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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,480 --> 00:00:07,726 Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham, the capital of British Pakistan. 2 00:00:13,920 --> 00:00:16,520 They all know me. Do you like my suit? 3 00:00:18,120 --> 00:00:20,200 Number one Citizen Khan. 4 00:00:21,894 --> 00:00:24,680 Assalaamu Alaikum, my boobtube followers. 5 00:00:26,280 --> 00:00:29,160 I'll assume you said "walaikum salaam" there. 6 00:00:29,160 --> 00:00:33,200 Now, I know what you're thinking - we Muslims are all over the telly. 7 00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:34,640 Always on the news. 8 00:00:34,640 --> 00:00:36,280 But it's not all bad news. 9 00:00:36,280 --> 00:00:38,440 Sometimes it's good news too. 10 00:00:38,440 --> 00:00:41,880 Here's my free copy of the Sparkhill Gazette. 11 00:00:41,880 --> 00:00:45,240 Lots of good Muslim stories in here. Let's have a look. 12 00:00:45,240 --> 00:00:48,880 Ah-hah, Mr Ali won the weekly Sudoku competition. Oh, yeah. 13 00:00:50,160 --> 00:00:54,720 Ah, the halal butchers on Stoney Lane is going to be open 24 hours! 14 00:00:56,360 --> 00:00:57,880 Ah, this is brilliant. 15 00:00:57,880 --> 00:01:01,600 The Moseley Muslim Theatre Group is putting on their own version 16 00:01:01,600 --> 00:01:05,000 of Swan Lake but without the dancing. 17 00:01:06,160 --> 00:01:10,520 Oh, yes, and Amjad's dad got knocked down by the number 37 bus. 18 00:01:21,160 --> 00:01:24,600 Ah, poor Mr Malik. I can't believe he's gone. 19 00:01:24,600 --> 00:01:27,920 Still, I suppose a part of him will always be with us. 20 00:01:27,920 --> 00:01:29,480 Is she keeping his toupee? 21 00:01:31,440 --> 00:01:34,840 Idiot. What? That thing had a life of its own! 22 00:01:34,840 --> 00:01:37,072 It was like he was balancing a guinea pig on his head. 23 00:01:38,920 --> 00:01:41,560 Have some respect for the dead. Are you sure it's dead? 24 00:01:41,560 --> 00:01:44,800 It's probably scrabbling at the coffin lid trying to get out! 25 00:01:45,960 --> 00:01:47,600 Poor Mrs Malik is suffering. 26 00:01:47,600 --> 00:01:50,080 Just try and be a little bit more sensitive. 27 00:01:50,080 --> 00:01:52,000 Fine, I'll be sensitive. 28 00:01:54,840 --> 00:01:57,160 So, hit by a bus, eh? 29 00:02:00,440 --> 00:02:03,760 It's just such a shock. 30 00:02:03,760 --> 00:02:05,360 Of course. 31 00:02:05,360 --> 00:02:07,400 I can't believe he's gone. 32 00:02:10,120 --> 00:02:11,600 No. 33 00:02:11,600 --> 00:02:14,120 It's so kind of you to let me stay here, 34 00:02:14,120 --> 00:02:17,400 especially since your house is so much smaller than mine. 35 00:02:19,520 --> 00:02:23,120 Hang on, are they my birthday truffles?! 36 00:02:23,120 --> 00:02:24,520 That's the last one. 37 00:02:26,000 --> 00:02:28,960 What? I'm sorry. I found them in the kitchen. 38 00:02:28,960 --> 00:02:30,880 I hid them in a tin in the top cupboard. 39 00:02:30,880 --> 00:02:32,240 That's where I found them. 40 00:02:34,800 --> 00:02:39,320 It's no problem. What's Mr Khan's is yours, isn't it? 41 00:02:39,320 --> 00:02:41,600 Yes, I suppose so. 42 00:02:41,600 --> 00:02:44,720 Would you like some of my varicose veins too? 43 00:02:47,680 --> 00:02:52,880 The worst part is, what if people think he was waiting for a bus? 44 00:02:52,880 --> 00:02:56,400 I mean, we haven't used public transport for 20 years. 45 00:02:58,800 --> 00:03:01,760 Right. He just didn't see it coming. 46 00:03:01,760 --> 00:03:04,240 He should have checked the timetable. 47 00:03:04,240 --> 00:03:08,040 No, he was...distracted. 48 00:03:08,040 --> 00:03:10,000 Oh, was he on the phone? 49 00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:12,440 The wind blew his hairpiece over his eyes. 50 00:03:12,440 --> 00:03:15,320 HE STIFLES A LAUGH 51 00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:18,080 Oh, dear. 52 00:03:18,080 --> 00:03:21,520 I told him so many times, "Don't go out when it's too windy," 53 00:03:21,520 --> 00:03:24,360 but he never listened. 54 00:03:24,360 --> 00:03:26,200 I can tell you're shocked. 55 00:03:26,200 --> 00:03:29,680 You didn't know he wore a hairpiece. 56 00:03:29,680 --> 00:03:32,400 I had no idea. Did you? 57 00:03:32,400 --> 00:03:35,040 Oh, no! 58 00:03:35,040 --> 00:03:37,720 I had no idea at all. 59 00:03:37,720 --> 00:03:40,320 I mean, it looked so... 60 00:03:40,320 --> 00:03:42,480 lifelike. 61 00:03:42,480 --> 00:03:45,920 Would you excuse us for a minute? What? 62 00:03:47,160 --> 00:03:50,240 What is wrong with you? You should be supporting Mrs Malik. 