Original subtitles

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

Hey, hey, you in college? I'm in college. Woo-hoo!

College!

College!

Cor, Cor, Cor, calm down, okay?

Nobody knows us yet.

I don't want to be immediately established as the "woo-hoo" boys.

Okay, okay.

This is us.

Wait, Shawn. We can't just go in this room.

I mean, this is big. You can't just open this door.

Cor, we're not in high school anymore. That crap just has to stop.

(EXCLAIMS IN AWE)

It's so beautiful.

No. No. "Beautiful" is not a strong enough word.

A better word is, like, sucks.

Give me a spoon. I'm digging a tunnel right now.

Wow.

What's the matter?

You brought pudding to college!

Hey, I got one for you.

No. Shh. Shh. Shh. Listen to me.

No pudding. No woo-hooing. Okay?

You're right. You're right. We're in college now, fellow.

This is a chance to reinvent ourselves, right?

We can be anything we want.

No. No reinvention, okay? You can be yourself, just without the pudding.

Because I swear on my mother,

wherever the hell she is,

if I get to be known as pudding boy's best friend,

I will kill you.

You can't ruin my mood, Shawn.

Hey, Cory.

I think when you bolted from the car yelling, "College, college,"

I think you forgot something.

My pudding trunk.

This is exciting, isn't it, Cor?

My little boy in college.

Gone for four years.

Boy!

Well...

(CLEARS THROAT)

Well, hey, thanks for raising me. See you.

Yeah, come on, guys, let's go. Time is money.

See you in four years.

I'll miss you, Morgan.

That's not fair.

Oh.

Oh...

Come here.

Shawn?

Ah, sure. Why not?

ALAN: Oh, yeah.

Oh, Alan, I'm gonna miss my baby boy.

Mom, you didn't get like this for Eric.

He doesn't know we're here, does he?

Uh, let's get out of here.

Shawnie, we're here. We're in college.

Yeah. Yeah, it is pretty cool.

Hey, look, Angela, I found us some college guys.

She means us. Ah!

Well, the four of us are here at Pennbrook.

Well, let's check it out.

(SIGHS)

(SOFTLY) Cory, remember, we're in college now.

Nobody knows us. Be cool.

Right, yeah.

Okay, look, we got hallways, rooms,

and co-ed bathroom.

Oh, see, Shawny?

In college, girls are not called girls.

They are called "Co-eds."

Boy, is she butch.

Cory, the bathroom is for men and women.

Both? At the same time.

Just like on Ally McBeal.

(MOCKINGLY) "Just like on Ally McBeal."

Let her go in there!

Cory, it's no big deal.

I'm going in.

Aw, come on.

I just got comfortable going in front of guys!

Registration.

Here is where we make the decisions

that will determine who we are

and what we know

for the rest of our lives.

Oh, shut up. Cory, we're freshman.

There's really no big decision to make here.

It's anything that says "101" or "Intro to."

Sure, if you wanna go the safe way.

Here we go. You see...

I was studying my course guide last night.

Now, the old Cory would've gone down that road of safe and easy courses,

but I refuse to be trampled by the masses

registering for a little course I like to call

"Introduction to mediocrity."

You done? Yeah.

Good. Okay.

Cattle.

This looks good.

Hey, come on, we gotta get going.

Yeah, let's get going, Rachel.

(SOBBING)

Idiot! You made her cry.

"Rachel." That's what my boyfriend used to call me.

What?

Hey, come on, there's gonna be plenty of time

for that stroll-down- memory-lane later there, babe.

I got to get there before Hooked on Phonics gets filled up.

Eric, come on, man. Can't you see she's upset?

Obviously, I don't have your power of perception.

What?

Everything!

Okay. That's good. It's out. Everything's out.

Move, move, move. Let's go.

I just don't know what I'm doing here.

I mean, we had plans. We were gonna live together.

We were gonna go to college together.

We were gonna get a doggy.

I know. Feels like your whole world is turned upside down, right?

