All language subtitles for Citizen Khan s05e02 lies.eng

Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham,

the capital of British Pakistan.

They all know me.

You like my suit?

Number one, Citizen Khan.

Salaam aleikum, Britain.
Mr Khan speaking.

Now, if we have learned
one thing over the past year,

it's that we need to live together
as one community

and look out for our neighbours.

Especially the dodgy ones.

So I have a very special
new drone camera

so I can keep an eye
on the whole of Sparkhill.

I call it NWA -

Neighbourhood Watch Asian-style.

HE HACKS

There's Mrs Latif
hanging out her dirty washing.

Blimey!

Let's move on, shall we?

What the bloomin' heck
are they doing?

When will these weird people realise

that we're not fancy-schmancy
European any more?

Huh!

'Ello, 'ello, 'ello. Or should
I say, Allah, Allah, Allah?

What to we have here then, huh?

Hey, make a note of that one,
WPC Nadia.

He probably got them off
the back of a lorry.

Did you hear that, DI Mo?

Look at him.

We're trying to be real-life
crime-fighters

and he looks more like
Baa Baa Brown Sheep.

MR KHAN HACKS
MO HACKS

I blame the father.

Oh, twaddi.

Yeah? Excuse me, mister,
could I please have my drone back?

What about my window?

Ah!

Wait here.

Ha-ha! Just clear off, pal,

and I don't want to see that thing
round here again, all right?

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!

Aren't you forgetting something?

My flag.

Thank you.

Mrs Latif texted to say there's
been another UFO over Sparkhill.

Chillax, sweetie.

Everyone will just think it's the
government spying on Muslims again.

You shouldn't be spying on them.

Someone's got to keep an eye.

This neighbourhood's going
really downhill.

I blame the immigrants.

Nigel Faraji was right.

We Pakistanis have got to
get our country back.

You can't just blame the immigrants.

I don't just blame
the immigrants, sweetie.

I blame the parents, too.

Families need to be more close knit,
like Pakistani ones.

My cousin Waseem is married
to my other cousin Waheeda.

You can't get closer than that.

It's all about good parenting, uh?

Salaam aleikum, Papaji.

Waleikum assalam, beti.

Look at her.

Whiter than white...

even though she's brown.

Papaji, I'm off out.

Could I have some money? Of course.

Where are you going? Mosque.

They got a charity whatsit on.

Oh, another one?
Oh, such a good girl.

THEY SPEAK URDU

Who's using my printer?

Oh, Shazia and Amjad are printing
out their holiday booking.

I see. Wait a minute.

This says two children
and four adults.

And?

Oh, my God! What?

You were right.
Pakistanis ARE close-knit.

Yes?

Maybe it's a surprise. Maybe we're
not supposed to know. Know what?

Exactly.

This time tomorrow we'll be in
Tenerife. It's going to be great.

Just you and me, the kids,
Matt and Debbie.

Have we changed their names?

I preferred Mo and Nadia.

No, budhoo, they're the names of
our friends, Matt and Debbie. Oh.

"Debbie Does Doncaster" Debbie?

What?

That's what Alia calls her.

Hello, Amjad. Sorry for using your
printer, sir. Completely fine.

Really? Yes.

That'll be 50p.

Thank you.

Have you had tea?
Yes, thank you, sir.

?1.00.

Thank you.

And no charge for
baby-sitting today.

WPC Nadiya has earned her keep.

Which reminds me, Officer Dibble,

on here, you'll find video evidence
of an illegal racket

involving stolen TVs,
an illegal extension at number 34,

and that funny bloke at number 28
has had his extension out too.

Thank you, sir.
Any questions, just ask.

OK. How do you spell "racket"?

Tenerife, here we come!
It's going to be great, Mo.

There's a pool, a sandy beach...

Is there a children's grazing area?

Don't pick on him, Dad. He gets
enough of that at nursery.

Why? What's going on? Mo's being
bullied by some other boy.

Have you spoken to the boy's father?
Yes. And?

He bullied me.

Typical! It sounds like you need
a lesson in good parenting, Amjad.

Amjad doesn't need parenting
lessons from you.

If I remember, you spent most of my
childhood too busy to do anything,

because you were
watching the cricket.

Rubbish!
Amjad's a great dad.

He's taking Mo
for his swimming lesson today,

getting him ready for the holiday.

Actually, ladoo, I don't really want
to go. The bullies might be there.

Amjad,
you have to stand up to bullies.

They're just cowards on the inside
that need a firm hand.

I don't think my hand's very firm,
sir.

Right, I'll sort this, come on.

Me and you are going to take Mo
swimming. You? Can you even swim?

Of course I can swim! I'm a natural.
I was taught the traditional way.

In my day, you were just thrown
into the water. Who threw you in?

Mrs Khan's father.

