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Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham,
the capital of British Pakistan.
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They all know me!
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00:00:14,860 --> 00:00:16,300
Do you like my suit?
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Number one! Citizen Khan.
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Greetings, my boob-tube followers.
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00:00:23,860 --> 00:00:27,340
Now, many of you have been
messaging me saying,
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00:00:27,340 --> 00:00:29,940
"Mr Khan, you are
our community leader,
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00:00:29,940 --> 00:00:32,700
"everyone turns to you for guidance
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00:00:32,700 --> 00:00:35,900
"on matters both
moral and spiritual.
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00:00:35,900 --> 00:00:40,700
"So when are you going to do the
cinnamon challenge?"
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00:00:40,700 --> 00:00:44,260
Well, today is the day, yes.
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00:00:44,260 --> 00:00:49,860
Apparently, you have to eat some
cinnamon without drinking anything.
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00:00:49,860 --> 00:00:52,540
Easy-peasy, huh?
14
00:00:52,540 --> 00:00:56,700
Now, most people use a teaspoon.
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Not me.
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I'm Pakistani, ah?
We can handle our spices.
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Look at that. So, here we go.
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Get some there.
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Ah-ha!
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Woohoo! And down the hatch!
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HE COUGHS AND WHEEZES
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HE GASPS
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Ah! Eurgh!
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Ah! Eurgh!
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LAUGHTER
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I don't get it.
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It's a thing we boob-tubers do.
Why?
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Because then people go and click
on it and watch you doing it.
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Why?
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LAUGHTER
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How should I know?
It's the internet, Riaz,
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This is how everything works
nowadays. Oh, OK.
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It's all about getting as many
hits as possible.
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One person
got 48 million views for this.
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Wow! How many did you get?
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That's not important.
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LAUGHTER
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Now just film me for my new,
exciting poster - behind the scenes
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at the mosque committee meeting.
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Get my best side, ah? OK.
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Salaam alaikum, Mr Khan.
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Hello, Dave.
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LAUGHTER
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Are you here for the mosque
committee meeting?
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Yes, that's right. I'm going to be
filming it for my boob-tube channel.
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Oh, no, sorry, you can't do that.
Data protection, I'm afraid.
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What? Well, I did send you an
e-mail about it.
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I never get any
of your e-mails, Dave.
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I think my computer must have some
kind of ginger filter.
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That's not a thing.
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Well, you say that,
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but I never get any e-mails from
Chris Evans or Mick Hucknall either.
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LAUGHTER
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Shall we start the meeting? Yes, OK.
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Thanks for...
Thanks for coming, everyone.
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As you know, we're here to talk
about ideas
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for the upcoming Muslim Day.
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Now, who...?
Who wants to start the ball rolling?
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Anyone else?
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LAUGHTER
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Mr Khan. Oh! Thank you, Dave.
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See, I think the most important
thing to consider is
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why we're doing this.
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Well, Muslim Day is about
educating people,
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showing them what Islam is
really all about.
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I'm hoping to organise some
interesting lectures. Lectures?!
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Borrrring!
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This is Sparkhill, Dave.
Not University College Coxbridge.
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Well, I suppose you've got
a better idea.
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Of course I have. Oh! What is it?
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LAUGHTER
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Thank you, Amjad.
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Well, how about...
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A Muslim Fun Day. A Muslim what?!
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A Fun Day.
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00:04:06,260 --> 00:04:08,460
You know,
one of those churchy-fetey things
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that you white people do, ah?
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But with some Muslim thingamajigs
thrown in instead. For example?
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Pin the beard on the imam!
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00:04:18,660 --> 00:04:22,340
Alcohol-free bottle tombola!
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Halal candyfloss! Guess who's
under the burqa!
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People will love it. Trust me, Dave.
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I know what the public wants.
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I was hoping we might be able to
take the opportunity to focus
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on the role of women
in modern Islam.
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Why?
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Well, we want to encourage women
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to take a more prominent role
in society.
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Do we? Yes, of course.
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We want to get more Muslim women
into positions of power.
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Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave!
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Muslim women have got quite
enough power already.
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You don't want to give them any
more. It'll just confuse them.
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Well, as chairman of the
mosque committee,
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it's ultimately my decision
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and I happen
to think that women's rights
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are far more important than
some silly sideshows.
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You haven't heard the best one yet.
SIGHING: Go on.
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Bouncy mosque.
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LAUGHTER
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Like a bouncy castle
but with minarets.
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That's hardly appropriate. Why not?
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A bouncy mosque is just like
any other mosque.
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You have to take your shoes
off first.
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LAUGHTER
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And it helps you get higher
and closer to God.
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Yes. You see?
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I've got the backing of the mosque
committee already, Dave, ah?
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Mohammed, here, he's on side.
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So is Mohammed, and Mohammed.
Oh, and look!
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Even Mohammed is too.
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LAUGHTER
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No, no, no. Hang on a minute!
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Why don't you just put your money
where your mouth is, ah?
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What?!
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I do my thing and you do yours,
and whoever gets the most people
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can be chairman of the mosque
committee, eh?
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But I'm already chairman of the
mosque committee.
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HE MIMICS CHICKEN CLUCKING
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Look, it's not a competition.