School's about to start.

You're living with two guys you don't really even know in some strange town.

Everything's just kind of hitting you at once, right?

You know, Jack, that is exactly how I feel.

Oh, you are so sensitive.

Oh, thanks.

I just wish I had some way

to pull myself out of this, you know?

I've got the perfect thing.

Eric, this is not the time.

Nonsense, Jack. It's always the time for...

(GASPS)

(SINGING LITTLE CABIN IN THE WOODS)

Eric!

(BOTH SINGING)

Come on, Jack!

No!

(BOTH CONTINUE SINGING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Oh, you are so much fun.

Yay, me.

And you are so caring.

Boy, you know what?

If you two were one guy, I would be in real trouble.

(LAUGHS)

Huh!

"One guy."

No.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

You're already done registering?

Yeah. I registered,

I got my books,

and I bought each of us a Pennbrook sweatshirt.

Huh?

Go, penguins!

Don't ever do that.

"Quantum physics,

"Theoretical calculus,

"Inorganic chemistry,

"Forensic pathology?"

Is this your son, Mr. Johnson?

Oh, Cory, Cory, Cory, how do I put this delicately?

Could you be a bigger moron?

Why would you ask me that? Why?

Because your college career is over before it starts.

(LAUGHS) Somebody's jealous.

Cory, you've taken on an impossible load

that will eventually crush you to death.

I know, but I figure we'll have ten or 12 good years together first.

(LAUGHS) That's a good...

All I wanted you to do is stop with the pudding.

What is this? Do you even know what quantum physics is?

Um, hi. That's what they're gonna teach me.

If I knew what quantum physics was,

I would've tooken quantum physics 2, now, wouldn't I?

Have you looked at this? It's gibberish.

It's not gibberish. You're gibberish.

It's new and exciting, just like me.

So nuts to you, you jerks.

Uh, excuse me there, Professor.

Um, my friends seem to think

that I've taken on an impossible load with quantum physics

and that I'm gonna have some trouble understanding the course material.

Well, I could give you a brief synopsis,

and you can decide for yourself.

On the first day, we start off with...

(TALKING GIBBERISH)

And then we focus on...

(CONTINUES TALKING GIBBERISH)

(BOTH TALKING GIBBERISH)

Excuse me. We have a staff meeting.

Everything's fine. (CHUCKLES)

And I know that this is not about quantum physics.

It was just my nervous psyche

that heard the professor say...

(TALKING GIBBERISH)

And that doesn't scare me for two seconds,

but is there any way that you could possibly

get me out of every course that I signed up for this year?

You're feeling overwhelmed?

Yes.

Well, you are not alone in feeling that, son.

Yeah, I'm...

I'm just worried that I can't drop these courses

and that, you know, I've ruined my entire life in one day.

Nonsense. You can drop any course you want,

and you can pick up any course that's open.

(SIGHS)

Good. I want everything 101

or anything that starts with "Introduction to."

Oh. Those are gone.

Yes, um, I know that they're gone,

but I told you, I made a terrible mistake.

Now, will you please fix it?

Oh, you want me to fix this?

Well, I can't do that.

What do you mean?

I mean those courses are closed.

I know that they're closed, but I told you,

I made a terrible mistake. I accept full responsibility for that.

Now, will you please help me?

Son, did you know that one in three new students

won't make it through their freshman year?

Why are you telling me that?

Because college isn't for everyone, son.

And if you find just simple course selection so overwhelming,

well, perhaps you need to consider if it's for you.

Look, you're my guidance counselor.

I get into trouble, and you guide me out.

That's gonna be our relationship, yes?

This is college. The real world.

The relationship you're talking about? It doesn't exist here.

I'm sorry.

Buh-bye.

You lied to me.

You filled me with all this education.

But you never prepared me for life.

I'm sorry. Have we met?

You failed me, Mr. Feeny.

Several times, I believe.

You didn't prepare me for college.

