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Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham,
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the capital of British Pakistan.
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They all know me.
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Do you like my suit?
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Number one, Citizen Khan.
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Once upon a Christmas time
in Sparkhill...
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..there lived a young Pakistani man
named Mr Khan.
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As well as being handsome
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and frequently mistaken
for George Clooneys,
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Mr Khan was a cheerful
sort of fellow.
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But this particular Christmas, he
was feeling a bit down in the dumps.
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Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.
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Merry Christmas!
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Merry Christmas, Mr Khan!
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I'm not a community leader
and nobody knows me.
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Hm, there's something not right
with Mr Khan.
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Mr Khan? Yes.
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You know, beard, glasses...
BLUE STAR HOIKS
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Oh, Mr Khan.
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So what do you think
is wrong with him, then?
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Well, if you ask me,
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it all goes back to when
he first moved to Sparkhill.
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The year was 1989,
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when Band Aid were top
of the Christmas charts again.
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A flight to Pakistan cost only ?149.
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?199 if you wanted an actual seat.
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And the world was Mr Khan's oyster.
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Hello, Keith!
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Hang on...
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You'll like this.
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Salman, I like him, Mr Khan.
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What? Salman, I like him.
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Salman who? Salman Rushdie?
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No. No.
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Isn't that what you Muslims say?
No.
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What do you say, then?
I need a briefcase, Keith.
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Oh, right.
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No. I don't plan on staying in
Sparkhill for ever.
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Oh, no.
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I've got big dreams, ambitions.
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I'm going to be somebody,
like Robert Maxwell.
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Whatever he can do,
I can do, too, eh?
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What about this, Mr Khan?
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It's got a vinyl finish, lots of
space for important documents.
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No, no, no, no.
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I need something that says
I'm a proper businessman,
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a mover, a shaker, huh?
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I'm Mr Khan, they'll all know me.
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How about this?
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Executive briefcase,
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genuine leather, combination locks,
brass finish.
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Not bad, huh?
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How much? No charge.
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I can't afford that!
Hang on...
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What did you say?
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Call it a wedding present.
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Ha-ha! Thank you, Keith!
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Oh, yes.
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I'll get my name on it,
huh, in gold letters.
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That is extra.
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Very generous of you, Keithy.
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I suppose, now you're married, Mrs
Khan will want a place of her own?
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Oh, Keith, Keith, Keith, Keith...
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I promised her father
I'll keep her safe and warm
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with a roof over her head.
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You get all that in a flat
above a chip shop.
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Ah, no mortgage, no ties.
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Apart from this one, hey?
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I still can't believe
we own our own home.
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Yes, I'll do all the DIYs, huh?
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Make this a home.
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Our home.
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Ah, just the two of us.
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Erm...
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The three of us. Hey?
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Toilet not work.
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Oh, I'd forgotten about you.
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Ha!
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Oh, and I have another bit of news
I need to tell you.
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Oh, me, too! Welcome, Mr Khan.
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Welcome, Riaz. Ready?
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In a minute. Mrs Khan
has got something to tell me.
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You go first.
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Well, Riaz as has given me
a tip-off
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that Mr Javed is looking for
investors for his new business.
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He's going into
the mobile phone business.
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What's a mobile phone?
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I don't know.
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Where's my briefcase?
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Ah-ha!
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Here we go.
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HE CHUCKLES
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How do I look?
Like a proper businessman.
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Wish me luck. Good luck.
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Oh, no, no. Hang on...
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What was your news?
I'll tell you later.
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00:04:54,531 --> 00:04:57,500
No, just tell me now, sweetie.
OK.
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I'm going to have a baby.
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Ah, ha-ha-ha!
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That's wonderful, wonderful,
wonderful news!
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00:05:07,780 --> 00:05:08,480
Oh, no. Hold on.
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00:05:08,506 --> 00:05:11,540
You need to have something to eat.
Have you eaten? Sit down.
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Oh, no, you can't sit on there,
but... I'm fine!
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Mr Khan, we should go.
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Riaz, I am going to be a daddy.
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Congratulations. But the Mr Javed.
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Forget Mr Javed.
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I need to make this house
a palace fit for my family.
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Nine months later, Mr Khan's
dream house was taking shape.
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Even if his business career,
just like Robert Maxwell's,
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was about to sink.
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So what's this meeting you've got,
then?
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I'm about to be a founder member
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of the Sparkhill Pakistani
Business Association.
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Wow, you're going to be like
one of them yuppies.
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Better than that, Keithy.
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I'm going to be a Pakistani yuppie.
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A "puppie"!
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Very impressive.
I'm on my way, Keith.
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Nothing and no-one can stop me now.
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Oh...!
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Hospital. Oh, twaddi!
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Are you OK?
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Once again, our handsome young
business mogul
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had his plans thwarted.
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How would Britain cope
without this man's genius?
