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1
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There are certain things
in life that are constants.
2
00:00:03,490 --> 00:00:05,657
New Jordans always
come out on Saturdays,
3
00:00:06,220 --> 00:00:08,583
Rihanna always has a summer hit,
4
00:00:08,571 --> 00:00:10,938
and white men always go bald.
5
00:00:10,969 --> 00:00:13,803
For me, two of the
most constant constants
6
00:00:13,783 --> 00:00:17,785
are my love for my family
and my hatred for Bow's.
7
00:00:17,947 --> 00:00:20,515
This chilled butter wreaks
havoc on a croissant.
8
00:00:20,973 --> 00:00:23,882
You Americans and your
mania for refrigeration.
9
00:00:24,329 --> 00:00:26,516
This pompous croissant-eating fool
10
00:00:26,506 --> 00:00:28,227
is Bow's little brother, Johan.
11
00:00:28,308 --> 00:00:31,071
He's been teaching in France
for two blissful years,
12
00:00:31,052 --> 00:00:34,932
but now he's back and I have
to deal with stuff like this.
13
00:00:34,896 --> 00:00:37,262
These early meal times
are so provincial.
14
00:00:37,250 --> 00:00:40,827
In Paris, we would linger
over wine and cheese
15
00:00:40,795 --> 00:00:41,873
until dinner at 10:00.
16
00:00:43,127 --> 00:00:45,608
That sounds so
sophisticated. Can we try it?
17
00:00:45,594 --> 00:00:47,161
- No.
- Please, are you kidding?
18
00:00:47,161 --> 00:00:48,627
If we move dinner even 10 minutes,
19
00:00:48,705 --> 00:00:50,371
your dad's gonna resort to cannibalism.
20
00:00:58,310 --> 00:00:59,682
Johan!
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00:00:59,685 --> 00:01:00,718
Hold on, cwa-sant.
22
00:01:01,324 --> 00:01:03,419
All right, around here,
we say grace first.
23
00:01:04,523 --> 00:01:05,193
All right?
24
00:01:05,207 --> 00:01:06,160
Zoey.
25
00:01:06,183 --> 00:01:07,582
Lead.
26
00:01:10,427 --> 00:01:13,929
I don't know if I feel
comfortable leading grace
27
00:01:13,899 --> 00:01:16,737
when I'm not sure if I believe in God.
28
00:01:18,539 --> 00:01:21,540
Did I say my love for
my family was a constant?
29
00:01:21,531 --> 00:01:23,865
I meant I hate them.
30
00:01:28,112 --> 00:01:29,378
Where is this coming from?
31
00:01:29,459 --> 00:01:30,791
- Well, I...
- It's that school, isn't it?
32
00:01:30,871 --> 00:01:32,501
D-Do you guys have a Wiccan club there?
33
00:01:32,500 --> 00:01:34,112
Damn it, are you a Wiccan?
34
00:01:34,189 --> 00:01:36,923
I'm not a Wiccan. I've
just been thinking.
35
00:01:36,980 --> 00:01:39,183
There's so much bad stuff going on.
36
00:01:39,192 --> 00:01:41,935
If there's a God, why are people hungry?
37
00:01:42,072 --> 00:01:43,482
Why is there cancer?
38
00:01:43,534 --> 00:01:44,994
Why do babies die?
39
00:01:44,995 --> 00:01:46,726
- Why do men wear pleats?
- Ooh.
40
00:01:46,724 --> 00:01:49,291
Why do any bad things happen at all?
41
00:01:49,701 --> 00:01:51,209
I still believe in God, Dad.
42
00:01:51,210 --> 00:01:52,402
Can I have the heathen's car?
43
00:01:52,408 --> 00:01:53,918
- Junior.
- I'm with Zoey.
44
00:01:53,919 --> 00:01:56,880
I believe in science, not
some magic man in the sky.
45
00:01:56,858 --> 00:01:58,395
Okay, look here, fake Maxwell.
46
00:01:58,396 --> 00:02:00,344
Do you believe in that
food that's on your plate?
47
00:02:00,338 --> 00:02:01,305
- Oh, man.
- Huh?
48
00:02:01,314 --> 00:02:03,262
- It's just...
- You know, this is not a discussion.
49
00:02:03,257 --> 00:02:05,457
Zoey, as long as you live under my roof,
50
00:02:05,523 --> 00:02:07,255
you will believe in God.
51
00:02:07,252 --> 00:02:08,073
Now believe!
52
00:02:08,161 --> 00:02:09,193
- Mm...
- Oh.
53
00:02:09,836 --> 00:02:10,968
- Hi, Mama.
- Hey, now. Hey, now.
54
00:02:10,975 --> 00:02:12,901
- Hey, Mama
- I'm sorry I'm late.
55
00:02:12,896 --> 00:02:16,082
I was having amorous
FaceTime with Davis.
56
00:02:16,132 --> 00:02:18,337
You know how I roll.
57
00:02:18,327 --> 00:02:19,675
Whew! What I miss?
58
00:02:19,679 --> 00:02:20,789
Oh, nothing much.
59
00:02:20,796 --> 00:02:22,723
You know, Zoey led a beautiful prayer.
60
00:02:22,718 --> 00:02:25,384
She's going to heaven, and
I'm not failing as a father.
61
00:02:25,367 --> 00:02:27,722
Uh-huh, uh-huh. Well,
pass Mama the corn, baby.
62
00:02:27,710 --> 00:02:30,939
FaceTiming to completion
makes a woman hungry.
63
00:02:30,913 --> 00:02:31,812
Yeah.
64
00:02:32,085 --> 00:02:33,696
This is good.
