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1
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And so it is that we say goodbye
2
00:00:19,000 --> 00:00:23,360
to a woman of great poise
and dignity.
3
00:00:23,360 --> 00:00:24,920
Katya...
4
00:00:24,920 --> 00:00:26,560
Seritska.
5
00:00:26,560 --> 00:00:27,880
Ha! Got it that time.
6
00:00:30,600 --> 00:00:33,840
May she rest...in peace.
7
00:00:36,720 --> 00:00:38,920
MACHINE WHIRS LOUDLY
8
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MACHINE JARS LOUDLY
9
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Sorry, this keeps happening.
10
00:00:45,880 --> 00:00:48,080
Erm... Let me have a look at it.
11
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Someone said it might be the belt.
12
00:00:51,920 --> 00:00:54,680
I tell you what's happened 'ere.
13
00:00:54,680 --> 00:00:56,360
You got a gearing problem.
14
00:00:56,360 --> 00:00:59,040
Your gearing's
going to need replacing.
15
00:00:59,040 --> 00:01:00,720
Ooh, sounds expensive.
16
00:01:00,720 --> 00:01:02,200
Hold on a second.
17
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MACHINE BUZZES
18
00:01:05,200 --> 00:01:08,280
Probably noisy in the short-term,
should be all right in a moment.
19
00:01:08,280 --> 00:01:10,720
Great, thanks, you're a life-saver.
20
00:01:10,720 --> 00:01:12,200
Apologies, everyone.
21
00:01:22,640 --> 00:01:24,320
Mate?
22
00:01:24,320 --> 00:01:26,000
Not there. Sorry?
23
00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:27,520
Someone's sitting there.
24
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Who? There's no-one in the...
25
00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:34,240
Eh, someone's sitting there,
didn't you tell him?
26
00:01:34,240 --> 00:01:36,200
I did, yeah.
No, you can't sit there.
27
00:01:36,200 --> 00:01:37,960
You have to sit there or there.
28
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All right, all right.
29
00:01:39,720 --> 00:01:42,360
What's he doing I...? I AM MOVING!
30
00:01:43,840 --> 00:01:47,880
Eggy, John, how's tricks?
Oh, you know, surviving.
31
00:01:49,120 --> 00:01:52,000
Wow, hello, stranger.
Where have you been?
32
00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:54,760
Oh, not been anywhere,
actually, I'm going somewhere.
33
00:01:54,760 --> 00:01:57,560
I've not been around because...
Well, it's boring.
34
00:01:57,560 --> 00:02:00,320
Where's Arthur? We've not seen him.
35
00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:01,720
Has he not been in yet?
36
00:02:01,720 --> 00:02:04,080
That's weird.
Not been in for days, Michael.
37
00:02:04,080 --> 00:02:06,560
Seriously, where have you been?
38
00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:10,400
Oh, I've just been having a series
of angry meetings with my publisher.
39
00:02:10,400 --> 00:02:13,560
The book I handed in is not the book
they want, apparently.
40
00:02:13,560 --> 00:02:16,680
Now they're threatening
to put this awful cover on it.
41
00:02:16,680 --> 00:02:19,680
For days? Not since Katya's funeral.
42
00:02:19,680 --> 00:02:22,480
Oh, that's not so bad. What?
43
00:02:22,480 --> 00:02:25,680
It's awful. It doesn't
represent the book at all.
44
00:02:25,680 --> 00:02:28,760
They might as well have called
it "Ghostbusters III".
45
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Eggy, have you seen Arthur?
46
00:02:31,360 --> 00:02:34,640
I've been past his house
but the curtains were drawn.
47
00:02:34,640 --> 00:02:36,360
Do you think he's been kidnapped?
48
00:02:36,360 --> 00:02:39,880
No, no-one would kidnap Arthur, that
would mean spending time with him.
49
00:02:41,440 --> 00:02:43,280
God, look at this place.
50
00:02:43,280 --> 00:02:46,160
It's like somebody's died.
I can't believe I've just said that.
51
00:02:47,360 --> 00:02:50,440
This is what it's been like.
Not just Katya dying...
52
00:02:50,440 --> 00:02:52,120
it's Arthur not 'ere.
53
00:02:52,120 --> 00:02:55,160
It's not the same, Michael,
it's not the same at all.
54
00:02:55,160 --> 00:02:58,440
Everybody! What a
beautiful day to be alive!
55
00:03:00,600 --> 00:03:02,560
You, new - good beard.
56
00:03:06,400 --> 00:03:08,120
SINEM HUMS TO HIMSELF
57
00:03:09,400 --> 00:03:10,760
Eh, where are you going?
58
00:03:10,760 --> 00:03:14,320
I'm going to get Arthur, that's not
right, what just happened. That...
59
00:03:14,320 --> 00:03:16,600
That's not right at all.
60
00:03:16,600 --> 00:03:18,240
Wait for me.
61
00:03:22,560 --> 00:03:23,920
DOORBELL BUZZES
62
00:03:23,920 --> 00:03:26,680
Arthur? Arthur,
it's Michael and John.
63
00:03:26,680 --> 00:03:29,400
And Dickie. And Dickie,
it's Michael, John and Dickie.
64
00:03:30,400 --> 00:03:32,680
Still can't hear anything.
JOHN: Let me have a look.
65
00:03:35,640 --> 00:03:38,000
It's very dark in there.
