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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:05,548 --> 00:00:09,591 [trash truck whirring, beeping outside] 2 00:00:12,138 --> 00:00:15,139 [clattering] 3 00:00:15,182 --> 00:00:18,267 - [jack hammer rattling] - [men shouting indistinctly] 4 00:00:19,004 --> 00:00:21,004 Of course. 5 00:00:24,525 --> 00:00:27,776 - [switch clicks] - [exhaust fan whirs, stops] 6 00:00:29,822 --> 00:00:30,988 [sighs] 7 00:00:31,031 --> 00:00:34,158 - [water splashing] - [distant siren blares] 8 00:00:43,085 --> 00:00:45,461 [sighs] 9 00:00:45,504 --> 00:00:47,337 [clinking] 10 00:00:56,849 --> 00:01:01,643 [playing over PA] I don't know how this whole business started 11 00:01:01,687 --> 00:01:07,524 Of you thinkin' that I have been untrue 12 00:01:10,696 --> 00:01:12,196 [beeping] 13 00:01:12,731 --> 00:01:13,981 Thirty-one, twenty-five. 14 00:01:14,006 --> 00:01:16,992 But if you think that we'd be better parted 15 00:01:17,036 --> 00:01:18,660 Oh, my God. 16 00:01:18,704 --> 00:01:19,870 This is embarrassing. 17 00:01:19,914 --> 00:01:22,539 I... I just realized I don't have my wallet. 18 00:01:23,278 --> 00:01:25,000 I was mugged last night. 19 00:01:25,044 --> 00:01:28,212 Sorry. You may have all of this for free. 20 00:01:28,255 --> 00:01:30,631 Why don't you take a chips and a soda while you're at it? 21 00:01:30,674 --> 00:01:33,050 I really kind of customized the plate, you know, 22 00:01:33,093 --> 00:01:36,178 like chicken wing, fill-in rice, and that came with... 23 00:01:36,222 --> 00:01:38,347 It's all personalized. 24 00:01:38,390 --> 00:01:40,098 I don't think you can... 25 00:01:40,142 --> 00:01:41,517 just put it back. I mean... 26 00:01:41,560 --> 00:01:42,643 Yeah, we can. 27 00:01:42,686 --> 00:01:45,771 Hey, Tommy, we have a put-back. 28 00:01:46,941 --> 00:01:48,524 With sauce. 29 00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:53,570 30 00:02:05,459 --> 00:02:06,917 [sighs] 31 00:02:15,970 --> 00:02:17,427 - [grunts] - Oh, God! 32 00:02:17,471 --> 00:02:19,263 What the fuck, man? 33 00:02:19,306 --> 00:02:20,305 Oh, gee. I'm sorry. 34 00:02:20,349 --> 00:02:21,473 Why don't you buzz? 35 00:02:21,517 --> 00:02:22,850 There's a buzz? Yeah, there's a buzz. 36 00:02:22,893 --> 00:02:24,309 This is an apartment building in New York. 37 00:02:24,353 --> 00:02:26,353 You don't knock. Nobody knocks. 38 00:02:27,084 --> 00:02:28,021 I... 39 00:02:28,301 --> 00:02:29,750 I'm sorry, Artie. 40 00:02:29,775 --> 00:02:30,816 [grunts] 41 00:02:32,027 --> 00:02:33,944 It's a... It's a two-key system. 42 00:02:33,988 --> 00:02:35,487 I... I didn't know. 43 00:02:35,531 --> 00:02:37,326 What are you doin' up so early anyway? 44 00:02:37,351 --> 00:02:38,574 What do you mean? 45 00:02:38,617 --> 00:02:39,950 It's after noon. 46 00:02:39,994 --> 00:02:41,660 I mean... we slept in. 47 00:02:41,704 --> 00:02:43,453 You see cigarettes around here anywhere? 48 00:02:43,497 --> 00:02:45,497 There's cigarettes everywhere. 49 00:02:45,541 --> 00:02:47,056 So, what's your plan? 50 00:02:47,585 --> 00:02:49,585 Well, if it's okay, I was just gonna 51 00:02:49,628 --> 00:02:52,158 kind of camp out on the couch, maybe... 52 00:02:52,756 --> 00:02:54,673 - watch a sad movie. - I understand. 53 00:02:54,717 --> 00:02:56,884 Sometimes when I'm sad, I like to watch sad movies. 54 00:02:56,927 --> 00:02:58,719 You know, seeing somebody else cry 55 00:02:58,762 --> 00:03:00,793 kind of helps me get a good cry going. 56 00:03:01,473 --> 00:03:03,557 Well, that's a good idea. That's a great idea. 57 00:03:03,601 --> 00:03:04,766 I think you should just sit here. 58 00:03:04,810 --> 00:03:07,019 Let me know if you need help crying later. 59 00:03:07,062 --> 00:03:09,438 I'll be happy to help you out with that. Are you a man or what? 60 00:03:09,481 --> 00:03:10,772 Be a man. What? 61 00:03:10,816 --> 00:03:12,357 Forget about it. Your wife left you. 62 00:03:12,401 --> 00:03:14,151 Oh, big deal. Suppress those feelings. 63 00:03:14,194 --> 00:03:15,235 That's what a man does. 64 00:03:15,279 --> 00:03:17,070 Keep 'em down. Keep 'em deep down. 65 00:03:17,114 --> 00:03:19,156 Distract yourself. That's what men do. 66 00:03:19,199 --> 00:03:20,240 You gotta make money. 67 00:03:20,284 --> 00:03:22,242 You can't have emotions and make money. 68 00:03:22,286 --> 00:03:25,487 Just keep a blank stare on your face, do as you're told, 69 00:03:25,831 --> 00:03:27,205 then one day, 70 00:03:27,249 --> 00:03:29,791 you have a heart attack. If you're lucky, you go clean. 71 00:03:30,001 --> 00:03:31,209 "Go clean"? 72 00:03:31,234 --> 00:03:32,525 Here's what I gotta do. 73 00:03:33,073 --> 00:03:35,380 I'm going to Albany. I got a gig. 74 00:03:35,424 --> 00:03:37,549 It's a benefit, but I get paid. 75 00:03:37,593 --> 00:03:38,977 You saying you want me to leave? 76 00:03:39,002 --> 00:03:41,011 No, what I'm saying is I need a ride. 77 00:03:41,055 --> 00:03:43,764 I could either pay somebody, or you could drive me 78 00:03:43,807 --> 00:03:46,433 to Albany for free, and when we get up there, 79 00:03:46,477 --> 00:03:48,449 you do a few minutes up front, on stage. 80 00:03:48,692 --> 00:03:50,005 You want me to open for you? 81 00:03:50,048 --> 00:03:51,895 No, I want your car to open for me. 82 00:03:51,920 --> 00:03:54,004 I need a ride to Albany is what I'm tellin' you. 83 00:03:54,029 --> 00:03:55,528 How much time do you want me to do? 84 00:03:55,791 --> 00:03:57,446 How long does it take to say, "Here's Artie"? 85 00:03:57,471 --> 00:03:58,555 [chuckles] 86 00:03:58,599 --> 00:04:00,265 87 00:04:07,316 --> 00:04:09,232 You got any CDs in this piece of shit? 88 00:04:09,276 --> 00:04:10,734 Yeah. Whatever you want. We got... we got... 89 00:04:10,777 --> 00:04:12,611 Oh, here we go. You got your little CD book. 90 00:04:12,654 --> 00:04:13,786 Yeah, nice little s?lection. 91 00:04:13,811 --> 00:04:15,227 Huh. Paula Poundstone. 92 00:04:15,574 --> 00:04:17,991 She's funny. What's "Jars of Clay"? 93 00:04:18,035 --> 00:04:19,701 That's, uh, that's... That's music. 