All language subtitles for BoJack Horseman s03e10.eng

[female announcer]
Ladies and gentlemen,

to announce
this year's Oscar nominees...

Mr. Peanutbutter!

Mr. Peanutbutter!

Mr. Peanutbutter?

Hello! Here I am, Mr. Peanutbutter.

That's my name and I am here.

Okay, the nominees.
Nominees for Oscar.

Who are the nominees?

Well, as I used to say
on Hollywoo Stars and Celebrities:

What Do They Know?
Do They Know Things? Let's Find Out,

let's find out.

For Best Actor, the nominees are:

Jurj Clooners
for The Nazi Who Played Yahtzee.

Bread Poot for City of AIDS.

Colin Firth for First Things Firth:

The Colin Firth Story.

Michael Fassbender for...
I want to say Bill Gates?

And BoJack Horseman for Secretariat.

Whoa.

BoJack, you just got nominated
for an Oscar.

You're an Oscar nominee.
How do you feel?

[chuckles]
I feel...

I-I feel...

I feel...

the same.

[funky electronic music]

It happened again. Why do I keep
thinking things will make me happy?

-What is wrong with me?
-BoJack, don't do this.

-Don't fetishize your own sadness.
-Uh... Oh, God, I'm drowning.

-I feel like I'm drowning.
-BoJack, listen.

When I was 17,
I snuck out to a fraternity party.

The roads were icy
and I swerved into the lake.

I came to underwater.

It was dark and cold,
and I didn't even know which way was up.

I thought for sure I was going to drown.

And then... I noticed...

when I opened my mouth,
the air bubbles floated up,

and that's how I knew
which way to swim.

That is a terrifying story.

BoJack, when you find yourself lost
and disoriented and underwater

and you don't know which way is up,

it's important to breathe.

I don't deserve this.
I'm not a best actor.

Awards aren't about who's best, BoJack.

That's literally the only thing
they're about.

No. All this means is that
you're one of the special people.

I saw it the first time I met you.
You must have known it all your life.

And all your life, people told you
that you were wrong,

that you weren't special,
that you were just like everybody else.

But now, the special people are saying,
"You were right, BoJack. You were right."

I was right.
I am one of the special people.

-Yes.
-What are we doing just sitting here?

I just got nominated for an Oscar.

We gotta party like it's 1982,
the year Prince released 1999.

[dance music playing]

[man]
Whoo-hoo!

[music stops]

-[music resumes]
-[people cheering]

[doorbell rings]

BoJack, your complimentary Rolex is here.

[doorbell rings]

BoJack, giant chocolate Oscar's here.

Famous DJ David Gu-etta is at the door.

Free Tesla's here, Boj. They want to know
if they can park it in your driveway.

-[music stops]
-No.

Tell them I want my free Tesla parked
in my goddamn living room. I'm BoJack!

-[music resumes]
-[people cheering]

Yeah, now we're doing it!
Look at us partying.

[doorbell rings]

BoJack, you got another delivery.
Someone sent a... nerd?

Hi.

You get a load
of this chili cheese fountain?

-Grab a handful of beans and go to town.
-Hey, this is all really something.

But I actually just came
because I heard about the nomination

and I wanted to make sure you're okay.

That's a funny way
of saying congratulations.

But not funny "ha-ha",
more like funny Doonesbury.

I know how this kind of thing
can sometimes send you spinning.

"Oh, God, why doesn't this make me happy?
Will anything make me happy?

I'm an empty husk." That kind of thing.

Well, thank you for that,
but I'm actually doing great.

I direct your attention to
the aforementioned chili cheese fountain!

It's too bad I'm not managing
your social campaign anymore,

because this party would make
a great Snapchat story.

You are not gonna make me guilty
about leaving Princess Carolyn.

I'm not here to make you feel guilty.
Like I said--

Honestly, I don't even know
what you're doing over there.

