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1
00:00:17,120 --> 00:00:19,280
HE HUMS TO HIMSELF
2 00:00:19,280 --> 00:00:20,800
2
00:00:23,480 --> 00:00:24,840
What? No.
3
00:00:24,840 --> 00:00:26,920
Well, tuck your shirt in then.
4
00:00:26,920 --> 00:00:30,040
If my mother had caught me in the
street with my shirt hanging out,
5
00:00:30,040 --> 00:00:31,960
there'd have been hell to pay.
6
00:00:31,960 --> 00:00:34,480
There would have been no
Sunday school for me, never mind
7
00:00:34,480 --> 00:00:37,840
waddling down the road with
your trousers round your ankles.
8
00:00:37,840 --> 00:00:39,240
Have a think about that.
9
00:00:45,040 --> 00:00:47,200
POP MUSIC PLAYS
10
00:00:48,640 --> 00:00:51,480
SHE HUMS TO HERSELF
11
00:00:51,480 --> 00:00:53,680
Sorry. Love this song.
12
00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:56,120
Oh, yes. Yes, it's got a...
13
00:00:56,120 --> 00:00:58,480
It's got a lovely rhythm.
14
00:00:59,520 --> 00:01:02,720
Is it a new song?
You don't know it? No, I don't.
15
00:01:02,720 --> 00:01:06,960
I'm not...
I don't really like music. What?
16
00:01:08,080 --> 00:01:11,080
I find it more irritating
than anything. All music?
17
00:01:11,080 --> 00:01:13,280
Er...yeah.
18
00:01:13,280 --> 00:01:14,600
Only me
19
00:01:14,600 --> 00:01:16,240
Coming through the door
20
00:01:16,240 --> 00:01:17,960
Singing this song
21
00:01:17,960 --> 00:01:20,200
And I'll have a number three.
22
00:01:21,200 --> 00:01:26,160
Thank you! I couldn't live without
music. You can't not like all music.
23
00:01:26,160 --> 00:01:30,040
That's like you're an alien
or a...cat.
24
00:01:30,040 --> 00:01:32,080
No, I'm not a cat. No.
25
00:01:32,080 --> 00:01:34,640
I don't like string.
You don't like string?
26
00:01:34,640 --> 00:01:36,160
No, I...I do like string.
27
00:01:37,840 --> 00:01:40,320
Katya, are you back
on the solids then?
28
00:01:40,320 --> 00:01:42,760
This is a soup bar, Arthur.
29
00:01:42,760 --> 00:01:44,480
It's made from soup.
30
00:01:44,480 --> 00:01:45,920
You want to be careful, though.
31
00:01:45,920 --> 00:01:48,320
That might be one of those GM foods.
32
00:01:48,320 --> 00:01:52,080
You don't want to touch anything
out of Greater Manchester.
33
00:01:55,840 --> 00:01:59,640
Hey, Sinem. Have you written
"fizzy slush" on the board? No.
34
00:01:59,640 --> 00:02:01,760
We have to let the people know
we have the machine.
35
00:02:01,760 --> 00:02:04,640
The kids love fizzy slush.
No, they don't. It's disgusting.
36
00:02:04,640 --> 00:02:06,200
I don't even like saying the words.
37
00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:10,840
You know, I don't even like thinking
about it. Fizzy slush? Ugh.
38
00:02:10,840 --> 00:02:13,360
Where's the chalk?
Stay away from my sister.
39
00:02:13,360 --> 00:02:16,360
What? I said, "Where's the chalk?"
In the drawer.
40
00:02:23,120 --> 00:02:27,440
Tea and two toasts, please, Bulent.
All right, John? How's tricks then?
41
00:02:27,440 --> 00:02:31,880
Morning, Arthur. Morning...
Sorry, what's your name again, mate?
42
00:02:31,880 --> 00:02:36,720
My name's Michael.
What are you asking him for?
43
00:02:36,720 --> 00:02:39,160
Sorry? You said...
44
00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:42,000
WITH RISING INFLECTION:
"My name's Michael."
45
00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:44,640
You're not sure of your name?
No, I am.
46
00:02:44,640 --> 00:02:47,080
Well, don't say it like a question.
All right, sorry.
47
00:02:47,080 --> 00:02:49,760
WITH RISING INFLECTION:
My name's Michael.
48
00:02:49,760 --> 00:02:53,200
That was worse, if anything. You
made me think about it too much now.
49
00:02:53,200 --> 00:02:55,480
My name's M...
50
00:02:55,480 --> 00:02:57,800
Mi...
51
00:02:57,800 --> 00:02:59,920
Michael. I've done it again.
52
00:02:59,920 --> 00:03:03,760
Here, Arthur, here's that book I was
telling you about. Oh, thanks, Eggy.
53
00:03:03,760 --> 00:03:07,120
Looks like a good one.
The Faux-lympics? What's that?
54
00:03:07,120 --> 00:03:10,760
It's about how they faked
the Olympics.
55
00:03:10,760 --> 00:03:12,320
What? Yeah.
56
00:03:12,320 --> 00:03:16,120
To keep our minds off the recession.
What do you mean faked?
57
00:03:16,120 --> 00:03:17,680
They didn't happen.
58
00:03:17,680 --> 00:03:20,080
The whole Olympics? Yeah.
59
00:03:20,080 --> 00:03:22,120
The ones that were in London? Yeah.
60
00:03:22,120 --> 00:03:23,800
Then what was that on the telly?
61
00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:27,920
Actors. Actors? They were
all actors? All the athletes?
62
00:03:27,920 --> 00:03:29,560
But there were thousands of them.
