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1
00:00:05,220 --> 00:00:06,730
For a film about fighting,
2
00:00:06,780 --> 00:00:09,050
there's no much blood in Gladiator.
3
00:00:09,100 --> 00:00:11,900
There's no that much fighting either.
4
00:00:11,980 --> 00:00:13,090
We can skip this bit.
5
00:00:13,140 --> 00:00:15,220
FILM MUSIC SPEEDS UP
6
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Stroking the wheat like a numpty.
7
00:00:18,620 --> 00:00:19,650
FILM PAUSES
8
00:00:19,700 --> 00:00:21,410
So, if you were a gladiator,
9
00:00:21,460 --> 00:00:22,810
what sort would you be?
10
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Tiger.
11
00:00:23,900 --> 00:00:25,570
Which human gladiator?
12
00:00:25,620 --> 00:00:27,170
What weapon would you have?
13
00:00:27,220 --> 00:00:28,570
Sword and shield.
14
00:00:28,620 --> 00:00:30,090
The classic combination.
15
00:00:30,140 --> 00:00:32,530
Stab, stab, hide!
16
00:00:32,580 --> 00:00:33,570
Nah.
17
00:00:33,620 --> 00:00:35,010
Remember that bit back in Africa?
18
00:00:35,060 --> 00:00:36,490
The guy with the fork and the net.
19
00:00:36,540 --> 00:00:37,530
I'd be him.
20
00:00:37,580 --> 00:00:40,130
Aye, and then I'd stab
you with my sword,
21
00:00:40,180 --> 00:00:42,090
and hide.
22
00:00:42,140 --> 00:00:44,490
Fork and net could beat sword
and shield, no bother.
23
00:00:44,540 --> 00:00:46,010
Bollocks.
24
00:00:50,540 --> 00:00:52,010
Prove it.
25
00:00:53,660 --> 00:00:54,930
Right!
26
00:00:59,460 --> 00:01:01,130
First off, that's a daft wee fork.
27
00:01:01,180 --> 00:01:03,130
~ Net!
~ I wasn't ready!
28
00:01:03,180 --> 00:01:05,610
~ And... fork!
~ Argh!
29
00:01:05,660 --> 00:01:07,370
That's my favourite bollock!
30
00:01:07,420 --> 00:01:09,180
MAC GIGGLES
31
00:01:36,420 --> 00:01:39,770
So I've been doing the old
end of tour ammo audit...
32
00:01:39,820 --> 00:01:40,810
Yawn, boo, dull.
33
00:01:40,860 --> 00:01:44,010
.. and I've found a few tiny discrepancies
I'd like you to sign off on.
34
00:01:44,060 --> 00:01:45,170
Discrepancies?
35
00:01:45,220 --> 00:01:47,490
Everyone makes the odd
mistake, don't they?
36
00:01:47,540 --> 00:01:49,770
The fog of war, and all that.
37
00:01:49,820 --> 00:01:51,370
The cloud of combat.
38
00:01:51,420 --> 00:01:54,130
The mist of mislaying
two dozen mortar shells.
39
00:01:54,180 --> 00:01:56,380
So here, here, and here.
40
00:01:58,660 --> 00:02:02,220
Sorry, three cases of missing flares
from the first week of November?
41
00:02:03,180 --> 00:02:05,380
Makeshift firework night.
42
00:02:06,700 --> 00:02:07,730
Bickie?
43
00:02:07,780 --> 00:02:09,330
Oh, I try to avoid refined sugar.
44
00:02:09,380 --> 00:02:11,050
Course you do.
45
00:02:11,540 --> 00:02:14,640
Next to these missing
7.62 rounds, it says...
46
00:02:15,020 --> 00:02:16,690
.."barbecue"?
47
00:02:17,620 --> 00:02:20,920
The goats in question did
look a BIT Taliban-y.
48
00:02:21,260 --> 00:02:23,090
Well, they had beards.
49
00:02:23,140 --> 00:02:25,050
Sir, these aren't tiny discrepancies.
50
00:02:25,100 --> 00:02:26,970
I'm not willing to just
fudge the paperwork.
51
00:02:27,020 --> 00:02:30,020
Course not! Well within
your rights. But...
52
00:02:30,820 --> 00:02:32,290
.. please?
53
00:02:33,340 --> 00:02:34,890
Don't make me say "pretty please".
54
00:02:34,940 --> 00:02:37,690
I'm sorry, sir, if mistakes have
been made then those responsible
55
00:02:37,740 --> 00:02:39,530
should be made to face
the consequences.
56
00:02:39,580 --> 00:02:41,450
Pretty please?
57
00:02:41,500 --> 00:02:42,690
I have a team meeting.
58
00:02:42,740 --> 00:02:45,410
Good work, Captain Best. Carry on.
59
00:02:51,980 --> 00:02:54,570
~ OK, not much to discuss today.
~ Brilliant. Can we go?
60
00:02:54,620 --> 00:02:56,410
Not until we've worked
through the agenda.
61
00:02:56,460 --> 00:02:58,290
Yeah! Wait for the agenda, Mac.
62
00:02:58,340 --> 00:03:01,610
Item one. Towerblock and I will
be conducting ANA training.
63
00:03:01,660 --> 00:03:04,170
Or, "Hey, you Afghan twats, stop
poking bombs with a stick."
64
00:03:04,220 --> 00:03:05,210
THEY LAUGH
65
00:03:05,260 --> 00:03:08,010
They have some very promising
operators, actually.
66
00:03:08,060 --> 00:03:10,100
So, item one, check!
67
00:03:11,010 --> 00:03:12,010
Item two.
68
00:03:12,060 --> 00:03:13,370
Any other business?
69
00:03:13,420 --> 00:03:15,410
Did we really need an agenda?
70
00:03:15,460 --> 00:03:16,810
Can we go now, please?
71
00:03:16,860 --> 00:03:19,200
Er, well, I suppose we've...
72
00:03:19,620 --> 00:03:21,170
Yeah, erm... Dismissed.
73
00:03:21,220 --> 00:03:23,560
Right, better get a move on.