94 00:04:19,745 --> 00:04:20,994 - It's a rock band. - Oh, yeah? 95 00:04:21,038 --> 00:04:22,746 - What do they sing? - It's Christian rock. 96 00:04:22,789 --> 00:04:24,499 - It's probably why you haven't... - Oh. 97 00:04:24,524 --> 00:04:26,024 - Come on. - I can't wait. 98 00:04:26,049 --> 00:04:28,258 Artie, Jars of Clay, people make fun, 99 00:04:28,283 --> 00:04:29,825 but they rock, man. They rock. 100 00:04:29,850 --> 00:04:31,100 It's music with a message. 101 00:04:31,381 --> 00:04:33,256 What's the message, "kill yourself"? 102 00:04:33,300 --> 00:04:34,799 Check it out. 103 00:04:34,843 --> 00:04:38,720 - But if I can't swim after 40 days - [singing along] 104 00:04:38,764 --> 00:04:41,389 - And my mind gets crushed... - [singing along] 105 00:04:41,433 --> 00:04:42,849 All right, let's stop. Come on, man. 106 00:04:42,893 --> 00:04:44,935 I'm gonna... I'm gonna tuck and roll 107 00:04:44,978 --> 00:04:47,056 out of the car if you keep that on. Here. 108 00:04:47,814 --> 00:04:49,439 Poundstone: I'm not keepin' canned goods 109 00:04:49,483 --> 00:04:51,274 in my apartment for an earthquake. 110 00:04:51,318 --> 00:04:53,235 If I get trapped beneath a beam for three days, 111 00:04:53,278 --> 00:04:55,153 I'm gonna at least lose weight. 112 00:04:55,197 --> 00:04:57,489 [audience laughs] 113 00:04:57,532 --> 00:05:00,116 114 00:05:04,206 --> 00:05:06,109 How depressing is this place, man? 115 00:05:06,875 --> 00:05:09,042 - What are you talking about? - What am I talking about? 116 00:05:09,086 --> 00:05:12,045 Look around you. "Help wanted." 117 00:05:12,089 --> 00:05:13,755 The sign looks depressed. 118 00:05:13,799 --> 00:05:15,423 I don't know, Artie. It's nice. It's fine. 119 00:05:15,467 --> 00:05:17,384 We're on the road. I'm eating french fries. 120 00:05:17,427 --> 00:05:20,038 I get depressed gettin' up in the morning and I'm a successful comedian. 121 00:05:20,847 --> 00:05:22,430 Imagine getting up and you work here. 122 00:05:22,474 --> 00:05:24,099 You gotta put that apron on. 123 00:05:24,142 --> 00:05:26,601 It's a... it's a job. It's service industry. 124 00:05:26,645 --> 00:05:28,603 - It's a calling. - I'm sorry. 125 00:05:28,647 --> 00:05:30,438 Looks like an avalanche of the blues. 126 00:05:30,482 --> 00:05:31,523 I don't know if I can do this. 127 00:05:31,566 --> 00:05:33,024 I need your help tonight, man. 128 00:05:33,068 --> 00:05:34,646 What do you mean? 129 00:05:34,671 --> 00:05:36,111 I've never been to Albany... sober. 130 00:05:36,154 --> 00:05:38,238 You were using the last time you were here? 131 00:05:38,282 --> 00:05:40,407 Let me think. Yeah. Yeah. 132 00:05:40,450 --> 00:05:42,617 [laughs] Listen. 133 00:05:42,661 --> 00:05:45,120 I'm being dead serious. This is gonna sound odd. 134 00:05:45,163 --> 00:05:46,579 You gotta save my life tonight. 135 00:05:46,623 --> 00:05:48,290 All right? No pressure. 136 00:05:48,333 --> 00:05:49,958 You gotta keep me from gettin' high. 137 00:05:50,002 --> 00:05:51,459 - Okay. - You think you can do that? 138 00:05:51,503 --> 00:05:52,961 - Yeah, of course. - All right. Honestly. 139 00:05:53,005 --> 00:05:54,921 It's not easy. You gotta intercept drugs. 140 00:05:54,965 --> 00:05:56,840 I can do that. I can intercept. 141 00:05:56,883 --> 00:05:58,383 It not like we're buying drugs either. 142 00:05:58,427 --> 00:05:59,968 People give me drugs. 143 00:06:00,012 --> 00:06:02,387 - I've never done drugs. - You've never done any drugs? 144 00:06:02,431 --> 00:06:03,805 Smoke a little weed, nothing? 145 00:06:03,849 --> 00:06:05,807 When I was 10, I went through a phase 146 00:06:05,851 --> 00:06:07,726 where I couldn't fall asleep without a Tylenol PM. 147 00:06:07,769 --> 00:06:08,851 Is that phase over? 148 00:06:08,876 --> 00:06:10,501 - Yeah, I got through it. - Oh, that's great. 149 00:06:10,731 --> 00:06:12,939 This diner feels like 2 Broke Girls. 150 00:06:12,983 --> 00:06:14,892 2 Broke Girls, One Cup. 151 00:06:16,028 --> 00:06:17,861 152 00:06:19,072 --> 00:06:20,905 [lively chattering] 153 00:06:23,160 --> 00:06:25,493 I have this joke about do you think vampires 154 00:06:25,537 --> 00:06:27,203 are afraid of lowercase T's. 155 00:06:27,247 --> 00:06:28,830 Do you think that'll work in Albany? 156 00:06:28,874 --> 00:06:30,498 I don't think that would work anywhere. 157 00:06:30,542 --> 00:06:33,835 I can't believe I'm back in this fucking shithole, man. 158 00:06:33,879 --> 00:06:35,920 How depressing. Look at this place. 159 00:06:35,964 --> 00:06:37,088 I can't take this, man. 160 00:06:37,132 --> 00:06:39,222 Hey, you guys need anything? 161 00:06:39,270 --> 00:06:40,978 - Let me get a Coke. - He'll have soda. 162 00:06:41,022 --> 00:06:42,688 - Coke soda. - Soda. 163 00:06:43,316 --> 00:06:45,107 In the red can, you know? 164 00:06:45,250 --> 00:06:47,359 Yeah. Okay, be right back. 165 00:06:48,211 --> 00:06:50,321 Artie, I'm gonna get a Diet Coke actually. 166 00:06:50,364 --> 00:06:51,363 - All right. - Okay. 167 00:06:51,407 --> 00:06:52,490 - Yeah, that'll work. - Yeah. 168 00:06:52,533 --> 00:06:53,532 A Diet, yeah. 169 00:06:53,576 --> 00:06:55,326 Yeah, it's good to be... green room. 170 00:06:56,110 --> 00:06:58,162 Excuse me. Sorry. Hi. 171 00:06:58,198 --> 00:07:00,157 Um, would you mind taking this? 172 00:07:00,625 --> 00:07:03,084 Uh, I want to make sure there's no booze in the green room. 173 00:07:03,127 --> 00:07:06,420 It's literally my job to make sure there's booze in the green room. 174 00:07:06,464 --> 00:07:09,006 Uh, sure, um, but Artie is sober, 175 00:07:09,050 --> 00:07:12,009 so I don't want to tempt him with alcohol. 176 00:07:12,053 --> 00:07:14,470 You realize he's not the only one on the bill, right? 177 00:07:16,724 --> 00:07:18,140 No, we're co-headlining, 178 00:07:18,184 --> 00:07:19,809 so we should be doing the same amount of time. 179 00:07:19,852 --> 00:07:21,894 You don't do an hour and I do 30 minutes. 180 00:07:21,938 --> 00:07:24,355 Then I'm just featuring for you. Let's both do 45 minutes. 181 00:07:24,398 --> 00:07:26,065 Do you really want to do an hour for these schmucks? 182 00:07:26,109 --> 00:07:27,399 - Yeah, I do! - Oh, you do? 183 00:07:27,443 --> 00:07:28,859 Okay, guess what? I'm doing an hour. 184 00:07:28,903 --> 00:07:30,736 You do 30 minutes. You're the opener. Get it? 185 00:07:30,780 --> 00:07:32,196 No, I'm not the fucking opener. 