Original subtitles

(CHATTERING)

Oh, Governor, Captain.

Fancy bumping into you.

Bumping into you is always a pleasure, madame.

And what brings you to the docks, Emilia?

Just seeing off one of my shipments. And you?

We are here to meet a most prestigious visitor.

Oh? What does your guest look like?

There is little point in trying to describe him.

You see, he is the most famous spy in all of France.

A famous spy, how useful.

He is a master of disguise. Impossible to pick out of a crowd.

This must be him now.

Do not tell me your distinguished Governorship

has made a public appearance simply to greet a French servant.

Nonsense, your reputation precedes you, Monsieur Martin,

if indeed it is your real name.

But where are my manners? Permit me to introduce Madame Emilia Rothschild.

She is one of our local exporters

and rumored to speak nearly as many languages as yourself.

Oh, really?

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

And this is Captain Brogard.

Not to be rude,

but perhaps we should continue our introductions in a less public place.

Quite right.

You see, one of our locals has taken to running around in his pajamas

and foiling our every attempt to civilize these people.

Oh, mon Dieu!

Not to worry. We have taken every precaution to insure your safety.

Then we'd best be off then.

Right this way, Mr. Martin.

(JACK LAUGHING)

CROQUE: Mon Dieu! MARTIN: Help me!

Help me! Help me!

(JACK LAUGHING)

Go!

MARTIN: Help me!

Would you hold this please, Governor?

Island Bellhop Service. Let me take your bag.

You'll never get away with this.

Sorry you had to see this, miss.

(HORSE NEIGHING)

Right on time, Nutcracker.

(URGING HORSE)

(JACK LAUGHING)

Welcome to Palau-Palau.

JACK: Flick of the wrist and open Sesame.

The code's not here.

You know, this wasn't exactly the kind of debriefing I had in mind.

You're hiding something, sister. Now, come on. Spill.

My informant thinks this could be a list of local artists

whose work is subversive to the French.

If we don't get our hands on that code,

the streets of Palau-Palau will run red with their blood.

(SINGING) In 1801, the Revolution had been won

And Uncle Sam's favorite son

Had a job he needed done

Which brought Jack to a lady

Both beautiful and smart

Who found his mix intriguing

A scoundrel with a heart!

From the Halls of Montezuma

To the shores of Tripoli

There was never a leatherneck braver

A daring dragoon is he!

He'll halt the bold advance

Of Napoleon's attack

There ain't a French or pirate rogue

Who don't know Jack!

From the Halls of Montezuma

To the shores of Tripoli

Sailin' 'round the bloody world

To defend democracy

And when ya need a fightin' man

To trust or watch your back

Just ask the bloke right next to ya

Damn right!

It's Jack!

I must apologize again, Monsieur Martin, for the loss of your briefcase.

Not at all, Governor.

I never keep anything classified in it.

Then why was it handcuffed to your wrist?

No doubt a diversion, eh, Monsieur?

(GIGGLING)

Sadly, no.

I have a... How shall we say...

A condition which requires me to wear special undergarments.

A Jacques strap, no doubt.

So what brings you to our island paradise, Mr. Martin?

I am simply passing through on business.

I will be in your quaint township but for one evening.

Enough time to paint the town rouge, eh?

But this is perfect.

I am having a little soirée this evening.

It is my birthday today.

How old are you, Governor?

I am 23.

I am afraid not, Governor.

You see, it is my policy never to mix business with pleasure.

Nonsense, Monsieur, you must come.

I have already invited half the island. The better half, that is.

Now, now, Governor,

we must never let our patriotism lead us to believe

that other cultures are inferior.

Hear, hear, Mr. Martin. Noble sentiment indeed.

Forgive me, I misspoke.

When I said the better half, I meant the wealthy half.

You know, there's nothing like the sweet smell of a domesticated woman.

And I mean that in the most respectful way.

Care to try some?

Sure, lay it on me, baby.

Oh, holy shipwrecked son of a ditchdigger!

It's my latest weapon. I call it ginger spray.

Well, congratulations 'cause I'm blind.

Yes! It works!

And now we must immerse the affected area completely.

Immerse the affected...

Don't worry. Shouldn't be any permanent damage.

(MUTTERING)

Was it something I said?

Now that I have your attention, let's discuss our party plans.

No thanks.

I got better things to do with my evening than hang out with a bunch of croissandwiches.

