All language subtitles for BoJack Horseman s03e11 Man.eng

[angelic music playing]

[harp playing]

[takes deep breath]

Good morning, morning.

[humming]

Good morning, sun.
Good morning, trees.

Good morning, busy buzzy bees.

Good morning, Sarah Lynn.
Good to see you, Sarah Lynn.

The tulips and chrysanthemums
are really coming in.

Good morning, handsome garden ants.

I like the way you plant my plants.

Your flowers make my feelings dance.
I like your handsome planter pants.

Goddamn it!
Why won't you--? [groans]

It's okay.

Sarah Lynn, you are calm,
you are thin.

Your skin is so soft, it's like you
murdered a baby and stole its skin.

Your skin is "murdered-baby" soft.

Okay.

Blueberry, goji berry, flax,

chia, shark fin, and... white rhino horn.

Sober, so good.

-[phone vibrating]
-Oh.

-BoJack?
-Hey, Sarah Lynn.

-You wanna party?
-Oh, thank God. Yes!

[grunting]

Okay, hand me the a?ai.

-Is that how you pronounce it?
-Who knows?

They should really just call them
"overpriced blueberries for douchebags."

-Ow.
-How's life?

-Well, the truth is that...
-Didn't catch that, but everything's cool?

No. In fact, I've never felt so alone--

Sorry, missed it!
You should learn to talk louder, dude!

Oh, hey, bummer about you
getting the nomination,

but then, it turning out
that you didn't get the nomination.

It was big news yesterday.

Yeah, I got royally screwed,
know who was there for me?

No one, because everyone's an asshole
and the whole world sucks balls.

-Anyway, thanks for having me over.
-I'm with you, man.

Everything sucks! Especially sobriety.
Why would I make my body a temple?

I've been to Temple.
Temple is super boring.

What do you say
we go on an epic bender?

Yes! Let's get higher
than a stilt walker's dick!

That's what I'm talking about.
Let's get some booze and drugs.

We can clear out my bank account.
I got nothing left I care about.

What do you mean "get"?
This whole house is booze and drugs.

-Here.
-Yogurt-covered raisins?

-Nope. Vicodin-covered Vicodin.
-Oh!

-LSD.
-Wow.

-Yah! Crystal meth.
-Ha-ha!

Ee-yah!
[snorting]

Cocaine-- No! That's drywall.

Ugh! Where the hell
did I hide the cocaine?

Oh, yeah, I also told
the liquor store to deliver.

[grunting]
To nine months of sobriety.

To life and being done with it!

[both laughing]

Okay, okay. What about this one?

Remember when Erika Eleniak

guest starred as Goober's cousin
from out of town,

and Brad had a boner
for the whole episode?

-What? No.
-You can totally see it in every scene.

Cold open, boner! Act one, boner!

Commercial break-- "Hello, we're from
the Wheaties corporation!" Back to boners!

Okay, we'll put it on the list.
We gotta watch that one.

What about the one where the writers
made Joelle dress up like a pumpkin,

and the whole episode was fat jokes,
so then Joelle got an eating disorder?

Everything was so much simpler back then.

She had to go to a clinic.
She missed, like, five episodes.

We didn't know how good we had it.

We got to come to work
and have fun every day,

and we weren't worried
about our legacy or awards.

...because buildings are supposed
to be rectangles, goddamn it!

Wait, what were we talking about?

We were talking about Horsin' Around.

Then, you had to go pee.

Then, you came back
covered in toilet paper

and pretended to be a mummy.

Then, you took it all off
because you decided Egypt was stupid,

especially pyramids,

because you think triangle buildings are,
and I quote, "gauche as shit."

That does sound like me,
but I don't remember any of that.

I must have blacked out.
Maybe I should lay off the alcohol for--

...and I said, "You're sitting
on the pizza, Mr. President."

-Whoa! I think I just had another one.
-Another what? Pizza?

No, blackout. The thing
we were just talking about.

-Try to keep up here.
-Oh...

Boom! Boner! Pay up!
What did I tell you?

That's not a boner. It's a shadow.