65
00:02:33,696 --> 00:02:35,029
- Just look away, look away.
- Okay.
66
00:02:35,032 --> 00:02:35,669
Oh, yeah.
67
00:02:35,684 --> 00:02:37,453
My daughter is broken.
68
00:02:37,450 --> 00:02:38,448
Aha.
69
00:02:38,826 --> 00:02:41,429
You finally read my
anonymous letters about Diane.
70
00:02:41,873 --> 00:02:42,726
What letters?
71
00:02:43,073 --> 00:02:43,841
Although...
72
00:02:43,854 --> 00:02:45,687
if she has them, I'm as good as dead.
73
00:02:45,683 --> 00:02:48,134
Zoey doesn't believe in God anymore.
74
00:02:48,120 --> 00:02:49,733
Sweet Jesus!
75
00:02:50,238 --> 00:02:51,688
A second evil daughter.
76
00:02:51,690 --> 00:02:53,637
Well, I say good for her.
77
00:02:53,684 --> 00:02:54,273
What?
78
00:02:54,288 --> 00:02:57,277
Ah, look, I'm not a
God guy, either, Dre.
79
00:02:57,255 --> 00:02:58,521
Big fan of religion, though.
80
00:02:58,602 --> 00:02:59,701
Convenient tax shelter,
81
00:02:59,708 --> 00:03:02,424
and it keeps poor people
from stealing my stuff.
82
00:03:02,406 --> 00:03:02,836
Hm.
83
00:03:02,854 --> 00:03:05,015
Well, if you were a God guy,
84
00:03:05,006 --> 00:03:07,296
you'd know you were going to hell.
85
00:03:07,285 --> 00:03:08,616
Well, lucky for me, I'm not.
86
00:03:08,696 --> 00:03:10,564
Dodged that imaginary bullet.
87
00:03:10,559 --> 00:03:12,125
Boom.
88
00:03:12,277 --> 00:03:13,709
Sorry to interrupt, boss.
89
00:03:13,711 --> 00:03:14,646
Just came to get my check.
90
00:03:14,656 --> 00:03:15,688
Okay, it's right there.
91
00:03:16,468 --> 00:03:18,864
Oh, don't tell me you're a Goddy, too.
92
00:03:19,103 --> 00:03:20,763
What?!
93
00:03:20,881 --> 00:03:22,948
"Only God can judge me."
94
00:03:22,979 --> 00:03:24,745
See the cross piece right there?
95
00:03:24,779 --> 00:03:25,555
Bam.
96
00:03:25,568 --> 00:03:27,779
- Okay.
- Just the way I was raised.
97
00:03:27,769 --> 00:03:29,201
My granny from Alabama.
98
00:03:29,279 --> 00:03:32,214
Bible Belt... world
of struggle down there.
99
00:03:32,956 --> 00:03:35,002
You know what the Bible
Belt is synonymous with?
100
00:03:34,994 --> 00:03:37,749
- Oh, no.
- Bibles and slavery.
101
00:03:37,731 --> 00:03:38,472
Oh, my God.
102
00:03:38,485 --> 00:03:39,718
And belts.
103
00:03:39,987 --> 00:03:41,776
- Don't forget them belts, Dre.
- Mm-hmm.
104
00:03:41,773 --> 00:03:46,240
It is impressive how any
word can get you to slavery.
105
00:03:46,195 --> 00:03:48,419
Try, um, Skittles.
106
00:03:48,409 --> 00:03:49,871
- Go.
- Oh, good luck with that.
107
00:03:50,147 --> 00:03:51,469
Dre, you got this.
108
00:03:51,954 --> 00:03:53,509
Ain't no brown skittles.
109
00:03:53,586 --> 00:03:55,652
Get 'em.
110
00:03:56,243 --> 00:03:59,793
What I was trying to say
is it's no coincidence
111
00:03:59,763 --> 00:04:03,002
that slaves became the
strongest believers.
112
00:04:03,582 --> 00:04:04,869
They were looking for something
113
00:04:04,917 --> 00:04:07,451
to get them past what
they were going through,
114
00:04:07,479 --> 00:04:10,280
and that something was God.
115
00:04:10,840 --> 00:04:13,063
And if you're struggling...
116
00:04:13,129 --> 00:04:14,628
displaced...
117
00:04:15,034 --> 00:04:16,467
hopeless...
118
00:04:17,004 --> 00:04:18,370
poverty-stricken...
119
00:04:18,680 --> 00:04:21,288
there is one thing that
they have in common,
120
00:04:21,271 --> 00:04:24,482
and it's the belief that no
matter where they are today,
121
00:04:24,457 --> 00:04:29,897
something better is coming
in this world or the next.
122
00:04:33,895 --> 00:04:34,651
Ooh. Oh, my.
123
00:04:34,664 --> 00:04:35,284
Sorry.
124
00:04:35,299 --> 00:04:36,990
Dozed off there.
125
00:04:36,988 --> 00:04:39,201
Can I fire him for boring me?
126
00:04:39,191 --> 00:04:41,425
Normally, I would say
no, but that was a lot.
127
00:04:41,415 --> 00:04:43,588
- Ooh.
- At that moment, it hit me.
128
00:04:43,579 --> 00:04:45,709
_
129
00:04:47,537 --> 00:04:49,084
- _
- I need to get lipo.
130
00:04:49,084 --> 00:04:52,052
I was beginning to see a pattern.
131
00:04:55,181 --> 00:04:58,849
It was the same pattern that
I saw every day of the my life.
132
00:05:00,785 --> 00:05:03,418
This is some white [bleep].
133
00:05:03,401 --> 00:05:05,653
We are in crisis.
