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Dre: The Johnson family loves Christmas.
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And for us, Christmas kicks off
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00:00:05,050 --> 00:00:08,538
the moment Bow starts washing
dishes after Thanksgiving.
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00:00:08,607 --> 00:00:11,393
From that moment on, it's a countdown
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00:00:11,461 --> 00:00:13,361
to our favorite holiday of the year
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00:00:13,397 --> 00:00:17,298
when a joyous and inclusive
spirit runs through the house.
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This year is extra special
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because of the pleasant surprise
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of my aged wife's fertility.
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And to top it off,
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my favorite
person/international pop star
12
00:00:28,211 --> 00:00:29,711
was coming to stay with us
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00:00:29,746 --> 00:00:32,080
with the baby she'd wished for
for so long.
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00:00:32,149 --> 00:00:35,717
And my least favorite person/
international mooch
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00:00:35,786 --> 00:00:38,119
was leaving, but not fast enough.
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Hey. That's my... That's my...
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Okay. All right.
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But there was something bittersweet
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about this holiday, too.
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00:00:46,430 --> 00:00:49,364
My firstborn, Zoey,
is a senior in high school,
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00:00:49,466 --> 00:00:51,199
and she's about to leave the nest.
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00:00:51,301 --> 00:00:52,934
Dad, you're gazing at me again.
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Please don't go to college!
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Synced & corrected by -robtor-
www.addic7ed.com
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Hey, what's happening, girl?
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I like your new room.
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00:01:03,613 --> 00:01:05,413
Hey, what are you watching? "TRL"?
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Dad, don't.
The friend thing... it's weird.
29
00:01:08,485 --> 00:01:10,547
Yeah, I felt that. Okay, look.
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This is your last Christmas
before you go to college,
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and I want to spend
some quality time with you.
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I was hoping we could make
some memories,
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do the greatest hits...
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perfect tree, cocoa, matching PJs.
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We've never done matching PJs.
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This is our last chance.
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It'll get weird soon.
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Hold on, Dad.
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If you wanted to do Christmas stuff,
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just tell me that.
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I love Christmas. Let's hang.
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[Exhales sharply]
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[Voice breaking] We're gonna hang?
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Thank you.
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Should I look away while
you get yourself together?
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- Yes, please! Please look away!
- Okay, looking away.
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I don't want you
to remember me like this!
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Tell me when you're done.
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50
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- [Sighs] Nope.
- Nope.
51
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Ooh, I think this is for us.
52
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[Gasps]
53
00:02:01,511 --> 00:02:03,363
Ooh, I bet it's a trampoline.
54
00:02:03,391 --> 00:02:05,959
Without looking at it, it is not.
55
00:02:06,061 --> 00:02:08,250
- What are you two doing?
- Laundry.
56
00:02:08,353 --> 00:02:10,630
You don't need to lie to him.
He has no power.
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Well, a certain elf
watching from a distance does.
58
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And he will be very interested
in letting Santa know
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about these violations.
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00:02:19,312 --> 00:02:21,287
Well, the elf isn't in this room.
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So by his law,
none of this ever happened,
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so nobody saw nothing.
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00:02:27,614 --> 00:02:28,847
You won't get away with this.
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00:02:28,949 --> 00:02:31,816
You think that magical
cross-legged sentry is a joke?
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I only see one joke in here.
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It's me, isn't it?
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It's always you.
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[Sighs]
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Rainbow: Aww. Aren't you the cutest?
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[Laughs] Oh, my goodness.
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[Baby voice] You're so cute,
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I just want to put
your foot in my mouth.
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I'm gonna do it. Ahhh!
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- No, uh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- She's touching...
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C-Can... Can you, um,
not put my baby's feet
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into the dirtiest part of your body?
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[Normal voice] Oh.
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00:02:53,573 --> 00:02:54,506
Uh, maybe we just play pretend,
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00:02:54,608 --> 00:02:56,541
like air bites, like, nyah-yah-yah.
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- Nyah-yah-yah.
- Yeah.
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Okay. It's just as fun.
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- Is it?
- Yeah!
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It's even more fun because
then my baby can still live.
84
00:03:02,315 --> 00:03:04,182
Oh! Okay.
85
00:03:04,284 --> 00:03:05,950
Look at all the padding
around the baby's head.
86
00:03:06,052 --> 00:03:08,219
Looks like he's about to blast
off into outer space.
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00:03:08,321 --> 00:03:10,255
- We didn't even have a car
seat for Dre. - What?
88
00:03:10,323 --> 00:03:13,191
- He just rode shotgun and held
my cigarettes for me. - [Laughs]
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00:03:13,293 --> 00:03:15,293
I've got the burns
and the asthma to prove it.
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00:03:15,395 --> 00:03:17,629
[Laughs] Ain't nobody wheeze
like my baby.
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00:03:17,731 --> 00:03:19,164
- [Dre and Ruby laugh]
- [Beeping]
92
00:03:19,266 --> 00:03:20,899
- What is that?
- Oh, it's a sleep monitor.
93
00:03:21,001 --> 00:03:23,034
It lets us know
if the baby isn't breathing
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00:03:23,136 --> 00:03:25,203
or if his heart stops
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or if somebody tries to snatch him.
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Ah. It's a little glitchy, though,
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so seven, eight times a day,
we think our baby died.
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Other than that, it's awesome.
99
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Wow. I forgot how silly new parents are.
100
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[Laughter]
101
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Silly or not, this baby
has not cried once.
102
00:03:38,985 --> 00:03:40,952
Rainbow: Well, of course
you haven't cried.
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With all the beeping and the blinking
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and the padding and the heating,
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you don't have any time
for your own little thoughts,
106
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do you, sweetheart?
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Well, we need to tell Auntie Bow Bow
108
00:03:50,897 --> 00:03:52,597
that Mommy has read all the blogs
109
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and knows exactly what babies need.
110
00:03:54,634 --> 00:03:57,969
Maybe Auntie Bow Bow is a little
out of touch touch.
111
00:03:58,071 --> 00:04:00,138
- Oh.
- Oh, come on, Ruby.
