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1
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- Oh my God, Peter.
- Sweetest.
2
00:00:03,211 --> 00:00:05,679
What? Who is this?
3
00:00:05,781 --> 00:00:07,654
I'm sorry, I should've
grabbed a bigger towel.
4
00:00:08,989 --> 00:00:11,157
My wife slept with somebody else today.
5
00:00:11,224 --> 00:00:13,323
- Oh boy.
- Yeah, oh boy.
6
00:00:13,519 --> 00:00:15,594
Go write some jokes.
7
00:00:15,663 --> 00:00:17,897
I saw your set. I mean,
top five worst I've ever
8
00:00:17,965 --> 00:00:19,932
seen. You heard what I said, right?
9
00:00:19,975 --> 00:00:21,299
- Wait, that was real?
- Yes.
10
00:00:21,324 --> 00:00:22,402
Oh, dude.
11
00:00:22,542 --> 00:00:23,527
You're upset.
12
00:00:23,558 --> 00:00:26,300
Yes, I'm upset. You stole my wife.
13
00:00:26,333 --> 00:00:28,968
I'm setting you free.
I'm shaking your cage.
14
00:00:29,034 --> 00:00:31,903
You don't belong here anymore.
You know what you're supposed to
15
00:00:31,971 --> 00:00:33,672
- do, so do it.
- Free live comedy tonight.
16
00:00:33,740 --> 00:00:35,427
Look at those. We were going to do is set
17
00:00:35,427 --> 00:00:37,670
tonight. Following the dream.
We were grinding it out.
18
00:00:37,695 --> 00:00:39,352
I'm happy to be with you guys.
19
00:00:40,262 --> 00:00:41,565
What the fuck's wrong with you?
20
00:00:41,590 --> 00:00:42,745
I'm going through a divorce.
21
00:00:42,770 --> 00:00:44,902
- I'm kind of floating around.
- Oh, you're homeless?
22
00:00:44,941 --> 00:00:46,451
- No.
- Do you have a home?
23
00:00:46,551 --> 00:00:48,385
- No.
- I can't. It's so sad.
24
00:00:48,453 --> 00:00:51,569
Don't put your face in this pillow.
Bad shit it happens in this pillow.
25
00:00:51,594 --> 00:00:53,057
This is why we sent you to
26
00:00:53,125 --> 00:00:54,792
Christian camp so these
things wouldn't happen to you.
27
00:00:54,859 --> 00:00:56,967
I did everything I was supposed to.
28
00:00:56,992 --> 00:00:59,827
I didn't drink, I didn't
smoke, I didn't have sex.
29
00:00:59,906 --> 00:01:02,384
- Okay, stop touching my balls.
- Okay.
30
00:01:02,409 --> 00:01:04,210
I'm sorry. This is comedy.
31
00:01:04,277 --> 00:01:07,369
- This is what I want to do.
- Honey, how will you survive?
32
00:01:08,111 --> 00:01:09,515
I have no job. I have no money.
33
00:01:09,583 --> 00:01:11,947
I have nowhere to stay.
I need to be with you.
34
00:01:12,069 --> 00:01:14,237
- I love you so much, Jess.
- Shut up!
35
00:01:14,305 --> 00:01:16,696
I trust Jesus!
36
00:01:17,475 --> 00:01:19,512
Hallelujah!
37
00:01:19,737 --> 00:01:22,038
I'm really excited about
our friendship, man.
38
00:01:22,106 --> 00:01:25,786
We're not friends. We're broke... together.
39
00:01:26,376 --> 00:01:27,559
That's how it starts.
40
00:02:20,188 --> 00:02:22,188
_
41
00:02:33,221 --> 00:02:34,481
_
42
00:02:55,230 --> 00:02:56,715
_
43
00:03:22,885 --> 00:03:25,275
Peter! You have risen.
44
00:03:25,788 --> 00:03:28,288
God! Man, this is my area!
45
00:03:28,427 --> 00:03:31,093
Y... Y... Y... You just
opened a wall of my bedroom.
46
00:03:31,737 --> 00:03:33,776
Even when you're wearing
pants I can see your dick.
47
00:03:34,696 --> 00:03:35,795
Huh.
48
00:03:35,830 --> 00:03:37,197
What do you want?
49
00:03:37,232 --> 00:03:38,365
It's not about what I want,
50
00:03:38,400 --> 00:03:39,665
it's about what I need,
51
00:03:39,701 --> 00:03:41,677
which is a conversation with you, man.
52
00:03:42,504 --> 00:03:45,671
What is the point of us
having this communal existence
53
00:03:45,707 --> 00:03:48,444
if I have no one to commune with, Pete?
54
00:03:49,343 --> 00:03:52,512
Where are you all the time?
You're working or something,
55
00:03:52,547 --> 00:03:54,343
out all night.
56
00:03:54,343 --> 00:03:57,622
You're sleeping, resting,
or something all day.
57
00:03:58,465 --> 00:04:02,386
I'm sorry, I work... I work, yes,
at night, and then I'm out late.
58
00:04:02,460 --> 00:04:05,717
It's not like I'm partying. I'm
doing... I'm following my dream.
59
00:04:05,795 --> 00:04:07,295
And then I don't have time to come home
60
00:04:07,330 --> 00:04:08,896
and also be your best friend.
61
00:04:08,932 --> 00:04:11,605
We can't have an old
couple's argument, man.
62
00:04:11,882 --> 00:04:13,402
You have to pull your weight.
63
00:04:14,424 --> 00:04:16,704
You fucked my wife.
64
00:04:16,861 --> 00:04:18,690
Yes, I fucked your wife, but
65
00:04:18,714 --> 00:04:20,975
that doesn't help pay the bills.
66
00:04:21,010 --> 00:04:23,647
Believe me, I wish it
did, but we gotta work.
67
00:04:30,550 --> 00:04:31,716
Uh, what do you wanna mix in?
68
00:04:31,821 --> 00:04:35,111
Oh, uh, let's, uh... let's
put some gummy bears in there.
69
00:04:35,784 --> 00:04:37,483
Chocolate and gummy bears, okay.
70
00:04:38,794 --> 00:04:40,691
You're... You're really good at this.
