Original subtitles

( music playing )

( overlapping chattering )

Woman: Mothers against picketing!

Please sign.

Man: Free the whales.

Man #2: Incarcerate the whales.

I gotta--

Okay, whoa.

Man #3: Gay marriage.

Gay divorce.

Woman #2: Make petitioning illegal!

Hi, can I help you?

- Hmm. - Oh!

- The pickles. - Oh, the pickles.

Yeah, those are good.

- There you go. - Thank you.

Oh, by the way, I'm giving 50% off Brazilian,

and 75% off Ecuadorians.

- Yeah, no. - Okay, so, the wax is curdling.

So I've got to get to it real, real fast.

So if you want to bring your mom, I can do that.

I love mother and daughter stuff!

Man: Harder.

Mm, really. I thought I was doing it hard, okay.

Harder.

Well, you are making me work for it, huh?

Harder.

All right, here I go.

( yelps )

Oh, wow. That was a good release, wasn't it?

- Okay, all right. That's good. - ( moaning )

Okay, you know what? You're gonna need to drink some water.

Lots of it.

What is this?

This is your office.

Bobbie: Yeah, well, it is now.

You see, the Whole Foods, they kicked me out

while I was giving detox colonics

very close to the soup tureens.

- Oh, my gosh. - ( man moans )

Is he okay?

- He doesn't seem okay. - No, he's fine. He's fine, really.

Just relax. Oh, Wray, here.

You pick yourself out a spa package.

Bobbie, have you negotiated the commercial deal?

It shoots tomorrow.

Yeah, you know what?

That thing needs a little more work,

and since I am only a convention booker...

So if you make me your TV and movie rep,

well, then, I can give you a hand.

Oh, by the way, would you give me a hand

and just flip over those links?

Starting to smell like an orphanage fire.

Is this yours too?

Oh, by the way, I have been hustling for you, sir, yeah.

I have got a hot scoop.

Which coincidentally is a procedure I had done last June.

- ( moans ) - What is wrong with--

Which one of these did he get?

Can-- can you-- can you feel that?

Is this at all-- can you wiggle your toes?

How about this? How about this?

Hot grease!

How about this? Hot grease!

I'm concerned.

What the hell is the Big Boy Mess?

I happen to know that the director of the commercial

is also directing a prestigious drama.

- "Doctor Cop Lawyer." - Yes, "Doctor Cop Lawyer"!

And I have got the script!

Oh, my God.

Sorry.

There's a great part in there, Dr. Richard Trimmings.

You'd be the gimpy sidekick.

- "Gimpy sidekick"? - Yeah, yeah.

- No. - And he's got a squinting eye.

- Doctor Dick Trimmings. - Mm-hmm.

- Why are all of his S's TH's? - Oh, he has a lisp.

No, squinty-eyed, lisp, limp, that is--

I want to play the lead.

Here we go.

Dr. Officer Blade Slater, Esquire.

Okay, Wray, you can't play that part.

You see, I've submitted myself for the female lead

and that would mean we'd be lovers.

Okay, you submitted yourself for the 20-something ex-dancer.

Yes, parts of me are 20-something.

Yeah, thanks to my hot scoop.

Man: Oh, my God. You're Wray Nerely.

I will see you in Hell.

You're seeing it, right now. This is Hell.

Listen, okay, whatever it takes.

You're my film agent, you're my TV agent.

Oh, my God, I thought you would never say that!

I've been waiting forever!

Why don't I just sign something? This is too much.

Okay, you know what? I'm old-fashioned, so, um...

here.

Ow!

- Yeah. - You drew blood!

Uh huh.

Ouch...

( grunts )

Through this blood, we are bound.

( thunder cracks )

You know what? That hurt.

Oh, you have really got to man up if you're gonna be Doctor Cop Lawyer.

What is "roadside discovery flavor"?

- Ugh. - Oh, those are Wray's favorite!

- Oh, okay. - You should buy a few boxes.

Ahh... ooh...

Here you go, Wray. And Gary's.

Here. Oh, ow, it's hot.

"Foal prepuce."

Aah! Pony foreskin?

No, that is not made with pony foreskin.

That's just the casing.

Plus pig anus.

Aah...

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

A real man would've swallowed.

Hey, yes.

Look, I read the script.

I love it. I can play Doctor Cop Lawyer.

Jack: You just focus on the commercial tomorrow.

You know, Diego and I did "Sea Light" together.

That was the number one movie five weeks in a row.

