Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:05,548 --> 00:00:09,591
[trash truck whirring, beeping outside]
2
00:00:12,138 --> 00:00:15,139
[clattering]
3
00:00:15,182 --> 00:00:18,267
- [jack hammer rattling]
- [men shouting indistinctly]
4
00:00:19,004 --> 00:00:21,004
Of course.
5
00:00:24,525 --> 00:00:27,776
- [switch clicks]
- [exhaust fan whirs, stops]
6
00:00:29,822 --> 00:00:30,988
[sighs]
7
00:00:31,031 --> 00:00:34,158
- [water splashing]
- [distant siren blares]
8
00:00:43,085 --> 00:00:45,461
[sighs]
9
00:00:45,504 --> 00:00:47,337
[clinking]
10
00:00:56,849 --> 00:01:01,643
[playing over PA]
I don't know
how this whole business started
11
00:01:01,687 --> 00:01:07,524
Of you thinkin' that
I have been untrue
12
00:01:10,696 --> 00:01:12,196
[beeping]
13
00:01:12,731 --> 00:01:13,981
Thirty-one, twenty-five.
14
00:01:14,006 --> 00:01:16,992
But if you think that
we'd be better parted
15
00:01:17,036 --> 00:01:18,660
Oh, my God.
16
00:01:18,704 --> 00:01:19,870
This is embarrassing.
17
00:01:19,914 --> 00:01:22,539
I... I just realized
I don't have my wallet.
18
00:01:23,278 --> 00:01:25,000
I was mugged last night.
19
00:01:25,044 --> 00:01:28,212
Sorry. You may have
all of this for free.
20
00:01:28,255 --> 00:01:30,631
Why don't you take a chips
and a soda while you're at it?
21
00:01:30,674 --> 00:01:33,050
I really kind of customized
the plate, you know,
22
00:01:33,093 --> 00:01:36,178
like chicken wing, fill-in
rice, and that came with...
23
00:01:36,222 --> 00:01:38,347
It's all personalized.
24
00:01:38,390 --> 00:01:40,098
I don't think you can...
25
00:01:40,142 --> 00:01:41,517
just put it back. I mean...
26
00:01:41,560 --> 00:01:42,643
Yeah, we can.
27
00:01:42,686 --> 00:01:45,771
Hey, Tommy, we have a put-back.
28
00:01:46,941 --> 00:01:48,524
With sauce.
29
00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:53,570
30
00:02:05,459 --> 00:02:06,917
[sighs]
31
00:02:15,970 --> 00:02:17,427
- [grunts]
- Oh, God!
32
00:02:17,471 --> 00:02:19,263
What the fuck, man?
33
00:02:19,306 --> 00:02:20,305
Oh, gee. I'm sorry.
34
00:02:20,349 --> 00:02:21,473
Why don't you buzz?
35
00:02:21,517 --> 00:02:22,850
There's a buzz? Yeah, there's a buzz.
36
00:02:22,893 --> 00:02:24,309
This is an apartment
building in New York.
37
00:02:24,353 --> 00:02:26,353
You don't knock. Nobody knocks.
38
00:02:27,084 --> 00:02:28,021
I...
39
00:02:28,301 --> 00:02:29,750
I'm sorry, Artie.
40
00:02:29,775 --> 00:02:30,816
[grunts]
41
00:02:32,027 --> 00:02:33,944
It's a... It's a two-key system.
42
00:02:33,988 --> 00:02:35,487
I... I didn't know.
43
00:02:35,531 --> 00:02:37,326
What are you doin' up so early anyway?
44
00:02:37,351 --> 00:02:38,574
What do you mean?
45
00:02:38,617 --> 00:02:39,950
It's after noon.
46
00:02:39,994 --> 00:02:41,660
I mean... we slept in.
47
00:02:41,704 --> 00:02:43,453
You see cigarettes around here anywhere?
48
00:02:43,497 --> 00:02:45,497
There's cigarettes everywhere.
49
00:02:45,541 --> 00:02:47,056
So, what's your plan?
50
00:02:47,585 --> 00:02:49,585
Well, if it's okay, I was just gonna
51
00:02:49,628 --> 00:02:52,158
kind of camp out on the couch, maybe...
52
00:02:52,756 --> 00:02:54,673
- watch a sad movie.
- I understand.
53
00:02:54,717 --> 00:02:56,884
Sometimes when I'm sad, I
like to watch sad movies.
54
00:02:56,927 --> 00:02:58,719
You know, seeing somebody else cry
55
00:02:58,762 --> 00:03:00,793
kind of helps me get a good cry going.
56
00:03:01,473 --> 00:03:03,557
Well, that's a good
idea. That's a great idea.
57
00:03:03,601 --> 00:03:04,766
I think you should just sit here.
58
00:03:04,810 --> 00:03:07,019
Let me know if you
need help crying later.
59
00:03:07,062 --> 00:03:09,438
I'll be happy to help you out
with that. Are you a man or what?
60
00:03:09,481 --> 00:03:10,772
Be a man. What?
61
00:03:10,816 --> 00:03:12,357
Forget about it. Your wife left you.
62
00:03:12,401 --> 00:03:14,151
Oh, big deal. Suppress those feelings.
63
00:03:14,194 --> 00:03:15,235
That's what a man does.
64
00:03:15,279 --> 00:03:17,070
Keep 'em down. Keep 'em deep down.
65
00:03:17,114 --> 00:03:19,156
Distract yourself. That's what men do.
66
00:03:19,199 --> 00:03:20,240
You gotta make money.
67
00:03:20,284 --> 00:03:22,242
You can't have emotions and make money.
68
00:03:22,286 --> 00:03:25,487
Just keep a blank stare on
your face, do as you're told,
69
00:03:25,831 --> 00:03:27,205
then one day,
70
00:03:27,249 --> 00:03:29,791
you have a heart attack. If
you're lucky, you go clean.
71
00:03:30,001 --> 00:03:31,209
"Go clean"?
72
00:03:31,234 --> 00:03:32,525
Here's what I gotta do.
73
00:03:33,073 --> 00:03:35,380
I'm going to Albany. I got a gig.
74
00:03:35,424 --> 00:03:37,549
It's a benefit, but I get paid.
75
00:03:37,593 --> 00:03:38,977
You saying you want me to leave?
76
00:03:39,002 --> 00:03:41,011
No, what I'm saying is I need a ride.
77
00:03:41,055 --> 00:03:43,764
I could either pay somebody,
or you could drive me
78
00:03:43,807 --> 00:03:46,433
to Albany for free, and
when we get up there,
79
00:03:46,477 --> 00:03:48,449
you do a few minutes up front, on stage.
80
00:03:48,692 --> 00:03:50,005
You want me to open for you?
81
00:03:50,048 --> 00:03:51,895
No, I want your car to open for me.
82
00:03:51,920 --> 00:03:54,004
I need a ride to Albany
is what I'm tellin' you.
83
00:03:54,029 --> 00:03:55,528
How much time do you want me to do?
84
00:03:55,791 --> 00:03:57,446
How long does it take to say,
"Here's Artie"?
85
00:03:57,471 --> 00:03:58,555
[chuckles]
86
00:03:58,599 --> 00:04:00,265
87
00:04:07,316 --> 00:04:09,232
You got any CDs in this piece of shit?
88
00:04:09,276 --> 00:04:10,734
Yeah. Whatever you
want. We got... we got...
89
00:04:10,777 --> 00:04:12,611
Oh, here we go. You
got your little CD book.
90
00:04:12,654 --> 00:04:13,786
Yeah, nice little s?lection.
91
00:04:13,811 --> 00:04:15,227
Huh. Paula Poundstone.
92
00:04:15,574 --> 00:04:17,991
She's funny. What's "Jars of Clay"?
93
00:04:18,035 --> 00:04:19,701
That's, uh, that's... That's music.
94
00:04:19,745 --> 00:04:20,994
- It's a rock band.
- Oh, yeah?
95
00:04:21,038 --> 00:04:22,746
- What do they sing?
- It's Christian rock.