Into the Jhelum River,

any time I came within
500 metres of their house.

You see, one thing being
part of NWA has taught me,

is that it's a jungle out there.

Little Mo doesn't stand a chance
if he doesn't see his father

standing up to bullies.

But, sir, I don't like violence.

It's not about violence.
Violence never solved anything.

I'm talking about
non-violent resistance,

like Martin Luther Vandross.

I don't understand, sir.
It's about keeping a cool head,

rising above it, letting it go
in one ear and out the other.

You should be good at that.

How do you mean?
Right, I'll show you. Hang on.

Bully me. Bully you, sir?
Yes, come on. Bully me. Goad me.

Call me a few names.
I don't think I can, sir.

Amjad, I'm trying to teach you
how to stand up to bullies.

I can't do that if you don't bully
me. I don't know what to say.

Just say what bullies say.

Give me your lunch money.

Not that. Try...um...

muttonhead. You're a muttonhead.

Sticks and stones!

Sticks and stones, Amjad.
No, try nincompoop.

You're a nincompoop.

Water off a duck's back.
I'm rising above it, eh?

Try... Oh!

Go on.

You're a fat, old man
with a stupid beard

and a silly, old-fashioned suit.

What?!

You see, Amjad?
There's nothing to it, huh?

Come in, Debbie.

Oh, hi, everyone.
Oh, look, its Matt and Debbay!

But no Mattay, just Debbay!

Very good, Mr Khan.

Bet you can't wait to get away.

Matt's just packing the rest
of our stuff, so I thought

I'd come and see if you need
a hand with yours. Aw, thanks.

Oh, I see.

Shazia and Amjad are going on
holiday with Matt and Debbay.

Oh, hello, Mrs Khan.
You seem very chirpy.

Oh, I am. And I will be even more so
tomorrow.

Really?
Got something special planned?

Well, I didn't think I did,
but then my favourite daughter went

and booked her parents
to go on holiday with them.

BOTH: What?!

I know. I know it was meant to be a
surprise. It's a surprise all right.

By the way, I found our old swimming
costumes from Great Yarmouth, 1988.

I'm not sure mine will fit,
sweetie.

Oh, just breathe in a bit.

I tried breathing in,
but I almost died.

Oh, God. Your mum thinks
she's coming on holiday with us.

Sounds like a holiday mix-up.
You need to call Watchdog.

Dad, you need to talk to Mum.

Oh, is that the time?
Come on, Amjad.

Let's get Mo to the pool
before the tide comes in.

Do you like it? It still fits!

In fact, let's take a photo, huh?

For Mrs Khan. She'd love to see me
in my old swimsuit again.

CAMERA CLICKS

Good, eh? Just like Adam Peaty,
the Olympic swimmer.

They call me PT too.
The Pakistani Turtle.

I just want to say thank you, sir.

I wish I was more like you,
a better dad. Oh, Amjad,

not everyone can be like me. I have
a special bond with my children.

We're very close, you know? They'd
never do anything behind my back.

That's brilliant, sir.

Don't worry, Amjad,
you'll get there one day.

Oi! Sir, they're the bullies
from little Mo's nursery.

Right. Time for a little chat, uh?

Oh!

Salaam aleikum, neighbour.
Oh, don't give me that,

you nosy old git.

He was spying on me earlier
with a drone.

Look, why don't we just
all calm down, uh?

We're all grown-ups, aren't we?

Except with this little one.

Hello.

And what's your name, young man?

Hannibal.
HE GROWLS

OK. Why don't we all
just get along, uh?

Live and let live.

Amjad, come over here.

Listen, pal, you're the one
interfering with drones

and spying on your neighbours.

How does he know about that?

Ohhhh!

Are you the one with the extension
out?

Or the one with the stolen TVs?
What?!

KNUCKLES CRACK

OK. Swimming lesson over.

We haven't even been
in the pool yet.

Even better, no chance of drowning.
Safety first, eh?

I thought you said we had to
stand up to bullies. Did I?

And that, inside,
they're just cowards.

No, that doesn't sound like me.

And they just need a firm hand.
Argh!

Oh, God. Oh, God!

Ohh! Ohh!

So what was you saying? Uh...no.

Oh, twaddi!

Help! I can't sw-i-i-i-m!

OK, Shazia. Calm down. Breathe.
We can get through this.

It's simple, we just say
to your mum, "Funny story,

"bit of a mix-up, you're not coming
on holiday with us."

Girls, what do you think?

Can I get away with this,
with the right accessories?

Mum... Oh, and I went a bit mad
and bought two hats,

but I only have room for one, so...

this one? Or this one?

Uh... Debbie? Neither? Um, you see,
the thing is, Mrs Khan...

What? Do they not wear hats
on the beach any more?

