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1
00:00:16,520 --> 00:00:20,240
So I'm asking everybody if they
have a favourite Max Baker story.
2
00:00:20,240 --> 00:00:24,200
Ah! Well, how much time have you got?
So many stories.
3
00:00:24,200 --> 00:00:28,360
Great, great. Just, er...
Say them into the tape recorder.
4
00:00:28,360 --> 00:00:32,080
Well, I suppose the one I remember
about your dad is, you know
5
00:00:32,080 --> 00:00:34,600
how Max could be a bit competitive?
6
00:00:34,600 --> 00:00:37,000
Yes. Yes, I do. Well...
7
00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:38,600
HE LAUGHS
8
00:00:38,600 --> 00:00:41,680
He bought me a table tennis table
when I was 12.
9
00:00:41,680 --> 00:00:46,280
I was quite good at it. One night
he asked me for a game and I won.
10
00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:48,080
He couldn't bear it.
11
00:00:48,080 --> 00:00:51,680
He made me play him again,
and again, game after game.
12
00:00:51,680 --> 00:00:57,400
And I kept winning, even when
I tried not to. All night we played.
13
00:00:57,400 --> 00:01:01,360
Long after my bedtime. My arm ached.
14
00:01:03,400 --> 00:01:07,160
Finally, he threw the paddle down,
walked out without a word.
15
00:01:07,160 --> 00:01:09,200
Didn't say "good night" or anything.
16
00:01:09,200 --> 00:01:11,240
Few days later, I came home
17
00:01:11,240 --> 00:01:14,040
and he'd given the table away
to Children In Need.
18
00:01:22,400 --> 00:01:24,480
Anyway, funny stories. Off you go.
19
00:01:27,040 --> 00:01:29,600
Sorry about this, Michael.
I would have given you more time,
20
00:01:29,600 --> 00:01:32,480
but I'm producing a radio play this
morning and I've got to get back.
21
00:01:32,480 --> 00:01:34,800
Oh, no, that's fine.
You've given me more than enough.
22
00:01:34,800 --> 00:01:40,680
Before we go, take a look at this.
Oh! Goodness, there they are. Ha!
23
00:01:40,680 --> 00:01:45,440
Arthur's still wearing that hat.
Arthur? He's still alive?
24
00:01:45,440 --> 00:01:50,200
Oh, yes, yes. He's er...
He's very...very alive.
25
00:01:51,840 --> 00:01:55,720
He's "helping me" with my book.
What does he do with himself then?
26
00:01:55,720 --> 00:01:58,280
Well, he likes to think
he's still in the business,
27
00:01:58,280 --> 00:02:01,720
but as far as I can tell, he's just
a highly functioning psychopath.
28
00:02:01,720 --> 00:02:05,320
Actually, that's not true.
He's not...highly functioning.
29
00:02:05,320 --> 00:02:06,760
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
30
00:02:06,760 --> 00:02:09,080
Sorry. Excuse me. Hello, Rachel.
31
00:02:10,120 --> 00:02:14,400
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down.
What's... What's happened?
32
00:02:14,400 --> 00:02:17,920
Oh, you're joking.
Rachel, you're joking.
33
00:02:20,680 --> 00:02:23,800
Listen, Arthur, er... All right,
I'll just come out and say it.
34
00:02:23,800 --> 00:02:25,720
Somebody has asked me to ask you
35
00:02:25,720 --> 00:02:28,680
if you'd be interested in doing
a few lines in a radio play today.
36
00:02:28,680 --> 00:02:30,920
There. I've done it.
I have passed the message on.
37
00:02:30,920 --> 00:02:33,480
Whatever happens now
is nothing to do with me.
38
00:02:33,480 --> 00:02:36,320
Could I have a tea and toast,
please, Sinem.
39
00:02:36,320 --> 00:02:42,240
All the details are on there. What?
A radio play? Me? They asked for me?
40
00:02:42,240 --> 00:02:44,000
I know. I was the same way.
41
00:02:45,480 --> 00:02:48,080
Apparently the actor
who was going to do it
42
00:02:48,080 --> 00:02:50,680
has had an accident or something.
That's brilliant!
43
00:02:50,680 --> 00:02:52,280
Will I have time for breakfast?
44
00:02:52,280 --> 00:02:56,480
No, not really. Never mind. I'll get
Bulent to do me a pocket breakfast.
45
00:02:56,480 --> 00:02:59,240
What's a pocket breakfast?
John, have you heard that?
46
00:02:59,240 --> 00:03:03,040
I've just landed the lead role
in a radio play!
47
00:03:03,040 --> 00:03:05,640
It's not the lead role,
it's literally two lines.
48
00:03:05,640 --> 00:03:07,840
What's a pocket breakfast?
Two lines?
49
00:03:07,840 --> 00:03:09,880
Well, that's something
we'll have to discuss.
50
00:03:09,880 --> 00:03:13,160
No, it really is just two lines.
They're written down there.
51
00:03:13,160 --> 00:03:16,120
Oh, I'll just get my reading glasses.
52
00:03:16,120 --> 00:03:19,800
Erm... Oh, it's not those. Erm...
53
00:03:22,040 --> 00:03:23,960
It's definitely not those.
54
00:03:27,320 --> 00:03:28,840
Here they are.
55
00:03:35,400 --> 00:03:36,560
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
56
00:03:42,360 --> 00:03:46,160
Which ones are these then? I'll read
it! I'll read it. For God's sake.
