Original subtitles

Hey.

Hi.

Hi.

You know, I've always thought of models

as, I don't know, the enemy,

But it must be a really hard thing,

schlepping to all these magazines,

being put under such heavy scrutiny,

always being judged,

hoping someone will hire you.

I mean, there have been times

when I didn't know if I could make the rent,

so I think I know

what you must be going through.

I made $2 million last year.

With that nose?

[o/~]

Mm, your shirt smells so nice.

My mom got it for me.

Oh, I can't believe I'm finally home.

I can't believe it either.

Oh, hi. I'm Maya.

Hi, Maya. I'm Jenny.

Jenny's a math teacher at my school, so good night.

Oh, what a week.

You know, I had no idea

how hard it was to put out a magazine.

Oh, what magazine?

Blush. It's my father's magazine.

He put me in charge when he's on vacation.

Really? I love Blush.

Yeah, who doesn't? So good night.

Well, you know,

I was staring at this board that has all the pages on it,

and I kept thinking "something's not right."

Then it hit me.

I don't have to put

the "Ask Miss Pretty" column up front.

I can put it in the back

and use the front for some fashion stuff.

And after I did that, it just, like,

everything fell into place.

But Miss Pretty goes in the front.

Well, not anymore. That's my point.

You can't move Miss Pretty. You just can't.

Well, I did.

But she goes up front.

You see, a magazine has to evolve, or it dies.

It has to change, it has to grow.

You understand that, right?

Miss Pretty goes up front.

Oh, God, I have to change it.

I have to go back and change it.

Good night.

Oh, it was so nice to meet you, Brenda.

I'm not Brenda. I'm Jenny.

Oh, I thought you were dating some girl named Brenda--

Now, where were we?

Brenda, the school nurse?

I'm not gonna see you

in your underpants tonight, am I?

Hello, Smelliott.

I ran into Krista at the Mizrahi reception.

She says she hates you.

Krista? Doesn't ring a bell.

Oh, no?

Tall, brunette, gorgeous, hates your guts?

I meet so many models.

She said she'd like to tie you to a post

and beat you with an old rubber hose.

Oh, Krista.

Elliott, does it look like a magazine?

Yeah, yeah. It's fine.

You want to hear my wildest fantasy?

Yes, I do.

My dad walks in here, takes one look at the board,

and says, "Maya, it's perfect."

That's your wildest fantasy?

Yes, it is.

You need to talk to my friend Krista.

Hey, you guys, thank you so much

for all your great work this week.

I hope I wasn't too much of a slave driver.

Oh, give me a hug, hon.

You were fine.

Oh.

You done good, baby.

Don't forget me.

Aw!

I've still got it.

I'll have the pharmacy

send over some more cream.

I was having breakfast at Gilhooley's--

They serve food?

They have pretzels.

Anyway, I was seated across from this fantastic looking guy.

Our eyes met. It was electric.

Before I knew it, we were side by side,

his fingertips

slowly tracing the line of my knee

and then gently moving up my outer thigh.

Oh, it was so romantic, so sensual, so...

Where the hell is my wallet?

Oh, my God. He stole my wallet.

What's this city coming to when you can't

let a total stranger grope you in a bar?

Hey.

You want a hug, don't you?

Hey, it's perfect, isn't it?

It better be.

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

He's back.

Jack!

Oh, hey, everybody. Miss me?

ELLIOTT: Hi, Jack. We sure did.

Good job. That almost sounded sincere.

So, uh, all done, huh?

I think you'll be very pleased.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Uh-uh. You can't do that.

What?

You put an article on breast implants

next to an ad for Bounce.

Okay, then I'll switch it with this watch ad.

Uh, no.

They have it in their contract that they have to appear

in the first third of the magazine.

You know that.

Oh, well...

I'll fix it.

No, no. I'll fix it.

Fine. I'll look at it when it's right.

Who wants to see pictures?

Ooh, so how was China?

Great.

You know, it's the Year of the Rat,

but I keep writing Year of the Dog on my checks.

Guy at the airport told me that one.

Not as well as you, I'm sure.

You know, I once had an affair

with a very high-ranking dignitary from China.

Don't ask me his name.

It's a deal.

That's Allie changing Hannah's diaper

on the Great Wall,

and there's Allie changing Hannah

in Tiananmen Square,

and here I am whizzing behind some temple.

Aw, you can take the boy

out of Brooklyn...

Hey. Uh, Maya.

MAYA: What?

Presents.

Here.

I saw this and thought of you.

The pictures tell the story

of a young girl so beautiful,

she stole envy from the moon.

Wow. It's beautiful. Thanks, Dad.

Here, Nina, I got you one, too.

Oh.

And this screamed Elliott.

How so?

Squeeze its belly.

[MONKEY SHRIEKS] Elliott!