134
00:05:05,643 --> 00:05:07,343
Dinner will be ready
in five minutes, Dre.
135
00:05:07,341 --> 00:05:08,896
If you're hungry, just eat a carrot.
136
00:05:08,896 --> 00:05:10,000
What are you doing? What are you doing?
137
00:05:10,007 --> 00:05:10,626
What are you doing?!
138
00:05:10,641 --> 00:05:13,736
I am about to pour
atheism down the drain.
139
00:05:13,713 --> 00:05:14,455
Look at this.
140
00:05:14,468 --> 00:05:15,024
Whoa!
141
00:05:15,040 --> 00:05:17,597
We have surrounded our kids
with so much white-people stuff
142
00:05:17,581 --> 00:05:19,244
- that they no longer believe in God.
- Dre...
143
00:05:19,243 --> 00:05:22,658
So from here on out, no
more almond milk, radicchio,
144
00:05:22,629 --> 00:05:24,589
hummus, goat cheese, or quail egg.
145
00:05:24,583 --> 00:05:26,071
To hell with Whole Foods.
146
00:05:26,073 --> 00:05:28,993
From here on out, we
are a Food 4 Less family.
147
00:05:28,972 --> 00:05:30,514
- And you know who shops there?
- Who?
148
00:05:30,514 --> 00:05:31,706
True believers.
149
00:05:31,712 --> 00:05:33,084
Okay, you know what? Dre, listen.
150
00:05:33,087 --> 00:05:34,417
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
151
00:05:34,421 --> 00:05:37,139
Look, we just have to
give Zoey a little time.
152
00:05:37,121 --> 00:05:37,707
That's all.
153
00:05:37,799 --> 00:05:39,728
She's just going through
a phase, sweetheart.
154
00:05:39,722 --> 00:05:41,394
- Or maybe she isn't.
- Okay.
155
00:05:41,393 --> 00:05:42,712
There are more black
atheists than you think.
156
00:05:42,716 --> 00:05:44,000
We have a bowling team.
157
00:05:44,025 --> 00:05:45,257
Wait. "We"?
158
00:05:46,221 --> 00:05:47,621
Bowling team?
159
00:05:47,711 --> 00:05:50,423
See, this is the problem.
160
00:05:50,406 --> 00:05:52,122
There's a whole generation out there
161
00:05:52,119 --> 00:05:53,195
that's too comfortable.
162
00:05:53,203 --> 00:05:55,304
They think they don't need God.
163
00:05:55,296 --> 00:05:57,750
There's a straight line
from entitlement to atheism.
164
00:05:57,736 --> 00:05:58,709
- Okay.
- Come on, Dre.
165
00:05:58,719 --> 00:06:00,147
How could you believe in
something so illogical?
166
00:06:00,149 --> 00:06:01,777
Listen, in Dre's defense,
167
00:06:01,776 --> 00:06:04,209
I've learned that science
doesn't explain everything.
168
00:06:04,273 --> 00:06:05,230
- Oh.
- You know, I've been around
169
00:06:05,239 --> 00:06:08,696
a ton of patients in
the room when they die.
170
00:06:08,667 --> 00:06:09,684
I don't know what you call it,
171
00:06:09,693 --> 00:06:14,272
but something happens,
and you feel... something.
172
00:06:14,225 --> 00:06:16,349
That hospital air
conditioning... it's powerful.
173
00:06:16,340 --> 00:06:17,292
No, no, no, no.
174
00:06:17,378 --> 00:06:19,211
Something bigger than us.
175
00:06:19,207 --> 00:06:21,108
Yeah, you ever seen a hospital A/C unit?
176
00:06:21,103 --> 00:06:21,816
It's huge.
177
00:06:21,829 --> 00:06:22,762
- To keep it cold...
- O-O-Okay.
178
00:06:22,772 --> 00:06:24,012
Okay, okay.
179
00:06:24,018 --> 00:06:26,361
I'm done. It's over, all right?
180
00:06:26,349 --> 00:06:28,745
And no more talking
about Zoey and atheism.
181
00:06:28,808 --> 00:06:30,318
Whew! Hey.
182
00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:32,814
Please tell me you said "aneurysm."
183
00:06:33,979 --> 00:06:35,411
Mama...
184
00:06:36,052 --> 00:06:37,066
Zoey's dying.
185
00:06:37,074 --> 00:06:38,345
- Wha...
- She got a huge tumor,
186
00:06:38,350 --> 00:06:39,472
and it's about to explode.
187
00:06:39,479 --> 00:06:40,496
- Very sad.
- What?
188
00:06:40,505 --> 00:06:41,893
Dre! Dre.
189
00:06:41,896 --> 00:06:43,475
- Huh?
- Ruby, Ruby.
190
00:06:43,475 --> 00:06:45,637
Nothing is wrong with Zoey, okay?
191
00:06:45,628 --> 00:06:46,961
She's just being a teenager,
192
00:06:46,965 --> 00:06:48,567
and she's asking questions about God.
193
00:06:48,566 --> 00:06:49,647
- Just...
- Yeah, questions like,
194
00:06:49,654 --> 00:06:50,466
"I don't believe in him."
195
00:06:50,478 --> 00:06:51,628
Wait.
196
00:06:51,634 --> 00:06:53,043
- Oh.
- Just a minute.
197
00:06:53,481 --> 00:06:55,072
See, see, that's what I'm talking about.
198
00:06:55,501 --> 00:06:56,555
This all your fault, Rainbow.
199
00:06:56,563 --> 00:06:57,771
- No.
- Nuh-unh-unh.
200
00:06:57,777 --> 00:07:00,144
Your family history of blasphemy
201
00:07:00,199 --> 00:07:04,043
has seeped into my grandbaby
and damned her for eternity!