Well, I think we all learned
a valuable lesson today

about the Armenian genocide.

The Armenian genocide
was too much, man!

[audience laughing]

All right! Next episode.

Why can't life be like it was
on Horsin' Around?

All our issues conveniently settled
in 22 hilarious minutes.

You know, it's amazing
that it's legal for kids to be actors.

How is that not child labor?
I didn't know what I was signing up for.

-I was three.
-This is getting me depressed.

-Let's do something fun.
-Oh! Okay, you know what really kicks ass?

The planetarium!

You get crazy high in the parking lot,

then you go in and get your mind blown
by all the trippy galaxies and shit.

That sounds stupid.
I'm gonna be in charge of the fun.

[snorting]
No, no, no! That was drywall.

Jesus, we have to start
marking our drugs more clearly.

-Let's just take a box of whiskey and go.
-Whoo!

-[male voice] It was just so hard.
-Wha--? What the--?

I was stuck in a terrifying cycle
of drinking, lifting my head up,

drinking, lifting my head up,
drinking, lifting my head up.

Coffee, stale donuts, attention hogs
telling boring stories about themselves?

-Jesus! Are we at a 12-step meeting?
-Now, you're a detective?

Last night, you couldn't even solve
the mystery of where the toilet is.

So, all our partying was
an elaborate trick

just to get me to go sober?

No, Detective Pukes
in the Washing Machine.

You're here because I couldn't
leave you alone in my house,

and I had to come today.

Gotta get my nine-month chip.

Chip? We've been wasted for...
31 hours?

That's no reason for me
to not get my chip.

That's literally exactly the reason
you shouldn't get your chip.

Nowhere in the 12 steps
does it say to not drink.

That's not actually one of the steps.
Loophole.

Take a swig.

If you have to listen to losers talk
about their shitty sober lives,

it's a lot more fun to be buzzed.

And I realized people don't change
because they want to change.

They change because they have to change.

Oh, God. Boo!

Oh, booing is generally
frowned upon here.

How else am I supposed to express
how boring these stories are?

[speaking slowly]
My name is Simon and I'm an alcoholic.

[all]
Hi, Simon.

My rock bottom was
when I actually woke up under a rock.

Can't get lower than that.

Come on!
You people call yourself drunks?

Most of this is stuff I do
on a daily basis completely sober.

Trust me, pal,
we've done some awful things.

One time, I didn't want
my friend to move out,

so I used character actress Ann Dowd
to help me sabotage his hip-hopera.

Oh, please, that's baby stuff.

You so-called drunks want
something to feel shitty about?

-BoJack, maybe we should go.
-I got somethin' for ya. Whoa.

My name is BoJack.

[all]
Hi, BoJack.

Oh, like you didn't know?

Anyway, I once went all the way down
to New Mexico to see a woman that I knew,

and she had a young daughter, Penny.

Penny Carson. That's her real name.
You can look her up. I don't care.

And first, I tried to sleep
with the mom, but she said no.

-Then, I tried to sleep with the daughter.
-[all groaning]

Then, the mom walked in on me
trying to sleep with the daughter,

and I was like,
"Oopsie-doopsie! Exit stage right!"

Oh, God.

The worst part is, I don't even know
what happened after I left.

Did I ruin the family?
Did I scar that little girl for life?

I don't know. I'll never know.

And that's just, like,
one of a billion things

that I have going through my head
all the time.

So, anyone got a better story than that?

Wow.

Didn't think so, bitches.

Where's my trophy, or chip,
or whatever?

-[screams]
-[car horn honking]

-Whoa!
-[screams]

[tires squealing]

That was impressive, BoJack.

I've never seen them cancel an AA meeting
because everyone got bummed out before.

Uh, what are you talking about?

You told everyone about that Penny chick.

Then, you went on and on
about how you're never going to change.

Then, you chased the slug around,
threatening to pour salt on his head.

-I talked about Penny?
-Hey! We've all done shitty stuff before.

-[tires squealing]
-[loud crash]

Most of us aren't as proud of it
as you seem to be.