[IMITATING MONKEY] Elliott!

Thanks. I'll put him with my "I'm a pain in the Aztec"

T-shirt you brought back from Mexico.

That reminds me.

I once had an affair

with a certain Mexican movie star.

You'll never guess who.

That's right. We won't.

Ooh, candy.

"Lemon Wacky Hello."

It's supposed to be delicious.

My cab driver told me about it

when I inadvertently tipped him a year's salary.

Oh, and Dennis.

This is for you.

Hey, a scarf.

What are the odds?

No, it's an ascot.

The pictures tell the story of a young boy so daring,

he stole wisdom from the moon.

Wow. Thank you.

I will cherish it always.

Trade you for the screaming monkey.

Done.

This stuff is chewy.

Yes. It really is.

Very chewy.

You know, this isn't so delicious.

Maybe in China lemon means "dirt".

Yeah, I may have to spit this out in my scarf.

Oh, come on.

You're the only one here who can draw.

Now, the police are gonna need

a description of this guy

if they ever hope to catch him.

Fine.

What did he look like?

Let's see.

Strong chin, hazel eyes,

Roman nose, and really salty earlobes.

All right, where did he want this ad to go, Nina?

What if...

we put it right...

there?

Perfect.

And article on aging next to an ad for vodka.

Problem, solution.

Oh, yeah.

And then I can put this ad here.

No. It's too green.

Perfume ad's green, model's wearing green.

Here's green, there's green, everywhere a green green.

Hey, listen up.

I don't want to scare anyone

back to their natural hair color,

but I just saw a snake on the elevator.

What?

Yeah, simple garden snake. Relax.

Maintenance has been informed, but just to be safe,

I wouldn't leave any white mice lying around, unattended.

Okay, I know this section is perfect because...

What?

What?

I thought someone called my name.

Kill who?

What?

Nothing.

Does anyone else feel weird?

I feel fine.

My God, your pores are gigantic.

And we can put this shampoo ad over here.

No, no, no, no.

You can't just put hair anywhere.

Hair anywhere.

"Hair anywhere."

"Hair anywhere!"

"Hair anywhere."

[SNORTS]

[LAUGHTER STOPS]

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

What's going on?

I don't know.

I haven't felt this way since 1969 to 1978.

All right.

Maybe we've got the flu.

If we had the flu, could I do this?

Maybe it's something we ate.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

It's the damn Lemon Wacky Hello.

Check the ingredients.

"Corn starch, citrus taste, and hello."

It's a hallucinogen.

Probably in the opium family.

Most likely affecting

the dopamine neurotransmitters in the cerebral cortex.

I used to date Timothy Leary.

Has anybody seen Jack?

In what sense?

Something's amiss.

Something's askew.

Yeah.

Something or someone is a little... out of whack.

Is it you?

No.

Okay.

But I'm watching you.

Oh, yes. I'm watching all three of you.

[DOOR CLOSES]

I don't want the whole office

to know we're lemon wackied.

Let's go home.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. One question.

Am I losing my hair?

No.

Really?

Just act straight. Be normal.

Elliott, take a picture of me

in front of my first perfect issue.

ELLIOTT: Okay.

Okay, move to the left.

I want to get both of your heads

into frame.

All right, ready? One, two--

Wait.

I just want to change one thing.

[THUMP]

[THUMP]

There.

[SHUTTER CLICKS]

Now it's perfect.

Wait.

I think your eyes were closed.

I can't believe what just happened.

Maya?

Yes?

Board fell.

What am I gonna do?

I can't put this back together.

I can't even find my fingers.

I told you not to touch it.

No, you didn't.

Oh. Don't touch it.

Uh-oh.

What?

Board fell.

I spent all week putting together

a 200-page jigsaw puzzle,

and now it's ruined.

Wait. Elliott, you took a picture.

That had nothing to do with it.

No, no, no, no.

You took a picture of the whole board.

You've got the order of the pages on film.

Hey, you're right. Let's check.

You know, it's usually darker when I do this.

Oh, no.

Now I'm gonna have to go to my dad for help.

Come on, don't worry, Maya.

It's not like--

Uh-oh!

What?

Board fell!

Yes?

Hi.

Um... remember how I said I'd fix the board?

Well, I fixed it all right.

I fixed it to death.

What?

Well, it has to go to the printer's right now,

but it can't because it fell,

and the pages all fell and got all mixed up,

and I don't remember where they go,

and I need your help.

Maya, relax.

Lester will take care of everything.

Lester? Who's Lester?

Hello.

Hey, mama's boy, what's the matter?

You afraid of a few little snakes.

Look, there are no snakes.

No. You look.

Maybe I didn't graduate from Exterminator U,

but when I see 100 cobras squirming up a stairwell,

I don't hike up my skirt

and run away like a little sissy.