63 00:03:50,240 --> 00:03:52,600 Sweetie, there aren't enough truffles in the world 64 00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:55,200 to support that woman! 65 00:03:55,200 --> 00:03:58,400 And what about Amjad? He needs our support too. 66 00:03:58,400 --> 00:04:01,080 I know this is a difficult time for everyone, 67 00:04:01,080 --> 00:04:03,960 but I'm just trying to get on with normal life. 68 00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:07,800 We Pakistanis are very good at making the best of a bad situation. 69 00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:10,840 Why do you think there are so many of us in Birmingham? 70 00:04:13,760 --> 00:04:17,000 Shazia's worried about him. She says he's very stressed. 71 00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:18,720 He'll be OK. 72 00:04:18,720 --> 00:04:22,440 Why don't you offer to help with the funeral arrangements? I can't. 73 00:04:22,440 --> 00:04:26,200 I've got to go and see the bank manager about my new business idea. 74 00:04:26,200 --> 00:04:28,680 I need an investor. Unbelievable! 75 00:04:28,680 --> 00:04:30,200 You're worried about investors 76 00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:32,160 when your son-in-law's just lost his father. 77 00:04:32,160 --> 00:04:34,840 We've all got our problems, sweetie! 78 00:04:36,440 --> 00:04:38,400 I've got high heating bills, 79 00:04:38,400 --> 00:04:39,880 my back's still playing up, 80 00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:43,160 and next door's cat keeps pooping in our patio! 81 00:04:44,760 --> 00:04:47,400 Look, let me show you my business idea. 82 00:04:47,400 --> 00:04:50,560 Now, imagine we're somewhere romantic, 83 00:04:50,560 --> 00:04:53,120 like the time I took you to the Taj Mahal. 84 00:04:53,120 --> 00:04:55,640 You've never taken me to the Taj Mahal. 85 00:04:55,640 --> 00:04:58,840 Yes, I have, the one on the Stratford Road. 86 00:04:58,840 --> 00:05:02,240 You had the lamb bhuna, remember? 87 00:05:02,240 --> 00:05:03,800 Oh, yeah, that one. 88 00:05:03,800 --> 00:05:05,520 So we want to take a selfie, 89 00:05:05,520 --> 00:05:08,320 but, oh, no, you forgot to bring the selfie stick. 90 00:05:08,320 --> 00:05:12,040 Me?! Yes, but it's not a problem. 91 00:05:12,040 --> 00:05:16,520 Not with Mr Khan's sewn-into-your-suit selfie stick! 92 00:05:19,160 --> 00:05:21,640 There you are, perfect! 93 00:05:21,640 --> 00:05:24,360 Now, get ready to say cheese. 94 00:05:24,360 --> 00:05:28,480 Activating extension mode. 95 00:05:28,480 --> 00:05:30,720 CAT MEOWS 96 00:05:30,720 --> 00:05:33,320 Serves you right! 97 00:05:39,920 --> 00:05:42,120 I don't think Amjad's coping very well. 98 00:05:42,120 --> 00:05:44,120 I think the stress is getting to him. 99 00:05:44,120 --> 00:05:45,720 He doesn't look stressed to me. 100 00:05:45,720 --> 00:05:48,840 Just talk to him, OK? OK, OK. 101 00:05:48,840 --> 00:05:51,000 Hello, Amjad. Hello, sir. 102 00:05:51,000 --> 00:05:55,120 How you doing? Not too stressed? No, I'm not too stressed at all. 103 00:05:55,120 --> 00:05:57,000 Everything's perfectly fine. 104 00:05:57,000 --> 00:05:58,840 I'm not too stressed at all. 105 00:05:58,840 --> 00:06:01,680 You see, he's not too stressed at all. 106 00:06:01,680 --> 00:06:03,880 I've got to get to the mosque. 107 00:06:06,360 --> 00:06:09,760 Budhoo. Yes, ladoo. 108 00:06:09,760 --> 00:06:12,200 I think you've forgotten something. 109 00:06:12,200 --> 00:06:14,080 Oh. 110 00:06:15,560 --> 00:06:17,800 Not that. 111 00:06:17,800 --> 00:06:19,920 HE SHRIEKS 112 00:06:21,080 --> 00:06:23,840 Dad, can you do something? OK, fine. 113 00:06:25,280 --> 00:06:27,320 I don't think I can do this, sir. 114 00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:32,000 Amjad, you can. You just need to put your trousers on first. 115 00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:34,720 Maybe you should take over the funeral arrangements. 116 00:06:34,720 --> 00:06:39,680 Amjad, it's very easy. Muslim funerals are all about speed. 117 00:06:39,680 --> 00:06:42,720 Pray-pray, cry-cry, dig-dig, bish-bosh! 118 00:06:45,080 --> 00:06:48,160 But, sir, the funeral's this afternoon and I've got all 119 00:06:48,160 --> 00:06:51,880 his papers to sort out and I have to get to the mosque. So? 120 00:06:51,880 --> 00:06:54,920 Apparently there's going to be loads of important people there 121 00:06:54,920 --> 00:06:56,560 to pay their respects. 