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1
00:00:05,495 --> 00:00:08,054
It's dangerous enough
without setting fire to the base.
2
00:00:08,055 --> 00:00:12,675
What's the first rule?
Don't set fire to the base? Don't set fire... exactly!
3
00:00:12,726 --> 00:00:14,527
In fairness, sir,
there was no real harm done.
4
00:00:14,674 --> 00:00:17,254
The paperwork's safe in the ISO,
and nobody's been hurt.
5
00:00:17,272 --> 00:00:20,791
Oh, that is good news. It'd be awful
if Mac or Rocket had been singed.
6
00:00:20,792 --> 00:00:22,751
I presume they're to
blame for this debacle?
7
00:00:22,752 --> 00:00:25,751
Well, I will be investigating the
cause of this fire vigorously, sir.
8
00:00:25,752 --> 00:00:29,351
How is this going to look when
the Secretary of State for Defence arrives tomorrow?
9
00:00:29,352 --> 00:00:30,792
Is he? Or she?
10
00:00:30,894 --> 00:00:33,573
Five hours of standing around,
nodding, pointing...
11
00:00:33,574 --> 00:00:34,973
Tell me about it.
12
00:00:34,974 --> 00:00:38,933
Pretending to laugh at his stupid
jokes. HTEA. HTEA?
13
00:00:38,934 --> 00:00:41,973
Having to explain acronyms. Awful.
Oh, and did I mention?
14
00:00:41,974 --> 00:00:44,893
You'll be looking after him. What?!
As a favour to me.
15
00:00:44,894 --> 00:00:47,693
Since this whole fire incident has
really brought us together.
16
00:00:47,694 --> 00:00:49,373
No, but, sir, I am on call for...
17
00:00:49,374 --> 00:00:51,813
Yes, yes, if there's a device,
you must go, but otherwise,
18
00:00:51,814 --> 00:00:54,173
you're in charge of keeping this
prize-winning chump
19
00:00:54,174 --> 00:00:57,373
out of harm's way. And out of my way.
Yes, sir.
20
00:00:57,374 --> 00:01:02,173
Do that and I might overlook this
gigantic flaming cock-up.
21
00:01:02,174 --> 00:01:03,294
Carry on.
22
00:01:07,054 --> 00:01:09,734
Do you want your kebab now, boss?
Yes, I do.
23
00:01:11,174 --> 00:01:13,766
Ah! Hot! Hot, hot!
24
00:01:13,767 --> 00:01:40,152
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
25
00:01:42,734 --> 00:01:45,453
OK, guys. Everything squared away?
Yes, boss.
26
00:01:45,454 --> 00:01:49,533
And by everything, I mean a bunch
of fire-damaged kit and ashes.
27
00:01:49,534 --> 00:01:52,614
Why, Gloria, why?
28
00:01:52,718 --> 00:01:55,037
Get that thing thrown away.
29
00:01:55,038 --> 00:01:58,757
Boss, the fire safety on this base
is a shambles.
30
00:01:58,758 --> 00:02:00,158
What makes you say that?
31
00:02:01,358 --> 00:02:04,397
I did try and warn you
about the dangers of barbecues but...
32
00:02:04,398 --> 00:02:07,037
Faruq got us a goat.
It needs eating.
33
00:02:07,038 --> 00:02:10,197
I would like to volunteer to be the
fire safety officer for the base.
34
00:02:10,198 --> 00:02:11,477
Fine. I'm ideal for the job
35
00:02:11,478 --> 00:02:14,077
because I am used to pre-empting
danger with my hawk-like...
36
00:02:14,078 --> 00:02:16,517
I said "fine", Simon.
Go and see the lieutenant colonel.
37
00:02:16,518 --> 00:02:19,157
I'm sure he'll be just as excited as
I am. Yes, boss!
38
00:02:19,158 --> 00:02:21,477
Boss, there's someone at the gate
asking for you.
39
00:02:21,478 --> 00:02:25,997
Oh, that will be my Ocado order.
A bloke called Ahmed. Young-ish.
40
00:02:25,998 --> 00:02:28,557
Friendly-ish. Bellend-ish.
41
00:02:28,558 --> 00:02:31,317
Unfortunately he thinks he's on our
side, so we can't shoot him.
42
00:02:31,318 --> 00:02:33,997
Did I mention he's an utter bellend?
Well, he seemed fine to me.
43
00:02:33,998 --> 00:02:37,077
I bet you anything he's a bellend.
You can't prove someone's a bellend.
44
00:02:37,078 --> 00:02:39,877
Ten dollars. Within 24 hours,
you'll be calling him a bellend.
45
00:02:39,878 --> 00:02:42,397
You're on!
All right, Towerblock.
46
00:02:42,398 --> 00:02:45,477
You can go and make your own
unbiased assessment of his bellendery.
47
00:02:45,478 --> 00:02:47,797
Oh, and he may have brought
an IED with him.
48
00:02:47,798 --> 00:02:50,557
His hobby is digging them
out of the ground to show us.
49
00:02:50,558 --> 00:02:53,757
Really? Yeah. It's weird. You know,
we have the same hobby and yet
50
00:02:53,758 --> 00:02:56,317
I still don't like him.
51
00:02:56,318 --> 00:02:58,038
Now, off you fuck.
52
00:03:02,718 --> 00:03:05,797
Sorry, Ahmed. The captain's busy.
53
00:03:05,798 --> 00:03:08,037
Well, this is OK. The two of us,
we can work together.
54
00:03:08,038 --> 00:03:11,958
I wish to ensure the safe disposal
of these land mines.
