Original subtitles

Jack, I've been doing some thinking.

You have?

This simmering passion must be satisfied.

It must? I want you.

You do?

Take me, right here.

Right now.

I'm trying!

In your dreams, Monsieur Stiles.

(GASPING)

Thank goodness you regained consciousness.

The knockout gas works, but I'm still working on the side effects.

Do me a favor, will you?

Next time, try and make things a little easier to untie.

Pardon?

Hello! Let us hurry!

I must be off on a special assignment.

Special assignment, eh?

If I know you, you're going out to chase a little tail-feather.

I cannot tell a lie, Jacques.

I have met a ladybird. She is the dove of my life.

Ah, don't get too attached, she's just gonna leave you for a bigger cockatoo.

Oh, it is not the size of the beak,

but the ruffle of the feathers.

All right, all right. Is there a reason why you're here?

(SQUAWKS) A shipment will be arriving today,

from England, in a crate marked with a red X. Vive la résistance!

She's just gonna break his little heart.

Our invasion will take the island of Tengu

and its precious spices once and for all.

It had better.

I have just had a communiqué from my brother,

"Screw up this invasion

"and you will be singing soprano in the imperial boys' choir.

"Love, Napoleon."

I assure you, mon gouverneur, we will not fail.

That Napoleon was always a rotten wretch.

Pulled hair. Bit. Gave me a terrible undy grundy.

Ours was a dysfunctional family.

Not to worry. We have amassed 5,000 troops.

With them, we will take Tengu.

With Tengu, we will take the undies... Indies.

Perhaps I should have been kinder to him as a boy.

I used to steal his share of the pudding.

How was I to know he'd become a great dictator?

Governor, if I may direct your attention,

let us go over the disposition of our forces.

Why bother? We both know what will become of your elaborate stratagems

once the Daring Dragoon arrives.

But Governor, my men...

Cannot even spell "Dragoon", let alone catch one.

This time will be different, I assure you.

One man alone cannot defeat the sheer might of an entire army.

EMILIA: Just leave it there. Thanks.

Allow me.

What for?

'Cause, babycakes, without my help,

(LAUGHING) You're gonna be here all day long!

How time flies!

Goodness.

Where can one get a decent gin and tonic on this island?

Father?

(SINGING) In 1801, the Revolution had been won

And Uncle Sam's favorite son

Had a job he needed done

Which brought Jack to a lady

Both beautiful and smart

Who found his mix intriguing

A scoundrel with a heart!

From the Halls of Montezuma

To the shores of Tripoli

There was never a leatherneck braver

A daring dragoon is he!

He'll halt the bold advance

Of Napoleon's attack

There ain't a French or pirate rogue

Who don't know Jack!

From the Halls of Montezuma

To the shores of Tripoli

Sailin' 'round the bloody world

To defend democracy

And when ya need a fightin' man

To trust or watch your back

Just ask the bloke right next to ya

Damn right!

It's Jack!

Father!

Fu-fu!

Fu-fu? Father, what on Earth are you doing here?

Stopping this blasted invasion, of course.

I've been sent here to supervise the two of you

on direct orders from high command.

It seems our paths intersect once again, Mr. Stiles.

The last time we met, I was attempting to hurl you off a cliff.

Jolly good fun.

Oh, then there was the time I ran you over with that ox cart in Philly.

Ah, the Revolution. Those were the days, huh?

It seems strange to be on the same side now though, does it not?

Ah, I look forward to it, Rupe.

Truth is, I think you're one of the greatest spies alive.

To tell you the truth, I think I am, too!

You never told me you knew each other.

You never told me your father was England's greatest spy.

Impressed?

Well, of course, but I'm not about to admit it.

You know, this will be a bloody good show.

And how could I possibly pass up the chance to see

my lovely little Fu-fu again after all these years?

Father, if we're going to be working on assignment together,

I'd appreciate it if you called me by my proper title.

Of course, Agent Fu-fu.

Now, Daddy's got you a little present.

Perfume from Paris,

so you can continue to cultivate your feminine mystique

even on this godforsaken sand trap.

How thoughtful.

Now, then, let's catch up over drinks, shall we, Jack?

Lead the way, Rupster.

What about me?

Ah, yes. Have my things sent round to your house.

And I'd like a roast dinner and a bottle of claret.

A good vintage, eh?

Hey, I don't know what your secret is, but I want lessons.

SIR RUPERT: And while I was digging out from under the avalanche,

Jack put laxatives in the food supply of an entire English regiment

just before the battle.

You should have seen those redcoats run.

Yes, you always were a crafty one, Stiles.

Maybe even more underhanded than I.

Oh, it's nice of you to say, there, Rupster,

but when it comes to twisting that knife with a smile,

you're the king, baby.