71
00:04:43,899 --> 00:04:45,368
- Thanks.
- Here you go.
72
00:04:46,368 --> 00:04:48,478
Oh, please. No, thank you.
73
00:04:49,605 --> 00:04:53,056
If you tip, it's a whole thing.
We have to do, like, a song...
74
00:04:53,475 --> 00:04:55,343
Well, I'll... I'll leave it there.
75
00:04:55,343 --> 00:04:57,309
Oh, guys, we got a tip!
76
00:04:57,345 --> 00:04:58,652
- Ooh!
- Come on...
77
00:05:15,570 --> 00:05:18,080
Synced and corrected by louvette
www.addic7ed.com
78
00:05:18,640 --> 00:05:21,098
Two for one with a
flier, great live comedy.
79
00:05:22,494 --> 00:05:24,963
Great live comedy tonight.
Two for one with a flier.
80
00:05:25,564 --> 00:05:27,245
Got a great live comedy show.
81
00:05:28,050 --> 00:05:29,505
Um, hey.
82
00:05:30,075 --> 00:05:32,401
Uh, hi, are you the manager here?
83
00:05:32,596 --> 00:05:34,908
No. Hi, great live
comedy, we got a great...
84
00:05:35,332 --> 00:05:36,584
You're looking for Jason. He...
85
00:05:36,609 --> 00:05:38,305
He won't be here, for, uh, a little bit.
86
00:05:38,386 --> 00:05:39,595
Oh, okay, um...
87
00:05:39,642 --> 00:05:40,841
Great live comedy?
88
00:05:41,133 --> 00:05:42,365
Do you have a complaint or something?
89
00:05:42,401 --> 00:05:44,034
No. I'm Ali. I'm a comedian,
90
00:05:44,069 --> 00:05:46,035
and I was just gonna
see if there's a chance
91
00:05:46,070 --> 00:05:48,638
I could do a short set? I'm
trying to make this tape.
92
00:05:48,673 --> 00:05:50,205
My name is Pete, I'm...
I'm actually a comedian.
93
00:05:50,241 --> 00:05:52,442
- Oh, hi. Oh, cool. Hi.
- I'm on the show, too.
94
00:05:52,477 --> 00:05:54,269
I mean, not that you're on the show.
95
00:05:54,785 --> 00:05:55,817
You wanna be on the show.
96
00:05:55,852 --> 00:05:57,451
I would love to. That would be amazing.
97
00:05:57,487 --> 00:05:59,821
I just work the door
when Jason's running late.
98
00:06:00,152 --> 00:06:03,509
I... I don't really... run the
club, I just do it for stage time.
99
00:06:03,904 --> 00:06:06,492
Cool. And you don't have
to, like, bark on a corner?
100
00:06:07,493 --> 00:06:09,146
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, this is...
101
00:06:09,457 --> 00:06:10,590
Home base.
102
00:06:10,625 --> 00:06:12,444
Great live comedy, guys, great live comedy.
103
00:06:12,894 --> 00:06:16,128
Uh, well, you know, it's
kinda... slow, but...
104
00:06:16,164 --> 00:06:19,744
Yeah, that's why... If
it's slow, you could just...
105
00:06:20,467 --> 00:06:23,151
squeeze me in? That
would be so awesome, so...
106
00:06:24,272 --> 00:06:26,452
Uhh... Let... Let's see, I...
107
00:06:26,477 --> 00:06:28,708
- I'll see what I can do.
- Okay.
108
00:06:29,043 --> 00:06:31,282
Okay, ladies and gentlemen, bringing
109
00:06:31,307 --> 00:06:33,645
up the, uh, next comic for you guys,
110
00:06:33,681 --> 00:06:37,182
a very funny lady. I
hope you guys enjoy her.
111
00:06:37,217 --> 00:06:39,553
Guys, put your hands together
112
00:06:39,578 --> 00:06:41,486
for Ali Reissen, yeah!
113
00:06:44,525 --> 00:06:45,987
Thank you so much.
114
00:06:46,943 --> 00:06:50,138
Um, I have some really exciting news.
115
00:06:50,138 --> 00:06:53,706
My boyfriend and I, we just took
our relationship to the next level.
116
00:06:53,741 --> 00:06:55,436
We broke up. Yep.
117
00:06:55,877 --> 00:06:58,410
Hey, what are you doing?
118
00:06:58,445 --> 00:06:59,693
She's makin' a tape...
119
00:06:59,693 --> 00:07:01,059
for TV, I think.
120
00:07:01,094 --> 00:07:04,452
Man, we barked for five hours
and you just throw her onstage?
121
00:07:04,731 --> 00:07:05,797
She's not even passed here.
122
00:07:05,832 --> 00:07:09,567
This guy, he worked out so
much and he bulked up so much
123
00:07:09,602 --> 00:07:11,735
to the point where he
just, like, lost his neck,
124
00:07:11,770 --> 00:07:14,480
and he, like, grunted
to communicate with me?
125
00:07:14,524 --> 00:07:16,182
Just be like, "Uhhh!" I had to deal with
126
00:07:16,207 --> 00:07:17,758
him like I was dealing with Lassie,
127
00:07:17,793 --> 00:07:21,065
I'd be like, "What is it, boy?"
You know, he'd be like, "Uhhhh!
128
00:07:21,497 --> 00:07:24,691
Uhhhh!" I'm like, "Oh, no, it
was a hard leg day at the gym?"
129
00:07:25,700 --> 00:07:28,602
I was actually writing a
very similar joke to that.
130
00:07:29,203 --> 00:07:31,766
"Uhhh!" "Oh, no, your
trainer fell in a well."
131
00:07:40,242 --> 00:07:41,318
Hey.
132
00:07:41,349 --> 00:07:42,348
Hey!
133
00:07:42,373 --> 00:07:44,473
That was great. Did you get your tape?
134
00:07:44,498 --> 00:07:47,098
Uh, no. No, no, no. I hate this place.
135
00:07:47,405 --> 00:07:50,124
Sorry. I just... ugh... It's
like a haunted ski lodge.
136
00:07:50,674 --> 00:07:52,207
Yeah, there's a vibe.
