Original subtitles

Licking stamps?

Yeah, I was.

Now I'm just answering obvious questions.

Hi.

Licking stamps?

Good question. Yes, I am.

Lucky stamp.

Nikki.

Elliott DiMauro.

It's great to see you.

Really?

Because when we broke up,

you said you never wanted to see me again.

Come on!

I'm bigger than that.

In fact, I'm the one who insisted on you

for this shoot.

So, uh, give me a sec?

Nina, I told you

I'd never work with Nikki Ellston.

I thought you said Mickey Rooney.

Why would I say Mickey Rooney?

Oh, that's right.

I won't work with Mickey Rooney.

Don't ask.

You know, a sponge works much better.

Really? Tell me more.

What's even better

is they make stamps you don't have to lick.

Fascinating. You've done this before?

I've done a lot of things.

Ooh, I'm guessing you do them very well.

Had no complaints.

I hear that.

Are we still talking about stamps?

Yes.

I'm hip to your groove.

So you and Elliott were, uh-

A long time ago.

I guess I just expected too much,

and he never wanted to do what I wanted.

He could be such a crybaby.

Oh.

Before you say anything too embarrassing,

let me conference in the guys from shipping.

Whoa. I shouldn't be telling you this.

I don't even know you.

Dennis Finch.

Nikki Ellston.

Mm.

So tell me, Dennis Finch,

why is it so hard to meet a nice guy?

Well, maybe you're not looking in the right place.

Mm, maybe I'm not.

Maybe you should look right in front of you.

Maybe I should.

Maybe-

Are we still talking about stamps?

That depends.

What are you doing later?

Are you asking me out?

I think it'd be fun.

Maybe we're not on the same page here.

Um, you mean going out, like in dinner, a movie...

naughty time?

Mm, I don't eat dinner, and I hate movies,

so... when do you think you'll be able to get out

from behind that desk?

It's gonna be a couple minutes...

Is your father in?

Something wrong?

You're damn right something's wrong.

I just found out Margo Langhorn at Vogue

make substantially more money than I do.

Oh.

Yeah! It's pretty shocking, isn't it?

I mean, I'm more creative, I'm more experienced,

and, damn it, I'm thinner.

Okay.

Dennis!

Where the hell is he?

Oh, hey, Nina.

Jack, I want a raise... zin.

A raisin.

They're in the kitchen.

Oh.

Well, that's why you're the boss.

That went well.

Is it cool in here, or is it just me?

Check it out, losers.

A breadcrumb trail

of the hottest and hippest dance clubs

Gotham has to offer.

This is the dawning of the Age of Finch.

I didn't knowGapfor Kids had a pimp department.

Sorry.

Can't hear you way up here

on cloud nine.

Anyhoo, Nikki took me to a rave in an old blimp hangar.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Nikki Ellston?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, man.

This is the beginning of your worst nightmare.

Uh, no.

My worst nightmare involves being covered with frogs.

Finch, I know she's irresistible,

but trust me, run for your life.

What are you talking about?

Oh, he's just jealous because Nikki traded him in

for a souped-up, fuel-injected me.

Oh, she broke up with you.

She did not break up with me.

I broke up with her. Well, I was going to-

Oh, yeah, sure! Oh, stop it!

All right, I was, and then...

You guys just don't get it.

Nikki's- Nikki's- Well...

She's got a wild side.

Oh, poor puritanical,

horse-and-buggy-driving Jedediah.

You are gonna regret it.

The only thing I regret is not putting talcum on

under these pants.

Jack,

Margo Langhorn makes a lot more money than me.

I know. I tried to hire her.

Oh.

Well, well, well.

Since you couldn't get Margo,

I suppose that puts me in the driver's seat.

You would think so, but no.

Jack!

Nina, salary isn't everything.

This job comes with a lot of perks.

Like what?

Your free lunches, for example?

Hey, those are working lunches.

I'm out in the salt mines every day

from 11:30 to 3.

The budget is extremely tight right now.

Really? Yes.

We all have to make sacrifices.

Hey, Jack,

your solid-gold spy pen has arrived.

Oh, boy!

Is this your idea of sacrifice?

This is not some frivolous toy.

It's a crucial tool of industry.

Hi, Jack. I'm your pen.

Hi, Jack. I'm your pen.

Wow. It's a tape recorder.

Do you want to play with it for five minutes,

or should I put it directly

into the "I'm bored with it already" closet?

I'm gonna use this forever.

Yeah. That's what you said about your stilts.

Hello.

Yeah. Send her up.

Where's Finch?

Haven't seen him.

Well, if you do,

will you tell him Nikki's on her way up?

Nikki? Again?

This has got to stop.

What is it with you?

Why don't you let him enjoy this?

You go out with a million models.

He goes out with one, and you're jealous?

