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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,620 --> 00:00:07,300 Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham - the capital of British Pakistan. 2 00:00:13,520 --> 00:00:14,800 They all know me. 3 00:00:14,800 --> 00:00:16,080 You like my suit? 4 00:00:17,720 --> 00:00:19,720 Number one, Citizen Khan. 5 00:00:23,120 --> 00:00:27,840 Hey! Goal! You know, this is the best present ever. 6 00:00:27,840 --> 00:00:30,080 It's better than anything Amjad has given me. 7 00:00:30,080 --> 00:00:33,760 I gave you two grandchildren? That was mostly Shazia. 8 00:00:33,760 --> 00:00:38,040 I wouldn't stand there if I were you. You'll get hurt! 9 00:00:38,040 --> 00:00:41,160 I can't believe I've known you guys for nearly a year now. 10 00:00:41,160 --> 00:00:43,000 You've been so welcoming 11 00:00:43,000 --> 00:00:45,680 - and I know I'm not exactly what you had in mind for Alia. 12 00:00:45,680 --> 00:00:50,320 Scabby, don't be silly. We all think you're great. Don't we, Amjad? 13 00:00:50,320 --> 00:00:52,120 He's all right. 14 00:00:52,120 --> 00:00:56,280 Hey, look, I've even got a Pakistani team, huh? 15 00:00:56,280 --> 00:01:00,440 Look! It's Athletico Rawalpindi! KHAN LAUGHS 16 00:01:02,160 --> 00:01:03,400 Get in. 17 00:01:03,400 --> 00:01:05,240 Oh, twaddi. 18 00:01:05,240 --> 00:01:07,440 Maybe it's time for a substitution. 19 00:01:07,440 --> 00:01:08,480 Oh... 20 00:01:10,000 --> 00:01:12,600 KHAN LAUGHS 21 00:01:12,600 --> 00:01:15,200 It's Bobby Moore, Hamid and his cousins. 22 00:01:15,200 --> 00:01:17,880 Hey, do you remember the time we tried to get into 23 00:01:17,880 --> 00:01:21,360 the Villa Park away, pretending to be Cardiff City supporters? 24 00:01:21,360 --> 00:01:23,200 THEY LAUGH 25 00:01:23,200 --> 00:01:24,600 All right, boyo? 26 00:01:24,600 --> 00:01:28,000 Hey, if you say in a Pakistani accent, 'All right, boyo?' 27 00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:29,200 THEY LAUGH 28 00:01:29,200 --> 00:01:32,560 Oh, sir, remember that time when we tried to get...? No. 29 00:01:32,560 --> 00:01:36,680 Am, for the final time, I wouldn't stand there if I were you. 30 00:01:36,680 --> 00:01:38,200 Sorry, sir. 31 00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:42,520 Look out for my super shooter! 32 00:01:44,360 --> 00:01:45,800 AMJAD STRAINS 33 00:01:45,800 --> 00:01:48,800 Oh! I missed the ball! 34 00:01:48,800 --> 00:01:51,200 I don't think you did. 35 00:02:00,160 --> 00:02:03,320 # One-nil to the Pakistan! 36 00:02:03,320 --> 00:02:06,680 One-nil to the Pakistan! 37 00:02:06,680 --> 00:02:10,520 I said, ooh, ah, Mr Khan! I said, ooh, ah, Mr Khan! 38 00:02:10,520 --> 00:02:12,680 Oh, hello, beti. 39 00:02:12,680 --> 00:02:14,120 Hi. 40 00:02:14,120 --> 00:02:16,400 Ah, it's for Amjad. He hurt... 41 00:02:16,400 --> 00:02:18,880 KHAN CLEARS HIS THROAT ..he hurt himself. 42 00:02:18,880 --> 00:02:22,400 "Eases pain and reduces inflammation". 43 00:02:22,400 --> 00:02:25,000 Hm. Oh, well. You can't have everything, huh? 44 00:02:26,320 --> 00:02:27,640 Everything OK? 45 00:02:27,640 --> 00:02:32,800 I get my exam results today. Oh, you mean your A-level retakes? 46 00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:35,440 Re-retakes? 47 00:02:36,680 --> 00:02:38,440 Re-re-retakes? 48 00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:41,560 Three takes! 49 00:02:43,120 --> 00:02:44,840 It's getting embarrassing. 50 00:02:44,840 --> 00:02:49,160 I'm never going to get to go to university. Alia, beti... 51 00:02:49,160 --> 00:02:51,440 It doesn't matter. 52 00:02:51,440 --> 00:02:55,960 I never went to university and look at me, I turned out all right. 53 00:02:55,960 --> 00:03:00,040 People like us don't need to go to university. 54 00:03:00,040 --> 00:03:03,280 We just get by on our looks, huh? Look. 55 00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:06,400 I suppose. 56 00:03:06,400 --> 00:03:10,280 Anyway, you know you can live with your mummy and daddy 57 00:03:10,280 --> 00:03:14,440 for as long as you want. I'm not a baby any more, papati. 58 00:03:14,440 --> 00:03:18,320 Of course not, huh? You're very independent, huh? 59 00:03:18,320 --> 00:03:20,120 Here. 60 00:03:20,120 --> 00:03:21,720 Have some money. 61 00:03:21,720 --> 00:03:23,440 KHAN LAUGHS 62 00:03:23,440 --> 00:03:28,000 Oh, you know, I remember when your mother was your age, 63 00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:32,080 she lived at home with her parents back in Pakistan, 64 00:03:32,080 --> 00:03:36,920 while I was here trying to make my way, and eventually, she joined me. 65 00:03:36,920 --> 00:03:38,960 We got married and... 66 00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:42,280 we began a whole new life together. 67 00:03:42,280 --> 00:03:43,600 Just the two of us. 68 00:03:45,080 --> 00:03:49,320 And then, Naani kept visiting and now we're back where we started. 