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But thankfully, four years later,
opportunity knocked again...
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Thanks for taking me to
the bus station, Riaz. No problem.
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00:06:30,660 --> 00:06:34,860
I'm going to try and get a meeting
with Mr Alan Sugars.
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Never heard of him.
He makes rubbish computers.
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The school just called.
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Shazia has got her head
stuck in the climbing frame.
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And Naani ate beetroot.
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Need hospital. Too much gas.
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And I'm pregnant again.
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Come on.
Come on, here we go.
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And so, the handsome Mr Khan
soldiered on
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until Christmas Eve, 2016.
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When fate, in the unlikely form
of Ginger Dave,
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presented him with one more chance.
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Merry Christmas, Riaz!
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Wa'alaikum salaam.
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I said, Merry Christmas!
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For the community centre.
Oh...
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Oh, the penny drops.
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Riaz, when I said the penny drops,
I didn't literally mean a penny.
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I need the coins for the electric
meter. Oh, no, you don't. Look...
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Heh-hey...!
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Oh.
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Ah-ah-ah-ah.
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COINS RATTLE
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Thank you.
What are you collecting for?
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Who cares? Something to do with
the community centre.
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New car park, new roof,
I don't know.
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I didn't know we needed a new roof.
We don't.
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Your eyebrows are moving
up and down.
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That's because I'm trying
to tell you something
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of a slightly sensitive nature.
Oh.
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Listen, Riaz, if I can raise
enough money for this place,
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they'll have to name it after me.
Oh, that again.
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Yes, that again.
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Why shouldn't it be named after me?
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Nowadays, all buildings
are named after someone.
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You've got the Burj Khalifa,
named after President Khalifa.
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St Paul's Cathedral,
named after St Paul.
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And Windsor Castle,
named after...Barbara Windsor.
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Hello, Mr Khan.
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Oh, hello, Dave.
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Are you going to help me
with my fundraising?
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Get the community centre
a new name...new roof!
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I'd love to help, but I'm very busy.
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We're using the community centre
as a shelter for refugees
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over the Christmas period.
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We've got a cross-faith committee
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led by a rabbi, a priest
and an imam.
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Is this some kind of joke?
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What's a rabbi doing here?
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We don't have anything in common
with these people, Dave.
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Apart from snippy-snipping.
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This is charity in action, Mr Khan.
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Surely, as a fundraiser, you're
in favour of helping refugees.
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Of course.
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I think it's very important
that we welcome in
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the sad, the desperate
and the disadvantaged.
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We welcomed you, didn't we?
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Anyway, everyone knows
you're only raising money
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so you can get the community centre
named after you.
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Whereas I am not doing this
for personal recognition.
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But because, well, as a Muslim,
it's my duty to help those in need.
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MOCKINGLY: "As a Muslim,
it's my duty to help those in need."
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Although, as it turns out,
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I am going to be getting
some recognition, too. What?
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Our community centre
has been recognised by the Queen.
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I'm going to a special Christmas
dinner at Buckingham Palace tomorrow
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to receive an award.
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The Queen?!
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Buckingham Palace?!
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00:10:00,580 --> 00:10:02,180
An award?!
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00:10:02,180 --> 00:10:03,660
An award... What for?
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00:10:03,660 --> 00:10:05,820
Outstanding services
to the community.
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00:10:05,820 --> 00:10:09,380
Outstanding services
to the community?!
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00:10:09,380 --> 00:10:10,820
Yes. But... Yes?
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00:10:10,820 --> 00:10:12,420
But... But what?
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00:10:12,420 --> 00:10:13,660
But that's me!
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Mr Khan, I'm community leader,
they all know me.
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00:10:16,340 --> 00:10:17,460
Mr Khan...
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00:10:17,460 --> 00:10:19,940
Has this got anything to do with
Prince Harry?
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00:10:19,940 --> 00:10:20,980
Mr Khan...
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00:10:20,980 --> 00:10:23,220
I bet it is Prince Harry.
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00:10:23,220 --> 00:10:26,180
This is a ginger crony conspiracy!
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00:10:27,984 --> 00:10:28,900
Mr Khan...
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00:10:28,900 --> 00:10:33,820
I'll tell you what, this is nothing
short of an absolute outrage!
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00:10:33,820 --> 00:10:35,020
Mr Khan! What?
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00:10:35,020 --> 00:10:36,300
You're invited, too.
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00:10:36,300 --> 00:10:37,920
What a wonderful gesture.
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00:10:40,460 --> 00:10:42,260
Merry Christmas.
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00:10:42,260 --> 00:10:44,700
And a happy Hanukkah-schmonikka
to you, too.
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00:10:49,220 --> 00:10:51,580
Then the Queen will say,
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00:10:51,580 --> 00:10:54,020
"How do you do, Mr Khan?"
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00:10:54,020 --> 00:10:57,620
Then I'll say,
"How do you do, Your Majesty?"
