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Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham,
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the capital of British Pakistan.
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They all know me.
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Do you like my suit?
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Number one...
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Salaam aleikum, peeps!
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Welcome to my vlog -
"Alia need to know".
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I'm getting some professional photos
done later, so I thought
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it would be a good chance to post
a quick make-up tutorial as well.
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Hello, beti!
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Oh, hi, Papaji.
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Are you laying another log?
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I'm posting a vlog.
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Exactly.
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It's about being a good Muslim
and going to the mosque
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and respecting your parents,
especially your father.
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Such a good girl.
Right, I'm off to the bathroom.
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Make sure no-one disturbs me, eh?
Yes, Papaji.
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So, I like to use this brush
to put on my eye make-up.
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I start by putting a bit
on the brush, then carefully...
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LOUD THROAT CLEARING
COMING FROM BATHROOM
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So you start from the side...
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MORE LOUD THROAT CLEARING
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So, you start...
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EXTENDED THROAT CLEARING
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Ah! That's got it.
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Listen,
don't take long getting ready.
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We need to make sure we get
the family photo over quickly.
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I want to get a load of pictures
of just me, Amjad and Baby Mo.
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Er, don't think so. I'm going
to get some head shots done,
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for, like,
if I want to be a model and that.
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Well, that's not happening.
Yes, it is.
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I've arranged it with Mum. Papaji!
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Alia wants to use Naani's photoshoot
to get loads of pictures of herself.
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Good idea. We can't get enough
pictures of the beautiful daughter.
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Thanks, Papaji.
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But I want to get some of just me,
Amjad and Baby Mo.
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All lying on the floor, in a line,
with our legs in the air.
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I think it'd look nice.
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I think you'd look like chickens
in a halal butcher's window.
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I need a strong, young man
to help me.
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I need a strong, young man
to help me.
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I can help you.
No, you can't. Why not?
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You've got a bad back. Yes, but...
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And a bad knee
and arthritis in your elbow.
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I'm still pretty fit, though.
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Haan, it's true, he is.
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You see - Naani thinks I'm fit.
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Oh, sorry, I thought you said fat.
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Ah, here he is.
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Hello, sir. Hello, Amjad.
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Vah! Look at those muscles!
How do you get so strong, beta?
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I do a lot of weights in the gym.
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Plus, diet is important.
I eat a lot of bananas.
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I'm just as strong as he is.
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Beta, can you help me
move this screen?
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Where shall I put this?
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Here, give it to me.
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Hai!
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What is it?
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My back's gone again! It's locked!
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Amjad, help him. OK.
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Be careful!
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Don't worry, sir. Community Support
Officers are trained in first aid.
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Just try and relax.
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OK, after three. OK.
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Three! Aargh!
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Aaaargh!
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Are you OK, sir? I'm fine!
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What the flippin' twaddi's
in this thing, anyway?
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It's for our family photos.
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I took a few things from the loft
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and I borrowed this
from the community centre.
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Naani wants the photos taken
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and we're going to have them done
properly in a studio this time.
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But I'm the man of the house,
I always take the family photos.
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Yeah, but we want them to look nice.
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I took all the ones
for Naani's 70th birthday.
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And she wasn't in any of them.
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I know. Perfect!
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He looks like an old man!
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You two look like an advert
for Pakistani PG Tips!
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Hiya. Hello, beti.
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That's not for the photo, is it?
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Haan, what do you think?
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I thought we were going to have
an all-white background.
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Make it look clean and modern.
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We don't want that pile
of dusty old tat in it.
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I agree,
but she is your grandmother.
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Where is my beautiful grandson?
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He's asleep in his pram in the hall.
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Please don't wake him up.
He's been so grumpy lately.
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We can't even get him to smile
at the moment.
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Every time I say anything,
he just growls.
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I know how he feels.
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Maybe he's teething.
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It's often painful
when they get new teeth, isn't it?
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Ah, I remember
when Naani got her new ones.
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She left them out
on the bathroom floor.
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Almost bit my bloomin' toe off!
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Do you think he'll smile
for the photo? I hope so.
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It's going to be so nice!
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We haven't had a proper family photo
with us and Naani and Baby Mo.
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Four generations all together.
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And who knows
when we'll get another chance?
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Some of us are getting on a bit.
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Oh, right.
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Not me!
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Oh, I must get Amjad
to put this blind up.
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I said I would do it.
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That was four months ago
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I'm a busy man.
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HE SLURPS
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Ahh!
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Beti, what's that?
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It's from the council,
for Baby Mo's school.
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We're putting his name down
for Woodfield School in Edgbaston.
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But he's only nine months old.
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You have to get their names
down early, Mum.
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It's the best school in Birmingham.
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Excellent.
They've got a very good cricket team.
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He'll end up playing for England!
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I thought you wanted him
to play for Pakistan.
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Beti! The England team
will all BE Pakistani by then.
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So, will he get in?
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I don't know.
They've got a huge waiting list.
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And we're not even
in the catchment area. Then move.
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We can't afford
to move to Edgbaston.
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Then lie. Cheat.
Steal someone else's place.
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This is what responsible parents do.
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Dad! Chup! You don't understand.
This is how the world works.
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Leave it to me. I'll sort it out.
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No.
I don't want you getting involved.
