Original subtitles

Ah, I see Carmen Electra made the cover.

Yeah. Great shot, isn't it?

Notice how I made her sexuality

leap off the page.

Oh, yeah. You're a genius.

You took a picture

of one of the hottest women in the world

and somehow made her look beautiful.

What's your secret? Are you using some kind of film?

I can't wait to show it to her.

She's just gonna turn you down again, pal.

Nobody says no to Elliott DiMauro...

53 times.

Yeah. There's a fine line between courting and stalking.

A Connecticut judge once spelled it out for me.

Yeah, well, deep down, Carmen loves me.

She... just can't find a way to express it.

Oh, yeah. That's probably it.

She just can't express it.

Hmm, maybe this is what she's thinking.

Oh, Elliott.

I'm Carmen Electra from TV's Baywatch.

Back off, you pasty freak.

I wouldn't even let my stunt double

give you mouth-to-mouth.

Yeah, that's cute,

but it's going to be more like this.

Oh, Elliott,

not only are you a genius,

but you're the sexiest guy on the beach.

I want to run slow-motion toward you

and climb your lifeguard tower.

Oh, Elliott, save me! The riptide!

It's got me!

I'm going down! I'm going down!

Are you just about through, Elliott?

Carmen.

Care to make it 54?

The article's about relationships.

This shot's perfect.

Let's see.

Uh-oh, nipple.

Give it.

Oh, yeah, there's Waldo.

Good eye, chief.

Wait, wait, wait. Let me see.

Let me see.

Oh, yeah, turkey's done.

And hopefully, that concludes

Mutual of Omaha's "Nipple Safari."

Sorry, Maya.

We forgot you were here.

Well, it's my own fault for wearing a shirt.

Anyway, I'll need your notes back on that copy

by the end of the day.

No can do, pumpkin.

I gotta leave here early.

Allie and I are taking in a show.

What time do I need to be out of here?

6:00.

I'm sorry, Alex. What is 6:00?

Oh, here's my remote. I was sitting on it.

Another gadget?

This is not a gadget!

This is gonna revolutionize the way I do business forever.

Ooh.

He's a witch, I say. Burn him!

You laugh, but this thing

can open and close doors from five miles away.

I find that hard to believe.

I can prove it.

Dennis, don't make any lunch plans.

You're taking this baby to the South Bronx.

Oh, terrific.

And could you pencil me in

for an autopsy around 2?

Why would you possibly need something like that?

Wait until you hear

about my excruciating morning.

Imagine waking up-

I want one of those.

So after putting me on hold for five minutes,

I find out

that those withered old snobs from the co-op board

are trying to keep me out of their precious building.

Well, they should kiss my fat-free bottom.

I mean, I'm an attractive, single,

attractive woman with no pets.

Uh-oh, nipple.

I mean, who do I have to sleep with

to get this apartment?

No, seriously, I want to know.

Could we talk about work?

Good idea, peanut.

Yeah, peanut.

Um, could you not call me peanut?

What? Speak up, pickle.

Um, the pet names, you know, at the office.

Oh, don't be ridiculous! What-?

Do you guys mind if I call her peanut?

No.

You should hear what we call her.

See? You worried for nothing.

Okay, next piece of business?

Uh, we have to solve

that perfume insert card crisis today.

What crisis?

The, um, Liz Taylor perfume card

is clashing with the Estée Lauder card,

creating the scent of a western omelet.

Dennis?

You already had breakfast.

Yeah, but I'm still hungry-

Now... shh!

I think I got a fix.

Let's bump the Estée Lauder ad

in exchange for a reduced rate on our double issue.

That's my princess.

There, that's what I'm talking about,

calling me names like "princess."

I call everyone princess.

You never call me princess.

I did the last time I saw you play softball.

I stand corrected.

I'm serious.

No special treatment, no nicknames, okay?

Fine, but I think you're making a big deal

out of nothing.

You guys, back me up.

