All language subtitles for Bored To Death s02e06 The Case of the Grievous Clerical Error.eng

"To save himself and the blonde,

Harry slapped the large bag
of cocaine into the air.

Then Harry sent his fist,

which was the size
of a small dictionary,

into the drug dealer's throat."

- Ames here.
- Jonathan, it's Leah.

Oh hi, Leah.

I'm in your neighborhood.
Could I come by?

There's something I need
to talk to you about.

Here?

The place is very "Grey Gardens"
at the moment.

- I've been writing.
- Oh, it doesn't matter.

I'll be right over.

How's Ray?

He's, um...

making the best of it.

- Let's take a break.
- Okay.

I want to take a picture.

Red Hook is so weird
and beautiful.

Okay.

"I could've been somebody."

What? You are somebody.
You created Super Ray.

No, it's Marlon Brando.
It's a little lesser-known line.

"On the Waterfront"
was set in Red Hook.

Cool. I didn't know that. I like Brando.
I wish he wasn't dead.

Kiss?

- What are you doing now?
- Oh, I'm tweeting our photo.

None of my friends
believe I'm dating you.

Tweeting? So cute.

Yo, are those ears real?

Of course they are.

- What is it, Christmas?
- What's it to you, gaylord?

Yo, nothing, man.
Elves are cool.

You are the sexiest guy
I have ever met.

I know.

So here's a picture of Little Ray.

We got him from a rescue shelter.

I'll need this for my investigation.

Why'd you name him
Little Ray?

The girls said that he and Ray
have the same eyes.

I guess I can see that--
a certain sadness.

So tell me again what happened
from the beginning.

As a detective I need all the details.

Also I'm a little stoned.

Okay. So I tied him up
outside the pharmacy just for a second

- and when I came out he was gone.
- Oh my God.

So when I got home the phone rings
and this man says, "I have Little Ray,"

'cause my number
was on his dog collar.

I was like, "Oh my God,
thank you."

Then he says all cold,
"How much for him?"

Ransom for a dog.
I know this world is insane, but still...

So I blurted out stupidly,
"40 bucks"

and he hung up
and he hasn't called back.

The girls are heartbroken,
crying every night.

It's okay. I'll find him.
I don't want your girls to be upset.

They've already lost one Ray.

They shouldn't lose two.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

- I-I-- I'm stoned and tipsy.
- I'm also tipsy.

Oh-- Jonathan,
I can't believe that almost happened.

We only leaned.
A lean means nothing.

I do it naturally all the time.

I have bad posture from depression.
I just--

You're right, you're right.
It was only a lean.

But you know, I should go.

- Oh, I feel guilty.
- Me too, me too.

But we were just projecting
our love for Ray onto each other.

Right.
So you'll try to find Little Ray?

Of course. But, Leah,
should we actually kiss

so that our guilt
doesn't go to waste?

I've always thought
you were very beautiful.

Jonathan!

It's Ray!
Do you think he knows?

- Is that--
- Jonathan, don't be paranoid.

Let's just pretend
like nothing happened,

which will be easy,
because nothing did happen.

Well, I'm sorry about the nothing
that didn't happen

and, Leah,
I will find Little Ray for you.

-
Ride

She's a nice kid,
but it's just hard to be in public

with a girl that's got elf ears.

She lent me her huge bike,
which is nice.

Does she have other elf organs?

No.
That's what I thought.

I thought she'd have fairy dust
down there or something.

Completely normal
from the neck down.

But I feel bad when I kiss her.

All I do is think about Leah

and how her ears are regular.

I saw Leah today.

What? Where?
Did she say she misses me?

Yeah, she misses you.

I saw her at my place.

- Why?
- She needs my help as a detective.

What does she want you to do?

She got the girls a dog,
but it was stolen.

The guy who took it
had the audacity

to ask for ransom,
but she lowballed him.

She does have
a secret cheap side.

The whole time
we were together,

not once did she raise
my allowance. Go ahead.

Anyway, she lowballed him
and he hung up the phone.

