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1
00:00:02,842 --> 00:00:05,776
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
2
00:00:08,109 --> 00:00:09,709
Hello.
3
00:00:09,709 --> 00:00:11,742
Uh, no. She just left.
4
00:00:11,742 --> 00:00:14,109
Oh. Well, let me see
if I can catch her.
5
00:00:19,909 --> 00:00:23,109
Hey, Maya! It's your office!
6
00:00:23,109 --> 00:00:25,275
MAYA:
What do they want?
7
00:00:25,275 --> 00:00:27,275
Can I tell her
what this is about?
8
00:00:27,275 --> 00:00:28,642
Oh, okay.
9
00:00:28,642 --> 00:00:31,109
They want to change the title
of your article!
10
00:00:31,109 --> 00:00:32,709
To what?
11
00:00:32,709 --> 00:00:34,342
To what?
12
00:00:34,342 --> 00:00:38,076
"I Don't Need Large Breasts
to Be a Real Woman"!
13
00:00:41,475 --> 00:00:43,575
What?
14
00:00:43,575 --> 00:00:48,109
"I Don't Need Large Breasts
to Be a Real Woman"!
15
00:00:48,109 --> 00:00:49,842
What?
16
00:00:49,842 --> 00:00:54,175
"I Don't Need Large Breasts
to Be a Woman"!
17
00:00:54,175 --> 00:00:55,742
MAN: Shut up,
you freak!
18
00:01:00,009 --> 00:01:03,076
Can I take a message?
19
00:01:03,076 --> 00:01:05,609
[o/~]
20
00:01:17,575 --> 00:01:18,676
Secretary's Day.
21
00:01:18,676 --> 00:01:19,676
Ah.
22
00:01:19,676 --> 00:01:20,809
Yeah.
23
00:01:20,809 --> 00:01:22,409
Last year I forgot
to get her something.
24
00:01:22,409 --> 00:01:24,842
I had to listen to her
squawk about it for a week.
25
00:01:24,842 --> 00:01:26,676
Tell me about it.
Wah, wah, wah.
26
00:01:26,676 --> 00:01:28,409
What did you get
your gal?
27
00:01:28,409 --> 00:01:31,208
Uh, she likes jams.
28
00:01:31,208 --> 00:01:33,942
Hey, if it makes 'em feel like
more than an answering machine
29
00:01:33,942 --> 00:01:35,109
for one day a year,
30
00:01:35,109 --> 00:01:36,442
let 'em dream.
31
00:01:36,442 --> 00:01:39,242
Ha ha ha. Indeed.
32
00:01:41,642 --> 00:01:42,642
Hi, Dennis.
33
00:01:42,642 --> 00:01:44,208
Hi, Doris.
34
00:01:44,208 --> 00:01:46,909
Happy Secretary's Day.
35
00:01:46,909 --> 00:01:49,909
Shh.
36
00:01:49,909 --> 00:01:51,375
Dennis.
37
00:01:51,375 --> 00:01:52,942
Happy Secretary's Day.
38
00:01:52,942 --> 00:01:54,242
Hmm.
39
00:01:56,776 --> 00:01:58,342
Maybe Jack
will get you
40
00:01:58,342 --> 00:02:00,109
an assortment
of jams.
41
00:02:00,109 --> 00:02:02,642
Dennis loves jams.
42
00:02:09,242 --> 00:02:10,575
Aw, that was sweet.
43
00:02:10,575 --> 00:02:12,609
Look what somebody did for me.
44
00:02:12,609 --> 00:02:16,009
You know, it's crooked
on this side, though.
45
00:02:16,009 --> 00:02:17,109
Finchy, Finchy, Finchy,
46
00:02:17,109 --> 00:02:18,208
that's no way
47
00:02:18,208 --> 00:02:19,909
to kick off
Secretary's Day.
48
00:02:19,909 --> 00:02:22,842
Well, hey, maybe
this'll cheer you up.
49
00:02:22,842 --> 00:02:24,742
Oh, there's
lavender potpourri
50
00:02:24,742 --> 00:02:26,342
and some bath beads
51
00:02:26,342 --> 00:02:27,642
and a loofah sponge,
52
00:02:27,642 --> 00:02:28,976
and you can
save the basket
53
00:02:28,976 --> 00:02:30,342
for your knitting.
54
00:02:30,342 --> 00:02:31,409
Thanks.
55
00:02:31,409 --> 00:02:32,942
Maybe on Overrated
Photographer's Day,
56
00:02:32,942 --> 00:02:35,242
I'll buy you a chamois
for your head.
57
00:02:35,242 --> 00:02:37,043
I'm not a secretary.
58
00:02:37,043 --> 00:02:39,876
Hey, hey, I'm confused.
59
00:02:39,876 --> 00:02:41,143
Don't you file
60
00:02:41,143 --> 00:02:42,842
and answer the phones
and type letters?
61
00:02:42,842 --> 00:02:44,043
What's your point?
62
00:02:44,043 --> 00:02:46,308
You're not an astronaut.
63
00:02:46,308 --> 00:02:47,842
Yeah, well,
64
00:02:47,842 --> 00:02:49,043
take a letter,
Maria.
65
00:02:49,043 --> 00:02:50,776
I'm not a secretary,
either.
66
00:02:50,776 --> 00:02:52,709
Finchy, my boy,
67
00:02:52,709 --> 00:02:55,942
let me be the first to say
Happy Secretary's Day.
68
00:02:55,942 --> 00:02:56,942
Here's 50 bucks.
69
00:02:56,942 --> 00:02:58,175
Go out
and get yourself
70
00:02:58,175 --> 00:03:00,742
some of those jams
you like so much.
71
00:03:03,709 --> 00:03:05,208
Ooh, kind of makes you feel
72
00:03:05,208 --> 00:03:06,542
like beating him
with your loofah.