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If you try and cheat, they'll find
out and then he'll never get in.
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Everyone cheats. It's just,
we Pakistanis do it better.
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Please, Dad, don't...
Chup! I'm the king of this castle.
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Just stay out of it.
It's got nothing to do with you.
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Why doesn't anyone let me
do anything around here?
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I'll get Amjad to put the form in
and we'll keep our fingers crossed.
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Haan, Amjad will do it, just like
he's going to sort out my blind.
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Amjad!
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MOCKINGLY: Amjad! Amjad!
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I said I would do it!
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What are you doing? Get down.
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Stop fussing.
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Dad! Be careful!
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Take the nets down. Chup!
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Ahh!
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Oh, God. OK, it's OK, don't worry.
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HE MUTTERS
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There we go. Look, that's it.
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Now, this side...
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CRACKING Hai!
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Mera back!
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Oh, no! Amjad!
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What? No-o-o-o!
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Oh, my God!
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Did you want me for something?
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It's OK. Dad's sorted it.
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Mrs Khan made me get this
from the community centre
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and now Shazia's making me take it
back to the community centre.
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I don't know why
we have to go to all this trouble
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just for a photo, sir.
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Because it's for our wives, Amjad.
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We married men
have to support our wives
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in all their hopes and aspirations.
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If not... They'll feel
emotionally unfulfilled?
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They'll be like a foghorn in your ear
till the day you die.
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You've gathered so much wisdom
in your long life, sir.
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It's not that long.
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You're such a great role model
for younger people. That's true.
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Like I always say - if you do
as I do, you won't go far wrong.
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BOTH: Salaam aleikum, Mr Khan.
Waleikum assalam, Riaz.
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Hello, Dave.
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Salaam aleikum, Amjad.
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Hello, Dave.
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How's things at home?
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Not so good. My wife's
not an easy woman to live with.
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So people tell me.
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What's all this?
Oh, it's for later on.
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The council are using the hall
for a job interview.
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What's the job?
Noddy need new bus driver?
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There's a vacancy for a road patrol
and child safety officer
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in Edgbaston on Woodfield Lane.
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A road patrol and child safety
officer? That's right.
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Isn't that a lollipop man?
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They don't like to use
that sort of terminology these days.
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It's seen as trivialising what is, after
all, a very responsible position.
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Do you have to carry a lollipop?
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Yes.
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Lollipop! It's a funny word!
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It IS a funny word.
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Lollipop!
THEY BOTH GIGGLE
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00:09:00,750 --> 00:09:04,750
Imagine being a lollipop man.
What kind of loser would do that?
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THEY BOTH GIGGLE
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I would. What? I'm going to apply.
197
00:09:08,750 --> 00:09:11,750
What time are the interviews?
Later today, but...
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00:09:11,750 --> 00:09:13,750
Why do you want to be
a lollipop man, sir?
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00:09:13,750 --> 00:09:14,750
I don't. But you just said that...
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00:09:14,750 --> 00:09:16,750
You see, Amjad,
this is the difference
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00:09:16,750 --> 00:09:18,750
between me and the rest of you.
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00:09:18,750 --> 00:09:22,750
Dave here talks about
a lollipop man on Woodfield Road
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00:09:22,750 --> 00:09:25,750
and all you can do is giggle
about the word "lollipop".
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00:09:25,750 --> 00:09:28,750
HE LAUGHS Stop saying it!
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00:09:28,750 --> 00:09:31,750
Whereas I hear the word
"opportunity".
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00:09:31,750 --> 00:09:33,750
He didn't say "opportunity", did he?
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00:09:33,750 --> 00:09:35,750
Not literally, you idiot.
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00:09:36,750 --> 00:09:39,750
Look, think about it.
A lollipop man in Edgbaston.
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00:09:39,750 --> 00:09:41,750
Right... On Woodfield Road.
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00:09:41,750 --> 00:09:44,750
Right. And which school
is on Woodfield Road?
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00:09:44,750 --> 00:09:46,750
Woodfield School?
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So, whoever gets the job
will become the lollipop man for...
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Woodfield School!
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00:09:51,750 --> 00:09:52,750
There you go.
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00:09:52,750 --> 00:09:54,750
I still don't follow you. Ohh...
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00:09:54,750 --> 00:09:56,750
That's because
he hasn't got his lollipop yet!
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00:09:58,750 --> 00:09:59,750
Oh, right
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00:10:00,750 --> 00:10:03,750
Look, Amjad, we want Baby Mo
to get into Woodfield School, right?
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00:10:03,750 --> 00:10:05,750
Right.
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00:10:05,750 --> 00:10:07,750
So, I become the lollipop man,
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00:10:07,750 --> 00:10:11,750
do the mingling and the shingling
with the headmaster.
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00:10:11,750 --> 00:10:12,750
Hey presto!
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00:10:12,750 --> 00:10:14,750
Mr Khan's your grandad
and Baby Mo's got his place.
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00:10:14,750 --> 00:10:17,750
That's brilliant, sir!
Shazia's going to be so happy.
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00:10:17,750 --> 00:10:20,750
Oh, wait, she said
she didn't want you to get involved.
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00:10:20,750 --> 00:10:22,750
Then we won't tell her.
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00:10:22,750 --> 00:10:25,750
Once it's all sorted,
she'll be happy as Barry.