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Baby can't even talk,
113
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and they think he can clearly track
114
00:04:02,909 --> 00:04:04,442
a passive-aggressive conversation
115
00:04:04,511 --> 00:04:05,610
like a divorce arbitrator.
116
00:04:05,712 --> 00:04:06,644
You know, I miss Gene.
117
00:04:06,746 --> 00:04:08,213
Oh, yeah. Gene was good.
118
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Dre: All right, here we go.
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Heading to the garage
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to find our Christmas ornaments.
121
00:04:13,486 --> 00:04:15,720
2016, Zoey and Dre!
122
00:04:15,822 --> 00:04:17,021
Okay, I'm gonna switch to slo-mo.
123
00:04:17,057 --> 00:04:18,089
All right. Ugh!
124
00:04:18,158 --> 00:04:19,057
I can't switch
to slow-mo while I'm filming,
125
00:04:19,125 --> 00:04:20,091
so you're gonna have to fake it.
126
00:04:20,193 --> 00:04:21,192
Okay? Go!
127
00:04:21,261 --> 00:04:25,430
[Slo-mo]
This is the best Christmas ever.
128
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[Chuckles]
129
00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:30,134
[Slo-mo] You guys filming?
130
00:04:30,237 --> 00:04:32,070
Damn it, Junior! Delete.
131
00:04:32,138 --> 00:04:35,039
I'm trying to spend
some time with my child.
132
00:04:35,108 --> 00:04:37,275
Okay, then. I'll be fast.
133
00:04:37,310 --> 00:04:40,144
I'd like to bring up
the twins' behavior of late.
134
00:04:40,213 --> 00:04:42,013
They are making a mockery of the elf!
135
00:04:42,115 --> 00:04:43,147
They're running amok!
136
00:04:43,216 --> 00:04:45,316
Do you even know
what they had for breakfast?
137
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Don't listen to him!
138
00:04:46,686 --> 00:04:49,053
We had a bowl of cereal and fresh fruit.
139
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Uh, next to two slices of toast,
140
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- and a glass of OJ to wash it all down.
- All down.
141
00:04:52,726 --> 00:04:53,625
Lies!
142
00:04:53,693 --> 00:04:54,792
They're just describing
143
00:04:54,861 --> 00:04:57,028
a balanced breakfast
they saw on television!
144
00:04:57,097 --> 00:04:59,197
You know what they really had? Junior.
145
00:04:59,266 --> 00:05:02,000
That cake you hid
in the vegetable crisper.
146
00:05:02,102 --> 00:05:03,434
Hold on.
147
00:05:03,536 --> 00:05:04,903
My shame cake?
148
00:05:05,005 --> 00:05:06,337
- Torched it.
- Ah.
149
00:05:06,373 --> 00:05:07,939
[Whimpers]
150
00:05:08,041 --> 00:05:09,407
Get out of my sight.
151
00:05:09,476 --> 00:05:12,744
And if you even look
at my sadness cookies...
152
00:05:12,812 --> 00:05:15,880
You fix this, Junior. You fix this now.
153
00:05:15,949 --> 00:05:17,482
I swear to God.
154
00:05:17,550 --> 00:05:19,851
You better not let them two
ruin Zoey's Christmas.
155
00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:21,252
You mean all of our Christmases, ri...
156
00:05:21,354 --> 00:05:22,654
You heard what I said.
157
00:05:22,722 --> 00:05:24,689
158
00:05:27,827 --> 00:05:29,694
How long do I need
to keep my finger here?
159
00:05:29,796 --> 00:05:30,895
What does it matter, Earl?
160
00:05:30,964 --> 00:05:32,297
Your drinking hand's still free.
161
00:05:32,399 --> 00:05:34,732
Yeah, well, when you're right,
you're right.
162
00:05:34,801 --> 00:05:36,668
And the bells were ringing out
for Christmas Day
163
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What the hell is this?
164
00:05:37,971 --> 00:05:39,437
Earl, why is this happening?
165
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I don't know, but it's making me
want to beat somebody up.
166
00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:42,941
Knock, knock.
167
00:05:43,009 --> 00:05:44,309
Isn't this great? Huh?
168
00:05:44,377 --> 00:05:46,444
I'm giving you guys
a sample of the CD I made
169
00:05:46,513 --> 00:05:48,379
so I could exchange gifts
without participating
170
00:05:48,448 --> 00:05:49,948
in the Christmas industrial complex.
171
00:05:50,016 --> 00:05:51,516
Why are you connected to my Sonos?
172
00:05:51,618 --> 00:05:53,084
Aren't you supposed to be leaving?
173
00:05:53,153 --> 00:05:54,452
Yeah, yeah. I'll give you a ride.
174
00:05:54,521 --> 00:05:55,853
Oh, no, no. My flight's not until later.
175
00:05:55,956 --> 00:05:58,156
Here. Have a CD. This is track four.
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It's an Irish dystopian vision
of Christmas in a drunk tank.
177
00:06:00,560 --> 00:06:03,227
You are also going to love
"Do They Know It's Christmas?"
178
00:06:03,296 --> 00:06:04,595
-
The boys of the NYPD choir
- Let me see that.
179
00:06:04,664 --> 00:06:06,965
-
Were singing "Galway Bay"
- Aah!
180
00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:10,568
Now, I'm going to make
a real holiday playlist.
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00:06:10,637 --> 00:06:11,536
[Laughs]
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00:06:11,638 --> 00:06:13,338
I'm talking about roasted chestnuts,
183
00:06:13,406 --> 00:06:16,074
angels singing, little drummer boys.
184
00:06:16,176 --> 00:06:17,932
All of that magnificent [bleep]
185
00:06:18,034 --> 00:06:18,926
186
00:06:19,028 --> 00:06:20,545
Rainbow: Hey, is everything okay?
187
00:06:20,613 --> 00:06:22,413
Yeah, I'm just preparing his bath.
188
00:06:22,515 --> 00:06:24,349
I've got to hydrate this bath flower
189
00:06:24,451 --> 00:06:25,616
and then I got to get that music going
190
00:06:25,685 --> 00:06:27,385
and then I have his
massage oil that I'm preparing.
