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1
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Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham -
the capital of British Pakistan.
2
00:00:13,520 --> 00:00:14,800
They all know me.
3
00:00:14,800 --> 00:00:16,080
You like my suit?
4
00:00:17,720 --> 00:00:19,720
Number one, Citizen Khan.
5
00:00:23,120 --> 00:00:27,840
Hey! Goal! You know,
this is the best present ever.
6
00:00:27,840 --> 00:00:30,080
It's better than anything Amjad
has given me.
7
00:00:30,080 --> 00:00:33,760
I gave you two grandchildren?
That was mostly Shazia.
8
00:00:33,760 --> 00:00:38,040
I wouldn't stand there
if I were you. You'll get hurt!
9
00:00:38,040 --> 00:00:41,160
I can't believe I've known you guys
for nearly a year now.
10
00:00:41,160 --> 00:00:43,000
You've been so welcoming
11
00:00:43,000 --> 00:00:45,680
- and I know I'm not exactly
what you had in mind for Alia.
12
00:00:45,680 --> 00:00:50,320
Scabby, don't be silly. We all think
you're great. Don't we, Amjad?
13
00:00:50,320 --> 00:00:52,120
He's all right.
14
00:00:52,120 --> 00:00:56,280
Hey, look, I've even
got a Pakistani team, huh?
15
00:00:56,280 --> 00:01:00,440
Look! It's Athletico Rawalpindi!
KHAN LAUGHS
16
00:01:02,160 --> 00:01:03,400
Get in.
17
00:01:03,400 --> 00:01:05,240
Oh, twaddi.
18
00:01:05,240 --> 00:01:07,440
Maybe it's time for a substitution.
19
00:01:07,440 --> 00:01:08,480
Oh...
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00:01:10,000 --> 00:01:12,600
KHAN LAUGHS
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00:01:12,600 --> 00:01:15,200
It's Bobby Moore,
Hamid and his cousins.
22
00:01:15,200 --> 00:01:17,880
Hey, do you remember the time we
tried to get into
23
00:01:17,880 --> 00:01:21,360
the Villa Park away, pretending
to be Cardiff City supporters?
24
00:01:21,360 --> 00:01:23,200
THEY LAUGH
25
00:01:23,200 --> 00:01:24,600
All right, boyo?
26
00:01:24,600 --> 00:01:28,000
Hey, if you say in a Pakistani
accent, 'All right, boyo?'
27
00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:29,200
THEY LAUGH
28
00:01:29,200 --> 00:01:32,560
Oh, sir, remember that time
when we tried to get...? No.
29
00:01:32,560 --> 00:01:36,680
Am, for the final time, I wouldn't
stand there if I were you.
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Sorry, sir.
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Look out for my super shooter!
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AMJAD STRAINS
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00:01:45,800 --> 00:01:48,800
Oh! I missed the ball!
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I don't think you did.
35
00:02:00,160 --> 00:02:03,320
# One-nil to the Pakistan!
36
00:02:03,320 --> 00:02:06,680
One-nil to the Pakistan!
37
00:02:06,680 --> 00:02:10,520
I said, ooh, ah, Mr Khan!
I said, ooh, ah, Mr Khan!
38
00:02:10,520 --> 00:02:12,680
Oh, hello, beti.
39
00:02:12,680 --> 00:02:14,120
Hi.
40
00:02:14,120 --> 00:02:16,400
Ah, it's for Amjad. He hurt...
41
00:02:16,400 --> 00:02:18,880
KHAN CLEARS HIS THROAT
..he hurt himself.
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00:02:18,880 --> 00:02:22,400
"Eases pain
and reduces inflammation".
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00:02:22,400 --> 00:02:25,000
Hm. Oh, well.
You can't have everything, huh?
44
00:02:26,320 --> 00:02:27,640
Everything OK?
45
00:02:27,640 --> 00:02:32,800
I get my exam results today.
Oh, you mean your A-level retakes?
46
00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:35,440
Re-retakes?
47
00:02:36,680 --> 00:02:38,440
Re-re-retakes?
48
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Three takes!
49
00:02:43,120 --> 00:02:44,840
It's getting embarrassing.
50
00:02:44,840 --> 00:02:49,160
I'm never going to get to go
to university. Alia, beti...
51
00:02:49,160 --> 00:02:51,440
It doesn't matter.
52
00:02:51,440 --> 00:02:55,960
I never went to university and look
at me, I turned out all right.
53
00:02:55,960 --> 00:03:00,040
People like us don't need
to go to university.
54
00:03:00,040 --> 00:03:03,280
We just get by
on our looks, huh? Look.
55
00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:06,400
I suppose.
56
00:03:06,400 --> 00:03:10,280
Anyway, you know you can live
with your mummy and daddy
57
00:03:10,280 --> 00:03:14,440
for as long as you want.
I'm not a baby any more, papati.
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00:03:14,440 --> 00:03:18,320
Of course not, huh?
You're very independent, huh?
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00:03:18,320 --> 00:03:20,120
Here.
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00:03:20,120 --> 00:03:21,720
Have some money.
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00:03:21,720 --> 00:03:23,440
KHAN LAUGHS
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00:03:23,440 --> 00:03:28,000
Oh, you know, I remember when your
mother was your age,
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00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:32,080
she lived at home with
her parents back in Pakistan,
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00:03:32,080 --> 00:03:36,920
while I was here trying to make my
way, and eventually, she joined me.
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00:03:36,920 --> 00:03:38,960
We got married and...
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00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:42,280
we began a whole new life together.
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00:03:42,280 --> 00:03:43,600
Just the two of us.
68
00:03:45,080 --> 00:03:49,320
And then, Naani kept visiting and
now we're back where we started.
69
00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:51,200
That's funny, because...
70
00:03:51,200 --> 00:03:53,920
I was thinking I might do
the same thing as you.