69 00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:51,200 That's funny, because... 70 00:03:51,200 --> 00:03:53,920 I was thinking I might do the same thing as you. 71 00:03:53,920 --> 00:03:55,960 You want to put Naani in a home, too? 72 00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:57,640 No. 73 00:03:57,640 --> 00:04:01,160 I was thinking about... getting married? 74 00:04:01,160 --> 00:04:04,720 What? Absolutely not! I forbid it! 75 00:04:04,720 --> 00:04:09,120 You don't want me to marry Scab? Scabby? Of course! 76 00:04:09,120 --> 00:04:14,080 That would be amazeballs. You do like him, don't you? Like him? 77 00:04:14,080 --> 00:04:17,440 I think he's great. He's really nice. Huh... 78 00:04:17,440 --> 00:04:21,080 And kind and considerate... 79 00:04:21,080 --> 00:04:23,560 And caring. Yeah. 80 00:04:23,560 --> 00:04:27,560 I like the way he laughs at all your jokes. Me too. 81 00:04:27,560 --> 00:04:30,040 And the way he makes you feel better, 82 00:04:30,040 --> 00:04:32,080 even when you're feeling down. 83 00:04:32,080 --> 00:04:33,480 Right. 84 00:04:33,480 --> 00:04:38,480 The other day, Scabby and I, we took a walk in the park, 85 00:04:38,480 --> 00:04:42,600 feeding the birds, when Scabby turned round and said... 86 00:04:42,600 --> 00:04:44,680 Anyone would think you were in love with him. 87 00:04:44,680 --> 00:04:47,840 Not in love with him, sweetie, we just get on really well and... 88 00:04:47,840 --> 00:04:50,840 I don't know. It just feels different with him. 89 00:04:50,840 --> 00:04:53,000 So... you approve? 90 00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:54,840 Of course I approve! 91 00:04:54,840 --> 00:04:58,600 You've made me the happiest man in Sparkhill! 92 00:04:58,600 --> 00:05:00,240 KHAN LAUGHS 93 00:05:00,240 --> 00:05:04,080 I said, ooh, ah, Alia! I said ooh, ah, Alia! 94 00:05:04,080 --> 00:05:05,880 KHAN WHOOPS AND LAUGHS 95 00:05:11,600 --> 00:05:13,760 You're not going to believe what's just happened! 96 00:05:13,760 --> 00:05:16,160 You bought me that's dishwasher from Currys. 97 00:05:16,160 --> 00:05:18,880 No. Oh. What, then? 98 00:05:18,880 --> 00:05:21,760 Well, after keeping us waiting for nearly a year, 99 00:05:21,760 --> 00:05:25,280 Alia's finally decided to get married. Oh, my God! 100 00:05:25,280 --> 00:05:28,720 That's what I said. To Scabby? Of course to Scabby. 101 00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:32,360 Isn't it amazing? Has he done the right thing and popped the question? 102 00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:35,560 Not yet, he's probably just waiting for the right moment to catch me. 103 00:05:35,560 --> 00:05:36,840 Not you! Her! 104 00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:42,360 Oh, right. Well, I'm sure he will, any minute. How do you know? 105 00:05:42,360 --> 00:05:45,120 Because Alia said that she wants him to. 106 00:05:45,120 --> 00:05:48,880 And between you and me, she's quite good at getting what she wants. 107 00:05:48,880 --> 00:05:53,280 Really? Right! We need to get organised. 108 00:05:53,280 --> 00:05:56,520 What's that? The seating plan for Alia's wedding. 109 00:05:58,200 --> 00:05:59,360 Hang on. 110 00:05:59,360 --> 00:06:05,000 Mrs Jamil, dead. Mr Adil, dead. Mrs Adil? Very dead! 111 00:06:05,000 --> 00:06:08,520 That's because I made it on the day she was born. Huh. 112 00:06:08,520 --> 00:06:11,200 Oh, well. At least it will be a cheap wedding. 113 00:06:11,200 --> 00:06:14,080 No, it won't. There's so much to do. 114 00:06:14,080 --> 00:06:18,520 We have to book a venue, order invitations, sort the caterers. 115 00:06:18,520 --> 00:06:21,800 We haven't even met his parents yet. Of course. 116 00:06:21,800 --> 00:06:23,080 We should sit down with them 117 00:06:23,080 --> 00:06:24,920 and make all the important arrangements, 118 00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:27,640 like how much of the wedding they're paying for. 119 00:06:27,640 --> 00:06:29,360 Dad, what have you done to Amjad? 120 00:06:29,360 --> 00:06:31,200 He's fine. Here. 121 00:06:31,200 --> 00:06:34,440 Hey, have you heard the exciting news about Alia and Scabby? 122 00:06:34,440 --> 00:06:37,720 They're getting married. What? I'm doing the guest list. 123 00:06:37,720 --> 00:06:39,400 We need to organise it early 124 00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:42,200 so it doesn't turn into a disaster, like... 125 00:06:42,200 --> 00:06:44,720 previous weddings involving some of our other children. 126 00:06:44,720 --> 00:06:45,800 KHAN CLEARS HIS THROAT 127 00:06:45,800 --> 00:06:48,200 You know, I always thought if ever I were to have 128 00:06:48,200 --> 00:06:51,040 a son-in-law, it would be someone like Scabby. 129 00:06:51,040 --> 00:06:56,360 Dad... Hm? You do have a son-in-law. Oh, yes. Sorry, Amjad. 130 00:06:56,360 --> 00:06:57,720 That's OK, sir. 131 00:06:57,720 --> 00:07:01,560 I suppose son-in-laws are just like your own children, huh? 132 00:07:01,560 --> 00:07:03,480 You make a mistake with the first one, 133 00:07:03,480 --> 00:07:05,960 but you get it right the second time around. 