55
00:03:14,358 --> 00:03:16,077
OK...
56
00:03:16,078 --> 00:03:19,397
Good, but we'd prefer it if you'd
just leave them where you...
57
00:03:19,398 --> 00:03:22,398
Shit! Stop! Don't throw them around!
That is TNT coming out!
58
00:03:24,758 --> 00:03:26,677
Chillax it, mate. They're old!
59
00:03:26,678 --> 00:03:29,357
If they were going to go pop,
they would have gone by now.
60
00:03:29,358 --> 00:03:30,478
Am I right?
61
00:03:31,838 --> 00:03:33,358
Listen, you total bell...
62
00:03:34,878 --> 00:03:38,717
You totally believe...
63
00:03:38,718 --> 00:03:43,037
that you're doing the right thing,
but it's probably best if we just
64
00:03:43,038 --> 00:03:48,197
place them carefully in the pit
while trying to keep them level.
65
00:03:48,198 --> 00:03:49,478
OK? OK.
66
00:03:50,638 --> 00:03:53,917
Shit! Best of both worlds, mate.
67
00:03:53,918 --> 00:03:57,357
I throw them to you, you place them
carefully in the pit!
68
00:03:57,358 --> 00:03:58,478
OK?
69
00:04:02,758 --> 00:04:05,237
Mary,
you look more fragrant than ever.
70
00:04:05,238 --> 00:04:07,677
I'm not showing the minister around.
Oh, come on, Mary!
71
00:04:07,678 --> 00:04:10,757
I've got 1,023 more important things
to do than babysit a PONTI for
72
00:04:10,758 --> 00:04:12,117
the next five hours.
73
00:04:12,118 --> 00:04:14,997
So have I... What did you call him?
PONTI?
74
00:04:14,998 --> 00:04:17,757
P-O-N-T-I.
Person Of No Tactical Importance.
75
00:04:17,758 --> 00:04:20,357
Well, that's about right.
Because if I have to look after him,
76
00:04:20,358 --> 00:04:23,357
I'll end up punching the Tory
twat in his stupid Tory face.
77
00:04:23,358 --> 00:04:27,077
Wow! Did not see that one coming!
Bloody Tories, cutting benefits,
78
00:04:27,078 --> 00:04:29,637
cutting taxes for the rich
and cutting the Army.
79
00:04:29,638 --> 00:04:31,397
And taking the Lib Dems down
with them.
80
00:04:31,398 --> 00:04:34,517
Well, You're foxy when you're cross.
We should talk politics more often.
81
00:04:34,518 --> 00:04:37,037
Let's have a steamy night in
and talk about foreign policy.
82
00:04:37,038 --> 00:04:39,757
Nick! This does actually matter.
Sure it does. It does!
83
00:04:39,758 --> 00:04:40,957
No, I'm agreeing.
84
00:04:40,958 --> 00:04:43,478
No, you're not.
Anyway, who do you vote for?
85
00:04:45,238 --> 00:04:48,077
You do vote, right? Yeah, I vote.
86
00:04:48,078 --> 00:04:51,078
I voted for...
Who was the hot girl on X Factor?
87
00:04:53,478 --> 00:04:55,078
Bye, Nick.
88
00:05:05,078 --> 00:05:07,597
Sir, in view of recent events,
89
00:05:07,598 --> 00:05:10,517
I would like to volunteer to be the
fire safety officer for the base.
90
00:05:10,518 --> 00:05:11,677
Fine.
91
00:05:11,678 --> 00:05:14,677
I'm ideal for the job because I'm
used to pre-empting danger with...
92
00:05:14,678 --> 00:05:18,357
I said "fine". Talk to CQMS.
He might have some equipment...
93
00:05:18,358 --> 00:05:20,438
Sir... or a special hat.
94
00:05:30,918 --> 00:05:33,998
Why do ministers
insist on visiting Afghanistan?
95
00:05:35,158 --> 00:05:38,237
Why don't they just watch
Ross Kemp, like everyone else?
96
00:05:38,238 --> 00:05:41,917
And they always drive off the heli
in a natty little Land Rover.
97
00:05:41,918 --> 00:05:45,758
I'm a lieutenant colonel and I don't
have a natty little Land Rover.
98
00:05:48,838 --> 00:05:51,157
Are you saying
you want a Land Rover, sir?
99
00:05:51,158 --> 00:05:54,038
What's the first rule?
Get a Land Rover.
100
00:05:56,478 --> 00:05:57,918
See?
101
00:06:05,678 --> 00:06:08,437
Good morning, Colonel.
I'm the minister.
102
00:06:08,438 --> 00:06:10,037
Don't take the fucking piss, mate.
103
00:06:10,038 --> 00:06:13,357
I think I know who the
Secretary of State for Defence is.
104
00:06:13,358 --> 00:06:17,597
Uh, I'm the Minister
for the Armed Forces? Colin Walters?
105
00:06:17,598 --> 00:06:20,277
Welcome to the base, sir.
Please excuse my earlier comments.
106
00:06:20,278 --> 00:06:22,957
Don't worry, it happens
all the time. I'm new!
107
00:06:22,958 --> 00:06:25,397
Lieutenant Colonel Smith.
This is Captain Medhurst,
108
00:06:25,398 --> 00:06:27,757
who has generously volunteered to
look after you for
109
00:06:27,758 --> 00:06:30,397
the few hours that we're
delighted you could spend with us.
110
00:06:30,398 --> 00:06:33,877
Much obliged. Ooh, Tim,
write these names down, please.