63
00:03:29,560 --> 00:03:32,120
That's why they're
only every four years.
64
00:03:32,120 --> 00:03:33,760
The casting takes ages.
65
00:03:33,760 --> 00:03:37,280
It's all in the book. Well, I
look forward to reading that, Eggy.
66
00:03:37,280 --> 00:03:40,400
I thought there was something funny
going on when I was watching it.
67
00:03:40,400 --> 00:03:42,400
Something funny going on?
68
00:03:42,400 --> 00:03:45,120
Yeah. The 400 metres, for instance.
69
00:03:45,120 --> 00:03:48,000
The man that won that
was in an episode of Casualty.
70
00:03:49,600 --> 00:03:52,640
Yeah, they slipped up there,
didn't they?
71
00:03:52,640 --> 00:03:55,480
Did anyone notice anything
strange on the way here?
72
00:03:55,480 --> 00:03:56,920
Yeah, I did, John.
73
00:03:56,920 --> 00:04:00,280
They've got a two-for-one offer
on lamb chops at the butcher's.
74
00:04:00,280 --> 00:04:04,000
Very strange. No, it's not that,
Arthur. It's just...
75
00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:08,160
it feels like something's about
to happen. You bet it will.
76
00:04:08,160 --> 00:04:11,040
Two-for-one on chops?
It'll all kick off now.
77
00:04:12,080 --> 00:04:14,240
We need to get different
colours for the chalk
78
00:04:14,240 --> 00:04:15,760
so "fizzy slush" jumps out.
79
00:04:15,760 --> 00:04:17,840
Yeah, like a mugger.
80
00:04:17,840 --> 00:04:22,400
There is a lot of faces on
the manor I don't recognise. Kids.
81
00:04:22,400 --> 00:04:25,760
What are they all doing here? Maybe
there's something wrong with them.
82
00:04:25,760 --> 00:04:29,640
What? Maybe they've had flies
on them.
83
00:04:29,640 --> 00:04:31,000
Who?
84
00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:32,560
His chops.
85
00:04:32,560 --> 00:04:35,280
Maybe it's a consignment
of condemned meat
86
00:04:35,280 --> 00:04:38,040
from Greater Manchester.
87
00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:40,120
I'm talking about the kids, Arthur.
88
00:04:40,120 --> 00:04:42,000
What, the butcher's kids?
89
00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:44,600
Do you think they've done
something to the meat?
90
00:04:44,600 --> 00:04:47,080
Maybe they've been seen
coughing on it.
91
00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:50,880
SHOUTING AND GLASS SMASHING
92
00:04:53,120 --> 00:04:55,120
SHOUTING GETS LOUDER
93
00:04:55,120 --> 00:04:58,640
Everyone, get into the back room!
What's the matter?
94
00:04:58,640 --> 00:05:00,920
I'm not going in the back room,
I'm having my tea.
95
00:05:00,920 --> 00:05:03,800
There's a mob. They're smashing
things up. I'm not shifting.
96
00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:06,680
Which one's the back room?!
97
00:05:06,680 --> 00:05:08,320
Come on!
98
00:05:08,320 --> 00:05:10,400
GLASS SMASHING
99
00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:14,360
Sit down in that chair, love.
Shut the door, shut the door.
100
00:05:15,520 --> 00:05:17,800
GLASS SMASHING AND BANGING ON DOOR
101
00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:20,840
Who is it?
102
00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:25,240
BANGING ON DOOR
103
00:05:27,280 --> 00:05:28,640
No, thank you.
104
00:05:31,360 --> 00:05:35,840
They won't get through. Dad put that
door in. I knew it. I knew it.
105
00:05:35,840 --> 00:05:40,640
The fool! The silly fool!
Did he not know what would happen?
106
00:05:40,640 --> 00:05:43,520
Two chops for the price of one!
107
00:05:43,520 --> 00:05:45,600
That's just asking for trouble.
108
00:05:45,600 --> 00:05:48,040
I don't think it's anything to do
with the chops, Arthur.
109
00:05:48,040 --> 00:05:52,440
Cheap meat does things to people,
Michael. I know.
110
00:05:52,440 --> 00:05:56,240
Are we sure this
is really happening? What?
111
00:05:56,240 --> 00:05:58,920
How do we know that there
really is a riot?
112
00:05:58,920 --> 00:06:00,320
Because of the riot.
113
00:06:01,320 --> 00:06:02,760
BULENT: Move away from the door.
114
00:06:02,760 --> 00:06:06,160
What you think you're doing?
Never mind. Just open the door.
115
00:06:06,160 --> 00:06:07,560
They're Venetian blinds.
116
00:06:07,560 --> 00:06:09,800
Some of them are quite sharp.
Quick, out of the way.
117
00:06:09,800 --> 00:06:13,040
You can't go out there, you idiot.
I'll be fine. No. Please, stop him.
118
00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:16,960
No, don't do this. Don't do this.
I'll tell Mum. I will tell Mum.
119
00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:19,760
Bulent, I think Sinem's right.
Mind your business. OK. Oh, my God.
120
00:06:19,760 --> 00:06:22,720
He'll do it. He'll do it.
We have to stop him. Please.
121
00:06:22,720 --> 00:06:25,240
Raaargh!
122
00:06:25,240 --> 00:06:27,800
Get off me! I'm doing this
because I like you, Bulent.
123
00:06:27,800 --> 00:06:30,240
Let go of me. I like you, Bulent.
124
00:06:30,240 --> 00:06:33,200
I'm doing this because I like you.
125
00:06:33,200 --> 00:06:36,080
You can't hold me for ever.