74
00:03:24,500 --> 00:03:25,650
Sorry, Simon, can you...?
75
00:03:25,700 --> 00:03:26,890
Help? Sure!
76
00:03:26,940 --> 00:03:29,940
~ I could carry that for you?
~ I've got it.
77
00:03:38,340 --> 00:03:40,410
Er... Simon?
78
00:03:40,460 --> 00:03:41,730
Stay.
79
00:03:47,020 --> 00:03:48,130
So, boss.
80
00:03:48,180 --> 00:03:50,650
Are you going to do the whole
"sick husband" routine, then?
81
00:03:50,700 --> 00:03:52,210
I'm sorry?
82
00:03:52,260 --> 00:03:54,090
I thought all female ATOs did this?
83
00:03:54,140 --> 00:03:56,690
Well, you know how the ANA don't
think that women should work,
84
00:03:56,740 --> 00:03:59,290
but you say your husband's sick
and he ordered you to get a job,
85
00:03:59,340 --> 00:04:01,610
and then, for some mental
reason, they respect you.
86
00:04:01,660 --> 00:04:03,930
But I'm not married, so...
87
00:04:03,980 --> 00:04:05,570
Yeah, it's a tactical lie.
88
00:04:05,620 --> 00:04:06,690
To get the job done.
89
00:04:06,740 --> 00:04:08,570
If you can't get a job
done without lying,
90
00:04:08,620 --> 00:04:10,410
then you're not doing
that job properly.
91
00:04:10,460 --> 00:04:11,730
"H" to the "T" to the "S".
92
00:04:11,780 --> 00:04:14,880
Honesty leads to trust,
leads to success.
93
00:04:15,500 --> 00:04:17,090
Have you met the ANA, boss?
94
00:04:17,140 --> 00:04:20,440
It'll be "A" to the "N"
to the "no fucking way".
95
00:04:23,060 --> 00:04:24,130
You ready?
96
00:04:24,180 --> 00:04:25,690
Aye.
97
00:04:25,740 --> 00:04:27,480
Stab stab hide!
98
00:04:27,980 --> 00:04:29,130
~ Stab, stab!
~ Net!
99
00:04:29,180 --> 00:04:31,290
Oh!
100
00:04:31,340 --> 00:04:32,610
Aah, ooh!
101
00:04:32,660 --> 00:04:33,650
And...fork!
102
00:04:33,700 --> 00:04:35,250
HE GROANS
103
00:04:35,300 --> 00:04:37,440
Argh, ma other bollock!
104
00:04:45,380 --> 00:04:46,770
Bird...
105
00:04:46,820 --> 00:04:49,820
do you think the boss
is behaving oddly?
106
00:04:50,020 --> 00:04:52,370
You mean, since you started
totally fancying her?
107
00:04:52,420 --> 00:04:56,890
~ Pfft! That's too ridic... No!
~ You so do, Simon. ~ No.
108
00:04:56,940 --> 00:04:59,330
You are harbouring sexual tension.
109
00:04:59,380 --> 00:05:00,770
No.
110
00:05:00,820 --> 00:05:03,920
Says the man trying
to wank off his SA-80.
111
00:05:06,700 --> 00:05:09,930
But... oh, yes, well, OK. OK.
112
00:05:09,980 --> 00:05:13,880
The boss is, purely objectively,
a very attractive woman.
113
00:05:14,260 --> 00:05:16,850
If she were a civilian, would
I notice her? I might well do.
114
00:05:16,900 --> 00:05:19,410
But this is the army,
so I do not notice her.
115
00:05:19,460 --> 00:05:20,650
Right.
116
00:05:20,700 --> 00:05:22,050
Good.
117
00:05:22,100 --> 00:05:25,780
Could I imagine... being
with someone not unlike her?
118
00:05:26,740 --> 00:05:33,250
Say... enjoying a sharing platter
at a local gastro pub?
119
00:05:33,300 --> 00:05:35,770
Waking up every morning, next to her,
120
00:05:35,820 --> 00:05:38,010
waiting for little Denise, and...
121
00:05:38,060 --> 00:05:40,400
Simon Jr to scamper in? No.
122
00:05:41,380 --> 00:05:43,850
Because she is an officer,
and I am not.
123
00:05:43,900 --> 00:05:46,730
And some of us, Bird,
respect boundaries.
124
00:05:46,780 --> 00:05:48,250
Oh, so you're having a go at me now?
125
00:05:48,300 --> 00:05:51,810
~ No, what happened between you and
Nick is entirely your own business. ~ Oh, thank you!
126
00:05:51,860 --> 00:05:53,930
No matter how unprofessional
and sordid it was.
127
00:05:53,980 --> 00:05:58,660
So, I do not need lessons from
you on how not to fancy the boss.
128
00:05:59,820 --> 00:06:02,160
Which I don't anyway, so...
129
00:06:04,580 --> 00:06:07,370
~ You know she's totally into you?
~ What? Oh.
130
00:06:07,420 --> 00:06:09,370
No. That's terrible.
131
00:06:09,420 --> 00:06:10,650
Yeah!
132
00:06:10,700 --> 00:06:13,210
But... since you saved
her from that grenade,
133
00:06:13,260 --> 00:06:15,530
it's basically inevitable.
134
00:06:15,980 --> 00:06:17,050
Is it?
135
00:06:17,100 --> 00:06:19,290
Look, I never told anyone this,
136
00:06:19,340 --> 00:06:22,080
but the reason me and Nick happened?
137
00:06:23,020 --> 00:06:27,610
We did this exercise where he had to
rescue me, and it totally got to me.
138
00:06:27,660 --> 00:06:29,410
We HAD to shag,
139
00:06:29,460 --> 00:06:33,970
otherwise sexual tensions would've
ruined unit cohesion.
140
00:06:34,020 --> 00:06:36,650
~ So you're saying that me
and the boss, we need...? ~ No!
141
00:06:36,700 --> 00:06:38,410
No, because, like with me and Nick,
142
00:06:38,460 --> 00:06:41,460
that would be sordid
and unprofessional.
