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Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham -
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the capital of British Pakistan.
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They all know me.
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He likes my suit.
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LAUGHTER
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Number one, Citizen Khan.
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Pride of Birmingham Awards 2015.
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Entry for Mr Khan, Community Leader.
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WHISPERING: Go on, Riaz!
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IN BORED VOICE: Mm. Salted peanuts.
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My favourite.
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Oh, no. I'm choking.
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HE PRETENDS TO COUGH
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LAUGHTER
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Oh, no!
It looks like you are choking!
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Don't worry, stranger in my kitchen.
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I, Mr Khan, community leader of
number 22 Malvison Road, Sparkhill,
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will save you!
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Come on!
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Don't you dare die on me!
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I'll have to try mouth-to-mouth.
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Riaz!
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I'm fine now.
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HE COUGHS
Never felt better. Thanks.
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Riaz, this is important!
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It's for the Pride of
Birmingham Awards, for local heroes.
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They give these awards
to a right bunch of idiots.
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They're bound to give me one!
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LAUGHTER
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Look, this time, when you choke,
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try and make it look
more realistic, huh?
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OK.
MR KHAN SIGHS
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Salaam aleikum, Papaji.
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Waleikum salam, my little imami.
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LAUGHTER
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What's going on?
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I'm entering Birmingham Pride.
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LAUGHTER What?
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Birmingham Pride.
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Birmingham Pride?
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Like Birmingham Pride Pride?
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Actual Pride?
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Yep!
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Riaz and I are even recording
a special video for it.
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LAUGHTER
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It's a little bit naughty,
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but you only live once, eh?
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LAUGHTER
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O.M.G.
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Will you be in the parade?
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Well, I guess so! Right at the front.
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Wait till the men
down the mosque hear about it.
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They'll all want a piece of me!
LAUGHTER
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RIAZ COUGHS
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That's much better, Riaz!
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Oh, my God!
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I know! He's good, isn't he?
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Robert Ruddy Redford,
eat your bloomin' heart out!
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HE COUGHS LOUDLY
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Papaji, he's choking!
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Do something!
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That's brilliant!
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RIAZ COUGHS LOUDLY
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LAUGHTER
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Thank you, Mr Khan.
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Right, very good, Riaz.
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This time, we'll record it, hm?
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LAUGHTER
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I'm sorry, that was the
last salted nut...
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Fine. We'll have to go with Plan B -
fire rescue.
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Pass me the petrol.
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LAUGHTER
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Sweetie? Shh!
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What are you doing?!
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You can't do that!
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That's one of the special glasses!
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LAUGHTER
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Use this one, much cheaper.
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LAUGHTER
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It's Shazia and Amjad.
They're arguing. Again!
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Sweetie, it's none of our business.
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She's really yelling at him.
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At Amjad? Really?
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HE LAUGHS
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LAUGHTER
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They never used to argue.
I'm worried something's wrong.
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Why should something be wrong?
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They're married. They shouldn't be
arguing and shouting
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at each other all the time.
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We argue. No.
LAUGHTER
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Yes, we do. We argue all the time.
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No. We argued this morning about who
didn't do the flush in the toilet!
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LAUGHTER
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That wasn't arguing.
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Well, it wasn't me!
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We don't argue, OK?
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We're very happy!
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LAUGHTER
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You're right.
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If only they were more like us, huh?
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Come on, let's watch telly.
Border Control's on.
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One of your cousins might be on it.
Again.
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LAUGHTER
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They've just had a new baby.
It can be a very stressful time.
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The feeding, the crying,
the sleepless nights.
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You remember what it was like
when we had Shazia!
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HE SIGHS Yes, it was very hard.
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You slept in the spare room.
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And the mattress
in there was very hard.
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LAUGHTER
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00:04:03,080 --> 00:04:05,060
It's tough enough being newlyweds,
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getting used to each other's
little habits.
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What habits?
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You remember, when we were
first married
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and we lived in that bedsit.
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And there was beard hair
all over the sink.
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It was disgusting!
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Yes, it was.
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But I still loved you, my darling.
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LAUGHTER
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It can put a strain on any
relationship.
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Even with you know...
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What?
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You know...
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Tang tang!
LAUGHTER
126
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Is that what all the noise is?
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You shouldn't be listening to that,
sweetie, it's not right!
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They're not doing it now, you idiot.
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Maybe they're not doing it at all!
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That could be part of the problem.
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Well, they must have done it
at least once
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or where did baby Mohammad come from?
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LAUGHTER
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Maybe they need to go away.
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Just the two of them together.
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You know, rekindle the romance.
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Not that you'd know anything
about that.
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Rubbish!
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GROANING
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LAUGHTER
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This is serious.
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Mrs Akram's daughter had a baby
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and within a year her husband had
run away with the estate agent.
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And she and her baby moved
back in with her parents!
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SHOUTING: What?!
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LAUGHTER
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I can't hear anything.
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It's gone quiet.
Maybe they're making up.
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SHAZIA: I can't find the spare
nappies, have you got them?
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Wow! These glasses are amazing.
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It sounds like they're
in the next room!
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LAUGHTER
153
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What are you doing?
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LAUGHTER
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And that's how you tell
if the wallpaper's coming away.
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LAUGHTER
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Mum, I'll put Mo in his travel cot.
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He's been fed, and I've
just changed his nappy.
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And all his stuff's in the bag.
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BABY GURGLES
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Amjad, you forgot the nappies.
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I thought you were getting
the nappies!
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No! That was one of your jobs.
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I can't do everything,
can I, budhoo?
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And I can't do anything,
can I, ladoo?
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LAUGHTER
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Oh, it's nice of you to come over.