What do I do?
126
00:06:36,080 --> 00:06:37,600
We could use some of that.
127
00:06:40,880 --> 00:06:44,520
BULENT: Hey, everyone, I'm OK now.
I'm very, very calm.
128
00:06:45,680 --> 00:06:49,400
Everything will be fine now.
Sorry about earlier.
129
00:06:50,400 --> 00:06:51,560
You can let me go now.
130
00:06:56,560 --> 00:07:01,160
See? I am so calm.
131
00:07:01,160 --> 00:07:04,000
You're not angry?
No. Do I look angry?
132
00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:06,880
Hm, you look a bit odd.
133
00:07:06,880 --> 00:07:08,600
That's because he's smiling.
134
00:07:11,200 --> 00:07:13,600
Why are you smiling?
135
00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:16,760
I'm smiling because I'm calm.
136
00:07:16,760 --> 00:07:22,120
Please, my good friends, let me go.
I will not do anything.
137
00:07:22,120 --> 00:07:24,720
I think we'll just leave
things as they are for a bit.
138
00:07:24,720 --> 00:07:27,280
Until he stops smiling.
139
00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:30,240
OK, I'm not smiling.
Get me out of this!
140
00:07:30,240 --> 00:07:31,880
Get me out of this!
141
00:07:31,880 --> 00:07:33,720
That's worse than the smiling.
142
00:07:33,720 --> 00:07:35,600
Can we turn him to the wall?
143
00:07:37,120 --> 00:07:38,600
SMASHING AND CLATTERING
144
00:07:38,600 --> 00:07:41,120
Oh, you hear?
You hear what they are doing?
145
00:07:41,120 --> 00:07:43,520
Yeah, and it could be you
they're doing it to, you idiot.
146
00:07:43,520 --> 00:07:47,440
Yes, you want to calm down or
you'll be hyperventilating yourself.
147
00:07:47,440 --> 00:07:50,560
We'll have to put a paper bag over
your head. No, no, no. Don't, don't.
148
00:07:50,560 --> 00:07:55,440
Should I? No. Sorry, Bulent,
we'll just have to sit it out.
149
00:07:55,440 --> 00:07:56,720
Well, it might be a while.
150
00:07:56,720 --> 00:08:00,080
It's kicking off everywhere,
according to Twitter. What?
151
00:08:01,360 --> 00:08:03,560
What are you on about?
He's long gone.
152
00:08:05,040 --> 00:08:06,720
Who?
153
00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:08,200
Hitler.
154
00:08:09,520 --> 00:08:13,560
Not Hitler. Twitter. Twitter.
According to Twitter.
155
00:08:14,960 --> 00:08:19,480
I have absolutely no idea
what you are on about.
156
00:08:19,480 --> 00:08:22,600
The police are saying if you're
in a safe place to stay there.
157
00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:25,600
Well, I guess that's all there is
to it. Are you all right, Katya?
158
00:08:31,320 --> 00:08:34,560
Why are they doing this?
It's the butcher's kids.
159
00:08:36,040 --> 00:08:39,000
They've been coughing on chops
so he's doing them two-for-one
160
00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:40,600
and all this has kicked off.
161
00:08:42,440 --> 00:08:45,200
Thanks for that. Oh. No problem.
162
00:08:46,440 --> 00:08:50,200
I hope it didn't seem like I was,
you know...
163
00:08:50,200 --> 00:08:51,280
What?
164
00:08:51,280 --> 00:08:52,800
A... You know, a...
165
00:08:54,080 --> 00:08:55,920
..a Westerner suppressing him.
166
00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:04,280
Listen, I'm a bit
worried about Arthur.
167
00:09:04,280 --> 00:09:06,840
Arthur likes having an audience.
168
00:09:06,840 --> 00:09:10,960
Right? Well, now he's got one.
169
00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:15,120
All of us. And we can't leave.
170
00:09:15,120 --> 00:09:17,840
Have you ever seen Arthur perform?
171
00:09:17,840 --> 00:09:18,880
Yes.
172
00:09:20,600 --> 00:09:25,760
Once he rented the library
and did a little show, you know.
173
00:09:25,760 --> 00:09:29,200
Everyone went.
Well, everyone except Bulent.
174
00:09:29,200 --> 00:09:30,920
Trying to be polite, you know.
175
00:09:30,920 --> 00:09:34,040
Katya fell asleep so she
missed the worst of it
176
00:09:34,040 --> 00:09:36,280
but we saw all of it.
177
00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:41,360
Listen, you two, it's about Arthur.
178
00:09:41,360 --> 00:09:42,560
Yeah, I've told him.
179
00:09:42,560 --> 00:09:44,840
Did you tell him
about the little show?
180
00:09:46,080 --> 00:09:48,600
However bad she says it was,
181
00:09:48,600 --> 00:09:50,880
it was 100 times worse.
182
00:09:50,880 --> 00:09:53,280
We've got to keep his mind
on other things, Michael.
183
00:09:53,280 --> 00:09:55,320
We mustn't let him do a little show.
184
00:09:56,360 --> 00:09:59,000
For God's sake,
don't let him do a little show.
185
00:10:02,680 --> 00:10:05,800
It's good stuff, this, isn't it?
186
00:10:05,800 --> 00:10:07,640
It's very effective.
187
00:10:07,640 --> 00:10:10,400
How much do you pay
for a roll of that then?
188
00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:11,760
?2.50, wholesale.
189
00:10:11,760 --> 00:10:14,520
That's quite reasonable, isn't it?
Yes, it's not bad, actually.
190
00:10:14,520 --> 00:10:19,120
My cousin in the market...