111
00:06:33,878 --> 00:06:36,477
Uh, this is Corporal House, sir.
Sir. House.
112
00:06:36,478 --> 00:06:38,957
And Corporal Bird, sir. Bird.
113
00:06:38,958 --> 00:06:42,837
Lance Corporal Simon Lansley.
Fire safety officer.
114
00:06:42,838 --> 00:06:45,158
Which as you can see is going
very well.
115
00:06:46,438 --> 00:06:47,957
Minister, can I get you a brew?
116
00:06:47,958 --> 00:06:50,158
Yes, a brew would be lovely.
Thank you.
117
00:07:00,078 --> 00:07:04,277
So, Jenny got moved to Transport,
Neil got done for expenses,
118
00:07:04,278 --> 00:07:06,317
and the next thing was,
119
00:07:06,318 --> 00:07:09,677
I got a call saying, "Fancy being
Minister for the Armed Forces?"
120
00:07:09,678 --> 00:07:11,717
What an inspiring story.
121
00:07:11,718 --> 00:07:13,877
It's quite funny
when you think about it.
122
00:07:13,878 --> 00:07:15,037
I wasn't even a Cub Scout.
123
00:07:15,038 --> 00:07:17,037
And it's all one big
game of Cubs out here.
124
00:07:17,038 --> 00:07:19,478
Aye. Dib, dib, dib.
Step, step, bang!
125
00:07:20,598 --> 00:07:25,317
Oh, sorry... No, I... Look, I really
need to see the full picture.
126
00:07:25,318 --> 00:07:28,317
I need to see the grit.
The muck. The danger.
127
00:07:28,318 --> 00:07:31,277
Sir, I've been tasked with keeping
you out of harm's way so I...
128
00:07:31,278 --> 00:07:34,397
No, no, no...
I want to be in harm's way.
129
00:07:34,398 --> 00:07:36,877
Yeah, it's just I hear that
getting your legs blown off
130
00:07:36,878 --> 00:07:38,837
isn't quite as fun as you'd first
imagine.
131
00:07:38,838 --> 00:07:40,877
What I meant was...
132
00:07:40,878 --> 00:07:44,037
I just want to see something go
bang, but you're right.
133
00:07:44,038 --> 00:07:49,557
What I'm really here for is to find
out what you guys want from us. Tim?
134
00:07:49,558 --> 00:07:51,357
Better food. Yes.
135
00:07:51,358 --> 00:07:54,877
Oh, more food. Relocation of the
entire war to Tuscany.
136
00:07:54,878 --> 00:07:58,277
Ha! That's good, that's good.
Don't write that down, Tim.
137
00:07:58,278 --> 00:08:00,677
Maybe you could show me
around the base, hmm,
138
00:08:00,678 --> 00:08:02,317
and then we'll see where we get to?
139
00:08:02,318 --> 00:08:04,278
We'll just get to a different
bit of the base?
140
00:08:06,598 --> 00:08:07,957
Ooh, ah, boss.
141
00:08:07,958 --> 00:08:11,077
Permission to deliver a fire safety
lecture at a suitable time...
142
00:08:11,078 --> 00:08:12,397
Denied.
143
00:08:12,398 --> 00:08:15,797
"In case of emergency shout, 'Fire,
fire, fire.' " Sounds reasonable.
144
00:08:15,798 --> 00:08:18,557
Except in a war zone, where we
all have weapons.
145
00:08:18,558 --> 00:08:19,837
Oh, yes! Good point.
146
00:08:19,838 --> 00:08:22,078
Thank you, Fire Officer Lansley.
147
00:08:27,318 --> 00:08:28,638
Who took...? No.
148
00:08:31,598 --> 00:08:32,797
Oh, hi, Mary.
149
00:08:32,798 --> 00:08:34,917
I literally had no idea
you'd be in here.
150
00:08:34,918 --> 00:08:37,237
Ah, the padre in the chapel -
what are the chances?
151
00:08:37,238 --> 00:08:40,357
Look, if it's about that Tory twat
again, I've already told you... Oh!
152
00:08:40,358 --> 00:08:42,357
Gosh! Hello! Hello!
153
00:08:42,358 --> 00:08:45,197
Rev Mary Greenstock.
Nice to meet you. I'm Colin Wal...
154
00:08:45,198 --> 00:08:49,197
Walters, yes, I know, yes,
Lib Dem member for Croydon West.
155
00:08:49,198 --> 00:08:51,797
What's all this? You know him, then?
Oi-oi!
156
00:08:51,798 --> 00:08:55,517
No, no, no, not personally.
Well, I wish!
157
00:08:55,518 --> 00:08:59,157
No, I mean, I know your work.
I know your work.
158
00:08:59,158 --> 00:09:03,277
He's a Methodist lay preacher and
tireless social justice campaigner.
159
00:09:03,278 --> 00:09:07,157
Good news, Minister, we appear to
have flushed out your stalker.
160
00:09:07,158 --> 00:09:09,638
Oh! Stalker!
161
00:09:11,118 --> 00:09:14,517
By the way, the photo on your website
doesn't do you justice.
162
00:09:14,518 --> 00:09:15,837
Seriously?
163
00:09:15,838 --> 00:09:20,997
Oh, well, I'm sure that if the
chaplains' department wanted someone
164
00:09:20,998 --> 00:09:25,398
to put on their, er, website, they
couldn't do better than you, Padre.
165
00:09:27,598 --> 00:09:31,717
Minister... Look,
why don't I show the minister around?
166
00:09:31,718 --> 00:09:35,637
Because I think Nick must
have 1,023 things to do.