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It's nice to do things
together, isn't it?
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SHOUTING: Nappies, budhoo!
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SHOUTING: I'll get them
in a minute, ladoo!
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Like shouting.
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LAUGHTER
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So, Amjad, are you
and Shazia managing to
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find some time together?
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Not really.
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It's all about baby Mo now.
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We don't get a minute to ourselves.
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Not even 30 seconds?
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LAUGHTER
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What?
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10 seconds?
Even I can manage 10 seconds.
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LAUGHTER
183
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Beti, it's your anniversary today.
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Why don't you and Amjad leave
baby Mo with us
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and go off by yourselves somewhere
for a couple of days?
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What for?
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You know, to spend some time
together, be romantic.
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You remember romantic, don't you?
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BOTH: Yes.
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LAUGHTER
But those days are over.
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Why don't you try
experimenting a bit?
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What?
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You know, mix it up a little.
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Me and your mother do it
all the time!
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LAUGHTER
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What? Oh, yes!
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Last night, I washed and she dried!
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LAUGHTER
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Oh, right!
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SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
201
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Well, we've got other
priorities now, haven't we?
202
00:07:14,076 --> 00:07:17,056
Yes. And I've got an important
meeting at the office today.
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That's what counts.
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You get to work.
I'll get the nappies.
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Don't worry, sweetie.
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Every marriage has its little
ups and downs.
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It all turns out
fine in the end.
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Look at me and you!
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Ha!
LAUGHTER
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I'm never getting married.
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HE CHUCKLES
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That's my girl!
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LAUGHTER
214
00:07:44,052 --> 00:07:47,024
MIMICS TANNOY: Ding dong!
Pakistani International Airlines,
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flight 786...
LAUGHTER
216
00:07:49,072 --> 00:07:52,016
approaching the runway
at the luxurious
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Mr Khan Community Leader Airport!
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LAUGHTER
219
00:07:55,068 --> 00:07:56,092
Another spoon?
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Good boy!
221
00:07:58,040 --> 00:08:01,000
You like doing things again
and again, don't you?
222
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Unlike your parents.
223
00:08:02,028 --> 00:08:03,032
LAUGHTER
224
00:08:04,044 --> 00:08:05,068
What are you doing?
225
00:08:05,068 --> 00:08:07,056
I'm getting ready for
my TV audition.
226
00:08:07,056 --> 00:08:11,056
What? There's a new reality TV show
being filmed in Birmingham.
227
00:08:11,056 --> 00:08:13,020
I'm going to get on it! Sweetie!
228
00:08:13,020 --> 00:08:15,072
She might turn out like that famous
Pakistani Muslim woman
229
00:08:15,072 --> 00:08:17,024
that Alia was telling me about.
230
00:08:17,024 --> 00:08:19,004
What was her name, beti?
231
00:08:19,004 --> 00:08:20,060
IN SHEEPISH VOICE: Kim Kardashian.
232
00:08:20,060 --> 00:08:21,088
LAUGHTER
233
00:08:23,088 --> 00:08:25,080
She's not Pakistani!
234
00:08:25,080 --> 00:08:27,092
Yes, she is! Alia said so.
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She's brown and she's married
to a Khan.
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LAUGHTER
237
00:08:32,084 --> 00:08:34,016
Kanye!
238
00:08:34,016 --> 00:08:35,020
Khan, yeah!
239
00:08:35,020 --> 00:08:36,024
LAUGHTER
240
00:08:37,072 --> 00:08:39,060
Can you give me a lift, Papaji?
241
00:08:39,060 --> 00:08:43,040
I'd love to, beti, but I've got to
finish off my Birmingham Pride video.
242
00:08:43,040 --> 00:08:44,076
And you're OK with that?
243
00:08:44,076 --> 00:08:47,016
Well, I'm not entirely
happy with it,
244
00:08:47,016 --> 00:08:49,048
but you know what
your father's like.
245
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I'm finding out.
246
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LAUGHTER
247
00:08:51,076 --> 00:08:53,060
I'll deal with you later.
248
00:08:53,060 --> 00:08:56,012
You've got to talk to Amjad,
man to man.
249
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Find out what's going on.
250
00:08:57,056 --> 00:08:59,008
No bloomin' way!
251
00:08:59,008 --> 00:09:01,020
He's an only child, remember?
252
00:09:01,020 --> 00:09:03,012
Well, there you go.
It runs in the family.
253
00:09:03,012 --> 00:09:04,020
What?
254
00:09:04,020 --> 00:09:06,032
Well, Mr Malik doesn't like the
tang tang either.
255
00:09:06,032 --> 00:09:07,036
LAUGHTER
256
00:09:09,012 --> 00:09:11,020
Just talk to him!
257
00:09:11,020 --> 00:09:13,040
Sweetie, the only tang tang
conversation
258
00:09:13,040 --> 00:09:14,096
between a man and his son-in-law
259
00:09:14,096 --> 00:09:17,024
is the one that I had with
your father!
260
00:09:17,024 --> 00:09:19,088
And if he had his way, we'd
have no children
261
00:09:19,088 --> 00:09:22,052
and I'd be carrying my down-belows
in a jar of mango pickle!
262
00:09:22,052 --> 00:09:24,024
LAUGHTER
263
00:09:28,036 --> 00:09:31,084
Well, in that case,
there's nothing else for it.
264
00:09:31,084 --> 00:09:33,064
This is what we have to do.
265
00:09:33,064 --> 00:09:35,044
Jesus, Mary and Jawed!
266
00:09:35,044 --> 00:09:37,036
LAUGHTER
267
00:09:37,036 --> 00:09:39,024
Have you laundered that money?