134 00:07:08,160 --> 00:07:10,560 No. No, stop it. Stop it! 135 00:07:10,560 --> 00:07:13,960 There they are! The happy couple! 136 00:07:16,480 --> 00:07:17,640 Oh... 137 00:07:17,640 --> 00:07:19,760 Are you waiting for someone to give you a ring? 138 00:07:19,760 --> 00:07:22,480 KHAN LAUGHS Leave them alone! 139 00:07:22,480 --> 00:07:25,280 So, Scabby, we were just saying, 140 00:07:25,280 --> 00:07:29,040 maybe it's about time we got together with your parents. 141 00:07:29,040 --> 00:07:32,520 What? Me and Mr Khan, we should meet up with your parents. 142 00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:35,680 I'm sure we'll have a lot to talk about. Um... 143 00:07:35,680 --> 00:07:37,560 Well, you can't. Why not? 144 00:07:37,560 --> 00:07:41,360 They... live out of town, er, miles away, miles, in fact 145 00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:45,920 and dad, er, drinks and mum is pretty, you know, 146 00:07:45,920 --> 00:07:49,680 so it's very hard to get them out the house. OK... 147 00:07:49,680 --> 00:07:53,920 Ooh, erm, yeah, I've got to go, but thanks. I'll see you. 148 00:07:53,920 --> 00:07:55,240 Khodafez. 149 00:07:57,120 --> 00:07:59,960 Papati! What have you done? 150 00:07:59,960 --> 00:08:02,760 SHAZIA: His parents don't live out of town. 151 00:08:02,760 --> 00:08:04,840 They live in a swanky bit of Edgbaston. 152 00:08:04,840 --> 00:08:07,640 They're members of that fancy country club. 153 00:08:07,640 --> 00:08:09,560 Debbie says they're always down there. 154 00:08:09,560 --> 00:08:13,160 But why would he lie about his parents? 155 00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:16,040 Maybe he doesn't want you to meet them. Why not? 156 00:08:16,040 --> 00:08:18,040 We haven't got a problem with Scab. 157 00:08:19,160 --> 00:08:21,160 Maybe they have a problem with Alia. 158 00:08:21,160 --> 00:08:23,920 Maybe she isn't exactly what they were expecting. 159 00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:25,640 You mean...? What? 160 00:08:25,640 --> 00:08:27,720 ..they don't approve of her? What? 161 00:08:29,480 --> 00:08:31,480 She's not good enough for them! 162 00:08:31,480 --> 00:08:33,600 How dare they! Go on, Amjad! 163 00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:36,680 Huh? Where are we going, sir? The country club. 164 00:08:36,680 --> 00:08:38,400 Would we be swimming? 165 00:08:38,400 --> 00:08:41,520 Because I should wait till the swelling goes down? 166 00:08:43,160 --> 00:08:46,200 Maybe you shouldn't get involved? If it's not meant to be? 167 00:08:46,200 --> 00:08:48,600 Rubbish, I won't let them stand in the way 168 00:08:48,600 --> 00:08:50,960 of those two young people's happiness. 169 00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:55,440 She's perfect for him and he's perfect for me. Her! Her! Her! 170 00:08:55,440 --> 00:08:57,240 Come on! KHAN CLEARS HIS THROAT 171 00:09:08,240 --> 00:09:12,000 Wow! Look at this place! It's very exclusive. 172 00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:13,880 It doesn't impress me, Amjad. 173 00:09:13,880 --> 00:09:17,840 All the people in these country clubs are posh old blazer types. Ha! 174 00:09:17,840 --> 00:09:20,720 You know, part of the old boys network. 175 00:09:20,720 --> 00:09:23,480 You know what that is, don't you? I think so. 176 00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:26,000 It's on our cable package, but Shazia doesn't let 177 00:09:26,000 --> 00:09:27,320 me watch those channels. 178 00:09:27,320 --> 00:09:28,720 LAUGHTER 179 00:09:28,720 --> 00:09:33,120 No! They all go to the same school. You know, give each other jobs. 180 00:09:33,120 --> 00:09:36,520 They're like one big family, even bigger than a Pakistani one. 181 00:09:36,520 --> 00:09:38,240 But, sir, you're old and a boy. 182 00:09:38,240 --> 00:09:40,440 Why aren't you part of the network? 183 00:09:40,440 --> 00:09:43,560 Amjad, the people in these old boy networks wear stripy ties, 184 00:09:43,560 --> 00:09:46,120 old-fashioned suits and talk in a funny accent. 185 00:09:46,120 --> 00:09:47,400 They're nothing like me. 186 00:09:47,400 --> 00:09:48,880 LAUGHTER OK. 187 00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:51,120 They're all probably part of the Masons, you know, 188 00:09:51,120 --> 00:09:53,400 with rolled-up trousers and the funny handshakes. 189 00:09:53,400 --> 00:09:54,520 Right. 190 00:09:55,960 --> 00:09:57,240 HE CLEARS HIS THROAT 191 00:09:57,240 --> 00:10:01,280 Khan. K, H for hat, A for Asian, N for knowledge. 192 00:10:02,520 --> 00:10:04,120 LAUGHTER 193 00:10:04,120 --> 00:10:07,240 I'm trying to get my hands on a certain Scabby. 