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00:03:53,920 --> 00:03:55,960
You want to put Naani
in a home, too?
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00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:57,640
No.
73
00:03:57,640 --> 00:04:01,160
I was thinking about...
getting married?
74
00:04:01,160 --> 00:04:04,720
What? Absolutely not! I forbid it!
75
00:04:04,720 --> 00:04:09,120
You don't want me to marry Scab?
Scabby? Of course!
76
00:04:09,120 --> 00:04:14,080
That would be amazeballs. You do
like him, don't you? Like him?
77
00:04:14,080 --> 00:04:17,440
I think he's great.
He's really nice. Huh...
78
00:04:17,440 --> 00:04:21,080
And kind and considerate...
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00:04:21,080 --> 00:04:23,560
And caring. Yeah.
80
00:04:23,560 --> 00:04:27,560
I like the way he laughs at all
your jokes. Me too.
81
00:04:27,560 --> 00:04:30,040
And the way he makes you
feel better,
82
00:04:30,040 --> 00:04:32,080
even when you're feeling down.
83
00:04:32,080 --> 00:04:33,480
Right.
84
00:04:33,480 --> 00:04:38,480
The other day, Scabby and I,
we took a walk in the park,
85
00:04:38,480 --> 00:04:42,600
feeding the birds, when Scabby
turned round and said...
86
00:04:42,600 --> 00:04:44,680
Anyone would think you were
in love with him.
87
00:04:44,680 --> 00:04:47,840
Not in love with him, sweetie,
we just get on really well and...
88
00:04:47,840 --> 00:04:50,840
I don't know.
It just feels different with him.
89
00:04:50,840 --> 00:04:53,000
So... you approve?
90
00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:54,840
Of course I approve!
91
00:04:54,840 --> 00:04:58,600
You've made me the happiest
man in Sparkhill!
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00:04:58,600 --> 00:05:00,240
KHAN LAUGHS
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00:05:00,240 --> 00:05:04,080
I said, ooh, ah, Alia!
I said ooh, ah, Alia!
94
00:05:04,080 --> 00:05:05,880
KHAN WHOOPS AND LAUGHS
95
00:05:11,600 --> 00:05:13,760
You're not going to believe
what's just happened!
96
00:05:13,760 --> 00:05:16,160
You bought me that's dishwasher
from Currys.
97
00:05:16,160 --> 00:05:18,880
No. Oh. What, then?
98
00:05:18,880 --> 00:05:21,760
Well, after keeping us waiting
for nearly a year,
99
00:05:21,760 --> 00:05:25,280
Alia's finally decided to get
married. Oh, my God!
100
00:05:25,280 --> 00:05:28,720
That's what I said. To Scabby?
Of course to Scabby.
101
00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:32,360
Isn't it amazing? Has he done the
right thing and popped the question?
102
00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:35,560
Not yet, he's probably just waiting
for the right moment to catch me.
103
00:05:35,560 --> 00:05:36,840
Not you! Her!
104
00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:42,360
Oh, right. Well, I'm sure he will,
any minute. How do you know?
105
00:05:42,360 --> 00:05:45,120
Because Alia said that
she wants him to.
106
00:05:45,120 --> 00:05:48,880
And between you and me, she's quite
good at getting what she wants.
107
00:05:48,880 --> 00:05:53,280
Really? Right!
We need to get organised.
108
00:05:53,280 --> 00:05:56,520
What's that? The seating plan
for Alia's wedding.
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00:05:58,200 --> 00:05:59,360
Hang on.
110
00:05:59,360 --> 00:06:05,000
Mrs Jamil, dead.
Mr Adil, dead. Mrs Adil? Very dead!
111
00:06:05,000 --> 00:06:08,520
That's because I made it
on the day she was born. Huh.
112
00:06:08,520 --> 00:06:11,200
Oh, well. At least it will be
a cheap wedding.
113
00:06:11,200 --> 00:06:14,080
No, it won't. There's so much to do.
114
00:06:14,080 --> 00:06:18,520
We have to book a venue, order
invitations, sort the caterers.
115
00:06:18,520 --> 00:06:21,800
We haven't even met his parents yet.
Of course.
116
00:06:21,800 --> 00:06:23,080
We should sit down with them
117
00:06:23,080 --> 00:06:24,920
and make all the important
arrangements,
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00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:27,640
like how much of the
wedding they're paying for.
119
00:06:27,640 --> 00:06:29,360
Dad, what have you done to Amjad?
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00:06:29,360 --> 00:06:31,200
He's fine. Here.
121
00:06:31,200 --> 00:06:34,440
Hey, have you heard the exciting
news about Alia and Scabby?
122
00:06:34,440 --> 00:06:37,720
They're getting married. What?
I'm doing the guest list.
123
00:06:37,720 --> 00:06:39,400
We need to organise it early
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00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:42,200
so it doesn't turn
into a disaster, like...
125
00:06:42,200 --> 00:06:44,720
previous weddings involving
some of our other children.
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00:06:44,720 --> 00:06:45,800
KHAN CLEARS HIS THROAT
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00:06:45,800 --> 00:06:48,200
You know, I always thought
if ever I were to have
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00:06:48,200 --> 00:06:51,040
a son-in-law, it would be
someone like Scabby.
129
00:06:51,040 --> 00:06:56,360
Dad... Hm? You do have a son-in-law.
Oh, yes. Sorry, Amjad.
130
00:06:56,360 --> 00:06:57,720
That's OK, sir.
131
00:06:57,720 --> 00:07:01,560
I suppose son-in-laws are just
like your own children, huh?
132
00:07:01,560 --> 00:07:03,480
You make a mistake
with the first one,
133
00:07:03,480 --> 00:07:05,960
but you get it right
the second time around.
134
00:07:08,160 --> 00:07:10,560
No. No, stop it. Stop it!