-Tweeting for celebrities?
-Well, actually, I don't--

When I met you, you were
so cool and interesting--

Uh, I was never cool.

You used to actually care about shit.
What happened?

I don't know, BoJack.
Maybe caring about shit got old.

Maybe I'm tired of everyone yelling at me
and sending death threats to my house,

and all my friends thinking I'm annoying,
and getting in fights with my husband,

and seeing little refugee boys
die in hospital bombings.

It's exhausting and I can't do it.
If that makes me a bad person,

then I'm sorry that I'm not
the "cool, interesting girl."

I never said you were a bad person.
I just said it's not you.

And you know it's not you.

Oh, and this party is you?
Who are all these people?

-These are my friends.
-Name one of them.

-Tes-ley.
-You're just looking at the Tesla.

I don't know why it's so hard for you
to believe that I could be happy.

I'm not like you, okay?

-I don't fetishize my own sadness.
-I don't fetishize my own sadness.

-Sure.
-You don't know anything about me.

[BoJack]
Hey!

I know that you can tweet for a living

in a house in Beverly Hills
that your husband bought,

or you can think you're better
than everyone, but you can't do both.

-I don't think I'm better than everyone.
-And again, I say, sure.

You know what's gonna happen?

You're gonna win that Oscar,
and you're gonna go up on that stage

and give your little speech,
and then you're gonna go home.

And you're gonna be so miserable,
you'll want to kill yourself.

And you're gonna have nobody left
to stop you.

-Hey, it's BoJack!
-[all cheering]

[chanting]
BoJack! BoJack!

No one's gonna be there
when I kill myself?

-Listen to that chanting, Diane.
-[all chanting]

The chanting don't lie.

There's going to be plenty
of people around when I kill myself.

[all]
BoJack!

Tell your readers
that BoJack was sleeping.

He didn't even know
they were announced today.

Okay. Goodbye, Heather.

-Hey, Ana, can I ask you something?
-Of course, darling.

-So, if I win the Oscar--
-"When" you win the Oscar.

Right. But after that,
what's gonna happen to us?

-What do you mean?
-What we have.

It's more than
just an Oscar campaign, right?

-I need to go.
-What?

There's work to be done.

We got the nomination,
but now, the real battle begins.

Enjoy your party.
Stop worrying about the future.

-[dance music playing]
-[people cheering]

[horn honking repeatedly]

[tires squealing]

Come on, buddy! Come on!

-[blowing]
-[coughing]

-Mr. Peanutbutter!
-Thank God you're okay.

Better than okay. I'm wonderful.

Thanks to you, you wonderful man.

When you said my name this morning,
you changed my life.

-About that--
-Hey, did you see Erica here?

She was looking for you earlier,
with her good eye.

Her other eye was looking to the stars.

-BoJack, I need to talk to you.
-Yeah? What's going on, buddy?

Well, I've got good news
and I've got bad news.

[cawing]

[coughing, clears throat]

Raven on a wire.
A gloomy portent, precariously perched.

And, as the sun sets,
so does it spread its deathly shadow

across the just and unjust
of the outdoor seating area

of the California Pizza Kitchen.

Mm-hmm! And what better way
to view such disquieting omens

than through these gorgeous
floor-to-ceiling windows?

Yeah. Wow! They really make
regular windows look like shit.

I can't look out the window
while lying on the floor?

-No, thank you, regular window!
-Tell me a little about your company.

Well, it started as a safe space
for women.

Ooh!

Then, it became a safe space
for women and men.

Oh!

Now, it's more
of a safe-ish space for women...

Mm-hmm.

...and a really safe space
for men to look at women...

I hear you.

...while also being driven around by them.

-Wow! Something for everyone.
-Demand is skyrocketing.

That's why we need a bigger office space.

You come to work, clock in,

you put sugar in your coffee,

and watch it slowly disappear
into nothingness.

But the sugar doesn't know why.
Sugar didn't ask to be born.

Is he okay?

He recently found out
that his brother's sick.