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00:10:58,780 --> 00:11:01,540
Make sure you get a selfie,
then I can put it on Instagram.
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00:11:01,540 --> 00:11:03,700
and then shell get tagged by
William and Kate
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00:11:03,700 --> 00:11:05,940
and then, like,
I'll be friends with them.
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00:11:05,940 --> 00:11:08,540
Ah, sweetie,
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00:11:08,540 --> 00:11:11,260
the Queen doesn't do "selfies".
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00:11:11,260 --> 00:11:13,460
She does "onesies".
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00:11:14,860 --> 00:11:19,680
Imagine, the Queen and me
in a onesie together.
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00:11:20,780 --> 00:11:23,980
Now, that would be something,
wouldn't it? It really would.
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00:11:23,980 --> 00:11:27,020
Now, I need to create a good
impression. Where's my briefcase?
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00:11:27,020 --> 00:11:30,300
There you are. Oh, hello, darling.
Have you seen my briefcase?
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00:11:30,300 --> 00:11:32,780
Well, never mind about that.
You have to go and buy biscuits.
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00:11:32,780 --> 00:11:35,540
Shazia's brought the children round
and we've run out.
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00:11:35,540 --> 00:11:38,260
We've got lots of biscuits.
Someone ate them all.
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00:11:38,260 --> 00:11:39,860
I'm sorry.
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00:11:39,860 --> 00:11:42,360
I didn't realise you rationed them.
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00:11:44,180 --> 00:11:46,300
I was considering
issuing ration books,
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00:11:46,300 --> 00:11:48,240
but I thought you'd probably
eat those, too!
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00:11:50,140 --> 00:11:52,540
Just go.
All right, I'll go in a minute.
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00:11:52,540 --> 00:11:53,980
I need to find my briefcase first.
240
00:11:53,980 --> 00:11:56,780
And I need you to help me with the
Christmas dinner tomorrow. Yes, OK.
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00:11:56,780 --> 00:11:59,100
And at some point, you have to
go over to Mrs Malik's house
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00:11:59,100 --> 00:12:02,640
and unblock her sink. I've got
a large accumulation of fat.
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00:12:09,160 --> 00:12:10,180
You're not kidding.
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00:12:12,400 --> 00:12:14,420
Sweetie, you don't understand.
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00:12:14,420 --> 00:12:16,420
You still haven't put up
the Christmas lights
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00:12:16,420 --> 00:12:18,220
and I've been asking you to do it
for days.
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00:12:18,220 --> 00:12:19,900
But I got my hands full already.
248
00:12:19,900 --> 00:12:23,020
Dad, Amjad's off to work
and I need to feed Little Mo.
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00:12:23,020 --> 00:12:25,460
Can you change Nadia's nappy?
Oh, twadi!
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00:12:26,377 --> 00:12:27,737
Is this your briefcase, sir?
251
00:12:30,620 --> 00:12:32,180
No!
252
00:12:32,180 --> 00:12:35,700
This is Grandpa's special case!
253
00:12:35,700 --> 00:12:38,880
You mustn't stop him, Dad.
You'll stifle his creativity.
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00:12:39,620 --> 00:12:41,760
Well done, Mo. Good boy.
255
00:12:42,260 --> 00:12:44,220
What do you need
that old briefcase for, anyway?
256
00:12:44,220 --> 00:12:45,900
It's what I've been trying
to tell you.
257
00:12:45,900 --> 00:12:47,820
I've got a special dinner
in London tomorrow.
258
00:12:47,820 --> 00:12:51,420
I don't care if you're having dinner
with the Queen of England
259
00:12:51,420 --> 00:12:52,780
in Buckingham Palace.
260
00:12:52,780 --> 00:12:54,860
Well, it's funny
you should say that...
261
00:12:54,860 --> 00:12:57,780
Tomorrow is Christmas Day
and we need you here.
262
00:12:57,780 --> 00:13:00,620
But the community centre
is getting an award. So what?
263
00:13:00,620 --> 00:13:02,100
So what?!
264
00:13:02,100 --> 00:13:05,100
I've been waiting for this moment
for the past 30 years.
265
00:13:05,100 --> 00:13:07,700
Well, you can't go. But...
266
00:13:07,700 --> 00:13:08,780
Stop.
267
00:13:08,780 --> 00:13:11,260
It's Christmas Day and you need
to be here with your family
268
00:13:11,260 --> 00:13:12,760
and that's that.
269
00:13:14,310 --> 00:13:15,350
Right!
270
00:13:17,140 --> 00:13:18,340
Fine!
271
00:13:18,340 --> 00:13:20,680
I'll change the crappy nappy!
272
00:13:21,455 --> 00:13:23,980
Then I'll put
the Boxing Christmas lights up!
273
00:13:23,980 --> 00:13:28,580
And then I'll shove my hand
up Mrs Malik's U-bend!