73
00:03:18,709 --> 00:03:20,043
It's a toaster, Nina.
74
00:03:20,043 --> 00:03:21,043
You'd know that
75
00:03:21,043 --> 00:03:22,076
if you ever
ate anything.
76
00:03:22,076 --> 00:03:25,442
I'm thinking about
getting a face lift.
77
00:03:25,442 --> 00:03:27,742
Oh, well, then at least
get a second opinion
78
00:03:27,742 --> 00:03:29,709
from the blender.
79
00:03:29,709 --> 00:03:31,375
Dr. Lowell Fisher,
80
00:03:31,375 --> 00:03:32,776
the most prominent
plastic surgeon
81
00:03:32,776 --> 00:03:34,175
on the Upper East Side,
82
00:03:34,175 --> 00:03:35,375
is giving me
a free procedure
83
00:03:35,375 --> 00:03:36,542
for referring
84
00:03:36,542 --> 00:03:38,542
all of these models
to him over the years.
85
00:03:38,542 --> 00:03:39,976
Because of me,
86
00:03:39,976 --> 00:03:43,009
he's raised more asses
than the Queen of England.
87
00:03:43,009 --> 00:03:44,575
Nina, you're so beautiful.
88
00:03:44,575 --> 00:03:45,942
You don't need anything.
89
00:03:45,942 --> 00:03:49,609
Elliott, please
help me decide.
90
00:03:49,609 --> 00:03:52,175
Now, I definitely
don't need a nose job.
91
00:03:52,175 --> 00:03:54,043
No. Your nose
is perfect.
92
00:03:54,043 --> 00:03:55,208
Maybe a boob job.
93
00:03:55,208 --> 00:03:56,609
Large breasts
seem to be back in
94
00:03:56,609 --> 00:03:57,876
this season.
95
00:03:57,876 --> 00:03:59,242
Yeah.
96
00:03:59,242 --> 00:04:00,842
Frankly, I'll never understand
why they went out.
97
00:04:00,842 --> 00:04:03,308
No need
for a tummy tuck.
98
00:04:03,308 --> 00:04:04,575
Thanks to my
smoker's cough,
99
00:04:04,575 --> 00:04:08,275
my stomach muscles
are ripped.
100
00:04:08,275 --> 00:04:09,876
Why don't you
get your arches removed?
101
00:04:09,876 --> 00:04:12,475
I understand flat feet
are all the rage in Europe.
102
00:04:14,109 --> 00:04:15,976
All right, all right, all right.
103
00:04:17,776 --> 00:04:18,976
All right.
104
00:04:18,976 --> 00:04:21,076
Pull back your face
and hold it.
105
00:04:21,076 --> 00:04:22,776
Okay.
106
00:04:22,776 --> 00:04:24,942
Now, let's see what your lips
would look like with collagen.
107
00:04:27,409 --> 00:04:29,275
All right,
now give me an eyebrow lift.
108
00:04:29,275 --> 00:04:31,475
That's perfect.
109
00:04:31,475 --> 00:04:33,475
Now, don't move a muscle.
I'll go get my camera.
110
00:04:33,475 --> 00:04:35,242
Okey-dokey.
111
00:04:37,609 --> 00:04:40,976
Elliott said
you wanted to see me.
112
00:04:46,842 --> 00:04:49,109
Jack, I need to ask you
about something.
113
00:04:49,109 --> 00:04:50,109
There you are.
114
00:04:50,109 --> 00:04:51,308
Did you finish
with the stats
115
00:04:51,308 --> 00:04:52,375
for the ad meeting?
116
00:04:52,375 --> 00:04:53,475
Well, yeah,
they're right here,
117
00:04:53,475 --> 00:04:55,275
but first I have
to talk to you about--
118
00:04:55,275 --> 00:04:56,275
And I can't find
119
00:04:56,275 --> 00:04:57,742
my speech
to the publishers.
120
00:04:57,742 --> 00:04:59,475
It's in your computer.
121
00:04:59,475 --> 00:05:01,043
Here you are.
122
00:05:01,043 --> 00:05:02,342
It's in a folder
labeled--
123
00:05:02,342 --> 00:05:03,575
now follow me--
124
00:05:03,575 --> 00:05:06,575
"Speech
to the Publishers."
125
00:05:06,575 --> 00:05:07,709
Computers.
126
00:05:07,709 --> 00:05:09,043
Yeah.
127
00:05:09,043 --> 00:05:10,076
Scary at first,
128
00:05:10,076 --> 00:05:11,275
but you'll
get used to it,
129
00:05:11,275 --> 00:05:12,976
just like fire.
130
00:05:12,976 --> 00:05:14,909
Anyway, I have
to talk to you.
131
00:05:14,909 --> 00:05:16,143
Uh, maybe later.
132
00:05:16,143 --> 00:05:18,175
Make an appointment
with yourself.
133
00:05:18,175 --> 00:05:20,542
I can't wait. I have to know.
134
00:05:20,542 --> 00:05:23,676
Do you think of me
as an ordinary secretary?
135
00:05:23,676 --> 00:05:25,175
No, I don't.
136
00:05:25,175 --> 00:05:26,442
I think of you
137
00:05:26,442 --> 00:05:27,742
as the world's greatest
secretary,
138
00:05:27,742 --> 00:05:30,208
just like on that mug
I got you last year.
139
00:05:30,208 --> 00:05:32,475
That's what I thought.
140
00:05:32,475 --> 00:05:34,409
Once a year
I get this harsh reminder
141
00:05:34,409 --> 00:05:35,676
that everyone
around this magazine
142
00:05:35,676 --> 00:05:37,976
thinks of me
as a complete loser.
143
00:05:37,976 --> 00:05:39,976
If you're talking
about that fly ball
144
00:05:39,976 --> 00:05:42,175
at the company softball game,
145
00:05:42,175 --> 00:05:44,609
no one blames you.
