All language subtitles for Count Arthur Strong s01e03 The Radio Play.eng

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:16,520 --> 00:00:20,240 So I'm asking everybody if they have a favourite Max Baker story. 2 00:00:20,240 --> 00:00:24,200 Ah! Well, how much time have you got? So many stories. 3 00:00:24,200 --> 00:00:28,360 Great, great. Just, er... Say them into the tape recorder. 4 00:00:28,360 --> 00:00:32,080 Well, I suppose the one I remember about your dad is, you know 5 00:00:32,080 --> 00:00:34,600 how Max could be a bit competitive? 6 00:00:34,600 --> 00:00:37,000 Yes. Yes, I do. Well... 7 00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:38,600 HE LAUGHS 8 00:00:38,600 --> 00:00:41,680 He bought me a table tennis table when I was 12. 9 00:00:41,680 --> 00:00:46,280 I was quite good at it. One night he asked me for a game and I won. 10 00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:48,080 He couldn't bear it. 11 00:00:48,080 --> 00:00:51,680 He made me play him again, and again, game after game. 12 00:00:51,680 --> 00:00:57,400 And I kept winning, even when I tried not to. All night we played. 13 00:00:57,400 --> 00:01:01,360 Long after my bedtime. My arm ached. 14 00:01:03,400 --> 00:01:07,160 Finally, he threw the paddle down, walked out without a word. 15 00:01:07,160 --> 00:01:09,200 Didn't say "good night" or anything. 16 00:01:09,200 --> 00:01:11,240 Few days later, I came home 17 00:01:11,240 --> 00:01:14,040 and he'd given the table away to Children In Need. 18 00:01:22,400 --> 00:01:24,480 Anyway, funny stories. Off you go. 19 00:01:27,040 --> 00:01:29,600 Sorry about this, Michael. I would have given you more time, 20 00:01:29,600 --> 00:01:32,480 but I'm producing a radio play this morning and I've got to get back. 21 00:01:32,480 --> 00:01:34,800 Oh, no, that's fine. You've given me more than enough. 22 00:01:34,800 --> 00:01:40,680 Before we go, take a look at this. Oh! Goodness, there they are. Ha! 23 00:01:40,680 --> 00:01:45,440 Arthur's still wearing that hat. Arthur? He's still alive? 24 00:01:45,440 --> 00:01:50,200 Oh, yes, yes. He's er... He's very...very alive. 25 00:01:51,840 --> 00:01:55,720 He's "helping me" with my book. What does he do with himself then? 26 00:01:55,720 --> 00:01:58,280 Well, he likes to think he's still in the business, 27 00:01:58,280 --> 00:02:01,720 but as far as I can tell, he's just a highly functioning psychopath. 28 00:02:01,720 --> 00:02:05,320 Actually, that's not true. He's not...highly functioning. 29 00:02:05,320 --> 00:02:06,760 MOBILE PHONE RINGS 30 00:02:06,760 --> 00:02:09,080 Sorry. Excuse me. Hello, Rachel. 31 00:02:10,120 --> 00:02:14,400 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down. What's... What's happened? 32 00:02:14,400 --> 00:02:17,920 Oh, you're joking. Rachel, you're joking. 33 00:02:20,680 --> 00:02:23,800 Listen, Arthur, er... All right, I'll just come out and say it. 34 00:02:23,800 --> 00:02:25,720 Somebody has asked me to ask you 35 00:02:25,720 --> 00:02:28,680 if you'd be interested in doing a few lines in a radio play today. 36 00:02:28,680 --> 00:02:30,920 There. I've done it. I have passed the message on. 37 00:02:30,920 --> 00:02:33,480 Whatever happens now is nothing to do with me. 38 00:02:33,480 --> 00:02:36,320 Could I have a tea and toast, please, Sinem. 39 00:02:36,320 --> 00:02:42,240 All the details are on there. What? A radio play? Me? They asked for me? 40 00:02:42,240 --> 00:02:44,000 I know. I was the same way. 41 00:02:45,480 --> 00:02:48,080 Apparently the actor who was going to do it 42 00:02:48,080 --> 00:02:50,680 has had an accident or something. That's brilliant! 43 00:02:50,680 --> 00:02:52,280 Will I have time for breakfast? 44 00:02:52,280 --> 00:02:56,480 No, not really. Never mind. I'll get Bulent to do me a pocket breakfast. 45 00:02:56,480 --> 00:02:59,240 What's a pocket breakfast? John, have you heard that? 46 00:02:59,240 --> 00:03:03,040 I've just landed the lead role in a radio play! 47 00:03:03,040 --> 00:03:05,640 It's not the lead role, it's literally two lines. 48 00:03:05,640 --> 00:03:07,840 What's a pocket breakfast? Two lines? 49 00:03:07,840 --> 00:03:09,880 Well, that's something we'll have to discuss. 50 00:03:09,880 --> 00:03:13,160 No, it really is just two lines. They're written down there. 51 00:03:13,160 --> 00:03:16,120 Oh, I'll just get my reading glasses. 52 00:03:16,120 --> 00:03:19,800 Erm... Oh, it's not those. Erm... 53 00:03:22,040 --> 00:03:23,960 It's definitely not those. 