Look, just put it back on the shelf!
191
00:10:19,120 --> 00:10:22,440
I thought you'd have more food than
this in here. Mind your business.
192
00:10:22,440 --> 00:10:25,200
Leave my shelves alone.
I'm only thinking ahead, Bulent.
193
00:10:25,200 --> 00:10:27,200
I don't know how long
we'll be here, do I?
194
00:10:27,200 --> 00:10:29,400
Anything you eat, you pay for.
Double.
195
00:10:29,400 --> 00:10:31,320
Yes, but surely
in the circumstances,
196
00:10:31,320 --> 00:10:33,360
you'll allow us some
dinner on the house?
197
00:10:33,360 --> 00:10:35,280
I mean,
when I left home this morning
198
00:10:35,280 --> 00:10:38,400
I didn't know I'd be involved
in a siege situation, did I?
199
00:10:38,400 --> 00:10:39,800
CRASHING
200
00:10:40,880 --> 00:10:43,720
I don't think we'll
be in here too long. SIREN WAILS IN DISTANCE
201
00:10:43,720 --> 00:10:47,080
These things tend to flare up and
blow over pretty quickly, don't they?
202
00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:49,000
Well, you're saying that, you know,
203
00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:51,160
but look at
the wooden horse of Troy -
204
00:10:51,160 --> 00:10:53,640
that went on for months.
205
00:10:53,640 --> 00:10:54,920
It was ten years, actually.
206
00:10:54,920 --> 00:10:58,040
They spent ten years
waiting in a horse?
207
00:10:58,040 --> 00:11:02,320
No, no, the siege of Troy lasted ten
years. Or that's how the story goes.
208
00:11:02,320 --> 00:11:05,520
There wasn't actually a big wooden
horse that people hid inside.
209
00:11:05,520 --> 00:11:07,040
That's a myth.
210
00:11:07,040 --> 00:11:08,600
I'm not so sure.
211
00:11:10,400 --> 00:11:15,280
You believe in a big wooden horse
full of people but not the Olympics?
212
00:11:15,280 --> 00:11:18,560
Ten years? I'm not
stopping in here for ten years.
213
00:11:18,560 --> 00:11:22,680
What will we do with ourselves? How
will we keep ourselves entertained?
214
00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:26,960
What if...? Arthur,
215
00:11:26,960 --> 00:11:30,280
who do you fancy in
the 4:15 at Chepstow? Lucky Madam.
216
00:11:30,280 --> 00:11:32,000
She's running good, is Lucky Madam.
217
00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:34,360
Let's keep talking about racing.
218
00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:38,000
Here. Here's the paper. Have a look
and see who's running tomorrow.
219
00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:41,600
All right. Oh, it's a good
line-up tomorrow, actually.
220
00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:42,920
Laugh A Minute,
221
00:11:42,920 --> 00:11:44,200
Great Showman,
222
00:11:44,200 --> 00:11:46,000
Dancing Dandy,
223
00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:47,640
Stunning Performance,
224
00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:49,320
Under The Spotlight.
225
00:11:49,320 --> 00:11:51,680
What about the crossword?
The crossword.
226
00:11:51,680 --> 00:11:54,200
Let's do the crossword.
That'll help pass the time.
227
00:11:54,200 --> 00:11:57,440
I suppose we could do the crossword.
I've not seen today's.
228
00:11:57,440 --> 00:11:59,040
Let's have a look.
229
00:11:59,040 --> 00:12:02,240
Oh, you've made
a start on this. Six down.
230
00:12:03,520 --> 00:12:08,920
Major sporting event
of 2012 beginning with O.
231
00:12:08,920 --> 00:12:12,080
Well, we know it's not
the Olympics, don't we, Eggy?
232
00:12:12,080 --> 00:12:14,080
So we can rule that out.
233
00:12:14,080 --> 00:12:17,120
Arthur, why don't you
put on a little show?
234
00:12:19,600 --> 00:12:23,840
To keep our spirits up like
that one you did in the library.
235
00:12:23,840 --> 00:12:27,520
What an absolutely marvellous idea!
236
00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:29,080
What about the crossword, Arthur?
237
00:12:29,080 --> 00:12:32,560
Bugger the crossword!
This is much more important.
238
00:12:32,560 --> 00:12:35,360
Singing on the Underground.
We'll Meet Again.
239
00:12:35,360 --> 00:12:38,240
A bit of the old Blitz spirit.
That's what's needed here.
240
00:12:38,240 --> 00:12:39,600
Isn't that right, Katya?
241
00:12:39,600 --> 00:12:40,920
SHE SNORES LOUDLY
242
00:12:40,920 --> 00:12:42,200
Right, settle down.
243
00:12:43,640 --> 00:12:45,720
Oh, this is going to be great.
244
00:12:45,720 --> 00:12:47,160
I don't want to watch a show.
245
00:12:47,160 --> 00:12:50,760
HE LAUGHS
Oh, very funny, Bulent.
246
00:12:50,760 --> 00:12:54,800
Oh, this riot has turned out to be
a blessing in disguise, hasn't it?
247
00:12:54,800 --> 00:12:57,720
Excuse me. Be a man, John.
248
00:12:57,720 --> 00:12:59,640
For God's sake, be a man.
249
00:13:03,440 --> 00:13:05,400
Jesus Christ.
250
00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:06,680
Superstar.
251
00:13:08,440 --> 00:13:09,920
The Sound Of Music.
252
00:13:10,920 --> 00:13:13,160
The Phantom Of The Opera.
253
00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:14,960
Cats, Oliver, Chess.