186 00:07:32,240 --> 00:07:34,115 - Yes, you are. - Thank... thank you very much, Katie. 187 00:07:34,158 --> 00:07:36,367 - Katie: Sorry. - Artie, if you were in my position, 188 00:07:36,410 --> 00:07:38,661 you would not just do a half an hour and shut up. 189 00:07:38,704 --> 00:07:40,371 Um, sorry. 190 00:07:40,414 --> 00:07:41,580 I'm... I'm Pete. 191 00:07:41,624 --> 00:07:43,749 I drove up with Artie. I'm the opener. 192 00:07:43,793 --> 00:07:45,334 Hey, Pete, hold on one second. 193 00:07:45,378 --> 00:07:46,752 What the fuck, Artie? You brought a opener? 194 00:07:46,796 --> 00:07:48,420 I don't think we need to fight. 195 00:07:48,464 --> 00:07:50,714 We can just... I'll go up, 196 00:07:50,758 --> 00:07:52,091 I'll do just five minutes, 197 00:07:52,135 --> 00:07:53,300 I'll bring TJ up. 198 00:07:53,344 --> 00:07:55,386 TJ, is there something you want me to say? 199 00:07:55,429 --> 00:07:57,680 Just say my name and Yogi Bear 3D. They know who I am. 200 00:07:57,723 --> 00:07:59,854 - Right, now, don't touch... - You're Yogi Bear? 201 00:07:59,879 --> 00:08:02,309 - No, I'm Ranger Jones, okay? - Okay, I'm sorry. 202 00:08:02,353 --> 00:08:05,020 I like that movie. Justin Timberlake was Boo-Boo. 203 00:08:06,065 --> 00:08:08,190 Look, man, we're co-headlining, okay? 204 00:08:08,234 --> 00:08:10,943 I'm doin' an hour, so it's you, then me, and that's it. 205 00:08:10,987 --> 00:08:12,363 Fuck it. I don't give a shit. 206 00:08:12,388 --> 00:08:14,071 You do whatever time you want. 207 00:08:14,115 --> 00:08:16,758 How does it feel knowing you'll never be as funny as your outfit? 208 00:08:16,783 --> 00:08:18,366 You should open and close your hour with that. 209 00:08:18,391 --> 00:08:19,350 I might. 210 00:08:19,375 --> 00:08:22,079 You're making fun of me? You look like you work for a homeless person. 211 00:08:22,123 --> 00:08:24,165 - Uh, well... - You interning on Skid Row? 212 00:08:24,208 --> 00:08:26,448 What cargo are you carrying in cargo pants? 213 00:08:26,473 --> 00:08:27,835 Um, I don't have a style. 214 00:08:27,879 --> 00:08:29,670 Are you carrying nostalgia for the '90s? 215 00:08:29,714 --> 00:08:31,714 [loud chattering] 216 00:08:33,843 --> 00:08:35,176 Artie brought an emcee. 217 00:08:35,219 --> 00:08:36,677 Bring him up. We gotta start now. 218 00:08:36,721 --> 00:08:37,928 Copy that. 219 00:08:39,390 --> 00:08:42,308 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage 220 00:08:42,351 --> 00:08:44,576 your first performer of the evening... 221 00:08:45,396 --> 00:08:47,438 - What's his name? - I don't know. 222 00:08:48,774 --> 00:08:49,899 Here he is! 223 00:08:49,942 --> 00:08:52,151 [loud chattering] 224 00:08:53,460 --> 00:08:55,915 Hey! [scattered applause] 225 00:08:56,951 --> 00:08:59,118 Hey, Albany, how you doing tonight? 226 00:08:59,335 --> 00:09:01,785 Let's give it up for ourselves for coming out! 227 00:09:03,748 --> 00:09:05,539 Can we get this on, please? Can we get the mic... 228 00:09:05,583 --> 00:09:06,749 [louder] There we go. Hey! 229 00:09:06,792 --> 00:09:08,584 - Hey! All right! - [cheers, applause] 230 00:09:08,628 --> 00:09:09,835 Hey! 231 00:09:09,879 --> 00:09:11,159 Albany! 232 00:09:11,841 --> 00:09:13,380 Uh, thanks for comin' out, everybody, 233 00:09:13,424 --> 00:09:15,250 and, uh, for a great cause. 234 00:09:15,275 --> 00:09:17,426 You guys, give it up for Haha's for Tatas. 235 00:09:17,470 --> 00:09:20,471 - That's what tonight is all about. - [applause] 236 00:09:22,094 --> 00:09:23,218 I like Albany. 237 00:09:23,377 --> 00:09:25,100 It's all of the "bany." 238 00:09:26,081 --> 00:09:28,062 It's not some of the "bany." I like that. 239 00:09:28,932 --> 00:09:30,265 [chuckles] 240 00:09:31,400 --> 00:09:32,983 Uh, I'm not racist, but do you think 241 00:09:33,027 --> 00:09:35,945 at the very first meeting of the KKK, anyone there 242 00:09:35,988 --> 00:09:39,281 pushed for the correct spelling of "klan"? 243 00:09:39,325 --> 00:09:41,033 [scattered laughter] 244 00:09:41,077 --> 00:09:43,410 I like to think there was one guy there, 245 00:09:43,454 --> 00:09:45,663 overalls, no shirt, holding a torch, 246 00:09:45,706 --> 00:09:48,832 it's just driving him crazy in the back. Just like... 247 00:09:52,004 --> 00:09:54,713 "It's K-K-C." And then they get him. 248 00:09:54,757 --> 00:09:56,131 [scattered laughter] 249 00:09:56,175 --> 00:09:58,384 There's no way they're not gonna get him for that. 250 00:09:58,427 --> 00:10:00,678 It's a rare person who hates bad spelling 251 00:10:00,721 --> 00:10:02,680 and people who are different. 252 00:10:02,723 --> 00:10:04,306 [scattered laughter] 253 00:10:04,350 --> 00:10:05,808 Well, okay. 254 00:10:05,851 --> 00:10:07,768 They're not all... 255 00:10:07,812 --> 00:10:09,895 road-tested. 256 00:10:12,015 --> 00:10:14,024 I love Chinese food. Do you guys ha... 257 00:10:14,068 --> 00:10:15,359 You like Chinese food, Albany? 258 00:10:15,403 --> 00:10:18,612 [cheers, applause] 259 00:10:18,656 --> 00:10:20,030 It can be confusing though. 260 00:10:20,074 --> 00:10:22,783 - Like crab ring... - Man: Cream of some young guy! 261 00:10:22,827 --> 00:10:24,159 [laughter] 262 00:10:24,203 --> 00:10:25,869 I killed it! 263 00:10:28,624 --> 00:10:31,166 Okay. Well, uh... 264 00:10:31,210 --> 00:10:33,210 What do you say we keep this going? I, uh... 265 00:10:33,254 --> 00:10:35,754 - [applause] - We'll bring out your next comedian. 266 00:10:35,798 --> 00:10:38,966 - You guys excited? - [cheers] 267 00:10:39,010 --> 00:10:40,718 Your next comedian coming to the stage 268 00:10:40,761 --> 00:10:42,219 was in, uh, all sorts of things. 269 00:10:42,263 --> 00:10:45,431 Transformers 4, uh, he was in Yogi Bear. 270 00:10:45,474 --> 00:10:47,391 Please give it up for TJ Miller, everybody. 