All language subtitles for Crashing s01e07 Julie.eng

Pete: Hey, uh, Schmitty?

I was just wondering. I... I
feel like it's goin' really well.

Is there any indication on
how my trial week has been?

Yeah, listen. It's not up to
me, it's up to Rachael, okay?

Has Rachael said anything, good or bad?

Uh, Rachael has no idea who
you are, and that is good.

Uh...

Schmitty... Classic.

And that's a good laugh.
Laugh like that, like, "Hah!"

Audience: Hah!

- Hah!
- Hah!

- That's amazing. Now show me a seven!
- [cheering]

- Okay.
- [silence]

- Nine!
- [wild cheering]

[silence]

[cheering]

- [silence]
- Welcome to Rachael Ray.

I hope I learn how to
cook something today.

And, Joe, how old are you?

I am 30.

Thirty. Is that too old, Clemmie?

That's fine.

- Is it?
- [laughter]

My dad is, uh, goin' deaf.

I don't know if anybody
here is hard of hearing.

I mean, it's not like serious deaf.

It's like the kind of deaf you can
make fun of, just like dad deaf.

But it's just stubbornness.

I actually told him to get a
hearing aid, and he literally went,

"Ah! What could you be saying?"

[laughter]

And then resumed
watching Jeopardy on 100.

[laughter]

Hi, enjoy your, uh, Spoonula.
You're a great crowd.

You were hilarious.

Oh, my goodness, thank
you. Thank you so much.

You were our favorite part.

Oh, my God! Thank you.

Thanks. Wow. Bye, ladies.

Thank you.

[music playing over speakers]

- Hey, man.
- Hey, man, you're early. I like that.

I'm just setting up for you guys.

Yeah, I... I was actually, um,

hoping I could talk to you for a second?

- Sure, what's up?
- It's actually good news.

I got a... a job, a TV
job, doin', uh, warm-up.

Really? Daily Show? Tonight Show?

It's a daytime show. It's,
uh, Rachael Ray.

It's a little bit like late
night but during the day,

and there's cooking.

All right. Look, man, it's, you
know, green money. Good for you.

I was really hopin' maybe that
would mean I don't have to,

you know, hand out fliers
to get on stage anymore.

- What?
- I got a TV credit.

I thought maybe I could go on earlier,

you know, while the crowd is still here.

Yeah. Yeah.

- Nah!
- What do you mean, "Nah"?

Pete, I'm happy you're
makin' housewives happy,

throwin' out candy bars in
between gazpacho recipes.

But this is... this is stand-up.

You got to pay your dues.

That's what I've been doing, you
know, standing out on the corner,

handing out fliers
for five hours just to

go on at the end of the night.

I... What about all the other guys

that go on before me that
don't even have a credit?

I do two shows before
this club even opens.

- So?
- I get paid.

So? All these other guys that you're

knocking with your condescending tone,

they've put in 10, 12 years,
they're grinding. Okay?

They put in their time,
and they earn that stage.

You can't just skip to
the front of the line

because you got lucky
with a job. Fuck you.

Hold on. You don't
understand. I... I kill.

You should see me.

It's like regular,
sober, Midwestern people.

I'm like Gaffigan,
and Seinfeld. I crush.

Not-not some CBGB lineup

of five rock and roll
comedians talking about...

- Oh!
- ...how hard it is to find the G-spot.

Oh, I get it! So you're better than us!

Vaginas are weird, get over it.

This is where the real work takes place.

Not in some pastel-colored studio

with a... with a lit-up applause sign.

I gave you the only teacher
you need, right here.

Stop acting like you
did me such a favor.

I'm doing like slave labor for
you out there. What is this, Nike?

Fuck this. I don't need this.

Ooh, not so clean anymore, huh,
Pete? Don't tell Rachael Ray.

Oh, people come in here to do coke.

Yeah. You know what they
go to Rachael Ray for?

For a panini maker. That's why
they sit through the audience.

You're opening for a fuckin' sandwich.

You know what? I'm done barking for you.

You sandwich comic!

Uh, hey, uh, some old
lady on the street today

told me I look like Mark Wahlberg.