66
00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:40,560
You're wearing sunglasses.
67
00:03:40,560 --> 00:03:42,800
Arthur? Arthur, you there?
68
00:03:42,800 --> 00:03:44,520
I don't like this.
69
00:03:44,520 --> 00:03:47,360
He's not down the cafe,
he's not answering his door.
70
00:03:47,360 --> 00:03:48,600
I don't like this at all.
71
00:03:48,600 --> 00:03:50,920
Right, that's it, there's
somebody not right here -
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00:03:50,920 --> 00:03:52,360
I'm going to call an ambulance.
73
00:03:52,360 --> 00:03:54,360
Yes, ambulance, please,
and possibly police.
74
00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:59,560
Yes, hello, there's a man in his
70s, he's not opening his door.
75
00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:02,400
We think he might have fallen
or something. Kidnapped! Ssh.
76
00:04:04,080 --> 00:04:06,400
Sorry, can you repeat that?
77
00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:08,560
The address?
Yes, what's the address here?
78
00:04:08,560 --> 00:04:09,880
ARTHUR: 54 Rosea Street.
79
00:04:11,240 --> 00:04:14,600
54 Rosea Street. Better hurry,
please, it's an emergency.
80
00:04:14,600 --> 00:04:16,600
All right, I think
they're on their way.
81
00:04:16,600 --> 00:04:18,560
There's an old man in my house!
82
00:04:18,560 --> 00:04:20,720
Oh, what!? Is he in here?
83
00:04:20,720 --> 00:04:22,640
Woo!
84
00:04:23,760 --> 00:04:26,840
There's nothing there. You two check
the kitchen and I'll go upstairs.
85
00:04:26,840 --> 00:04:29,800
Righto, Arthur, what are we looking
for? There's a man in the house!
86
00:04:29,800 --> 00:04:31,280
Is there? No, Arthur...
87
00:04:31,280 --> 00:04:33,520
Oh, yes, hello, panic solved.
ARTHUR SCREAMS
88
00:04:33,520 --> 00:04:35,520
He's just been up the shops.
You're pathetic!
89
00:04:35,520 --> 00:04:38,240
I'm not speaking to the same person,
am I? Ambulance, please.
90
00:04:38,240 --> 00:04:40,120
And possibly police,
but only to cancel.
91
00:04:40,120 --> 00:04:41,960
Has anyone looked in 'ere?
There's no man.
92
00:04:41,960 --> 00:04:44,080
Ambulance? Yes, I'd like
to cancel one, please.
93
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ARTHUR SHOUTS
No, not order another one.
94
00:04:45,920 --> 00:04:47,960
Sorry, is this the right number
to cancel them?
95
00:04:47,960 --> 00:04:50,480
Who's up 'ere?! An ambulance
and possibly some policemen.
96
00:04:50,480 --> 00:04:51,680
You're in big trouble now!
97
00:04:51,680 --> 00:04:53,440
No, no, I don't want
to order another one,
98
00:04:53,440 --> 00:04:54,960
I just want to cancel the first lot.
99
00:04:54,960 --> 00:04:57,560
The address? Yes, hang on a minute.
Arthur? He's not up there.
100
00:04:57,560 --> 00:05:00,000
Any luck, John? Not at all,
there's no-one in the garden.
101
00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:01,280
I'll check upstairs.
102
00:05:01,280 --> 00:05:04,600
Arthur, what's the address? 54 Rosea
Street and tell them to hurry.
103
00:05:04,600 --> 00:05:07,640
No, ignore him,
I'm definitely cancelling.
104
00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:09,920
He might still be in the area!
THERE'S NO MAN!
105
00:05:09,920 --> 00:05:11,320
Yes, cancelling the ambulance.
106
00:05:11,320 --> 00:05:14,360
We don't want an ambulance,
send police! Don't send police!
107
00:05:14,360 --> 00:05:17,240
I'm cancelling the police. But I
don't know if I ordered the police,
108
00:05:17,240 --> 00:05:18,720
so I don't know if I have to cancel.
109
00:05:18,720 --> 00:05:21,160
Just cancel everybody who's
coming to 54 Rosea Street.
110
00:05:21,160 --> 00:05:23,000
There's no-one in there.
OH, MY GOD!!!
111
00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:24,840
No, I'm fine, I'm just
screaming at the man.
112
00:05:24,840 --> 00:05:27,360
Don't send an ambulance,
PLEASE don't send an ambulance.
113
00:05:27,360 --> 00:05:29,120
JOHN: Is anyone there?
114
00:05:29,120 --> 00:05:32,000
Very nice to have you in the cafe.
Thank you, come again.
115
00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:33,280
Hey, we miss you.
116
00:05:34,240 --> 00:05:35,760
Good luck with the date.
117
00:05:38,160 --> 00:05:39,680
Oh!
118
00:05:39,680 --> 00:05:43,360
What's up with you?
I hate this! How does he do this?
119
00:05:43,360 --> 00:05:46,760
What? All this goddamn, stinking
positivity goes right up my arse!
120
00:05:48,160 --> 00:05:52,040
Is this how he feels? Who?
Idiot Man - Arthur.
121
00:05:52,040 --> 00:05:56,360
Hold on, what are you talking about?
Sinem, I can't be Arthur.
122
00:05:56,360 --> 00:05:58,920
Why do you need to be Arthur?