We're all on the same side.
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HE CLUCKS LOUDER
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Right, let's do it!
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Ha! Clucking brilliant! Bwark!
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LAUGHTER
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Right, Muslim Day
starts in an hour.
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Come on, jaldi, jaldi.
Nearly ready.
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Traditional Pakistani food
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for a traditional Pakistani stall,
right? Uh-huh.
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What have you got?
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Pizza. How is that Pakistani?
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Pakora topping.
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LAUGHTER
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Can someone listen to my "being a
working Muslim mum" speech?
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I need to practise. Shazia?
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00:06:46,220 --> 00:06:49,820
Dave asked me to contribute to his
Women In Islam event.
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How could you do this to me, Shazia?
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Siding with the gingers,
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instead of your own flesh and blood?
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00:06:57,860 --> 00:07:01,140
You won't find
a proper Pakistani man
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00:07:01,140 --> 00:07:03,380
encouraging the empowerment
of women.
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00:07:03,380 --> 00:07:05,740
It would be like turkeys
voting for Christmas.
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Ladoo, I've written bullet points
of your speech on flash cards
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and arranged them in order.
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Thanks, budhoo. That's OK, ladoo.
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Oh, wait. Can I call you ladoo, or
is it demeaning to women?
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It's fine. Phew!
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LAUGHTER
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What do you think
you're doing, Amjad?
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I thought Shazia would be
interested in the Women's Day.
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Why are you trying to destroy
my Muslim Day?
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I only get one shot at this,
you know.
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That's not strictly true. What?
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You see, the thing is,
we're all Muslim.
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Right. So technically, for us,
every day is a Muslim day.
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LAUGHTER
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Or as we Muslims call it, a day.
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LAUGHTER
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I want a word with you.
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Oh, hello, sweetie. When were you
going to tell me about this?
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Ah, now.
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About those pictures,
see, I thought,
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Miss Bumbum
was a Vietnamese restaurant.
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LAUGHTER
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I was going to take you
out for a meal.
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HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
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I'm talking about this e-mail from
your sister. Oh, yes, that.
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Who's Miss Bumbum? I don't know!
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What e-mail?
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She sent an e-mail last month
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saying she wants your niece,
Shabana, to come and stay.
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Right. But we can't
have your niece to stay!
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It's too disruptive.
And we haven't got the space.
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But I thought she could have
Alia's bedroom
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now that she's at university.
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No.
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Anyway, I'm busy at work,
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and there's no-one here to look
after her.
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Of course, I understand.
So you'll reply, then.
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I already replied.
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Oh, what did you tell her?
I said it's OK.
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LAUGHTER
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What?! Without even discussing it?
Dad, you can't do things like that.
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Idiot!
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Look, it's the school holidays and
her mother's gone to Pakistan.
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You mean she's disappeared on one of
her shopping trips again?
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00:08:59,340 --> 00:09:02,060
Your sister's never taken
responsibility for that girl.
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00:09:02,060 --> 00:09:05,340
She's always palming her off on
someone, and now it's our turn.
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00:09:05,340 --> 00:09:09,420
That's not true, sweetie, she's
a very caring and generous person.
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Is she paying you
to look after Shabana?
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LAUGHTER
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It's not payment!
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It's just room and boarding at
special discount rate.
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Oh, my God! Why...?
Now, wait a minute.
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All right, my sister's
a little bit difficult,
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but could I really turn Shabana
away?
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Our niece? Your cousin?
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And whatever she is to you?
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You're right, I'm sorry. That's OK.
When's she arriving?
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What's the date?
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00:09:41,580 --> 00:09:44,060
23rd. Today.
DOORBELL RINGS
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LAUGHTER
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00:09:46,300 --> 00:09:48,500
Well, you'll have to look after her
today,
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because we are all going to support
Shazia and Women In Islam.
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Oh, not you, too.
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Look, what's the problem?
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00:09:54,180 --> 00:09:56,580
She's stayed with us before and
she was very quiet.
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00:09:56,580 --> 00:09:58,660
That was ten years ago! I know.
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00:09:58,660 --> 00:10:02,420
I took her and Alia on the steam
railway to Chh-Llandudno.
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00:10:02,420 --> 00:10:04,940
You forgot about her and
left her on the train.
210
00:10:04,940 --> 00:10:06,620
I told you she was very quiet.
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00:10:06,620 --> 00:10:08,100
LAUGHTER
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00:10:08,100 --> 00:10:09,500
Look, she'll be no trouble.
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00:10:09,500 --> 00:10:14,300
Shabana is a very sweet, innocent
little girl.
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00:10:14,300 --> 00:10:15,340
Here she is.
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00:10:17,660 --> 00:10:19,460
Sup?
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00:10:24,260 --> 00:10:26,860
Salaam alaikum.
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00:10:26,860 --> 00:10:30,980
You remember me? It's Uncle Mr Khan.
218
00:10:32,340 --> 00:10:34,300
Oh, I remember you, all right.
219
00:10:34,300 --> 00:10:37,180
That's nice. And your auntie?
Hello, beti.
220
00:10:38,180 --> 00:10:39,540
And Naani.