I guess he must have
sold the dog or something,

but Leah wants me
to try to find him.

What a bastard,

wanting money
for a lost dog.

I don't know if you're
gonna like this,

but Leah and the girls
named the dog

"Little Ray."

Yeah, I like that.

It means they miss me.

- What kind of dog is it?
- He's a-- oh here.

- Not the most--
- Good God.

That is one ugly pooch.

With that scrunched face
he looks like an alien.

He's got nice eyes though.

- Yeah.
- So...

how are we gonna find
this gargoyle?

- Our last flyer.
- Now what,

besides getting a drink?

Now we wait.

Either the jerk
who grabbed Little Ray

will come out from under his rock
to collect the reward,

or if he sold the dog,
maybe that person will call us.

- What'll it be?
- One Budweiser

and a glass of your
worst white wine

for my friend, on me.

You know, George is having
his surgery tomorrow.

I know. Poor George.
Such a good guy.

Shouldn't have shot me that time,

but he always picks up the check.

- Thanks.
- Cin-cin.

Ah-hh...

After this, I got to go home
and finish my short story

for "The New Yorker" contest.

- What's the gist of it?
- It's about a P.I. named Harry Parker.

It's a pulp fiction take on how I beat
those drug dealers in Prospect Park.

I turned Greene into a femme fatale--
a sexy blonde.

Greene would make a good woman.
He has nice hips.

Huh.

Oh hey, perfect timing.

Do you think
that I'll need two bathrobes?

Well, you're just staying
at the hospital overnight,

- so probably just one.
- You're right. I better bring both.

- George.
- Oh, very good.

- Oh hi.
- Hi.

- Donna, that's Jonathan.
- Oh. Oh oh, it's so nice to meet you.

George talks about you
all the time.

I'm so sorry
about your career struggles.

- Don't--
- Right.

I just want to thank you
for taking care of George

and his prostate.

Oh, of course.
He'll be fine.

I haven't made
any surgical errors in years.

I'd better get going. My first surgery's at 10:00.

Okay.

So nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you too,
Dr. Kenwood.

- She seems great.
- Yeah, she's lovely.

You all right, George?
How are you feeling?

To be honest,
I'm a little upset.

The way I see it,
I have two options:

one, I come out of this
impotent and incontinent',

or two, I die
under anesthesia.

Oh no, please, George,

you have to visualize
a perfect recovery--

beautiful, strong erections,

vitality,
controlled urination.

You're absolutely right.

All right, just tell me
what's going on with you.

The best positive
thinking in life

is thinking of others.

So what's happening?
Distract me.

Well, I finished my story
for "The New Yorker" contest.

- I mailed it in this morning.
- Tell me the opening lines.

I love opening lines.

"In Harry's hand,
the gun looked like a toy.

The gun was big,
but his hand was bigger."

I like that.

- Very hardboiled.
- Sorry.

Hello.

Are you the person
looking for Little Ray?

Yes, I am.

Yeah, that's the one.

Cute little thing.
Beautiful eyes.

That's what I thought.
I love his eyes.

They remind me of my Nat.
That's why I wanted him.

- Nat was your dog?
- No, my husband.

He died at the deli last year.

Went for some half-and-half
for my coffee, never came back.

I should've just drank it black.

I'm sorry.

You kind of have his build,
you know?

Ha. That's what I liked
when I was young--

feel a man's weight.

It helps you forget
your troubles.

That's right. A lot of women today,
they don't appreciate heft.

So about Little Ray.

- Where did you see him?
- The Nevins Street dog man

brought him here yesterday.

He's a pooch peddler,
mostly little dogs.

He knew I was looking for one
because Nat passed on,

but he wanted
too much money.

- That must be the guy who called Leah.
- Yeah.

- How much did he want?
- $200. Yeah.

Then I was up at Park Slope,
you know, where it's fancy?

That's where I saw your flyer.

I went to see my daughter.

She lives very nice--
married to a Jewish lawyer.