Look at the place, it's dead.
123
00:05:58,920 --> 00:06:01,920
It's been like this for days
because HE is not here.
124
00:06:01,920 --> 00:06:03,480
No, no, no, no,
he has to come back -
125
00:06:03,480 --> 00:06:06,680
it's the only way I can
be me again - to be rude.
126
00:06:06,680 --> 00:06:09,160
To get annoyed at people.
It's who I am, it's what I do.
127
00:06:10,480 --> 00:06:12,320
You want to be rude to me
for a few minutes?
128
00:06:12,320 --> 00:06:14,800
SHUT UP! Stupid idea!
SOFTER: Thank you very much.
129
00:06:16,520 --> 00:06:18,520
Much better.
130
00:06:18,520 --> 00:06:20,320
We were worried about you, Arthur.
131
00:06:20,320 --> 00:06:22,440
We thought you'd been kidnapped.
132
00:06:22,440 --> 00:06:24,880
Or fallen. We thought you'd fallen.
133
00:06:24,880 --> 00:06:28,040
What are you on about? Well,
you haven't been down the cafe.
134
00:06:28,040 --> 00:06:30,000
Right, I think I've cancelled them.
135
00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:32,560
Well, I don't have to
be in the cafe every day, do I?
136
00:06:32,560 --> 00:06:35,920
I do have other things to do.
And what if I had fallen?
137
00:06:35,920 --> 00:06:37,600
I'd have just got up, wouldn't I?
138
00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:41,880
I'm not an invalid. Sorry, Arthur,
we were just worried about you.
139
00:06:41,880 --> 00:06:43,800
Yes, well, there's
nothing to worry about.
140
00:06:43,800 --> 00:06:46,320
I'm fine, leave me alone.
141
00:06:46,320 --> 00:06:49,160
Oh, 'ere, you dropped this.
142
00:06:49,160 --> 00:06:52,440
Oh, thank you. You know, Arthur,
this isn't going to be the...
143
00:06:52,440 --> 00:06:55,360
Oh, come on, anyway - out, out, out!
Go on, I've got things to do.
144
00:06:55,360 --> 00:06:57,200
Go on, off you go.
All right, all right.
145
00:07:02,040 --> 00:07:03,440
SIRENS BLARE
146
00:07:03,440 --> 00:07:04,880
Oh, you're kidding me!
147
00:07:09,760 --> 00:07:12,640
So, how long are you going away for?
148
00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:15,800
Oh, forever, I'm ...
I'm going back home.
149
00:07:15,800 --> 00:07:18,960
Back to York. You don't...?
150
00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:20,800
You don't live in London?
151
00:07:20,800 --> 00:07:25,400
No. Oh, no, no, I'm just here
for Arthur and to write the book.
152
00:07:25,400 --> 00:07:28,160
And now it's done,
there's no reason for me to stay.
153
00:07:28,160 --> 00:07:30,840
Oh, yeah. Yeah, course.
154
00:07:32,400 --> 00:07:35,760
I don't feel like I can leave
Arthur in this state though.
155
00:07:35,760 --> 00:07:39,160
I think Katya's death affected
him more than he's letting on.
156
00:07:39,160 --> 00:07:41,400
And that funeral...
Yes, that was awful.
157
00:07:41,400 --> 00:07:44,640
Wasn't what you call
a proper send-off, was it?
158
00:07:44,640 --> 00:07:47,680
No, I'm definitely going to stay
until I know Arthur's all right.
159
00:07:47,680 --> 00:07:50,280
Yeah, that's the right thing to do.
160
00:07:50,280 --> 00:07:51,720
And...
161
00:07:53,440 --> 00:07:55,680
..that's the only reason? What?
162
00:07:56,840 --> 00:07:58,880
That's the only reason you're here?
163
00:07:58,880 --> 00:08:00,240
Oh, erm...
164
00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:08,560
Yeah, that's about it.
165
00:08:08,560 --> 00:08:10,720
OK.
166
00:08:19,400 --> 00:08:21,360
All right, Arthur?
167
00:08:21,360 --> 00:08:23,200
Arthur! Arthur, you're back.
168
00:08:23,200 --> 00:08:25,760
Hey, Arthur! Number three with eggs?
169
00:08:25,760 --> 00:08:27,480
That's a number four.
170
00:08:31,760 --> 00:08:34,440
No, I shouldn't have come back,
she's still 'ere.
171
00:08:34,440 --> 00:08:38,000
What? Katya, she's still here.
172
00:08:38,000 --> 00:08:39,240
And she's not happy.
173
00:08:40,280 --> 00:08:42,840
She was my biggest fan, Michael.
174
00:08:42,840 --> 00:08:46,400
She was my only fan. I can't bear
the thought of her not being happy.
175
00:08:47,520 --> 00:08:50,120
What can we do, Arthur?
There's nothing we can do.
176
00:08:51,480 --> 00:08:53,200
There's one thing we can do.
177
00:08:55,720 --> 00:08:58,400
SINISTER ORCHESTRAL MUSIC
178
00:09:10,560 --> 00:09:12,560
MUSIC STOPS
179
00:09:12,560 --> 00:09:14,840
Hello, Sheila?
180
00:09:14,840 --> 00:09:16,680
Oh, that's great news.
181
00:09:16,680 --> 00:09:17,960
Oh, super.
