Original subtitles

...fucker!

-So, we have some options. -Yeah, a lot of options to discuss.

-You know I love you. -That's not what this is about.

We always agreed we didn't want kids, unless--

A streetwise but soulful teen needed somewhere to live

as he waited for his Juilliard audition.

We'd support his dancing and let him stay in the guest room, right.

-But a baby? Are you--? -It's not about me.

There's no "I" in uterus, there's only "us."

And "U," and another "U,"

but that's the "U" that's in "us," so I already said that "U."

The point is, I'm going to be here for you, 24/7.

Two hundred and forty-seven percent, that's how "there for you" I'll be.

-Whatever you decide... -What we decide, because this is--

Definitely. This is a conversation.

Let's both say what we want at the same time on three.

-Okay. -One, two--

On three or after three?

How could I say it "on three"? I'll be saying "three."

-Okay. Okay. -One, two, three...

-Abortion. -Get an abortion.

Oh, no. We said different things.

[funky electronic music]

[host] The Oscar race is heating up,

and all the hot stars came out to sizzle

at the Golden Snowflake Awards.

Step one on the 48 awards show gauntlet that is The Exhausting Road To Oscar.

[presenter] The nominees for best actor in a motion picture or Vine are...

Mitt Dermon for Midnight Hole...

Bread Poot for City Of AIDS...

Lernernerner DiCarpricorn for The Haberdasher's Peanut...

Jurj Clooners for The Nazi Who Played Yahtzee...

and BoJack Horseman for Secretariat.

Oh, my God.

And the Golden Snowflake is... Jurj Clooners.

-Oh, my goodness. -[cheering]

You have to be kidding me.

Don't worry, they'll call your name next time.

My clients have won Oscars nine out of the last ten years.

Nine out of ten?

If you were an airline and landed nine out of ten planes,

you wouldn't exactly brag about that in your commercial.

Everyone loves Secretariat. Your time will come.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go tell A.O. Scott how great you are.

[yelling] Hey, yo, Scott!

Hey, Diane.

-Diane, Diane, Diane. -I'm doing my job, BoJack.

Young people and their phones.

There could be a beautiful rainbow in this room right now

and you would have no idea.

Really makes you think, huh?

Can you look at rainbows on your phone?

Shut up, BoJack.

-[phone pinging] -Shit.

I just tweeted "Shut up, BoJack," as Cynthia Nixon.

I'd buy it. She is not a fan, and for good reason.

-We were up in the Poconos, she and I... -BoJack, not now.

-What's up your butt tonight? -You really wanna know?

I would seriously like to know what crawled up your butt,

made a home for itself in your butt,

started a family, lived a fruitful life, and then died up your butt.

I'm getting an abortion.

Whoa, that takes me back.

I had more than my share of abortions in the '90s.

I didn't get them, I paid for them.

I really hope all those women actually got the abortions,

and didn't just keep my money.

Diane, are you tweeting for pop starlet Sextina Aquafina right now?

I'm trying to. Why?

Because her account just tweeted out to 40 million followers,

"I'm getting an abortion."

What? No--

She--

Oh, balls.

The tweet heard round the world.

Sextina Aquafina says, "I'm getting an abortion."

And the world says, "Whaaa?"

If it's happening, we're gonna talk about it.

It's time for Tom's Rant.

Is Twitter an appropriate forum

to be discussing a sensitive issue like abortion?

Wouldn't a better forum be nowhere?

Wait, does that say "Tom Srant"? Why does that say Tom Srant?

I clearly said--

Randy, don't look at Jessica. This is on you.

Diane, VIM is hanging on by a thread and only barely scraping by

because of clients like Sextina.

Hey! Heard you pulled the trigger on the Big Bear condo.

Great investment. We are not on the edge of complete ruin.

We are on the edge of complete ruin.

I think if I explain it to her and apologize, she'll understand.

Because she's so understanding? This is a teenage pop star.

Literally the two least compassionate entities

combined into the supernova of not understanding

-that is Sextina Aquafina. -[elevator dings]

Ugh. So imagine my surprise

when I'm in the middle of a performance for Gaddafi's cousin on his yacht

and I'm in a giant champagne flute singing "Left Titty"

and everyone starts to look at their phones and look at me,

because I am apparently aborting a baby I do not have.

So I had them turn their boat into a car and drive me here to fire someone.

-I think that's me. -Great. You're fired, Glasses.

[background] Sextina!

I'll put out a statement explaining the whole mess. I am so sorry.

Oh. Oh!