122 00:06:56,560 --> 00:06:59,280 Colleagues, investors... 123 00:07:03,200 --> 00:07:05,840 Say that again. 124 00:07:05,840 --> 00:07:08,200 Colleagues. No, not that. 125 00:07:08,200 --> 00:07:10,520 Investors. That's the one. 126 00:07:12,040 --> 00:07:14,800 You know, Amjad, maybe you're right. 127 00:07:14,800 --> 00:07:19,080 Maybe I SHOULD take over the funeral arrangements, huh? 128 00:07:19,080 --> 00:07:20,760 Thank you, sir. 129 00:07:20,760 --> 00:07:23,760 I don't want you to worry about anything. 130 00:07:23,760 --> 00:07:27,440 You just stay here, relax and enjoy yourself. 131 00:07:27,440 --> 00:07:28,800 Not enjoy yourself. 132 00:07:28,800 --> 00:07:31,000 I mean, be sad...in a good way! 133 00:07:32,880 --> 00:07:35,135 Thank you, sir. You're my rock. 134 00:07:45,360 --> 00:07:49,720 He was stressed so I've just been relieving him of his tension. 135 00:08:00,920 --> 00:08:02,800 Assalaamu Alaikum. Assalaamu Alaikum. 136 00:08:02,800 --> 00:08:04,720 Walaikum salaam, Riaz. 137 00:08:04,720 --> 00:08:07,920 Hello, Dave. A sad day. 138 00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:11,280 Why? Aston Villa sacked their manager again? 139 00:08:11,280 --> 00:08:14,040 Oh, you mean... Yes, of course. 140 00:08:14,040 --> 00:08:17,080 Very sad. Very, very sad. 141 00:08:19,680 --> 00:08:22,160 We've just been going over the arrangements for the funeral. 142 00:08:22,160 --> 00:08:25,520 Yes, we have to perform the burial ritual, do the prayers and 143 00:08:25,520 --> 00:08:27,800 the body has to be buried today with the head facing Mecca. 144 00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:30,160 What you telling us for? We know. 145 00:08:30,160 --> 00:08:33,480 I'm the funeral director. It's all I've got! 146 00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:37,120 There are also quite a few well-wishers here 147 00:08:37,120 --> 00:08:39,520 who want to pay their respects to the family. 148 00:08:39,520 --> 00:08:41,480 Yes, I'll be taking care of all of that. You? 149 00:08:41,480 --> 00:08:43,680 I didn't think you and Mr Malik were that friendly? 150 00:08:43,680 --> 00:08:46,920 Oh, yes, me and Wiggy were very close. 151 00:08:46,920 --> 00:08:50,400 People said you could hardly see the join. 152 00:08:50,400 --> 00:08:52,640 Shouldn't that really be Amjad's role? 153 00:08:52,640 --> 00:08:57,480 You're right, it should be Amjad but he's gone a bit...whoo-hoo! 154 00:08:57,480 --> 00:09:01,720 So, he's left me in charge of everything. 155 00:09:01,720 --> 00:09:04,240 He said I'm his rock. 156 00:09:04,240 --> 00:09:06,720 Hmm, maybe I should offer him some pastoral support? 157 00:09:06,720 --> 00:09:09,400 Back off, Dave. I'm his stick of rock. 158 00:09:09,400 --> 00:09:12,160 He doesn't need a gingerbread man too. 159 00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:16,760 So you're here to represent the family? That's right. 160 00:09:16,760 --> 00:09:20,040 I'll be leading all the important funeral duties like dealing 161 00:09:20,040 --> 00:09:23,920 with anyone who's coming to pay their investments...respects! 162 00:09:23,920 --> 00:09:25,640 Assalaamu Alaikum. 163 00:09:25,640 --> 00:09:27,880 ALL: Walaikum salaam. 164 00:09:27,880 --> 00:09:31,880 I've come to offer my condolences... That'll be me! 165 00:09:31,880 --> 00:09:35,880 You're condoling me. Thank you. It means a lot. 166 00:09:37,680 --> 00:09:42,520 You see, Mr Malik and I were very close friends. 167 00:09:42,520 --> 00:09:44,560 Very close. 168 00:09:46,280 --> 00:09:49,440 Were you a business partner of Mr Malik? 169 00:09:49,440 --> 00:09:50,640 No. 170 00:09:50,640 --> 00:09:52,680 Off you go. 171 00:09:54,080 --> 00:09:57,800 So you're going to do everything that Amjad would have done? Yes. 172 00:09:57,800 --> 00:10:00,680 Got a problem with that? No. Good. What's first? 173 00:10:00,680 --> 00:10:04,360 The ceremonial washing of the dead body. 174 00:10:04,360 --> 00:10:06,040 Oh, twaddi! 175 00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:14,840 You know, I find this a very moving part of the funeral ritual. 176 00:10:14,840 --> 00:10:18,097 Don't you, Mr Khan? Mr Khan? 177 00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:23,880 I thought it'd be easier to wash this in the sink. 178 00:10:23,880 --> 00:10:27,200 LAUGHTER 179 00:10:27,200 --> 00:10:29,760 Has anyone got any conditioner? 