182
00:09:17,960 --> 00:09:19,960
All right, speak later. OK, bye.
183
00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:22,680
Nice to see the turban back.
184
00:09:22,680 --> 00:09:24,000
You what?
185
00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:27,080
Remember when we first met, you wore
that turban for your Memory Man act.
186
00:09:27,080 --> 00:09:28,480
Memory Man act?
187
00:09:30,520 --> 00:09:32,200
Just forget it.
188
00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:35,200
Oh, yes, yes.
Oh, this is for sale, this is.
189
00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:37,080
Yeah, this isn't me
Memory Man turban.
190
00:09:37,080 --> 00:09:39,480
Yes, it is. No, it isn't.
191
00:09:39,480 --> 00:09:41,320
This is me Memory Man turb...
192
00:09:41,320 --> 00:09:43,880
Oh, no, that's
me round-the-house one.
193
00:09:45,920 --> 00:09:48,400
This is me Memory Man turban.
194
00:09:48,400 --> 00:09:52,760
I think I would know which turban
I'm wearing, thank you very much.
195
00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:54,640
Right, shall we get started then?
196
00:09:54,640 --> 00:09:56,640
I'm missing One Born Every Minute.
197
00:09:56,640 --> 00:09:58,600
I didn't know you did
all this stuff, Arthur.
198
00:09:58,600 --> 00:10:02,000
Oh, yes, my mother was a medium.
199
00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:04,840
You always told me
she was a big woman.
200
00:10:04,840 --> 00:10:06,560
I don't mean her dress size!
201
00:10:06,560 --> 00:10:09,080
She was big-boned, yes -
she was an extra large.
202
00:10:09,080 --> 00:10:11,120
Now, will you shut up
and let me do this?
203
00:10:12,760 --> 00:10:15,520
My mother was an extra-large medium.
204
00:10:17,640 --> 00:10:20,840
When I was a small boy,
she would put me into a trance,
205
00:10:20,840 --> 00:10:22,720
and I would speak in tongues,
206
00:10:22,720 --> 00:10:25,960
and all the wisdom of the
Ancients would flow through me.
207
00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:30,600
So deep was this trance-like
state that the only thing
208
00:10:30,600 --> 00:10:34,320
that would bring me out of it
was being bit by the parrot.
209
00:10:36,120 --> 00:10:37,760
Parrot?
210
00:10:37,760 --> 00:10:39,480
We had a parrot.
211
00:10:39,480 --> 00:10:40,960
What was he called?
212
00:10:40,960 --> 00:10:43,480
His name was Captain Cheeky.
213
00:10:44,800 --> 00:10:47,840
Are you going to take this
seriously, or not? I'm sorry.
214
00:10:47,840 --> 00:10:49,160
HE CLEARS THROAT
215
00:10:49,160 --> 00:10:51,080
I'm taking it seriously, Arthur.
216
00:10:51,080 --> 00:10:53,080
I take it very seriously.
217
00:10:54,440 --> 00:10:56,640
My sister...lived in
218
00:10:56,640 --> 00:11:00,440
one of those old Victorian
houses in Stoke Newington.
219
00:11:00,440 --> 00:11:04,760
One night, she was woken
by the sound of scratching.
220
00:11:04,760 --> 00:11:06,440
She sat up, and there,
221
00:11:06,440 --> 00:11:09,680
at the dressing table
at the end of her bed,
222
00:11:09,680 --> 00:11:12,400
was an old woman brushing her hair.
223
00:11:12,400 --> 00:11:15,560
Then, the woman
turned around and there,
224
00:11:15,560 --> 00:11:20,600
where her eyes should have been,
there were two dark holes.
225
00:11:20,600 --> 00:11:23,480
She pointed at my sister,
226
00:11:23,480 --> 00:11:26,840
and said, "You have my eyes."
227
00:11:35,040 --> 00:11:37,880
DOOR BUZZES LOUDLY
228
00:11:37,880 --> 00:11:39,440
Oh, that'll be Bulent.
229
00:11:39,440 --> 00:11:40,920
Oh. Bulent, lovely(!)
230
00:11:40,920 --> 00:11:43,120
Oh, that's given me
a right turn, that.
231
00:11:44,160 --> 00:11:47,720
I'm imposing a rule -
no scary stories at the seance.
232
00:11:50,880 --> 00:11:54,440
Oh, Bulent, please, it's for Katya.
233
00:11:54,440 --> 00:11:56,720
20 minutes, then I'm going.
Good for you, Bulent.
234
00:11:56,720 --> 00:11:59,720
And if I see anything I don't like,
I'm off, so is my sister.
235
00:11:59,720 --> 00:12:01,480
Oh, shut up, you're not Dad.
236
00:12:01,480 --> 00:12:03,680
Worry not, Bulent...
237
00:12:03,680 --> 00:12:06,760
while no-one could describe what we
are doing here tonight
238
00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:08,480
as conventional...
239
00:12:08,480 --> 00:12:13,400
I can assure you, it is done with
the utmost seriousness and gravity.
240
00:12:14,880 --> 00:12:19,440
Now, someone pour the drinks
while I get the Haunted Blackboard.
241
00:12:22,000 --> 00:12:23,640
Oh, Polish vodka, how appropriate.
242
00:12:23,640 --> 00:12:26,040
Is that all right for everyone?
