Original subtitles

- Tonight on the show, it's Thanksgiving,

so all the Silverman sisters are in LA.

Can you believe it? Sisters are the best thing

because sisters are people that you can go like, uh,

what is this? Is this something?

Do I need to worry about this? - Looks fine to me.

- I've had that before. - Really?

- Yeah. It's normal. - I don't know.

I-it looks like something.

Yeah, no. You have it on the other side.

Totally normal.

- Phew! Doctor avoided.

? Shave it off, stay alive, open wide ?

? Show us how to conquer first and then divide ?

? Don't know if we're stayin' long, stayin' long ?

? Used to staying weak ?

? And now we're staying strong ?

? We don't wanna go where we do not belong ?

? Lonely as the day is long, day is long ?

Hey, it's my buddy and yours,

Sarah Silverman!

- Hello, hello!

Hi.

Hi, everyone at home.

You guys, it's officially Thanksgiving.

Gobble, gobble.

All jokes aside, I love Thanksgiving.

I love Thanksgiving because it's about family.

And, as we all know, it's also the annual holiday

observed to celebrate the very first dinner

between the Pilgrims and the Native Americans

they fucked over.

Which is actually what it was called

before it was called Thanksgiving.

It just became too much to say, like,

"Happy very first dinner between the pilgrims

and the Native Americans they fucked over."

It was too wordy.

So now we just call it Thanksgiving.

I know we don't like to think about it,

but the truth is that this is a nation

built on genocide and racism.

And dirt. Um... but, yeah.

Mostly genocide and racism.

And love. And freedom.

But... but, yeah, mostly genocide and racism.

I have good news, though.

Our problematic history doesn't have to ruin Thanksgiving.

You can still enjoy this day.

Thanksgiving should be whatever you make it.

You know, for me, it's, uh, it's about friendship

and love and family and being together.

For homeless people,

Thanksgiving is the day rich people give them soup.

Just a side note, uh... they have enough people

volunteering over Thanksgiving and Christmas.

They actually really need you any other day.

I'm just saying let's be mindful

of the roots of this Thanksgiving day, you know?

And when I say mindful,

I'm not just talking about yoga and meditation.

I'm also talking about pilates and soul cycle.

No, mindfulness just means being aware...

being aware that other people exist

and may not be coming from the same place as you

and being considerate of that, you know.

For people who are rolling their eyes right now

because it's new and it sounds very liberal bubbly,

all mindfulness is is like, uh,

if someone pulled you aside at a party and said,

"Hey, Nancy's son was killed in Afghanistan,"

then you'll know not to go up to Nancy and say,

"Hey, Nancy! You know what I love?

All my alive children."

Even intended compliments can be shitty

if they lack mindfulness, you know.

"Sarah, I love that you don't care how you look,"

or, uh...

I get that one a lot.

Or, "Sarah, you're my favorite female comedian."

or, "Nancy, your dead son looks so good in a suit."

Too soon? Since the made-up story about Nancy

doesn't exist?

Look, I'm not the Queen of being mindful, obviously.

I fuck that shit up daily. I, uh...

Like I follow this guy Imraan Siddiqi on Twitter.

He's great. And a few months ago,

he retweeted this with the caption:

He was talking about Whole Foods

selling turmeric lattes for $15,

and in response, I tweeted:

Fortunately for me, someone immediately replied

Right. Uh...

I thought he was commenting on the price,

but my latte-based math exercise

totally missed the point.

It was about cultural appropriation

and a white repackaging

of something that already exists.

Also, Whole Foods should just stick to strictly Anglo foods

like sriracha chicken and chipotle wasabi.

I'm just saying, you know, if you're gonna wear braids,

be mindful of where they come from culturally.

Bo Derek from "10", right?

So go ahead and appreciate the food and the braids

and the music of a people,

but while you're at it, appreciate the people.

And when in doubt, you can ask for help.

Just like when I ask Raj, our writer of Indian descent,

if it's pronoun... Raj, is it...

turmeric or "tumeric"...