54 00:03:27,320 --> 00:03:28,840 Here they are. 55 00:03:35,400 --> 00:03:36,560 HE CLEARS HIS THROAT 56 00:03:42,360 --> 00:03:46,160 Which ones are these then? I'll read it! I'll read it. For God's sake. 57 00:03:46,160 --> 00:03:47,640 Right, you just have to say, 58 00:03:47,640 --> 00:03:50,040 "I'm sorry," and "Goodbye, Samantha." 59 00:03:50,040 --> 00:03:54,120 That sounds doable. I'm sorry, Sarah. 60 00:03:54,120 --> 00:03:57,920 What was the other one? No, Samantha. No, Samantha! 61 00:03:57,920 --> 00:04:01,920 It's "Goodbye, Sarah"... Goodbye, Sarah! Sorry, Samantha. 62 00:04:01,920 --> 00:04:05,560 You said Sarah. Sorry, Samantha, you said Sarah! No! 63 00:04:05,560 --> 00:04:08,600 It's a bigger part than you had me believe. No, it's not. 64 00:04:08,600 --> 00:04:13,120 It is just two lines, "I'm sorry..." Nothing for you to be sorry about. 65 00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:15,880 It's their fault for not making it clearer! 66 00:04:15,880 --> 00:04:18,400 That's the line, that's what you have... 67 00:04:18,400 --> 00:04:20,400 MOBILE RINGTONE OF A CHOIR SINGING 68 00:04:21,400 --> 00:04:26,040 Hello? Oh, hello, Sheila. Bulent, I want to change me order. 69 00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:29,840 I'll have a pocket breakfast. We're not supposed to be meeting, are we? 70 00:04:29,840 --> 00:04:33,640 No, no, nothing like that. Have you heard about Ronald Harrison? 71 00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:36,480 Oh, he's not won another bloody award, has he? 72 00:04:36,480 --> 00:04:40,000 Oh, God, that's so unfair! Did you read his last one, Sheila? 73 00:04:40,000 --> 00:04:44,600 I couldn't finish it. Oh, God, I hate him. And he's younger than me. 74 00:04:44,600 --> 00:04:46,880 He's had a massive heart attack. 75 00:04:46,880 --> 00:04:49,480 Oh, that's awful! 76 00:04:49,480 --> 00:04:54,880 He's just won that award! Oh, that's so unfair. I must finish his book. 77 00:04:54,880 --> 00:04:58,240 A heart attack? But he's younger than me. 78 00:04:58,240 --> 00:05:01,640 It happened while he was doing a photo shoot for an Observer profile. 79 00:05:01,640 --> 00:05:03,400 Oh, for f... Oh! 80 00:05:04,760 --> 00:05:07,720 I thought you should know in case you want to send a card. 81 00:05:07,720 --> 00:05:12,160 Yes, of course. Thank you, Sheila. Thank you. Sorry, John? 82 00:05:12,160 --> 00:05:16,000 Could I just borrow your newspaper a minute? You all right? 83 00:05:16,000 --> 00:05:20,240 Yeah, just a bit poleaxed. It's a writer, Ronald Harrison. 84 00:05:20,240 --> 00:05:24,080 Was a friend of mine. Apparently he had a heart attack. 85 00:05:24,080 --> 00:05:26,120 There's nothing about it in here. 86 00:05:29,360 --> 00:05:31,480 This is some sort of horse newspaper. 87 00:05:33,320 --> 00:05:34,880 It's the Racing Post. 88 00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:40,680 Here you go. Ronald Harrison. 89 00:05:40,680 --> 00:05:45,560 Yeah. He looks like an old boyfriend of mine. Really? 90 00:05:45,560 --> 00:05:50,640 Huh, well, that's... That's your type? Not anymore. 91 00:05:50,640 --> 00:05:54,080 He was one of these big babies, wanted to be taken care of, 92 00:05:54,080 --> 00:05:57,440 needed a mum, not a girlfriend. Oh, I hate that, yeah. 93 00:05:57,440 --> 00:06:01,160 I bet Ronald's like that as well. Yeah. Just a big baby. 94 00:06:01,160 --> 00:06:04,640 (BABY VOICE) Just wants somebody to take care of him. Hmm. 95 00:06:04,640 --> 00:06:07,480 Especially now he's had his heart attack. Oh, yes, I'm so sorry. 96 00:06:07,480 --> 00:06:09,120 I keep on forgetting. 97 00:06:09,120 --> 00:06:10,760 What is this? What is this?! 98 00:06:11,760 --> 00:06:14,880 'Harrison says the experience has made him re-evaluate his life 99 00:06:14,880 --> 00:06:18,240 'and his next book will be a portrait of his father.' 100 00:06:18,240 --> 00:06:23,240 (WHINING) He can't do that! He can't do a portrait of his father! 101 00:06:23,240 --> 00:06:25,640 I'm doing of portrait of MY father! 102 00:06:25,640 --> 00:06:28,400 He's not writing about your father, is he? Well, are you sure? 103 00:06:28,400 --> 00:06:32,720 Cos I wouldn't put it past him. Oh, God, I don't believe this. 104 00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:38,400 Here, Eggy, get a load of this. I'm doing a play on the radio. No! Yes! 105 00:06:38,400 --> 00:06:41,600 This is it, Eggy, my comeback. Just two lines! 106 00:06:41,600 --> 00:06:43,680 When do we get to hear it? 107 00:06:43,680 --> 00:06:46,160 Unfortunately, they have not furnished me 108 00:06:46,160 --> 00:06:48,680 with the dates of transmission, but as soon as... 109 00:06:48,680 --> 00:06:51,920 Oh, for crying out loud! What's wrong? 