ALL: Yes, thank you.
243
00:12:30,280 --> 00:12:32,920
One for the road? Ha, yeah.
244
00:12:32,920 --> 00:12:35,000
Looks like we're going
to probably need it.
245
00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:39,360
Bottoms up. Oh, yes.
246
00:12:39,360 --> 00:12:41,240
Oof, bottoms.
247
00:12:44,240 --> 00:12:46,640
Ah.
248
00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:48,400
All right...
249
00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:51,320
I shall now draw
a protective pentangle.
250
00:12:52,400 --> 00:12:55,920
This pentangle will be
our last line of defence
251
00:12:55,920 --> 00:13:00,440
should any evil spirits attempt
to invade our mortal realm.
252
00:13:01,880 --> 00:13:04,400
I'm definitely going to miss it now.
It'll be repeated.
253
00:13:04,400 --> 00:13:06,440
It's not the same
when you can't tweet about it.
254
00:13:19,440 --> 00:13:22,240
Oh, look, we'll forget doing
the protective pentangle,
255
00:13:22,240 --> 00:13:24,440
it's not that important.
256
00:13:24,440 --> 00:13:26,720
What? What? No protection?
257
00:13:26,720 --> 00:13:28,240
He said it was "for protection".
258
00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:29,960
He said it was "crucial".
259
00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:31,320
Arthur, can I put the telly on?
260
00:13:31,320 --> 00:13:33,840
No, you can't put the telly on -
we're doing a seance.
261
00:13:33,840 --> 00:13:35,840
Look, don't we need
it for protection?
262
00:13:35,840 --> 00:13:38,440
God knows what this idiot
will do in the spirit world.
263
00:13:38,440 --> 00:13:41,920
Look, I got it wrong, we don't need
a protective pentangle now.
264
00:13:41,920 --> 00:13:43,880
No, no, no, I'll do it, I'll do it.
265
00:13:43,880 --> 00:13:45,520
I'll turn the sound down.
266
00:13:45,520 --> 00:13:48,600
No, it'll interfere with
the radiowaves, John.
267
00:13:48,600 --> 00:13:52,240
Besides, you can't watch One Born
Every Minute with the sound down -
268
00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:54,520
the screaming
and breathing's the best bit.
269
00:13:57,480 --> 00:13:58,920
There.
270
00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:03,560
What's that? It's a rectangle.
271
00:14:03,560 --> 00:14:06,600
Not a rectangle.
I could draw a bloody rectangle.
272
00:14:07,720 --> 00:14:10,040
What use is a rectangle?
273
00:14:10,040 --> 00:14:14,640
You can't see off the forces
of darkness with a bloody rectangle.
274
00:14:14,640 --> 00:14:16,080
Oh, sit down.
275
00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:19,320
Right, everybody...
276
00:14:19,320 --> 00:14:23,440
I want you to put your hands
on the table to form a circle.
277
00:14:23,440 --> 00:14:27,200
Once formed, under no circumstances
must the circle be broken.
278
00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:30,960
Whatever happens, do not
break the circle - I implore you.
279
00:14:32,560 --> 00:14:35,360
If you do, the repercussions
will be dire indeed.
280
00:14:37,200 --> 00:14:38,960
Close your eyes.
281
00:14:41,640 --> 00:14:43,320
Oooh.
282
00:14:45,160 --> 00:14:47,400
Ooooh.
283
00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:49,040
Is there anybody...? John!
284
00:14:53,720 --> 00:14:55,840
Sorry, Arthur.
285
00:14:55,840 --> 00:14:58,120
We've only got
a rectangle for protection
286
00:14:58,120 --> 00:15:00,240
and you've broken the bloody circle.
287
00:15:01,680 --> 00:15:03,880
It's a repeat anyway.
288
00:15:03,880 --> 00:15:06,040
Oh, is it the one with
the woman from Leeds?
289
00:15:06,040 --> 00:15:08,040
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, this one's brilliant.
290
00:15:12,960 --> 00:15:14,640
ARTHUR SOBS
291
00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:18,600
It was a good one, that, wasn't it?
292
00:15:18,600 --> 00:15:21,720
Right, I need a drink, anybody else?
Yes, please. Yes.
293
00:15:21,720 --> 00:15:23,800
The programme was
extremely unpleasant.
294
00:15:25,840 --> 00:15:29,400
I tell you something,
this seance is a right shambles.
295
00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:31,960
There's nothing for it.
296
00:15:33,280 --> 00:15:36,560
We're going to have to resort
to more extreme measures.
297
00:15:40,480 --> 00:15:42,000
The Spirit Board.
298
00:15:43,720 --> 00:15:46,040
Oh, I don't know about this, Arthur.
299
00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:47,680
Wasn't that how
The Exorcist started?
300
00:15:47,680 --> 00:15:49,440
No, they probably used
the cheap one.
301
00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:53,280
That's top of the range is that.
302
00:15:53,280 --> 00:15:54,400
How's this?
303
00:15:56,320 --> 00:15:58,440
It's just another rectangle.
304
00:15:58,440 --> 00:16:02,280
Anyway, wipe all that off, we'll
need that for the spirit messages.
305
00:16:02,280 --> 00:16:03,600
Right...
306
00:16:03,600 --> 00:16:07,280
Come on, everybody, let's
communicate with the spirit world
307
00:16:07,280 --> 00:16:10,520
and see what messages and
wisdom they have to impart.