194 00:10:15,640 --> 00:10:17,240 LAUGHTER 195 00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:24,600 Oh, I get it. The funny handshake, fine. 196 00:10:24,600 --> 00:10:26,160 HE SPITS 197 00:10:27,480 --> 00:10:28,880 HE CRACKS HIS KNUCKLES 198 00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:31,440 Hi, love. Hi. 199 00:10:33,760 --> 00:10:36,600 Have you been waiting long? Where are we going for lunch? 200 00:10:36,600 --> 00:10:38,200 LAUGHTER 201 00:10:38,200 --> 00:10:40,560 Come on, Amjad. Jaldi. Jaldi. 202 00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:48,160 We've looked everywhere! We can't give up now. 203 00:10:48,160 --> 00:10:51,160 This is my daughter's happiness we're talking about. 204 00:10:51,160 --> 00:10:54,880 Mr Scabby doesn't think my Pakistani family's good enough. 205 00:10:54,880 --> 00:10:57,840 Who does he think he is? Donald Trumps? 206 00:10:57,840 --> 00:10:58,960 LAUGHTER 207 00:10:58,960 --> 00:11:02,240 Maybe he's a racialist. I'm not going to stand for that. 208 00:11:02,240 --> 00:11:05,640 When we see him, I'm going to give him a piece of my mind. Me too. 209 00:11:05,640 --> 00:11:09,760 Good boy. Not too much, though, ah? You haven't got a lot to spare. 210 00:11:09,760 --> 00:11:12,080 LAUGHTER 211 00:11:12,080 --> 00:11:13,560 What should we say to him? 212 00:11:13,560 --> 00:11:17,040 Well, we'll tell him he's a snooty nose and a racialist, 213 00:11:17,040 --> 00:11:19,840 and he can take his hoity-toity country club 214 00:11:19,840 --> 00:11:21,640 and stick it right up his... That! 215 00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:24,760 That's Scab's Dad. His real name's Mr Rogers. 216 00:11:24,760 --> 00:11:26,120 Well, where is he then? 217 00:11:26,120 --> 00:11:29,400 Maybe he's in the sauna. The what? The sauna. 218 00:11:29,400 --> 00:11:31,080 You do know what a sauna is? 219 00:11:31,080 --> 00:11:32,320 HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY 220 00:11:32,320 --> 00:11:33,920 Of course! 221 00:11:33,920 --> 00:11:37,720 Of course I know what a sauna is. I'm not an idiot! 222 00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:48,800 LAUGHTER 223 00:11:54,880 --> 00:11:56,080 Are you all right? 224 00:11:57,120 --> 00:11:58,840 Yes, thank you. 225 00:11:58,840 --> 00:12:01,080 Aren't you a bit hot? 226 00:12:01,080 --> 00:12:02,440 Noooo. 227 00:12:11,040 --> 00:12:13,280 LAUGHTER Oh! 228 00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:19,600 You do know this is a sauna? Of course. 229 00:12:19,600 --> 00:12:23,240 This is how we dress in Pakistani saunas. 230 00:12:24,360 --> 00:12:27,200 I didn't know saunas were the thing in Pakistan. 231 00:12:27,200 --> 00:12:30,800 Oh, yes! We've got the biggest sauna in the world. 232 00:12:30,800 --> 00:12:33,160 It's called Karachi. 233 00:12:33,160 --> 00:12:35,400 LAUGHTER 234 00:12:35,400 --> 00:12:40,040 THEY LAUGH 235 00:12:41,040 --> 00:12:43,280 THEY SIGH 236 00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:50,280 Are you looking for someone? A snotty posh man. Take your pick. 237 00:12:50,280 --> 00:12:53,840 This place is full of uppity members. 238 00:12:53,840 --> 00:12:56,200 LAUGHTER 239 00:12:56,200 --> 00:12:58,480 You can say that again. 240 00:12:58,480 --> 00:13:01,760 You seem fairly normal. Normal for Birmingham, anyway. 241 00:13:01,760 --> 00:13:04,840 THEY LAUGH 242 00:13:06,040 --> 00:13:08,280 But my money is just as good as theirs. 243 00:13:08,280 --> 00:13:10,000 And I've got a lot more of it. 244 00:13:11,560 --> 00:13:13,800 What line of business are you in? 245 00:13:13,800 --> 00:13:16,880 Taxi driver. You sound like a Pakistani! 246 00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:19,840 THEY LAUGH 247 00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:22,880 When I say driver, I've got my own private hire firm. 248 00:13:22,880 --> 00:13:24,840 Executive chauffeurs. Oh. 249 00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:28,400 They're all Mercedes. Wow! 250 00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:32,720 Andy Rogers. Pleased to meet you. 251 00:13:32,720 --> 00:13:35,480 Hang on! Your Mr Scabby. Eh? 252 00:13:35,480 --> 00:13:38,680 I'm Mr Khan, Alia's Daddy. Ha! 253 00:13:38,680 --> 00:13:42,920 Fancy meeting you here. I know! Oh, she's a lovely girl, Alia. 254 00:13:42,920 --> 00:13:45,760 Yeah, we always wondered why we haven't met her parents. 255 00:13:45,760 --> 00:13:48,520 You know, we thought maybe... Hello, sir. 256 00:13:48,520 --> 00:13:50,880 LAUGHTER 257 00:13:50,880 --> 00:13:52,840 Hello, Amjad. This is Mr Scabby. 258 00:13:52,840 --> 00:13:54,680 AMJAD GASPS 259 00:13:54,680 --> 00:13:57,080 The racialist! What?! 260 00:13:57,080 --> 00:14:00,920 Amjad, no, no. It's OK, sir. Leave this to me. 261 00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:04,760 Who do you think you are? 262 00:14:04,760 --> 00:14:08,120 Looking down your nose at us. Amjad, you silly. 263 00:14:08,120 --> 00:14:10,280 What are you talking about? 