57
00:03:46,160 --> 00:03:47,640
Right, you just have to say,
58
00:03:47,640 --> 00:03:50,040
"I'm sorry,"
and "Goodbye, Samantha."
59
00:03:50,040 --> 00:03:54,120
That sounds doable. I'm sorry, Sarah.
60
00:03:54,120 --> 00:03:57,920
What was the other one?
No, Samantha. No, Samantha!
61
00:03:57,920 --> 00:04:01,920
It's "Goodbye, Sarah"...
Goodbye, Sarah! Sorry, Samantha.
62
00:04:01,920 --> 00:04:05,560
You said Sarah.
Sorry, Samantha, you said Sarah! No!
63
00:04:05,560 --> 00:04:08,600
It's a bigger part than you had me
believe. No, it's not.
64
00:04:08,600 --> 00:04:13,120
It is just two lines, "I'm sorry..."
Nothing for you to be sorry about.
65
00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:15,880
It's their fault
for not making it clearer!
66
00:04:15,880 --> 00:04:18,400
That's the line,
that's what you have...
67
00:04:18,400 --> 00:04:20,400
MOBILE RINGTONE OF A CHOIR SINGING
68
00:04:21,400 --> 00:04:26,040
Hello? Oh, hello, Sheila.
Bulent, I want to change me order.
69
00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:29,840
I'll have a pocket breakfast. We're
not supposed to be meeting, are we?
70
00:04:29,840 --> 00:04:33,640
No, no, nothing like that. Have you
heard about Ronald Harrison?
71
00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:36,480
Oh, he's not won another
bloody award, has he?
72
00:04:36,480 --> 00:04:40,000
Oh, God, that's so unfair!
Did you read his last one, Sheila?
73
00:04:40,000 --> 00:04:44,600
I couldn't finish it. Oh, God, I
hate him. And he's younger than me.
74
00:04:44,600 --> 00:04:46,880
He's had a massive heart attack.
75
00:04:46,880 --> 00:04:49,480
Oh, that's awful!
76
00:04:49,480 --> 00:04:54,880
He's just won that award! Oh, that's
so unfair. I must finish his book.
77
00:04:54,880 --> 00:04:58,240
A heart attack?
But he's younger than me.
78
00:04:58,240 --> 00:05:01,640
It happened while he was doing a
photo shoot for an Observer profile.
79
00:05:01,640 --> 00:05:03,400
Oh, for f... Oh!
80
00:05:04,760 --> 00:05:07,720
I thought you should know in case
you want to send a card.
81
00:05:07,720 --> 00:05:12,160
Yes, of course. Thank you, Sheila.
Thank you. Sorry, John?
82
00:05:12,160 --> 00:05:16,000
Could I just borrow your newspaper
a minute? You all right?
83
00:05:16,000 --> 00:05:20,240
Yeah, just a bit poleaxed.
It's a writer, Ronald Harrison.
84
00:05:20,240 --> 00:05:24,080
Was a friend of mine.
Apparently he had a heart attack.
85
00:05:24,080 --> 00:05:26,120
There's nothing about it in here.
86
00:05:29,360 --> 00:05:31,480
This is some sort of horse
newspaper.
87
00:05:33,320 --> 00:05:34,880
It's the Racing Post.
88
00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:40,680
Here you go. Ronald Harrison.
89
00:05:40,680 --> 00:05:45,560
Yeah. He looks like an old
boyfriend of mine. Really?
90
00:05:45,560 --> 00:05:50,640
Huh, well, that's...
That's your type? Not anymore.
91
00:05:50,640 --> 00:05:54,080
He was one of these big babies,
wanted to be taken care of,
92
00:05:54,080 --> 00:05:57,440
needed a mum, not a girlfriend.
Oh, I hate that, yeah.
93
00:05:57,440 --> 00:06:01,160
I bet Ronald's like that as well.
Yeah. Just a big baby.
94
00:06:01,160 --> 00:06:04,640
(BABY VOICE) Just wants somebody to
take care of him. Hmm.
95
00:06:04,640 --> 00:06:07,480
Especially now he's had his heart
attack. Oh, yes, I'm so sorry.
96
00:06:07,480 --> 00:06:09,120
I keep on forgetting.
97
00:06:09,120 --> 00:06:10,760
What is this? What is this?!
98
00:06:11,760 --> 00:06:14,880
'Harrison says the experience has
made him re-evaluate his life
99
00:06:14,880 --> 00:06:18,240
'and his next book will be
a portrait of his father.'
100
00:06:18,240 --> 00:06:23,240
(WHINING) He can't do that! He can't
do a portrait of his father!
101
00:06:23,240 --> 00:06:25,640
I'm doing of portrait of MY father!
102
00:06:25,640 --> 00:06:28,400
He's not writing about your father,
is he? Well, are you sure?
103
00:06:28,400 --> 00:06:32,720
Cos I wouldn't put it past him.
Oh, God, I don't believe this.
104
00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:38,400
Here, Eggy, get a load of this. I'm
doing a play on the radio. No! Yes!
105
00:06:38,400 --> 00:06:41,600
This is it, Eggy, my comeback.
Just two lines!
106
00:06:41,600 --> 00:06:43,680
When do we get to hear it?
107
00:06:43,680 --> 00:06:46,160
Unfortunately, they have
not furnished me
108
00:06:46,160 --> 00:06:48,680
with the dates of transmission,
but as soon as...
