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1
00:00:02,121 --> 00:00:04,705
(Ilana) Ab, $12.99 is
such a splurge for wine.
2
00:00:04,791 --> 00:00:05,656
You're spoiling me.
3
00:00:05,742 --> 00:00:07,158
(Abbi) don't, it's your birthday, dude.
4
00:00:07,210 --> 00:00:09,794
You deserve a bottle, not a box.
5
00:00:09,829 --> 00:00:11,212
I made a reservation and everything
6
00:00:11,297 --> 00:00:13,881
and I cannot wait for you
to open up this b-day gift.
7
00:00:13,966 --> 00:00:15,499
Oh, I'm dying. It's so good.
8
00:00:15,551 --> 00:00:17,168
I don't know.
9
00:00:17,220 --> 00:00:19,920
23 is such a nothing birthday,
though, you know, like...
10
00:00:20,006 --> 00:00:21,138
No.
11
00:00:21,174 --> 00:00:22,590
22, you graduate college.
12
00:00:22,675 --> 00:00:24,842
21, you're suddenly
allowed to be an alcoholic.
13
00:00:24,894 --> 00:00:26,844
- 20, you lose your virginity.
- Right.
14
00:00:26,929 --> 00:00:28,763
19's your last teen year.
15
00:00:28,848 --> 00:00:29,930
18, you get to vote.
16
00:00:30,016 --> 00:00:31,232
17, you get to drive.
17
00:00:31,317 --> 00:00:33,517
16's your sweet 16, 15's your quincea?era.
18
00:00:33,569 --> 00:00:34,852
- See?
- I guess.
19
00:00:34,904 --> 00:00:36,687
23 was pretty great for me, I
mean, it's the year I met you.
20
00:00:36,773 --> 00:00:37,738
Really?
21
00:00:37,824 --> 00:00:38,939
(Both screaming)
22
00:00:39,025 --> 00:00:40,024
Oh, my god.
23
00:00:40,076 --> 00:00:41,776
Oh, my...
24
00:00:41,861 --> 00:00:43,611
- Tree man.
- Oh, my damn god.
25
00:00:43,696 --> 00:00:44,745
Every time he gets me, every time.
26
00:00:44,831 --> 00:00:46,163
He needs a little bell.
27
00:00:46,199 --> 00:00:48,916
Or like, a personal triangle
he's playing all the time.
28
00:00:49,001 --> 00:00:51,368
He could cause a heart attack.
29
00:00:51,420 --> 00:00:52,620
For real, though, this wine,
30
00:00:52,705 --> 00:00:54,705
this like, pricey, high-class wine
31
00:00:54,757 --> 00:00:57,174
is setting up your entire year.
32
00:00:57,210 --> 00:00:59,009
If we weren't going to this BYOB, I mean,
33
00:00:59,045 --> 00:01:00,211
this would be like, 30 bucks.
34
00:01:00,296 --> 00:01:02,513
I know, I love a "BYOB".
35
00:01:02,548 --> 00:01:03,848
I love a "BYOF"... bring your own food,
36
00:01:03,883 --> 00:01:05,800
or a "BYOS"... bring your own silverware.
37
00:01:05,885 --> 00:01:07,434
I'd wash the dishes if they'd let me.
38
00:01:07,520 --> 00:01:09,854
This is the exact opposite reason why
39
00:01:09,889 --> 00:01:10,888
restaurants exist at all.
40
00:01:10,973 --> 00:01:11,889
I mean, why not just eat at home?
41
00:01:11,974 --> 00:01:13,357
I don't have a table.
42
00:01:13,392 --> 00:01:15,025
(Man) You girls are so pretty.
43
00:01:15,061 --> 00:01:16,894
You should smile.
44
00:01:21,317 --> 00:01:23,400
Four and three and
two and one-one
45
00:01:37,633 --> 00:01:39,967
(Ilana) So, I've been spending
all morning writing out my will.
46
00:01:40,052 --> 00:01:42,419
My dad said it's never
too early, and I agree.
47
00:01:42,471 --> 00:01:44,755
Ilana, you're only 23, dude.
48
00:01:44,807 --> 00:01:45,923
Okay, you know what?
49
00:01:45,975 --> 00:01:48,225
My people plan for death, Abbi.
50
00:01:48,261 --> 00:01:49,927
I'm Jewish too.
51
00:01:49,979 --> 00:01:51,762
Okay, but you're a mainline Jew.
52
00:01:51,814 --> 00:01:54,098
New York Jews wake up every day
53
00:01:54,150 --> 00:01:56,433
just thinking about how
they're going to die.
54
00:01:56,485 --> 00:01:59,904
(Scoffs) I think about death.
55
00:01:59,939 --> 00:02:02,740
(Man) Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex.
56
00:02:02,775 --> 00:02:03,824
Whoa, sex is right.
57
00:02:03,910 --> 00:02:05,159
Oh, my goodness.
58
00:02:05,244 --> 00:02:06,911
You wrote your will on a napkin?
59
00:02:06,946 --> 00:02:08,579
I made copies, obviously.
60
00:02:08,614 --> 00:02:11,115
Come on.
61
00:02:11,167 --> 00:02:13,500
I know, how have I never had...
62
00:02:13,586 --> 00:02:14,869
I know! How has it ever...
63
00:02:14,954 --> 00:02:16,754
it's always on the table.
64
00:02:16,789 --> 00:02:19,590
Hold up... you gave me power of attorney?
65
00:02:19,625 --> 00:02:22,793
I need you to be able to fight
against my killer or whatever,
66
00:02:22,879 --> 00:02:24,511
and then option the rights.
67
00:02:24,597 --> 00:02:26,463
I also am looking into a few mutual funds
68
00:02:26,549 --> 00:02:28,098
and I'm having some,
um... (Clearing throat)
69
00:02:28,134 --> 00:02:29,884
Valuables appraised.