Oh. I'm so sorry,
but you know what else is sick?

-These hardwood floors.
-Ooh!

Did you hear that, Mr. Peanutbutter?

[sighs]

Losing BoJack was a blow.
There's no way to sugarcoat it,

even if I were generally good
at sugarcoating things, which I'm not.

[sighs] You know, I wish
cats really did have nine lives.

It would make me feel better
about how much I'm screwing up this one.

You're not screwing up your life.

Sometimes I feel like,
if I could start everything over,

knowing what I know now,
I'd do it all right this time.

But other times I think...
[sighs]

No, I wouldn't.

As you all know, things have been rough,

and, unfortunately,
we have to scale back our staff.

-Mainly, you.
-Are you firing me?

In a sense, yes.

But, in another sense,
I'm promoting you

to a position of finding a job
somewhere else.

Yeah. I don't think I ever thanked you
for giving me this job in the first place.

It was an honor to work with you.

You were the worst social media
coordinator this company ever had.

Are you sure you need surgery?
Can't you get a second opinion?

Second opinion? You know
there's only one doctor on the Peninsula.

I could ask him twice
if it'd make you feel better.

Nothing could make me
feel better right now.

Not even an amazing career opportunity.
Hold on, I'm getting another call.

I've got to take this. It could be
an amazing career opportunity. Hello?

[German accent]
Mr. Peanutbutter, this is Shep Von Trapp,

awards show producer,

with a career opportunity

that is... good.

This isn't a great time, Shep.
Could you call back?

Absolutely... not.

The Oscar nomination announcement
is in seven days and we don't have a host.

Sadly, Jimmy Fallon just broke his face.

What? Halloween in January?

What a crazy concept! I can't believe it!

I mean, what is this?
Barry Gibb would be like...

No. First, I gotta get a selfie
with this thing.

- I'm Jimmy Fallon--
-[horn honking]

Und you are our first choice

after our first "first choice"
got hit by a bus.

You're our second "first choice."
What do you say?

Ooh, a job like that? You want
a fully present presenter to present.

And I don't know
if I've got the pep in my step

to take that show
where it needs to go, you know?

I've got a real pepless step, Shep.

Okay, well, let me know,
because if you don't want to do it,

we'll probably just post the list
of nominees online or something.

It's really not that big of a deal.

Hey, sorry about that.
Just got a call from the Oscars.

-They want me to host--
-They want you to host the Oscars?

Nomination announcement.

But I don't think
I have it in me right now.

Are you kidding?
You gotta take that gig.

-Really?
-Mr. Peanutbutter...

what did Nana Peanutbutter always say?

[both] "Always take every opportunity
that comes your way

because opportunities
are like sneezes from God,

and when God sneezes,
you can't say 'God bless you' to God,

so instead you have
to take the opportunity.

I'm cold. Will you pass me that blanket?"

Boy, that old gal had something
for everything, didn't she?

I know you're worried about me,

but sitting around the house worrying
isn't going to help anyone.

Okay, but you'll call me
when you get out of the surgery, right?

I'm not gonna let my phone leave my sight.

Of course. And now,
I've got something new to live for.

My little brother, telling the whole world
who got an Oscar!

Nomination.

We are minutes away.
Shep, release the envelope.

Copy that. Releasing the envelope.

It's go time.

It's go time.

-Are you ready, Brother Pricewater?
-Of course, Brother Housecoopers.

Mr. Peanutbutter,
we'd like to invite you to the stage.

It's here! The golden envelope.

-Hmm...
-Herr Peanutbutter?

Okay. Oh, my phone.
What should I do with it, Todd?

-Maybe you should hold it.
-Uh-huh.

-No, I'll take it with me.
-All right.

-No, you hold it.
-Sure thing, yeah.

-No, put it in my jacket pocket.
-Right here. Okay.

Oh, no, it's a fake pocket.
Tricked again!