Don't you resent me a little

every time you're reminded

I'm Jack Gallo's daughter?

Maya, I don't resent you

because you're the boss' daughter.

I resent you because if you weren't here,

we'd still be talking about nipples.

Funny. Very funny.

What?

Oh, this letter of recommendation

from Jack to my co-op board.

You wrote it, didn't you?

Hmm. What gave it away?

When I referred you as America's premier clog dancer?

Okay, is everyone all right?

Jack, I think

you're overloading the circuits with your new toy.

Don't blame me. It's all these damn computers.

While you were on the phone, Allie called.

Something about King Lear. Oh, King Lear?

You know, to snore or not to snore.

Is that the show you're going to see?

I bid on a bunch of things at a charity auction.

Next week, I'm a corpse on E.R.

Ew.

I hated Shakespeare in high school.

Why, did he write something mean in your yearbook?

How could you not love Shakespeare?

With one simple couplet,

he's able to capture the entire human experience-

joy, laughter, love, pain...

And boredom.

You too?

Oh, look, I appreciate Shakespeare,

but let's be honest here.

Nobody really loves it.

They just pretend to, you know, like cuddling.

If that were true,

people wouldn't have performed his work

for 400 years.

Yeah? I saw Shakespeare in the Park.

It seemed like 400 years.

The man wrote 37 plays,

each more brilliant than the last...

except for Pericles.

I always felt he phoned that in.

Well, looks like no King Lear for me.

Why, what happened?

Hannah's got the sniffles,

and Allie doesn't want to leave her.

It's just a couple of hours. I'd love to watch her.

Oh, didn't I tell you?

It's playing in London at the National Theater.

The National Theater!

Yeah, if you're interested,

you'd have to go straight from work

to catch the private jet.

Private jet? Private jet?

Hey, Dad... I would love those tickets.

Oh, well, you're not the only one.

You know, I loved all 37

of Shakespeare's plays.

Hey, nobody loves Shakespeare

more than me.

The way he captures laughter and love,

and joy, pain...

Boredom.

I forgot to say

Shakespeare was a genius.

People have loved his plays

for over 400 years.

Yeah, even if he did phone in Hercules.

Well, I didn't realize

that everyone liked Shakespeare so much.

Oh! Oh, yeah.

Neither did they.

It's quite a dilemma we have here.

I've only got two tickets.

How shall I choose?

Oh, Jack, you didn't rise to the top

without knowing how to make wise decisions.

Oh, so true.

Jack, I have learned a lot from you-

everything, really.

So don't worry.

I, for one, will not second-guess

your thoughtful consideration.

Well, I- I want to be fair about this.

Let's see.

Nina.

Oh.

Elliott. Have a great time.

We're going to London!

What about me?

Oh, yeah. The printer called.

They want you to come down and sniff the new issue.

Apparently, now it smells like waffles.

Dad, I can't believe you just did that.

Well, you just gotta have a little more faith

in your old man.

What are you talking about?

Hey, I know when I'm being tested.

No special treatment.

Just want to make you proud of me, snookie bear.

Dennis!

Yeah.

I can't get the door to stop doing that thing!

Is someone using the microwave?

Yeah. Baxter's making a baked potato.

Get in here and help me!

What, are you wasted? I'm not going near that thing.

It's like a John Carpenter movie.

Thank you.

Ah, methinks the lady doth pack too much.

A skycap, a skycap. My kingdom for a skycap.

My kingdom for a muzzle.

Oh, Maya, now I would've been happy for you

if you'd gotten the tickets.

Do you have any idea how unconvincing that was?

Hey, if I were an actor, I'd be in the stupid play.

There's no reason for you to be mad at us.

It was your father's decision.

Yeah, but you took my words and you manipulated him.

You two couldn't care less about Shakespeare.

I can quote King Lear by heart.

Look, don't tell me the ending.

I hear there's a twist, like The Crying Game.