180 00:10:29,760 --> 00:10:32,080 LAUGHTER 181 00:10:32,080 --> 00:10:35,320 Are you OK, Mr Khan? I know that must have been hard for you. 182 00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:37,200 Yes, it was. 183 00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:41,240 I had to really work the shampoo in to get a lather. 184 00:10:42,440 --> 00:10:45,240 So, where are all these business investors, ah? 185 00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:48,920 Assalaamu Alaikum. 186 00:10:48,920 --> 00:10:50,400 Walaikum salaam. 187 00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:53,880 I am looking for Amjad Malik. He's not here. 188 00:10:53,880 --> 00:10:56,920 Mrs Malik, then? She's not here either. 189 00:10:56,920 --> 00:11:00,040 Can you pass on a message? Yes, yes, sorry for their loss, 190 00:11:00,040 --> 00:11:02,520 I'll let them know. No, no. 191 00:11:02,520 --> 00:11:07,000 I am a business partner of the late Mr Malik. A business partner? 192 00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:08,280 That is right. 193 00:11:08,280 --> 00:11:10,000 HE CLEARS HIS THROAT 194 00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:15,120 Mr Khan, K...H for hat, A for Asian, N for knowledge. 195 00:11:15,120 --> 00:11:20,200 Mr Malik probably mentioned me. No. 196 00:11:20,200 --> 00:11:23,120 Did he mention him to you? And... 197 00:11:23,120 --> 00:11:26,560 Who might this be? This is my daughter, Pinky. 198 00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:30,960 Oh, what a lovely name. 199 00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:32,680 Back off. 200 00:11:32,680 --> 00:11:34,160 LAUGHTER 201 00:11:34,160 --> 00:11:35,200 Right. 202 00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:38,320 I'll be looking after all of Mr Malik's business affairs, 203 00:11:38,320 --> 00:11:41,640 including his savings and investments, investments mainly. 204 00:11:41,640 --> 00:11:45,360 Well, it is his investments I want to talk about. 205 00:11:48,160 --> 00:11:50,264 Excellent. Me too. 206 00:11:53,160 --> 00:11:56,640 Actually, gentlemen, now is not really the right time or place. 207 00:11:56,640 --> 00:11:59,348 Perhaps later, after... Shut up, Dave. 208 00:12:00,413 --> 00:12:03,121 Let's talk numbers, ah? OK. 209 00:12:03,520 --> 00:12:07,200 Mr Malik owes me 100 lakh. 210 00:12:08,600 --> 00:12:14,120 What? He owes us 100 grand. What?! 211 00:12:14,120 --> 00:12:15,560 He means 100,000 pounds. 212 00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:20,320 Yes, OK, Dave. I do know what it means, thank you. 213 00:12:20,320 --> 00:12:22,960 But now he is dead. 214 00:12:22,960 --> 00:12:28,680 That means you owe me ?100,000. 215 00:12:28,680 --> 00:12:32,040 HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY 216 00:12:32,040 --> 00:12:34,920 One-hundred-thousand-pounds! 217 00:12:34,920 --> 00:12:36,960 LAUGHTER 218 00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:38,800 But there is no rush, 219 00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:42,840 so long as you get me the cash by lunchtime. 220 00:12:42,840 --> 00:12:47,440 Otherwise, Pinky may get very upset. 221 00:12:47,440 --> 00:12:50,600 And you don't want that, do you? 222 00:12:50,600 --> 00:12:54,160 No! And that's a pinky promise. 223 00:12:54,160 --> 00:12:56,000 LAUGHTER 224 00:12:59,920 --> 00:13:02,200 What kind of business partner is he? 225 00:13:02,200 --> 00:13:04,080 He's not a business partner. 226 00:13:05,120 --> 00:13:07,680 He's an illegal bookmaker. 227 00:13:07,680 --> 00:13:09,040 Oh, twaddi. 228 00:13:09,040 --> 00:13:12,480 I wanted an investor, and instead I've ended up with 229 00:13:12,480 --> 00:13:15,440 a Pakistani Paddy Power! 230 00:13:15,440 --> 00:13:17,160 LAUGHTER 231 00:13:23,400 --> 00:13:26,920 Hi, Babu dhe. Hello, beti. Isn't it awful about Mr Malik? 232 00:13:26,920 --> 00:13:29,920 Yes. You never know what to say. 233 00:13:29,920 --> 00:13:32,200 When I found out, I texted Mrs Malik, 234 00:13:32,200 --> 00:13:35,240 OMG, coffin picture, sad face. 235 00:13:35,240 --> 00:13:37,840 LAUGHTER 236 00:13:37,840 --> 00:13:40,520 What did we do before we had emojis? 237 00:13:40,520 --> 00:13:43,040 Where is she now? She's in the living room hogging the sofa. 238 00:13:43,040 --> 00:13:45,440 It's like, I know you've lost your husband and whatever, but, 239 00:13:45,440 --> 00:13:47,280 hello, I've got nowhere to sit. 240 00:13:47,280 --> 00:13:50,200 LAUGHTER 241 00:13:50,200 --> 00:13:53,960 Never mind nowhere to sit. Soon SHE'S going to have nowhere to live. 242 00:13:53,960 --> 00:13:56,760 What do you mean? Mr Malik was broke! 