All language subtitles for Crashing s02e05 Too Good.eng

If you get food
from a food truck

that isn't good,
you go up to complain it,

they're, like,
three blocks away.

Your jokes are funnier now
that they're not my problem.

(JESS LAUGHS)

My boyfriend and I,
we just took our relationship

to the next level...

-We broke up.
-(LAUGHS)

PETE HOLMES: That was great.
Did you get your tape?

Oh, uh... no. I hate this place.
It's like a haunted ski lodge.

(DRUNKENLY) I think
you should take me home.

(LAUGHS INCREDULOUSLY)

(SNORES)

ALI: Definitely, you know,
take a minute or two

to get your stuff together.

-(SHRIEKS, GASPS)
-Hey.

Do you understand
how creepy it is

that you're still in my space?

PETE: What was it about him?

WHITNEY CUMMINGS: He's just got
this, like, star quality.

Some people are just
born with it.

Or maybe they get it later.

-I don't know.
-(SIGHS) I don't think so.

Great live comedy show?

(indistinct chatter)

Great live comedy?
(bicycle bell rings)

Great live comedy.

Great live show.

Great live show.

(horns honking)

Appreciate it.
Appreciate it. You got a napkin?

Yeah, of course.
You got a lot of napkins.

Kenny:
I'm a napkin guy.

Keith:
Here you go. Oh, thank you.

Hey. Lucas Brothers.

What up?
I'm-- I'm a really big fan.

It's really nice--
I'm a fan of both of you guys.

Well, it would be
kind of weird if you were a just fan of...

one of us.
Yeah, we haven't released any solo records yet.

(laughs)
But thanks, man.

I'm a comic.
Well, I'm trying to be.

All right.
They got me actually-- I'm handing out flyers

for the comedy club
the Boston.

I mean, if you guys
wanna go up,

the show's working right now
if you wanna pop on.

You wanna go to the Boston?

No. No, no, no.
Kenny: No.

Keith: No.
I-- I don't understand.

It-- Why?

Here's the thing, man.
We don't really perform in places like that.

Places like... what?

Comedy clubs?

Dude, we don't do clubs.
No. No, we're alt-guys.

You know what I mean?
We're alternative comics.

Alternative clubs.
Yes.

I-- Everybody's told me
that you gotta get in at the clubs,

gotta get your foot in and--
it's rough, but you grind out,

you get a little bit better
every day, right? I mean--

I guess, but there's
some crowds you don't wanna kill for,

and if you stay in clubs
like that, you might become a comic like that.

Kenny: I mean,
I kinda feel like there are comedians

who called people "fag"
in high school...

Mm-hmm.
...then there are comedians who got called "fag."

That's right. That's right.
And the alt-scene

is for the comedians
who got called "fag."

Did you?

Get called "fa--"
yeah.

Yeah.
See?

On the way here,
actually. Keith: Of course.

Lucas Brothers:
There you go. Kenny: Say no more.

We got to-- we got to go.
We got a bit, man.

Okay.
Good luck, man.

I-- Really, thank you.

♪ ♪

Hey, Jay.
What's up, buddy?

Um, I was wondering
if it's okay, uh,

I thought
maybe tomorrow night you'd be okay without me.

Without you?
Yeah, I just-- I--

You mean take the night off?
I wanna take the night off if that's okay.

Off? Yeah, of course.
Why not take tomorrow night off? Sure, of course.

Since we work at Jamba Juice,
just have Becky cover your shift.

Pete, this is comedy.
You gotta get up every night, man.

No, I'm gonna go
to a comedy show.

I'm gonna go.
It's just-- I'm not-- I don't wanna come here.

Oh.
I-- I wanna go to the alt-scene.

Oh, the alt-scene.
Yeah.

Oh good. Okay.
All right. Well, yeah, no, sure.

I mean, if you wanna
go watch a pack of nerds

lightly tickle the audience
with a feather, suit yourself.

Sorry, I... I just want
to do something--

Have you been
to an alt-show? Have I been?