Oh, how about some peas, Fu-fu?

Kind words, but give yourself proper credit.

No one can hatch a bold-faced lie quite like you.

Oh, stop.

Sorry to break up the mutual admiration society,

but shouldn't we discuss how we plan to halt the Governor's invasion?

A capital idea.

Leave it to Fu-fu to hit the nail squarely on the head.

Any ideas, Stiles?

Oh, well, as the superior officer,

I figured we'd just follow your plan.

Oh, no, no, no. As the host, why don't we hear your plan first?

No, no, no! You first.

No, no, no. I insist. After you.

We attack the munitions dump,

blow up the French powder stores.

They'll still have an army, but they won't be able to fire their guns.

I could create a diversion outside of the warehouse.

While I sneak in and light the gunpowder.

Stiles, I think we've got it.

You and me, Rupe.

Excuse me.

Yes?

Glad to see I'm still part of the team.

Of course. Credit where credit's due.

The meal is superb, Fu-fu.

And you look stunning tonight.

Did you lose weight?

Have a little more wine, Fu-fu.

Fu-fu?

JACK: Daughters. Go figure.

Stiles, my boy,

there's something wrong between my daughter and me.

No matter how hard I try, I always seem to upset her.

Well, you've come to the right place.

I'm an expert at upsetting Emilia.

What is it exactly that bothers her?

Well, in my case, it's walking, talking,

standing, sitting, eating, sleeping.

Pretty much anything I do drives her crazy.

It's a gift.

If I ask her directly, she tells me that nothing's the matter.

Hmm.

Which is why I was rather hoping that you could do me a favor.

Do try and determine what's wrong between us.

Tactfully, of course.

Oh, not to worry, Rupe. Tact is my middle name.

The munitions warehouse is just ahead. A squad of guards in front.

Act casually.

By the way, I was wondering, for no particular reason

that you should at all be suspicious about,

what's the problem between you and your old man?

Oh, you two have been talking, I see.

Whatever gave you that idea?

I mean, it's not like he told me to ask you that or anything.

But, you know, while we're on the subject...

My father's a great man, Jack.

Just not a great father.

It appears the Governor has stationed snipers

on the rooftops across from the building.

Yeah, yeah, back to the issue at hand.

Seems to me like your pop spoils you rotten.

Oh, that's precisely the problem.

He treats me like a little girl.

Fu-fu? God, I hate that name.

Well, problem solved.

From now on, I'll tell him to pretend that he respects you.

You'll do no such thing.

I will not beg for his respect. I'll earn it.

If you ask me, you two could use some counseling.

(SCOFFS)

Hey, now, don't be so surprised.

I'm not all fists and fury.

"Sensitive Stiles," they call me.

Who calls you that?

Plenty of people.

I like kittens, I like daisies. I cry.

I mean, granted, it's when I get hurt, but no one blubbers like me.

If you don't duck, Jack, I'll make you cry.

(PEOPLE SHOUTING)

What'd you do that for?

Testing the defenses.

The soldiers are on high alert.

We'll need to stage a coordinated attack using my knockout gas.

I've got to hand it to you, Fu-fu.

This knockout gas rigmarole is adorable.

However, we won't be needing it.

But the gas is the most humane and effective way to neutralize the guards.

We might as well release it.

Well, personally, I have a rule never to release my gas in public.

Agreed. It's hardly a gentlemanly way to fight

and nor is it a substitute for a sword and a good pair of fists.

(SIGHING) Okay.

Then how do you propose I neutralize the guards?

You won't. You'll stay here and hold down the fort.

Well, I don't accept that.

This is my mission as well!

As the ranking officer, I beg to differ.

Then my official report will reflect my dissension.

I'm sorry to hear that.

I'll buy you a new parasol to make it up to you.

I'll see you at dawn, Stiles.

With all due respect, sir, my report will dissent, too.

Usually when she has a hunch about things like this, she's right.

And don't you dare hold that against me.

I'll say it again, we attack at dawn, without Emilia,

and that's a direct order.

My father can be such a fool sometimes.

You got that right, sister!

Don't you talk about my father like that!

(SOUNDING OFF IN FRENCH)

There's too many soldiers.

I say we call it a day and come up with a new plan.

Yes. I already have one.

Why don't you change out of that ridiculous costume?

Sir, I'll have you know, this outfit has been remarkably effective.

How? By causing the French soldiers to laugh themselves to death?

Hiding behind a mask isn't cricket, Stiles.

I can't permit you to fight like that.

Well, mask or no mask, I say we don't fight at all.

There's too many soldiers.

You believe we'll lose?

One thing I've learned from your daughter.

If you don't fight when you can't win, you never lose.

My daughter taught you to run from a fight?

Shame on you both, sir!

She learned it from you.

The Quebec assignment, 1760?