What "oh?" Who said you could "Oh?"

Taylor Swift just tweeted that you were "brave."

Nicki Minaj tweeted at you a face with heart eyes.

And BuzzFeed just posted a list of top 15 celebrities

who should have had abortions like Sextina.

-You're trending like crazy. -I'm trending?

Most women who go through this never talk about it

because it's so stigmatized.

The fact that you're coming out like this is huge.

It would be, if you were actually getting an abortion.

So what you're saying is, maybe I am getting an abortion?

Well, no, because you're not.

Yeah, but if you did, this would make you a cultural icon.

Glasses, you're un-fired. I'm getting an abortion.

-Well... -I gotta go on talk shows.

If I can make one woman feel a little less alone,

then it's all worth it, right?

Yeah...

And if I can make a million women buy my album,

then it's definitely all worth it.

Um...

-Diane, take the yes. -Okay.

Sextina Aquafina, you are now the face of the pro-choice movement.

-Now let's get you informed. -Hey! Uh, what?

[crowd chattering]

So, before the procedure,

you'll need to look at an ultrasound and listen to the heartbeat.

Or heartbeats, if you're having a litter.

Why does she have to listen to the heartbeat?

It's the law. Also, by law, I have to tell you that at one month,

your puppies have a favorite color and that color may be blue.

-That can't be true. -By law, I have to tell you that.

Also, before your procedure,

you'll need to watch 20 hours of cute puppy videos

as Sarah McLachlan's "I Will Remember You" plays softly.

Don't worry, Diane, I will watch the cute puppy videos for you.

-It's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. -No, she has to watch the videos.

Don't worry, Diane, we will watch the cute puppy videos together.

-No, she has to watch them alone. -Diane, I have some terrible news.

Tomorrow, our exclusive interview with the irrepressible provocateuse

Sextina Aquafina.

But first, one thing that isn't being aborted: the road to Oscar.

Tonight, the Leonard Maltin Awards.

Handing out trophies to all the performances this year

that Leonard Maltin thought were pretty good.

And the Malty for Pretty Good Actor goes to Bread Poot.

-[applause] -Whoo!

[screaming]

[sighing]

You need another drink?

Why? Because I lost, I'm a loser, so I have to drown my sorrows in scotch?

No, I just meant because of thirst.

I could use a scotch.

Oh, look. Jurj Clooners.

-[cameras clicking] -There he is, Jurj Clooners.

Hey, how are you? Thank you.

Jurj sucks. What does everyone love about him?

He's not a god. He's just an old guy who loves pranks.

Sure sounds like God.

-Jurj, hey, man. -BoJack, right?

Yeah, good to see you.

Hey, Jurj, my name's Todd, and my friend Keith sleeps on your couch.

Oh, you know Keith? Tell him to clean up his shit.

-[both laughing] -Oh.

That is so Keith.

Todd, why don't you do the grown-ups a favor and go find your own shadow?

It was here a second ago.

Jurj, I loved you in The Nazi Who Played Yahtzee.

How do you get in the head of a war criminal?

You know, I don't think of him as a war criminal.

I just think of him as a person who had a funny accent.

Totally. I think I'm getting the hang of all this now.

You won last night, the other guy won tonight, maybe I'll win next time.

Yikes. Look, man, you're not gonna be next.

This will sound dumb coming out of my mouth, but it's true.

So Jurj, Bread, Mitt, those are names. Like real names.

Lernernerner DiCarpricorn, that's a name.

-BoJack, not a name. -Huh.

I figured they would, like, tell you this stuff.

You're the Fifth Man. You get it, right?

-Well-- -Yeah, you get it. Put her there.

-[zapping] -Oh!

-Joy buzzer. You just got Jurjed! -[groaning]

All right, I'll see you later.

Vivica. Now I know why they call you A. Fox.

Excuse me, you gonna stay here long?

We got the OCD Image Awards tomorrow,

and those guys really like a clean afterparty.

[groaning]

So, let me get this straight, Sextina.

Someone put a baby in your belly and now you're like,

"Awooga! Is there an undo button around here?

Leggo my preggo."

-Is that right? -That is exactly correct, A Ryan,

but I am very excited for this opportunity to put a face on this important issue.

One out of three women will have an abortion in her life.

That sounds crazy high to me, I don't buy it.

I wanted to destigmatize the experience for all women out there,

so I'm dropping a new single.

-What? - Surprise!

-New single? -Just relax.

Crack an egg on your head, feel the yolk drip down.

