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1
00:00:03,236 --> 00:00:07,954
Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham,
the capital of British Pakistan.
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00:00:13,964 --> 00:00:15,228
They all know me!
3
00:00:15,228 --> 00:00:16,276
You like my suit?
4
00:00:17,894 --> 00:00:20,200
Number one, Citizen Khan.
5
00:00:21,248 --> 00:00:24,284
Morning everyone, and welcome to
the Mr Khan Community Leader
6
00:00:24,284 --> 00:00:28,296
Cricket Stadium in Pakistan's
fourth largest city...
7
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Birmingham!
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00:00:31,264 --> 00:00:34,224
And facing Pakistan today...
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00:00:34,224 --> 00:00:35,296
is the MCC,
10
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the Muslim Cricket Club!
11
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And opening the batting for Pakistan
is Mr Khan, community leader,
12
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and opening
the bowling for the MCC
13
00:00:45,284 --> 00:00:50,228
is the new cricketing sensation,
Baby Mohammad!
14
00:00:50,228 --> 00:00:53,244
CREAKING SOUND
15
00:00:53,244 --> 00:00:55,232
Six! Hey!
16
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Six again! The crowd goes wild!
17
00:01:05,252 --> 00:01:08,248
Ah! Good ball!
18
00:01:08,248 --> 00:01:10,224
There's a shout for LBW.
19
00:01:10,224 --> 00:01:12,212
What's the umpire's decision
going to be?
20
00:01:12,212 --> 00:01:14,248
The crowd are waiting
in anticipation!
21
00:01:14,248 --> 00:01:16,232
It's a very tense moment
out at the middle.
22
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What's the umpire's decision?
23
00:01:18,256 --> 00:01:19,772
Not out!
24
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Dadda. I'm sorry,
the umpire's decision is final,
25
00:01:25,216 --> 00:01:27,220
your daddy can't help you now.
26
00:01:27,220 --> 00:01:28,268
Dadda.
27
00:01:28,268 --> 00:01:31,200
No, your daddy's not here.
28
00:01:31,200 --> 00:01:33,272
I'm Grandpa. Mr Khan.
29
00:01:33,272 --> 00:01:35,212
Ring, ring.
30
00:01:35,212 --> 00:01:37,284
What? Ring, ring, Dadda.
31
00:01:37,284 --> 00:01:39,280
What are you talking about?
32
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TELEPHONE RINGS
33
00:01:41,208 --> 00:01:42,368
Hang on, the phone's ringing.
34
00:01:45,232 --> 00:01:47,204
Hello, Mr Khan speaking.
35
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Oh, hello, Amjad.
Yes, he's absolutely fine.
36
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I'm talking to your daddy.
37
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Ring, ring, Dadda.
38
00:01:56,248 --> 00:01:57,280
Oh, my God.
39
00:01:57,280 --> 00:01:58,296
You knew?
40
00:01:58,296 --> 00:02:01,248
You knew it was going
to be your daddy!
41
00:02:01,248 --> 00:02:03,276
Mohammad, you're psychic.
42
00:02:03,276 --> 00:02:05,288
You're Mystic Mo!
43
00:02:05,288 --> 00:02:07,252
KHAN LAUGHS
44
00:02:09,248 --> 00:02:10,288
Ring, ring, Dadda.
45
00:02:12,224 --> 00:02:13,292
Ring, ring, Dadda.
46
00:02:18,224 --> 00:02:21,200
I believe in miracles
47
00:02:21,200 --> 00:02:23,260
Since you came along
You sexy thing.
48
00:02:25,296 --> 00:02:27,292
Where's Mystic... I mean Baby Mo?
49
00:02:27,292 --> 00:02:29,248
Upstairs.
50
00:02:29,248 --> 00:02:30,280
Why?
51
00:02:30,280 --> 00:02:32,288
I need him to help me pick
my lottery numbers.
52
00:02:32,288 --> 00:02:36,200
You can't play the lottery,
it's gambling, it's not allowed!
53
00:02:36,200 --> 00:02:37,268
Sweetie, it's not gambling
54
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if you've already been told
what the result's going to be.
55
00:02:41,216 --> 00:02:44,272
Just like when we bet on the
Pakistani cricket team.
56
00:02:44,272 --> 00:02:48,216
Pota, this is Grandpa.
57
00:02:48,216 --> 00:02:51,296
If you think I should pick 12,
say "12."
58
00:02:51,296 --> 00:02:54,276
What's wrong with you?
He's just a baby.
59
00:02:54,276 --> 00:02:57,220
You're right, I'm being silly.
60
00:02:57,220 --> 00:02:59,200
BABY TALK VOICE Puthar,
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00:02:59,200 --> 00:03:02,216
if you think I
should pick 12, say "Dadda".
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00:03:03,268 --> 00:03:07,224
Not 12. 13? 14? 22?
63
00:03:07,224 --> 00:03:09,296
Don't disturb him.
He's having his nap.
64
00:03:09,296 --> 00:03:12,220
Ooh.
Are you OK, my darling?
65
00:03:12,220 --> 00:03:14,268
Yes, I'm fine. It's just...
66
00:03:14,268 --> 00:03:16,284
I've got a bit of a bad tummy.
67
00:03:16,284 --> 00:03:19,288
I bought loads of toilet roll
from the cash and carry.
68
00:03:21,236 --> 00:03:24,232
It's not that.
It's probably stress.
69
00:03:24,232 --> 00:03:26,208
What are you stressed about?
70
00:03:26,208 --> 00:03:29,204
Did you put your control pants
in the hot wash again?
71
00:03:29,204 --> 00:03:30,280
It's Alia.
72
00:03:30,280 --> 00:03:32,224
She's out all the time -
73
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and Shazia's working so hard to save
up money to buy a house and...
74
00:03:36,228 --> 00:03:38,244
Sweetie, chillax.
75
00:03:38,244 --> 00:03:40,208
You worry too much.
76
00:03:40,208 --> 00:03:41,264
Here's what you need to do,
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00:03:41,264 --> 00:03:44,280
think of the biggest
source of stress in your life,
78
00:03:44,280 --> 00:03:49,228
the one thing that causes you more
trouble than anything else.