It's the perfect opportunity to get that code from Martin.

We don't even know where he keeps it.

If it wasn't in his briefcase, he must carry it on him somewhere.

I can't imagine where he has it tucked away.

Unless... He mentioned he wears special undergarments.

Ah, he keeps it in the safe with the family jewels, huh?

Well, in that case you're gonna have to be the one to pull it off.

Pull what off?

His pants, if you wanna be specific.

You'll seduce him and get the code in the heat of passion.

Why me?

I don't like brunettes.

Look, I'm not saying you have to ride the pink toboggan.

Just go far enough to get his clothes off.

Yes, I suppose I could do that for the mission.

I see what's going on here.

Someone's a little rusty. Haven't shucked the corn lately, eh?

I beg your pardon?

Been a while since you slopped the hog?

(TOOTING)

My dear misguided Stiles,

it takes more than a few filthy metaphors to get a rise out of me.

Really? I only need one.

None the less, Mr. Martin is a male and so are you.

Therefore, I will listen to any advice you have to give.

And if all goes well, I will convince Mr. Martin

that I am more than capable of tenderizing the T-bone.

What a mouth on that woman.

(GIGGLING)

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Entrez.

I brought you your spare underwear until your briefcase is found.

Oh, how very civilized of you, Capitaine.

Our guests should be arriving shortly for the evening's events.

I cannot stay long.

I need a solid eight hours of sleep before I depart for the next port.

(GIGGLING)

With all due respect, Monsieur,

you are not exactly what one imagines when one thinks of France's greatest spy.

Allow me to introduce myself.

I am Bernard St. Bernard,

known throughout the intelligence community

as I'Ombre Fatale, the Shadow of Death.

No living soul has ever bettered me at my own game

until this morning.

The Dragoon. I, too, have been mocked by his effrontery.

Fortunately for us both,

the good Governor has presented us with the perfect forum

at which to set a trap.

How can I be of service?

Send word out that I am to leave your port at dawn.

When the Dragoon stole my briefcase,

he did so believing that I had something worth stealing.

When he hears I am to be gone by morning,

he will have no choice but to try again ce soir.

My men and I will be ready.

And who knows,

perhaps I can ensnare the enchanting Emilia as well.

Emilia?

What do you want with her?

Every little thing she has to offer.

There we go. A little something to put us in the mood.

Okay, the first thing you gotta do is show a little leg.

Ever seen gams like these?

(WHISTLING)

That's supposed to be sexy?

Well, you'll wax first.

I'm doing my best to take you seriously. I expect the same courtesy.

All right. Okay.

Try this.

Hey, big boy. Is that a baguette in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Well, come on. You said you were gonna take me seriously.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Please continue.

All right.

Secret blow. Come on.

Dare I ask what that is?

Face that way.

Ready?

(BLOWING)

What was that?

(JACK LAUGHING)

You didn't feel a little tingle? Huh?

A little tiny subconscious jolt to the subcockles of your heart?

Oh, please. Your seedy tactics would never work on Mr. Martin.

He's a gentleman.

Oh, you know what? Someone's got a crush.

How very like you to mistake respect for open affection.

He may work for the wrong side, but he's still a decent and honorable man.

He's a guy. The only honor he's interested in is jumping "on her."

I must be daft to look to you for advice on matters of seduction.

It's an art, Jack, not a contact sport.

Emilia, wait.

You're right.

The truth is I don't know how to act around you.

When I first came here, I didn't think I could work with a woman

until I realized the woman I work with is the best agent I've ever known.

And as hard as it is for me to say this,

the thought of you seducing Martin

makes me jealous.

I wouldn't wanna lose you to someone who's twice the man I'll never be.

Emilia.

Yes, Jack.

It's your turn.

Come again?

To seduce me.

You know, to say the things you think I wanna hear, like what I've been doing to you.

Well, aren't you quite the thespian.

Oh.

You were buying that?

Hey, look, I didn't mean to give you the wrong... Don't be ridiculous.

I was delivering the same caliber performance as you.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have...

Got to get ready.

Huh.

Bonsoir.

I have guards posted throughout the mansion.

If the Dragoon strikes as you say, there will be no escape.

Oh, he will make an appearance. His last.

A splendid party, is it not, gentlemen?

(ALL LAUGHING)

Now it's a party.

But where are my manners?

Monsieur Martin, may I present Monsieur Jacques Stiles.

He is an American.