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00:10:25,750 --> 00:10:28,750
I don't know, sir.
It all sounds a bit dodgy.
229
00:10:28,750 --> 00:10:30,750
Amjad, there is nothing dodgy
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about a grown man hanging around
outside a school with a lollipop.
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DAVE CLEARS HIS THROAT
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00:10:36,750 --> 00:10:39,750
Hang on a minute. You can't be sure
you'll get the job.
233
00:10:39,750 --> 00:10:41,750
It's a lollipop man's job -
I think I'll be OK.
234
00:10:41,750 --> 00:10:44,750
Have you got any experience
of being a lollipop...
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00:10:44,750 --> 00:10:46,750
a road patrol
and child safety officer?
236
00:10:46,750 --> 00:10:48,750
I can cross the road.
237
00:10:48,750 --> 00:10:51,750
It's not just crossing the road.
There's a lot more to it.
238
00:10:51,750 --> 00:10:53,750
How do you know? I'm involved
in the interview process.
239
00:10:53,750 --> 00:10:55,750
As what? I'm the impartial observer.
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00:10:55,750 --> 00:10:59,750
I'm there to make sure the process
is completely fair and unbiased.
241
00:10:59,750 --> 00:11:01,750
Perfect! You can make sure I get it.
242
00:11:01,750 --> 00:11:05,750
Yeah, that's not really
how an impartial observer works.
243
00:11:05,750 --> 00:11:08,750
Well, it doesn't matter.
It's only a lollipop man's interview.
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00:11:08,750 --> 00:11:09,750
How hard can it be?
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00:11:09,750 --> 00:11:12,750
Especially for someone
as young and as fit as I am.
246
00:11:12,750 --> 00:11:15,750
If anything, I might be too young.
What do you mean?
247
00:11:15,750 --> 00:11:18,750
Well, usually, these lollipoppies
are oldies, aren't they?
248
00:11:18,750 --> 00:11:20,750
I hope they don't hold it against me.
249
00:11:20,750 --> 00:11:24,750
Ooh! You see? This is what
I was trying to tell you, Mr Khan.
250
00:11:24,750 --> 00:11:26,750
Nowadays, these jobs
are a lot more demanding.
251
00:11:26,750 --> 00:11:29,750
There's traffic management,
first aid.
252
00:11:29,750 --> 00:11:30,750
And the council has an obligation
253
00:11:30,750 --> 00:11:32,750
to make sure all candidates
are physically fit.
254
00:11:32,750 --> 00:11:34,750
I AM physically fit.
255
00:11:34,750 --> 00:11:36,750
What about your back?
Apart from that.
256
00:11:36,750 --> 00:11:38,750
And your knee, and your elbow...
Look!
257
00:11:38,750 --> 00:11:40,750
I might have a few aches and pains,
258
00:11:40,750 --> 00:11:42,750
but I think
I can get through an interview
259
00:11:42,750 --> 00:11:44,750
and a few questions
on the Highway Code.
260
00:11:44,750 --> 00:11:45,750
And a fitness test.
261
00:11:45,750 --> 00:11:47,750
Oh, twaddi!
262
00:11:49,750 --> 00:11:51,750
MUSIC: Rocky theme
263
00:12:06,750 --> 00:12:08,750
Steady... Go!
264
00:12:09,750 --> 00:12:11,750
You're doing it! Yes!
265
00:12:18,750 --> 00:12:19,750
SQUELCH!
266
00:12:24,750 --> 00:12:26,750
...49, 50.
267
00:12:30,750 --> 00:12:32,750
Baby Mohammad!
268
00:12:32,750 --> 00:12:34,750
CRACKING
Hai! Oh!
269
00:12:41,750 --> 00:12:43,750
This is how I do my hijab.
270
00:12:43,750 --> 00:12:45,750
BABY MO CRIES
271
00:12:45,750 --> 00:12:48,750
Oh, my days! What's going on?
272
00:12:48,750 --> 00:12:50,750
Mum and Naani
are trying to cheer him up.
273
00:12:50,750 --> 00:12:52,750
It's not working.
274
00:12:52,750 --> 00:12:55,750
Really? Maybe you shouldn't come
to the studio.
275
00:12:55,750 --> 00:12:57,750
Naani won't want pictures
of a miserable baby.
276
00:12:57,750 --> 00:13:00,750
Well, she doesn't want 500 versions
of you doing your pouty face either.
277
00:13:00,750 --> 00:13:03,750
I have to get my pictures done.
No way!
278
00:13:05,750 --> 00:13:07,750
We'll ask Naani. Fine.
279
00:13:07,750 --> 00:13:09,750
Naanijaan? Haan.
280
00:13:09,750 --> 00:13:13,750
Can I use the photoshoot to get
some pictures for my website? Haan.
281
00:13:13,750 --> 00:13:16,750
But I want to get some of just
me and Amjad with Baby Mohammad.
282
00:13:16,750 --> 00:13:19,750
SHE SPEAKS URDU
We can't both do it.
283
00:13:19,750 --> 00:13:21,750
You must have what you want.
284
00:13:21,750 --> 00:13:23,750
But then there won't be time
to do the big family photo.
285
00:13:23,750 --> 00:13:27,750
No matter. Don't you want to have
a picture with us all in? Haan.