274
00:13:31,580 --> 00:13:33,820
Because that's all I'm good for.
275
00:13:33,820 --> 00:13:35,340
All the little jobs.
276
00:13:35,340 --> 00:13:37,620
I'm not a big shot.
277
00:13:37,620 --> 00:13:39,780
I'm not a businessman.
278
00:13:39,780 --> 00:13:42,540
I'm not even a community leader!
279
00:13:44,760 --> 00:13:47,020
I'm just a nobody!
280
00:13:49,940 --> 00:13:51,480
Toilet not working.
281
00:13:56,620 --> 00:13:58,460
Poor Mr Khan.
282
00:13:58,460 --> 00:14:01,980
Instead of going to
Buckingham Palace to meet the Queen,
283
00:14:01,980 --> 00:14:05,220
with his executive briefcase,
284
00:14:05,220 --> 00:14:09,800
he had to go to Mr Ali's
Cash And Carry to buy a plunger.
285
00:14:15,380 --> 00:14:17,300
'Proper businessman...
286
00:14:17,300 --> 00:14:18,560
'Who was I kidding?'
287
00:14:21,700 --> 00:14:24,160
'Stupid briefcase!
288
00:14:25,380 --> 00:14:28,860
'I'll never need that ever again.'
289
00:14:34,880 --> 00:14:35,980
Oh, twadi!
290
00:14:35,980 --> 00:14:37,900
Oh, help!
291
00:14:37,900 --> 00:14:39,380
Help! Oh, God!
292
00:14:39,380 --> 00:14:40,860
No!
293
00:14:40,860 --> 00:14:42,180
Argh!
294
00:14:44,540 --> 00:14:45,940
There we are.
295
00:14:45,940 --> 00:14:48,360
All safe and sound.
296
00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:55,540
If you're after my wallet,
you're wasting your time.
297
00:14:55,540 --> 00:14:57,140
I threw it in the canal.
298
00:14:57,140 --> 00:14:59,420
Along with my house keys
and my mobile blooming phone.
299
00:14:59,420 --> 00:15:02,180
Of course I'm not.
300
00:15:02,180 --> 00:15:04,300
Do I look like a mugger?
301
00:15:05,260 --> 00:15:07,780
A chugger, then.
You're all after money.
302
00:15:07,780 --> 00:15:10,380
Don't be such a silly, Mr Khan.
303
00:15:10,380 --> 00:15:12,020
You know who I am?
304
00:15:12,020 --> 00:15:14,620
Of course I do. You're my mission.
305
00:15:14,620 --> 00:15:19,360
I was sent by a higher power
to help you.
306
00:15:19,360 --> 00:15:22,620
Oh, not Reverend Green, who knocks
on our door every Christmas!
307
00:15:22,620 --> 00:15:24,620
Higher than that.
308
00:15:28,300 --> 00:15:31,060
Look, Mrs... Whoever you are.
309
00:15:31,060 --> 00:15:33,260
Well, I suppose you could call me...
310
00:15:33,260 --> 00:15:34,920
Angel-a.
311
00:15:36,500 --> 00:15:37,980
Right.
312
00:15:37,980 --> 00:15:39,940
Or Angel-ena.
313
00:15:39,940 --> 00:15:43,340
Or Angel-ica.
314
00:15:43,340 --> 00:15:45,300
I'm saying...
315
00:15:45,300 --> 00:15:47,620
I'm an angel.
316
00:15:47,620 --> 00:15:49,700
You know, from heaven.
317
00:15:49,700 --> 00:15:51,100
OK.
318
00:15:51,100 --> 00:15:53,780
Obviously,
I'm not actually an angel.
319
00:15:53,780 --> 00:15:55,340
Obviously.
320
00:15:55,340 --> 00:15:57,900
I mean, I haven't got my wings yet.
321
00:15:58,980 --> 00:16:01,420
Well, it's been lovely
chitty-chatting, but I have to go.
322
00:16:01,420 --> 00:16:03,460
No! Don't do it.
323
00:16:03,460 --> 00:16:06,380
You've got so much to live for.
What?
324
00:16:06,380 --> 00:16:08,820
You were going to jump in the canal.
No, I wasn't.
325
00:16:08,820 --> 00:16:11,020
I'm trying to get my briefcase back.
326
00:16:11,020 --> 00:16:13,980
But I might as well jump into the
canal. What difference does it make?
327
00:16:13,980 --> 00:16:16,380
Oh, how can you say that?
328
00:16:16,380 --> 00:16:18,620
Every life has meaning.
329
00:16:18,620 --> 00:16:21,380
Not mine.
I wanted to be somebody.
330
00:16:22,277 --> 00:16:23,837
"Mr Khan, they all know me."
331
00:16:25,100 --> 00:16:26,940
I was just kidding myself.
332
00:16:26,940 --> 00:16:28,200
I'm a nobody.