79
00:03:50,236 --> 00:03:51,248
Right.
80
00:03:51,248 --> 00:03:55,240
Now, imagine putting it into a big,
black bag,
81
00:03:55,240 --> 00:03:57,216
tying up the top
82
00:03:57,216 --> 00:04:01,204
and then burying it deep,
deep into hole in the ground.
83
00:04:01,204 --> 00:04:02,208
Right.
84
00:04:03,220 --> 00:04:04,236
Are you doing it?
85
00:04:04,236 --> 00:04:06,200
Yes, I am.
86
00:04:06,200 --> 00:04:09,204
Doesn't that feel better? A bit.
87
00:04:09,204 --> 00:04:11,252
You're lucky you've got me here, huh?
88
00:04:11,252 --> 00:04:14,204
Puthar! What about 37?
89
00:04:14,204 --> 00:04:15,296
BABY CRIES
90
00:04:15,296 --> 00:04:17,296
I told you not to wake him.
91
00:04:17,296 --> 00:04:20,268
It's OK, beta, Granny's coming.
92
00:04:20,268 --> 00:04:22,296
But I only need two more numbers!
93
00:04:22,296 --> 00:04:26,296
And the draw finishes in four hours
and 17 minutes.
94
00:04:26,296 --> 00:04:28,236
"Dadda."
95
00:04:28,236 --> 00:04:29,264
17!
96
00:04:29,264 --> 00:04:32,200
Does that mean yes?
97
00:04:32,200 --> 00:04:34,224
"Dadda." Yes!
98
00:04:34,224 --> 00:04:35,268
17!
99
00:04:36,288 --> 00:04:38,220
Excellent.
100
00:04:38,220 --> 00:04:40,284
I believe in miracles
You sexy thing.
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KHAN CLEARS HIS THROAT
102
00:04:41,292 --> 00:04:44,280
ALIA: Papaji!
I'm going out, be back later.
103
00:04:44,280 --> 00:04:47,292
Sweetie, Alia, you know
how your mother worries.
104
00:04:47,292 --> 00:04:49,126
You're supposed to tell us where
you're going
105
00:04:49,126 --> 00:04:52,268
and what time you'll be back.
But I did. Did you?
106
00:04:52,268 --> 00:04:55,296
Yeah. I'm going
"out" and I'll be back "later".
107
00:04:55,296 --> 00:04:58,212
Hmm. Oh, yes.
108
00:04:58,212 --> 00:05:00,248
Hello, sir. Oh, hello, Amjad.
109
00:05:00,248 --> 00:05:03,280
Where's my little Mo Mo? Here he is.
110
00:05:03,280 --> 00:05:05,296
SOMEBODY woke him up.
111
00:05:05,296 --> 00:05:08,204
Did he mention any more numbers? No.
112
00:05:08,204 --> 00:05:09,224
DOORBELL RINGS
113
00:05:09,224 --> 00:05:11,284
That'll be my mummy, she said
she was going to meet us here.
114
00:05:11,284 --> 00:05:14,240
Oh, God! Hide the food.
115
00:05:14,240 --> 00:05:15,296
Where is he?
116
00:05:15,296 --> 00:05:19,268
I can't wait to squeeze those
lovely, squidgy cheeks...
117
00:05:19,268 --> 00:05:22,248
Keep back!
What the hell's wrong with you?
118
00:05:24,248 --> 00:05:26,284
She means Baby Mo.
Oh, yes, of course.
119
00:05:26,284 --> 00:05:28,252
He's just playing in his travel cot.
120
00:05:28,252 --> 00:05:31,208
MRS MALIK: I need to give
him a great big kiss.
121
00:05:31,208 --> 00:05:32,244
No bloomin' way!
122
00:05:32,244 --> 00:05:35,280
He still hasn't got over
the stubble rash from the last one.
123
00:05:37,248 --> 00:05:40,252
And... we've got to
finish off our mathematics game.
124
00:05:40,252 --> 00:05:43,272
Well, at least that sounds
educational.
125
00:05:43,272 --> 00:05:46,232
And profitable.
We're picking lottery numbers!
126
00:05:46,232 --> 00:05:47,264
Hai, hai!
127
00:05:47,264 --> 00:05:51,228
And I see he's still wearing
that hideous green top.
128
00:05:51,228 --> 00:05:52,264
How dare you.
129
00:05:52,264 --> 00:05:55,228
I'll have you know that's
an exclusive, one of a kind,
130
00:05:55,228 --> 00:05:57,264
replica Pakistani cricket shirt.
131
00:05:57,264 --> 00:05:59,252
It's classy.
KHAN CLEARS HIS THROAT
132
00:05:59,252 --> 00:06:03,264
Well, soon we won't have
to fight over him any more.
133
00:06:03,264 --> 00:06:04,268
What do you mean?
134
00:06:04,268 --> 00:06:07,256
I've got some good news
and bad news.
135
00:06:07,256 --> 00:06:09,292
Oh, I hate good news and bad news!
136
00:06:09,292 --> 00:06:12,200
Which do you want to hear first?
137
00:06:12,200 --> 00:06:13,244
The bad news?
138
00:06:13,244 --> 00:06:16,248
Mr Malik and I are moving away.
139
00:06:16,248 --> 00:06:18,232
He said the BAD news.
140
00:06:19,296 --> 00:06:24,228
Mr Malik has taken early retirement,
so we're moving up north,
141
00:06:24,228 --> 00:06:26,272
where the air is so much healthier.
142
00:06:26,272 --> 00:06:28,200
Where's that?
143
00:06:28,200 --> 00:06:32,248
It's a beautiful cathedral city,
in the foothills of the Pennines,
144
00:06:32,248 --> 00:06:35,232
just a stone's throw
from the Yorkshire Dales.
145
00:06:35,232 --> 00:06:37,212
Oh, you mean Bradford.
146
00:06:38,272 --> 00:06:40,200
Well, yes.
147
00:06:40,226 --> 00:06:42,905
The air might be healthier, but the
rest of it's a complete... Let's...
148
00:06:45,212 --> 00:06:47,236
Let's hear the rest of her news!