Well, I wouldn't know,

I haven't had a beach holiday
since Great Yarmouth, 1988.

Oh, God!
Do I need to bring food?

Look, Mum, we need to talk about
this holiday. What is it, beti?

I feel really bad saying this,
but, you know,

WE aren't ALL going.

Yes, Shazia, I thought
you would bring that up.

You did? Uh-huh. So I phoned
the travel agent... What?

..and booked a room for Naani too.

Perfect! I know, right?

Now it is all of us.

Anyone for a virgin mojito?

HE SPLUTTERS AND COUGHS

I thought you said
you could swim, sir?

I said I was thrown
into the Jehlam River.

I nearly drowned then as well.

Don't worry, I'm fine.

That man's coming over.
I'm not fine!

I know you can hear me.
He can't. Can you, sir?

Just stay away from me
and my family!

I don't want to see you
or that stupid drone near my house.

Comprende?

Pardon?

Just stay away from my house!

In fact, keep clear of our side
of Stratford Road...

or else.

Has he gone?

You know, it might be nice
if my mum comes.

No, it won't be nice if she comes.
Why?

Because if Mrs Khan comes, then
that also means that Mr Khan comes,

and to be honest, I don't find him
all that... How can I put this?

..relaxing. Is he really that bad?

SHE HACKS

Fair enough. Someone needs
to tell your mum.

Hello, ladoo.

Swimming was absolutely fine,
with no problems at all.

OK.

Amjad...
Oh, hello, Debbie Does Doncaster.

I mean, Debbie. Amjad...

Amjad, Amjad, Amjad.

Yes? You know we're all going
on holiday together, right? Yes.

And we all get on really well,
don't we?

Yes. I suppose.

We could have a lot of fun together,
couldn't we? Just the four of us.

Right.

Just you, me, Shazia and Matt.

Oh, God. I know Shazia's up for it.
Aren't you? Definitely.

Oh, God! Oh, God!

But there's a problem.

Yes, there is.

Shazia's mum wants in on it too.

Oh, no, no, no, no!

Budhoo, Mum thinks her and Dad are
coming instead of Matt and Debbie.

Ohhhh!

Right.

And I am not going on holiday
with Mr Khan,

so I'm saying
SOMEONE needs to tell him.

Oh, right.

Would it be so bad if Mr Khan came?

MR KHAN HACKS NOISILY

'Grandpa's got chlorine
up his nose!'

HE HACKS AGAIN

Ah, see? All back, safe and sound.

Great. Nice hat. Thank you.

My hat got wet, so I bought these on
the way home. You bought two hats?

It was buy one, get one free.

Amjad. Thank you, sir.

That'll be ?20.

What?

Mine was the free one.

Thank you.

CASH REGISTER RINGS

How did it go with Mo?

Great. Swimming was absolutely fine
with no problems at all.

OK.

Nobody drowned, then? Well,
actually... No, nobody drowned.

Thanks, Dad.

We told you about the bullying
and you dived straight in.

You can say that again.

You said we have to stand up
to bullies.

Not necessarily.

Depends on the size of the bullies.

But we have to set
a good example for Mo.

Or we could just put him
in another nursery, uh?

You know? A fresh start.

Or in his case, pastures new.

No, we should go round their house
right now and confront his parents.

Absolutely not. Shazia, these things
are best left to the professionals.

Let the nursery deal with it.
Do you think? Of course.

HE HACKS

MO HACKS

You see, even he agrees.

Will you go and talk to the nursery,
then? Me?

Or you could stay here
and tell Mrs Khan

she's not coming on our holiday.
Are you mad?!

No blooming way! Boys, nursery now.
Chin up. He-hey!

Right, are we ready?

Sir, there's something
I don't understand.

There's a lot of things
you don't understand, Amjad.

We're going to little Mo's
nursery... Yes?

..to talk about the bullying. Yes.

But the nursery is on the other side
of the Stratford Road.

So? Don't you remember
what the scary man said?

IMITATES BULLY: Keep clear of our
side of the Stratford Road...

or else.

Oh, twaddi.
What are we going to do, sir?

Well, at times like this we have to
remember we're Pakistani.

A tribal nation, ready to defend
our family honour.

So we're going to stand up
to the bullying?

No. We're going to go in disguise.

A-ha! Here we are.

Here, have this.

I bought these for the winter,
saves on central heating. Ha-ha!

But, sir, I don't want to
get into trouble.

We're not going looking for trouble,
Amjad.

We're going to look
perfectly normal.

Chill out. Come on.

# Take a little walk
to the edge of town

# And go across the tracks

# Where the viaduct looms
like a bird of doom

# As it shifts and cracks

# Where secrets lie in the border
fires

# In the humming wires

You see, Amjad? Perfectly normal.

Oi!

Oh, twaddi!