271 00:10:47,435 --> 00:10:48,851 - TJ Miller! - [cheering] 272 00:10:48,894 --> 00:10:50,352 Yeah! 273 00:10:50,396 --> 00:10:52,229 Yeah! 274 00:10:52,273 --> 00:10:53,897 Hey, great job! 275 00:10:53,941 --> 00:10:55,566 Yeah! 276 00:10:56,902 --> 00:10:59,028 Yeah! 277 00:10:59,071 --> 00:11:00,362 Yeah, yeah! 278 00:11:02,575 --> 00:11:04,325 I know that I look like a ma?tre d 279 00:11:04,368 --> 00:11:06,577 who was fired earlier on in the day 280 00:11:06,620 --> 00:11:08,537 that has to finish his shift. 281 00:11:08,581 --> 00:11:09,997 [laughter] 282 00:11:10,661 --> 00:11:12,583 I have a prescription for marijuana. 283 00:11:12,626 --> 00:11:13,834 - Um... - [cheering] 284 00:11:13,878 --> 00:11:15,419 It's for anxiety. 285 00:11:15,463 --> 00:11:18,505 Primarily, anxiety about getting arrested for marijuana. 286 00:11:18,549 --> 00:11:19,798 [laughter] 287 00:11:19,842 --> 00:11:22,051 So, it's cleared that right up. 288 00:11:22,094 --> 00:11:23,552 That's true. 289 00:11:23,596 --> 00:11:26,221 You know, there are a lot of people that describe, 290 00:11:26,265 --> 00:11:28,932 uh, women with, uh, you know, onomatopoeia. 291 00:11:28,976 --> 00:11:32,019 It'll be like, "Hey, you know, she had tits like bam!" 292 00:11:32,063 --> 00:11:34,438 You know what I mean? "Ass like bow!" 293 00:11:34,482 --> 00:11:35,564 [laughter] 294 00:11:35,608 --> 00:11:38,442 But my girlfriend Kate isn't very attractive, 295 00:11:38,486 --> 00:11:40,444 um, so I have to be like, 296 00:11:40,488 --> 00:11:44,490 "Yeah, she has breasts like meh." You know? 297 00:11:44,533 --> 00:11:47,910 "Yeah, ass like wah-wah-wah." 298 00:11:48,413 --> 00:11:50,287 "Ankles like awooga!" 299 00:11:50,331 --> 00:11:51,747 Hey, hey. 300 00:11:51,791 --> 00:11:52,873 I'm in the green room. I... 301 00:11:52,917 --> 00:11:54,416 - Yeah? Oh, good. - So what did you think? 302 00:11:54,460 --> 00:11:55,709 I mean, it was all right, right? 303 00:11:55,753 --> 00:11:58,128 What did I think? You ended with "Well." 304 00:11:58,570 --> 00:12:00,672 - Artie fucking Lange. Dude! - Artie: Oh... 305 00:12:00,716 --> 00:12:02,341 Hey, man. How you doin'? 306 00:12:02,385 --> 00:12:04,093 You gotta take one of these. 307 00:12:04,136 --> 00:12:06,178 I gotta take a drink with Artie fucking Lange. 308 00:12:06,222 --> 00:12:07,388 No, sorry, he doesn't drink, man. 309 00:12:07,431 --> 00:12:08,639 - Salud, right? - Salud. Baba Booey. 310 00:12:08,682 --> 00:12:10,432 - Baba Booey. - It's not... it's not... 311 00:12:10,476 --> 00:12:12,102 Hey, what the... 312 00:12:12,127 --> 00:12:13,477 Whoa. 313 00:12:13,521 --> 00:12:16,429 What the fuck are you doing? Hey, I bought that for him. 314 00:12:17,149 --> 00:12:19,775 You're a good man and a friendly friend. 315 00:12:19,819 --> 00:12:21,360 Thanks for the drink. He's got a show to do. 316 00:12:21,404 --> 00:12:23,362 - Artie: Sorry. - Ho! 317 00:12:23,406 --> 00:12:25,096 Come on, let's get out of here. 318 00:12:25,408 --> 00:12:27,699 Geez Louise, let's get some chicky-fingies. 319 00:12:27,743 --> 00:12:29,243 You know when you're, like, really drunk 320 00:12:29,286 --> 00:12:30,661 and you feel like you're gonna throw up, 321 00:12:30,704 --> 00:12:32,371 but you're like, "I bet I can make it to brunch"? 322 00:12:32,415 --> 00:12:35,290 I rolled the dice on that. I lost, okay? 323 00:12:35,334 --> 00:12:37,960 As I begin to vomit into the street, 324 00:12:38,003 --> 00:12:40,254 I looked across and there was a woman 325 00:12:40,297 --> 00:12:42,798 sitting outside, drinking a Starbucks, 326 00:12:42,842 --> 00:12:46,468 and I just made eye contact with her as I was vomiting 327 00:12:46,512 --> 00:12:48,595 and I held eye contact. 328 00:12:48,639 --> 00:12:49,763 It's a real story. 329 00:12:49,807 --> 00:12:51,807 I was just like... [retching]. 330 00:12:51,851 --> 00:12:53,851 [retching] 331 00:12:55,479 --> 00:12:56,895 Did she go to work and she's like, 332 00:12:56,939 --> 00:13:00,524 "Oh, my God, I was so ugly today, I made a man vomit"? 333 00:13:01,986 --> 00:13:04,945 Thank you very much. I'm TJ Miller. Thank you. 334 00:13:04,989 --> 00:13:06,742 Cheers. Thank you. 335 00:13:07,908 --> 00:13:09,032 Thank you. 336 00:13:09,076 --> 00:13:10,701 TJ Miller, everybody! 337 00:13:10,744 --> 00:13:11,743 There goes TJ Miller! 338 00:13:11,787 --> 00:13:14,163 - Follow that. - [scoffs] 339 00:13:14,206 --> 00:13:15,914 Fuckin' motherfucker. 340 00:13:15,958 --> 00:13:17,291 That was a long one. 341 00:13:17,334 --> 00:13:19,501 You guys, you still have some energy in ya? 342 00:13:19,545 --> 00:13:21,753 Well, that's great 'cause it's my honor to bring up 343 00:13:21,797 --> 00:13:23,797 the headliner for this show. 344 00:13:23,841 --> 00:13:25,466 Are you guys ready for your headliner? 345 00:13:25,509 --> 00:13:27,009 [cheering] 346 00:13:27,052 --> 00:13:30,053 Let's start clapping right now for the amazing Artie Lange! 347 00:13:30,097 --> 00:13:33,891 - My friend Artie "New York" Lange! - [cheering] 348 00:13:41,693 --> 00:13:43,775 We're raising money for tits tonight. 349 00:13:43,819 --> 00:13:46,320 Uh, I'll do anything for tits, right? 350 00:13:46,363 --> 00:13:47,571 Every guy, we'll do it, you know? 351 00:13:47,615 --> 00:13:49,072 I fuckin' love tits, man. 352 00:13:49,116 --> 00:13:50,699 I love tits. 353 00:13:50,743 --> 00:13:52,701 Yeah, my whole life is trying to get in shape. 354 00:13:52,745 --> 00:13:55,037 I'm the only guy who ever got fat on cocaine. 355 00:13:55,080 --> 00:13:57,664 [laughter] 356 00:13:57,708 --> 00:14:00,375 Yeah, I have a weird body makeup. 357 00:14:00,419 --> 00:14:03,629 I, uh, I went to rehab for coke and, uh, 358 00:14:03,672 --> 00:14:06,131 one of my counselors was a black guy, and in the middle of group therapy, 359 00:14:06,175 --> 00:14:08,675 he said, "What are you pouring that shit on, cheeseburgers?" 360 00:14:08,719 --> 00:14:10,135 [laughter] 361 00:14:10,179 --> 00:14:12,930 - Uh, I thought you did great. I mean... - Oh, thanks, man. 362 00:14:12,973 --> 00:14:14,598 I thought you did pretty good too. 363 00:14:14,642 --> 00:14:15,974 - You watched? - Yeah. 364 00:14:16,018 --> 00:14:17,142 I mean, I thought it was funny 365 00:14:17,186 --> 00:14:18,852 that when things weren't working, 366 00:14:18,896 --> 00:14:21,522 you would just keep smiling like, you know? 367 00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:24,274 You just need to do more sets. 368 00:14:24,318 --> 00:14:25,442 I mean, you need to do 369 00:14:25,486 --> 00:14:27,569 at least six or seven sets a week minimum. 