202
00:07:04,006 --> 00:07:05,772
Oh, Black Jesus!
203
00:07:05,946 --> 00:07:08,647
Let the miracle of your
aneurysm take her now.
204
00:07:08,706 --> 00:07:10,139
- Take her now!
- No! No!
205
00:07:10,217 --> 00:07:11,983
Don't ask Jesus to kill our daughter!
206
00:07:12,056 --> 00:07:13,338
We can make her believe!
207
00:07:13,925 --> 00:07:15,963
I am talking about Rainbow.
208
00:07:15,956 --> 00:07:16,964
- Wha...
- Oh.
209
00:07:17,048 --> 00:07:18,883
Oh, take her now, Lord!
210
00:07:18,879 --> 00:07:20,428
W-Well, not now. I mean...
211
00:07:23,523 --> 00:07:24,249
Yeah.
212
00:07:24,262 --> 00:07:26,062
- Married into that.
- I did.
213
00:07:26,237 --> 00:07:29,872
What a wonderful world
214
00:07:31,844 --> 00:07:35,846
Oh, yes
215
00:07:35,994 --> 00:07:37,126
And that...
216
00:07:37,698 --> 00:07:39,328
is what God looks like.
217
00:07:39,854 --> 00:07:41,282
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
218
00:07:41,284 --> 00:07:43,703
God looks like a 20-minute screen saver
219
00:07:43,690 --> 00:07:46,096
set to a 99-cent iTunes soundtrack.
220
00:07:46,458 --> 00:07:47,457
Fine.
221
00:07:48,134 --> 00:07:50,062
I'm gonna take you down
to your mom's hospital
222
00:07:50,057 --> 00:07:51,990
so you can watch somebody die.
223
00:07:52,600 --> 00:07:54,163
Apparently, that's
all that happens there.
224
00:07:54,163 --> 00:07:56,029
- You know what? I'm out.
- Hey, hey, babe.
225
00:07:56,101 --> 00:07:57,942
Help your old man up.
You know my knees hurt.
226
00:07:57,938 --> 00:07:59,373
Thank you.
227
00:07:59,857 --> 00:08:01,978
Our Father, who art in heaven,
228
00:08:01,970 --> 00:08:03,063
hallowed be thy name,
229
00:08:03,070 --> 00:08:05,871
- thy kingdom come...
- Dad! You're better than this.
230
00:08:07,496 --> 00:08:10,609
Thy will be done on
earth as it is in heaven.
231
00:08:11,189 --> 00:08:13,444
Forgive us for not... our trespasses.
232
00:08:13,509 --> 00:08:15,503
It's...
233
00:08:19,412 --> 00:08:24,154
Jack, Diane, I have cookies!
234
00:08:24,267 --> 00:08:26,404
- Cookies!
- Cookies!
235
00:08:26,401 --> 00:08:27,567
I have no cookies.
236
00:08:28,403 --> 00:08:30,316
Clean up this mess!
237
00:08:30,310 --> 00:08:32,656
One day you're gonna say
that, and we're not gonna come.
238
00:08:32,644 --> 00:08:33,408
And you know what?
239
00:08:33,421 --> 00:08:35,967
That's the day I'm
actually gonna have cookies.
240
00:08:36,285 --> 00:08:37,447
That's why she's the mom.
241
00:08:37,453 --> 00:08:39,090
That's right, that's why I'm the mom.
242
00:08:39,089 --> 00:08:40,328
Listen, guys.
243
00:08:40,333 --> 00:08:42,081
I have another one on the way,
244
00:08:42,079 --> 00:08:44,317
and you need to step up your game.
245
00:08:44,306 --> 00:08:48,104
You got to pick up your clothes.
246
00:08:48,900 --> 00:08:51,035
Wet towels... they go on the hook.
247
00:08:51,447 --> 00:08:52,990
Cap on.
248
00:08:52,991 --> 00:08:55,261
Soap in the soap dish.
249
00:08:55,250 --> 00:08:57,066
And rinse out the sink.
250
00:08:57,062 --> 00:08:59,206
Got it. Uh, should
we also do the mirror?
251
00:08:59,197 --> 00:09:01,204
Yes.
252
00:09:01,197 --> 00:09:02,417
Spray and wipe it down.
253
00:09:02,466 --> 00:09:06,799
And don't forget to
wipe down the counter.
254
00:09:06,756 --> 00:09:09,027
- We won't.
- We won't.
255
00:09:09,275 --> 00:09:11,533
It was time to get real with Zoey,
256
00:09:11,523 --> 00:09:12,990
so I called in my closer.
257
00:09:13,469 --> 00:09:14,794
Thanks for helping me out, Ma.
258
00:09:14,798 --> 00:09:16,832
Mm-hmm. You were right to ask me.
259
00:09:17,470 --> 00:09:19,909
- Now, let'so do God's work.
- Let's go.
260
00:09:32,672 --> 00:09:34,565
- Just twist and tuck.
- Okay.
261
00:09:34,644 --> 00:09:36,649
What the hell are you doing?
262
00:09:36,642 --> 00:09:39,229
Oh, Uncle Johan is showing
me his messy-bun technique.
263
00:09:39,213 --> 00:09:40,986
It's more of a tussled chignon.
264
00:09:40,983 --> 00:09:43,422
Oh, what a shame, this beautiful child
265
00:09:43,409 --> 00:09:46,215
is gonna spend eternity
in a lagoon of fire!
266
00:09:46,272 --> 00:09:47,610
- Eh.
- Ah.
267
00:09:47,657 --> 00:09:50,399
This is gonna go up like
a tiki torch down there.