191
00:06:27,487 --> 00:06:28,486
Oh, my God. Mm.
192
00:06:28,555 --> 00:06:30,088
- And then I'm almost ready to go.
- Okay.
193
00:06:30,156 --> 00:06:33,024
You know, Dre and I
used to just wash the babies
194
00:06:33,093 --> 00:06:34,292
in the kitchen sink.
195
00:06:34,394 --> 00:06:36,060
So the same kitchen sink
where you clean raw chicken.
196
00:06:36,162 --> 00:06:37,261
- Yeah.
- That's the one.
197
00:06:37,330 --> 00:06:38,830
- That's interesting.
- [Laughs] Uh-huh.
198
00:06:38,932 --> 00:06:40,017
You know, Gigi,
199
00:06:40,042 --> 00:06:42,046
germs are actually really good
for a baby's immune system.
200
00:06:42,113 --> 00:06:44,080
I know that 'cause I've had
four children,
201
00:06:44,149 --> 00:06:46,149
and I got another one on the way.
202
00:06:46,251 --> 00:06:48,585
And I'm, uh... I'm a doctor, so...
203
00:06:48,687 --> 00:06:49,719
[Both laugh]
204
00:06:49,821 --> 00:06:51,688
- Yeah.
- Yeah, she likes to say that.
205
00:06:51,756 --> 00:06:54,324
Well, I'm... I am,
and everybody seems to forget.
206
00:06:54,392 --> 00:06:55,892
- [Water splashing]
- What are those?
207
00:06:55,994 --> 00:06:57,627
These are temperature beads.
208
00:06:57,729 --> 00:06:59,495
And we just sit,
and we wait for 10 minutes
209
00:06:59,564 --> 00:07:00,530
until the smile appears.
210
00:07:00,599 --> 00:07:02,265
Okay. [Laughs] What?
211
00:07:02,367 --> 00:07:04,500
Gigi, you can use your elbow,
212
00:07:04,603 --> 00:07:06,436
and you just go like this.
213
00:07:06,538 --> 00:07:07,604
And ooh, whoop!
214
00:07:07,706 --> 00:07:09,706
Yep. Bath is ready for the baby.
215
00:07:09,808 --> 00:07:11,107
- Should I...?
- Yeah.
216
00:07:11,209 --> 00:07:12,475
See?
217
00:07:12,577 --> 00:07:14,544
It's delicate skin, so if it's
comfortable for your skin,
218
00:07:14,613 --> 00:07:16,179
then it's comfortable for the baby.
219
00:07:16,281 --> 00:07:17,914
Yeah, I still want to wait for
the smiley face to come, though.
220
00:07:17,983 --> 00:07:19,148
- Okay.
- I want to be safe.
221
00:07:19,184 --> 00:07:20,383
Yes, you, uh... That makes sense.
222
00:07:20,452 --> 00:07:23,119
So you wait for the beads to smile.
223
00:07:23,221 --> 00:07:24,821
I got another gadget
for you there, though.
224
00:07:24,890 --> 00:07:26,856
You just look right in here,
look in there,
225
00:07:26,958 --> 00:07:28,625
and you see that you're doing too much.
226
00:07:28,693 --> 00:07:30,260
Touch?, boo.
227
00:07:30,362 --> 00:07:31,561
[Both chuckle]
228
00:07:33,398 --> 00:07:34,797
Oh! Found 'em!
229
00:07:34,866 --> 00:07:35,665
Oh!
230
00:07:35,734 --> 00:07:37,233
Sadness cookies.
231
00:07:37,335 --> 00:07:39,068
The man does know his cookies.
232
00:07:39,137 --> 00:07:43,239
100% pure uncut Double Stuf.
233
00:07:43,341 --> 00:07:44,374
Wow.
234
00:07:44,476 --> 00:07:45,575
Eating stolen cookies
235
00:07:45,610 --> 00:07:47,543
right in front of Bear on the Chair.
236
00:07:47,612 --> 00:07:48,845
[Dramatic chord plays]
237
00:07:48,947 --> 00:07:51,481
- What is that?
- Santa's eyes and ears.
238
00:07:51,583 --> 00:07:52,782
What happened to the elf?
239
00:07:52,884 --> 00:07:55,118
You've aged out of his jurisdiction.
240
00:07:55,220 --> 00:07:57,253
You're on Bear on the Chair's turf now.
241
00:07:57,355 --> 00:07:59,422
What are you talking about?
242
00:07:59,491 --> 00:08:00,823
This isn't a thing.
243
00:08:00,926 --> 00:08:02,692
Zach Labich didn't believe, either.
244
00:08:02,794 --> 00:08:04,928
10-year-old punk did whatever he wanted.
245
00:08:05,030 --> 00:08:06,562
He crossed Bear on the Chair,
246
00:08:06,665 --> 00:08:09,933
and let's just say
that was his last Christmas.
247
00:08:10,035 --> 00:08:11,868
- He died?!
- He's dead to Santa.
248
00:08:11,970 --> 00:08:15,605
But go ahead. Have another stolen Oreo.
249
00:08:16,233 --> 00:08:18,741
I'm not afraid of that bear.
250
00:08:18,877 --> 00:08:20,276
Am I, Diane?
251
00:08:20,378 --> 00:08:23,546
Um... no.
252
00:08:23,648 --> 00:08:28,084
We are just going to put
these away because we are full.
253
00:08:28,186 --> 00:08:29,085
Hmm.
254
00:08:29,187 --> 00:08:31,354
We are just fine.
255
00:08:33,692 --> 00:08:36,025
I am so sorry we are
running out on you like this.
256
00:08:36,127 --> 00:08:37,727
Oh, no, it's fine.
Please, enjoy yourself.
257
00:08:37,829 --> 00:08:38,995
Get out of here. Go.
258
00:08:39,064 --> 00:08:40,263
You know I got this.
259
00:08:40,365 --> 00:08:41,264
Where you guys going?
