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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,810 --> 00:00:04,313 And I just want you to know, as your manager, 2 00:00:04,313 --> 00:00:06,730 I'm entitled to 20 percent of those things going forward. 3 00:00:08,438 --> 00:00:09,396 Are you going up tonight? 4 00:00:09,396 --> 00:00:11,646 Well, not here, obviously. But um... 5 00:00:11,646 --> 00:00:12,980 I do the alt scene a little bit. 6 00:00:13,188 --> 00:00:15,104 I know this is weird for a comedian to say, 7 00:00:15,104 --> 00:00:16,897 but I'm not used to laughing. 8 00:00:16,897 --> 00:00:19,063 - [PEOPLE LAUGHING] - He's funny, right? 9 00:00:20,063 --> 00:00:21,605 He'll be funny in three years. 10 00:00:21,605 --> 00:00:22,730 My dad just told me, 11 00:00:22,730 --> 00:00:24,521 "If you want something, you got to ask for it." 12 00:00:24,521 --> 00:00:26,521 - But... - Your dad sounds like an idiot. 13 00:00:26,521 --> 00:00:28,188 PETE HOLMES: I'm trying to get into the college market. 14 00:00:28,188 --> 00:00:30,772 I just submitted a tape to, uh, NACA, I don't know if... 15 00:00:30,772 --> 00:00:33,104 - They still have NACA? - They still have NACA. 16 00:00:33,104 --> 00:00:34,063 NACA changed my life. 17 00:00:34,266 --> 00:00:37,772 I booked, like, 80 colleges, paid off my student loan... 18 00:00:37,772 --> 00:00:39,313 That's what NACA did for me. 19 00:00:43,747 --> 00:00:45,747 Synced and corrected by louvette www.addic7ed.com 20 00:00:45,772 --> 00:00:47,772 ? 21 00:00:58,605 --> 00:00:59,702 [HONKS] 22 00:01:01,505 --> 00:01:02,850 We're right here. 23 00:01:04,188 --> 00:01:05,229 [HONKS] 24 00:01:05,229 --> 00:01:07,473 [CLICKING TONGUE] 25 00:01:08,521 --> 00:01:09,938 Babe, you all right? 26 00:01:09,938 --> 00:01:12,627 Yeah. You're making sprinkler sounds with your mouth. 27 00:01:13,104 --> 00:01:14,167 Yeah, I'm... 28 00:01:14,736 --> 00:01:17,354 I'll calm down when I see the venue. 29 00:01:17,354 --> 00:01:18,673 If that makes sense? 30 00:01:18,813 --> 00:01:20,646 Like you said it's 300 people, 31 00:01:20,646 --> 00:01:23,229 That's way bigger than I've performed for. 32 00:01:23,229 --> 00:01:26,521 So, when I see the stage, I think I'll calm down a little bit. 33 00:01:26,521 --> 00:01:28,980 Remember? You're good. We've worked on these jokes. 34 00:01:28,980 --> 00:01:31,104 The NACA showcase is, like, no big deal. 35 00:01:31,104 --> 00:01:33,022 Just do your act, make them laugh, 36 00:01:33,022 --> 00:01:35,188 and I'm sure you'll book a lot of colleges. 37 00:01:35,188 --> 00:01:38,730 So relax, and enjoy our ride to Philadelphia. 38 00:01:38,730 --> 00:01:39,813 - Thank you. - Okay. 39 00:01:39,813 --> 00:01:41,563 - I will. - I mean, you can't trust her 40 00:01:41,563 --> 00:01:42,993 'cause you guys are fucking. 41 00:01:43,752 --> 00:01:44,800 All right. 42 00:01:45,460 --> 00:01:48,627 Uh, hey, can you not look at your phone while we're driving? 43 00:01:48,627 --> 00:01:50,646 No, I got it. I do this all the time. 44 00:01:51,591 --> 00:01:55,299 Right, but you shouldn't, 'cause it's illegal and dangerous. 45 00:01:55,299 --> 00:01:56,841 It's basically like drinking and driving. 46 00:01:56,841 --> 00:01:58,591 I actually put it in my phone, too, 47 00:01:58,591 --> 00:02:00,175 so I can navig... I'm happy to navigate. 48 00:02:00,175 --> 00:02:01,799 You guys talking is actually distracting me more, 49 00:02:01,799 --> 00:02:04,716 - so I'm just trying to focus on... - On killing us? 50 00:02:04,716 --> 00:02:06,050 I can only do two things at once... 51 00:02:06,050 --> 00:02:07,883 You're focusing on trying to murder us 52 00:02:07,883 --> 00:02:10,050 - by being obstinate. - I'm just trying to keep it simple, 53 00:02:10,050 --> 00:02:11,299 phone and road. 54 00:02:11,411 --> 00:02:12,953 Just look forward. Just look... I got it. 55 00:02:12,953 --> 00:02:14,286 You're supposed to go straight. 56 00:02:14,286 --> 00:02:16,453 - We're supposed to go straight. - We got one more. 57 00:02:16,453 --> 00:02:17,619 One more what? 58 00:02:17,619 --> 00:02:19,661 You have... Someone else is coming? 59 00:02:19,661 --> 00:02:21,239 Yeah, we're picking somebody up. 60 00:02:24,703 --> 00:02:25,778 Hey! 61 00:02:26,838 --> 00:02:28,244 Is that Melissa Villasenor? 62 00:02:29,453 --> 00:02:31,828 You rep Melissa Villasenor from SNL? 63 00:02:31,828 --> 00:02:33,895 Yeah, I rep a lot of people you don't know about. 64 00:02:34,202 --> 00:02:36,219 My finger is in many pots. 65 00:02:36,219 --> 00:02:37,885 - Ew. - Pete: Hi! 66 00:02:38,359 --> 00:02:40,177 Melissa, you can, uh, you can have shotgun. 67 00:02:40,177 --> 00:02:42,010 - Oh, thanks. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 68 00:02:42,010 --> 00:02:44,678 That's nice. Thank you. 69 00:02:44,678 --> 00:02:46,344 - Coming back. - ALI: Aah! 70 00:02:46,344 --> 00:02:47,719 Sorry! Got it? 71 00:02:47,719 --> 00:02:49,632 - ALI: Pete, be careful, wow. - I got it. 72 00:02:51,643 --> 00:02:53,142 - It's a nice bag. - Thanks. 73 00:02:53,167 --> 00:02:56,511 I just wanna say you're, uh, my favorite part of SNL right now, really. 74 00:02:56,511 --> 00:02:58,052 - MELISSA: Aw. - I think you're sensational. 75 00:02:58,052 --> 00:03:00,511 Your Owen Wilson, it's like... 76 00:03:00,511 --> 00:03:02,553 And David, uh, Pumpkins. Mr. Pumpkins. 77 00:03:02,553 --> 00:03:03,803 - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - David S. Pumpkins. 78 00:03:03,803 --> 00:03:05,571 - Yeah, thanks. - That's one of my favorites. 79 00:03:05,596 --> 00:03:08,094 [QUIETLY]: Just relax. She just sat down. 80 00:03:08,875 --> 00:03:10,386 She seems okay with it. 81 00:03:10,978 --> 00:03:12,143 Okay. 82 00:03:12,511 --> 00:03:15,096 I've never, uh, met a cast member before. 