137
00:07:52,242 --> 00:07:55,043
I feel like, in that room,
it's like you're doing comedy
138
00:07:55,078 --> 00:07:56,678
for the people you're making fun of.
139
00:07:56,714 --> 00:07:57,880
Yes.
140
00:07:57,915 --> 00:07:59,047
- Yeah.
- You're up there, I'm like,
141
00:07:59,082 --> 00:08:00,548
"I'm talking about you!"
142
00:08:00,583 --> 00:08:01,718
Yeah! Exactly!
143
00:08:01,718 --> 00:08:02,884
"My examples are you!"
144
00:08:02,920 --> 00:08:03,953
"Are you!"
145
00:08:03,988 --> 00:08:04,986
- Yeah.
- Yes.
146
00:08:05,011 --> 00:08:06,574
- "You don't see the irony..."
- Yeah.
147
00:08:06,621 --> 00:08:08,257
"...of me performing for you?"
148
00:08:08,292 --> 00:08:10,459
That makes me feel a lot less alone.
149
00:08:10,741 --> 00:08:12,427
- Yes. Oh, I'm glad.
- You should come back.
150
00:08:12,463 --> 00:08:13,663
- Uhhh...
- Any time you like.
151
00:08:13,698 --> 00:08:15,564
I'm here every night of the week.
152
00:08:15,599 --> 00:08:18,367
You ever see me out
front, we can throw you up.
153
00:08:18,402 --> 00:08:20,235
I think they'd be lucky to have you.
154
00:08:20,271 --> 00:08:21,637
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
155
00:08:21,672 --> 00:08:23,139
Petey. How do we look, Pete?
156
00:08:23,639 --> 00:08:25,772
Oh, what's up, man? Uh,
this... this is, uh, Ali.
157
00:08:25,807 --> 00:08:28,207
- Ali just went up, she's...
- Hi, Ali, Pete. How do we look?
158
00:08:28,498 --> 00:08:30,765
Uh, you know, it's like about half, maybe?
159
00:08:30,801 --> 00:08:32,251
What did we talk about earlier?
160
00:08:32,937 --> 00:08:35,170
Well, you said I could work the
door until you got here, so...
161
00:08:35,206 --> 00:08:37,072
- Till I got here!
- Yeah. Till you... so...
162
00:08:37,108 --> 00:08:38,628
What am I, a fuckin' apparition?
163
00:08:39,409 --> 00:08:41,877
Fliers, hand, corner.
164
00:08:41,912 --> 00:08:43,245
MacDougal Street, West Third.
165
00:08:43,280 --> 00:08:44,679
- It was nice...
- Come on! Sweet cheeks!
166
00:08:44,715 --> 00:08:46,348
- Okay. All right.
- Nice meeting you!
167
00:08:50,120 --> 00:08:51,419
- Hey.
- Uh, so nice to meet you.
168
00:08:51,455 --> 00:08:53,461
Hey, wait a second. Hey, hey.
169
00:08:54,129 --> 00:08:55,084
Yeah?
170
00:08:57,860 --> 00:08:59,776
Where... You know... I mean...
171
00:09:02,197 --> 00:09:04,289
I think women are... funny.
172
00:09:05,867 --> 00:09:08,164
Okay. Uh... cool.
173
00:09:08,164 --> 00:09:11,036
Just make sure to tell your
friends. Spread the word.
174
00:09:14,109 --> 00:09:16,403
Fuckin'... I... I... I...
175
00:09:16,877 --> 00:09:18,222
What am I doin' wrong?
176
00:09:18,532 --> 00:09:21,165
People make fun of me 'cause I'm
gullible. Anybody here gullible?
177
00:09:21,201 --> 00:09:22,801
Not a trap. Not a trap.
178
00:09:22,836 --> 00:09:25,036
Yeah. Yeah. Good people.
179
00:09:25,071 --> 00:09:28,840
Honest people. I don't understand
why we're the butt of the joke,
180
00:09:28,876 --> 00:09:31,869
gullible people. People tease
me, "Oh, you're so gullible."
181
00:09:31,869 --> 00:09:33,102
Pete's gullible."
182
00:09:33,136 --> 00:09:36,371
Doesn't that just mean I'm
an open-hearted, kind person?
183
00:09:37,685 --> 00:09:40,354
You lie to me, I believe you,
184
00:09:41,571 --> 00:09:43,639
I'm the asshole?
185
00:09:47,567 --> 00:09:49,324
Thanks, guy, thanks very
much. Have a good night.
186
00:09:49,349 --> 00:09:51,349
I'm Pete Holmes.
187
00:10:03,516 --> 00:10:05,172
Saw a group of cops on horses.
188
00:10:05,172 --> 00:10:08,131
How fuckin' ridiculous.
Why do they have jobs?
189
00:10:10,102 --> 00:10:12,059
Can they do real cop stuff?
190
00:10:13,093 --> 00:10:16,031
'Cause every time I see 'em,
they're like...
191
00:10:20,018 --> 00:10:21,766
Sure, I'll take a picture.
192
00:10:26,873 --> 00:10:28,271
Can they foil crimes?
193
00:10:29,275 --> 00:10:31,776
Like, if I stole your wallet
and ran, would they be like,
194
00:10:31,811 --> 00:10:33,244
"Yah!"
195
00:10:34,948 --> 00:10:36,214
Jumpin' over stuff.
196
00:10:37,884 --> 00:10:41,354
And they can't arrest you
because there's no room.
197
00:10:44,090 --> 00:10:47,521
Yeah, they're not gonna be like,
"You're under arrest. Uh, get on."
198
00:10:50,096 --> 00:10:51,334
Hey, man.
199
00:10:51,457 --> 00:10:52,556
You can't stand here.
200
00:10:53,018 --> 00:10:56,074
Uh... Ahh... I'm... I'm
Pete. I'm a comedian.
201
00:10:56,755 --> 00:10:58,237
Wait. You're Pete Holmes?
202
00:10:58,924 --> 00:11:00,637
- Yeah.
- I've seen you before, man.
203
00:11:00,662 --> 00:11:01,591
Really?