308
00:16:11,640 --> 00:16:13,640
Where did you get
these glasses from? Eh...
309
00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:17,960
Oh... Eh, Woolworths, I think.
310
00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:21,000
Yesterday. Anyway, come on,
wisdom of the spirits.
311
00:16:27,800 --> 00:16:32,400
"I smell bricks."
312
00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:34,920
"I smell bricks."
313
00:16:34,920 --> 00:16:38,560
It doesn't say, "I smell bricks",
it says, "I smell good".
314
00:16:38,560 --> 00:16:40,520
Uh, come on - think, people, think.
315
00:16:40,520 --> 00:16:43,000
What does "I smell bricks" mean?
316
00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:44,920
Oh, maybe it's Polish.
317
00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:48,080
Someone look up "I smell bricks"
in an English-to-Polish dictionary.
318
00:16:48,080 --> 00:16:50,240
It's English!
319
00:16:50,240 --> 00:16:52,440
How can it be Polish?
English can't be Polish!
320
00:16:52,440 --> 00:16:53,960
I like it, I like it.
321
00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:55,920
Now you're thinking
with your brains.
322
00:16:55,920 --> 00:16:58,400
I want to do the thing where
you touch fingers again.
323
00:16:58,400 --> 00:16:59,840
That's a good idea.
324
00:16:59,840 --> 00:17:02,080
We'll contact Katya one last time.
325
00:17:02,080 --> 00:17:05,160
See if she can shed some
light on this confusion,
326
00:17:05,160 --> 00:17:07,000
about why she smelt bricks.
327
00:17:08,920 --> 00:17:12,160
Ooh, don't they sometimes
do seances with the lights off?
328
00:17:12,160 --> 00:17:14,800
That's it, that's where
we've been going wrong.
329
00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:17,440
Brilliant. Eggy, do the lights.
330
00:17:17,440 --> 00:17:19,800
I permit you to leave the circle.
331
00:17:22,800 --> 00:17:24,240
Ooh.
332
00:17:24,240 --> 00:17:26,320
Ooooh.
333
00:17:26,320 --> 00:17:28,680
Oooooh.
334
00:17:28,680 --> 00:17:32,120
Ooh, Katya, give us
a sign that you are here.
335
00:17:32,120 --> 00:17:33,680
GLASS TINKLES
AND CHAIR SQUEAKS
336
00:17:33,680 --> 00:17:35,320
Give us a sign.
337
00:17:35,320 --> 00:17:37,720
Ooh, oooh!
It's happening!
338
00:17:37,720 --> 00:17:39,000
It's happening!
339
00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:41,160
GLASS TINKLES AND
CHAIR SQUEAKS
340
00:17:41,160 --> 00:17:42,880
Put the lights on, Eggy - quick!
341
00:17:43,920 --> 00:17:45,720
What happened? What happened?
342
00:17:45,720 --> 00:17:47,440
Did anyone come th...?
343
00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:50,240
Look at those two.
344
00:17:52,560 --> 00:17:55,320
Oh, my God, what just happened?
345
00:17:55,320 --> 00:17:58,000
Oh, my God, what a...
Um, oh, that's so weird.
346
00:17:58,000 --> 00:18:01,240
A mystery. And something
brushed me and... Me too.
347
00:18:01,240 --> 00:18:03,800
Ah... That's uncanny.
I know, it's uncanny.
348
00:18:12,840 --> 00:18:16,000
Arthur, that's not the way you do it.
Ssh, ssh, everybody.
349
00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:18,840
I'm on the verge of a breakthrough.
350
00:18:18,840 --> 00:18:20,360
Woooh!
351
00:18:22,200 --> 00:18:23,600
Woooh!
352
00:18:27,080 --> 00:18:30,160
Arthur, you're not a good medium.
353
00:18:30,160 --> 00:18:34,400
You're not bad, but you're not
great. You're "medium"!
354
00:18:34,400 --> 00:18:36,080
Ah-choo!
355
00:18:38,480 --> 00:18:40,840
Katya, what is it you want?
356
00:18:40,840 --> 00:18:42,680
What is it you want?
357
00:18:42,680 --> 00:18:46,040
Is it me to do a song?
358
00:18:46,040 --> 00:18:47,800
Knock once for yes...
359
00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:50,160
MULTIPLE KNOCKS
360
00:18:50,160 --> 00:18:52,360
What does that mean?
361
00:18:52,360 --> 00:18:54,960
Oh, she wants me to do a medley!
362
00:18:54,960 --> 00:18:57,040
Oh, no, it'll be the pizza.
363
00:18:57,040 --> 00:18:59,240
Wahey! Pizza!
364
00:18:59,240 --> 00:19:02,040
SLURRED: Aw, you know,
your sister's brilliant, Bulent.
365
00:19:02,040 --> 00:19:05,880
This situation was calling
out for pizza and only she had...
366
00:19:05,880 --> 00:19:09,200
Had the... What's the word, Arthur?
367
00:19:09,200 --> 00:19:10,960
The gumption. The gumption.
368
00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:13,360
She had the gumption to order it.
369
00:19:13,360 --> 00:19:15,320
Why aren't you drunk, Bulent?
370
00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:17,480
Because I am not
a nine-year-old girl.
371
00:19:17,480 --> 00:19:18,720
Oooh!