149
00:06:47,236 --> 00:06:50,200
We're very sorry to hear
you're moving away,
150
00:06:50,200 --> 00:06:53,244
we'll keep in touch and I promise
we will come and visit,
151
00:06:53,244 --> 00:06:54,268
won't we?
152
00:06:54,268 --> 00:06:56,296
KHAN LAUGHS
153
00:06:56,296 --> 00:06:59,208
Yes, of course we will.
154
00:06:59,208 --> 00:07:00,272
What's the good news?
155
00:07:00,272 --> 00:07:03,276
We want you... to come with us!
156
00:07:03,276 --> 00:07:04,280
What?!
157
00:07:04,280 --> 00:07:06,260
We're going to downsize,
158
00:07:06,260 --> 00:07:10,248
so we've decided to buy Amjad
and his family their first house,
159
00:07:10,248 --> 00:07:13,248
just round
the corner from our new place.
160
00:07:13,248 --> 00:07:15,220
No! Wow!
161
00:07:15,220 --> 00:07:16,288
Our own house!
162
00:07:16,288 --> 00:07:19,288
MRS MALIK: Yes.
SHAZIA: That's such a kind offer!
163
00:07:19,288 --> 00:07:22,272
We don't know what to say,
do we, budhoo?
164
00:07:22,272 --> 00:07:24,232
No.
165
00:07:24,232 --> 00:07:27,248
To be fair,
he never knows what to say.
166
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Say no! Mum!
167
00:07:29,260 --> 00:07:31,288
I'm not going to let you take them
away from us.
168
00:07:31,288 --> 00:07:35,208
See, this is the problem
with this family.
169
00:07:35,208 --> 00:07:37,248
Too much parental interference.
170
00:07:37,248 --> 00:07:41,280
Young people need to be left to
stand on their own two feet.
171
00:07:41,280 --> 00:07:45,236
You're buying them a flipping house!
172
00:07:45,236 --> 00:07:48,236
Shazia, you can't move to Bradford!
173
00:07:48,236 --> 00:07:50,248
You love living here, don't you?
174
00:07:50,248 --> 00:07:52,280
In your little house,
next to your mummy!
175
00:07:52,280 --> 00:07:56,268
Your mummy who gave birth to you
and raised you
176
00:07:56,268 --> 00:08:00,248
and slaved for 20 years to
raise you,
177
00:08:00,248 --> 00:08:04,240
sacrificing every dream
she had so you could be happy!
178
00:08:04,240 --> 00:08:06,200
Mum, don't do this.
179
00:08:06,200 --> 00:08:09,224
Shazia, we don't want you to move
into a brand-new executive home
180
00:08:09,224 --> 00:08:10,296
in the Yorkshire Dales.
181
00:08:10,296 --> 00:08:14,212
You'd be far better off living in a
cheap, rented house in Sparkhill,
182
00:08:14,212 --> 00:08:15,256
next to your parents.
183
00:08:16,276 --> 00:08:19,236
It has been great for Mo
having you so close,
184
00:08:19,236 --> 00:08:22,264
but we have to think about the
future, don't we, budhoo? Yes.
185
00:08:22,264 --> 00:08:25,292
And what do you think, beta?
Of the future?
186
00:08:25,292 --> 00:08:27,264
Oh...
187
00:08:27,264 --> 00:08:29,216
Well,
188
00:08:29,216 --> 00:08:33,252
I think we might all
travel around with jet packs...
189
00:08:33,252 --> 00:08:35,232
and have robots as our masters.
190
00:08:37,256 --> 00:08:39,256
I mean YOUR future.
191
00:08:39,256 --> 00:08:40,280
Oh, right.
192
00:08:42,204 --> 00:08:45,260
We really want our own house, Mum,
and realistically speaking,
193
00:08:45,260 --> 00:08:47,252
this is the only way we're
going to get it.
194
00:08:47,252 --> 00:08:49,284
But this is bribery!
You're bribing them
195
00:08:49,284 --> 00:08:53,208
just so you can have Baby Mo
near you! It's disgraceful!
196
00:08:53,208 --> 00:08:56,200
Shazia, stay here with us.
We'll give you the microwave
197
00:08:56,200 --> 00:08:58,276
and your mother's set of
plastic furniture covers!
198
00:08:58,276 --> 00:08:59,292
Aargh!
199
00:08:59,292 --> 00:09:03,260
It's all right,
I was lying about the covers!
200
00:09:03,260 --> 00:09:07,256
It's the right decision.
The child should be closer to us.
201
00:09:07,256 --> 00:09:10,212
No way! He's more ours
than yours, anyway.
202
00:09:10,212 --> 00:09:12,240
What are you talking about?
Think about it!
203
00:09:12,240 --> 00:09:16,256
He's handsome, intelligent,
may have some kind of superpower...
204
00:09:16,256 --> 00:09:18,296
These are all Khan family traits.
205
00:09:18,296 --> 00:09:20,276
What?
206
00:09:20,276 --> 00:09:24,252
It's genetics, isn't it?
It's all to do with DNA.
207
00:09:24,252 --> 00:09:26,252
What does DNA stand for again?
208
00:09:27,489 --> 00:09:28,848
Definitely Not Amjad.
209
00:09:31,187 --> 00:09:32,244
Dad!
210
00:09:32,244 --> 00:09:34,912
So, how much more Khan is he?
211
00:09:34,912 --> 00:09:38,216
I don't know. Maybe 95% Khan.
212
00:09:38,216 --> 00:09:41,256
So, he's just a quarter me?
213
00:09:41,256 --> 00:09:43,236
What's that? Like an arm and a leg?
214
00:09:43,236 --> 00:09:45,272
Well, it's not the brain, is it?
215
00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:50,691
Look, the point is, he's a Khan baby,
so he should stay here with us.
216
00:09:50,691 --> 00:09:52,276
What a load of rubbish.
217
00:09:52,276 --> 00:09:56,264
Come on, we're going to see a couple
of places this afternoon.
218
00:09:56,264 --> 00:09:57,292
No...
219
00:09:57,292 --> 00:10:00,224
Oh, the pain! Ah, ah..