It was a case study in sneakery, she said.

She's studied the Quebec campaign, did she?

She's studied all your missions.

Well, then, of course, she should know

that Quebec did not require a direct attack,

while our advance today would benefit from precisely that.

Look, we're not gonna get past those guards

without getting ourselves filled with a bunch of new holes,

and frankly, I'm happy with the ones I already have.

Then stay and watch me take the glory, coward.

No, no, no!

Onward to victory!

Nice hat, monsieur.

Onward to victory, indeed.

Prepare to die.

Well, lookie what what we have here.

A circle of jerks.

That's how you cure lockjaw.

Charge him!

All right, Rupert. You and me, buddy.

Now it's time for a little "duck, duck, goose."

Duck!

Duck!

Goose!

Time to blow, daddy-o. Coward, eh?

Is there anything else you need?

A warm bath? Something to eat?

Strange, you're the one taking care of me now.

I suppose that's what happens when you grow old.

Oh, you're not old.

London seems to think so.

I wasn't going to say anything, but this is my last mission.

Forcibly retired.

I'll have to sell the house. Can't live off my pension.

What do you mean, "Sell the house"?

What about your savings? What savings?

Well, you must have something.

We always lived comfortably. I had tutors.

My laboratory tuition to Oxford.

Precisely.

Everything went on your education. I saved nothing.

But I don't regret it for a moment.

I never knew.

And you never took interest in my scientific pursuits.

Well, I suppose I never forgave that damnable gravity

for what it did to your mother's once-perky buttocks.

Though I will admit, that sleeping-gas idea of yours

would have been a far better plan, after all.

Then why did you keep me out of the mission?

I wanted to protect you, keep you out of harm's way.

You've never believed in me as a spy.

I've always believed in you.

But I know the life of a spy.

Always in danger, always on the run.

I was terrified my little girl would come back to England in a box.

I always felt the same way about you.

SIR RUPERT: I don't know anything else.

I want to be like you.

Oh! Like me? Old and out to pasture?

(CLEARING THROAT)

I've been to the armory. We can hit it again at dawn.

No, we can't. What do you mean?

The armory's our best shot, no pun intended.

And it will be destroyed, but not by us. By him.

Single-handedly.

Now, listen, kid, I'm telling you, he can't handle it.

No, you listen to me, Jack.

I never knew my father sacrificed his own needs to give me a proper life.

The least I can do is give him back his dignity.

Besides, I believe I have the foolproof plan.

Father, you'll need to prepare.

You assault the armory at dawn.

Haven't you been listening? I've lost it.

Nonsense.

You'd have succeeded last time, if Jack weren't in the way.

Yeah, yeah.

You would have been much better off if I hadn't stepped in there.

Only a man of your experience can pull it off.

You must do it. Please!

For England

and for me.

Right you are.

Halt.

Pardonnez-moi, Madame Rothschild, but this area is off-limits.

Silly me. Thank you, Sergeant.

(SOLDIER SPEAKING FRENCH)

Ha! Onward to victory!

(ALL MUMBLING)

French fop!

Gallic girly boy!

Yes!

I still have it in me! Yes!

(SOUNDING OFF)

(SNORING)

Asleep on duty?

SOLDIER: The Dragoon!

It's past your bedtime, too, boys.

Get him. Get him!

Take a number, fellas. 'Cause everyone gets a turn.

Get him!

Come on, Rupert. Get the lead out.

(CHATTERING)

My hero. You're so handsome.

You're too kind. Would you hold that? Thanks very much.

What's your daughter's name? Oh. There you go, ma'am.

Gotta go! See you! I'll be back!

Damn, I'm good.

It's been a pleasure serving under you, sir.

Likewise, Stiles.

You're not quite the man I thought you were, but you'll learn.

By the way, that Dragoon costume?

Yeah?

It sort of grows on you.

(LAUGHING) Huh?

I love you, my dear.

I love you, too, Dad.

You don't know how much that means to me, Emilia.

You call me Fu-fu.

And that barrel you dropped in the warehouse?

It almost took my head off,

otherwise, the operation was a great success.

You're a bloody good spy, little girl.

Yeah. Well, it runs in the family, Dad.

JACK: See you later, Rupster.

Till we meet again!

RUPERT: Now, where is that gin? Ah.

So, how'd you get the name Fu-fu, anyway?

When I was three, one of my male playmates patronized me.

Much as you're doing now. And?

I fu him fu an open window.

And while we're on the subject,

how did you get a name like Little Willy?

Oh, Little Willy... What... Where'd you hear that?

A letter arrived from your father this morning.

Oh, for the love of God, you give me that thing!

Give me that letter! No!

You give it to me right now! Little Willy!

JACK: Fu-fu! You hear me? Stop that woman!

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0