372
00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:23,800
Pizza!
373
00:19:23,800 --> 00:19:25,160
ALL: Wahey!
374
00:19:27,520 --> 00:19:28,800
Oh.
375
00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:32,080
Oh, I feel bad though.
Oh, don't feel bad.
376
00:19:32,080 --> 00:19:35,200
I hate it when you feel bad,
you should never feel bad.
377
00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:36,640
Why do you feel bad?
378
00:19:36,640 --> 00:19:39,400
Well, here we all
are eating pizza...
379
00:19:40,640 --> 00:19:42,600
..and Katya couldn't eat pizza.
380
00:19:42,600 --> 00:19:46,600
That's right, she could
never handle the solids.
381
00:19:46,600 --> 00:19:48,000
I'm going to do this.
382
00:19:50,600 --> 00:19:55,680
What? I'm going to "liquidirise"
the pizza for Katya.
383
00:19:55,680 --> 00:19:58,840
Not "liquidirise" -
"liquid-di-iase".
384
00:19:58,840 --> 00:20:03,200
I'm away to "liquid-di-iase"
pizza for Katya.
385
00:20:03,200 --> 00:20:05,920
That is an absolutely brilliant idea.
Take the crust off it.
386
00:20:05,920 --> 00:20:07,600
Do the toppings.
387
00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:10,240
Excuse me, excuse me, I think
388
00:20:10,240 --> 00:20:13,440
I would know how
to "liquid-i-brows" a pizza.
389
00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:17,960
There we are.
390
00:20:17,960 --> 00:20:19,080
LIQUIDISER WHIRRS
391
00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:24,880
That's it.
There you go, Katya.
392
00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:26,800
Come have some pizza.
393
00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:29,120
To Katya! ALL: To Katya.
394
00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:32,680
AUDIENCE: Eurgh!
395
00:20:32,680 --> 00:20:34,880
Ooh, it's not a
bad drop of pizza, that.
396
00:20:37,800 --> 00:20:39,840
Katya...
397
00:20:39,840 --> 00:20:43,000
and her soups. Tomato soup!
398
00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:45,560
I didn't even know
you served tomato soup.
399
00:20:45,560 --> 00:20:47,440
We don't, it was her own.
400
00:20:47,440 --> 00:20:49,080
We used to heat it up for her.
401
00:20:49,080 --> 00:20:51,840
That's very generous of you.
402
00:20:51,840 --> 00:20:54,160
I liked Katya,
she was a strong woman.
403
00:20:54,160 --> 00:20:56,960
She was the only one
who liked my little shows.
404
00:20:56,960 --> 00:20:59,280
As I said, "She was a strong woman".
405
00:20:59,280 --> 00:21:01,000
Here, you know,
406
00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:04,680
she always fell asleep on the way
home from the cafe on the bus.
407
00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:07,400
I used to have to go and collect
her. Do you remember, Eggy?
408
00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:09,600
Different stop every time.
409
00:21:09,600 --> 00:21:12,640
Once, she told me, she didn't
really fall asleep at all -
410
00:21:12,640 --> 00:21:14,960
she just wanted to spend some
extra time with me...
411
00:21:14,960 --> 00:21:17,080
ALL: Aww.
..listening to me going on.
412
00:21:19,080 --> 00:21:20,480
She was my biggest fan.
413
00:21:21,640 --> 00:21:23,080
And now she's gone.
414
00:21:23,080 --> 00:21:26,760
Oh, there'll be more fans, Arthur,
you're just getting started.
415
00:21:26,760 --> 00:21:29,680
Thank you, Michael, I think
we both know the truth.
416
00:21:29,680 --> 00:21:32,320
Your dad, he was the real thing.
417
00:21:32,320 --> 00:21:34,640
He entertained millions, he did.
418
00:21:34,640 --> 00:21:36,840
I'm just a footnote, if that.
419
00:21:36,840 --> 00:21:38,320
Oh, Arthur, that's not true.
420
00:21:38,320 --> 00:21:40,800
You'll see, that's...
That's not true.
421
00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:43,760
That's a really nice
thing about you, Michael -
422
00:21:43,760 --> 00:21:46,160
you can't tell a lie
to save your life.
423
00:21:46,160 --> 00:21:47,480
Arthur, I'm not...
424
00:21:48,800 --> 00:21:51,520
What is that? What?
425
00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:52,840
That!
426
00:21:56,400 --> 00:21:58,520
That's Katya's leg.
427
00:21:58,520 --> 00:22:00,080
What?
428
00:22:00,080 --> 00:22:02,400
They couldn't cremate it.
429
00:22:02,400 --> 00:22:06,000
Something about it not being green.
430
00:22:06,000 --> 00:22:07,960
But it is green.
431
00:22:07,960 --> 00:22:10,520
Well, it's a bit green.
432
00:22:10,520 --> 00:22:15,000
Arthur, you can't hang onto
something like that. Arthur...
433
00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:16,600
What's up with you all?
434
00:22:16,600 --> 00:22:18,440
Well, it's just that...
435
00:22:18,440 --> 00:22:20,080
she was attached to that leg.
436
00:22:25,160 --> 00:22:27,120
Oh, I'm sorry,
I thought that was a joke.
437
00:22:28,760 --> 00:22:31,640
That's why she can't go, Arthur.