I'm not proud. I feel really terrible that
I might have really messed that girl up.

Oh, she's fine.
I looked her up on Facebook.

She's going to Oberlin,

likes Thai food and the smell of a fire
on the first really cold day of winter.

That doesn't mean anything.
Everyone likes the smell of fire

on the first cold day of winter.

You know, I used to feel just like you
before I got into this "12 steps" thing.

They taught me how to make amends.

You just say you're sorry
for the things you did

and you get a clean slate.

-So, what? Just dirty up the slate again.
-Then, you just make amends again.

It's a never-ending cycle,

where you always end up
feeling good about yourself.

-[man] No!
-You know what?

This may be the nitrous
and bath salts talking,

but I want to do some more
nitrous and bath salts.

-[tires squealing]
-[crash]

And then, let's make
some goddamn amends.

Maybe you should start with the family
whose playhouse you just smashed.

-[crying] Oh, no!
-Oh. Hey, kid!

I'm sorry your lame dad built
such a cheap-ass playhouse!

Yeah, you gotta use parallel joints
to support that foundation, dumbshit!

-Also, suck a dick!
-You know what? I do feel better.

-[laughing]
-[crying]

[doorbell ringing]

-I don't think they're home.
-So, we wait.

I need to make amends to Diane,
and we're not leaving until I do.

[sighs] But it's boring out here,
and I'm hungry and I'm bored!

I bet they have food inside.

Let's see if I still have
that spare key. Here it is.

-[grunts]
-Yes!

Okay, after we get food,

remind me that this is another thing
I need to make amends for.

[sighs, burps]

Where are those two?

They did not keep their fridge
stocked enough

for two stoned people
waiting around for hours.

It's only been, like, ten minutes.
You have a real thing with food.

That's what happens when you mix
the appetite of a horse

with the appetite of someone
with a hole inside him

that needs to be constantly filled
with attention, food, and sex.

-Pass the Bugles.
-There's no more Bugles.

There's no more of anything.
Let's just go.

-I can't leave until I make amends.
-[gasps] I got a idea!

My name is BoJack's friend What's-Her-Face
and I wear glasses.

Do you have something
to say to me, BoJack?

-Am I BoJack or Mr. Peanutbutter?
-You can be anyone you want.

This is your dream... dream... dream...

Stop doing that. We're both awake.
Let's just get to this.

Diane, I'm sorry
I said mean things to you.

That's cool. I forgive you.
Wait, would my character say that?

What's Diane's deal again?
She's, like, an Asian Daria?

-She's a little more complex.
-But she's basically Asian Daria, right?

With the glasses and the jacket
and her whole "blah" thing.

Okay, shut up.
Now, I'll be Mr. Peanutbutter

and you make amends to me.

Who's Mr. Peanutbutter?

And, now, you be Mr. Carolyn
and I'll be Princess Diana.

-Oh, yeah. Good idea.
-[both grunting]

Um... should we do something about this?

Hey, why don't you two
sleep this off in our guest room?

Oh, my God, that mirror is talking to us!

You can't stop us, us from the future!

-We're making amends, assholes!
-[screaming]

[both groan]

Ow! Come on!

-That felt so good!
-See?

When you make amends,
don't you just feel lighter?

Well, I also ate
a shit ton of Bugles, so no.

But I do feel like we got to the bottom
of who really killed Princess Di.

-It was all of us.
-Next stop, Todd!

Todd, I'm sorry. I want to take
full responsibility for what happened,

even though it is not my fault
and I did nothing wrong.

Emily is an adult woman
who can make her own choices.

And besides,
are you even really into girls?

-I mean, what is your deal?
-Uh...

-Hey, what are you doing with our son?
-Uh...

Wait, you're BoJack Horseman.

I am, and this is
my best buddy Todd. [grunts]

That movie star has really
taken a shine to our boy.

You think this is our big break?

You don't think he's inappropriately
interested, do you?

What? No. But if he is,
that could also be a big break.

I'm just saying.

-[groans]
-[stammering]

-Hey, wait!
-Hold on. Where are you going?

-Come back.
-You want to take Todd for a sleepover?