167
00:09:35,638 --> 00:09:37,397
No, actually, no.
168
00:09:37,398 --> 00:09:40,117
Boss, we've got a shout on
suspected IED in Yellow 15.
169
00:09:40,118 --> 00:09:43,277
1,024 now. You must go.
170
00:09:43,278 --> 00:09:45,797
No hurry.
The bomb'll still be there.
171
00:09:45,798 --> 00:09:47,517
But what if somebody steps on it?
172
00:09:47,518 --> 00:09:49,798
Then it won't be there.
Problem solved.
173
00:09:53,438 --> 00:09:55,198
Fine... I'll do the bomb.
174
00:10:06,398 --> 00:10:09,637
Ooh! When we get back,
let's eat the rest of that meat.
175
00:10:09,638 --> 00:10:14,237
No more barbecues! That's an order
from the fire safety officer.
176
00:10:14,238 --> 00:10:16,957
But we've still got
three-quarters of our goat left,
177
00:10:16,958 --> 00:10:20,318
and it's no' that nice raw.
I don't care! No more barbecues!
178
00:10:23,598 --> 00:10:26,718
What if... we didn't cook
it on a barbecue...
179
00:10:27,758 --> 00:10:29,477
You want tandoor?
180
00:10:29,478 --> 00:10:31,197
What's a tandoor?
181
00:10:31,198 --> 00:10:35,317
A clay oven. Very hot fire.
Bury it in the ground.
182
00:10:35,318 --> 00:10:38,037
Kebabs - delicious.
183
00:10:38,038 --> 00:10:41,437
We should get that.
I find one for you. We shall agree.
184
00:10:41,438 --> 00:10:43,797
100 dollars.
I'll give you 20. Done.
185
00:10:43,798 --> 00:10:45,877
What was that?
What were you selling him?
186
00:10:45,878 --> 00:10:47,158
Porn.
187
00:10:49,598 --> 00:10:54,557
Right, Towerblock,
this device is very unstable,
188
00:10:54,558 --> 00:10:56,757
so I think we're going to have to
blow it in situ.
189
00:10:56,758 --> 00:10:59,317
But what about collecting evidence
for forensics?
190
00:10:59,318 --> 00:11:01,797
Fine, if we have to.
191
00:11:01,798 --> 00:11:06,517
But gotta work fast cos we're
losing the light.
192
00:11:06,518 --> 00:11:11,597
Yeah, good point. It does always
get dark around noon!
193
00:11:11,598 --> 00:11:13,397
At least I think is says noon.
194
00:11:13,398 --> 00:11:15,957
The sun's so blindingly bright
I can't quite...
195
00:11:15,958 --> 00:11:17,197
Yes, all right.
196
00:11:17,198 --> 00:11:19,637
I have to get back to get
that PONTI away from Mary.
197
00:11:19,638 --> 00:11:22,117
Ah. Probably too late.
198
00:11:22,118 --> 00:11:24,438
He'll be bending her over the altar
as we speak.
199
00:11:25,518 --> 00:11:27,557
I'm saying they're fucking.
Yes, all right!
200
00:11:27,558 --> 00:11:30,117
Boss, I see movement.
Something is happening.
201
00:11:30,118 --> 00:11:32,318
Glad we're paying extra for detail.
202
00:11:39,238 --> 00:11:41,237
Do not engage until we PID.
203
00:11:41,238 --> 00:11:42,757
Do not engage until PID.
204
00:11:42,758 --> 00:11:44,837
Diamond 21,
this is Bluestone 42.
205
00:11:44,838 --> 00:11:45,998
Contact. Wait out.
206
00:11:47,438 --> 00:11:48,797
Who the fuck is that?
207
00:11:48,798 --> 00:11:52,757
Do not engage! It's Ahmed!
I thought he...?
208
00:11:52,758 --> 00:11:54,917
Oh, fucking hell!
209
00:11:54,918 --> 00:11:59,837
Ahmed,
stop shooting your fucking gun!
210
00:11:59,838 --> 00:12:01,158
Taliban!
211
00:12:03,678 --> 00:12:06,078
He says the Taliban can
lick his balls!
212
00:12:10,118 --> 00:12:12,597
I can see them.
The Taliban - not his balls.
213
00:12:12,598 --> 00:12:14,438
Tree line - two o'clock.
214
00:12:26,358 --> 00:12:28,637
Ahmed, you have to stop doing this!
215
00:12:28,638 --> 00:12:33,197
But, Bluestoners, I came to
help my new friend, Towerblock!
216
00:12:33,198 --> 00:12:35,237
We make an awesome team.
217
00:12:35,238 --> 00:12:39,397
There we go, Towerblock.
Some training on handling locals.
218
00:12:39,398 --> 00:12:41,837
Why don't you outline
the rules of engagement to Ahmed
219
00:12:41,838 --> 00:12:44,557
so I don't have to punch him
in the face?
220
00:12:44,558 --> 00:12:50,997
Er, OK, Ahmed, if you want to get
involved, you need to join the ANA.
221
00:12:50,998 --> 00:12:53,117
Ahmed,
why don't you share your views
222
00:12:53,118 --> 00:12:55,837
on the Afghan National Army with
Towerblock here?
223
00:12:55,838 --> 00:12:58,037
They can lick my balls!
224
00:12:58,038 --> 00:13:00,397
He seems really keen on people
licking his balls.
225
00:13:00,398 --> 00:13:02,437
Maybe he doesn't have a shower.
226
00:13:02,438 --> 00:13:06,557
What you're doing fucks up
the rules of engagement.