Really? Tell me, is it true your George Washington has wooden teeth?

Tell me, is it true that Marie Antoinette stuffs her boulder holder?

(LAUGHING)

You know, with...

With the thing in the...

Bonsoir, monsieur.

Well, I hate to cut this conversation short,

but I'm chaperoning the girls cricket team tonight, so you'll pardon me.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

I don't know why I bothered giving you advice. You look beautiful.

You're gonna do just fine.

I'll have him upstairs in 10 minutes. Meet me outside of his room.

Once I get his clothes off, we'll search them for the code.

Madame Emilia, would you care to join me on the verandah for some air?

It's a beautiful night,

and I fear there may be some less than gentlemanly elements at this affair.

No, thanks. It's rather nippy out.

My point exactly.

Emilia, my dear.

Governor.

I could use a drink.

Care to join me, Mr. Martin?

Mademoiselle, the pleasure would be all mine.

Voila!

To the woman who is more lovely than the sunset.

What a lovely thing to...

Oh, Mr. Martin!

Oh, look, I've broken your glasses!

I'll pay for those, I assure you, and your shirt!

I've ruined your evening!

Oh, not at all. I can easily go to my room and change.

Would you care to accompany me?

(WOMEN LAUGHING)

So my good buddy, Thomas Jefferson, says,

"Jack, please sign the declaration. You practically wrote it."

And I said, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, T.J.

"Not before my lawyer has a quick look-see first. You know what I mean?"

Here we are.

Lovely.

Mr. Martin, I wanted to reiterate how noble I found your sentiments

on equality the other day.

I'm glad to hear it, my dear.

Now let's see how you find the rest of me.

Oh, my. Perhaps I should return to the party.

But the real party is just about to begin.

(GASPING)

Anyway, that reminds me of the time I...

The time I had to go. Good night.

WOMEN: Oh, no!

Ladies, please. Every man needs a day to replenish his fluids.

Ta-ta!

I obviously had you all wrong.

Well, now's your chance to have me the right way.

Mr. Martin, get a grip!

I would if you would just hold still.

(JACK LAUGHING)

(GROANING)

A-ha!

Oh, ma chérie, would you like to start with an appetizer,

or would you like to go straight to the main course?

Wait. I've got a better idea.

(EXCLAIMING)

A romantic bath, huh?

Oh, but you have to get it started.

And lots of bubbles. I'm shy.

(SINGING IN FRENCH)

The tub is filling up, my little crepe suzette!

Oh! I cannot wait for long.

This is gonna hurt me a lot more than it's gonna hurt you.

Shouldn't I meet your parents first?

He's in the bathroom, but I have his clothes.

I don't understand. It's not here.

That is it. I have waited long enough!

I'd say we've found the code.

Look at the size of that thing. Must be its own zip code.

The Dragoon!

Stand back, Emilia. I'll take care of this!

No, no, please, don't shoot.

Don't worry, Mr. Martin. I'll save you.

Make it look good.

BROGARD: In here! Vite!

Sacré bleu!

Gesundheit.

Kill him.

Don't worry, Emilia. I got you covered.

Au revoir, Dragoon.

Have you lost weight?

(SCREAMING)

Over there. Get him.

Oh, this is going to take forever.

I got him! I got him!

Come in.

My hat!

Pardon.

Oh, sneaking up on me, eh?

Hey, you're pretty good, but not good enough.

(GROANING)

(GIGGLING)

All right, who threw that?

Now, I have you.

You know, this is the part of the job I enjoy the most. The killing.

Jack, Jack, it's me. It's me.

Lead the way, sister.

(GRUNTING)

Hey, the heck is that?

It's a gift from one of the artists we saved.

Thanks to our little decoding, everyone on the hit list is safe.

Oh, great. Now who's gonna protect us from their art?

Oh, thanks.

By the way, you scrubbed up pretty well tonight.

And you were right, Jack. Martin was no gentleman at all.

I was right about something else, too.

You are the best agent I've ever worked with.

Remember when we were just practicing earlier?

I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

The truth is, Jack,

when you said what you said,

my heart skipped a beat.

It did?

I've played the part of a proper English lady all my life.

I didn't realize how suffocated I felt

until I met you.

You didn't?

I want to let go, Jack.

You do?

I want you to give me a tour of life's sensual pleasures.

All aboard, baby!

And Jack?

Yeah.

Now we're even.

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