204
00:11:01,616 --> 00:11:03,873
You did that set about your
wife fuckin' another guy, right?
205
00:11:05,700 --> 00:11:07,533
Yeah. Yeah, that... that was me.
206
00:11:07,787 --> 00:11:09,637
I would keep that shit to myself, man.
207
00:11:09,937 --> 00:11:11,278
Yeah, I know now...
208
00:11:11,278 --> 00:11:13,645
I'm not proud of that
set, either. I regret it.
209
00:11:14,097 --> 00:11:16,362
Sorry, man. We all have our problems.
210
00:11:16,766 --> 00:11:18,509
I can't make my wife have a orgasm.
211
00:11:20,303 --> 00:11:22,132
I h... I hope you figure that out.
212
00:11:23,173 --> 00:11:24,501
Thanks, man. Appreciate that.
213
00:11:26,076 --> 00:11:27,479
You still can't stand there.
214
00:11:28,144 --> 00:11:29,577
Okay. Sorry.
215
00:11:29,612 --> 00:11:31,846
New Yorkers'd be
like, "Yeah, he's from out of town."
216
00:11:31,881 --> 00:11:33,639
And... And we're at the Friars, and
217
00:11:33,664 --> 00:11:35,749
Jerry Lewis is sitting at a table there,
218
00:11:35,785 --> 00:11:37,718
and I go to his manager,
219
00:11:37,753 --> 00:11:38,819
and I take out my phone,
220
00:11:38,855 --> 00:11:40,955
and I say, "Would he mind?"
221
00:11:40,990 --> 00:11:43,927
And he goes, "Jerry hates those.
222
00:11:44,326 --> 00:11:46,627
He hates... Don't try to do it."
223
00:11:46,654 --> 00:11:49,048
And so I say hello to Lewis,
224
00:11:49,081 --> 00:11:51,731
and I say, "I guess you wouldn't like me"
225
00:11:51,766 --> 00:11:54,227
to take a picture of you," and he goes,
226
00:11:54,703 --> 00:11:56,518
"I would punch you
227
00:11:56,817 --> 00:11:58,938
in your fucking face."
228
00:12:00,109 --> 00:12:02,075
Maybe he thought you were
talking about a hand job?
229
00:12:03,178 --> 00:12:05,445
I hate to say it, but
I've heard the same story,
230
00:12:05,481 --> 00:12:06,846
but it was Shari Lewis.
231
00:12:07,949 --> 00:12:09,183
And it wasn't at the Friars Club,
232
00:12:09,208 --> 00:12:10,884
it was at a bus station
somewhere in Cleveland.
233
00:12:10,919 --> 00:12:11,918
It was Daniel Day Lewis.
234
00:12:11,953 --> 00:12:13,352
Oh, well, there you go.
235
00:12:13,388 --> 00:12:14,453
Yeah!
236
00:12:14,489 --> 00:12:16,605
Like Lewis and Clark, was like, um...
237
00:12:17,546 --> 00:12:18,467
Ha...
238
00:12:18,492 --> 00:12:22,428
Uh... Oh, excuse me, I
think they introduced me.
239
00:12:22,463 --> 00:12:23,496
Lewis Carroll.
240
00:12:23,531 --> 00:12:24,930
- See you later, Gilbert.
- See you, man.
241
00:12:24,965 --> 00:12:26,332
You the man, Gil.
242
00:12:26,367 --> 00:12:27,699
- Gilbert Gottfried?
- Yeah.
243
00:12:27,735 --> 00:12:29,435
Is he goin' up? Why don't you tell him
244
00:12:29,470 --> 00:12:31,103
your favorite movie is "Problem Child."
245
00:12:31,139 --> 00:12:32,505
People say I look like John Ritter.
246
00:12:32,540 --> 00:12:34,673
- Oh, wow.
- Yeah, if he had a daughter.
247
00:12:37,417 --> 00:12:38,344
I guess.
248
00:12:38,379 --> 00:12:40,612
Hey, are we goin' to the Hole
for your birthday or what, Dan?
249
00:12:40,648 --> 00:12:43,582
Yeah, that's the plan.
Yeah, it's Dan's special day.
250
00:12:43,617 --> 00:12:44,883
He woke up in a trunk
251
00:12:44,919 --> 00:12:46,818
covered with stickers
from different cities.
252
00:12:48,088 --> 00:12:50,123
You're tryin' to say I look
like a ventriloquist's dummy?
253
00:12:50,591 --> 00:12:51,823
Yes, I am.
254
00:12:51,859 --> 00:12:53,995
Well, keep with the insults,
and I'll never bang you.
255
00:12:54,015 --> 00:12:55,181
What's the Hole?
256
00:12:55,216 --> 00:12:56,467
Burlesque joint.
257
00:12:56,577 --> 00:12:59,544
It's guys on stage, one
little guy with a big dick,
258
00:12:59,569 --> 00:13:01,611
one giant guy with a really
259
00:13:01,636 --> 00:13:03,804
small, Tic Tac dick, right?
260
00:13:03,839 --> 00:13:04,815
Scary.
261
00:13:04,840 --> 00:13:07,741
All you gotta bring is
an umbrella and a towel,
262
00:13:07,776 --> 00:13:08,976
and you're good.
263
00:13:09,011 --> 00:13:10,211
What do you mean bring an umbrella
264
00:13:10,246 --> 00:13:11,606
and a... he ain't goin'.
265
00:13:11,644 --> 00:13:13,610
- What?
- With my birthday, my rules.
266
00:13:13,716 --> 00:13:15,003
All right, princess. I got nothin'
267
00:13:15,028 --> 00:13:16,517
against him, but I don't know the guy,
268
00:13:16,560 --> 00:13:18,538
I wanna be surrounded by
people I like and Dave.
269
00:13:18,563 --> 00:13:20,202
Come on, Dan, let him
go and stop your yappin'.
270
00:13:20,213 --> 00:13:21,279
I'm allowed to pick!
271
00:13:21,304 --> 00:13:23,037
You know what? You're
not comin', it's settled.
272
00:13:23,072 --> 00:13:25,072
Y... You're a man of God.
You cannot come to this.