-[ringtone playing]
-Todd, it's ringing. This is it.

Oh, no, my phone!

Oh, no, I kicked it, right through
that doorway into the hallway!

Now, other people are kicking it
and it's sliding across the floor!

-Okay, this is getting absurd.
-Let's get that phone!

Mr. Peanutbutter,
you have been invited to the stage!

[funk music playing]

-
Who's that dog?

-Excuse me!
-Hey!

-
Trying to catch a...

Sorry. If you could just-- My phone!

[Todd]
I'm coming to get you!

-
He's a dirty dog

-
He's just trying to do his job

-That way!
-[dog howling]

Come on, phone. Just stop!

-
Who's that dog?

[sighs]

[ringtone playing]

-Hello?
-Mr. Peanutbutter.

I just, um... I wanted to give you
a chance to say goodbye...

-Oh, no.
-...to my twisted spleen.

Because it was successfully removed
from my body!

Oh, my God, that's incredible!

Now, get out there
and announce those Oscars!

Nominations. You got it, buddy.

Okay. Now, where's the... the...

Uh-oh. Could've sworn it was right here.

-Oh!
-[panting]

Oh! There you are.
You need to get on stage.

Yes, just as soon as you give me that
backup envelope, please and por favor.

What back-up envelope?
There is no back-up envelope.

That was a test and you passed.

Wunderbar.
Now, let's get you out there.

Yes, gotta get out there, on to the stage,
to announce the nominations.

Just as soon as I--
Oh, my God, is that Bradley Cooper?

Bradley Cooper?
We love him for some reason.

-Where?
-Let's go, Todd.

-Oh, God, what do we do?
-It's okay.

We just need to come up
with all the nominees ourselves.

But I haven't even seen all the movies.

Todd, nobody has.
That's not how they give out awards.

-But--
-Time for talk is over.

Now's the time for action.

And by "action," I mean
talking about these 24 categories

until we've settled on a list of nominees.

You need to tell me right now,
are you in or out?

Well, when you put it that way,

I guess you can call me
high-waisted denim,

because, right now, I am very in.

Let's do this.

What did you think of Frieda Pinto?

Are you kidding me?
Anybody could do what she did.

"Don't take my baby.
I'll give you all my Bitcoins!"

Wow. That is good.

Okay, for Best Picture,
what about Avatar?

-That was a good movie.
-True, but did that come out this year?

-I feel like I just saw it.
-Well, there's no way to know for sure.

Let's just throw it on the list.

Ooh, do we have Daniel Day-Lewis
down for anything? He's always there.

Good catch! I'll add him.

Daniel Day-Lewis.

Okay. We need one more nominee
for Best Actor. Oh, what about BoJack?

His performance in Secretariat
was as thoughtful and self-aware

as we've ever seen him.

-Besides, he's our friend.
-Is he?

Whoa! I am surprised to hear
you say that, Todd Chavez.

-Let's dig into that. We have time.
-I don't think we do.

You're supposed to be
announcing these, like, now.

There is always time
to talk about our feelings.

As my Nana Peanutbutter used to say,

"There's always time
to talk about feelings,

because feelings
are the ceilings of our hearts,

and a leaky feeling ceiling
leads to a flood of blood.

And I'm cold.
Will you pass me that blanket?"

Well, I guess I'm just tired
of BoJack walking all over everybody

and still getting everything he wants.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. I think
the important thing to remember here

is that BoJack is a damaged individual,

struggling against a sea of demons,
many self-created, but still all too real.

Getting this nomination
from the two friends he loves the most--

you and also me--
would really mean a lot to him.

[sighs]
Okay.

But did you really think
he was that good in the movie?

Oh, I haven't seen it. It seemed long.

And the final nominee
for Best Picture is Avatar.

Well, those are all the nominations.
I will not be taking any questions.

Goodbye. I must go.

[audience clamoring]

I gotta say, we picked
some top-notch noms.

You know it!