109
00:06:48,680 --> 00:06:51,920
Oh, for crying out loud!
What's wrong?
110
00:06:51,920 --> 00:06:55,240
I've got to be at home this
afternoon. I'm expecting a delivery.
111
00:06:55,240 --> 00:06:59,680
John, what are you doing today? Can
you wait in at mine for a delivery?
112
00:06:59,680 --> 00:07:01,640
Sorry, Arthur, I've got pilates.
113
00:07:03,400 --> 00:07:07,000
What about you? What are you doing
today? Writing, working.
114
00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:09,560
I've got to write up all my notes.
You can do that at my house.
115
00:07:09,560 --> 00:07:10,760
No, Arthur.
116
00:07:10,760 --> 00:07:13,480
I'm sorry, but I need a certain
environment to work,
117
00:07:13,480 --> 00:07:17,880
and your house is not that.
Please, Michael! No! Definitely not.
118
00:07:17,880 --> 00:07:22,920
Oh, go on. Oh, all right then,
I will. I need to get changed.
119
00:07:22,920 --> 00:07:28,600
I'll see you back at mine
in ten minutes, all right? Ooorgh!
120
00:07:28,600 --> 00:07:30,280
Radio play!
121
00:07:31,720 --> 00:07:32,960
BUZZER
122
00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:34,720
I'm coming! I'm coming.
123
00:07:39,520 --> 00:07:40,680
Oh.
124
00:07:43,400 --> 00:07:46,360
What's up with your door?
It's sticking at the bottom. Ow!
125
00:07:46,360 --> 00:07:48,760
I keep meaning to get me plane out
and take a bit off it.
126
00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:51,920
In fact, you could do that for me
while you're waiting if you want.
127
00:07:51,920 --> 00:07:55,480
I'm writing up my notes, Arthur,
I'm not going to plane your door.
128
00:07:55,480 --> 00:07:57,600
Ooph.
129
00:07:57,600 --> 00:08:01,520
Ow! Where's the sofa?
It's what you're waiting in for.
130
00:08:01,520 --> 00:08:04,720
I've had to get a new one.
Where am I supposed to sit?
131
00:08:04,720 --> 00:08:08,160
How am I supposed to work?
The sofa people won't be long.
132
00:08:08,160 --> 00:08:12,960
They said somewhere between 12 and 5.
I'm never going to finish this book.
133
00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:14,800
Here, this will cheer you up.
134
00:08:14,800 --> 00:08:19,200
I'll show you the letter your dad
and me got from Elvis Presley. What?
135
00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:23,120
What did you say?
It's in here somewhere.
136
00:08:23,120 --> 00:08:27,320
You have a letter from Elvis Presley
to my dad? Yeah. He was a big fan.
137
00:08:27,320 --> 00:08:31,080
Elvis Presley was a fan of my dad?
And me.
138
00:08:31,080 --> 00:08:34,240
We were a double act, remember.
Don't be rewriting me out of history.
139
00:08:34,240 --> 00:08:36,280
Wait a second,
I want to get this right.
140
00:08:36,280 --> 00:08:41,240
You have a letter from Elvis Presley
to my dad? THE Elvis Presley? Yeah.
141
00:08:41,240 --> 00:08:43,760
Hand written. Oh, my God!
142
00:08:43,760 --> 00:08:48,960
This is the thing that'll bring
the book to life! Oh, take that,
143
00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:52,240
Ronald bloody Harrison, although I'm
sorry about your heart attack.
144
00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:55,560
May I? Help yourself. I think
it's in that box. Thank you.
145
00:08:55,560 --> 00:08:58,480
Thank you, Arthur.
Ta-ta, Michael. Thanks again.
146
00:09:03,080 --> 00:09:04,880
There's no letter in here.
147
00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:14,240
Ugh...
148
00:09:17,360 --> 00:09:20,560
I can't thank you enough, Arthur.
I was really in a bind.
149
00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:24,160
Oh, no, no, no. Not at all.
Only too happy to help.
150
00:09:24,160 --> 00:09:27,320
You're saying
all these biscuits are free?
151
00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:31,760
Well, er... Yes, yes.
152
00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:42,440
Arthur, this is Luke,
who's playing Paul, our leading man.
153
00:09:42,440 --> 00:09:46,000
Luke, this is Arthur. Hello, Arthur.
Delighted to meet you.
154
00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:51,200
Another day, another job, eh?
Oh, yes. Oh, jobs, jobs, jobs.
155
00:09:51,200 --> 00:09:55,280
I've got so many jobs.
Big jobs as well.
156
00:09:55,280 --> 00:09:58,920
I've got massive,
big jobs coming out me ears!
157
00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:05,960
That's impressive.
Who's your agent? Michael Baker.
158
00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:10,760
I might get his number off you
later. Hi. Hello. Ah.
159
00:10:10,760 --> 00:10:13,920
Arthur, this is Rachael Goodwin.
Oh, thank goodness for that.
160
00:10:13,920 --> 00:10:16,040
Get the kettle on, love, I'm gasping.
161
00:10:17,760 --> 00:10:22,800
Our director. She's directing
the piece. Hi. Ha-ha! Ho-ho! I know!
162
00:10:22,800 --> 00:10:27,040
I was only pulling your leg. I know
women don't make tea for men anymore.