96
00:04:22,789 --> 00:04:24,499
- It's probably why you haven't...
- Oh.
97
00:04:24,524 --> 00:04:26,024
- Come on.
- I can't wait.
98
00:04:26,049 --> 00:04:28,258
Artie, Jars of Clay, people make fun,
99
00:04:28,283 --> 00:04:29,825
but they rock, man. They rock.
100
00:04:29,850 --> 00:04:31,100
It's music with a message.
101
00:04:31,381 --> 00:04:33,256
What's the message, "kill yourself"?
102
00:04:33,300 --> 00:04:34,799
Check it out.
103
00:04:34,843 --> 00:04:38,720
-
But if I can't swim after 40 days
- [singing along]
104
00:04:38,764 --> 00:04:41,389
-
And my mind gets crushed...
- [singing along]
105
00:04:41,433 --> 00:04:42,849
All right, let's stop. Come on, man.
106
00:04:42,893 --> 00:04:44,935
I'm gonna... I'm gonna tuck and roll
107
00:04:44,978 --> 00:04:47,056
out of the car if you
keep that on. Here.
108
00:04:47,814 --> 00:04:49,439
Poundstone: I'm not keepin' canned goods
109
00:04:49,483 --> 00:04:51,274
in my apartment for an earthquake.
110
00:04:51,318 --> 00:04:53,235
If I get trapped beneath
a beam for three days,
111
00:04:53,278 --> 00:04:55,153
I'm gonna at least lose weight.
112
00:04:55,197 --> 00:04:57,489
[audience laughs]
113
00:04:57,532 --> 00:05:00,116
114
00:05:04,206 --> 00:05:06,109
How depressing is this place, man?
115
00:05:06,875 --> 00:05:09,042
- What are you talking about?
- What am I talking about?
116
00:05:09,086 --> 00:05:12,045
Look around you. "Help wanted."
117
00:05:12,089 --> 00:05:13,755
The sign looks depressed.
118
00:05:13,799 --> 00:05:15,423
I don't know, Artie.
It's nice. It's fine.
119
00:05:15,467 --> 00:05:17,384
We're on the road. I'm
eating french fries.
120
00:05:17,427 --> 00:05:20,038
I get depressed gettin' up in the
morning and I'm a successful comedian.
121
00:05:20,847 --> 00:05:22,430
Imagine getting up and you work here.
122
00:05:22,474 --> 00:05:24,099
You gotta put that apron on.
123
00:05:24,142 --> 00:05:26,601
It's a... it's a job.
It's service industry.
124
00:05:26,645 --> 00:05:28,603
- It's a calling.
- I'm sorry.
125
00:05:28,647 --> 00:05:30,438
Looks like an avalanche of the blues.
126
00:05:30,482 --> 00:05:31,523
I don't know if I can do this.
127
00:05:31,566 --> 00:05:33,024
I need your help tonight, man.
128
00:05:33,068 --> 00:05:34,646
What do you mean?
129
00:05:34,671 --> 00:05:36,111
I've never been to Albany... sober.
130
00:05:36,154 --> 00:05:38,238
You were using the
last time you were here?
131
00:05:38,282 --> 00:05:40,407
Let me think. Yeah. Yeah.
132
00:05:40,450 --> 00:05:42,617
[laughs] Listen.
133
00:05:42,661 --> 00:05:45,120
I'm being dead serious.
This is gonna sound odd.
134
00:05:45,163 --> 00:05:46,579
You gotta save my life tonight.
135
00:05:46,623 --> 00:05:48,290
All right? No pressure.
136
00:05:48,333 --> 00:05:49,958
You gotta keep me from gettin' high.
137
00:05:50,002 --> 00:05:51,459
- Okay.
- You think you can do that?
138
00:05:51,503 --> 00:05:52,961
- Yeah, of course.
- All right. Honestly.
139
00:05:53,005 --> 00:05:54,921
It's not easy. You
gotta intercept drugs.
140
00:05:54,965 --> 00:05:56,840
I can do that. I can intercept.
141
00:05:56,883 --> 00:05:58,383
It not like we're buying drugs either.
142
00:05:58,427 --> 00:05:59,968
People give me drugs.
143
00:06:00,012 --> 00:06:02,387
- I've never done drugs.
- You've never done any drugs?
144
00:06:02,431 --> 00:06:03,805
Smoke a little weed, nothing?
145
00:06:03,849 --> 00:06:05,807
When I was 10, I went through a phase
146
00:06:05,851 --> 00:06:07,726
where I couldn't fall
asleep without a Tylenol PM.
147
00:06:07,769 --> 00:06:08,851
Is that phase over?
148
00:06:08,876 --> 00:06:10,501
- Yeah, I got through it.
- Oh, that's great.
149
00:06:10,731 --> 00:06:12,939
This diner feels like 2 Broke Girls.
150
00:06:12,983 --> 00:06:14,892
2 Broke Girls, One Cup.
151
00:06:16,028 --> 00:06:17,861
152
00:06:19,072 --> 00:06:20,905
[lively chattering]
153
00:06:23,160 --> 00:06:25,493
I have this joke about
do you think vampires
154
00:06:25,537 --> 00:06:27,203
are afraid of lowercase T's.
155
00:06:27,247 --> 00:06:28,830
Do you think that'll work in Albany?
156
00:06:28,874 --> 00:06:30,498
I don't think that would work anywhere.
157
00:06:30,542 --> 00:06:33,835
I can't believe I'm back in
this fucking shithole, man.
158
00:06:33,879 --> 00:06:35,920
How depressing. Look at this place.
159
00:06:35,964 --> 00:06:37,088
I can't take this, man.
160
00:06:37,132 --> 00:06:39,222
Hey, you guys need anything?
161
00:06:39,270 --> 00:06:40,978
- Let me get a Coke.
- He'll have soda.
162
00:06:41,022 --> 00:06:42,688
- Coke soda.
- Soda.
163
00:06:43,316 --> 00:06:45,107
In the red can, you know?
164
00:06:45,250 --> 00:06:47,359
Yeah. Okay, be right back.
165
00:06:48,211 --> 00:06:50,321
Artie, I'm gonna get
a Diet Coke actually.
166
00:06:50,364 --> 00:06:51,363
- All right.
- Okay.
167
00:06:51,407 --> 00:06:52,490
- Yeah, that'll work.
- Yeah.
168
00:06:52,533 --> 00:06:53,532
A Diet, yeah.
169
00:06:53,576 --> 00:06:55,326
Yeah, it's good to be... green room.
170
00:06:56,110 --> 00:06:58,162
Excuse me. Sorry. Hi.
171
00:06:58,198 --> 00:07:00,157
Um, would you mind taking this?
172
00:07:00,625 --> 00:07:03,084
Uh, I want to make sure there's
no booze in the green room.
173
00:07:03,127 --> 00:07:06,420
It's literally my job to make sure
there's booze in the green room.
174
00:07:06,464 --> 00:07:09,006
Uh, sure, um, but Artie is sober,
175
00:07:09,050 --> 00:07:12,009
so I don't want to
tempt him with alcohol.
176
00:07:12,053 --> 00:07:14,470
You realize he's not the
only one on the bill, right?
177
00:07:16,724 --> 00:07:18,140
No, we're co-headlining,
178
00:07:18,184 --> 00:07:19,809
so we should be doing the
same amount of time.
179
00:07:19,852 --> 00:07:21,894
You don't do an hour
and I do 30 minutes.
180
00:07:21,938 --> 00:07:24,355
Then I'm just featuring for
you. Let's both do 45 minutes.
181
00:07:24,398 --> 00:07:26,065
Do you really want to do
an hour for these schmucks?
182
00:07:26,109 --> 00:07:27,399
- Yeah, I do!
- Oh, you do?
183
00:07:27,443 --> 00:07:28,859
Okay, guess what? I'm doing an hour.
184
00:07:28,903 --> 00:07:30,736
You do 30 minutes.
You're the opener. Get it?
185
00:07:30,780 --> 00:07:32,196
No, I'm not the fucking opener.
186
00:07:32,240 --> 00:07:34,115
- Yes, you are.