243 00:13:57,800 --> 00:14:01,200 The house, the car, the gold-plated hot tub, 244 00:14:01,200 --> 00:14:03,640 none of it was really his. 245 00:14:03,640 --> 00:14:05,480 Just like his hair! 246 00:14:05,480 --> 00:14:07,720 LAUGHTER 247 00:14:07,720 --> 00:14:10,280 So Mrs Malik's not very, very rich? 248 00:14:10,280 --> 00:14:13,320 No, she's very, very poor. 249 00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:14,520 Brilliant! 250 00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:16,600 LAUGHTER 251 00:14:16,600 --> 00:14:18,880 And she has no idea? No. 252 00:14:18,880 --> 00:14:22,440 He kept his secret life of casinos and showgirls 253 00:14:22,440 --> 00:14:24,880 completely hidden from her. 254 00:14:24,880 --> 00:14:27,480 Wow. I know. 255 00:14:27,480 --> 00:14:30,520 I must admit, I'm liking him more and more. 256 00:14:30,520 --> 00:14:32,640 LAUGHTER 257 00:14:32,640 --> 00:14:36,640 What are you going to do? I'm going to have to tell her. Can I come? 258 00:14:36,640 --> 00:14:38,680 LAUGHTER 259 00:14:38,680 --> 00:14:42,760 I'm going to have Italian marble for the work surfaces 260 00:14:42,760 --> 00:14:45,560 and handmade oak cabinets. 261 00:14:45,560 --> 00:14:48,720 Wow, this new kitchen sounds amazing. 262 00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:50,800 It's what he would have wanted. 263 00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:52,200 LAUGHTER 264 00:14:52,200 --> 00:14:55,000 We always said, "There's nothing worse than having to live 265 00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:57,000 "with a cheap and nasty kitchen." 266 00:14:58,040 --> 00:15:00,320 Well, I don't need to tell you. 267 00:15:01,320 --> 00:15:03,640 LAUGHTER 268 00:15:03,640 --> 00:15:05,720 HE CLEARS HIS THROAT 269 00:15:05,720 --> 00:15:07,480 Mrs Malik has just been telling me 270 00:15:07,480 --> 00:15:09,640 about the new kitchen she's getting. 271 00:15:09,640 --> 00:15:11,360 Isn't it too soon? 272 00:15:11,360 --> 00:15:14,480 Maybe you should wait before spending any money. 273 00:15:14,480 --> 00:15:17,960 After all, you never know what might be round the corner. 274 00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:20,160 Mr Malik certainly didn't. 275 00:15:20,160 --> 00:15:22,120 LAUGHTER 276 00:15:22,120 --> 00:15:25,680 I mean, perhaps you should even think of downsizing. 277 00:15:25,680 --> 00:15:27,240 Downsizing? 278 00:15:27,240 --> 00:15:29,360 Yes. 279 00:15:29,360 --> 00:15:31,160 In more ways than one. 280 00:15:31,160 --> 00:15:33,600 LAUGHTER 281 00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:36,560 No, look, maybe you should also think of selling your house, ah? 282 00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:39,520 You don't want to be in that big house all on your own, 283 00:15:39,520 --> 00:15:41,360 you poor thing. 284 00:15:41,360 --> 00:15:43,840 You poor, poor, POOR thing. 285 00:15:43,840 --> 00:15:46,280 LAUGHTER 286 00:15:46,280 --> 00:15:48,400 I don't need to worry about being alone in the house. 287 00:15:48,400 --> 00:15:51,280 I won't be back there for months. What?! 288 00:15:51,280 --> 00:15:54,280 I've booked myself on a Caribbean cruise. 289 00:15:54,280 --> 00:15:56,320 It's what he would have wanted. 290 00:15:56,320 --> 00:15:58,160 LAUGHTER 291 00:15:58,160 --> 00:16:00,800 Won't that be very expensive? 292 00:16:00,800 --> 00:16:04,080 It might seem expensive to someone of your means. 293 00:16:04,080 --> 00:16:06,560 AUDIENCE: Ohhh! 294 00:16:06,560 --> 00:16:08,560 But don't worry... 295 00:16:08,560 --> 00:16:10,680 Mr Malik will have left me in the money. 296 00:16:10,680 --> 00:16:12,760 He's left you in the something. 297 00:16:12,760 --> 00:16:14,960 LAUGHTER 298 00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:18,440 Well, perhaps it's time we went and got changed, yes? 299 00:16:18,440 --> 00:16:21,760 Mrs Khan is going to help me dress for the funeral. 300 00:16:21,760 --> 00:16:25,440 Mr Malik always liked to see me look a million dollars. 301 00:16:25,440 --> 00:16:26,600 Good luck. 302 00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:29,360 LAUGHTER 303 00:16:29,360 --> 00:16:30,720 Mrs Malik... 304 00:16:31,880 --> 00:16:34,440 There's something I need to tell you. Yes? 305 00:16:34,440 --> 00:16:36,360 I'm afraid I have some terrible news, 306 00:16:36,360 --> 00:16:38,600 and it's not that we've run out of biscuits. 