163
00:10:27,040 --> 00:10:30,200
And if you ask me,
it's a disgrace they ever had to!
164
00:10:31,560 --> 00:10:34,560
Thank you so much
for helping us out, Arthur.
165
00:10:34,560 --> 00:10:37,280
We only have
Dame Agnes for a few hours.
166
00:10:37,280 --> 00:10:40,760
Have you had a chance to read
the play? I haven't, no. Have you?
167
00:10:42,400 --> 00:10:45,320
Well, I wrote it. Did you?
168
00:10:45,320 --> 00:10:48,920
I should just say now,
I won't do anything blue.
169
00:10:48,920 --> 00:10:52,720
Unless, of course,
my fee was adjusted to reflect this
170
00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:56,760
potentially exciting new direction
for my career you're suggesting.
171
00:10:58,480 --> 00:11:01,440
Rachael, are you all right to get
on? Thanks, Colin, yes.
172
00:11:01,440 --> 00:11:04,400
I'll take it from here. OK.
173
00:11:04,400 --> 00:11:07,880
Let me introduce you to the last
members of our merry band.
174
00:11:07,880 --> 00:11:11,560
Jennifer Mallison
and of course Dame Agnes. Of course.
175
00:11:11,560 --> 00:11:15,280
Very pleased to meet you, Dame Agnes.
I'm not Dame Agnes.
176
00:11:15,280 --> 00:11:18,600
Oh, of course, of course.
You'd be much older, wouldn't you?
177
00:11:19,960 --> 00:11:21,680
This must be her now.
178
00:11:23,560 --> 00:11:27,480
(RAISES VOICE) I say!
This must be you now!
179
00:11:28,640 --> 00:11:31,280
I can hear you perfectly well,
Arthur.
180
00:11:31,280 --> 00:11:35,880
Have you got some sort of device?
I'm sorry?
181
00:11:35,880 --> 00:11:37,480
(RAISES VOICE) For your hearing!
182
00:11:37,480 --> 00:11:41,200
No. There's nothing wrong
with my hearing. Here!
183
00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:44,600
She was trying to pass herself off
as you, you know. I wasn't!
184
00:11:44,600 --> 00:11:46,280
She didn't fool me, though.
185
00:11:46,280 --> 00:11:49,040
I can always tell
when someone's been ennobled.
186
00:11:49,040 --> 00:11:53,160
They have a grace, don't they?
An innate grace.
187
00:11:53,160 --> 00:11:55,520
(LOUDLY) She's not got it.
188
00:11:55,520 --> 00:11:57,800
Will you please stop shouting,
Arthur,
189
00:11:57,800 --> 00:12:00,120
we can all you hear you
perfectly well.
190
00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:01,440
Oh, right.
191
00:12:04,320 --> 00:12:08,920
I'm sorry, but...are any of you
going to make the tea?
192
00:12:14,560 --> 00:12:16,280
BANGING AND CRASHING
193
00:12:23,440 --> 00:12:25,600
Ohhh...
194
00:12:25,600 --> 00:12:27,480
Nothing!
195
00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:32,360
My hypothesis,
and it's only a hypothesis,
196
00:12:32,360 --> 00:12:35,920
is that what we're dealing with here
is a morality play.
197
00:12:35,920 --> 00:12:38,800
Yeah, that's precisely what
I was going for.
198
00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:42,200
With each character representing
a different vice.
199
00:12:43,320 --> 00:12:47,440
Pride, as seen in Paul,
our manipulative lothario.
200
00:12:47,440 --> 00:12:51,480
Penelope, whose vanity manifests
itself in everything she says
201
00:12:51,480 --> 00:12:54,800
and does, and Samantha,
the mother,
202
00:12:54,800 --> 00:12:59,000
whose greed and despair
ultimately lead to her downfall.
203
00:13:00,560 --> 00:13:01,880
Bang on!
204
00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:09,440
Sorry? I'm just agreeing with the...
hippopotamus.
205
00:13:11,640 --> 00:13:15,200
Although I have yet,
as I say, to read the play.
206
00:13:17,080 --> 00:13:19,720
Does anyone have any questions
so far?
207
00:13:19,720 --> 00:13:25,480
Oh. Yes, Arthur? Um, viz a viz
the lunch situation...
208
00:13:25,480 --> 00:13:28,600
I'm afraid it's up to individuals
to sort out their own lunch.
209
00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:31,240
I was actually...
I find that very surprising.
210
00:13:31,240 --> 00:13:34,920
Last time I worked for the BBC
they had a running buffet.
211
00:13:34,920 --> 00:13:37,280
Any questions on the play
is what I mean.
212
00:13:37,280 --> 00:13:41,200
Rachael, my character, tell me
if this is way off, but I see him
213
00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:45,360
as...barely able to
contain his sexuality.
214
00:13:45,360 --> 00:13:50,040
He could erupt at any moment.
He's like a carnal...Vesuvius.
215
00:13:51,320 --> 00:13:54,680
A carnal Vesuvius. Ooh, I love that!
216
00:13:54,680 --> 00:13:57,400
Oh, yes,
that's a wonderful image for us all
217
00:13:57,400 --> 00:13:59,560
to keep in our minds as we proceed.
218
00:13:59,560 --> 00:14:01,480
Dame Agnes,
how do you see your character?
219
00:14:01,480 --> 00:14:04,280
I went home with a whole salmon!