- Thank... thank you very much, Katie.
187
00:07:34,158 --> 00:07:36,367
- Katie: Sorry.
- Artie, if you were in my position,
188
00:07:36,410 --> 00:07:38,661
you would not just do a
half an hour and shut up.
189
00:07:38,704 --> 00:07:40,371
Um, sorry.
190
00:07:40,414 --> 00:07:41,580
I'm... I'm Pete.
191
00:07:41,624 --> 00:07:43,749
I drove up with Artie. I'm the opener.
192
00:07:43,793 --> 00:07:45,334
Hey, Pete, hold on one second.
193
00:07:45,378 --> 00:07:46,752
What the fuck, Artie?
You brought a opener?
194
00:07:46,796 --> 00:07:48,420
I don't think we need to fight.
195
00:07:48,464 --> 00:07:50,714
We can just... I'll go up,
196
00:07:50,758 --> 00:07:52,091
I'll do just five minutes,
197
00:07:52,135 --> 00:07:53,300
I'll bring TJ up.
198
00:07:53,344 --> 00:07:55,386
TJ, is there something
you want me to say?
199
00:07:55,429 --> 00:07:57,680
Just say my name and Yogi
Bear 3D. They know who I am.
200
00:07:57,723 --> 00:07:59,854
- Right, now, don't touch...
- You're Yogi Bear?
201
00:07:59,879 --> 00:08:02,309
- No, I'm Ranger Jones, okay?
- Okay, I'm sorry.
202
00:08:02,353 --> 00:08:05,020
I like that movie. Justin
Timberlake was Boo-Boo.
203
00:08:06,065 --> 00:08:08,190
Look, man, we're co-headlining, okay?
204
00:08:08,234 --> 00:08:10,943
I'm doin' an hour, so it's
you, then me, and that's it.
205
00:08:10,987 --> 00:08:12,363
Fuck it. I don't give a shit.
206
00:08:12,388 --> 00:08:14,071
You do whatever time you want.
207
00:08:14,115 --> 00:08:16,758
How does it feel knowing you'll
never be as funny as your outfit?
208
00:08:16,783 --> 00:08:18,366
You should open and close
your hour with that.
209
00:08:18,391 --> 00:08:19,350
I might.
210
00:08:19,375 --> 00:08:22,079
You're making fun of me? You look
like you work for a homeless person.
211
00:08:22,123 --> 00:08:24,165
- Uh, well...
- You interning on Skid Row?
212
00:08:24,208 --> 00:08:26,448
What cargo are you carrying
in cargo pants?
213
00:08:26,473 --> 00:08:27,835
Um, I don't have a style.
214
00:08:27,879 --> 00:08:29,670
Are you carrying nostalgia for the '90s?
215
00:08:29,714 --> 00:08:31,714
[loud chattering]
216
00:08:33,843 --> 00:08:35,176
Artie brought an emcee.
217
00:08:35,219 --> 00:08:36,677
Bring him up. We gotta start now.
218
00:08:36,721 --> 00:08:37,928
Copy that.
219
00:08:39,390 --> 00:08:42,308
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome to the stage
220
00:08:42,351 --> 00:08:44,576
your first performer of the evening...
221
00:08:45,396 --> 00:08:47,438
- What's his name?
- I don't know.
222
00:08:48,774 --> 00:08:49,899
Here he is!
223
00:08:49,942 --> 00:08:52,151
[loud chattering]
224
00:08:53,460 --> 00:08:55,915
Hey! [scattered applause]
225
00:08:56,951 --> 00:08:59,118
Hey, Albany, how you doing tonight?
226
00:08:59,335 --> 00:09:01,785
Let's give it up for
ourselves for coming out!
227
00:09:03,748 --> 00:09:05,539
Can we get this on, please?
Can we get the mic...
228
00:09:05,583 --> 00:09:06,749
[louder] There we go. Hey!
229
00:09:06,792 --> 00:09:08,584
- Hey! All right!
- [cheers, applause]
230
00:09:08,628 --> 00:09:09,835
Hey!
231
00:09:09,879 --> 00:09:11,159
Albany!
232
00:09:11,841 --> 00:09:13,380
Uh, thanks for comin' out, everybody,
233
00:09:13,424 --> 00:09:15,250
and, uh, for a great cause.
234
00:09:15,275 --> 00:09:17,426
You guys, give it up
for Haha's for Tatas.
235
00:09:17,470 --> 00:09:20,471
- That's what tonight is all about.
- [applause]
236
00:09:22,094 --> 00:09:23,218
I like Albany.
237
00:09:23,377 --> 00:09:25,100
It's all of the "bany."
238
00:09:26,081 --> 00:09:28,062
It's not some of the
"bany." I like that.
239
00:09:28,932 --> 00:09:30,265
[chuckles]
240
00:09:31,400 --> 00:09:32,983
Uh, I'm not racist, but do you think
241
00:09:33,027 --> 00:09:35,945
at the very first meeting
of the KKK, anyone there
242
00:09:35,988 --> 00:09:39,281
pushed for the correct
spelling of "klan"?
243
00:09:39,325 --> 00:09:41,033
[scattered laughter]
244
00:09:41,077 --> 00:09:43,410
I like to think there was one guy there,
245
00:09:43,454 --> 00:09:45,663
overalls, no shirt, holding a torch,
246
00:09:45,706 --> 00:09:48,832
it's just driving him crazy
in the back. Just like...
247
00:09:52,004 --> 00:09:54,713
"It's K-K-C." And then they get him.
248
00:09:54,757 --> 00:09:56,131
[scattered laughter]
249
00:09:56,175 --> 00:09:58,384
There's no way they're
not gonna get him for that.
250
00:09:58,427 --> 00:10:00,678
It's a rare person
who hates bad spelling
251
00:10:00,721 --> 00:10:02,680
and people who are different.
252
00:10:02,723 --> 00:10:04,306
[scattered laughter]
253
00:10:04,350 --> 00:10:05,808
Well, okay.
254
00:10:05,851 --> 00:10:07,768
They're not all...
255
00:10:07,812 --> 00:10:09,895
road-tested.
256
00:10:12,015 --> 00:10:14,024
I love Chinese food. Do you guys ha...
257
00:10:14,068 --> 00:10:15,359
You like Chinese food, Albany?
258
00:10:15,403 --> 00:10:18,612
[cheers, applause]
259
00:10:18,656 --> 00:10:20,030
It can be confusing though.
260
00:10:20,074 --> 00:10:22,783
- Like crab ring...
- Man: Cream of some young guy!
261
00:10:22,827 --> 00:10:24,159
[laughter]
262
00:10:24,203 --> 00:10:25,869
I killed it!
263
00:10:28,624 --> 00:10:31,166
Okay. Well, uh...
264
00:10:31,210 --> 00:10:33,210
What do you say we keep
this going? I, uh...
265
00:10:33,254 --> 00:10:35,754
- [applause]
- We'll bring out your next comedian.
266
00:10:35,798 --> 00:10:38,966
- You guys excited?
- [cheers]
267
00:10:39,010 --> 00:10:40,718
Your next comedian coming to the stage
268
00:10:40,761 --> 00:10:42,219
was in, uh, all sorts of things.
269
00:10:42,263 --> 00:10:45,431
Transformers 4, uh, he was in Yogi Bear.
270
00:10:45,474 --> 00:10:47,391
Please give it up for
TJ Miller, everybody.
271
00:10:47,435 --> 00:10:48,851
- TJ Miller!
- [cheering]
272
00:10:48,894 --> 00:10:50,352
Yeah!
273
00:10:50,396 --> 00:10:52,229
Yeah!
274
00:10:52,273 --> 00:10:53,897
Hey, great job!
275
00:10:53,941 --> 00:10:55,566
Yeah!
276
00:10:56,902 --> 00:10:59,028
Yeah!
277
00:10:59,071 --> 00:11:00,362
Yeah, yeah!
278
00:11:02,575 --> 00:11:04,325
I know that I look like a ma?tre d
279
00:11:04,368 --> 00:11:06,577
who was fired earlier on in the day
280
00:11:06,620 --> 00:11:08,537
that has to finish his shift.