268
00:09:39,024 --> 00:09:40,028
LAUGHTER
269
00:09:43,004 --> 00:09:44,092
I've been hiding it from you.
270
00:09:44,092 --> 00:09:47,088
This is ?200 for Amjad and Shazia.
271
00:09:47,088 --> 00:09:51,068
We use it to buy them a relaxing
night away for their anniversary.
272
00:09:51,068 --> 00:09:53,000
That's what they need.
273
00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:55,072
Why not save ?100
and just send one of them away?
274
00:09:55,072 --> 00:09:57,028
LAUGHTER
275
00:09:57,028 --> 00:09:59,268
They'll both have a relaxing night,
away from each other!
276
00:10:01,048 --> 00:10:04,056
I am trying to save their marriage!
277
00:10:04,056 --> 00:10:05,072
Fine.
278
00:10:05,072 --> 00:10:08,004
I'll go and see old
Majid at the travel agents.
279
00:10:08,004 --> 00:10:11,044
He's always selling luxury
weekend breaks around Britain.
280
00:10:11,044 --> 00:10:14,000
Last week, he had a special
deal to Wigan.
281
00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:15,004
LAUGHTER
282
00:10:16,028 --> 00:10:18,016
It needs to be romantic.
283
00:10:18,016 --> 00:10:19,028
You're right.
284
00:10:19,028 --> 00:10:20,072
Wigan and a bunch of flowers?
285
00:10:20,072 --> 00:10:22,060
LAUGHTER
286
00:10:22,060 --> 00:10:23,080
Come on, puttar.
287
00:10:23,080 --> 00:10:25,032
One more.
288
00:10:25,032 --> 00:10:26,076
FARTING NOISE
289
00:10:26,076 --> 00:10:27,096
LAUGHTER
290
00:10:30,020 --> 00:10:33,000
Awh, you're a naughty little monkey,
aren't you?
291
00:10:34,064 --> 00:10:35,084
That wasn't him.
292
00:10:35,084 --> 00:10:36,088
LAUGHTER
293
00:10:40,072 --> 00:10:43,008
See you later! Stop!
294
00:10:43,008 --> 00:10:45,056
I need you to stay at home
and look after baby Mo.
295
00:10:45,056 --> 00:10:48,012
Oh, what? Why me?
296
00:10:48,012 --> 00:10:51,040
Because Shazia and Amjad are busy,
I've got to go to work.
297
00:10:51,040 --> 00:10:54,060
Now, he'll need feeding
and he'll need to sleep, OK?
298
00:10:54,060 --> 00:10:56,096
Sweetie, don't fuss,
I'll be fine for a couple of hours.
299
00:10:56,096 --> 00:10:58,064
LAUGHTER
300
00:10:58,064 --> 00:11:00,020
Not you!
301
00:11:00,020 --> 00:11:03,028
You have to drop me off at work and
then go to the travel agents.
302
00:11:03,028 --> 00:11:04,088
But...
HE SPLUTTERS
303
00:11:04,088 --> 00:11:05,092
HE SIGHS
304
00:11:05,092 --> 00:11:08,028
OK, fine. I'm coming out.
305
00:11:08,028 --> 00:11:09,048
You can say that again.
306
00:11:09,048 --> 00:11:10,052
LAUGHTER
307
00:11:17,080 --> 00:11:20,080
You do realise that once I've
won my Pride of Birmingham award,
308
00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:23,044
I won't be dropping you off at this
silly supermarket any more?
309
00:11:23,044 --> 00:11:25,088
Just make sure you book
their weekend away. Yes, yes.
310
00:11:25,088 --> 00:11:28,064
And you can't park there!
This is for parent and child only.
311
00:11:28,064 --> 00:11:31,056
Don't worry, darling.
I've already thought of that one.
312
00:11:31,056 --> 00:11:33,080
Here we are. Ah!
313
00:11:33,080 --> 00:11:37,036
You worry too much. Leave it to me,
I know what I'm doing.
314
00:11:37,036 --> 00:11:39,012
Feet for dancing, head for thinking.
315
00:11:39,012 --> 00:11:41,020
How many times
have I got to tell you?
316
00:11:42,036 --> 00:11:43,064
There you are!
317
00:11:43,064 --> 00:11:44,080
Right.
318
00:11:48,048 --> 00:11:49,052
KHAN HUMS
319
00:11:52,004 --> 00:11:53,036
What?
320
00:11:56,028 --> 00:11:57,088
Hang on!
321
00:11:57,088 --> 00:11:59,060
Oh, twaddi!
322
00:12:00,088 --> 00:12:03,016
Get out the way! Oh, twaddi!
323
00:12:05,032 --> 00:12:06,084
Oh, twaddi! Hey!
324
00:12:06,084 --> 00:12:08,064
What are you doing?
325
00:12:09,072 --> 00:12:10,084
Oh, God!
326
00:12:12,016 --> 00:12:13,084
Get my...
327
00:12:13,084 --> 00:12:17,096
Baldy! Get my car down!
What are you doing?
328
00:12:17,096 --> 00:12:19,068
Get my Mercedes down!
329
00:12:19,068 --> 00:12:22,032
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
Huh? Oh, God! Oh!
330
00:12:22,032 --> 00:12:24,068
BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY RINGTONE
331
00:12:27,048 --> 00:12:29,060
Hello, Mr Khan speaking.
332
00:12:29,060 --> 00:12:31,020
Oh, hello, sweetie.
333
00:12:31,020 --> 00:12:34,000
Yes, I'll go to the travel
agents as soon as I can.
334
00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:36,048
Don't worry. I won't hang about.
335
00:12:36,048 --> 00:12:37,060
OK!