268
00:09:50,403 --> 00:09:53,698
Zoey, this is ridiculous.
269
00:09:53,671 --> 00:09:55,748
I didn't raise you to be non-believer.
270
00:09:55,854 --> 00:09:58,105
Non-believer sounds so judgmental.
271
00:09:58,094 --> 00:09:59,125
I might not believe in God,
272
00:09:59,134 --> 00:10:00,418
but I believe in a lot of other stuff.
273
00:10:00,422 --> 00:10:01,376
I believe in community.
274
00:10:01,386 --> 00:10:03,298
I believe in friendship.
I believe in love.
275
00:10:03,293 --> 00:10:06,335
Oh, you sound so stupid.
276
00:10:06,312 --> 00:10:07,373
Zoey.
277
00:10:08,103 --> 00:10:11,687
I know you're having fun
testing the boundaries.
278
00:10:11,656 --> 00:10:13,564
But you got to know that
there's somebody up there
279
00:10:13,559 --> 00:10:14,585
that's looking out for you.
280
00:10:14,593 --> 00:10:15,739
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
281
00:10:15,746 --> 00:10:19,077
Like God looked out for
Noah in the great flood.
282
00:10:19,908 --> 00:10:20,838
In that story,
283
00:10:20,848 --> 00:10:23,181
didn't God kill everyone
that wasn't named Noah?
284
00:10:23,169 --> 00:10:24,902
Now, the answer to that is yes!
285
00:10:25,174 --> 00:10:26,301
Glory, hallelujah.
286
00:10:26,308 --> 00:10:27,771
Zoey, focus on your curl pattern.
287
00:10:27,773 --> 00:10:29,706
Okay, that's something real,
something you can touch,
288
00:10:29,701 --> 00:10:31,499
not some fairy tale in the Bible.
289
00:10:31,495 --> 00:10:33,138
I'm not talking about the Bible.
290
00:10:33,137 --> 00:10:34,436
Wait a minute.
291
00:10:34,484 --> 00:10:35,569
What are you talking about, then?
292
00:10:35,576 --> 00:10:39,102
Zoey, I'm talking about
you believing in something
293
00:10:39,072 --> 00:10:40,173
that's higher than you.
294
00:10:40,180 --> 00:10:40,797
Mm-hmm.
295
00:10:40,856 --> 00:10:42,322
Something that's gonna help guide
296
00:10:42,399 --> 00:10:44,600
and comfort you through life.
297
00:10:45,204 --> 00:10:48,001
But you and Mom do that.
298
00:10:47,982 --> 00:10:50,714
You guys have given me everything,
299
00:10:50,696 --> 00:10:52,562
and I'm thankful for it.
300
00:10:52,936 --> 00:10:54,411
Aha!
301
00:10:54,757 --> 00:10:57,883
But everything they
gave you, God gave them!
302
00:10:57,859 --> 00:11:00,149
So when you thank them,
you're thanking God.
303
00:11:01,015 --> 00:11:03,039
So you do believe. Uh-huh.
304
00:11:03,032 --> 00:11:03,997
Soul saved.
305
00:11:04,831 --> 00:11:07,012
Another one in the books, hallelujah.
306
00:11:07,346 --> 00:11:08,245
Hmm?
307
00:11:08,946 --> 00:11:10,757
I'm... I'm sorry, Dad.
308
00:11:10,754 --> 00:11:13,803
I wish I could tell you
what you wanted to hear,
309
00:11:13,780 --> 00:11:15,802
but this is where I'm at right now.
310
00:11:29,155 --> 00:11:31,788
Okay. Okay, yeah.
311
00:11:38,778 --> 00:11:39,953
What are you doing?
312
00:11:39,959 --> 00:11:41,505
Mom told us to clean up the kitchen.
313
00:11:41,506 --> 00:11:43,528
You can't just put the
plates in the dishwasher
314
00:11:43,521 --> 00:11:44,920
without scraping them off.
315
00:11:47,620 --> 00:11:49,247
Bush league.
316
00:11:52,048 --> 00:11:55,350
Food in the Tupperware.
Tupperware in the fridge.
317
00:11:55,323 --> 00:11:57,557
Oh, uh, should we do the stove?
318
00:11:57,683 --> 00:11:59,430
Oh, yeah, it's filthy.
319
00:11:59,594 --> 00:12:02,031
You spray on the cleaner,
and then you wipe it off.
320
00:12:02,017 --> 00:12:03,155
Oh, and don't forget the counter.
321
00:12:03,162 --> 00:12:05,016
- We won't.
- We won't.
322
00:12:05,669 --> 00:12:09,581
"Dear God, thank you for my
pretty house and all my friends."
323
00:12:10,199 --> 00:12:12,889
Please bless my brand-new
brother and sister.
324
00:12:12,871 --> 00:12:14,203
I love them so much.
325
00:12:14,350 --> 00:12:16,539
"Love, Zoey Johnson."
326
00:12:19,148 --> 00:12:21,426
How can a little girl who
wrote all these letters to God
327
00:12:21,415 --> 00:12:22,459
not believe anymore?
328
00:12:22,473 --> 00:12:23,905
What do you expect, son?
329
00:12:23,951 --> 00:12:25,928
You set a bad example.
330
00:12:26,451 --> 00:12:27,358
What are you talking about?
331
00:12:27,368 --> 00:12:28,710
I pray all the time.
332
00:12:28,692 --> 00:12:30,458
Those aren't real prayers.
333
00:12:30,728 --> 00:12:32,533
Those are genie prayers.
334
00:12:32,529 --> 00:12:33,177
Eh?