70
00:02:32,221 --> 00:02:33,771
Are you (Bleep) talking
about the beanie babies?
71
00:02:33,806 --> 00:02:34,972
Don't!
72
00:02:35,024 --> 00:02:37,057
Stop, I can't even talk about this.
73
00:02:37,143 --> 00:02:38,809
- They're...
- With the flamingo one?
74
00:02:38,861 --> 00:02:39,727
Dude, I can't even...
75
00:02:39,812 --> 00:02:41,312
there is still some value there,
76
00:02:41,397 --> 00:02:43,147
especially in the ones that
like, commemorate events, okay?
77
00:02:43,232 --> 00:02:45,482
It's cyclical, the market is cyclical.
78
00:02:45,624 --> 00:02:47,841
Maybe you... you don't
know about the market.
79
00:02:47,876 --> 00:02:49,376
But it's cyclical.
80
00:02:49,461 --> 00:02:51,544
You're getting into like,
the eBay beanie baby game?
81
00:02:51,596 --> 00:02:53,680
Yeah, baby, it's a whole other math game.
82
00:02:53,715 --> 00:02:54,965
I've got a math head. All right, listen.
83
00:02:55,050 --> 00:02:57,017
Math mind.
84
00:02:57,052 --> 00:02:58,051
I'm all for wills.
85
00:02:58,136 --> 00:02:59,386
I think it's a good idea
86
00:02:59,438 --> 00:03:00,637
even though I think you're very young.
87
00:03:00,722 --> 00:03:02,439
But people get crazy
about material possessions
88
00:03:02,524 --> 00:03:06,526
and it's like, who even owns
anything these days anyway?
89
00:03:06,561 --> 00:03:07,777
Can you please spare a dollar?
90
00:03:07,863 --> 00:03:09,863
- Yeah.
- I just wanna to get some food.
91
00:03:09,898 --> 00:03:10,647
- Good luck.
- Thank you.
92
00:03:10,732 --> 00:03:11,731
Yeah.
93
00:03:11,817 --> 00:03:12,782
- Appreciate it.
- Bless.
94
00:03:12,868 --> 00:03:14,701
I hope it helps.
95
00:03:14,736 --> 00:03:16,903
Oh, my god, we are...
96
00:03:16,989 --> 00:03:18,571
Can I get a buck?
97
00:03:18,657 --> 00:03:19,823
Oh, sorry.
98
00:03:19,908 --> 00:03:22,325
But you just gave her a buck.
99
00:03:22,411 --> 00:03:24,878
We can't give everyone
on the block a dollar.
100
00:03:24,913 --> 00:03:26,079
Well, actually, you could.
101
00:03:26,164 --> 00:03:27,414
You just don't want to.
102
00:03:27,499 --> 00:03:29,332
Actually, we couldn't, because
we're going to the meat sack
103
00:03:29,418 --> 00:03:30,750
and it's a cash-only restaurant.
104
00:03:30,836 --> 00:03:33,303
Wow, that must be nice.
105
00:03:33,388 --> 00:03:35,338
Okay, we could bring
you our leftovers, after.
106
00:03:35,424 --> 00:03:37,173
I was gonna have them for lunch...
107
00:03:37,259 --> 00:03:39,809
Oh, really? 'Cause that
would be so generous of you.
108
00:03:39,895 --> 00:03:40,810
Oh, it's no problem.
109
00:03:40,896 --> 00:03:41,761
I'm glad we...
110
00:03:41,813 --> 00:03:42,929
Okay, he's being sarcastic.
111
00:03:43,015 --> 00:03:44,264
Oh.
112
00:03:45,100 --> 00:03:46,933
Michelle, party of two.
113
00:03:46,985 --> 00:03:48,818
Michelle, party of two.
114
00:03:48,904 --> 00:03:51,821
Three, two, one.
115
00:03:51,907 --> 00:03:53,773
Okay, you lose.
116
00:03:53,859 --> 00:03:54,774
I have a reservation.
117
00:03:54,860 --> 00:03:56,576
It's under, uh...
118
00:03:56,611 --> 00:03:57,827
(Woman) You're my next two-top.
119
00:03:57,913 --> 00:03:59,829
Great. A'ight?
120
00:03:59,915 --> 00:04:01,614
Hope you're hungry.
121
00:04:01,666 --> 00:04:03,033
Get the stomach stretched.
122
00:04:03,118 --> 00:04:04,084
I cannot wait.
123
00:04:04,119 --> 00:04:06,586
I love me some dumplings.
124
00:04:06,621 --> 00:04:08,838
It's like a squirrel clutch
with a meatball in it.
125
00:04:08,924 --> 00:04:11,174
(Woman) Little Wayne, party of two.
126
00:04:11,259 --> 00:04:12,876
(Muffled screaming)
127
00:04:12,961 --> 00:04:14,511
Oh, my god, Weezy's here.
128
00:04:14,596 --> 00:04:15,512
He is so real.
129
00:04:15,597 --> 00:04:18,048
No, that's us.
130
00:04:18,133 --> 00:04:20,467
We... are Little Wayne.
131
00:04:22,554 --> 00:04:24,971
Oh, you are sweeping me off my feet.
132
00:04:26,525 --> 00:04:30,110
Oh, yum. Oh, my god.
133
00:04:34,649 --> 00:04:36,816
You can get as many
dumplings as you want, okay?
134
00:04:36,902 --> 00:04:39,202
Oh, my god! Oh, my god!
135
00:04:39,287 --> 00:04:41,037
Oh, my god! Wow!
136
00:04:41,123 --> 00:04:42,155
Yo, girlfriends.
137
00:04:42,207 --> 00:04:44,074
Hey... long time, no freakin' see.
138
00:04:44,159 --> 00:04:45,909
Look at you two!
139
00:04:45,994 --> 00:04:47,494
Couple of Madonnas, huh?
