Original subtitles

? Shave it off, stay alive, open wide ?

? Show us how to conquer first and then divide ?

? Don't know if we're stayin' long, stayin' long ?

? Used to staying weak ?

? And now we're staying strong ?

? We don't wanna go where we do not belong ?

? Lonely as the day is long, day is long ?

Hey, it's my bubby and yours,

Sarah Silverman!

- Oh, my God, this is crazy!

Oh... shit!

A studio audience. This is so perfect!

I'm about to literally just do a TV show right now.

This is great. I can tell you about

my favorite Mr. Rogers quote.

So Mr. Rogers has this quote, and I've always loved it.

He said, "If it's mentionable, it's manageable."

Now, for Mr. Rogers, he was probably talking about

how kids should feel they can talk through tough issues

like, you know, the first day of school

or feeling sad

or the moral bankruptcy

of laundering money for Russian oligarchs

in pursuit of political gain.

But basically, if it's mentionable, it's manageable

means... talk about the hard stuff.

I had no doubt that being a bed-wetter in my teens

was going to be my biggest secret,

my greatest humiliation, my hugest shame.

It made my childhood torture,

and it wasn't until I got older

that I just talked about it.

And now I'm making money

by talking about it on a TV show--

oh, my God, just like that fucking opportunist Mr. Rogers!

Thank you.

But he was right about so many things,

and he taught me that there isn't anything in the world

too big to deal with,

as long as you're brave enough to say it out loud.

Okay. So I'm just gonna take the last thing

still taboo in my life

and say it right out loud to all of you,

vulnerable as pie.

My personal masturbation style.

Okay. First...

I look up porn on my phone

and, uh, I set it against my glass of water

on my night table.

And I'm on my stomach-- okay.

When you see a woman masturbating in porn,

she's always on her back, all sexy,

like she's having the gentlest daydream.

That's not how it is. That's fake news.

It's on the stomach.

And it's work. It takes elbow grease.

Okay, so I'm on my stomach,

and my glasses-- I need glasses to read.

And my glasses are... they're progressives,

so I need to-- I wear them upside down

to see the porn.

And that is when I started putting electrical tape

over the camera lens hole thing

because, honestly, even hackers don't deserve to see this.

Now, my search words had always been--

and, first, let me just say that

none of these search words are things

I would want to happen in real life, ever.

I mean, like at all. It's just...

the heart wants what it wants.

A great man once said, uh...

who married his daughter.

But, um...

so my search words had always been

"gang bang, amateur, cum" --

It's crazy that you have to ask for cum in porn.

Doesn't it seem like it would be a given?

It's not. You have to ask for it.

And then there's a fourth one. Oh, high fives.

And here's the thing, so...

my niece has now ruined porn for me

because she's in her 20s and that's like the age

that these girls in my gang-bang porn are.

And I'm calling bullshit on myself for this right now,

because I am acting like one of those guys

who's like, "I have a sister, I have a daughter."

So I'm for women's rights." And women are like,

"Even if you didn't have a sister or a daughter,

"you should be for women's rights

just because we, like, also exist."

But, um...

No, but I'm one of those guys

because it shouldn't have taken me

my niece becoming 20

for me to be put off by the sight of a girl

who's probably on drugs so she can stomach nine anal sexes.

Is that too sad?

I know, I...

I thought the turn of phrase would balance it out,

like "nine anal sexes." There's something, like,

messy and adorable about it, but I may have over-reached.

Anyway...

now--I'm sorry I'm itching my nose,

but it's just natural. I had an itch there.

So now...

So now I'm happy to announce

that I have all new search words--

victimless crime search words. I really do. Okay.

And they are: "guy fucks mattress, verbal."

Now... this is what this is.

A lot of times it is just a guy fucking his mattress,

like a hands-free fucking of his mattress.

And that's fine. I do enjoy that.

But more often, it's like...

a guy who's fucking a pocket pussy,

which is just what it sounds like--

it's a disembodied vagina,

and he has--like, he's wedged said pocket pussy

between the mattress and the box spring.

