All language subtitles for BoJack Horseman s03e06 Pew.eng

...fucker!

-So, we have some options.
-Yeah, a lot of options to discuss.

-You know I love you.
-That's not what this is about.

We always agreed
we didn't want kids, unless--

A streetwise but soulful teen
needed somewhere to live

as he waited
for his Juilliard audition.

We'd support his dancing and let him
stay in the guest room, right.

-But a baby? Are you--?
-It's not about me.

There's no "I" in uterus,
there's only "us."

And "U," and another "U,"

but that's the "U" that's in "us,"
so I already said that "U."

The point is,
I'm going to be here for you, 24/7.

Two hundred and forty-seven percent,
that's how "there for you" I'll be.

-Whatever you decide...
-What we decide, because this is--

Definitely. This is a conversation.

Let's both say what we want
at the same time on three.

-Okay.
-One, two--

On three or after three?

How could I say it "on three"?
I'll be saying "three."

-Okay. Okay.
-One, two, three...

-Abortion.
-Get an abortion.

Oh, no. We said different things.

[funky electronic music]

[host]
The Oscar race is heating up,

and all the hot stars
came out to sizzle

at the Golden Snowflake Awards.

Step one on the 48 awards show gauntlet
that is The Exhausting Road To Oscar.

[presenter] The nominees for best actor
in a motion picture or Vine are...

Mitt Dermon for Midnight Hole...

Bread Poot for City Of AIDS...

Lernernerner DiCarpricorn
for The Haberdasher's Peanut...

Jurj Clooners
for The Nazi Who Played Yahtzee...

and BoJack Horseman for Secretariat.

Oh, my God.

And the Golden Snowflake is...
Jurj Clooners.

-Oh, my goodness.
-[cheering]

You have to be kidding me.

Don't worry,
they'll call your name next time.

My clients have won Oscars
nine out of the last ten years.

Nine out of ten?

If you were an airline
and landed nine out of ten planes,

you wouldn't exactly brag about that
in your commercial.

Everyone loves Secretariat.
Your time will come.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have
to go tell A.O. Scott how great you are.

[yelling]
Hey, yo, Scott!

Hey, Diane.

-Diane, Diane, Diane.
-I'm doing my job, BoJack.

Young people and their phones.

There could be a beautiful rainbow
in this room right now

and you would have no idea.

Really makes you think, huh?

Can you look at rainbows on your phone?

Shut up, BoJack.

-[phone pinging]
-Shit.

I just tweeted "Shut up, BoJack,"
as Cynthia Nixon.

I'd buy it. She is not a fan,
and for good reason.

-We were up in the Poconos, she and I...
-BoJack, not now.

-What's up your butt tonight?
-You really wanna know?

I would seriously like to know
what crawled up your butt,

made a home for itself in your butt,

started a family, lived a fruitful life,
and then died up your butt.

I'm getting an abortion.

Whoa, that takes me back.

I had more than my share of abortions
in the '90s.

I didn't get them, I paid for them.

I really hope all those women
actually got the abortions,

and didn't just keep my money.

Diane, are you tweeting for pop starlet
Sextina Aquafina right now?

I'm trying to. Why?

Because her account
just tweeted out to 40 million followers,

"I'm getting an abortion."

What? No--

She--

Oh, balls.

The tweet heard round the world.

Sextina Aquafina says,
"I'm getting an abortion."

And the world says, "Whaaa?"

If it's happening,
we're gonna talk about it.

It's time for Tom's Rant.

Is Twitter an appropriate forum

to be discussing a sensitive issue
like abortion?

Wouldn't a better forum be nowhere?

Wait, does that say "Tom Srant"?
Why does that say Tom Srant?

I clearly said--

Randy, don't look at Jessica.
This is on you.

Diane, VIM is hanging on by a thread
and only barely scraping by

because of clients like Sextina.

Hey! Heard you pulled the trigger
on the Big Bear condo.

Great investment.
We are not on the edge of complete ruin.

We are on the edge of complete ruin.

I think if I explain it to her
and apologize, she'll understand.

Because she's so understanding?
This is a teenage pop star.

Literally the two least
compassionate entities

combined into the supernova
of not understanding

-that is Sextina Aquafina.
-[elevator dings]

Ugh. So imagine my surprise

when I'm in the middle of a performance
for Gaddafi's cousin on his yacht

and I'm in a giant champagne flute
singing "Left Titty"

and everyone starts to look
at their phones and look at me,

because I am apparently aborting a baby
I do not have.

So I had them turn their boat into a car
and drive me here to fire someone.