140
00:04:47,546 --> 00:04:49,546
Oh, gosh, so fashion, baby.
141
00:04:49,631 --> 00:04:50,497
(Woman) I love that!
142
00:04:50,582 --> 00:04:52,999
- How are you guys?
- Yeah.
143
00:04:53,085 --> 00:04:54,501
(Woman) When was the last time we saw you?
144
00:04:54,586 --> 00:04:56,052
I think it was at our show...
145
00:04:56,138 --> 00:04:58,338
- Yeah.
-... With Elliott.
146
00:04:58,390 --> 00:05:00,340
- It was our show choir show.
- Yeah.
147
00:05:00,425 --> 00:05:01,508
(Vocalizing)
148
00:05:01,560 --> 00:05:03,093
(Vocalizing)
149
00:05:03,178 --> 00:05:04,177
It was a long time ago.
150
00:05:04,229 --> 00:05:05,562
Can I ask you, do you live in New York
151
00:05:05,647 --> 00:05:07,847
or did you move, because you never respond
152
00:05:07,933 --> 00:05:11,684
to any of my Facebook, uh, invites.
153
00:05:11,770 --> 00:05:12,936
I get so confused on Facebook.
154
00:05:13,021 --> 00:05:14,020
- Me too!
- Like, how it works.
155
00:05:14,106 --> 00:05:16,940
What are all the numbers and the things?
156
00:05:17,025 --> 00:05:18,525
- I know!
- I don't know what they go with.
157
00:05:18,577 --> 00:05:21,027
- It's kind of change...
- It changes fast, the interface.
158
00:05:21,113 --> 00:05:23,113
- I'm afraid to click it.
- Yes.
159
00:05:23,198 --> 00:05:25,031
You know, I'm actually,
I'm really kind of sad
160
00:05:25,083 --> 00:05:27,534
that you guys missed my
last solo performance.
161
00:05:27,586 --> 00:05:29,169
Yeah.
162
00:05:29,204 --> 00:05:31,538
We're so sorry that that happened.
163
00:05:31,590 --> 00:05:33,506
We don't even know you guys that well.
164
00:05:33,542 --> 00:05:35,625
Honestly, Chris, I feel like
you should give them some of it.
165
00:05:35,710 --> 00:05:36,676
You should show them a little bit.
166
00:05:36,711 --> 00:05:38,761
Give them a little piece, a taste.
167
00:05:38,847 --> 00:05:40,880
Oh, you don't have to do that.
168
00:05:40,932 --> 00:05:42,549
- You don't have to.
- We're at dinner.
169
00:05:42,601 --> 00:05:44,801
I was born the day the Challenger exploded.
170
00:05:44,886 --> 00:05:45,802
(Woman) Honey, no.
171
00:05:45,887 --> 00:05:46,936
No, no, no.
172
00:05:47,022 --> 00:05:48,555
Do the ending, do the climax.
173
00:05:48,607 --> 00:05:50,390
Do "Dear Uncle".
174
00:05:50,442 --> 00:05:52,725
Um, please suspend your
sense of disbelief, uh,
175
00:05:52,811 --> 00:05:55,862
as the lighting here is not
good and it's not a theater,
176
00:05:55,897 --> 00:05:57,447
but all the world is a stage.
177
00:05:57,532 --> 00:05:58,898
Here we go.
178
00:05:58,984 --> 00:06:02,485
No, Uncle, please, don't!
179
00:06:02,571 --> 00:06:05,238
Okay, so he is on stage, he's fully naked,
180
00:06:05,323 --> 00:06:07,207
and he's maximum erect.
181
00:06:07,242 --> 00:06:10,293
Uncle, please, don't do it, Uncle!
182
00:06:10,378 --> 00:06:13,463
Okay, he's standing on
a shredded American flag,
183
00:06:13,548 --> 00:06:14,664
little pieces.
184
00:06:14,749 --> 00:06:17,250
Uncle, Uncle Sam!
185
00:06:17,335 --> 00:06:19,469
- He ejaculates!
- (Moaning)
186
00:06:19,554 --> 00:06:21,137
Into the flag.
187
00:06:21,223 --> 00:06:22,589
Yes.
188
00:06:22,641 --> 00:06:24,507
That's the twist.
189
00:06:24,593 --> 00:06:25,925
- It's a bit of a statement.
- Yeah.
190
00:06:25,977 --> 00:06:28,144
It's like, about currency
and politics and government
191
00:06:28,230 --> 00:06:29,679
and all that.
192
00:06:29,764 --> 00:06:31,264
Um, we can push your tables together
193
00:06:31,349 --> 00:06:32,432
and then maybe you can
talk a little bit quieter.
194
00:06:32,484 --> 00:06:33,516
(Whispering) No, please don't.
195
00:06:33,602 --> 00:06:34,767
(Woman) Excuse me, Sir.
196
00:06:34,819 --> 00:06:35,852
That's a great idea!
197
00:06:35,937 --> 00:06:36,769
- Yes!
- Yes!
198
00:06:36,821 --> 00:06:37,737
- Here we go.
- Here we go.
199
00:06:37,772 --> 00:06:40,106
Beep, beep, beep.
200
00:06:40,158 --> 00:06:41,908
Honk-honk, honk-honk.
201
00:06:41,943 --> 00:06:44,277
Beep, beep, beep.
202
00:06:44,362 --> 00:06:45,945
Hi!
203
00:06:46,031 --> 00:06:47,780
This is a good group.
204
00:06:47,866 --> 00:06:51,501
Oh, my... holy (Bleep).
205
00:06:51,586 --> 00:06:52,585
What the heck?
206
00:06:52,621 --> 00:06:53,670
What the (Bleep)?
207
00:06:53,755 --> 00:06:55,705
I'm such a klutz, we have to go.