135
00:07:10,560 --> 00:07:13,960
There they are! The happy couple!
136
00:07:16,480 --> 00:07:17,640
Oh...
137
00:07:17,640 --> 00:07:19,760
Are you waiting for someone
to give you a ring?
138
00:07:19,760 --> 00:07:22,480
KHAN LAUGHS
Leave them alone!
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00:07:22,480 --> 00:07:25,280
So, Scabby, we were just saying,
140
00:07:25,280 --> 00:07:29,040
maybe it's about time we got
together with your parents.
141
00:07:29,040 --> 00:07:32,520
What? Me and Mr Khan,
we should meet up with your parents.
142
00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:35,680
I'm sure we'll have a lot
to talk about. Um...
143
00:07:35,680 --> 00:07:37,560
Well, you can't. Why not?
144
00:07:37,560 --> 00:07:41,360
They... live out of town, er,
miles away, miles, in fact
145
00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:45,920
and dad, er, drinks and mum
is pretty, you know,
146
00:07:45,920 --> 00:07:49,680
so it's very hard to get them
out the house. OK...
147
00:07:49,680 --> 00:07:53,920
Ooh, erm, yeah, I've got to go,
but thanks. I'll see you.
148
00:07:53,920 --> 00:07:55,240
Khodafez.
149
00:07:57,120 --> 00:07:59,960
Papati! What have you done?
150
00:07:59,960 --> 00:08:02,760
SHAZIA: His parents
don't live out of town.
151
00:08:02,760 --> 00:08:04,840
They live in a swanky bit
of Edgbaston.
152
00:08:04,840 --> 00:08:07,640
They're members of that fancy
country club.
153
00:08:07,640 --> 00:08:09,560
Debbie says they're always
down there.
154
00:08:09,560 --> 00:08:13,160
But why would
he lie about his parents?
155
00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:16,040
Maybe he doesn't want you
to meet them. Why not?
156
00:08:16,040 --> 00:08:18,040
We haven't got a problem with Scab.
157
00:08:19,160 --> 00:08:21,160
Maybe they have a problem with Alia.
158
00:08:21,160 --> 00:08:23,920
Maybe she isn't exactly what they
were expecting.
159
00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:25,640
You mean...? What?
160
00:08:25,640 --> 00:08:27,720
..they don't approve of her? What?
161
00:08:29,480 --> 00:08:31,480
She's not good enough for them!
162
00:08:31,480 --> 00:08:33,600
How dare they! Go on, Amjad!
163
00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:36,680
Huh? Where are we going, sir?
The country club.
164
00:08:36,680 --> 00:08:38,400
Would we be swimming?
165
00:08:38,400 --> 00:08:41,520
Because I should wait till the
swelling goes down?
166
00:08:43,160 --> 00:08:46,200
Maybe you shouldn't get involved?
If it's not meant to be?
167
00:08:46,200 --> 00:08:48,600
Rubbish, I won't let them
stand in the way
168
00:08:48,600 --> 00:08:50,960
of those two
young people's happiness.
169
00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:55,440
She's perfect for him and he's
perfect for me. Her! Her! Her!
170
00:08:55,440 --> 00:08:57,240
Come on!
KHAN CLEARS HIS THROAT
171
00:09:08,240 --> 00:09:12,000
Wow! Look at this place!
It's very exclusive.
172
00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:13,880
It doesn't impress me, Amjad.
173
00:09:13,880 --> 00:09:17,840
All the people in these country
clubs are posh old blazer types. Ha!
174
00:09:17,840 --> 00:09:20,720
You know, part of the old boys
network.
175
00:09:20,720 --> 00:09:23,480
You know what that is,
don't you? I think so.
176
00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:26,000
It's on our cable package, but
Shazia doesn't let
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00:09:26,000 --> 00:09:27,320
me watch those channels.
178
00:09:27,320 --> 00:09:28,720
LAUGHTER
179
00:09:28,720 --> 00:09:33,120
No! They all go to the same school.
You know, give each other jobs.
180
00:09:33,120 --> 00:09:36,520
They're like one big family,
even bigger than a Pakistani one.
181
00:09:36,520 --> 00:09:38,240
But, sir, you're old and a boy.
182
00:09:38,240 --> 00:09:40,440
Why aren't you part of
the network?
183
00:09:40,440 --> 00:09:43,560
Amjad, the people in these old boy
networks wear stripy ties,
184
00:09:43,560 --> 00:09:46,120
old-fashioned suits and talk in
a funny accent.
185
00:09:46,120 --> 00:09:47,400
They're nothing like me.
186
00:09:47,400 --> 00:09:48,880
LAUGHTER
OK.
187
00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:51,120
They're all probably part of the
Masons, you know,
188
00:09:51,120 --> 00:09:53,400
with rolled-up trousers and the
funny handshakes.
189
00:09:53,400 --> 00:09:54,520
Right.
190
00:09:55,960 --> 00:09:57,240
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
191
00:09:57,240 --> 00:10:01,280
Khan. K, H for hat,
A for Asian, N for knowledge.
192
00:10:02,520 --> 00:10:04,120
LAUGHTER
193
00:10:04,120 --> 00:10:07,240
I'm trying to get my hands on
a certain Scabby.
194
00:10:15,640 --> 00:10:17,240
LAUGHTER
195
00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:24,600
Oh, I get it. The funny handshake,
fine.
196
00:10:24,600 --> 00:10:26,160
HE SPITS
197
00:10:27,480 --> 00:10:28,880
HE CRACKS HIS KNUCKLES
198
00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:31,440
Hi, love. Hi.
199
00:10:33,760 --> 00:10:36,600
Have you been waiting long?
Where are we going for lunch?
200
00:10:36,600 --> 00:10:38,200
LAUGHTER
201
00:10:38,200 --> 00:10:40,560
Come on, Amjad. Jaldi. Jaldi.