264 00:14:10,280 --> 00:14:13,000 You said he was a snooty racist. No, no, no, no. 265 00:14:13,000 --> 00:14:16,760 I didn't! I didn't, I didn't say that. I didn't say that! 266 00:14:16,760 --> 00:14:19,040 Yes, you did. Don't you remember? 267 00:14:19,040 --> 00:14:21,920 We're going to give him a piece of our minds. 268 00:14:21,920 --> 00:14:23,680 I don't know what he's talking about. 269 00:14:23,680 --> 00:14:27,080 Shh. 270 00:14:27,080 --> 00:14:31,480 We're Pakistani. If you don't want us, we don't want you. 271 00:14:31,480 --> 00:14:34,480 And you can stick your hoity-toity country club right up your... 272 00:14:34,480 --> 00:14:37,200 Oops! Butterfingers! 273 00:14:37,200 --> 00:14:39,280 Maybe I should be going. 274 00:14:39,280 --> 00:14:41,840 No, wait! It's all been a misunderstanding. 275 00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:44,200 Whatever you say. 276 00:14:44,200 --> 00:14:45,560 Oh, twaddi! 277 00:14:46,880 --> 00:14:49,200 Are you hot, sir. Of course I'm hot! 278 00:14:49,200 --> 00:14:52,000 They've got the blooming central heating turned up. 279 00:14:53,200 --> 00:14:55,400 WATER SPLASHES 280 00:14:55,400 --> 00:14:56,920 LAUGHTER 281 00:15:04,120 --> 00:15:07,360 APPLAUSE 282 00:15:07,360 --> 00:15:09,840 Are you ready? They'll be here any minute, ah? 283 00:15:09,840 --> 00:15:11,520 Couldn't you have given me more time? 284 00:15:11,520 --> 00:15:13,680 Why did you have to invite them round tonight? 285 00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:17,040 Because we want to meet them, and they want to meet us. 286 00:15:17,040 --> 00:15:19,760 And I might have accidentally called him a snooty racist. 287 00:15:19,760 --> 00:15:24,320 Oh, my God! It's fine. Just be nice and give them whatever they want. 288 00:15:24,320 --> 00:15:27,760 They're a very well-off family. Alia will be set up for life. 289 00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:29,680 You want me to be happy, don't you? 290 00:15:29,680 --> 00:15:31,520 Yes, of course, but... 291 00:15:31,520 --> 00:15:32,840 DOORBELL RINGS 292 00:15:32,840 --> 00:15:33,960 Oh! That's them! 293 00:15:35,080 --> 00:15:36,520 Come in! Come in! 294 00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:40,440 Ooh! What a lovely house! Thank you. 295 00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:41,800 Mrs Khan. 296 00:15:41,800 --> 00:15:45,240 Would you like a pakora? Oh, yes, please, I love a pakora. 297 00:15:45,240 --> 00:15:49,360 We love a pakora, don't we, And? We do. We love a pakora. oh, good. 298 00:15:49,360 --> 00:15:51,600 Because we're not racist. 299 00:15:51,600 --> 00:15:55,840 LAUGHTER 300 00:15:55,840 --> 00:15:58,040 No, thank you, sweetie, 301 00:15:58,040 --> 00:16:02,160 These aren't for eating. We play a game with them. 302 00:16:02,160 --> 00:16:05,000 Have you heard of rock, paper, scissors? 303 00:16:05,000 --> 00:16:08,920 Well, we play the Pakistani version. Pakora, paper, scissors. 304 00:16:08,920 --> 00:16:10,440 PAKORA CLUNKS ON PLATE 305 00:16:10,440 --> 00:16:12,240 LAUGHTER 306 00:16:12,240 --> 00:16:13,800 That sounds like fun. 307 00:16:13,800 --> 00:16:16,720 We love learning about different cultures, don't we, And? 308 00:16:16,720 --> 00:16:20,640 Yeah, we do, yeah. Oh, good. Because we're not racist. 309 00:16:20,640 --> 00:16:22,720 LAUGHTER 310 00:16:22,720 --> 00:16:25,400 Yes, um, well, please, please. 311 00:16:25,400 --> 00:16:31,000 And about earlier, that was all a misunderstanding, ah? 312 00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:35,320 I didn't really think you were racist. I thought you were posh. 313 00:16:35,320 --> 00:16:38,280 But, obviously, you're not posh, 314 00:16:38,280 --> 00:16:41,240 I mean, you're actually very common. 315 00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:45,160 Not, not common! You're all white! 316 00:16:45,160 --> 00:16:48,280 All right! All right! Right. 317 00:16:48,280 --> 00:16:49,320 Right. 318 00:16:49,320 --> 00:16:51,480 HE CLEARS HIS THROAT 319 00:16:51,480 --> 00:16:54,280 Would you like something to drink? Good idea. 320 00:16:54,280 --> 00:16:57,240 I fancy a cocktail. Oh, I'm sorry, we don't have any... 321 00:16:57,240 --> 00:17:00,880 No! We can do cocktails. No problem. What?! Are you sure? 322 00:17:00,880 --> 00:17:02,720 I mean, what with you being Muslim. 323 00:17:02,720 --> 00:17:05,600 Oh! Muslim Shuslim! 324 00:17:05,600 --> 00:17:07,240 LAUGHTER 325 00:17:07,240 --> 00:17:10,440 Well, you know, we wouldn't want to be culturally insensitive. 326 00:17:10,440 --> 00:17:11,880 Oh! Stop being a grumpy drawers, 327 00:17:11,880 --> 00:17:13,880 they're obviously just not very strict. 328 00:17:13,880 --> 00:17:15,880 You're just not very strict, are you? 329 00:17:15,880 --> 00:17:18,440 Exactly. We're just not very strict. 330 00:17:18,440 --> 00:17:23,400 We love the alcohols and this beard... 331 00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:24,880 hipster. 