Dude, why don't y'all do a sequel?

Jack: I'm not doing anything until I do "Spectrum."

That's why I need you to hit the con circuit,

build a groundswell,

get these fans all excited and frothy.

( expletive ) Australians.

Frothy, buddy?

They are already froth-- ack.

They're self-- They're self-frothing.

Jack: Look, we are gonna need to make some noise

if we are gonna announce this thing

at the biggest con of the year.

- Wray? - The Shock-A-Con?

Well, we haven't been invited yet,

but it'd be the perfect place to announce the project.

Wray: Wow, that would be great, man.

Hey, you know what, buddy? I gotta go.

Yeah, I'll-- I'll talk to you tomorrow.

- Faith: Wray... - Faith: Jack...

Together: I put this letter where I knew you'd find it.

This isn't easy to say,

but I think it's time we went our separate ways.

- Please understand this is not personal. - I want to thank you for reminding me

- I've started slipping into old habits... - that I've started slipping.

The old me would never have missed a meeting.

...drinking too much, et cetera.

- It's gotten very old - Yeah, it's very old fashioned

- waking up hung over so often. - to do this in a letter.

- And I told you my old man - But you're such an old man

- has a problem himself-- - when it comes to technology.

Oh, come on! ( muttering )

Faith: Today I realized, if I'm ever going to be more than a personal assistant,

I need to make some changes.

- No, no, no, no, no. - Faith: Ah, let me see.

Blah, blah, blah, self-destructive.

Blah, blah, blah, sexual inconsistency.

- Quitting isn't the easiest. - Wray: What?

- but it is the first. - So I guess what I'm trying to say

- can be summed up in one word, - Thank you.

- "over." - It's over.

One...

two...

three...

four...

five.

"I guess what I'm trying to say can be summed up in one word,

'over.'"

It's not o-- It's not over!

It's not over. I can get her back.

She's not even gone. I don't want her back.

( sobs )

She's a bitch. We know that.

Oh, selfish.

It's me, this is me. This is what I do.

This is what I do, and I can take that!

I can own that!

Not like you, you're pointing fingers, you're gonna get fat.

You're gonna get fat, and worse, you're gonna get...

thick and stout and swollen with a big butt.

Well, look who came crawling back.

I had to pick up some stuff and drop off that letter.

You couldn't text like an adult?

You didn't finish the letter.

What?

I think, um...

"Sexual inconsistency, so I guess what I'm trying to say

can be summed up in one word, 'over.'"

Over.

Oh, oh, over.

"And that one word is, 'respect.'"

- Okay. - Respect.

- Nope. - Look.

Ahh, "still have a future together?" No.

- What about that sixth-- - Definitely not that.

- I asked for that. - Uh, no, no, and no.

- Huh? - No.

And... hard no.

Remember... Okay.

"We're...

Over."

Who's in the mood for some break-up sex?

Dale: Wray? Hello? Faith?

Ah, are you okay? I heard crying.

Wasn't me.

Oh, I see.

Here's a bra I borrowed from you.

Oh, keep it. Always looked better on you.

Take care of yourself.

- I've fixed your breaker. - Thank you.

- Wray, you gotta nut up. - Dale, you gotta--

You gotta nut up. You gotta get your nuts up.

Hey.

I did a stunt in this skirt

for the movie "The Pitfall Gamble,"

doubling Beatrice Taylor.

Rode a horse off a train into a barn fire.

No. No.

The train and the barn fire

weren't even in the stunt.

I spent nine weeks in the hospital.

The thing is, life hurts, Wray.

Woman leaves you, you feel the pain, right?

Good. Stand on that pain.

You can see further, reach higher, grab something you want.

Your balls are in the salsa.

'Cause that's what I want.

Right now, I want to get up, go home,

and towel off my scrote.

I never pegged you for a habanero guy.

I've always liked the extra spicy.

Why am I tasting garlic?

I don't-- I don't know.

Why don't you go home, Dale? Towel off your scrote.

I don't want to hear any more crying from you, okay?

Life gives you broken bones, Wray.

Uh, oh...

No, Dale.

- Dale! - Don't swaddle them in bandages...

- Dale! - and coddle them...

- What are you doing? - in plaster.

Stop-- be careful!

- Your suffering is the... - What are you doing?

- best part of you! - Jesus.

Push!

Through the pain.

And you'll get everything in life you've ever wanted.

( gasps )

( expletive )

Jesus!

( music playing )

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