208
00:06:55,790 --> 00:06:59,125
Now we gotta go, is what... it is.
209
00:06:59,211 --> 00:07:00,877
We gotta... we have to go.
210
00:07:00,962 --> 00:07:02,795
- Gotta go, we gotta go.
- Oh, my god.
211
00:07:02,881 --> 00:07:04,013
I can't be out.
212
00:07:04,099 --> 00:07:05,348
I can't be out like this.
213
00:07:05,433 --> 00:07:07,217
We have to go, that's... sorry, everybody.
214
00:07:07,302 --> 00:07:08,685
I should go home right now.
215
00:07:08,770 --> 00:07:10,186
This is never gonna come out!
216
00:07:10,272 --> 00:07:11,387
Let's go. Let's do it.
217
00:07:11,473 --> 00:07:12,722
Here we go.
218
00:07:12,807 --> 00:07:16,643
Wait, you can't leave
with an open container.
219
00:07:16,728 --> 00:07:18,528
Okay. Okay.
220
00:07:18,613 --> 00:07:19,812
We will not do that.
221
00:07:19,864 --> 00:07:22,782
You guys know wine is heart healthy, so...
222
00:07:22,817 --> 00:07:24,534
- Mm-hmm, and...
- Here we go.
223
00:07:24,619 --> 00:07:25,985
Just do that.
224
00:07:34,629 --> 00:07:35,545
Mmm!
225
00:07:35,630 --> 00:07:38,414
(Coughing)
226
00:07:38,500 --> 00:07:41,084
Oh... oh, my god.
227
00:07:42,754 --> 00:07:43,753
You have a good...
228
00:07:43,838 --> 00:07:46,472
California, I can tell.
229
00:07:46,508 --> 00:07:47,640
You have a good rest of your night.
230
00:07:47,676 --> 00:07:48,841
Sayonara.
231
00:07:48,893 --> 00:07:51,511
Bye, you guys. See you guys.
232
00:07:51,596 --> 00:07:53,763
I'm sorry, but they are too much.
233
00:07:53,848 --> 00:07:55,098
Yeah.
234
00:07:56,020 --> 00:07:57,280
Party of five?
235
00:07:57,623 --> 00:07:58,589
Scott Wolf?
236
00:07:58,624 --> 00:08:00,090
(Man) Oh, hey, hey!
237
00:08:00,125 --> 00:08:01,625
Where are the leftovers?
238
00:08:01,677 --> 00:08:04,044
It was... honestly too annoying.
239
00:08:04,129 --> 00:08:05,095
We didn't even order.
240
00:08:05,130 --> 00:08:06,346
Wow, too annoying?
241
00:08:06,432 --> 00:08:07,547
Must be nice.
242
00:08:07,633 --> 00:08:10,884
Must... be... nice.
243
00:08:15,474 --> 00:08:17,975
Must be nice!
244
00:08:18,027 --> 00:08:19,142
Jeez.
245
00:08:19,194 --> 00:08:20,727
I feel bad.
246
00:08:20,813 --> 00:08:23,864
You know, runaway teens have it so tough.
247
00:08:23,949 --> 00:08:27,451
He probably came out to his
family, they kicked him out,
248
00:08:27,486 --> 00:08:29,319
so he hopped a boxcar from Oklahoma
249
00:08:29,371 --> 00:08:33,156
and now he's turning tricks on St. Mark's.
250
00:08:33,208 --> 00:08:36,460
You know, child sex
trafficking is all around us.
251
00:08:36,495 --> 00:08:38,879
(Gasping) Wigs!
252
00:08:38,964 --> 00:08:40,998
Ab, I gotta go get a wig, it's my birthday!
253
00:08:41,050 --> 00:08:42,332
All right, you go ahead.
254
00:08:42,418 --> 00:08:43,216
I'm going to this Thai place
and see if there's a wait.
255
00:08:43,302 --> 00:08:44,668
Dope.
256
00:08:44,720 --> 00:08:47,587
Everyone's like, "where's
Christina, where's Christina?"
257
00:08:47,673 --> 00:08:49,840
I can't keep saying you're
in the keys at your parents.
258
00:08:49,892 --> 00:08:52,009
What do you want me to say?
259
00:08:52,094 --> 00:08:54,144
"Oh, my girlfriend moved
out seven weeks ago
260
00:08:54,179 --> 00:08:58,231
and I'm falling apart and my
dick doesn't work anymore, so... "
261
00:08:58,317 --> 00:08:59,182
Dude.
262
00:08:59,234 --> 00:09:00,851
Christina moved out?
263
00:09:03,355 --> 00:09:05,022
Oh.
264
00:09:06,408 --> 00:09:08,241
What happened with the wigs?
265
00:09:08,327 --> 00:09:09,743
I got distracted by this business guido.
266
00:09:09,828 --> 00:09:10,744
Oh...
267
00:09:10,829 --> 00:09:12,195
All right.
268
00:09:12,281 --> 00:09:13,280
I put our name in.
269
00:09:13,365 --> 00:09:14,865
- 45 minutes, we're in.
- Whoo!
270
00:09:14,917 --> 00:09:17,034
(Man) Yeah! Ugh.
271
00:09:18,407 --> 00:09:21,024
I feel like every city has a parrot dude.
272
00:09:21,110 --> 00:09:23,110
You ever see the guy
with the cat on his head?
273
00:09:23,195 --> 00:09:24,861
Yeah, wonder if it ever touches the ground.
274
00:09:24,947 --> 00:09:27,664
If it does, that would be disgusting.
275
00:09:27,750 --> 00:09:29,616
Imagine if those two guys met.
276
00:09:29,701 --> 00:09:31,918
I think the parrot would win.
277
00:09:31,954 --> 00:09:33,920
God, I have such a wig face.
278
00:09:33,956 --> 00:09:35,589
It's not even funny.