- Are you Jewish?
- Yes.

Good.
Steady income is nice.

Right right.

So where can we find
this Nevins Street dog man?

Well, he's not called
the Carol Street dog man, is he?

That's right.

Well hello,
Mr. Christiansen.

- It's Christopher.
- Oh my God, you brought a lot of baggage.

When I get nervous
I overpack.

Do you think
I brought too much?

Yes, but it's okay.

So you've had no liquids or food
since last night?

Nothing.

Actually, you know,
I did brush my teeth

and some water may have
seeped down my throat.

Should we reschedule?
I know I swallowed some toothpaste.

Why don't I call Dr. Kenwood?

It's okay.
Toothpaste is fine.

So strip down and I'll be back
to shave your pubic zone.

What? Nobody said anything
about shaving down there.

No-- oh God.

Oh, that's not fair.

There's Little Ray.
Hi!

This explains
all the missing dog posters we saw.

I think I have
my next story--

"The Nevins Street Dog Man:

a Harry Parker Mystery."

His picture doesn't
do him any justice.

He has a strange forehead,
but that's a good-looking dog.

- Hi!
- It's locked.

Well, we'll get
some bolt cutters

and we'll free Little Ray.

Right.
And these other guys too.

- Tch-tch-tch.
- I recognize most of them from the posters.

There's Mochi,
Tulip, Mr. Chow.

You really like Little Ray,
don't you?

Yeah.

He's like
a dog version of a son.

His mother is
the woman that I love

and we have the same name.

Right.

We'll be back, Little Ray.

Lift up your gown, please.

Uh, before we start,

for some reason my old coloring
has held true down there.

Um, will it grow back like that?

It's just nice to hold on to one's youth
any way you can.

I don't know.
I never had a patient come back.

This is the best case
we've ever worked.

I thought you hated my cases.

I do, but this one's different.

This is my opening
to win Leah back.

You really do want her back,
don't you?

Of course I do.

Ray, there's something
I need to tell you.

Oh God,
I hate when you do this.

It's like forcing a man
to look up at the guillotine.

Go ahead and chop my head off
with whatever weird thing you need to say.

Okay.
I feel terrible,

but yesterday
I almost kissed Leah.

Ray, I'm sorry!

Raymond!

Ray.

Wait, listen.

I just leaned towards her.
It was only a lean.

And she would've
rejected me anyway.

Of course she would've rejected you,
but why did you try to kiss her?

She just seemed so sad
about the dog.

- Maybe I wanted to kiss her on your behalf.
- That's bullshit.

Ray, I'm sorry if I hurt you.
Please forgive me.

Well, I banged Suzanne.

- You did?
- No.

Of course not.
I didn't bang Suzanne.

I wanted to. I wanted to bang
all your girlfriends.

I wish you had.

You can if you want to.

Well, you didn't actually kiss her
and I understand.

Leah's the most beautiful girl
in the world, so...

let's just forget about it.

Forgetting, forgotten.
Forgotted!

Don't push it
with the wordplay.

I've missed you.

I've missed you...

I always miss you.

Why don't we ever
work things out?

I guess we're like children--

that thing we can't reach
is the thing we want.

Why don't you
crawl on up here?

They shaved my pubic zone.

I would've liked
to have done that for you.

Oh God, look at you.

Oh.

I am so glad that possibly

the last erection of my life

is with you.

I guess that's your line
with all the girls.

It sounded so sincere
this morning.

Dr. Kenwood,
this is not what--

what you think.

- This is, uh... this is, uh...
- Priscilla.

Priscilla, my ex-wife.

And we were just snuggling
for old times' sake.

That's all, nothing more.

Priscilla, this is my doctor.

- Nice to meet you.
- Yes.

- Well, I'll see you at 6:00 p.m...
- Mm-hmm.

...but you'll be under
so you won't see me.

It should all go well, I hope.

You hope?

Donna-- Donna?

Are you sleeping
with your doctor?

Well, she is a urologist.

Is that bastard feeding them cat food?
That is so low.