143
00:06:42,100 --> 00:06:43,570
Now, you need to talk to her.
144
00:06:43,620 --> 00:06:46,010
Yeah, get everything on the table,
145
00:06:46,060 --> 00:06:48,010
~ so you can take it off the table.
~ Ha!
146
00:06:48,060 --> 00:06:50,170
Otherwise we have sex on that table.
147
00:06:50,220 --> 00:06:51,730
Her on top, obviously.
148
00:06:51,780 --> 00:06:53,770
Rank hath its privileges.
149
00:06:53,820 --> 00:06:56,090
No, it's operational purposes...
150
00:06:56,140 --> 00:06:58,480
~ Mm-hm.
~ .. to clear the air.
151
00:07:05,900 --> 00:07:08,170
Why did people ever
abandon net and fork?
152
00:07:08,220 --> 00:07:10,450
Best melee weapon ever.
153
00:07:10,500 --> 00:07:13,240
Something better must've come along.
154
00:07:13,420 --> 00:07:14,970
Who came after the Romans?
155
00:07:15,020 --> 00:07:16,250
Huns.
156
00:07:16,300 --> 00:07:18,330
Vandals. Vikings, eventually.
157
00:07:18,380 --> 00:07:20,610
Well, there you go. Vikings.
158
00:07:20,660 --> 00:07:23,260
An axe would beat a net and fork.
159
00:07:25,780 --> 00:07:28,520
DARKLY: You starting something, pal?
160
00:07:33,460 --> 00:07:35,650
We can't start without
Faruq to translate.
161
00:07:35,700 --> 00:07:37,650
S'all right, Boss. I've
got a bit of Pashto.
162
00:07:37,700 --> 00:07:39,770
Oh, really? Fantastic!
163
00:07:41,860 --> 00:07:44,060
IN PASHTO: Sahr pikheyr.
164
00:07:45,940 --> 00:07:47,650
That's it, I'm out.
165
00:07:47,700 --> 00:07:49,700
Oh. Well, that was...
166
00:07:50,380 --> 00:07:51,490
Where is Faruq?
167
00:07:51,540 --> 00:07:54,580
Well, he ripped me off on some DVDs,
so he's probably avoiding me.
168
00:07:55,820 --> 00:07:57,930
Oh, speak of the twat.
169
00:07:57,980 --> 00:07:59,450
Oi, you!
170
00:07:59,500 --> 00:08:01,050
I asked for two series of Top Gear.
171
00:08:01,100 --> 00:08:03,210
~ Yes.
~ And not Chinese Top Gear.
172
00:08:03,260 --> 00:08:04,450
Proper Top Gear.
173
00:08:04,500 --> 00:08:07,290
Why would I want Chinese Jeremy
Clarkson in a crappy Chinese car,
174
00:08:07,340 --> 00:08:09,050
being racist about the British?
175
00:08:09,100 --> 00:08:10,450
Although...
176
00:08:10,500 --> 00:08:12,690
Chinese Richard Hammond
is PROPER funny.
177
00:08:12,740 --> 00:08:15,090
Alas, I cannot discuss business.
178
00:08:15,140 --> 00:08:16,490
For I am on strike.
179
00:08:16,540 --> 00:08:17,810
You what?
180
00:08:17,860 --> 00:08:20,130
~ You bell-end!
~ OK, Faruq, can you tell...
181
00:08:20,180 --> 00:08:22,090
Again, alas, no.
182
00:08:22,140 --> 00:08:23,410
I am on strike.
183
00:08:23,460 --> 00:08:24,650
Er... why?
184
00:08:24,700 --> 00:08:27,290
Today, I heard about
my long-awaited UK visa.
185
00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:30,330
~ Oh, so now you're all sorted,
you're just going to slack off? ~ No.
186
00:08:30,380 --> 00:08:32,330
I am on a non-priority wait list.
187
00:08:32,380 --> 00:08:35,410
They hope to issue my visa by 2022!
188
00:08:35,460 --> 00:08:38,050
Roughly six years after
the Taliban kill me...
189
00:08:38,100 --> 00:08:39,090
for helping you.
190
00:08:39,140 --> 00:08:42,130
Well, I'm sorry to hear about that.
But that's just how the system works.
191
00:08:42,180 --> 00:08:44,450
It's not our fault, there's
nothing we can do about it.
192
00:08:44,500 --> 00:08:48,810
Fine. Then it is not your fault there
will be no translating today.
193
00:08:48,860 --> 00:08:51,400
It's just how the system works.
194
00:09:02,540 --> 00:09:03,930
THO-O-OOR!
195
00:09:03,980 --> 00:09:05,010
NE-E-E-ET!
196
00:09:05,060 --> 00:09:07,500
Whoa, whoa! I'm dizzy!
197
00:09:09,180 --> 00:09:12,580
And... FO-O-O-ORK!
198
00:09:16,780 --> 00:09:18,260
Er...boss?
199
00:09:19,300 --> 00:09:21,130
Can I have a word?
200
00:09:21,180 --> 00:09:22,450
Sure.
201
00:09:29,580 --> 00:09:32,180
It's come to my attention that...
202
00:09:32,820 --> 00:09:35,530
.. certain things have... happened,
203
00:09:35,580 --> 00:09:38,410
and those things
204
00:09:38,460 --> 00:09:40,890
have had... effects.
205
00:09:40,940 --> 00:09:42,450
Sorry, what things? HE INTERRUPTS
206
00:09:42,500 --> 00:09:46,730
And it's best that we put
those effects on the table,
207
00:09:46,780 --> 00:09:49,810
in case unit cohesion
208
00:09:49,860 --> 00:09:54,170
becomes unit de-hesion... un-hesion.
209
00:09:54,220 --> 00:09:56,560
I don't know the right word.
210
00:09:57,420 --> 00:09:58,650
Magnets!
211
00:09:58,700 --> 00:10:00,660
Magnets cohere.
212
00:10:01,780 --> 00:10:04,580
But it is the wrong type of cohesion.