America, get your uteruses turnt,

'cause this song is called "Get Dat Fetus Kill Dat Fetus."

Oh, dear.

I'm a baby killer Baby killing makes me horny

Alien's inside me I'm gonna squash it like Sigourney

No, stop.

Get that fetus, kill that fetus

Brrap brrap pew pew...

Christ, stop the tape.

Glasses, you did this. You empowered me to tell my story.

I think the tone might be a little severe?

Look, when you get an abortion, you can express yourself however you want,

but this is about my body and my choices,

and my choice is to be a totally insane badass.

Ugh! I am getting an abortion. You're not even really pregnant.

So? This is show business. "Brrap brrap. Pew pew."

"Brrap brrap. Pew pew."

A daring battle cry from the self-appointed New Voice of Choice.

But has the concept of women having choices gone too far?

We've assembled this diverse panel of white men in bow ties

to talk about abortion. Gentlemen?

Tom, this is not just a woman's issue.

I'm a man, but if I got pregnant,

would I put my life on hold for a child I didn't want? Yes, I would.

I can say that with confidence,

because I will never have to make that decision, so I'm unbiased.

-Does this video glamorize abortion? -Very possibly, Tom.

Millennials today think everything is NBD.

NBD of course stands for No BD, referring to B.D. Wong,

who teens think is a very big deal.

So if something's not BD, it means it's not a big deal.

-These days, abortions are not BD. -Are abortions even necessary?

I heard a theory that if a woman really has an unwanted pregnancy,

the body has a way to break the fetus down into gas particles

and then she can just fart it out.

Where did you hear this intriguing "fart it out" theory?

-I don't remember. Maybe the Bible? -Thank you for clarifying.

Next up, Jurj Clooners is making audiences cry

in his new film, but his latest prank might make you... think?

[groaning] Jurj. He likes pranks, huh?

I'll prank him. I'll prank him real good.

We'll need to draw him out. What do A-list actors like?

Stretch limos? Nannies?

Flying their private jets to disaster areas so they can "help out"?

Yeah, limos. We'll get a limo.

I'll need one of those caps, I'll be the driver.

I'll pick him up, and he'll be all like, "I'm Jurj, I suck,"

and then I'll be all, "Surprise," and hit him with a bat.

Pranked!

It really doesn't seem like a prank as much as you hitting him with a bat.

Yeah, it's a bad prank on purpose to show how stupid pranks are.

-That's the point. -Is that the point?

I'm working on levels here, man. To the limousine repository.

[paparazzi yelling]

[with accent] Good afternoon, Mr. Clooners.

Hey, man, just one sec, my publicist is right behind me.

Of course. Bring the publicist.

-Oh, shit. -What's that, driver?

I said, "Auschwitz." You're the Nazi who played Yahtzee.

Right, well, anyway, we're going to the AOL-Time-Warner-PepsiCo-Viacom

Halliburton-Skynet-Toyota-Trader Joe's Auditorium

for the Image Choice Spirit Awards.

Uh... okay, yes, ma'am. Here I go. Driving, driving.

You don't need to talk, you can just drive.

Actually, can we make a couple stops?

I am totally out of toilet paper, so if you could find a Rite Aid.

You have to go in and buy the TP for me. I'll get mobbed by fans if I go in.

Just pick out something extra soft for my tushy.

-I don't know -Do as he says, driver.

-Chop chop. -Okay.

My concern is that you're actually giving the pro-life movement

something to latch onto as an example of--

Oh, my God, you are so boring.

Can I abort talking to you right now? Abort.

-You need to stop and think-- -Or what? You gonna sic Fido on me?

I am just here for emotional support.

Can you let it go? I don't want to have to ask you again.

I really think we have the chance to say something here,

and all we're saying is "Pshew pshew pow."

-What is that? -What are you doing?

That's the gun sounds, from the song.

Uh. Do you mean, "Brrap brrap pew pew"?

Yeah, that's what I did. "Pshow, kapow."

-That's not what a gun sounds like. -Prrow!

-Pshow, kapow! -Bop!

-Brrap brrap pew pew! -Ppew, ping!

Can everyone please stop making gun sounds?

It is really freaking me out.

My point is, everyone's listening to you now.

Soon people are gonna get bored and move onto the next thing

and you'll hate yourself that you weren't able to make a difference

when you had the chance.

Believe me, it happens sooner than you think.

Oh...

Hi. I'm A Ryan Sea-- [screaming]

Okay, we're here, finally. Get out.

Ooh, can we make one more stop?