We're just gonna have to wait here
and then we'll bust 'em out.

Shit. I don't know
if I've got time.

George's surgery's
in two hours.

I said I'd see him before he went in.
Maybe we can come back tonight.

No, it's too risky.
We've got to wait this out.

- Something could happen.
- But I can't miss the surgery.

Then you go take care of George
and I'll take care of Little Ray.

Are you sure?
You're okay on your own?

Yes. I'm good
with bolt cutters.

I've never used them before
but they feel like scissors.

Okay. I'll call you
when I'm done.

And Ray,
I'm sorry about--

I've forgotten about it, okay?

But just know one day, I'm gonna
almost kiss somebody that you love.

Right.

Tell George that I'm rooting
for him, all right?

- I'm going to pray for his cock.
- That'll mean a lot to George.

Do you have to ruin everything?
Go.

"I'm just glad

that possibly my last erection
in life is with you."

Did you really use the same line
with both women?

Yes.
And I meant it each time.

Oh my God.
You don't think that Donna

will take it out on me
on the operating table, do you?

I don't know.
I would hope not.

Oh God,
I'm such an idiot.

Well, one good thing-- if I die,
I can't get any stupider.

- George, you're not stupid.
- Yes, I am.

I'm 62 years old and I'm still

just utterly confused
about everything.

- Like what?
- Myself...

women, men,
life in general.

I guess that's it.

Well, you have covered
all the bases.

Well, I do like to be
thorough.

Mr. Christiansen, sweetie,

I'll be back in a second with a chair
to take you to surgery.

Thank you, dear.

- "Christiansen"?
- I don't know.

She's been getting it wrong all day.

Everybody does, actually,
ever since I was a kid.

She's very nice.
She shaved my pubic area.

Had a nice soft touch.

George...?

I just want you
to know that, um,

well, I love you.

Okay, good looking,
in you go.

Ahem.

Is this your son?

Yes.

Your dad'll be okay.
I promise.

George, I'll be here
when you get back.

I know.

I'll tell you
who let the dogs out.

Oh my God.

They've got the wrong George.

-
The enemy is everywhere...

Stop!

- I'm gonna kill you!
- Fuck you, dog snatcher!

Mush mush!

Stop!

Sorry.
I'm sorry.

Hey, slow down!

Hey hey,
come back here!

Ow, that hurt, you fat fuck!

Fuck you!
I've lost weight!

Mush mush!

Go, Little Ray.

He doesn't live in Queens!

- Stop!
- Grab him!

What?
Queens?

Oh my God. Ray?

Mommy, look!
Little Ray's back!

All right,
let's go inside.

- I don't understand.
- Jonathan asked me to help on the case

so I did.

They've missed him so much.
Thank you.

Yeah, I'll bet he's happy
to be home.

Mom, Little Ray
already peed on the floor.

And now he's going
number two!

I really like that little guy.

Well, I should probably
go clean that up.

Okay.

It was really nice seeing you.

You look great, Big Ray.

So do you, Big Leah.

Thanks for saving Little Ray.

- Okay.
- I'll see you later.

See you later.

All right, guys.
That went pretty well, I think.

I've got a lot of calls to make.

What's that?
You don't like cat food?

Well, you know what?
If you heat it up, it ain't that bad.

All right.
Here we go, here we go.

So it was a real
Mexican standoff.

Donna broke up with me
because of Priscilla.

Then I broke up with Donna because
of her office's grievous clerical error.

This whole thing is so insane.

I know.
I have to rethink everything.

I do want to thank you, though,
for saving me.

Oh my God.
I'm so glad I still have a prostate.

- Of course, George.
- I guess I could sue, right?

But for what?
Loss of pubic hair?

Truth of the matter is
this is the best I've felt in years.

There's nothing like finding out
you don't have cancer.

This should happen more often.

Poor George Christiansen
when he finds out.

Oh my God.
I hadn't even considered that.

Well, I guess I could write him
a thank-you note.

Would that be appropriate?

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