370 00:14:27,613 --> 00:14:30,572 Sometimes you just want to go camping or something. 371 00:14:30,616 --> 00:14:32,991 I don't go camping unless I'm going there 372 00:14:33,035 --> 00:14:35,494 specifically to get material about camping. 373 00:14:35,538 --> 00:14:37,079 And if you start working harder, 374 00:14:37,122 --> 00:14:38,705 maybe I'll take you out on a couple weekends, 375 00:14:38,749 --> 00:14:40,165 you can open for me. That'd be fun. 376 00:14:40,209 --> 00:14:41,542 - Really? - Yeah. 377 00:14:41,585 --> 00:14:44,419 Wow. I'm actually good, but I'll... Cheers. 378 00:14:44,463 --> 00:14:46,964 But I'm not gonna drink. I just chugged a beer. 379 00:14:47,007 --> 00:14:50,801 Pete, part of being an opener is being a good hang, okay? 380 00:14:50,844 --> 00:14:53,053 It's like your second job. That's how you get ahead. 381 00:14:53,097 --> 00:14:54,680 So, bottoms up. 382 00:14:54,723 --> 00:14:56,098 Here, let's each do a toast. 383 00:14:56,141 --> 00:14:58,767 Comedy. Six letters, but a thousand reasons 384 00:14:58,811 --> 00:15:01,019 it makes the human condition easier. 385 00:15:01,063 --> 00:15:02,396 Cheers. 386 00:15:02,439 --> 00:15:03,772 Now you do one. 387 00:15:03,816 --> 00:15:05,148 Uh, to comedy. 388 00:15:05,192 --> 00:15:06,233 Take a look at your life 389 00:15:06,277 --> 00:15:08,318 and then write down some thoughts, 390 00:15:08,362 --> 00:15:10,696 memorize them, and then pass them off 391 00:15:10,739 --> 00:15:12,239 as something you're saying in the moment 392 00:15:12,283 --> 00:15:14,870 for people who are drinking and paid a cover. 393 00:15:15,452 --> 00:15:17,703 Cheers. You're fuckin' weird. 394 00:15:17,746 --> 00:15:20,035 A guy in Albany got indicted 395 00:15:20,791 --> 00:15:23,041 for fucking four of his pets. 396 00:15:23,085 --> 00:15:25,502 - [laughter, groaning] - A true story, okay? 397 00:15:25,546 --> 00:15:27,754 He told the cops he fucked 398 00:15:27,798 --> 00:15:29,400 three dogs... 399 00:15:30,301 --> 00:15:33,468 and my hand to God, he said he fucked a parrot. 400 00:15:33,512 --> 00:15:35,178 [laughter] 401 00:15:35,682 --> 00:15:37,153 Let's go through this. 402 00:15:37,956 --> 00:15:40,120 We've all gotten drunk and fucked a dog. 403 00:15:41,549 --> 00:15:42,705 But a parrot? 404 00:15:42,730 --> 00:15:44,062 If you're gonna fuck an animal, 405 00:15:44,106 --> 00:15:45,689 why fuck the one animal 406 00:15:45,733 --> 00:15:47,190 that could tell somebody about it? 407 00:15:47,234 --> 00:15:49,735 [laughter] 408 00:15:49,778 --> 00:15:52,738 Uh, you know what? Dude working the lights, stop flashing the light. 409 00:15:52,781 --> 00:15:54,364 The light means I have to get off stage. 410 00:15:54,408 --> 00:15:57,075 - I'm not getting off yet, all right? - [cheering] 411 00:15:57,119 --> 00:16:00,329 We just sat through TJ Miller's four-hour fucking marathon. 412 00:16:00,372 --> 00:16:01,872 [cheers, applause] 413 00:16:04,570 --> 00:16:06,126 Hey. How are ya? 414 00:16:06,170 --> 00:16:08,086 - Did you enjoy yourself? - Yes. You were amazing. 415 00:16:08,130 --> 00:16:09,504 TJ: All right, here, ready? 416 00:16:09,548 --> 00:16:12,132 - Let's stew it! - [cheering] 417 00:16:12,176 --> 00:16:15,052 I say it's "stew," not "do." Let's stew it! 418 00:16:15,095 --> 00:16:18,639 So, we should probably make a soup together is what I'm saying. 419 00:16:18,682 --> 00:16:21,016 - Hi. Oh, my God, you're so amazing. - Hey. 420 00:16:21,060 --> 00:16:23,397 Can we... Can I hug you? I need a hug. 421 00:16:23,422 --> 00:16:24,964 - Absolutely. - From you. Hi, I'm Susie. 422 00:16:24,989 --> 00:16:27,522 I can't tell you how much you mean to me. 423 00:16:27,566 --> 00:16:28,565 - I mean, you just are... - Aww. 424 00:16:28,609 --> 00:16:29,691 I'm such a big fan. 425 00:16:29,735 --> 00:16:31,151 You've literally made me laugh 426 00:16:31,195 --> 00:16:33,445 when I've been on the floor crying. 427 00:16:33,489 --> 00:16:35,364 - And I... - Oh, thanks, doll. 428 00:16:35,407 --> 00:16:36,865 I just... I love you. 429 00:16:36,909 --> 00:16:38,950 - I really do. - That's very nice of you to say. 430 00:16:38,994 --> 00:16:40,535 Yeah, do... Is it okay 431 00:16:40,579 --> 00:16:43,246 - if we take a picture maybe? Yeah? - Absolutely. Sure. 432 00:16:43,583 --> 00:16:44,624 Excuse me, can you do... 433 00:16:44,649 --> 00:16:46,333 Look alive, Pete. Come on. 434 00:16:46,377 --> 00:16:47,459 [chuckles] 435 00:16:47,503 --> 00:16:49,378 - Okay. - Get right in there. 436 00:16:49,421 --> 00:16:51,254 Hey. Do you want it, uh, 437 00:16:51,298 --> 00:16:53,048 - landscape or portrait? - Susie: Yeah, whatever. 438 00:16:53,092 --> 00:16:55,342 - Whatever takes the longest. Just... - [shutter clicks] 439 00:16:55,386 --> 00:16:56,677 - Oh, that works. - [laughs] 440 00:16:56,720 --> 00:16:58,804 - That works. That's great. - Thank you. 441 00:16:58,847 --> 00:17:00,764 Susie: Um, listen, um... 442 00:17:00,808 --> 00:17:02,724 - if you want to later, um, - Yeah? 443 00:17:02,768 --> 00:17:04,893 If you feel like partying a little bit later, 444 00:17:04,937 --> 00:17:06,353 - Yeah? - I've got... 445 00:17:06,397 --> 00:17:08,563 I, uh, I took a couple each way. 446 00:17:08,607 --> 00:17:09,690 Oh, thank you so much. 447 00:17:09,733 --> 00:17:11,358 - Good job. You're done now. - Thanks a lot. 448 00:17:11,402 --> 00:17:13,694 - Anyway, yeah... - [whispering] Absolutely. 449 00:17:13,737 --> 00:17:14,945 - Okay, yeah, okay. - I'll see you later. 450 00:17:14,988 --> 00:17:16,196 Yeah, I'll see you. 451 00:17:16,240 --> 00:17:17,469 Artie? 452 00:17:19,018 --> 00:17:20,409 Do you have something for me? 453 00:17:21,122 --> 00:17:22,285 Yeah, a fist. 454 00:17:22,310 --> 00:17:23,537 Let's go. Let's go, let's go. 455 00:17:23,580 --> 00:17:25,247 Come on, man. Look alive. 