Now I just need to meet a young
lady who also has dementia.

- [scattered laughter]
- Thanks, sweetie.

- Pete, you're next.
- Okay.

Hey, would you mind when you bring
me up, would you tell everybody

that, um, I'm the warm-up
guy for Rachael Ray?

Really? A credit? It's an open mic.

No, I just... I feel like the
audience gets a kick out of it

when they know you've done something.

Okay. Credit. Got it.

Worst advice I ever took in my life was,

"Hey, man, it's probably bad
coke, just do the whole bag."

- [laughter]
- Thank you very much.

[applause]

Matt Maragno, everyone.

Representing USA. All right.

- [applause]
- Man: Yeah!

We're gonna keep the comedy going.

The next comedian coming to the
stage wants me to let you know

that he's the warm-up comedian
for the Rachael Ray Show.

- [jeering laughter]
- Yeah, warm-up.

Where comedians go to die.

Pete Holmes, everyone. Pete Holmes.

[scattered applause]

Uh, thanks.

Um...

Forgot what I was gonna,
uh, open with. Uh...

You... You ever hail a cab just
to stop it from hitting you?

- That's...
- [scattered laughter]

You know... [mutters] Just get in.

I never know what to tip those guys.

Please stop. Please
stop fucking singing.

That's how I relieve stress.

It sounds unstable.

You see, this is why you
and I never got it on,

because you don't get me.

- I missed my chance.
- Yeah.

- Hey.
- Artie: Hey, Pete!

- What's up?
- How you doing, man? Sit down. Sit.

- I can sit with you guys?
- Artie: Of course.

Don't want to impose
on the comedians' table.

Dude, I got the text. I
got to tell you... Tell 'em.

The gig! Big news. Tell 'em.

- Ah. It's okay.
- What?

I got a little thing, but we
don't... I don't want to talk...

A little thing? Come on, tell 'em.

- Tell 'em, no?
- It's... I'm havin' a weird night.

You're havin' a weird... Obviously,

look, it's not for me to share, man.

But, uh, he's gonna go through
with it. The operation's Tuesday.

- Oh, great.
- You're worth it.

I'm getting... I'm
getting a sex change.

Artie: You get it?

- Hey, Artie, dude, you're up.
- Okay.

Nice outfit. What'd you...
What'd you, join ISIS?

Yeah. [laughs] You
got to love Artie, man.

The guy always looks
like he just got divorced,

but he never was married, so... Kill it.

I'm gonna, uh... smoke a cigarette.

What's up, man? I'm Pete.

- Oh, hey, dude.
- I think you're really funny,

and I love your stuff.

Oh, nice. Well, hey,
uh, is this a wedding?

'Cause we're really
shakin' a lot of hands.

Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry.

I didn't know you were
running for office.

- That was a lot of handshaking.
- Press the flesh.

Well, I'm gonna go smoke.
Nice meeting you, Pete.

Yes.

- Uh... Do you want to come?
- Yeah.

Let's smoke. I would love to come.

- Uh, see you guys.
- Congrats again.

That's gross.

Just something about your...

puppet face

and your shiny lips and your crooning.

It's, uh, it's unsettling.

Got it?

Mm.

Flavor country.

Good, huh?

So, uh, I feel kind of
like I'm corrupting a minor.

You're not a big smoker, huh?

No, I smoke sometimes when I drink.

Sometimes I'll... bum a smoke.

And, uh, you don't really drink, huh?

Not really. I've been
meaning to drink more.

You know, um, you're
a friend of Artie's.

How come I've never seen
you go up? Where do you work?

Uh, the Boston is my... Uh, was...

- I was goin' up at the Boston a lot.
- What happened?

Lately, I... I've been
focusing a lot on my, um, job.

- Oh, you got a job?
- Day job.

The thing I got is a...
it's a warm-up gig.

- Uh-huh.
- It's, uh... Rachael Ray.

Hey, that's great.

- Really?
- Yes. That's awesome, dude.

I thought it was, but everybody's
givin' me a lot of grief,

you know, like it's not a real...
It's not real comedy, it's...