220
00:14:05,920 --> 00:14:10,200
I'm sorry? From the buffet.
221
00:14:10,200 --> 00:14:14,640
Must have weighed 20lbs.
I was eating it for days.
222
00:14:14,640 --> 00:14:16,160
Yes?
223
00:14:16,160 --> 00:14:19,560
Hmm! Dame Agnes, any single image?
224
00:14:19,560 --> 00:14:24,560
Salmon for me breakfast, salmon for
me dinner, salmon for me sodding tea.
225
00:14:24,560 --> 00:14:27,200
I was sick of the sight
of the bloody thing in the end.
226
00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:31,080
Staring at me with those cold,
accusing eyes.
227
00:14:31,080 --> 00:14:34,440
In the end, I had no option
but to flush it down the toilet.
228
00:14:37,680 --> 00:14:41,200
Dame Agnes, an image?
229
00:14:41,200 --> 00:14:45,160
I'm sorry, Rachael, all
I can see is a salmon in a toilet.
230
00:14:47,560 --> 00:14:51,760
Is she a bit like that?
Like a salmon trapped in a toilet?
231
00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:55,200
No, she's not like that! Not at all.
232
00:14:55,200 --> 00:14:57,040
Can you come back to me?
233
00:14:57,040 --> 00:15:01,240
Jennifer, how about you?
Well... Like Free Willy.
234
00:15:03,680 --> 00:15:08,400
Except, instead of a live whale,
it was a dead salmon.
235
00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:12,000
And instead of a little boy being
jumped over, it was me flushing...
236
00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:16,120
Will you stop talking about
the salmon?! Stop talking about it!
237
00:15:16,120 --> 00:15:17,320
Just stop it!
238
00:15:23,920 --> 00:15:26,760
Who's Colonel Vesuvius?
239
00:15:37,480 --> 00:15:38,560
Aaagh!
240
00:15:38,560 --> 00:15:39,880
LOUD CRASH
241
00:15:42,320 --> 00:15:43,960
HE GROANS
242
00:15:49,160 --> 00:15:51,720
AAAAARRRGH!
243
00:15:51,720 --> 00:15:54,640
SCREAMING CONTINUES
244
00:15:57,960 --> 00:16:01,680
Paul, what are you doing here? Your
mother invited me for the weekend.
245
00:16:01,680 --> 00:16:05,120
Why? Don't look so shocked, darling.
It's all perfectly innocent.
246
00:16:05,120 --> 00:16:08,760
Samantha, would you rub some oil
on my back? I'm turning into a crisp.
247
00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:13,120
I'm...going to my room. Hurry,
Samantha! All right, I'm coming.
248
00:16:13,120 --> 00:16:15,040
Are you going to
leave your trousers on?
249
00:16:15,040 --> 00:16:18,640
I guess I could slip into my trunks.
I am on holiday.
250
00:16:18,640 --> 00:16:21,160
LOUD UNZIPPING
251
00:16:21,160 --> 00:16:23,920
Goodness, look at you! What?
252
00:16:23,920 --> 00:16:26,280
Oh, I suppose they are a bit snug.
253
00:16:26,280 --> 00:16:28,720
Ahem! Some privacy, please!
254
00:16:28,720 --> 00:16:32,520
Spoilsport! Sorry, Rachael,
I don't understand this bit.
255
00:16:32,520 --> 00:16:35,880
It seems very coy of him
suddenly to ask her to turn around.
256
00:16:39,680 --> 00:16:44,520
Everything else has been...
freighted with sexuality...
257
00:16:44,520 --> 00:16:48,800
and then he wants some privacy to
put his trunks on.
258
00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:51,440
I, um...I don't get it.
259
00:16:51,440 --> 00:16:52,600
Um... Well...
260
00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:54,120
CUTLERY CLATTERS
261
00:16:54,120 --> 00:16:59,880
Even Paul has limits...
and here he's...
262
00:16:59,880 --> 00:17:02,280
exercising his power by...
263
00:17:03,800 --> 00:17:06,040
..arbitrarily enforcing
those limits.
264
00:17:06,040 --> 00:17:07,560
Er, I see.
265
00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:09,840
And you don't want everybody
staring at you
266
00:17:09,840 --> 00:17:12,360
when your landing gear's
descending.
267
00:17:15,840 --> 00:17:19,160
Let's take it back to
"I won't peek."
268
00:17:20,160 --> 00:17:22,480
All right, I won't peek, I promise.
269
00:17:22,480 --> 00:17:24,880
UNDERPANTS WHIP OFF
270
00:17:24,880 --> 00:17:26,560
You can turn around now.
271
00:17:26,560 --> 00:17:27,640
SHE GASPS
272
00:17:27,640 --> 00:17:30,640
Dear me!
How do you keep in such good shape?
273
00:17:30,640 --> 00:17:33,960
Oh, you know, swimming,
squat thrusts...
274
00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:35,760
ARTHUR: Squat thrusts.
275
00:17:37,800 --> 00:17:39,960
I'm getting a glass of water.
276
00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:41,120
HE CHOMPS LOUDLY
277
00:17:41,120 --> 00:17:43,960
Paul, I need to see you.
278
00:17:43,960 --> 00:17:47,600
You're seeing me now. You know what
I mean. Do I? Stop playing games!
279
00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:50,680
I'm not playing games, I honestly
don't know what you're talking about.
280
00:17:50,680 --> 00:17:54,720
I'm talking about us!