I'm not jealous.

Nikki is crazy.

Why? Because she dumped you?

You are such a guy.

I'm not saying she's crazy because she dumped me.

I'm saying she's crazy because she's crazy!

Elliott.

Hey, Nikki!

You met Maya Gallo.

Maya Gallo.

You wrote that article on teen heroin addicts

for the Village Voice last year.

Yeah, I did.

It was incredible. I was so moved.

Oh, wow. Thank you.

Nikki? Oh, excuse me.

Boy, you weren't kidding. What a loon.

She makes a good first impression.

No, really. When I was little,

I was petrified

that there was a monster under my bed

who would jump out and compliment my work.

So you don't want to go to lunch.

Of course I do, but I just got here,

and Jack's got all this work piled up for me,

and I haven't slept in, like, 30 hours.

Please don't hate me.

Okay.

But before I go, I want to show you my new blouse.

Oops.

I'm not wearing a blouse.

Let's eat.

Where are you going?

Home.

We have a meeting.

What meeting?

Dennis didn't tell you?

He isn't here.

6:00, and he's not back from lunch?

Even in the '70s, that wouldn't fly.

Oh, there you are.

At least one person remembered the meeting.

What meeting?

Dennis didn't tell you either?

Oh, it saddens me to think

that some people aren't pulling their weight around here

while others go horribly unnoticed,

underpaid.

Are you through?

Just saddens me, that's all.

Well, uh, speaking of money,

I was looking over your expense reports,

and something struck me as a little odd.

The name "Salvador's" kept popping up.

Oh, that's where I do my business lunches.

Uh-huh. I never heard of it.

It's lovely. I'll have to try it.

Oh, you'd hate it.

You just said it was lovely.

No, they cram you in, family-style.

Sounds festive.

Well, it's not!

All right, we're here.

Good.

Let's get started.

So, what's this meeting for?

Note to self.

Ask Finch what meeting was for.

Hello?

Well, speak of the devil.

Were you planning on coming back today?

What's wrong?

Yeah, he's here.

Hey.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

You're calling from the cage, aren't you?

Yes.

Tea? Yeah.

Earl Grey?

Chamomile.

Milk?

Thank you.

Couldn't warn me about the cage.

Yeah, I'm gonna go around

telling everyone I was locked in a cage.

I told you to stay away from her.

You are gonna stay away from her, right?

Yes, definitely.

Probably not.

She put you in a cage.

Well, when you really think about it,

I mean, we all live in a cage.

Isn't society, by nature,

the biggest cage of all?

Society doesn't take the key with it

while it goes to Starbucks.

So I suppose the cage was the last straw for you?

Absolutely. Right after the cage.

And then a little bit after that, boom!

I knew it was over.

I guess you're right.

I know I am.

So just forget about her,

stop all contact,

and get her out of your life.

Yeah, thanks. Mm.

If you're waiting for a hug, you might want to pack a lunch.

That's the Finch I know!

Yeah, he's back. Whoo!

Hey, Nikki, I'm calling at noon like you ordered.

Jack, this is ridiculous.

I want a raise,

I deserve a raise, I demand a raise.

And I'm not budging from this spot until I get it.

You know, I had the strangest lunch today

at that Salvador's

that keeps popping up on your expense report.

Hi. I'd like to order a steak.

We don't serve food here.

No kidding. Why is that?

Because it's a shoe store.

Now, call me crazy,

but I'd never take a client to have lunch at Salvador's.

You know why?

Because it's a shoe store.

If you're implying that I'm using company funds

to buy myself shoes,

well, then I am deeply, deeply offended.

Let me ask you something, Jackson H. Gallo.

On your way to condemning me,

did you even bother to go up to the second floor?

Because if you had,

you would've enjoyed what TheNew York Times calls

"The most delicate white truffle pasta

this city has to offer."

So, what does your little pen have to say about that?

Is there a restaurant upstairs?

No. Just the boots.

They have boots on the second floor?

I'm just gonna... just go to lunch.

Have you seen Finch?

Um, he said he was going downstairs for a cookie.

When?

Three hours ago.

Aw, hell.

He's back with Nikki.

How did this woman get you into a cage?

I can't even get a guy to drive me to the airport.

The whole situation was complicated.

A myriad of complex emotions

you couldn't begin to understand.

Was it the sex?

Yes.

That was just a phase in my life.

Since then,

I've always maintained total control.

Let's face it, nobody's ever in total control.

Speak for yourself.

Personally, I like to lose control.

In fact, I have this fantasy...

No. Forget it.

No. Go on.

Okay...

It's a hot summer night,

and I step out of the shower

and slip into a silky, soft robe,

and cross to the bedroom where he's waiting for me.

He? Who he?

Candlelight dances across my skin.

He moves closer,

barely brushing against me.

