Original subtitles

Nina, I'm collecting money for famine relief.

You're raising money for charity?

Yeah. Just because I make a few jokes,

have a little attitude,

doesn't mean I don't care for the underprivileged.

Oh, okay. How much do you want?

Well, for the price of a latté and a raisin cookie,

you could feed a family of five in Cambodia for a month.

Thanks.

Can you watch my phone? I'm going to Starbucks.

Hey, nice try. Give me that.

Hey, who's that guy over there with Maya?

That guy? Can't quite recall.

Perhaps a dead president could jog my memory.

Oh, fine. Here.

His name's Steve MacPherson.

He's a freelance writer.

Maya's editing his article.

Where did he come from?

Hmm. I'm blanking.

He's a playwright. Couldn't pay the bills,

so he made the move to journalism.

Oh. What else do you know about him?

Can't remember.

Still can't remember.

No, seriously, I honestly can't remember...

but nice doing business with you.

So, Maya, how is the new writer shaping up?

Fine.

Oh, I see that you two have a very nice rapport.

Nina, what are you getting at?

I saw the way you looked at him.

You could power Latin America with all that sexual energy.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Oh, come on. You know you want him.

I do not.

And he wants you.

Really?

Yes.

Then why hasn't he asked me out?

Because you're his editor. He's probably intimidated.

Now, you're gonna have to make the first move.

Oh, I can't do that. I can't ask a guy out.

It's not my style.

Oh, and what do you call that style,

nouveau spinster?

I'm not that bad.

Oh, really?

And how do you say "good night" to a guy on a first date?

Well, if we really hit it off,

a 3 to 5-second kiss, followed by a shoulder squeeze.

Oh, please. That's how I greet my clients.

Maya, look around you.

This place was created to empower women,

to give us the courage to say what we want,

work where we want,

and have anonymous sex with unlimited partners

without ever being called a whore.

Are you willing to just throw that all away?

I guess not.

Well, then get over there

and ask that thermos full of hot delicious out

before I do.

Oh, I don't know.

Come on. Nobody's stopping you.

Get out there and grab life.

Now, come on. Chin out, shoulders back,

chest out.

Good God, Maya.

Can you even see what color your shoes are?

Just go. Go, go, go, go, go.

Jack, are you going to be here a minute?

I want you to meet my new girlfriend.

What about me?

I told you, Finch,

you and I were just a summer thing.

Her name's Stacy.

She's beautiful, she's smart, she's funny.

In fact, I might ask her to move in with me.

Ah! Such an exciting stage.

The moving in, the getting married.

The arguments, the new girl in accounting,

the alimony...

Now I'm sad.

Hey. Stacy-she's the painter, right?

No. That was Rachel.

Oh, yeah. Stacy's the one that rolled her Rs

for no apparent reason.

No. That was Bonnie.

Yeah. She was r- r-r-really annoying.

Hi, Elliott.

Stacy. Hi.

Hi.

This is, uh, Dennis Finch... and Jack Gallo.

Hi.

It's so nice to meet you.

Guess what I just picked up.

My first TV commercial.

Do you hear that?

Her first TV commercial. You mind if I pop that in?

Please.

I'm so excited. It's my first speaking part.

Oh ho! Her first speaking part.

It started airing last night during ER.

ER!

All right, Elliott.

You're just dating her. You didn't build her.

You know what I love?

I love a cool breeze, a starry night,

and the gentle breaking waves of the ocean.

But do you know what I hate?

Hemorrhoid pain.

And that's why I use Icy Blast.

Icy Blast provides fast, temporary relief

for the swelling and itching of hemorrhoidal flare-ups,

so the next time Mother Nature turns up the heat,

use Icy Blast.

It's like an Arctic breeze where you need it most.

So? What did you think?

I'm speechless.

I'm not.

Yes, you are.

Well, I think it's all great.

Thanks. Ooh, I'm late.

It was great meeting you guys.

Hey.

I'll see you tonight?

Okay, tonight. Yeah. Can't wait.

Very proud! You're the best!

Oh, God! Why hemorrhoids?

Elliott, it's just a commercial.

You think it's okay?

You know what they say about show business.

You have to start at the bottom.

This is really good.

You think so?

Yeah!

Women don't realize how hard dating is for men too.

I mean, it must be really tough

to be expected to make the first move all the time.

Sorry to interrupt.

The Salvation Army called.

That chest you have?

Just put it out, and they'll be all over it.

Thank you, Nina.

You understand the message,

because if the chest isn't out, the man will go away.

Understood.

Um...so, where were we?

Oh, yeah. Um...

it must be really hard

to always be expected to make the first move.

It's the worst.

There's the nervousness, the fear of rejection,

the actual rejection...

Oh, I'm sure you don't get rejected.

Well, that's just because

I don't put myself out there anymore.

But...if you can tell that the woman's interested...

But that's just it. How can you really tell?

Oh...there must be little signs.

Me again. Bad news. Electrical problem.

We've been asked to conserve energy

and dim all the lights.

Just a safety measure. No one's in danger.

Thanks again.

Sorry about that.