And I feel like if I had a penis,

I would love this so much,

because it sound-- like, he's fucking it,

and it sounds like it feels so good.

It's like--

I mean, I can't...

I know, I... I'm not good at impressions,

but it sounds so, like, suction-y, like...

Oh, and the "verbal" part of my search words

is like just really dominant, aggressive,

demeaning dirty talk.

So he's like, he's fucking the pocket pussy,

and he's like, "Yeah, you want it, you fucking whore!"

And it's just--it's so great because it's so vulnerable

because he's by himself, you know?

And there is not really a person there.

And I don't know why, but I love it.

I just...

I don't even know who I am in this scenario.

Like, I don't even know who I am in the fantasy of this.

Like, am I the guy? Am I the pocket pussy?

I have no idea, but it just does it for me.

Also...

I don't know if pocket pussy

is like a trademark...

but they must have a monopoly over this stuff,

because in all of these videos,

like all eight of them-- it's very niche--

the pocket pussies are like wrapped in...

or like somewhere in the frame

comes with a royal blue blanket.

I don't have an explanation. It's weird.

I mean, it's like the CEO of Pocket Pussy must be like,

"We can't send these out without a blanket!"

But I don't understand the reasoning behind it.

And also the pocket pussy has a, um...

I'm noticing my own diction, and I'm very--

I have very good diction,

and that's because of my mom,

but it is funny that my diction

is coming out of saying pocket pussy.

Somewhere--she's like in outer space somewhere

going, like, "Thank you."

The pocket pussies have like a, um...

a clitoris on it...

which I can't really figure out why, I mean...

I can only think it's like so you know which way is up.

But they... when they're fucking it,

they'll like massage it like it's for her pleasure,

like, "Oh, yeah you like that?"

And I feel like...

I feel like it forms like bad habits

because they're holding...

like they're getting leverage from the back,

and there is no back in real life.

It's inside of us.

That sounds so beautiful. It is inside of us.

So in summation, I would just like to say

I masturbate on my stomach with my glasses on upside down,

and I'm pretty sure...

in fact, I'm positive that's what Mr. Rogers meant

by "if it's mentionable, it's manageable."

Thank you.

The end.

I feel so cleansed, but you may feel dirty.

So let's go to the White Man At A Desk

to clean things up. Mather, what do you got?

- Oh! Now you need me.

- Okay, I-- MATHER: Because last week

you didn't think you needed me. - Mather!

- Okay, okay. Set me up again.

- Thank you!

Okay. Wow, I feel cleansed, but you may feel dirty,

so let's go to the White Man At A Desk

to clean things up. Mather, what do you got?

- Well, I got a super hard dick

after listening to that monologue.

And, uh, and not because you're hot.

Just because the whole monologue was masturbatory.

And by that, I mean self-indulgent.

Not because you're hot.

'Cause you are... not hot.

- You got me. I'm not hot.

That's absolutely fine.

I'm fully aware that physical appearance

is the first place men go to

to make women feel the pain that they are feeling.

- What do you want from me?

- I want you to be the fun element to this show

like you were intended,

like a playful comment on gender politics

in the comfort of the familiar.

You're here to help the audience be less grossed out.

I just told my family and my doorman

what I do to make myself cum.

It would be awesome if you could do your part.

- Still not hot.

- Okay. Fine. You should maybe

take the rest of the day off, Mather.

- Gladly. - Relax.

- Coming up next, more of this dumb bitch!

What?

You motherfuckers. You can suck my asshole,

I swear to God!

- Oh, no. Can I help you?

- They lead to nowhere!

Like--just like my fucking life.

These are fake stairs!

- Yeah, it's a fake everything.

We're on a television show set.

Mather, please don't take this the wrong way,

but the door is that way.

- Pffft.

This show sucks.

Shut up!

- Oh...

I'm so sorry you had to see that.

Coming up next, more of this dumb bitch.

- You know what? It's funny.

People don't usually think of Jews

when they think of country music fans,

and that's so crazy to me because country music

is basically about heartbreak,

which is basically complaining.