335
00:12:33,192 --> 00:12:36,053
Please, God, let them have my size.
336
00:12:36,033 --> 00:12:37,373
Please, God.
337
00:12:38,138 --> 00:12:40,378
Please, God, let
LeBron cover the spread!
338
00:12:40,367 --> 00:12:41,434
Come on!
339
00:12:41,519 --> 00:12:43,535
Oh, please, God, let
there be some pizza left.
340
00:12:43,528 --> 00:12:46,027
Please, God, let there
be some pizza left.
341
00:12:46,911 --> 00:12:48,077
Veggie?
342
00:12:48,356 --> 00:12:49,159
Come on!
343
00:12:49,497 --> 00:12:52,703
God doesn't grant wishes, son.
344
00:12:52,678 --> 00:12:54,405
That's just foolishness.
345
00:12:54,403 --> 00:12:55,161
Oh, really?
346
00:12:55,173 --> 00:12:58,775
God, please, let it
be a Dooney & Bourke.
347
00:12:59,006 --> 00:13:00,472
Oh, God, please.
348
00:13:00,565 --> 00:13:02,154
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
349
00:13:02,154 --> 00:13:03,853
Listen...
350
00:13:03,851 --> 00:13:07,519
if you dig down deep and truly pray,
351
00:13:08,009 --> 00:13:09,410
God will hear you.
352
00:13:09,419 --> 00:13:10,685
Hmm.
353
00:13:11,127 --> 00:13:11,992
Whew.
354
00:13:12,161 --> 00:13:14,072
Real prayer works.
355
00:13:14,319 --> 00:13:16,040
Mm.
356
00:13:16,037 --> 00:13:17,832
Believe that.
357
00:13:23,569 --> 00:13:27,710
Dear God, it's Dre, but
you already know that.
358
00:13:27,746 --> 00:13:30,050
Please give me guidance about Zoey.
359
00:13:30,038 --> 00:13:32,556
How do I help her see
that you are there for her
360
00:13:32,542 --> 00:13:34,937
the same way you've been there for me?
361
00:13:35,516 --> 00:13:37,879
I mean, you're usually there for me.
362
00:13:37,867 --> 00:13:39,300
There was that pizza thing.
363
00:13:39,346 --> 00:13:41,412
That was rough. Pizza with no meat?
364
00:13:41,404 --> 00:13:43,309
What is that? Come on.
365
00:13:43,320 --> 00:13:44,886
Okay, okay, where was I?
366
00:13:44,974 --> 00:13:47,207
Oh, Zoey.
367
00:13:47,295 --> 00:13:48,427
I'm so scared.
368
00:13:48,608 --> 00:13:50,208
She's so young, and...
369
00:13:50,765 --> 00:13:52,533
Is this blanket pilling?
370
00:13:52,581 --> 00:13:54,485
Did somebody machine-wash this?
371
00:13:55,439 --> 00:13:57,840
Black nanny... what... what is her name?
372
00:13:57,959 --> 00:13:59,268
I got to talk to her.
373
00:13:59,273 --> 00:14:01,181
Uh... focus, Dre, focus.
374
00:14:01,175 --> 00:14:04,389
You're talking to the big
guy, the notorious G-O-D.
375
00:14:04,765 --> 00:14:08,493
Wow, I miss Biggie. Gone too soon.
376
00:14:08,459 --> 00:14:10,657
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
For real this time.
377
00:14:10,953 --> 00:14:13,993
Dear God, Father above,
giver of strength...
378
00:14:15,148 --> 00:14:16,467
Is somebody making popcorn?
379
00:14:16,954 --> 00:14:18,381
Please let it be kettle corn.
380
00:14:18,513 --> 00:14:20,497
Please let it be kettle corn.
381
00:14:20,491 --> 00:14:22,324
Ugh! Why do I suck at praying?
382
00:14:27,561 --> 00:14:28,531
Really, Dre?
383
00:14:28,540 --> 00:14:29,114
What?
384
00:14:29,130 --> 00:14:31,771
What did I tell you about
eating sugary snacks in bed?
385
00:14:31,754 --> 00:14:33,316
Do you know how many duvet covers
386
00:14:33,317 --> 00:14:35,669
you have ruined with caramel?
387
00:14:37,131 --> 00:14:38,863
I lost my connection to God.
388
00:14:38,898 --> 00:14:40,477
Oh. Dre.
389
00:14:41,990 --> 00:14:44,286
Three flavors in one tin.
390
00:14:44,275 --> 00:14:46,168
If that's not God, I don't know what is.
391
00:14:46,163 --> 00:14:47,229
I'm being serious, Bow.
392
00:14:47,237 --> 00:14:48,005
Fine, sorry.
393
00:14:48,017 --> 00:14:49,306
- All right.
- This is disgusting.
394
00:14:49,447 --> 00:14:51,058
Remember that time when Zoey was little
395
00:14:51,057 --> 00:14:53,224
and she had that fever
that just wouldn't go down,
396
00:14:53,291 --> 00:14:55,091
and no one could tell us what was wrong?
397
00:14:55,163 --> 00:14:58,556
- Yes.
- All we could do was pray.
398
00:14:58,749 --> 00:15:03,264
Look, I used to have a
deep, beautiful connection.
399
00:15:03,617 --> 00:15:05,634
Hell, I used to cry when I prayed.
400
00:15:05,627 --> 00:15:07,492
Used to cry all the time, period.
401
00:15:07,488 --> 00:15:11,187
I was blaming Zoey's godlessness
on single-serving hummus,
402
00:15:11,154 --> 00:15:12,125
almond milk...
403
00:15:13,063 --> 00:15:14,896
but it was my fault.