What are we going to do, sir?

If I die, Shazia will kill me.

You're not going to die.

Get out of here!

If he comes over,

we'll tell him we know about
the stolen TVs,

and you arrest him. Simple.

Arrest him? I need some proper
evidence, sir. Right, fine.

We'll show how nasty he is. I'll
goad him by calling him a few names.

OK.

I thought I told you to stay clear
of this side of Stratford Road.

You did. But you know what?

We quite like it here
and it's a free country. You what?

You heard me...muttonhead!

How dare you?
You need a good hiding.

Oh, I see. And who's going to
do that, you nincompoop?

Go on, say something else,
and I'll deck you.

Come on, then. You idiot.

Oh! Argh!

Amjad, why didn't you step in?

I was waiting for stronger evidence.

He just thumped me. Arrest him.

Arrest me? Yes. He's a policeman.

What? I know, I can't believe it,
either. But there you are.

And I know about the stolen TVs.
Stolen TVs?

They're in my shed for repair.
I'm a repair man, that's what I do.

I'm not a criminal.
But you're a thug. You thumped me.

And it blooming hurt.

I'm sorry.

And your family have been
bullying mine.

That's my fault too.

I told them to toughen up a bit,
you know, stand up for themselves.

It's this area, it's really going
downhill round here now.

You're right. My boys,
they're just big softies, really.

What about Lecter?

Sadly, he really is a nasty bit
of work, aren't you, boy?

HE SNARLS
Argh!

Well, yes. The place is going
downhill. So, shall we...

..call it quits? Yeah. Sure.

So, what I was going to say
to you,

me and the wife try and get away
from here as much as we can.

Yes, we do too. Last week we went
to the Small Heath Asda instead.

Pretty impressive.
Huge Halal counter.

No, not...

I mean "away" away, you know.

Last month, we was at our holiday
home in the South of France. Oh!

You should come over! OK!
See the photos!

Faster? Yeah!

# I want you to show me

# I want to feel

# I want to feel what love is

# I know

# I know you can show me

# Let's talk about love

# I wanna know what love is

# The love that you feel inside

Has Nadiya been OK?
Oh, was she here?

She is your niece, you know.

She's your daughter. You win.

What are we going to do, Shazia. You
need to talk to your mum. I can't.

Look at Alia. She does her own
thing all the time. Yes.

Because she lies. I'll talk to her
if you like.

No. Shazia! OK. Fine.

Will you, Alia? Yeah, no problem.

What will you say?
I'll make something up.

What do you think of this?

It's lightweight
and perfect for travelling.

Never mind that.
Matt and Debbie are going on holiday

with Shazia and Amjad,
and you're not.

You're welcome.

I thought you said
you were going to lie. I lied.

Oh, she's good. I'm sorry, Mum.

But I thought you booked
a family holiday? I did.

For my little family,
with Matt and Debbie.

But I...I bought a new
swimming costume and this outfit.

If you wear that here, they might
still see you in the Canaries.

I'm sorry, Mum. I just wanted
our first holiday to be just us...

With Matt and Debbie.
..with Matt and Debbie.

How am I going to tell Naani?

I'll do it. No, you won't!

Ah, good news!

I've sorted the bullying.
All is well.

Maybe not. Everything OK?

Yes, Shazia and Amjad
are going on holiday

and we are NOT going with them.

I know. Isn't it great?

We'll get some peace and quiet.

Yeah, great.

Off you go, Shazia.

Amjad is already next door,
packing all the rest of his things.

Enjoy your time on the beach
and in the sea with Matt and Debbay.

Thanks, Dad. Will Mum be OK?
She'll be fine. Go, go, go, go.

Papaji, can I...?
Yes. Here you are.

I think it's lovely
that Shazia and Amjad are having

a holiday with Matt and Debbay.

I guess.

It means that we get
a bit of time to ourselves, uh?

I suppose I should go and unpack.

Ah. Not so fast, my lime-green
Pakistani princess.

What do you mean? Well,
we made some friends at the park.

Huggee-duggee Johnson
and his family.

Very friendly.

He said we can make use of their
holiday home at any time.

Holiday home? Wow!

We can leave tonight.

I'll even put my swimming costume
on for you, eh?

Here, I took a photo of it earlier.

Did you know she was in the picture?

Who?

The girl behind you.

Oh, my God!

I don't believe it!

No way!

It's someone who looks
just like Alia.

You didn't say it was a mobile home.
I didn't say it wasn't.

Come on, let's watch the cricket
highlights, eh? I'm going to bed.

OK, sweetie.

Oh, no! I forgot my toothbrush.

It's OK. I'll go and get you one
in the morning. No! Now!

Right, fine.
I'll save that for later.

Honestly...

Oi! Naani! What did I say?
Keep the blooming heating off!

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