332 00:17:24,880 --> 00:17:26,160 LAUGHTER 333 00:17:27,560 --> 00:17:30,080 Oh, go on, then, I'll have a cocktail too. 334 00:17:30,080 --> 00:17:32,120 Yes, something with a bit of a kick to it. 335 00:17:32,120 --> 00:17:33,840 No problem. You can't... 336 00:17:33,840 --> 00:17:38,680 Shut up, sweetie. Are you mad?! We can't give them cocktails to drink. 337 00:17:38,680 --> 00:17:43,040 It's haram. They're our guests. We need to make them feel at home. 338 00:17:43,040 --> 00:17:44,880 GLASSES CHINK 339 00:17:44,880 --> 00:17:47,080 It's for Alia, remember. 340 00:17:47,080 --> 00:17:49,760 But we don't have any alcohol in the house. 341 00:17:49,760 --> 00:17:51,120 Oh, you must have something. 342 00:17:51,120 --> 00:17:53,920 What about the stuff you clean the windows with, ah? 343 00:17:53,920 --> 00:17:56,760 You can't give them cleaning fluid to drink. Why not? 344 00:17:56,760 --> 00:17:58,240 You gave them rocks to eat. 345 00:17:58,240 --> 00:17:59,720 LAUGHTER 346 00:17:59,720 --> 00:18:03,960 Nanny's cough syrup. What?! Where is the medicine box? 347 00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:06,520 Here we are. Oh, twaddi. 348 00:18:08,320 --> 00:18:11,800 She's got enough in there to keep her going for another 80 years! 349 00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:14,520 LAUGHTER 350 00:18:14,520 --> 00:18:19,720 Ah, here we are. What are you doing?! 351 00:18:23,600 --> 00:18:27,160 Shouldn't it be fizzy? Beers and G & T's are fizzy. 352 00:18:27,160 --> 00:18:30,480 I really don't think we should do this. Aha! 353 00:18:30,480 --> 00:18:32,360 Hm-mm-mm! 354 00:18:33,400 --> 00:18:36,400 Here we are. That'll sort it. 355 00:18:38,240 --> 00:18:40,240 Ah, look at that! 356 00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:44,600 Needs to be more fizzy. Think of champagne. 357 00:18:44,600 --> 00:18:46,880 Champagne is always fizzy, ah? 358 00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:48,880 You're going to tell them this is champagne? 359 00:18:48,880 --> 00:18:52,520 Pakistani champagne like French champagne, but browner. 360 00:18:52,520 --> 00:18:53,960 LAUGHTER 361 00:18:53,960 --> 00:18:56,280 This will do it. Alka-Seltzer. No! 362 00:18:56,280 --> 00:18:59,280 No! Beti, trust me, I know what I'm doing. 363 00:19:01,400 --> 00:19:04,040 LAUGHTER 364 00:19:05,720 --> 00:19:08,120 HE HUMS 365 00:19:08,120 --> 00:19:10,120 Perfect. 366 00:19:10,120 --> 00:19:13,800 Here we are. Get stuck into that. 367 00:19:15,440 --> 00:19:19,120 ALL: Cheers. 368 00:19:21,280 --> 00:19:23,600 LAUGHTER 369 00:19:23,600 --> 00:19:24,720 Interesting. 370 00:19:26,400 --> 00:19:28,520 It's Pakistani champagne. 371 00:19:28,520 --> 00:19:30,640 Mm, it tastes more like a liqueur, doesn't it, And? 372 00:19:30,640 --> 00:19:33,400 It does, it tastes more like a liqueur. 373 00:19:33,400 --> 00:19:36,160 It's a Pakistani champagne liqueur. 374 00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:39,400 Oh, it's gone straight to my head. 375 00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:41,320 Reminds me of being on holiday. 376 00:19:41,320 --> 00:19:43,560 All them fancy drinks you get out there. 377 00:19:43,560 --> 00:19:47,400 What's that stuff we drink in Marbs, And? Oh, I can't remember. 378 00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:50,320 Oh, that's what happens if you drink too much of it. 379 00:19:50,320 --> 00:19:53,800 SHE LAUGHS LOUDLY 380 00:19:53,800 --> 00:19:57,240 MR KHAN LAUGHS LOUDLY 381 00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:01,680 We love Marbs, don't we, babes? 382 00:20:01,680 --> 00:20:03,640 We do. We love Marbs. 383 00:20:03,640 --> 00:20:06,400 Oh, we love it too! 384 00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:08,680 Have you been there for your holiday? Oh, yes. 385 00:20:08,680 --> 00:20:12,000 We love going to Marbs, don't we, babes? 386 00:20:12,000 --> 00:20:14,600 LAUGHTER 387 00:20:14,600 --> 00:20:16,160 Babes?! 388 00:20:16,160 --> 00:20:18,800 I thought you'd more likely be down the mosque. 389 00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:20,720 What's a mosque? 390 00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:23,880 THEY LAUGH LOUDLY 391 00:20:23,880 --> 00:20:26,360 MR KHAN LAUGHS LOUDLY 392 00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:33,520 Ohhh, dear. Well, I have to say, you're not at all like we imagined. 393 00:20:33,520 --> 00:20:35,920 They're not at all like we imagined, are they? 394 00:20:35,920 --> 00:20:37,720 No, you're not at all like we imagined. 395 00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:39,480 We're not at all like they imagined. 396 00:20:39,480 --> 00:20:42,640 You know, I've been reading up about Islam, 397 00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:45,840 and you're very big on charity, aren't you? Oh, yes. 398 00:20:45,840 --> 00:20:47,840 It's one of the five pillars. 399 00:20:47,840 --> 00:20:50,160 And Suz and I, we've got a lot of money, haven't we? 400 00:20:50,160 --> 00:20:52,040 We have got a lot of money. 