438
00:22:31,640 --> 00:22:34,160
Because you're not letting her go.
439
00:22:34,160 --> 00:22:37,720
- He's right.
Arthur, you have to let her go.
440
00:22:37,720 --> 00:22:39,640
You can't hold on to her like that.
441
00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:43,520
But I never said
goodbye to her, Michael.
442
00:22:44,600 --> 00:22:46,400
None of us did.
443
00:22:46,400 --> 00:22:48,840
Not properly.
444
00:22:48,840 --> 00:22:51,840
Well... Well, let's
do something about that.
445
00:23:05,520 --> 00:23:08,320
"Woolworths"? Yes, Woolworths.
446
00:23:08,320 --> 00:23:10,520
Stop going on about it.
447
00:23:12,680 --> 00:23:15,720
ARTHUR CLEARS HIS THROAT
448
00:23:19,040 --> 00:23:21,200
I think it's left to me...
449
00:23:21,200 --> 00:23:23,280
to say a few words.
450
00:23:26,440 --> 00:23:28,080
HE GROANS
451
00:23:30,200 --> 00:23:31,520
HE SIGHS
452
00:23:33,120 --> 00:23:34,640
Oh, dear.
453
00:23:35,640 --> 00:23:38,440
Arthur, do you mind
if I say something? No, nope.
454
00:23:39,800 --> 00:23:41,560
Eh...
455
00:23:41,560 --> 00:23:45,000
Well, obviously, I didn't know
Katya as well as you all did.
456
00:23:45,000 --> 00:23:47,360
In fact, I don't know
YOU as well as Katya did.
457
00:23:47,360 --> 00:23:49,920
So, I feel a bit of an intruder.
458
00:23:49,920 --> 00:23:52,080
ALL: No, no, no. Thank you.
459
00:23:53,320 --> 00:23:56,800
One thing I have found,
in the short time of being here...
460
00:23:56,800 --> 00:23:58,720
getting to know you all.
461
00:23:58,720 --> 00:23:59,960
Well...
462
00:24:01,440 --> 00:24:02,680
All I can say is...
463
00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:07,480
..I know why Katya
found it hard to leave.
464
00:24:09,440 --> 00:24:11,960
Safe travels, Katya.
465
00:24:11,960 --> 00:24:13,880
ALL: Safe travels, Katya.
466
00:24:20,040 --> 00:24:21,800
Ooh, sorry, Arthur.
467
00:24:21,800 --> 00:24:23,800
That's all right,
they're from the cafe.
468
00:24:29,280 --> 00:24:32,840
Bye, Arthur.
Bye, everyone, see you tomorrow.
469
00:24:32,840 --> 00:24:35,360
Not me, John, I'm off home.
470
00:24:35,360 --> 00:24:36,880
Oh, yeah?
471
00:24:36,880 --> 00:24:40,080
Well, it's nice knowing you, mate.
472
00:24:40,080 --> 00:24:41,640
Bye then, Michael.
473
00:24:41,640 --> 00:24:43,200
I'll show you to the door.
474
00:24:44,720 --> 00:24:46,880
Sinem, shall we go?
475
00:25:08,760 --> 00:25:10,640
SHE BLOWS A RASPBERRY
476
00:25:26,000 --> 00:25:27,400
Well...
477
00:25:27,400 --> 00:25:28,760
Well...
478
00:25:45,720 --> 00:25:47,240
Good luck, Arthur.
479
00:25:47,240 --> 00:25:48,560
Good luck to you.
480
00:25:49,880 --> 00:25:52,080
I look forward to the book.
481
00:25:52,080 --> 00:25:54,280
He was a funny man, your dad.
482
00:25:54,280 --> 00:25:57,080
The world could use
a book about him.
483
00:25:57,080 --> 00:25:59,440
Yeah. Yeah.
484
00:26:06,320 --> 00:26:08,040
Thanks for everything, Arthur.
485
00:26:27,080 --> 00:26:29,320
HE SIGHS
486
00:26:37,440 --> 00:26:38,800
Goodbye, Katya.
487
00:26:59,160 --> 00:27:00,320
Oh, excuse me...
488
00:27:02,080 --> 00:27:03,240
Nothing.
489
00:27:11,200 --> 00:27:12,920
Good evening, Bolent.
490
00:27:12,920 --> 00:27:15,760
One of your all-day breakfasts,
please.
491
00:27:15,760 --> 00:27:19,920
I don't know why but number one
seems to be beckoning me tonight.
492
00:27:19,920 --> 00:27:23,640
Number one, please, with fried bread
and baked beans. That's...
493
00:27:23,640 --> 00:27:24,960
Oh, forget it.
494
00:27:26,840 --> 00:27:28,240
All right, princess?
495
00:27:38,360 --> 00:27:40,160
Here you go.
496
00:27:40,160 --> 00:27:41,600
What's that?
497
00:27:41,600 --> 00:27:43,080
Michael left it.
498
00:28:02,800 --> 00:28:04,840
AUDIENCE: Aww.
499
00:28:04,840 --> 00:28:06,760
Eh!
500
00:28:06,760 --> 00:28:08,840
He's only...
501
00:28:08,840 --> 00:28:10,720
He's only gone and...
502
00:28:20,760 --> 00:28:23,520
JOHN: Who do you fancy at
Kempton on Saturday, Arthur?
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Arthur?
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Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
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Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
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