333
00:16:28,200 --> 00:16:30,860
I should never have moved
to Sparkhill.
334
00:16:32,980 --> 00:16:34,700
What if you never did?
335
00:16:34,700 --> 00:16:36,140
What?
336
00:16:36,140 --> 00:16:41,060
I'm going to show you what
Sparkhill would be like without you.
337
00:16:42,460 --> 00:16:45,020
SHE CHANTS
338
00:16:45,020 --> 00:16:48,740
SHE ULULATES
339
00:16:50,380 --> 00:16:51,946
And they say Muslims are weird.
340
00:16:55,820 --> 00:16:58,660
Well, what do you think?
About what?
341
00:16:58,660 --> 00:17:02,420
Sparkhill, as it would be
if you'd never moved here.
342
00:17:02,420 --> 00:17:05,100
Right, you do realise
it's all the same. Is it?
343
00:17:05,100 --> 00:17:08,520
Yes. Is it, though?
Yes, it is, though.
344
00:17:09,760 --> 00:17:12,140
Hang on,
where is Tasty Fried Chicken?
345
00:17:12,140 --> 00:17:14,620
Ah-ha, you see?
346
00:17:14,620 --> 00:17:17,380
Without you here,
they've gone out of business.
347
00:17:19,580 --> 00:17:23,140
Sparkhill without a chicken shop,
has the world gone mad?
348
00:17:23,140 --> 00:17:24,900
And look over there.
349
00:17:26,220 --> 00:17:30,060
That should be Mr Ali's
Cash And Carry. He's gone, too.
350
00:17:30,060 --> 00:17:32,980
But what about my cheap
toilet rolls?
351
00:17:32,980 --> 00:17:36,720
Without the amount you buy,
he's gone out of business, as well.
352
00:17:38,540 --> 00:17:41,060
What's going on?
Is this some kind of trick?
353
00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:47,060
I told you, this is a version of
Sparkhill where you never existed.
354
00:17:49,780 --> 00:17:51,620
Riaz!
355
00:17:51,620 --> 00:17:53,820
It's me. Your old friend, Mr Khan.
356
00:17:55,780 --> 00:17:58,620
What are you doing?
Muslims don't drink!
357
00:17:58,620 --> 00:18:00,580
I lost my faith a long time ago.
358
00:18:00,580 --> 00:18:03,340
But you're the funeral director
at the mosque.
359
00:18:03,340 --> 00:18:04,980
Wow...
360
00:18:04,980 --> 00:18:08,340
That's what I should have done.
Where were you 25 years ago?
361
00:18:08,340 --> 00:18:10,460
Right,
just stop messing around, huh,
362
00:18:10,460 --> 00:18:12,920
and just tell this crazy woman
that you know me.
363
00:18:14,020 --> 00:18:17,140
I've never met you before in my
life. Has she paid you to do this?
364
00:18:17,140 --> 00:18:19,060
Stop lying! Keep back!
365
00:18:19,060 --> 00:18:20,000
I wear Hai Karate.
366
00:18:22,620 --> 00:18:24,020
Riaz!
367
00:18:29,340 --> 00:18:31,780
I realise it's a lot for you
to take in.
368
00:18:31,780 --> 00:18:34,500
This can't be real.
This is just a dream.
369
00:18:34,500 --> 00:18:36,580
Do I look like a dream to you?
370
00:18:37,517 --> 00:18:38,520
Ow!
371
00:18:39,420 --> 00:18:42,260
So you're really an angel?
Angel-in-waiting.
372
00:18:42,260 --> 00:18:45,180
But why did they send you to me?
You do know I'm Muslim?
373
00:18:45,180 --> 00:18:46,580
Oh, that's OK.
374
00:18:46,580 --> 00:18:51,180
We're all mixed up together up
there - Christians, Muslims, Jews.
375
00:18:51,180 --> 00:18:53,540
Turns out we were all right.
376
00:18:53,540 --> 00:18:56,540
What about the Hindus?
Ah, no, I'm afraid not.
377
00:18:56,540 --> 00:18:58,380
I knew it!
378
00:18:59,740 --> 00:19:02,380
We're just one big, happy family.
379
00:19:02,380 --> 00:19:05,140
We do each other's festivals
and everything.
380
00:19:05,140 --> 00:19:08,380
Christmas, Eid, Rosh Hashana...
381
00:19:08,380 --> 00:19:10,420
How's that working out for you?
382
00:19:10,420 --> 00:19:12,220
Ramadan's pretty tough.
383
00:19:13,180 --> 00:19:15,740
Now, close your eyes. There's
one more thing I want you to see.
384
00:19:15,740 --> 00:19:18,180
But this is just a community centre.
Is it, though?
385
00:19:18,180 --> 00:19:19,780
Yes, it is, though!
386
00:19:24,380 --> 00:19:25,820
You can open them now.