286
00:13:27,750 --> 00:13:29,750
You with Baby Mo. Haan.
287
00:13:29,750 --> 00:13:31,750
Me and Alia. Haan.
288
00:13:31,750 --> 00:13:32,750
Mum. Haan.
289
00:13:32,750 --> 00:13:34,750
And Dad. Heh!
290
00:13:36,750 --> 00:13:38,750
As long as I have you young people.
291
00:13:38,750 --> 00:13:41,750
What about you, Naani?
You have to be in it.
292
00:13:41,750 --> 00:13:46,750
Nahin. Who wants to see a picture
of me with my old wrinkly face?
293
00:13:46,750 --> 00:13:47,750
BOTH: We do!
294
00:13:47,750 --> 00:13:51,750
And your face isn't wrinkly.
No. It's beautiful.
295
00:13:52,750 --> 00:13:54,750
You do your shots.
Forget about mine.
296
00:13:54,750 --> 00:13:57,750
No, you do yours. It's fine.
297
00:13:57,750 --> 00:14:00,750
Maybe if we're quick, we can do
them both. Yes. Definitely.
298
00:14:03,750 --> 00:14:05,750
So, is your vlog really popular?
299
00:14:05,750 --> 00:14:07,750
Some of it.
300
00:14:07,750 --> 00:14:12,750
I got 200 views for my make-up tips,
300 for my hijab tips,
301
00:14:12,750 --> 00:14:15,750
and 10,000 for the one where
Dad walks past in his underpants.
302
00:14:16,750 --> 00:14:18,750
NO SOUND FROM LAPTOP
303
00:14:26,750 --> 00:14:30,750
This is it, Amjad.
I'm fighting fit and raring to go.
304
00:14:31,750 --> 00:14:33,750
Riaz! What are you doing here?
305
00:14:33,750 --> 00:14:36,750
I'm here for the lollipop man job.
What? Why?
306
00:14:36,750 --> 00:14:39,750
You made it sound like
a very attractive career move.
307
00:14:39,750 --> 00:14:40,750
Not for you!
308
00:14:42,750 --> 00:14:44,750
Ohh!
309
00:14:44,750 --> 00:14:45,750
Ah!
310
00:14:45,750 --> 00:14:47,750
Look at those three blokes
over there.
311
00:14:47,750 --> 00:14:50,750
I'll make a better lollipop man
than any of them.
312
00:14:50,750 --> 00:14:52,750
Have you ever done
anything like this before, sir?
313
00:14:52,750 --> 00:14:54,750
Once, back in Pakistan.
314
00:14:54,750 --> 00:14:58,750
I used to drive the village bus.
I had a very good safety record.
315
00:14:58,750 --> 00:15:00,750
No accidents?
316
00:15:00,750 --> 00:15:02,750
No. Just one near miss.
317
00:15:02,750 --> 00:15:06,750
We were going along a very tricky
dirt road in Rawalpindi.
318
00:15:06,750 --> 00:15:11,750
It was very hot and dusty.
Visibility was down to a few metres.
319
00:15:11,750 --> 00:15:14,750
Suddenly, we turned a corner
and I was faced with a low bridge.
320
00:15:14,750 --> 00:15:15,750
Oh, no!
321
00:15:15,750 --> 00:15:19,750
It was too late to turn back, so
I put my foot down and went for it.
322
00:15:19,750 --> 00:15:20,750
What happened?
323
00:15:20,750 --> 00:15:23,750
We made it,
with just a few inches to spare!
324
00:15:23,750 --> 00:15:25,750
So, everyone was OK?
325
00:15:25,750 --> 00:15:26,750
Yes.
326
00:15:26,750 --> 00:15:28,750
Apart from the ones on the roof.
327
00:15:29,750 --> 00:15:31,750
What?
328
00:15:31,750 --> 00:15:34,750
Second class tickets -
you get what you pay for.
329
00:15:35,750 --> 00:15:38,750
This interview
is going to be a piece of cake.
330
00:15:38,750 --> 00:15:41,750
Are you good at interviews, sir?
Of course I am!
331
00:15:41,750 --> 00:15:44,750
What's the one thing
you need to remember for interviews?
332
00:15:44,750 --> 00:15:46,750
Your name.
333
00:15:46,750 --> 00:15:48,750
No! Make sure your flies are done up.
334
00:15:49,750 --> 00:15:51,750
Are my flies done up?
335
00:15:58,750 --> 00:16:00,750
No.
336
00:16:00,750 --> 00:16:01,750
Oops!
337
00:16:01,750 --> 00:16:04,750
We don't want anyone
looking in there, do we?
338
00:16:04,750 --> 00:16:05,750
No, sir.
339
00:16:05,750 --> 00:16:07,750
Hello there.
ALL: Hello.
340
00:16:07,750 --> 00:16:09,750
Assalam aleikum!
341
00:16:09,750 --> 00:16:13,750
You're all here for the child safety
support officer position?
342
00:16:13,750 --> 00:16:16,750
That's right.
All present and correct.
343
00:16:16,750 --> 00:16:17,750
Flies done up.
344
00:16:18,750 --> 00:16:20,750
Mr Khan, is it?
345
00:16:20,750 --> 00:16:23,750
That's right. K, H for hat,
A for Asian, N for knowledge.