110 00:06:51,920 --> 00:06:55,240 I've got to be at home this afternoon. I'm expecting a delivery. 111 00:06:55,240 --> 00:06:59,680 John, what are you doing today? Can you wait in at mine for a delivery? 112 00:06:59,680 --> 00:07:01,640 Sorry, Arthur, I've got pilates. 113 00:07:03,400 --> 00:07:07,000 What about you? What are you doing today? Writing, working. 114 00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:09,560 I've got to write up all my notes. You can do that at my house. 115 00:07:09,560 --> 00:07:10,760 No, Arthur. 116 00:07:10,760 --> 00:07:13,480 I'm sorry, but I need a certain environment to work, 117 00:07:13,480 --> 00:07:17,880 and your house is not that. Please, Michael! No! Definitely not. 118 00:07:17,880 --> 00:07:22,920 Oh, go on. Oh, all right then, I will. I need to get changed. 119 00:07:22,920 --> 00:07:28,600 I'll see you back at mine in ten minutes, all right? Ooorgh! 120 00:07:28,600 --> 00:07:30,280 Radio play! 121 00:07:31,720 --> 00:07:32,960 BUZZER 122 00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:34,720 I'm coming! I'm coming. 123 00:07:39,520 --> 00:07:40,680 Oh. 124 00:07:43,400 --> 00:07:46,360 What's up with your door? It's sticking at the bottom. Ow! 125 00:07:46,360 --> 00:07:48,760 I keep meaning to get me plane out and take a bit off it. 126 00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:51,920 In fact, you could do that for me while you're waiting if you want. 127 00:07:51,920 --> 00:07:55,480 I'm writing up my notes, Arthur, I'm not going to plane your door. 128 00:07:55,480 --> 00:07:57,600 Ooph. 129 00:07:57,600 --> 00:08:01,520 Ow! Where's the sofa? It's what you're waiting in for. 130 00:08:01,520 --> 00:08:04,720 I've had to get a new one. Where am I supposed to sit? 131 00:08:04,720 --> 00:08:08,160 How am I supposed to work? The sofa people won't be long. 132 00:08:08,160 --> 00:08:12,960 They said somewhere between 12 and 5. I'm never going to finish this book. 133 00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:14,800 Here, this will cheer you up. 134 00:08:14,800 --> 00:08:19,200 I'll show you the letter your dad and me got from Elvis Presley. What? 135 00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:23,120 What did you say? It's in here somewhere. 136 00:08:23,120 --> 00:08:27,320 You have a letter from Elvis Presley to my dad? Yeah. He was a big fan. 137 00:08:27,320 --> 00:08:31,080 Elvis Presley was a fan of my dad? And me. 138 00:08:31,080 --> 00:08:34,240 We were a double act, remember. Don't be rewriting me out of history. 139 00:08:34,240 --> 00:08:36,280 Wait a second, I want to get this right. 140 00:08:36,280 --> 00:08:41,240 You have a letter from Elvis Presley to my dad? THE Elvis Presley? Yeah. 141 00:08:41,240 --> 00:08:43,760 Hand written. Oh, my God! 142 00:08:43,760 --> 00:08:48,960 This is the thing that'll bring the book to life! Oh, take that, 143 00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:52,240 Ronald bloody Harrison, although I'm sorry about your heart attack. 144 00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:55,560 May I? Help yourself. I think it's in that box. Thank you. 145 00:08:55,560 --> 00:08:58,480 Thank you, Arthur. Ta-ta, Michael. Thanks again. 146 00:09:03,080 --> 00:09:04,880 There's no letter in here. 147 00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:14,240 Ugh... 148 00:09:17,360 --> 00:09:20,560 I can't thank you enough, Arthur. I was really in a bind. 149 00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:24,160 Oh, no, no, no. Not at all. Only too happy to help. 150 00:09:24,160 --> 00:09:27,320 You're saying all these biscuits are free? 151 00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:31,760 Well, er... Yes, yes. 152 00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:42,440 Arthur, this is Luke, who's playing Paul, our leading man. 153 00:09:42,440 --> 00:09:46,000 Luke, this is Arthur. Hello, Arthur. Delighted to meet you. 154 00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:51,200 Another day, another job, eh? Oh, yes. Oh, jobs, jobs, jobs. 155 00:09:51,200 --> 00:09:55,280 I've got so many jobs. Big jobs as well. 156 00:09:55,280 --> 00:09:58,920 I've got massive, big jobs coming out me ears! 157 00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:05,960 That's impressive. Who's your agent? Michael Baker. 