213
00:10:05,420 --> 00:10:08,730
So, we must be like
214
00:10:08,780 --> 00:10:10,250
two magnets,
215
00:10:10,300 --> 00:10:13,500
with the wrong ends facing
so that they repel.
216
00:10:15,260 --> 00:10:17,450
You KNOW what I mean.
217
00:10:17,500 --> 00:10:19,290
So there, it was...
it was on the table
218
00:10:19,340 --> 00:10:21,680
and now it's off the table.
219
00:10:21,780 --> 00:10:23,090
It's over.
220
00:10:23,140 --> 00:10:24,810
It's finished.
221
00:10:25,100 --> 00:10:26,650
Magnets.
222
00:10:26,700 --> 00:10:28,900
Thank you for your time.
223
00:10:34,580 --> 00:10:37,210
It's been a long tour
for Simon, hasn't it?
224
00:10:37,260 --> 00:10:39,290
It's been a long life.
225
00:10:39,340 --> 00:10:42,290
Ah, Captain Best, would you mind
signing this leaving card?
226
00:10:42,340 --> 00:10:43,490
Oh. Who's it for?
227
00:10:43,540 --> 00:10:45,170
Biffa, the chef.
228
00:10:45,220 --> 00:10:46,330
Much loved.
229
00:10:46,380 --> 00:10:49,970
But we're all leaving. We're handing
over the base to the ANA.
230
00:10:50,020 --> 00:10:53,170
This is the first of
many, so chop chop!
231
00:10:53,220 --> 00:10:56,260
Sign here, here, here.
232
00:10:58,740 --> 00:11:00,210
HE COUGHS
233
00:11:01,340 --> 00:11:03,010
Bloody moths.
234
00:11:03,540 --> 00:11:05,810
No, fair enough. Carry on!
235
00:11:08,260 --> 00:11:09,290
Simon.
236
00:11:09,340 --> 00:11:11,330
~ What happened?
~ Oh, sorted.
237
00:11:11,380 --> 00:11:13,610
~ All out in the open.
~ Mmm... Not what Towerblock said.
238
00:11:13,660 --> 00:11:15,010
What?! He was listening?
239
00:11:15,060 --> 00:11:18,170
He said you made bollock-all sense.
You kept going on about magnets.
240
00:11:18,220 --> 00:11:20,690
I... hmm. I may have
mentioned a magnet.
241
00:11:20,740 --> 00:11:24,050
~ OK, well, the boss didn't have
a clue what you were talking about. ~ Oh.
242
00:11:24,100 --> 00:11:25,330
You need a new approach.
243
00:11:25,380 --> 00:11:27,690
Do I? Right.
244
00:11:27,740 --> 00:11:30,010
OK. We know she likes you.
245
00:11:30,060 --> 00:11:33,450
No-one can say that's not true.
246
00:11:33,500 --> 00:11:36,490
But she's in far too
much denial to admit it.
247
00:11:36,540 --> 00:11:38,610
Ah... she's resisting.
248
00:11:39,700 --> 00:11:42,010
So you need to make yourself...
249
00:11:42,060 --> 00:11:43,490
irresistible.
250
00:11:43,540 --> 00:11:44,810
How, how do I do that?
251
00:11:44,860 --> 00:11:47,610
Find out what she likes
in a man, and be that man.
252
00:11:47,660 --> 00:11:50,330
~ You need to speak to her roommate.
~ Right.
253
00:11:50,380 --> 00:11:51,810
That's you!
254
00:11:51,860 --> 00:11:53,690
Bird...
255
00:11:53,740 --> 00:11:54,970
what does she like in a man?
256
00:11:55,020 --> 00:11:57,170
Well, since you ask, Simon,
257
00:11:57,220 --> 00:12:00,490
she often says the thing she misses
the most, being in the army, are
258
00:12:00,540 --> 00:12:03,580
intellectual, sensitive men, who...
259
00:12:04,580 --> 00:12:06,580
.. who like animals.
260
00:12:10,700 --> 00:12:13,640
This poor cow and
its inverted uterus!
261
00:12:14,940 --> 00:12:17,280
I saw that once on a cat...
262
00:12:17,740 --> 00:12:21,050
.. after my mate Stevie shoved
a Hoover up its arse.
263
00:12:21,100 --> 00:12:22,490
Are you all right, Simon?
264
00:12:22,540 --> 00:12:24,540
It's just so moving.
265
00:12:25,220 --> 00:12:27,760
And intellectually stimulating.
266
00:12:30,060 --> 00:12:32,060
Like a sad crossword.
267
00:12:45,340 --> 00:12:48,490
OK, Towerblock, confirming
disruption. I'm on my way back.
268
00:12:48,540 --> 00:12:49,610
'Roger that, boss.
269
00:12:49,660 --> 00:12:51,660
'Have a nice paddle.'
270
00:13:01,700 --> 00:13:04,850
So, the device is much
bigger than I expected.
271
00:13:04,900 --> 00:13:07,890
Four containers of HME,
circa 30 kilos each, so...
272
00:13:07,940 --> 00:13:10,850
~ 'Oh, mint!'
~ I'm going to need some more pulleys.
273
00:13:10,900 --> 00:13:12,340
'Boss.'
274
00:13:14,620 --> 00:13:17,770
Oh, boss, PLEASE can we blow it
in situ? Please, please, please?
275
00:13:17,820 --> 00:13:20,130
No, because then we'd
destroy the bridge
276
00:13:20,180 --> 00:13:21,730
that the engineers are coming to fix.
277
00:13:21,780 --> 00:13:24,010
Yeah. The Wedge love a challenge!
278
00:13:24,060 --> 00:13:25,490
Thank you.
279
00:13:25,540 --> 00:13:27,340
Boss on the move!
280
00:13:30,780 --> 00:13:32,130
ENGINE RUMBLING
281
00:13:32,180 --> 00:13:33,210
Skip!
282
00:13:33,260 --> 00:13:35,200
We've got a dicker.
283
00:13:36,100 --> 00:13:37,850
ROCKET: He's not stopping.