260
00:08:41,366 --> 00:08:42,465
Cher was supposed to perform
261
00:08:42,567 --> 00:08:43,566
at this charity event,
262
00:08:43,668 --> 00:08:44,867
and she pulled out at the last minute,
263
00:08:44,970 --> 00:08:46,202
and so they asked me to fill in.
264
00:08:46,304 --> 00:08:47,971
Okay. Who's going to watch the baby?
265
00:08:48,006 --> 00:08:49,605
- I am.
- Oh.
266
00:08:49,708 --> 00:08:51,975
Are you sure about that, Bow?
'Cause, you know, my mom's here.
267
00:08:52,077 --> 00:08:53,881
Mama! Can you come down here and help...
268
00:08:53,906 --> 00:08:55,645
- Shh!
- Go. Just go.
269
00:08:55,747 --> 00:08:56,980
And I've got this. I've got it.
270
00:08:57,082 --> 00:08:58,147
- You sure? Yeah.
- Yes.
271
00:08:58,249 --> 00:09:00,249
And if she doesn't, my mom's here.
272
00:09:00,352 --> 00:09:01,584
Napoleon: Well, look, if he gets fussy,
273
00:09:01,686 --> 00:09:03,486
just throw him in the mamaRoo
and he'll conk right out.
274
00:09:03,588 --> 00:09:05,455
And if that doesn't work,
you just play "Rump Shaker."
275
00:09:05,557 --> 00:09:06,689
I don't know why, but it works.
276
00:09:06,791 --> 00:09:09,926
Guys, I have been a mom for 16 years.
277
00:09:10,028 --> 00:09:11,060
I got this.
278
00:09:11,162 --> 00:09:12,462
And my mom's here.
279
00:09:12,564 --> 00:09:13,763
Thank you guys so much.
280
00:09:13,865 --> 00:09:14,797
- I got it.
- Okay.
281
00:09:14,899 --> 00:09:16,966
- Gigi: You be a good boy.
- [Luca cries]
282
00:09:18,803 --> 00:09:19,736
You got this, Bow?
283
00:09:19,838 --> 00:09:21,270
I got this.
284
00:09:21,373 --> 00:09:24,607
[Crying continues]
285
00:09:26,308 --> 00:09:28,834
So, Zoey and I spent
the afternoon sorting through
286
00:09:28,860 --> 00:09:30,797
all the Christmas ornaments
she'd made as a kid.
287
00:09:30,891 --> 00:09:32,890
Oh, this is my favorite one right here.
288
00:09:32,951 --> 00:09:34,617
Santa's Little Zo-Zo.
289
00:09:34,686 --> 00:09:36,419
I just get cuter with age, huh?
290
00:09:36,521 --> 00:09:38,188
I'm not even being conceited.
291
00:09:38,290 --> 00:09:39,656
This is hard proof.
292
00:09:39,758 --> 00:09:40,890
Yeah, I can't believe
293
00:09:40,959 --> 00:09:42,492
your mother wanted me
to throw all this out.
294
00:09:42,594 --> 00:09:45,328
"Dre, it's a fire hazard.
Dre, it has lead in it.
295
00:09:45,397 --> 00:09:47,130
Dre, the babies will choke on this."
296
00:09:47,232 --> 00:09:48,298
How do you even deal with her?
297
00:09:48,400 --> 00:09:50,700
You know, I'm barely hanging on.
298
00:09:50,769 --> 00:09:51,835
[Sighs]
299
00:09:51,937 --> 00:09:53,103
Oh, remember that?
300
00:09:53,205 --> 00:09:54,471
[Laughs] Yeah.
301
00:09:54,573 --> 00:09:56,172
- [Luca crying]
- Okay.
302
00:09:56,274 --> 00:09:58,174
Hey! The baby's crying!
303
00:09:58,276 --> 00:09:59,476
Is he, Junior?
304
00:09:59,578 --> 00:10:01,478
Why don't you use
the fancy egg-shell thing?
305
00:10:01,546 --> 00:10:04,347
Junior, I do not need gadgets
to put a baby down.
306
00:10:04,449 --> 00:10:06,383
I am a mother of four,
307
00:10:06,451 --> 00:10:09,085
and I have another one on the way, okay?
308
00:10:09,121 --> 00:10:10,487
I'm a doctor, sweetheart.
309
00:10:10,589 --> 00:10:12,222
- Okay.
- A doctor!
310
00:10:12,324 --> 00:10:14,491
Damn it.
I really need to lead with that.
311
00:10:14,559 --> 00:10:15,913
Okay, sweetheart. I'm sorry.
312
00:10:15,938 --> 00:10:17,598
[Nat King Cole's
"The Christmas Song" plays]
313
00:10:17,623 --> 00:10:19,353
This.
314
00:10:19,398 --> 00:10:22,198
-
Chestnuts roasting on an open fire
- This is Christmas music.
315
00:10:22,267 --> 00:10:25,869
The birth of our savior inspired
the people who wrote classics,
316
00:10:25,937 --> 00:10:28,471
like "White Christmas"
and "Silver Bells."
317
00:10:28,573 --> 00:10:29,439
They were Jewish.
318
00:10:29,541 --> 00:10:30,640
[Sputters]
319
00:10:30,709 --> 00:10:31,875
Well, all of these songs
320
00:10:31,910 --> 00:10:33,076
were written by Jewish composers.
321
00:10:33,178 --> 00:10:34,144
Very musical people.
322
00:10:34,246 --> 00:10:35,979
Also know how to finely slice a meat.
323
00:10:36,114 --> 00:10:38,248
Even Nat King Cole's song?
324
00:10:38,350 --> 00:10:39,916
Especially Nat King Cole's song.
325
00:10:40,018 --> 00:10:41,151
- You know what?
- [Glass thuds]
326
00:10:41,253 --> 00:10:42,685
I'm gonna make my own Christmas playlist
327
00:10:42,788 --> 00:10:44,254
that'll blow
both of yours out the water.
328
00:10:44,356 --> 00:10:46,289
Mm. You do that, Earl.
329
00:10:46,391 --> 00:10:49,392
-
Everybody knows
- So... it's just us.
