All language subtitles for Jack of All Trades s01e03 The Floundering Father.eng

Hey, knock it off.

What is all the racket?

For the love of God,
it's an indecent hour.

It's 4:00 in the afternoon.

Apology accepted.

You don't actually think you're going
to get that sardine can to float, do you?

Well, actually
I hope it won't.

I intend to use it
for submarine exploration.

Oh, when are we gonna
take a vacation?

With you it's always
work, work, work.

We're not here
on vacation, Jack.

Besides, you never know when you
need a contraption such as this.

Yeah, never is right.

That's the problem with you
Brits, you're always over-prepared.

Yes, unlike you Americans who think
you can improvise your way through life

with a joke and a smile.

Yeah? Well, at least we know
how to live a little, sister.

And by living I suppose you
mean rolling out of bed midday

for the momentous tasks of relieving
yourself, stuffing your face

and hosing off?

Yeah, if the spirit moves me.

Call it my own personal
Declaration of Independence.

(BELL JINGLING)

Oh, someone's at the door.

(JEAN-CLAUDE SQUAWKING)

I just flew into town, and
mon dieu, are my wings sore.

Well, if it isn't Jean-Claude,
our trusty carrier parrot.

What's the word
on the cobblestone?

I was on my way to Bangkok

when I saw
a most disturbing sight.

The dreaded pirate
Blackbeard headed this way.

BOTH: Blackbeard?

The most potty-mouthed
mercenary on the seven seas?

Which way
was he headed, J. C?

I overheard a deckhand say he'd be
arriving at the port on the north shore.

Ah, the north...

Wait a minute, birdbrain, there
is no port on the north shore.

In the spirit of intrigue, everything
is not always what it seems to be.

Vive la résistance!

(PIRATES CHATTERING)

Enchanté, Monsieur Blackbeard.

I sincerely hope

the rough seas
around our fair island

did not prove a great problem
for a seaman of your stature.

I haven't just sailed half way around
the world to exchange au revoirs

with a couple of
creampuffs!

Now, how about you expedite
the forking over of me cashola?

Where's the rest of it?

(CHUCKLING) No, no, no.
We agreed.

Half the money now, half when you
deliver our distinguished guest

to Napoleon.

(GROWLING)

I am inclined to execute this
mercenary for his insolence, Governor.

How disgusting. I wouldn't
wish that on anyone.

I knew it.
Tastes like chicken.

Delightful. But perhaps I
could examine the merchandise

to see that our prize was
not damaged in the transfer.

Behold

the piggy!

I must say, that man looks
rather familiar. Familiar?

That's Benjamin Franklin.

(SINGING) In 1801,
the Revolution had been won

And Uncle Sam's favorite son

Had a job he needed done

Which brought Jack to a lady

Both beautiful and smart

Who found his mix intriguing

A scoundrel with a heart!

From the Halls of Montezuma

To the shores of Tripoli

There was never
a leatherneck braver

A daring dragoon is he!

He'll halt the bold advance

Of Napoleon's attack

There ain't a French
or pirate rogue

Who don't know Jack!

From the Halls of Montezuma

To the shores of Tripoli

Sailin' 'round
the bloody world

To defend democracy

And when ya need
a fightin' man

To trust or watch your back

Just ask the bloke
right next to ya

Damn right!

It's Jack!

That's Benjamin Franklin?

Author of
Poor Richard's Almanac?

Inventor of the stove,
creator of the lightning rod?

Yeah, you left out
one small detail.

He's also the Founding Father of
the greatest country in the world.

See, America ain't looking
too shabby now, is it?

Well, I hate to rain on your
Independence Day parade, Jack,

but Franklin was born to British
parents who clearly infused him

with the proper traits of ingenuity,
self-discipline and culture.

Oh, really? Well, let
me ask you a question.

If his parents were so thrilled
to be a couple of English muffins,

why were they so willing
to suffer a four-month,

black-plague-rat-infested ship cruise
just to get the hell out of there?

In the name of democracy,

I demand
that you release me at once!

Shut up, piggy!

Or at least provide me with a
six-course meal and a wash maiden.

But Monsieur Franklin,

democracy is
but a passing fad.

Once we discover
all your scientific secrets,

America will be ours
to do with as we choose.

Take him away!

Oui, mon capitaine.

FRANKLIN: You may be able
to imprison me,

but you will never imprison
the spirit of freedom! Ever!

(ALL LAUGHING)

What a guy.
Did you see that?

Talk about
grace under pressure.

A British quality,
to be sure.

Oh, give it up, sister. We've
got a Founding Father to rescue.

(SOUNDING OFF IN FRENCH)

Wait a minute.

You can't pass for a French
soldier with those jubblies.

You gotta hide them.

It may surprise you to know,
Jack, they're not detachable.

Too bad. It'd be a nice
addition to my teddy bear.

Yes, and it's a shame your Andrew
Johnson's not detachable, either.

I could use it to cork
wine. A pinot noir, no doubt.