Us? There is no us.
281
00:17:54,720 --> 00:17:57,480
What have you got to say
about that then?
282
00:18:04,760 --> 00:18:07,000
Michael?
283
00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:09,880
I brought you lunch, as requested.
284
00:18:12,280 --> 00:18:13,360
Michael?
285
00:18:14,400 --> 00:18:15,600
Michael?
286
00:18:16,720 --> 00:18:18,040
< Ohhh...
287
00:18:18,040 --> 00:18:19,480
Michael?
288
00:18:27,560 --> 00:18:28,960
DOORBELL BUZZES
289
00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:30,800
That'll be the sofa.
290
00:18:32,160 --> 00:18:36,040
Get away from me! You're nothing but
a philandering liar. How dare you?
291
00:18:36,040 --> 00:18:39,520
How dare you call me a philandering
liar? You knew what the score was.
292
00:18:39,520 --> 00:18:41,080
Don't pretend you didn't.
293
00:18:41,080 --> 00:18:45,240
No, don't go.
Kiss me. Please, please kiss me!
294
00:18:45,240 --> 00:18:46,800
It's over, Samantha.
295
00:18:47,920 --> 00:18:50,800
Very well, if I can't have you,
no-one else will.
296
00:18:50,800 --> 00:18:52,240
GUNSHOTS
297
00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:53,680
Agh!
298
00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:57,720
You fool! You stupid fool!
299
00:18:57,720 --> 00:18:58,760
HE GROANS
300
00:18:58,760 --> 00:19:01,640
Mother! What have you done?
301
00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:04,320
He's...dead.
302
00:19:04,320 --> 00:19:08,680
Oh, darling, darling, I'm sorry!
I loved him! I loved him so.
303
00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:11,880
So did I, Mummy. So did I.
304
00:19:11,880 --> 00:19:14,400
BOTH WEEP AND WAIL
305
00:19:19,160 --> 00:19:20,240
It'll be all right.
306
00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:26,120
Let's take a break.
Thank you so much, everyone.
307
00:19:26,120 --> 00:19:28,680
Arthur,
shall we record your lines now?
308
00:19:29,840 --> 00:19:32,920
Just speak clearly
into the microphone.
309
00:19:32,920 --> 00:19:35,040
I'm sorry?
310
00:19:35,040 --> 00:19:36,360
And the other one.
311
00:19:37,480 --> 00:19:40,480
The other one? The other line.
312
00:19:40,480 --> 00:19:42,600
Goodbye, Samantha.
313
00:19:42,600 --> 00:19:45,760
Great, thanks, Arthur.
That's all we need from you today.
314
00:19:49,320 --> 00:19:50,880
Was that not just the rehearsal?
315
00:19:50,880 --> 00:19:53,240
No, you only appear in flashback,
and we've got it now,
316
00:19:53,240 --> 00:19:54,520
so we can just drop it in.
317
00:19:54,520 --> 00:19:56,880
Oh! Oh, right.
318
00:19:56,880 --> 00:20:00,360
And that's lunch! We've got a
shorter than usual lunch break today
319
00:20:00,360 --> 00:20:03,240
because Dame Agnes
has to be away by four.
320
00:20:03,240 --> 00:20:06,200
Sorry, everyone,
crisis meeting with my publisher.
321
00:20:06,200 --> 00:20:09,240
Simply got to find a title for my
autobiography. God!
322
00:20:09,240 --> 00:20:11,640
So don't go too far.
323
00:20:11,640 --> 00:20:13,520
Thanks again, Arthur.
324
00:20:15,080 --> 00:20:19,280
Well done, Arthur.
Fancy a spot of lunch?
325
00:20:19,280 --> 00:20:22,560
Oh, that's very generous of you.
Thank you!
326
00:20:22,560 --> 00:20:25,880
There's a pub across the road.
Oh, no, I mustn't go to the pub.
327
00:20:25,880 --> 00:20:29,080
When I'm working, I'm on the wagon.
Made that mistake too many times.
328
00:20:29,080 --> 00:20:33,560
Oh, go on, I'll look after you.
You can have an orange juice. Hm...
329
00:20:33,560 --> 00:20:36,760
No, really, I...
really, really mustn't.
330
00:20:36,760 --> 00:20:40,680
Her name was Lola,
she was a showgirl
331
00:20:40,680 --> 00:20:44,760
Yellow feathers in her hair
and a dress cut down to there
332
00:20:44,760 --> 00:20:49,000
She could merengue
and do the cha cha...
333
00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:52,000
How could you? How could you?!
334
00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:55,480
Now, now, now, we mustn't be
too hard on him.
335
00:20:55,480 --> 00:20:57,960
He does seem to have a very
low tolerance
336
00:20:57,960 --> 00:21:00,680
for large amounts of alcohol.
337
00:21:00,680 --> 00:21:02,760
HE VOMITS
338
00:21:02,760 --> 00:21:05,760
OK, Luke, come on, let's go.
339
00:21:05,760 --> 00:21:07,720
Oh, no, no! Oh!
340
00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:10,600
Come on.
341
00:21:12,200 --> 00:21:15,160
What are we going to do? Seriously,
if anyone has an idea
342
00:21:15,160 --> 00:21:18,640
of how I can possibly rescue the
situation, please do let me know.
343
00:21:24,760 --> 00:21:27,360
And...action.