202
00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:48,160
We've looked everywhere! We can't
give up now.
203
00:10:48,160 --> 00:10:51,160
This is my daughter's happiness
we're talking about.
204
00:10:51,160 --> 00:10:54,880
Mr Scabby doesn't think my Pakistani
family's good enough.
205
00:10:54,880 --> 00:10:57,840
Who does he think he is?
Donald Trumps?
206
00:10:57,840 --> 00:10:58,960
LAUGHTER
207
00:10:58,960 --> 00:11:02,240
Maybe he's a racialist.
I'm not going to stand for that.
208
00:11:02,240 --> 00:11:05,640
When we see him, I'm going to give
him a piece of my mind. Me too.
209
00:11:05,640 --> 00:11:09,760
Good boy. Not too much, though, ah?
You haven't got a lot to spare.
210
00:11:09,760 --> 00:11:12,080
LAUGHTER
211
00:11:12,080 --> 00:11:13,560
What should we say to him?
212
00:11:13,560 --> 00:11:17,040
Well, we'll tell him he's a
snooty nose and a racialist,
213
00:11:17,040 --> 00:11:19,840
and he can take his hoity-toity
country club
214
00:11:19,840 --> 00:11:21,640
and stick it right up his... That!
215
00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:24,760
That's Scab's Dad.
His real name's Mr Rogers.
216
00:11:24,760 --> 00:11:26,120
Well, where is he then?
217
00:11:26,120 --> 00:11:29,400
Maybe he's in the sauna.
The what? The sauna.
218
00:11:29,400 --> 00:11:31,080
You do know what a sauna is?
219
00:11:31,080 --> 00:11:32,320
HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
220
00:11:32,320 --> 00:11:33,920
Of course!
221
00:11:33,920 --> 00:11:37,720
Of course I know what a sauna
is. I'm not an idiot!
222
00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:48,800
LAUGHTER
223
00:11:54,880 --> 00:11:56,080
Are you all right?
224
00:11:57,120 --> 00:11:58,840
Yes, thank you.
225
00:11:58,840 --> 00:12:01,080
Aren't you a bit hot?
226
00:12:01,080 --> 00:12:02,440
Noooo.
227
00:12:11,040 --> 00:12:13,280
LAUGHTER
Oh!
228
00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:19,600
You do know this is a sauna?
Of course.
229
00:12:19,600 --> 00:12:23,240
This is how we dress in Pakistani
saunas.
230
00:12:24,360 --> 00:12:27,200
I didn't know saunas were the thing
in Pakistan.
231
00:12:27,200 --> 00:12:30,800
Oh, yes! We've got the biggest sauna
in the world.
232
00:12:30,800 --> 00:12:33,160
It's called Karachi.
233
00:12:33,160 --> 00:12:35,400
LAUGHTER
234
00:12:35,400 --> 00:12:40,040
THEY LAUGH
235
00:12:41,040 --> 00:12:43,280
THEY SIGH
236
00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:50,280
Are you looking for someone?
A snotty posh man. Take your pick.
237
00:12:50,280 --> 00:12:53,840
This place is full of uppity
members.
238
00:12:53,840 --> 00:12:56,200
LAUGHTER
239
00:12:56,200 --> 00:12:58,480
You can say that again.
240
00:12:58,480 --> 00:13:01,760
You seem fairly normal.
Normal for Birmingham, anyway.
241
00:13:01,760 --> 00:13:04,840
THEY LAUGH
242
00:13:06,040 --> 00:13:08,280
But my money is just as good as
theirs.
243
00:13:08,280 --> 00:13:10,000
And I've got a lot more of it.
244
00:13:11,560 --> 00:13:13,800
What line of business are you in?
245
00:13:13,800 --> 00:13:16,880
Taxi driver. You sound like a
Pakistani!
246
00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:19,840
THEY LAUGH
247
00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:22,880
When I say driver, I've got my own
private hire firm.
248
00:13:22,880 --> 00:13:24,840
Executive chauffeurs. Oh.
249
00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:28,400
They're all Mercedes. Wow!
250
00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:32,720
Andy Rogers. Pleased to meet you.
251
00:13:32,720 --> 00:13:35,480
Hang on! Your Mr Scabby. Eh?
252
00:13:35,480 --> 00:13:38,680
I'm Mr Khan, Alia's Daddy. Ha!
253
00:13:38,680 --> 00:13:42,920
Fancy meeting you here. I know! Oh,
she's a lovely girl, Alia.
254
00:13:42,920 --> 00:13:45,760
Yeah, we always wondered why we
haven't met her parents.
255
00:13:45,760 --> 00:13:48,520
You know, we thought maybe...
Hello, sir.
256
00:13:48,520 --> 00:13:50,880
LAUGHTER
257
00:13:50,880 --> 00:13:52,840
Hello, Amjad. This is Mr Scabby.
258
00:13:52,840 --> 00:13:54,680
AMJAD GASPS
259
00:13:54,680 --> 00:13:57,080
The racialist! What?!
260
00:13:57,080 --> 00:14:00,920
Amjad, no, no. It's OK, sir.
Leave this to me.
261
00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:04,760
Who do you think you are?
262
00:14:04,760 --> 00:14:08,120
Looking down your nose at us. Amjad,
you silly.
263
00:14:08,120 --> 00:14:10,280
What are you talking about?
264
00:14:10,280 --> 00:14:13,000
You said he was a snooty racist.
No, no, no, no.
265
00:14:13,000 --> 00:14:16,760
I didn't! I didn't, I didn't say
that. I didn't say that!
266
00:14:16,760 --> 00:14:19,040
Yes, you did. Don't you remember?
267
00:14:19,040 --> 00:14:21,920
We're going to give him
a piece of our minds.
268
00:14:21,920 --> 00:14:23,680
I don't know what he's
talking about.
269
00:14:23,680 --> 00:14:27,080
Shh.