I...

I actually love country music, so I went to Nashville

to get my heartbreak on and write some songs

with famed country music songwriter Lee Thomas Miller.

Take a look.

Oh, my Gosh.

Whoo!

- My friend Sarah's first time to the Bluebird Caf�.

- It's just like on "Nashville."

- I've been in Nashville 26 years, and, uh...

so I write a lot with Brad Paisley.

I've had several hits on him.

I've had some Tim McGraw.

I've had several cuts on Jason Aldean.

If you got a note and it said, "Hey",

"Sarah Silverman is trying to get a hold of you.

"She wants to come to Nashville

and film you all writing a song,"

would your initial thought be, "Ain't no way"?

I think a lot of comedians are looking for a quick jab.

Why in the world would she wanna come do this?

What's the... what's the gag?

My wife says, "You're afraid of Sarah Silverman?"

And I thought, "Yes."

Yes."

But I said, "No!"

Let's do this!"

And then last night she goes,

"Hey, I looked her up and watched some of her stuff,

"and I died laughing." I'm like,

"You didn't know what her thing was."

And she goes, "She makes fun of everybody."

She's like, "Yeah, well, it's too late now."

So good luck." - That's incredible.

You're fucked.

Country music is about truth,

and I just tried to kinda write from my heart

a few things. Maybe you could just--

you could tell me if I got something, or...

- Okay. - Something like this.

? Don't fill my fruit salad ?

With the pennies of fruit.

? I'm talkin' 'bout grapes ?

? Throw 'em in the trash chute ?

- I think that one's obvious.

- Right? I feel like this is

like a Garth Brooks-ish...

- Ish...

- ? It's hard waking up with the sun ?

? Hair and makeup until 1:00 ?

? My coconut water had pulp in it ?

? Even though I told my assistant ?

? No pulp ?

? No pulp ?

? Whoa-oa ?

- What percentage of the country music listeners

have...

too much pulp as their main life problem?

- ? You believe in life and liberty ?

? You believe in a God you can't see ?

? You believe in dumb luck and not giving zero fucks ?

? So why don't y'all believe me? ?

? I got straight pubes ?

? Got straight pubes ?

? Don't think that they're curly ?

? Just 'cause I'm a Jew ?

? I got straight pubes ?

? Got straight pubes ?

? I'll be leavin' no doubt ?

? Once I pluck one of 'em out ?

Then I actually pluck one out.

I hold it up to the audience.

- You don't need me at all. It's real.

It's relatable. - It's specific.

- It's... it's quite specific.

Um... the Jew thing might make some people uncomfortable.

- You know what, let's table this.

Country music is about heartbreak,

so I made a list of heartbreaking things

in my life

that led us to this song.

He made me cry...

through... Zoloft tears.

I mean, I didn't know I could have real tears.

I went to the fun fair, and I won the Cake Walk.

My mom showed up at the fun fair,

and her boyfriend that she was madly in love with

had just broken up with her.

And this is where I have a hard time,

because my mom's passed away, and I feel like

she's in outer space and she's gonna be upset

if I tell the story.

But the way I remember it, she was like...

"Peter broke up with me because he hates you!"

And, you know, as an adult, I look back,

and I go, he probably wanted to break up with her,

and it was more polite to be like, you know what,

you've got kids, that's complicated for me,

you know, but...

it was like she took it really hard, you know?

It was a bad marriage to my dad,

and her therapist tried to fuck her.

Everybody broke her.

- God, I love the title, "Somebody Broke Her."

- Ooh.

She'd tell me to be brave

while she stayed in her bed.

But she didn't leave her bed much.

- ? She was always there ?

? And she was never really there ?

- They're patiently waiting for you

to say the crudest, worst thing

they've ever heard in their entire life.

I can see it in their eyes. - I put the cunt in country.

I did not wanna say that. You guys forced me to say that.

You should blame yourself.

She had all these things that broke her down,

but like when she would gather us around,

it would be to say, "Girls, look at the sunset!

Girls, look at the moon!" you know?

- ? She said, "Girls, look at the sunset" ?