- Fuck if I know. You can look it up on Bing.

- I will. I'll look it up on Bing.

Uh... the search engine?

- Yeah. One of the top two search engines in the world.

- One of the top two?

- Yeah. - That definitely makes it

number two, right?

- You can interpret it however you want.

It's sort of like the Powerade of search engines.

- Right.

- I'm gonna keep all of this

in mind. Thank you.

Raj Desai... one of my favorite male writers.

Okay, like I said earlier,

Thanksgiving is about being with family and friends,

and I'm missing one friend tonight.

I don't know if you noticed, but Mather,

our White Man At A Desk,

hasn't been here the past few weeks.

We had a falling out about... I was...

He didn't... Ughh.

I don't know how to download you on everything.

Why don't we just... Can we have one of those

"previously on" montages like they have on "Grey's Anatomy"?

Like... Allan, can we do that?

Previously on "Grey's Anatomy"...

I mean, shit, fuck... "I Love You, America"...

This is Mather.

We go to Mather if this show gets to be a little much,

and we need that reassuring comfort

of a traditional late-night talk show host.

- Uh... taxi!

- It's like I never just said floppy pussy lips.

- Check, please! Ha ha.

- Oh, Mather, you're not too much.

- Ahem! - Oh, my God, Mather!

- I just feel like we haven't cut to me in a while...

- No! You're right. I'm sorry!

You were my training wheels,

and I guess I've learned how to ride a bike.

- I'm glad I could help you make me irrelevant.

- I can't remember... Do training wheels look at you

like you're a fucking asshole?

- What do you want from me? - I want you to be

the fun element to this show

like you were intended. - Let's roll the clip.

- That was really good. - Yeah. I'm a professional.

- Mather, what do you got?

- Ha ha. Well, I got a super-hard dick

after listening to that monologue.

- You should maybe take the rest of the day off.

- Gladly. Coming up next,

more of this dumb bitch!

Um, so that just happened.

So...

so now we're all caught up and in the same place

wondering where Mather is,

but, you know, I mean, he's a white male.

I'm sure he's doing fine. He's... he's...

He's probably doing great.

- Shit, dude.

You look lost.

You know, I used to have a female boss.

You mind if I sit down?

Look, it wasn't your fault, man... it was hers.

That bitch is getting famous off of your blood and sweat.

And what do you get? Marginalized?

Disrespected? Judged? For what?

For asserting yourself?

That skank doesn't want you to succeed

because she's threatened by you.

- I don't know.

It's probably both our faults.

- That's exactly how she wants you to feel, man.

I'm...

I mean, I know it's basically illegal for me to say this now,

but sometimes women can be wrong.

Oh, no, don't arrest me!

Don't call the gender crimes unit!

You fucking made her, man! And how did she repay you?

- Told me to take the day off and think about what I said.

- You were the fucking nucleus

of that show, man!

If you wanna let that go unanswered, man, that's cool.

If not, I'm meeting up with some friends tonight

at the Panera Bread in Mission Hills.

You should come.

I think you'll like what they have to say.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Fuck, yeah! - Mm-hmm.

- I'll be there.

- Kiss me.

- Hey, man.

You okay?

- Speak English, or go back to Mexico!

- 50 years ago, my dad moved from India to Chicago

to pursue the American dream.

Fuck, shit... that's not me. That's my friend Ravi Patel.

Yes. Ravi went back to Chicago

to reflect on his family's journey to America.

Take a look.

- Hey, my name is Ravi Patel.

I'm here with my best friend... Well, top three, maybe.

I don't wanna give a commit to that.

- This is Rishi. - Hey.

- 50 years ago today,

our dads landed in Chicago from India

to start a new life, with very little money,

chasing the American dream.

And today we're gonna retrace the steps

of their first days here.

- And we're rolling. - It's on?

- It's on, baby. - This is like a home video.

- We wanna take a picture.

We wanna take a picture.

Taking a picture here, right?

Oh, man, Ravi. Thank you.