-Sleepover?
-No offense, Todd,

but your parents are creeping me out.

To the next amends!

[screaming]

[grunting]

-What do you want, BoJack?
-I don't know.

I'm very drunk and a little nauseous,

but if I'm here in your house,
it must be to make amends.

-Amends... for what?
-I don't know.

Whatever it is that you think I did
to make you disappear.

-BoJack--
-How could you leave me like that

when I needed you most?

I'm sorry, BoJack. I thought
you were a winner. I was wrong.

This is hard for me, too.
I staked my reputation--

No, this is not about the Oscar campaign.

How could you think
that this is about the Oscar campaign?

We had something more, didn't we?

-You've been drinking.
-Well, not just drinking.

[snorting]
Yes, Ana, I'm a mess.

Whoa! I am a broken,
screwed-up misfit toy,

and you act all in control,

but I know that, deep down,
you're broken, too.

And I don't know why you won't just
give us a chance to be broken together.

What about that doesn't appeal to you?

[sighs]

BoJack, when I was in college,
I had a job as a lifeguard...

Wait, did we just go to Ana's house?
Did I get closure?

If by "closure" you mean
I lit her ottoman on fire, then yes.

We gotta go back.

-What the hell?
-I know I was just here,

but I feel like you told me
some important story

that explained everything about us.

Unfortunately, I totally spaced it.

Gotta be honest.
I've had a couple beers.

Ugh! All right, I'll tell you again,
if it'll make you leave.

When I was a lifeguard, I...

-Oh, crud.
-You want to go back to Ana's, don't you?

I feel like I'll definitely
get it this time.

Lifeguard...

-One more time?
-No. This time I wrote it down.

"I'm a lifeguard. This woman's house
smells weird, or is that me?

Pay attention, Sarah Lynn.

Don't do that thing
where you write down your thoughts

instead of what the person
is actually saying.

I wonder if it's time to get
my boobs done again."

-Mm-hmm.
-[inhales] That's very helpful.

Thank you. Who's next?

I'm sorry!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

I'm sorry!

[sighs]

[door sliding closed]

Okay, so I know
I keep bothering you tonight.

Tonight? I haven't seen you
in two weeks.

Oh, really?

I just need to know what you were
trying to tell me about being a lifeguard,

and then, I'll leave
and you'll never see me again.

Mmm...

After I almost drowned, I decided
I would never again be weaker than water.

So, I became a lifeguard.

On my first day of training,
my instructor told me

that there are going to be times
when you'll see someone in trouble.

You're going to want to rush in there
and do whatever you can to save them,

but you have to stop yourself,

because there are some people
you can't save.

'Cause those people
will thrash and struggle

and try to take you down with them.

What does that have to do with me?

What the--?
Where the hell are we now?

-Ohi--
-Ojai?

-We drove all the way to Ojai?
-Let me finish.

Ohi, and here's the kicker... O.

-Ohio.
-We drove all the way to Ohio?!

I wanted to go to the planetarium,
but you demanded we come here.

You said you had to make
one more amend, to that Penny girl.

What? No! That is a terrible idea.

-Let's turn this car around right now.
-[tires squealing]

Uh...

-I feel we didn't turn the car around.
-No, we did,

but then, you turned it back around

because you really wanted
to find that deer girl,

so we decided to do a stakeout.

There was a whole makeover sequence,
where we went to the mall

and tried on different trench coats
for each other.

Do you not remember any of that?

This is insane.
I already scarred her for life.

If I see her again, I'll just end up
getting my horribleness all over her.

You think it's too late for me
to go to college?

I always wanted to be an architect.

But one of those architects,

where, at night,
she's a high-end call girl,

and, by day,
she's an international superspy.

-So, when is she an architect?
-I don't know. Frontier times?

No, I didn't mean what era.

If she's a call girl at night
and a spy during the day--

-Hey, look, Penny.
-Oh, God, what's she doing?

-Does she look emotionally damaged?
-She's just going to the computer.

She's probably in a sex chat room
with some middle-aged horse

because that's the only way
she can still feel love.