227
00:13:06,558 --> 00:13:09,997
We need positive
ID before we return fire.
228
00:13:09,998 --> 00:13:14,557
This is what I like about the
British. They are all about jokes!
229
00:13:14,558 --> 00:13:17,917
My most favourite comedian is
Michael McIntyre.
230
00:13:17,918 --> 00:13:19,917
And what's our favourite
joke of his?
231
00:13:19,918 --> 00:13:23,117
Oh! The first time I heard him,
I thought, yes!
232
00:13:23,118 --> 00:13:25,077
I, too, have man drawer!
233
00:13:25,078 --> 00:13:27,197
And... what do you keep in it?
234
00:13:27,198 --> 00:13:28,877
Grenades.
235
00:13:28,878 --> 00:13:31,277
Course you do!
236
00:13:31,278 --> 00:13:35,438
See? A massive end of a
gigantic bell.
237
00:13:41,678 --> 00:13:44,637
Sir! Hi, Nick. Padre.
238
00:13:44,638 --> 00:13:47,757
Sir, if I could peel
you off Mary for just one moment.
239
00:13:47,758 --> 00:13:50,917
I'm about to conduct a logistical
demolition and I wondered if you
240
00:13:50,918 --> 00:13:55,117
would like to spend your last hour
with us watching something go bang?
241
00:13:55,118 --> 00:13:58,357
Ooh. That sounds good.
Mary, do you mind?
242
00:13:58,358 --> 00:14:01,637
No, of course not.
No, no, no... You're the boss.
243
00:14:01,638 --> 00:14:04,237
Literally. Sorry.
244
00:14:04,238 --> 00:14:06,877
No, I'm just
the Minister for the Armed Forces.
245
00:14:06,878 --> 00:14:08,597
I can't even start a war.
246
00:14:08,598 --> 00:14:10,198
Well, that's something. Shall we?
247
00:14:22,638 --> 00:14:25,477
Ah, Private, could you hop out
so I can borrow this vehicle?
248
00:14:25,478 --> 00:14:27,437
Er... no, sir.
249
00:14:27,438 --> 00:14:28,997
I beg your pardon?
250
00:14:28,998 --> 00:14:31,837
This vehicle is for the exclusive
use of the minster, sir.
251
00:14:31,838 --> 00:14:33,237
The minister's not here, is he?
252
00:14:33,238 --> 00:14:36,357
So, be a good chap and hop out,
Private.
253
00:14:36,358 --> 00:14:39,837
Sorry, sir.
Specific orders from Brigade HQ.
254
00:14:39,838 --> 00:14:42,437
Well, I'm a lieutenant colonel, so
just...
255
00:14:42,438 --> 00:14:45,598
put those orders to one side.
Temporarily. Sorry, sir.
256
00:14:51,638 --> 00:14:53,438
Can't I just have a tiny go in it?
257
00:14:54,638 --> 00:14:56,078
A tiny, tiny go?
258
00:15:01,518 --> 00:15:04,798
Please? Come on, please?
Superior office, please?
259
00:15:08,118 --> 00:15:10,318
You've made yourself a powerful
enemy, Private.
260
00:15:28,878 --> 00:15:30,277
That should do it.
261
00:15:30,278 --> 00:15:32,477
Boss, the colonel said to keep
him out of harm's way.
262
00:15:32,478 --> 00:15:36,397
This is out of harm's way... ish.
And it's out of Mary's way.
263
00:15:36,398 --> 00:15:39,077
I saw how much serviceable
explosive you used.
264
00:15:39,078 --> 00:15:41,077
They're going to hear this in Kabul.
Fuck it!
265
00:15:41,078 --> 00:15:43,477
I've got to stop him slithering
into Mary's affections
266
00:15:43,478 --> 00:15:45,798
like some kind of tiresome,
parasitic worm.
267
00:15:48,318 --> 00:15:50,638
Right. Time for some fireworks.
268
00:15:51,918 --> 00:15:55,077
I mean the safe disposal of ordnance
in a controlled environment.
269
00:15:55,078 --> 00:15:57,237
Can I press the button?!
Can I press the button?!
270
00:15:57,238 --> 00:15:59,477
Towerblock, we have guests!
271
00:15:59,478 --> 00:16:03,397
Sorry. Sir,
would you like to press the button?
272
00:16:03,398 --> 00:16:04,677
Yes, please!
273
00:16:04,678 --> 00:16:06,597
Everyone in cover!
274
00:16:06,598 --> 00:16:11,397
Stand by. Controlled explosion in
seconds one zero.
275
00:16:11,398 --> 00:16:13,717
Ten... Sir, if you just wait for the
countdown...
276
00:16:13,718 --> 00:16:16,237
..nine... ..then push those two
together. ..eight,
277
00:16:16,238 --> 00:16:19,557
seven, six, five...
Should have a bit of a kick.
278
00:16:19,558 --> 00:16:21,397
I bumped up the donor charges
by 10%.
279
00:16:21,398 --> 00:16:23,677
..four, three, two...
280
00:16:23,678 --> 00:16:25,317
But I already did that.
281
00:16:25,318 --> 00:16:28,078
- ..one.
- Oh, shit Firing!
282
00:16:36,598 --> 00:16:37,918
Oh, yes!
283
00:16:41,118 --> 00:16:43,677
Woo-hoo! So, Minister, this is what
we do.
284
00:16:43,678 --> 00:16:46,317
Wow! Fantastic.
Shame you can't stay any longer.