254
00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:16,120
The King And Me.
255
00:13:17,280 --> 00:13:19,120
The Wizard Of Iz.
256
00:13:19,120 --> 00:13:23,280
And, of course, who could forget
the world's longest-running musical
257
00:13:23,280 --> 00:13:26,040
about a French revolution?
258
00:13:26,040 --> 00:13:29,320
Les Miserablies...
259
00:13:29,320 --> 00:13:33,400
Ma...mis...mis...lisarablie...
abilies.
260
00:13:33,400 --> 00:13:38,120
Mislies...a...ugh...abulous.
261
00:13:38,120 --> 00:13:40,240
Mrs Arbless? Blism...
262
00:13:40,240 --> 00:13:45,080
Mislis...ugh...ugh...
oh...ugh...ARGH...ABLES!
263
00:13:48,760 --> 00:13:54,240
Ever since the first caveman howled
at the moon and blew on a flute
264
00:13:54,240 --> 00:13:57,840
made out of someone's jawbone,
265
00:13:57,840 --> 00:14:01,160
man has always had the urge to sing,
266
00:14:01,160 --> 00:14:04,920
and sing he has,
right up to the present day.
267
00:14:04,920 --> 00:14:06,040
SIREN WAILS IN DISTANCE
268
00:14:06,040 --> 00:14:09,800
I'd like to do for you now
some of my favourite tunes.
269
00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:11,280
THEY GROAN
270
00:14:11,280 --> 00:14:14,320
This short selection of 14 songs...
271
00:14:14,320 --> 00:14:16,120
THEY GROAN
272
00:14:16,120 --> 00:14:21,200
..is my gift to you, ending
in a medley of the greatest songs
273
00:14:21,200 --> 00:14:24,200
of Sir Andrew Lord...Lloyd Webber.
274
00:14:24,200 --> 00:14:27,880
Hey, do you remember? I was just
about to do that bit in the library
275
00:14:27,880 --> 00:14:29,320
when the fire alarm went.
276
00:14:32,200 --> 00:14:34,080
Sorry, what is this?
277
00:14:34,080 --> 00:14:38,800
He's going to do a little show
to keep our spirits up. Who is he?
278
00:14:38,800 --> 00:14:42,360
He's Count Arthur Strong. He and
my dad used to do a double act.
279
00:14:42,360 --> 00:14:43,400
His dad was Max Baker.
280
00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:45,360
WITH RISING INFLECTION:
I'm Michael Baker.
281
00:14:45,360 --> 00:14:47,360
I've done it again!
282
00:14:47,360 --> 00:14:51,960
I used to love Max Baker.
Wow. This could be great.
283
00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:01,440
Like a circle in a spiral
284
00:15:01,440 --> 00:15:03,280
Like a wheel within a wheel
285
00:15:03,280 --> 00:15:05,320
Never ending or beginning
286
00:15:05,320 --> 00:15:07,080
On an ever-spinning reel
287
00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:09,320
Like a snowball down a mountain
288
00:15:09,320 --> 00:15:11,440
Or a carnival balloon
289
00:15:11,440 --> 00:15:13,520
Like a carousel that's turning
290
00:15:13,520 --> 00:15:15,480
Running rings around the moon
291
00:15:15,480 --> 00:15:17,720
Like a clock
whose hands are sweeping
292
00:15:17,720 --> 00:15:19,760
Past the minutes of its face
293
00:15:19,760 --> 00:15:21,840
And the world is like an apple
294
00:15:21,840 --> 00:15:24,400
Whirling forward...
HE MUMBLES
295
00:15:24,400 --> 00:15:26,360
Like the circles that you find
296
00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:29,400
In the windmills of your mind
297
00:15:29,400 --> 00:15:31,200
Keys that jingle in your pocket
298
00:15:31,200 --> 00:15:33,400
Words that jangle in your head
299
00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:35,800
Why did summer go so quick?
300
00:15:35,800 --> 00:15:38,080
Was it something that I said?
301
00:15:38,080 --> 00:15:40,120
Lovers walk along the shore
302
00:15:40,120 --> 00:15:43,000
And leave their footprints
in the sand
303
00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:45,440
Is the sound of distant drumming
304
00:15:45,440 --> 00:15:47,440
The drumming of your hand?
305
00:15:47,440 --> 00:15:49,760
When she said that it was over
306
00:15:49,760 --> 00:15:51,840
You were suddenly aware
307
00:15:51,840 --> 00:15:54,520
That the autumn leaves
were turning
308
00:15:54,520 --> 00:15:58,680
To the colour of her hair!
309
00:15:59,800 --> 00:16:02,120
Like a circle in a spiral
310
00:16:02,120 --> 00:16:04,280
Like a wheel within a wheel
311
00:16:04,280 --> 00:16:06,720
Never ending nor beginning
312
00:16:06,720 --> 00:16:09,120
An ever-spinning reel
313
00:16:09,120 --> 00:16:11,800
As the images unwind
314
00:16:11,800 --> 00:16:14,680
Like the circles that you find
315
00:16:14,680 --> 00:16:20,160
In the windmills of your mind!
316
00:16:20,160 --> 00:16:23,040
HE SOBS
317
00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:30,320
I'm going to go.
318
00:16:30,320 --> 00:16:33,440
Take me with you, please. Please. I
don't think you should go out there.
319
00:16:33,440 --> 00:16:35,000
I can still hear them milling about.
320
00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:37,040
No, I think I'd like to risk it.
321
00:16:37,040 --> 00:16:38,920
Thank you! Thank you!
322
00:16:38,920 --> 00:16:41,400
And welcome to tonight's show.