It's gonna be a good time, right?

Okay, do you guys recognize this building?

So you land at the Greyhound Bus Station.

- Was this an Indian guy that just came up to you?

- This was an Indian guy, yeah. - Why did you get in the car

- with that strange person? - A stranger?

- Yeah.

- It was a comfort, yes.

You know?

- Wait, what was your first car?

- Wait... is that the car that's in that picture?

- It's a red car? - Oh, yeah, Firebird.

- Yeah. - So you guys got, like,

cool cars for your first cars.

- Dude, hold on, the pictures I've seen of you,

- Yeah. - You had a pipe,

- sideburns... - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You knew what you were puttin' out there.

You knew what you were doin', man.

- You know where Ravi went? - No.

Hey, guys...

Oh... Oh, my God!

How about that? That is a Firebird!

- You guys need a ride? - Oh ho ho!

- Thataboy. - Oh, my...

What a surprise.

- Oh, my God! - Whoo!

What do you think? Surprised?

Absolutely, yeah. - Ha ha ha ha ha!

- Should we put the top... Let's put the top up.

Oh, my God, it's freezing.

Which way am I going?

- I don't know. - Wait, where's Ontario?

Should I go straight? - We are going straight.

So our dads had another good friend named Rajni

that they cruised around town with.

He's since passed away, but we decided to surprise them

by picking up his son BJ in the Little India of Chicago.

Oh, my God!

Hey, how are you?

- Good to see you too. - Yeah.

- We talked about your dad a lot today.

What?

- Wait... what?

Your dad opened a porn bookstore?

- I mean, I know that he was involved with this.

He told me the story. - He said he wasn't involved.

Wait... you guys owned it too?

- He's lying!

Bold-faced lying right now!

- Look at us tearing up Brown Town

like it's Bourbon Street.

I'm on it, I'm on it.

This thing drives like a boat, man.

Yeah. Your dad sounded like

the coolest leader of the pack.

Thanks, man.

Thanks. What the hell?

Oh, my God!

Wait, wait, wait. Are we at your old place?

Yeah, right there, right there.

- Which one? - This, this across here.

"I barely recognized it!"

Which one is it, Dad?

Yeah, we get it.

The fence is... RISHI: Let's go to

apartment 2B.

They were seeing their old apartment

- for the first time in decades. - Yeah.

I was seeing it for the first time ever,

and it actually seemed kinda nice.

- This is big. - I was thinking

that you guys were, like, squatting in a one-room shack.

- It's funny, because the way that stories were told

don't always reflect the space. - The stories of, like,

30 guys sleeping on top of each other.

Yeah, it sounds as if there was

- some more suffering involved. - Yeah.

I'm starting to think that life wasn't nearly as hard

as you guys actually made it out to be.

- Dad, what's the most amount

- of guys you put in the bathtub? - Yeah, look at this.

- You guys all had to take baths together?

- PRATHAB: That's right.

Uh-huh.

That's how it was growing up

whenever we had more...

At one time, how many people lived here?

- "Legally three." - "Legally three."

- There was another time that, apparently,

there was a video being watched in this apartment?

- Here.

Here it comes.

'Cause they had kids. - Yeah.

- I think it's like such a beautiful story.

I think all of you guys have incredible stories,

you know, borrowing money, and Dad said

when he left the village, you got a whole procession.

- I think that's inherent in being an immigrant.

You have to be a huge risk-taker

to just be willing to move to a completely different country.

- How do you define success today?

- Yeah.

One of my fears right now

is that I feel like I'm not enjoying every day of my life

because I'm so concerned with achieving things.

- Do you guys have... Like, what's your biggest fear right now?

- Yeah. - 'Cause...

Back then, what did you guys do for fun?

- This is beautiful. - This is beautiful.

Huh? Oh...

Just like the good old days!

Clumsy!

- Oh, yes!

- Just, uh, pass one down.

- Oh, ho!

Oh, my God! Ha ha ha ha!

Oh, look who's back.

Still got it!

Oh!