284
00:13:37,900 --> 00:13:39,170
Ma'am.
285
00:13:40,660 --> 00:13:42,690
Getting chatter on ICOM.
286
00:13:42,740 --> 00:13:45,840
OK, Rocket, if I give
the word, take him out.
287
00:13:46,540 --> 00:13:47,650
Wait!
288
00:13:47,700 --> 00:13:49,500
It's just Faruq.
289
00:13:50,620 --> 00:13:53,160
Should I still shoot him, skip?
290
00:13:53,420 --> 00:13:54,890
SADLY: No.
291
00:13:59,300 --> 00:14:00,770
Hello, my friends!
292
00:14:00,820 --> 00:14:03,690
Not a dicker, just a dick.
293
00:14:03,740 --> 00:14:05,370
You not on strike any more then?
294
00:14:05,420 --> 00:14:08,130
I am merely bringing
refreshments for the ANA.
295
00:14:08,180 --> 00:14:09,250
ROCKET: Oh!
296
00:14:09,300 --> 00:14:11,330
Behold, sorbets!
297
00:14:11,380 --> 00:14:13,930
I have mango, opium, chicken.
298
00:14:13,980 --> 00:14:15,120
Oh!
299
00:14:18,220 --> 00:14:19,250
Bit more on ICOM.
300
00:14:19,300 --> 00:14:20,770
Faruq, you want to help us out here?
301
00:14:20,820 --> 00:14:23,530
Ah. Sadly, I remain on strike.
302
00:14:23,580 --> 00:14:26,730
Oh, then you won't be
able to translate this!
303
00:14:26,780 --> 00:14:28,930
GUNFIRE
304
00:14:28,980 --> 00:14:31,320
~ Contact!
~ Contact! ~ Contact!
305
00:14:32,780 --> 00:14:34,050
Boss!
306
00:14:43,260 --> 00:14:46,660
ICOM'S going mental! Faruq,
what are they saying?
307
00:14:47,100 --> 00:14:48,930
Take it!
308
00:14:48,980 --> 00:14:51,920
Faruq, will you stop
being a bell-end?
309
00:14:57,540 --> 00:14:59,610
The barren spinster...
310
00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:02,840
.. is by the river.
311
00:15:05,260 --> 00:15:08,360
They are trying to
capture Captain Ellen!
312
00:15:10,100 --> 00:15:12,700
Simon! Six o'clock, in the river!
313
00:15:27,700 --> 00:15:28,730
They are retreating.
314
00:15:28,780 --> 00:15:30,460
GUNFIRE STOPS
315
00:15:36,060 --> 00:15:38,250
~ Are you OK, boss?
~ Fine.
316
00:15:38,300 --> 00:15:40,730
Much as I hate to say it, Faruq
just saved your arse, there.
317
00:15:40,780 --> 00:15:41,770
Faruq?
318
00:15:41,820 --> 00:15:44,920
Don't worry, ma'am, I
was all over your arse.
319
00:15:45,180 --> 00:15:47,450
~ Er, no, I meant an eye on the...
~ Yes, thanks, Simon.
320
00:15:47,500 --> 00:15:51,090
Towerblock, if Faruq wasn't on strike, we'd
be aware of the threat in the first place.
321
00:15:51,140 --> 00:15:54,690
I'm just saying, maybe we should
try and sort his visa.
322
00:15:54,740 --> 00:15:56,850
If Faruq stays on strike,
we can't do training,
323
00:15:56,900 --> 00:15:58,370
ops are compromised.
324
00:15:58,420 --> 00:16:00,090
At least ask the Colonel
about it, boss.
325
00:16:00,140 --> 00:16:03,450
Look, if you think you can do something
about it, then be my guest.
326
00:16:03,500 --> 00:16:05,450
ROCKET: Chicken... not nice.
327
00:16:05,500 --> 00:16:06,930
Should've gone for the opium.
328
00:16:06,980 --> 00:16:08,250
Eurgh!
329
00:16:17,100 --> 00:16:19,450
~ Sir.
~ At ease, Corporal.
330
00:16:19,500 --> 00:16:20,890
Now, what can I do for you?
331
00:16:20,940 --> 00:16:22,930
Sir, it's about Faruq's visa.
332
00:16:22,980 --> 00:16:24,570
He won't get it until 2022.
333
00:16:24,620 --> 00:16:25,970
By which time the Taliban will be
334
00:16:26,020 --> 00:16:28,450
using his skull as a novelty commode.
335
00:16:28,500 --> 00:16:29,730
Tricky.
336
00:16:29,780 --> 00:16:32,860
Trouble is, Captain Best didn't exactly
give him a glowing reference.
337
00:16:33,900 --> 00:16:36,640
So, if he had a better reference...?
338
00:16:36,820 --> 00:16:38,210
Who knows?
339
00:16:38,260 --> 00:16:39,370
Well, I do.
340
00:16:39,420 --> 00:16:43,210
He'd get put on the priority wait
list and get a visa within weeks.
341
00:16:43,260 --> 00:16:45,370
Here's his application,
should anyone wish to...
342
00:16:45,420 --> 00:16:47,360
reconsider matters.
343
00:16:48,340 --> 00:16:50,490
He hasn't helped himself, mind.
344
00:16:50,540 --> 00:16:51,970
Look at his CV!
345
00:16:52,020 --> 00:16:54,170
"Interpreter, salesman...
346
00:16:54,220 --> 00:16:55,330
"crooner"?!
347
00:16:55,380 --> 00:16:58,130
Well, who hasn't pimped
their CV a bit?
348
00:16:58,180 --> 00:17:00,890
Mine says that I'm a team player
who's good with people!
349
00:17:00,940 --> 00:17:03,080
Now piss off, you twat!
350
00:17:03,580 --> 00:17:04,780
See?
351
00:17:11,700 --> 00:17:13,770
I'm not sure this is going to work.
352
00:17:13,820 --> 00:17:15,490
About-turn on that medal.
353
00:17:15,540 --> 00:17:19,650
What woman doesn't love the
sight of glistening muscles?