336
00:12:37,060 --> 00:12:39,076
Ah! Oh, God!
337
00:12:39,076 --> 00:12:41,032
Oh, twaddi!
338
00:12:41,032 --> 00:12:43,036
Oh, God!
339
00:12:55,080 --> 00:12:57,016
What do you think you're doing?
340
00:12:57,016 --> 00:12:59,044
What the blooming twaddi
do you think you're doing?
341
00:12:59,044 --> 00:13:02,068
I'm Mr Khan, community leader.
Get my Mercedes off this thing!
342
00:13:02,068 --> 00:13:05,056
I'm sorry, sir, you were
parked in a parent and child spot.
343
00:13:05,056 --> 00:13:08,028
You don't have a child.
Yes, I do. Look.
344
00:13:10,060 --> 00:13:12,016
That's a doll.
345
00:13:12,016 --> 00:13:13,032
How dare you.
346
00:13:13,032 --> 00:13:14,036
He's sleeping.
347
00:13:15,040 --> 00:13:16,084
He's only got one arm.
348
00:13:16,084 --> 00:13:20,016
Exactly, I could've parked
in the disabled space too.
349
00:13:20,016 --> 00:13:23,052
Look, I'm taking the vehicle
to the pound in Dudley.
350
00:13:23,052 --> 00:13:26,028
You'll have to retrieve it
from there. I can't go to Dudley.
351
00:13:26,028 --> 00:13:28,048
Why not? I haven't had my jabs!
352
00:13:28,048 --> 00:13:30,084
Then you'll
have to pay the release fee.
353
00:13:30,084 --> 00:13:32,036
?200. What?
354
00:13:32,036 --> 00:13:35,072
?200? I haven't got ?200.
355
00:13:35,072 --> 00:13:37,084
That looks like ?200 to me.
356
00:13:39,080 --> 00:13:41,080
It is. You could use that.
357
00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:45,036
No, that's for my daughter, you see?
358
00:13:45,036 --> 00:13:48,028
She's having marriage problems,
so we're booking her a hotel room.
359
00:13:48,028 --> 00:13:51,096
Old Majid's going to sort
her out. Bish, bosh.
360
00:13:51,096 --> 00:13:53,096
Look, you have two options,
361
00:13:53,096 --> 00:13:56,076
either I take the car to the pound,
or you pay the fine.
362
00:13:56,076 --> 00:13:59,008
There is a third option,
I stay sitting here
363
00:13:59,008 --> 00:14:00,084
and you can't tow me away.
364
00:14:00,084 --> 00:14:03,028
Fine. I can wait all day, mate.
365
00:14:03,028 --> 00:14:05,072
But at some point
you'll need the loo.
366
00:14:05,072 --> 00:14:08,092
I can hold it in.
I've been on Pakistani trains.
367
00:14:08,092 --> 00:14:10,088
Don't they have toilets?
368
00:14:10,088 --> 00:14:12,080
Not if you're sat on the roof.
369
00:14:15,004 --> 00:14:16,020
Nah!
370
00:14:22,040 --> 00:14:25,080
It's taken dedication to get
to this point in my career.
371
00:14:25,080 --> 00:14:27,024
Really? Yeah.
372
00:14:27,024 --> 00:14:29,084
Do you know how long it takes
to do these nails?
373
00:14:31,040 --> 00:14:34,072
I hope we get noticed.
You will. You totally stand out.
374
00:14:34,072 --> 00:14:36,064
Really? Cos I'm the fittest?
375
00:14:36,064 --> 00:14:38,096
No, you're the only one
with a baby.
376
00:14:38,096 --> 00:14:40,040
BABY CRIES
377
00:14:42,036 --> 00:14:44,016
Why do people have kids anyway?
378
00:14:44,016 --> 00:14:46,056
Angelina Jolie collects them
in all kinds of colours,
379
00:14:46,056 --> 00:14:48,000
so they must be cool.
380
00:14:48,000 --> 00:14:50,032
Yeah, but she's got people to
look after hers.
381
00:14:50,032 --> 00:14:51,076
She hardly gets to see them.
382
00:14:51,076 --> 00:14:53,036
That's brilliant.
383
00:14:53,036 --> 00:14:55,048
Here, you hold him. How come?
384
00:14:55,048 --> 00:14:57,048
Goes better with your outfit.
385
00:15:03,072 --> 00:15:07,080
Salaam aleikum, Mr Khan.
Waleikum salam, Riaz. Hello, Dave.
386
00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:09,060
What are you doing up there?
387
00:15:09,060 --> 00:15:13,032
I'm selling ice creams!
What does it look like I am doing?
388
00:15:13,032 --> 00:15:14,088
Got any Magnums?
389
00:15:16,024 --> 00:15:19,012
What? Of course
I've not got any Magnums!
390
00:15:19,012 --> 00:15:21,036
Oh. What about strawberry twisters?
391
00:15:22,072 --> 00:15:25,056
Riaz, would you stop talking about
food? I haven't eaten for hours.
392
00:15:25,056 --> 00:15:26,072
CARS BEEPING
393
00:15:26,072 --> 00:15:28,060
Mr Khan, you're causing
an obstruction.
394
00:15:28,060 --> 00:15:31,032
You could get arrested. I really
think you should be careful.
395
00:15:31,032 --> 00:15:34,028
I really think you should be brown,
so now we're even.
396
00:15:34,028 --> 00:15:37,004
BEEPING
Come on, Mr Khan, come down.
397
00:15:37,004 --> 00:15:38,080
No, thank you. I'm staying put.
398
00:15:38,080 --> 00:15:40,016
If I get out of here,
399
00:15:40,016 --> 00:15:42,024
Dr Evil over there is going to
take my car!