Aw, come on. Hey, listen.

I hate to break it to
you, but show business

doesn't get much
better than that, right?

You're tellin' jokes., You're home
by noon. It's a win, all right?

- Really?
- Yeah.

Thanks, man. That means a lot.

Mm-hmm.

You know, you don't have to
smoke that if you don't want to.

I didn't really want to smoke.

I just kind of wanted
to hang out, 'cause I...

- I figured, yeah.
- ...respect you so much.

Well, thanks. If this
warm-up doesn't work,

you can be a professional kiss ass.

[laughs] Hmm?

- [laughter]
- I did real time, too, man.

I did two months in LA County
Jail for possession of coke.

And I'll tell you how
to survive in jail.

You... You particularly, you
might want to go with this.

[laughter]

First day, I go out to the yard, find

the biggest, baddest
motherfucker I could,

- and I blew him.
- [laughter]

I gave him the worst blow job
in the history of a blow job.

- [laughter]
- I wanted it to get around the jail

that I gave a bad blow job.

[laughter]

If two gang members are talking about

your ability to give a blow job in jail,

here's how you want
that conversation to go:

"Do not let that motherfucker blow you."

- "He sucks at it."
- [laughter]

Now... There you are.
Good hangin', man, yeah.

That was fun, man. Thanks.

It's good to see ya.
You seem, you know, uh...

well, not good, but, you
know, less terrible, right?

Yeah, I'm... It feels
pretty good, man, uh...

- Yeah.
- Come to a taping anytime.

Seriously, when?

Are you Se...? I was kidding.

You know, unbelievable. I don't look
like a guy who could use recipes?

I love Rachael Ray.

- Yeah.
- And I could support you, too.

- Any time.
- Right?

Good night, Artie.

- Take care of yourself.
- Thank you.

- Hi, ladies. Thank you.
- Thanks.

Every day, with Rachael Ray.

Every day. Take one day off.

Enjoy your free magazine.

[cell phone rings]

Hello?

Hi, Pete. My name
is Julie Brigante.

Do we know each other or...

No. My husband works
with your wife.

His name is Leif.

Oh. Um...

I need to talk to you
in person, right away.

Um... uh, sure.

- Julie?
- Yeah.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Um...
- Thank you for meeting me like this.

Hey...

I just couldn't talk
about this over the phone.

Sure. Is, uh...

- I'm at work, so I only have a minute.
- Mm.

Is everything okay? Or...

My husband is... I
have reason to believe

my husband is, um...

sleeping with your wife.

I know. I know, I can
tell you're shocked,

and I'm sorry to have
to drop this news on you.

I just had to tell you.

Thank you.

- You're welcome. It's what you do, Pete.
- Thanks for telling me.

Pete: She called me! I've
got to meet her again!

She didn't know. About
the whole situation,

she didn't know, she
thought I didn't know.

Who gives a shit who knows?

She thought she was breaking
the news to me, I had to pretend.

She made it sound
like I was supposed to,

like, activate the phone tree.

Right.

Is that the protocol,
that I'm supposed to tell

the wife of the guy that
had sex with my wife?

I would've wanted to know if I was her.

Dude, you were her, that's the point.

You were her but in
a much different way.

You were her, but you were watching your

wife get fucked from five feet away.

You got no responsibility in this.

No! What, are you kidding me?

You got the raw end of that deal, man.

Thanks, man, that...
that makes me feel better.

Look at this, man. Can you believe this?

Like, how big is this? All
this from makin' sandwiches.

Yeah, I know.

I wish there was money
in eatin' sandwiches.

Aw, Christ.

You know, I mean, it's not every day
you got to... deliver news like that.

- Sure, yeah.
- I just had to tell you.

How you holdin' up?

It's... quite a blow
you dealt me, but...

Good, but you're resilient.

- Yeah.
- You know? Yeah, you're like me.

If something bad happens,

you pull yourself up by
your fuckin' bootstraps.

You just got to man
up. Am I right? Cheers.

Bootstraps. Go ahead.

I'm... I have a show in a couple hours.

Peter, don't make me drink alone.