330
00:10:49,494 --> 00:10:51,728
-
A turkey and some mistletoe
- And it appears we're...
331
00:10:51,763 --> 00:10:52,929
under the mistletoe.
332
00:10:52,964 --> 00:10:54,864
Uh, I have a cold sore.
333
00:10:54,933 --> 00:10:55,999
-
Helps to make...
- So do I, darling.
334
00:10:56,101 --> 00:10:57,700
So do I.
335
00:10:57,803 --> 00:10:59,069
336
00:10:59,171 --> 00:11:00,236
Ooh.
337
00:11:00,953 --> 00:11:01,852
Oh!
338
00:11:01,877 --> 00:11:03,010
[Laughs]
339
00:11:03,341 --> 00:11:04,908
I got you in my cross hairs!
340
00:11:04,976 --> 00:11:07,277
Die! Die, you dirty...
341
00:11:07,379 --> 00:11:08,311
[Dramatic chord plays]
342
00:11:08,413 --> 00:11:11,581
Um, I mean, pass away
343
00:11:11,650 --> 00:11:14,217
after a long, fulfilling life
344
00:11:14,286 --> 00:11:18,054
in your sleep on your own terms.
345
00:11:18,123 --> 00:11:20,223
Yeah. Do you think he bought it?
346
00:11:20,292 --> 00:11:22,025
Just turn and walk away.
347
00:11:23,795 --> 00:11:26,429
348
00:11:26,498 --> 00:11:29,099
Junior: It's almost too easy.
349
00:11:31,069 --> 00:11:32,802
[Grunts]
350
00:11:32,904 --> 00:11:34,370
Damn.
351
00:11:34,439 --> 00:11:38,274
-
And this Christmas will be
- [Laughs] Yeah.
352
00:11:38,310 --> 00:11:40,207
A very special Christmas
Soul Glo needs to put that
353
00:11:40,232 --> 00:11:42,312
- on his playlist.
- Mm-hmm.
354
00:11:42,380 --> 00:11:43,913
- I grew up on songs like this.
- Mm-hmm.
355
00:11:43,982 --> 00:11:45,782
Like, uh, "Every Day
Will be like a Holiday"
356
00:11:45,884 --> 00:11:49,119
or, uh, uh, "All I Want
for Christmas is You."
357
00:11:49,221 --> 00:11:50,286
[Laughs]
358
00:11:50,355 --> 00:11:53,223
You did not grow up
on a Mariah Carey song
359
00:11:53,291 --> 00:11:55,291
- from 1994.
- Shut up, boy.
360
00:11:55,360 --> 00:11:56,493
You don't know what the hell
you talking about.
361
00:11:56,518 --> 00:11:57,572
That song came out in the '50s.
362
00:11:57,597 --> 00:11:58,539
He's right!
363
00:11:58,564 --> 00:12:01,698
Earl and I first made love
to that song in 1971.
364
00:12:01,766 --> 00:12:02,665
Didn't we, baby? Remember?
365
00:12:02,734 --> 00:12:03,666
- Sure did.
- Hey!
366
00:12:03,735 --> 00:12:05,535
You two are crazy.
367
00:12:05,637 --> 00:12:09,038
Mariah Carey wrote that song in 1994.
368
00:12:09,107 --> 00:12:10,507
Well, then, you're telling me
369
00:12:10,609 --> 00:12:13,309
that five-octave superstar Mariah Carey
370
00:12:13,411 --> 00:12:14,777
is a time traveler.
371
00:12:14,846 --> 00:12:16,779
'Cause I heard that song
when I was a child.
372
00:12:16,882 --> 00:12:17,780
Trust me.
373
00:12:17,883 --> 00:12:19,549
If she was a time traveler,
374
00:12:19,651 --> 00:12:21,151
she'd go back in time
375
00:12:21,253 --> 00:12:23,720
and tighten up that prenup
with Nick Cannon.
376
00:12:23,822 --> 00:12:25,388
[Crying]
377
00:12:25,524 --> 00:12:26,689
Okay, come on.
378
00:12:26,758 --> 00:12:29,359
You're... You're in your egg.
You had a bottle.
379
00:12:29,461 --> 00:12:30,760
I-I put you in the bath.
380
00:12:30,829 --> 00:12:33,730
I even waited until the pearls smiled.
381
00:12:33,832 --> 00:12:36,099
Okay, are you seriously
gonna make me do this?
382
00:12:36,168 --> 00:12:40,036
Okay, okay. Okay, okay.
I'll try anything.
383
00:12:40,105 --> 00:12:42,205
All I wanna do iszoom-a-zoom-zoom-zoom
384
00:12:42,274 --> 00:12:44,541
-
And a poom-poom, just shake ya rump
- [Crying stops]
385
00:12:44,643 --> 00:12:47,187
Seriously? "RumpShaker"?
386
00:12:47,279 --> 00:12:49,112
Are you kidding me?
387
00:12:49,181 --> 00:12:50,739
All I wanna do iszoom-a-zoom-zoom...
388
00:12:50,842 --> 00:12:52,033
[Music stops]
389
00:12:52,135 --> 00:12:53,116
[Crying resumes]
390
00:12:53,185 --> 00:12:55,185
Okay, okay. I'll put it back on.
I'll put it back on.
391
00:12:55,253 --> 00:12:57,086
-
All I wanna do is zoom...
- It's coming back. Here it is.
392
00:12:57,155 --> 00:12:58,922
- [Music stops, cellphone rings]
- Oh, my God.
393
00:12:59,024 --> 00:13:00,089
- [Crying resumes]
- Oh, God. Okay.
394
00:13:00,158 --> 00:13:01,624
Okay. Hold on.
395
00:13:01,726 --> 00:13:03,259
Hi. Gigi.
396
00:13:03,328 --> 00:13:04,160
How's it going?
397
00:13:04,262 --> 00:13:05,995
Oh, great! Can you believe it?
398
00:13:06,097 --> 00:13:07,764
Luca actually fell asleep in my arms.
399
00:13:07,866 --> 00:13:09,098
- Sounds like he's crying.