I've been
to a Chinese restaurant

where a show broke out
that was alternative to funny,

just five guys in glasses
in flannels talking about their journaling.

Have I witnessed
that brand of comedy terrorism? Yeah, I've seen that.

No thanks.
I don't need to see five brats from Williamsburg

shitting on whatever the hell
their parents handed them.

You-- Okay, I'm just letting
you know, tomorrow night...

Yeah.
...someone else can take my corner.

Sure. Absolutely.
I'd happily fill your slot.

It'll be waiting for you
when you come back in the year 2090

after you're done fake-laughing
at Morrissey references

and sipping Pabst Blue Ribbon
out of a paper bag,

you fucking wuss!

♪ ♪

Do you wanna come?
It sounds like you wanna come.

♪ ♪

(bell jingles)

Jo:
Uh, I found out-- I turned 30,

I realized, you know,
everything's pretty easy.

There's no--
there's no gray areas.

It's all pretty
black and white.

(laughter)

Jo:
Anyways, so...

if you need any advice,
just let me know.

Like, for example,
I got into the elevator the other day,

I was alone, and so I farted,
which is legal, you know?

But I-- I got out
at the lobby,

and then someone I knew came
into that same elevator car.

Now, that's a tricky situation,
'cause the doors are closing,

buttons are being pushed.
I mean, what can you do?

You know, and so then--
so what can you do?

You send an email, you know?

Subject: "I'm sorry."

Body: "It was me."

(laughter)
"My body-- my body did that."

So anyway, guys,
I think this was really helpful for you,

and thank you guys
so much.

Keep it going
for Lizzy, everybody.

(cheers, applause)

Guys, keep it going for Jo!

She popped out
her Invisalign for this!

(playing discordant notes)

This is a nice,
intimate room.

Do you think Abraham Lincoln
liked the play he was watching,

or was he like,
"Somebody put me out of my misery?"

(playing discordant notes)
(laughter)

Uh, I have to say
out of all the addresses,

my favorite address
is Gettysburg

and my least favorite address
is, "Hey, bitches."

(playing discordant notes)
Don't address me that way!

I thought
we were friends.

(laughter)
(playing discordant notes)

All right, are we ready
for our next act?

(cheers, applause)
I am so excited.

Please welcome to the stage
the hilarious Ali Reissen!

(cheering)

Woo!
Ali: Thank you.

Lizzy Cooperman,
there she is.

Best topknot
in Brooklyn.

Fun fact about Lizzy:
she studied piano at Juilliard.

She was taught
by Cookie Monster.

(laughter)

Do you guys
like impressions?

Man: Woo!
Okay, cool.

So, okay, here's my first one.

This is my impression
of a pretentious orphan.

Okay, this is
a pretentious orphan. (laughs)

Do you know
who my father is?

(laughter)

Okay, this is my impression
of Meryl Streep...

Sorry.
...trying to take a compliment.

(indistinct chatter)

Ali:
Are you okay?

You seem a little...

(indistinct chatter)

Hey, Ali.

Hey.
Pete.

Yeah. Hang on one sec.

Pete from the other night.
Yeah. Hey.

Great set.
Thank you.

Killer.
Thank you.

Really. I haven't--

You owned the room.
Oh, thank you.

Really funny.
Thanks.

Still trying
to... make a tape? Yes. Yeah.

Yeah, you know.

It can be hard.
I just-- I feel like I'm a lot more natural

when I'm not taping myself.

Curse of the tape.
Yeah.

Sorry about the other,
uh, other day. Yes!

Really glad
you said something. Right?

Yeah.
If it's any consultation--

"Lation."
Consolation.

(giggles) Yeah.
"Consultation" is for...

hair.
Yeah, yeah, if I could give you a brief consultation...

(laughs) Please don't.
Uh, I'm new at all this.

I-I-- I know it might have
seemed a little creepier than I intended it.

Yeah.
I-- so, I...

Are sorry.
You're sorry. I-- I are sorry.