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00:10:39,540 --> 00:10:41,900
No way! I thought you were dead.
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00:10:41,900 --> 00:10:44,300
LAUGHTER
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00:10:44,300 --> 00:10:47,300
We've all thought that about her at
some point, haven't we?
224
00:10:48,860 --> 00:10:52,660
And here's your cousin Shazia.
And Amjad.
225
00:10:54,980 --> 00:10:57,580
Have I got something on my face? No.
226
00:10:57,580 --> 00:10:59,660
Apart from the messy bits of metal.
227
00:11:01,020 --> 00:11:04,420
Don't worry about him, ah?
He's not a proper relative.
228
00:11:06,300 --> 00:11:09,340
So, what kind of things would you
like to do while you're here?
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00:11:09,340 --> 00:11:10,700
I don't know.
230
00:11:10,700 --> 00:11:13,420
Auntie could take you to
the safari park.
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00:11:13,420 --> 00:11:14,620
Feed the penguins.
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00:11:15,780 --> 00:11:17,740
Take Naani. Feed the lions as well.
233
00:11:17,740 --> 00:11:19,380
LAUGHTER
234
00:11:19,380 --> 00:11:21,220
Do you fancy coming with me
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00:11:21,220 --> 00:11:25,180
to the Women In Islam event at
the community centre?
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00:11:25,180 --> 00:11:28,300
SHE LAUGHS
Good one.
237
00:11:28,300 --> 00:11:30,460
Oh, what, like, really?!
238
00:11:30,460 --> 00:11:33,140
Don't you think it's important
to empower women?
239
00:11:33,140 --> 00:11:37,540
Yeah, I think feminism is basically
just for plain girls. No offence.
240
00:11:37,540 --> 00:11:39,180
LAUGHTER
241
00:11:39,180 --> 00:11:40,700
I think we'd better go. OK.
242
00:11:41,980 --> 00:11:46,500
Shabana, there must be something
you'd like to do.
243
00:11:46,500 --> 00:11:49,460
I thought I might go to this place
in Moseley and get a tat.
244
00:11:49,460 --> 00:11:50,500
A what?
245
00:11:51,780 --> 00:11:53,780
A tattoo.
246
00:11:53,780 --> 00:11:58,300
Yeah, I want to get a big one going
right up my leg and across my butt.
247
00:11:58,300 --> 00:12:00,060
Anything else?
248
00:12:01,340 --> 00:12:03,860
A couple of my friends are down in
a squat in London.
249
00:12:03,860 --> 00:12:06,820
Could you drive me down there?
I don't think so. Oh, what?
250
00:12:06,820 --> 00:12:10,380
Because you think I'm a respectable
Pakistani Muslim girl?
251
00:12:10,380 --> 00:12:12,940
No, I'm pretty sure
I don't think that.
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00:12:12,940 --> 00:12:15,020
LAUGHTER
253
00:12:15,020 --> 00:12:18,300
Let me talk to her. I think she just
needs a motherly touch.
254
00:12:19,340 --> 00:12:20,620
Hello, Shabana.
255
00:12:21,620 --> 00:12:23,580
This is your auntie speaking.
256
00:12:23,580 --> 00:12:27,900
We don't usually have tattoos or go
to squats in Sparkhill.
257
00:12:27,900 --> 00:12:31,620
Why don't I make you some of my
famous pakoras instead? Oh, yeah.
258
00:12:32,740 --> 00:12:35,100
Mum told me about your
famous pakoras.
259
00:12:35,100 --> 00:12:37,420
She said they make great doorstops.
260
00:12:37,420 --> 00:12:39,660
AUDIENCE: Ooooh!
261
00:12:39,660 --> 00:12:41,060
She's all yours.
262
00:12:42,300 --> 00:12:43,740
No!
263
00:12:43,740 --> 00:12:45,780
Make sure you
don't lose her this time!
264
00:12:45,780 --> 00:12:47,260
Ha!
265
00:12:47,260 --> 00:12:49,380
LAUGHTER
266
00:12:58,780 --> 00:13:02,180
ANNOUNCER: 'Welcome to Mr Khan's
Muslim Fun Day.
267
00:13:02,180 --> 00:13:03,740
'Hope you're having a great time.
268
00:13:03,740 --> 00:13:05,660
'Thank you, Mr Khan.'
269
00:13:05,660 --> 00:13:09,260
Now, aren't you glad you came?
Um, no.
270
00:13:10,540 --> 00:13:15,020
Oh, hello, Dave. Or should I say
loser? Ha-ha.
271
00:13:15,020 --> 00:13:18,500
Looks like my Muslim Day is turning
out to be a big hit.
272
00:13:18,500 --> 00:13:22,100
Muslim Day is for everyone, Mr Khan.
It's not about me or you.
273
00:13:22,100 --> 00:13:24,900
Of course, Dave.
You're absolutely right.
274
00:13:24,900 --> 00:13:27,820
Here, have a balloon.
275
00:13:27,820 --> 00:13:29,820
LAUGHTER
276
00:13:30,820 --> 00:13:33,740
Shabana, don't play with that, beti.
277
00:13:33,740 --> 00:13:35,460
Huh. This is so lame.