270
00:14:27,080 --> 00:14:31,480
We're Pakistani. If you don't want
us, we don't want you.
271
00:14:31,480 --> 00:14:34,480
And you can stick your hoity-toity
country club right up your...
272
00:14:34,480 --> 00:14:37,200
Oops! Butterfingers!
273
00:14:37,200 --> 00:14:39,280
Maybe I should be going.
274
00:14:39,280 --> 00:14:41,840
No, wait! It's all been a
misunderstanding.
275
00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:44,200
Whatever you say.
276
00:14:44,200 --> 00:14:45,560
Oh, twaddi!
277
00:14:46,880 --> 00:14:49,200
Are you hot, sir. Of course I'm hot!
278
00:14:49,200 --> 00:14:52,000
They've got the blooming central
heating turned up.
279
00:14:53,200 --> 00:14:55,400
WATER SPLASHES
280
00:14:55,400 --> 00:14:56,920
LAUGHTER
281
00:15:04,120 --> 00:15:07,360
APPLAUSE
282
00:15:07,360 --> 00:15:09,840
Are you ready? They'll be here any
minute, ah?
283
00:15:09,840 --> 00:15:11,520
Couldn't you have given
me more time?
284
00:15:11,520 --> 00:15:13,680
Why did you have to invite
them round tonight?
285
00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:17,040
Because we want to meet them,
and they want to meet us.
286
00:15:17,040 --> 00:15:19,760
And I might have accidentally called
him a snooty racist.
287
00:15:19,760 --> 00:15:24,320
Oh, my God! It's fine. Just be nice
and give them whatever they want.
288
00:15:24,320 --> 00:15:27,760
They're a very well-off family.
Alia will be set up for life.
289
00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:29,680
You want me to be happy, don't you?
290
00:15:29,680 --> 00:15:31,520
Yes, of course, but...
291
00:15:31,520 --> 00:15:32,840
DOORBELL RINGS
292
00:15:32,840 --> 00:15:33,960
Oh! That's them!
293
00:15:35,080 --> 00:15:36,520
Come in! Come in!
294
00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:40,440
Ooh! What a lovely house! Thank you.
295
00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:41,800
Mrs Khan.
296
00:15:41,800 --> 00:15:45,240
Would you like a pakora?
Oh, yes, please, I love a pakora.
297
00:15:45,240 --> 00:15:49,360
We love a pakora, don't we, And?
We do. We love a pakora. oh, good.
298
00:15:49,360 --> 00:15:51,600
Because we're not racist.
299
00:15:51,600 --> 00:15:55,840
LAUGHTER
300
00:15:55,840 --> 00:15:58,040
No, thank you, sweetie,
301
00:15:58,040 --> 00:16:02,160
These aren't for eating.
We play a game with them.
302
00:16:02,160 --> 00:16:05,000
Have you heard of rock, paper,
scissors?
303
00:16:05,000 --> 00:16:08,920
Well, we play the Pakistani
version. Pakora, paper, scissors.
304
00:16:08,920 --> 00:16:10,440
PAKORA CLUNKS ON PLATE
305
00:16:10,440 --> 00:16:12,240
LAUGHTER
306
00:16:12,240 --> 00:16:13,800
That sounds like fun.
307
00:16:13,800 --> 00:16:16,720
We love learning about different
cultures, don't we, And?
308
00:16:16,720 --> 00:16:20,640
Yeah, we do, yeah. Oh, good.
Because we're not racist.
309
00:16:20,640 --> 00:16:22,720
LAUGHTER
310
00:16:22,720 --> 00:16:25,400
Yes, um, well, please, please.
311
00:16:25,400 --> 00:16:31,000
And about earlier, that was all a
misunderstanding, ah?
312
00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:35,320
I didn't really think you were
racist. I thought you were posh.
313
00:16:35,320 --> 00:16:38,280
But, obviously, you're not posh,
314
00:16:38,280 --> 00:16:41,240
I mean, you're actually very common.
315
00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:45,160
Not, not common! You're all white!
316
00:16:45,160 --> 00:16:48,280
All right! All right! Right.
317
00:16:48,280 --> 00:16:49,320
Right.
318
00:16:49,320 --> 00:16:51,480
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
319
00:16:51,480 --> 00:16:54,280
Would you like something to
drink? Good idea.
320
00:16:54,280 --> 00:16:57,240
I fancy a cocktail.
Oh, I'm sorry, we don't have any...
321
00:16:57,240 --> 00:17:00,880
No! We can do cocktails.
No problem. What?! Are you sure?
322
00:17:00,880 --> 00:17:02,720
I mean, what with you being Muslim.
323
00:17:02,720 --> 00:17:05,600
Oh! Muslim Shuslim!
324
00:17:05,600 --> 00:17:07,240
LAUGHTER
325
00:17:07,240 --> 00:17:10,440
Well, you know, we wouldn't want to
be culturally insensitive.
326
00:17:10,440 --> 00:17:11,880
Oh! Stop being a grumpy drawers,
327
00:17:11,880 --> 00:17:13,880
they're obviously just not very
strict.
328
00:17:13,880 --> 00:17:15,880
You're just not very strict, are
you?
329
00:17:15,880 --> 00:17:18,440
Exactly. We're just not very
strict.
330
00:17:18,440 --> 00:17:23,400
We love the alcohols and
this beard...
331
00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:24,880
hipster.
332
00:17:24,880 --> 00:17:26,160
LAUGHTER
333
00:17:27,560 --> 00:17:30,080
Oh, go on, then,
I'll have a cocktail too.
334
00:17:30,080 --> 00:17:32,120
Yes, something with a bit of a kick
to it.
335
00:17:32,120 --> 00:17:33,840
No problem. You can't...
336
00:17:33,840 --> 00:17:38,680
Shut up, sweetie. Are you mad?! We
can't give them cocktails to drink.