456 00:17:25,290 --> 00:17:27,207 High fives in the back, high fives in the back. 457 00:17:27,251 --> 00:17:29,584 Yeah. Hey, not you. You just got here. 458 00:17:29,628 --> 00:17:31,461 459 00:17:33,382 --> 00:17:34,965 Real quick. You got it. 460 00:17:35,008 --> 00:17:36,508 You guys are the last two. 461 00:17:36,552 --> 00:17:38,051 Good luck with everything, okay? 462 00:17:38,095 --> 00:17:39,594 See ya later. Have a safe drive home. 463 00:17:39,638 --> 00:17:41,197 - You too. - Okay. 464 00:17:43,345 --> 00:17:44,266 [sighs] 465 00:17:44,309 --> 00:17:46,685 All: Fuck cancer! Opa! 466 00:17:46,729 --> 00:17:48,145 Shoot it! Shoot, shoot! 467 00:17:48,986 --> 00:17:50,063 TJ: Yeah! 468 00:17:50,107 --> 00:17:52,315 All right, that was pretty good, right? 469 00:17:52,359 --> 00:17:53,567 You guys want to do another? 470 00:17:53,610 --> 00:17:55,360 Everybody again, "opa" on three. 471 00:17:55,404 --> 00:17:58,363 - One, two, three. - Group: Opa! 472 00:17:58,407 --> 00:18:00,487 That's a good one. Oh, you guys are great. 473 00:18:00,512 --> 00:18:02,492 [conversation continues indistinctly] 474 00:18:02,536 --> 00:18:05,162 Excuse me. Can we settle up? 475 00:18:05,205 --> 00:18:06,496 Sorry, what? 476 00:18:06,540 --> 00:18:07,956 I'd like to pay you. 477 00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:09,458 Oh. Uh, yeah. 478 00:18:09,501 --> 00:18:11,168 Yes, please. 479 00:18:11,211 --> 00:18:13,211 Do you have a loan out or should I make it out 480 00:18:13,255 --> 00:18:14,796 to you as an individual? 481 00:18:15,308 --> 00:18:16,602 It's a loan? 482 00:18:16,627 --> 00:18:17,924 Are you incorporated? 483 00:18:18,417 --> 00:18:20,141 I'm a... Well, I'm a human man. 484 00:18:20,166 --> 00:18:22,179 Fine. I'll just make it out to you then. 485 00:18:22,222 --> 00:18:24,431 No big deal. I just gotta grab my stuff, okay? 486 00:18:24,475 --> 00:18:26,433 Okay. Just don't dally. 487 00:18:26,477 --> 00:18:28,518 I won't dally. We're gonna have a blast. 488 00:18:28,562 --> 00:18:29,936 - Yeah, yeah. Okay. - All right. 489 00:18:29,980 --> 00:18:31,480 - See you in a bit. - Okay. 490 00:18:32,140 --> 00:18:34,399 Artie? Artie, what are you doing? 491 00:18:34,443 --> 00:18:36,860 Dude, I don't expect you to understand this, man. 492 00:18:36,904 --> 00:18:38,153 I'm just doin' this, all right? 493 00:18:38,197 --> 00:18:40,405 I... No. You asked me to keep you clean. 494 00:18:40,449 --> 00:18:41,782 You said it was my second job. 495 00:18:41,825 --> 00:18:43,408 - [muttering] - Come on, what are we doing? 496 00:18:43,452 --> 00:18:46,620 And I exonerate you, okay? Okay? I exonerate you. 497 00:18:46,663 --> 00:18:48,789 But look, Albany won. I'm an addict, 498 00:18:48,832 --> 00:18:51,708 and when an addict makes up their mind to do something, they do it. 499 00:18:51,752 --> 00:18:53,210 Albany beat us, man. 500 00:18:53,253 --> 00:18:54,294 No... [stammers] 501 00:18:54,338 --> 00:18:56,797 Hold on, Albany didn't beat us. 502 00:18:56,840 --> 00:18:58,298 It doesn't have to beat us. 503 00:18:58,342 --> 00:18:59,758 We can, uh... We can go home. 504 00:18:59,802 --> 00:19:01,176 We'll be... We'll be home in three hours. 505 00:19:01,220 --> 00:19:03,921 We can get a... a pizza. We can get a milkshake. 506 00:19:03,946 --> 00:19:06,575 We can go to a nudity booth, whatever you need. 507 00:19:06,671 --> 00:19:08,475 OK. I'm sure that three hours will fly by. 508 00:19:08,519 --> 00:19:10,852 You can listen to whatever music you want! 509 00:19:10,896 --> 00:19:13,605 Okay, listen to me. As tempting as that sounds, here's the deal: 510 00:19:13,649 --> 00:19:15,190 I'm doin' blow with this broad. 511 00:19:15,234 --> 00:19:17,317 You wanna help me, take me to a meeting tomorrow. 512 00:19:17,361 --> 00:19:20,070 - But right now, fuck off. - Artie, come on. 513 00:19:20,113 --> 00:19:21,947 - You don't... - [door closes] 514 00:19:31,280 --> 00:19:33,382 Hey, uh, Susie, hop in. 515 00:19:33,919 --> 00:19:35,502 Wh... Where's Artie? 516 00:19:35,546 --> 00:19:36,837 He doesn't want to come out the front. 517 00:19:36,880 --> 00:19:38,588 He'll get mobbed. I'll take you to him. 518 00:19:39,967 --> 00:19:42,050 All right. Okay, yeah. 519 00:19:46,054 --> 00:19:47,931 Is it okay if I smoke? 520 00:19:47,975 --> 00:19:49,349 Pfft. Yeah. Who cares? 521 00:19:49,393 --> 00:19:50,433 Fine. 522 00:20:12,335 --> 00:20:13,999 Are you from Albany or... 523 00:20:14,647 --> 00:20:15,959 Rochester. 524 00:20:18,796 --> 00:20:20,158 [sighs] 525 00:20:20,883 --> 00:20:23,091 He should be down any minute. 526 00:20:24,219 --> 00:20:26,232 This hotel looks kind of sad. 527 00:20:26,889 --> 00:20:28,179 This is where he's staying? 528 00:20:28,484 --> 00:20:29,973 I think he's loyal to the brand. 529 00:20:30,017 --> 00:20:31,224 He likes this chain. 530 00:20:31,268 --> 00:20:32,809 Has a lot of, um, 531 00:20:32,853 --> 00:20:34,468 he has a lot of points with them. 532 00:20:41,428 --> 00:20:43,361 Maybe you could text him. Hm? 533 00:20:43,405 --> 00:20:45,196 I don't have his number. 534 00:20:45,240 --> 00:20:46,781 And I don't have a phone. 535 00:20:50,140 --> 00:20:51,057 Oh. 536 00:20:53,892 --> 00:20:55,600 [sighs] 537 00:20:57,866 --> 00:20:59,211 Artie's not coming. 538 00:21:00,062 --> 00:21:01,171 What? 539 00:21:01,214 --> 00:21:02,464 Wh... What's going on? 540 00:21:02,507 --> 00:21:03,745 I didn't wanna... 541 00:21:04,757 --> 00:21:06,460 - I had to get you... - Oh, no. 542 00:21:06,511 --> 00:21:07,969 Oh, my God. 543 00:21:08,013 --> 00:21:09,971 No, no, no. It's not a power... 544 00:21:10,015 --> 00:21:11,723 - Don't... don't touch me! - I'm trying to help. 545 00:21:11,767 --> 00:21:13,433 - Don't touch me! - Hold on... 546 00:21:13,477 --> 00:21:16,019 [both screaming] 547 00:21:16,063 --> 00:21:17,187 Get away from me! 548 00:21:17,230 --> 00:21:18,688 - Don't! - Oh, God! 549 00:21:18,732 --> 00:21:21,441 [screams] Oh, God! 550 00:21:21,485 --> 00:21:23,735 - [coughing] - Fuck! Oh, fuck, fuck! 551 00:21:23,779 --> 00:21:25,445 - Holy shit! - No, no, hold on! 552 00:21:25,489 --> 00:21:27,530 I'm not attacking you. I'm not attacking you. 553 00:21:27,574 --> 00:21:29,115 I just had to keep you away from Artie! 