279
00:09:35,624 --> 00:09:37,457
This is the kind of wig you get buried in.
280
00:09:37,543 --> 00:09:38,708
Why would you want to get buried in a wig?
281
00:09:38,794 --> 00:09:40,260
It's the last time people get to see you.
282
00:09:40,295 --> 00:09:43,463
Yeah, exactly, I want to look
dope as (Bleep) at my funeral.
283
00:09:43,549 --> 00:09:45,766
It's my last party, you know?
284
00:09:45,801 --> 00:09:47,050
I even made a playlist already.
285
00:09:47,136 --> 00:09:51,138
It's pretty much RuPaul's
"Supermodel" on repeat
286
00:09:51,190 --> 00:09:53,607
and I need leather tissues.
287
00:09:53,642 --> 00:09:55,475
I also want everyone
I've ever hooked up with
288
00:09:55,527 --> 00:09:57,978
to just jerk off together.
289
00:09:58,063 --> 00:09:59,362
That might bring me back to life.
290
00:09:59,448 --> 00:10:00,313
Seriously.
291
00:10:00,365 --> 00:10:02,365
Yo, you should be careful.
292
00:10:02,451 --> 00:10:04,317
I just want like, a really nice funeral.
293
00:10:04,369 --> 00:10:06,119
You know, like, like, on a hill.
294
00:10:06,155 --> 00:10:08,655
You know, like everyone
would be really sad,
295
00:10:08,707 --> 00:10:10,123
like hill funerals usually are?
296
00:10:10,159 --> 00:10:11,241
Yeah.
297
00:10:11,326 --> 00:10:12,242
Everyone would be crying,
298
00:10:12,327 --> 00:10:15,879
maybe even hysterically, but then, then,
299
00:10:15,964 --> 00:10:18,548
everyone has to go to six flags, my treat.
300
00:10:18,634 --> 00:10:19,583
That is genius!
301
00:10:19,668 --> 00:10:21,251
You can't be upset at six flags, you can't.
302
00:10:21,336 --> 00:10:22,219
No, no.
303
00:10:22,304 --> 00:10:23,420
You can even "Weekend at Bernie's" me,
304
00:10:23,505 --> 00:10:25,589
but Ilana, no log flume, for real.
305
00:10:25,674 --> 00:10:27,507
How am I going to Bernie
you if I'm already dead?
306
00:10:27,593 --> 00:10:30,510
No, I'm obviously dying first.
307
00:10:30,562 --> 00:10:33,346
No, the husband always dies first.
308
00:10:33,398 --> 00:10:34,431
First of all, we're not married.
309
00:10:34,516 --> 00:10:36,316
Second of all, I'm the wife?
310
00:10:36,351 --> 00:10:37,818
You're the other husband.
311
00:10:37,853 --> 00:10:39,820
All right, agree to disagree.
312
00:10:39,855 --> 00:10:42,439
A to D.
313
00:10:42,524 --> 00:10:44,858
Oh, my god.
314
00:10:44,943 --> 00:10:47,077
I am definitely getting this.
315
00:10:47,162 --> 00:10:49,696
I am a female and I love to inspect bodies.
316
00:10:49,781 --> 00:10:51,164
Yeah, I think that's what that stands for.
317
00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:52,532
Me too.
318
00:10:52,618 --> 00:10:55,252
I'm getting this because I
look like I've been stabbed.
319
00:10:55,337 --> 00:10:57,954
I look like I'm mid-death.
320
00:10:58,040 --> 00:10:59,256
Challah back, y'all.
321
00:10:59,341 --> 00:11:00,590
Challah back, y'all.
322
00:11:00,676 --> 00:11:03,376
All right, I'll take
this and we'll take these.
323
00:11:03,428 --> 00:11:05,545
Wigs are 10, shirts are a buck each.
324
00:11:05,631 --> 00:11:07,964
Here you go.
325
00:11:08,050 --> 00:11:09,516
Oh, I love St. Mark's.
326
00:11:13,388 --> 00:11:15,388
(Boy) I'm alone!
327
00:11:15,474 --> 00:11:17,774
Oh, so sad. Been there.
328
00:11:17,860 --> 00:11:19,392
All right, so we can eat as
many dumplings as you want...
329
00:11:19,478 --> 00:11:20,477
- Thank you.
- ... Whatever kind.
330
00:11:20,562 --> 00:11:21,862
Dude.
331
00:11:23,565 --> 00:11:25,398
Yo, yo, yo, that girl
just did a tongue thing.
332
00:11:25,484 --> 00:11:26,533
(Man) A tongue thing?
333
00:11:26,568 --> 00:11:28,318
Yeah! Hey, what'd you do?
334
00:11:28,403 --> 00:11:29,319
I don't know.
335
00:11:29,404 --> 00:11:31,238
Yeah, it was like...
336
00:11:31,290 --> 00:11:32,405
No, it wasn't.
337
00:11:32,491 --> 00:11:34,791
I just, I was just like, cute...
338
00:11:34,877 --> 00:11:38,328
You know, I'm not trying to
start a whole conversation.
339
00:11:38,413 --> 00:11:44,834
You are seriously beautiful,
like, really, really beautiful.
340
00:11:44,920 --> 00:11:47,137
No, you are.
341
00:11:47,222 --> 00:11:48,171
(Man) Whoa!
342
00:11:48,257 --> 00:11:49,256
Holy (Bleep)!
343
00:11:49,308 --> 00:11:52,175
Hey! Ilana, your gift!
344
00:11:52,261 --> 00:11:53,260
(Bleep)
345
00:11:53,312 --> 00:11:55,428
Stop him, he took our bag!
346
00:11:57,516 --> 00:11:59,065
Drop the bag, you (Bleep).
347
00:11:59,101 --> 00:12:00,934
When I catch you, I
swear I'm going to rip out
348
00:12:01,019 --> 00:12:03,486
your disgusting little
ball sack until you (Bleep)
349
00:12:03,572 --> 00:12:04,821
throw up your own dick!
