All language subtitles for Jack of All Trades s01e12 Up the Creek.eng

Roughly 5,000 feet
to the lighthouse,

which according to
my calculations

makes this bay
about two miles wide.

Make a note of that,
would you, Jack?

Jack?
What?

We came here to make a hyper-accurate
survey map of the island, Jack,

not tossed salad.

Can I say something?

You're the only one I know
who'd wear a frock to the beach.

Why don't you pull up
a deck chair and relax?

That lily-white tush of yours
could use some bronzing.

Yes, well, unfortunately with my
complexion, I don't bronze, I fricassee.

What do we need to make a map for,
anyway? We know our way around.

In an emergency, knowing the lay
of the land can be half the battle.

Trust me, sister,
I know the lay of the land.

She lives over at Fifth
and Constitution.

It's your mission in life
to offend me, isn't it?

Well, what are friends for?

You know, I'm beginning
to believe we have slightly

divergent definitions
of the word "friendship."

Oh, here we go.

To you, friendship is
a rather superficial affair,

comprised mostly of catcalls,
darts, and a pitcher of ale.

And I suppose your idea
of palling around involves

a good cry and words like
"issues" and "closure."

Well, how else am I supposed to
build bonds of trust and loyalty?

I mean, the very cornerstones
of a lasting friendship.

Well, obviously you've never
shared a lap dance with a pal.

(SIGHING)

Well, Jack, it's still early, and if I'm
to tolerate you for the rest of the day,

I'd best get back to the lab
and get some real work done.

Oh, Em,
I hate to see you upset.

So I'll see you later.

(JACK CHUCKLING)

Hey, I was only kidding.

(GROANING)

All right, you dang blasted injun
savage! Take us to your chief!

Fellas, I'd love to join your little
quest for fire, I really would.

But you got the wrong ape.

I'll be damned!

Jackie boy?
Is that really you?

(STUTTERING)
It's gotta be!

Lookie there.
That scar on his chin!

Yeah.

Well, who are you guys?
How do you know about my scar?

We were there, remember?

You cut yourself
carving a peephole

in the stained glass window
at the convent.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Don't you recognize
your old childhood chums?

Captain Meriwether Lewis.

And Commander William Clark
at your service!

Lewis and Clark!

I haven't seen you guys
in a hell of a long time.

Hey, you're looking...

Say, what's with the clothes?

Well, they're all pre-Ioved.

Yeah, and we mean...

BOTH: Pre-Ioved.

So, what have you been up to?

We decided to go into
the exploring business.

Really? How's it going?

Well, not bad. We've only
had two bad expeditions.

Once we got lost at sea.

Yeah, and once we crash-landed
on a deserted island.

So, how many expeditions
have you gone on?

(STUTTERING)
This here's our third.

CLARK: Yeah, third.

And to have you here on the
dawning of such a momentous occasion

makes our Yankee bosoms
swell with pride.

What occasion is that?

I hereby claim this
sacred ground of Oregon

for the United States
of America!

(LEWIS AND CLARK WHOOPING)

Hey, fellas, I hate to
break this to you,

but I think you zigged
when you should have zagged.

What in the name of Sam Adams
are you blathering about, man?

This isn't Oregon, fellas.

Nice try, though. You only
missed it by about 10,000 miles.

In 1801,
the Revolution had been won

And Uncle Sam's favorite son

Had a job he needed done

Which brought Jack to a lady

Both beautiful and smart

Who found his mix intriguing

A scoundrel with a heart!

From the Halls of Montezuma

To the shores of Tripoli

There was never
a leatherneck braver

A daring dragoon is he!

He'll halt the bold advance

Of Napoleon's attack

There ain't a French
or pirate rogue

Who don't know Jack!

From the Halls of Montezuma

To the shores of Tripoli

Sailin' 'round
the bloody world

To defend democracy

And when ya need
a fightin' man

To trust or watch your back

Just ask the bloke
right next to ya

Damn right!

It's Jack!

What?

Wait a minute. Are you
saying this ain't Oregon?

Not exactly.

Fellas, this is an island
in the East Indies.

Yeah, right. And pull the
other one. It plays reveille.

(BOTH HOOTING AND LAUGHING)

Same old Jack.

Next thing he's gonna tell us
the Revolutionary War's over!

Well, now that you
mention it...

Let me guess. Now we're
fighting the Frenchies.

Well, now that you
mention it...

President Washington
would love that one!

Say, Jackie,
why don't you help us

plant the American flag
all over this darned place?

I'd love to fellas,
I really would.

But why don't you let me show you
something that'll bring you up to date?

JACK:
Read it and weep, fellas.

BOTH: 1801?

But it can't be.

Could we have been on that
deserted island for so long?

Look at the bright side,
fellas.

Now you get to explore the American
West without dodging British bullets.

LEWIS: What are you
talking about, Jackie?

(GASPING)

Oh, my. Perhaps you could've
warned me that we had company.

Its okay, Em. They're just a couple
of old pals who need directions.

(MUTTERING)
And a sterilizing bath.