285
00:16:46,318 --> 00:16:48,317
We could've taken you
out in the field with us.
286
00:16:48,318 --> 00:16:50,677
Do you really mean that? Course!
287
00:16:50,678 --> 00:16:53,957
Tim,
cancel my meetings for tomorrow.
288
00:16:53,958 --> 00:16:55,878
I'm staying with Bluestone 42.
289
00:17:01,438 --> 00:17:02,517
Oops.
290
00:17:02,518 --> 00:17:05,957
And how long does he think he's
staying for? A week? A lunar month?
291
00:17:05,958 --> 00:17:07,597
Well, I hope it's... Shut up!
292
00:17:07,598 --> 00:17:10,957
Medhurst, you are without doubt one
of the least professional officers
293
00:17:10,958 --> 00:17:13,037
I've ever had the misfortune to meet.
294
00:17:13,038 --> 00:17:15,317
And I've been on joint ops
with the French!
295
00:17:15,318 --> 00:17:18,597
Sir, he did specifically request
to see a controlled demolition.
296
00:17:18,598 --> 00:17:21,997
Oh, then since you're in a generous
mood, I'm specifically requesting
297
00:17:21,998 --> 00:17:24,957
that you baby-sit that tiresome clot
until he leaves, at which point,
298
00:17:24,958 --> 00:17:27,797
you will be on shit-burning duty for
the next six months. Sir.
299
00:17:27,798 --> 00:17:29,797
Now, if you'd be so kind as to shut
the door
300
00:17:29,798 --> 00:17:31,558
as you get the fuck out of my office?
301
00:17:45,638 --> 00:17:47,277
Is it ready yet?
302
00:17:47,278 --> 00:17:49,838
We've got to keep it at 400 degrees.
303
00:17:52,038 --> 00:17:53,238
Wood.
304
00:17:55,038 --> 00:17:56,158
Paraffin.
305
00:18:12,638 --> 00:18:14,037
Can I smell burning?
306
00:18:14,038 --> 00:18:16,277
Cookhouse, Skip.
307
00:18:16,278 --> 00:18:17,998
It smells like a barbecue.
308
00:18:19,678 --> 00:18:22,198
Aye, aye! It does a bit, doesn't it?
309
00:18:24,638 --> 00:18:27,757
I cannae see a barbecue, though,
Skip.
310
00:18:27,758 --> 00:18:29,238
Must just be the cookhouse.
311
00:18:31,758 --> 00:18:33,277
Fuck!
312
00:18:33,278 --> 00:18:36,517
Why is the ground on fire?! Fire!
313
00:18:36,518 --> 00:18:40,917
Watch out! No, no, no.
That's paraffin!
314
00:18:40,918 --> 00:18:43,438
Ow, ow. Right, get that put out.
315
00:18:44,558 --> 00:18:46,478
I'm going to seek medical advice.
316
00:18:50,398 --> 00:18:52,717
Right. I'm up to my chin in shit
with the colonel.
317
00:18:52,718 --> 00:18:54,317
That shit is rapidly rising.
318
00:18:54,318 --> 00:18:56,037
If we can't get rid of this PONTI,
319
00:18:56,038 --> 00:18:58,077
the shit's going to go above my head
320
00:18:58,078 --> 00:19:00,197
and I'm going to be swimming
in shit.
321
00:19:00,198 --> 00:19:02,637
Towerblock, I need you to
call your bezza, Ahmed.
322
00:19:02,638 --> 00:19:05,357
He's not my bezza.
He's a bellend. You'll see.
323
00:19:05,358 --> 00:19:07,557
Whatever.
At least he's reliably deranged.
324
00:19:07,558 --> 00:19:10,517
What you've got to do is, you've got
to tell him to bring in something
325
00:19:10,518 --> 00:19:14,757
that looks like a massive device,
so the PONTI is evacuated.
326
00:19:14,758 --> 00:19:16,997
You know, like a couple of palm oil
containers,
327
00:19:16,998 --> 00:19:19,917
flour sacks taped together in the
back of his car, bit of old wire.
328
00:19:19,918 --> 00:19:21,517
That's a terrible idea.
329
00:19:21,518 --> 00:19:23,877
The gate guards won't just let him
drive it in.
330
00:19:23,878 --> 00:19:25,917
Everyone watched
Zero Dark Thirty last week
331
00:19:25,918 --> 00:19:27,717
and that's exactly what
happened in that.
332
00:19:27,718 --> 00:19:29,318
Is it? Which bit?
333
00:19:30,358 --> 00:19:34,717
The bit where they drive the car
bomb into the base.
334
00:19:34,718 --> 00:19:37,957
Oh. Yeah. That's my favourite bit.
335
00:19:37,958 --> 00:19:39,318
I never saw it. Was it any good?
336
00:19:40,718 --> 00:19:42,677
Erm, can we just focus here, please?
337
00:19:42,678 --> 00:19:45,117
We will tell the gate guards that
he's just been cleared
338
00:19:45,118 --> 00:19:46,877
as a locally employed civilian.
339
00:19:46,878 --> 00:19:49,957
You will then pretend to check
the car then wave him through.
340
00:19:49,958 --> 00:19:51,797
OK, boss, if you're sure. Yeah!
341
00:19:51,798 --> 00:19:54,837
Just tell him we need something that
looks just like a massive device.
342
00:19:54,838 --> 00:19:58,038
Massive device, but not real.
Obviously not real.
343
00:20:02,118 --> 00:20:06,797
Holy fucking shit!
Are you fucking insane?
344
00:20:06,798 --> 00:20:09,597
I asked for a fake device.