83 00:03:15,805 --> 00:03:19,513 PETE: I... I really think you're the next Kristen Wig 84 00:03:19,538 --> 00:03:21,164 but with better impressions. 85 00:03:21,164 --> 00:03:23,247 - MELISSA: Aw. - I just think you're phenomenal. 86 00:03:23,247 --> 00:03:24,979 PETE: What's it like working with Lorne? 87 00:03:25,372 --> 00:03:26,765 MELISSA: He's a funny one. 88 00:03:27,497 --> 00:03:29,081 PETE: Hey, what did you do for your audition? 89 00:03:29,081 --> 00:03:31,059 MELISSA: Oh, I did a lot of, mainly, impressions. 90 00:03:31,059 --> 00:03:34,851 Like Christina Aguilera was one of my first singing impressions. 91 00:03:34,851 --> 00:03:36,851 It was just one really one letter, you know, just... 92 00:03:36,851 --> 00:03:41,601 ? Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh! Whoa! Yeah! ? 93 00:03:41,601 --> 00:03:43,309 [LAUGHING LOUDLY] 94 00:03:43,309 --> 00:03:47,225 Really fills the car. Fills the car with joy. 95 00:03:47,225 --> 00:03:49,018 - PETE: It's so good! - Thanks. 96 00:03:50,184 --> 00:03:51,684 I've been working on Malkovich. 97 00:03:51,684 --> 00:03:52,622 MELLISA: Mm! 98 00:03:52,647 --> 00:03:55,397 Which is just... "I'm better. I'm stronger. 99 00:03:55,434 --> 00:03:58,018 I'm faster." It's just overenunciating. 100 00:03:58,018 --> 00:04:00,744 SARAH SILVERMAN: "I'm here in the car. 101 00:04:01,517 --> 00:04:04,976 My vagina is here." [GIGGLING] 102 00:04:04,976 --> 00:04:06,601 [PETE AND MELISSA LAUGHING] 103 00:04:06,601 --> 00:04:10,059 What would Christina Aguilera sound like singing a lullaby? 104 00:04:10,059 --> 00:04:14,517 ? Hush little baby don't say a word! ? 105 00:04:14,517 --> 00:04:15,936 And she'd wake up the baby. 106 00:04:15,936 --> 00:04:19,811 [PETE AND MELISSA LAUGHING] 107 00:04:19,812 --> 00:04:22,271 ? 108 00:04:22,605 --> 00:04:25,897 MELISSA: Wanda Sykes impression: "What the hell is this shit?" 109 00:04:25,897 --> 00:04:27,980 PETE: Oh, it's so good! 110 00:04:28,456 --> 00:04:31,271 MAN [SPEAKING LOUDLY]: ...all the world, I made it all the way to NACA. 111 00:04:31,271 --> 00:04:33,480 This hotel, it's insane. It's so wild. 112 00:04:33,480 --> 00:04:36,563 Gonna be gramming, snapping all week. Gonna be a good time! 113 00:04:37,024 --> 00:04:38,771 I gotta get on Snapchat. 114 00:04:38,772 --> 00:04:40,229 ALI: Yeah, apparently. 115 00:04:40,864 --> 00:04:42,730 - MAN: Name? - Uh, Woods. 116 00:04:42,906 --> 00:04:44,709 - Here for NACA? Great. - Yes. 117 00:04:45,313 --> 00:04:48,563 Three people in a standard double for one night. 118 00:04:48,563 --> 00:04:50,125 - Yeah. - Great. 119 00:04:52,105 --> 00:04:53,960 Sir, are they with you? 120 00:04:55,688 --> 00:04:56,772 No. 121 00:04:56,772 --> 00:04:59,271 Well, uh, two... one... Uh, two of them are. 122 00:04:59,271 --> 00:05:02,063 The other guy is... he's staying somewhere else. 123 00:05:02,063 --> 00:05:04,625 Okay, because the maximum is three. 124 00:05:05,480 --> 00:05:08,732 Uh, you're allowed only three in the same room. 125 00:05:09,038 --> 00:05:12,437 Because we have a lot of people abusing our extra guest policy. 126 00:05:13,772 --> 00:05:16,521 I wouldn't do that. I would never abuse a policy. 127 00:05:16,521 --> 00:05:19,589 That's one of my policies: never abuse policies. 128 00:05:20,104 --> 00:05:22,083 - Okay. - [KEYBOARD CLACKING] 129 00:05:22,438 --> 00:05:25,521 And, uh... how many keys would you like? 130 00:05:25,885 --> 00:05:27,715 Uh, let me do four. 131 00:05:28,730 --> 00:05:29,727 Great. 132 00:05:29,938 --> 00:05:32,938 - And, uh, we're gonna need a cot. - [KEYBOARD CLACKING] 133 00:05:34,480 --> 00:05:37,229 ? 134 00:05:44,938 --> 00:05:47,146 Melissa, what is that stuff? 135 00:05:47,568 --> 00:05:49,063 That's my sleep mask, 136 00:05:49,348 --> 00:05:52,228 my noise-canceling headphones, and my white noise machine. 137 00:05:53,438 --> 00:05:55,313 So, what do you play in the headphones? 138 00:05:55,665 --> 00:05:56,854 Brown noise. 139 00:05:57,424 --> 00:05:58,466 Hmm. 140 00:05:58,480 --> 00:06:00,472 - I need some dinner. - Oh, man, me too. 141 00:06:00,519 --> 00:06:02,030 - Can I come? - Sure. 142 00:06:02,088 --> 00:06:03,491 Do you want anything? 143 00:06:03,516 --> 00:06:05,097 Mm, I'm okay. 144 00:06:05,175 --> 00:06:07,112 - Melissa? - I'm good, thanks. 145 00:06:10,407 --> 00:06:11,558 The elevator's this way. 146 00:06:11,851 --> 00:06:13,176 Hey, I'm glad you came. 147 00:06:13,737 --> 00:06:15,641 We need to talk about your college act. 148 00:06:15,934 --> 00:06:18,087 What do you mean? I don't really have a college act. 149 00:06:18,118 --> 00:06:19,265 I just have my act. 150 00:06:19,265 --> 00:06:22,036 Yeah, that's the problem, okay? These kids are super sensitive. 151 00:06:22,061 --> 00:06:23,812 You never know what's gonna set 'em off. 152 00:06:23,812 --> 00:06:25,770 You grew up in the '80s, when everybody thought bullying 153 00:06:25,770 --> 00:06:28,016 was a hilarious and just normal part of life. 154 00:06:28,228 --> 00:06:30,144 Okay, so, well, like, what? 155 00:06:30,144 --> 00:06:33,269 - Don't talk about abortion. - Have you seen my act? 156 00:06:33,269 --> 00:06:36,103 Yeah. No more gypping, okay? 157 00:06:36,103 --> 00:06:39,728 You don't wanna talk about gypsies or really any type of group 158 00:06:39,728 --> 00:06:42,186 from any area. You don't wanna talk about sex, okay? 159 00:06:42,186 --> 00:06:44,687 - Okay, fine. - Don't talk about rape. 160 00:06:44,687 --> 00:06:47,896 Don't talk about overdosing, no suicide, no fire... 161 00:06:48,103 --> 00:06:51,144 - none of that. - So, what am I supposed to talk about? 162 00:06:51,144 --> 00:06:53,436 Just talk about the absurdities of the world 163 00:06:53,436 --> 00:06:55,103 or like, make an observation, 164 00:06:55,103 --> 00:06:57,186 and then talk about what's weird about it. 165 00:06:57,186 --> 00:06:59,061 I... That's vague. 