(laughs) You are sorry.
Toys "R" Us. I are sorry.

(laughs) Okay.
And... wow.

Yeah. I'm also sorry.
I-- We both could've

been our better selves
in that situation, so I'm sorry, too.

I'm also sorry 'cause I truly
do have to run right now.

Oh.
I have a show.

Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, so...

No problem.
It was good-- I-- Okay. Yeah.

Have--
Unless... Do you wanna come with me to my show?

Now?
Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah. To my show?

All right.
I would love to come, love to see another show.

Okay, guys,
I gotta go.

Bye, great to see you.
Very funny.

You were so funny.
Oh, thanks.

I love your long shirt,
that's cool.

Thanks.
Okay, yeah, don't talk to them.

♪ ♪

(rattling)

I feel--
I feel like if an elf...

If an elf trips
at the North Pole,

they give him
a candy cane.

Uh... oh.

It's sad but sweet.
Sad-- Yeah, 'cause he's a little disabled.

It's the only candy based
on medical equipment.

Yeah, right?
That's like, um...

That's like a dad joke.

I like Dad jokes.
No, I-- That does not surprise me.

That's completely your vibe.
You're kind of like a...

You're kind
of like a dorky dad at a barbecue.

That's kind of your essence.
Like a Tom Arnold character in the '90s.

Yeah. Yes!

To be honest,
of all the things I could be,

I don't mind being
a fun... like, a fun dad.

Can I have that?
Yeah.

I may?
Yeah. My gift to you.

Is this, um...
Is this your last spot or you doing--

No, I have this one
and then, um, two more after.

Two, really?
(laughs) Yeah.

In one night?
Yeah.

Wow. My record
in one night is, uh, is one.

Are you serious?
Yeah.

I can't even think--
I don't know four places in the same night to go up.

That's insane.
Why do you live in the city?

That's the whole point
of New York,

is you can, like, bounce
around to different spots.

How long have
you been doing comedy?

Uh, well, short answer,
three years,

but I've been more focused
the past couple of months.

My, uh, my wife,
I was--

Your wife?
My ex-wife. Sorry.

Whoa. Okay.
Yeah.

Wow. All right.
You're not an adulteress.

Okay. good.
(laughs) She is.

Oh! Oh no.
Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah. (laughs)

Both:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's fine,
it's fine, it's fine. She, uh, she had an affair--

there was a whole thing--
and because I'm now single,

for the first time in my life,
I'm doing a lot more sets.

Totally. You channel
the pain into performing.

But I also--
I totally get that.

Is-- Why did you
get into stand-up?

I don't know. My parents,
they work together,

and they both cheated
on each other. Yeah.

So, it was like
this really weird household.

Actually, I kind
of tried to start talking about this on stage.

But my--
so, my mom was cheating on my dad with this guy

who had a really long,
gross, gray ponytail,

like a sex commune ponytail.
It was braided into a tip. You know what I mean?

Oh no.
He wore a lot of turquoise jewelry.

It was really rough.
And I didn't know that that was happening,

but I did notice that my dad
started to try to grow his own ponytail,

but he couldn't,
his hair just doesn't do that,

so he had this little,
like, broccoli floret.

But he did it for your mom?
He did it to get my mom back.

Woo!
Yeah, so that'll fuck you up for good,

and make you go
into stand-up.

Your parents
are still together? Unfortunately.

Yeah, really,
they're hanging on by a thread--

not even a--
not even something as thick as a thread.

A ponytail.
A thin, wiry ponytail. (laughs loudly)

That's not a train laugh.
I need to hold it in. (chuckles)

♪ ♪

Will:
Let's give a nice shout out to Kenny DeForest

for quitting
high school basketball. Man: Yeah.

Hey, also, keep it going
for black Bart Simpson, everybody.

I think this guy is
really something special. (laughter)

Give it up
for adult Bart Simpson. (laughs)

Will:
Give it up for Lisa. (laughter)

Oh shit. Ali brought
this Paul Bunyan-looking motherfucker through.