Boy, was I glad when we got
out of that theater, though.

I know. So many questions.

"Oh, what the hell happened?

Why were you reading off that napkin?
Why are you guys running?"

They have their nominees.
What more could they want?

You know what's crazy?
We saved the day today,

and no one will ever even know.

-Hey, we'll know.
-[doorbell rings]

Mr. Peanutbutter, we know what you did.

Oh, boy.

So, the good news is,
my brother's surgery was a success.

And the bad news is,
you're not nominated for an Oscar.

And the other good news is...

[voice fading out]
...that each breath is a gift

and it is a joy to live.

-What?
-We are so lucky we get to be alive.

-No, before that.
-Oh, I didn't tell you.

-My brother's been sick.
-No, I don't care about your brother.

First of all, manners.

Second of all, I think if you met him,
you'd actually really hit it off.

Imagine me but with less
"in your face" cool guy attitude.

Did you say I'm not nominated
for an Oscar?

Oh...

A lot of people are mighty steamed,

but I feel like what everyone's
overlooking here is,

I got most of the categories dead-on.

That's pretty amazing, and I am not
getting enough credit for that.

Did you know
that Avatar came out in 2009?

-I'm not nominated for an Oscar.
-No.

But you know what they say.
"It's an honor just to be nominated."

Oh, wait.

So, I'm just like everybody else.

I know you're upset, but whatever you do,
please don't get mad at Todd.

-Why would I get mad at Todd?
-Exactly. This is totally my fault.

-He didn't even want to nominate you.
-What?

With the gift of hindsight,

I see now how that might have
made you even more upset.

But I realized something today,
when my brother called from the hospital,

and I think it's gonna
make you feel a lot better.

-What? What is it?
-None of this matters.

Okay, I'll see you later, buddy.

[whistling]

[inaudible dialogue]

As a partner in the company,

I am prepared to forgo my salary
for the next three months,

but even then, we're going
to need some sort of miracle.

What are we doing?
What was the point of any of this?

I wasted everyone's time for six months.

Soon, I'll get some offer
from one of the big five agencies

that I can't say no to,

and I'll go back to being another cog

in the giant Play-Doh spaghetti maker
that is this industry.

-Is that the best I can hope for?
-Not necessarily.

Although, there is one thing
I should probably mention.

What is it, Judah?

Maybe this is an opportunity
to live one of your other eight lives.

Yeah, maybe.

It's been a pleasure
working with you, Judah.

I found it to be
an above average experience.

Please forgive me for getting emotional.

[sighs]

[Southern accent]
Rye, wheat, or sourdough?

Can I get it on stale?

And then, he said,
I fetishize my own sadness.

[laughing] What did you think was
gonna happen? Why did you go there?

I don't know.

-Did you ask for water?
-No.

They're not supposed to give us water
unless we ask.

-Don't they know there's a drought?
-You want to send the water back?

No, I want the water. I just...

I went to BoJack's house
to congratulate him.

I'm not trying to pick fights.

Well, you don't have to see him at all
if you don't want to.

It's not like you work for him anymore.

-Is he right? Am I a bad person?
-Who cares what he thinks?

Why do you have
this weird fixation with him?

I do not have a fixation, Roxy.
I worry about him.

Okay. And last year?

When you came back from Cordovia
and needed a place to crash?

Oh, you could have stayed with me,
or any of your other friends,

but you went right to his house.

Did you ever ask yourself why?

They're filling everyone's glasses.
This is insane.

Oh, my God. What do you care?

Hey, excuse me? Excuse me?

Do you know you're breaking the law
by giving everybody water?

It's okay. I want the water.

Yeah, we all want water.
That's not the point.

In the state of California,
it is illegal for a restaurant

to serve people water
before they ask for it.

There is a drought.

Sit down! We're thirsty!

[scoffs] You know,
this is what's wrong with society.

Diane...

Nobody thinks about the world
outside themselves.

So, how you doing?
You still working at that place?