-I think that's me.
-Great. You're fired, Glasses.

[background]
Sextina!

I'll put out a statement
explaining the whole mess. I am so sorry.

Oh. Oh!

What "oh?" Who said you could "Oh?"

Taylor Swift just tweeted
that you were "brave."

Nicki Minaj tweeted at you
a face with heart eyes.

And BuzzFeed just posted a list
of top 15 celebrities

who should have had abortions
like Sextina.

-You're trending like crazy.
-I'm trending?

Most women who go through this
never talk about it

because it's so stigmatized.

The fact that you're coming out like this
is huge.

It would be, if you were
actually getting an abortion.

So what you're saying is,
maybe I am getting an abortion?

Well, no, because you're not.

Yeah, but if you did,
this would make you a cultural icon.

Glasses, you're un-fired.
I'm getting an abortion.

-Well...
-I gotta go on talk shows.

If I can make one woman
feel a little less alone,

then it's all worth it, right?

Yeah...

And if I can make a million women
buy my album,

then it's definitely all worth it.

Um...

-Diane, take the yes.
-Okay.

Sextina Aquafina, you are now the face
of the pro-choice movement.

-Now let's get you informed.
-Hey! Uh, what?

[crowd chattering]

So, before the procedure,

you'll need to look at an ultrasound
and listen to the heartbeat.

Or heartbeats, if you're having a litter.

Why does she have to listen
to the heartbeat?

It's the law. Also, by law,
I have to tell you that at one month,

your puppies have a favorite color
and that color may be blue.

-That can't be true.
-By law, I have to tell you that.

Also, before your procedure,

you'll need to watch
20 hours of cute puppy videos

as Sarah McLachlan's
"I Will Remember You" plays softly.

Don't worry, Diane, I will watch
the cute puppy videos for you.

-It's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.
-No, she has to watch the videos.

Don't worry, Diane, we will watch
the cute puppy videos together.

-No, she has to watch them alone.
-Diane, I have some terrible news.

Tomorrow, our exclusive interview
with the irrepressible provocateuse

Sextina Aquafina.

But first, one thing that isn't
being aborted: the road to Oscar.

Tonight, the Leonard Maltin Awards.

Handing out trophies
to all the performances this year

that Leonard Maltin thought
were pretty good.

And the Malty for Pretty Good Actor
goes to Bread Poot.

-[applause]
-Whoo!

[screaming]

[sighing]

You need another drink?

Why? Because I lost, I'm a loser,
so I have to drown my sorrows in scotch?

No, I just meant because of thirst.

I could use a scotch.

Oh, look. Jurj Clooners.

-[cameras clicking]
-There he is, Jurj Clooners.

Hey, how are you? Thank you.

Jurj sucks.
What does everyone love about him?

He's not a god.
He's just an old guy who loves pranks.

Sure sounds like God.

-Jurj, hey, man.
-BoJack, right?

Yeah, good to see you.

Hey, Jurj, my name's Todd,
and my friend Keith sleeps on your couch.

Oh, you know Keith?
Tell him to clean up his shit.

-[both laughing]
-Oh.

That is so Keith.

Todd, why don't you do the grown-ups
a favor and go find your own shadow?

It was here a second ago.

Jurj, I loved you
in The Nazi Who Played Yahtzee.

How do you get in the head
of a war criminal?

You know,
I don't think of him as a war criminal.

I just think of him as a person
who had a funny accent.

Totally. I think I'm getting
the hang of all this now.

You won last night, the other guy
won tonight, maybe I'll win next time.

Yikes.
Look, man, you're not gonna be next.

This will sound dumb
coming out of my mouth, but it's true.

So Jurj, Bread, Mitt, those are names.
Like real names.

Lernernerner DiCarpricorn, that's a name.

-BoJack, not a name.
-Huh.

I figured they would, like,
tell you this stuff.

You're the Fifth Man. You get it, right?

-Well--
-Yeah, you get it. Put her there.

-[zapping]
-Oh!

-Joy buzzer. You just got Jurjed!
-[groaning]

All right, I'll see you later.

Vivica.
Now I know why they call you A. Fox.

Excuse me, you gonna stay here long?

We got the OCD Image Awards tomorrow,

and those guys really like
a clean afterparty.

[groaning]

So, let me get this straight, Sextina.

Someone put a baby in your belly
and now you're like,

"Awooga!
Is there an undo button around here?

Leggo my preggo."

-Is that right?
-That is exactly correct, A Ryan,

but I am very excited for this opportunity
to put a face on this important issue.