166 00:06:59,061 --> 00:07:02,552 Just do, like, uh, do, like, "there's always one guy" stuff. 167 00:07:02,770 --> 00:07:05,103 - What is that? - There's always one guy at the office 168 00:07:05,103 --> 00:07:06,863 who's always got a hat on. 169 00:07:07,103 --> 00:07:08,645 Always got a hat on? 170 00:07:08,645 --> 00:07:10,603 ? 171 00:07:18,766 --> 00:07:20,311 [QUIETLY] I don't have any kids, 172 00:07:20,311 --> 00:07:22,478 but doesn't it kind of feel like I do? 173 00:07:23,608 --> 00:07:25,645 I'm kind of like a fun dad, 174 00:07:26,103 --> 00:07:28,127 the dad you see at a barbecue. 175 00:07:28,687 --> 00:07:30,221 [LAUGHS GOOFILY] 176 00:07:31,212 --> 00:07:32,529 Fresca. 177 00:07:33,311 --> 00:07:34,914 Fresca. 178 00:07:37,269 --> 00:07:38,645 [BIRDS TWITTERING] 179 00:07:38,645 --> 00:07:41,311 [ALARM CHIMING] 180 00:07:41,311 --> 00:07:43,812 ? 181 00:07:43,812 --> 00:07:47,645 - Let's get up. Big day! - [GROANS] No, no. 182 00:07:48,704 --> 00:07:51,144 WOMAN: Obviously, we don't want any of you to feel censored 183 00:07:51,144 --> 00:07:53,311 in any way, but I strongly encourage, 184 00:07:53,311 --> 00:07:55,812 if your creativity or banter within your performances 185 00:07:55,812 --> 00:07:57,858 skews towards things like 186 00:07:57,883 --> 00:08:00,478 assault, rape, suicide, race, 187 00:08:00,478 --> 00:08:03,103 kindly steer that ship right on over to somewhere else. 188 00:08:03,103 --> 00:08:05,812 [QUIETLY] Or fire. He said don't talk about fire. 189 00:08:06,448 --> 00:08:10,011 If they would bleep it on The Big Bang Theory, don't do it. Okay? 190 00:08:10,561 --> 00:08:11,687 [LAUGHTER] 191 00:08:11,687 --> 00:08:14,103 When I was a kid, I always eating Bubble Tape. 192 00:08:14,103 --> 00:08:15,520 You guys remember Bubble Tape? 193 00:08:15,520 --> 00:08:17,228 - [CHEERING] - Oh my... Yes, right? 194 00:08:17,228 --> 00:08:19,186 It's so good. It's like the best gum. 195 00:08:19,186 --> 00:08:21,144 You know, and what's awesome about Bubble Tape, 196 00:08:21,144 --> 00:08:24,103 instead of it being, like, individually wrapped little pieces, 197 00:08:24,103 --> 00:08:26,687 like, "Oh, ooh, I gotta put the gum in an envelope," 198 00:08:26,687 --> 00:08:29,228 like, what is this, like, a post office or something? 199 00:08:29,228 --> 00:08:31,853 - [LAUGHTER] - Bubble Tape, though, Bubble Tape was just 200 00:08:31,853 --> 00:08:34,812 one, like, long-ass piece o'gum! 201 00:08:34,812 --> 00:08:36,770 - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] - Long-ass piece o' gum! 202 00:08:36,770 --> 00:08:39,019 I would just bite into that thing like a hockey puck. 203 00:08:39,019 --> 00:08:40,770 Ohm! More for me! 204 00:08:40,770 --> 00:08:43,561 I was like a Cookie Monster but with Bubble Tape. 205 00:08:43,561 --> 00:08:45,603 I was like... Ohm, nom, nom, nom! 206 00:08:45,603 --> 00:08:47,937 - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] - All right, y'all. Thank you, guys. 207 00:08:47,937 --> 00:08:49,395 - Thank you. - [LOUD CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 208 00:08:49,395 --> 00:08:51,455 HOST: Clay Dayton! 209 00:08:51,728 --> 00:08:55,646 - [BEATBOXING] - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES] 210 00:09:01,061 --> 00:09:04,561 ? Watch me whip watch me nae nae ? 211 00:09:04,561 --> 00:09:07,770 ? Watch me whip watch me nae nae ? 212 00:09:07,770 --> 00:09:09,830 [BEATBOXING] 213 00:09:10,019 --> 00:09:12,169 - You guys know what's up. - [CHEERS] 214 00:09:12,194 --> 00:09:14,875 All right, are you guys ready for your next act? 215 00:09:15,027 --> 00:09:16,027 [LOUD CHEERS] 216 00:09:16,136 --> 00:09:18,644 Please give it up for the lovely and talented 217 00:09:18,645 --> 00:09:20,561 Ali Reissen! 218 00:09:20,561 --> 00:09:24,144 - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] - [BEATBOXING] 219 00:09:24,144 --> 00:09:25,144 Oh my God! 220 00:09:25,144 --> 00:09:28,486 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES] 221 00:09:30,478 --> 00:09:32,247 Thank you! Oh my God, 222 00:09:32,272 --> 00:09:34,546 it's so good to be here. 223 00:09:34,728 --> 00:09:37,061 So you guys are in college, that's pretty chill. 224 00:09:37,061 --> 00:09:39,478 - [CHEERS] - Yeah? You guys got roommates? 225 00:09:39,478 --> 00:09:40,645 AUDIENCE: Yeah! 226 00:09:40,645 --> 00:09:42,311 Yeah, that's a whole thing. 227 00:09:42,311 --> 00:09:43,709 I had a roommate in college, 228 00:09:43,709 --> 00:09:46,505 she would always walk around naked, you know? 229 00:09:46,812 --> 00:09:49,436 She would always refer to her breasts as "the twins." 230 00:09:49,436 --> 00:09:52,061 Which I thought was funny, 'cause, I'm like, I've seen the twins, 231 00:09:52,061 --> 00:09:53,353 and they're fraternal. 232 00:09:53,353 --> 00:09:54,881 - [LAUGHTER] - Um... 233 00:09:55,520 --> 00:09:57,332 I was like, I don't know if the left one 234 00:09:57,357 --> 00:09:59,395 is from the same father, you know? 235 00:09:59,395 --> 00:10:01,028 [LAUGHTER] 236 00:10:01,395 --> 00:10:02,687 She was like, "What do you mean?" 237 00:10:02,687 --> 00:10:04,228 I'm like, "The left one's black," and, um... 238 00:10:04,228 --> 00:10:06,937 - [LAUGHTER] - Colleges are scary now, though, 239 00:10:06,937 --> 00:10:09,735 like, you got a lot of activities, obviously. 240 00:10:09,847 --> 00:10:13,144 You can get involved in so many things. 241 00:10:13,144 --> 00:10:17,103 Uh, let's see, sports, theater, rape is pretty big. 242 00:10:17,103 --> 00:10:18,978 - Um... - [GROANS, SCATTERED LAUGHTER] 243 00:10:18,978 --> 00:10:21,311 Yeah, I mean, you know, if you're a girl, and you go to a frat party, 244 00:10:21,311 --> 00:10:24,812 like, there is a chance that you could get roofied. 245 00:10:24,812 --> 00:10:28,206 Um, which... Yeah, don't laugh at that, 'cause it's fucked. 