350
00:12:04,907 --> 00:12:05,689
Damn it!
351
00:12:05,774 --> 00:12:07,774
Stop, we're the FBI, bitch!
352
00:12:07,859 --> 00:12:09,276
(Man) Hey, watch it!
353
00:12:09,328 --> 00:12:11,194
Stop that guy!
354
00:12:11,280 --> 00:12:12,279
Watch out, watch out!
355
00:12:12,331 --> 00:12:13,530
(Man) Hey, come on.
356
00:12:16,785 --> 00:12:17,584
Hey!
357
00:12:17,619 --> 00:12:19,119
(Horn honking)
358
00:12:24,459 --> 00:12:25,292
My wig!
359
00:12:25,344 --> 00:12:26,960
Leave it, leave it!
360
00:12:27,629 --> 00:12:29,129
Market, market... go!
361
00:12:37,272 --> 00:12:40,890
Split up!
362
00:12:40,976 --> 00:12:42,309
Oh!
363
00:12:42,361 --> 00:12:43,643
Ass(Bleep).
364
00:12:45,981 --> 00:12:47,647
Go around, go around! Oh, (Bleep).
365
00:12:54,406 --> 00:12:55,739
Where is he? Oh, my god.
366
00:12:55,824 --> 00:12:57,457
He just (Bleep) ran down here, I...
367
00:12:57,492 --> 00:12:58,959
Go, there, there!
368
00:13:35,247 --> 00:13:36,946
Drop it, you (Bleep)
face, I swear I'll rip...
369
00:13:37,032 --> 00:13:39,115
come on, (Bleep)hole! Ball sack!
370
00:13:42,371 --> 00:13:44,921
Jesus.
371
00:13:45,007 --> 00:13:46,873
(Bleep).
372
00:13:46,925 --> 00:13:49,509
All right, okay.
373
00:13:49,544 --> 00:13:50,593
Yep.
374
00:13:50,679 --> 00:13:51,795
Hopefully no one will take that.
375
00:13:51,880 --> 00:13:54,931
- Okay.
- Oh, I have a lot in here.
376
00:13:55,017 --> 00:13:56,349
Okay?
377
00:13:56,385 --> 00:13:57,467
Okay.
378
00:13:59,354 --> 00:14:01,805
(Abbi) Dude, he's going into a house!
379
00:14:01,890 --> 00:14:03,723
- Come on!
- All right.
380
00:14:03,775 --> 00:14:05,525
Okay, he's getting away.
381
00:14:05,560 --> 00:14:07,727
Okay, here we go, I need just one...
382
00:14:07,779 --> 00:14:10,030
All right, you got it,
and then I just straddled.
383
00:14:10,065 --> 00:14:12,198
- This is uncomfortable.
- I know.
384
00:14:12,234 --> 00:14:14,117
I don't feel like I wanna...
385
00:14:14,202 --> 00:14:15,652
You know what?
386
00:14:15,737 --> 00:14:17,370
I'm gonna go back down through the kitchen,
387
00:14:17,406 --> 00:14:18,872
and I'm gonna be so fast,
388
00:14:18,907 --> 00:14:20,373
and it's gonna be so good,
389
00:14:20,409 --> 00:14:22,075
and we're gonna get the gift!
390
00:14:26,779 --> 00:14:28,362
(Doorbell chiming)
391
00:14:31,734 --> 00:14:32,733
Can I help you?
392
00:14:32,818 --> 00:14:33,951
A guy just ran in here.
393
00:14:34,036 --> 00:14:36,620
We were chasing him
'cause he stole my gift.
394
00:14:36,705 --> 00:14:37,988
He stole my bag. Call the police.
395
00:14:38,073 --> 00:14:38,989
He stole it right out of my hand.
396
00:14:39,074 --> 00:14:40,240
He's in here, he's in your house.
397
00:14:40,326 --> 00:14:42,459
Please, come in.
398
00:14:42,545 --> 00:14:44,545
Okay, uh...
399
00:14:46,715 --> 00:14:48,081
Timothy.
400
00:14:48,167 --> 00:14:50,551
Can you please come down here?
401
00:14:50,586 --> 00:14:52,219
Timothy.
402
00:14:52,254 --> 00:14:54,221
That boy lives here?
403
00:14:54,256 --> 00:14:56,890
Boy? He's 34 years old.
404
00:14:56,926 --> 00:14:58,675
I had him when I was very young.
405
00:14:58,761 --> 00:15:00,144
Timothy.
406
00:15:00,229 --> 00:15:02,429
Timothy!
407
00:15:02,481 --> 00:15:03,564
Jesus Christ.
408
00:15:03,599 --> 00:15:04,681
What, mother?
409
00:15:04,767 --> 00:15:06,233
Can you explain yourself?
410
00:15:06,268 --> 00:15:09,269
Did you just steal
something from these girls?
411
00:15:09,321 --> 00:15:10,571
Yeah, it was a (Bleep) joke.
412
00:15:10,606 --> 00:15:11,655
Chill out.
413
00:15:11,740 --> 00:15:12,940
You chill out!
414
00:15:12,992 --> 00:15:14,191
Chill out!
415
00:15:14,276 --> 00:15:16,360
And get their stuff now.
416
00:15:16,445 --> 00:15:17,411
Ugh!
417
00:15:17,446 --> 00:15:19,413
Now!
418
00:15:19,448 --> 00:15:20,948
I'm sorry.
419
00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:24,418
Please, don't press charges.
420
00:15:24,453 --> 00:15:25,953
No, it's gonna... it's all right.
421
00:15:26,005 --> 00:15:30,958
Ever since he dropped out
of grad school, he's, uh,
422
00:15:31,010 --> 00:15:33,510
he's given me a lot of grief.