He just got cut
by the Utah Jazz, man.

Hey, Jimmy Jones'
nephew, everybody, invented the chest pass.

America's first center.

Clark:
Do it like your daddy.

Is this even legal?
I mean, it's like a college party.

Will: I like how
everyone in the crowd--

At my college,
we didn't have parties.

We had prayer parties.

Some times we'd--
we'd swing dance.

Fun excuse
to touch a lady's waist.

I bet they'd
put you up, actually.

(laughter)

Really? Uh, yeah.

Ali:
Yeah, like five minutes.

Oh! Hi, Guinevere!
Oh! Hi!

How's it going?
Have you up in two.

Okay, cool.
Who's this tall drink of vodka soda?

Do I know you?
I feel like I know you. Have we met before?

I-- I don't think so.
I'm a comedian.

I-- I'm Pete.
Hmm. Why don't I know you?

I-- I don't know.
Is-- this is your room? You book this room?

Yeah. Yeah.
And Whiplash, Bar Chooch, and the Candle Factory.

I mean--
I don't know what those words are.

Are you from out of town?

No, no, he lives here.

Uh, yeah.
He could-- he could probably go up if you guys have room.

Only if you have room.
Hmm. We'll see.

Efron! I'm counting
your Michelobs.

(laughter)
I do have body dysmorphia.

I think I get it
from my grandma.

She always told me
that I had cankles.

She was like,
"You have cankles,"

which if you don't know
what that is,

it's part calf, part ankle.

Also you can throw
my thighs in the mix.

I have thankles.
And, uh--

and my grandmother
said that to me,

and I was like,
"Oh, that's crazy,

'cause, Grandma,
you have mount."

She's like, "What is that?"
I'm like, "That's 'mouth' mixed with 'cunt.'

You have cunt mouth."

Do you guys
like impressions? Great. Here we go.

They say that
cockroaches will survive the nuclear holocaust.

So-- so what is in Raid...

that's worse
than a nuclear holocaust?

(laughter)

And should I be
keeping it in the pantry next to my dry goods?

(laughter)

Sorry. I know this is weird
for a comedian to say,

but I'm not used
to laughing. (all laugh)

I should--
I should take you with me to other clubs,

so you should see
how that joke normally does.

Man: Woo!
(laughter)

I-- I don't know. This is--
I-- I don't have kids.

I was talking
with a friend of mine. I don't-- I don't have kids,

but doesn't it
kinda feel like I do?

(light laughter)
Man: Yeah!

Yeah, I don't have any,
but I kinda feel like a-- like an embarrassing dad,

like a dorky--
like an embarrassing dad at a barbecue,

just kinda going up
to the kids, going... (dorky laugh)

"Fresca!" Like that.
(laughter)

He's funny, right?

He'll be funny
in three years.

♪ ♪

Man:
A girlfriend of mine made me--

Yeah.
That was so fun.

You had a great set.
Yeah, it was--

That was like
the best set I've ever had.

Really? That's awesome.
Yes.

Thank you.
Yeah, of course.

What about you?
That was a great set.

Did you
you get your tape? Nah. I flubbed a bit.

God, I wish
I had taped mine.

I did.

Yeah, I just left
it running.

What?
Really, it was fine. It's so easy.

Thank you.
You're so welcome.

(audience laughs)

♪ ♪

♪ I wonder how you look
when you sleep ♪

♪ Do you still dream
about girls from your street? ♪

♪ Do you still dream about girls
from high school? ♪

♪ Do you still dream
about girls, girls, girls? ♪

So what? Where next?

We're going to Rififi.

Oh! Rififi!

Say it again.
(scoffs)

Do you think
they'll let me up or-- Nope.

(laughs)
I've created a monster.

They will not let you up.
It took me like two years to get in there.

Really?
Yup.

You know, when I was married,
I used to do mikes in the city,

and I would send her photos
of the Empire State building

to show her what color
it was that night. (chuckles)

This is a good one.

(boat horn blares)

Is that your flirt strategy,

just bringing up
your ex-wife?