346
00:16:23,750 --> 00:16:28,750
Right, well, I'd like to formally
welcome you all, and to say that
347
00:16:28,750 --> 00:16:32,750
Sparkhill Borough Council
is an equal opportunities employer.
348
00:16:32,750 --> 00:16:34,750
Bingo! We're in!
349
00:16:35,750 --> 00:16:38,750
We welcome all applications
regardless of race, colour,
350
00:16:38,750 --> 00:16:40,750
nationality, religious beliefs...
351
00:16:40,750 --> 00:16:42,750
Cheerio!
352
00:16:42,750 --> 00:16:44,750
...and gender.
353
00:16:44,750 --> 00:16:45,750
Blimey!
354
00:16:47,750 --> 00:16:49,750
Looks like we've got competition.
355
00:16:49,750 --> 00:16:52,750
But if I've only got her/him
to beat, we're laughing!
356
00:16:53,750 --> 00:16:55,750
Good luck, sir!
357
00:16:55,750 --> 00:16:58,750
Right, well,
if you'd like to follow me.
358
00:16:59,750 --> 00:17:02,750
Mr Khan, I'm not sure what you're
trying to do is entirely ethical.
359
00:17:02,750 --> 00:17:05,750
MOCKING, WHINEY VOICE: "I'm not sure
what you're trying to do
360
00:17:05,750 --> 00:17:07,750
"is entirely ethical."
361
00:17:07,750 --> 00:17:09,750
Listen, Dave, I need to do this.
362
00:17:09,750 --> 00:17:10,750
I'm the head of the household.
363
00:17:10,750 --> 00:17:12,750
I need to show
that I'm still in charge,
364
00:17:12,750 --> 00:17:14,750
that I'm still king of my castle.
365
00:17:14,750 --> 00:17:17,750
Otherwise, I'll become some sad loser
366
00:17:17,750 --> 00:17:20,750
that everyone just ignores
or laughs at.
367
00:17:20,750 --> 00:17:22,750
You know what I'm talking about,
don't you?
368
00:17:22,750 --> 00:17:24,750
What, because
I'm king of my castle, too?
369
00:17:24,750 --> 00:17:27,750
No, Dave, because you're a ginger.
370
00:17:33,750 --> 00:17:34,750
OK.
371
00:17:34,750 --> 00:17:37,750
First, we're going to run through
basic road traffic awareness.
372
00:17:37,750 --> 00:17:41,750
Mr Khan, would you show us
your road crossing technique?
373
00:17:43,750 --> 00:17:44,750
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
374
00:17:46,750 --> 00:17:49,750
Neee-ooow!
375
00:17:49,750 --> 00:17:51,750
Neee-ooow!
376
00:17:51,750 --> 00:17:53,750
Nee... Urrrgh!
377
00:17:53,750 --> 00:17:55,750
HE MUTTERS
378
00:17:58,750 --> 00:18:00,750
That's not how you cross the road.
379
00:18:00,750 --> 00:18:02,750
It is in Sparkhill!
380
00:18:02,750 --> 00:18:04,750
You wait for a break in traffic
381
00:18:04,750 --> 00:18:09,750
and you walk slowly to the middle
of the crossing and stop.
382
00:18:09,750 --> 00:18:11,750
Now, does anyone know
what this technique is called?
383
00:18:11,750 --> 00:18:12,750
Suicide?
384
00:18:14,750 --> 00:18:16,750
Partial crossing.
385
00:18:16,750 --> 00:18:18,750
This allows the cars to see you
and to slow down to a halt.
386
00:18:18,750 --> 00:18:21,750
They won't see you round here.
Why not?
387
00:18:21,750 --> 00:18:24,750
Lots of Bangladeshis,
they can't see over the wheel.
388
00:18:24,750 --> 00:18:27,750
We don't condone
any kind of racist stereotyping.
389
00:18:27,750 --> 00:18:31,750
It's not racist!
They're just a little bit teeny tiny.
390
00:18:31,750 --> 00:18:33,750
Mr Khan! I'm listening.
391
00:18:33,750 --> 00:18:35,750
Fitness is also important.
392
00:18:35,750 --> 00:18:38,750
Crossing users
may require physical assistance.
393
00:18:38,750 --> 00:18:40,750
I'm stronger than that lot.
394
00:18:43,750 --> 00:18:45,750
Now, I have a dummy to demonstrate.
395
00:18:45,750 --> 00:18:47,750
Right, is it the one in the middle?
396
00:18:50,750 --> 00:18:52,750
Oh, I see.
397
00:18:52,750 --> 00:18:55,750
Yeah, now, these things
are incredibly expensive
398
00:18:55,750 --> 00:18:58,750
and I'd appreciate it if you would
treat them very, very gently,
399
00:18:58,750 --> 00:18:59,750
Yes, be careful!
400
00:19:00,750 --> 00:19:01,750
Carry on.
401
00:19:01,750 --> 00:19:02,750
OK.
402
00:19:02,750 --> 00:19:06,750
Let's suppose our child
is on his way to school...
403
00:19:06,750 --> 00:19:10,750
Hang on. How old
is he supposed to be? What?
404
00:19:10,750 --> 00:19:12,750
He's looks a bit well developed
for primary school.