He slips the robe off my shoulders

and lowers me onto the bed.

He takes the candle

and slowly, seductively, achingly...

drips hot wax all over my naked body.

I gasp...

and then whisper in his ear,

"Elliott..."

"Drop the cup."

Oh, yeah.

You're in control.

Oh, my God! Finch!

Where have you been?

With Nikki.

We went for a drive in the woods.

What happened?

She wanted me to chase her.

I got all turned around,

and then when I got back, the car was gone.

There were bees.

Where did you get those clothes?

Off the wash line at a Boy Scout jamboree.

Those little runts tracked me, but I lost 'em in the river.

Are you okay?

I will be,

as soon as Baxter in Accounting checks me for ticks.

All right, you win.

She really is nuts.

Come on.

We gotta do something before she makes him

go to a biker bar in a sun dress.

How would you know that?

I just know, okay?

Jack, we have a problem here.

Finch's romance is getting way out of control.

We have to intervene

before it turns into Fatal Attraction.

I love that movie.

He sleeps with her once,

and she becomes totally obsessed.

That's got to boost a guy's ego.

Maybe I should do the talking.

What's going on?

Oh, good. You're here.

We're having an intervention.

Hey, those were vitamins.

No. It's not for you. It's for Finch.

Oh, goody. I've never been in on this end of one.

Who wants a drink?

Hey, Finch, Jack needs you.

All right, just follow my lead.

Yes?

Finch, this is an intervention.

Ha, ha, ha! I knew those weren't vitamins!

No. It's for you.

Huh?

Oh, wow.

I'm touched.

I didn't think you guys cared.

Come on!

You're not going anywhere!

Dennis, listen.

I've known women like her.

You can't let this Vicky run your life.

Nikki. Who?

Hey, Dennis.

Way to go.

Once again, perhaps I should do the talking.

I remember one woman.

A real nutball.

Always trying to get me to settle down.

Ooh. She was diabolical.

She wore these big hats.

Are you talking about Mom?

Okay. I'm done talking now.

Listen, I was in this relationship once

where I started to lose myself.

But at first, I didn't care

because of all the fantastic sex.

Okay. You're done now too.

I think it's time for an Indian chant.

Nina, no.

This intervention sucks.

Listen, we're your friends,

and we're gonna make you see

that you're in a destructive relationship,

and if we have to, we'll stay here all night.

But I have tickets for a magic show.

You deserve better than Nikki,

someone who'll respect you, not break you down like this.

All right, all right. I get it.

I knew it before I came in here.

A man doesn't go sprinting through the sticker bushes

in his underpants

and not come out a little wiser.

So if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna go home, take a shower

and finally get this crazy woman

out of my head.

Dennis.

Oh, my God. She's so pretty.

Just tell her it's over, Finch. I'm behind you.

Me too.

Me too.

Who wants margaritas?

There you are.

There I am. That's it?

You left me in the woods.

You left me.

I should be really mad at you.

I'm sorry, baby.

Hey, guess what?

We're going to a party in the Village.

Hey, Jack, I'm going out.

Remember, stay away from that Nikki.

I'm going to a party with her.

Have fun.

Finch, don't do it.

Stay out of this, Elliott.

He's a big boy.

Come on, Dennis, let's go.

He's just jealous.

You don't get it.

No, you don't get it anymore.

And Dennis knows that if he doesn't come now,

he won't get it, either.

So let's go.

She left you in the woods, buddy.

Nice girls don't do that.

Yeah, there were bees and other loud things.

Those were just tree frogs.

Tree frogs?

Good God!

If I had known that, I would've run into a big rock

and killed myself!

So do you want to come with me... or not?

Hell, no. I'm staying right here.

I'm tired of your mind games,

and I'm tired of you treating me like I'm some sort of pet.

You may be hot, but I deserve better.

So farewell, my psychotic temptress.

Go boil your rabbit in somebody else's pot.

Where did that come from?

I don't know,

but it kept him from making Eagle Scout.

What is it with me?

Why do I keep scaring off guys?

Well, it's just a theory,

but it might have something to do with the fact

that you're a total whack job.

I don't know why I keep doing this.

I just...

Oh, God, Elliott,

I don't know what's happening anymore.

Maybe I'm afraid...

no one will want me if I don't make it wild.

And it's sick, I know.

I need to get help.

But I just want it to stop.

Aw, jeez. Aw, jeez.

Oh, Nikki.

Nikki...

Come here, come here.

Good morning.

Elliott?

You're calling from the cage, aren't you?

Yes.

♪ Life keeps bringing me Back to you ♪

♪ Keeps bringing me home ♪

♪ It don't matter what I want To do 'cause ♪

♪ It's got a mind of its own ♪

♪ Life keeps bringing me Back to you ♪♪

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