146
00:05:44,609 --> 00:05:46,076
I'm not.
147
00:05:46,076 --> 00:05:47,442
I'm talking about
everyone around here
148
00:05:47,442 --> 00:05:49,475
thinking
I'm nothing but a secretary.
149
00:05:49,475 --> 00:05:51,842
Who cares
what people think?
150
00:05:51,842 --> 00:05:53,043
In the words
of my father,
151
00:05:53,043 --> 00:05:54,442
"the only job
to be ashamed of
152
00:05:54,442 --> 00:05:56,043
is a job poorly done."
153
00:05:56,043 --> 00:05:57,642
And what did he do
for a living?
154
00:05:57,642 --> 00:05:58,876
He printed signs
155
00:05:58,876 --> 00:06:01,208
with inspirational
messages.
156
00:06:01,208 --> 00:06:02,275
Anyway,
157
00:06:02,275 --> 00:06:03,742
I'm glad we had
this little talk,
158
00:06:03,742 --> 00:06:04,909
and remember,
159
00:06:04,909 --> 00:06:06,375
you're never
fully dressed
160
00:06:06,375 --> 00:06:07,609
without a smile.
161
00:06:07,609 --> 00:06:08,676
Well, that's cute,
162
00:06:08,676 --> 00:06:10,409
but you're not
listening--
163
00:06:10,409 --> 00:06:12,709
Oh, there you are.
164
00:06:12,709 --> 00:06:14,575
Someone tore down
your little sign.
165
00:06:14,575 --> 00:06:16,009
There. That's better.
166
00:06:16,009 --> 00:06:17,842
Happy Secretary's Day!
167
00:06:17,842 --> 00:06:19,976
Yay!
168
00:06:19,976 --> 00:06:21,509
What's wrong?
169
00:06:21,509 --> 00:06:22,542
I got a bad case
170
00:06:22,542 --> 00:06:24,609
of screw-
this-place-itis.
171
00:06:28,742 --> 00:06:30,375
Oh, no.
172
00:06:30,375 --> 00:06:31,742
Did he forget
Secretary's Day?
173
00:06:31,742 --> 00:06:34,043
Because he used to forget
my birthday all the time,
174
00:06:34,043 --> 00:06:37,043
but if I let that bother me,
do you know what I'd be now?
175
00:06:37,043 --> 00:06:38,242
A neurotic overachiever
176
00:06:38,242 --> 00:06:40,609
who pounds Skittles
by the fistful?
177
00:06:40,609 --> 00:06:42,876
Where are you going?
178
00:06:42,876 --> 00:06:44,208
The zoo.
179
00:06:44,208 --> 00:06:45,342
Okay, don't tell me.
180
00:06:45,342 --> 00:06:47,509
I'm only trying
to be nice because--
181
00:06:50,776 --> 00:06:53,109
What? I didn't
eat breakfast.
182
00:06:58,242 --> 00:06:59,942
Not on this disk
either.
183
00:06:59,942 --> 00:07:01,308
Where the hell
184
00:07:01,308 --> 00:07:02,876
did he put
the marketing report?
185
00:07:02,876 --> 00:07:04,043
Finch, this is Maya again.
186
00:07:04,043 --> 00:07:06,575
We need you now.
187
00:07:06,575 --> 00:07:09,208
Damn it. I hope he's happy.
188
00:07:09,208 --> 00:07:10,575
Hey, I hope you're happy.
189
00:07:10,575 --> 00:07:11,676
What's that
supposed to mean?
190
00:07:11,676 --> 00:07:13,076
He came to you
with a problem.
191
00:07:13,076 --> 00:07:14,076
Did you help him?
192
00:07:14,076 --> 00:07:15,109
Yes.
193
00:07:15,109 --> 00:07:17,308
I thought he left here
rather inspired.
194
00:07:17,308 --> 00:07:20,942
Oh, Lord. You quoted Grandpa.
195
00:07:20,942 --> 00:07:22,575
Dad...
196
00:07:22,575 --> 00:07:24,475
Finch was really upset.
197
00:07:24,475 --> 00:07:26,375
You have to start
listening to people.
198
00:07:26,375 --> 00:07:27,742
Hey, I listen.
199
00:07:27,742 --> 00:07:29,043
"I'm upset,
200
00:07:29,043 --> 00:07:32,942
something, something,
blah-de-blah-de-blah."
201
00:07:32,942 --> 00:07:38,275
Jack, here's the mock-up
for that lipstick piece.
202
00:07:42,242 --> 00:07:45,709
You got a building
permit for those?
203
00:07:45,709 --> 00:07:47,542
Don't you
just love 'em?
204
00:07:47,542 --> 00:07:50,676
They say,
"Here I am."
205
00:07:50,676 --> 00:07:52,409
Actually,
they say, "Moo.
206
00:07:52,409 --> 00:07:56,742
I hope some frat guy
doesn't tip me over."
207
00:07:56,742 --> 00:07:57,842
Oh, relax.
208
00:07:57,842 --> 00:07:59,676
They're just on loan.
209
00:07:59,676 --> 00:08:01,642
From who? Jessica Rabbit?
210
00:08:01,642 --> 00:08:05,342
No. From my plastic surgeon
to see what size I want,
211
00:08:05,342 --> 00:08:07,375
a sort of test drive,
if you will.
212
00:08:07,375 --> 00:08:09,308
Nina, don't do it.
213
00:08:09,308 --> 00:08:10,509
I once did a news report
214
00:08:10,509 --> 00:08:11,709
on the dangers
of plastic surgery,
215
00:08:11,709 --> 00:08:13,308
and do you know
what the statistics say?
216
00:08:13,308 --> 00:08:14,575
Yes.
217
00:08:14,575 --> 00:08:17,143
That nine out of 10 men
prefer women with big boobs.