405
00:19:12,750 --> 00:19:14,750
Mind you, my cousin Farooq
406
00:19:14,750 --> 00:19:17,750
had a fully grown beard
by the time he was seven.
407
00:19:17,750 --> 00:19:20,750
Obviously,
you have to use your imagination.
408
00:19:20,750 --> 00:19:23,750
No problem. So, our child
is on his way to school...
409
00:19:23,750 --> 00:19:26,750
Woodfield School?
What? Is it Woodfield School?
410
00:19:26,750 --> 00:19:28,750
Doesn't matter what school.
Yes, it bloomin' does!
411
00:19:28,750 --> 00:19:30,750
OK, it's Woodfield School.
412
00:19:30,750 --> 00:19:32,750
Great! You see, Dave?
I told you it would work.
413
00:19:32,750 --> 00:19:34,750
I'm an impartial observer.
414
00:19:34,750 --> 00:19:36,750
Whatever!
415
00:19:36,750 --> 00:19:39,750
OK, now,
let's imagine you're on duty
416
00:19:39,750 --> 00:19:41,750
and our child needs
to use the crossing.
417
00:19:45,750 --> 00:19:49,750
Oh! He's dropped his bag
in the middle of the road.
418
00:19:49,750 --> 00:19:52,750
There's books and pens everywhere!
What are you going to do?
419
00:19:52,750 --> 00:19:56,750
Ah, Mr Simpson, how are you?
That is a lovely suit!
420
00:19:56,750 --> 00:19:58,750
Hm? Ha-ha-ha, that's very funny!
421
00:19:58,750 --> 00:19:59,750
Mr Khan!
422
00:19:59,750 --> 00:20:03,750
I'm talking to the headmaster.
What?
423
00:20:03,750 --> 00:20:06,750
He's about to give my grandson
a place at the school.
424
00:20:06,750 --> 00:20:07,750
There's no-one there!
425
00:20:07,750 --> 00:20:10,750
You said to use your imagination!
426
00:20:10,750 --> 00:20:13,750
This child
is in a hazardous situation.
427
00:20:13,750 --> 00:20:15,750
You need to get him to safety
as quickly as possible.
428
00:20:15,750 --> 00:20:17,750
Fine! Off you go, sonny.
429
00:20:22,750 --> 00:20:23,750
Don't worry. I'll fix it.
430
00:20:26,750 --> 00:20:29,750
Right, I... I really think
we should move on.
431
00:20:30,750 --> 00:20:33,750
Anger management is an essential
skill for the child's safety...
432
00:20:33,750 --> 00:20:36,750
CRASHING
It's OK, I've almost got it.
433
00:20:36,750 --> 00:20:38,750
Anger management is an essential...
434
00:20:38,750 --> 00:20:41,750
It's an essential skill...
MORE CRASHING AND SQUEAKING
435
00:20:41,750 --> 00:20:45,750
...for the child safety...
It's OK, I'm almost there.
436
00:20:45,750 --> 00:20:47,750
Anger management...
Ah, nearly had it!
437
00:20:47,750 --> 00:20:48,750
Leave it!
438
00:20:51,750 --> 00:20:53,750
Please.
439
00:20:53,750 --> 00:20:54,750
Just leave it.
440
00:21:06,750 --> 00:21:10,750
Road rage incidents
are becoming increasingly common.
441
00:21:10,750 --> 00:21:14,750
You might have to diffuse situations
with difficult drivers.
442
00:21:14,750 --> 00:21:17,750
So, um, Yvonne, if you'd like
to be the driver, and...
443
00:21:17,750 --> 00:21:19,750
Me!
444
00:21:23,750 --> 00:21:29,750
Right. So, Yvonne is at the crossing
and she's getting irritated.
445
00:21:29,750 --> 00:21:30,750
Beep, beep!
446
00:21:32,750 --> 00:21:34,750
Beep, beep. Hurry up!
447
00:21:34,750 --> 00:21:36,750
All right, calm down, my darling!
448
00:21:36,750 --> 00:21:38,750
Don't call me darling.
449
00:21:38,750 --> 00:21:40,750
Yes. You absolutely must not use
sexist language.
450
00:21:40,750 --> 00:21:44,750
I'm not being sexist. It's
patronising and demeaning to women.
451
00:21:44,750 --> 00:21:46,750
Oh, right. Sorry, sweetheart.
452
00:21:46,750 --> 00:21:49,750
What? We are very sorry.
453
00:21:49,750 --> 00:21:52,750
Forget it. It's a generational
thing. He's old, so...
454
00:21:52,750 --> 00:21:54,750
I'm not old!
455
00:21:54,750 --> 00:21:59,750
Right, I really think it's time
for somebody else to have a turn.
456
00:21:59,750 --> 00:22:02,750
Get off my lollipop! Get off it!
457
00:22:16,750 --> 00:22:19,750
OK, so this is
the final part of the test.
458
00:22:19,750 --> 00:22:21,750
It's practical,
so we can throw anything at you
459
00:22:21,750 --> 00:22:22,750
to see how you'll cope.
460
00:22:22,750 --> 00:22:24,750
Who wants to go first?
461
00:22:24,750 --> 00:22:25,750
THROAT CLEARS
462
00:22:27,750 --> 00:22:29,750
Mr Khan.
463
00:22:29,750 --> 00:22:31,750
I'm ready!