337
00:17:38,680 --> 00:17:43,040
It's haram. They're our guests.
We need to make them feel at home.
338
00:17:43,040 --> 00:17:44,880
GLASSES CHINK
339
00:17:44,880 --> 00:17:47,080
It's for Alia, remember.
340
00:17:47,080 --> 00:17:49,760
But we don't have any alcohol in the
house.
341
00:17:49,760 --> 00:17:51,120
Oh, you must have something.
342
00:17:51,120 --> 00:17:53,920
What about the stuff you clean the
windows with, ah?
343
00:17:53,920 --> 00:17:56,760
You can't give them cleaning fluid
to drink. Why not?
344
00:17:56,760 --> 00:17:58,240
You gave them rocks to eat.
345
00:17:58,240 --> 00:17:59,720
LAUGHTER
346
00:17:59,720 --> 00:18:03,960
Nanny's cough syrup. What?!
Where is the medicine box?
347
00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:06,520
Here we are. Oh, twaddi.
348
00:18:08,320 --> 00:18:11,800
She's got enough in there to keep
her going for another 80 years!
349
00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:14,520
LAUGHTER
350
00:18:14,520 --> 00:18:19,720
Ah, here we are. What are you
doing?!
351
00:18:23,600 --> 00:18:27,160
Shouldn't it be fizzy?
Beers and G & T's are fizzy.
352
00:18:27,160 --> 00:18:30,480
I really don't think we
should do this. Aha!
353
00:18:30,480 --> 00:18:32,360
Hm-mm-mm!
354
00:18:33,400 --> 00:18:36,400
Here we are. That'll sort it.
355
00:18:38,240 --> 00:18:40,240
Ah, look at that!
356
00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:44,600
Needs to be more fizzy.
Think of champagne.
357
00:18:44,600 --> 00:18:46,880
Champagne is always fizzy, ah?
358
00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:48,880
You're going to tell them this
is champagne?
359
00:18:48,880 --> 00:18:52,520
Pakistani champagne like French
champagne, but browner.
360
00:18:52,520 --> 00:18:53,960
LAUGHTER
361
00:18:53,960 --> 00:18:56,280
This will do it. Alka-Seltzer. No!
362
00:18:56,280 --> 00:18:59,280
No! Beti, trust me, I know what I'm
doing.
363
00:19:01,400 --> 00:19:04,040
LAUGHTER
364
00:19:05,720 --> 00:19:08,120
HE HUMS
365
00:19:08,120 --> 00:19:10,120
Perfect.
366
00:19:10,120 --> 00:19:13,800
Here we are. Get stuck into that.
367
00:19:15,440 --> 00:19:19,120
ALL: Cheers.
368
00:19:21,280 --> 00:19:23,600
LAUGHTER
369
00:19:23,600 --> 00:19:24,720
Interesting.
370
00:19:26,400 --> 00:19:28,520
It's Pakistani champagne.
371
00:19:28,520 --> 00:19:30,640
Mm, it tastes more like a liqueur,
doesn't it, And?
372
00:19:30,640 --> 00:19:33,400
It does, it tastes more like a
liqueur.
373
00:19:33,400 --> 00:19:36,160
It's a Pakistani champagne liqueur.
374
00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:39,400
Oh, it's gone straight to
my head.
375
00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:41,320
Reminds me of being on holiday.
376
00:19:41,320 --> 00:19:43,560
All them fancy drinks you
get out there.
377
00:19:43,560 --> 00:19:47,400
What's that stuff we drink
in Marbs, And? Oh, I can't remember.
378
00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:50,320
Oh, that's what happens if you
drink too much of it.
379
00:19:50,320 --> 00:19:53,800
SHE LAUGHS LOUDLY
380
00:19:53,800 --> 00:19:57,240
MR KHAN LAUGHS LOUDLY
381
00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:01,680
We love Marbs, don't we, babes?
382
00:20:01,680 --> 00:20:03,640
We do. We love Marbs.
383
00:20:03,640 --> 00:20:06,400
Oh, we love it too!
384
00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:08,680
Have you been there for your
holiday? Oh, yes.
385
00:20:08,680 --> 00:20:12,000
We love going to Marbs,
don't we, babes?
386
00:20:12,000 --> 00:20:14,600
LAUGHTER
387
00:20:14,600 --> 00:20:16,160
Babes?!
388
00:20:16,160 --> 00:20:18,800
I thought you'd more likely be down
the mosque.
389
00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:20,720
What's a mosque?
390
00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:23,880
THEY LAUGH LOUDLY
391
00:20:23,880 --> 00:20:26,360
MR KHAN LAUGHS LOUDLY
392
00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:33,520
Ohhh, dear. Well, I have to say,
you're not at all like we imagined.
393
00:20:33,520 --> 00:20:35,920
They're not at all like we imagined,
are they?
394
00:20:35,920 --> 00:20:37,720
No, you're not at all like
we imagined.
395
00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:39,480
We're not at all like they imagined.
396
00:20:39,480 --> 00:20:42,640
You know, I've been reading up about
Islam,
397
00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:45,840
and you're very big on charity,
aren't you? Oh, yes.
398
00:20:45,840 --> 00:20:47,840
It's one of the five pillars.
399
00:20:47,840 --> 00:20:50,160
And Suz and I, we've got a lot of
money, haven't we?
400
00:20:50,160 --> 00:20:52,040
We have got a lot of money.
401
00:20:52,040 --> 00:20:55,560
And we were thinking, one day, we
might give it all to charity.
402
00:20:55,560 --> 00:20:57,200
No!
403
00:20:57,200 --> 00:21:01,680
Let's not forget the little-known
sixth pillar of Islam.
404
00:21:02,880 --> 00:21:06,960
Those that shall have loads of
money...