158 00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:10,760 I might get his number off you later. Hi. Hello. Ah. 159 00:10:10,760 --> 00:10:13,920 Arthur, this is Rachael Goodwin. Oh, thank goodness for that. 160 00:10:13,920 --> 00:10:16,040 Get the kettle on, love, I'm gasping. 161 00:10:17,760 --> 00:10:22,800 Our director. She's directing the piece. Hi. Ha-ha! Ho-ho! I know! 162 00:10:22,800 --> 00:10:27,040 I was only pulling your leg. I know women don't make tea for men anymore. 163 00:10:27,040 --> 00:10:30,200 And if you ask me, it's a disgrace they ever had to! 164 00:10:31,560 --> 00:10:34,560 Thank you so much for helping us out, Arthur. 165 00:10:34,560 --> 00:10:37,280 We only have Dame Agnes for a few hours. 166 00:10:37,280 --> 00:10:40,760 Have you had a chance to read the play? I haven't, no. Have you? 167 00:10:42,400 --> 00:10:45,320 Well, I wrote it. Did you? 168 00:10:45,320 --> 00:10:48,920 I should just say now, I won't do anything blue. 169 00:10:48,920 --> 00:10:52,720 Unless, of course, my fee was adjusted to reflect this 170 00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:56,760 potentially exciting new direction for my career you're suggesting. 171 00:10:58,480 --> 00:11:01,440 Rachael, are you all right to get on? Thanks, Colin, yes. 172 00:11:01,440 --> 00:11:04,400 I'll take it from here. OK. 173 00:11:04,400 --> 00:11:07,880 Let me introduce you to the last members of our merry band. 174 00:11:07,880 --> 00:11:11,560 Jennifer Mallison and of course Dame Agnes. Of course. 175 00:11:11,560 --> 00:11:15,280 Very pleased to meet you, Dame Agnes. I'm not Dame Agnes. 176 00:11:15,280 --> 00:11:18,600 Oh, of course, of course. You'd be much older, wouldn't you? 177 00:11:19,960 --> 00:11:21,680 This must be her now. 178 00:11:23,560 --> 00:11:27,480 (RAISES VOICE) I say! This must be you now! 179 00:11:28,640 --> 00:11:31,280 I can hear you perfectly well, Arthur. 180 00:11:31,280 --> 00:11:35,880 Have you got some sort of device? I'm sorry? 181 00:11:35,880 --> 00:11:37,480 (RAISES VOICE) For your hearing! 182 00:11:37,480 --> 00:11:41,200 No. There's nothing wrong with my hearing. Here! 183 00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:44,600 She was trying to pass herself off as you, you know. I wasn't! 184 00:11:44,600 --> 00:11:46,280 She didn't fool me, though. 185 00:11:46,280 --> 00:11:49,040 I can always tell when someone's been ennobled. 186 00:11:49,040 --> 00:11:53,160 They have a grace, don't they? An innate grace. 187 00:11:53,160 --> 00:11:55,520 (LOUDLY) She's not got it. 188 00:11:55,520 --> 00:11:57,800 Will you please stop shouting, Arthur, 189 00:11:57,800 --> 00:12:00,120 we can all you hear you perfectly well. 190 00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:01,440 Oh, right. 191 00:12:04,320 --> 00:12:08,920 I'm sorry, but...are any of you going to make the tea? 192 00:12:14,560 --> 00:12:16,280 BANGING AND CRASHING 193 00:12:23,440 --> 00:12:25,600 Ohhh... 194 00:12:25,600 --> 00:12:27,480 Nothing! 195 00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:32,360 My hypothesis, and it's only a hypothesis, 196 00:12:32,360 --> 00:12:35,920 is that what we're dealing with here is a morality play. 197 00:12:35,920 --> 00:12:38,800 Yeah, that's precisely what I was going for. 198 00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:42,200 With each character representing a different vice. 199 00:12:43,320 --> 00:12:47,440 Pride, as seen in Paul, our manipulative lothario. 200 00:12:47,440 --> 00:12:51,480 Penelope, whose vanity manifests itself in everything she says 201 00:12:51,480 --> 00:12:54,800 and does, and Samantha, the mother, 202 00:12:54,800 --> 00:12:59,000 whose greed and despair ultimately lead to her downfall. 203 00:13:00,560 --> 00:13:01,880 Bang on! 204 00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:09,440 Sorry? I'm just agreeing with the... hippopotamus. 205 00:13:11,640 --> 00:13:15,200 Although I have yet, as I say, to read the play. 206 00:13:17,080 --> 00:13:19,720 Does anyone have any questions so far? 207 00:13:19,720 --> 00:13:25,480 Oh. Yes, Arthur? Um, viz a viz the lunch situation... 208 00:13:25,480 --> 00:13:28,600 I'm afraid it's up to individuals to sort out their own lunch. 209 00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:31,240 I was actually... I find that very surprising. 210 00:13:31,240 --> 00:13:34,920 Last time I worked for the BBC they had a running buffet. 211 00:13:34,920 --> 00:13:37,280 Any questions on the play is what I mean. 212 00:13:37,280 --> 00:13:41,200 Rachael, my character, tell me if this is way off, but I see him 213 00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:45,360 as...barely able to contain his sexuality. 