464
00:22:31,750 --> 00:22:33,750
Right, well, off you go.
465
00:22:33,750 --> 00:22:35,750
ENGINE STARTS
466
00:22:40,750 --> 00:22:42,750
Stop! Children!
TYRES SCREECH
467
00:22:46,750 --> 00:22:48,750
Come on, go on!
468
00:22:48,750 --> 00:22:52,750
Oh, no!
One of the children has fallen over.
469
00:22:52,750 --> 00:22:55,750
Now, please be careful
with the dummy. Chillax.
470
00:22:56,750 --> 00:22:59,750
Hai! Mera knee!
471
00:22:59,750 --> 00:23:01,750
No, no, no.
You shouldn't move the victim.
472
00:23:01,750 --> 00:23:03,750
I can't get down there!
473
00:23:03,750 --> 00:23:05,750
HORN TOOTS
474
00:23:05,750 --> 00:23:08,750
Keep your hair on, Riaz, I've got
an injured child in the road!
475
00:23:08,750 --> 00:23:11,750
I'm late for work. I've got
an important meeting with a client.
476
00:23:11,750 --> 00:23:15,750
You're a funeral director.
It's not as if he's going anywhere!
477
00:23:16,750 --> 00:23:18,750
HORN TOOTS
478
00:23:19,750 --> 00:23:21,750
Here, hold this.
479
00:23:21,750 --> 00:23:23,750
HORN TOOTS
480
00:23:23,750 --> 00:23:26,750
Agh!
481
00:23:26,750 --> 00:23:28,750
Riaz, stop tooting.
You're supposed to be on my side.
482
00:23:28,750 --> 00:23:30,750
I'm trying to make it realistic.
483
00:23:30,750 --> 00:23:33,750
And you should be looking after
the casualty. OK, fine.
484
00:23:33,750 --> 00:23:35,750
CRACKING
485
00:23:35,750 --> 00:23:37,750
Well, go on, then.
486
00:23:37,750 --> 00:23:39,750
I can't. Why not?
487
00:23:39,750 --> 00:23:42,750
My back's gone again! I can't move.
488
00:23:42,750 --> 00:23:45,750
Don't worry.
You stay where you are. I'll move.
489
00:23:45,750 --> 00:23:46,750
What?
490
00:23:46,750 --> 00:23:47,750
Mr Khan!
491
00:23:47,750 --> 00:23:49,750
Hold on!
492
00:23:49,750 --> 00:23:54,750
Right, just try reversing a bit.
It might free it up.
493
00:23:54,750 --> 00:23:55,750
OK.
494
00:23:55,750 --> 00:23:59,750
Aaargh! Slow down! Slow down!
495
00:23:59,750 --> 00:24:01,750
It's not Police! Camera! Action!
496
00:24:01,750 --> 00:24:02,750
Hai! Hai!
497
00:24:02,750 --> 00:24:03,750
HE YELPS IN PAIN
498
00:24:03,750 --> 00:24:05,750
TYRES SCREECH
499
00:24:05,750 --> 00:24:07,750
Argh! Right, go forward!
500
00:24:09,750 --> 00:24:12,750
HE GROANS IN AGONY
501
00:24:21,750 --> 00:24:24,750
Stop the car, stop the car!
502
00:24:24,750 --> 00:24:26,750
Stop the car!
503
00:24:26,750 --> 00:24:27,750
Where are you going?
504
00:24:27,750 --> 00:24:29,750
I forgot to get the milk.
505
00:24:36,750 --> 00:24:39,750
Is he smiling yet?
No. I've tried everything.
506
00:24:39,750 --> 00:24:41,750
Well, try harder.
I'm not having family photos
507
00:24:41,750 --> 00:24:44,750
with him looking like someone's
just run over Iggle Piggle.
508
00:24:44,750 --> 00:24:46,750
OK.
509
00:24:46,750 --> 00:24:49,750
# There's a worm
at the bottom of the garden
510
00:24:49,750 --> 00:24:53,750
# And his name is Wiggley Woo..."
511
00:24:53,750 --> 00:24:55,750
HE TOOTS INSTRUMENT
512
00:24:55,750 --> 00:24:57,750
BABY MO CRIES
513
00:24:57,750 --> 00:25:00,750
So, I'll say,
"One, two, three, jump!"
514
00:25:00,750 --> 00:25:03,750
and we all jump up
and he takes the picture.
515
00:25:03,750 --> 00:25:05,750
Like that.
516
00:25:05,750 --> 00:25:06,750
SHE SPEAKS URDU
517
00:25:06,750 --> 00:25:08,750
I haven't jumped since 1973.
518
00:25:10,750 --> 00:25:12,750
And don't forget
your father's got a bad back.
519
00:25:12,750 --> 00:25:15,750
Where is he, anyway? We've only got
the studio for an hour.
520
00:25:15,750 --> 00:25:16,750
DOOR SLAMS
521
00:25:16,750 --> 00:25:19,750
Papaji! Where've you been?
522
00:25:19,750 --> 00:25:23,750
He's been at the community centre,
haven't you, sir? No.
523
00:25:23,750 --> 00:25:25,750
It's all right, you can tell them
now you've got the job!
524
00:25:25,750 --> 00:25:27,750
Quiet, Amjad! What have you done?