405
00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:09,200
LAUGHTER
406
00:21:10,480 --> 00:21:13,400
..shall give it unto their kinneth
407
00:21:13,400 --> 00:21:16,640
and also unto their in-laws.
408
00:21:17,920 --> 00:21:20,920
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
409
00:21:20,920 --> 00:21:23,680
MR KHAN LAUGHS LOUDLY
410
00:21:23,680 --> 00:21:27,960
Would you like another drink?
Good idea. No, thanks, Mrs K.
411
00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:29,680
Hiya. Oh, Scabby!
412
00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:34,880
What's going on? Oh, Scabby.
Mummy and Daddy have come round.
413
00:21:34,880 --> 00:21:36,920
Whatever they've done,
I'm so sorry.
414
00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:39,360
Uh-oh, And, he's got his little
sulky face on.
415
00:21:39,360 --> 00:21:41,840
He's never liked us meeting
his friends.
416
00:21:41,840 --> 00:21:43,520
He thinks we're embarrassing.
417
00:21:43,520 --> 00:21:46,160
There's no need to be embarrassed
about your parents.
418
00:21:46,160 --> 00:21:49,320
We think they're great.
Oh, that's so nice.
419
00:21:49,320 --> 00:21:52,320
We think you're great too,
don't we, And? We do.
420
00:21:52,320 --> 00:21:54,240
We think you're great.
421
00:21:54,240 --> 00:21:57,440
You see? We're one big happy family.
422
00:21:57,440 --> 00:21:59,600
Well, actually, that is pretty good
news
423
00:21:59,600 --> 00:22:01,160
because there is something
424
00:22:01,160 --> 00:22:03,440
I've been meaning to ask
you for quite a while now.
425
00:22:03,440 --> 00:22:05,480
Yes?
426
00:22:05,480 --> 00:22:09,080
Now, I know I'm not exactly the
son-in-law you were expecting,
427
00:22:09,080 --> 00:22:12,840
but I was hoping to get your
permission to ask Alia to marry me.
428
00:22:12,840 --> 00:22:14,800
I do!
429
00:22:14,800 --> 00:22:16,160
LAUGHTER
430
00:22:16,160 --> 00:22:20,640
What?! Yes, I mean, of course.
MRS KHAN: Oh, my God.
431
00:22:20,640 --> 00:22:23,000
I knew it, I knew he was going to
propose.
432
00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:25,680
She's got a sixth sense when it
comes to romance.
433
00:22:25,680 --> 00:22:28,720
What if she doesn't want to get
married? Oh, she does.
434
00:22:28,720 --> 00:22:31,280
She does want to. She told me.
Really?
435
00:22:31,280 --> 00:22:35,200
Only because I have actually been
carrying round this ring
436
00:22:35,200 --> 00:22:36,840
for a very long time now,
437
00:22:36,840 --> 00:22:39,040
and it just never quite seems to be
the right moment.
438
00:22:39,040 --> 00:22:43,400
Hey, Scabby! Now is the
right moment!
439
00:22:43,400 --> 00:22:45,000
Oh, don't she look lovely?
440
00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:47,400
You can see where she gets her looks
from.
441
00:22:47,400 --> 00:22:49,320
Thank you.
442
00:22:49,320 --> 00:22:51,360
LAUGHTER
443
00:22:51,360 --> 00:22:54,520
Shazia looks more like her mother.
444
00:22:54,520 --> 00:22:58,080
Alia, beti, Scabby has something
he'd like to ask you.
445
00:23:01,360 --> 00:23:04,680
I've been meaning to ask this for
a long time now.
446
00:23:04,680 --> 00:23:06,520
I was just wondering...
447
00:23:08,400 --> 00:23:09,640
..Alia...
448
00:23:11,280 --> 00:23:12,360
..will you marry me?
449
00:23:14,440 --> 00:23:16,520
AUDIENCE: Awww!
450
00:23:16,520 --> 00:23:18,120
No!
451
00:23:18,120 --> 00:23:20,840
LAUGHTER
452
00:23:22,680 --> 00:23:24,560
Would you excuse me a moment?
453
00:23:25,760 --> 00:23:29,560
HE SHOUTS IN URDU
454
00:23:29,560 --> 00:23:32,040
Alia, what's going on?
455
00:23:32,040 --> 00:23:34,440
Did you not understand the question?
456
00:23:34,440 --> 00:23:36,240
Of course I understood the question.
457
00:23:36,240 --> 00:23:38,440
But Scabby's got a ring and
everything.
458
00:23:38,440 --> 00:23:42,560
Then he'll just have to take it
back. Alia, what are you doing?
459
00:23:42,560 --> 00:23:45,440
You said you liked him. I do.
460
00:23:45,440 --> 00:23:48,200
And you told me you wanted to get
married.
461
00:23:48,200 --> 00:23:50,440
Yeah, but that's not what I meant.
462
00:23:50,440 --> 00:23:53,240
What else does getting married mean?
463
00:23:53,240 --> 00:23:56,080
It's just... The thing is...
464
00:23:57,440 --> 00:23:59,320
..I got my exam results.
465
00:23:59,320 --> 00:24:03,360
It's OK, beti, you just take them
again, like you always do.
466
00:24:03,360 --> 00:24:05,760
No, you don't understand.
467
00:24:05,760 --> 00:24:08,480
I passed them. You did WHAT?!
468
00:24:08,480 --> 00:24:10,280
LAUGHTER
469
00:24:10,280 --> 00:24:12,680
I passed them! What? ALL of them?!
470
00:24:14,280 --> 00:24:18,320
Alia, beti! I'm so proud of you!
471
00:24:18,320 --> 00:24:19,400
Thanks, papati.
472
00:24:19,400 --> 00:24:21,280
It means I can go to university.
473
00:24:21,280 --> 00:24:24,640
My little girl's going to
university!
474
00:24:24,640 --> 00:24:27,080
The first one in our family.