218
00:08:17,143 --> 00:08:18,676
And the 10th guy
preferred
219
00:08:18,676 --> 00:08:19,809
the nine other men.
220
00:08:25,442 --> 00:08:26,676
Damn.
221
00:08:26,676 --> 00:08:28,175
Finch locked
the program.
222
00:08:28,175 --> 00:08:29,842
Every time I try to open a file,
223
00:08:29,842 --> 00:08:31,442
some guy with pointy ears
pops up
224
00:08:31,442 --> 00:08:35,175
and shakes his head no.
225
00:08:35,175 --> 00:08:36,409
Let's think.
226
00:08:36,409 --> 00:08:38,375
If you were Finch,
where would you go?
227
00:08:38,375 --> 00:08:41,375
Maybe he's curled up
in Nina's bra.
228
00:08:41,375 --> 00:08:45,308
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
229
00:08:45,308 --> 00:08:46,509
What is it?
230
00:08:46,509 --> 00:08:48,076
Oh, hi, honey.
231
00:08:48,076 --> 00:08:50,509
Turn on Channel 4.
232
00:08:50,509 --> 00:08:51,776
Nina,
233
00:08:51,776 --> 00:08:52,976
I'm gonna have
the TV station
234
00:08:52,976 --> 00:08:54,308
send over the tape.
235
00:08:54,308 --> 00:08:55,876
The number of botched
nose jobs alone--
236
00:08:55,876 --> 00:08:57,143
Nose job?
237
00:08:57,143 --> 00:08:58,175
I'll have you know
238
00:08:58,175 --> 00:08:59,375
that Mick Jagger
once told me
239
00:08:59,375 --> 00:09:00,909
my nose was perfect.
240
00:09:00,909 --> 00:09:02,109
What the hell does he know?
241
00:09:02,109 --> 00:09:03,375
Look at the man's lips.
242
00:09:08,208 --> 00:09:10,575
Officials at the Bronx Zoo
still have no explanation
243
00:09:10,575 --> 00:09:14,609
as to how a man fell 12 feet
into the gorilla pit.
244
00:09:14,609 --> 00:09:17,776
Now, as you can see here,
the unidentified man
245
00:09:17,776 --> 00:09:21,909
appears to have awoken
the maternal instincts in Mona,
246
00:09:21,909 --> 00:09:24,676
a 400-pound lowland gorilla.
247
00:09:24,676 --> 00:09:27,076
Oh, my God.
It's Finch.
248
00:09:27,076 --> 00:09:30,109
NEWS ANCHOR:
We'll keep you posted on the continuing efforts
249
00:09:30,109 --> 00:09:34,009
to rescue
this obviously terrified man.
250
00:09:43,742 --> 00:09:46,175
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
251
00:09:46,175 --> 00:09:49,275
Would it kill someone
to answer my phone?
252
00:09:49,275 --> 00:09:50,809
Hello.
253
00:09:50,809 --> 00:09:53,076
No, he's not here.
254
00:09:53,076 --> 00:09:58,242
No, I don't know
if he's signed a TV movie deal.
255
00:09:58,242 --> 00:09:59,776
Yes, I'll tell him
256
00:09:59,776 --> 00:10:03,308
you co-produced
Baby Down the Well.
257
00:10:06,043 --> 00:10:07,642
Hello, nobodies.
258
00:10:07,642 --> 00:10:09,475
Here I am,
259
00:10:09,475 --> 00:10:11,776
as seen on TV.
260
00:10:11,776 --> 00:10:13,642
Oh, my gosh. Finch,
are you all right?
261
00:10:13,642 --> 00:10:14,809
Please.
262
00:10:14,809 --> 00:10:18,208
I've had enough contact
with dominant females.
263
00:10:18,208 --> 00:10:20,143
Yes, but unlike
the gorilla,
264
00:10:20,143 --> 00:10:22,175
I won't be giving you
a tongue bath.
265
00:10:24,609 --> 00:10:25,742
Oh.
266
00:10:25,742 --> 00:10:27,542
I saw you on the news
with that gorilla.
267
00:10:27,542 --> 00:10:29,442
How'd you fall in?
268
00:10:29,442 --> 00:10:32,876
Well, as I told Channels
2, 4, and 7,
269
00:10:32,876 --> 00:10:34,776
I was saving
a toddler
270
00:10:34,776 --> 00:10:36,742
who was perched
on the rail.
271
00:10:36,742 --> 00:10:37,976
Really?
272
00:10:37,976 --> 00:10:39,175
My cousin works
at the zoo.
273
00:10:39,175 --> 00:10:40,175
He said
274
00:10:40,175 --> 00:10:41,509
you were running
from a peacock.
275
00:10:44,475 --> 00:10:46,709
A, I was jogging,
276
00:10:46,709 --> 00:10:48,509
B, your cousin's
a liar,
277
00:10:48,509 --> 00:10:49,542
and C,
278
00:10:49,542 --> 00:10:51,509
some peacocks
are poisonous.
279
00:10:51,509 --> 00:10:53,342
Come on, Nikki,
let's go eat.
280
00:10:53,342 --> 00:10:55,475
No. I want to hear
what happened.
281
00:10:55,475 --> 00:10:56,676
Oh!
282
00:10:56,676 --> 00:10:58,676
Why's it so dark
over there, Elliott?
283
00:10:58,676 --> 00:11:00,143
That's right.
284
00:11:00,143 --> 00:11:01,876
The spotlight's on me.
285
00:11:11,709 --> 00:11:12,742
Hello.
286
00:11:12,742 --> 00:11:14,709
Hello.
287
00:11:14,709 --> 00:11:16,308
Say something nice.
288
00:11:16,308 --> 00:11:17,876
See what happens
289
00:11:17,876 --> 00:11:20,842
when you walk out
in the middle of a work day?