281
00:11:08,581 --> 00:11:09,997
[laughter]
282
00:11:10,661 --> 00:11:12,583
I have a prescription for marijuana.
283
00:11:12,626 --> 00:11:13,834
- Um...
- [cheering]
284
00:11:13,878 --> 00:11:15,419
It's for anxiety.
285
00:11:15,463 --> 00:11:18,505
Primarily, anxiety about
getting arrested for marijuana.
286
00:11:18,549 --> 00:11:19,798
[laughter]
287
00:11:19,842 --> 00:11:22,051
So, it's cleared that right up.
288
00:11:22,094 --> 00:11:23,552
That's true.
289
00:11:23,596 --> 00:11:26,221
You know, there are a lot
of people that describe,
290
00:11:26,265 --> 00:11:28,932
uh, women with, uh,
you know, onomatopoeia.
291
00:11:28,976 --> 00:11:32,019
It'll be like, "Hey, you
know, she had tits like bam!"
292
00:11:32,063 --> 00:11:34,438
You know what I mean? "Ass like bow!"
293
00:11:34,482 --> 00:11:35,564
[laughter]
294
00:11:35,608 --> 00:11:38,442
But my girlfriend Kate
isn't very attractive,
295
00:11:38,486 --> 00:11:40,444
um, so I have to be like,
296
00:11:40,488 --> 00:11:44,490
"Yeah, she has breasts
like meh." You know?
297
00:11:44,533 --> 00:11:47,910
"Yeah, ass like wah-wah-wah."
298
00:11:48,413 --> 00:11:50,287
"Ankles like awooga!"
299
00:11:50,331 --> 00:11:51,747
Hey, hey.
300
00:11:51,791 --> 00:11:52,873
I'm in the green room. I...
301
00:11:52,917 --> 00:11:54,416
- Yeah? Oh, good.
- So what did you think?
302
00:11:54,460 --> 00:11:55,709
I mean, it was all right, right?
303
00:11:55,753 --> 00:11:58,128
What did I think? You ended with "Well."
304
00:11:58,570 --> 00:12:00,672
- Artie fucking Lange. Dude!
- Artie: Oh...
305
00:12:00,716 --> 00:12:02,341
Hey, man. How you doin'?
306
00:12:02,385 --> 00:12:04,093
You gotta take one of these.
307
00:12:04,136 --> 00:12:06,178
I gotta take a drink
with Artie fucking Lange.
308
00:12:06,222 --> 00:12:07,388
No, sorry, he doesn't drink, man.
309
00:12:07,431 --> 00:12:08,639
- Salud, right?
- Salud. Baba Booey.
310
00:12:08,682 --> 00:12:10,432
- Baba Booey.
- It's not... it's not...
311
00:12:10,476 --> 00:12:12,102
Hey, what the...
312
00:12:12,127 --> 00:12:13,477
Whoa.
313
00:12:13,521 --> 00:12:16,429
What the fuck are you doing?
Hey, I bought that for him.
314
00:12:17,149 --> 00:12:19,775
You're a good man and a friendly friend.
315
00:12:19,819 --> 00:12:21,360
Thanks for the drink.
He's got a show to do.
316
00:12:21,404 --> 00:12:23,362
- Artie: Sorry.
- Ho!
317
00:12:23,406 --> 00:12:25,096
Come on, let's get out of here.
318
00:12:25,408 --> 00:12:27,699
Geez Louise, let's get
some chicky-fingies.
319
00:12:27,743 --> 00:12:29,243
You know when you're, like, really drunk
320
00:12:29,286 --> 00:12:30,661
and you feel like you're gonna throw up,
321
00:12:30,704 --> 00:12:32,371
but you're like, "I bet
I can make it to brunch"?
322
00:12:32,415 --> 00:12:35,290
I rolled the dice on that. I lost, okay?
323
00:12:35,334 --> 00:12:37,960
As I begin to vomit into the street,
324
00:12:38,003 --> 00:12:40,254
I looked across and there was a woman
325
00:12:40,297 --> 00:12:42,798
sitting outside, drinking a Starbucks,
326
00:12:42,842 --> 00:12:46,468
and I just made eye contact
with her as I was vomiting
327
00:12:46,512 --> 00:12:48,595
and I held eye contact.
328
00:12:48,639 --> 00:12:49,763
It's a real story.
329
00:12:49,807 --> 00:12:51,807
I was just like... [retching].
330
00:12:51,851 --> 00:12:53,851
[retching]
331
00:12:55,479 --> 00:12:56,895
Did she go to work and she's like,
332
00:12:56,939 --> 00:13:00,524
"Oh, my God, I was so ugly
today, I made a man vomit"?
333
00:13:01,986 --> 00:13:04,945
Thank you very much.
I'm TJ Miller. Thank you.
334
00:13:04,989 --> 00:13:06,742
Cheers. Thank you.
335
00:13:07,908 --> 00:13:09,032
Thank you.
336
00:13:09,076 --> 00:13:10,701
TJ Miller, everybody!
337
00:13:10,744 --> 00:13:11,743
There goes TJ Miller!
338
00:13:11,787 --> 00:13:14,163
- Follow that.
- [scoffs]
339
00:13:14,206 --> 00:13:15,914
Fuckin' motherfucker.
340
00:13:15,958 --> 00:13:17,291
That was a long one.
341
00:13:17,334 --> 00:13:19,501
You guys, you still
have some energy in ya?
342
00:13:19,545 --> 00:13:21,753
Well, that's great 'cause
it's my honor to bring up
343
00:13:21,797 --> 00:13:23,797
the headliner for this show.
344
00:13:23,841 --> 00:13:25,466
Are you guys ready for your headliner?
345
00:13:25,509 --> 00:13:27,009
[cheering]
346
00:13:27,052 --> 00:13:30,053
Let's start clapping right now
for the amazing Artie Lange!
347
00:13:30,097 --> 00:13:33,891
- My friend Artie "New York" Lange!
- [cheering]
348
00:13:41,693 --> 00:13:43,775
We're raising money for tits tonight.
349
00:13:43,819 --> 00:13:46,320
Uh, I'll do anything for tits, right?
350
00:13:46,363 --> 00:13:47,571
Every guy, we'll do it, you know?
351
00:13:47,615 --> 00:13:49,072
I fuckin' love tits, man.
352
00:13:49,116 --> 00:13:50,699
I love tits.
353
00:13:50,743 --> 00:13:52,701
Yeah, my whole life is
trying to get in shape.
354
00:13:52,745 --> 00:13:55,037
I'm the only guy who
ever got fat on cocaine.
355
00:13:55,080 --> 00:13:57,664
[laughter]
356
00:13:57,708 --> 00:14:00,375
Yeah, I have a weird body makeup.
357
00:14:00,419 --> 00:14:03,629
I, uh, I went to rehab for coke and, uh,
358
00:14:03,672 --> 00:14:06,131
one of my counselors was a black guy,
and in the middle of group therapy,
359
00:14:06,175 --> 00:14:08,675
he said, "What are you pouring
that shit on, cheeseburgers?"
360
00:14:08,719 --> 00:14:10,135
[laughter]
361
00:14:10,179 --> 00:14:12,930
- Uh, I thought you did great. I mean...
- Oh, thanks, man.
362
00:14:12,973 --> 00:14:14,598
I thought you did pretty good too.
363
00:14:14,642 --> 00:14:15,974
- You watched?
- Yeah.
364
00:14:16,018 --> 00:14:17,142
I mean, I thought it was funny
365
00:14:17,186 --> 00:14:18,852
that when things weren't working,
366
00:14:18,896 --> 00:14:21,522
you would just keep
smiling like, you know?
367
00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:24,274
You just need to do more sets.
368
00:14:24,318 --> 00:14:25,442
I mean, you need to do
369
00:14:25,486 --> 00:14:27,569
at least six or seven
sets a week minimum.
370
00:14:27,613 --> 00:14:30,572
Sometimes you just want
to go camping or something.