307 00:16:38,600 --> 00:16:39,960 LAUGHTER 308 00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:41,240 What is it? 309 00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:43,240 This might come as a bit of a shock. 310 00:16:43,240 --> 00:16:47,680 Mr Khan, after all I've been through, nothing more can shock me. 311 00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:52,080 Mr Malik lost all his money to an illegal bookmaker. 312 00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:53,880 You're completely broke. 313 00:16:57,000 --> 00:16:59,120 LAUGHTER 314 00:16:59,120 --> 00:17:01,480 APPLAUSE 315 00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:06,040 Brilliant! 316 00:17:06,040 --> 00:17:08,080 LAUGHTER 317 00:17:08,080 --> 00:17:09,280 Typical! 318 00:17:09,280 --> 00:17:11,680 You wait years for one Malik to die, 319 00:17:11,680 --> 00:17:14,360 and then two snuff it at the same time! 320 00:17:14,360 --> 00:17:17,080 LAUGHTER 321 00:17:17,080 --> 00:17:20,720 She's not dead, Babu dhe, she just fainted. Thank God for that! 322 00:17:20,720 --> 00:17:22,720 We can't afford to bury her as well. 323 00:17:23,760 --> 00:17:26,240 Right. I'll go and get a glass of water. 324 00:17:26,240 --> 00:17:29,400 You stay here and make sure she doesn't swallow her tongue. 325 00:17:29,400 --> 00:17:31,320 I wouldn't put it past her. 326 00:17:31,320 --> 00:17:32,840 LAUGHTER 327 00:17:32,840 --> 00:17:34,160 CAMERA CLICKS 328 00:17:36,440 --> 00:17:39,960 Hello, sir. Hello, Amjad. Where's Mummy? 329 00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:42,080 She's just having a bit of a lie down. 330 00:17:43,240 --> 00:17:46,760 I just wanted to say thank you for standing in for me at the mosque. 331 00:17:46,760 --> 00:17:49,440 I owe you one. You owe a bit more than that. 332 00:17:49,440 --> 00:17:51,080 LAUGHTER 333 00:17:51,080 --> 00:17:54,320 What? Listen, I need to talk to you about your father's business. 334 00:17:54,320 --> 00:17:57,160 Oh, good. I want to talk about Daddy too. 335 00:17:57,160 --> 00:18:00,440 I've decided I'm going to say a few words about him at the funeral. 336 00:18:00,440 --> 00:18:03,120 OK. But about your father's business... 337 00:18:03,120 --> 00:18:04,840 He was so well respected. 338 00:18:04,840 --> 00:18:07,680 I don't think I can ever live up to his reputation. 339 00:18:07,680 --> 00:18:10,760 I wouldn't worry too much about that if I were you. 340 00:18:10,760 --> 00:18:12,200 Now, look, about the business... 341 00:18:12,200 --> 00:18:15,520 He was such a good daddy to me when I was little. 342 00:18:15,520 --> 00:18:18,240 And he loved little Mo and baby Nadiya too. 343 00:18:19,680 --> 00:18:22,760 And now he won't ever see them grow up. 344 00:18:24,640 --> 00:18:26,880 AUDIENCE: Aw. 345 00:18:27,920 --> 00:18:30,120 And they'll never know their grandad. 346 00:18:32,840 --> 00:18:35,280 But I'll tell them what a good man he was. 347 00:18:36,920 --> 00:18:39,520 Everybody looked up to him, didn't they? 348 00:18:42,800 --> 00:18:44,040 Yes, they did. 349 00:18:45,280 --> 00:18:49,040 What did you want to talk to me about? Nothing, Amjad. 350 00:18:49,040 --> 00:18:52,360 Your father was a great man and he'd be very proud of you. 351 00:18:52,360 --> 00:18:54,280 Oh... 352 00:18:54,280 --> 00:18:55,320 Oh. 353 00:18:56,520 --> 00:18:59,880 I've just had the most horrible dream. 354 00:18:59,880 --> 00:19:02,480 I dreamt that Mr Malik had died and that 355 00:19:02,480 --> 00:19:04,400 he'd gambled away all our money. 356 00:19:07,120 --> 00:19:10,160 Well, your dreams have come true! 357 00:19:10,160 --> 00:19:13,600 LAUGHTER 358 00:19:15,200 --> 00:19:17,320 And Mr Malik really has died! 359 00:19:19,680 --> 00:19:21,280 But... 360 00:19:21,280 --> 00:19:24,280 He didn't lose all your money. Thank God! 361 00:19:24,280 --> 00:19:26,160 LAUGHTER 362 00:19:32,520 --> 00:19:34,080 Mr Khan? 363 00:19:34,080 --> 00:19:36,360 Just making sure he's looking his best. 364 00:19:39,920 --> 00:19:42,920 Perfect. We should take the body to the cemetery now. 365 00:19:42,920 --> 00:19:45,000 Oh, and Mr Gul is looking for you. 366 00:19:45,000 --> 00:19:48,840 Right. Did you tell Mrs Malik and Amjad that...you know... 367 00:19:48,840 --> 00:19:53,920 No, I didn't, Dave. I want Amjad to bury his father with pride. 368 00:19:53,920 --> 00:19:58,520 Well, that's very noble. So are you going to pay the 100,000? 369 00:19:58,520 --> 00:20:03,040 No blooming way! So who is? I don't know. No-one has any money. 