400
00:15:42,024 --> 00:15:44,012
Hey, clampaigner!
401
00:15:44,012 --> 00:15:45,080
How about a selfie?
402
00:15:47,008 --> 00:15:50,096
You see, Dave? I'm Mr Khan,
community leader. They all know me.
403
00:15:50,096 --> 00:15:53,036
Hey, you're trending!
404
00:15:53,036 --> 00:15:56,000
Hashtag clampaigner!
405
00:15:56,000 --> 00:15:58,064
Mr Khan, your face is all
over the internet.
406
00:15:58,064 --> 00:16:02,000
Is it? Look, come down before
it gets any worse.
407
00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:03,052
Don't you see, Dave?
408
00:16:03,052 --> 00:16:06,048
This is my chance to achieve
something important.
409
00:16:06,048 --> 00:16:09,060
You mean standing up against
oppressive parking regulations?
410
00:16:09,060 --> 00:16:12,020
I mean getting a
Birmingham Pride award.
411
00:16:12,020 --> 00:16:15,064
Man of the people, isn't it?
I'm like Trevor Nelson Mandela.
412
00:16:17,084 --> 00:16:20,080
So, peeps, the next time you'll
see me will be on your TV.
413
00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:23,000
And remember, hashtag hijabibabe.
414
00:16:26,004 --> 00:16:27,064
The show starts in 40 minutes,
415
00:16:27,064 --> 00:16:29,092
so just make it happen,
OK? Thanks, bye.
416
00:16:29,092 --> 00:16:31,028
Hiya.
417
00:16:31,028 --> 00:16:33,044
Hello. What time we on camera?
418
00:16:33,044 --> 00:16:36,008
I'm sorry, we've got all the people
that we need for today,
419
00:16:36,008 --> 00:16:39,004
but maybe if you leave us your
details we'll be in touch next time.
420
00:16:39,004 --> 00:16:40,060
What? I couldn't find any nappies,
421
00:16:40,060 --> 00:16:43,072
so I just tied some paper towels
together with loo rolls.
422
00:16:43,072 --> 00:16:45,016
Oops.
423
00:16:45,016 --> 00:16:46,056
Go away! OK.
424
00:16:46,056 --> 00:16:49,048
Hold on, is this your baby?
Isn't he lovely!
425
00:16:49,048 --> 00:16:50,088
Yeah, whatevs. Listen!
426
00:16:50,088 --> 00:16:54,044
I have done my nails and everything.
You know, I'm a Muslim, hijab,
427
00:16:54,044 --> 00:16:56,080
flavour of the month, innit?
428
00:16:56,080 --> 00:16:58,084
You know, there could be
something in this.
429
00:16:58,084 --> 00:17:00,024
The director loves a baby!
430
00:17:00,024 --> 00:17:04,080
Brilliant. Get off it! It's mine.
It's my baby.
431
00:17:11,012 --> 00:17:13,020
This is Mr Khan speaking.
432
00:17:13,020 --> 00:17:15,028
We shall fight them at the beaches.
433
00:17:15,028 --> 00:17:17,084
Beaches? In Birmingham?
434
00:17:17,084 --> 00:17:19,020
All right, Dave.
435
00:17:19,020 --> 00:17:21,048
We'll fight them at the Bull Ring!
Yes!
436
00:17:21,048 --> 00:17:24,048
We shall fight them at the
drive-thru Costa. Yes!
437
00:17:24,048 --> 00:17:26,088
Nothing can stand in my way.
438
00:17:26,088 --> 00:17:29,020
No-one can stop me now. Oi!
439
00:17:29,020 --> 00:17:30,040
Oh, twaddi!
440
00:17:32,040 --> 00:17:34,020
Oi!
441
00:17:34,020 --> 00:17:35,024
Oi!
442
00:17:36,084 --> 00:17:38,068
Oh, hello, sweetie.
443
00:17:38,068 --> 00:17:40,040
I didn't see you there.
444
00:17:40,040 --> 00:17:43,052
You are supposed to be saving
Shazia and Amjad's marriage!
445
00:17:43,052 --> 00:17:46,080
Sweetie, this isn't about them.
446
00:17:46,080 --> 00:17:50,080
This isn't about me,
this isn't even about you.
447
00:17:50,080 --> 00:17:54,004
This is about standing
up for the little people.
448
00:17:54,004 --> 00:17:56,044
All right, maybe it's
a little bit about you.
449
00:17:56,044 --> 00:17:59,036
What if the police turn up,
what then?
450
00:17:59,036 --> 00:18:01,052
Don't be a silly-billy, my darling.
451
00:18:01,052 --> 00:18:04,044
The police aren't going to be
bothered with something like this.
452
00:18:04,044 --> 00:18:06,036
POLICE SIREN
The police are here.
453
00:18:08,056 --> 00:18:11,028
Oh, twaddi. Just get out of the car
and come down.
454
00:18:11,028 --> 00:18:14,004
I really think you should
do as Mrs Khan says. No.
455
00:18:14,004 --> 00:18:15,032
But you could be arrested.
456
00:18:15,032 --> 00:18:17,044
Aren't you worried? Nope. Why not?
457
00:18:17,044 --> 00:18:19,048
Because I've just seen
who they've sent.
458
00:18:19,048 --> 00:18:20,084
Hello, sir.
459
00:18:20,084 --> 00:18:22,044
Officer Dibble.
460
00:18:24,056 --> 00:18:27,088
Please, just try and talk
some sense into this idiot.
461
00:18:27,088 --> 00:18:30,024
OK, sweetie. I'll do my best.