- Nope, nope.
400
00:13:09,167 --> 00:13:11,901
Uh, it's just, uh, um, a documentary
401
00:13:12,003 --> 00:13:14,370
that I-I'm watching
about helicopter parenting
402
00:13:14,439 --> 00:13:16,506
and how the the kids get so sad
403
00:13:16,575 --> 00:13:18,241
that the parents are always calling
404
00:13:18,343 --> 00:13:19,409
and checking up on them.
405
00:13:19,477 --> 00:13:20,643
- Is everything okay?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah!
406
00:13:20,745 --> 00:13:22,645
Everything is totally fine.
407
00:13:22,714 --> 00:13:23,780
Everything is fine.
408
00:13:23,848 --> 00:13:25,782
He doesn't even know you're gone.
409
00:13:25,850 --> 00:13:26,849
Okay. Can I at least say goo...
410
00:13:26,952 --> 00:13:28,952
I'll tell him for you! Okay. Bye, girl!
411
00:13:29,054 --> 00:13:31,287
[Sighs]
412
00:13:31,389 --> 00:13:33,890
[Crying continues]
413
00:13:33,992 --> 00:13:35,758
You're a monster.
414
00:13:35,827 --> 00:13:37,327
No. No, I-I-I...
415
00:13:37,429 --> 00:13:40,296
416
00:13:40,398 --> 00:13:42,098
Zoey: Wow.
417
00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:43,399
I think we put up
418
00:13:43,468 --> 00:13:46,302
every single one of my ornaments
since kindergarten.
419
00:13:46,404 --> 00:13:47,270
Mm-hmm.
420
00:13:47,339 --> 00:13:49,072
So, should we light this baby up?
421
00:13:49,174 --> 00:13:50,306
- Let's do it.
- [Claps hands]
422
00:13:50,408 --> 00:13:52,208
Hey, everybody! Come down!
We're about to light the tree!
423
00:13:52,310 --> 00:13:54,043
You extinguished that tree's light
424
00:13:54,112 --> 00:13:55,378
the moment you cut it down.
425
00:13:55,480 --> 00:13:57,180
And why are you still here?
426
00:13:57,688 --> 00:13:59,148
Hm.
427
00:13:59,284 --> 00:14:01,351
[Gasps] My favorite.
428
00:14:01,419 --> 00:14:04,287
Mm! I mean, why do I need a will?
429
00:14:04,322 --> 00:14:05,955
All I ask is that you're fair
430
00:14:06,057 --> 00:14:08,157
and give your siblings
whatever it is you don't want.
431
00:14:08,260 --> 00:14:09,158
Okay?
432
00:14:09,261 --> 00:14:11,227
Oh, got to go. Got to go.
433
00:14:11,329 --> 00:14:12,895
[Dramatic chord plays]
434
00:14:12,998 --> 00:14:13,997
You guys ready to see this?
435
00:14:14,099 --> 00:14:15,832
["Rump Shaker" plays on headphones]
436
00:14:15,934 --> 00:14:17,233
Oh, my God. Really?
437
00:14:17,335 --> 00:14:19,902
He is listening to a TED Talk,
438
00:14:20,005 --> 00:14:20,903
not "Rump Shaker."
439
00:14:21,006 --> 00:14:22,305
Are you good at anything?
440
00:14:22,407 --> 00:14:24,007
Dre: All right, get your cameras ready
441
00:14:24,109 --> 00:14:26,476
for Zoey and Dre's...
and no one else's...
442
00:14:26,578 --> 00:14:28,778
Perfect Christmas 2016.
443
00:14:28,880 --> 00:14:29,846
Hurtful.
444
00:14:31,783 --> 00:14:34,817
[Cheers and applause]
445
00:14:34,919 --> 00:14:36,486
[Electricity crackles]
446
00:14:36,588 --> 00:14:37,487
- What the...
- What is that?
447
00:14:37,589 --> 00:14:40,590
[All screaming]
448
00:14:45,263 --> 00:14:46,229
My baby!
449
00:14:46,331 --> 00:14:48,131
So, so hurtful!
450
00:14:48,233 --> 00:14:49,632
[Smoke detector beeping]
451
00:14:53,185 --> 00:14:55,325
- Whoo!
- That's the last of it.
452
00:14:55,446 --> 00:14:56,645
I saved the house!
453
00:14:56,747 --> 00:14:59,214
Damn it, Junior!
You got it on the chair!
454
00:14:59,316 --> 00:15:00,149
That was the first chair that I bought!
455
00:15:00,217 --> 00:15:01,650
The best chair ever!
456
00:15:01,685 --> 00:15:04,419
Your grandmother held you for
the first time in that chair!
457
00:15:04,488 --> 00:15:05,888
You owe your grandmother an apology!
458
00:15:05,956 --> 00:15:07,456
And damn it, you owe us all an apology!
459
00:15:07,525 --> 00:15:09,825
Oh, please, Dre. You did it.
460
00:15:09,894 --> 00:15:12,227
After years of trying, you
finally burned the house down!
461
00:15:12,329 --> 00:15:13,562
Ruby: What were you thinking?
462
00:15:13,664 --> 00:15:15,497
Popsicle sticks, tissue paper...
463
00:15:15,599 --> 00:15:17,099
it's just a pile of kindling.
464
00:15:17,168 --> 00:15:18,133
And any idiot knows
465
00:15:18,202 --> 00:15:20,002
you're supposed to check
the lights first!
466
00:15:20,070 --> 00:15:21,737
Johan: No, this issue wasn't electric.
467
00:15:21,839 --> 00:15:23,105
That tree was bone dry...
468
00:15:23,207 --> 00:15:25,107
a reminder that we cannot tame nature.
469
00:15:25,176 --> 00:15:27,643
Shut up, Johan!
It wasn't that big of a deal!
470
00:15:27,711 --> 00:15:28,944
Seems like a pretty big deal.
471
00:15:29,013 --> 00:15:30,846
T-T-To be honest, we're lucky.
472
00:15:30,948 --> 00:15:32,214
No one was injured.