-Yeah, probably.
-Or she's so upset about what you did

that she's using the Internet
to find ways to commit suicide.

That makes even more sense.

All right, we've established
that you ruined her.

-Can we go back to L.A. now?
-Yes.

So... obviously, I wanted to keep
following Penny because I'm an idiot.

Let's just nip this in the bud.

I'm gonna write "Do not follow Penny"
on my hands

in the unlikely scenario
of my blacking out again.

I'll just write "Follow Penny"
on this hand,

and then, on this hand, I'll write...

-Goddamn it!
-What?

We're just doing what the hand said.

[groans]

-Uh, what?
-The hand demanded donuts.

-[gasps] There she is.
-She's drinking beer.

Oh, God, this is just like
the episode of Horsin' Around

when Olivia went to the frat party,

but Penny doesn't have a kind angel
played by Jose Canseco

to help her get out of this jam!

Ugh. Okay, now, I'm bored again.
Quit hoggin' the 'nocs.

She's just drinking Red Bull.
Wait. Now, she's leaving.

-[both gasp]
-Hey, look, it's the Obertones!

Love your sound, dudes!

-
Thank you

-
Thank you

She seems... fine.

Too fine, like she's hiding a dark secret
that's eating away at her soul.

Or, possibly... she's fine.

Maybe I didn't ruin her life.

Hey, you were a father figure,
who was sexually inappropriate to me,

and I turned out perfect.

-Now, can we please go home?
-Okay, good plan.

I'll just go pee out the last 20 beers.
Whoa. Look at me, walking good.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

[all screaming melodically]

No, no, no! Shush, shush.

-BoJack?
-Oh!

-What are you doing here?
-Hey, Penny!

-Did you come here to find me?
-No, I--

You can't be here.
I-I don't want to see you here.

I don't want to see you at all.
I was 17. I didn't know any better.

-I tried--
-You need to leave.

It's BoJack Horseman and Sarah Lynn!

-Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
-BoJack, we need to get out of here now.

Can I get a selfie and another selfie
if the first selfie doesn't look good?

-[overlapping chatter]
-BoJack, over here!

Penny, no.

Penny?

You know, on the plus side,
she really seemed okay.

Mm-hmm.

-Until she saw you and freaked out.
-[groans]

But she probably would have been
totally fine if you'd never shown up.

-Oh, God.
-I think the wound was completely healed

before you reopened it by showing up
unannounced at her college

and all the pain came
rushing back to her.

Oh, good Lord!

In a way, it's like
you destroyed her life twice.

-Will you please stop talking about it?
-Okay, fine.

Whoop.
[shivers]

Man, Ohio sucks!

Next time, could you almost molest
someone who lives in Hawaii?

You could be bummed out
at a luau right now.

Let's just go home.

-You got a bottle opener?
-Glove compartment.

Well, I'll be a dick sucked by a dumbshit!
What do we have here?

Oh, that? Turns out there's
a brand of heroin called BoJack.

Dude, that's a big freaking deal.

Getting a drug named after you
is cooler than getting an Oscar.

I mean, there's Billy Crystal Meth,
Angel Dustin Hoffman,

Lucille Eightball and now you.

It's a rarefied breed, man.
Congratulations!

-Thank you?
-Oh, we have to do BoJack!

-It's too perfect.
-I don't know.

There's that old saying.
"Liquor before beer, never fear.

Don't do heroin."

"I'm BoJack.
Please, put me inside you."

I'm not gonna shoot heroin
with you, Sarah Lynn.

We can snort heroin
like sophisticated adults.

Way ahead of you.

[both snorting, sighing]

[moaning]

Okay, thank you.
Happy Thanksgiving 2007.

Why did you just say what year it is?

I guess I just get nervous
talking to network executives.

This last episode got
the worst ratings yet.

I was afraid your character trying heroin
would be a bridge too far.

-Oh.
-And the disjointed blackout structure,

with the one flashback in the middle,
really confused our audience.

Yeah.

They hated all
the fourth-wall-breaking meta jokes.