[line ringing]

-Hello?
-Hi, Ralph. It's Princess Carolyn.

Oh, my God, Princess Carolyn,
I never thought I'd hear from you again.

I might have some free time coming up.

I was wondering
if you might want to get a drink.

Okay. So, the night I met you after I said
goodbye, the craziest thing happened.

Okay?

I was walking back to my car,
when all of a sudden,

-this woman...
-[Carolyn] Oh.

...tripped on a cobblestone,
twisted her ankle,

-and tumbled into my arms.
-[Carolyn] What?

Turns out, she was a ballerina,
and she didn't speak a word of English.

So, I rushed her to the hospital,
and long story short, we eloped.

-[Carolyn] Oh.
-I moved to Russia,

and I'm totally messing with you.

-None of that's true.
-What?

I would love to see you again.
I think about you all the time.

-Really? [chuckles]
-Yeah. How about this Saturday?

It's a date.

-[metal clattering]
-Ana?

Uh, no, it's just me,
giant chocolate Oscar guy.

I'm here to pick up
the giant chocolate Oscar.

My boss really wants our product
to only be seen with real Oscar nominees.

You know, to maintain the integrity
of the giant chocolate Oscar.

I don't care. Take it.

You've reached Ana Spanakopita.

How did you get this number?
Explain yourself.

-[line beeps]
-Ana, this is the fourth time I've called.

Please call me back. I need you.

Ana, please.
This is BoJack, by the way. Horseman.

Hey! Todd! Where you been?

-Oh, hi.
-You were in Ojai?

-No, I was just saying hi.
-Well, why not go to Ojai, huh?

You and me?
I could use an escape, couldn't you?

It's not really a good time.

Todd, I need this.
You're my best friend and I need you.

Don't leave me now.
Don't be like everybody else.

I'm not leaving you. I just--

Besides, I think you owe me, right?
After what you did?

-What I did?
-Come on, Todd. I know.

-Mr. Peanutbutter told me everything.
-Everything?

Even told you, when I was a kid, I used
to bang on my butt like a bongo drum

-when I got out of the bath?
-What?

Mm, no, not-not about that.

So, he didn't tell you everything.

Did he tell you about the time
I counted to a million?

One, two, three, four, five, six--

-No, stop.
-But I was just getting to the good part!

What? Seven? He told me you didn't want
to nominate me for an Oscar.

-Oh, that.
-What the hell, man?

-After everything I've done for you?
-What are you talking about?

Oh, I don't know. Letting you live here
for free for six years?

Giving you food, indulging you
in your little projects and adventures

and stories about how you used to bang
on your butt like a bongo drum?

I let you turn my house

into your company's headquarters
for the last month.

Yeah, but that's not
because you're my friend.

-That's because you felt bad about Emily.
-You know about Emily?

I think I know.
Why? What do you think I know?

I mean, I know what I think,

but I don't know if the thing that I think
is the thing that you think I know.

-You know?
-So, you know I had sex with Emily.

You had sex with Emily?!

-Well, what did you think?
-I don't know! Not that!

I just knew something sketchy happened.

I thought maybe you gave her
one of your weird monologues

about how sad you are,

and it bummed her out!

Todd, I'm sorry, all right?
I screwed up.

-I know I screwed up. I don't know why--
-Oh, great! Of course! Here it comes!

You can't keep doing this!

You can't keep doing shitty things,
and then feel bad about yourself

like that makes it okay!

You need to be better!

I know. And I'm sorry, okay?

I was drunk, and there was all this
pressure with the Oscar campaign.

-But now-- Now that it's over, I--
-No! No, BoJack, just stop.

You are all the things
that are wrong with you.

It's not the alcohol, or the drugs,

or any of the shitty things
that happened to you in your career,

or when you were a kid.

It's you.

All right? It's you.

Fuck, man.
What else is there to say?

-
I'm BoJack the Horseman

Boxer vs. Raptor,

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