290
00:11:22,976 --> 00:11:24,175
Yes.
291
00:11:24,175 --> 00:11:25,409
The Banana Council
offers you
292
00:11:25,409 --> 00:11:26,475
three times
your salary
293
00:11:26,475 --> 00:11:27,909
to be their spokesman.
294
00:11:27,909 --> 00:11:30,409
Wow. That's great.
Isn't it, Dad?
295
00:11:30,409 --> 00:11:32,242
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
296
00:11:32,242 --> 00:11:35,575
Yes, we're all very impressed
you fell into the monkey pit...
297
00:11:37,976 --> 00:11:41,809
but I don't want to keep you
from your your work.
298
00:11:41,809 --> 00:11:44,375
Mm. Ow.
299
00:11:44,375 --> 00:11:47,143
Sorry, can't. Doctor's orders.
300
00:11:47,143 --> 00:11:52,009
I think it would be wise
for you to pick up my phone.
301
00:11:52,009 --> 00:11:54,709
Hmm. Says you.
302
00:11:54,709 --> 00:11:56,575
You see, Jack, I would.
303
00:11:56,575 --> 00:11:58,609
It's just, I'm not sure
304
00:11:58,609 --> 00:12:02,175
I still want to be a "secretary"
anymore.
305
00:12:02,175 --> 00:12:05,043
You're making a mistake.
306
00:12:05,043 --> 00:12:08,175
This monkey thing
is not going to last.
307
00:12:11,776 --> 00:12:13,976
Hello.
308
00:12:13,976 --> 00:12:15,676
It's Jay Leno.
309
00:12:15,676 --> 00:12:16,609
Oh!
310
00:12:18,076 --> 00:12:19,742
Some people rise to sudden fame.
311
00:12:19,742 --> 00:12:20,742
My next guest fell there.
312
00:12:20,742 --> 00:12:21,942
I'm sure
you've heard about this.
313
00:12:21,942 --> 00:12:23,742
This has been in all the papers
and everything.
314
00:12:23,742 --> 00:12:25,442
Please welcome
the Gorilla Man of New York,
315
00:12:25,442 --> 00:12:27,842
Dennis Finch.
316
00:12:27,842 --> 00:12:32,175
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
317
00:12:32,175 --> 00:12:33,342
Hi, Dennis.
318
00:12:33,342 --> 00:12:34,375
All right.
319
00:12:34,375 --> 00:12:37,308
Hi, how are you?
Good to see you.
320
00:12:37,308 --> 00:12:39,375
So thanks for coming
on the show, Dennis.
321
00:12:39,375 --> 00:12:41,043
Hey, well, uh,
thanks for having me.
322
00:12:41,043 --> 00:12:42,909
Howdy, Crystal.
323
00:12:42,909 --> 00:12:44,076
It's great to be sitting
324
00:12:44,076 --> 00:12:45,575
between my favorite
talk show host
325
00:12:45,575 --> 00:12:47,275
and, uh, TV's
foxiest waitress.
326
00:12:47,275 --> 00:12:48,375
Wouldn't you like
to have...
327
00:12:48,375 --> 00:12:49,575
have her as
a waitress, folks?
328
00:12:49,575 --> 00:12:50,642
Huh?
329
00:12:50,642 --> 00:12:52,909
I would.
330
00:12:52,909 --> 00:12:54,175
Actually, um,
331
00:12:54,175 --> 00:12:55,275
I don't play
a waitress.
332
00:12:55,275 --> 00:12:56,909
I play the owner
333
00:12:56,909 --> 00:12:58,876
of an airport
luncheonette.
334
00:12:58,876 --> 00:12:59,909
Oh.
335
00:12:59,909 --> 00:13:01,043
Do you serve
the food?
336
00:13:01,043 --> 00:13:02,143
Do you bus
the tables?
337
00:13:02,143 --> 00:13:03,208
Slice the pie?
338
00:13:03,208 --> 00:13:04,609
Wake up and smell
the biscuits, Flo.
339
00:13:04,609 --> 00:13:05,976
You're a waitress!
340
00:13:05,976 --> 00:13:07,043
Okay...
341
00:13:07,043 --> 00:13:08,076
Kiss my grits.
342
00:13:08,076 --> 00:13:09,676
Uh, Dennis,
Dennis, Dennis.
343
00:13:09,676 --> 00:13:10,676
I understand, uh,
344
00:13:10,676 --> 00:13:11,676
you were saving
a toddler
345
00:13:11,676 --> 00:13:13,308
when you, uh,
took the tumble.
346
00:13:13,308 --> 00:13:14,909
Why don't you
tell us about it? Oh.
347
00:13:14,909 --> 00:13:15,942
That's right, Jay.
348
00:13:15,942 --> 00:13:17,542
I think I know
where this is going,
349
00:13:17,542 --> 00:13:19,642
and I don't think of myself
as a hero.
350
00:13:19,642 --> 00:13:20,642
That's a strong word.
351
00:13:20,642 --> 00:13:21,909
I don't know about that.
352
00:13:21,909 --> 00:13:23,809
Some of these folks
might disagree. Am I right?
353
00:13:23,809 --> 00:13:25,409
You save a kid,
you're a hero. [APPLAUSE]
354
00:13:25,409 --> 00:13:26,342
Sure.
355
00:13:28,709 --> 00:13:30,043
You're very kind.
356
00:13:30,043 --> 00:13:31,809
You know, it's hard
to explain the emotions
357
00:13:31,809 --> 00:13:32,809
whirling
through my head
358
00:13:32,809 --> 00:13:34,009
when I was
in that cage.
359
00:13:34,009 --> 00:13:35,409
Mm-hmm.
I'll tell you this.
360
00:13:35,409 --> 00:13:37,342
Apes are profoundly
misunderstood, you know.