387
00:19:27,780 --> 00:19:29,180
What do you think?
388
00:19:29,180 --> 00:19:30,420
Is this...
389
00:19:31,420 --> 00:19:32,540
..heaven?
390
00:19:33,620 --> 00:19:35,340
No, it's a pound shop.
391
00:19:35,340 --> 00:19:37,460
It looks like heaven to me!
392
00:19:37,460 --> 00:19:40,140
Trust me,
heaven's nothing like this.
393
00:19:40,140 --> 00:19:42,780
So what happened
to the community centre?
394
00:19:42,780 --> 00:19:45,820
Without you, Mr Khan,
there is no community centre.
395
00:19:45,820 --> 00:19:47,020
What?
396
00:19:47,020 --> 00:19:51,140
Well, for 25 years, you were
the one constant in that place.
397
00:19:51,140 --> 00:19:54,900
Mosque managers, caretakers,
they all came and went.
398
00:19:54,900 --> 00:19:57,020
But you were always there.
399
00:19:58,060 --> 00:20:01,180
Well, I am the only one who knows
how to fiddle the electric meter.
400
00:20:01,180 --> 00:20:02,860
You kept that place going.
401
00:20:02,860 --> 00:20:04,780
And they still never named the place
after me.
402
00:20:04,780 --> 00:20:07,980
But without you, it didn't survive.
403
00:20:07,980 --> 00:20:11,260
It was bought up
by some greedy businessman.
404
00:20:11,260 --> 00:20:13,860
Oi, you two,
buy something or clear off.
405
00:20:13,860 --> 00:20:15,500
Ha-ha, hello, Dave!
406
00:20:15,500 --> 00:20:17,340
It is Dave, isn't it?
407
00:20:17,340 --> 00:20:19,740
That's right. Dave Prentice.
This is my shop.
408
00:20:19,740 --> 00:20:22,200
Ha! Are you the greedy businessman?
409
00:20:23,020 --> 00:20:24,100
Yes.
410
00:20:24,100 --> 00:20:26,220
Ginger Dave!
411
00:20:26,220 --> 00:20:28,740
Are you taking the ginger biscuit?
412
00:20:30,420 --> 00:20:31,980
I find that term offensive.
413
00:20:31,980 --> 00:20:36,380
Chill-ax, Davey. It's just
a bit of banter between friends.
414
00:20:36,380 --> 00:20:38,260
I'm not your friend.
415
00:20:38,260 --> 00:20:39,240
Keith!
416
00:20:41,300 --> 00:20:44,020
Oh, Keithy!
My next door neighbour.
417
00:20:45,140 --> 00:20:47,320
AS KEITH: Salman I like him,
Mr Khan.
418
00:20:48,320 --> 00:20:49,600
Sorry?
419
00:20:49,600 --> 00:20:51,200
We're not neighbours.
420
00:20:51,200 --> 00:20:54,820
The house next door to me
has been left to rot for 25 years.
421
00:20:54,820 --> 00:20:58,200
How dare you? Anyway, you're the one
who put the wallpaper up.
422
00:20:58,200 --> 00:21:00,600
Buy something or clear off.
423
00:21:03,070 --> 00:21:04,110
Keith!
424
00:21:06,500 --> 00:21:09,180
Excuse me, sir. How much is this?
425
00:21:12,280 --> 00:21:13,160
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
426
00:21:13,160 --> 00:21:13,980
One pound.
427
00:21:13,980 --> 00:21:15,360
Oh...!
428
00:21:17,300 --> 00:21:19,040
Erm, what about this?
429
00:21:20,120 --> 00:21:21,500
That's one pound, too.
430
00:21:21,500 --> 00:21:24,220
Everything's a pound.
It's a pound shop.
431
00:21:25,420 --> 00:21:27,500
I never thought of that.
Thank you, sir.
432
00:21:27,500 --> 00:21:29,320
That's OK, Amjad.
433
00:21:29,320 --> 00:21:30,820
At least you know who I am.
434
00:21:30,820 --> 00:21:33,760
No, I...I did think I do.
435
00:21:33,760 --> 00:21:36,740
Yes, you do. You just call me sir.
You always call me sir.
436
00:21:36,740 --> 00:21:39,500
Mummy says it's polite
to call people sir.
437
00:21:39,500 --> 00:21:42,740
Amjad, hurry up.
We can't be seen in here.
438
00:21:42,740 --> 00:21:45,780
Let's go
before anyone recognises us.
439
00:21:45,780 --> 00:21:48,940
I see you haven't changed.
You're still the same, huh.
440
00:21:52,300 --> 00:21:54,900
Amjad's not the same, though.
441
00:21:54,900 --> 00:21:56,500
He looked up to you.
442
00:21:56,500 --> 00:21:59,340
Now he's stuck at home
with his mother.
443
00:21:59,340 --> 00:22:01,500
He'll survive. They all will.