371
00:14:30,616 --> 00:14:32,991
I don't go camping
unless I'm going there
372
00:14:33,035 --> 00:14:35,494
specifically to get
material about camping.
373
00:14:35,538 --> 00:14:37,079
And if you start working harder,
374
00:14:37,122 --> 00:14:38,705
maybe I'll take you out
on a couple weekends,
375
00:14:38,749 --> 00:14:40,165
you can open for me. That'd be fun.
376
00:14:40,209 --> 00:14:41,542
- Really?
- Yeah.
377
00:14:41,585 --> 00:14:44,419
Wow. I'm actually good,
but I'll... Cheers.
378
00:14:44,463 --> 00:14:46,964
But I'm not gonna drink.
I just chugged a beer.
379
00:14:47,007 --> 00:14:50,801
Pete, part of being an opener
is being a good hang, okay?
380
00:14:50,844 --> 00:14:53,053
It's like your second job.
That's how you get ahead.
381
00:14:53,097 --> 00:14:54,680
So, bottoms up.
382
00:14:54,723 --> 00:14:56,098
Here, let's each do a toast.
383
00:14:56,141 --> 00:14:58,767
Comedy. Six letters,
but a thousand reasons
384
00:14:58,811 --> 00:15:01,019
it makes the human condition easier.
385
00:15:01,063 --> 00:15:02,396
Cheers.
386
00:15:02,439 --> 00:15:03,772
Now you do one.
387
00:15:03,816 --> 00:15:05,148
Uh, to comedy.
388
00:15:05,192 --> 00:15:06,233
Take a look at your life
389
00:15:06,277 --> 00:15:08,318
and then write down some thoughts,
390
00:15:08,362 --> 00:15:10,696
memorize them, and then pass them off
391
00:15:10,739 --> 00:15:12,239
as something you're saying in the moment
392
00:15:12,283 --> 00:15:14,870
for people who are
drinking and paid a cover.
393
00:15:15,452 --> 00:15:17,703
Cheers. You're fuckin' weird.
394
00:15:17,746 --> 00:15:20,035
A guy in Albany got indicted
395
00:15:20,791 --> 00:15:23,041
for fucking four of his pets.
396
00:15:23,085 --> 00:15:25,502
- [laughter, groaning]
- A true story, okay?
397
00:15:25,546 --> 00:15:27,754
He told the cops he fucked
398
00:15:27,798 --> 00:15:29,400
three dogs...
399
00:15:30,301 --> 00:15:33,468
and my hand to God, he
said he fucked a parrot.
400
00:15:33,512 --> 00:15:35,178
[laughter]
401
00:15:35,682 --> 00:15:37,153
Let's go through this.
402
00:15:37,956 --> 00:15:40,120
We've all gotten drunk and fucked a dog.
403
00:15:41,549 --> 00:15:42,705
But a parrot?
404
00:15:42,730 --> 00:15:44,062
If you're gonna fuck an animal,
405
00:15:44,106 --> 00:15:45,689
why fuck the one animal
406
00:15:45,733 --> 00:15:47,190
that could tell somebody about it?
407
00:15:47,234 --> 00:15:49,735
[laughter]
408
00:15:49,778 --> 00:15:52,738
Uh, you know what? Dude working
the lights, stop flashing the light.
409
00:15:52,781 --> 00:15:54,364
The light means I have to get off stage.
410
00:15:54,408 --> 00:15:57,075
- I'm not getting off yet, all right?
- [cheering]
411
00:15:57,119 --> 00:16:00,329
We just sat through TJ Miller's
four-hour fucking marathon.
412
00:16:00,372 --> 00:16:01,872
[cheers, applause]
413
00:16:04,570 --> 00:16:06,126
Hey. How are ya?
414
00:16:06,170 --> 00:16:08,086
- Did you enjoy yourself?
- Yes. You were amazing.
415
00:16:08,130 --> 00:16:09,504
TJ: All right, here, ready?
416
00:16:09,548 --> 00:16:12,132
- Let's stew it!
- [cheering]
417
00:16:12,176 --> 00:16:15,052
I say it's "stew," not
"do." Let's stew it!
418
00:16:15,095 --> 00:16:18,639
So, we should probably make a
soup together is what I'm saying.
419
00:16:18,682 --> 00:16:21,016
- Hi. Oh, my God, you're so amazing.
- Hey.
420
00:16:21,060 --> 00:16:23,397
Can we... Can I hug you? I need a hug.
421
00:16:23,422 --> 00:16:24,964
- Absolutely.
- From you. Hi, I'm Susie.
422
00:16:24,989 --> 00:16:27,522
I can't tell you how
much you mean to me.
423
00:16:27,566 --> 00:16:28,565
- I mean, you just are...
- Aww.
424
00:16:28,609 --> 00:16:29,691
I'm such a big fan.
425
00:16:29,735 --> 00:16:31,151
You've literally made me laugh
426
00:16:31,195 --> 00:16:33,445
when I've been on the floor crying.
427
00:16:33,489 --> 00:16:35,364
- And I...
- Oh, thanks, doll.
428
00:16:35,407 --> 00:16:36,865
I just... I love you.
429
00:16:36,909 --> 00:16:38,950
- I really do.
- That's very nice of you to say.
430
00:16:38,994 --> 00:16:40,535
Yeah, do... Is it okay
431
00:16:40,579 --> 00:16:43,246
- if we take a picture maybe? Yeah?
- Absolutely. Sure.
432
00:16:43,583 --> 00:16:44,624
Excuse me, can you do...
433
00:16:44,649 --> 00:16:46,333
Look alive, Pete. Come on.
434
00:16:46,377 --> 00:16:47,459
[chuckles]
435
00:16:47,503 --> 00:16:49,378
- Okay.
- Get right in there.
436
00:16:49,421 --> 00:16:51,254
Hey. Do you want it, uh,
437
00:16:51,298 --> 00:16:53,048
- landscape or portrait?
- Susie: Yeah, whatever.
438
00:16:53,092 --> 00:16:55,342
- Whatever takes the longest. Just...
- [shutter clicks]
439
00:16:55,386 --> 00:16:56,677
- Oh, that works.
- [laughs]
440
00:16:56,720 --> 00:16:58,804
- That works. That's great.
- Thank you.
441
00:16:58,847 --> 00:17:00,764
Susie: Um, listen, um...
442
00:17:00,808 --> 00:17:02,724
- if you want to later, um,
- Yeah?
443
00:17:02,768 --> 00:17:04,893
If you feel like partying
a little bit later,
444
00:17:04,937 --> 00:17:06,353
- Yeah?
- I've got...
445
00:17:06,397 --> 00:17:08,563
I, uh, I took a couple each way.
446
00:17:08,607 --> 00:17:09,690
Oh, thank you so much.
447
00:17:09,733 --> 00:17:11,358
- Good job. You're done now.
- Thanks a lot.
448
00:17:11,402 --> 00:17:13,694
- Anyway, yeah...
- [whispering] Absolutely.
449
00:17:13,737 --> 00:17:14,945
- Okay, yeah, okay.
- I'll see you later.
450
00:17:14,988 --> 00:17:16,196
Yeah, I'll see you.
451
00:17:16,240 --> 00:17:17,469
Artie?
452
00:17:19,018 --> 00:17:20,409
Do you have something for me?
453
00:17:21,122 --> 00:17:22,285
Yeah, a fist.
454
00:17:22,310 --> 00:17:23,537
Let's go. Let's go, let's go.
455
00:17:23,580 --> 00:17:25,247
Come on, man. Look alive.
456
00:17:25,290 --> 00:17:27,207
High fives in the back,
high fives in the back.
457
00:17:27,251 --> 00:17:29,584
Yeah. Hey, not you. You just got here.
458
00:17:29,628 --> 00:17:31,461
459
00:17:33,382 --> 00:17:34,965
Real quick. You got it.
460
00:17:35,008 --> 00:17:36,508
You guys are the last two.
461
00:17:36,552 --> 00:17:38,051
Good luck with everything, okay?
462
00:17:38,095 --> 00:17:39,594
See ya later. Have a safe drive home.