One out of three women
will have an abortion in her life.

That sounds crazy high to me,
I don't buy it.

I wanted to destigmatize the experience
for all women out there,

so I'm dropping a new single.

-What?
-
Surprise!

-New single?
-Just relax.

Crack an egg on your head,
feel the yolk drip down.

America, get your uteruses turnt,

'cause this song is called
"Get Dat Fetus Kill Dat Fetus."

Oh, dear.

No, stop.

Christ, stop the tape.

Glasses, you did this.
You empowered me to tell my story.

I think the tone might be a little severe?

Look, when you get an abortion,
you can express yourself however you want,

but this is about my body and my choices,

and my choice
is to be a totally insane badass.

Ugh! I am getting an abortion.
You're not even really pregnant.

So? This is show business.
"Brrap brrap. Pew pew."

"Brrap brrap. Pew pew."

A daring battle cry from
the self-appointed New Voice of Choice.

But has the concept of women
having choices gone too far?

We've assembled this diverse panel
of white men in bow ties

to talk about abortion. Gentlemen?

Tom, this is not just a woman's issue.

I'm a man, but if I got pregnant,

would I put my life on hold
for a child I didn't want? Yes, I would.

I can say that with confidence,

because I will never have to make
that decision, so I'm unbiased.

-Does this video glamorize abortion?
-Very possibly, Tom.

Millennials today think everything is NBD.

NBD of course stands for No BD,
referring to B.D. Wong,

who teens think is a very big deal.

So if something's not BD,
it means it's not a big deal.

-These days, abortions are not BD.
-Are abortions even necessary?

I heard a theory that if a woman
really has an unwanted pregnancy,

the body has a way to break the fetus down
into gas particles

and then she can just fart it out.

Where did you hear this intriguing
"fart it out" theory?

-I don't remember. Maybe the Bible?
-Thank you for clarifying.

Next up, Jurj Clooners
is making audiences cry

in his new film, but his latest prank
might make you... think?

[groaning]
Jurj. He likes pranks, huh?

I'll prank him. I'll prank him real good.

We'll need to draw him out.
What do A-list actors like?

Stretch limos? Nannies?

Flying their private jets
to disaster areas so they can "help out"?

Yeah, limos. We'll get a limo.

I'll need one of those caps,
I'll be the driver.

I'll pick him up,
and he'll be all like, "I'm Jurj, I suck,"

and then I'll be all, "Surprise,"
and hit him with a bat.

Pranked!

It really doesn't seem like a prank
as much as you hitting him with a bat.

Yeah, it's a bad prank on purpose
to show how stupid pranks are.

-That's the point.
-Is that the point?

I'm working on levels here, man.
To the limousine repository.

[paparazzi yelling]

[with accent]
Good afternoon, Mr. Clooners.

Hey, man, just one sec,
my publicist is right behind me.

Of course. Bring the publicist.

-Oh, shit.
-What's that, driver?

I said, "Auschwitz."
You're the Nazi who played Yahtzee.

Right, well, anyway, we're going
to the AOL-Time-Warner-PepsiCo-Viacom

Halliburton-Skynet-Toyota-Trader Joe's
Auditorium

for the Image Choice Spirit Awards.

Uh... okay, yes, ma'am.
Here I go. Driving, driving.

You don't need to talk,
you can just drive.

Actually, can we make a couple stops?

I am totally out of toilet paper,
so if you could find a Rite Aid.

You have to go in and buy the TP for me.
I'll get mobbed by fans if I go in.

Just pick out something
extra soft for my tushy.

-I don't know
-Do as he says, driver.

-Chop chop.
-Okay.

My concern is that you're
actually giving the pro-life movement

something to latch onto
as an example of--

Oh, my God, you are so boring.

Can I abort talking to you right now?
Abort.

-You need to stop and think--
-Or what? You gonna sic Fido on me?

I am just here for emotional support.

Can you let it go?
I don't want to have to ask you again.

I really think we have the chance
to say something here,

and all we're saying
is "Pshew pshew pow."

-What is that?
-What are you doing?

That's the gun sounds, from the song.

Uh. Do you mean, "Brrap brrap pew pew"?

Yeah, that's what I did. "Pshow, kapow."

-That's not what a gun sounds like.
-Prrow!

-Pshow, kapow!
-Bop!

-Brrap brrap pew pew!
-Ppew, ping!

Can everyone please
stop making gun sounds?

It is really freaking me out.

My point is,
everyone's listening to you now.