Now come on,
get behind me.

Stay close
and keep your head down.

(SOUNDING OFF IN FRENCH)

(GATE OPENING)

Mr. Franklin,

I'm sure you remember me. I'm
Jack Stiles, an American agent.

Oh, thank God.
I'm starving.

You must be
my wash-maiden.

I beg your pardon?

I hope you've got a loofah.

In point of fact, Mr.
Franklin, I'm a British agent

working with your Mr. Stiles
to thwart French expansion.

In that case, you'll have to
do away with their pastries.

Every time I look at those
tiny little chocolate éclairs,

I gain five pounds.

So what exactly does
Napoleon want with you, Benji?

(SIGHING) He's asked me to build
the most shocking weapon, to be sure.

A giant kite capable of generating
an electric charge so powerful,

it'll turn
the White House black.

Not to mention,
overcook dinner entirely.

How could that be?

Electricity discharges
to the ground state

at the first opportunity
it gets.

It would be impossible
to aim such a weapon.

True, my dear.

But the simple addition of a
magnet to the head of the kite

creates a field capable of
containing the electric charge.

Ah, like a cork.

So if you remove it
over the target...

Indeed, mass destruction.

Oh, look, I hate to interrupt
this little science lesson,

but this prison
is too well-guarded

for us to get you
out of here right now.

So, tomorrow morning
at dawn,

when they're taking you
back to the ship,

we'll arrange a little
kidnapping of our own.

JACK: See ya.
My sandwich!

SOLDIER: Close the gate!

I hope you won't think me
indelicate, Monsieur Blackbeard,

but I could not
help noticing

that your beard
was not entirely black.

(SNORTING)

Well, Gov,

it just so happens
I got this here trick lip.

And whenever I'm sucking on a sample
of me, uh, preferred dinner hooch,

I's tend to dribble on me
wee namesake here.

That is quite
a pungent odor, monsieur.

Kerosene!

Good for the old sciatica!

CROQUE: Fire.

Tell me,
my repulsive friend,

are you enjoying your stay
on Palau-Palau?

Well, let's see.

I spent most of me day
sitting on your flush hole

'cause I was stupid enough
to drink the water.

Then, after a quick dip at a
local gentlemen's establishment,

I discovered the painful
sensation of blowing fireballs

out of me Long John Silver!

Delightful.

Louis, a shot of penicillin for
our revolting guest, tout de suite.

I hope your crew is prepared
for any eventuality, monsieur.

You saying
that I is a crappy pirate?

What Capitaine Brogard
means

is that a masked man the locals
refer to as the Daring Dragoon

has taken it upon himself to
interfere with our operations.

The Daring Dragoon?

Sounds like a creampuff!

And you know
what I do to creampuffs?

I think
a few extra precautions

might afford us all
a better night's repose.

I believe I have a plan,
mon gouverneur.

You grab the trunk.
We ain't got all day.

Excuse me, boys.

(EXCLAIMS)

Could somebody help me
with my num nums?

(PIRATES EXCLAIMING)

Me?

Whoa, boy.

All right,
down you go.

Ha! A granny knot.

This was all too easy.

(URGING HORSE)

For once, Monsieur Dragoon,
we are in complete agreement.

(WHISTLES)

Go ahead and shoot.

But I gotta warn you, me and the big
guy upstairs have an understanding.

Oh? Yeah, he picks the
winners at the track,

I give 10%
to the orphan's fund.

You kill me, you'll break
their little hearts.

I detest children.

You would, you humbug.

You wanna tee off
the Almighty?

I would gladly go to hell to insure
your eternity there as well, monsieur.

Until we meet again.

Ten of your American dollars
says God is a woman.

Well, that explains why we're
always trying to please her,

and nothing we ever do
is good enough.

It would also explain why
we're no longer covered in fur

(BLACKBEARD YELLING) While we
hunt our neighbors for recreation.

Yeah, yeah. Next thing
you'll tell me, God's British.

I'm trying to break you
in slowly, Jack.

Oh, we're too late. Blackbeard's
sailed with Franklin.

We've got
to get on that ship.

What, are you
out of your mind?

If he sees us
rowing after him,

he'll blow us straight to that
feminine British heaven of yours.

Jack, Jack, Jack. You must learn
to think three-dimensionally.

Oh, I do. What are you,
36, 24, 36?

By three-dimensionally,

I mean there's more to the ocean
than the surface of the water.

JACK: Boy, now I know
what a sardine feels like.

(JACK GROANING)

Say, why do I have to do all
the work? My ship, my rules.

Besides, far be it for me to enforce the
British custom of teatime on an American.

When it's burgertime,
I'll paddle.

(SCOFFING)

This from a woman whose country
gave us mint jelly and kidney pie.

Well, you're just bitter because
you know we wouldn't have a chance

of rescuing Franklin if it
weren't for my submarine.

Still think we British
are over-prepared?

(SUBMARINE RUMBLING)

(SNICKERING) I hope
you're prepared to die.