361
00:13:37,342 --> 00:13:39,043
I don't know if you saw Congo.
362
00:13:39,043 --> 00:13:40,375
Uh, well...
363
00:13:40,375 --> 00:13:41,776
Well, why don't we
show the footage
364
00:13:41,776 --> 00:13:43,009
and maybe explain
365
00:13:43,009 --> 00:13:44,275
what's going on
here, okay? Sure.
366
00:13:44,275 --> 00:13:46,009
Now, you've fallen in
the cage here, right?
367
00:13:46,009 --> 00:13:47,208
That's the gorilla
standing over you.
368
00:13:47,208 --> 00:13:48,208
You're unconscious.
369
00:13:48,208 --> 00:13:49,275
Oh, yeah, yeah,
yeah. Okay.
370
00:13:49,275 --> 00:13:50,275
I'm pretending
to be unconscious.
371
00:13:50,275 --> 00:13:51,342
Pretending?
372
00:13:51,342 --> 00:13:53,275
Yeah, well,
in the animal kingdom,
373
00:13:53,275 --> 00:13:54,342
eye contact
is considered
374
00:13:54,342 --> 00:13:56,109
an act of aggression.
375
00:13:56,109 --> 00:13:58,109
Like the streets of New York.
Same kind of thing.
376
00:13:58,109 --> 00:13:59,509
Exactly.
377
00:13:59,509 --> 00:14:00,742
Now, what's
happening here?
378
00:14:00,742 --> 00:14:02,542
What is she doing
to you here? Uh, well...
379
00:14:02,542 --> 00:14:03,542
I guess
380
00:14:03,542 --> 00:14:05,876
she's cradling
and stroking me.
381
00:14:05,876 --> 00:14:07,475
Usually don't do that
on the first date.
382
00:14:07,475 --> 00:14:08,942
I'm a little bit of a prude.
383
00:14:08,942 --> 00:14:10,342
All right, fine.
384
00:14:10,342 --> 00:14:12,009
Oh, now here I guess
385
00:14:12,009 --> 00:14:14,542
you stopped pretending
that you're unconscious.
386
00:14:14,542 --> 00:14:15,542
Very convincing.
387
00:14:15,542 --> 00:14:16,542
Actually,
you look upset.
388
00:14:16,542 --> 00:14:17,909
What are you
saying to her?
389
00:14:17,909 --> 00:14:19,709
Oh, no, no, I'm not--
You look very upset.
390
00:14:19,709 --> 00:14:20,709
I'm not scared.
391
00:14:20,709 --> 00:14:21,709
I, uh...
392
00:14:21,709 --> 00:14:22,776
I'm just
giving her a...
393
00:14:22,776 --> 00:14:24,043
I'm trying to
communicate with her,
394
00:14:24,043 --> 00:14:26,009
uh, with clicks
and grunts.
395
00:14:26,009 --> 00:14:27,609
It's... It's hard
to explain.
396
00:14:27,609 --> 00:14:28,642
They understand
397
00:14:28,642 --> 00:14:29,842
if you're willing
to teach them.
398
00:14:29,842 --> 00:14:31,175
Yeah, yeah, okay.
399
00:14:31,175 --> 00:14:32,776
I guess you're doing
your tearful goodbyes here.
400
00:14:32,776 --> 00:14:33,909
Is that what's happening?
401
00:14:33,909 --> 00:14:35,709
I... I don't know what
was going on there,
402
00:14:35,709 --> 00:14:36,776
but yeah, I think
403
00:14:36,776 --> 00:14:38,375
we both made
a good friend that day.
404
00:14:38,375 --> 00:14:39,776
Well, I'll tell you
something, you know.
405
00:14:39,776 --> 00:14:40,976
Our staff did
a little digging,
406
00:14:40,976 --> 00:14:41,976
and this
whole incident
407
00:14:41,976 --> 00:14:44,009
happened
on Secretary's Day,
408
00:14:44,009 --> 00:14:45,742
and, of course,
you being a secretary,
409
00:14:45,742 --> 00:14:47,342
didn't get a chance
to celebrate, right?
410
00:14:47,342 --> 00:14:48,742
That's not a problem, Jay.
411
00:14:48,742 --> 00:14:50,043
This is what we did.
412
00:14:50,043 --> 00:14:51,275
We here at The Tonight Show
413
00:14:51,275 --> 00:14:54,175
have put together
a little something for you.
414
00:14:54,175 --> 00:14:55,742
Well, that's honestly
not necessary.
415
00:14:55,742 --> 00:14:57,242
No, no, no, no.
416
00:14:57,242 --> 00:15:00,043
Anything we can do to make up
for your awful Secretary's Day.
417
00:15:00,043 --> 00:15:01,509
I'm not
kidding around.
418
00:15:01,509 --> 00:15:02,676
Hey, and neither
are we.
419
00:15:02,676 --> 00:15:03,709
Come on out!
420
00:15:03,709 --> 00:15:07,409
[APPLAUSE]
421
00:15:14,809 --> 00:15:17,676
I'm not a damn
secretary, people!
422
00:15:17,676 --> 00:15:19,242
Honey, do you file
423
00:15:19,242 --> 00:15:20,809
and answer phones
and get coffee?
424
00:15:23,208 --> 00:15:24,609
I know where you're
going with this--
425
00:15:24,609 --> 00:15:26,676
Well, you're not
an astronaut.
426
00:15:26,676 --> 00:15:28,409
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
427
00:15:28,409 --> 00:15:31,275
[APPLAUSE]
428
00:15:33,442 --> 00:15:35,109
Go back to Idaho!
429
00:15:37,509 --> 00:15:38,542
Okay...
430
00:15:42,742 --> 00:15:44,442
What?
431
00:15:44,442 --> 00:15:45,442
Yeah.