278
00:13:35,460 --> 00:13:39,500
Don't listen to her. Look! Everyone
is loving it.
279
00:13:39,500 --> 00:13:42,460
Look, we've got a bouncy mosque.
280
00:13:42,460 --> 00:13:45,060
Pin the beard on the imam.
281
00:13:45,060 --> 00:13:47,860
LAUGHTER
282
00:13:47,860 --> 00:13:50,580
How did you get so many people?
There was no money for advertising.
283
00:13:50,580 --> 00:13:52,380
Ah, well. That would be telling.
284
00:13:54,260 --> 00:13:59,500
CALL TO PRAYER: 'I'd LOVE you to
come to Mr Khan's Muslim Fun Day.
285
00:13:59,500 --> 00:14:02,660
'This Wednesday at the
community centre.'
286
00:14:04,020 --> 00:14:06,380
So, Dave, tell us...
287
00:14:06,380 --> 00:14:07,860
How's your...
288
00:14:07,860 --> 00:14:11,220
HE YAWNS LOUDLY
..snoozefest going?
289
00:14:11,220 --> 00:14:14,980
I'm sure it'll pick up once my
celebrity guest speaker arrives.
290
00:14:14,980 --> 00:14:16,700
Ha-ha. And who's that?
291
00:14:16,700 --> 00:14:18,220
Some hairy-faced woman
292
00:14:18,220 --> 00:14:20,740
from the
University of Wolverhampton
293
00:14:20,740 --> 00:14:22,940
in dungarees and a degree in
294
00:14:22,940 --> 00:14:26,340
"Boo-hoo, it's so hard
being a lady."
295
00:14:27,780 --> 00:14:29,700
It's Baroness Warsi,
296
00:14:29,700 --> 00:14:33,180
the first Muslim woman
to serve as a Cabinet minister.
297
00:14:33,180 --> 00:14:36,460
Oh, that's not a big deal.
We'll see, won't we?
298
00:14:36,460 --> 00:14:39,460
She's appearing in the community
centre in ten minutes.
299
00:14:45,220 --> 00:14:48,460
OK, everyone, Baroness Warsi will
be here any moment.
300
00:14:48,460 --> 00:14:51,140
Shazia and I will be
the welcoming committee,
301
00:14:51,140 --> 00:14:52,780
so we'll go outside and greet her,
302
00:14:52,780 --> 00:14:54,940
and then we'll come inside and do
the talks.
303
00:14:56,340 --> 00:14:58,300
I'm so excited.
304
00:14:58,300 --> 00:14:59,700
Me too.
305
00:14:59,700 --> 00:15:01,140
LAUGHTER
306
00:15:02,340 --> 00:15:05,100
Wow, looks like everyone's in here.
307
00:15:05,100 --> 00:15:09,100
Who's that at the front?
The press. I don't believe it!
308
00:15:09,100 --> 00:15:11,140
Dave's going to get his picture
in the papers
309
00:15:11,140 --> 00:15:13,340
with Lady Baron Warsi.
310
00:15:13,340 --> 00:15:14,660
And he's going to be on the radio.
311
00:15:14,660 --> 00:15:16,820
She'll probably invite him to have
tea on the terrace
312
00:15:16,820 --> 00:15:18,340
at the House of Lords too. What?
313
00:15:18,340 --> 00:15:21,100
And luckily, the weather has been
kind to us,
314
00:15:21,100 --> 00:15:23,420
as it doesn't A PEER to be raining.
315
00:15:23,420 --> 00:15:25,340
DAVE LAUGHS
316
00:15:25,340 --> 00:15:29,220
Because Baroness Warsi's a peer
in the House of... Never mind.
317
00:15:29,220 --> 00:15:31,020
I need to get up there.
318
00:15:31,020 --> 00:15:33,500
But you know nothing about
women in Islam.
319
00:15:35,740 --> 00:15:38,420
Come on, beti. Hey! Excuse me,
thank you.
320
00:15:38,420 --> 00:15:40,420
Excuse me, thank you very much.
Thank you.
321
00:15:40,420 --> 00:15:42,620
Hang on, Dave. Hang on. Mr Khan.
322
00:15:42,620 --> 00:15:44,140
Dad, what are you doing?
323
00:15:44,140 --> 00:15:45,980
I'm sorry to interrupt,
324
00:15:45,980 --> 00:15:49,540
but I had something important that
I wanted to share with Shazia
325
00:15:49,540 --> 00:15:54,100
and everyone here, even Dave. What?
326
00:15:54,100 --> 00:15:56,420
Now, I admit that before today,
327
00:15:56,420 --> 00:16:00,620
I was a bit negative about the whole
Women In Islam thing.
328
00:16:00,620 --> 00:16:02,780
I mean, I was.
329
00:16:02,780 --> 00:16:05,820
I pooh-poohed it,
didn't I, Dave? Yes.
330
00:16:05,820 --> 00:16:10,340
But then something happened that
changed my mind.
331
00:16:10,340 --> 00:16:12,260
Do you know what it was?
332
00:16:12,260 --> 00:16:15,100
Was it when a lot more people wanted
to come to my thing than to yours?