423
00:15:33,596 --> 00:15:35,929
I don't know what to do... throw
him out, put him on the street.
424
00:15:35,965 --> 00:15:38,432
He'd love that.
425
00:15:38,467 --> 00:15:39,633
I'm so rude.
426
00:15:39,718 --> 00:15:41,885
Uh, would you...
427
00:15:41,971 --> 00:15:43,804
Oh.
428
00:15:43,856 --> 00:15:45,806
Would you, uh, like a drink?
429
00:15:45,891 --> 00:15:47,808
No, no, no. It's fine.
430
00:15:51,864 --> 00:15:53,564
It's a soft gift, so it's okay.
431
00:15:53,649 --> 00:15:55,199
Timothy!
432
00:15:55,284 --> 00:15:56,483
What is wrong with you?
433
00:15:56,569 --> 00:15:58,619
I don't know, mom. Why don't you tell me?
434
00:15:58,654 --> 00:15:59,786
You're the psychiatrist.
435
00:15:59,822 --> 00:16:00,988
Or do I need to make an appointment?
436
00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:02,456
Maybe you should.
437
00:16:02,491 --> 00:16:08,662
But you can't afford me
because you don't work.
438
00:16:08,747 --> 00:16:10,581
You love this, don't you?
439
00:16:10,666 --> 00:16:12,666
You think I like this?
440
00:16:12,718 --> 00:16:14,167
My only son.
441
00:16:14,253 --> 00:16:17,137
Having to lie to my friends about
442
00:16:17,172 --> 00:16:18,972
what my son does with his life?
443
00:16:19,008 --> 00:16:21,842
He's a loser, loser, loser,
444
00:16:21,894 --> 00:16:26,647
loser, loser, loser, loser, loser life.
445
00:16:26,682 --> 00:16:27,681
Loser.
446
00:16:27,733 --> 00:16:29,182
Right, 'cause you have to lie about me
447
00:16:29,268 --> 00:16:31,818
but not about anything in
your perfect little life.
448
00:16:31,854 --> 00:16:33,570
Not about the wine, the painkillers,
449
00:16:33,656 --> 00:16:34,571
my father.
450
00:16:34,657 --> 00:16:36,857
Do I look like the son of a quarterback?
451
00:16:36,942 --> 00:16:38,742
I will...
452
00:16:38,827 --> 00:16:41,528
I never asked to be born!
453
00:16:48,871 --> 00:16:50,621
Let me tell you something.
454
00:16:50,706 --> 00:16:53,840
I'm a very good mother,
it's just sometimes...
455
00:16:53,876 --> 00:16:56,793
You get a dud!
456
00:16:56,879 --> 00:17:00,380
A (Bleep) dud!
457
00:17:00,466 --> 00:17:03,550
(Abbi) I'm just going to grab...
458
00:17:03,636 --> 00:17:07,054
I'm sorry your son sucks so hard.
459
00:17:09,108 --> 00:17:13,193
Thank you, thank you.
460
00:17:13,228 --> 00:17:15,395
Thank you.
461
00:17:15,481 --> 00:17:16,863
Thank you.
462
00:17:18,984 --> 00:17:21,818
We're good, we're good, thanks so much.
463
00:17:21,904 --> 00:17:23,070
Thank you so much.
464
00:17:23,155 --> 00:17:24,705
- Have a great night.
- Appreciate it.
465
00:17:24,740 --> 00:17:27,574
You look beautiful, and
come back and see me.
466
00:17:27,626 --> 00:17:29,793
- Will you come back and see me?
- Yes.
467
00:17:29,878 --> 00:17:31,244
Okay.
468
00:17:34,750 --> 00:17:36,416
Whoo.
469
00:17:36,468 --> 00:17:37,501
Jesus.
470
00:17:37,586 --> 00:17:39,419
I wonder if they own or rent.
471
00:17:39,471 --> 00:17:41,555
Dude, I need to do more cardio.
472
00:17:41,590 --> 00:17:43,006
I'm like, sore already.
473
00:17:43,092 --> 00:17:44,308
Jeez, you know...
474
00:17:44,393 --> 00:17:46,643
Oh, my god!
475
00:17:46,729 --> 00:17:48,595
- Tree man.
- My wig!
476
00:17:48,647 --> 00:17:49,980
Oh, my god.
477
00:17:50,065 --> 00:17:51,431
Thank you, tree man.
478
00:17:51,517 --> 00:17:52,983
Thank you so much.
479
00:17:53,068 --> 00:17:54,434
This is nice.
480
00:17:54,486 --> 00:17:56,353
You're like the giving tree in real life.
481
00:17:56,438 --> 00:17:57,771
(Horn honking)
482
00:17:57,856 --> 00:17:59,156
All right! Okay.
483
00:17:59,241 --> 00:18:00,407
Hey, hey.
484
00:18:00,442 --> 00:18:03,076
You (Bleep) piece of (Bleep).
485
00:18:03,112 --> 00:18:04,661
I will (Bleep) car.
486
00:18:04,747 --> 00:18:06,029
I will (Bleep).
487
00:18:06,115 --> 00:18:08,532
I'm a tree, (Bleep) damn it.
488
00:18:08,617 --> 00:18:10,701
I was here first, car.
489
00:18:10,786 --> 00:18:12,419
I was here first!
490
00:18:12,454 --> 00:18:15,122
- Thanks for the wig.
- Thanks so much.
491
00:18:15,174 --> 00:18:16,873
Have a good night.
492
00:18:21,133 --> 00:18:23,233
This is the best gift ever!
493
00:18:23,236 --> 00:18:25,436
This is the most powerful
and beautiful blanket
494
00:18:25,471 --> 00:18:27,772
since the AIDS quilt.
495
00:18:27,807 --> 00:18:28,973
Good.
496
00:18:29,025 --> 00:18:31,225
I love pizza, dude.