344
00:21:27,360 --> 00:21:30,240
Paul, what are you doing here?
345
00:21:30,240 --> 00:21:32,200
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT NOISILY
346
00:21:34,400 --> 00:21:37,080
Your mother invited me
for the weekend.
347
00:21:39,360 --> 00:21:43,960
Why? Don't look so shocked, darling,
it's all perfectly innocent.
348
00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:47,640
SLURRED: Samantha,
would you rub some oil on my back?
349
00:21:47,640 --> 00:21:49,600
I'm turning into some crisps.
350
00:21:52,040 --> 00:21:54,360
I'm going to my room.
351
00:21:54,360 --> 00:21:57,000
Hurry, Samantha!
All right, I'm coming!
352
00:21:57,000 --> 00:21:59,640
Are you going to
leave your trousers on?
353
00:21:59,640 --> 00:22:03,560
I guess I can slip into my trunks.
I am on me holidays.
354
00:22:05,520 --> 00:22:08,440
Goodness! Look at you!
355
00:22:08,440 --> 00:22:11,720
What?
Oh, I suppose they are a bit snug.
356
00:22:11,720 --> 00:22:17,400
I've never been one for boxing
shorts. I prefer a little bit of...
357
00:22:19,120 --> 00:22:21,400
If you know what I mean, Dame Agnes.
358
00:22:21,400 --> 00:22:23,120
Ohhh...
359
00:22:23,120 --> 00:22:27,240
Some privacy, please.
Spoilsport!
360
00:22:27,240 --> 00:22:30,160
All right, I won't peek, I promise.
361
00:22:32,400 --> 00:22:36,800
Paul, now Penelope's gone,
I can ask you, what's going on?
362
00:22:36,800 --> 00:22:38,720
Why are you here?
363
00:22:38,720 --> 00:22:41,160
HE BAWLS: Oh, come on, Samantha!
364
00:22:41,160 --> 00:22:43,600
We both know why I'm here.
365
00:22:43,600 --> 00:22:47,160
I've always been able to tell
when a wom-m-m-man wants me.
366
00:22:49,280 --> 00:22:52,200
You... You can turn round now.
367
00:22:53,640 --> 00:22:58,040
Dear me!
How do you keep in such good shape?
368
00:22:58,040 --> 00:22:59,960
Oh, you know...
369
00:22:59,960 --> 00:23:04,440
Swimming, squat thrusts,
getting a glass of water...
370
00:23:05,680 --> 00:23:08,960
Oh, that's...! No!
I'm getting a glass of water!
371
00:23:14,400 --> 00:23:16,320
I need to see you.
372
00:23:21,880 --> 00:23:23,840
You're seeing me now!
373
00:23:23,840 --> 00:23:25,560
You know what I mean!
374
00:23:25,560 --> 00:23:29,040
Do I? Stop playing games!
375
00:23:30,240 --> 00:23:31,920
I'm not playing games!
376
00:23:31,920 --> 00:23:35,000
I-II honestly don't know
what you're talking about.
377
00:23:36,480 --> 00:23:38,360
I'm talking about us!
378
00:23:40,160 --> 00:23:42,000
There is no us.
379
00:23:43,680 --> 00:23:45,960
She's not right in the head!
380
00:23:53,200 --> 00:23:56,600
What were you doing down there
anyway?
381
00:23:56,600 --> 00:24:00,400
I was looking for a fan letter
Elvis Presley wrote my dad.
382
00:24:00,400 --> 00:24:02,240
Elvis Presley was a fan
of your dad?
383
00:24:02,240 --> 00:24:03,880
Apparently.
384
00:24:03,880 --> 00:24:05,520
I thought it might help the book.
385
00:24:05,520 --> 00:24:08,720
All this
because of Ronald bloody Harrison.
386
00:24:08,720 --> 00:24:12,000
Every time he does something,
I have to go one better.
387
00:24:12,000 --> 00:24:15,920
It just goes on and on,
back and forth, like ping...
388
00:24:17,800 --> 00:24:19,240
..pong...
389
00:24:20,840 --> 00:24:23,280
I'll be mo...
390
00:24:23,280 --> 00:24:24,600
I'll be mother.
391
00:24:25,920 --> 00:24:29,520
I'm not normally like this, you
know. I am usually quite capable.
392
00:24:30,960 --> 00:24:33,480
It's Arthur.
Arthur's done this to me.
393
00:24:35,080 --> 00:24:37,360
Arthur's turned me into a baby.
394
00:24:37,360 --> 00:24:39,800
CHORAL RINGTONE
395
00:24:39,800 --> 00:24:41,640
Hello?
396
00:24:43,280 --> 00:24:47,240
My client got your client drunk?
I don't have a...
397
00:24:48,240 --> 00:24:49,280
..client.
398
00:24:50,640 --> 00:24:53,680
No, don't go! Kiss me! Please!
399
00:24:53,680 --> 00:24:55,520
Please kiss me!
400
00:24:58,760 --> 00:25:00,680
We've got all this to do!
401
00:25:03,880 --> 00:25:05,080
After.
402
00:25:07,360 --> 00:25:11,760
It's over, Dame Agnes.
I mean, Susan! Sarah! Samantha!
403
00:25:13,320 --> 00:25:16,120
Very well, if I can't have you,
no-one else will.
404
00:25:16,120 --> 00:25:19,080
Aaarrgh! You fool!
You've shot me!