333
00:16:15,100 --> 00:16:16,900
LAUGHTER
334
00:16:16,900 --> 00:16:20,940
It wasn't, but it hurts that you
would think that.
335
00:16:22,900 --> 00:16:28,060
It was when I looked into the eyes
of my young niece here...
336
00:16:29,220 --> 00:16:34,300
..a shy, sweet,
innocent Muslim girl...
337
00:16:34,300 --> 00:16:36,660
LAUGHTER
338
00:16:36,660 --> 00:16:41,060
..who has her whole life
still ahead of her.
339
00:16:42,420 --> 00:16:47,500
And I realised that these messages
of empowerment
340
00:16:47,500 --> 00:16:51,740
can show someone like Shabana here
341
00:16:51,740 --> 00:16:56,580
that she can be whatever
she wants to be.
342
00:16:56,580 --> 00:17:00,060
She can do whatever she wants to do.
343
00:17:00,060 --> 00:17:01,660
AUDIENCE MURMURS AGREEMENT
344
00:17:01,660 --> 00:17:04,460
And that there are no limits on her
345
00:17:04,460 --> 00:17:06,380
as a woman. Or...
346
00:17:07,780 --> 00:17:09,340
..as a Muslim.
347
00:17:09,340 --> 00:17:12,660
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
348
00:17:16,100 --> 00:17:19,780
What a load of crap! Huh?
349
00:17:19,780 --> 00:17:23,900
He won't let me do anything I want
to do. In fact, he forbids it.
350
00:17:23,900 --> 00:17:25,180
No, I don't!
351
00:17:25,180 --> 00:17:27,260
He says what I want isn't suitable
352
00:17:27,260 --> 00:17:29,740
for respectable
Pakistani Muslim girl.
353
00:17:29,740 --> 00:17:32,380
Hang on a minute, ah?
354
00:17:32,380 --> 00:17:34,500
And he doesn't care about
women's issues.
355
00:17:34,500 --> 00:17:36,340
He tried to stop his wife
coming here today
356
00:17:36,340 --> 00:17:38,860
so that she could stay at home
making pakoras.
357
00:17:38,860 --> 00:17:40,340
No, I didn't!
358
00:17:40,340 --> 00:17:43,420
He tried to make ME stay at home and
make pakoras as well.
359
00:17:44,500 --> 00:17:45,660
No!
360
00:17:45,660 --> 00:17:49,300
He makes his old mother-in-law
who's, like, 100 or something,
361
00:17:49,300 --> 00:17:51,340
stay up all night making pakoras.
362
00:17:51,340 --> 00:17:54,220
AUDIENCE VOICES DISAGREEMENT
363
00:17:54,220 --> 00:17:55,620
She wanted to!
364
00:17:56,820 --> 00:18:00,140
He's not part of the solution,
he's part of the problem.
365
00:18:00,140 --> 00:18:02,380
He's trying to silence
women's voices.
366
00:18:02,380 --> 00:18:04,780
Just ask my plain-looking cousin.
367
00:18:04,780 --> 00:18:07,300
LAUGHTER
368
00:18:07,300 --> 00:18:11,580
Who would like to have
a go on my bouncy mosque?
369
00:18:11,580 --> 00:18:13,780
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
370
00:18:13,780 --> 00:18:15,060
Baroness Warsi's here!
371
00:18:21,620 --> 00:18:24,500
What the flipping heck was
all that about?!
372
00:18:24,500 --> 00:18:26,380
Why did you say all those things?
373
00:18:26,380 --> 00:18:27,820
Well, it's true, isn't it?
374
00:18:27,820 --> 00:18:29,340
You won't let me do what I want.
375
00:18:29,340 --> 00:18:32,100
Because what you want is to be
covered in tattoos
376
00:18:32,100 --> 00:18:35,220
and lying down on a mattress in
some squatty SQUATTY!
377
00:18:35,220 --> 00:18:37,220
LAUGHTER
378
00:18:37,220 --> 00:18:40,620
What are you doing? Don't
film this, you idiot!
379
00:18:40,620 --> 00:18:42,460
Sorry. Give me that!
380
00:18:42,460 --> 00:18:45,740
You just stay here and keep her out
of trouble. OK.
381
00:18:53,740 --> 00:18:55,940
Baroness Warsi. Hi.
382
00:18:55,940 --> 00:18:59,060
Hi. I'm Shazia. Shazia Khan.
383
00:18:59,060 --> 00:19:02,700
Actually, Shazia Malik,
but I don't use my married name.
384
00:19:02,700 --> 00:19:04,740
I mean, he doesn't own me.
385
00:19:04,740 --> 00:19:06,580
It's not the Middle Ages. Ha!
386
00:19:06,580 --> 00:19:08,780
LAUGHTER
387
00:19:08,780 --> 00:19:10,780
Can I just say I'm a huge fan?
388
00:19:10,780 --> 00:19:12,180
Thank you.
389
00:19:12,180 --> 00:19:14,180
I'll show you through to the
community centre
390
00:19:14,180 --> 00:19:15,380
and we can get started.
391
00:19:15,380 --> 00:19:16,740
Wait, wait, wait, wait!