? "Oh, girls, come look at the moon" ?

Mm...

And then follow that. What's next?

W-what-- - Oh.

- Mm!

-

- She said, "Girls, look at the sunset,

oh, girls, come look at the moon."

- Everything she could see from the window of her room.

- ? She loved all the fairy tale lives ?

- ? 'Cause once upon a time ?

? Someone-- ? Oh. Wait.

- Okay, that's good. Let's do the rest again.

- Oh, we're gonna sell this to Carrie Underwood!

We have a performance in a little while.

I feel bad because you are a songwriter.

You may have stakes in tonight.

I know that if I blow it,

it will still probably be gold in some way.

That said,

you're a Grammy-nominated songwriter...

- Which means... - That you've never won

a Grammy. - Thank you.

Oh, my gosh.

Whoo!

- ? She was always there ?

? She was never really there ?

? She taught me that life is a bully ?

? And how to laugh like I just didn't care ?

? She loved all the fairy tale lives ?

? 'Cause once upon a time ?

? Somebody broke her ?

- ? Back somewhere along the way, she said ?

? Life screws you over ?

? But you learn how to make it okay ?

- ? So I pick up the pieces ?

? And stare at the stars ?

? Like I've got somethin' to show her ?

- ? I'm stronger than hell ?

? Because somebody broke her ?

? She said, "Girls, take a look at the sunset" ?

? "Oh, girls, come look at the moon" ?

? She saw the beauty in all of the things ?

? Things she could see from her room ?

? And I never knew ?

? That somebody broke her ?

? Back somewhere along the way ?

? She said, "Life screws you over" ?

? But you learn how to make it okay ?

? So I picked up my pieces ?

? And stare at the stars ?

? Like I've got somethin' to show her ?

- ? I'm stronger than hell ?

? Because somebody broke her ?

? She was never there ?

? But she was always there ?

Sarah Silverman, everyone.

Welcome to Nashville.

Come back anytime.

- How's... tomorrow?

Thank you so much.

I hope I gave you some good hair.

Or we could do the pubes song.

- Instead?

- Instead.

Hey, Lee and I recorded the song in a real studio,

and if you make a donation to the Music City Cares Fund,

you'll get a download of "Somebody Broke Her"

all to yourself. Go to cfmt.org/ilyamerica

and make a donation now.

All proceeds go to help victims of the tragedy in Las Vegas.

- Well, I am a super fan of tonight's guest.

She is a brilliant country artist

who was a successful chef, a drunk, and a junkie

when she hit bottom on the floor of a prison cell

at the age of 27.

Please welcome my amazing friend

Mary Gauthier.

I would say you have a country artist's

wet dream of a tragic story.

So, uh, could you tell us about your life

and how it led you to music?

- Well, yeah. I got sober at 27.

I started, uh, being able to speak in full sentences

at 30, and um...

I, uh, started hearing songs

and feeling a pull towards songwriting.

And by the time I was 35, I was playing open mics,

trying to get the songs in front of an audience

to see if they sucked or not, really.

- Um... it's funny, because you are

one of the most hopeful, joyful people

that I've ever met,

and your songs are...

make you wanna kill yourself.

- Yeah. - So... do you think

there's a connection between those things?

- Yeah, you know, when I feel like shit, I write a song.

That's how it works for me.

I use the...

It's a guitar.

- I call it the money maker. I use the money maker

to, um, to help me articulate what's going on,

and then I inflict it on people.

And some people like it, and it helps them to--

to understand that what they're feeling

at least one other person has felt.

And there's something about it that really works, yeah.

- Now let's get deep into this.

So "Mercy Now"...

"Rolling Stone" called "Mercy Now"

the saddest song ever written, and it is.

It's funny because we've all been listening

to your music all week, and one of the writers,

Diona Reasonover said,

your music made her so depressed,

she had to listen to Morrissey to cheer up.

So what inspired "Mercy Now" and will you sing some for us?

- Thank you. Yes, of course I will.

I wrote that on a bad day.