554 00:21:29,159 --> 00:21:31,576 - What? - [both heave, cough] 555 00:21:31,620 --> 00:21:34,079 He's sober. I promised I would help him. 556 00:21:34,122 --> 00:21:36,706 He's my friend! I couldn't let you corrupt him! 557 00:21:36,750 --> 00:21:38,333 This is a kidnapping! 558 00:21:38,377 --> 00:21:40,543 - You've kidnapped me! - No! No, no, no! 559 00:21:40,587 --> 00:21:42,087 It's a switcheroo. 560 00:21:42,130 --> 00:21:44,506 - It was the old switcheroo. - [both groan] 561 00:21:44,549 --> 00:21:46,257 Oh, God. 562 00:21:46,301 --> 00:21:48,760 It's like the Devil came in my eyes. 563 00:21:48,804 --> 00:21:50,345 Oh, that's so gross. 564 00:21:50,389 --> 00:21:53,390 He's the Devil. He doesn't ask where to... where he can cum. 565 00:21:53,433 --> 00:21:55,099 We have to get a towel. Do you have a towel? 566 00:21:55,124 --> 00:21:56,172 Do you have something? 567 00:21:56,197 --> 00:21:57,936 I'm sorry, I don't have any wet wipes. 568 00:21:57,980 --> 00:22:00,230 I usually keep wet wipes in my car. I just ran out. 569 00:22:00,273 --> 00:22:01,606 [both coughing] 570 00:22:01,650 --> 00:22:02,732 [groans] 571 00:22:05,070 --> 00:22:07,195 [coughing] 572 00:22:11,451 --> 00:22:13,702 Sorry about tonight. I... 573 00:22:13,745 --> 00:22:15,161 I panicked. 574 00:22:15,205 --> 00:22:17,330 I... I don't know what would have happened 575 00:22:17,374 --> 00:22:19,155 if you had gone with him, and I... 576 00:22:19,710 --> 00:22:20,917 [sniffles] 577 00:22:20,961 --> 00:22:22,311 Oh, my God. 578 00:22:23,786 --> 00:22:25,786 [sighs] What is wrong with me? 579 00:22:27,927 --> 00:22:29,552 Are you crying or is... 580 00:22:29,595 --> 00:22:31,220 is this pepper spray? 581 00:22:32,307 --> 00:22:33,948 Tonight was my big night out. 582 00:22:34,293 --> 00:22:35,840 Okay? I mean, it was just... 583 00:22:36,728 --> 00:22:37,813 I got off work. 584 00:22:38,479 --> 00:22:40,581 I took my kids to my sister's house. 585 00:22:40,982 --> 00:22:43,194 I got this fucking spray tan. 586 00:22:44,485 --> 00:22:45,651 It's very nice. 587 00:22:45,695 --> 00:22:46,986 Very believable. 588 00:22:47,030 --> 00:22:48,573 It's just kind of pathetic. 589 00:22:48,598 --> 00:22:49,805 I just... 590 00:22:49,830 --> 00:22:51,032 I'm kind of a loser. 591 00:22:51,075 --> 00:22:52,616 I just... I feel like a piece of shit. 592 00:22:52,660 --> 00:22:54,118 No, no, you're cle... 593 00:22:54,162 --> 00:22:55,870 You're clearly a lovely person. 594 00:22:55,913 --> 00:22:58,331 It's just it was... It was a misunderstanding. 595 00:22:58,374 --> 00:23:00,333 You're literally hiding me from your friend 596 00:23:00,376 --> 00:23:01,959 because you think I'm a bad influence. 597 00:23:02,003 --> 00:23:03,640 You're misreading me. 598 00:23:03,963 --> 00:23:05,838 I just... He's an addict. 599 00:23:05,882 --> 00:23:07,673 It has nothing to do with you. 600 00:23:07,717 --> 00:23:09,050 Don't let this ruin your night. 601 00:23:09,093 --> 00:23:10,255 It's not that late. 602 00:23:10,280 --> 00:23:12,219 You seem great, we're having fun. 603 00:23:12,263 --> 00:23:14,472 - We... we... we... - Oh, yeah, we're having so much fun. 604 00:23:14,515 --> 00:23:17,516 We were assaulted together by an aerosol contaminant, 605 00:23:17,787 --> 00:23:19,784 and I think that's bonded us. 606 00:23:20,326 --> 00:23:22,688 And honestly, I would give you 607 00:23:22,732 --> 00:23:25,983 a thousand dollars just to use your sink. 608 00:23:27,981 --> 00:23:29,939 [mellow music playing] 609 00:23:32,158 --> 00:23:34,742 Hey, uh, name a celebrity. 610 00:23:34,786 --> 00:23:36,577 What do you mean? What? 611 00:23:36,621 --> 00:23:38,954 Name any celebrity. 612 00:23:38,998 --> 00:23:40,373 - Uh, um... - Thank you. 613 00:23:40,416 --> 00:23:42,375 - You're welcome. Cheers. - Cheers. 614 00:23:42,418 --> 00:23:44,418 - Any celebrity? - You name a celebrity, 615 00:23:44,462 --> 00:23:47,129 I'll do a three-second impression of that person. 616 00:23:47,173 --> 00:23:49,382 Okay, do Mark Wahlberg. 617 00:23:49,425 --> 00:23:51,467 Hey, how's it going? It's me, Mark. 618 00:23:51,511 --> 00:23:53,886 [both laugh] 619 00:23:53,930 --> 00:23:55,846 Hey, in Boogie Nights, I had a big ol' dick. 620 00:23:55,890 --> 00:23:57,306 - [laughs] - Look at the size of my dick. 621 00:23:57,350 --> 00:23:58,641 Arnold Schwarzenegger. 622 00:23:58,684 --> 00:24:01,602 [grunting] 623 00:24:01,646 --> 00:24:02,614 Nailed it. 624 00:24:02,639 --> 00:24:03,854 You know what? You're funny. 625 00:24:03,898 --> 00:24:05,356 You're so much funnier than that... 626 00:24:05,400 --> 00:24:07,232 That wordplay shit you do. 627 00:24:08,069 --> 00:24:10,027 Wait. Have you ever met Howard Stern? 628 00:24:10,071 --> 00:24:12,247 Uh, no, actually. I... I just met Artie. 629 00:24:12,272 --> 00:24:13,938 I think he feels bad for me. 630 00:24:13,963 --> 00:24:16,672 I'm going through a bit of a... a divorce. 631 00:24:16,697 --> 00:24:17,947 [snorts] 632 00:24:18,287 --> 00:24:19,328 Oh. 633 00:24:19,372 --> 00:24:21,330 I'm so sorry. [snorts] 634 00:24:21,374 --> 00:24:22,764 - [sighs] - Mm. 635 00:24:22,789 --> 00:24:24,801 Oh. Thank you. 636 00:24:25,294 --> 00:24:26,677 I'm really glad you're here. 637 00:24:27,213 --> 00:24:28,254 I'm glad you came in. 638 00:24:28,297 --> 00:24:29,912 I don't think I could have... 639 00:24:30,550 --> 00:24:32,700 watched another sunrise alone. 640 00:24:37,849 --> 00:24:38,856 - [snorts] - Oh. 641 00:24:38,881 --> 00:24:40,349 - [chuckles] - Whew! 642 00:24:40,393 --> 00:24:41,343 Spicy. 643 00:24:42,677 --> 00:24:43,885 Divorce sucks. 644 00:24:43,929 --> 00:24:45,887 - Tell me about it. - I know. 645 00:24:45,931 --> 00:24:48,473 But, you know, you know what they say. 646 00:24:49,559 --> 00:24:52,440 The best way to get over a woman 647 00:24:53,279 --> 00:24:54,812 is to get under another one. 648 00:24:56,274 --> 00:24:57,260 Yeah. 649 00:25:03,323 --> 00:25:04,447 Uh... 650 00:25:04,491 --> 00:25:05,490 Mm. 651 00:25:05,533 --> 00:25:07,158 Um... [moans] 652 00:25:11,189 --> 00:25:14,499 Hold... hold on. Hold on one... [moaning] 653 00:25:14,986 --> 00:25:16,167 Hold on. Please. 654 00:25:16,211 --> 00:25:19,379 - Um, thi... I'm on... - It's really... I'm gonna help you. 655 00:25:19,422 --> 00:25:20,621 You're a lovely woman. 