323
00:16:41,400 --> 00:16:44,680
I'll be back in a minute. I've just
got to do a costume change.
324
00:16:44,680 --> 00:16:48,040
That's like his third song
and he thinks he's just started.
325
00:16:48,040 --> 00:16:52,160
No, I'm sorry, I'm going to
slip out. Lock the door behind me.
326
00:16:52,160 --> 00:16:54,960
Goodbye.
May God have mercy on your souls.
327
00:16:58,160 --> 00:16:59,960
SHOUTING AND SMASHING
328
00:16:59,960 --> 00:17:01,480
That lucky bastard.
329
00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:06,200
BIG BAND MUSIC
330
00:17:09,280 --> 00:17:11,480
OLD WEST MUSIC
331
00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:18,920
JAUNTY MUSIC
332
00:17:23,720 --> 00:17:25,920
CREEPY ORGAN MUSIC
333
00:17:36,560 --> 00:17:38,480
So, I suppose this hasn't
done anything
334
00:17:38,480 --> 00:17:40,200
to change your opinion of music.
335
00:17:41,600 --> 00:17:45,040
You know,
I exaggerate that to some extent.
336
00:17:45,040 --> 00:17:49,200
My dad was always trying to push me
into things. Music was one of them.
337
00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:53,680
Show tunes. He was always
trying to get me to sing.
338
00:17:53,680 --> 00:17:58,280
So I...I developed this sort of,
"I hate music," thing.
339
00:17:58,280 --> 00:18:00,680
It's not true. Not really.
340
00:18:00,680 --> 00:18:04,000
God, what was that song he was
always trying to get me to do?
341
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:05,920
One about...
342
00:18:05,920 --> 00:18:08,680
Oh, from the Audrey Hepburn film.
What was it?
343
00:18:08,680 --> 00:18:12,360
Oh, I used to love it. Er...
344
00:18:12,360 --> 00:18:13,400
Oh, anyway.
345
00:18:16,240 --> 00:18:19,160
Can you believe Katya's
still asleep?
346
00:18:19,160 --> 00:18:20,920
You've got to envy that.
347
00:18:22,840 --> 00:18:23,880
SHE GIGGLES
348
00:18:30,880 --> 00:18:35,040
I reckon there's nobody out there,
you know. Oh, my God!
349
00:18:35,040 --> 00:18:37,400
No, it's just very
convenient that we were
350
00:18:37,400 --> 00:18:39,960
talking about the Olympics
and then that happened.
351
00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:42,880
I can hear them out there.
YOU can hear them.
352
00:18:42,880 --> 00:18:44,920
It could be a recording.
353
00:18:44,920 --> 00:18:47,440
It might all be faked,
like the moon landings.
354
00:18:47,440 --> 00:18:51,000
Oh, God, Eggy! Come on,
you have to believe in some things
355
00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:53,000
otherwise you just...you go mad.
356
00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:54,640
No, no.
357
00:18:54,640 --> 00:18:57,040
You can't pull the wool
over my eyes.
358
00:18:57,040 --> 00:19:00,640
Last time anyone did that,
I looked quite the fool.
359
00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:02,000
Quite the fool.
360
00:19:03,160 --> 00:19:05,240
And my wife, she... You're married?
361
00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:07,880
I was, yes.
362
00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:12,040
I thought we were happy.
363
00:19:13,080 --> 00:19:14,320
But that wasn't true.
364
00:19:16,120 --> 00:19:20,000
Evening classes,
she said she was doing.
365
00:19:22,080 --> 00:19:24,080
But that wasn't what she was doing.
366
00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:26,880
It wasn't that at all.
367
00:19:29,200 --> 00:19:30,240
No, no, no.
368
00:19:32,560 --> 00:19:34,280
Not falling for that again.
369
00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:37,920
Not falling for anything again.
370
00:19:44,280 --> 00:19:47,440
And now it's the 1960s!
371
00:19:47,440 --> 00:19:49,960
Oh, this is a duet.
You could do this with me.
372
00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:52,240
I'm not going to sing with you,
Arthur. Oh, go on.
373
00:19:52,240 --> 00:19:55,880
Me and your dad used to do this one.
No. Oh, well, suit yourself.
374
00:19:55,880 --> 00:20:00,000
Ladies and gentlemen, close your
eyes and imagine, if you will,
375
00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:02,240
a young Julie Andrews.
376
00:20:03,880 --> 00:20:06,600
MEDLEY OF SHOW TUNE MUSIC
377
00:20:26,360 --> 00:20:29,080
Arthur.
La, da, da-da, da, da-da!
378
00:20:29,080 --> 00:20:31,360
Arthur, please. Please!
379
00:20:31,360 --> 00:20:36,200
Arthur, I'm sorry. I'm going
to have to ask you to stop...
380
00:20:36,200 --> 00:20:37,720
entertaining everyone.
381
00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:41,040
But I've got to
do my Shakespeare yet. What?
382
00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:43,400
Yeah. When I was going to
finish my musical show,
383
00:20:43,400 --> 00:20:45,600
I was going to do
my Shakespeare show.
384
00:20:45,600 --> 00:20:49,400
No, I'm sorry, Arthur. I think if you
do Shakespeare someone might die.
385
00:20:51,880 --> 00:20:55,200
We're...we're very grateful
though, you know, for...
386
00:20:55,200 --> 00:20:57,080
for keeping our spirits up.
387
00:20:57,080 --> 00:21:00,920
No, we're not! We're not grateful!
You are... Hey!
388
00:21:00,920 --> 00:21:03,280
Oh, bravo! Bravo!