345
00:20:09,598 --> 00:20:13,917
I know, but I found a real one, mate,
so brought you that instead.
346
00:20:13,918 --> 00:20:15,477
And you didn't think to tell us that
347
00:20:15,478 --> 00:20:17,757
before we let you drive
the fucking thing in here?!
348
00:20:17,758 --> 00:20:22,357
I could drive it out again?
It's not safe!
349
00:20:22,358 --> 00:20:23,797
It might be?
350
00:20:23,798 --> 00:20:26,437
Everything all right.
Looks good, doesn't it?
351
00:20:26,438 --> 00:20:27,878
There's a reason for that.
352
00:20:30,678 --> 00:20:32,237
Oh, shit!
353
00:20:32,238 --> 00:20:35,157
I thought you searched the car?
354
00:20:35,158 --> 00:20:36,717
I pretended to search the car.
355
00:20:36,718 --> 00:20:39,757
Yes, but while you were pretending
to search the car, I thought that
356
00:20:39,758 --> 00:20:42,718
you might have noticed...
Doesn't matter, it's too late now.
357
00:20:44,278 --> 00:20:45,437
Get my kit.
358
00:20:45,438 --> 00:20:47,997
We'll set up an ICP over there
and evacuate to the perimeter
359
00:20:47,998 --> 00:20:53,197
and we'll just tell everyone there's
a suspicious-looking device
360
00:20:53,198 --> 00:20:58,157
in the car. OK? Yeah, OK.
361
00:20:58,158 --> 00:21:00,197
What am I going to do?
362
00:21:00,198 --> 00:21:03,318
Not smoke! Bellend!
363
00:21:09,958 --> 00:21:12,397
So, are we on? Yes. Slight
development. The bomb is real.
364
00:21:12,398 --> 00:21:14,317
What?!
365
00:21:14,318 --> 00:21:15,637
I thought it was a fake bomb.
366
00:21:15,638 --> 00:21:18,597
Yeah. So did I.
Turns out it's a real one. Hang on.
367
00:21:18,598 --> 00:21:21,357
If the bomb that was meant to be fake
is actually real,
368
00:21:21,358 --> 00:21:22,557
then nothing's changed.
369
00:21:22,558 --> 00:21:24,957
There's no trouble.
We still evacuate him.
370
00:21:24,958 --> 00:21:26,037
Everything's OK.
371
00:21:26,038 --> 00:21:30,037
Yes, Simon - everything's OK,
apart from the socking great bomb,
372
00:21:30,038 --> 00:21:32,758
right there, that could flatten out
most of the base.
373
00:21:33,758 --> 00:21:36,877
Oh, yeah. Good morning, chaps!
Has anyone seen the padre?
374
00:21:36,878 --> 00:21:38,277
Nope.
375
00:21:38,278 --> 00:21:41,677
I hope I didn't frighten her off!
Is everything all right?
376
00:21:41,678 --> 00:21:42,957
This some sort of drill?
377
00:21:42,958 --> 00:21:44,677
Funny story, Minister. That is
378
00:21:44,678 --> 00:21:46,637
if you like stories that end with,
379
00:21:46,638 --> 00:21:49,038
"There's a bomb in that car!"
380
00:21:53,558 --> 00:21:54,678
A bomb?
381
00:21:56,038 --> 00:22:00,077
Is it going to go off?
No. Milk goes off. Cheese goes off.
382
00:22:00,078 --> 00:22:04,717
Bombs function,
detonate or destroy the entire base.
383
00:22:04,718 --> 00:22:07,397
But what is it even doing in
the base?
384
00:22:07,398 --> 00:22:10,238
Haven't you seen Zero Dark Thirty?
Aye. It was shite.
385
00:22:11,438 --> 00:22:13,677
Yes, all right! To sum up -
it's a firm three stars.
386
00:22:13,678 --> 00:22:17,797
I'm sorry, Minister, but I'm afraid
we're going to have to get you in a heli while I do a render safe.
387
00:22:17,798 --> 00:22:19,917
I already took the liberty
of ordering you one.
388
00:22:19,918 --> 00:22:22,878
It's the Afghan Air Force, so
good luck. Shall we wait over here?
389
00:22:25,398 --> 00:22:26,477
Right.
390
00:22:26,478 --> 00:22:29,757
Let's hope I can sort this quickly
before the colonel finds out.
391
00:22:29,758 --> 00:22:31,277
Oh.
392
00:22:31,278 --> 00:22:34,717
Might just be me, but it seems this
whole area is being evacuated.
393
00:22:34,718 --> 00:22:36,637
Sir, if I can explain? That car...
394
00:22:36,638 --> 00:22:39,317
Don't drive a fucking car bomb
into the fucking base!
395
00:22:39,318 --> 00:22:42,877
That's not even the first rule,
it's so fucking obvious.
396
00:22:42,878 --> 00:22:45,277
Sir.
Deal with that, then come and see me.
397
00:22:45,278 --> 00:22:47,757
I'm going to personally make sure
that you are moved to
398
00:22:47,758 --> 00:22:49,597
the shittiest desk job in the Army,
399
00:22:49,598 --> 00:22:51,278
where even the desk is made of shit.
400
00:22:55,398 --> 00:22:56,758
Awkward!
401
00:23:02,558 --> 00:23:04,277
How long until the chopper
gets here?
402
00:23:04,278 --> 00:23:06,477
I really want to say goodbye to
Mary before I leave.
403
00:23:06,478 --> 00:23:09,237
Oh, feel free to pop out, sir,
and find her. Oh, really?