I just remembered we left my wife back at the house.

Can we go back? Pwease?

Driver? The man said, "Pwease."

That's it. Enough. I am not your driver. It is I, BoJack.

[gasping] BoJack? What are you doing?

I was gonna prank Jurj by hitting him with this bat,

but you got into the car because, apparently, you are a two-timing liar.

What's the thing with the bat?

BoJack, this is not a good look on you.

All this time, I thought you believed in me.

This is why your clients win every year. You represent everyone.

It has nothing to do with whether you're a good publicist or not.

I am a marvelous publicist.

Not to me. You're doing great work for this asshole who loves pranks.

You're pranking him right now.

Yeah, with a bad prank to show how stupid pranks are.

Seems a little convoluted,

which is actually a trademark of a great prank.

Well played, sir.

No, it's a bad prank. That's my point. Pranks are dumb.

We're late, and I won't keep going round and round with you on this.

Publicists have many clients.

Not my publicist. You're fired.

Are you kidding? Who fires Ana Spanakopita?

I do. I just did.

[scoffing] Who's gonna set up your press appearances?

Your hopeless agent? Your idiot sidekick?

Not your problem. Get the hell out of my limo.

'Cause I gotta pick up a bachelorette party in 30 minutes.

Sextina, welcome to the program. Can I get a "pew pew" for the fans?

-Tom, abortion is a very serious subject. -Yes, very serious, I agree.

I want to tell the real story about abortion,

show America what it's really about,

which is why your girl Sextina Aquafina

is gonna have her abortion live on television.

What what?

Pay-per-view, chitches.

-What? -What?

"Pay-per-view, chitches." Brrap brrap, pew pew, ka-ching ka-ching.

How are you going to have an abortion on live TV

when you're not even really having an abortion?

-Duh, we'll just Argo that shit. -What does that mean?

Yeah, yeah. Fake abortion. Movie magic, like in Argo.

That is not what happened in Argo.

If we're gonna do this, we got to be real tasteful.

Yeah, only the best for my abortion. All class.

John Carpenter can do the practical effects.

-He owes me a favor. -What?

We'll book Eddie Redmayne as the fetus.

Are you hearing yourselves?

We're not going to fake an abortion on live TV.

Obviously, we'll pre-tape it.

Then put a little box in the corner of the screen that says "Live."

You don't think this is incredibly disrespectful

to the women who actually get abortions?

Not if we do it tasteful.

Diane, this is what the client wants. Stop making it about you.

I'm not making it about me.

-I am so tired of you creating problems. -I'm not--

I'm sorry you're so fertile

and in a sexually active, loving relationship

and now you don't want a family.

-I'm sure that's really hard for you. -What?

Uh... if this is not about me anymore, then I'mma go.

Y'all figure your shit out and get back at me.

Where's that ZZ Top mofo at?

Can a chitch get a parking validation or what?

Is there something you want to say to me?

[sighs]

I have given everything to get where I am, and I am not about to throw all that away.

She wants an abortion? I'm getting her an abortion.

-You know this is bullshit. -It's all bullshit, Diane.

That's the gig. And you're not good enough at this job to be too good for this job.

I won't be a part of this.

[groaning]

Yo, Beardo, where did you go?

I need to get my parking validation did, or I cannot leave.

Y'all's trippin' if you think Sextina Aquafina

is paying $15 for parking.

All right, new publicist. What do you got for me?

Secretariat was an athlete, right? And you used to be an athlete.

What? No, I didn't.

You didn't play baseball and football? Oh, um...

You know, I think I Googled the wrong guy.

-Did you think I was Bo Jackson? -This idea I know you're going to like.

You know that car wash on Alvarado?

They need someone to dress up like a gorilla and spin a sign.

Why would I do that?

Anything that gets your face out there, right?

How does it get my face out there dressed like a gorilla?

Maybe that one's a dud,

but hey, you think Lou Bega knocked it out of the park

with "Mambo Number One"?

-No, but he kept at it. -[groaning]

-[crowd chattering] -[babies crying]

I'm making things all about me? I'm the one who's having an abortion.

-It's ridiculous. -They're completely morally bankrupt.

I agree with you, 247 percent.

I just wrote "morally bankrupt" on this form.

You were right to do that. This form is being very nosy right now.

Why did I even take that job?

You were going through a rough time, Princess Carolyn wanted to help you

and she offered you the job.

Which she should not have done. So morally bankrupt.

Okay, yeah, that was nice.

