Original subtitles

Roughly 5,000 feet to the lighthouse,

which according to my calculations

makes this bay about two miles wide.

Make a note of that, would you, Jack?

Jack? What?

We came here to make a hyper-accurate survey map of the island, Jack,

not tossed salad.

Can I say something?

You're the only one I know who'd wear a frock to the beach.

Why don't you pull up a deck chair and relax?

That lily-white tush of yours could use some bronzing.

Yes, well, unfortunately with my complexion, I don't bronze, I fricassee.

What do we need to make a map for, anyway? We know our way around.

In an emergency, knowing the lay of the land can be half the battle.

Trust me, sister, I know the lay of the land.

She lives over at Fifth and Constitution.

It's your mission in life to offend me, isn't it?

Well, what are friends for?

You know, I'm beginning to believe we have slightly

divergent definitions of the word "friendship."

Oh, here we go.

To you, friendship is a rather superficial affair,

comprised mostly of catcalls, darts, and a pitcher of ale.

And I suppose your idea of palling around involves

a good cry and words like "issues" and "closure."

Well, how else am I supposed to build bonds of trust and loyalty?

I mean, the very cornerstones of a lasting friendship.

Well, obviously you've never shared a lap dance with a pal.

(SIGHING)

Well, Jack, it's still early, and if I'm to tolerate you for the rest of the day,

I'd best get back to the lab and get some real work done.

Oh, Em, I hate to see you upset.

So I'll see you later.

(JACK CHUCKLING)

Hey, I was only kidding.

(GROANING)

All right, you dang blasted injun savage! Take us to your chief!

Fellas, I'd love to join your little quest for fire, I really would.

But you got the wrong ape.

I'll be damned!

Jackie boy? Is that really you?

(STUTTERING) It's gotta be!

Lookie there. That scar on his chin!

Yeah.

Well, who are you guys? How do you know about my scar?

We were there, remember?

You cut yourself carving a peephole

in the stained glass window at the convent.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Don't you recognize your old childhood chums?

Captain Meriwether Lewis.

And Commander William Clark at your service!

Lewis and Clark!

I haven't seen you guys in a hell of a long time.

Hey, you're looking...

Say, what's with the clothes?

Well, they're all pre-Ioved.

Yeah, and we mean...

BOTH: Pre-Ioved.

So, what have you been up to?

We decided to go into the exploring business.

Really? How's it going?

Well, not bad. We've only had two bad expeditions.

Once we got lost at sea.

Yeah, and once we crash-landed on a deserted island.

So, how many expeditions have you gone on?

(STUTTERING) This here's our third.

CLARK: Yeah, third.

And to have you here on the dawning of such a momentous occasion

makes our Yankee bosoms swell with pride.

What occasion is that?

I hereby claim this sacred ground of Oregon

for the United States of America!

(LEWIS AND CLARK WHOOPING)

Hey, fellas, I hate to break this to you,

but I think you zigged when you should have zagged.

What in the name of Sam Adams are you blathering about, man?

This isn't Oregon, fellas.

Nice try, though. You only missed it by about 10,000 miles.

In 1801, the Revolution had been won

And Uncle Sam's favorite son

Had a job he needed done

Which brought Jack to a lady

Both beautiful and smart

Who found his mix intriguing

A scoundrel with a heart!

From the Halls of Montezuma

To the shores of Tripoli

There was never a leatherneck braver

A daring dragoon is he!

He'll halt the bold advance

Of Napoleon's attack

There ain't a French or pirate rogue

Who don't know Jack!

From the Halls of Montezuma

To the shores of Tripoli

Sailin' 'round the bloody world

To defend democracy

And when ya need a fightin' man

To trust or watch your back

Just ask the bloke right next to ya

Damn right!

It's Jack!

What?

Wait a minute. Are you saying this ain't Oregon?

Not exactly.

Fellas, this is an island in the East Indies.

Yeah, right. And pull the other one. It plays reveille.

(BOTH HOOTING AND LAUGHING)

Same old Jack.

Next thing he's gonna tell us the Revolutionary War's over!

Well, now that you mention it...

Let me guess. Now we're fighting the Frenchies.

Well, now that you mention it...

President Washington would love that one!

Say, Jackie, why don't you help us

plant the American flag all over this darned place?

I'd love to fellas, I really would.

But why don't you let me show you something that'll bring you up to date?

JACK: Read it and weep, fellas.

BOTH: 1801?

But it can't be.

Could we have been on that deserted island for so long?

Look at the bright side, fellas.

Now you get to explore the American West without dodging British bullets.

LEWIS: What are you talking about, Jackie?

(GASPING)

Oh, my. Perhaps you could've warned me that we had company.

Its okay, Em. They're just a couple of old pals who need directions.

(MUTTERING) And a sterilizing bath.