Seriously...

I know, I know, it doesn't seem fair,

but this is a chance for me to experience

something that I've never experienced before.

And it was your words

that excited me about Shakespeare.

There's no higher compliment I can pay you.

Well, when you put it like that...

You see? That's acting.

Hey, Nina, that snooty guy from the co-op board

is returning your call.

What did you tell him?

I told him I'd see him at your housewarming party

with my band, Kill the Rich.

Oh, dear God!

Ah, ha, ha- Carmen!

Hey, Finch.

No hug?

I just talked to you 10 minutes ago in the lobby.

That's right. I'm sorry.

Forgive me?

Mr. Finch, please don't squeeze the Carmen.

I'm sorry about Finch.

That behavior is inexcusable.

Forgive him?

I'm back for the proofs.

Well, they're still in the darkroom,

if you'd like to join me.

Elliott, I wouldn't trust you in a well-lit room.

I'll just come back tomorrow.

Well, actually, I won't be here tomorrow.

I'm jetting off to London to see King Lear.

Oh, that's so weird.

I've been working on a scene from Hamlet in my acting class.

We're going to do it at SeaWorld.

That is weird.

I'm getting goose bumps.

Feel.

Would you like to go with me?

Are you kidding? I'd kill to go.

Oh, let's hope it doesn't come to that.

Yes, Mr. Rosencrantz,

I know the building is exclusive.

That's what I love about it.

Uh, but before you make your decision,

isn't there some way I could tip the scales,

as it were?

Oh, what I mean is, uh,

do you enjoy long, romantic walks in the park

with a beautiful woman?

You don't.

Well, then, you must love the theater.

Oh, you hate to see this.

What?

You're the only woman in here.

That kind of boy-girl ratio does not favor the Finch.

Why is "the Finch" here?

I'm not. I'm out running safety checks

on the fire extinguishers.

Seabreeze.

I can't believe he gave Elliott and Nina those tickets.

All right, I'll bite.

What's so great about King Lear?

Oh, it's just a brilliant play.

It's got everything- revenge, jealousy, betrayal...

Oh, I think I saw that movie at a bachelor party once,

but they spelled "Lear" with two E's.

It was on a double-bill with The Keister Bunny.

Well, in the version with clothes,

King Lear decides

to divide his kingdom among his three daughters.

His two evil daughters, Regan and Goneril,

suck up to him big-time,

even though they don't really love him,

but Cordelia, who does love him,

refuses to join in the false flattery

and gets zip.

So, what's the king's problem?

Blinded by his own vanity.

Hey! Middle management, zip it.

So, what are you saying,

that the two suck-ups get everything?

Well, at first they do, but then they get real greedy

and start scheming against each other...

Hello there, Elliott.

Nice to see you again, Nina.

Yes, nice.

You know, I probably don't say this as often as I should,

but you really...

own a lot of... very nice shirts.

Thank you.

Uh... you're pretty.

So... should be quite the flight later.

Oh, what do you mean?

Oh, I don't want to alarm anyone,

but my friend Vinnie used to date our pilot,

and, well, it's not just the plane

that gets fueled up before the flight.

Ah, planes these days practically fly themselves.

I just feel bad that you're going to miss

the elderly millionaire bachelor's convention.

You're bluffing. Am I, Nina?

You're not getting my ticket.

Well, you're not getting mine!

Do you have any idea what we're talking about here?

We are talking about putting a roof over my head.

Yeah, well, we're talking about

putting a beautiful woman over mine.

So the fighting between Regan and Goneril

gets worse and worse.

The only thing they agree on

is that their sister Cordelia must die.

Those little sluts.

Don't worry. They get theirs...

because they're secretly plotting

to kill each other.

Elliott, I'm really sorry about the way I acted earlier,

and so I went out and got you your favorite,

sushi.

Wait, is this that sushi someone left

on the coffee machine last week?

Just eat it!

Shame on you.