It's okay.

So, we were talking about...

people asking each other out,

and how guys sometimes

miss the obvious signs.

You know, that would make a great article.

I mean, if you want me to write another article.

Well, that depends.

Maybe we could talk about it over dinner.

Are you saying...

I think you know what I'm saying.

Oh. Okay, then.

Really? Great! Um, how about tomorrow night?

Great.

So tomorrow night it is.

Good. Great.

Well?

There goes life. I grabbed it.

Ooh. How did it feel?

Metaphor, Nina.

Oh.

If anyone needs me,

I'm having lunch with Stacy at Bartini.

Oh yeah? Would that be buffet or sit-down?

Hey. I'm perfectly okay

with Stacy doing a hemorrhoid commercial.

Me too. I'm itching to see it again.

Have a swell time.

Swell? Like in swell...

I get it!

Okay.

Is he in?

Yeah. Did you hear that?

Elliott's going out with this girl,

and she's- Okay.

You wanted to see me?

Maya, what happened yesterday

between you and this guy Steve MacPherson?

Uh, what do you mean?

Well, this just came from his lawyer.

He's filed a sexual harassment complaint against you.

What?

He says you'd only give him more work

if he'd go out with you.

I didn't say that!

He says you kept steering the conversation

from work to dating.

I did no such thing!

He says you kept sticking your chest out at him.

Nina told me to.

He wanted to go out with me.

He was too shy to ask.

Maya, the man is engaged.

Engaged? He never said anything about being engaged!

Okay. I don't know what happened,

and I don't need to.

Oh, this is the most embarrassing thing

that has ever happened to me.

Oh, that's not true.

You split your pants at that bowling party.

Look, I didn't do anything wrong.

I'm going to go talk to him

and straighten this whole thing out.

No!

Our lawyers say you can't go within 30 feet of him.

This is insane!

Someone makes a completely unfounded accusation,

and I just have to sit back and take it?

Welcome to all three of my divorces.

Dad, what should I do?

Just keep a low profile, let our attorneys settle this,

and no one will have to know a thing about it.

Hey, Jack.

If I could get you to sign this thing.

Hey, missy, my eyes are up here.

Finch, you better drop it right now.

Okay.

I know the drill.

Well, I hope you're happy.

Getting there.

Steve is suing me for sexual harassment.

Oh! I heard. Congratulations.

Sorry?

Well, finally you're adding a little edge

to that squeaky clean image of yours.

Honey, that's how legends are made.

What are you talking about?

You remember that PR girl at Cosmo

who tried to run over her boss with the car?

She was transformed

into A-list party material overnight,

and why? Because she had a hook.

So my hook is I'm a sexual predator?

Hey, back off. That's my hook.

I'll have the Chinese chicken salad.

Okay. And for you, sir?

I'm pretty hungry, so, uh, I'm gonna-

Wait. I know you.

You're the hemorrhoid girl!

In the flesh.

You know, I couldn't sit down for a whole week,

and then the cooks

turned me on to Icy Blast,

and my inflammation, it was gone like that.

You know, that's what makes it all worthwhile.

So what can I get you?

I'm good.

You know what I think?

I think this is all because you're the boss' daughter.

He smells money.

You think so?

Believe me, I know a gold digger when I see one.

The man I'm dating-Mortimer-

he has a daughter who, well,

let's just say that you'd think a 61-year-old woman

would have a little more class.

You know, you may be onto something

with this gold-digger thing.

I don't have to just take this. I'm no harasser.

I mean, If anything,

I'm hypersensitive to people's feelings.

Hey.

The hemorrhoid girl.

Oh, thanks.

Okay, what's with the big meeting?

All right, we're here to discuss a topic

that's always been very important to me.

"Sexual Harassment in the Workplace."

Oh, you've gotta be kidding.

I have something to say.

You know, the fact that some gold digger

can slam Maya

with a sexual harassment complaint

is a total violation of her rights and privacy.

Wait a minute.

Someone filed a sexual harassment complaint

against you?

Thanks, Nina.

That's all for now.

Well, well, well.

Little Miss Women Aren't Objects, huh?

If this isn't the pot feeling up the kettle.

I did not feel up any kettle. This is all a scam.

Scam or not, we have to protect ourselves,

which is why, if anyone asks,

this meeting took place in March 1994.

Okay...

here we go.

"As a supervisor, it is your responsibility

to keep abreast of current guidelines-"

Oh, oh!

Yes, Dennis.

You said "breast".

Thank you.

"To keep abreast of current guidelines

regarding sexual harassment in all its forms."

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Yes, Dennis?

You said "ass".

"Harassment can technically occur in any setting,

"be it an office

or while meeting a colleague for cocktails-"

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Put the hand down or lose it.

Okay, okay, don't get testy.

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Let's watch the video.

Hit "play," Dennis.

Welcome to

the awareness training on sexual harassment.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

I brought you a peace offering.

Two airline tickets to San Francisco?

What is this, Alex?

It'll even be better than the last time.

I'm not going to San Francisco with you,

or anywhere else.