214 00:13:45,360 --> 00:13:50,040 He could erupt at any moment. He's like a carnal...Vesuvius. 215 00:13:51,320 --> 00:13:54,680 A carnal Vesuvius. Ooh, I love that! 216 00:13:54,680 --> 00:13:57,400 Oh, yes, that's a wonderful image for us all 217 00:13:57,400 --> 00:13:59,560 to keep in our minds as we proceed. 218 00:13:59,560 --> 00:14:01,480 Dame Agnes, how do you see your character? 219 00:14:01,480 --> 00:14:04,280 I went home with a whole salmon! 220 00:14:05,920 --> 00:14:10,200 I'm sorry? From the buffet. 221 00:14:10,200 --> 00:14:14,640 Must have weighed 20lbs. I was eating it for days. 222 00:14:14,640 --> 00:14:16,160 Yes? 223 00:14:16,160 --> 00:14:19,560 Hmm! Dame Agnes, any single image? 224 00:14:19,560 --> 00:14:24,560 Salmon for me breakfast, salmon for me dinner, salmon for me sodding tea. 225 00:14:24,560 --> 00:14:27,200 I was sick of the sight of the bloody thing in the end. 226 00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:31,080 Staring at me with those cold, accusing eyes. 227 00:14:31,080 --> 00:14:34,440 In the end, I had no option but to flush it down the toilet. 228 00:14:37,680 --> 00:14:41,200 Dame Agnes, an image? 229 00:14:41,200 --> 00:14:45,160 I'm sorry, Rachael, all I can see is a salmon in a toilet. 230 00:14:47,560 --> 00:14:51,760 Is she a bit like that? Like a salmon trapped in a toilet? 231 00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:55,200 No, she's not like that! Not at all. 232 00:14:55,200 --> 00:14:57,040 Can you come back to me? 233 00:14:57,040 --> 00:15:01,240 Jennifer, how about you? Well... Like Free Willy. 234 00:15:03,680 --> 00:15:08,400 Except, instead of a live whale, it was a dead salmon. 235 00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:12,000 And instead of a little boy being jumped over, it was me flushing... 236 00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:16,120 Will you stop talking about the salmon?! Stop talking about it! 237 00:15:16,120 --> 00:15:17,320 Just stop it! 238 00:15:23,920 --> 00:15:26,760 Who's Colonel Vesuvius? 239 00:15:37,480 --> 00:15:38,560 Aaagh! 240 00:15:38,560 --> 00:15:39,880 LOUD CRASH 241 00:15:42,320 --> 00:15:43,960 HE GROANS 242 00:15:49,160 --> 00:15:51,720 AAAAARRRGH! 243 00:15:51,720 --> 00:15:54,640 SCREAMING CONTINUES 244 00:15:57,960 --> 00:16:01,680 Paul, what are you doing here? Your mother invited me for the weekend. 245 00:16:01,680 --> 00:16:05,120 Why? Don't look so shocked, darling. It's all perfectly innocent. 246 00:16:05,120 --> 00:16:08,760 Samantha, would you rub some oil on my back? I'm turning into a crisp. 247 00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:13,120 I'm...going to my room. Hurry, Samantha! All right, I'm coming. 248 00:16:13,120 --> 00:16:15,040 Are you going to leave your trousers on? 249 00:16:15,040 --> 00:16:18,640 I guess I could slip into my trunks. I am on holiday. 250 00:16:18,640 --> 00:16:21,160 LOUD UNZIPPING 251 00:16:21,160 --> 00:16:23,920 Goodness, look at you! What? 252 00:16:23,920 --> 00:16:26,280 Oh, I suppose they are a bit snug. 253 00:16:26,280 --> 00:16:28,720 Ahem! Some privacy, please! 254 00:16:28,720 --> 00:16:32,520 Spoilsport! Sorry, Rachael, I don't understand this bit. 255 00:16:32,520 --> 00:16:35,880 It seems very coy of him suddenly to ask her to turn around. 256 00:16:39,680 --> 00:16:44,520 Everything else has been... freighted with sexuality... 257 00:16:44,520 --> 00:16:48,800 and then he wants some privacy to put his trunks on. 258 00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:51,440 I, um...I don't get it. 259 00:16:51,440 --> 00:16:52,600 Um... Well... 260 00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:54,120 CUTLERY CLATTERS 261 00:16:54,120 --> 00:16:59,880 Even Paul has limits... and here he's... 262 00:16:59,880 --> 00:17:02,280 exercising his power by... 263 00:17:03,800 --> 00:17:06,040 ..arbitrarily enforcing those limits. 264 00:17:06,040 --> 00:17:07,560 Er, I see. 265 00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:09,840 And you don't want everybody staring at you 266 00:17:09,840 --> 00:17:12,360 when your landing gear's descending. 267 00:17:15,840 --> 00:17:19,160 Let's take it back to "I won't peek." 268 00:17:20,160 --> 00:17:22,480 All right, I won't peek, I promise. 269 00:17:22,480 --> 00:17:24,880 UNDERPANTS WHIP OFF 270 00:17:24,880 --> 00:17:26,560 You can turn around now. 271 00:17:26,560 --> 00:17:27,640 SHE GASPS 272 00:17:27,640 --> 00:17:30,640 Dear me! How do you keep in such good shape? 