- Okay. - Yep, yep, yep.

- Cheers. - Cheers.

- Oh, that's a good idea!

This is so awesome.

- My next guest is a rabbi, an author,

a mom, and a big sister to me.

Please welcome Rabbi Susan Silverman.

- Hi, Susie. - Hi, sweetie.

- This is how we always are. - I know.

On a bed, snugglin',

talkin', shootin' the shit

in front of... millions

or possibly hundreds of people.

And here I am. I'm so happy that you're here.

My third favorite sister, you guys.

We grew up with no religion.

I don't know if you'd say atheist.

I would say agnostic.

Or, I don't know... How would you say we were raised?

- Well, Mom always said she was agnostic,

like Who knows? The world is big.

And Daddy said he's an atheist. I mean, his line was,

"If there's a God, he's an asshole."

So... it's like if anyone wants any tips

on raising a rabbi.

- You went to B.U. You went to Harvard.

Lah-dee-dah. She's so embarrassed.

Why are Harvard people always embarrassed

they went to Harvard? I'd be like,

"Anyway, at Harvard... I'll have two hot dogs, please."

Um... and then you decided

all of a sudden you were gonna be...

You were gonna go to rabbinical school,

- and Dad said what? - He said,

"A rabbi? When we found out you were Jewish,

we sat shiva!"

- Google it if you don't understand that.

But... I don't know what it is that ties me to Judaism

other than I'm just Jewy?

But, like, what is it for you?

What is your version of religion?

- So for me it's the... it's the repairing the world,

being God's partner, not being God's...

not being at God's whim or God's...

you know, subservient to God,

but actually being God's partner

and saying, "The way the world is right now"

is completely uncool, and I need to change it."

Like, it's not acceptable, and it's not like,

Oh, this is how God made it.

It's like, no, maybe it is, but it's fucked up,

and we gotta do something about it.

- You talk about... In your book...

about how you're allowed to be angry at God

and you're allowed to get pissed at God

and you're allowed to, you know,

do that shit.

You were arrested three years ago.

Why don't you tell us about it?

Why don't you explain yourself to this audience?

- So, wait, you're talking about the most recent arrest?

- The... yeah. Well, you've been arrested many, many times.

I have been arrested with you. - You were.

- You were like 16? - I was 17.

- 17. - Okay, tell me about

your most recent arrest

in Jerusalem where you live.

- Women of the Wall is

women who go and they pray at the Western Wall,

which is a holy site in Jerusalem.

And the law was that women can't dress in

what is traditionally men's garb,

like a prayer shawl and tefillin,

which is translated as phylacteries,

but if you don't know what tefillin is,

you probably don't know what phylacteries are.

- I don't know what phylacteries are.

- It's that box, like, on your head.

- Oh, that's so stupid. I mean, I respect all religions.

- So if you wore that stuff, you could be arrested,

- and so... - You're a rabbi!

- I know. That makes it worse.

- But not in the eyes of... what?

Israel?

- No. In the eyes of Israel as a state, yes.

But in the eyes of the ultra-orthodox rabbinate

that runs the holy sites, no.

And... - I guess... I was gonna say,

well, why do they run the holy sites,

but that's your whole point. - Exactly.

- Why should that be a law,

their version of Judaism? - That's right.

So when you make any kind of religious interpretation

the civil law, then it becomes...

fascism, essentially.

It becomes a religious fascism.

- Since then... that was three years ago...

what has changed?

- So since then, the courts have been

on our side, very much so,

and now you can't be arrested for any of that.

But there still... It's still a political game.

I mean, the reality is that the ultra-orthodox rabbinate

still runs all the holy sites,

and it's in charge of life cycle events in Israel,

and that's hugely, hugely problematic.

It's anti-democratic, and I think it's anti-Jewish.

- Right.

I remember when I first went to Israel

and people were like, "You're gonna feel so connected,"

and blabbity-blah... And it's like...