401 00:20:52,040 --> 00:20:55,560 And we were thinking, one day, we might give it all to charity. 402 00:20:55,560 --> 00:20:57,200 No! 403 00:20:57,200 --> 00:21:01,680 Let's not forget the little-known sixth pillar of Islam. 404 00:21:02,880 --> 00:21:06,960 Those that shall have loads of money... 405 00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:09,200 LAUGHTER 406 00:21:10,480 --> 00:21:13,400 ..shall give it unto their kinneth 407 00:21:13,400 --> 00:21:16,640 and also unto their in-laws. 408 00:21:17,920 --> 00:21:20,920 HE CLEARS HIS THROAT 409 00:21:20,920 --> 00:21:23,680 MR KHAN LAUGHS LOUDLY 410 00:21:23,680 --> 00:21:27,960 Would you like another drink? Good idea. No, thanks, Mrs K. 411 00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:29,680 Hiya. Oh, Scabby! 412 00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:34,880 What's going on? Oh, Scabby. Mummy and Daddy have come round. 413 00:21:34,880 --> 00:21:36,920 Whatever they've done, I'm so sorry. 414 00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:39,360 Uh-oh, And, he's got his little sulky face on. 415 00:21:39,360 --> 00:21:41,840 He's never liked us meeting his friends. 416 00:21:41,840 --> 00:21:43,520 He thinks we're embarrassing. 417 00:21:43,520 --> 00:21:46,160 There's no need to be embarrassed about your parents. 418 00:21:46,160 --> 00:21:49,320 We think they're great. Oh, that's so nice. 419 00:21:49,320 --> 00:21:52,320 We think you're great too, don't we, And? We do. 420 00:21:52,320 --> 00:21:54,240 We think you're great. 421 00:21:54,240 --> 00:21:57,440 You see? We're one big happy family. 422 00:21:57,440 --> 00:21:59,600 Well, actually, that is pretty good news 423 00:21:59,600 --> 00:22:01,160 because there is something 424 00:22:01,160 --> 00:22:03,440 I've been meaning to ask you for quite a while now. 425 00:22:03,440 --> 00:22:05,480 Yes? 426 00:22:05,480 --> 00:22:09,080 Now, I know I'm not exactly the son-in-law you were expecting, 427 00:22:09,080 --> 00:22:12,840 but I was hoping to get your permission to ask Alia to marry me. 428 00:22:12,840 --> 00:22:14,800 I do! 429 00:22:14,800 --> 00:22:16,160 LAUGHTER 430 00:22:16,160 --> 00:22:20,640 What?! Yes, I mean, of course. MRS KHAN: Oh, my God. 431 00:22:20,640 --> 00:22:23,000 I knew it, I knew he was going to propose. 432 00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:25,680 She's got a sixth sense when it comes to romance. 433 00:22:25,680 --> 00:22:28,720 What if she doesn't want to get married? Oh, she does. 434 00:22:28,720 --> 00:22:31,280 She does want to. She told me. Really? 435 00:22:31,280 --> 00:22:35,200 Only because I have actually been carrying round this ring 436 00:22:35,200 --> 00:22:36,840 for a very long time now, 437 00:22:36,840 --> 00:22:39,040 and it just never quite seems to be the right moment. 438 00:22:39,040 --> 00:22:43,400 Hey, Scabby! Now is the right moment! 439 00:22:43,400 --> 00:22:45,000 Oh, don't she look lovely? 440 00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:47,400 You can see where she gets her looks from. 441 00:22:47,400 --> 00:22:49,320 Thank you. 442 00:22:49,320 --> 00:22:51,360 LAUGHTER 443 00:22:51,360 --> 00:22:54,520 Shazia looks more like her mother. 444 00:22:54,520 --> 00:22:58,080 Alia, beti, Scabby has something he'd like to ask you. 445 00:23:01,360 --> 00:23:04,680 I've been meaning to ask this for a long time now. 446 00:23:04,680 --> 00:23:06,520 I was just wondering... 447 00:23:08,400 --> 00:23:09,640 ..Alia... 448 00:23:11,280 --> 00:23:12,360 ..will you marry me? 449 00:23:14,440 --> 00:23:16,520 AUDIENCE: Awww! 450 00:23:16,520 --> 00:23:18,120 No! 451 00:23:18,120 --> 00:23:20,840 LAUGHTER 452 00:23:22,680 --> 00:23:24,560 Would you excuse me a moment? 453 00:23:25,760 --> 00:23:29,560 HE SHOUTS IN URDU 454 00:23:29,560 --> 00:23:32,040 Alia, what's going on? 455 00:23:32,040 --> 00:23:34,440 Did you not understand the question? 456 00:23:34,440 --> 00:23:36,240 Of course I understood the question. 457 00:23:36,240 --> 00:23:38,440 But Scabby's got a ring and everything. 458 00:23:38,440 --> 00:23:42,560 Then he'll just have to take it back. Alia, what are you doing? 459 00:23:42,560 --> 00:23:45,440 You said you liked him. I do. 460 00:23:45,440 --> 00:23:48,200 And you told me you wanted to get married. 461 00:23:48,200 --> 00:23:50,440 Yeah, but that's not what I meant. 462 00:23:50,440 --> 00:23:53,240 What else does getting married mean? 463 00:23:53,240 --> 00:23:56,080 It's just... The thing is... 464 00:23:57,440 --> 00:23:59,320 ..I got my exam results. 465 00:23:59,320 --> 00:24:03,360 It's OK, beti, you just take them again, like you always do. 466 00:24:03,360 --> 00:24:05,760 No, you don't understand. 467 00:24:05,760 --> 00:24:08,480 I passed them. You did WHAT?! 468 00:24:08,480 --> 00:24:10,280 LAUGHTER 469 00:24:10,280 --> 00:24:12,680 I passed them! What? ALL of them?! 470 00:24:14,280 --> 00:24:18,320 Alia, beti! I'm so proud of you! 471 00:24:18,320 --> 00:24:19,400 Thanks, papati. 