525
00:25:27,750 --> 00:25:29,750
He got the job at Woodfield School
526
00:25:29,750 --> 00:25:32,750
so he can get the shingles
with the headmaster!
527
00:25:33,750 --> 00:25:34,750
I told you not to do that!
528
00:25:34,750 --> 00:25:36,750
She told you not to do that!
529
00:25:36,750 --> 00:25:38,750
Heh! Idiot!
530
00:25:38,750 --> 00:25:41,750
Did you know about this? Yes.
531
00:25:41,750 --> 00:25:44,750
But it's all going to work out fine
and you'll be happy.
532
00:25:44,750 --> 00:25:46,750
Tell them, sir. I can't.
533
00:25:46,750 --> 00:25:48,750
What do you mean?
534
00:25:48,750 --> 00:25:50,750
I didn't get the job. What?
535
00:25:50,750 --> 00:25:53,750
In fact, they banned me
from going near the school.
536
00:25:54,750 --> 00:25:56,750
But Baby Mo can still go.
537
00:25:56,750 --> 00:25:57,870
No, they banned him as well.
538
00:25:59,750 --> 00:26:02,750
In fact, they banned
the whole family. Oh, my God!
539
00:26:02,750 --> 00:26:04,750
What happened, Papaji?
540
00:26:04,750 --> 00:26:06,750
I don't want to talk about it.
But you hurt your back!
541
00:26:06,750 --> 00:26:08,750
I don't want to think about it.
542
00:26:08,750 --> 00:26:10,750
Well, you'd just better
straighten yourself out.
543
00:26:10,750 --> 00:26:13,750
We're practising our poses for the
photos. I don't want to be in it.
544
00:26:13,750 --> 00:26:17,750
Papaji! It's a family photo.
We need the whole family.
545
00:26:17,750 --> 00:26:21,750
This family doesn't need me any more.
You go ahead without me.
546
00:26:23,750 --> 00:26:25,750
Don't be like that.
547
00:26:25,750 --> 00:26:27,750
I'll only ruin it.
548
00:26:27,750 --> 00:26:28,750
I'm too old.
549
00:26:28,750 --> 00:26:30,750
No-one thinks you're old.
550
00:26:30,750 --> 00:26:33,750
And I'm too fat.
No-one thinks you're fat.
551
00:26:33,750 --> 00:26:34,750
I do.
552
00:26:36,750 --> 00:26:41,750
I'm too old and I'm too fat
and I'm no use to anyone any more.
553
00:26:41,750 --> 00:26:42,750
That's not true.
554
00:26:42,750 --> 00:26:46,750
It is true! I couldn't even
put the poxy blinds up.
555
00:26:46,750 --> 00:26:49,750
Now you're just being silly.
Am I? Am I?
556
00:26:49,750 --> 00:26:51,750
I'm Mr Khan.
557
00:26:51,750 --> 00:26:53,750
Man of the house.
558
00:26:53,750 --> 00:26:56,750
I'm supposed to provide
for my family.
559
00:26:56,750 --> 00:26:59,750
But look at me!
Back hurts. Leg hurts.
560
00:26:59,750 --> 00:27:01,750
I've got grey hairs in beard.
561
00:27:01,750 --> 00:27:04,750
And I can't even get my own grandson
into his school,
562
00:27:04,750 --> 00:27:07,750
because I'm too bloomin' old
and too bloomin' fat
563
00:27:07,750 --> 00:27:09,750
to be a bloomin' lollipop man!
564
00:27:10,750 --> 00:27:15,750
You might as well
take me out the back and shoot me!
565
00:27:17,750 --> 00:27:19,750
BABY MO GIGGLES
566
00:27:19,750 --> 00:27:20,750
Oh, my God!
567
00:27:20,750 --> 00:27:23,750
You see?
Even the boy's laughing at me.
568
00:27:23,750 --> 00:27:26,750
I can't believe it! He's laughing.
BABY MO LAUGHS
569
00:27:26,750 --> 00:27:29,750
How did you do that? Do what?
570
00:27:29,750 --> 00:27:32,750
He hasn't smiled all day, sir.
Nobody could make him smile.
571
00:27:32,750 --> 00:27:35,750
He always smiles for me.
572
00:27:35,750 --> 00:27:37,750
Ah, there! You see? Hm?
573
00:27:37,750 --> 00:27:39,750
There's something you can do
for your grandson
574
00:27:39,750 --> 00:27:41,750
that no-one else can do.
575
00:27:42,750 --> 00:27:45,750
Ah, come here, little man.
576
00:27:45,750 --> 00:27:47,750
You always smile for me, don't you?
577
00:27:47,750 --> 00:27:50,750
Yes, you do. Yes, you do!
578
00:27:50,750 --> 00:27:52,750
CRACKING Hai!
579
00:27:52,750 --> 00:27:54,750
Mera back! Hai!
580
00:27:54,750 --> 00:27:55,750
Quick, take the photos!
581
00:28:36,750 --> 00:28:37,750
YOU'RE going on a date
with Lily Riley? Oh, yeah.
582
00:28:37,750 --> 00:28:40,750
This is fantastic! I know.
583
00:28:40,750 --> 00:28:42,750
Look how far she has fallen!
584
00:28:42,800 --> 00:28:47,350
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