273
00:13:25,107 --> 00:13:27,241
I... First of all, I couldn't
get an erection next to this guy,
274
00:13:27,276 --> 00:13:28,542
it'd be... it'd be too weird.
275
00:13:28,577 --> 00:13:30,444
See? Me and Artie are on the same page.
276
00:13:30,479 --> 00:13:31,578
People gotta put their foot down.
277
00:13:31,613 --> 00:13:33,609
I... I'll stay here and pray for you.
278
00:13:33,789 --> 00:13:35,349
Yeah, I was wondering
what you were doin'...
279
00:13:35,384 --> 00:13:37,227
- Take care, bye.
- Okay, to the Hole!
280
00:13:38,802 --> 00:13:39,848
Sorry.
281
00:13:48,530 --> 00:13:49,930
Is this, uh, empty?
282
00:13:49,965 --> 00:13:52,466
Yeah, no... please.
283
00:13:53,502 --> 00:13:54,601
These people are done with these, right?
284
00:13:54,636 --> 00:13:57,337
Yeah, yeah, yeah... unless
you want some whiskey.
285
00:13:57,544 --> 00:13:59,745
Oh, no, I don't drink. Never have.
286
00:13:59,780 --> 00:14:02,116
- I... I'm not...
- You're not... You don't drink?
287
00:14:02,195 --> 00:14:03,295
No, not really.
288
00:14:03,324 --> 00:14:05,416
Teetotaler or just...
Not... don't drink often?
289
00:14:05,631 --> 00:14:09,454
I... I... I was raised not
to really... partake too much.
290
00:14:09,489 --> 00:14:10,455
Me too.
291
00:14:10,490 --> 00:14:11,589
Really? My parents never did.
292
00:14:11,625 --> 00:14:12,690
Protestant?
293
00:14:12,725 --> 00:14:14,464
Yeah. I mean, when I was a child, yes.
294
00:14:15,094 --> 00:14:17,529
M... My name is Penn. Penn Jillette.
295
00:14:17,564 --> 00:14:19,429
I know you're... You're
a wonderful magician.
296
00:14:19,465 --> 00:14:20,665
- Oh, thank you.
- I love magic.
297
00:14:20,700 --> 00:14:21,932
- Oh, thanks.
- I really do.
298
00:14:21,968 --> 00:14:23,734
W... And I was hoping you'd say your name.
299
00:14:23,770 --> 00:14:24,825
Sorry, it's Pete.
300
00:14:24,835 --> 00:14:26,000
- Pete, hello, Pete. Nice to meet you.
- Peter.
301
00:14:26,025 --> 00:14:29,828
But you're a... you're a big
atheist now, right? I mean...
302
00:14:30,437 --> 00:14:31,864
Yeah. I have been for a long time.
303
00:14:31,898 --> 00:14:33,715
I... I guess my whole adult life.
304
00:14:34,300 --> 00:14:35,399
I stuck with it, I guess.
305
00:14:35,435 --> 00:14:36,567
Oh, did you?
306
00:14:36,602 --> 00:14:37,801
Jesus is still my co-pilot.
307
00:14:38,771 --> 00:14:40,571
He's great. He doesn't drink either.
308
00:14:40,606 --> 00:14:41,872
Oh, really? Very... Very smooth flight.
309
00:14:41,907 --> 00:14:44,208
I thought there was the wine
thing. Isn't there the wine?
310
00:14:44,243 --> 00:14:46,610
Ahh... You know... It was one miracle...
311
00:14:47,513 --> 00:14:49,113
The rest of the time he was pretty dry.
312
00:14:49,148 --> 00:14:50,581
You really do believe?
313
00:14:50,616 --> 00:14:51,882
- Yeah.
- Christian god?
314
00:14:51,917 --> 00:14:53,183
Chris... Yeah. All three.
315
00:14:53,218 --> 00:14:54,718
I mean, I don't wanna be dismissive,
316
00:14:54,753 --> 00:14:56,987
but you actually believe
that there's a being
317
00:14:57,022 --> 00:15:00,147
that cares about, forgive
me, but your masturbation?
318
00:15:00,210 --> 00:15:01,492
Cares about everything you do?
319
00:15:01,527 --> 00:15:02,626
Yeah, you... you know, we make...
320
00:15:02,661 --> 00:15:04,194
And you don't have any
gnawing doubts about that?
321
00:15:04,229 --> 00:15:07,364
You don't think that maybe you're...
you're letting things slide by you
322
00:15:07,399 --> 00:15:09,199
- that could be more beautiful?
- Like what?
323
00:15:09,234 --> 00:15:10,357
Like life?
324
00:15:11,612 --> 00:15:13,636
So you don't... You
don't believe in something
325
00:15:13,671 --> 00:15:16,139
watching us, something
keeping all of this going?
326
00:15:16,174 --> 00:15:19,742
I'm not sure there's no
God, but I don't know.
327
00:15:20,194 --> 00:15:23,145
The most important
revolution in human history,
328
00:15:23,170 --> 00:15:24,755
more important than agriculture,
329
00:15:24,823 --> 00:15:28,367
more important than writing,
is the scientific revolution.
330
00:15:28,646 --> 00:15:30,333
Came down to three words:
331
00:15:30,746 --> 00:15:32,835
I don't know.
332
00:15:33,434 --> 00:15:35,827
And no institution, no church,
333
00:15:35,852 --> 00:15:38,431
no king, no power structure
334
00:15:38,456 --> 00:15:40,424
had ever said in history,
335
00:15:40,449 --> 00:15:42,643
"I don't know."
336
00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:45,360
I just... What if you're wrong?
I mean... I... I... could never...
337
00:15:45,396 --> 00:15:46,562
What if you're wrong?
338
00:15:46,597 --> 00:15:49,965
What if I'm wrong? I... I...
I mean, either way, I'm good.
339
00:15:50,000 --> 00:15:51,332
- You're right...
- No, no, that's not true.
340
00:15:51,367 --> 00:15:53,868
I mean, that's... that's the
problem with Pascal's Wager,
341
00:15:53,904 --> 00:15:55,536
is there's more than one choice.