220
00:10:00,224 --> 00:10:01,284
Mrs Khan, are you OK?
221
00:10:01,284 --> 00:10:04,200
She's just trying to guilt me
into staying.
222
00:10:04,200 --> 00:10:06,220
Like when I was 11
and she faked a brain haemorrhage
223
00:10:06,220 --> 00:10:07,540
to stop me going for a sleepover.
224
00:10:09,264 --> 00:10:11,220
Ah... Mum...
225
00:10:11,220 --> 00:10:13,204
I understand you're upset,
226
00:10:13,204 --> 00:10:16,236
but we've got to think
of the future. Aaaah!
227
00:10:16,236 --> 00:10:19,220
What if she's really ill?
Maybe we should call an ambulance.
228
00:10:19,220 --> 00:10:21,260
Yeah. Or I could just Google it?
229
00:10:21,260 --> 00:10:24,244
Such a clever girl!
Imam and a doctor!
230
00:10:26,212 --> 00:10:27,280
Does it hurt when she coughs?
231
00:10:27,280 --> 00:10:29,268
MRS KHAN COUGHS AND MOANS
232
00:10:29,268 --> 00:10:31,220
Yes.
233
00:10:31,220 --> 00:10:34,288
Is she experiencing nausea,
loss of appetite?
234
00:10:34,288 --> 00:10:36,260
MRS KHAN: Agh!
Yes.
235
00:10:36,260 --> 00:10:39,232
I wouldn't eat her samosas either!
236
00:10:39,232 --> 00:10:42,288
Well, you've been eating
somebody's samosas!
237
00:10:42,288 --> 00:10:44,220
Aah!
238
00:10:44,220 --> 00:10:46,296
You can overdramatise all you like!
239
00:10:46,296 --> 00:10:50,276
They're coming to Bradford with us,
and that's final!
240
00:10:50,276 --> 00:10:52,252
Aah!
241
00:10:52,252 --> 00:10:57,200
SHAZIA: Well, according to this,
she's got acute appendicitis!
242
00:10:57,200 --> 00:10:59,236
SCREAMING
243
00:10:59,236 --> 00:11:01,208
THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER
244
00:11:01,208 --> 00:11:05,284
Calm, on, everybody, come on.
Oh, shut up! Come on!
245
00:11:05,284 --> 00:11:09,240
Everybody get out, come on.
246
00:11:12,276 --> 00:11:14,240
Ah! Come on, you.
247
00:11:16,200 --> 00:11:18,220
Oh, eh? You see?
248
00:11:18,220 --> 00:11:21,232
At least I'm not the idiot, eh?
Come on.
249
00:11:23,268 --> 00:11:24,284
Come on.
250
00:11:24,284 --> 00:11:26,220
Easy.
251
00:11:26,220 --> 00:11:28,228
Easy. We're in bay four.
252
00:11:30,208 --> 00:11:32,240
Are we all in? Yes.
253
00:11:33,256 --> 00:11:35,280
Jaldi, jaldi! So, if you could...
254
00:11:35,280 --> 00:11:40,240
Eh, with my wife, it's best to let me
do the talking, huh? I see.
255
00:11:40,240 --> 00:11:43,208
Well, if you can just ask
her to pop herself onto the bed.
256
00:11:43,208 --> 00:11:45,240
Pop yourself onto the bed, sweetie...
257
00:11:45,522 --> 00:11:47,916
SHE TALKS IN URDU
258
00:11:48,216 --> 00:11:50,220
We'll just help her up.
259
00:11:50,220 --> 00:11:52,216
Ooh! That's it.
260
00:11:52,216 --> 00:11:55,200
If she can make herself
as comfortable as possible.
261
00:11:55,200 --> 00:11:57,252
Make yourself as comfortable
as possible, sweetie.
262
00:11:57,252 --> 00:12:00,240
SHE SHOUTS IN URDU
263
00:12:00,240 --> 00:12:03,200
And a doctor will be
along very soon to assess her.
264
00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:04,268
Why the hell are you talking to him?
265
00:12:04,268 --> 00:12:06,288
Oh! I thought
perhaps you didn't speak English.
266
00:12:06,288 --> 00:12:09,272
Of course I speak English,
you stupid woman!
267
00:12:09,272 --> 00:12:12,232
She does speak English.
I just swear in Urdu.
268
00:12:12,232 --> 00:12:14,252
SHE SPEAKS URDU
269
00:12:14,252 --> 00:12:15,296
What was that?
270
00:12:15,296 --> 00:12:17,280
I'd rather not say.
271
00:12:17,280 --> 00:12:20,280
But for the record, I think
you've got a very nice nose.
272
00:12:20,280 --> 00:12:22,280
Please, can we just see a doctor?
273
00:12:22,280 --> 00:12:25,204
I'm sure it will all be OK.
274
00:12:25,204 --> 00:12:27,272
I had appendicitis once
and I was fine,
275
00:12:27,272 --> 00:12:29,212
and after the operation,
276
00:12:29,212 --> 00:12:31,236
I got to eat ice cream
for a whole week.
277
00:12:31,236 --> 00:12:33,252
That's tonsillitis. Oh, yes.
278
00:12:33,252 --> 00:12:36,288
It says if gets really bad,
the appendix could burst,
279
00:12:36,288 --> 00:12:40,208
and that can lead to infection
and even peritonitis,
280
00:12:40,208 --> 00:12:42,288
which in extreme cases may
lead to...
281
00:12:42,288 --> 00:12:44,264
SHAZIA GASPS Oh, my God!
282
00:12:44,264 --> 00:12:47,244
What! What is it?
My phone's nearly out of charge!
283
00:12:49,204 --> 00:12:51,212
Ah! I'll go and get a doctor.
Thank you!
284
00:12:51,212 --> 00:12:53,224
Make it a Pakistani one! Dad!
285
00:12:53,224 --> 00:12:55,272
OK, doesn't have to be Pakistani.
286
00:12:55,272 --> 00:12:57,244
Just not Indian, huh?
287
00:12:57,244 --> 00:13:00,236
Or Polish, or Romanian,
or Ethiopian, or...
288
00:13:00,236 --> 00:13:05,216
I think perhaps
we ought to give you some privacy.
