Original subtitles

�

�

�

Right, of course

That's so cool, Yeah,

I'm a huge fan, I, ,,

Me too,

I'm always telling people

"Deal with your shit or your

�

"If you don't bring forth

"what you don't bring forth, ,,

BOTH: "Will destroy you,"

�

I just came up with it

�

�

And I'm sorry for people

to do really, ,,

�

People do the best they can

That's how I see it,

�

�

�

some rapid�

�

�

The NFL,

�

�

�

Come on, Brady?

�

He just looks incredible,

�

of police brutality,

Of course,

you know what?

What a beautiful way

It's really, really great,

Um, ,,are you still doing

�

�

[mysterious music]

It's new,

[laughter]

I'll have turkey and Swiss, ,,

on flatbread,

Sorry,

so what do you think

with healthcare?

�

Right?

�

if you're poor, they let you

I mean, ,,

what a great way

Not!

That's "Wayne's World,"

�

�

�

so early '90s, late '90s�

it all just seems

�

As a matter of fact,

"Where's the beef?"

or, "Yas, queen!"

�

�

�

�

Okay, Abortion,

�

But that's just me,

I'm also against the squashing

so whether or not

or kill an animal

that's up to the individual,

But I could never harm

�

You ordered turkey,

[scattered laughs]

�

�

Um, ,,

I don't care,

maybe not the last one,

When people offer up,

thoughts and prayers, ,,

It just, ,,it, ,,

I have to say,

Because a prayer

But it starts with

so you're acting like you're

�

�

Second of all,

Six seconds?

Would it kill you

Call Congress,

�

�

�

I'm just, ,,

�

�

�

And you're special,

and you're special,

takes it away,

And you're special,

and you're special,

The two of you are special,

�

�

[laughter]

�

and I'm sorry

in "the Messiah" way,

�

�

�

It's the same thing as Netflix,

You have Netflix, right?

�

It's an app

�

which is an app

�

BOTH: Not!

�

Sarah, ,,

[both chuckling]

�

�

�

�

[laughter]

�

[comical end notes]

[cheers and applause]

[Psychic Friend's

? ?

MAN: ? Shave it off,

? Show us how to conquer first

CHORUS: ? Don't know if we're

? Used to staying weak ?

? And now we're

? We don't wanna go

? Lonely as the day is long,

? ?

MARK:

Sarah Silverman!

[cheers and applause]

�

Hello!

There it is,

Oh, I'm so happy you're here,

This is the perfect

just the way it is,

And hello to you at home,

And I'm glad to have our

back at his post,

Mather,

�

[both chuckle]

�

�

[laughter]

Right, Thank you,

Good to have you back,

Um, hey, ,,

it's Christmastime,

which happens, ,,

Happy birthday, Jesus,

[cheers and applause]

It's also, uh, it's also

as our fearful leader

�

that people

They don't use the word

'cause it's not

Well, guess what,

We're saying

[audience whooping]

�

since 348 days ago?

Again since

I, ,,I don't understand,

I really am trying to be

and do my best to find

but I have to call

on this War on Christmas stuff,

For those of you who are new

the War on Christmas, ,,

the War on Christmas

invented by

like Fox News and

to usher people toward

to hate Jews

or any non�

and therefore

I squeaked on that,

Sorry, I have a little cold,

so I'm sounding a little bit

[laughter]

Okay, let's break down

And to my friends

and the

and Newsbusters

and all the real news

covering this

[laughter]

When you write your

on my monologue, gluing

that fit your narrative,

What is it about Christmas

that you think that Jews hate?

The, ,,the no traffic?

[laughter]

the gorgeous lights

and the houses

The carolers?

Do you think we hate

I�

[laughter]

[applause]

You're really muddying

Like, so now it's the greedy

that hates making money?

I�

What else do the Jews hate

Is it the empty movie theaters

and myriad Chinese food

Is it the royalty checks

You know, um, ,,

You know all the classic

Jews wrote them,

Okay, be honest, Sarah,

Not all of them,

"Winter Wonderland"

and "Silver Bells,"

And "Rudolph the Red�

And, oh, "I'll Be Home

and "White Christmas,"

and "Most Wonderful

and "The Christmas Song,"

That's, ,,Oh, and "You're

and "Holly Jolly Christmas"

and "Rockin' Around

and "Little Drummer Boy,"

Just kidding,

[applause]

Christmas songs

Like, I could write one

off the top of my

? Tinsel falling off ?

? The branches of the tree ?

? Christmas trees

? A piano plays ?

? A Christmas song ?

? While the tree is there ?

? Decorated with spangles ?

? And ornaments around ?

? On the tree ?

? With an angel on the top ?

? Of the tree ?

? And underneath the tree ?

? Are presents ?

? Presents for the kids ?

? Presents for Ma and Pa ?

? And underneath the tree

[laughter, applause]

? It's trees

? Trees forever ?

? Trees for Mather ?

? Trees! ?