273 00:17:30,640 --> 00:17:33,960 Oh, you know, swimming, squat thrusts... 274 00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:35,760 ARTHUR: Squat thrusts. 275 00:17:37,800 --> 00:17:39,960 I'm getting a glass of water. 276 00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:41,120 HE CHOMPS LOUDLY 277 00:17:41,120 --> 00:17:43,960 Paul, I need to see you. 278 00:17:43,960 --> 00:17:47,600 You're seeing me now. You know what I mean. Do I? Stop playing games! 279 00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:50,680 I'm not playing games, I honestly don't know what you're talking about. 280 00:17:50,680 --> 00:17:54,720 I'm talking about us! Us? There is no us. 281 00:17:54,720 --> 00:17:57,480 What have you got to say about that then? 282 00:18:04,760 --> 00:18:07,000 Michael? 283 00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:09,880 I brought you lunch, as requested. 284 00:18:12,280 --> 00:18:13,360 Michael? 285 00:18:14,400 --> 00:18:15,600 Michael? 286 00:18:16,720 --> 00:18:18,040 < Ohhh... 287 00:18:18,040 --> 00:18:19,480 Michael? 288 00:18:27,560 --> 00:18:28,960 DOORBELL BUZZES 289 00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:30,800 That'll be the sofa. 290 00:18:32,160 --> 00:18:36,040 Get away from me! You're nothing but a philandering liar. How dare you? 291 00:18:36,040 --> 00:18:39,520 How dare you call me a philandering liar? You knew what the score was. 292 00:18:39,520 --> 00:18:41,080 Don't pretend you didn't. 293 00:18:41,080 --> 00:18:45,240 No, don't go. Kiss me. Please, please kiss me! 294 00:18:45,240 --> 00:18:46,800 It's over, Samantha. 295 00:18:47,920 --> 00:18:50,800 Very well, if I can't have you, no-one else will. 296 00:18:50,800 --> 00:18:52,240 GUNSHOTS 297 00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:53,680 Agh! 298 00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:57,720 You fool! You stupid fool! 299 00:18:57,720 --> 00:18:58,760 HE GROANS 300 00:18:58,760 --> 00:19:01,640 Mother! What have you done? 301 00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:04,320 He's...dead. 302 00:19:04,320 --> 00:19:08,680 Oh, darling, darling, I'm sorry! I loved him! I loved him so. 303 00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:11,880 So did I, Mummy. So did I. 304 00:19:11,880 --> 00:19:14,400 BOTH WEEP AND WAIL 305 00:19:19,160 --> 00:19:20,240 It'll be all right. 306 00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:26,120 Let's take a break. Thank you so much, everyone. 307 00:19:26,120 --> 00:19:28,680 Arthur, shall we record your lines now? 308 00:19:29,840 --> 00:19:32,920 Just speak clearly into the microphone. 309 00:19:32,920 --> 00:19:35,040 I'm sorry? 310 00:19:35,040 --> 00:19:36,360 And the other one. 311 00:19:37,480 --> 00:19:40,480 The other one? The other line. 312 00:19:40,480 --> 00:19:42,600 Goodbye, Samantha. 313 00:19:42,600 --> 00:19:45,760 Great, thanks, Arthur. That's all we need from you today. 314 00:19:49,320 --> 00:19:50,880 Was that not just the rehearsal? 315 00:19:50,880 --> 00:19:53,240 No, you only appear in flashback, and we've got it now, 316 00:19:53,240 --> 00:19:54,520 so we can just drop it in. 317 00:19:54,520 --> 00:19:56,880 Oh! Oh, right. 318 00:19:56,880 --> 00:20:00,360 And that's lunch! We've got a shorter than usual lunch break today 319 00:20:00,360 --> 00:20:03,240 because Dame Agnes has to be away by four. 320 00:20:03,240 --> 00:20:06,200 Sorry, everyone, crisis meeting with my publisher. 321 00:20:06,200 --> 00:20:09,240 Simply got to find a title for my autobiography. God! 322 00:20:09,240 --> 00:20:11,640 So don't go too far. 323 00:20:11,640 --> 00:20:13,520 Thanks again, Arthur. 324 00:20:15,080 --> 00:20:19,280 Well done, Arthur. Fancy a spot of lunch? 325 00:20:19,280 --> 00:20:22,560 Oh, that's very generous of you. Thank you! 326 00:20:22,560 --> 00:20:25,880 There's a pub across the road. Oh, no, I mustn't go to the pub. 327 00:20:25,880 --> 00:20:29,080 When I'm working, I'm on the wagon. Made that mistake too many times. 328 00:20:29,080 --> 00:20:33,560 Oh, go on, I'll look after you. You can have an orange juice. Hm... 329 00:20:33,560 --> 00:20:36,760 No, really, I... really, really mustn't. 330 00:20:36,760 --> 00:20:40,680 Her name was Lola, she was a showgirl 331 00:20:40,680 --> 00:20:44,760 Yellow feathers in her hair and a dress cut down to there 332 00:20:44,760 --> 00:20:49,000 She could merengue and do the cha cha... 333 00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:52,000 How could you? How could you?! 334 00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:55,480 Now, now, now, we mustn't be too hard on him. 335 00:20:55,480 --> 00:20:57,960 He does seem to have a very low tolerance 336 00:20:57,960 --> 00:21:00,680 for large amounts of alcohol. 