All language subtitles for Jack of All Trades s02e04 The Morning After.eng

EMILIA: Thank you, Jack.

I would've finished dressing in my
bedroom, but I couldn't quite reach.

Yeah, well, at least
you have a bedroom.

You know, I'm tired of sleeping
in this lab like an old pooch.

Speaking of which, help
me with my leash, will you?

Yes, well, perhaps if you stop acting
like a dog, I might consider remodeling.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means, I heard you
and your tavern maid

chase each other around
the living room last night.

Yeah? Well, if I had my own room,
you wouldn't have heard a thing.

Besides, she's just a friend. Ha!

No, that's true.
I have a rule.

Never bring a date home. It keeps the
fatal attractions down to a minimum.

Well, I suppose
you're not all to blame.

Any woman foolhardy enough to share a
bed with you can't be entirely balanced.

Depends which position
we're in.

(ALARM TOOTING)

Ah, it's ready.

Hey, you dry-cleaned
my cape. That's swell.

Hold it up, would you?
I may have missed a spot.

(SIGHS)

Hey! Since when
are you packing heat?

Just this once,
for my little demonstration.

I've coated your cape with a
malleable titanium solution.

What, so now I'm bulletproof?

Oh, in a manner
of speaking.

It can only handle
so much wear and tear,

but it should come in handy
in emergencies.

Now come along, the Governor has
a surprise planned for us tonight.

Yeah, I'll be right with you.
I just gotta change my shorts.

CROQUE: Emilia! Jacques!

How kind to accept my
invitation at such short notice.

Oh, it's our pleasure,
Governor.

It's been so long
since we had a visit,

I was beginning to think
we'd fallen out of favor.

Oh, nonsense, madame!

Your absence has merely
made the heart grow fonder.

Gee, Brogard, if I knew you were
supplying the cheese tonight,

I would have
brought wine.

NAPOLEON: Allow me.

Madame Rothschild,
Monsieur Stiles,

you remember my brother,

le supreme empereur de France,
Napoleon Bonaparte.

Emperor, as always,
it is an honor.

(CHUCKLING)

Hey, slap me
some skin, Nappy.

What brings you to
Palau-Palau, Your Highness?

I need a screw!

(COURTIERS SNICKERING)

Please, asseyez-vous.

(SIGHS)

We have invited you here to sample
the very first bottle of wine

from the Bonaparte
family vineyard.

It shall be called "The Grapes of
Wrath: The Essence of Napoleon."

Say, I didn't know you were brewing
your own juice on the island.

The vineyards
have been kept secret,

to keep the competition from
acts of viticultural espionage.

We were hoping that a woman of
your exquisite taste, Emilia,

could give us a fair review
of our cabernet.

Oh! It would be my pleasure.

To our gracious guinea pigs,
Emilia, Jack.

Jacques and Emilia.

JACK: (CHUCKLES)
Well, down the hatch.

Morning, Jack.

What's shaking, Em?

(BOTH GASPING)

(TITTERS)

Coffee?

(SINGING) In 1801,
the Revolution had been won

And Uncle Sam's favorite son

Had a job he needed done

Which brought Jack to a lady

Both beautiful and smart

Who found his mix intriguing

A scoundrel with a heart!

From the Halls of Montezuma

To the shores of Tripoli

There was never
a leatherneck braver

A daring dragoon is he!

He'll halt the bold advance

Of Napoleon's attack

There ain't a French
or pirate rogue

Who don't know Jack!

From the Halls of Montezuma

To the shores of Tripoli

Sailin' 'round
the bloody world

To defend democracy

And when ya need
a fightin' man

To trust or watch your back

Just ask the bloke
right next to ya

Damn right!

It's Jack!

I'm in the nude.

And you're in the nude.

And we were both in bed
in the nude!

Yeah, I noticed.

Not that I was trying to
notice, you understand?

It's just that
it's kind of noticeable.

I can't believe
this is happening.

I don't even remember
what happened last night.

Let's see, we were... We were
at the Governor's mansion...

Yeah. Napoleon was there.

Wait a minute. He asked us to
sample some of his new wine.

That must be it!
We became inebriated,

came home intoxicated,
and mistakenly fornicated!

We didn't even date.

Oh, God.

I wish I were dead.

Hey, I'm starting
to take this personally.

How bad could I have been? Jack!

You promise me you will not share
our indiscretion with another soul.

A-Okay by me.

Business as usual.
Just friends.

Strictly platonic.

Oh, God!

Something else
just occurred to me.

If we were
fool enough to...

You know, then imagine what
we did in front of the Emperor!

Oh, that's a good point.

For all we know we were dirty
dancing to the French anthem.

We must find Napoleon
at once

and make sure
we didn't embarrass ourselves.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to get dressed.

So turn away.