Of course. Audiences hate meta jokes.
When will comedy writers learn?

BoJack, I know there is an audience
out there for our show.

We just need to find a way
to get more people to check us out.

I know what you're thinking--
Full frontal.

I was thinking guest star.

We need a celebrity who
is incredibly popular right now, like--

-Oh, what about Sarah Lynn?
-Ooh, that's genius!

Sarah Lynn? I don't know.
I haven't spoken to her in years.

Besides, she's not gonna
want to do this.

She's the world's biggest pop star.

She's the only hope we have
to keep this show alive.

Would you ask her?
I'm sure she'd do it for you.

You're like a father to her.

[screams, groans]

[moaning]

-So, what is it?
-What is what?

You were mumbling about
how you had to ask me something.

Oh! Um, never mind. Hey, how long
have we known each other?

-Feels like our entire lives.
-Well, my entire life, pretty much.

We were on a TV show.
Isn't that insane?

Yeah, it's pretty wild.

You know, sometimes it feels like you're
the only one who really understands me,

because how could anyone else?

Nobody knows what we went through,
nobody who wasn't on that show.

But we knew each other
before we were anybody,

and that's how we can be friends,
because we're not like those other people.

The people who glom onto you
because of who they think you are,

and they think they can sleep
on your couch and eat your food.

They think you're gonna
save their agency.

I never asked for that kind of pressure,

but you and me, we don't want
anything from each other.

You know, I... I could never
figure out what love meant,

but, right now, I don't need
to figure out anything.

I just feel it.
I love you, Sarah Lynn.

-[siren blaring in distance]
-Sarah Lynn?

-Sarah Lynn?
-What?

-Oh, my God! Thank God you're okay!
-I'm not okay. I'm bored.

This hotel room is boring!

[sighs]
What's on TV?

-[gasps] The Oscars are on.
-Really?

-How long have we been on this bender?
-I love the Oscars.

The red carpet, the fashion,

all the magic of Hollywoo
wrapped up in one exciting night.

And the winner
for Best Original Song is...

"The Silly Banana Song (Love Theme)"

from The Nazi Who Played Yahtzee
by Sarah Lynn.

Get your ass up here, girl.

[screams] I won! Oh, my God!
I forgot I was even nominated.

I accept this on her behalf.

And if you're watching this,
Sarah Lynn,

wherever you are,
please come home.

[exhales sharply]

Oh, man, I should have been there.

When I was a kid,
if you'd told me I'd win an Oscar,

I'd never have believed it.

And, now, I've done it and...

BoJack... I don't...

like anything about me.

-Hey.
-None of this is me.

These boobs aren't me.

-This house isn't me.
-We're not at your house right now.

The only reason I wear this shirt

is because some company
paid me $8,000 to wear it.

And I don't even need the money.

[scoffs] I just liked that someone
still wanted me to wear their shirt.

Hey, hey, hey, it's okay.
Everything's gonna be okay.

What am I supposed to do?
I don't know what to do.

Am I doomed? Are you doomed?
Are we all doomed?

No, no! Calm down. Nobody is doomed.

And I'll tell you what we're gonna do.
We're gonna go to the planetarium.

Really?

[man] Our solar system formed
about four and a half billion years ago...

-Isn't this place amazing?
-Totally.

I always forget that there are
more than just the six stars

you can see in the Los Angeles sky.

Yeah, that's cool, too,
but I meant this building.

It's a giant dome.
Domes are so cool.

I prefer rectangular buildings,
as I firmly established.

[yawns]
I wanna be an architect.

[man] ...be it horse, cat, human,
or even lizard,

our lives are but the briefest flashes

in a universe
that is billions of years old.

See, Sarah Lynn, we're not doomed.

In the great grand scheme of things,
we're just tiny specks

that will one day be forgotten.

So, it doesn't matter what we did
in the past, or how we'll be remembered.

The only thing that matters
is right now, this moment,

this one spectacular moment
we are sharing together.

Right, Sarah Lynn?

Sarah Lynn?

Sarah Lynn?

-
I'm BoJack the Horseman

Boxer vs. Raptor,

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