Soon people are gonna get bored
and move onto the next thing

and you'll hate yourself
that you weren't able to make a difference

when you had the chance.

Believe me,
it happens sooner than you think.

Oh...

Hi. I'm A Ryan Sea--
[screaming]

Okay, we're here, finally. Get out.

Ooh, can we make one more stop?

I just remembered
we left my wife back at the house.

Can we go back? Pwease?

Driver? The man said, "Pwease."

That's it. Enough.
I am not your driver. It is I, BoJack.

[gasping]
BoJack? What are you doing?

I was gonna prank Jurj
by hitting him with this bat,

but you got into the car because,
apparently, you are a two-timing liar.

What's the thing with the bat?

BoJack, this is not a good look on you.

All this time,
I thought you believed in me.

This is why your clients win every year.
You represent everyone.

It has nothing to do with whether
you're a good publicist or not.

I am a marvelous publicist.

Not to me. You're doing great work
for this asshole who loves pranks.

You're pranking him right now.

Yeah, with a bad prank
to show how stupid pranks are.

Seems a little convoluted,

which is actually a trademark
of a great prank.

Well played, sir.

No, it's a bad prank.
That's my point. Pranks are dumb.

We're late, and I won't keep going
round and round with you on this.

Publicists have many clients.

Not my publicist. You're fired.

Are you kidding?
Who fires Ana Spanakopita?

I do. I just did.

[scoffing] Who's gonna set up
your press appearances?

Your hopeless agent? Your idiot sidekick?

Not your problem.
Get the hell out of my limo.

'Cause I gotta pick up
a bachelorette party in 30 minutes.

Sextina, welcome to the program.
Can I get a "pew pew" for the fans?

-Tom, abortion is a very serious subject.
-Yes, very serious, I agree.

I want to tell the real story
about abortion,

show America what it's really about,

which is why your girl Sextina Aquafina

is gonna have her abortion
live on television.

What what?

Pay-per-view, chitches.

-What?
-What?

"Pay-per-view, chitches."
Brrap brrap, pew pew, ka-ching ka-ching.

How are you going to have
an abortion on live TV

when you're not even
really having an abortion?

-Duh, we'll just Argo that shit.
-What does that mean?

Yeah, yeah. Fake abortion.
Movie magic, like in Argo.

That is not what happened in Argo.

If we're gonna do this,
we got to be real tasteful.

Yeah, only the best for my abortion.
All class.

John Carpenter
can do the practical effects.

-He owes me a favor.
-What?

We'll book Eddie Redmayne as the fetus.

Are you hearing yourselves?

We're not going to fake an abortion
on live TV.

Obviously, we'll pre-tape it.

Then put a little box in the corner
of the screen that says "Live."

You don't think
this is incredibly disrespectful

to the women who actually get abortions?

Not if we do it tasteful.

Diane, this is what the client wants.
Stop making it about you.

I'm not making it about me.

-I am so tired of you creating problems.
-I'm not--

I'm sorry you're so fertile

and in a sexually active,
loving relationship

and now you don't want a family.

-I'm sure that's really hard for you.
-What?

Uh... if this is not about me anymore,
then I'mma go.

Y'all figure your shit out
and get back at me.

Where's that ZZ Top mofo at?

Can a chitch
get a parking validation or what?

Is there something you want to say to me?

[sighs]

I have given everything to get where I am,
and I am not about to throw all that away.

She wants an abortion?
I'm getting her an abortion.

-You know this is bullshit.
-It's all bullshit, Diane.

That's the gig. And you're not good enough
at this job to be too good for this job.

I won't be a part of this.

[groaning]

Yo, Beardo, where did you go?

I need to get my parking validation did,
or I cannot leave.

Y'all's trippin' if you think
Sextina Aquafina

is paying $15 for parking.

All right, new publicist.
What do you got for me?

Secretariat was an athlete, right?
And you used to be an athlete.

What? No, I didn't.

You didn't play baseball and football?
Oh, um...

You know, I think I Googled the wrong guy.

-Did you think I was Bo Jackson?
-This idea I know you're going to like.

You know that car wash on Alvarado?

They need someone to dress up
like a gorilla and spin a sign.

Why would I do that?

Anything that gets your face
out there, right?

How does it get my face out there
dressed like a gorilla?

Maybe that one's a dud,

but hey, you think Lou Bega
knocked it out of the park

with "Mambo Number One"?

-No, but he kept at it.
-[groaning]

-[crowd chattering]
-[babies crying]

I'm making things all about me?
I'm the one who's having an abortion.

-It's ridiculous.
-They're completely morally bankrupt.