(laughs)

No, I-- I--
It's fine. It's fine.

It's quite a dick pick.
Yes.

What did she text back?
Just like... a photo of the Holland Tunnel?

(laughs)
No, she wasn't--

She wasn't really--
She didn't do bits.

Hmm.

(clicks tongue)
That's a bummer.

I'm-- I'm sorry.
I'm just kind of getting used to being a divorcé.

I'm a divorcé.

I don't think
that's a great word for it. It sounds like a happy thing,

like fiancé,
Beyoncé, or Kanye.

These are happy--
Right, right. It's a happy--

It feels like it should be
a happy word.

Than... (deep voice)
"Oh, I'm a divorcé."

(laughs)
(normal voice) Like a pile of laundry.

waiting to be cleaned.
(laughs)

♪ ♪

I never really noticed
that it changed.

That's Caribbean Week.
It's my favorite.

(laughs)
Of course you have a favorite.

(audience laughs)

You know,
Oprah Winfrey-- you would think

out of all the years,
the most powerful lady, richest,

but I've never in my life
have ever heard of another child named Oprah.

(laughter)
Have you though? I mean, have you ever?

Something to think about.
Man 2: I mean, I bet there is one.

But where?
I guess you could-- But where?

I mean,
I would guess Maryland. Alex. Let me ask.

Alex, is there
more Oprahs

out there other than
the main Oprah?

Alex.
(laughter)

You guys ready
for 30-second stand-up comedy?

Let's hear it!
(cheering)

One, two, three, four!
All: ♪ 30 seconds, 30 seconds ♪

♪ 30 seconds of stand-up ♪

♪ 30 seconds, 30 seconds ♪

♪ 30 seconds of stand-up ♪

Comedy in...
Go, Eugene, go!

Um, a friend of mine
recently told me that when we were in elementary school,

our teacher told her
to not be my friend

because I was a loser.

(laughter)

Eugene:
And then to prove-- (whispers) I got a good spot.

Oh, thank you.
Yeah, it's gonna be great.

Oh, cool.
Eugene: Showed her my test scores--

You okay?
Uh, not really.

I was supposed to go up next,
but John Mulaney just dropped in,

so now I'm probably
gonna miss Whiplash.

Oh.
It's really shitty.

Shit. Maybe--
Yeah.

Is there something
we can do?

(sighs) It's fine.
I'll figure it out.

I know that if you wanted
to show that I was bad at math,

it'd be very easy,
but what's the test that shows you're a loser?

Like, was the question like,
"What's your favorite food?"

And I was like,
"Sour cream."

(laughter)
"Who's your favorite band?" "My rabbi."

"If you could be friends
with anyone living or dead,

who would it be?"
"Henry Kissinger."

(laughter)

Eugene:
See? (cheers, applause)

Yeah, you want
to try something?

Bobby: There's something
new I've been doing for the last five years,

Eugene: Yeah?
Bobby: But this is called a friendship call...

I'm sorry.
Excuse me, John.

Hello. My friend, Ali Reissen.
Do you know her?

No.
She's a very, very funny comedian.

She was gonna go next,
but then you bumped her,

which is obviously fine.

But we were just wondering
if you could go after her,

'cause she has
a spot that she has to get to after this.

I can't do that.
I have a 10:45 spot.

That's the only reason
I asked to bump her.

It would mean a lot to her.
It would mean a lot to me.

I'm a huge--
it's-- you're like our comedy Kennedy.

This is exciting for me.
I'm a really big fan.

Oh! So you didn't hear
what I just said.

No, I heard you.
I'm just wondering--

The reason I bumped her
is 'cause I need something.

To undo the bump
would be to take away the thing I want.

Why would I do that?
And who are you in all this?

And what are you to her
that you walk over to me on her behalf?

No, I'm trying--
I'm trying to impress her.

I-- I'm-- I'm a comic.

Great. Do you have
a business card?

No, I--
That was a put-down.