354
00:17:19,700 --> 00:17:22,290
Oh, God, I smell like
a bloody chip shop.
355
00:17:22,340 --> 00:17:25,740
Trust me, Simon. I'm close
to jumping you myself.
356
00:17:27,980 --> 00:17:29,250
Right.
357
00:17:32,060 --> 00:17:33,980
~ Aah!
~ THUD
358
00:17:35,060 --> 00:17:37,300
~ All right?
~ Yes...
359
00:17:38,820 --> 00:17:41,330
Listen, you know how you said
Faruq's visa wasn't our fault?
360
00:17:41,380 --> 00:17:43,250
Well... it is.
361
00:17:43,300 --> 00:17:45,410
How? I wrote him a nice,
honest reference.
362
00:17:45,460 --> 00:17:47,730
Which is exactly why they won't
let him in the country.
363
00:17:47,780 --> 00:17:49,490
Well, it's too late to change it now.
364
00:17:49,540 --> 00:17:52,650
And even if it isn't, it's against
my principles to just lie.
365
00:17:52,700 --> 00:17:55,290
Yeah. I mean, you know
what the Taliban do
366
00:17:55,340 --> 00:17:56,890
to 'terps that they capture, but...
367
00:17:56,940 --> 00:17:58,850
your principles, yeah,
they come first.
368
00:17:58,900 --> 00:18:02,300
Yeah, I get that, ma'am,
I really fucking get it.
369
00:18:08,140 --> 00:18:11,420
Cha-a-a-a-arge!
370
00:18:12,690 --> 00:18:13,690
Whoa-oh!
371
00:18:13,740 --> 00:18:14,730
Whoa!
372
00:18:14,780 --> 00:18:16,860
CRASH
373
00:18:18,730 --> 00:18:19,730
DEBRIS RATTLES
374
00:18:19,780 --> 00:18:21,850
ROCKET GRUNTS
375
00:18:21,900 --> 00:18:24,970
HE PANTS
376
00:18:25,020 --> 00:18:27,500
HE GROANS
377
00:18:28,820 --> 00:18:29,850
And fork!
378
00:18:29,900 --> 00:18:31,370
Not the bollocks!
379
00:18:31,420 --> 00:18:32,490
Oh!
380
00:18:32,540 --> 00:18:34,080
Ma nipples!
381
00:18:39,060 --> 00:18:40,650
Ah, Captain Best.
382
00:18:40,700 --> 00:18:42,210
What can I do for you?
383
00:18:42,260 --> 00:18:45,130
I would like to file a
new reference for Faruq,
384
00:18:45,180 --> 00:18:46,490
to help with his visa.
385
00:18:46,540 --> 00:18:49,010
Impossible, sadly, the
application's in the system now.
386
00:18:49,060 --> 00:18:50,930
~ But Towerblock said...
~ Unless...
387
00:18:50,980 --> 00:18:52,970
if there had been a mistake
with the paperwork,
388
00:18:53,020 --> 00:18:55,620
I'm sure people would understand.
389
00:18:55,700 --> 00:18:57,900
Fog of war, and all that.
390
00:19:01,140 --> 00:19:03,820
Sir, I have made a...
391
00:19:05,860 --> 00:19:08,730
.. mistake, with Faruq's reference.
392
00:19:08,780 --> 00:19:10,010
Really?
393
00:19:10,060 --> 00:19:11,170
Gosh!
394
00:19:11,220 --> 00:19:12,610
That's not like you.
395
00:19:12,660 --> 00:19:15,450
No, it's not. It's
really, really not.
396
00:19:15,500 --> 00:19:18,060
But I, accidentally...
397
00:19:19,380 --> 00:19:21,290
.. filed a reference
meant for someone else.
398
00:19:21,340 --> 00:19:23,010
Are you sure?
399
00:19:23,420 --> 00:19:24,770
I've got a copy here.
400
00:19:24,820 --> 00:19:27,020
Let's have a little look.
401
00:19:27,420 --> 00:19:30,650
"His attitude to property
is morally flexible."
402
00:19:30,700 --> 00:19:31,930
Yes, I did write that.
403
00:19:31,980 --> 00:19:34,260
But that is actually...
404
00:19:35,340 --> 00:19:37,770
.. Mac's end of tour appraisal.
405
00:19:37,820 --> 00:19:38,970
Really?
406
00:19:39,020 --> 00:19:40,650
Ah, well of course.
407
00:19:40,700 --> 00:19:43,770
"His spoken English is passable
at best." That does make sense.
408
00:19:43,820 --> 00:19:46,020
This is the correct one.
409
00:19:47,820 --> 00:19:50,570
"He is an exemplary colleague,
and trusted friend."
410
00:19:50,620 --> 00:19:51,890
What a contrasting tone.
411
00:19:51,940 --> 00:19:53,570
HE CHUCKLES
412
00:19:53,620 --> 00:19:55,010
So, you want to swap the two?
413
00:19:55,060 --> 00:19:57,530
If it wouldn't be too
much trouble, sir.
414
00:19:57,580 --> 00:19:59,690
Oh, I've just remembered.
415
00:19:59,740 --> 00:20:02,840
I've got a
paperwork-related problem, too.
416
00:20:03,260 --> 00:20:05,090
Now, what was it again?
417
00:20:05,140 --> 00:20:06,540
Oh, yes.
418
00:20:07,340 --> 00:20:09,130
The ammunition audit!
419
00:20:09,180 --> 00:20:12,770
You couldn't just append
your signature here, here...
420
00:20:12,820 --> 00:20:14,370
and here,
421
00:20:14,420 --> 00:20:15,890
could you?
422
00:20:17,740 --> 00:20:19,740
~ Certainly, sir.
~ Mmm.
423
00:20:22,620 --> 00:20:24,560
Thank you, Captain.
424
00:20:25,140 --> 00:20:27,090
And I will just do...
425
00:20:27,140 --> 00:20:28,290
this.
426
00:20:28,340 --> 00:20:29,530
There.