392
00:19:16,740 --> 00:19:18,860
Lady Baron, Lady Baron,
393
00:19:18,860 --> 00:19:21,060
Mr Khan, community leader.
394
00:19:21,060 --> 00:19:22,580
They all know me.
395
00:19:22,580 --> 00:19:23,820
LAUGHTER
396
00:19:23,820 --> 00:19:27,260
How about I get
you a nice cup of tea?
397
00:19:27,260 --> 00:19:29,460
Shazia, fetch a cup of tea
for the Lady Baron.
398
00:19:29,460 --> 00:19:31,060
I'm fine, thank you.
399
00:19:31,060 --> 00:19:34,940
All right, how about a photo?
Two community leaders side-by-side.
400
00:19:34,940 --> 00:19:36,380
LAUGHTER
401
00:19:36,380 --> 00:19:38,580
I'm so sorry. Just ignore him.
402
00:19:38,580 --> 00:19:42,500
Dave, I need to show the
Lady Byron
403
00:19:42,500 --> 00:19:44,180
my Muslim women's bits.
404
00:19:44,180 --> 00:19:45,820
LAUGHTER
405
00:19:45,820 --> 00:19:47,300
Muslim Women's Day.
406
00:19:47,300 --> 00:19:48,820
Muslim Women's Day?
407
00:19:50,340 --> 00:19:51,980
Yup! What, so all these stalls
408
00:19:51,980 --> 00:19:54,220
are all about the empowerment
of women?
409
00:19:55,580 --> 00:19:56,740
Yup.
410
00:19:56,740 --> 00:19:59,300
LAUGHTER
Go on, then.
411
00:19:59,300 --> 00:20:05,060
OK. So, first of all, here we have
take the beard off the Imam.
412
00:20:05,060 --> 00:20:06,420
LAUGHTER
413
00:20:06,420 --> 00:20:10,100
This is saying that Imams don't
need to have beards.
414
00:20:10,100 --> 00:20:13,380
So Muslim womens can be
Imams too!
415
00:20:13,380 --> 00:20:16,820
But if the woman's already got
a beard, well,
416
00:20:16,820 --> 00:20:18,180
that's a bonus.
417
00:20:18,180 --> 00:20:19,780
LAUGHTER
418
00:20:19,780 --> 00:20:21,420
Now, here we have the stocks,
419
00:20:21,420 --> 00:20:24,860
representing how women used to be
shackled.
420
00:20:24,860 --> 00:20:26,340
But not any more!
421
00:20:26,340 --> 00:20:31,420
Because we've got the balloons that
says reach for the stars!
422
00:20:31,420 --> 00:20:34,060
LAUGHTER
423
00:20:34,060 --> 00:20:36,060
What about that?
424
00:20:36,060 --> 00:20:40,180
Well, this is about empowerment,
you see.
425
00:20:40,180 --> 00:20:43,700
Womens can do man's jobs too!
426
00:20:44,700 --> 00:20:46,900
So the man can just sit down
and relax
427
00:20:46,900 --> 00:20:48,900
and play with his sudoku.
428
00:20:48,900 --> 00:20:50,380
LAUGHTER
429
00:20:50,380 --> 00:20:52,460
Now, follow me, follow me,
come on, come on.
430
00:20:52,460 --> 00:20:53,980
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
431
00:20:53,980 --> 00:20:57,660
Now, this might look like a bouncy
mosque, but it's more than that.
432
00:20:57,660 --> 00:21:02,140
This actually represents
equality in Islam.
433
00:21:02,140 --> 00:21:06,580
Men and women doing the
bouncy-bouncy together!
434
00:21:06,580 --> 00:21:08,620
LAUGHTER
435
00:21:08,620 --> 00:21:12,060
It's amazing what you women can
do these days!
436
00:21:12,060 --> 00:21:14,180
Look at Mrs Warsi,
437
00:21:14,180 --> 00:21:17,300
how she finds the time to be
a Lady Baron
438
00:21:17,300 --> 00:21:20,020
and also do the cooking
and cleaning
439
00:21:20,020 --> 00:21:22,660
is a lesson to you all!
440
00:21:22,660 --> 00:21:28,460
Lady Baron, we are so proud of what
you have achieved.
441
00:21:28,460 --> 00:21:32,820
And even prouder of your husband for
allowing you to do it!
442
00:21:32,820 --> 00:21:34,220
LAUGHTER
443
00:21:34,220 --> 00:21:35,420
What?!
444
00:21:35,420 --> 00:21:37,260
He-he!
445
00:21:37,260 --> 00:21:39,500
Hee-hee-hee!
446
00:21:41,740 --> 00:21:46,420
Oh, help, help! Oh, twaddi!
Twaddi! Help! Help!
447
00:21:51,980 --> 00:21:53,220
Are you serious?
448
00:21:54,740 --> 00:21:59,380
SQUEAKY HELIUM VOICE: Lady Baron,
let me assure you,
449
00:21:59,380 --> 00:22:01,180
unequivocally
450
00:22:01,180 --> 00:22:03,740
and categorically,
451
00:22:03,740 --> 00:22:06,300
I am deadly serious.
452
00:22:06,300 --> 00:22:11,420
I would never treat
estimable women in Islam
453
00:22:11,420 --> 00:22:13,220
as a Mickey Mouse subject.