Is a ticket to a show so important

that you would actually compromise my health?

I'm sorry.

Here, drink this.

With Lear's two scheming daughters

at each other's throats,

the kingdom is falling into ruin.

Well, why doesn't Lear just step in

and take back the throne?

Ah, because Goneril and Regan have had him exiled,

and to make matters worse, he's starting to lose his mind.

Dennis, for the love of God, stop the baked potatoes!

And with the empire in ruins,

guess who's the only one who stands by King Lear.

Cordelia.

Yes, Princess Cordelia.

And as she takes her final breath,

Lear realizes

that she's the only one who truly loved him,

and in his pain, he cries out to the heavens,

"Howl, howl, howl!"

But of course by then, it's much too late.

Cordelia's dead.

Finch.

Dennis.

Don't look at me.

Give me those tickets.

Never. They're mine!

Maya.

Maya.

Guys.

Be careful. You're gonna rip 'em.

You be careful. All right.

All right. Uh!

Let's just get ahold of ourselves, all right?

Okay.

On the count of three,

we'll let go of them at the same time.

No tricks. No tricks. Ready?

One, two, three.

Aw, look what you've done!

Who, me? It was your idea!

Aw, yeah. You- Get in!

"We'll let go of the tickets."

Dad, can I speak with you?

Oh! Ow!

Sorry.

Tomorrow, I'm throwing that door into the East River.

You hear me?

Maya, whatever you need, keep it short.

If that thing opens again, I'm making a run for it.

You're absolutely incredible.

Ah, too late for flattery. I'm all out of tickets.

Why did you give them to Elliott and Nina?

Because they said they wanted to go.

But I'm the one who loves Shakespeare.

Well, how was I supposed to know that?

It was my major in college. I was in, like, 10 productions.

I named the family cat "Othello."

You named your turtle Amelia Earhart.

That doesn't mean you wanted to be a pilot.

Actually, I did. I logged over 400 hours.

Well, you get my point.

Oh, forget it.

Oh, wait.

Between you and the door, I'm going crazy.

You said you didn't want any special treatment.

Well, that's because daughters are supposed to say that.

And I'm supposed to ignore you?

Yes!

So you do want me to call you pet names.

No.

Do me a favor. Tell all this to Dennis

so he can make me a little wallet card.

Okay, fine.

If you're gonna make fun of me, I'll just go home.

But before I do,

I'd like to leave you with a little free advice

from Shakespeare himself.

You attended to their sugared words,

but looked not on the poison of their hearts.

God keep you from them, and from such false friends.

Oh, God, will you open this stupid thing?

You're killing my exit.

Look, we'll be out of here

as soon as I get this thing fixed.

Knock wood.

Maya, are you all right?

Oh, yeah. I'm fine.

What the hell was that?

You broke the elevator.

I didn't break it. You did.

Aw, this is just great.

I can't believe that

instead of going to London with Carmen Electra,

I'm stuck in an elevator with you.

Red lights, no cigarettes, you...

This is my vision of hell.

Yeah, well, I'm getting out of here.

Ah, this is just perfect.

Some idiot ripped out the emergency phone

and replaced it with a bottle of gin.

Ah, it seemed like a good idea last week.

Maya, say something. Are you okay?

I'll be fine once I'm off my feet.

Princess, what have I done?

How did I let that cursed salesman

sell me this demonic door?

How? How?

Howl!

Howl!

Howl!

O, you are men of stones!

Had I your tongues and eyes,

I'd use them so that heaven's vault should crack.

She's gone...

forever.

I know when one is dead and when one lives.

She's dead...

as earth.

Lend me a looking glass.

Are you okay?

Don't look at me.

♪ Life keeps bringing me Back to you ♪

♪ Keeps bringing me home ♪

♪ It don't matter what I want To do 'cause ♪

♪ It's got a mind of its own ♪

♪ Life keeps bringing me Back to you ♪♪

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0