Honey, you know I always get what I want,

but I love when you play hard to get.

I like that guy Alex. He's a real go-getter.

We could use someone like him in sales.

I don't need to watch this tape.

Asking someone out on a date

may seem innocent enough,

but if that someone

feels his or her job is at stake,

that is sexual harassment.

Oh, my God!

He thought I wasn't gonna hire him.

That means I'm guilty.

Is Alex in violation of the law?

You bet he is.

If this behavior persists,

he could face immediate discharge.

Oh. Oh, oh, oh.

Jack.

Allie, honey, it's not the repairman's fault.

The reason the dishes come out broken

is because that's the trash compactor.

Okay. Kiss Hannah for me. Bye-bye.

Jack, can I talk to you a minute?

What do you need, buddy?

It's about Stacy.

Oh, the hemorrhoid girl. What's the problem?

That's the problem.

Everywhere we go,

it's, "Hey, there goes the hemorrhoid girl!"

Elliott, I'm touched you came to me,

and I know what this is about.

You're jealous because she's in the spotlight.

No, I'm not.

You're angry because she's in the spotlight.

No.

You're afraid because she's in the spotlight.

Why would I be afraid?

Ah-ha.

Answer that, my friend, and the world is yours.

Jack, you don't get it. You don't get it.

I used to look at her and think, wow,

here's this beautiful, intelligent woman.

Now all I see is that cartoon diagram of her

with the flames shooting out.

Elliott, how do you feel about this girl?

I like her, a lot.

I might even love her, a little.

Well, that's all that should matter.

She's obviously excited about this.

You should be proud of her.

You know what?

You're right.

It's just a commercial.

It changes nothing.

Right.

You know, I used to date a model

who posed for lingerie ads.

Yeah?

That's it. No point. Just boasting.

Thanks, Jack.

You're always there for me.

Bras, panties, the whole shebang.

Maya.

Steve. Oh, thanks for coming by.

Uh, Maya, dear, may I speak with you a moment?

Sure. I'll meet you in my office.

Okay.

Have you lost your mind?

You agreed to stay away from him.

I know, but I need to apologize.

He thought I was threatening his job.

Maya, an apology is an admission of guilt.

If this guy's got it in for you,

that's all he needs.

Dad, I appreciate what you're trying to do,

but if I just explain to him what happened,

everything is going to turn out okay.

Maya, wake up.

This is real life, not a movie.

I'm going to do it.

Then you're wearing a wire.

A wire?

Are you crazy?

Where did you get that thing?

I know this guy in the CIA.

He turned me on

to a place called Radio Shack.

Elliott.

Hey.

Hey! Guess what.

What?

I thought a lot about what you said,

about not getting tied to just one product...

Uh-huh?

I got another commercial.

For Kippies.

Kippies!

That's fantastic!

What's Kippies for?

Urinary tract infections.

Ohh.

Ooh...

Well...I'm good with that.

That's-yeah...

I...I...

That's great!

I'm very, very happy for you.

And we're gonna shoot it at the beach.

Oh, that's...gross.

What?

You use a handkerchief?

Yeah. So?

Handkerchiefs are disgusting.

You put it in your pocket?

What are you saving it for?

I wash it.

With your clothes? Oh...

This disgusts you?

No!

I have to go.

I thought we were having dinner.

Mmm...I can't.

I have to get some air.

I know that look.

You're breaking up with me.

You're breaking up with me over a stupid handkerchief.

You've got a lot of nerve.

You're the hemorrhoid girl, for God sakes.

I know it looks bad,

me dumping you just when my career's taking off.

But it's over, Elliott. Goodbye.

I can't believe this happened.

That's rough, man.

Come here.

I mean, she dumped me,

eh...for nothing.

You know what?

You showed a lot of class.

Yeah?

A lesser man would've wrecked 'em.

That's the last one.

So you see,

I never meant to imply that your job in any way

was dependent on you going out with me.

I...just thought you liked me,

and I'd never asked a guy out before,

and it was just a big misunderstanding.

Oh, wow. Uh...

I'm just really sorry.

I just feel so stupid.

Don't, really. It's all my fault.

No. I can't believe I filed that complaint.

I'm the one who should be apologizing.

Hey. Voltage insulator.

Oops. I wonder if she's supposed to take this.

"To prevent accidental shock.

Do not remove."

I just got carried away

thinking you felt the same way I did, and I...

so I'm really just glad we sorted this out.

Me too.

Yowee yow!

Excuse me?

Sorry. I'm just getting a little warm.

Anyway, you really are a talented writer,

and I just can't stop thinking about your piece!

Maya, abort, abort.

She can't hear you.

Oh, boy!

I've got to get these pants off!

What are you doing?

I...can't... stand it anymore!

Don't just stand there!

I'm on fire!

But I have a fiancée.

Dennis, call the lawyer.

♪ Life keeps bringing me Back to you ♪

♪ Keeps bringing me home ♪

♪ It don't matter What I want to do ♪

♪ 'Cause it's got A mind of its own ♪

♪ Life keeps bringing me Back to you ♪

♪ Yeah ♪♪

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