427
00:20:29,580 --> 00:20:31,530
That wasn't so bad, was it?
428
00:20:31,580 --> 00:20:32,810
No, sir.
429
00:20:32,860 --> 00:20:34,330
Carry on.
430
00:20:38,620 --> 00:20:40,650
Romance?! Really?
431
00:20:40,700 --> 00:20:42,290
What can I say? We're roomies.
432
00:20:42,340 --> 00:20:44,930
She likes a bit of
candlelight, a bit of music.
433
00:20:44,980 --> 00:20:46,610
Simon, it's for the good of the team.
434
00:20:46,660 --> 00:20:49,330
No, I am SHIT at romance.
435
00:20:49,380 --> 00:20:51,970
Once, for Charlotte, I put a
hundred candles in our bedroom.
436
00:20:52,020 --> 00:20:53,690
FYI...
437
00:20:53,740 --> 00:20:57,130
it takes seconds for a polycotton
duvet to be consumed by flame, so...
438
00:20:57,180 --> 00:21:00,930
She actually said your name
in her sleep last night.
439
00:21:00,980 --> 00:21:02,770
You...
440
00:21:02,820 --> 00:21:06,050
DREAMILY: "Oh, Si-i-imon...
441
00:21:06,100 --> 00:21:09,210
"Si-i-imo-o-o-on!"
442
00:21:09,260 --> 00:21:11,650
Oh, God.
443
00:21:11,700 --> 00:21:12,770
Poor Ellen.
444
00:21:12,820 --> 00:21:14,620
Yeah, poor Ellen.
445
00:21:15,260 --> 00:21:17,100
Poor, poor Ellen.
446
00:21:19,420 --> 00:21:22,090
I suddenly really need the toilet.
447
00:21:22,180 --> 00:21:23,980
I'm not having...
448
00:21:25,380 --> 00:21:26,930
Taking a piss.
449
00:21:26,980 --> 00:21:29,940
And not a... sex piss.
450
00:21:30,980 --> 00:21:34,080
The hand will remain
stationary at all times.
451
00:22:09,420 --> 00:22:12,860
And so, the decline of the Roman
Empire remains a mystery.
452
00:22:14,420 --> 00:22:15,690
TOWERBLOCK: Bollocks!
453
00:22:15,740 --> 00:22:17,810
There's no way that net
and fork's any good.
454
00:22:17,860 --> 00:22:20,770
An army that marches with
net and fork is invincible.
455
00:22:20,820 --> 00:22:22,050
As I will prove,
456
00:22:22,100 --> 00:22:23,250
when we get back to base.
457
00:22:23,300 --> 00:22:25,010
You're on.
458
00:22:25,060 --> 00:22:27,090
Mr Towerblock.
459
00:22:27,140 --> 00:22:29,340
I have a present for you!
460
00:22:30,460 --> 00:22:32,210
The puddings of Yorkshire!
461
00:22:32,260 --> 00:22:33,730
Oh, mint! Where'd you get them?
462
00:22:33,780 --> 00:22:35,090
You don't want to know.
463
00:22:35,140 --> 00:22:37,690
And you probably don't
want to eat them.
464
00:22:37,740 --> 00:22:39,410
But is the thought that counts!
465
00:22:39,460 --> 00:22:41,450
Sort-of-cheers, Faruq.
466
00:22:41,500 --> 00:22:44,130
No, thank YOU.
467
00:22:44,180 --> 00:22:48,050
For, this morning, I have heard that
my visa is being fast-tracked.
468
00:22:48,100 --> 00:22:50,130
Kilmarnock, here I come!
469
00:22:50,180 --> 00:22:51,170
Kilmarnock?
470
00:22:51,220 --> 00:22:54,720
Hmm. You'll be begging to
come back within a month.
471
00:22:54,860 --> 00:22:56,730
Ah, Captain Ellen!
472
00:22:57,580 --> 00:22:58,980
For you!
473
00:22:59,780 --> 00:23:02,010
The Great Chinese Bake Off!
474
00:23:02,060 --> 00:23:03,610
Thanks!
475
00:23:03,660 --> 00:23:04,930
I am now back to work!
476
00:23:04,980 --> 00:23:09,490
Right. Well, could you get our ANA
colleagues to have a look at what I've pulled out of the ground?
477
00:23:09,540 --> 00:23:11,480
With much pleasure!
478
00:23:21,540 --> 00:23:23,610
Oh, boss, you care to join me?
479
00:23:23,660 --> 00:23:25,730
Oh, sorry. IED report.
480
00:23:41,420 --> 00:23:42,690
What do you want, Simon?
481
00:23:42,740 --> 00:23:44,680
I just wanted to...
482
00:23:47,340 --> 00:23:48,970
We should actually be sitting...
483
00:23:49,020 --> 00:23:50,010
It doesn't matter.
484
00:23:50,060 --> 00:23:52,140
GUITAR STRUMS
485
00:23:55,820 --> 00:23:59,770
~ Ooh, got some flowers.
~
I need some love like I've never needed love before
486
00:23:59,820 --> 00:24:02,220
Wanna make love to ya, baby
487
00:24:02,540 --> 00:24:04,450
Had a little love
488
00:24:04,500 --> 00:24:06,170
~
Now I'm back for more...
~ There we are.
489
00:24:06,220 --> 00:24:08,970
~
Wanna make love to ya, baby...
~ OK, clearly we DO need to talk.
490
00:24:09,020 --> 00:24:10,620
Faruq, shhh!
491
00:24:13,260 --> 00:24:15,170
There's been too much
dishonesty recently,
492
00:24:15,220 --> 00:24:17,530
~ so I want you to be
completely straight with me. ~ OK.
493
00:24:17,580 --> 00:24:19,090
Do you find me attractive?
494
00:24:19,140 --> 00:24:21,340
No! The opposite of that.
495
00:24:21,900 --> 00:24:23,530
OK... and thanks, by the way.
496
00:24:23,580 --> 00:24:26,730
So, you're sure you don't
have any feelings for me?
497
00:24:26,780 --> 00:24:29,690
Oh! Is this what you're getting
from all this? Huh!