Emilia, I want you to meet Lewis and...

Hands up, you stuffy English muffin!

CLARK: Yeah.

What's all this about?

I can't believe it. Our old pal working with a redcoat!

Redcoat? No one's used that term in 30 years.

Shut your piehole, you constipated crumpet-eater!

CLARK: Yeah, yeah.

I thought Jack had you there with that fake newspaper!

Are you kidding? I was waiting for you to catch up.

I remember Washington told us, never put any stock in the written word

unless it come bearing the presidential seal.

Yeah. Imagine a so-called American

trying to ensnare us into a British trap. Yeah.

You boys have got me all wrong.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Freeze!

Interrogation time, missy.

You're gonna talk or you're gonna die.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(GRUNTING)

That will teach you to be so saucy, Baron Hollandaise.

Governor, I had no idea you were so nimble with a blade.

Of course, my dear.

I have lately received threats of assassination.

And after all I have done for this island...

Idle threats, I'm sure.

I pray not, Baron. I am anxious to prove

to any would-be assassin the consequences of tangling

with the Governor.

(BROGARD CLEARING THROAT)

Governor, pardon my interruption.

May I have a word?

This had better be important, Brogard.

I have a very fine audience this afternoon.

I don't wish to alarm you,

but my men have found an American canoe

with two sets of footprints headed up the beach.

Mon Dieu, the assassins are already here!

Must all great men surround themselves with walls of stone?

It is not fair. It is not fair.

Governor, please.

I want Mister Nipples.

Hello. What is that, Mister Nipples?

Mister Nipples says I must wear this suit of armor

until you capture the assassins.

He's been under a lot of pressure lately.

Who is a brave moo cow?

You are.

Yes, you are.

Trussed up like a pig.

Tell me, redcoat, do you drink tea?

Well, yes, of course I do.

Aha!

No further questions.

I fail to see how that matters.

Because it was your blasted beverage

that taxed the colonists and inspired a massacre!

I was only one year old during the Boston Tea Party.

A veteran, eh?

Lookie here.

This must be British headquarters.

We gotta commandeer the fort. Yeah.

That's the governor's mansion. The French Governor.

Why I ought to cut your tongue out for all your lying.

No. We may need her.

Let's keep them tied like hogs.

Maybe they'll squeal a little later.

(BOTH SQUEALING)

Time to take back the old red, white and blue!

(PLAYING YANKEE DOODLE ON FLUTE)

Jack, Jack, wake up.

Oh, what the hell happened?

We're in big trouble.

Hey, can we talk about it later? I got a mean headache.

If we don't talk about it now, there'll be no later.

You see, your friends have exposed a metal canister

to an electrical current from my light prototype.

Oh, whatever shall we do?

No, you don't understand.

You see, the electrical current will charge the metal into a powerful magnet.

I've never been so scared.

If the magnetism becomes powerful enough,

it will slide the Bunsen burner across the table,

igniting the petri dishes full of flammable mold spores,

and set them off like firecrackers.

If a single spark happens to land

in my turbine power generator, it'll cause a short circuit.

Oh, get to the point, will you?

The point is, Jack, we're sitting next to a ticking time bomb.

(SPARKING)

Well, I hope you've learned a lesson from all this, missy.

And what precisely is the moral I'm missing?

Always put your toys back in the toy box.

It was your buddies that put us here, remember?

Oh, for crying out loud, what do we do now?

Blow! I thought we were just friends.

The Bunsen burner.

Hello, did I come at a bad time?

Jean-Claude, we need your help.

There's a nickel bag of seed waiting for you, buddy.

You have to clip the wire at the back of the turbine generator to shut it off.

Right away.

(SQUAWKING)

Which wire, madame?

The red one.

Unfortunately, I am colorblind.

Well, you're just gonna have to guess, aren't you, buddy?

Just out of curiosity, what happens if he bites the wrong one?

The same problem.

It'll short circuit and explode.

Okay, just curious.

Here we go.

(BOTH GASPING)

Red before yellow or you're a dead fellow.

What the hell? Who wants to live forever?

Come on, you...

Way to go, J-C.

How about caviar instead of birdseed, my feathered hero?

Anything for the cause.

Hey, look, we need one more favor.

But first, nibble us out of these ropes, will you?

What would you two do without me?

I never knew this Oregon would be so tropical.

Did you say these were just nettle bushes?

Yeah.

Then why is my minuteman starting to look like a diamondback rattlesnake?

This is no time to be thinking about your skin condition.

We've got to defend our country, man.

Our God-given right to claim the West.

I'm ready to storm the place when you are.

Well, all right, then.

On the count of three. Okay.

One,

two...

(SCREAMING)

Three.

Hands up, Yankee scum.

Governor.

It is perfectly safe to come out now.

You are not in Kansas anymore.

Lead the way, little moo.