454
00:22:13,220 --> 00:22:15,140
LAUGHTER
455
00:22:15,140 --> 00:22:17,620
I think I've seen enough.
456
00:22:17,620 --> 00:22:20,940
Oh, twaddi! No! Come back!
457
00:22:20,940 --> 00:22:24,020
No, wait, come back. Dad.
458
00:22:24,020 --> 00:22:25,620
Ha! Idiot!
459
00:22:25,620 --> 00:22:27,980
It's not my fault.
It must have been Shabana.
460
00:22:27,980 --> 00:22:29,540
Where is she?
461
00:22:29,540 --> 00:22:32,780
You were supposed to be looking
after her. I left her with Riaz.
462
00:22:32,780 --> 00:22:34,380
RIAZ YELLS
463
00:22:35,500 --> 00:22:37,020
She tricked me.
464
00:22:37,020 --> 00:22:38,940
She's getting a tattoo.
465
00:22:38,940 --> 00:22:40,100
Find her!
466
00:22:53,780 --> 00:22:55,100
Stop!
467
00:22:56,900 --> 00:23:00,220
Get your filthy paws off that girl!
468
00:23:00,220 --> 00:23:03,220
Calm down, mate. Oh, my God!
469
00:23:03,220 --> 00:23:07,500
You've defaced her forever with this
hideous monstrosity!
470
00:23:08,980 --> 00:23:10,620
LAUGHTER
471
00:23:14,020 --> 00:23:15,980
It looks lovely on you, though.
472
00:23:15,980 --> 00:23:18,100
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
473
00:23:19,620 --> 00:23:23,620
Right, young lady, what do you think
you're playing at?
474
00:23:23,620 --> 00:23:26,900
I suppose it was you that put the
helium in the bouncy mosque.
475
00:23:28,100 --> 00:23:30,340
Everyone was laughing at me,
you know.
476
00:23:30,340 --> 00:23:32,780
You made me look like a complete
idiot.
477
00:23:32,780 --> 00:23:34,780
I'm not used to that. Really?(!)
478
00:23:34,780 --> 00:23:36,580
LAUGHTER
479
00:23:36,580 --> 00:23:39,620
You've seen me now. I'm alive.
You can go.
480
00:23:41,380 --> 00:23:44,020
Don't you want to talk or anything?
481
00:23:44,020 --> 00:23:45,780
You don't want to talk to me.
482
00:23:45,780 --> 00:23:48,660
Yes, I do. I don't mind talking.
483
00:23:48,660 --> 00:23:51,500
Really? About what?
484
00:23:51,500 --> 00:23:52,900
Anything.
485
00:23:52,900 --> 00:23:55,100
ANYTHING at all.
486
00:23:56,620 --> 00:24:02,180
OK... Mm. So, I think
maybe I'm bisexual.
487
00:24:02,180 --> 00:24:04,660
LAUGHTER
488
00:24:05,900 --> 00:24:08,860
Same here. I'm bisexual too.
489
00:24:08,860 --> 00:24:10,380
You're bisexual?
490
00:24:10,380 --> 00:24:12,420
Yes. Twice a year.
491
00:24:12,420 --> 00:24:13,740
Regular as clockwork.
492
00:24:15,060 --> 00:24:17,020
That's not what bisexual means.
493
00:24:18,740 --> 00:24:20,020
Isn't it?
494
00:24:20,020 --> 00:24:22,740
Bisexual means you're attracted to
both sexes.
495
00:24:22,740 --> 00:24:25,460
Oh, that's great. I'm glad we had
this chat.
496
00:24:25,460 --> 00:24:27,500
See? I knew it!
497
00:24:27,500 --> 00:24:31,060
No-one's interested in me. I'm just
an inconvenience, an embarrassment.
498
00:24:31,060 --> 00:24:33,860
And I didn't even want to...
Shhh. No, you're not.
499
00:24:34,900 --> 00:24:36,180
Salaam alaikum.
500
00:24:36,180 --> 00:24:37,940
LAUGHTER
501
00:24:37,940 --> 00:24:39,580
It's fine.
502
00:24:39,580 --> 00:24:42,340
I get it. No-one wants
to be around me.
503
00:24:42,340 --> 00:24:44,540
Of course they do. Really?
504
00:24:44,540 --> 00:24:48,340
My mum doesn't want me.
Yes, she does.
505
00:24:48,340 --> 00:24:51,300
She's just misunderstood, like me.
506
00:24:51,300 --> 00:24:53,940
I'm always being misunderstood.
507
00:24:53,940 --> 00:24:56,540
It's a Khan family trait.
508
00:24:56,540 --> 00:24:58,700
I don't understand. See?
509
00:24:58,700 --> 00:25:00,260
LAUGHTER
510
00:25:00,260 --> 00:25:02,500
My whole life, she's never been
interested in me.
511
00:25:02,500 --> 00:25:04,820
She just swans off to Pakistan for
months at a time
512
00:25:04,820 --> 00:25:06,580
and palms me off on the neighbours.