475
00:24:27,080 --> 00:24:29,440
Shazia went to uni. That doesn't
count.
476
00:24:29,440 --> 00:24:31,320
LAUGHTER
477
00:24:31,320 --> 00:24:33,200
So, which one are you
going to go to?
478
00:24:33,200 --> 00:24:36,400
Birmingham City University or
The University of Birmingham?
479
00:24:36,400 --> 00:24:38,640
Neither. But none of the rest
are in Birmingham!
480
00:24:38,640 --> 00:24:42,160
I know! I got a place at one called
Glasgow. I think it's in Wales.
481
00:24:42,160 --> 00:24:44,640
LAUGHTER
482
00:24:44,640 --> 00:24:48,240
All right. So that's why I don't
need to get married.
483
00:24:48,240 --> 00:24:50,000
I don't understand.
484
00:24:50,000 --> 00:24:52,480
I'm living at home with my parents.
485
00:24:52,480 --> 00:24:55,040
I felt like I was going to be stuck
here forever.
486
00:24:55,040 --> 00:24:57,920
Stuck? You know what I mean.
487
00:24:57,920 --> 00:25:00,520
I can't always be Daddy's girl.
488
00:25:00,520 --> 00:25:01,680
Oh...
489
00:25:01,680 --> 00:25:03,600
AUDIENCE: Awww.
490
00:25:03,600 --> 00:25:05,120
I need a bit of freedom.
491
00:25:06,360 --> 00:25:10,920
I thought getting married was going
to be my only chance to get it.
492
00:25:10,920 --> 00:25:12,800
I see.
493
00:25:12,800 --> 00:25:14,720
I'm sorry.
494
00:25:14,720 --> 00:25:16,680
You do understand, don't you?
495
00:25:16,680 --> 00:25:18,920
I do. I do understand, Alia, beti.
496
00:25:20,240 --> 00:25:24,520
After all, I am your papati.
497
00:25:24,520 --> 00:25:26,240
AUDIENCE: Awww.
498
00:25:26,240 --> 00:25:29,440
But for future reference,
if you're looking for freedom,
499
00:25:29,440 --> 00:25:31,880
getting married doesn't
have very much.
500
00:25:31,880 --> 00:25:34,400
LAUGHTER
501
00:25:38,880 --> 00:25:40,480
Well?
502
00:25:40,480 --> 00:25:42,560
You know, when you think about it,
503
00:25:42,560 --> 00:25:46,000
are you sure you even want to get
married? Oh, my God!
504
00:25:46,000 --> 00:25:49,760
It's us, isn't it? A bit too common
for you, are we?
505
00:25:49,760 --> 00:25:52,520
What? Not sophisticated enough.
506
00:25:52,520 --> 00:25:57,040
Just cos we've got gold-plated
mixer taps in the toilet. No.
507
00:25:57,040 --> 00:25:59,640
I'd love to have gold-plated...
508
00:25:59,640 --> 00:26:02,480
Anyway, we're much more common than
you are.
509
00:26:02,480 --> 00:26:03,880
Especially her.
510
00:26:03,880 --> 00:26:05,800
SHE SPEAKS URDU
511
00:26:05,800 --> 00:26:08,880
See? Well, what is it then? It's me.
512
00:26:11,200 --> 00:26:14,240
Alia... I'm sorry, I really am.
513
00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:17,160
You know how I feel about you.
Then, why?
514
00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:20,800
I passed my retakes.
I'm going away to university.
515
00:26:20,800 --> 00:26:22,440
I can't believe this.
516
00:26:22,440 --> 00:26:25,080
MRS KHAN: Neither can I!
You passed your retakes?!
517
00:26:25,080 --> 00:26:27,400
LAUGHTER
518
00:26:27,400 --> 00:26:29,760
We could still make it work.
519
00:26:29,760 --> 00:26:31,000
Yeah.
520
00:26:32,000 --> 00:26:34,200
Not really, though.
521
00:26:34,200 --> 00:26:36,840
Long distance relationships never
really work out.
522
00:26:36,840 --> 00:26:38,800
LAUGHTER
523
00:26:38,800 --> 00:26:42,800
Oh, Scabby, my poor baby.
Come on, son, let's go.
524
00:26:42,800 --> 00:26:44,800
We know when we're not welcome.
525
00:26:44,800 --> 00:26:47,120
I guess a five-bedroom
executive home
526
00:26:47,120 --> 00:26:51,120
and an S-class Mercedes isn't
good enough for some people.
527
00:26:51,120 --> 00:26:52,720
LAUGHTER
528
00:26:52,720 --> 00:26:57,800
No, listen, Scabby, just because you
and Alia have broken up,
529
00:26:57,800 --> 00:27:00,120
we can still be friends, ah?
530
00:27:00,120 --> 00:27:03,400
Yeah, that never really works out
either, though, does it?
531
00:27:08,400 --> 00:27:10,520
I feel it in my fingers...
532
00:27:10,520 --> 00:27:12,920
HE CRIES
533
00:27:12,920 --> 00:27:14,360
Are you OK?
534
00:27:16,240 --> 00:27:17,640
SOBS: I'm OK!
535
00:27:18,760 --> 00:27:20,120
Aw.
536
00:27:20,120 --> 00:27:23,000
I just really, really liked him.
537
00:27:23,000 --> 00:27:26,960
Aw. I thought it could be forever!
538
00:27:26,960 --> 00:27:28,240
I know.
539
00:27:29,600 --> 00:27:32,720
But it's OK, you can still play
football.
540
00:27:32,720 --> 00:27:35,360
Huh? With Amjad.
541
00:27:35,360 --> 00:27:38,640
HE HOWLS
542
00:27:41,560 --> 00:27:45,080
# So if you really love me
543
00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:47,880
Come on and let it show...
544
00:27:47,930 --> 00:27:52,480
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