463
00:17:39,638 --> 00:17:41,197
- You too.
- Okay.
464
00:17:43,345 --> 00:17:44,266
[sighs]
465
00:17:44,309 --> 00:17:46,685
All: Fuck cancer! Opa!
466
00:17:46,729 --> 00:17:48,145
Shoot it! Shoot, shoot!
467
00:17:48,986 --> 00:17:50,063
TJ: Yeah!
468
00:17:50,107 --> 00:17:52,315
All right, that was pretty good, right?
469
00:17:52,359 --> 00:17:53,567
You guys want to do another?
470
00:17:53,610 --> 00:17:55,360
Everybody again, "opa" on three.
471
00:17:55,404 --> 00:17:58,363
- One, two, three.
- Group: Opa!
472
00:17:58,407 --> 00:18:00,487
That's a good one.
Oh, you guys are great.
473
00:18:00,512 --> 00:18:02,492
[conversation continues indistinctly]
474
00:18:02,536 --> 00:18:05,162
Excuse me. Can we settle up?
475
00:18:05,205 --> 00:18:06,496
Sorry, what?
476
00:18:06,540 --> 00:18:07,956
I'd like to pay you.
477
00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:09,458
Oh. Uh, yeah.
478
00:18:09,501 --> 00:18:11,168
Yes, please.
479
00:18:11,211 --> 00:18:13,211
Do you have a loan out
or should I make it out
480
00:18:13,255 --> 00:18:14,796
to you as an individual?
481
00:18:15,308 --> 00:18:16,602
It's a loan?
482
00:18:16,627 --> 00:18:17,924
Are you incorporated?
483
00:18:18,417 --> 00:18:20,141
I'm a... Well, I'm a human man.
484
00:18:20,166 --> 00:18:22,179
Fine. I'll just make it out to you then.
485
00:18:22,222 --> 00:18:24,431
No big deal. I just gotta
grab my stuff, okay?
486
00:18:24,475 --> 00:18:26,433
Okay. Just don't dally.
487
00:18:26,477 --> 00:18:28,518
I won't dally. We're gonna have a blast.
488
00:18:28,562 --> 00:18:29,936
- Yeah, yeah. Okay.
- All right.
489
00:18:29,980 --> 00:18:31,480
- See you in a bit.
- Okay.
490
00:18:32,140 --> 00:18:34,399
Artie? Artie, what are you doing?
491
00:18:34,443 --> 00:18:36,860
Dude, I don't expect you
to understand this, man.
492
00:18:36,904 --> 00:18:38,153
I'm just doin' this, all right?
493
00:18:38,197 --> 00:18:40,405
I... No. You asked me to keep you clean.
494
00:18:40,449 --> 00:18:41,782
You said it was my second job.
495
00:18:41,825 --> 00:18:43,408
- [muttering]
- Come on, what are we doing?
496
00:18:43,452 --> 00:18:46,620
And I exonerate you, okay?
Okay? I exonerate you.
497
00:18:46,663 --> 00:18:48,789
But look, Albany won. I'm an addict,
498
00:18:48,832 --> 00:18:51,708
and when an addict makes up their
mind to do something, they do it.
499
00:18:51,752 --> 00:18:53,210
Albany beat us, man.
500
00:18:53,253 --> 00:18:54,294
No... [stammers]
501
00:18:54,338 --> 00:18:56,797
Hold on, Albany didn't beat us.
502
00:18:56,840 --> 00:18:58,298
It doesn't have to beat us.
503
00:18:58,342 --> 00:18:59,758
We can, uh... We can go home.
504
00:18:59,802 --> 00:19:01,176
We'll be... We'll be
home in three hours.
505
00:19:01,220 --> 00:19:03,921
We can get a... a pizza.
We can get a milkshake.
506
00:19:03,946 --> 00:19:06,575
We can go to a nudity booth,
whatever you need.
507
00:19:06,671 --> 00:19:08,475
OK. I'm sure that three hours will fly by.
508
00:19:08,519 --> 00:19:10,852
You can listen to whatever music you want!
509
00:19:10,896 --> 00:19:13,605
Okay, listen to me. As tempting as that
sounds, here's the deal:
510
00:19:13,649 --> 00:19:15,190
I'm doin' blow with this broad.
511
00:19:15,234 --> 00:19:17,317
You wanna help me, take
me to a meeting tomorrow.
512
00:19:17,361 --> 00:19:20,070
- But right now, fuck off.
- Artie, come on.
513
00:19:20,113 --> 00:19:21,947
- You don't...
- [door closes]
514
00:19:31,280 --> 00:19:33,382
Hey, uh, Susie, hop in.
515
00:19:33,919 --> 00:19:35,502
Wh... Where's Artie?
516
00:19:35,546 --> 00:19:36,837
He doesn't want to come out the front.
517
00:19:36,880 --> 00:19:38,588
He'll get mobbed. I'll take you to him.
518
00:19:39,967 --> 00:19:42,050
All right. Okay, yeah.
519
00:19:46,054 --> 00:19:47,931
Is it okay if I smoke?
520
00:19:47,975 --> 00:19:49,349
Pfft. Yeah. Who cares?
521
00:19:49,393 --> 00:19:50,433
Fine.
522
00:20:12,335 --> 00:20:13,999
Are you from Albany or...
523
00:20:14,647 --> 00:20:15,959
Rochester.
524
00:20:18,796 --> 00:20:20,158
[sighs]
525
00:20:20,883 --> 00:20:23,091
He should be down any minute.
526
00:20:24,219 --> 00:20:26,232
This hotel looks kind of sad.
527
00:20:26,889 --> 00:20:28,179
This is where he's staying?
528
00:20:28,484 --> 00:20:29,973
I think he's loyal to the brand.
529
00:20:30,017 --> 00:20:31,224
He likes this chain.
530
00:20:31,268 --> 00:20:32,809
Has a lot of, um,
531
00:20:32,853 --> 00:20:34,468
he has a lot of points with them.
532
00:20:41,428 --> 00:20:43,361
Maybe you could text him. Hm?
533
00:20:43,405 --> 00:20:45,196
I don't have his number.
534
00:20:45,240 --> 00:20:46,781
And I don't have a phone.
535
00:20:50,140 --> 00:20:51,057
Oh.
536
00:20:53,892 --> 00:20:55,600
[sighs]
537
00:20:57,866 --> 00:20:59,211
Artie's not coming.
538
00:21:00,062 --> 00:21:01,171
What?
539
00:21:01,214 --> 00:21:02,464
Wh... What's going on?
540
00:21:02,507 --> 00:21:03,745
I didn't wanna...
541
00:21:04,757 --> 00:21:06,460
- I had to get you...
- Oh, no.
542
00:21:06,511 --> 00:21:07,969
Oh, my God.
543
00:21:08,013 --> 00:21:09,971
No, no, no. It's not a power...
544
00:21:10,015 --> 00:21:11,723
- Don't... don't touch me!
- I'm trying to help.
545
00:21:11,767 --> 00:21:13,433
- Don't touch me!
- Hold on...
546
00:21:13,477 --> 00:21:16,019
[both screaming]
547
00:21:16,063 --> 00:21:17,187
Get away from me!
548
00:21:17,230 --> 00:21:18,688
- Don't!
- Oh, God!
549
00:21:18,732 --> 00:21:21,441
[screams] Oh, God!
550
00:21:21,485 --> 00:21:23,735
- [coughing]
- Fuck! Oh, fuck, fuck!
551
00:21:23,779 --> 00:21:25,445
- Holy shit!
- No, no, hold on!
552
00:21:25,489 --> 00:21:27,530
I'm not attacking you.
I'm not attacking you.
553
00:21:27,574 --> 00:21:29,115
I just had to keep you away from Artie!
554
00:21:29,159 --> 00:21:31,576
- What?
- [both heave, cough]
555
00:21:31,620 --> 00:21:34,079
He's sober. I promised I would help him.
556
00:21:34,122 --> 00:21:36,706
He's my friend! I couldn't
let you corrupt him!