432
00:15:45,442 --> 00:15:46,509
Anybody want a taste
433
00:15:46,509 --> 00:15:50,043
of what I gave
that dancing gorilla?
434
00:15:50,043 --> 00:15:51,609
I didn't think so.
435
00:15:51,609 --> 00:15:53,076
Hey, Finch,
436
00:15:53,076 --> 00:15:54,776
I'm glad to see you.
437
00:15:54,776 --> 00:15:55,842
Come here.
438
00:15:55,842 --> 00:15:56,942
Come here.
439
00:15:56,942 --> 00:16:00,676
Come on, come here.
440
00:16:00,676 --> 00:16:02,009
You know,
441
00:16:02,009 --> 00:16:03,208
for whatever
it's worth,
442
00:16:03,208 --> 00:16:04,842
when I was
in the fourth grade,
443
00:16:04,842 --> 00:16:07,409
I played the king
in my school play,
444
00:16:07,409 --> 00:16:10,208
and I got so nervous
that I started to cry
445
00:16:10,208 --> 00:16:12,275
right in the middle
of my fight scene.
446
00:16:12,275 --> 00:16:14,143
So?
447
00:16:14,143 --> 00:16:17,143
So thank God
it wasn't televised.
448
00:16:23,776 --> 00:16:25,109
You're back.
449
00:16:25,109 --> 00:16:28,275
I am back.
450
00:16:28,275 --> 00:16:30,076
I'll be in meetings
all day.
451
00:16:50,842 --> 00:16:52,876
You wanted to see me?
452
00:16:52,876 --> 00:16:54,709
Yeah.
453
00:16:54,709 --> 00:16:56,375
The news story...
454
00:17:00,709 --> 00:17:03,609
I did on plastic surgery
just arrived.
455
00:17:03,609 --> 00:17:05,676
I hope you have
a strong stomach.
456
00:17:05,676 --> 00:17:08,642
Maya, why are you
so obsessed with this?
457
00:17:08,642 --> 00:17:11,175
Just sit and watch the tape.
458
00:17:11,175 --> 00:17:12,475
Oh, oh, I get it.
459
00:17:12,475 --> 00:17:13,676
I know what this is about.
460
00:17:13,676 --> 00:17:14,709
You just want to have
461
00:17:14,709 --> 00:17:17,876
the biggest breasts
in the office.
462
00:17:17,876 --> 00:17:19,208
Curses.
463
00:17:19,208 --> 00:17:21,208
You've caught on to my evil plot
464
00:17:21,208 --> 00:17:22,375
to use my bosoms
465
00:17:22,375 --> 00:17:23,609
to take over
this magazine
466
00:17:23,609 --> 00:17:24,842
and one day
the world.
467
00:17:24,842 --> 00:17:27,375
Go ahead. Make fun of me.
468
00:17:27,375 --> 00:17:29,009
I'm not
making fun of you.
469
00:17:29,009 --> 00:17:31,076
I just want
to help you.
470
00:17:31,076 --> 00:17:32,242
Oh, all right,
471
00:17:32,242 --> 00:17:33,308
I'll watch it,
472
00:17:33,308 --> 00:17:35,308
but it's not
gonna do any good.
473
00:17:38,575 --> 00:17:42,809
Could you two
wait outside?
474
00:17:49,475 --> 00:17:51,509
Hello.
475
00:17:51,509 --> 00:17:52,942
Hello.
476
00:17:52,942 --> 00:17:54,676
I was just...
477
00:17:54,676 --> 00:17:57,442
Let me get out of your way.
478
00:17:57,442 --> 00:17:58,876
No, no, no. You're fine.
479
00:17:58,876 --> 00:18:00,909
I just came
to pick something up,
480
00:18:00,909 --> 00:18:02,275
and, uh...
481
00:18:02,275 --> 00:18:04,242
I'm out of here.
482
00:18:04,242 --> 00:18:05,375
Good night.
483
00:18:05,375 --> 00:18:07,976
Good night.
484
00:18:18,509 --> 00:18:20,609
You know...
485
00:18:20,609 --> 00:18:23,275
it's gonna be hell
to catch a cab right now.
486
00:18:23,275 --> 00:18:24,676
Maybe I'll have a drink.
487
00:18:24,676 --> 00:18:25,776
Want one?
488
00:18:25,776 --> 00:18:27,976
Sure. Piña colada.
489
00:18:29,809 --> 00:18:31,575
Whatever you're having.
490
00:18:31,575 --> 00:18:34,109
Man, I love scotch,
491
00:18:34,109 --> 00:18:36,642
and not just the taste.
492
00:18:36,642 --> 00:18:39,475
I mean the ritual.
493
00:18:39,475 --> 00:18:42,742
Pouring it
into the perfect glass.
494
00:18:42,742 --> 00:18:46,175
Letting the ice melt
just enough.
495
00:18:49,642 --> 00:18:50,976
[ICE CLINKING]
496
00:18:50,976 --> 00:18:52,275
Listen to that sound.
497
00:18:54,109 --> 00:18:58,575
I love scotch
almost as much as I love cigars.
498
00:18:58,575 --> 00:19:00,776
Man, I love cigars.
499
00:19:00,776 --> 00:19:02,242
The way they smell--
500
00:19:02,242 --> 00:19:03,308
You know
what I love?
501
00:19:03,308 --> 00:19:05,143
When the rambling ends.
502
00:19:08,076 --> 00:19:09,442
Fair enough.
503
00:19:09,442 --> 00:19:11,109
Cheers.
504
00:19:15,575 --> 00:19:18,109
What a lousy day.
505
00:19:18,109 --> 00:19:21,275
One meeting
after another.
506
00:19:21,275 --> 00:19:24,409
Sometimes it all
seems so...
507
00:19:24,409 --> 00:19:25,709
meaningless.
508
00:19:25,709 --> 00:19:26,942
Gosh.