497
00:18:31,310 --> 00:18:32,276
Me too.
498
00:18:32,311 --> 00:18:35,229
It's a squirrel sleeping bag, unzipped.
499
00:18:35,314 --> 00:18:36,280
Yes, it is.
500
00:18:36,315 --> 00:18:37,565
All right, listen.
501
00:18:37,650 --> 00:18:40,034
So, my family has a tradition on birthdays
502
00:18:40,119 --> 00:18:43,237
where we ask the b-day-ee
a couple questions.
503
00:18:43,322 --> 00:18:44,488
Are you ready?
504
00:18:44,540 --> 00:18:46,907
Ilana, 23-year-old.
505
00:18:46,993 --> 00:18:50,244
What have you done this past
year that you're proud of?
506
00:18:50,329 --> 00:18:53,164
And what are you gonna
do this upcoming year?
507
00:18:53,249 --> 00:18:54,048
Go.
508
00:18:54,133 --> 00:18:55,833
Okay, well...
509
00:18:55,885 --> 00:18:58,919
I am proud of the time I saw
something and said something.
510
00:18:59,005 --> 00:19:00,888
Yeah.
511
00:19:00,973 --> 00:19:04,175
I'm proud that I finally felt a prostate.
512
00:19:04,227 --> 00:19:05,843
It's tricky.
513
00:19:05,928 --> 00:19:08,512
Um... I'm proud that I used a lemon
514
00:19:08,598 --> 00:19:10,931
successfully as antiperspirant.
515
00:19:11,017 --> 00:19:11,816
(Sniffing)
516
00:19:11,851 --> 00:19:13,184
Whoo, yes I did, yes I did.
517
00:19:13,269 --> 00:19:14,351
Mm-hmm, yeah.
518
00:19:14,437 --> 00:19:18,773
And next year, I want to finish a book...
519
00:19:18,858 --> 00:19:20,024
- reading, not writing.
- Mm-hmm.
520
00:19:20,076 --> 00:19:24,695
I want to gradually lower
my dosage of antidepressants.
521
00:19:24,747 --> 00:19:26,781
And I want to join ancestry.com.
522
00:19:26,866 --> 00:19:27,932
Oh, I'm in.
523
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:29,083
- Dude.
- Let's do it.
524
00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:30,167
Okay, how about you?
525
00:19:30,203 --> 00:19:31,418
Well, it's not my birthday.
526
00:19:31,504 --> 00:19:32,870
Come on, it's... I wanna hear it.
527
00:19:32,955 --> 00:19:34,088
Okay. So, this past year,
528
00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:37,675
I'm proud that I finally
finished "Damages," so good.
529
00:19:37,710 --> 00:19:39,510
I really think you need to reconsider TV.
530
00:19:39,545 --> 00:19:41,846
- Nah.
- Um, what else?
531
00:19:41,881 --> 00:19:43,214
I pegged.
532
00:19:43,299 --> 00:19:44,799
Like... ow!
533
00:19:44,884 --> 00:19:46,717
Really outside of my comfort level.
534
00:19:46,769 --> 00:19:48,636
You know. Okay.
535
00:19:48,721 --> 00:19:50,387
I finally masturbated above the covers
536
00:19:50,473 --> 00:19:52,439
without my eyes being closed.
537
00:19:52,525 --> 00:19:54,859
That was a really big journal entry.
538
00:19:54,894 --> 00:19:56,894
Um... when I figured out my eyebrows.
539
00:19:56,946 --> 00:19:59,029
They're sisters, they're not twins.
540
00:19:59,065 --> 00:20:00,114
- Right.
- Need to be treated as such.
541
00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:03,150
Overwhelming pride.
542
00:20:03,236 --> 00:20:07,238
Okay, um, what about next year?
543
00:20:07,290 --> 00:20:08,906
All right.
544
00:20:08,958 --> 00:20:10,490
I'm going to do one legit pull-up,
545
00:20:10,526 --> 00:20:11,693
for real this time.
546
00:20:11,811 --> 00:20:13,278
And I really want to keep a plant alive
547
00:20:13,346 --> 00:20:15,013
for more than two weeks.
548
00:20:15,080 --> 00:20:16,581
You know, I'm going to do that.
549
00:20:16,649 --> 00:20:18,016
Ooh, I forgot one.
550
00:20:18,083 --> 00:20:19,651
I want to see a mangina from behind.
551
00:20:19,719 --> 00:20:21,319
I haven't in years.
552
00:20:21,386 --> 00:20:23,086
What?
553
00:20:23,154 --> 00:20:25,255
A mangina is when a guy pulls
his dick through his legs,
554
00:20:25,324 --> 00:20:26,324
it looks like a vagina.
555
00:20:26,391 --> 00:20:27,625
I know, I know what a mangina is.
556
00:20:27,693 --> 00:20:28,592
What do you mean from behind?
557
00:20:28,660 --> 00:20:29,960
Oh. Oh, I don't know.
558
00:20:30,028 --> 00:20:32,229
It's just, dick head and
balls squishing back there.
559
00:20:32,297 --> 00:20:34,498
It's so cute!
560
00:20:34,566 --> 00:20:36,066
Okay, I have another one.
561
00:20:36,134 --> 00:20:37,968
I want to get one of those
really painful massages
562
00:20:38,036 --> 00:20:40,437
where there's like, an
old Russian woman who like,
563
00:20:40,504 --> 00:20:44,207
slaps huge leaves at you while
you're like, completely naked.
564
00:20:44,274 --> 00:20:48,077
I just feel like I need to
feel more of life's pain.
565
00:20:48,145 --> 00:20:49,278
I hate pain.
566
00:20:49,347 --> 00:20:51,080
I love pleasure.
567
00:20:51,081 --> 00:20:56,838
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568
00:20:56,888 --> 00:21:01,438
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