Original subtitles

Oh, no. This isn't happening.

What isn't happening?

We're out of coffee.

Morning, all.

Care to guess why I'm so happy?

Uh, by the Aztec calendar,

you're still 16?

I'm sorry. I haven't had my coffee.

Oh, you poor dear.

Anyway, I've been asked to be a guest

on Emerson Gray's show on NPR.

Hey!

Hey, what's the topic?

Semi-famous models

you could have sworn were dead?

I'm having caffeine withdrawal.

All right. Take a deep breath.

Your name is Dennis Finch, you're in Manhattan,

and you're going to be fine.

Thanks.

What's the topic?

Uh, whether the fashion industry

creates false and harmful images for women.

My position will be a firm "no."

For the first time in your life.

Finch didn't have any caffeine.

So who else is on the show?

Oh, I don't know. I think some gal

from the National Organization for Women.

It's like a big club.

Yeah, I've heard of it.

So you're going to match wits

with an angry feminist and an intellectual?

Nina, didn't you learn anything

from that massacre at Celebrity Jeopardy?

Only that the Daily Double isn't two shots of vodka.

Good morning.

Hardly. 40 minutes on the Stairmaster,

and then I find out my gym is out of hot water.

Oh, well, you look as pretty as a sunbeam! Ha-ha!

Thank you, Cindy. Any messages?

No. Oh! But here's your itinerary.

Ah.

And here's a muffin. Oh!

I made it myself.

Oh, thank you.

Mmm! It's good.

It says here I have an 8 a.m. meeting

with the Calvin Klein people.

Uh-huh. There's no sugar in that.

Cindy...

it's 8:45!

Uh-huh. Oh, my God!

At Blush, we like to think of problems

as opportunities turned upside-down.

Hi, I'm sorry I'm late.

I know this is a really important meeting,

and, um, I'm sure I can get right up to speed.

Okay, where are we?

And that wraps it up.

Uh, Cindy- Oh, God!

Oh! Oh!

Oh, whoa, I'm sorry.

Whoo!

Um, Cindy,

that was a really important meeting I missed back there.

I am so sorry.

My boyfriend, David, sells pants part-time,

so, of course, I'm the one stuck entertaining

his friends in from China.

Cindy, we just need to get a system down

where- Is that my pen?

Where?

In your tea.

That was a gift from my journalism professor.

Oh, I'm sorry. Here.

Oh...

No, that's okay. Just give it to me.

Give it.

Do I have time for a shower?

Absolutely.

All right, time for the staff meeting.

Right after your staff meeting.

Uh, quick, where's my proposal?

Oh, okay, um...

Here it is! Here it is!

Now, remember,

you can't spell "success"

without... U.

Okay, let's go, everybody.

We've got a lot to cover this morning.

Maya, good to see you could make it.

Salutations, confreres.

You're all looking resplendent.

Did a flower pot fall on your head?

No, someone gave me

one of those crappy "word of the day" calendars

for last year's Secret Santa.

You're welcome.

My point is, it turned out to be so useful.

Can we just get on with it?!

I might have something for a headache.

Yeah, that's what you said to Elvis.

Okay, I've asked Maya

to come up with a fresh approach

for this year's tribute to the West Coast designers.

Maya?

Okay, uh, this might be a little rough,

but I'm sure it'll give us some jumping-off points.

"Dear David, I think it's unfair of you

to use my closet as a place to grow pot."

Uh, okay, wait, give those back.

"For God's sakes, David,

I don't put my shoes in your bong."

Little mix-up.

These must be Cindy's. Grabbed them by mistake.

Well, why don't we reconvene in an hour?

That should give Maya enough time

to get herself together.

Ooooh.

That was quite the maelstrom.

Looks like Nina's using her "word a day" calendar

to bone up for the radio.

Do we have time to publicly humiliate her this week?

I can move some things around.

Hey, how was lunch?

Good. Um, any messages?

Nope.

Oh, yeah. Death stopped by to say hello.

Death?

Uh-huh.

Death stopped by?

To say hello.

Was it...Beth?

Could have been.

Was it a short redhead or a tall guy with a sickle?

It was Beth.

Hi.

Look at the guy on that tugboat.

Salty wind in his hair,

alone with his thoughts,

his only office the sky above and the sea ahead.

I'd kill myself.

Did you want something?

Oh, yeah. You know your assistant?

Yes. Fire her.

What?

She's terrible. Make her go away.

Look at him... probably stinks of fish.

I can't fire Cindy.

She's the first assistant I ever hired.

So?