337 00:21:00,680 --> 00:21:02,760 HE VOMITS 338 00:21:02,760 --> 00:21:05,760 OK, Luke, come on, let's go. 339 00:21:05,760 --> 00:21:07,720 Oh, no, no! Oh! 340 00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:10,600 Come on. 341 00:21:12,200 --> 00:21:15,160 What are we going to do? Seriously, if anyone has an idea 342 00:21:15,160 --> 00:21:18,640 of how I can possibly rescue the situation, please do let me know. 343 00:21:24,760 --> 00:21:27,360 And...action. 344 00:21:27,360 --> 00:21:30,240 Paul, what are you doing here? 345 00:21:30,240 --> 00:21:32,200 HE CLEARS HIS THROAT NOISILY 346 00:21:34,400 --> 00:21:37,080 Your mother invited me for the weekend. 347 00:21:39,360 --> 00:21:43,960 Why? Don't look so shocked, darling, it's all perfectly innocent. 348 00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:47,640 SLURRED: Samantha, would you rub some oil on my back? 349 00:21:47,640 --> 00:21:49,600 I'm turning into some crisps. 350 00:21:52,040 --> 00:21:54,360 I'm going to my room. 351 00:21:54,360 --> 00:21:57,000 Hurry, Samantha! All right, I'm coming! 352 00:21:57,000 --> 00:21:59,640 Are you going to leave your trousers on? 353 00:21:59,640 --> 00:22:03,560 I guess I can slip into my trunks. I am on me holidays. 354 00:22:05,520 --> 00:22:08,440 Goodness! Look at you! 355 00:22:08,440 --> 00:22:11,720 What? Oh, I suppose they are a bit snug. 356 00:22:11,720 --> 00:22:17,400 I've never been one for boxing shorts. I prefer a little bit of... 357 00:22:19,120 --> 00:22:21,400 If you know what I mean, Dame Agnes. 358 00:22:21,400 --> 00:22:23,120 Ohhh... 359 00:22:23,120 --> 00:22:27,240 Some privacy, please. Spoilsport! 360 00:22:27,240 --> 00:22:30,160 All right, I won't peek, I promise. 361 00:22:32,400 --> 00:22:36,800 Paul, now Penelope's gone, I can ask you, what's going on? 362 00:22:36,800 --> 00:22:38,720 Why are you here? 363 00:22:38,720 --> 00:22:41,160 HE BAWLS: Oh, come on, Samantha! 364 00:22:41,160 --> 00:22:43,600 We both know why I'm here. 365 00:22:43,600 --> 00:22:47,160 I've always been able to tell when a wom-m-m-man wants me. 366 00:22:49,280 --> 00:22:52,200 You... You can turn round now. 367 00:22:53,640 --> 00:22:58,040 Dear me! How do you keep in such good shape? 368 00:22:58,040 --> 00:22:59,960 Oh, you know... 369 00:22:59,960 --> 00:23:04,440 Swimming, squat thrusts, getting a glass of water... 370 00:23:05,680 --> 00:23:08,960 Oh, that's...! No! I'm getting a glass of water! 371 00:23:14,400 --> 00:23:16,320 I need to see you. 372 00:23:21,880 --> 00:23:23,840 You're seeing me now! 373 00:23:23,840 --> 00:23:25,560 You know what I mean! 374 00:23:25,560 --> 00:23:29,040 Do I? Stop playing games! 375 00:23:30,240 --> 00:23:31,920 I'm not playing games! 376 00:23:31,920 --> 00:23:35,000 I-II honestly don't know what you're talking about. 377 00:23:36,480 --> 00:23:38,360 I'm talking about us! 378 00:23:40,160 --> 00:23:42,000 There is no us. 379 00:23:43,680 --> 00:23:45,960 She's not right in the head! 380 00:23:53,200 --> 00:23:56,600 What were you doing down there anyway? 381 00:23:56,600 --> 00:24:00,400 I was looking for a fan letter Elvis Presley wrote my dad. 382 00:24:00,400 --> 00:24:02,240 Elvis Presley was a fan of your dad? 383 00:24:02,240 --> 00:24:03,880 Apparently. 384 00:24:03,880 --> 00:24:05,520 I thought it might help the book. 385 00:24:05,520 --> 00:24:08,720 All this because of Ronald bloody Harrison. 386 00:24:08,720 --> 00:24:12,000 Every time he does something, I have to go one better. 387 00:24:12,000 --> 00:24:15,920 It just goes on and on, back and forth, like ping... 388 00:24:17,800 --> 00:24:19,240 ..pong... 389 00:24:20,840 --> 00:24:23,280 I'll be mo... 390 00:24:23,280 --> 00:24:24,600 I'll be mother. 391 00:24:25,920 --> 00:24:29,520 I'm not normally like this, you know. I am usually quite capable. 392 00:24:30,960 --> 00:24:33,480 It's Arthur. Arthur's done this to me. 393 00:24:35,080 --> 00:24:37,360 Arthur's turned me into a baby. 394 00:24:37,360 --> 00:24:39,800 CHORAL RINGTONE 395 00:24:39,800 --> 00:24:41,640 Hello? 396 00:24:43,280 --> 00:24:47,240 My client got your client drunk? I don't have a... 397 00:24:48,240 --> 00:24:49,280 ..client. 