Jack!

Oh, my Lord,
our clothes!

We couldn't even wait
to get inside!

Boy, you really
must've attacked me.

Don't you even
start with me, Jack!

(GRUNTING)

(JACK LAUGHS)

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

(CROWD LAUGHING)

Oh, my life is over.

Okay, now I'm
officially embarrassed.

(GRUNTING)

Well, brother, it seems you
have found a most intriguing way

to crush the grapes.

Wait till you see
how I handle the melons.

I hope we're not intruding,
Emperor,

but your staff informed us that
you'd be here at the vineyard

and we wanted to
thank you for

(SCREAMING)
A wonderful evening.

Sure was, wasn't it?

I was just telling my brother that
we would love to see more of you,

but, then again,
there's not much more to see.

(NAPOLEON SNICKERING)

Emilia, I always knew that Jacques
was a naughty little monkey.

I had no idea
that you were so inclined.

Emperor, Governor, we throw
ourselves at your mercy.

Whatever happened last night
will never happen again.

We meant no disrespect.

Yeah, yeah,
what she said.

You mean,
you don't remember anything?

Oh, it's a thick fog up there,
Leon. A thick, dense fog.

Excellent. I mean, no need
to worry. Right, Croque?

A little of what you fancy
does you no harm.

Everyone gets a little tipsy
now and again.

I assure you,

you are still held in the highest
regards by the French Empire.

(NAPOLEON SNICKERING)

Look, all in all, I'd
say there's no harm done.

No harm done? We've become
fodder for bathroom scrawl

and we can't even
remember why.

Well, look at
the bright side,

at least
we'll go down in history.

Oh, going down
for getting down

isn't exactly my idea
of an epitaph.

Well, for once, I'm not the
only dog in the doghouse.

Although I'm hardly blameless
in this matter, Jack,

I'm quite sure that it was you who
took advantage of the situation.

JACK: Hold on there, sister, how do
you know you weren't barking up my tree?

Because I'm not the type to go
out on a limb, especially yours.

Emilia, for Pete's sake,

how hard is it to admit that you've got
human impulses just like everybody else?

Well, it's easy
for you to say, Jack.

You prance around the
streets and men think,

"Oh, look,
there goes the stud."

I walk around, they
think, "Open all night."

I think you're being
too hard on yourself.

Look, we're not the first people
who wound up bumping cheeks

just because we threw back
one too many.

You know,
come to think of it,

we were the only ones
drinking last night.

I don't recall Napoleon
sampling the wine.

It's the same with
Croque and Brogard.

Maybe there's something
screwy with that hooch.

I think we should go
and find out.

JACK: Oh, I sure hate
these harvest festivals.

Whoa! Whoa!
Whoa!

(CROWD CHEERING)

All right. The Empereur wants
you to crush the entire vat,

and I do not expect him
to be disappointed.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Empereur, the rest
of the season's harvest

will be crushed
on schedule.

Excellent. You finally did
something right, little brother.

I live only to hear your
words of praise, brother.

Don't let it
go to your head.

Quite a remarkable demonstration
of the wine's effects

you gave us last night,
Empereur.

Yeah, I kick ass,
don't I?

The hypnotic formula which
we injected into the grapes

had a most revealing effect
on our test subjects.

Emilia and Monsieur Stiles
obeyed our every command.

And so will
every world leader,

after each one receives
a free bottle

as a gesture of
France's goodwill.

At this time next month, I'll be
using the White House as a summer home.

(LAUGHING)

That evil genius!

JACK: Using us
as guinea pigs

to test out
his zombie juice.

Seeing you is like
looking at the sun.

NAPOLEON: I told you to stop
doing that. You'll go blind!

Now he's gonna get the whole world
tipsy and take advantage of it.

That is a big problem,
Jack.

On the other hand...

We're not truly responsible
for our night of indiscretion.

Which means
you owe me an apology.

What on earth for?

You've blamed me for this
whole shebang, so to speak.

I'm sorry, Jack.
Not as sorry as I am.

I just found out we shared a
night of guilt-free pickle tickling

and I don't even remember.

(CHATTERING)

We must stop Napoleon
from shipping off that wine.

But where could he be
keeping the barrels?

Hey. I think I know a way
to loosen a few tongues.

(DOOR CLOSING)

(GROANING)

(GROANING IN EXASPERATION)

(SCREAMING)

Well, you're quite the
trianglist, Governor.

(CAT HOWLING) After a year
of lessons, I should hope so.

Governor, we just stopped by to
reciprocate your generous hospitality.

Oh.
Indeedy-do.

Payback Time.
I do not know this wine.

Oh, it's very rare. You'll
love it. Hold on to this, toots.

(MECHANICALLY)
I will obey.

Governor, sit.

Yes, madame.

Where is the Emperor?