You took an oath.

What oath?

An oath to kill things for money.

You know what? Do me a favor.

Look at me funny...

Because I'm just dying for an excuse to kick your ass.

Man, if I wasn't on parole...

Ooh, oh, then run away.

Run like a little girl,

till you realize

the only thing you're running from

is yourself.

And the name of the man on first?

Who?

The first baseman.

Who?

The guy on first.

Who?

For God's sakes, tell the man his name!

Perfect.

Oh, sure, I look happy, but I don't know.

Sometimes it feels like it's all just a facade.

I give up. I'm going home.

Yeah, me, too.

Wait, wait.

No one's giving up.

I said I'd put out this damn magazine,

and that's what I'm gonna do.

Sure,

you're gonna run off

like a bunch of frightened little ants,

but you know what that would make you?

Ants.

No, no. We're going out there,

and we're gonna make a magazine.

Oh, my God, It's the cops.

We're busted.

All right, relax. I'll take care of this.

I'm in control.

Nina, Elliott, sit on the couch.

Maya, stop pacing.

Lester, act like my hand.

Cool.

Oh, it was only Finch.

Ha, good one, Dennis.

Now do a fireman.

I'm guessing there's a story behind that.

Meanwhile, there's a cop out here.

Excuse me.

Officer, I have something to say.

No, Dad, you don't.

Yes, I do, and here it is.

The day a productive American

can't enjoy a tasty treat from the Orient

is the day I move to a cave and sleep on my own beard.

I'm looking for a Nina Van Horn?

Take her away.

Something about

a stolen wallet or something.

Oh, Finch,

please show the officer to my office.

Not a good idea.

You remember, your office is full

of you-know-what-ssss...

Uh, do you mind

if we just sit and talk out there?

No, we can grab a chair anywhere.

[CHUCKLING] "Chair anywhere."

You know what the sad part is?

I could have been an Angel.

One of Charlie's Angels.

Bet you didn't know there were gonna be four of them.

I was gonna be Dara,

the Angel with expertise in explosives,

nunchucks, and ESP.

Yeah, but then testing decided

that I wasn't likable enough.

Yeah, well, you try running around all day

with nunchucks strapped to your bikini,

and see how likable you are.

For the last time...

just spell your name.

We're wasting valuable time here.

Elliott.

I gave a detailed description of the perp to my friend here.

Oh, are you a sketch artist?

I dabble.

This is the man you're looking for.

Well, this will be very helpful.

How hard can it be to spot

a cowboy with eight arms and a beak?

And salty earlobes.

Well, this is all I need.

So you're gonna show that to all the cops, right?

Oh, yeah.

Strange folks you got here.

Tell me about it.

I got to work with these freaks.

Hang on.

In the midtown area,

the number for Mongoose Rental.

They eat snakes.

Okay, all I have left is page 87.

Page... 87.

I'm up.

Something's different.

Everything's in sharp focus.

I can think clearly.

Oh... just in time for happy hour.

Maybe I'll meet someone nice.

That's it. The last one.

I'm done.

Approved.

Good night.

Michael!

Call the printers, tell them it's ready.

You know, I killed myself this week, and for what?

I mean, is he this wildly supportive

of everyone?

"Everyone," who?

Everyone who puts the magazine together.

I don't know.

He's never let anyone else do it before.

Never?

Nope.

Must be hard.

What?

To let go.

To watch someone else do something

you thought only you could do, but...

Well, it's been wacky...

And lemon.

Goodbye.

Oh, about that crazy thing I mentioned

about me wanting to be a ballerina.

That was between you and me, right?

You want to be a what?

Oh, God. Who did I tell?

Good night, Jack.

Catch you in the morning, twinkle toes.

Hi.

Hi.

Listen, thanks for trusting me with your magazine.

I really appreciate it.

It's gonna be a good issue.

Yeah, I think so.

You really showed me something today,

the way you stayed focused.

Well, in college

I was the only one coherent enough

to order the pizza.

I'm going to choose not to understand that remark.

I just wanted it to be perfect.

It is perfect.

Touch it and die.

Like I said, perfect.

You want to get something to eat?

Yeah, that'd be great.

I know this great little place in Chinatown.

Don't worry.

It's called Saul's Deli.

[ELEVATOR OPENS]

Night, guys.

Good night, Dennis.

Hey, you guys.

Careful out there.

There's about a million bats flying down Lexington Avenue...

But I'm on it.

Why the hell do I have two eyes

drawn on my hand?

[o/~]

o/~ Life keeps bringing me Back to you

o/~ Keeps bringing me home

o/~ It don't matter What I want to do

o/~ 'Cause it's got A mind of its own

o/~ Life keeps bringing me Back to you

o/~ Yeah

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