513
00:25:06,580 --> 00:25:08,020
Obviously, I'm so unbearable that
514
00:25:08,020 --> 00:25:10,420
no-one would ever want to
spend any time with me,
515
00:25:10,420 --> 00:25:12,420
unless they're being paid for it.
516
00:25:12,420 --> 00:25:13,660
That's not true.
517
00:25:13,660 --> 00:25:16,020
I want to spend time with you.
518
00:25:16,020 --> 00:25:18,180
Are you being paid?
519
00:25:18,180 --> 00:25:19,340
Maybe.
520
00:25:20,580 --> 00:25:22,620
Just go.
521
00:25:22,620 --> 00:25:24,180
I'm not your responsibility.
522
00:25:24,180 --> 00:25:25,700
But you're family.
523
00:25:25,700 --> 00:25:27,580
I don't have a family.
524
00:25:27,580 --> 00:25:29,260
Yes, you do.
525
00:25:29,260 --> 00:25:31,380
We're your family.
526
00:25:31,380 --> 00:25:34,700
We care about you very much.
527
00:25:34,700 --> 00:25:36,860
Ever since you were a little girl.
528
00:25:37,980 --> 00:25:40,140
When you lost me?
529
00:25:40,140 --> 00:25:42,220
When I found you again.
530
00:25:42,220 --> 00:25:45,460
At the lost property office
at Swansea Station?
531
00:25:45,460 --> 00:25:47,540
I came back for you, didn't I?
532
00:25:47,540 --> 00:25:49,100
Like I did today.
533
00:25:49,100 --> 00:25:50,860
I'll always come and find you.
534
00:25:53,460 --> 00:25:57,140
Now, come on. Why don't you come
home, ah?
535
00:25:57,140 --> 00:25:59,860
Naani's making some food.
536
00:25:59,860 --> 00:26:01,660
I mean, it won't be very nice,
537
00:26:01,660 --> 00:26:04,380
but it'll cheer her up if we eat it,
538
00:26:04,380 --> 00:26:07,340
and she needs cheering up because
she'll be dead soon.
539
00:26:07,340 --> 00:26:08,980
LAUGHTER
540
00:26:08,980 --> 00:26:11,380
OK. Good girl. Done.
541
00:26:11,380 --> 00:26:13,620
Are you sure the rest of the family
won't mind?
542
00:26:13,620 --> 00:26:16,820
I mean, I said some pretty mean
things. Don't be silly.
543
00:26:16,820 --> 00:26:18,820
The Khan family motto?
544
00:26:18,820 --> 00:26:22,500
Forgive and forget. Ah? Chalo.
545
00:26:22,500 --> 00:26:24,020
Thank you.
546
00:26:24,020 --> 00:26:27,020
AUDIENCE: Oh!
547
00:26:32,540 --> 00:26:35,900
Here we are, one big, happy family.
548
00:26:35,900 --> 00:26:39,460
I'm happy because I got to meet
Baroness Warsi.
549
00:26:39,460 --> 00:26:43,260
Shazia's happy because she got to
do her boring women's speech. He-he!
550
00:26:43,260 --> 00:26:46,860
And Mrs Khan's happy because she's
got someone else to shout at.
551
00:26:48,140 --> 00:26:50,700
And Naani's happy
because she's not dead.
552
00:26:50,700 --> 00:26:52,580
LAUGHTER
553
00:26:52,580 --> 00:26:54,220
What about me, papa-ji?
554
00:26:54,220 --> 00:26:56,740
I came home to see you, and I found
HER in my room.
555
00:26:56,740 --> 00:26:58,140
Alia, you came home
556
00:26:58,140 --> 00:27:01,140
to get your washing done and ask
me for some money.
557
00:27:01,140 --> 00:27:03,860
Oh, yeah. Can I have some money?
558
00:27:03,860 --> 00:27:05,380
LAUGHTER
559
00:27:05,380 --> 00:27:08,740
Some things don't change, ah?
Here you are.
560
00:27:08,740 --> 00:27:10,340
And one for you.
561
00:27:10,340 --> 00:27:14,940
Thank you. Because you're
a member of the family now too, ah?
562
00:27:14,940 --> 00:27:17,900
Oh, thank you, Uncle. Hey, and you
know the best thing?
563
00:27:17,900 --> 00:27:23,540
She uploaded my brilliant speech up
onto my boob-tube channel.
564
00:27:23,540 --> 00:27:26,140
The mosque committee will definitely
make me chairman
565
00:27:26,140 --> 00:27:27,500
when they see this.
566
00:27:27,500 --> 00:27:29,020
ON COMPUTER: 'Lady Baron.
567
00:27:29,020 --> 00:27:31,740
# 'I am the Mickey Mouse, the
Mickey Mouse, the Mickey Mouse...
568
00:27:31,740 --> 00:27:34,780
# 'I am the Mickey Mouse, the
Mickey Mouse, the Mickey Mouse,
569
00:27:34,780 --> 00:27:37,780
'I am the Mickey Mouse, the
Mickey Mouse, the Mickey Mouse...'
570
00:27:37,780 --> 00:27:39,900
THEY LAUGH
571
00:27:39,900 --> 00:27:41,620
Oh, twaddi!
572
00:27:41,670 --> 00:27:46,220
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