473
00:15:32,283 --> 00:15:35,250
Except the chair that Junior ruined.
474
00:15:35,386 --> 00:15:37,553
Boo, Junior! Boo, Junior!
475
00:15:37,621 --> 00:15:38,921
Come on, everybody! Boo!
476
00:15:38,989 --> 00:15:41,423
No, Dad! Not this time!
477
00:15:42,426 --> 00:15:44,660
You ruined Christmas.
478
00:15:44,762 --> 00:15:45,627
What?
479
00:15:45,729 --> 00:15:46,728
[Laughs]
480
00:15:46,797 --> 00:15:48,564
Rainbow: That's my...
Yeah, you tell him, boy.
481
00:15:48,666 --> 00:15:49,998
Mother Nature wins again. [Sighs]
482
00:15:50,067 --> 00:15:51,567
You broke my heart.
483
00:15:51,669 --> 00:15:52,801
Unbelievable.
484
00:15:52,903 --> 00:15:55,204
It's a waste
of a perfectly good tree, son.
485
00:15:55,272 --> 00:15:58,006
It's gonna take a while
to come back from this one.
486
00:15:58,075 --> 00:15:59,942
[Sighs] My God.
487
00:16:00,044 --> 00:16:02,010
488
00:16:12,182 --> 00:16:13,982
Hi, backup shame cake.
489
00:16:15,775 --> 00:16:18,109
You don't think
I ruined Christmas, do you?
490
00:16:18,178 --> 00:16:19,477
[High-pitched] No, Dre.
491
00:16:19,546 --> 00:16:21,513
I don't think
you ruined Christmas at all.
492
00:16:21,615 --> 00:16:22,814
I love you.
493
00:16:22,916 --> 00:16:25,783
[Normal voice] I love you, too.
494
00:16:25,886 --> 00:16:27,685
You're my family now.
495
00:16:29,656 --> 00:16:32,090
Do you need a minute
to pull yourself together?
496
00:16:32,158 --> 00:16:33,291
No.
497
00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:35,159
[Voice breaking] This is who I am.
498
00:16:36,329 --> 00:16:39,931
I'm sorry I let you take
the fall back there.
499
00:16:41,248 --> 00:16:43,201
[Normal voice] I deserved it.
500
00:16:43,303 --> 00:16:44,302
I'm stupid.
501
00:16:44,404 --> 00:16:45,870
I got too caught up
502
00:16:45,972 --> 00:16:48,573
in wanting to have one
last perfect Christmas.
503
00:16:48,953 --> 00:16:50,642
But instead,
504
00:16:50,710 --> 00:16:52,479
I burned up all our memories.
505
00:16:52,547 --> 00:16:55,313
Are you kidding me, Dad?
Those weren't all our memories.
506
00:16:55,382 --> 00:16:57,015
Besides, this will be
507
00:16:57,083 --> 00:17:00,151
the most memorable Christmas
we'll ever have.
508
00:17:00,253 --> 00:17:02,000
You almost killed us.
509
00:17:03,075 --> 00:17:04,289
I did, didn't I?
510
00:17:04,357 --> 00:17:07,559
And this isn't gonna be
our last Christmas together.
511
00:17:07,627 --> 00:17:09,994
Next year will be
the baby's first Christmas.
512
00:17:10,063 --> 00:17:11,729
Do you think I'd miss that?
513
00:17:11,831 --> 00:17:14,098
Come on.
514
00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:15,366
Ohhhh.
515
00:17:15,468 --> 00:17:17,068
I'm here, too, Dad.
516
00:17:21,675 --> 00:17:22,540
Bring it in, son.
517
00:17:22,642 --> 00:17:23,808
Bring it on in.
518
00:17:23,910 --> 00:17:25,276
Aw, I love you guys.
519
00:17:25,378 --> 00:17:26,277
Love you, too. Love you, too.
520
00:17:26,379 --> 00:17:27,612
Mm.
521
00:17:27,714 --> 00:17:29,881
I'm so sorry I had to call you.
522
00:17:29,983 --> 00:17:32,250
Bow, your house was on fire
with my baby inside of it.
523
00:17:32,319 --> 00:17:34,619
I think you may have
legally had to call me.
524
00:17:34,688 --> 00:17:37,388
I know, but [sighs] the charity
event and all the kids.
525
00:17:37,490 --> 00:17:39,524
Oh, Bow, stop, stop.
526
00:17:39,626 --> 00:17:40,658
I didn't go.
527
00:17:40,760 --> 00:17:42,760
What? What do you mean?
Did it get canceled?
528
00:17:42,829 --> 00:17:45,663
Bow, Kids Town Help USA
is not a real charity.
529
00:17:45,732 --> 00:17:47,565
Me and Napoleon got
530
00:17:47,634 --> 00:17:50,435
the most expensive hotel room
that we could find,
531
00:17:50,503 --> 00:17:51,703
and we took a nap.
532
00:17:51,771 --> 00:17:53,605
So you made up a charity event
533
00:17:53,673 --> 00:17:55,206
so that you could take a nap?
534
00:17:55,275 --> 00:17:58,509
No, I made up a charity
535
00:17:58,612 --> 00:18:02,083
because I am struggling being a mom.
536
00:18:02,337 --> 00:18:03,769
What are you talking about?
537
00:18:03,872 --> 00:18:05,535
Gigi, come on. You're killing it.
538
00:18:05,596 --> 00:18:06,962
I mean, you have everything.
539
00:18:07,064 --> 00:18:08,263
You got the mamaRoo
540
00:18:08,332 --> 00:18:11,066
and the... the bath pearls
that smile and...
541
00:18:11,168 --> 00:18:12,234
I have everything
542
00:18:12,302 --> 00:18:14,970
because I am hoping
that I will buy something
543
00:18:15,038 --> 00:18:18,006
that makes me feel like
I know what the heck I'm doing.
544
00:18:18,108 --> 00:18:21,142
Sweetheart, why didn't you
just ask if you needed help?
545
00:18:21,245 --> 00:18:23,812
Because when you try
this hard to have a baby,
546
00:18:23,847 --> 00:18:26,248
you feel like
you have no right to complain.