- Uh, all... all one?
- Jesus.

[sighs]

Oh, yeah. [laughs]

I think we can be honest
with each other, Pete.

I mean, my marriage wasn't exactly

fuckin' perfect the
last couple of years.

You guys must've been
having problems, too, huh?

Were you, uh...

Oh! Fuck, yeah. You could
barely feel the pulse.

When we first got
together, I fuck, eh...

The amount of orgasms I
had, it was shattering.

Oh, God.

That's the only way I
could settle down at night.

Some people like tea and a book.

At the end... once, twice a week.

- Oh.
- If that. All of sudden,

my powerful personality emasculates him.

I mean, what man doesn't
feel like fucking?

- Uh...
- Am I right?

Uh... It's crazy.

- What about you guys, huh?
- I...

You were obviously having
problems, too. It was sexual?

Um, no. We had...

Uh, you know, I don't think it was sex.

I thought about sushi.

She always was like, "You
always want to eat sushi."

Um, she loved upstate.
I... I'm more of a city boy.

What a fuckin' snooze.

Let me tell you somethin'.

- I need your help.
- What? Okay.

New York State law is very clear

that if we could prove
infidelity, they get nothing.

- You want to...
- I got to prove their infidelity.

I got a six million dollar fortune.

- Holy shit! Really?
- So I need your help, Pete.

- What are we gonna do?
- What do you mean?

If you have a joint
phone, you can get the

phone company to release
the records to you,

and then we have proof,
and then they get nothing.

- What about a GPS?
- Like... Yeah, we have a GPS.

- In the car.
- Why don't you fucking check it?

Then you can tell where she went.

Or, maybe, we just...

move on, you know?

And what am I supposed
to do, start over?

What, am I gonna text
strangers pictures of my clam?

Maybe we just live well.

Isn't... isn't that a
good... the best revenge?

Shouldn't we just let sleeping
dogs... have an affair,

and go off and be together
if they want to be together?

Are you familiar with Shania Twain?

Yeah. "That Don't Impress on Me Much"?

Yeah. She got cheated on, and
then you know what she did?

What?

She slept with the man
who was married to the lady

who stole her husband
and broke up her marriage.

And it wasn't just a
one-night stand, Pete.

[whispers] They enjoyed the feeling.

Okay. Um, thank you for the drink...

I don't want to be alone tonight.

Um... I'm gonna go.

Meet me in the bathroom. I'm
gonna leave the door open.

No...

I'm going this way.

Comedienne: You know, I'm in my
30s, this is a horny time for me.

People don't tell
women that in your 30s,

like, your sex drive, that shit will

have you lookin' at dudes with, like,

- full-face tattoos.
- [laughter]

Good set.

Oh. Thanks, man.

Yeah, they were good tonight.

You're gettin' better.
Glad I took a chance on you.

- [cell phone ringing]
- Thanks.

Sorry.

Andy: Who's that?

Just this woman, wants
to have sex with me.

That woman wants to fuck you?

This is Shania Twain. This
is not the woman sending...

- [cell phone ringing]
- Oh, God. Oh, my God.

What is that?

Oh! That's a clam.

Ho! You got to send a picture back.

- What?
- If you get a picture of a clam,

you have to send back a picture
of your man clam or it's rude.

Look, I'm not gonna send this woman

a... a dick pic. I barely know her.

You don't have to use your
own dick for dick pics.

You just Google... picture of dick.

Got to make sure it looks
enough like your dick,

because you don't want
your dick pick to write

a check that your real dick can't cash.

I got it.

- You want to see the dick I use?
- No.

It might be able to work for both of us.

I have an Indian friend who
uses a picture of my actual dick.

I don't want to use your dick.

She's probably sitting
at home, wondering

what's wrong with her clam. Rude.

I'm not sending a real or a fake dick.

I don't even want to
see this person again.

A guy like you, in a shirt like that,

you shouldn't be turning down
pussy, is what I'm saying.

[sighs]

[over headphones]
It
just takes some time

- Hey, Pete.
- Geez! What the fuck, man!

Hey, Leif, Pete. It's Leif, man.