You didn't prepare me for life.

I'm in way over my head, and I have no idea how I got there.

It's good to see you, Mr. Matthews.

It's good to see you, Mr. Feeny. That's a nice hat.

Anybody know you're here?

You mean does anyone know I screwed up college on my first day

and flew to Wyoming on my air miles?

Air miles? Where did you get those?

Pudding labels, baby. Got me to Omaha.

Bused in from there.

I met a Native American and a militia guy.

"Casinos good. Government bad."

So. How's, uh... How's retirement going?

Oh, well, I'm having a wonderful time.

Yeah? Well, what's so great? Tell me about your day.

Well, after spending 40 years as a schoolteacher

setting my alarm to wake up with the sun,

I now wake up whenever I want to.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

And then I have a big breakfast with some of the boys.

You got boys?

I do.

And then we do whatever our hearts desire.

For example, today, we decided to go fishing.

Fishing? Mmm-hmm.

All day. This is all... That's all you do all day, is just fish?

Well, there's more to it than just fish.

I mean, we swap stories,

enjoy the outdoors,

and more importantly, each other's company.

I had a company once, until my son-in-law stole it.

Easy, Ned. You'll blow your pacemaker.

So, basically, Mr. Feeny,

if I'm understanding this correctly,

you guys, you do absolutely nothing.

I wouldn't characterize it...

No, he's got it.

No pressures, no commitments,

no decisions, and no way to screw up anything at all.

Cory, perhaps you'd be good enough to explain to me

why you traveled all this distance

just to insult me.

Insult you? George, I envy you!

I mean, this is the next best thing to being in a coma!

Huh?

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(DOOR CLOSES)

Oh, it's you. Get lost.

What are you doing?

Hey, shut your cake hole, Irene. I'm sensitive, all right?

Rachel's gonna come back here.

She's gonna see how sensitive I am, know that I'm all man

and not half-man like your sorry tushy.

Congratulations, man. You're officially in the Idiot Hall of Fame.

That hurts me, but I understand

where it's coming from, and it's okay.

Eric, you're trying to change who you are just to get her to like you.

She's gonna see right through that, man.

No, she's not. She's gonna come back and fall for me

and fall deep into my trap of sensitivity.

All right. As your friend,

I'm begging you not to make a fool out of yourself.

All right. As a friend,

I'm begging you not to make a fool out of yourself.

Huh? How was that, man?

It's like looking in a mirror, huh?

It's Face Off!

(IMITATES LASER WHIRRING)

Eric, Jack. Jack, Eric. You don't even know who you are anymore.

Hey, guys.

(MIMICS SOBBING) Hello, Rachel.

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS)

Eric, what's the matter?

It's the children. It's the children.

The children? What children?

All of them. They're so little. You just...

Please don't make me go on.

'Cause the world is a melancholy place

where human relationships

must rise to the forefront

of our too brief experience

on this insignificant swirling blue orb,

until we're extinguished like a flickering flame.

Ow! That hot.

(SCOFFING)

Oh, Eric, that is the most sensitive thing I've ever heard.

Would you go with me to do laundry?

What?

I'm sorry, Jack. I need to be alone with Eric.

You do? She do!

I feel your pain, buddy, I do, but get outta my way.

We've got to attend to the delicates.

Yes, we do.

She's gonna see right through me, though, isn't she?

(LAUGHS) Dude, this is her bra!

Get...

Nice day, huh, Walter?

Yep.

Who's up for a movie?

Hmm?

That's a pretty good idea, George.

Uh-huh!

Why don't we wait till it rains?

Why can't we do it now?

Well, we're fishing now.

Fish are really jumping.

No, they're not. I haven't seen a fish since I've been here.

Take it easy, George.

We've got the rest of our lives to catch a fish.

Walter makes an awful lot of sense, George.

No, he doesn't. And his name is not Walter.

It's Cory.

Cory is too young a name to be here.

Cory's too young to be here.

I'm too young to be here.