And I know it's a special place for you,

and I don't want to shit on that,

but it is funny, because you walk around

and you're like, "This is where Jesus...

wiped his brow, and this is where,"

you know, blah, blah, and you're like,

"Oh, my God!" but at the same time,

there's, like, Doritos... empty Doritos bags

like on the ground, like litter everywhere.

And it's just like... It's so bizarre.

And then when you go to the Western Wall,

or the Wailing Wall, same thing, right?

There's, like, this much space for men

and this much space for women, and you just...

Like, my reaction wasn't "This is amazing."

It was, "Fuck you."

And then you write a little message to put in the wall,

and I put, "No more religion."

I love you, though.

- I love that. - Aw.

I love you for loving that.

Um...

ever since I've known you,

which is my entire life,

since birth,

you've always wanted a big family.

You've always talked about having five kids.

Five kids, five kids, five kids.

And now...

- you have five kids. - Mm-hmm.

And now they're all old.

They're not even cute anymore.

I know.

- But you always wanted a big family,

and you always wanted to adopt.

And it was like a childhood thing,

but it became a very grownup thing.

An adoption became a huge part of your life,

obviously with Adar and Zamir,

who are my nephews, her sons.

But, um... why is adoption important to you?

- There are 400,000 kids in the foster care system.

There are between 8 and 12 million kids

in institutions living outside parental care worldwide.

There are tens of millions of kids on the street.

For many, many of those kids,

the best option for them to have a permanent, loving family

is adoption. Not for all, but for many.

- Kids who... - Could you say

those numbers again?

- Well, between 8 and 12 million kids in institutions,

which is like... really? You don't fucking know

how many kids are in institutions

with technology? You don't fucking know?

- Like a 4 million human child discrepancy.

- Exactly. And we could know.

We just... As a world, we don't care.

We do not prioritize it because they're not voting,

they're not giving money to our organizations.

They're not... You know, screw them.

And then kids who are... come from foster care,

girls who, like, age out of foster care,

they're 82% of sex traffic girls.

Right? Of course.

Because they don't have parents to go back to.

There are literally pimps

waiting outside of institutions on release days,

waiting for the kids to come out.

- When females age out of...

- Or boys, to different kinds of trafficking.

This is what happens, so if we care about homelessness,

we care about poverty, we care about these issues,

let's friggin' stop it.

Let's give these kids permanent loving families

before they age out of the system.

- Don't spoil her.

- - Susie,

thank you so much.

I love you so much. - You're my whole heart.

- You're most of my heart.

You're like 7% of my heart.

- I love you the sky and the moon.

I love you forever. - I love you forever.

- Okay.

Spoon me, Susie.

What a fun show.

Good night, America. I "lurve" you.

- The birth of Susan. I can remember coming home,

and your mother was at the hospital.

And I was jumping up and down on the bed,

so excited to have a daughter.

Little did I know what a pain in the ass she would be.

Yeah, of course I do.

Beth Ann, one of the kids just shit in their pants.

I have three wishes about dying.

Wish number one is I have to die

before any of my children or grandchildren.

Number two, when I do die,

I go, blurp! Dead.

Number three, that'd be a long time from now.

My daughter Laura convinced me to get a tattoo for Janice,

and when I showed it to her I said, "Janice",

"this is one gift that you have to say you love

whether you love it or not."

Can you see it?

All right, if you want me to go on, I have to double my wages.

What's 0 times 2?

Listen, I don't want to just put down Christianity.

There's the people that believe Allah is God.

I always say to them, "Allah be praised."

"Allah be merciful."

I'lla be ? Down to get you in the taxi, honey ?

? Better be ready by half past eight ?

? Now, honey don't be late ?

? I wanna be there when the band starts playing ?

? Remember when... To do that two-step, honey ?

? Two-step, we're gonna have a ball ?

? Gonna dance off both our shoes ?

? When they play those jelly roll blues ?

? Tomorrow night at the darktown strutter's ?

? B-A-double-L ball ?

? Sung by the whorehouse quar-tet ?

? You got a big one, I bet ?

-

- Oh, my God!

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