342
00:15:55,572 --> 00:15:59,212
You could spend your whole life
prayin' your ass off to Jesus,
343
00:15:59,237 --> 00:16:02,068
and then find out that it's actually Zeus,
344
00:16:02,120 --> 00:16:03,819
and he doesn't like you praying to Jesus.
345
00:16:03,854 --> 00:16:05,857
I... I... I... I'm enjoying the
346
00:16:05,882 --> 00:16:07,990
certainty I get from my faith.
347
00:16:08,025 --> 00:16:09,262
You don't have certainty.
348
00:16:09,317 --> 00:16:10,560
- I do.
- No, you don't.
349
00:16:10,595 --> 00:16:11,527
I do.
350
00:16:11,563 --> 00:16:13,927
You can't get certainty just by willpower.
351
00:16:14,232 --> 00:16:16,132
You can't force yourself to believe things
352
00:16:16,167 --> 00:16:18,413
that you don't have evidence
for. You just can't do it.
353
00:16:18,696 --> 00:16:20,324
You can't force certainty.
354
00:16:21,205 --> 00:16:23,706
Yeah, but this... this is all
I have. I mean, I... I can't...
355
00:16:24,030 --> 00:16:25,973
This is how I was raised, I can't just...
356
00:16:26,311 --> 00:16:28,543
put it aside because you make some sense.
357
00:16:28,579 --> 00:16:31,778
I mean, it's hard for me to admit
that you're making some sense.
358
00:16:32,316 --> 00:16:35,651
Yeah, I... I... I dig that. It's
hard to change. It's really hard.
359
00:16:35,686 --> 00:16:38,034
It's hard for someone my
age to admit that the...
360
00:16:38,366 --> 00:16:39,987
the Beatles weren't that good.
361
00:16:53,215 --> 00:16:54,778
- Doug Benson.
- Hey!
362
00:16:55,672 --> 00:16:57,022
Do you know Penn Gillette?
363
00:16:57,397 --> 00:16:59,296
Yeah, he's in there, right? The magician?
364
00:16:59,442 --> 00:17:02,276
I once saw him make a whole
plate of nachos disappear.
365
00:17:06,454 --> 00:17:09,993
I just thought everything was one thing,
366
00:17:10,986 --> 00:17:12,817
but it turns out it might be nothing.
367
00:17:12,817 --> 00:17:14,400
Everything is nothing?
368
00:17:15,031 --> 00:17:17,179
- Yeah, everything...
- That's not cool.
369
00:17:17,933 --> 00:17:19,700
How can everything be nothing?
370
00:17:20,236 --> 00:17:21,502
Because we don't... ahh...
371
00:17:21,537 --> 00:17:22,867
It's everything.
372
00:17:23,339 --> 00:17:24,575
But do you know?
373
00:17:24,807 --> 00:17:26,139
About everything?
374
00:17:26,174 --> 00:17:29,376
What if it was Zeus? What if it
was this one and now he's mad,
375
00:17:29,411 --> 00:17:31,629
and now you die, and chances are...
376
00:17:32,147 --> 00:17:33,279
Who's Zeus?
377
00:17:33,315 --> 00:17:34,772
That's my point. Who's God?
378
00:17:35,117 --> 00:17:36,591
Who is god? Do you know?
379
00:17:36,895 --> 00:17:37,977
Zeus?
380
00:17:38,011 --> 00:17:39,654
What if you've been praying
381
00:17:39,998 --> 00:17:42,657
to Jesus and it was Zeus?
382
00:17:44,129 --> 00:17:45,532
Je-Zeus.
383
00:18:04,182 --> 00:18:07,884
Mom, can we go inside? It's so cool!
384
00:18:25,069 --> 00:18:28,901
Hi. Uh, I'm... I'm here for Dan's birthday?
385
00:18:32,043 --> 00:18:33,582
The... Uh... The comedians?
386
00:18:33,607 --> 00:18:36,343
Buncha guys, don't look
like they belong here?
387
00:18:41,155 --> 00:18:42,770
Thank you. Thanks.
388
00:18:59,282 --> 00:19:00,319
Yikes!
389
00:19:00,885 --> 00:19:01,922
Hey!
390
00:19:01,947 --> 00:19:03,080
Hey!
391
00:19:03,105 --> 00:19:04,186
He found us, man!
392
00:19:04,222 --> 00:19:06,255
This is crazy, this is
like the second "Matrix"!
393
00:19:06,290 --> 00:19:07,589
Oh, all right, exactly.
394
00:19:07,625 --> 00:19:08,590
In Zion?
395
00:19:08,626 --> 00:19:10,492
You should scream your act, you're funnier.
396
00:19:10,527 --> 00:19:11,727
Uh-oh.
397
00:19:11,762 --> 00:19:13,528
Oh, whoa! I ordered... I ordered a water.
398
00:19:13,564 --> 00:19:15,063
Oh, these are from the
gentleman at the bar,
399
00:19:15,098 --> 00:19:16,798
I think he's a fan of you guys.
400
00:19:16,833 --> 00:19:18,700
Oh, really? Pete, can you help us out?
401
00:19:18,736 --> 00:19:21,136
Yeah! I... I could use a drink, yeah!
402
00:19:21,171 --> 00:19:22,436
- On the house.
- Cheers!
403
00:19:22,472 --> 00:19:24,105
Whoa... Okay, all right...
404
00:19:24,141 --> 00:19:26,169
Oh, dude, that's a sipper.
405
00:19:26,777 --> 00:19:28,309
Oh, all gone!
406
00:19:28,344 --> 00:19:29,377
Wooo! Lemme in!
407
00:19:29,412 --> 00:19:31,379
Oh, my God, he's sitting down now?
408
00:19:31,414 --> 00:19:32,546
Oh, boy.
409
00:19:32,582 --> 00:19:33,648
Ahh... Who's is this?
410
00:19:33,683 --> 00:19:35,283
Oh, no! That was, uh, yours!
411
00:19:35,318 --> 00:19:37,618
You take every major religion...
412
00:19:37,654 --> 00:19:38,633
Ah, here we go...
413
00:19:38,726 --> 00:19:39,853
and you mix 'em together,
414
00:19:39,889 --> 00:19:42,222
- Right...