You caught them. Thank God.

Hey, how did they escape?

You knew about this, madame?

We've been tracking these American anarchists

ever since they arrived on shore.

We would've come sooner, but they abducted us!

I knew you were a lowly traitor.

I spit on your grave, you lily-livered Benedict Arnold.

Well, my friends, you picked the wrong day

to trifle with the Governor.

What's he saying?

I don't know.

Captain Brogard, throw them in prison,

and alert the firing squad.

We will execute them at...

Dawn.

Oui, Governor. Get along, little doggies.

Look, I say we take the direct approach.

Croque's paranoia has caused him to triple the guard.

You'll never get them out of jail.

Okay, fine, I'll just swoop down on a rope

and I'll rescue them just before the execution.

Jack, not even the greatest American hero

could face down an entire firing squad.

You may be able to dodge one bullet, but 10?

Why do I get the feeling you're not trying very hard?

They want us dead, remember?

Forgive me if I'm having trouble mustering up the motivation to rescue them.

Look, Em, I know you think they're a couple of murderous bags of hair.

Which they probably are.

But when we were kids, you couldn't find

better guys to raise hell with.

Are you truly prepared to risk your cover

and possibly your life to save them?

If they were in their right minds, they'd do the same for me.

Fine, I'll help.

But I'm not doing it for them. You can consider it a favor.

Okay, it's a deal. Deal.

Very well.

Our magnetic experience has given me an idea.

I may know a way to stop the execution.

Secure the prisoners!

(LEWIS AND CLARK GRUNTING)

I quote Nathan Hale when I say,

"I regret I have but one life to give for my country!"

If you've got an extra one, can I have it?

Shut up, birdbrain.

Dress up like a bush, you said.

(LEWIS AND CLARK ARGUING)

Governor. Emilia, my dear.

Is this seat taken?

As a matter of fact, it is not. Would you care to join us?

Most kind, Governor.

I can't imagine anyone else I'd rather watch an execution with

than the bravest governor in all the empire.

Oh, my dear, I have always considered you a woman of impeccable taste.

And the way you stood up to those savages...

It was most inspiring.

Not to mention you look stunning in your suit of armor.

I doubt King Arthur ever looked so noble.

(EMILIA LAUGHING)

Oh, look, they're just about to get started.

My fellow Palau-Palauans,

any execution is always a morbid affair.

(STIFLED LAUGHING)

But with the capture of these repulsive insurgents,

we have demonstrated once again that the security of our...

Well, this should make the Governor more attractive.

...and the safety of its people is always

paramount in the heart of your governor.

What's he saying?

I still don't know.

So, without further ado,

let the execution begin.

Up to you now, Jack.

I think he'll get a charge out of this.

Present arms!

(BOTH WHIMPERING)

My dear, I am feeling a little tingly.

Governor.

Ready.

Aim.

God save America!

Fire!

Huh?

Huh?

(SCREAMING)

(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)

(YELLING)

(JACK LAUGHING)

(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)

You mess with my friends, Captain, you mess with me.

The Daring Dragoon.

I should've known you were behind this.

And, as usual, you're just behind.

Get him!

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

(EMILIA GASPING)

(ALL MURMURING)

That'll teach you to mess with the Daring...

JACK: Hey!

After them!

Follow me, boys.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Come on, guys. Hoof it!

(HORSE NEIGHING)

(SOLDIERS SHOUTING)

Can you ride? No.

I can't either.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Mister Nipples is very angry.

"I, President Thomas Jefferson,

"do hereby swear the aforementioned explorers,

"Lewis and Clark,

"have landed on the wrong continent."

Yup, it's legit.

It's got the presidential seal. Where'd you get this?

Oh, a little birdie who shall remain nameless.

And who are you? Yeah.

It's okay, guys.

You don't have to apologize.

(STUTTERING) Apologize? We knew it all along.

Right.

Just making sure you're still up to par, Jackie boy.

Good work.

How are they ever going to find their way to Oregon?

Don't you worry about a thing. I've got just the ticket.

You can come out now.

Fellas, I want to introduce you to Sacajawea.

She's a well-known guide just in from the States.

(STAMMERING) We don't need no guide!

Especially don't need a woman.

Get in boat!

Get in boat now!

As I have just elucidated, Miss Rothschild,

I find that by ungrammatically dropping my articles,

it inspires more fear into the hearts of men.

We head west!

Go west!

You know, I was wrong about you, Jack.

You're as trusty and loyal a friend as anyone could ever ask for.

Thanks for sharing, Em. I didn't want this "issue" between us.

I think we've reached an adequate state of "closure."

Good. Now can we get a pitcher of beer and throw some darts?

Yes, as long as we have a good cry afterwards.

SACAJAWEA: I said west, idiots!

LEWIS: Anything you say, ma'am.

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