But still, she is putting her company's bottom line

before the very real damage that bottle-nosed maniac

is doing every time she gets on the news and--

[gasping] That's it, the news.

I gotta take the high road, go on the news and rat those suckers out.

Is that really a good idea?

It is if you think it is,

because I am here to support you no matter what,

but maybe it isn't the best idea?

Like, if that idea were a Dillon brother maybe it's a Kevin, not a Matt?

Someone has to tell the world that Sextina is a total fraud.

[girl] You know Sextina Aquafina?

-Oh. Yeah, I mean, I work with her. -Oh. She is so cool.

Sextina's music makes me feel strong, like I can do anything.

It doesn't offend you?

What about the part where she says,

"I hope and pray to God my little fetus has a soul

'cause I want it to feel pain when I eject it from my hole"?

It's a joke. You get that it's a joke, right?

Well, obviously.

Do you think she actually wants to shoot her fetus with a gun?

-No, I get it. -Getting an abortion is scary.

With all the protesters out front,

how you have to listen to the heartbeat and all that.

When you can joke about it, it makes it less scary, you know?

[sighing] Yeah.

[nurse] Diane?

Ana?

I won't be working with Jurj anymore.

I let him know this morning.

First he thought I was doing a really good prank,

but eventually I think he understood.

You dropped Jurj?

Jurj Clooners? Sexiest Man in America Jurj Clooners?

Jurj is easy. Everyone loves him.

I've got a master's degree in Publicist, it's time to put that to use.

I dropped all my other clients. You're the underdog.

I want to put all my attention on you and get you that Oscar.

So nobody else, huh? Good.

Just all your hopes and dreams pinned on me.

Somehow beating the odds

and winning the highest possible accolade in an actor's career.

-I know we can do it. -Just me, huh?

Wow, that's actually. That--

Is someone standing on my windpipe?

Let's just get Jurj on the phone so we--

No, BoJack. I believe in you, okay?

Okay.

Whoa, Ana, what are you--?

-Oh, boy. -Shh... It's okay.

-When you fired me, it was thrilling. -Oh. Ana...

Nobody talks to me like that.

It reminded me that I work for you, and I liked that.

Okay, but--

Do you like that? Being in control? Being the star?

Yes.

You're my star, BoJack. My shining star.

-But don't you ever... -Ow, too tight.

-...try to screw me again. -Ouch! Oh, please.

-Do you understand? -Yes. God, yes.

Good.

I'll see you tomorrow bright and early. You have my undivided attention now.

-Uh... -[door opens, closes]

[doctor] How are you feeling, Sextina?

[Sextina] A little queasy but on the whole, wonderful.

[doctor] Good. Now, I do accept tips.

-That was surprisingly tasteful. -And educational, right?

Yeah. Weirdly educational.

I actually learned a lot about abortion, and I just had an abortion.

-How are you feeling? -I feel shitty.

I mean, physically.

I'm glad I did it, but mostly I just felt old.

There were all these teenagers there. Twenty-somethings.

I know from the outside, it might seem like I should be ready for kids,

but I can't--

Diane, you don't need to explain anything to anyone.

[phone buzzing]

-Sextina. Great job, we did it. -Yeah, so, little wrinkle.

I've been having a lot of sex, you know,

'cause I'm a sexual creature and dolphins do have sex for pleasure.

I just found out I got knocked up for real.

-What? -And I think I want to keep it.

But that might be a little confusing to my fans,

since they just saw me get the old scoopity doopity?

Okay, we're gonna handle this. Meet us at the office in 20 minutes.

First thing is we gotta get her out of town before she starts to show.

Yeah, we'll send her to that farm where celebrities go to disappear,

where Chad Michael Murray and Thora Birch went.

Film a bunch of music videos now, and then--

Release them over the next year so it seems like she's still around.

Then when she comes back, we'll say she adopted a baby.

[Carolyn] People are going to love that. [Diane] Yeah. Everyone loves a baby.

I'm a dolphin doll face Bitches in my crawlspace

Have abortions sometimes?

No, I'mma have abortions always

Get that fetus, kill that fetus Get that fetus, kill that fetus

Brrap brrap pew pew Brrap brrap pew pew

And sometimes I do have doubts and its hard to sleep

Tell it!

I think about my child's heartbeat and oh, it makes me weep

I hope and pray to God my little fetus has a soul

Because I want it to feel pain when I eject it from my hole

Brrap brrap brrap brrap!

[dolphin squeaking]

Boxer vs. Raptor, Na-na na-na na-na na-na!

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