- they all say the same thing.
415
00:19:42,258 --> 00:19:44,158
I'm being lectured by a pile
of cookie dough over here.
416
00:19:44,193 --> 00:19:47,127
What do you think happens
when you die? You're gonna die.
417
00:19:47,163 --> 00:19:49,363
I don't know man. I just
try not to think about it.
418
00:19:49,399 --> 00:19:52,266
"What... What is everything?"
is... is a better question.
419
00:19:52,302 --> 00:19:54,853
I mean, there's... you know, bigger things?
420
00:19:54,878 --> 00:19:56,058
Please stop with this shit.
421
00:19:56,112 --> 00:19:59,775
Let's just watch this woman
scratch her nose with her clit,
422
00:19:59,839 --> 00:20:02,742
because... that's wondrous.
423
00:20:07,582 --> 00:20:09,349
Uh... Are you married?
424
00:20:09,384 --> 00:20:10,583
No, no, no!
425
00:20:10,619 --> 00:20:12,752
I... I... I'm clinging to the past.
426
00:20:12,788 --> 00:20:13,687
Ohhh!
427
00:20:13,722 --> 00:20:15,488
No, you're right! It's fuckin' weird!
428
00:20:15,524 --> 00:20:16,589
Fuck that thing!
429
00:20:16,625 --> 00:20:17,590
Yeah!
430
00:20:47,764 --> 00:20:50,462
This is the part of the night,
you know, I mean, Artie...
431
00:20:50,517 --> 00:20:52,218
- Yeah?
- This is where it happens.
432
00:20:52,253 --> 00:20:53,418
We start lookin' for chicks.
433
00:20:53,454 --> 00:20:55,721
Yeah.
434
00:20:55,756 --> 00:20:57,179
I have to get up very early tomorrow
435
00:20:57,205 --> 00:20:58,959
to sell umbrellas in front of Penn Station,
436
00:20:58,993 --> 00:21:00,592
but... uh...
437
00:21:00,627 --> 00:21:01,793
Actually, if you guys are free later,
438
00:21:01,829 --> 00:21:04,229
I teach a 4:00 a.m. spin class
at the Crunch on Lafayette.
439
00:21:04,264 --> 00:21:07,198
That's cool. Give it up for my
buddy, Artie Lange, everybody.
440
00:21:07,234 --> 00:21:10,181
Yeah. Did you have a good time? Yeah.
441
00:21:11,372 --> 00:21:13,137
Artie, I know you can't
stay. You have an episode
442
00:21:13,173 --> 00:21:14,305
of "Storage Wars" to shoot,
443
00:21:14,341 --> 00:21:16,140
but, uh...
444
00:21:17,404 --> 00:21:18,476
I love the look, though.
445
00:21:18,511 --> 00:21:19,878
- Yeah, well...
- You look like a scalper
446
00:21:19,913 --> 00:21:21,746
for every band I didn't see in the '80s.
447
00:21:21,781 --> 00:21:24,883
Dude, if you're not on the line-up,
448
00:21:24,918 --> 00:21:27,085
- you can't be down here.
- Come on.
449
00:21:27,120 --> 00:21:29,053
I'm not in anybody's way, I'm just...
450
00:21:29,089 --> 00:21:31,189
Listen, I don't make the
rules, man, I just enforce 'em.
451
00:21:31,224 --> 00:21:33,324
Wait, hold on a second. Hey, is that Pete?
452
00:21:33,360 --> 00:21:34,759
- Hey-hey!
- Yeah, it's Pete!
453
00:21:34,794 --> 00:21:36,260
There he is! Pete, come up here, man.
454
00:21:36,301 --> 00:21:37,526
Get up here, buddy, yeah.
455
00:21:37,565 --> 00:21:38,497
- I'm sorry.
- Pete Holmes!
456
00:21:38,522 --> 00:21:40,722
Give it up for Pete.
457
00:21:41,222 --> 00:21:42,355
Fresh from the Hole!
458
00:21:42,391 --> 00:21:44,291
- Wow.
- Whaaaaaaa...
459
00:21:44,326 --> 00:21:45,492
Oh-ho, great!
460
00:21:45,527 --> 00:21:47,365
Nice!
461
00:21:47,962 --> 00:21:50,740
- Oh, easy.
- Fine, fine!
462
00:21:50,765 --> 00:21:53,132
So Pete, how's the comedy scene
treatin' you here in New York?
463
00:21:53,167 --> 00:21:55,500
Well, you know, I hand
out fliers for stage time,
464
00:21:55,535 --> 00:21:57,936
I don't know if you guys
saw any of those out there,
465
00:21:57,972 --> 00:21:59,972
- that's one of me, I do that.
- There you go.
466
00:22:00,007 --> 00:22:01,106
You're handing out fliers.
467
00:22:01,142 --> 00:22:02,074
I hand out fliers.
468
00:22:02,109 --> 00:22:03,876
Have you heard of the
Internet? Anything, uh...
469
00:22:05,179 --> 00:22:09,147
Are you gonna send out a telegraph
about your first hour, or no?
470
00:22:10,350 --> 00:22:12,917
I like... I like this
drunk Pete. I like him.
471
00:22:12,952 --> 00:22:14,552
- It's a lot... you're fun.
- Yeah.
472
00:22:14,900 --> 00:22:16,962
Artie, if you're not wearing your Fitbit,
473
00:22:16,987 --> 00:22:19,122
how do you know if you get your step today?
474
00:22:19,159 --> 00:22:21,001
Ho! Whoa!
475
00:22:21,037 --> 00:22:22,734
That'll hurt in the morning.
476
00:22:23,396 --> 00:22:25,632
How do I get my step? This is great.
477
00:22:27,000 --> 00:22:28,666
I don't like being mean!
478
00:22:28,701 --> 00:22:29,600
No, be mean!
479
00:22:29,635 --> 00:22:31,102
- That's all right.
- I like being mean.
480
00:22:31,137 --> 00:22:32,270
Be mean.
481
00:22:32,305 --> 00:22:33,805
By any memes necessary.
482
00:22:33,840 --> 00:22:37,474
How did you get here? Did
you slip a 50 to the TSA?