462
00:18:35,028 --> 00:18:37,028
How long have you been
up here, sir?
463
00:18:37,028 --> 00:18:38,048
Nearly five hours
464
00:18:38,048 --> 00:18:40,056
and I'll be here all night
if I have to.
465
00:18:40,056 --> 00:18:42,092
If I keep this up I'll get
my Pride Of Birmingham award
466
00:18:42,092 --> 00:18:46,016
and I'll be Birmingham's biggest hero
since Bob blooming Carolgees
467
00:18:46,016 --> 00:18:47,092
and Spit the blooming dog!
468
00:18:47,092 --> 00:18:49,020
KHAN SPITS
469
00:18:51,028 --> 00:18:54,028
Only the thing is, sir,
is they've asked me to arrest you
470
00:18:54,028 --> 00:18:57,028
and I told Shazia I'd pick her up
after her interview.
471
00:18:57,028 --> 00:19:00,088
Amjad, this is a point of principle.
It's daylight robbery.
472
00:19:00,088 --> 00:19:03,036
I mean, who has ?200
lying about the place?
473
00:19:03,036 --> 00:19:05,000
That looks like ?200.
474
00:19:05,000 --> 00:19:08,016
Give that to me!
That's for something else! What?
475
00:19:08,016 --> 00:19:10,056
Mrs Khan wants
me to go to the travel agent.
476
00:19:10,056 --> 00:19:12,068
Majid's travel agent? Ah.
477
00:19:12,068 --> 00:19:16,000
You better hurry up, then.
It closes in 15 minutes.
478
00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:17,020
Oi!
479
00:19:17,020 --> 00:19:19,016
What the hell are you doing?
480
00:19:20,088 --> 00:19:21,092
Hai!
481
00:19:24,036 --> 00:19:26,008
Is everything OK, sir?
482
00:19:26,008 --> 00:19:30,052
Amjad, you know you can
talk to me about anything?
483
00:19:30,052 --> 00:19:32,072
Right. Anything at all.
484
00:19:32,072 --> 00:19:34,016
OK.
485
00:19:34,016 --> 00:19:37,028
So, is there anything
you want to discuss?
486
00:19:37,028 --> 00:19:39,032
Anything that's worrying you?
487
00:19:39,032 --> 00:19:41,016
Actually...
488
00:19:41,016 --> 00:19:42,044
there is.
489
00:19:44,096 --> 00:19:46,064
The other day... Mm.
490
00:19:46,064 --> 00:19:50,060
...I looked out of the window... Mm.
..and I saw a bird.
491
00:19:50,060 --> 00:19:52,060
I think it might have been an eagle.
492
00:19:52,060 --> 00:19:55,056
But why would there be an eagle
in Sparkhill?
493
00:19:55,056 --> 00:19:57,084
Not eagles, you idiot!
494
00:19:57,084 --> 00:19:59,024
What then?
495
00:19:59,024 --> 00:20:02,068
I want to talk to you about...
496
00:20:02,068 --> 00:20:03,072
cricket!
497
00:20:04,076 --> 00:20:06,096
Cricket? Yes, cricket.
498
00:20:06,096 --> 00:20:10,016
Now, cricket is
a bit like a marriage. Right.
499
00:20:10,016 --> 00:20:13,052
You get together
and you form a partnership.
500
00:20:13,052 --> 00:20:16,076
And at first you're... sneaking
plenty of...
501
00:20:16,076 --> 00:20:18,044
quick ones.
502
00:20:18,044 --> 00:20:20,052
Maybe even twos.
503
00:20:20,052 --> 00:20:24,076
And then you get a new delivery
that you weren't expecting
504
00:20:24,076 --> 00:20:30,008
and suddenly you stop scoring
and you get very frustrated.
505
00:20:30,008 --> 00:20:32,060
But then you get your timing back,
506
00:20:32,060 --> 00:20:35,032
you remember where all the gaps are,
507
00:20:35,032 --> 00:20:39,004
and before you know it, you're
spraying balls all over the place!
508
00:20:40,076 --> 00:20:43,032
Are you talking about tang-tang?
509
00:20:43,032 --> 00:20:45,084
Yes. With Shazia?
510
00:20:45,084 --> 00:20:48,052
Yes... We do that all the time.
511
00:20:48,052 --> 00:20:52,028
What? We're always doing it.
It's amazing! OK, thank you!
512
00:20:52,028 --> 00:20:56,036
In fact, I'd say we do it pretty
much every night. OK, that's enough.
513
00:20:56,036 --> 00:21:00,072
That's what I say, but Shazia
just... Stop it! I say that too!
514
00:21:07,052 --> 00:21:10,028
Well, Shazia,
you've certainly impressed me so far
515
00:21:10,028 --> 00:21:12,068
and I am not easily impressed.
Thank you.
516
00:21:12,068 --> 00:21:16,012
You don't get salesperson of the
month as often as I have
517
00:21:16,012 --> 00:21:17,096
by being easily impressed.
518
00:21:17,096 --> 00:21:20,028
How many times have you been
salesperson of the month?
519
00:21:20,028 --> 00:21:22,008
Oh, no idea!
520
00:21:22,008 --> 00:21:24,052
I don't keep track
of details like that!
521
00:21:24,052 --> 00:21:25,096
SHE LAUGHS
522
00:21:27,060 --> 00:21:28,072
12. Wow!
523
00:21:29,072 --> 00:21:33,020
Can I ask what attracted you to
this position on my team?
524
00:21:33,020 --> 00:21:36,000
Well, I think
it fits my skill set really well,
525
00:21:36,000 --> 00:21:38,024
and I'm keen to progress my career.