I agree with you, 247 percent.

I just wrote "morally bankrupt"
on this form.

You were right to do that.
This form is being very nosy right now.

Why did I even take that job?

You were going through a rough time,
Princess Carolyn wanted to help you

and she offered you the job.

Which she should not have done.
So morally bankrupt.

Okay, yeah, that was nice.

But still,
she is putting her company's bottom line

before the very real damage
that bottle-nosed maniac

is doing every time
she gets on the news and--

[gasping]
That's it, the news.

I gotta take the high road,
go on the news and rat those suckers out.

Is that really a good idea?

It is if you think it is,

because I am here to support you
no matter what,

but maybe it isn't the best idea?

Like, if that idea were a Dillon brother
maybe it's a Kevin, not a Matt?

Someone has to tell the world
that Sextina is a total fraud.

[girl] You know Sextina Aquafina?

-Oh. Yeah, I mean, I work with her.
-Oh. She is so cool.

Sextina's music makes me feel strong,
like I can do anything.

It doesn't offend you?

What about the part where she says,

"I hope and pray to God
my little fetus has a soul

'cause I want it to feel pain
when I eject it from my hole"?

It's a joke.
You get that it's a joke, right?

Well, obviously.

Do you think she actually wants
to shoot her fetus with a gun?

-No, I get it.
-Getting an abortion is scary.

With all the protesters out front,

how you have to listen
to the heartbeat and all that.

When you can joke about it,
it makes it less scary, you know?

[sighing]
Yeah.

[nurse]
Diane?

Ana?

I won't be working with Jurj anymore.

I let him know this morning.

First he thought I was doing
a really good prank,

but eventually I think he understood.

You dropped Jurj?

Jurj Clooners?
Sexiest Man in America Jurj Clooners?

Jurj is easy. Everyone loves him.

I've got a master's degree in Publicist,
it's time to put that to use.

I dropped all my other clients.
You're the underdog.

I want to put all my attention on you
and get you that Oscar.

So nobody else, huh? Good.

Just all your hopes and dreams
pinned on me.

Somehow beating the odds

and winning the highest possible accolade
in an actor's career.

-I know we can do it.
-Just me, huh?

Wow, that's actually. That--

Is someone standing on my windpipe?

Let's just get Jurj on the phone so we--

No, BoJack. I believe in you, okay?

Okay.

Whoa, Ana, what are you--?

-Oh, boy.
-Shh... It's okay.

-When you fired me, it was thrilling.
-Oh. Ana...

Nobody talks to me like that.

It reminded me that I work for you,
and I liked that.

Okay, but--

Do you like that?
Being in control? Being the star?

Yes.

You're my star, BoJack. My shining star.

-But don't you ever...
-Ow, too tight.

-...try to screw me again.
-Ouch! Oh, please.

-Do you understand?
-Yes. God, yes.

Good.

I'll see you tomorrow bright and early.
You have my undivided attention now.

-Uh...
-[door opens, closes]

[doctor]
How are you feeling, Sextina?

[Sextina] A little queasy
but on the whole, wonderful.

[doctor] Good. Now, I do accept tips.

-That was surprisingly tasteful.
-And educational, right?

Yeah. Weirdly educational.

I actually learned a lot about abortion,
and I just had an abortion.

-How are you feeling?
-I feel shitty.

I mean, physically.

I'm glad I did it,
but mostly I just felt old.

There were all these teenagers there.
Twenty-somethings.

I know from the outside, it might seem
like I should be ready for kids,

but I can't--

Diane, you don't need
to explain anything to anyone.

[phone buzzing]

-Sextina. Great job, we did it.
-Yeah, so, little wrinkle.

I've been having a lot of sex, you know,

'cause I'm a sexual creature
and dolphins do have sex for pleasure.

I just found out
I got knocked up for real.

-What?
-And I think I want to keep it.

But that might be a little confusing
to my fans,

since they just saw me
get the old scoopity doopity?

Okay, we're gonna handle this.
Meet us at the office in 20 minutes.

First thing is we gotta get her
out of town before she starts to show.

Yeah, we'll send her to that farm
where celebrities go to disappear,

where Chad Michael Murray
and Thora Birch went.

Film a bunch of music videos now,
and then--

Release them over the next year
so it seems like she's still around.

Then when she comes back,
we'll say she adopted a baby.

[Carolyn] People are going to love that.
[Diane] Yeah. Everyone loves a baby.

Tell it!

Brrap brrap brrap brrap!

[dolphin squeaking]

Boxer vs. Raptor,

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