I'm sorry.
My dad just told me

if you want something,
you gotta ask for it.

Oh.
So, I saw you--

Your dad sounds
like an idiot.

Is he like
a salt-of-the-earth type person?

Hi. What's going on?

Are you Ali?
What are you doing? I am. Hi.

I am very sorry
for bumping you,

but I have to get
somewhere, so--

I was just seeing if he would
swap with you so you could get to your show on time.

We're talking about it.
N-- oh, I'm-- I'm so sorry.

I did not ask him--
Oh, you don't have to apologize.

I fully know it's him.

Yeah. Can I...

(audience laughs)

What are you doing?
What do you mean?

I-- I'm trying to help.
But... I didn't ask you to.

I-- I'm sorry.
Right, but if I wanted him to switch,

I would've just
asked him to switch.

I didn't need you to step in
and Suge Knight the situation.

I didn't hit him with an SUV.
I'm trying to help you with your problem.

It's kinda not how
this works, Pete.

Okay.
So...

I just--
It's fine.

I know. I'm sorry.
It's fine.

(laughter)

I was walking
on West 12th Street--

I was downtown,
I was on West 12th Street,

and I was downtown.
I was walking one afternoon. I was downtown.

I'm walking towards this guy,
he's walking towards me,

and we're downtown.
And as he walks past me,

he's on his cell phone,
and I hear him say,

"No, no, no,
I can't meet right now. I'm way uptown."

And then he looked at me,
he winked, and he kept walking.

The greatest person
I've ever met in my whole life.

Greatest person I've ever--
he should be declared mayor of New York City.

Automatic mayor,
even if he's had a sex scandal, which he probably has

if that's how
he conducts himself on a day-to-day basis,

if he's lying about
his whereabouts at two o'clock in the afternoon on a Wednesday

while eye-high-fiving
random guys on the street. (laughter)

Man:
Please put your hands together for Ali Reissen, everybody!

(cheering)

How are you?
I'm wearing overalls. Take it in.

(laughter)
I always feel, like-- when I wear overalls,

I feel like
a hipster toddler.

You know? "Mommy,
can we pwease listen to Chance da Wapper?"

(laughs loudly)
(laughter)

Do you guys
like impressions?

(cheering)
Cool.

This is Meryl Streep trying
to take a compliment.

So it's... Meryl Streep,
she's really trying to take a compliment. Here we go.

Here we go.

Oh! Oh! No!

No! No!

No, no, no!

You, you, you, you, you!
(laughing loudly)

You, you, you!

You, you, you, you! No!
Too good!

You, you! You!
Pete: Too good!

Too good!
You! You make the best guacamole!

You!
(cheers, applause)

Oh!

♪ ♪

(beeps)

Ali (on video):
This is Meryl Streep trying to take a compliment.

(Pete laughing
loudly on video) (audience laughs)

Pete:
Too good!

It's a good set.

(Pete laughs loudly)
Ali (on video): No! No! No!

Is that you?

Ali (on video): No! No! No!
I-- I mean...

Is that your laugh?
Pete (on video): Too good!

Ali: Are you saying,
"Too good"? You, you, you!

Yeah, I think that's--
that's me. I must've been right by the camera.

Your laugh
just ruined my tape.

Pete (on video):
Too good!

Ali (on video):
You! You! (beeps)

I-- I thought
laughing loud would help--

would help to get
the crowd going.

I-I--
Getting them going? What are you talking about?

They were amazing!
You can't even hear them, though, over you!

I'm so sorry.
Oh my God.

I--
Fucking sucks, man.

That sucks.
That sucks.

Sorry, but, you know,
we got Whiplash, we got another one.

We'll get a good tape
from there. No.

You still have a shot.
We still-- We can do this.

Pete.
What?

I think
we should call it.

Okay, I--
I fucked up. I fucked up.

Yeah.
And I just-- let me make it right.

I'll set up the camera.
I'll set up the camera. I don't-- you're not--

Pete, I appreciate
the sentiment.

I don't need your help
in this pursuit.