Emilia, I want you
to meet Lewis and...

Hands up,
you stuffy English muffin!

CLARK: Yeah.

What's all this about?

I can't believe it. Our old
pal working with a redcoat!

Redcoat? No one's used
that term in 30 years.

Shut your piehole,
you constipated crumpet-eater!

CLARK: Yeah, yeah.

I thought Jack had you there
with that fake newspaper!

Are you kidding? I was
waiting for you to catch up.

I remember Washington told us, never
put any stock in the written word

unless it come bearing
the presidential seal.

Yeah.
Imagine a so-called American

trying to ensnare us
into a British trap. Yeah.

You boys have
got me all wrong.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Freeze!

Interrogation time, missy.

You're gonna talk
or you're gonna die.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(GRUNTING)

That will teach you to be
so saucy, Baron Hollandaise.

Governor, I had no idea you
were so nimble with a blade.

Of course, my dear.

I have lately received
threats of assassination.

And after all I have
done for this island...

Idle threats, I'm sure.

I pray not, Baron.
I am anxious to prove

to any would-be assassin
the consequences of tangling

with the Governor.

(BROGARD CLEARING THROAT)

Governor,
pardon my interruption.

May I have a word?

This had better be
important, Brogard.

I have a very fine audience
this afternoon.

I don't wish to alarm you,

but my men have found
an American canoe

with two sets of footprints
headed up the beach.

Mon Dieu, the assassins
are already here!

Must all great men surround
themselves with walls of stone?

It is not fair.
It is not fair.

Governor, please.

I want Mister Nipples.

Hello.
What is that, Mister Nipples?

Mister Nipples says I must
wear this suit of armor

until you capture
the assassins.

He's been under
a lot of pressure lately.

Who is a brave moo cow?

You are.

Yes, you are.

Trussed up like a pig.

Tell me, redcoat,
do you drink tea?

Well, yes, of course I do.

Aha!

No further questions.

I fail to see
how that matters.

Because it was
your blasted beverage

that taxed the colonists
and inspired a massacre!

I was only one year old
during the Boston Tea Party.

A veteran, eh?

Lookie here.

This must be
British headquarters.

We gotta commandeer the fort.
Yeah.

That's the governor's mansion.
The French Governor.

Why I ought to cut your
tongue out for all your lying.

No. We may need her.

Let's keep them
tied like hogs.

Maybe they'll squeal
a little later.

(BOTH SQUEALING)

Time to take back
the old red, white and blue!

(PLAYING YANKEE DOODLE
ON FLUTE)

Jack, Jack, wake up.

Oh, what the hell happened?

We're in big trouble.

Hey, can we talk about it
later? I got a mean headache.

If we don't talk about it now,
there'll be no later.

You see, your friends have
exposed a metal canister

to an electrical current
from my light prototype.

Oh, whatever shall we do?

No, you don't understand.

You see, the electrical current will
charge the metal into a powerful magnet.

I've never been so scared.

If the magnetism becomes
powerful enough,

it will slide the Bunsen
burner across the table,

igniting the petri dishes
full of flammable mold spores,

and set them off
like firecrackers.

If a single spark
happens to land

in my turbine power generator,
it'll cause a short circuit.

Oh, get to the point,
will you?

The point is, Jack, we're sitting
next to a ticking time bomb.

(SPARKING)

Well, I hope you've learned
a lesson from all this, missy.

And what precisely
is the moral I'm missing?

Always put your toys
back in the toy box.

It was your buddies
that put us here, remember?

Oh, for crying out loud,
what do we do now?

Blow! I thought we were just friends.

The Bunsen burner.

Hello, did I come
at a bad time?

Jean-Claude,
we need your help.

There's a nickel bag of seed
waiting for you, buddy.

You have to clip the wire at the back
of the turbine generator to shut it off.

Right away.

(SQUAWKING)

Which wire, madame?

The red one.

Unfortunately,
I am colorblind.

Well, you're just gonna have
to guess, aren't you, buddy?

Just out of curiosity, what
happens if he bites the wrong one?

The same problem.

It'll short circuit
and explode.

Okay, just curious.

Here we go.

(BOTH GASPING)

Red before yellow
or you're a dead fellow.

What the hell?
Who wants to live forever?

Come on, you...

Way to go, J-C.

How about caviar instead of
birdseed, my feathered hero?

Anything for the cause.

Hey, look, we need
one more favor.

But first, nibble us
out of these ropes, will you?

What would you two
do without me?

I never knew this Oregon
would be so tropical.

Did you say these were
just nettle bushes?

Yeah.

Then why is my minuteman starting to
look like a diamondback rattlesnake?

This is no time to be thinking
about your skin condition.

We've got to defend
our country, man.

Our God-given right
to claim the West.

I'm ready to storm
the place when you are.

Well, all right, then.

On the count of three.
Okay.

One,

two...

(SCREAMING)

Three.

Hands up, Yankee scum.

Governor.

It is perfectly safe
to come out now.

You are not in
Kansas anymore.