547
00:18:26,350 --> 00:18:30,151
- Mm.
- Especially to "the" Rainbow Johnson.
548
00:18:30,254 --> 00:18:32,839
Uh, are you talking
about this Rainbow Johnson?
549
00:18:32,908 --> 00:18:33,788
Oh, yeah.
550
00:18:33,891 --> 00:18:35,724
Because Gigi, Luca cried
551
00:18:35,792 --> 00:18:37,692
the entire time that you were gone.
552
00:18:37,794 --> 00:18:38,960
- Oh, no.
- Yes.
553
00:18:39,029 --> 00:18:40,528
I was actually a little bit relieved
554
00:18:40,631 --> 00:18:41,563
that the house caught fire.
555
00:18:41,665 --> 00:18:42,430
Just saying.
556
00:18:42,499 --> 00:18:43,632
[Chuckles] Yeah, okay.
557
00:18:43,734 --> 00:18:45,367
I'm scared.
558
00:18:45,469 --> 00:18:46,635
I'm scared.
559
00:18:46,737 --> 00:18:49,204
It's been 10 years since
I've had a baby in this house.
560
00:18:49,273 --> 00:18:50,572
And I don't know what I'm doing.
561
00:18:50,674 --> 00:18:52,107
You have four amazing kids.
562
00:18:52,209 --> 00:18:53,141
They're fine.
563
00:18:53,210 --> 00:18:55,677
Okay, so, if you don't have this down,
564
00:18:55,746 --> 00:18:57,579
what the hell am I supposed to do?
565
00:18:57,648 --> 00:18:58,713
You're the perfect mom.
566
00:18:58,782 --> 00:19:00,515
I hate that expression so much.
567
00:19:00,617 --> 00:19:02,550
What, everybody else gets to have flaws,
568
00:19:02,619 --> 00:19:03,985
and moms have to be perfect?
569
00:19:04,054 --> 00:19:05,020
[Chuckles]
570
00:19:05,122 --> 00:19:06,288
Oh, God.
571
00:19:06,356 --> 00:19:08,757
It's been so long. My God.
572
00:19:08,859 --> 00:19:11,026
And I'm older, and kids are...
573
00:19:11,508 --> 00:19:14,062
Babies. Babies are stronger now.
574
00:19:14,164 --> 00:19:15,397
Like weed.
575
00:19:16,362 --> 00:19:17,899
I'm really sorry I was so judgy.
576
00:19:18,001 --> 00:19:18,867
Yeah.
577
00:19:18,969 --> 00:19:20,368
Here is the deal.
578
00:19:20,470 --> 00:19:21,736
Okay.
579
00:19:21,838 --> 00:19:22,938
From now on,
580
00:19:23,040 --> 00:19:24,706
we are gonna support each other.
581
00:19:24,808 --> 00:19:25,740
I like that.
582
00:19:25,842 --> 00:19:27,776
- Because we are amazing.
- Mm!
583
00:19:27,811 --> 00:19:30,712
We should all support
each other, but we can't.
584
00:19:30,814 --> 00:19:33,114
[Chuckles] 'Cause you two are failures.
585
00:19:33,216 --> 00:19:35,250
- ["This Christmas" plays]
- [Laughs] Come on with Grandma.
586
00:19:36,586 --> 00:19:40,388
Every day, Gigi. Every day.
587
00:19:40,490 --> 00:19:42,757
Hang all the mistletoe
588
00:19:42,859 --> 00:19:44,859
Things are rarely perfect.
589
00:19:44,928 --> 00:19:47,329
Whether you're trying
to find the perfect song...
590
00:19:47,431 --> 00:19:49,297
This Christmas
591
00:19:49,399 --> 00:19:52,400
The fireside is blazing bright
592
00:19:52,502 --> 00:19:54,135
...worrying about
the perfect behavior...
593
00:19:54,237 --> 00:19:58,206
We're caroling through the night
594
00:19:58,308 --> 00:19:59,574
...missing the perfect flight.
595
00:19:59,676 --> 00:20:02,644
And this Christmas will be
596
00:20:02,746 --> 00:20:06,548
And sometimes, you get scared
you're not the perfect parent.
597
00:20:06,650 --> 00:20:10,952
Point is, you hardly remember
the perfect things.
598
00:20:11,054 --> 00:20:12,721
599
00:20:12,789 --> 00:20:15,323
- [Camera shutter clicks]
- But when perfect goes wrong,
600
00:20:15,425 --> 00:20:17,892
those are the memories
that last forever.
601
00:20:17,995 --> 00:20:20,729
All over the land
602
00:20:21,807 --> 00:20:26,390
[Sighs] Dre. This has got to stop.
603
00:20:26,937 --> 00:20:30,238
This is my insomnia cupcake.
604
00:20:30,826 --> 00:20:32,026
Really, Dre?
605
00:20:32,128 --> 00:20:33,560
Those are my sleepy-time Cheetos
606
00:20:33,663 --> 00:20:35,996
because the sugar in my cupcake
keeps me up at night.
607
00:20:36,098 --> 00:20:37,931
That's disgusting. What else do
you have hidden here, huh?
608
00:20:37,956 --> 00:20:38,966
- Nothing.
- What else?
609
00:20:39,068 --> 00:20:41,335
Uh, that's soap. And that's floss.
610
00:20:45,508 --> 00:20:46,807
Okay. Okay.
611
00:20:46,909 --> 00:20:49,376
Those are my marshmallows
for my morning time s'mores.
612
00:20:49,478 --> 00:20:50,411
And that is it.
613
00:20:50,479 --> 00:20:51,945
Aw, man, you have a problem, dude.
614
00:20:52,048 --> 00:20:53,580
- I do not have a problem.
- Yes, you do.
615
00:20:53,683 --> 00:20:56,083
I do not have a problem.
616
00:20:59,789 --> 00:21:01,321
[Whispers] She will never find you.
617
00:21:01,350 --> 00:21:07,183
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00:21:07,233 --> 00:21:11,783
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