I just wanna get
my tape.

I was so close,
and it's fucked,

and that sucks,

so just let me
go do my thing.

I won't laugh.
I'll laugh normal. I'll laugh like...

(laughs)
These are fun, silly laughs. Pete--

I hear what you're--
I hear what you're saying!

I don't need your help
with Mulaney!

I don't need
your help with my tape. I'm great on my own.

I know I fucked up with Mulaney.
I'm so good, and I don't resent you.

I'm fine!

(brakes screech)

(man sighs)
Come on.

Conductor (on P.A.):
Sorry, ladies and gentlemen,

there's maintenance
on the train ahead.

We have a delay on the track,
and we should be moving again momentarily.

(indistinct chatter)

(mutters)
Shit.

Hey.
Seriously?

I know. Would it be okay
to help you right now?

What?
The last stop was Union Square, right?

This-- this is
almost 6th Avenue.

That means we're
only a few blocks away.

We're in the middle
of a tunnel.

We're not. I can see
the station from here.

Just forget it.
Please just go away. Look.

Just go!

You don't have
to like me.

I get it. I understand.
Just let me help you

and you never have
to see me again.

I just wanna get you
to your show, okay?

♪ ♪

Let me...
let me fix this.

Okay.
Yes, yes.

Okay.
Just follow me. (mutters)

(scoffs)

♪ ♪

Ali:
Ah! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

What are you doing?
I saw this in John Wick 2.

(grunts)
Oh my God.

Ali:
Oh shit.

(grunts)

Whoa!

(laughing)

Ali:
Go, go, go, go, go!

(man speaks indistinctly)
(audience laughs)

All right, folks.
She's hilarious, and she's here.

Ali Reissen, everybody!

(cheers, applause)

Sorry I'm late.

Oh boy. I'm winded.

(sighs, breathes hard)
Hey.

How are you guys?
(cheering)

Nice. Nice. I-I have
a roommate... still.

Yeah. Anybody else
compromising their living situations?

(applause)
Okay, yeah! She told me that she grew up

believing that women
lose their virginity

whenever their hymen breaks.

And I'm like, "That's crazy.
Like, if that's the case,

"I lost my virginity
when I was at gymnastics camp,

when I was 11 years old,
and I slept with my coach."

So I don't know--
was it very successful? (laughter)

Do you guys
like impressions?

♪ ♪

♪ I can hold out ♪

♪ My luck is bound to change ♪

♪ One of these days ♪

It's too good.
It's too good!

Pete:
Don't.

Too good!
No, no, no, no!

♪ There's nothing upon me ♪

♪ And I've got to... ♪

It's laundry day.
(laughter)

A lot of guys
will try to fight me,

'cause I'm stealing
their jobs.

A guy said, "I'm gonna
tear you a new asshole."

(laughter)

And I said, "I'm a robot.
I don't have an asshole.

So maybe that
would be good."

I think the Transformers
franchise is racist.

(laughter)

It's a bunch of my people,
ashamed of who they are,

pretending
they're inanimate.

And they're
always like, "Joe...

we're just doing that
so humans aren't scared."

And I'm like,
"Well, you should've thought of that

"before you turned
into monsters

"and destroyed
all those cities with your fistfights.

(laughter)
"'Cause the secret's out.

You don't have to be
a truck anymore."

♪ ♪
(laughter)

♪ There's nothing upon me ♪

I got Rififi.
This is amazing!

I might have put in
a little word.

Ooh! I got a sugar mama.

♪ Ooh ♪

PETE HOLMES: Did you know
about Wayne? He's sick.

We could just do a show
and give him the money.

I'll headline.

I know I'm gonna need
a benefit one day,

so I'm putting out some karma.

PETE:
We got a great show tonight!

WAYNE: When am I going on?

-Fourth.
-Cleanup!

-Right?
-Like the Babe.

That'll do, pig. That'll do.

Yeah, I'm talking about
the baseball guy.

-I know, I know.
-You sure?

Yeah, yeah.

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