483
00:22:39,312 --> 00:22:41,545
Pete, easy. Easy, buddy.
484
00:22:41,580 --> 00:22:43,419
Hold on a second. Let me see your mike.
485
00:22:45,250 --> 00:22:47,747
Okay, I just had to turn
it to "Funny." Go ahead.
486
00:22:54,993 --> 00:22:56,059
That was great.
487
00:22:56,094 --> 00:22:57,413
Hey, thank you.
488
00:23:06,205 --> 00:23:07,170
Ali.
489
00:23:07,206 --> 00:23:10,637
Ah... door guy.
490
00:23:12,010 --> 00:23:13,787
Do you bark here, too, or...
491
00:23:14,178 --> 00:23:16,011
Uh, no, I was just onstage.
492
00:23:16,324 --> 00:23:18,557
Saw you up there. I didn't get to go on,
493
00:23:18,593 --> 00:23:21,094
'cause you guys were dicking
around for like 20 minutes.
494
00:23:21,129 --> 00:23:22,460
- Oh.
- So...
495
00:23:22,521 --> 00:23:23,592
Sorry.
496
00:23:23,617 --> 00:23:24,874
It's all right.
497
00:23:26,630 --> 00:23:28,017
You're really funny.
498
00:23:28,264 --> 00:23:29,197
Thank you.
499
00:23:29,232 --> 00:23:31,398
Really... like, I'm not just saying that.
500
00:23:31,434 --> 00:23:33,134
- Mm.
- Like, when I saw your set, I was like,
501
00:23:33,169 --> 00:23:34,534
"What... what happened?
502
00:23:35,171 --> 00:23:36,603
What happened to you?"
503
00:23:36,639 --> 00:23:39,809
Hmm? It doesn't make any sense,
'cause you're really beautiful
504
00:23:40,383 --> 00:23:42,883
and you're really funny.
And that doesn't... those...
505
00:23:42,917 --> 00:23:46,557
You're, like, not comedy hot,
you're regular... you're lady hot.
506
00:23:46,653 --> 00:23:49,186
You're like a Barney's
department store hot.
507
00:23:49,457 --> 00:23:50,445
Thank you.
508
00:23:50,445 --> 00:23:51,878
And then you're funny?
509
00:23:52,136 --> 00:23:55,705
Fuck you, man. What?
510
00:23:55,850 --> 00:23:57,557
You're so shitfaced.
511
00:23:58,119 --> 00:23:59,285
A little bit.
512
00:23:59,321 --> 00:24:00,386
Yeah.
513
00:24:00,422 --> 00:24:01,850
- A little bit.
- You're really gone.
514
00:24:02,556 --> 00:24:03,585
Yeah.
515
00:24:04,058 --> 00:24:06,313
I think y... I think
you should take me home.
516
00:24:07,383 --> 00:24:10,072
What?
517
00:24:10,097 --> 00:24:11,931
I think you should take me home with you.
518
00:24:11,966 --> 00:24:13,299
Why would I do that?
519
00:24:13,334 --> 00:24:14,435
Because!
520
00:24:14,702 --> 00:24:16,468
I mean... You really want a reason?
521
00:24:16,503 --> 00:24:18,903
I mean, this is... This is fate, I saw you,
522
00:24:18,939 --> 00:24:20,472
and I'm seeing you again.
523
00:24:20,507 --> 00:24:22,054
- Mm-hmm.
- I mean,
524
00:24:22,343 --> 00:24:24,697
what are the chances that we're all alive?
525
00:24:25,278 --> 00:24:27,130
With sunsets and babies,
526
00:24:27,238 --> 00:24:28,987
and-and, there's gotta be more
527
00:24:29,108 --> 00:24:33,001
than just Chinese food
and Cold Stone Creamery
528
00:24:33,119 --> 00:24:35,653
and sleeping in a garage,
you know what I'm saying?
529
00:24:35,688 --> 00:24:36,978
It's not...
530
00:24:37,290 --> 00:24:40,551
Is there something
later? Perhaps, maybe not.
531
00:24:41,090 --> 00:24:44,739
But there is something
that we can do today,
532
00:24:44,764 --> 00:24:46,287
and we can be kind,
533
00:24:46,653 --> 00:24:48,241
and we can be lovely,
534
00:24:48,415 --> 00:24:51,177
and we can be sexual
535
00:24:51,338 --> 00:24:53,387
and sensual.
536
00:24:54,106 --> 00:24:56,501
Sorry, are you just
doing a Russell Brand bit?
537
00:24:57,009 --> 00:24:59,739
Russell Brand has valid points.
538
00:25:04,216 --> 00:25:07,125
Okay. You can buy me a drink.
539
00:25:09,088 --> 00:25:11,031
I'll buy you a drink.
540
00:25:11,590 --> 00:25:15,058
Shh!
541
00:25:16,546 --> 00:25:17,505
Shh!
542
00:25:25,737 --> 00:25:27,203
Shit.
543
00:25:28,573 --> 00:25:30,672
- Mmm...
- Mmm!
544
00:25:30,708 --> 00:25:31,823
Mm!
545
00:26:17,235 --> 00:26:18,727
- Wait, wait, wait.
- What, what?
546
00:26:18,779 --> 00:26:21,219
Before the... the main event, you, um...
547
00:26:21,954 --> 00:26:23,399
I just wanna make sure you want...
548
00:26:23,424 --> 00:26:25,141
you wanna d... you wanna do this, yeah.
549
00:26:25,176 --> 00:26:26,575
All signs point to yes.
550
00:26:26,610 --> 00:26:28,010
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
551
00:26:28,046 --> 00:26:29,045
I do... I do, too.
552
00:26:29,080 --> 00:26:30,479
- Yeah?
- I r... really do.
553
00:26:30,514 --> 00:26:31,804
Okay, here we go.
554
00:26:40,324 --> 00:26:44,293
Oh, yeah. Oh, you feel so good.
555
00:26:44,328 --> 00:26:46,094
Feels great.
556
00:26:51,325 --> 00:26:53,918
Synced and corrected by louvette
www.addic7ed.com
557
00:26:53,968 --> 00:26:58,518
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