405
00:25:19,080 --> 00:25:20,600
GUNSHOT
406
00:25:23,400 --> 00:25:25,720
Mother! What have you done?
407
00:25:25,720 --> 00:25:29,760
Aaaarrgh! Urrrgh! Nnnngh!
408
00:25:29,760 --> 00:25:31,760
Oooooeeerrrgh!
409
00:25:31,760 --> 00:25:33,640
He's...
410
00:25:33,640 --> 00:25:36,200
Wuurrrrgggh! Aaaaarrrgh!
411
00:25:36,200 --> 00:25:39,320
Ooooorrrgh!
412
00:25:39,320 --> 00:25:41,680
Urrrgh...
413
00:25:41,680 --> 00:25:43,160
Mother, what have you...?
414
00:25:43,160 --> 00:25:46,640
Uuuurrgh!
415
00:25:46,640 --> 00:25:50,240
Aaaauuurrgh! Uuurgh! Aaaaagh!
416
00:25:50,240 --> 00:25:53,720
Uuunnggghhh...
417
00:25:53,720 --> 00:25:56,480
He's...
Wuuurrrghhh!
418
00:26:01,280 --> 00:26:02,960
He's dead.
419
00:26:02,960 --> 00:26:06,560
Oh, darling, darling, I'm sorry!
I loved him! I loved him so...
420
00:26:07,600 --> 00:26:11,080
So did I, Mummy. So did I.
421
00:26:11,080 --> 00:26:14,240
BOTH WEEP AND WAIL
422
00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:15,880
Uuunnngh...
423
00:26:17,040 --> 00:26:19,600
Aaaaahhh... Uuunnngh...
424
00:26:19,600 --> 00:26:21,400
Uuurrgh!
425
00:26:22,680 --> 00:26:24,680
Bluuugggh!
426
00:26:27,880 --> 00:26:29,600
Unnghh...
427
00:26:35,280 --> 00:26:36,520
CORK POPS
428
00:26:36,520 --> 00:26:37,680
ALL CHEER
429
00:26:37,680 --> 00:26:39,600
Shush! It's about to start.
430
00:26:39,600 --> 00:26:43,360
There you go, Arthur. Oh, goodness
me! It's a double celebration.
431
00:26:43,360 --> 00:26:46,840
Sinem liked the chapters
I showed her. Very good!
432
00:26:46,840 --> 00:26:49,680
Oh, I forgot to say, I loved that
story about the ping-pong table.
433
00:26:49,680 --> 00:26:53,040
So funny! Oh, your poor dad.
434
00:26:53,040 --> 00:26:56,080
Yeah... Yeah, poor Dad.
435
00:26:56,080 --> 00:26:59,200
Must have been a nightmare living
with someone that competitive.
436
00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:02,280
Not really. It's just who he was.
437
00:27:02,280 --> 00:27:04,120
Oh, here, I meant to ask you.
438
00:27:04,120 --> 00:27:06,720
Did you find that letter
from Elvis Presley?
439
00:27:06,720 --> 00:27:09,760
No, Arthur. I looked and looked
but no sign of it.
440
00:27:09,760 --> 00:27:14,280
I guess it's just one of those
that history swallowed up.
441
00:27:14,280 --> 00:27:19,240
No, not Elvis Presley. I'm always
doing that. The other one...
442
00:27:19,240 --> 00:27:21,960
Half A Sixpence. Tommy Steele!
443
00:27:28,560 --> 00:27:33,840
Never mind. It's starting!
Who are you playing, Arthur? Paul.
444
00:27:33,840 --> 00:27:36,000
You can't miss me.
I'm in right from the beginning.
445
00:27:36,000 --> 00:27:38,960
'Paul! What are you doing here?
446
00:27:38,960 --> 00:27:41,280
LUKE: 'Your mother invited
me for the weekend.
447
00:27:41,280 --> 00:27:43,720
'Why? Don't look so shocked,
darling,
448
00:27:43,720 --> 00:27:45,640
'it's all perfectly innocent.
449
00:27:45,640 --> 00:27:50,440
'Samantha, would you rub some oil on
my back? I'm turning into a crisp.
450
00:27:50,440 --> 00:27:55,400
'I'm going to my room.' I don't
understand. I thought you were...
451
00:27:55,400 --> 00:27:58,280
Didn't you say you were
playing Paul?
452
00:27:58,280 --> 00:28:00,760
That young fellow must have
recovered.
453
00:28:00,760 --> 00:28:03,960
They must have recorded it
after I left.
454
00:28:03,960 --> 00:28:06,800
Oh, well, it's for the best,
I suppose.
455
00:28:06,800 --> 00:28:08,640
Don't know what I was thinking.
456
00:28:08,640 --> 00:28:12,080
Can't take a young lad's job, can I?
457
00:28:12,080 --> 00:28:16,080
He's got his whole career ahead
of him, not like me.
458
00:28:16,080 --> 00:28:19,320
I'm yesterday's news.
459
00:28:19,320 --> 00:28:22,840
'I'll never forget his last words
to me.
460
00:28:22,840 --> 00:28:25,120
ARTHUR: 'I'm sorry?
461
00:28:25,120 --> 00:28:26,760
'Goodbye, Samantha!'
462
00:28:26,760 --> 00:28:28,280
ALL CHEER
463
00:28:30,480 --> 00:28:33,520
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
464
00:28:33,570 --> 00:28:38,120
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