389
00:21:03,280 --> 00:21:04,560
Thank you, Katya!
390
00:21:04,560 --> 00:21:06,320
More! More!
391
00:21:06,320 --> 00:21:08,360
Oh, I couldn't. I couldn't.
392
00:21:08,360 --> 00:21:11,240
Oh, go on then! No!
393
00:21:11,240 --> 00:21:13,720
You see? You see? They hated it!
394
00:21:13,720 --> 00:21:14,800
Just shut up!
395
00:21:14,800 --> 00:21:16,960
You made a terrible situation
many times worse.
396
00:21:16,960 --> 00:21:19,640
And that show you put on was
the worst thing I've ever seen!
397
00:21:19,640 --> 00:21:22,040
Hey, listen, it's in my blood,
is show business.
398
00:21:22,040 --> 00:21:24,280
Well, then go and work
in a box office somewhere.
399
00:21:24,280 --> 00:21:25,680
Sell ice creams in the interval.
400
00:21:25,680 --> 00:21:27,840
Just stay off the stage.
You don't belong there!
401
00:21:27,840 --> 00:21:31,160
You bring misery to everyone
who sees you perform!
402
00:21:31,160 --> 00:21:33,760
Bulent! No, no, Sinem.
Let him speak his mind.
403
00:21:35,240 --> 00:21:36,880
So, which bit didn't you like then?
404
00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:38,480
All of it! All of it!
405
00:21:38,480 --> 00:21:41,360
You have no talent. None. That's
why his old man left you behind.
406
00:21:41,360 --> 00:21:42,960
Because you have no talent!
407
00:21:44,920 --> 00:21:47,240
SHE GROANS
408
00:21:47,240 --> 00:21:51,840
Are you all right, Katya?
My pills. I have to take my pills.
409
00:21:51,840 --> 00:21:56,080
Where are they? Out there,
under my table, in the Iceland bag.
410
00:21:56,080 --> 00:22:00,320
Oh, I'm sorry, Katya, but we might
have to wait till all this is over.
411
00:22:00,320 --> 00:22:04,480
They're for flatulence. We're going
to get you those pills, Katya.
412
00:22:04,480 --> 00:22:09,080
Oh! Hold my hand! Hold my hand!
Oh, God.
413
00:22:09,080 --> 00:22:11,960
Where are you going?
I'm going to get Katya's pills.
414
00:22:11,960 --> 00:22:13,840
No, don't you go. I'll go.
415
00:22:13,840 --> 00:22:17,480
Don't let go! Oh! It's not
a good idea, Arthur. I'll go.
416
00:22:17,480 --> 00:22:19,760
No, no, no.
You stay where you are, John.
417
00:22:19,760 --> 00:22:21,440
It's been made perfectly clear to me
418
00:22:21,440 --> 00:22:25,000
that my presence here has been
at best tolerated.
419
00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:29,560
No... No, no. I know where I stand.
420
00:22:29,560 --> 00:22:31,360
I've lived my life.
421
00:22:33,280 --> 00:22:36,280
Now step aside, everybody,
if you will,
422
00:22:36,280 --> 00:22:40,400
and allow me to retrieve
Katya's flatulence tablets.
423
00:22:42,880 --> 00:22:44,840
I may be some time.
424
00:22:49,240 --> 00:22:52,880
Oh, well done(!) Oh, very brave(!)
An old man.
425
00:22:52,880 --> 00:22:54,600
You, you shouldn't
have let him leave.
426
00:22:54,600 --> 00:22:57,480
You shouldn't have said those
things. You could have defended him.
427
00:22:57,480 --> 00:23:00,520
But you didn't. Because you know
I'm right. You all do.
428
00:23:00,520 --> 00:23:02,760
He can't sing, he can't dance,
he can't do anything!
429
00:23:02,760 --> 00:23:04,960
And you're conning him
when you kid him otherwise.
430
00:23:04,960 --> 00:23:07,640
KATYA GROANS
All right, all right, all right, Katya.
431
00:23:07,640 --> 00:23:09,640
Let's just try
and think of something else.
432
00:23:09,640 --> 00:23:12,800
Just imagine we're not here, not
in a store room. We're in Poland.
433
00:23:12,800 --> 00:23:16,040
We're in Krakow with...um...
434
00:23:16,040 --> 00:23:17,600
Lech Walesa. No, no!
435
00:23:17,600 --> 00:23:19,160
Donald Sutherland.
436
00:23:19,160 --> 00:23:21,400
I like Donald Sutherland.
437
00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:24,120
OK, in Krakow with Donald Sutherland
438
00:23:24,120 --> 00:23:27,080
and you are eating golonka
439
00:23:27,080 --> 00:23:30,800
and watching...MASH...the film,
not the food.
440
00:23:30,800 --> 00:23:34,160
Oh! So sorry, Katya, I don't
really know much about Poland.
441
00:23:34,160 --> 00:23:35,440
I've been to Sweden.
442
00:23:35,440 --> 00:23:37,920
Could you sing to me?
443
00:23:37,920 --> 00:23:41,080
I don't really... I'm not...
I don't.
444
00:23:41,080 --> 00:23:42,640
SINEM: Here he is!
445
00:23:42,640 --> 00:23:46,240
Look what I got.
A pair of pumps and a telly.
446
00:23:46,240 --> 00:23:49,000
Hey, they've still got
the labels on them as well.
447
00:23:49,000 --> 00:23:51,360
Oh, hey, and feel in my pocket.
448
00:23:51,360 --> 00:23:54,080
They're for you.
Did you get my pills?