404
00:23:09,238 --> 00:23:12,318
Yeah,
just take a left at the car bomb.
405
00:23:15,318 --> 00:23:17,397
Hey, Bluestoners!
406
00:23:17,398 --> 00:23:20,558
No cigarettes in here!
This is live ammunition.
407
00:23:22,518 --> 00:23:25,718
Would a joint be OK?
I feel kinda tense.
408
00:23:28,318 --> 00:23:31,437
Roger that. Taxi for the minister.
409
00:23:31,438 --> 00:23:32,998
Thank God!
410
00:23:51,678 --> 00:23:54,157
I can't take any positive action
while the heli's there.
411
00:23:54,158 --> 00:23:56,518
Tell him he's clear to land.
Boss.
412
00:23:58,038 --> 00:23:59,477
Are we safe here?
413
00:23:59,478 --> 00:24:01,397
How d'ye mean, safe?
414
00:24:01,398 --> 00:24:04,317
If the bomb were to detonate,
what would happen?
415
00:24:04,318 --> 00:24:06,397
What, here? Yeah.
416
00:24:06,398 --> 00:24:08,157
We'd die.
417
00:24:08,158 --> 00:24:11,117
Aye. Definitely.
418
00:24:11,118 --> 00:24:12,558
Die.
419
00:24:14,358 --> 00:24:16,518
Shit!
420
00:24:46,718 --> 00:24:48,118
Let's do this.
421
00:25:02,198 --> 00:25:04,318
OK, Towerblock, you can sound
the all clear.
422
00:25:13,358 --> 00:25:18,837
Nick, this wasn't all just to
get that PONTI away from me, was it?
423
00:25:18,838 --> 00:25:21,997
No? So, you normally let car bombs
onto the base, do you?
424
00:25:21,998 --> 00:25:25,197
One showing of Zero Dark Thirty
and suddenly everyone's an expert!
425
00:25:25,198 --> 00:25:27,997
Well, if it was to get rid of him,
you needn't have bothered.
426
00:25:27,998 --> 00:25:30,877
Last night he told me
he's about to defect to the Tories,
427
00:25:30,878 --> 00:25:33,717
just to keep his majority
at the next election.
428
00:25:33,718 --> 00:25:35,637
I thought he had principles.
429
00:25:35,638 --> 00:25:39,037
It's just another
Greenstock hope dashed. Sorry.
430
00:25:39,038 --> 00:25:41,718
No, you're not. No, you're right.
431
00:25:44,518 --> 00:25:46,118
So you didn't shag him, then?
432
00:25:49,158 --> 00:25:50,717
All done?
433
00:25:50,718 --> 00:25:53,957
Yeah. Look, as much fun as this
has been, I think I'm going to be
434
00:25:53,958 --> 00:25:56,117
back in the UK before the minister.
435
00:25:56,118 --> 00:25:58,517
The colonel wants to make
a bag-for-life out of my arse.
436
00:25:58,518 --> 00:25:59,837
That's odd,
437
00:25:59,838 --> 00:26:02,517
because you may have noticed
that the minister was evacuated
438
00:26:02,518 --> 00:26:05,517
in a heli rather smaller than
the one that brought him in here.
439
00:26:05,518 --> 00:26:08,558
Too small, in fact,
to fit that in it.
440
00:26:17,598 --> 00:26:20,557
No, oh, no, no! This is not safe!
Get this all cleared up!
441
00:26:20,558 --> 00:26:23,957
Aw, come on. We're having our
morning shish! Where is he?
442
00:26:23,958 --> 00:26:25,077
Sir?
443
00:26:25,078 --> 00:26:28,037
That utterly useless
soon-to-be-Lieutenant Medhurst. He seems...
444
00:26:28,038 --> 00:26:30,597
Sir.
445
00:26:30,598 --> 00:26:34,118
What, erm... It's a Land Rover.
446
00:26:36,198 --> 00:26:37,278
So it is, sir.
447
00:26:38,798 --> 00:26:39,878
So it is.
448
00:26:41,158 --> 00:26:44,197
Thank you, Captain Medhurst,
I knew I could rely on you
449
00:26:44,198 --> 00:26:47,398
and Bluestone 42. Carry on.
450
00:26:53,158 --> 00:26:54,358
Yumbles.
451
00:26:56,638 --> 00:26:58,677
You know what, Towerblock,
452
00:26:58,678 --> 00:27:01,277
you should really have
searched that car better.
453
00:27:01,278 --> 00:27:03,478
I'd left all these
grenades in the glove box.
454
00:27:05,198 --> 00:27:06,637
Right.
455
00:27:06,638 --> 00:27:08,837
Give 'em here - I'll put them
in the pit by the gate.
456
00:27:08,838 --> 00:27:10,557
No. It's OK, mate.
457
00:27:10,558 --> 00:27:14,197
I'll put them in the pit
by the gate.
458
00:27:14,198 --> 00:27:17,477
No, not in the pit by the gate.
459
00:27:17,478 --> 00:27:19,917
In the pit by the gate.
460
00:27:19,918 --> 00:27:21,637
Sure. Funny.
461
00:27:21,638 --> 00:27:24,318
Ahmed, you fucking bellend,
just do what I...
462
00:27:30,718 --> 00:27:31,798
Thank you!
463
00:27:40,198 --> 00:27:42,517
Not by the grenades!
464
00:27:42,518 --> 00:27:46,198
Fire! Fire! Fire!
465
00:27:52,236 --> 00:28:20,970
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466
00:28:21,020 --> 00:28:25,570
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