289
00:13:05,216 --> 00:13:10,212
Why don't Amjad and I take
my grandson back to my house? No!
290
00:13:10,212 --> 00:13:14,272
Don't let her take my... Don't
get yourself excited, sweetie..
291
00:13:14,272 --> 00:13:17,240
She's going to
take our grandson away from us!
292
00:13:17,240 --> 00:13:20,216
I don't want to be a
long-distance grandparent!
293
00:13:20,216 --> 00:13:24,248
I don't want to miss his first
steps, his first words.
294
00:13:24,248 --> 00:13:26,208
His first lottery win.
295
00:13:27,224 --> 00:13:29,232
You've got to stop her.
But what about you?
296
00:13:29,232 --> 00:13:31,212
I'll be fine, just stop her.
297
00:13:31,212 --> 00:13:33,288
But how?
Amjad is his father, after all.
298
00:13:33,288 --> 00:13:36,200
Just find a way!
299
00:13:36,200 --> 00:13:37,256
Promise me!
300
00:13:37,256 --> 00:13:39,284
Sweetie, you got some skin there!
301
00:13:39,284 --> 00:13:43,240
She is going to take our
grandson to Bradford
302
00:13:43,240 --> 00:13:45,224
and turn him into a Malik!
303
00:13:45,224 --> 00:13:46,292
Over my dead body!
304
00:13:46,292 --> 00:13:49,280
But not yours, though, my darling.
KHAN CLEARS HIS THROAT
305
00:13:53,216 --> 00:13:55,240
Just a moment. What is it?
306
00:13:55,240 --> 00:13:57,280
He needs his nappy changing,
and I'll do it.
307
00:13:57,280 --> 00:14:00,264
I can't smell anything.
Oh? No sense of smell?
308
00:14:00,264 --> 00:14:04,200
That'll help you settle in
when you move to Bradford.
309
00:14:04,200 --> 00:14:06,236
Come on, Amjad. I need your help.
310
00:14:06,236 --> 00:14:10,252
I'm not very good at nappies, sir.
Forget the nappies.
311
00:14:10,252 --> 00:14:12,244
Look, you can't move to Bradford.
312
00:14:12,244 --> 00:14:14,296
They've got enough Pakistanis
there already.
313
00:14:14,296 --> 00:14:17,292
But Mummy says that it would be good
for me to move out
314
00:14:17,292 --> 00:14:19,236
and to have my own house.
315
00:14:19,236 --> 00:14:21,216
I've got a better idea.
316
00:14:21,216 --> 00:14:22,272
We're going to do a DNA test.
317
00:14:22,272 --> 00:14:24,256
We're going to prove,
once and for all
318
00:14:24,256 --> 00:14:26,276
that Baby Mo is a Khan
through and through.
319
00:14:26,276 --> 00:14:29,212
I'm not sure that's a good idea.
Why not?
320
00:14:29,212 --> 00:14:32,228
I'm not very good at tests,
and I haven't brought a pencil.
321
00:14:32,228 --> 00:14:36,232
Amjad, just wait over there
with the toys.
322
00:14:36,232 --> 00:14:38,228
I meant with the boy!
323
00:14:38,228 --> 00:14:40,200
Oh, right.
324
00:14:44,244 --> 00:14:46,216
DNA test...
325
00:14:46,216 --> 00:14:47,276
DNA test...
326
00:14:47,276 --> 00:14:49,208
Where is it?
327
00:14:49,208 --> 00:14:50,240
Oh!
328
00:14:50,240 --> 00:14:53,236
I want a DNA test, not
do the blooming' washing up!
329
00:14:53,236 --> 00:14:55,200
Excuse me! Hai!
330
00:14:55,200 --> 00:14:57,288
Are you a doctor? What?
Are you a doctor?
331
00:14:57,288 --> 00:15:01,240
Of course I'm a doctor.
I'm Pakistani and I'm in a hospital.
332
00:15:01,240 --> 00:15:03,216
What else could I be?
333
00:15:03,216 --> 00:15:05,216
I'm Doctor Khan. And look...
334
00:15:05,216 --> 00:15:07,200
here's my white coat.
335
00:15:07,200 --> 00:15:08,268
I took it off to go to the loo,
you see?
336
00:15:08,268 --> 00:15:11,276
Because my long, bendy thing
gets stuck in my buttons.
337
00:15:14,200 --> 00:15:15,220
Oh!
338
00:15:15,220 --> 00:15:19,296
Sorry, Doctor. I'm new here so I
don't know everyone yet. No problem.
339
00:15:19,296 --> 00:15:24,208
You're needed in cubicle seven.
What?! Cubicle seven.
340
00:15:25,216 --> 00:15:27,220
Here we are, Mr Bowyer.
341
00:15:27,220 --> 00:15:31,296
I've brought Dr Khan to see you.
Salaam Aleikum.
342
00:15:31,296 --> 00:15:35,236
There's nothing wrong with me,
so get out and leave me alone!
343
00:15:35,236 --> 00:15:36,284
Oh, well, that was easy enough!
344
00:15:36,284 --> 00:15:40,204
As you can see, Mr Bowyer is being
a little bit difficult.
345
00:15:40,204 --> 00:15:44,224
The next person who touches me
is getting a smack in the mouth.
346
00:15:44,224 --> 00:15:46,343
I think you can take it from here.
Please, Doctor!
347
00:15:46,343 --> 00:15:50,264
This is Darren Bowyer, 43,
he's in a lot of pain,
348
00:15:50,264 --> 00:15:56,204
he's passed out once already and may
have dislocated his shoulder.
349
00:15:56,204 --> 00:15:58,200
Mmm. Mmm. That all seems in order.
350
00:15:58,200 --> 00:15:59,288
Don't you want to examine him?
351
00:16:01,034 --> 00:16:02,232
OK.
352
00:16:05,296 --> 00:16:08,208
Aargh!
What do you suggest we should do?
353
00:16:08,208 --> 00:16:11,228
Well, don't touch that for a start.
Touch what? That. Aargh!
354
00:16:11,228 --> 00:16:14,264
What are you playing at?! Maybe you
should stop pressing there.