So I don't just throw people away like you.

That's why you've been divorced three times.

That's why you got rid of Rags.

Maya, you're not making any sense.

My dog Rags, remember?

You brought him home for me when I was 7.

We made up a little bed for him in my room,

made sure he had a little bowl of water,

and everything was perfect until he chewed on your sofa,

and bam! The next day he was gone.

Maya, he wasn't an apartment dog,

so I sent him to a farm upstate

where he could run and chase bunnies and milk cows.

Trust me,

he was much happier up there.

Here's your coffee and your newspaper.

Thank you, Cindy.

You're doing a great job.

Oh, Cindy! Yeah.

You have a Post-it on your-

Oops.

Here, I got it. I got it.

Oh, thanks. Ha-ha.

What? It's her first week.

Maya, let me show you

how an assistant is supposed to function.

Dennis!

You have to be able

to count on your assistant

to do everything your right arm would:

Wave, pick up an apple, go to jury duty,

and all without question.

Yeah.

I want you to take this cup

and put it on the stoop in front of my building.

Consider it done.

See? No arguments.

I say "jump," he says "how high?"

Crazy old fart.

Well, how does it look?

Perfect, or to quote Wednesday's word,

proofoglicious.

"Proofoglicious.

"Something that is excellent

or strives to be excellence."

All hail Baxter in Printing.

Nina, get in here. You got a package.

Do you think she'll buy this gibberish?

Please. How many months

did we get her to pay an elevator tax?

Well, where is it?

Uh, where's what?

The package that came for me.

Oh, I put it on your desk.

When?

Yesterday?

I already got yesterday's package.

Well, then, what are you complaining about?

I'm not- What?

Uh, Nina, I don't have time for little mind games right now.

I'm real busy. I'm stapling, so...

Cindy?

Cindy?

Has anyone seen Cindy?

Cindy's gone. They sent her back to Idiot Central.

Who did?

I'll give you a hint.

He's got 100 grand put aside to freeze his head.

Well, it's just like Rags all over again.

Let me guess. You sent Cindy to a farm upstate

where she could run and chase bunnies.

Well, how would you like it

if someone sent you away

because you got scared and chewed on a couch?

Do you know what? You are that guy on the tugboat.

You stink!

Maya, you know the Calvin Klein people.

So it was just a big mistake?

Of course. My father would never fire you.

Well, then why did he say "you're fired"?

That's "fired" with a P-H.

It's gangsta rap for "you're doing swell."

Oh, duh!

Ooh, hiring back your assistant

and defying Daddy.

Somebody might get grounded.

I'm not defying my father.

I'm simply proving

that his whole life philosophy is wrong.

Well, well, aren't you the perpippity one?

The what?

Perpippity.

To go behind the back of a superior or a lion.

Maya, don't forget I'll need that research

by the end of the day tomorrow.

Piece of cake, and you want to know why?

Because you hired your assistant back?

Yes, and may I say I don't appreciate

your going over my head.

I am over your head.

Maya, I took action because you couldn't.

I was just doing you a favor.

And I'm gonna do you a favor

and show you that when you give someone a chance,

they can surprise you.

I'm going to give this research to Cindy.

I'm okay!

You know what?

Forget it. I'll assign it to someone else.

No, no, she can handle it.

In fact, she'll have your precious research for you

by 8 a.m. That's right, 8 a.m.

That's how much confidence I have in Cindy's abilities.

Hey, if I stand on your chair, I can see my house.

Welcome back, Cindy.

Thanks, Mr. Gallo. You're phired!

So I ate at that place last night.

Oh, yeah? What'd you have?

Uh, rosemary chicken.

Good?

Uh, pretty good.

What's the score?

9 to 8.

You gotta win by 2. I know.

Oh, thank God you two are picking on

somebody else for a change.

Hey, you've gotten too smart for us.

So, what's today's word?

Bittlecocker.

A disagreeable vagabond.

Well, I'm off to the radio show.

You two will be listening, right?

Try and stop us.

Nina...

Morning, boys. Morning.

What's the score?

Hey, that's my daughter.

Huh?

Morning, honey.

Say, about your appearance the last few days,

you would tell me if you'd moved into a tunnel,

wouldn't you?

Oh, this? I just came in early to, um,

give you the research

that Cindy was doing all night.

Oh, well, then, where is she?

Oh, yeah, she's, uh, making copies.

She just never stops.

This looks pretty good.

Told you.

Couldn't have done it any better yourself.

Nope.

Then, um, Cindy wouldn't mind

tackling those demographic studies

we've all been avoiding.