246 00:10:28,728 --> 00:10:31,978 But, uh, yeah, I think... I think it's disgusting that we've shortened the word 247 00:10:31,978 --> 00:10:35,520 Rohypnol to roofie, right? It's like Rohypnol, 248 00:10:35,520 --> 00:10:39,061 it sounds, like, severe, 'cause it is severe, it's a rape drug. 249 00:10:39,061 --> 00:10:41,843 We're like, "Mm-hm, roofie," like we made it cute... 250 00:10:41,867 --> 00:10:42,769 [LAUGHTER] 251 00:10:42,770 --> 00:10:44,687 ...which is so demented. You know what I mean? 252 00:10:44,687 --> 00:10:48,520 You can't take something terrible and make it sound adorable, 253 00:10:48,520 --> 00:10:49,937 that's not acceptable. 254 00:10:49,937 --> 00:10:52,061 Like, you would never be, like, "Yeah, my roommate", 255 00:10:52,061 --> 00:10:54,311 "she was in a car crash. It's actually really sad." 256 00:10:54,311 --> 00:10:58,228 "Her head got de-cappied, and, um, yeah, it's a bummer." 257 00:10:58,228 --> 00:11:00,520 "It was also on 9-elevzies, which is just, like," 258 00:11:00,520 --> 00:11:03,269 "really weird timing, but it's okay, it's okay." 259 00:11:03,269 --> 00:11:05,663 "The driver, he was sentenced 260 00:11:05,688 --> 00:11:07,645 to, um, life in priz." 261 00:11:07,645 --> 00:11:10,728 - [LAUGHTER] - And... forev's in priz. 262 00:11:10,728 --> 00:11:13,687 - [GROANING] - Thank you, guys. I'm Ali Reissen. 263 00:11:13,687 --> 00:11:16,228 - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] - Have a great night. I mean, day. 264 00:11:16,228 --> 00:11:19,019 - HOST: Ali Reissen! - This was exciting. 265 00:11:19,019 --> 00:11:22,496 [BEATBOXING] 266 00:11:26,561 --> 00:11:27,926 This next performer, 267 00:11:28,603 --> 00:11:30,645 you may know her from Saturday Night Live! 268 00:11:30,645 --> 00:11:34,436 - [LOUD CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] - Please welcome Melissa Villasenor! 269 00:11:34,436 --> 00:11:37,895 [BEATBOXING] 270 00:11:44,061 --> 00:11:46,639 Hey, you guys are the best! 271 00:11:46,978 --> 00:11:49,395 Are you guys Shakira fans? Shakira? 272 00:11:49,395 --> 00:11:51,061 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 273 00:11:51,061 --> 00:11:52,812 Well, I don't know if you'll be now, 274 00:11:52,812 --> 00:11:54,812 'cause I've figured out something, okay? 275 00:11:54,812 --> 00:11:56,895 I realized, I don't think she's all that hot 276 00:11:56,895 --> 00:11:58,645 if she didn't have background music. 277 00:11:58,645 --> 00:12:01,061 Like, if it was just that singing voice and her dancing, 278 00:12:01,061 --> 00:12:02,567 it'd be this... 279 00:12:02,592 --> 00:12:05,478 [VOCALIZING] ? Camel hump ? 280 00:12:05,478 --> 00:12:07,937 - ? I want to see you in my pants ? - [LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE] 281 00:12:07,937 --> 00:12:11,395 ? Oh, hello! Let me take off ? 282 00:12:11,395 --> 00:12:14,853 [LAUGHING, CHEERING] 283 00:12:14,853 --> 00:12:19,895 - ? You're gone ? - ? Dreams, dreams, dreams, dreams ? 284 00:12:19,895 --> 00:12:21,215 ? Oh, oh, oh! ? 285 00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:25,019 ? She's making me high She's making me high ? 286 00:12:25,019 --> 00:12:28,103 ? Dreams, dreams, dreams, dreams ? 287 00:12:28,103 --> 00:12:31,520 - ? Oh, oh, oh! ? - ? She's making me high ? 288 00:12:31,520 --> 00:12:33,645 ? I wanna get me free ? 289 00:12:33,645 --> 00:12:37,937 ? 290 00:12:39,436 --> 00:12:42,269 ? Nothing gonna get me in my world ? 291 00:12:42,269 --> 00:12:44,061 ? 292 00:12:47,937 --> 00:12:49,103 Woo! 293 00:12:50,269 --> 00:12:51,982 MELISSA: Here have some pins. 294 00:12:52,520 --> 00:12:53,770 ALI: Hi. 295 00:12:56,269 --> 00:12:57,519 MELISSA: Do you want a pin? 296 00:12:57,520 --> 00:12:59,269 - [LAUGHING] - It's my little head. 297 00:12:59,269 --> 00:13:00,687 [LAUGHING] 298 00:13:00,687 --> 00:13:01,937 Put it on your backpack. 299 00:13:01,937 --> 00:13:03,853 - We can't wait. - See you in November. 300 00:13:03,853 --> 00:13:05,395 I'm coming to your guys' campuses, right? 301 00:13:05,395 --> 00:13:07,812 You got to book me on your campus. Go ahead, you take a hat. 302 00:13:07,812 --> 00:13:09,978 Take a hat. Think about it, right? 303 00:13:11,478 --> 00:13:12,553 Hi. 304 00:13:12,812 --> 00:13:14,362 - This is fun. - Mm-hmm. 305 00:13:14,645 --> 00:13:15,812 Did you see the slide? 306 00:13:15,812 --> 00:13:17,687 I did, yeah. It looks really fun. 307 00:13:17,687 --> 00:13:19,853 There's a magician over there, he read the serial number 308 00:13:19,853 --> 00:13:22,186 on a bill that I had in my wallet. 309 00:13:22,186 --> 00:13:23,561 - Whoa. - He knew the number. 310 00:13:23,561 --> 00:13:25,404 - Whoa. - BOTH: That's crazy. 311 00:13:26,019 --> 00:13:27,061 Yeah. 312 00:13:27,061 --> 00:13:30,520 [NOISY CHATTERING] 313 00:13:32,102 --> 00:13:33,267 You did great. 314 00:13:35,728 --> 00:13:39,353 This is brutal. This is... brutal. 315 00:13:39,675 --> 00:13:41,686 I feel like the ugly girl at the kissing booth. 316 00:13:42,104 --> 00:13:43,186 No. 317 00:13:43,186 --> 00:13:45,395 You're the prettiest girl at the kissing booth. 318 00:13:45,395 --> 00:13:46,895 You're not even in a booth. 319 00:13:50,625 --> 00:13:52,227 Thanks for stopping by. 320 00:13:52,228 --> 00:13:54,061 - She's so great! - Look forward to seeing you. 321 00:13:54,061 --> 00:13:56,311 Hey! How's it going? Want a pin? 322 00:13:56,311 --> 00:13:58,118 - GIRL: You were great. - [MELISSA GIGGLES] 323 00:13:58,603 --> 00:14:00,645 - MELISSA: Thanks. - I love pins, thank you. 324 00:14:00,645 --> 00:14:01,785 I'm gonna run out. 325 00:14:01,810 --> 00:14:02,770 Why? 326 00:14:02,795 --> 00:14:04,490 I think I'm... scaring the bookers away. 327 00:14:04,520 --> 00:14:06,812 So maybe if you're just here, 328 00:14:06,812 --> 00:14:08,743 they'll... "Oh, that's the girl," right? 