355
00:16:14,264 --> 00:16:18,224
That was touching. This is
pressing. Aaargh! Get him off me!
356
00:16:18,224 --> 00:16:22,200
Calm down, sir.
Dr Khan knows what he's doing.
357
00:16:22,200 --> 00:16:23,216
What are you doing?
358
00:16:23,216 --> 00:16:25,288
I'm just getting
a second opinion. From who?
359
00:16:25,288 --> 00:16:29,339
My colleague. Dr G... Oogle.
360
00:16:30,252 --> 00:16:33,265
Shall I give him pain killers?
Organise an X-ray?
361
00:16:33,304 --> 00:16:36,304
All of those things.
Plus, we'll do a DNA test.
362
00:16:36,304 --> 00:16:40,997
A DNA test? Are you sure? Of course
I'm sure! I'm a bloomin' doctor!
363
00:16:41,056 --> 00:16:42,797
Why do you think I'm wearing this
white coat -
364
00:16:42,800 --> 00:16:43,872
because I'm a cricket umpire?
365
00:16:44,872 --> 00:16:48,828
Sorry, Doctor! That's OK.
Now you're out.
366
00:16:49,368 --> 00:16:50,654
Bye.
367
00:16:51,280 --> 00:16:53,876
Don't worry, it'll all be fine!
368
00:16:53,876 --> 00:16:56,860
Whoops! I nearly did it again there!
369
00:16:56,860 --> 00:16:59,880
Argh! Oh twaddi!
370
00:16:59,880 --> 00:17:03,852
I'll just put this back up. Ohhh!
371
00:17:06,405 --> 00:17:08,617
Put this over there...
372
00:17:08,617 --> 00:17:11,836
BEEPING What's that?!
373
00:17:11,836 --> 00:17:15,892
Oh! Heart attack!
He's having a heart attack!
374
00:17:15,892 --> 00:17:17,902
I'll save you!
375
00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:29,896
Come on!
Twaddi-twaddi-twaddi-twaddi-twadd...!
376
00:17:29,896 --> 00:17:31,864
Oh, no!
377
00:17:31,864 --> 00:17:34,820
Right! I'll get this.
378
00:17:34,820 --> 00:17:35,872
Over here.
379
00:17:35,872 --> 00:17:37,884
Turn it up to the max.
380
00:17:42,964 --> 00:17:44,742
They do this on Holby Cities!
381
00:17:45,196 --> 00:17:47,501
Ready! Clear!
382
00:18:06,201 --> 00:18:08,237
GROANING
383
00:18:08,237 --> 00:18:12,456
Will the doctor be here soon?
Of course they will. Any moment.
384
00:18:12,456 --> 00:18:14,868
Only I've got meet my mates, so...
385
00:18:16,020 --> 00:18:18,056
Fine! I'll call them and tell them
I'll be late.
386
00:18:18,056 --> 00:18:22,012
You can't do that in here. It's a
hospital. Right! I'll go outside!
387
00:18:22,012 --> 00:18:23,172
See if you can find a doctor!
388
00:18:24,096 --> 00:18:26,076
This is the problem with the NHS.
389
00:18:26,076 --> 00:18:29,080
That's why Mr Malik and I
go private.
390
00:18:29,080 --> 00:18:32,048
I can phone my doctor any time,
day or night
391
00:18:32,048 --> 00:18:34,024
and he will see me straight away.
392
00:18:34,024 --> 00:18:37,096
Can't you call him now? Hardly.
He's on holiday in Barbados.
393
00:18:39,028 --> 00:18:41,092
Hi. Sorry to keep you waiting.
I'm Doctor Shah.
394
00:18:41,092 --> 00:18:45,040
Oh, thank God. It's my mum.
Hello there, Mrs...? Khan.
395
00:18:45,040 --> 00:18:50,016
Hello, Mrs Khan. What seems to be
the problem? Well, Doctor...
396
00:18:50,016 --> 00:18:52,068
it's my daughters. Sorry?
397
00:18:52,068 --> 00:18:55,040
One of them is moving away and
she's going to take my grandson
398
00:18:55,040 --> 00:18:57,012
so I'll never see him again.
399
00:18:57,012 --> 00:19:00,036
And the other one is out all hours
and she mixes with the wrong crowd!
400
00:19:00,036 --> 00:19:03,092
Mum! We think she's got
appendicitis. I see.
401
00:19:03,092 --> 00:19:06,032
And what makes you think that?
That's what Alia said.
402
00:19:06,032 --> 00:19:08,040
And Alia is...? The delinquent.
403
00:19:10,056 --> 00:19:13,048
Right. So she's not medical.
No. But she is single.
404
00:19:14,068 --> 00:19:18,048
Are you married?
Why don't we check on your appendix?
405
00:19:18,048 --> 00:19:23,024
Is that sore? Yes. So you're not
married? Let's not worry about me.
406
00:19:23,024 --> 00:19:26,000
Alia's a very nice girl really.
407
00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:28,016
Very beautiful. Lovely figure.
408
00:19:28,016 --> 00:19:31,028
Mum, he's not interested in Alia.
So what do you think?
409
00:19:31,028 --> 00:19:36,020
She does sound nice.
I meant about Mum. Right, sorry...
410
00:19:37,060 --> 00:19:40,052
You should meet her, Doctor.
I'm sure you'll get on.
411
00:19:40,052 --> 00:19:44,084
This hospital is rubbish. You can't
get a signal anywhere... Oh, hi.
412
00:19:44,084 --> 00:19:50,060
Hello. I'm Alia. I thought you might
be. I'm Kareem.
413
00:19:52,064 --> 00:19:57,016
I mean Doctor Shah. How's Mum?
Much better.
414
00:20:01,044 --> 00:20:03,068
Ah, there you are!
What took you so long?
415
00:20:03,068 --> 00:20:06,823
How's Mr Bowyer doing?
He's much better.
416
00:20:08,092 --> 00:20:12,096
How are we doing now, Mr Bowyer?
GROANING
417
00:20:16,032 --> 00:20:20,088
"And then the little mouse said,
let's go and find our friend..."
418
00:20:20,088 --> 00:20:23,048
Argh!