509
00:19:26,942 --> 00:19:28,976
I guess your job
is as bad as mine.
510
00:19:28,976 --> 00:19:32,208
I think we've both learned
a valuable lesson here.
511
00:19:32,208 --> 00:19:34,676
You know all my tricks,
don't you?
512
00:19:36,842 --> 00:19:38,542
Tell me something.
513
00:19:38,542 --> 00:19:40,509
How long have you been with me?
514
00:19:40,509 --> 00:19:42,275
Eight years.
515
00:19:42,275 --> 00:19:44,242
No kidding.
516
00:19:44,242 --> 00:19:48,043
That's longer
than any of my marriages.
517
00:19:48,043 --> 00:19:51,242
Yeah, but I bet
they got more money off you.
518
00:19:51,242 --> 00:19:52,575
Ha!
519
00:19:54,676 --> 00:19:56,642
I appreciate
what you're trying to do,
520
00:19:56,642 --> 00:19:59,709
but you wouldn't understand.
521
00:19:59,709 --> 00:20:02,208
In this town, you are your job,
522
00:20:02,208 --> 00:20:04,976
and I'm about an inch away
from wearing a hair net.
523
00:20:07,876 --> 00:20:09,275
You know what?
524
00:20:09,275 --> 00:20:10,642
Forget about it.
525
00:20:10,642 --> 00:20:11,942
I'll be here
tomorrow.
526
00:20:11,942 --> 00:20:13,709
I'll be fine.
527
00:20:13,709 --> 00:20:16,242
Dennis,
hang on a second.
528
00:20:16,242 --> 00:20:18,409
You know, I've been thinking.
529
00:20:18,409 --> 00:20:20,809
What if you were
a Vice President
530
00:20:20,809 --> 00:20:22,842
of Blush magazine?
531
00:20:22,842 --> 00:20:24,842
Don't toy with me, Jack.
532
00:20:24,842 --> 00:20:26,609
I'm very vulnerable right now.
533
00:20:26,609 --> 00:20:28,475
No. I'm serious.
534
00:20:28,475 --> 00:20:30,275
Effective
immediately,
535
00:20:30,275 --> 00:20:31,542
you're the new
Vice President
536
00:20:31,542 --> 00:20:33,275
of Section 4.
537
00:20:33,275 --> 00:20:34,842
Congratulations.
538
00:20:34,842 --> 00:20:36,909
What's Section 4?
539
00:20:36,909 --> 00:20:38,143
That would be your desk...
540
00:20:40,143 --> 00:20:41,842
but on your
business cards,
541
00:20:41,842 --> 00:20:45,776
it's gonna say,
"Dennis Finch, Vice President."
542
00:20:45,776 --> 00:20:48,509
Can I put out a memo?
543
00:20:48,509 --> 00:20:49,942
Sure.
544
00:20:49,942 --> 00:20:52,208
Can I get a sign
for my desk?
545
00:20:52,208 --> 00:20:53,475
Why not?
546
00:20:53,475 --> 00:20:54,776
Can I get
a secretary?
547
00:20:54,776 --> 00:20:56,109
No.
548
00:20:56,109 --> 00:20:58,375
I can live with that.
549
00:20:58,375 --> 00:21:01,509
To my new VP.
550
00:21:01,509 --> 00:21:03,242
May I live
to be 100.
551
00:21:03,242 --> 00:21:05,109
[LAUGHS]
552
00:21:05,109 --> 00:21:06,575
Whoo-hoo!
553
00:21:06,575 --> 00:21:08,575
[GLASS SHATTERS]
554
00:21:11,575 --> 00:21:13,375
What the hell are you doing?
555
00:21:13,375 --> 00:21:14,876
That's Waterford.
556
00:21:14,876 --> 00:21:16,609
I'll get a dustpan.
557
00:21:19,109 --> 00:21:20,109
[MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]
558
00:21:20,109 --> 00:21:21,175
[TV TURNS OFF]
559
00:21:21,175 --> 00:21:22,942
Pretty gruesome, huh?
560
00:21:22,942 --> 00:21:25,842
I just wish
I'd had pie with lunch,
561
00:21:25,842 --> 00:21:27,742
because I think I'm gonna barf.
562
00:21:27,742 --> 00:21:30,809
Nina...
563
00:21:30,809 --> 00:21:33,342
there's absolutely
nothing wrong
564
00:21:33,342 --> 00:21:36,175
with the way you are.
565
00:21:36,175 --> 00:21:39,475
Well, maybe you're right.
566
00:21:39,475 --> 00:21:40,842
Of course I'm right.
567
00:21:40,842 --> 00:21:42,842
You're perfect.
568
00:21:42,842 --> 00:21:44,109
Listen up, everybody.
569
00:21:44,109 --> 00:21:46,709
Blush magazine
has a new Vice President.
570
00:21:46,709 --> 00:21:50,742
Better stay out of his way,
because he's a real badass.
571
00:21:50,742 --> 00:21:51,909
Hey, Maya,
572
00:21:51,909 --> 00:21:53,809
guess who's
a new Vice President.
573
00:21:53,809 --> 00:21:55,409
NINA: Ow! My nose!
574
00:21:55,409 --> 00:21:58,009
Ooh, we'll celebrate later.
575
00:22:04,676 --> 00:22:07,542
[o/~]
576
00:22:09,776 --> 00:22:13,442
o/~ Life keeps bringing me
Back to you
577
00:22:13,442 --> 00:22:17,275
o/~ Keeps bringing me home
578
00:22:17,275 --> 00:22:20,942
o/~ It don't matter
What I want to do
579
00:22:20,942 --> 00:22:24,876
o/~ 'Cause it's got
A mind of its own
580
00:22:27,709 --> 00:22:31,208
o/~ Life keeps bringing me
Back to you
581
00:22:31,258 --> 00:22:35,808
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