329 00:14:09,520 --> 00:14:10,687 Later. 330 00:14:11,154 --> 00:14:13,482 - Ali Reissen. - All right, just go. 331 00:14:13,507 --> 00:14:15,520 - From the nine a.m. show. - Okay, bye! Bye, bye, bye. 332 00:14:15,520 --> 00:14:18,221 - Be right back. I'll be right back. - Okay, bye. [GROANS] 333 00:14:20,186 --> 00:14:22,871 Oh. Cool shirt. 334 00:14:27,103 --> 00:14:28,191 - Hey. - Oh. 335 00:14:28,728 --> 00:14:29,781 Hi. 336 00:14:30,003 --> 00:14:31,837 You know, this is all a big part of it, the mingling, 337 00:14:31,882 --> 00:14:34,292 - and the, you know, meeting people. - Mm-hm. 338 00:14:35,603 --> 00:14:37,269 I was also thinking, uh... 339 00:14:37,434 --> 00:14:39,271 you should try to get on SNL, you know? 340 00:14:39,296 --> 00:14:41,213 - Mm-hmm. - That's been huge for Melissa. 341 00:14:41,238 --> 00:14:43,600 Yeah. No. It's... it's a big show for her, 342 00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:45,267 and everybody who's on it. 343 00:14:45,267 --> 00:14:47,433 So maybe as a next step, I think that'd be... 344 00:14:47,433 --> 00:14:49,100 - That'd be good for you. - Totally. 345 00:14:49,100 --> 00:14:50,649 Totally, totally, totally. Mm-hmm. 346 00:14:50,765 --> 00:14:53,408 But because we had this conversation, if you do get SNL, 347 00:14:53,433 --> 00:14:56,267 I get 10 percent. Just so you know, that's how it works. 348 00:14:56,563 --> 00:14:59,350 Yep. Okay, you're so helpful. Thank you, this was awesome. 349 00:14:59,350 --> 00:15:00,662 Great chat. Okay. 350 00:15:00,975 --> 00:15:04,433 ? 351 00:15:11,975 --> 00:15:14,433 ? 352 00:15:27,642 --> 00:15:29,475 ? 353 00:15:35,642 --> 00:15:37,308 Are these really two bucks? 354 00:15:37,669 --> 00:15:39,958 Yeah, they're a real steal. 355 00:15:42,225 --> 00:15:45,684 ? 356 00:15:45,684 --> 00:15:48,517 ? Ha, ha, ha! ? 357 00:15:48,517 --> 00:15:50,600 [CHEERING] 358 00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:51,891 ? Pump it ? 359 00:15:51,891 --> 00:15:54,517 ? Ha, ha, ha! ? 360 00:15:54,517 --> 00:15:57,600 [CHEERING] 361 00:15:57,600 --> 00:15:59,684 - [MUSIC MUFFLED] - ? Pump it ? 362 00:15:59,684 --> 00:16:01,141 ? Pump it ? 363 00:16:01,141 --> 00:16:02,350 ? Pump it ? 364 00:16:02,954 --> 00:16:04,850 - Hey, there you are. - Hey. 365 00:16:05,007 --> 00:16:06,156 Any bookings? 366 00:16:06,350 --> 00:16:08,475 Uh, no. Not yet. 367 00:16:08,475 --> 00:16:09,685 Sorry. 368 00:16:09,891 --> 00:16:11,392 What are you doing? 369 00:16:11,392 --> 00:16:13,350 Uh, it's my merch. 370 00:16:13,793 --> 00:16:15,381 I ran out and I got some. 371 00:16:15,517 --> 00:16:16,850 "Gas it up." 372 00:16:16,850 --> 00:16:19,350 Yeah. I thought it was, uh, it might work, 373 00:16:19,350 --> 00:16:22,016 as, like, a catchphrase, something to help me stand out. 374 00:16:22,016 --> 00:16:23,559 It's from a gas station. 375 00:16:23,559 --> 00:16:26,011 So you're gonna write a joke 376 00:16:26,036 --> 00:16:28,433 to match this shirt? 377 00:16:28,433 --> 00:16:30,100 Yeah. It's like a sales pitch. 378 00:16:30,100 --> 00:16:31,725 This is like a marketing play. 379 00:16:31,912 --> 00:16:34,058 You're spiraling. Why would you do that? 380 00:16:34,058 --> 00:16:36,600 - I just... - You have a great act, just do your set. 381 00:16:36,600 --> 00:16:38,517 I don't know if a great act is enough. 382 00:16:38,804 --> 00:16:41,891 - What do you mean? - They need laughs and a takeaway. 383 00:16:42,282 --> 00:16:44,600 I'm not trying to, like, play to the back of the room. 384 00:16:44,600 --> 00:16:48,058 I'm trying to get a bunch of dorks that book campus activities 385 00:16:48,058 --> 00:16:50,249 to think that I'm a neat-o fella, you know? 386 00:16:50,274 --> 00:16:51,334 Right. 387 00:16:51,359 --> 00:16:54,482 So, like, nostalgia stuff, obviously impressions 388 00:16:54,507 --> 00:16:56,194 are killing really hard... so I... 389 00:16:56,219 --> 00:16:58,862 I wanna do some "remember when" stuff, 390 00:16:58,887 --> 00:17:00,842 - for these guys. - Okay, well... 391 00:17:02,100 --> 00:17:04,433 sounds like you have a master plan. 392 00:17:04,433 --> 00:17:07,267 I'm not gonna try to mess with it. 393 00:17:07,267 --> 00:17:08,946 - I mean... - Good luck with this. 394 00:17:09,079 --> 00:17:11,100 - It's like a business card. - Mm-hmm. 395 00:17:11,100 --> 00:17:13,809 - That you can wear. - That's... I know you're joking. 396 00:17:13,809 --> 00:17:16,162 - Sassy. - We'll see who's laughing. 397 00:17:16,433 --> 00:17:17,651 [APPLAUSE AND CHEERS] 398 00:17:17,676 --> 00:17:21,416 Keep it going for the Chicago Boys! 399 00:17:23,100 --> 00:17:24,933 Are you guys ready for your next comic? 400 00:17:24,933 --> 00:17:26,308 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 401 00:17:26,308 --> 00:17:29,975 A super funny dude, put your hands together for Pete Holmes! 402 00:17:29,975 --> 00:17:32,100 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 403 00:17:34,141 --> 00:17:36,809 Hello! How's it going, NACA? 404 00:17:36,809 --> 00:17:38,267 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 405 00:17:38,267 --> 00:17:40,058 - Let me hear you say "Hey!" - AUDIENCE: Hey! 406 00:17:40,058 --> 00:17:41,183 - Ho! - AUDIENCE: Ho! 407 00:17:41,183 --> 00:17:42,433 - NACA! - AUDIENCE: NACA! 408 00:17:42,433 --> 00:17:44,225 - Yeah! - AUDIENCE: Yeah! 409 00:17:44,225 --> 00:17:46,419 Yeah! You guys are good! 410 00:17:46,600 --> 00:17:47,642 I love High School Musical. 411 00:17:47,642 --> 00:17:49,308 You guys remember High School Musical? 412 00:17:49,308 --> 00:17:50,975 [CHEERING] 413 00:17:50,975 --> 00:17:52,058 That was the best. 414 00:17:52,058 --> 00:17:54,517 That ruined regular basketball for me. 415 00:17:54,517 --> 00:17:55,809 [LAUGHTER] 416 00:17:55,809 --> 00:17:57,308 I would go to a regular basketball game, 417 00:17:57,308 --> 00:17:59,308 I'd be like, "Why aren't you dancing?" 