472 00:24:19,400 --> 00:24:21,280 It means I can go to university. 473 00:24:21,280 --> 00:24:24,640 My little girl's going to university! 474 00:24:24,640 --> 00:24:27,080 The first one in our family. 475 00:24:27,080 --> 00:24:29,440 Shazia went to uni. That doesn't count. 476 00:24:29,440 --> 00:24:31,320 LAUGHTER 477 00:24:31,320 --> 00:24:33,200 So, which one are you going to go to? 478 00:24:33,200 --> 00:24:36,400 Birmingham City University or The University of Birmingham? 479 00:24:36,400 --> 00:24:38,640 Neither. But none of the rest are in Birmingham! 480 00:24:38,640 --> 00:24:42,160 I know! I got a place at one called Glasgow. I think it's in Wales. 481 00:24:42,160 --> 00:24:44,640 LAUGHTER 482 00:24:44,640 --> 00:24:48,240 All right. So that's why I don't need to get married. 483 00:24:48,240 --> 00:24:50,000 I don't understand. 484 00:24:50,000 --> 00:24:52,480 I'm living at home with my parents. 485 00:24:52,480 --> 00:24:55,040 I felt like I was going to be stuck here forever. 486 00:24:55,040 --> 00:24:57,920 Stuck? You know what I mean. 487 00:24:57,920 --> 00:25:00,520 I can't always be Daddy's girl. 488 00:25:00,520 --> 00:25:01,680 Oh... 489 00:25:01,680 --> 00:25:03,600 AUDIENCE: Awww. 490 00:25:03,600 --> 00:25:05,120 I need a bit of freedom. 491 00:25:06,360 --> 00:25:10,920 I thought getting married was going to be my only chance to get it. 492 00:25:10,920 --> 00:25:12,800 I see. 493 00:25:12,800 --> 00:25:14,720 I'm sorry. 494 00:25:14,720 --> 00:25:16,680 You do understand, don't you? 495 00:25:16,680 --> 00:25:18,920 I do. I do understand, Alia, beti. 496 00:25:20,240 --> 00:25:24,520 After all, I am your papati. 497 00:25:24,520 --> 00:25:26,240 AUDIENCE: Awww. 498 00:25:26,240 --> 00:25:29,440 But for future reference, if you're looking for freedom, 499 00:25:29,440 --> 00:25:31,880 getting married doesn't have very much. 500 00:25:31,880 --> 00:25:34,400 LAUGHTER 501 00:25:38,880 --> 00:25:40,480 Well? 502 00:25:40,480 --> 00:25:42,560 You know, when you think about it, 503 00:25:42,560 --> 00:25:46,000 are you sure you even want to get married? Oh, my God! 504 00:25:46,000 --> 00:25:49,760 It's us, isn't it? A bit too common for you, are we? 505 00:25:49,760 --> 00:25:52,520 What? Not sophisticated enough. 506 00:25:52,520 --> 00:25:57,040 Just cos we've got gold-plated mixer taps in the toilet. No. 507 00:25:57,040 --> 00:25:59,640 I'd love to have gold-plated... 508 00:25:59,640 --> 00:26:02,480 Anyway, we're much more common than you are. 509 00:26:02,480 --> 00:26:03,880 Especially her. 510 00:26:03,880 --> 00:26:05,800 SHE SPEAKS URDU 511 00:26:05,800 --> 00:26:08,880 See? Well, what is it then? It's me. 512 00:26:11,200 --> 00:26:14,240 Alia... I'm sorry, I really am. 513 00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:17,160 You know how I feel about you. Then, why? 514 00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:20,800 I passed my retakes. I'm going away to university. 515 00:26:20,800 --> 00:26:22,440 I can't believe this. 516 00:26:22,440 --> 00:26:25,080 MRS KHAN: Neither can I! You passed your retakes?! 517 00:26:25,080 --> 00:26:27,400 LAUGHTER 518 00:26:27,400 --> 00:26:29,760 We could still make it work. 519 00:26:29,760 --> 00:26:31,000 Yeah. 520 00:26:32,000 --> 00:26:34,200 Not really, though. 521 00:26:34,200 --> 00:26:36,840 Long distance relationships never really work out. 522 00:26:36,840 --> 00:26:38,800 LAUGHTER 523 00:26:38,800 --> 00:26:42,800 Oh, Scabby, my poor baby. Come on, son, let's go. 524 00:26:42,800 --> 00:26:44,800 We know when we're not welcome. 525 00:26:44,800 --> 00:26:47,120 I guess a five-bedroom executive home 526 00:26:47,120 --> 00:26:51,120 and an S-class Mercedes isn't good enough for some people. 527 00:26:51,120 --> 00:26:52,720 LAUGHTER 528 00:26:52,720 --> 00:26:57,800 No, listen, Scabby, just because you and Alia have broken up, 529 00:26:57,800 --> 00:27:00,120 we can still be friends, ah? 530 00:27:00,120 --> 00:27:03,400 Yeah, that never really works out either, though, does it? 531 00:27:08,400 --> 00:27:10,520 I feel it in my fingers... 532 00:27:10,520 --> 00:27:12,920 HE CRIES 533 00:27:12,920 --> 00:27:14,360 Are you OK? 534 00:27:16,240 --> 00:27:17,640 SOBS: I'm OK! 535 00:27:18,760 --> 00:27:20,120 Aw. 536 00:27:20,120 --> 00:27:23,000 I just really, really liked him. 537 00:27:23,000 --> 00:27:26,960 Aw. I thought it could be forever! 538 00:27:26,960 --> 00:27:28,240 I know. 539 00:27:29,600 --> 00:27:32,720 But it's OK, you can still play football. 540 00:27:32,720 --> 00:27:35,360 Huh? With Amjad. 541 00:27:35,360 --> 00:27:38,640 HE HOWLS 542 00:27:41,560 --> 00:27:45,080 # So if you really love me 543 00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:47,880 Come on and let it show... 544 00:27:47,930 --> 00:27:52,480 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 40659

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