444
00:22:05,404 --> 00:22:06,644
Hello, sweetie.
445
00:22:07,420 --> 00:22:08,280
Oh...
446
00:22:08,740 --> 00:22:11,420
Hello.
So you know who I am?
447
00:22:11,420 --> 00:22:14,900
Of course I know who you are.
We were married, weren't we?
448
00:22:14,900 --> 00:22:16,260
Were?
449
00:22:16,260 --> 00:22:20,220
Well, it was 25 years ago. I know.
It was the happiest day of my life.
450
00:22:20,220 --> 00:22:22,420
Oh, mine, too.
451
00:22:22,420 --> 00:22:26,780
And then you got a briefcase
and became a proper businessman.
452
00:22:26,780 --> 00:22:29,220
I always wanted to be
a proper businessman.
453
00:22:29,220 --> 00:22:31,260
And then you went off
on your business trips
454
00:22:31,260 --> 00:22:33,540
and stayed away for weeks
in five-star hotels.
455
00:22:34,860 --> 00:22:36,620
These five-star hotels,
456
00:22:36,620 --> 00:22:39,940
did they have infinity pools
and executive suites?
457
00:22:39,940 --> 00:22:41,140
Idiot!
458
00:22:41,140 --> 00:22:44,060
And then one day
you never came back. What?
459
00:22:44,060 --> 00:22:47,380
And that was the end of it. Since
then, it's just been me and my mum.
460
00:22:47,380 --> 00:22:49,540
But what about our children?
What children?
461
00:22:49,540 --> 00:22:52,020
Alia and Shazia.
Who?
462
00:22:52,020 --> 00:22:54,260
Don't you see, Mr Khan?
463
00:22:54,260 --> 00:22:56,140
They never existed.
464
00:22:56,140 --> 00:22:58,180
Oh, it can't be.
465
00:22:59,300 --> 00:23:01,500
And we had grandchildren, too.
466
00:23:01,500 --> 00:23:03,620
Little Mo and Baby Nadia.
467
00:23:03,620 --> 00:23:06,300
I don't know what you're talking
about. Sweetie, tell me...
468
00:23:06,300 --> 00:23:07,580
Tell me this isn't real.
469
00:23:07,580 --> 00:23:09,740
Tell me you're still
my little gulab jamun.
470
00:23:09,740 --> 00:23:11,380
Stay away from me.
471
00:23:11,380 --> 00:23:14,980
You made your choice.
You left me and you left Sparkhill.
472
00:23:14,980 --> 00:23:16,900
Come on, Mum.
473
00:23:16,900 --> 00:23:18,780
No... Wait!
474
00:23:19,780 --> 00:23:21,420
Come back!
475
00:23:21,420 --> 00:23:22,780
Come back!
476
00:23:23,677 --> 00:23:26,260
I want to live in Sparkhill!
477
00:23:26,260 --> 00:23:29,560
I want to live in Sparkhill!
478
00:23:29,560 --> 00:23:32,820
I want to live in Sparkhill!
I want to live in Sparkhill!
479
00:23:32,820 --> 00:23:34,580
Mr Khan...
I want to live in Sparkhill!
480
00:23:34,580 --> 00:23:36,920
Mr Khan... Are you OK?
481
00:23:36,920 --> 00:23:38,200
Riaz?
482
00:23:39,340 --> 00:23:43,140
I fished this out of the canal. Have
you seen a woman, about this tall?
483
00:23:44,140 --> 00:23:46,260
Hang on...you know my name.
484
00:23:46,260 --> 00:23:48,400
You're Mr Khan. They all know do.
485
00:23:48,400 --> 00:23:49,760
And this is Sparkhill?
486
00:23:49,760 --> 00:23:53,220
Sparkhill with a chicken shop
and a community centre
487
00:23:53,220 --> 00:23:55,280
and a cash-and-carry?
Yes.
488
00:23:55,280 --> 00:23:57,180
And Mrs Khan...
489
00:23:57,180 --> 00:23:58,820
and Alia
490
00:23:58,820 --> 00:23:59,720
and the other one?
491
00:23:59,720 --> 00:24:01,380
Yes.
492
00:24:01,380 --> 00:24:05,700
And you're a big,
fat Muslim undertaker?
493
00:24:05,700 --> 00:24:08,080
OK. Oh, Riaz.
494
00:24:08,640 --> 00:24:10,073
Don't take this the wrong way...
495
00:24:11,260 --> 00:24:12,760
..but I love you!
496
00:24:17,520 --> 00:24:18,780
Sparkhill!
497
00:24:18,780 --> 00:24:20,260
Yeah!
498
00:24:20,260 --> 00:24:22,840
Hello, Sparkhill!
499
00:24:23,820 --> 00:24:27,540
Merry Christmas,
Mr Ali's Cash-And-Carry!