418 00:17:59,308 --> 00:18:00,350 [LAUGHTER] 419 00:18:00,350 --> 00:18:01,951 Don't just pass! 420 00:18:02,625 --> 00:18:04,231 - Flail! - [LAUGHTER] 421 00:18:05,149 --> 00:18:07,767 What about Harry Potter? Harry Potter, that was the best! 422 00:18:07,767 --> 00:18:10,225 - [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] - I love Harry Potter! 423 00:18:10,225 --> 00:18:11,850 Harold M. Potter. 424 00:18:12,163 --> 00:18:14,308 But I think the most magical thing about all of Harry Potter 425 00:18:14,308 --> 00:18:16,684 is that it made us love books. 426 00:18:16,684 --> 00:18:18,723 - [CHEERING] - How did they do that? 427 00:18:19,308 --> 00:18:20,450 Books? 428 00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:22,965 Is there anything worse than books? 429 00:18:23,225 --> 00:18:25,475 And suddenly, they're like, "Oh, it's about a magical nerd." 430 00:18:25,475 --> 00:18:27,016 We're like, "Give me that book!" 431 00:18:27,629 --> 00:18:30,659 - [LAUGHTER] - How many pages? A thousand? 432 00:18:30,684 --> 00:18:32,141 Not enough book! 433 00:18:32,141 --> 00:18:33,850 [LAUGHTER] 434 00:18:33,850 --> 00:18:36,159 - Who here has a car? Anybody have a car? - [CHEERING] 435 00:18:36,184 --> 00:18:37,600 Anybody have a car? Are you out there driving? 436 00:18:37,600 --> 00:18:39,850 Out there driving? Put it in drive? Put it in D? 437 00:18:39,850 --> 00:18:41,744 Put it in D, baby! 438 00:18:42,382 --> 00:18:44,804 I love getting gas in my car. You ever treat yourself? 439 00:18:45,267 --> 00:18:47,183 You ever treat yourself and get full service? 440 00:18:47,183 --> 00:18:50,100 - [LAUGHTER] - Whoo! 441 00:18:50,100 --> 00:18:52,767 Full service! You don't have to do anything! 442 00:18:53,129 --> 00:18:55,225 I like to put my hands behind my head. 443 00:18:55,225 --> 00:18:57,183 [LAUGHTER] 444 00:18:57,183 --> 00:18:58,350 Gas it up. 445 00:18:58,350 --> 00:19:00,475 [LAUGHTER] 446 00:19:00,475 --> 00:19:02,559 In the road trip of life, don't go with a half tank, 447 00:19:02,559 --> 00:19:06,183 go with a gas it up! Go with a gas it up! 448 00:19:06,183 --> 00:19:07,330 [LAUGHTER] 449 00:19:07,370 --> 00:19:08,854 What would happen if Arnold Schwarzenegger 450 00:19:08,933 --> 00:19:10,684 had an itch on his back he couldn't reach? 451 00:19:10,684 --> 00:19:12,141 He's just, like... [GRUNTS] 452 00:19:12,141 --> 00:19:15,671 - [LAUGHTER] - [GRUNTING] 453 00:19:17,325 --> 00:19:20,433 "Bring me the terminator hand that I might reach it!" 454 00:19:20,975 --> 00:19:23,392 When he finally reaches it, "Oh, yeah." 455 00:19:23,392 --> 00:19:24,850 Oh, my fucking God. 456 00:19:24,850 --> 00:19:27,684 And he drives home in his Hummer, goes and gets full service, 457 00:19:27,684 --> 00:19:29,433 - "Gas it up!" - [LAUGHTER] 458 00:19:29,433 --> 00:19:33,225 Gas it up! [LAUGHS] NACA, thank you so much! 459 00:19:33,225 --> 00:19:35,471 - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] - Thank you! 460 00:19:35,767 --> 00:19:38,684 Thank you so much! come see me in Booth five-five-zero. 461 00:19:38,684 --> 00:19:42,267 - Gas it up! Gas it up! - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 462 00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:46,267 ? 463 00:19:48,308 --> 00:19:50,767 Thank you ladies. I'm so glad you enjoyed the show. 464 00:19:50,767 --> 00:19:52,475 - Thank you! - It was great. Thank you. 465 00:19:52,475 --> 00:19:54,594 Yes, gas... it... up! 466 00:19:54,933 --> 00:19:56,267 Gas it up! 467 00:19:56,267 --> 00:19:58,642 You got six so far and I'm working on more. 468 00:19:58,642 --> 00:20:00,725 Six? Yes! 469 00:20:00,725 --> 00:20:03,233 That's... Six times 1,100 is like... 470 00:20:03,258 --> 00:20:05,183 that's almost seven grand! 471 00:20:05,183 --> 00:20:08,016 Yeah, minus, uh, hotel, travel, and my 20 percent, 472 00:20:08,016 --> 00:20:09,767 that's not bad for a year's work. 473 00:20:09,767 --> 00:20:11,433 You're my new show pony. 474 00:20:11,605 --> 00:20:13,480 I've been paying attention to the wrong horse. 475 00:20:13,679 --> 00:20:15,767 I should've been sneaking into your stable. 476 00:20:17,350 --> 00:20:18,725 - You're the "gas it up" guy. - Hey! 477 00:20:18,725 --> 00:20:20,203 - You got this. - Yes, yes, yes. 478 00:20:20,331 --> 00:20:22,015 Where do you guys go to school? 479 00:20:22,267 --> 00:20:24,767 [INDISTINCT CHATTERING] 480 00:20:27,975 --> 00:20:30,119 Hey. I just wanted to say, 481 00:20:30,144 --> 00:20:32,278 you were my favorite. 482 00:20:32,578 --> 00:20:36,141 Oh. Uh, thank you. That's really nice. 483 00:20:36,141 --> 00:20:38,141 - What's your name? - Nadine. 484 00:20:38,141 --> 00:20:39,517 Hi, Nadine, nice to meet you. 485 00:20:39,517 --> 00:20:40,809 What school do you go to? 486 00:20:40,809 --> 00:20:44,252 Uh, Earlham. Uh, you've probably never heard of it. 487 00:20:44,725 --> 00:20:46,725 I... I go there, and I haven't heard of it. 488 00:20:46,725 --> 00:20:49,016 [LAUGHS] That's really funny. 489 00:20:49,016 --> 00:20:50,642 - Really? - Yeah. Do you do comedy? 490 00:20:50,642 --> 00:20:54,100 I would, but I think I'm more, like, situational funny, 491 00:20:54,100 --> 00:20:56,267 and than, like, writing funny. 492 00:20:56,267 --> 00:20:58,850 - Mm-hmm. - But you were so good. 493 00:20:58,850 --> 00:21:00,517 Oh. [CHUCKLES] Thank you. 494 00:21:00,517 --> 00:21:03,308 Like, that one bit you had about dating a mime, 495 00:21:03,308 --> 00:21:05,872 I was like, oh my God. [LAUGHS] 496 00:21:06,350 --> 00:21:08,141 Um... I don't... 497 00:21:08,141 --> 00:21:10,133 I don't have a bit about dating a mime. 498 00:21:11,487 --> 00:21:12,941 Shit, I'm... I just... 499 00:21:13,222 --> 00:21:15,684 I saw so many comedians today. 