I just pulled that literally

I could have kept going,

[cheers and applause]

I'm gonna call that

Every year�

I really could have

[laughter]

Every year, there is

that is trotted out

to support their

which leads us to the saga

First it was just plain red,

which is apparently a total

Then they had like

which made them very angry

no specific to Christmas

[laughter]

I'm really�

What do you need?

Really, I want to do anything,

Like a bleeding Jesus

maybe close�

I�

Guys, it's�

It's the stuff that you drink

to make yourself shit

So anyway, this year,

and decorated the cup with

And they even doubled down

uh, Christmas Tree Frappuccino,

And you wanna know

It's fucking delicious,

And like a Christmas miracle,

they still found a new thing

in the form

[laughter]

Hey, loud, homophobic,

wildly unJesus�

hate�

you're bumming everybody out,

Especially, I would imagine,

the majority of Christians

I grew up in a Christian town

My friends were Christian,

and most of

are really about love

and are wildly comfortable

with hands of

Like, when did companies

become the nation's

I, ,,Like when did people

"You know,

"Starbucks' message

"but I still take the kids

for the community of it,"

Starbucks is not church,

The only thing Starbucks

is they both let people

take dumps in their bathrooms,

[applause]

But there's never

when a coffee cup

has prevented anyone

from celebrating Christmas

even Starbucks,

And here's a fun fact:

Starbucks founder

[whispers]

[laughter]

So, to recap,

you're mad that the Jew�

isn't Christmassy enough,

Which also begs the question,

why are their bagels

[laughter, applause]

Oh!

Look, it doesn't

to include other people

It's actually a pretty

My friend Todd Glass

Take a look,

�

I went to about

and every single store

I said, "Merry Christmas,"

And all but two times,

they said Merry Christmas

Two times,

But not one, ,,

not one�

Oh, I'm gettin' angry,

Not one said, "Oh, I'm sorry,"

you can't say

So the argument

and you can still have

I just think

and it sounds like I'm being

I just want you to be able

And I think what

'cause we've established

But what you're saying is

"Okay, I guess I know

but I want the stores

And that's not, ,,

that's actually

You sound like a little bit

I mean, I said

but there's nothing wrong

That would be like

listen to me out here�

and had an employee, and every

he said, "Hi, Glen,"

"Hi, Glen," and you know what?

Not everybody's name was Glen,

Hence, not everybody

But most people are like,

At least he's friendly,

So what's the problem?

the store owner goes,

"I love that you're saying

"but everyone's name

"Why don't you just say hi?

That includes everybody,"

And you go, "Oh, my God,

There's a war on Glen!"

There's no war on Glen!

If you see Glen,

That's not yelling,

That's, uh, comedic, ,,

Look it up,

[laughter]

I just wanna say Merry Fucking

There ya go,

You won,

Play Christmas music

Put some Christmas lights

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

[theme music plays]

[cheers and applause]

�

Look, Mather, should we

�

Yeah!

[laughter]

�

�

�

People first, ,,

m'lady,

Thank you,

�

It's tiny Sarahs,

And there's me, and there's me,

there's me, there's me,

You're special, you're special,

you're special,

Oh, my gosh,

Here we go,

[soft, thoughtful piano]

MATHER'S VOICE: Sarah,

how much you have

You are my North Star,

When I was aimlessly wandering,

you gave me a compass

You didn't have to,

And I will follow

[mouthing words]

I wish you the deepest

and most loving

Your friend, Mather,

[piano abruptly cuts off]

Fred Rogers?

�

I know you're a big fan,

"If it's mentionable,

�

I'm speechless!

[applause]

�

�

And now, it's, ,,

my turn!

Oh, you're gonna�

I'm so excited for you

You're gonna love it,

[laughter]

�

�

SARAH'S VOICE:

[laughter]

�

And you did not wear it out,

[laughter]

�

�

Oh, ,,

like if you travel, ,,

�

and fold it up

�

�

Two great gifts,

Well, gifts are great,

but Christmas

and shopping and stuff,

We have to remember what

America,

So let's learn a little more

from America expert

[rousing music]

�

Whoo!

I'm Kate Berlant,

and I'm a certified

I've given lectures

but my main passion

so much so

Oh, there she is,

Today I'm in Washington, D, C, ,

to share this unforgettable

You'll never look at America

All right, who's excited?

Here we are,

All right,

The monument was erected

our 16th president,

there was a 17th president,

Now, it was built in 1922,

That was the national attempt

to make day night

Had it been passed,

we'd be in the middle

and it would be illegal

[laughter]

My ex�

used to be about

I used to go visit him

Why don't we go on down

18 inches of pure hell,

That water right there

It's home to over 46 species

Scenes from "Veep,"

"House Hunters"

In fact, this was

I was an extra

I was just a baby back then,

but if you blink twice

it's the third scene

you'll notice me

A lotta businessmen

crack open a Sam Adams

try to drink their troubles

It's not that easy,

If you look at that kind of

that's where I met

He came over to me, and we

11 years later,

Are there any questions?

�

�

[laughter]

The American flag was actually

initially red, white,

but then last minute,

"What about blue?"

flipped the whole script,

so always speak up in class,

All right, off the bus,

Thank you for not leaving,

Thanks for not leaving,

Thank you for staying

Is everyone off?