419
00:20:23,048 --> 00:20:24,088
"..the fox.
420
00:20:24,088 --> 00:20:28,092
"And the fox said,
let's go and find our friend..."
421
00:20:28,092 --> 00:20:30,068
Argh!
422
00:20:30,068 --> 00:20:32,012
"..the badger.
423
00:20:32,012 --> 00:20:35,056
"And the badger said..."
Amjad. Hello, sir.
424
00:20:35,056 --> 00:20:37,032
Open your mouth. What for?
425
00:20:37,032 --> 00:20:40,012
I need a sample for the DNA test.
But you're not a doctor.
426
00:20:40,012 --> 00:20:43,000
Neither are you,
but we got over that.
427
00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:46,004
Now, open wide... No. Amjad!
428
00:20:47,060 --> 00:20:49,048
What's the next page in your book?
429
00:20:51,040 --> 00:20:53,004
Argh! Thank you.
430
00:20:55,076 --> 00:20:58,060
Now, where's baby Mo?
He's over there sleeping.
431
00:20:58,060 --> 00:21:01,076
He doesn't like these books.
We need to get him swabbed!
432
00:21:04,012 --> 00:21:05,060
We won't wake him.
433
00:21:07,044 --> 00:21:09,012
That's it.
434
00:21:11,084 --> 00:21:14,044
Here, take this
to be tested double quick.
435
00:21:14,044 --> 00:21:17,023
I hear the Jeremy Kyle show's in town
and I want to beat the rush!
436
00:21:25,024 --> 00:21:28,044
Sweetie! It's all OK.
I've taken care of everything.
437
00:21:29,080 --> 00:21:30,096
Where's she gone?
438
00:21:32,016 --> 00:21:35,032
Urrgh. It smells like something
died in here!
439
00:21:37,012 --> 00:21:43,040
Mrs Khan! No! She must have passed
away before they could operate!
440
00:21:43,040 --> 00:21:48,044
Oh, my God! They tried to save her
but there was nothing they could do!
441
00:21:48,044 --> 00:21:50,044
No! It can't be!
442
00:21:52,024 --> 00:21:55,096
Why?! Why did this happen?!
443
00:21:55,096 --> 00:21:58,032
It's all my fault!
444
00:21:58,032 --> 00:22:00,084
I should have taken more care of you.
445
00:22:00,084 --> 00:22:03,040
Like when I refused to turn
up the heating.
446
00:22:04,561 --> 00:22:08,012
How could I have been so mean?!
447
00:22:08,012 --> 00:22:12,064
Although I did buy you those thermal
socks which you refused to wear.
448
00:22:12,064 --> 00:22:15,000
Don't blame yourself, sir.
449
00:22:15,055 --> 00:22:18,044
No, I should blame myself.
450
00:22:18,044 --> 00:22:22,016
I'm a bad husband.
I didn't appreciate her enough.
451
00:22:22,016 --> 00:22:24,088
I didn't tell her I loved her enough.
452
00:22:24,088 --> 00:22:27,068
You didn't buy her nice presents
on her birthday.
453
00:22:27,068 --> 00:22:30,079
All right, Amjad. Sorry, sir.
454
00:22:31,036 --> 00:22:34,088
It can't be!
Not my little gulab jamun.
455
00:22:34,088 --> 00:22:37,723
Not my sweetie sweetie
twinkle binkle!
456
00:22:38,411 --> 00:22:39,653
Is everything all right?
457
00:22:39,653 --> 00:22:43,072
He's a bit upset because Mrs Khan's
just died. No, she hasn't.
458
00:22:43,072 --> 00:22:46,666
She's been discharged. What?
459
00:22:47,052 --> 00:22:50,012
It wasn't appendicitis,
it was trapped wind.
460
00:22:51,068 --> 00:22:52,526
That explains the smell.
461
00:22:55,032 --> 00:22:57,060
Thank you, God!
462
00:22:57,060 --> 00:23:00,123
Who's sweetie sweetie
twinkle binkle?
463
00:23:00,123 --> 00:23:01,923
Nobody! Shut up, Amjad. Let's go!
464
00:23:08,036 --> 00:23:12,032
Here we are. Thank you, beti.
And thank you for the lift home.
465
00:23:12,032 --> 00:23:16,048
Well, I wasn't going to sit there
waiting for your husband.
466
00:23:16,048 --> 00:23:18,088
God knows what he's up to.
467
00:23:18,088 --> 00:23:21,092
How are you feeling, Mum?
Much better.
468
00:23:21,092 --> 00:23:24,036
The doctor said there was nothing
wrong with her.
469
00:23:24,036 --> 00:23:26,020
No, he said she was stressed.
470
00:23:26,020 --> 00:23:28,076
He said I have to stop bottling
everything up inside.
471
00:23:28,076 --> 00:23:31,024
I've got to let it all go.
472
00:23:31,024 --> 00:23:34,040
Well, you certainly managed
to do that.
473
00:23:36,000 --> 00:23:39,024
At least you don't need to
worry about Alia any more. Huh?
474
00:23:39,024 --> 00:23:41,028
How's it going with Doctor Kareem?
475
00:23:42,060 --> 00:23:45,418
So I'm like, "SOMY, smiley face,"
and he's like "No way! CUIMD,"
476
00:23:45,418 --> 00:23:48,835
so I go, "NIICUF," and he's all,
"FBM hashtag Freddy Krueger!"
477
00:23:51,084 --> 00:23:53,028
It means he likes her.
478
00:23:54,052 --> 00:23:57,642
Well, soon you won't have to
worry about Shazia and Baby Mo
479
00:23:57,642 --> 00:24:01,024
because they'll be with us
in Bradford. No!
480
00:24:01,024 --> 00:24:03,000
Where is my grandson anyway?
481
00:24:03,000 --> 00:24:05,084
THROAT BEING CLEARED LOUDLY
That's them.
482
00:24:05,084 --> 00:24:08,865
Let me see my grandson.
No, he's sleeping.
483
00:24:08,880 --> 00:24:12,888
And he's not your grandson. He's
my grandson. Mine and Mrs Khan's.