500 00:21:15,684 --> 00:21:17,433 - Sure. - It's... You just guys 501 00:21:17,433 --> 00:21:19,725 all kind of just blurred together. You know? 502 00:21:19,725 --> 00:21:20,891 Yeah. 503 00:21:22,752 --> 00:21:24,936 - Uh, sorry. - It's okay. 504 00:21:25,809 --> 00:21:27,225 - Okay. - Okay. 505 00:21:33,308 --> 00:21:35,183 ? 506 00:21:50,559 --> 00:21:51,725 Hey. 507 00:21:55,457 --> 00:21:58,700 Where'd you go? I... I was looking for you. 508 00:21:58,725 --> 00:22:00,117 Everybody's down there. 509 00:22:00,933 --> 00:22:02,257 Came here. 510 00:22:02,684 --> 00:22:05,534 Didn't book any colleges, so I'm just, you know... 511 00:22:06,539 --> 00:22:08,040 eating my feelings. 512 00:22:11,016 --> 00:22:12,684 - Turkey club? - Mm-hmm. 513 00:22:14,058 --> 00:22:15,600 They do avocado or...? 514 00:22:15,790 --> 00:22:18,933 I don't think they have that in Philadelphia. 515 00:22:20,809 --> 00:22:22,308 I booked six. 516 00:22:22,890 --> 00:22:25,392 On the marketplace floor, and then I actually booked another one 517 00:22:25,392 --> 00:22:27,225 just networking at the mixer. 518 00:22:27,225 --> 00:22:28,222 Mm. 519 00:22:28,642 --> 00:22:30,350 Don't say networking. 520 00:22:30,806 --> 00:22:33,363 I'm sorry. What... What's going on? 521 00:22:34,134 --> 00:22:35,861 Are you... What's happening? 522 00:22:36,875 --> 00:22:40,141 You deserve it, Pete. You did everything they wanted, you know? 523 00:22:40,141 --> 00:22:42,278 You were out there gassing it up. 524 00:22:43,291 --> 00:22:45,359 Are you upset? At me? 525 00:22:45,841 --> 00:22:49,016 I... I just did what I thought we came here to do. 526 00:22:49,016 --> 00:22:52,961 We're here to book shows. We're here to make some money. 527 00:22:53,267 --> 00:22:54,600 - It's not about the money. - I didn't... 528 00:22:54,600 --> 00:22:57,559 It's about the craft, and this whole place is a circus. 529 00:22:57,584 --> 00:22:58,683 Yeah, I... I... 530 00:22:58,708 --> 00:23:00,924 You really think Chris Rock would stand out there 531 00:23:00,949 --> 00:23:02,967 and wait for some teenager to validate 532 00:23:02,992 --> 00:23:05,169 his existence with a precious booking? 533 00:23:05,748 --> 00:23:08,475 Chris Rock doesn't work at a Cold Stone Creamery, right? 534 00:23:08,923 --> 00:23:11,600 I mean, we take the opportunities as they come. 535 00:23:11,600 --> 00:23:13,408 - We can't pick and choose. - Mm-hmm. 536 00:23:13,433 --> 00:23:16,093 I really... I'm sorry you didn't book. 537 00:23:16,517 --> 00:23:17,831 But, you know... 538 00:23:18,528 --> 00:23:21,141 it's not... you didn't exactly play ball. 539 00:23:21,617 --> 00:23:22,725 Excuse me? 540 00:23:23,124 --> 00:23:26,763 You're up there swearing, and you told rape jokes. 541 00:23:26,809 --> 00:23:29,642 Oh! I was doing my act! 542 00:23:29,642 --> 00:23:31,975 - No, I know... - And it was an anti-rape joke, 543 00:23:31,975 --> 00:23:33,392 if you were even listening. 544 00:23:33,392 --> 00:23:34,975 Yeah, see? 'Cause, what I do is, 545 00:23:34,975 --> 00:23:38,517 I use that opportunity to make young people feel less alone, 546 00:23:38,517 --> 00:23:40,196 as opposed to what you did, 547 00:23:40,221 --> 00:23:42,809 which was, um, take a shit on the stage. 548 00:23:43,439 --> 00:23:46,699 How can you say that? We're not here to change lives. 549 00:23:46,724 --> 00:23:48,349 We're here to change our lives. 550 00:23:48,388 --> 00:23:51,642 They just said, don't say "rape," and you open with rape. 551 00:23:51,642 --> 00:23:55,350 I don't care what they said. I know what kind of stand-up I should do! 552 00:23:55,350 --> 00:23:58,000 I don't need someone else dictating my act! 553 00:23:58,047 --> 00:24:00,809 Read the situation. This wasn't the time to take a stand 554 00:24:00,809 --> 00:24:02,933 and try and change lives. We're trying to get work. 555 00:24:02,933 --> 00:24:04,975 Do you know what it was like for me to watch 556 00:24:04,975 --> 00:24:07,850 my boyfriend up there sucking NACA's dick? 557 00:24:07,850 --> 00:24:10,740 We're supposed to suck NACA's dick, that's why we came here! 558 00:24:10,769 --> 00:24:13,308 You came here to suck NACA's dick, suck NACA's dick! 559 00:24:13,308 --> 00:24:15,938 Honestly? Honestly? You're disgusting. 560 00:24:16,123 --> 00:24:19,390 I don't need advice from you on how to book, Pete, okay? 561 00:24:19,475 --> 00:24:22,267 Well, I'm sorry. If you're so above this, why did you come, 562 00:24:22,267 --> 00:24:24,100 if you don't wanna gas it up a little bit? 563 00:24:24,100 --> 00:24:27,684 I came here to book. I came here to try to turn this into a career. 564 00:24:27,684 --> 00:24:29,850 I don't wanna be a fucking open miker! 565 00:24:29,850 --> 00:24:31,267 - Mm-hmm. - Do you? 566 00:24:31,267 --> 00:24:34,016 Yes! That's my dream! 567 00:24:34,016 --> 00:24:35,127 Okay. 568 00:24:36,403 --> 00:24:39,392 I don't... Can we... Can we back this up a little bit? 569 00:24:39,392 --> 00:24:42,100 I'm... I'm sorry. 570 00:24:42,100 --> 00:24:43,433 Okay? I really am. 571 00:24:43,433 --> 00:24:46,725 I'm sorry that it didn't go your way. I thought it would. 572 00:24:47,069 --> 00:24:49,197 I thought you were great. Okay? 573 00:24:49,252 --> 00:24:52,767 But, you know, I booked. 574 00:24:52,767 --> 00:24:55,592 That's... That's some... That's good for us. 575 00:24:55,891 --> 00:24:56,916 Listen. 576 00:24:58,399 --> 00:25:01,559 I'm probably gonna need somebody to open for me, if you want to... 577 00:25:01,559 --> 00:25:05,100 [SCOFFS] Someone to open for you? 578 00:25:05,100 --> 00:25:07,475 - Something we can... - Fuck you! 579 00:25:07,475 --> 00:25:10,778 - Come on, I... - Throw yourself on a fucking fire, Pete. 580 00:25:16,225 --> 00:25:17,435 Fuck. 581 00:25:17,850 --> 00:25:19,891 [TOILET FLUSHING] 582 00:25:19,891 --> 00:25:21,438 Hey, we leave in five. 583 00:25:22,016 --> 00:25:24,809 Also, can you call downstairs and tell 'em we never got any robes? 