Lead the way, little moo.

You caught them. Thank God.

Hey, how did they escape?

You knew about this, madame?

We've been tracking
these American anarchists

ever since
they arrived on shore.

We would've come sooner,
but they abducted us!

I knew you were
a lowly traitor.

I spit on your grave, you
lily-livered Benedict Arnold.

Well, my friends,
you picked the wrong day

to trifle with the Governor.

What's he saying?

I don't know.

Captain Brogard,
throw them in prison,

and alert the firing squad.

We will execute them at...

Dawn.

Oui, Governor.
Get along, little doggies.

Look, I say we take
the direct approach.

Croque's paranoia has caused
him to triple the guard.

You'll never
get them out of jail.

Okay, fine, I'll just
swoop down on a rope

and I'll rescue them
just before the execution.

Jack, not even
the greatest American hero

could face down
an entire firing squad.

You may be able to
dodge one bullet, but 10?

Why do I get the feeling
you're not trying very hard?

They want us dead, remember?

Forgive me if I'm having trouble
mustering up the motivation to rescue them.

Look, Em, I know you think they're
a couple of murderous bags of hair.

Which they probably are.

But when we were kids,
you couldn't find

better guys
to raise hell with.

Are you truly prepared
to risk your cover

and possibly your life
to save them?

If they were in their right
minds, they'd do the same for me.

Fine, I'll help.

But I'm not doing it for them.
You can consider it a favor.

Okay, it's a deal.
Deal.

Very well.

Our magnetic experience
has given me an idea.

I may know a way
to stop the execution.

Secure the prisoners!

(LEWIS AND CLARK GRUNTING)

I quote Nathan Hale
when I say,

"I regret I have but one
life to give for my country!"

If you've got an extra one,
can I have it?

Shut up, birdbrain.

Dress up like a bush,
you said.

(LEWIS AND CLARK ARGUING)

Governor.
Emilia, my dear.

Is this seat taken?

As a matter of fact, it is
not. Would you care to join us?

Most kind, Governor.

I can't imagine anyone else I'd
rather watch an execution with

than the bravest governor
in all the empire.

Oh, my dear, I have always considered
you a woman of impeccable taste.

And the way you stood up
to those savages...

It was most inspiring.

Not to mention you look
stunning in your suit of armor.

I doubt King Arthur
ever looked so noble.

(EMILIA LAUGHING)

Oh, look, they're just
about to get started.

My fellow Palau-Palauans,

any execution is
always a morbid affair.

(STIFLED LAUGHING)

But with the capture
of these repulsive insurgents,

we have demonstrated once again
that the security of our...

Well, this should make
the Governor more attractive.

...and the safety
of its people is always

paramount in the heart
of your governor.

What's he saying?

I still don't know.

So, without further ado,

let the execution begin.

Up to you now, Jack.

I think he'll get
a charge out of this.

Present arms!

(BOTH WHIMPERING)

My dear,
I am feeling a little tingly.

Governor.

Ready.

Aim.

God save America!

Fire!

Huh?

Huh?

(SCREAMING)

(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)

(YELLING)

(JACK LAUGHING)

(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)

You mess with my friends,
Captain, you mess with me.

The Daring Dragoon.

I should've known
you were behind this.

And, as usual,
you're just behind.

Get him!

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

(EMILIA GASPING)

(ALL MURMURING)

That'll teach you
to mess with the Daring...

JACK: Hey!

After them!

Follow me, boys.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Come on, guys. Hoof it!

(HORSE NEIGHING)

(SOLDIERS SHOUTING)

Can you ride?
No.

I can't either.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Mister Nipples is very angry.

"I, President
Thomas Jefferson,

"do hereby swear the
aforementioned explorers,

"Lewis and Clark,

"have landed
on the wrong continent."

Yup, it's legit.

It's got the presidential
seal. Where'd you get this?

Oh, a little birdie
who shall remain nameless.

And who are you?
Yeah.

It's okay, guys.

You don't have to apologize.

(STUTTERING) Apologize?
We knew it all along.

Right.

Just making sure you're
still up to par, Jackie boy.

Good work.

How are they ever going
to find their way to Oregon?

Don't you worry about a thing.
I've got just the ticket.

You can come out now.

Fellas, I want to
introduce you to Sacajawea.

She's a well-known guide
just in from the States.

(STAMMERING)
We don't need no guide!

Especially don't need a woman.

Get in boat!

Get in boat now!

As I have just
elucidated, Miss Rothschild,

I find that by ungrammatically
dropping my articles,

it inspires more fear
into the hearts of men.

We head west!

Go west!

You know,
I was wrong about you, Jack.

You're as trusty and loyal a
friend as anyone could ever ask for.

Thanks for sharing, Em. I didn't
want this "issue" between us.

I think we've reached an
adequate state of "closure."

Good. Now can we get a pitcher
of beer and throw some darts?

Yes, as long as we have
a good cry afterwards.

SACAJAWEA:
I said west, idiots!

LEWIS:
Anything you say, ma'am.

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