398 00:24:50,640 --> 00:24:53,680 No, don't go! Kiss me! Please! 399 00:24:53,680 --> 00:24:55,520 Please kiss me! 400 00:24:58,760 --> 00:25:00,680 We've got all this to do! 401 00:25:03,880 --> 00:25:05,080 After. 402 00:25:07,360 --> 00:25:11,760 It's over, Dame Agnes. I mean, Susan! Sarah! Samantha! 403 00:25:13,320 --> 00:25:16,120 Very well, if I can't have you, no-one else will. 404 00:25:16,120 --> 00:25:19,080 Aaarrgh! You fool! You've shot me! 405 00:25:19,080 --> 00:25:20,600 GUNSHOT 406 00:25:23,400 --> 00:25:25,720 Mother! What have you done? 407 00:25:25,720 --> 00:25:29,760 Aaaarrgh! Urrrgh! Nnnngh! 408 00:25:29,760 --> 00:25:31,760 Oooooeeerrrgh! 409 00:25:31,760 --> 00:25:33,640 He's... 410 00:25:33,640 --> 00:25:36,200 Wuurrrrgggh! Aaaaarrrgh! 411 00:25:36,200 --> 00:25:39,320 Ooooorrrgh! 412 00:25:39,320 --> 00:25:41,680 Urrrgh... 413 00:25:41,680 --> 00:25:43,160 Mother, what have you...? 414 00:25:43,160 --> 00:25:46,640 Uuuurrgh! 415 00:25:46,640 --> 00:25:50,240 Aaaauuurrgh! Uuurgh! Aaaaagh! 416 00:25:50,240 --> 00:25:53,720 Uuunnggghhh... 417 00:25:53,720 --> 00:25:56,480 He's... Wuuurrrghhh! 418 00:26:01,280 --> 00:26:02,960 He's dead. 419 00:26:02,960 --> 00:26:06,560 Oh, darling, darling, I'm sorry! I loved him! I loved him so... 420 00:26:07,600 --> 00:26:11,080 So did I, Mummy. So did I. 421 00:26:11,080 --> 00:26:14,240 BOTH WEEP AND WAIL 422 00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:15,880 Uuunnngh... 423 00:26:17,040 --> 00:26:19,600 Aaaaahhh... Uuunnngh... 424 00:26:19,600 --> 00:26:21,400 Uuurrgh! 425 00:26:22,680 --> 00:26:24,680 Bluuugggh! 426 00:26:27,880 --> 00:26:29,600 Unnghh... 427 00:26:35,280 --> 00:26:36,520 CORK POPS 428 00:26:36,520 --> 00:26:37,680 ALL CHEER 429 00:26:37,680 --> 00:26:39,600 Shush! It's about to start. 430 00:26:39,600 --> 00:26:43,360 There you go, Arthur. Oh, goodness me! It's a double celebration. 431 00:26:43,360 --> 00:26:46,840 Sinem liked the chapters I showed her. Very good! 432 00:26:46,840 --> 00:26:49,680 Oh, I forgot to say, I loved that story about the ping-pong table. 433 00:26:49,680 --> 00:26:53,040 So funny! Oh, your poor dad. 434 00:26:53,040 --> 00:26:56,080 Yeah... Yeah, poor Dad. 435 00:26:56,080 --> 00:26:59,200 Must have been a nightmare living with someone that competitive. 436 00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:02,280 Not really. It's just who he was. 437 00:27:02,280 --> 00:27:04,120 Oh, here, I meant to ask you. 438 00:27:04,120 --> 00:27:06,720 Did you find that letter from Elvis Presley? 439 00:27:06,720 --> 00:27:09,760 No, Arthur. I looked and looked but no sign of it. 440 00:27:09,760 --> 00:27:14,280 I guess it's just one of those that history swallowed up. 441 00:27:14,280 --> 00:27:19,240 No, not Elvis Presley. I'm always doing that. The other one... 442 00:27:19,240 --> 00:27:21,960 Half A Sixpence. Tommy Steele! 443 00:27:28,560 --> 00:27:33,840 Never mind. It's starting! Who are you playing, Arthur? Paul. 444 00:27:33,840 --> 00:27:36,000 You can't miss me. I'm in right from the beginning. 445 00:27:36,000 --> 00:27:38,960 'Paul! What are you doing here? 446 00:27:38,960 --> 00:27:41,280 LUKE: 'Your mother invited me for the weekend. 447 00:27:41,280 --> 00:27:43,720 'Why? Don't look so shocked, darling, 448 00:27:43,720 --> 00:27:45,640 'it's all perfectly innocent. 449 00:27:45,640 --> 00:27:50,440 'Samantha, would you rub some oil on my back? I'm turning into a crisp. 450 00:27:50,440 --> 00:27:55,400 'I'm going to my room.' I don't understand. I thought you were... 451 00:27:55,400 --> 00:27:58,280 Didn't you say you were playing Paul? 452 00:27:58,280 --> 00:28:00,760 That young fellow must have recovered. 453 00:28:00,760 --> 00:28:03,960 They must have recorded it after I left. 454 00:28:03,960 --> 00:28:06,800 Oh, well, it's for the best, I suppose. 455 00:28:06,800 --> 00:28:08,640 Don't know what I was thinking. 456 00:28:08,640 --> 00:28:12,080 Can't take a young lad's job, can I? 457 00:28:12,080 --> 00:28:16,080 He's got his whole career ahead of him, not like me. 458 00:28:16,080 --> 00:28:19,320 I'm yesterday's news. 459 00:28:19,320 --> 00:28:22,840 'I'll never forget his last words to me. 460 00:28:22,840 --> 00:28:25,120 ARTHUR: 'I'm sorry? 461 00:28:25,120 --> 00:28:26,760 'Goodbye, Samantha!' 462 00:28:26,760 --> 00:28:28,280 ALL CHEER 463 00:28:30,480 --> 00:28:33,520 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 464 00:28:33,570 --> 00:28:38,120 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 37302

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