- God! You scared the shit out of me.
- Okay, I'm sorry.

How did you even know
where I was gonna be?

You tweeted about it like four times.

How was the show? Was it okay?

What? What do you want?

I know that Julie and
you met today, and...

I don't... I am not talking
about that with you, okay?

Well, look, uh, it's
just that, I know she...

I know she came, and...
and got... got to you,

and she's just trying
to get between us, man,

so that she can take
what's rightfully mine.

What are you talking
about? You cheated on her.

Yes! But she emotionally
abandoned me first, man,

that's when the marital contract ended.

She claims that she started this really

successful business all by herself,

but, man, I was the one at home.

I was the one tending to everything,

making sure things were
perfect, loving her all the time.

It didn't give me any chance to
go out and earn anything else.

- So you think you deserve half?
- Yes!

- Half of your wife's fortune?
- Yes! Like an NBA wife, yes.

God, I don't want to be involved, okay?

Okay, well, you are involved, Pete.

I'm thinking about the future,

my future, Jess's future. We need it.

So what? You want me to lie?

I... I walked in on you!

I saw you having sex with
another woman! My wife!

Maybe you didn't, maybe you did.

What?

Maybe you did not.

Think about it, man.
Protect the people you love.

This is Jess's money, too, man.

- I don't want to...
- We need it.

- Fuck off, okay?
- Okay.

I will fuck off, but...

you got to listen to your heart, man.

I know it's in your body,
but it's got a little mouth.

Listen to it.

And I... And I know you'll
do the right thing, Pete.

I believe in you.

I always have.

I got to tell you, I don't
even think I remember my prom,

but I do remember that I did not find

a date until two days before the prom.

- [laughter]
- So I cut that kind of close.

My boyfriend at the time, well,
I thought he was taking me,

and it turns out, he
was dating someone else.

- [gasps]
- Yeah.

- He was cheating on you on prom week?
- Yeah.

I ended up taking, um, the best
date possible... uh, myself.

- Rachael: Yes!
- [cheering]

Thank you so mu... Like, it's...
it's really... It was defining.

Because, you know, I
was prom queen, you know.

- Woo!
- Yeah, yeah.

Or I think I was a
runner-up, or whatever.

But I just... I, like,
had a blast, you know.

I was with my friends, and I was like,

"You know what? I don't need a man

to like, have fun." You know?

That's right, you learned
it at an early age.

- [cheering]
- Yeah. Thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, and you know what? You know what?

It's like... It's like,
you can cheat on me,

but you can't cheat on this!

- Yeah!
- [cheering]

We'll be right back. I'll
meet you guys in the kitchen

for my Macho Gazpacho.

Thank you again, Vanessa. It
was really good, really good.

Okay, there she is,
everybody! That was amazing!

We're clear, guys, you can sit down!

- Wow, that was incredible, right?
- Audience: Yeah.

That was moving, uh, very inspiring.

I've never seen an
audience give so much love

to a guest like that,
that was incredible.

Wow, what a story.

Anybody here ever been cheated on?

I know, it's kind of
raw, right? It's hard.

I, myself, I was actually married,

and I just walked in on
my wife having an affair.

[audience groans]

I know, that's the
correct response, good.

[laughter]

And it was hard, it was rough.

- The guy's name was Leif.
- [laughter]

Yeah, that's real. He's
named after foliage.

[laughter]

People drive to Vermont
to see him in the fall.

And I walked in on my wife...

being a real Leif-blower,
if you know what...

[groans, laughter]

Yeah, imagine how I
felt! It was terrible.

But, you know, just like Vanessa,
she... she didn't stop me.

This is like, what, 10 days later?

It's only a little bit later,
and here I am, living my dream.

- Woman: Aw.
- Show business.

Warmin' up you wonderful
people at Rachael Ray.

'Cause you can cheat on me,
but you can't stop this, right?

- [cheers, laughter]
- Right?

You guys are wonderful.

- [bell ringing]
- Uh, okay. I'm getting the signal

that we need to... We
need to go right back.

So, big, big, big, big
applause! Big... Up, up, up!