526
00:21:38,024 --> 00:21:42,088
Mm. So you should be, you are
a very impressive candidate.
527
00:21:42,088 --> 00:21:45,008
I also need to be
progressing on the salary scale,
528
00:21:45,008 --> 00:21:48,036
because I'm the main breadwinner in
the family. Oh, I see.
529
00:21:48,036 --> 00:21:51,076
Partner not up to much?
Bit of a dimwit, is he?
530
00:21:51,076 --> 00:21:55,044
No, no, it's just I don't want him
to compromise his dream
531
00:21:55,044 --> 00:21:58,024
by giving up
his PCSO police training.
532
00:21:58,024 --> 00:22:00,004
He does sound like a dimwit.
533
00:22:01,040 --> 00:22:04,028
Don't worry.
My husband was an idiot too.
534
00:22:04,028 --> 00:22:05,084
That's why I divorced him.
535
00:22:05,084 --> 00:22:07,052
We're very happy.
536
00:22:07,052 --> 00:22:10,068
I just want to provide
a more secure future for our family.
537
00:22:10,068 --> 00:22:15,092
I totally get it. Family is
absolutely the most important thing.
538
00:22:15,092 --> 00:22:17,060
Do you have children? Yes.
539
00:22:17,060 --> 00:22:20,044
And do you see a lot of them?
Of course, I see them every day!
540
00:22:20,044 --> 00:22:21,048
Look!
541
00:22:24,044 --> 00:22:26,024
Oh. I meant...
542
00:22:26,024 --> 00:22:28,036
Oh, you mean in real life?
543
00:22:28,036 --> 00:22:30,028
God, no!
544
00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:39,076
So, this is fun.
545
00:22:39,076 --> 00:22:42,012
We're just like cop buddies, huh?
546
00:22:42,012 --> 00:22:44,088
Ooh, which ones? Turner and Hooch.
547
00:22:46,020 --> 00:22:48,024
Which one am I? You're the dog.
548
00:22:48,024 --> 00:22:50,016
MESSAGE ALERT
549
00:22:54,068 --> 00:22:56,036
Shazia's got a new job.
550
00:22:56,036 --> 00:22:58,008
Great. You must be delighted.
551
00:22:58,008 --> 00:22:59,064
Yes...
552
00:22:59,064 --> 00:23:03,008
It just means she'll be spending
a lot of time away from home.
553
00:23:03,008 --> 00:23:04,168
Great. You must be delighted.
554
00:23:06,000 --> 00:23:09,032
She's only taking the job so we can
afford to have more children.
555
00:23:09,032 --> 00:23:12,016
That's why we are having
all the... Yes, yes!
556
00:23:12,016 --> 00:23:14,080
I wish it was me
getting the promotion.
557
00:23:14,080 --> 00:23:16,068
I've always wanted to be
a policeman,
558
00:23:16,068 --> 00:23:18,084
ever since I watched that TV show
when I was young,
559
00:23:18,084 --> 00:23:21,028
all about police procedure.
Top Cat?
560
00:23:22,056 --> 00:23:24,032
Yes, that's the one.
561
00:23:24,032 --> 00:23:26,080
I've been a PSCO for a year now
562
00:23:26,080 --> 00:23:31,012
and not once have they mentioned me
becoming an actual police officer.
563
00:23:31,012 --> 00:23:34,064
If I could get a proper job
with career opportunities,
564
00:23:34,064 --> 00:23:39,016
Shazia wouldn't need to take her job
and be away from me and baby Mo.
565
00:23:40,064 --> 00:23:42,028
I'm going to miss her so much.
566
00:23:42,028 --> 00:23:44,004
CHEERING IN BACKGROUND
567
00:23:46,032 --> 00:23:47,068
Yay, go...
568
00:23:50,060 --> 00:23:51,084
Look, Amjad,
569
00:23:51,084 --> 00:23:54,024
if you could pull off the arrest
570
00:23:54,024 --> 00:23:56,056
of a dangerous, determined
571
00:23:56,056 --> 00:23:59,088
but rather dashing local desperado,
572
00:23:59,088 --> 00:24:03,032
do you think that would help you
become a proper policeman?
573
00:24:03,032 --> 00:24:04,080
Definitely!
574
00:24:04,080 --> 00:24:07,052
But where would I find
someone like that?
575
00:24:07,052 --> 00:24:09,012
It's me, you idiot.
576
00:24:09,012 --> 00:24:10,076
You're going to arrest me.
577
00:24:10,076 --> 00:24:12,020
And then you'll be a hero.
578
00:24:13,072 --> 00:24:15,020
Oh!
579
00:24:15,020 --> 00:24:17,084
Oh, thank you, sir. Right, Amjad.
580
00:24:17,084 --> 00:24:20,036
Are you ready for your big moment?
Yes, sir.
581
00:24:20,036 --> 00:24:24,052
Now, just get out of the car
and try not to do anything stupid.
582
00:24:25,076 --> 00:24:26,096
Oh...
583
00:24:30,012 --> 00:24:32,020
KHAN STRAINS
584
00:24:37,060 --> 00:24:42,048
Mr Khan, I'm arresting you
for breach of the peace,
585
00:24:42,048 --> 00:24:46,012
trespass, and disorderly behaviour.
586
00:24:46,012 --> 00:24:49,020
It's OK, I'll come quietly.
587
00:24:49,020 --> 00:24:52,052
No road tax, no insurance...
588
00:24:52,052 --> 00:24:54,024
Amjad, don't be an idiot!
589
00:24:54,024 --> 00:24:56,076
...and abusive behaviour
and threatening behaviour!
590
00:24:56,076 --> 00:24:58,088
Right, that's enough.