(LAUGHS) Good one, George.

Look, Mr. Matthews, I have indulged your little fantasy

for a weekend hoping that you would come to your senses,

but obviously, no one here comes to their senses.

Now, don't insult our way of life, George.

I'm sorry, Ned. I'm just not ready for your way of life.

We'll miss you, George.

Back to school, Walter.

You know, Rachel, I'm glad you noticed the sensitive side of me

as well as the devil-may-care side.

You have it all, Eric. Everything a girl could want.

(STUTTERS) Thank you.

Uh, why'd you lock the door?

Well, if it was open, then somebody could come in, couldn't they?

And then they'd take all the best machines.

That's good thinking there, Rach.

(LAUGHING) No, no, no, silly. See, I brought you here

because I've never found you more attractive than I do right now.

(GRUNTS) Whee!

I am so hot.

Are you?

Yeah. I'm hot. This dryer's on fluff.

So am I.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Rachel, what are you doing? This shirt's clean.

I know. I just wanted it smushed up a little bit.

Oh, smushing's good. I like smushing. I think...

No. No. No, no, no, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Rachel, this is wrong.

Oh, come on. What's the matter, Eric? Don't you want me?

Yeah, yeah.

But not in the laundry room.

I mean, I always figured that if we ever did do this,

it would be in some romantic fleabag motel.

Hey, if you went to all the trouble to be the perfect man for me,

then the least I could do is be the perfect woman for you.

This isn't you.

I don't like this you.

You don't?

Then what do you want me to be?

Sensitive? Funny? A brunette?

I just want you to be yourself!

I mean, if you're not yourself, then what are you?

Somebody else.

Right. And if you want to be in a relationship with me,

then I want you to be there, not somebody...

Oh, I get it.

And I want you to be the funny, wonderful person you are.

'Cause that's how I like you.

Promise me you're not gonna change, okay?

(SCOFFS)

'Kay.

One condition.

Okay, anything.

Put me back on the dryer.

Okay. Whoo!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

I understand you've dedicated your life to teaching, Mr. Feeny.

But that was at the high school level. This is college.

As I understand it, high school serves

to prepare you for college. Am I correct?

Well, there are 5,000 incoming freshmen

who were able to register correctly. He wasn't.

Perhaps he wasn't adequately prepared.

You know something, Myron?

Out of all my nephews, I hate you the most.

Come on, Cory.

There's nothing to be done here.

Mother will be calling you.

Mr. Feeny, I'm sorry.

I feel like I failed you.

I guess I didn't prepare you as well as I should.

Maybe it's just as well I retired.

No. No. No. Mr. Feeny. The things...

The most important things that I learned from you

have nothing to do with the courses

that I'm taking here in college, anyway.

Really?

Yeah. I mean... What I learned from you

was mostly about life and how to make friends

and how to help and support the people you care about.

That's what you taught all of us.

How you doing, Mr. Feeny?

Howdy.

Thank you for bringing my Walter home.

Hi.

Listen, I'd love to chat, but Mr. Feeny and I,

we gotta start studying for quantum...

Whatever it is I signed up for.

Here.

What's this?

It's your schedule. You have two classes with me

and three with Shawn.

I figured you'd want it that way.

I don't get it. How'd you do this?

Well, we each signed up for an extra class...

And then we dropped one...

And signed you up instead.

And then we got your books and returned them for the right ones.

You did? How'd you know to do this?

Hey. We had the same teacher you did.

So I'm ready to start college now?

I think you are, Mr. Matthews.

I think you all are.

Now, you promise me you're not gonna change who you are?

You like me like I am?

Very much.

I do have a sensitive side, you know.

I know. Can I have my bra back, please?

Nope.

You see? You are funny.

And nobody should change the way they are.

(SQUEAKING)

(HONKING HORN)

Laundry room? Yeah, laundry room.

Come on, Jack.

I'm going to the laundry room.

Next time, ask before you borrow my bike!

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