I was having, um, trouble in my career,

and I felt like I wasn't gettin' what I deserved.

I was talking to somebody in recovery

and expressing that feeling and my friend reminded me,

"Mary, it would be good to remember

"that given the behaviors you've exhibited in your life,

you really don't want what you truly deserve, do you?"

And I'm like, "Oh. You're right."

And it--a light bulb went in and it became,

"Oh, I don't really want what I deserve.

Thank you. I'm good."

And then I realized, oh, my God,

what if the churches got what they deserved,

based on some of the worst days of their life?

What if America got what it deserved

based on some of the worst days of her life?

What if... any of us?

And so that's where the idea is...

it started to come in that well, instead of

getting what I deserved, I think maybe I would prefer

a little mercy now.

And it flipped, and it turned into, uh, to this.

So, uh, so I...

? My father ?

? He could use a little mercy now ?

? The fruits of his labor ?

? Fall and rot slowly on the ground ?

? His work is almost over ?

? Won't be long ?

? He won't be around ?

? I love my father ?

? He could use some mercy now ?

- Ay yi yi yi yi.

I'm plotzing over here.

- Eh... - Um, you describe yourself

as an outsider.

So tell me the experience of, you know,

performing at the Grand Ole Opry,

at places that are so kind of tradition-based

or traditional. - Well, I'm pretty good

at splitting an audience in half,

kinda like Moses...

Yeah. Some will, and some won't.

I don't, obviously, look like the other girls at the Opry,

so, uh, there's a challenge

just by my physical appearance for me being there.

But an awful lot of folks will.

And those are the ones I'm after.

I think it's progress that, you know,

a big queer could be on the Opry and survive it.

- Yeah!

So you've been working

with veterans now the past couple of years

on this project, on an album, and, uh,

you have an album coming out in a couple of months

called "Rifles and Rosary Beads."

And you basically-- you co-wrote songs

with veterans, so tell me all about it.

- Yeah, thanks for asking. I'm working with

an organization called SongwritingWith: Soldiers,

and what we do is pair up professional songwriters

with, uh, with veterans, people who have served.

And sometimes their wives and sometimes their families.

And we get songs from their experiences.

And, uh, to try to describe it shortly is so hard.

For me to say anything in a small way about it is...

is challenging because it's so moving.

- Right. - But I got this thing here

where I can go, well, if you don't know

what to say-- - Again, it's called a guitar.

Oh, my God, Mary. - Well, it's this magic thing.

I can play... notes

and it helps them to go, "Yeah, that's how I feel."

What I'm interested in when I'm working with the veterans

is getting a really good song for 'em.

- Your experience, their experience.

- Their words, their experience.

- I'd love to hear a little

of one of the songs which I got to hear

called "Bullet Holes In the Sky."

- So, um...

This is a veteran sittin'...

in the Waffle House on Veterans Day

'cause if you have a military ID,

they give you free breakfast at the Waffle House

on Veterans Day.

? It's the 11th of November ?

? Down in Nashville, Tennessee ?

? Free breakfast at the Waffle House ?

? If I show my ID ?

? A parade up on the riverfront ?

? I can hear the trumpets play ?

? Hands on hearts, the color guard ?

? Kicks it off on Veterans Day ?

? And they thank me for my service ?

? And wave their little flags ?

? They genuflect on Sundays ?

? And yes, they'd send us back ?

? But I believe in God and country ?

? And in the angels up on high ?

? And in heaven, shinin' down on us ?

? Through bullet holes in the sky ?

? Mmm-mmm-mm ?

? Mm-hmm ?

? Mm-hmmm ?

- Mary Gauthier.

Thank you so much for coming.

I adore you.

Wow! What a fun, weird, crazy show.

I went to Nashville

and I wrote a sad song about my mom,

I got to catch up

with my good friend Mary Gauthier,

and now there's only one thing left to do

before I close my eyes tonight.

Fucks mattress.

Verbal.

- I'm gonna... go now.

- Oh, cool! Thanks again.

Good night, America. I "lerve" you.

- How the hell do I get out of this place?

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