Hull pressure's rising,
Jack!

We're sinking! I thought
that was the point!

If we pass below a certain
depth, we'll be crushed!

We need propulsion.
I'm trying to propulse.

It's not you. It's an electrical
fault, but I can't pinpoint it.

Stand back!

This is how we fix things
in America!

Jack, you did it!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

My tea's getting cold. Yeah.
I'd better get back to paddling.

PIRATE: Steady as she goes!

Hey, thar she blows.

We'll attach ourselves
to the aft underside,

drill a hole into the vessel
and pull Franklin out.

And how exactly do we do that
without flooding the sub?

Oh, I've equipped this hatch
with a watertight docking ring.

Well, he could be anywhere
up on that tub.

I'm familiar
with this design,

thanks to my
exporting business.

If I were Blackbeard, I'd
place Franklin in the pantry.

It's the only locking room
on the ship.

Keep paddling.

Maybe God is a woman.

(BLACKBEARD YELLING)

(SINGING) What shall we do
with the piece of bacon?

(ALL SINGING) What shall we
do with the piece of bacon?

What shall we do
with the piece of bacon?

We'll fry him in the morning.

(BLACKBEARD LAUGHING)

Aye-aye, me mateys.

(CRASHING)

What was that?

Check on the hog!

(BURPING)

Mr. Franklin,
your carriage awaits.

See, now this is what
I'm talking about.

Here we are in the middle
of a splashy entrance,

and all your
proper English mind

can concoct is
"Your carriage awaits"?

This is Ben Franklin,
not Cinderella.

Yes. Go ahead then, Jack. Enthrall
me with your American verbiage.

Oh, it's too late,
the moment's passed.

May I suggest that we make
like shuffleboard players

and get the puck out of here?

(PIRATE SHOUTING)
Good enough for me.

You get that flounder
started, I'll hold them off.

Uh-uh-uh.

No eating between meals.

What the hell are you doing
on my ship?

Ah, you know me,
I never pass up a sail.

A word of advice, deathbreath.
Lay off the liverwurst.

(EXCLAIMING)

You are quite an engineer,
my dear.

Well, truth be told, the sub's electrical
system is based on your studies.

Not again!

What seems
to be the problem?

The propulsion system
isn't getting any power!

Anyone ever tell you
you got a dirty mouth?

Yeah, your mother, when I was
showing her how to wax my plank.

Okay.
Now you're just being rude.

For the love of God,
have mercy.

Not the tongue.

(JACK SHOUTING)

Oh, you are the grossest pirate. Right.

That does it.
Time to feed the fishies.

Sorry, but I've got
bigger fish to fry.

It's the catalytic coils. They're
not supplying power to the engine.

What did you make them
out of? Well, lead. Why?

Lead has a prodigiously
low melting point.

The coils have
probably atomized.

Well, then we'll have
to bypass them.

They won't reach!

I hate to be an alarmist,
but Blackbeard breathes fire.

What have you done
to me ship?

Oh, we need a conductor, or we're
never gonna get these engines started.

And now,

Blackbeard presents
a painful and fiery death!

I'll conduct.
What do I have to do?

Just hold these.

How hard could it be?

Piggy, huh?

Hit it, sister.

Boy, does this...

This is...

(STUTTERING)

(BLACKBEARD SCREAMING)

(MUMBLING)
Emilia...

Emilia, how much...

(QUIVERING)

...Ionger?

EMILIA: Roughly
100 nautical miles.

JACK: (QUIVERING)
Well, that's not so bad.

(JACK SHOUTING)

EMILIA: I've arranged for one of my
shipping vessels to take you home,

Mr. Franklin.

I'll advise the President you
have matters well in hand, Jack.

You see? That is where
we have you Brits beat.

Oh, not this again. The
King's crown is inherited.

It's passed down from one
idiot inbred son to the next.

But the President,
no, no, no.

His power is from the people
and the rule of law.

It was our own
English King John

who first signed into
effect the Magna Carta,

which established that
no man, not even a king,

is above the law. And
that was 600 years ago.

Britain is quite advanced,
Jack.

Stick that in your Liberty
Bell and ring it, Stiles.

Say, who's side
are you on anyway?

Jack,

I invented these spectacles
so I could see the fine print.

Despite all the bickering, today
I have seen the best of England

and the best of America,

working together side by
side for the common good.

You two are the beginning of a lasting
partnership between two great nations.

If you don't
kill each other first.

Bloody good speech, Ben.

Right on, Mr. Franklin.

See, that's why
he's on the C-note, baby.

So, Emilia,
care for a spot of tea?

Sure, pal, after we stop
for a cheeseburger.

Is that really
how I sound?

That's exactly
how you sound.

You can't do an English accent
to save yourself, frankly.

Oh, really? Would you like
to hear how you sound to me?

Go for it.
It doesn't bother me.

(MOCKING) Oh, go for
it. It doesn't bother me.

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