500
00:24:27,540 --> 00:24:29,300
Woohoo!
501
00:24:29,300 --> 00:24:32,180
Merry Christmas,
my Pakistani people!
502
00:24:33,460 --> 00:24:34,900
Woohoo!
503
00:24:34,900 --> 00:24:37,980
Merry Christmas,
Tasty Fried Chicken!
504
00:24:37,980 --> 00:24:42,780
Make mine a bargain bucket
and six extra hot wings!
505
00:24:43,860 --> 00:24:45,340
Whoa!
506
00:24:45,340 --> 00:24:46,460
Argh!
507
00:24:48,300 --> 00:24:49,700
Watch it!
508
00:24:53,880 --> 00:24:56,260
Merry Christmas, everyone!
509
00:25:02,100 --> 00:25:04,360
I should have let him
go and get his silly award.
510
00:25:04,360 --> 00:25:06,300
What if he's done something stupid?
511
00:25:06,300 --> 00:25:09,920
If he's not coming back,
can I have his chair?
512
00:25:11,260 --> 00:25:14,260
Is that all you can think of?
No, you're right.
513
00:25:14,260 --> 00:25:15,760
Can I had his footstool, too?
514
00:25:16,300 --> 00:25:17,780
I'm back!
515
00:25:17,780 --> 00:25:19,280
Oh, buggers!
516
00:25:19,980 --> 00:25:22,420
Where have you been?
We've all been so worried.
517
00:25:22,420 --> 00:25:24,580
Well, some of us have.
518
00:25:24,580 --> 00:25:27,460
I've been...getting
Christmas presents.
519
00:25:27,460 --> 00:25:29,100
You stupid, stupid man!
520
00:25:29,100 --> 00:25:31,700
How could you go off like that?
We called and called.
521
00:25:31,700 --> 00:25:33,860
What on earth were you thinking of?
Why...?
522
00:25:33,860 --> 00:25:34,920
Oh!
523
00:25:41,580 --> 00:25:43,940
Well, I think
that covers everything.
524
00:25:46,120 --> 00:25:47,680
I'm so glad to be back...
525
00:25:48,320 --> 00:25:49,740
..with all my family.
526
00:25:49,740 --> 00:25:53,600
My lovely, beautiful daughter Alia.
527
00:25:55,175 --> 00:25:57,860
And other daughter...Shazia.
528
00:25:57,860 --> 00:26:00,260
Also lovely and beautiful.
529
00:26:02,200 --> 00:26:04,500
And Amjad's here, too.
530
00:26:05,660 --> 00:26:07,160
I love you all.
531
00:26:07,900 --> 00:26:10,980
And I wouldn't change a thing
about any of you.
532
00:26:10,980 --> 00:26:13,940
Shall I cook us something?
No, thank you.
533
00:26:13,940 --> 00:26:15,900
DOORBELL RINGS
534
00:26:15,900 --> 00:26:17,300
Who's that?
535
00:26:17,300 --> 00:26:21,780
I ordered us a Tasty Fried Chicken
for us on the way home. Yeah!
536
00:26:21,780 --> 00:26:24,520
I come bearing wings!
537
00:26:25,594 --> 00:26:26,749
What an angel.
538
00:26:32,460 --> 00:26:33,800
Here you are.
539
00:26:33,826 --> 00:26:36,620
Now, give me a nappy to change.
You don't have to do that.
540
00:26:36,620 --> 00:26:38,060
No, but I want to.
541
00:26:38,060 --> 00:26:39,420
I love poop.
542
00:26:39,420 --> 00:26:41,980
Lovely, lovely poopy!
543
00:26:41,980 --> 00:26:45,520
He's just doing all this so he can
go to Buckingham Palace tomorrow.
544
00:26:45,520 --> 00:26:48,540
No, I'm not,
you great big biscuit barrel!
545
00:26:50,820 --> 00:26:53,900
There's only one palace
I want to be in.
546
00:26:53,900 --> 00:26:56,020
And I'm standing in it right now,
547
00:26:56,020 --> 00:26:58,580
right here, in Sparkhill.
548
00:26:59,860 --> 00:27:03,620
And so our story ends happily
for Mr Khan,
549
00:27:03,620 --> 00:27:08,300
who spent another lovely
poopy Christmas with his family.
550
00:27:09,460 --> 00:27:12,600
You know,
this is the best Christmas ever.
551
00:27:13,580 --> 00:27:15,180
I've learned...
552
00:27:15,180 --> 00:27:18,780
that people you love
are all that matters.
553
00:27:18,780 --> 00:27:21,580
And in our own small way...
554
00:27:21,580 --> 00:27:25,460
we can all make a difference
in this world.
555
00:27:25,460 --> 00:27:27,860
Isn't that right? A doggy!
556
00:27:30,100 --> 00:27:31,900
Exactly.
557
00:27:31,950 --> 00:27:36,500
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