557
00:21:36,750 --> 00:21:38,333
This is a kidnapping!
558
00:21:38,377 --> 00:21:40,543
- You've kidnapped me!
- No! No, no, no!
559
00:21:40,587 --> 00:21:42,087
It's a switcheroo.
560
00:21:42,130 --> 00:21:44,506
- It was the old switcheroo.
- [both groan]
561
00:21:44,549 --> 00:21:46,257
Oh, God.
562
00:21:46,301 --> 00:21:48,760
It's like the Devil came in my eyes.
563
00:21:48,804 --> 00:21:50,345
Oh, that's so gross.
564
00:21:50,389 --> 00:21:53,390
He's the Devil. He doesn't ask
where to... where he can cum.
565
00:21:53,433 --> 00:21:55,099
We have to get a towel.
Do you have a towel?
566
00:21:55,124 --> 00:21:56,172
Do you have something?
567
00:21:56,197 --> 00:21:57,936
I'm sorry, I don't
have any wet wipes.
568
00:21:57,980 --> 00:22:00,230
I usually keep wet wipes
in my car. I just ran out.
569
00:22:00,273 --> 00:22:01,606
[both coughing]
570
00:22:01,650 --> 00:22:02,732
[groans]
571
00:22:05,070 --> 00:22:07,195
[coughing]
572
00:22:11,451 --> 00:22:13,702
Sorry about tonight. I...
573
00:22:13,745 --> 00:22:15,161
I panicked.
574
00:22:15,205 --> 00:22:17,330
I... I don't know what
would have happened
575
00:22:17,374 --> 00:22:19,155
if you had gone with him, and I...
576
00:22:19,710 --> 00:22:20,917
[sniffles]
577
00:22:20,961 --> 00:22:22,311
Oh, my God.
578
00:22:23,786 --> 00:22:25,786
[sighs] What is wrong with me?
579
00:22:27,927 --> 00:22:29,552
Are you crying or is...
580
00:22:29,595 --> 00:22:31,220
is this pepper spray?
581
00:22:32,307 --> 00:22:33,948
Tonight was my big night out.
582
00:22:34,293 --> 00:22:35,840
Okay? I mean, it was just...
583
00:22:36,728 --> 00:22:37,813
I got off work.
584
00:22:38,479 --> 00:22:40,581
I took my kids to my sister's house.
585
00:22:40,982 --> 00:22:43,194
I got this fucking spray tan.
586
00:22:44,485 --> 00:22:45,651
It's very nice.
587
00:22:45,695 --> 00:22:46,986
Very believable.
588
00:22:47,030 --> 00:22:48,573
It's just kind of pathetic.
589
00:22:48,598 --> 00:22:49,805
I just...
590
00:22:49,830 --> 00:22:51,032
I'm kind of a loser.
591
00:22:51,075 --> 00:22:52,616
I just... I feel like a piece of shit.
592
00:22:52,660 --> 00:22:54,118
No, no, you're cle...
593
00:22:54,162 --> 00:22:55,870
You're clearly a lovely person.
594
00:22:55,913 --> 00:22:58,331
It's just it was... It
was a misunderstanding.
595
00:22:58,374 --> 00:23:00,333
You're literally hiding
me from your friend
596
00:23:00,376 --> 00:23:01,959
because you think I'm a bad influence.
597
00:23:02,003 --> 00:23:03,640
You're misreading me.
598
00:23:03,963 --> 00:23:05,838
I just... He's an addict.
599
00:23:05,882 --> 00:23:07,673
It has nothing to do with you.
600
00:23:07,717 --> 00:23:09,050
Don't let this ruin your night.
601
00:23:09,093 --> 00:23:10,255
It's not that late.
602
00:23:10,280 --> 00:23:12,219
You seem great, we're having fun.
603
00:23:12,263 --> 00:23:14,472
- We... we... we...
- Oh, yeah, we're having so much fun.
604
00:23:14,515 --> 00:23:17,516
We were assaulted together
by an aerosol contaminant,
605
00:23:17,787 --> 00:23:19,784
and I think that's bonded us.
606
00:23:20,326 --> 00:23:22,688
And honestly, I would give you
607
00:23:22,732 --> 00:23:25,983
a thousand dollars
just to use your sink.
608
00:23:27,981 --> 00:23:29,939
[mellow music playing]
609
00:23:32,158 --> 00:23:34,742
Hey, uh, name a celebrity.
610
00:23:34,786 --> 00:23:36,577
What do you mean? What?
611
00:23:36,621 --> 00:23:38,954
Name any celebrity.
612
00:23:38,998 --> 00:23:40,373
- Uh, um...
- Thank you.
613
00:23:40,416 --> 00:23:42,375
- You're welcome. Cheers.
- Cheers.
614
00:23:42,418 --> 00:23:44,418
- Any celebrity?
- You name a celebrity,
615
00:23:44,462 --> 00:23:47,129
I'll do a three-second
impression of that person.
616
00:23:47,173 --> 00:23:49,382
Okay, do Mark Wahlberg.
617
00:23:49,425 --> 00:23:51,467
Hey, how's it going? It's me, Mark.
618
00:23:51,511 --> 00:23:53,886
[both laugh]
619
00:23:53,930 --> 00:23:55,846
Hey, in Boogie Nights,
I had a big ol' dick.
620
00:23:55,890 --> 00:23:57,306
- [laughs]
- Look at the size of my dick.
621
00:23:57,350 --> 00:23:58,641
Arnold Schwarzenegger.
622
00:23:58,684 --> 00:24:01,602
[grunting]
623
00:24:01,646 --> 00:24:02,614
Nailed it.
624
00:24:02,639 --> 00:24:03,854
You know what? You're funny.
625
00:24:03,898 --> 00:24:05,356
You're so much funnier than that...
626
00:24:05,400 --> 00:24:07,232
That wordplay shit you do.
627
00:24:08,069 --> 00:24:10,027
Wait. Have you ever met Howard Stern?
628
00:24:10,071 --> 00:24:12,247
Uh, no, actually. I... I just met Artie.
629
00:24:12,272 --> 00:24:13,938
I think he feels bad for me.
630
00:24:13,963 --> 00:24:16,672
I'm going through a
bit of a... a divorce.
631
00:24:16,697 --> 00:24:17,947
[snorts]
632
00:24:18,287 --> 00:24:19,328
Oh.
633
00:24:19,372 --> 00:24:21,330
I'm so sorry. [snorts]
634
00:24:21,374 --> 00:24:22,764
- [sighs]
- Mm.
635
00:24:22,789 --> 00:24:24,801
Oh. Thank you.
636
00:24:25,294 --> 00:24:26,677
I'm really glad you're here.
637
00:24:27,213 --> 00:24:28,254
I'm glad you came in.
638
00:24:28,297 --> 00:24:29,912
I don't think I could have...
639
00:24:30,550 --> 00:24:32,700
watched another sunrise alone.
640
00:24:37,849 --> 00:24:38,856
- [snorts]
- Oh.
641
00:24:38,881 --> 00:24:40,349
- [chuckles]
- Whew!
642
00:24:40,393 --> 00:24:41,343
Spicy.
643
00:24:42,677 --> 00:24:43,885
Divorce sucks.
644
00:24:43,929 --> 00:24:45,887
- Tell me about it.
- I know.
645
00:24:45,931 --> 00:24:48,473
But, you know, you know what they say.
646
00:24:49,559 --> 00:24:52,440
The best way to get over a woman
647
00:24:53,279 --> 00:24:54,812
is to get under another one.
648
00:24:56,274 --> 00:24:57,260
Yeah.
649
00:25:03,323 --> 00:25:04,447
Uh...
650
00:25:04,491 --> 00:25:05,490
Mm.
651
00:25:05,533 --> 00:25:07,158
Um... [moans]
652
00:25:11,189 --> 00:25:14,499
Hold... hold on. Hold
on one... [moaning]
653
00:25:14,986 --> 00:25:16,167
Hold on. Please.
654
00:25:16,211 --> 00:25:19,379
- Um, thi... I'm on...
- It's really... I'm gonna help you.