498
00:24:29,740 --> 00:24:31,570
Because if you do, that's OK.
499
00:24:31,620 --> 00:24:33,610
~ Is it?
~ Yes. ~ Then I do!
500
00:24:33,660 --> 00:24:34,970
I really do! I...
501
00:24:35,020 --> 00:24:38,090
I think I love you, Captain Best!
502
00:24:38,140 --> 00:24:41,330
But...I'm your superior officer,
so you must get over them.
503
00:24:41,380 --> 00:24:44,210
~ I could go to Sandhurst,
to be a Captain too. ~ No.
504
00:24:44,260 --> 00:24:46,650
Or I could... quit the army,
505
00:24:46,700 --> 00:24:48,010
right now.
506
00:24:48,060 --> 00:24:49,530
I resign.
507
00:24:50,780 --> 00:24:53,650
~ I resi-i-i...
~ VELCRO RIPS SLOWLY
508
00:24:53,700 --> 00:24:54,850
There!
509
00:24:54,900 --> 00:24:55,930
I'm free of the army.
510
00:24:55,980 --> 00:24:59,330
No, you're in breach of uniform
regulations! Get a grip, Corporal!
511
00:24:59,380 --> 00:25:00,490
But...
512
00:25:00,540 --> 00:25:03,080
you have feelings for me too...
513
00:25:03,740 --> 00:25:04,770
.. don't you?
514
00:25:04,820 --> 00:25:07,490
I respect you very much as a soldier,
515
00:25:07,540 --> 00:25:09,540
but beyond that, no.
516
00:25:09,980 --> 00:25:11,530
But I saved your life!
517
00:25:11,580 --> 00:25:14,610
~ And you were doing your job.
~ (Twice!) ~ Both times.
518
00:25:14,660 --> 00:25:16,490
So, I'm sorry that you
feel this way, Simon,
519
00:25:16,540 --> 00:25:19,840
but I do not, will not,
and cannot reciprocate.
520
00:25:20,460 --> 00:25:22,130
~ Clear?
~ Ma'am.
521
00:25:28,620 --> 00:25:30,580
GUITAR STRUMS
522
00:25:34,780 --> 00:25:37,570
Whatever I said, whatever I did
523
00:25:37,620 --> 00:25:39,010
I didn't mean it
524
00:25:39,060 --> 00:25:41,570
I just want you back for good
525
00:25:41,620 --> 00:25:43,130
Want you back
526
00:25:43,180 --> 00:25:44,730
Want you back
527
00:25:44,780 --> 00:25:46,610
Want you back for go-o-od
528
00:25:46,660 --> 00:25:48,170
Whenever I'm wrong...
529
00:25:48,220 --> 00:25:50,020
She loves me not.
530
00:25:50,540 --> 00:25:52,340
She loves me not.
531
00:25:53,020 --> 00:25:54,820
She loves me not.
532
00:25:56,380 --> 00:25:58,180
She loves me not.
533
00:26:00,980 --> 00:26:03,490
What the fuck did you make me do?
534
00:26:03,540 --> 00:26:05,540
Oh, it was therapy!
535
00:26:06,500 --> 00:26:10,250
~ If I hadn't done all that, you'd be hung
up on her for years, like with Charlotte. ~ But...
536
00:26:10,300 --> 00:26:11,930
Now, you can move on.
537
00:26:11,980 --> 00:26:13,780
Find someone new.
538
00:26:14,060 --> 00:26:15,410
There's no-one.
539
00:26:15,460 --> 00:26:17,290
SHE SIGHS There will be.
540
00:26:17,340 --> 00:26:20,450
Someone on your level. Someone
who shows an interest in you.
541
00:26:20,500 --> 00:26:23,660
ROMANTIC WISTFUL GUITAR
542
00:26:27,460 --> 00:26:28,770
Fucking hell!
543
00:26:28,820 --> 00:26:30,210
Not me, you dickhead!
544
00:26:30,260 --> 00:26:32,810
~ Oh, God!
~ Oh, God!
545
00:26:32,860 --> 00:26:34,260
Oh, God!
546
00:26:35,700 --> 00:26:37,170
(Oh, God.)
547
00:26:47,460 --> 00:26:48,490
Oh!
548
00:26:48,540 --> 00:26:50,090
Rifle's no fair!
549
00:26:50,140 --> 00:26:52,170
It's got to be a melee weapon!
550
00:26:52,220 --> 00:26:53,890
Fix bayonets.
551
00:26:57,540 --> 00:26:58,850
OK...
552
00:26:58,900 --> 00:27:00,450
but no bullets.
553
00:27:00,500 --> 00:27:02,440
That'd be cheating.
554
00:27:06,620 --> 00:27:10,020
LOW DRUM, SPEEDING UP
555
00:27:14,180 --> 00:27:15,890
On my signal,
556
00:27:15,940 --> 00:27:21,170
unleash he-e-e-e-ell!
557
00:27:21,220 --> 00:27:22,210
Argh!
558
00:27:22,260 --> 00:27:24,530
AIRHORN BLASTS
559
00:27:24,580 --> 00:27:25,970
My net!
560
00:27:26,020 --> 00:27:27,010
Ah!
561
00:27:27,060 --> 00:27:29,100
Ah, shit! No!
562
00:27:30,820 --> 00:27:32,170
Oh.
563
00:27:32,220 --> 00:27:33,850
Help!
564
00:27:33,900 --> 00:27:35,210
Well...
565
00:27:35,260 --> 00:27:36,530
that answered that question.
566
00:27:36,580 --> 00:27:38,700
ROCKET LAUGHS MADLY
567
00:27:40,260 --> 00:27:42,370
~ Fork!
~ MAC GROANS
568
00:27:42,420 --> 00:27:45,530
~ Fork, fork, fork!
~ MAC GROANS
569
00:27:45,580 --> 00:27:47,530
Fork!
570
00:27:47,580 --> 00:27:48,620
Fork! Fork...
571
00:27:48,670 --> 00:27:53,220
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