370 00:20:03,040 --> 00:20:05,200 Well, so, what are you going to do? 371 00:20:05,200 --> 00:20:08,400 I'll just get Mrs Malik to tell the Pakistani Paddy Power 372 00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:11,000 that he'll get his money after the funeral. 373 00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:14,000 What?! How are you going to do that? Ah-ha! 374 00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:15,440 Allow me to introduce... 375 00:20:15,440 --> 00:20:18,240 Mrs Malik! 376 00:20:18,240 --> 00:20:20,720 LAUGHTER 377 00:20:21,760 --> 00:20:23,840 Oh, no. 378 00:20:23,840 --> 00:20:25,400 No, no, no. 379 00:20:25,400 --> 00:20:28,320 What?! It's perfect. 380 00:20:28,320 --> 00:20:29,920 I'll do all the talking, 381 00:20:29,920 --> 00:20:33,680 Riaz just has to stand there looking like a lady. 382 00:20:33,680 --> 00:20:35,120 No problem. 383 00:20:35,120 --> 00:20:37,640 I mean, no problem. 384 00:20:37,640 --> 00:20:39,320 LAUGHTER 385 00:20:39,320 --> 00:20:41,760 I'm sorry, I can't allow you to do this. 386 00:20:41,760 --> 00:20:43,600 Oh, right. What are you saying? 387 00:20:43,600 --> 00:20:45,960 That men shouldn't wear women's clothes? 388 00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:47,440 Well, no, of course not. 389 00:20:47,440 --> 00:20:49,320 Obviously, I'm in favour of 390 00:20:49,320 --> 00:20:53,440 a non-binary definition of gender identity. 391 00:20:53,440 --> 00:20:55,680 I thought you might be. 392 00:20:55,680 --> 00:20:58,800 But they'll never believe he's a woman. I mean, look at him! 393 00:20:58,800 --> 00:21:00,600 LAUGHTER 394 00:21:00,600 --> 00:21:03,160 You're right. Thank you. I know what he needs. 395 00:21:03,160 --> 00:21:04,960 What are you doing? 396 00:21:04,960 --> 00:21:06,840 Boobies. 397 00:21:06,840 --> 00:21:09,240 LAUGHTER 398 00:21:09,240 --> 00:21:11,280 One in there. 399 00:21:12,480 --> 00:21:14,720 There we are. Much better. 400 00:21:14,720 --> 00:21:17,280 KNOCK AT THE DOOR 401 00:21:17,280 --> 00:21:19,520 Assalaamu Alaikum. 402 00:21:19,520 --> 00:21:21,240 BOTH: Walaikum salaam. 403 00:21:21,240 --> 00:21:24,600 If I didn't know any better, Khan saab, 404 00:21:24,600 --> 00:21:27,920 I would say you have been avoiding me. 405 00:21:27,920 --> 00:21:30,240 HE CLEARS HIS THROAT 406 00:21:30,240 --> 00:21:31,440 Hello. 407 00:21:31,440 --> 00:21:32,560 SHE SOBS 408 00:21:32,560 --> 00:21:36,640 Mr Gul. May I introduce you to Mrs Malik. 409 00:21:36,640 --> 00:21:38,640 SHE SOBS 410 00:21:38,640 --> 00:21:40,480 Assalaamu Alaikum. 411 00:21:40,480 --> 00:21:42,520 I am so sorry for your loss. 412 00:21:42,520 --> 00:21:43,960 SHE SOBS 413 00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:47,080 She's still too upset to talk. 414 00:21:47,080 --> 00:21:50,080 Of course, I understand. 415 00:21:50,080 --> 00:21:55,760 Mrs Malik is prepared to honour her husband's debt. 416 00:21:55,760 --> 00:21:58,480 Is that so, Mrs Malik? 417 00:21:59,720 --> 00:22:02,320 LAUGHTER 418 00:22:02,320 --> 00:22:04,440 SHE SOBS 419 00:22:04,440 --> 00:22:10,720 That is acceptable. Perhaps, when you are ready to move on, 420 00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:14,440 we might get to know each other a little better? 421 00:22:14,440 --> 00:22:16,200 LAUGHTER 422 00:22:16,200 --> 00:22:19,600 All in good time, all in good time! 423 00:22:19,600 --> 00:22:22,600 This must have come as a bit of a shock. 424 00:22:22,600 --> 00:22:24,080 You're not kidding! 425 00:22:24,080 --> 00:22:28,400 I must say, he looks pretty good. 426 00:22:28,400 --> 00:22:32,360 The undertaker has done a first-rate job. 427 00:22:32,360 --> 00:22:34,920 RIAZ: Wow! Thank you very much. 428 00:22:34,920 --> 00:22:36,600 LAUGHTER 429 00:22:36,600 --> 00:22:38,080 Oh, twaddi! 430 00:22:38,080 --> 00:22:40,920 I can explain! I want my money! 431 00:22:40,920 --> 00:22:44,200 Hang on, how do we know that Mr Malik owes you anything? 432 00:22:44,200 --> 00:22:47,040 It's all in here. 433 00:22:47,040 --> 00:22:48,320 LAUGHTER 434 00:22:48,320 --> 00:22:51,520 Look, I haven't got your money. Then I will get it from the boy. 435 00:22:51,520 --> 00:22:53,080 He will be at the cemetery, 436 00:22:53,080 --> 00:22:57,360 and I will tell him all about what his daddy was really like. 437 00:22:57,360 --> 00:23:00,000 I can't let you do that! Really?! 438 00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:02,800 I'm going to enjoy this! 439 00:23:02,800 --> 00:23:07,320 No violence, please, this is a house of God. Cut it, Ron Weasley. 