449
00:23:54,080 --> 00:23:55,920
Oh, for crying out loud.
450
00:23:55,920 --> 00:24:00,040
I knew there was something.
Here, hold that, you.
451
00:24:00,040 --> 00:24:04,000
I'll be back in a minute now I've
remembered. No, Arthur, don't.
452
00:24:04,000 --> 00:24:07,160
BOY: What's in here then? Oh, ho!
Come in here, you. Look at this.
453
00:24:07,160 --> 00:24:09,880
One of the ringleaders, I'll bet.
What are you talking about?
454
00:24:09,880 --> 00:24:12,120
I'm not a ringleader
of nothing, man. I'll kill him!
455
00:24:12,120 --> 00:24:14,320
Now, now, Bulent.
Don't go jumping the gun.
456
00:24:14,320 --> 00:24:17,320
We haven't asked him
what his demands are yet.
457
00:24:17,320 --> 00:24:19,600
What are your demands?
458
00:24:19,600 --> 00:24:21,240
I haven't got any demands.
459
00:24:21,240 --> 00:24:23,720
Well, you're not much
of a ringmaster then, are you?
460
00:24:23,720 --> 00:24:25,600
You smashed up my cafe, my business!
461
00:24:25,600 --> 00:24:27,040
I didn't smash nothing up.
462
00:24:27,040 --> 00:24:28,920
I'll smash you. Oh, yeah?
463
00:24:28,920 --> 00:24:31,840
How are you going to do that, bruv?
You're all wrapped up.
464
00:24:31,840 --> 00:24:34,600
Look, I just wanted
a fizzy slush, yeah?
465
00:24:34,600 --> 00:24:36,320
I'll pay for it. Look.
466
00:24:36,320 --> 00:24:39,400
SINEM: You like those?
No, my girlfriend loves them.
467
00:24:39,400 --> 00:24:40,720
I think they're disgusting.
468
00:24:40,720 --> 00:24:42,720
Aaargh!
469
00:24:42,720 --> 00:24:44,880
THEY SHOUT
470
00:24:47,600 --> 00:24:52,240
Please, don't... No... Bulent...
Uh...um...
471
00:24:52,240 --> 00:24:56,240
Moon River, wider than a mile
472
00:24:56,240 --> 00:25:00,440
I'm crossing you in style someday
473
00:25:00,440 --> 00:25:05,080
Oh, dream-maker, you heart-breaker
474
00:25:05,080 --> 00:25:09,880
Wherever you're going
I'm going your way
475
00:25:09,880 --> 00:25:14,800
TOGETHER: # Two drifters
Off to see the world
476
00:25:14,800 --> 00:25:19,600
There's such a lot of world to see
477
00:25:19,600 --> 00:25:25,880
We're after the same rainbow's end
478
00:25:25,880 --> 00:25:27,920
Waiting round the bend
479
00:25:27,920 --> 00:25:30,680
My huckleberry friend
480
00:25:30,680 --> 00:25:38,120
Moon River and me!
481
00:25:45,400 --> 00:25:48,960
You people are mental. Who are you?
482
00:25:48,960 --> 00:25:51,280
I'm Michael Baker.
483
00:25:51,280 --> 00:25:52,800
Now that's how you say it!
484
00:25:54,680 --> 00:25:57,280
Why are you still in here, anyway?
You know it's all over.
485
00:25:57,280 --> 00:26:01,000
Oh, yeah, it was a very quiet when
I was out there. For God's sake.
486
00:26:01,000 --> 00:26:04,760
Why didn't you tell us? We can all
leave. Come on, Katya, let's go.
487
00:26:10,720 --> 00:26:12,640
Hey, hey, hey! What are you doing?
488
00:26:12,640 --> 00:26:14,960
Have you seen the state
of the place, mate?
489
00:26:14,960 --> 00:26:16,240
How long have you been here?
490
00:26:16,240 --> 00:26:18,520
Just under an hour.
491
00:26:19,600 --> 00:26:21,720
JOHN: Oh, look at this.
492
00:26:21,720 --> 00:26:25,000
Hey, there really was a riot.
493
00:26:46,440 --> 00:26:50,240
This story shall the good man
teach his son
494
00:26:50,240 --> 00:26:53,280
And Crispin Crispian
will ne'er go by
495
00:26:53,280 --> 00:26:56,760
From this day to
the ending of the world
496
00:26:56,760 --> 00:26:59,240
But we in it shall be remember'd
497
00:27:00,560 --> 00:27:07,960
We few, we happy few
We band of brothers
498
00:27:07,960 --> 00:27:11,040
For he today that
sheds his blood with me
499
00:27:11,040 --> 00:27:14,360
Shall be my brother
Be he ne'er so vile
500
00:27:14,360 --> 00:27:17,320
This day shall gentle his condition
501
00:27:17,320 --> 00:27:20,640
And gentlemen in England now a-bed
502
00:27:20,640 --> 00:27:24,080
Will think themselves accursed
they were not here
503
00:27:24,080 --> 00:27:27,640
And hold their manhoods cheap
whiles any speaks
504
00:27:27,640 --> 00:27:31,800
That fought with us
upon Saint Crispin's day.
505
00:27:31,800 --> 00:27:35,000
In the windmills of your mind!
506
00:27:44,240 --> 00:27:47,040
BULENT: Oh, look at this!
Look at this!
507
00:27:47,040 --> 00:27:49,880
Hey! The fizzy slush machine's OK!
508
00:27:56,840 --> 00:27:58,120
KATYA: My pills!
509
00:28:01,600 --> 00:28:04,640
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
510
00:28:04,690 --> 00:28:09,240
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