404
00:15:15,214 --> 00:15:17,306
How can I expect her to
have a connection with God
405
00:15:17,298 --> 00:15:19,107
when I'm struggling with my own?
406
00:15:19,103 --> 00:15:20,002
I mean...
407
00:15:20,487 --> 00:15:21,691
is God testing me?
408
00:15:21,697 --> 00:15:22,578
Dre.
409
00:15:23,165 --> 00:15:25,210
Is he gonna ask me to kill Junior next?
410
00:15:25,246 --> 00:15:27,656
Because if he catches me on
the right day, I'll do it.
411
00:15:27,643 --> 00:15:30,544
- Dre!
- I'm just saying, life is hard.
412
00:15:31,260 --> 00:15:32,159
All right?
413
00:15:32,598 --> 00:15:34,594
And it can turn crazy in an instant.
414
00:15:34,588 --> 00:15:35,321
Mm-hmm.
415
00:15:35,334 --> 00:15:37,229
And we're not gonna
always be there for Zoey.
416
00:15:38,085 --> 00:15:39,618
I'm just worried that...
417
00:15:39,831 --> 00:15:41,175
she won't have anything to turn to
418
00:15:41,178 --> 00:15:43,237
when she finds herself
alone in that foxhole.
419
00:15:43,230 --> 00:15:46,304
Dre, I want Zoey to
have a connection, too,
420
00:15:46,280 --> 00:15:49,414
but you can't bully God into her.
421
00:15:49,691 --> 00:15:51,357
She's got to get there on her own.
422
00:15:51,876 --> 00:15:52,732
What if she doesn't?
423
00:15:52,789 --> 00:15:54,256
Well, then we just have to have faith
424
00:15:54,284 --> 00:15:57,563
that we raised a strong and good person
425
00:15:57,537 --> 00:16:00,538
who can handle whatever
life throws at her.
426
00:16:00,937 --> 00:16:03,171
Maybe you're right.
427
00:16:03,161 --> 00:16:05,090
Oh, I'm right. I'm always right.
428
00:16:05,084 --> 00:16:07,884
Okay, well, let's
agree to this right now.
429
00:16:07,981 --> 00:16:10,648
That we are gonna God
it up with the new baby.
430
00:16:10,631 --> 00:16:11,220
Done.
431
00:16:11,236 --> 00:16:13,359
Okay, we're gonna have a
priest in the delivery room.
432
00:16:13,350 --> 00:16:15,072
We gonna have a shaman
give him blessings.
433
00:16:15,070 --> 00:16:16,123
I know a really good shaman.
434
00:16:16,131 --> 00:16:16,725
Okay.
435
00:16:16,740 --> 00:16:18,632
And... and I'm not trying
to say anything by this.
436
00:16:18,627 --> 00:16:20,542
- Okay.
- But, um...
437
00:16:21,279 --> 00:16:23,503
I don't want Diane
anywhere near the baby.
438
00:16:23,493 --> 00:16:25,226
That is totally fair.
439
00:16:25,850 --> 00:16:27,914
Everybody, put your shoes on!
440
00:16:27,905 --> 00:16:31,015
We're leaving for my
sonogram in 10 minutes!
441
00:16:34,000 --> 00:16:35,467
Whoo! Done.
442
00:16:35,469 --> 00:16:36,234
Uggs.
443
00:16:36,247 --> 00:16:38,162
Why are there even other shoes?
444
00:16:38,157 --> 00:16:39,915
- Whoa!
- Yeah.
445
00:16:39,912 --> 00:16:41,446
This kitchen is spotless!
446
00:16:42,465 --> 00:16:44,823
Wow, the twins did such a great job.
447
00:16:44,811 --> 00:16:46,811
They lifted up the burners.
448
00:16:46,804 --> 00:16:49,524
They cleaned out the grout.
449
00:16:50,863 --> 00:16:53,693
Wow, they must've gotten
up on each other's shoulders
450
00:16:53,673 --> 00:16:55,791
and just jumped up in there, huh?
451
00:16:55,783 --> 00:16:59,009
Masterfully thorough.
Proud of those two.
452
00:16:58,983 --> 00:17:00,637
They really left it all on the...
453
00:17:00,636 --> 00:17:03,302
Stop it. Just stop it.
454
00:17:03,285 --> 00:17:06,062
I know it's you, and you need to stop
455
00:17:06,043 --> 00:17:08,530
doing Jack and Diane's
work for them, okay?
456
00:17:08,516 --> 00:17:09,876
Or they're never gonna learn.
457
00:17:09,879 --> 00:17:13,514
Oh, like how they learned
to mirror-glaze the toilet,
458
00:17:13,525 --> 00:17:15,674
alphabetize the medicine cabinet,
459
00:17:15,665 --> 00:17:17,203
and power-wash the tub?
460
00:17:19,538 --> 00:17:20,695
I'm so proud of them.
461
00:17:20,702 --> 00:17:22,251
Come on, Mom.
462
00:17:22,251 --> 00:17:22,858
What?
463
00:17:22,873 --> 00:17:26,255
The toilet paper was
folded to a hotel point!
464
00:17:26,227 --> 00:17:27,226
Jack did that?
465
00:17:27,490 --> 00:17:29,293
He can't even close an envelope.
466
00:17:29,290 --> 00:17:31,332
Okay, fine, you got me.
467
00:17:31,324 --> 00:17:32,411
We're just gonna have to start
468
00:17:32,419 --> 00:17:35,692
letting them do things
for themselves. Ugh.
469
00:17:35,665 --> 00:17:38,917
It's just it's so much easier
and better when I do it.
470
00:17:38,891 --> 00:17:41,073
I know.