Okay, everyone's off,

I know what you're thinking,

"Okay? Another one?

More columns?"

Well, no, This is actually

believe it or not,

The Jefferson Monument�

And�

[ringing]

So rude,

Hi, I can't talk ri�

What? The Jefferson Monument

[laughter]

Thomas Jefferson's real name

The folks thought it wasn't

so they changed it

I personally call him Chiefer,

We don't know too much

You know, who really cares?

[laughs]

He was, ,,French,

No, that can't be right,

[laughter]

the very end,

I can see some people

knowing that

Okay, everybody,

the Washington Monument,

Get ready for some very

This structure was erected

There was a national capital�

Okay�

[laughter]

Sorry,

Oh, it's okay,

Thank you,

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

�

That was Kate,

She is so weird

I�

Sorry,

Kate?

Wow, Okay, there you go,

[theme music plays]

? ?

�

? ?

[theme music plays]

[cheers and applause]

�

and author of

"Hunger," "Difficult Women,"

She's also pretty much

that ever happened

Please welcome

[cheers and applause]

Your writing is so�

let me start�

�

that Doug Jones won Alabama,

[cheers and applause]

Which is, uh, ,,

�

A little sad for me

I was Roy Moore's

[laughter]

�

�

How did�

What happened?

I'm thrilled,

That's how it happened,

[cheers and applause]

�

�

than for the presidential

Black women voted for

�

�

�

voter, but, ,,

I'm sure not,

but I also think

because it was 50�

�

�

And please go out and read all

That's Roxane with one N,

In "Hungry,"

talking about

of surviving rape

At what point did you decide

�

my agent and I were talking

"Let's sell a book before

"in case it flops, ,,

"So that I can, you know,

at least have a second

And I thought, "What do

And the thing I wanted to write

I just thought, "Oh, I really

And that's when I know,

I have to write that book,

�

�

balls, vagina, ,,

�

�

just sometimes

And so I realized,

that this was the book

and to write about fatness,

being gang�

Yeah, it wasn't great,

And, ,,[chuckles]

It's fine, I'm 43,

I gained a lot of weight

because I just thought,

"they won't hurt me again,

defend myself, or they won't

And then it kind of

And so I wanted to write

�

this nationwide

rape culture

And in my opinion,

at the forefront of that,

And, uh, ,,

why do you think

this is a national

Right now?

I think women

Like enough, We've been

Our mothers dealt with it,

And we see so many

because of their mediocrity

and sometimes it's time

"These are the things

"and these smug fuckers

reaping the benefits

and it's wonderful to see,

[applause]

[cheering]

�

until men change,

What would you say to men who

�

When you're hanging out

and they make degrading

which is not to say

We all talk about sex,

We talk so much shit,

It's my favorite thing to do,

But I think you know

when your buds are, like,

it's time to start

And when you hear stories

call them on it,

This is not a story

by, you know,

which I thought was great,

But we don't have to tell

You know our stories,

to just grow the fuck up

that, no, you can't

It's just�

[laughter]

[applause]

�

awful times,

�

A�

�

[laughter]

�

�

"I could have done this,

but I was tired,"

�

we're being rope�

�

there are like 100 news stories

when there used to be like 10,

and now it's just

And things that would normally

are on the 23rd page

because so much batshit

since 5:00 a, m,

and decided to use his fat

I don't use fat

It's just a fact,

And, um, ,,

[stammers]

and it's hard to believe

a way out of this,

to feel hopeful

But, at the same time, ,,

�

You know, I do feel hope,

and I do that because, ,,

life is long,

and, ,,

�

They just can't last

thank goodness,

I just think that

since Trump was elected

has been really encouraging,

I've been really surprised

because I was so stunned

and so disappointed

that I couldn't believe

But we have, and, ,,

�

a lot of great writing,

which is, ,,so shallow,

�

one wish�

or Channing Tatum

�

I shouldn't have to

�

�

�

I'll go with world peace,

�

[applause]

I know that you're

�

�

�

open it up, and you have to

�

�

Oh!

[laughing]

�

It's what I want,

�

�

and one of the writers

Diona Reasonover saw it,

and she's laid up

and while she's been

she made you a nose mitten,

�

Wow!

[applause]

�

I can't�

You don't have to try it on,

�

�

[giggling]

The thing is,

[cheers and applause]

�

Okay,

Thank you so much, Roxane,

�

That is our show,

I hope you all have

and most importantly,

a Merry Christmas,

[cheers and applause]

Hey, Jesus,

I got you a birthday present,

�

Classic,

Oh, wow!

[fart]

It sounds like a human fart,

Human fart? Why? What does

�

�

Oh, my�

[gags]

Oh, my God, that's awful,

�

salmon and shit!

Well, I got you a present,

�

�

�

�

Noice!

Hey!

�

�

It's great for travel,

�

[heavenly choir]

That was my chair,

Good night, America,

[cheers and applause]

[theme music plays]

? ?

MAN: [vocalizing]

? ?

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0