And we'll bring her
back! Up, up, up, up, up!

It's time for the gazpacho!

All right, guys! Welcome back.
As promised, I'm gonna show you...

[whispering] What?
What are you doing here?

You knew! You knew the entire time,
but you didn't say anything to me?

[whispering] Shut up! Shh!

[whispers] Oh, you want me to be quiet?

Yes, I'm on... I'm on my job.

I can't talk about this here.

Oh, are you in it for the money?

Oh, my God. It's so
obvious to me right now.

- You're in it for my money.
- That is not true.

- Oh, it's not?
- I don't want to help...

- Then why don't you want to help me?
- You're very scary.

I don't think it's right to go after
these people. Let's just move on.

Your wife was cheating with my husband

and you didn't say anything to me.

Shut up! Shh! I wanted to tell you.

I just... It was an awkward situation.

My wife had an affair.
I don't have to call

the wife of the guy she had sex with.

Well, you're a monster,
and you're a criminal.

I'm not... Listen, I'm sorry. We
can figure this out. Please sit down.

[whispering] I can't believe
that I was gonna fuck you.

Rachael: So I'm gonna take
a break and zhuzh this up.

We come back, I'll show you the
Margarita Shrimp. Come on back.

- [blender whirring loudly]
- Woo!

[applause]

Lot of applause! Lot of
applause! Up, up, up, up!

Wasn't that great?

All right. Um, we got,
uh... We got the gazpacho.

It's uh... uh, ready.

And then we got the... enchilada recipe.

Uh, those are... those
are both gonna be available

at, um, Rachel Ray, obviously, dot-com.

So we just have, uh,
we have a minute here.

Uh, why don't I... Who
haven't I talked to?

- Sorry.
- [audience gasps, murmurs]

- I'm trippin'.
- [laughter]

Whoa! I'm trippin', Boo!

I'll just... I'll stay
down here where it's safe.

Um, how about you,
ma... Uh, madam? Madam?

What's your name? My name's Elsa.

- Elsa. Give it up for Elsa.
- [applause]

Um, are you married? We're
talking a lot about marriage.

Yes, I am. Fifty-two years.

Fifty-two big ones. Yeah.

Uh, great. Um... What is the secret

to a happy marriage, would you say?

- Love.
- That's great.

Yeah, you can... We can clap for love.

This guy's not clapping.
Uh, you're not...

Do you think it's
love? Yeah... and oral.

[whoops and laughter]

Man: Yeah!

Woo! Okay.

That's not exactly a Rachael
Ray Show kind of joke,

but, look, they love it, they love it.

Oral, Elsa. Elsa, do you think oral,

is that a part of a happy marriage?

Everybody ha... Everybody does it.

Sex? Oral sex? I've
done it. They've done it.

You've definitely... you've done it.

[whoops, laughter]

But, uh, yeah, I mean,
even conservatively,

52 years, once a month, that's...

That's way too low.
At least once a week.

Once a week? She says
at least once a week,

sitting next to the happiest
man in America right there.

So, okay, Elsa...

52 weeks in a year, 52
years, 52 times 52...

- Twenty-seven hundred!
- [laughter]

That's amazing!

Uh, so, you know,
don't... don't freak out,

but, Elsa, if their math checks out,

you have given at least
two-thousand, seven-hundred BJs.

[laughter, cheers]

How was I supposed to know
that was Rachael's mom?

You said you're a huge fan of
the show, she's on all the time.

Well, she brought it up. No,
she did not bring up blow jobs.

- Yes, she did!
- No, Pete, we have it on tape.

Well, play back the tape,
and you will see a woman

- that's obsessed with oral sex.
- [Schmitty sighs]

Do you like comedy?

Great live comedy, guys. Two-for-one.

- Two-for-one with the flier.
- No.

- We got a great live show.
- Come on, come on, come on.

Head in the game. Jim
Gaffigan. I get it.

We got a great live comedy show.
Hey! Great live comedy show!

Check it out! Check it out!
Two-for-one! Boston... Comedy Club.

Hey, where we goin'? Where
we goin'? Where we goin'?

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www.addic7ed.com

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