At the storage barn on the
northernmost tip of the island,

overseeing the export
of his wine

with which we plan
to take over the world.

Ha! I'll be damned.
This stuff really works.

Okay. We got one more
question for you.

What exactly did you
tell us to do last night?

It began with the toast.
We wanted to find out if...

To our gracious guinea pigs,
Emilia, Jack.

CROQUE: Hear, hear.

(CHUCKLES)
Well, down the hatch.

(MECHANICALLY)
I will obey.

(LAUGHS)

It worked!

Emilia?

I will obey.

They're under my control.

Brother, are you quite certain
they will remember nothing of this?

Who cares?
They're peasants.

I do hope the Daring Dragoon does
not get wind of our sinister ruse.

I hope he does. I have a special
surprise in store for him.

Empereur, perhaps we should test the
limits of our guests' suggestibility.

Quite right! Jack, stand up and run
into that wall until I tell you to stop.

Sure thing, Nappy.

(NAPOLEON CHUCKLES)

Emilia, stand on the table
and dance for me.

(JACK GROANING)

(GROANS)

(COURTIERS LAUGHING)

Enough. I hate mimes.

Now, run through the streets and take off
all your clothes and go straight to bed.

I really am quite good
at what I do.

And that is what happened.

And that's all
you instructed of us?

You mean, we didn't play,
"Yank my doodle, it's a dandy"?

Once you drink the wine, you
only do what you are told to do.

Well, then that means...

We're still just friends!

Well, come on, Jack. We've
got some wine to sabotage.

Goodbye.

One more thing.

(CHUCKLES)

Fabulous.

Faster! I want every barrel
shipped out of here by dusk.

Come on, vite!

(JACK GRUNTS)

(EXCLAIMS)

Sorry to drop in uninvited,

but I'm here
to stop the wining.

Oh, Lord, why can't you
leave me alone?

You stay off my island,
I just might.

Your island? Ha! Soon the
whole world will be mine.

Not as long as
my cape's flowing, buster.

Captain, offer our guest
an appetizer

while I prepare
the main course.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(GRUNTS)
Come on.

(WHOOPS)

If it isn't
the Daring Dragoon.

That's my name.
Don't wear it out.

(SWORDS CLANKING)

Mythical folk hero
of the peasant.

I have missed
our little tete-a-tetes.

Right there with you, Brogie. Huh?

Nothing like
a good pair of tetes.

Oh, you wanna
play rough, eh?

(GROANS)

(JACK LAUGHS)

Yo! Dragoon!

Look what I picked up
at the last world's fair.

(CHUCKLES)

(EXCLAIMING)

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

Phew. You can run,
but you can't hide.

(GUN FIRING)

Yeah, baby!

(LAUGHING)

Jack, I've only punctured a handful
of barrels. I need more time.

Come out, come out,
wherever you are.

Sorry, sister, but that gun toting
insaniac's got us pinned down.

With everything that's happened,
I almost forgot your cape.

It will protect you and the bullets
will puncture every barrel in the room!

That might've been fine and dandy
for that little pop gun of yours,

but Leon here is sitting on
the edge of the grand cannon.

Okay. I'm gonna
count to trois.

Have I ever
let you down before, Jack?

Oh, all right.

Un,

But if something happens to
me, I just want you to know,

last night was the best night
I never had.

Deux,

Well, I hate to admit it,
Jack, but...

trois!

Okay, let's do it!

(JACK GRUNTING)

Come on,
you piece of crap.

(JACK LAUGHS)

Have a nice flight.

(NAPOLEON SCREAMING)

(WINE SPLASHING)

(SLURPING)

(BURPS)

BOTH: (MECHANICALLY)
I will obey.

(HUMMING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Well, as the old saying
goes,

what goes around,
comes around.

Yes. Quite. The effect
should wear off by nightfall.

Hey, what's to keep them from brewing
more of that hypnotic hooch, anyway?

Oh, not to worry, no
self-respecting wine connoisseur

would drink a bottle aged
less than five years. Yeah?

Plenty of time
for a rematch.

Hey, it was quite
a close call, huh?

Yes. Indeed.

I mean, it's probably best
that we didn't actually...

Oh, I can only imagine how it
would've changed things between us.

Of course,
if we did actually,

accidentally, without meaning
to, it might've been quite...

Yeah?

Terrible.
Yeah. God-awful.

Well, anyway, I knew all along
that nothing happened between us.

How, pray tell?

Emilia, do you really think
I'd forget a night with you?

What do you mean?

Well, you know what they say about you
intellectual librarian types, don't you?

No, what do they say?

If you don't know by now I'm not
gonna tell you. No, no, no, Jack.

You come and tell me
right now!

Oh, no. My lips are sealed,
baby! Not on your life.

(SINGING)

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