Are you kidding? She'd love it.

Come on, Maya, cut your losses.

Admit you were wrong about her.

I am not wrong.

You're so stubborn.

I am not. Oh, yeah?

How about your fourth-grade spelling bee

when you refused to leave the stage?

Okay, I am sorry,

but you can spell "chipmunk" with an O,

and if somebody had gotten that second dictionary

like I asked,

I would have gladly let go of the podium.

Good morning. I am...Emerson Gray,

and welcome to Gray...

Matters.

We're talking...

with post-feminist activist Ruth Caruso.

Good morning.

And the lovely Nina Van Horn,

former model

and current fashion editor of Blush magazine.

Hi, hi.

Today's topic...

is physical perfection:

How do we achieve it, how do we maintain it,

and...at...what...cost?

Ruth Caruso...

is the fashion industry ultimately harmful to women?

Oh, absolutely.

Women struggle to emulate the images

they see in fashion magazines,

even though those images are dangerously unrealistic,

and then to top- Now me?

Miss Van Horn.

Well, I think that all women can be beautiful.

For example, I recently saw

this sad young woman in the subway

with no makeup, hair that could break a rake,

so I handed this ugly duckling a purseful of makeup samples

and a copy of Blush,

you know, to get her started on her way.

Well, six months later,

I got a letter from a beautiful swan

who, thanks to me,

had completely turned her life around

and now is gainfully employed at some ranch in Nevada...

and dating a lot.

You are a guardian ángel.

And may I say...quite heavenly.

Oh, thank you.

You're as welcome as lemonade on a hot summer day.

Oh...

Emerson, I have no idea what that story even means,

but I'm sorry, a society that idolizes models

is a society on the decline.

You know, I just don't understand

why it's okay to worship beauty in art,

but in a magazine, you get yelled at.

I mean, really.

Aren't you being just a tad... persafunctant?

Persafunctant?

You heard me.

But I didn't understand you.

Well, then, maybe you should listen a little more

and emolicate a little less.

Emolicate?

Touché, Miss Van Horn.

I'm sure our audience would love to hear

how you became a model.

Well, I came to New York with a dream in my heart

and a driving stangle to succeed.

Stangle.

That was a good one.

You know, you certainly paint a vivid picture.

No, she doesn't. She's talking gibberish.

Five bucks says the lesbian decks her.

I remember my first big break.

I was modeling hats in Boston

when my portfolio caught the attention

of the most omutettered photographer-

Emerson, I have got to stop this.

Pipe down. I'm on the edge of my seat.

She's making up words.

Woman, please!

Apparently getting the vote hasn't taught you manners.

Nina, I apologize,

and have I mentioned how lovely you look?

Thank you, Emerson. You flammer me.

Thank you. Thank you.

Please, you embarrass me.

Oh, well, we try.

That Emerson Gray is a joy.

He's making me dinner tonight,

and for dessert, we'll be having coitus,

whatever that is.

Oh, hey, can I have a cookie?

Trade you for a smile.

Oh, bill me.

Coo-kies!

Cindy? Cindy, where were you last night?

Last night? Last night? Last night?

Cindy, listen to me.

I apologize if I wasn't clear last night when I said

"Go pick up dinner and bring it right back,"

but right now, I'm tired and I'm hungry,

and we have a lot of work to do,

so I really need you to focus, okay?

Focus. Right.

I'll go get you some coffee.

Don't leave the building!

Maya Gallo.

Oh, hi, David. Cindy, it's David.

I'm not talking to him!

Um, she'll call you back later.

I'm sure she has your number.

Okay, what's the number at the laser tag arena?

My pen!

Cindy...

What did you do to my pen?

What did you do to my pen?

Did you chew my pen, Cindy?

This was very bad, Cindy.

Very bad.

Get back here! Get back here!

Okay, you were right, I was wrong.

What do I do?

I know a guy.

I'm going away?

No, not away, just upstairs.

Joel Macdonald has a firm.

You'll love it.

There's way more room to run around up there.

Really?

And it's a non-smoking floor

with plenty of fresh air.

Well, that sounds pretty good.

I know this must have seemed

like just another week to you guys,

but to me, it felt like seven.

No, it felt like much longer to us too.

Oh, Cindy, wait.

You forgot your ball.

Mmm!

♪ Life keeps bringing me Back to you ♪

♪ Keeps bringing me home ♪

♪ It don't matter What I want to do ♪

♪ 'Cause it's got A mind of its own ♪

♪ Life keeps bringing me Back to you ♪♪

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