591
00:24:58,088 --> 00:25:00,036
Agh!
592
00:25:01,096 --> 00:25:04,076
Do you feel lucky, punk?
Do you? Do you?!
593
00:25:04,076 --> 00:25:06,008
You're going down!
594
00:25:06,008 --> 00:25:08,000
PEPPER SPRAY Ah!
595
00:25:15,004 --> 00:25:20,052
I'm so happy for Amjad.
A proper full-time policeman.
596
00:25:20,052 --> 00:25:22,072
"I'm so happy for Amjad."
597
00:25:22,072 --> 00:25:25,028
Meh, meh, meh,
meh, meh, meh, meh, meh!
598
00:25:25,028 --> 00:25:29,044
He went to sleep straight away.
He must have had fun with you today.
599
00:25:29,044 --> 00:25:31,028
Yeah, we had a great time.
600
00:25:31,028 --> 00:25:32,088
He was really useful...
601
00:25:32,088 --> 00:25:34,092
I mean, well behaved.
602
00:25:34,092 --> 00:25:37,036
I'm so excited for our
anniversary trip.
603
00:25:37,036 --> 00:25:40,060
What's the hotel like, Dad?
Only the best for you, Shazia.
604
00:25:40,060 --> 00:25:43,020
It's one where all the
A-list celebrities stay.
605
00:25:43,020 --> 00:25:44,092
Really? Like who?
606
00:25:44,092 --> 00:25:46,056
Lenny Henry.
607
00:25:48,084 --> 00:25:50,028
It's a Premier Inn!
608
00:25:53,056 --> 00:25:54,080
Thanks, Dad.
609
00:25:54,080 --> 00:25:57,076
This is the best anniversary ever.
Ah...
610
00:25:59,012 --> 00:26:01,092
How are you feeling, sir?
How do you think I'm feeling?
611
00:26:01,092 --> 00:26:04,004
Is your mouth still hurting?
612
00:26:04,004 --> 00:26:06,012
I'm sorry about the pepper spray.
613
00:26:07,044 --> 00:26:09,080
I was just trying
to make it look more realistic,
614
00:26:09,080 --> 00:26:11,016
like the movies.
615
00:26:11,016 --> 00:26:13,052
Which movie? Death Wish?
616
00:26:13,052 --> 00:26:14,096
Don't worry about him.
617
00:26:14,096 --> 00:26:17,064
He's just upset about the
Pride Of Birmingham awards.
618
00:26:17,064 --> 00:26:18,092
Oh.
619
00:26:18,092 --> 00:26:20,044
Because Mr Sethi's getting one?
620
00:26:20,044 --> 00:26:24,012
Mr Sethi! But he's an Indian!
Why is he getting one?
621
00:26:24,012 --> 00:26:27,076
Rescuing Riaz from choking
on some salted peanuts.
622
00:26:30,016 --> 00:26:32,096
The devious, greedy... So, Amjad...
623
00:26:32,096 --> 00:26:37,012
when do you start your new job
as a full-time police officer?
624
00:26:37,012 --> 00:26:39,080
Next year.
I have to go on a course first.
625
00:26:39,080 --> 00:26:42,004
Is it an assault course?
626
00:26:42,004 --> 00:26:44,020
The important thing is now
627
00:26:44,020 --> 00:26:47,020
Amjad and Shazia can keep
trying for more babies!
628
00:26:47,020 --> 00:26:50,060
It makes me excited just
thinking about it.
629
00:26:50,060 --> 00:26:51,096
Me too!
630
00:26:54,032 --> 00:26:57,012
Talking of which,
we can't stay long.
631
00:26:57,012 --> 00:26:58,088
We need to get to the hotel,
632
00:26:58,088 --> 00:27:01,000
we're having an early night.
We're going to be...
633
00:27:01,000 --> 00:27:02,024
Amjad!
634
00:27:02,024 --> 00:27:03,060
Sorry.
635
00:27:03,060 --> 00:27:05,032
I mean...
636
00:27:05,032 --> 00:27:07,068
so we can play CRICKET.
637
00:27:10,044 --> 00:27:13,020
I'm just three away
from my CENTURY!
638
00:27:16,020 --> 00:27:18,036
You're a good father, Amjad.
639
00:27:18,036 --> 00:27:21,060
And you too!
You did the right thing.
640
00:27:21,060 --> 00:27:25,040
You look after Amjad just like
you do your own daughters.
641
00:27:25,040 --> 00:27:28,000
I know. We are good parents.
642
00:27:28,000 --> 00:27:30,076
Eh, come on, let's watch
Border Control.
643
00:27:30,076 --> 00:27:33,036
Let's see if we can spot Naani
smuggling rotten mangoes
644
00:27:33,036 --> 00:27:34,088
down her shalwar.
645
00:27:34,088 --> 00:27:36,040
We'd better get going.
646
00:27:36,040 --> 00:27:38,064
Are you sure you're OK
to have baby Mo?
647
00:27:38,064 --> 00:27:41,032
Yes, of course.
Alia is a baby expert now.
648
00:27:41,032 --> 00:27:42,092
Not really.
649
00:27:42,092 --> 00:27:44,076
You're a good girl, beti.
650
00:27:44,076 --> 00:27:46,080
You never give us any trouble, ah?
651
00:27:46,080 --> 00:27:48,048
TV PROGRAMME STARTS
652
00:27:49,068 --> 00:27:52,004
"And today we meet the Muslim girl
653
00:27:52,004 --> 00:27:55,000
"who defied her father to be
a single mum!"
654
00:27:55,000 --> 00:27:56,060
STUDIO AUDIENCE APPLAUDS
655
00:27:56,110 --> 00:28:00,660
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