655
00:25:19,422 --> 00:25:20,621
You're a lovely woman.
656
00:25:20,646 --> 00:25:22,271
- And I'm honored to be in your home...
- [moans]
657
00:25:22,296 --> 00:25:23,879
Hold on. Just full stop.
658
00:25:24,798 --> 00:25:25,886
Full stop.
659
00:25:25,911 --> 00:25:27,119
What's wrong? It...
660
00:25:27,144 --> 00:25:28,805
Please stop touching my balls.
661
00:25:29,512 --> 00:25:30,839
- Okay.
- I'm sorry.
662
00:25:30,892 --> 00:25:31,933
I'm not ready.
663
00:25:32,375 --> 00:25:34,018
What... What did you come in for?
664
00:25:34,062 --> 00:25:35,353
You were so sad.
665
00:25:35,397 --> 00:25:38,022
I didn't want to leave
you on such a low note.
666
00:25:38,066 --> 00:25:39,857
Wait. Hold on.
667
00:25:39,901 --> 00:25:42,694
Wait. So you just came in to hang out?
668
00:25:42,737 --> 00:25:44,737
I... I thought we could relax
669
00:25:44,781 --> 00:25:46,281
and I could help you wind down
670
00:25:46,324 --> 00:25:48,491
and then I would slip out into the night
671
00:25:48,535 --> 00:25:51,786
and you'd go, "Thank you.
Thank you for that kindness."
672
00:25:51,830 --> 00:25:53,746
I'm sorry, what the fuck are you saying?
673
00:25:53,790 --> 00:25:56,138
Hold on, hold on. Picture Tom Hanks.
674
00:25:57,043 --> 00:25:59,127
- This is what he would do.
- If Tom Hanks were here,
675
00:25:59,170 --> 00:26:00,795
he'd be going down on me by now.
676
00:26:00,839 --> 00:26:02,588
Tom Hanks?
677
00:26:02,632 --> 00:26:04,007
You just think you just come in here
678
00:26:04,050 --> 00:26:05,258
- and... and... and...
- Hold on, hold on.
679
00:26:05,302 --> 00:26:06,467
I'm trying to be a gentleman.
680
00:26:06,511 --> 00:26:08,177
I don't want sex.
681
00:26:08,221 --> 00:26:10,638
I just want to make sure you're okay.
682
00:26:10,682 --> 00:26:12,098
You think you're being a gentleman?
683
00:26:12,142 --> 00:26:13,809
This is not being a gentleman.
684
00:26:13,834 --> 00:26:16,644
A gentleman does not
come into a lady's home
685
00:26:16,688 --> 00:26:19,188
at 11 o'clock at night, have a drink,
686
00:26:19,232 --> 00:26:21,816
and then not fuck her
with his gentleman dick!
687
00:26:21,860 --> 00:26:23,318
I'm so sorry.
688
00:26:23,361 --> 00:26:24,736
I thought this was the right thing.
689
00:26:24,779 --> 00:26:25,945
What is wrong with you?
690
00:26:25,989 --> 00:26:27,572
You know what? This is not happening.
691
00:26:27,615 --> 00:26:29,073
This is not ha... You gotta go.
692
00:26:29,117 --> 00:26:30,325
You seriously have to go.
693
00:26:30,368 --> 00:26:31,743
This was a big misunderstanding.
694
00:26:31,786 --> 00:26:32,994
I thought you would be happy...
695
00:26:33,038 --> 00:26:35,121
I'm not happy! You make me feel bad!
696
00:26:35,165 --> 00:26:36,581
You're making me feel bad!
697
00:26:36,624 --> 00:26:39,083
You gotta get the fuck
out of here now!
698
00:26:39,127 --> 00:26:40,295
- Okay.
- Get out!
699
00:26:40,320 --> 00:26:41,229
I'm so sorry.
700
00:26:41,254 --> 00:26:43,379
Thank you... thank you for the drink.
701
00:26:43,423 --> 00:26:45,192
Oh, my God.
702
00:26:45,320 --> 00:26:46,726
What is wrong with me?
703
00:26:51,431 --> 00:26:52,638
Wanna do another one?
704
00:26:52,682 --> 00:26:55,266
- Yeah? Yeah, okay.
- Hey.
705
00:26:55,310 --> 00:26:57,560
Is Artie here? Where...
Have you seen Artie?
706
00:26:57,604 --> 00:26:59,312
- Artie's gone, man.
- What?
707
00:26:59,356 --> 00:27:01,939
Where did he go? Where...
I need to get Artie.
708
00:27:01,983 --> 00:27:04,400
He got in a cab, he said, "Take
me home," and he went home.
709
00:27:04,444 --> 00:27:06,235
He's fine. Don't worry
about it. Take a shot!
710
00:27:06,279 --> 00:27:08,404
- Take a shot with us.
- Was he sober?
711
00:27:08,448 --> 00:27:10,573
Uh, well, I saw him eat cheese fries
712
00:27:10,617 --> 00:27:12,158
as if he might have a food addiction.
713
00:27:12,202 --> 00:27:14,327
But no, he... He was not partying.
714
00:27:14,371 --> 00:27:16,788
- Here we go.
- I can't, I'm driving.
715
00:27:16,831 --> 00:27:18,081
Driving where?
716
00:27:18,124 --> 00:27:19,999
I drove here. I'm
driving back to the city.
717
00:27:20,043 --> 00:27:22,210
[gasps] Where in the city?
718
00:27:22,253 --> 00:27:24,295
That's the thing. I don't
have anywhere to stay.
719
00:27:25,715 --> 00:27:28,633
If you drive me to Manhattan,
you can crash at my place.
720
00:27:28,676 --> 00:27:30,301
Come on. Let's do it.
721
00:27:31,471 --> 00:27:32,637
Oh!
722
00:27:33,765 --> 00:27:35,390
You forgot these. Giving you this.
723
00:27:35,433 --> 00:27:36,432
Don't forget that.
724
00:27:36,831 --> 00:27:38,783
[whistles, laughs]
725
00:27:39,104 --> 00:27:40,686
[whistles]
726
00:27:40,730 --> 00:27:43,147
[door opens, closes]
727
00:27:43,191 --> 00:27:46,275
Let's stew it! [burps]
728
00:27:47,695 --> 00:27:49,695
TJ: This worked out perfectly.
729
00:27:49,739 --> 00:27:52,532
730
00:27:52,575 --> 00:27:55,868
But if I can't
swim after 40 days
731
00:27:55,912 --> 00:27:59,956
And my mind is crushed
by the crashing waves
732
00:27:59,999 --> 00:28:04,001
Lift me up so high
that I cannot fall
733
00:28:04,045 --> 00:28:06,838
Lift me, oh, whoa
734
00:28:08,299 --> 00:28:10,216
Lift me up
735
00:28:10,260 --> 00:28:12,176
When I'm falling
736
00:28:12,220 --> 00:28:13,845
Lift me up
737
00:28:13,888 --> 00:28:16,639
I'm weak and I'm dyin'
738
00:28:16,683 --> 00:28:18,433
Lift me up
739
00:28:18,476 --> 00:28:20,810
I need you to hold me
740
00:28:20,854 --> 00:28:22,603
Lift me up
741
00:28:22,647 --> 00:28:25,231
Keep me from drowning again
742
00:28:25,275 --> 00:28:26,816
Lift me up
743
00:28:26,860 --> 00:28:29,277
When I'm falling
744
00:28:29,320 --> 00:28:30,528
Lift me up
745
00:28:30,572 --> 00:28:33,489
I'm weak and I'm dying
746
00:28:33,533 --> 00:28:34,740
Lift me up
747
00:28:34,784 --> 00:28:37,452
I need you to hold me
748
00:28:37,495 --> 00:28:38,786
Lift me up
749
00:28:38,830 --> 00:28:42,623
And keep me from drowning again
750
00:28:42,667 --> 00:28:45,877
751
00:28:46,119 --> 00:28:48,883
Synced and corrected by louvette
www.addic7ed.com
752
00:28:48,933 --> 00:28:53,483
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
53600
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.