656 00:25:20,646 --> 00:25:22,271 - And I'm honored to be in your home... - [moans] 657 00:25:22,296 --> 00:25:23,879 Hold on. Just full stop. 658 00:25:24,798 --> 00:25:25,886 Full stop. 659 00:25:25,911 --> 00:25:27,119 What's wrong? It... 660 00:25:27,144 --> 00:25:28,805 Please stop touching my balls. 661 00:25:29,512 --> 00:25:30,839 - Okay. - I'm sorry. 662 00:25:30,892 --> 00:25:31,933 I'm not ready. 663 00:25:32,375 --> 00:25:34,018 What... What did you come in for? 664 00:25:34,062 --> 00:25:35,353 You were so sad. 665 00:25:35,397 --> 00:25:38,022 I didn't want to leave you on such a low note. 666 00:25:38,066 --> 00:25:39,857 Wait. Hold on. 667 00:25:39,901 --> 00:25:42,694 Wait. So you just came in to hang out? 668 00:25:42,737 --> 00:25:44,737 I... I thought we could relax 669 00:25:44,781 --> 00:25:46,281 and I could help you wind down 670 00:25:46,324 --> 00:25:48,491 and then I would slip out into the night 671 00:25:48,535 --> 00:25:51,786 and you'd go, "Thank you. Thank you for that kindness." 672 00:25:51,830 --> 00:25:53,746 I'm sorry, what the fuck are you saying? 673 00:25:53,790 --> 00:25:56,138 Hold on, hold on. Picture Tom Hanks. 674 00:25:57,043 --> 00:25:59,127 - This is what he would do. - If Tom Hanks were here, 675 00:25:59,170 --> 00:26:00,795 he'd be going down on me by now. 676 00:26:00,839 --> 00:26:02,588 Tom Hanks? 677 00:26:02,632 --> 00:26:04,007 You just think you just come in here 678 00:26:04,050 --> 00:26:05,258 - and... and... and... - Hold on, hold on. 679 00:26:05,302 --> 00:26:06,467 I'm trying to be a gentleman. 680 00:26:06,511 --> 00:26:08,177 I don't want sex. 681 00:26:08,221 --> 00:26:10,638 I just want to make sure you're okay. 682 00:26:10,682 --> 00:26:12,098 You think you're being a gentleman? 683 00:26:12,142 --> 00:26:13,809 This is not being a gentleman. 684 00:26:13,834 --> 00:26:16,644 A gentleman does not come into a lady's home 685 00:26:16,688 --> 00:26:19,188 at 11 o'clock at night, have a drink, 686 00:26:19,232 --> 00:26:21,816 and then not fuck her with his gentleman dick! 687 00:26:21,860 --> 00:26:23,318 I'm so sorry. 688 00:26:23,361 --> 00:26:24,736 I thought this was the right thing. 689 00:26:24,779 --> 00:26:25,945 What is wrong with you? 690 00:26:25,989 --> 00:26:27,572 You know what? This is not happening. 691 00:26:27,615 --> 00:26:29,073 This is not ha... You gotta go. 692 00:26:29,117 --> 00:26:30,325 You seriously have to go. 693 00:26:30,368 --> 00:26:31,743 This was a big misunderstanding. 694 00:26:31,786 --> 00:26:32,994 I thought you would be happy... 695 00:26:33,038 --> 00:26:35,121 I'm not happy! You make me feel bad! 696 00:26:35,165 --> 00:26:36,581 You're making me feel bad! 697 00:26:36,624 --> 00:26:39,083 You gotta get the fuck out of here now! 698 00:26:39,127 --> 00:26:40,295 - Okay. - Get out! 699 00:26:40,320 --> 00:26:41,229 I'm so sorry. 700 00:26:41,254 --> 00:26:43,379 Thank you... thank you for the drink. 701 00:26:43,423 --> 00:26:45,192 Oh, my God. 702 00:26:45,320 --> 00:26:46,726 What is wrong with me? 703 00:26:51,431 --> 00:26:52,638 Wanna do another one? 704 00:26:52,682 --> 00:26:55,266 - Yeah? Yeah, okay. - Hey. 705 00:26:55,310 --> 00:26:57,560 Is Artie here? Where... Have you seen Artie? 706 00:26:57,604 --> 00:26:59,312 - Artie's gone, man. - What? 707 00:26:59,356 --> 00:27:01,939 Where did he go? Where... I need to get Artie. 708 00:27:01,983 --> 00:27:04,400 He got in a cab, he said, "Take me home," and he went home. 709 00:27:04,444 --> 00:27:06,235 He's fine. Don't worry about it. Take a shot! 710 00:27:06,279 --> 00:27:08,404 - Take a shot with us. - Was he sober? 711 00:27:08,448 --> 00:27:10,573 Uh, well, I saw him eat cheese fries 712 00:27:10,617 --> 00:27:12,158 as if he might have a food addiction. 713 00:27:12,202 --> 00:27:14,327 But no, he... He was not partying. 714 00:27:14,371 --> 00:27:16,788 - Here we go. - I can't, I'm driving. 715 00:27:16,831 --> 00:27:18,081 Driving where? 716 00:27:18,124 --> 00:27:19,999 I drove here. I'm driving back to the city. 717 00:27:20,043 --> 00:27:22,210 [gasps] Where in the city? 718 00:27:22,253 --> 00:27:24,295 That's the thing. I don't have anywhere to stay. 719 00:27:25,715 --> 00:27:28,633 If you drive me to Manhattan, you can crash at my place. 720 00:27:28,676 --> 00:27:30,301 Come on. Let's do it. 721 00:27:31,471 --> 00:27:32,637 Oh! 722 00:27:33,765 --> 00:27:35,390 You forgot these. Giving you this. 723 00:27:35,433 --> 00:27:36,432 Don't forget that. 724 00:27:36,831 --> 00:27:38,783 [whistles, laughs] 725 00:27:39,104 --> 00:27:40,686 [whistles] 726 00:27:40,730 --> 00:27:43,147 [door opens, closes] 727 00:27:43,191 --> 00:27:46,275 Let's stew it! [burps] 728 00:27:47,695 --> 00:27:49,695 TJ: This worked out perfectly. 729 00:27:49,739 --> 00:27:52,532 730 00:27:52,575 --> 00:27:55,868 But if I can't swim after 40 days 731 00:27:55,912 --> 00:27:59,956 And my mind is crushed by the crashing waves 732 00:27:59,999 --> 00:28:04,001 Lift me up so high that I cannot fall 733 00:28:04,045 --> 00:28:06,838 Lift me, oh, whoa 734 00:28:08,299 --> 00:28:10,216 Lift me up 735 00:28:10,260 --> 00:28:12,176 When I'm falling 736 00:28:12,220 --> 00:28:13,845 Lift me up 737 00:28:13,888 --> 00:28:16,639 I'm weak and I'm dyin' 738 00:28:16,683 --> 00:28:18,433 Lift me up 739 00:28:18,476 --> 00:28:20,810 I need you to hold me 740 00:28:20,854 --> 00:28:22,603 Lift me up 741 00:28:22,647 --> 00:28:25,231 Keep me from drowning again 742 00:28:25,275 --> 00:28:26,816 Lift me up 743 00:28:26,860 --> 00:28:29,277 When I'm falling 744 00:28:29,320 --> 00:28:30,528 Lift me up 745 00:28:30,572 --> 00:28:33,489 I'm weak and I'm dying 746 00:28:33,533 --> 00:28:34,740 Lift me up 747 00:28:34,784 --> 00:28:37,452 I need you to hold me 748 00:28:37,495 --> 00:28:38,786 Lift me up 749 00:28:38,830 --> 00:28:42,623 And keep me from drowning again 750 00:28:42,667 --> 00:28:45,877 751 00:28:46,119 --> 00:28:48,883 Synced and corrected by louvette www.addic7ed.com 752 00:28:48,933 --> 00:28:53,483 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 53600

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