584 00:25:26,016 --> 00:25:28,440 What are you... you stealing robes? 585 00:25:29,100 --> 00:25:30,842 Yeah, I take a lot of baths. 586 00:25:31,100 --> 00:25:33,725 ? 587 00:25:42,378 --> 00:25:44,433 - Hey. - Hey. 588 00:25:45,714 --> 00:25:47,298 We're gonna get going soon. 589 00:25:49,100 --> 00:25:50,407 You okay? 590 00:25:51,141 --> 00:25:52,486 Um... 591 00:25:54,600 --> 00:25:56,283 Yeah, I guess, I'm fine. 592 00:25:58,445 --> 00:26:01,975 You know, the first time I did a NACA, I bombed really hard. 593 00:26:02,233 --> 00:26:03,900 [SCOFFS] All right. 594 00:26:03,925 --> 00:26:06,572 No, I'm serious. Like, I was standing in the booth, 595 00:26:06,597 --> 00:26:08,659 and there was a juggler near me and a hypnotist, 596 00:26:08,684 --> 00:26:10,475 and they're just showing off, 597 00:26:10,475 --> 00:26:13,517 and I was like, well, I just talk, you know? 598 00:26:13,802 --> 00:26:16,642 Well, you know, things worked out for you, so... 599 00:26:18,912 --> 00:26:21,341 You don't wanna be good at this thing, though. 600 00:26:21,995 --> 00:26:23,809 You're not a can of Coke. 601 00:26:24,086 --> 00:26:25,350 You have a different path. 602 00:26:26,909 --> 00:26:29,879 There's certain comics that know this world 603 00:26:29,933 --> 00:26:33,475 and... but then sometimes, they're stuck in it. 604 00:26:34,937 --> 00:26:38,476 And that's kind of creepy. 605 00:26:40,938 --> 00:26:42,266 What happened to your voice? 606 00:26:42,813 --> 00:26:43,863 What do you mean? 607 00:26:43,933 --> 00:26:46,221 I mean, you always sound like Kermit the Frog 608 00:26:46,246 --> 00:26:47,664 just got kicked in the nuts. 609 00:26:47,689 --> 00:26:51,016 - [LAUGHS] I guess so. - Right now, you just sound like a human. 610 00:26:52,183 --> 00:26:53,478 What's up with that? 611 00:26:54,850 --> 00:26:56,065 What's up with that? 612 00:26:57,680 --> 00:26:58,975 Are you doing me? 613 00:26:59,936 --> 00:27:01,376 - Really? - Mm-hmm. 614 00:27:01,401 --> 00:27:03,100 That's, like, such a compliment. 615 00:27:03,104 --> 00:27:05,237 - [LAUGHS] - You're easy. 616 00:27:05,273 --> 00:27:07,206 [LAUGHS] 617 00:27:07,241 --> 00:27:09,374 Just like someone stepped on a cat. 618 00:27:09,410 --> 00:27:10,792 [LAUGHS] 619 00:27:11,578 --> 00:27:13,879 It's okay. I'm an acquired taste. 620 00:27:14,788 --> 00:27:16,292 MELISSA: That's pretty good. 621 00:27:17,051 --> 00:27:19,185 ? 622 00:27:25,258 --> 00:27:27,626 "All right, all right, all right. 623 00:27:28,529 --> 00:27:30,466 - All right." - Is that McConaughey? 624 00:27:31,332 --> 00:27:33,532 - Yeah. - That's good. 625 00:27:34,768 --> 00:27:37,268 CHICKEN WING: All right, I'm Matthew McConaughey. 626 00:27:37,304 --> 00:27:38,603 [MELISSA LAUGHS] 627 00:27:38,639 --> 00:27:41,389 MELISSA: "I'm Matthew McConaughey. Gotta find my surfboard." 628 00:27:41,634 --> 00:27:43,224 Pete, you got Holy Cross. 629 00:27:43,469 --> 00:27:45,368 - I did? - Congrats. 630 00:27:46,306 --> 00:27:47,422 Congrats. 631 00:27:47,808 --> 00:27:49,958 - Thanks. - That's awesome. Congrats. 632 00:27:51,640 --> 00:27:52,818 Thanks. 633 00:27:54,447 --> 00:27:58,302 Let's, uh, we can... We'll catch up later. 634 00:27:59,085 --> 00:28:00,192 All right. 635 00:28:01,053 --> 00:28:03,087 MELISSA: "The law says you cannot touch..." 636 00:28:03,122 --> 00:28:04,168 [PHONE BUZZING] 637 00:28:04,193 --> 00:28:06,996 see a lot of lawbreakers out there. 638 00:28:11,631 --> 00:28:13,970 "I'm starting a buyer's club in Dallas." 639 00:28:14,705 --> 00:28:15,765 Good news? 640 00:28:17,005 --> 00:28:18,191 Yeah, you know... 641 00:28:21,326 --> 00:28:23,175 It was a good, yeah. 642 00:28:23,210 --> 00:28:24,976 - That's good. - "I'm a true detective..." 643 00:28:25,012 --> 00:28:27,584 - Yeah. - That's awesome. 644 00:28:29,258 --> 00:28:30,482 Thanks. 645 00:28:30,901 --> 00:28:32,934 MELISSA: "All right, all right, all right." 646 00:28:37,185 --> 00:28:38,925 "I gotta get through this wormhole" 647 00:28:39,302 --> 00:28:42,062 "to meet my daughter and send her a message through books." 648 00:28:43,392 --> 00:28:46,993 "Message, I need to send her a message through books." 649 00:28:48,861 --> 00:28:50,369 "I drive a Lincoln." 650 00:28:50,403 --> 00:28:52,385 [LAUGHING] 651 00:28:55,258 --> 00:28:57,141 - "I love a Lincoln." - "Dallas Buyers." 652 00:28:57,176 --> 00:28:59,813 "People 'round here call me Mud." 653 00:28:59,838 --> 00:29:03,840 ? Every day it's a-getting closer ? 654 00:29:03,877 --> 00:29:07,512 ? Going faster than a roller coaster ? 655 00:29:07,548 --> 00:29:12,783 ? Love like yours will surely come my way ? 656 00:29:12,818 --> 00:29:14,952 ? A-hey, a-hey, hey ? 657 00:29:14,987 --> 00:29:18,689 ? Every day it's a-getting faster ? 658 00:29:18,724 --> 00:29:22,593 ? Everyone said go ahead and ask her ? 659 00:29:22,628 --> 00:29:27,597 ? Love like yours will surely come my way ? 660 00:29:27,632 --> 00:29:30,133 ? A-hey, a-hey, hey ? 661 00:29:30,168 --> 00:29:33,669 ? Every day seems a little longer ? 662 00:29:33,705 --> 00:29:37,540 ? Every way love's a little stronger ? 663 00:29:37,576 --> 00:29:41,711 ? Come what may do you ever long for ? 664 00:29:41,746 --> 00:29:44,946 ? True love from me? ? 665 00:29:44,982 --> 00:29:48,950 ? Every day, it's a-getting closer ? 666 00:29:48,986 --> 00:29:52,588 ? Going faster than a roller coaster ? 667 00:29:52,623 --> 00:29:54,156 ? Love like yours ? 668 00:29:54,191 --> 00:29:56,291 ? Will surely come my ? 669 00:29:56,327 --> 00:29:58,026 ? Love like yours ? 670 00:29:58,061 --> 00:29:59,194 ? Will surely ? 671 00:29:59,230 --> 00:30:01,863 ? Come my way ? 672 00:30:01,913 --> 00:30:06,463 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 49553

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