471
00:17:41,064 --> 00:17:42,630
I still wipe Jack.
472
00:17:44,836 --> 00:17:45,835
Yeah.
473
00:17:45,844 --> 00:17:48,103
Bonjour. Is this Rite Aid?
474
00:17:48,092 --> 00:17:50,608
Yeah, I'd like to check on
a couple of items if I could.
475
00:17:50,594 --> 00:17:53,771
Uh, I'm looking for absinthe,
valerian root, and...
476
00:17:53,746 --> 00:17:55,980
Oh, oh, what is your
featured crepe batter?
477
00:17:56,113 --> 00:17:57,800
I wiped him till he was 10.
478
00:17:57,798 --> 00:18:00,073
011, country code 33...
479
00:18:00,062 --> 00:18:01,620
Wait, are you... are
you writing this down?
480
00:18:01,621 --> 00:18:04,512
Hello. Hello. Hmm.
481
00:18:04,491 --> 00:18:07,425
Mom, this place is awesome.
482
00:18:08,894 --> 00:18:11,034
- Aah!
- Hi, guys.
483
00:18:11,026 --> 00:18:12,348
Hi, Dr. Aziz.
484
00:18:12,351 --> 00:18:14,441
Sorry to keep you waiting.
485
00:18:14,433 --> 00:18:15,189
How you doing, Dre?
486
00:18:15,202 --> 00:18:16,536
I'm all right, Doc. How are you?
487
00:18:16,540 --> 00:18:18,340
- Good. Thank you.
- Question.
488
00:18:19,099 --> 00:18:21,099
Is this, uh, poster to scale?
489
00:18:21,173 --> 00:18:23,725
And if so, do you have
a picture of the face?
490
00:18:23,709 --> 00:18:24,911
- What?
- Son.
491
00:18:24,917 --> 00:18:25,729
- Junior.
- What?
492
00:18:25,741 --> 00:18:27,755
Don't worry. I will not
bring them next time.
493
00:18:28,526 --> 00:18:30,566
All right, so, are you ready
to hear your baby's heart beat?
494
00:18:30,559 --> 00:18:32,949
- Let's do it, let's do it.
- Oh, let's hear it. Uh-huh.
495
00:18:32,936 --> 00:18:34,061
Yay! You guys excited?
496
00:18:34,068 --> 00:18:34,930
- Yes.
- Yes.
497
00:18:34,941 --> 00:18:36,495
- Yay!
- What's that?
498
00:18:36,496 --> 00:18:39,113
It's just jelly.
499
00:18:46,243 --> 00:18:47,855
She gonna grease your whole gut, baby.
500
00:18:47,854 --> 00:18:49,515
Look at her.
501
00:18:53,935 --> 00:18:54,757
Hm?
502
00:18:54,769 --> 00:18:57,241
I think your baby's playing
hide-and-seek with us.
503
00:18:57,227 --> 00:18:58,307
- Oh.
- Oh.
504
00:18:58,314 --> 00:19:00,268
Uh, Bow, would you mind
turning over to your side?
505
00:19:00,262 --> 00:19:01,225
Sure.
506
00:19:03,065 --> 00:19:03,651
That good?
507
00:19:03,667 --> 00:19:05,267
Yes, perfect, thank you.
508
00:19:41,014 --> 00:19:42,389
My God.
509
00:19:42,392 --> 00:19:43,372
There it is.
510
00:19:43,382 --> 00:19:45,499
Yay!
511
00:19:45,576 --> 00:19:48,139
Oh, wow, that's a strong
one. Do you hear it?
512
00:19:49,223 --> 00:19:50,962
Oh, thank you, God.
513
00:19:52,740 --> 00:19:53,606
What did you just say?
514
00:19:55,748 --> 00:19:57,134
- Baby, did you...
- Leave it alone. Leave it alone.
515
00:19:57,137 --> 00:19:58,852
- Okay.
- Leave it alone.
516
00:20:08,633 --> 00:20:11,348
Dear God, thank you for having my back
517
00:20:11,330 --> 00:20:12,672
when I need you
518
00:20:12,676 --> 00:20:15,806
and not holding it against me
when I lost you for a second.
519
00:20:15,782 --> 00:20:16,359
I am...
520
00:20:16,374 --> 00:20:19,250
ashamed and ask for your forgiveness,
521
00:20:19,230 --> 00:20:22,510
even though it is a very
natural act that hurts no one.
522
00:20:22,483 --> 00:20:23,192
And I hope...
523
00:20:23,206 --> 00:20:25,048
the monster who invented shoelaces
524
00:20:25,044 --> 00:20:27,318
never gets into your Velcro heaven.
525
00:20:27,307 --> 00:20:27,993
I'm not...
526
00:20:28,007 --> 00:20:29,890
asking for you to kill Jack,
527
00:20:29,885 --> 00:20:31,218
but I do want my own room.
528
00:20:31,460 --> 00:20:33,525
So if that's how it has to be, then I...
529
00:20:33,517 --> 00:20:36,162
am so grateful that everything's okay.
530
00:20:36,774 --> 00:20:38,270
Just don't let this baby be the one
531
00:20:38,271 --> 00:20:40,061
that gives me stretch marks.
532
00:20:40,322 --> 00:20:41,931
Also, please...
533
00:20:41,930 --> 00:20:45,398
restore the wi-fi to Davis'
Courtyard by Marriott.
534
00:20:45,398 --> 00:20:47,624
I will yell from the hilltops!
535
00:20:47,614 --> 00:20:50,013
Thank God that weirdo
stopped following me
536
00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:52,000
on Instagram, because...
537
00:20:52,050 --> 00:20:56,600
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