440 00:23:07,320 --> 00:23:08,360 LAUGHTER 441 00:23:08,360 --> 00:23:13,760 Wait! Can I just have something for Mrs Khan to remember me by? 442 00:23:13,760 --> 00:23:15,240 Like what? 443 00:23:15,240 --> 00:23:16,360 A selfie? 444 00:23:20,760 --> 00:23:23,120 Say cheese! 445 00:23:24,680 --> 00:23:26,520 Wow. 446 00:23:26,520 --> 00:23:29,040 Pinky. Go on, get it! 447 00:23:30,520 --> 00:23:34,400 THEY ALL SHOUT AT ONCE 448 00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:37,160 I will get my money! 449 00:23:37,160 --> 00:23:40,280 Just get back. I told you Muslim funerals were speedy. 450 00:23:40,280 --> 00:23:43,720 Right, you stay with him, Dave, go on! 451 00:23:48,720 --> 00:23:52,000 HE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE 452 00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:54,120 Ameen. ALL: Ameen. 453 00:23:55,120 --> 00:23:57,680 Right, come on, come on, Riaz can't sit on that coffin forever. 454 00:23:57,680 --> 00:23:59,680 Mr Khan, do you know we are supposed to do the burial 455 00:23:59,680 --> 00:24:01,280 before the imam conducts prayers. 456 00:24:01,280 --> 00:24:02,640 If we don't get a move on, Dave, 457 00:24:02,640 --> 00:24:04,600 there's going to be another funeral today. 458 00:24:04,600 --> 00:24:05,910 Who's? Mine! 459 00:24:07,480 --> 00:24:09,120 Oh, come on, let's get this filled. 460 00:24:10,840 --> 00:24:14,720 The imam wants to know if anybody would like to say a few words first? 461 00:24:14,720 --> 00:24:17,360 No, we've got to get on with it! Jaldi, jaldi! 462 00:24:17,360 --> 00:24:20,000 I'd like to say something. 463 00:24:20,000 --> 00:24:21,440 Do you mind, sir? 464 00:24:21,440 --> 00:24:22,680 No. 465 00:24:22,680 --> 00:24:23,840 I don't mind, Amjad. 466 00:24:24,840 --> 00:24:26,240 Whenever you're ready. 467 00:24:27,960 --> 00:24:29,360 Daddy didn't talk much. 468 00:24:30,480 --> 00:24:34,240 And...it was hard to tell what he was thinking most of the time. 469 00:24:35,400 --> 00:24:39,840 So I don't know if any of us got to know him really well. 470 00:24:39,840 --> 00:24:45,760 But what I do know is that he loved me and Mummy very much, 471 00:24:45,760 --> 00:24:48,160 and I never doubted that for a second. 472 00:24:48,160 --> 00:24:49,400 He was quiet. 473 00:24:51,600 --> 00:24:52,640 And kind. 474 00:24:55,280 --> 00:24:56,320 And he was my hero. 475 00:24:57,680 --> 00:24:59,320 I'm proud of you, budhoo. 476 00:25:03,160 --> 00:25:05,480 I want to go now, beta. 477 00:25:05,480 --> 00:25:06,560 It's OK, Amjad. 478 00:25:06,560 --> 00:25:08,720 You take your mother and the others back to the house. 479 00:25:08,720 --> 00:25:10,360 I'll take care of the rest, ah? 480 00:25:13,200 --> 00:25:15,120 Go on, go on, go on, go on. 481 00:25:15,120 --> 00:25:17,480 Come on, come on. Jaldi, jaldi, jaldi. Come on. 482 00:25:17,480 --> 00:25:19,240 LAUGHTER 483 00:25:21,560 --> 00:25:23,600 Mr Khan! What? 484 00:25:26,800 --> 00:25:28,280 Oh, twaddi! 485 00:25:30,040 --> 00:25:32,080 Oh, God! 486 00:25:32,080 --> 00:25:35,640 Come on, budhoo, let's go home. Shouldn't we wait for Mr Khan? 487 00:25:35,640 --> 00:25:39,080 It's OK, beta, I think he's saying goodbye in his own way. Chalo. 488 00:25:45,560 --> 00:25:49,800 Come on, jaldi, jaldi. Jaldi. Come on! Come on, hurry, hurry. 489 00:25:55,360 --> 00:25:57,694 Help! Help! 490 00:26:00,160 --> 00:26:03,560 IMITATES WOMAN'S VOICE: I mean, help! Help! 491 00:26:03,560 --> 00:26:05,520 LAUGHTER 492 00:26:07,160 --> 00:26:09,920 Where is he? Who? Khan! 493 00:26:11,040 --> 00:26:12,800 I haven't seen him. 494 00:26:12,800 --> 00:26:15,160 Have you seen him? ALL: No. 495 00:26:15,160 --> 00:26:17,120 This isn't over! 496 00:26:18,200 --> 00:26:21,280 POLICE SIREN WAILS 497 00:26:21,280 --> 00:26:23,680 It is now. 498 00:26:23,680 --> 00:26:25,240 LAUGHTER 499 00:26:30,120 --> 00:26:32,440 Are you OK, Mummy? 500 00:26:32,440 --> 00:26:35,920 Ah, I'll miss him, though. Me too. 501 00:26:35,920 --> 00:26:38,240 SHE GASPS 502 00:26:38,240 --> 00:26:42,720 What is it? It's just... There was something I was going to keep. 503 00:26:42,720 --> 00:26:46,040 To remember him by. What? His... 504 00:26:46,040 --> 00:26:48,200 LAUGHTER 505 00:26:48,200 --> 00:26:51,120 Never mind. It's too late now. 506 00:26:58,960 --> 00:27:01,720 Get me out of here! 507 00:27:01,720 --> 00:27:04,560 LAUGHTER 508 00:27:04,610 --> 00:27:09,160 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 37132

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