484
00:24:12,888 --> 00:24:13,815
That was a close thing -
485
00:24:13,815 --> 00:24:17,892
you almost got lumbered with the
Pakistani Addams Family! Rubbish.
486
00:24:17,892 --> 00:24:19,600
Keep out of it, Uncle Fester-ji!
487
00:24:20,190 --> 00:24:23,888
This baby is more Khan than Malik,
and I can prove it.
488
00:24:23,888 --> 00:24:29,114
What are you talking about?
I have here the results of a DNA test
489
00:24:29,114 --> 00:24:34,856
which clearly shows the percentage of
Malik DNA in this baby is...
490
00:24:34,856 --> 00:24:38,856
zero. What! Oh, my God!
491
00:24:38,856 --> 00:24:41,872
I knew it! 100% Khan!
492
00:24:41,872 --> 00:24:45,919
Dad, that's impossible.
All babies are genetically 50/50.
493
00:24:45,919 --> 00:24:50,179
Half mum, half dad. But, then,
what does that DNA test mean?
494
00:24:50,179 --> 00:24:52,499
I think we all know.
495
00:24:52,695 --> 00:24:57,832
Shazia, tell them Amjad is the
father of that baby. I can't.
496
00:24:57,832 --> 00:25:02,876
Why not? Because he isn't.
Oh, my God!
497
00:25:02,876 --> 00:25:05,931
Amjad's not his father
and I'm not its mother.
498
00:25:05,931 --> 00:25:08,554
Because this isn't our baby!
What?!
499
00:25:11,921 --> 00:25:14,780
They were both wearing the same
shirt, how was I supposed to know?
500
00:25:15,466 --> 00:25:17,153
Ah, here he is!
501
00:25:19,337 --> 00:25:21,824
A bit tacky.
502
00:25:21,824 --> 00:25:25,888
Here's your one.
And try not to lose him.
503
00:25:27,673 --> 00:25:30,942
We gave him some samosas, so you
might need to change his nappy.
504
00:25:34,768 --> 00:25:38,901
It's fine, it's all sorted.
Oh, thank God he's all right.
505
00:25:38,901 --> 00:25:41,900
Now there can be no more argument.
506
00:25:42,551 --> 00:25:45,183
The further away from this house
baby Mohammad is,
507
00:25:45,183 --> 00:25:47,211
the safer he's going to be!
508
00:25:47,888 --> 00:25:53,198
You idiot! You were supposed to stop
her taking him away! Sweetie!
509
00:25:53,198 --> 00:25:56,182
If you're going to get stressed
again, at least let me open a window.
510
00:25:57,824 --> 00:25:59,063
Don't talk to me!
511
00:26:01,067 --> 00:26:06,446
Look, my darling,
I'm sorry about the baby mix-up.
512
00:26:06,446 --> 00:26:08,888
And the DNA test.
513
00:26:08,888 --> 00:26:11,813
But, in the end,
it makes sense for them to move.
514
00:26:11,813 --> 00:26:13,407
They'll have their own house.
515
00:26:13,407 --> 00:26:15,300
A foot on the property ladder.
516
00:26:15,326 --> 00:26:16,797
I know, but...
517
00:26:16,797 --> 00:26:21,888
And we can see Baby Mo every day
on the Facetime and the Skype.
518
00:26:22,725 --> 00:26:24,813
Wait, do they have computers
in Bradford?
519
00:26:26,868 --> 00:26:28,885
But what about MY baby?
520
00:26:28,884 --> 00:26:32,148
What about Shazia?
She's never been away from us.
521
00:26:32,148 --> 00:26:36,438
Sweetie, she's got her own life now.
We have to let her live it.
522
00:26:36,891 --> 00:26:38,563
I suppose you're right.
523
00:26:39,072 --> 00:26:42,056
And Alia will be
going to university soon.
524
00:26:42,056 --> 00:26:44,084
They've grown up so quickly.
525
00:26:44,084 --> 00:26:47,080
It seems like only yesterday
they were in pigtails,
526
00:26:47,080 --> 00:26:50,028
doing shows for us
in the front room.
527
00:26:51,028 --> 00:26:53,040
Our own little Pakistani Little Mix.
528
00:26:55,040 --> 00:26:57,048
But we can't hold on to them forever.
529
00:26:59,088 --> 00:27:02,000
Shazia, your mother and I
have decided
530
00:27:02,000 --> 00:27:06,056
to give you, Amjad and Baby Mo
our blessing to move.
531
00:27:06,056 --> 00:27:09,040
After all,
if Bradford won't come to Mohammad,
532
00:27:09,040 --> 00:27:11,040
then Mohammad must go to Bradford.
533
00:27:11,944 --> 00:27:13,397
We're not going.
534
00:27:14,064 --> 00:27:17,920
What? I told Mrs Malik we won't be
moving to Bradford.
535
00:27:18,092 --> 00:27:20,052
Oh, my God! Oh, thank God!
536
00:27:20,052 --> 00:27:22,036
After everything that's
happened today,
537
00:27:22,036 --> 00:27:24,076
I realised we can't leave
Sparkhill.
538
00:27:24,076 --> 00:27:27,060
Is that because you need your
mother's help looking after the baby?
539
00:27:27,060 --> 00:27:30,020
Because she needs our help looking
after you.
540
00:27:31,068 --> 00:27:34,040
But what about your house and a
place of your own?
541
00:27:34,040 --> 00:27:37,076
Maybe Dad can help us out when he
wins the Lottery.
542
00:27:37,076 --> 00:27:40,880
The Lottery!
I forgot to buy my ticket!
543
00:27:44,020 --> 00:27:46,064
These were going to be
the winning numbers.
544
00:27:46,064 --> 00:27:49,048
What, because Baby Mo told you?
Exactly!
545
00:27:49,048 --> 00:27:52,076
Come on, come on,
they must be here somewhere...
546
00:27:52,076 --> 00:27:57,036
Dad, he's an amazing little boy. But
he's not psychic. You do know that.
547
00:27:57,036 --> 00:28:03,247
4, 8, 17, 25, 29, 34...
Oh, twaadi-i-i!
548
00:28:03,297 --> 00:28:07,847
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