Original subtitles

Twins...

Nature's weirdoes!

Certain cultures kill them immediatly!

And I get that, they are a lot of work.

But in this country, they're celebrated.

Twins spend nine months as womb-mates,

so they're born best friends.

I can see how that would be cool.

Twins always have someone to do something with.

They renovate houses together.

They ride tiny motorbikes together.

They even haunt hotels together.

And my twins, Jack and Diane...

- Both: Oh, yeah! - are no different.

They have a bond no one could ever break.

We don't want to be twins anymore.

We don't?

I'm tired of being Jack and Diane.

Now I'm just ready to be "and Diane."

Uh, but you're a twin.

I didn't ask to be.

Look, we need separate rooms

because I hate Jack a little more each day.

- Oh. - You do?

Sorry, friend, but you suck.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay.

Someone obviously woke up on the wrong side of the bed

for the 300th morning in a row.

You have no idea what's it like

trying to go to sleep in a room with him.

And then LeBron got the ball.

And then LeBron passed it to Kyrie.

And then Kyrie passed it back to LeBron.

And then he made a short-range jumper.

[Giggles] And then Kyrie got the ball.

And then he crossed up Damian Lillard.

Are you kidding me? I was like, "Dude!"

Half an hour.

No twists.

It's like an episode of "Entourage."

What?

I just give details, and then I give context,

and then... Please separate us.

Plus, keeping this clown alive is basically a full-time job.

Do you have any idea what it feels like

to be permanently hitched to an embarrassing dope

who can barely even take care of himself?

[Grunts]

Hey.

Really think about what we just talked about.

Okay?

Mm-hmm.

[Sighs]

So, she still wanting to do that splitting-up thing?

And are we going to do that?

Uh, of course not.

- Oh, okay. - Dre, come on.

I did a psych rotation in med school.

This is just a phase.

I don't know.

Diane seemed pretty serious about it.

Trust me, okay? They are gonna figure this out.

There's a lot of love between them.

Jack: I hate you!

Diane: I will set you on fire, put you out,

and set back on fire!

Mm. Yeah.

You should write a book.

Zoey: Are we almost there?

- Mm-hmm. - Yes, we are almost here.

You guys have the worst surprises.

Is this gonna be like the time

you led me blindfolded to get that HPV shot?

Excuse me for trying to make vaccinations fun.

- You ready? - All right, yeah, I'm ready.

- Come on. - Okay. Here we go.

All: Surprise!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! [Laughter]

Oh.

It's the bow, not the car underneath it, right?

Zoey, you get the car.

Oh, my God! Thank you guys so much!

- Happy birthday, Zo-Zo! - Yay!

There's nothing more freeing than having a car.

You know what?

Now you get to drive yourself to S.A.T. prep.

- Yeah. - And me to clarinet practice.

Watch out, Kenny G.

And you get to pick the twins up four days a week

and I'll do it once a week, you know, just for show.

- Mm-hmm. - I feel freer already.

- I know! Me too! - Hey, hey, come, come, come.

You got to get in. You got to get in! Look at this color!

- You look great in this color. - Look at those real leather seats.

You check this out... noise-canceling sound system,

tight-space maneuverability, and Wi-Fi hot spot.

This is the ultimate vehicle.

I would even trade Junior in for a car like this.

[Laughs]

I would feel hurt if I didn't know I was your favorite.

[Chuckles]

Whoa, sweet Jesus. It finally happened!

What happened?

My baby boy bought his mama a Buick Encore.

Mama, it's...

Hey, Worldstar!

Now, you see, all the greats take care of their mamas.

They do. Kobe, that little Chris Brown, Dr. Ben Carson.

[Ruby speaking indistinctly] Please. I beg of you.

You have to let me tell her. I will pay you.

I sure as hell ain't gonna tell her.

The floor is yours.

- I get to do it? - Just do it.

S-so, Ruby...

Not now, hybrid.

I... I'm trying to immortalize my son

for buying me this luxury vehicle

in time for the 32nd anniversary of Marvin Gaye's death.

[Laughing] Oh!

We are gonna break the Internet!

Hey, hey!

[Laughing] Oh, my God. It just keeps getting better.

What's that little boy's name?

- Jermaine Jackson. - Mama, this car is for Zoey.

Huh?

- Dre. - What?

This was my moment!

I ask you for so little!

Look, stop playing, y'all. Where them keys at?

Mama, I'm serious. This is Zoey's car.

- It's Zoey's car. - Keep your keys.

Oh, Lord.

Oh, Lord Jesus, in my hour of need...

Oh, Lord, sweet Jesus, Jesus!

Whoa!

Oh, mercy, mercy me - Help your grandmother out of here, baby. - Oh, yeah.

Lord, things ain't what they used to be - No, no, no - Rainbow: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- Help your grandma. - Bring her in the house.

I think she looks fat.

Guess what I did last night.

I gave my baby girl her first car.

- Oh! - Put a big old bow on it.

Wow. I'm impressed, Dre.

It takes a special father

to give his baby girl the keys to a mobile sex box.

- Oh. - Oh, yeah.

- With a bow on it. - Yeah.

W-W-Wait. What?

Well, I-I think what they're saying is that

the engineers constructed a chassis

perfectly designed for having sex.

While driving. That's the mobile part.

Just pull into any dark corner, do your business, and then pull out.

Yeah. Mobile sex box.

Look, I know what the words mean, all right?

And my daughter's not gonna be doing any of it.

Really, Dre?

Let's have a look at some of the features

of the Buick Encore, shall we?

Noise-canceling...

[Smooth jazz music plays] ...[slow motion] sound system.

[Slow motion] Tight space maneuverability.

[Slow motion] Wi-Fi hot spot.

[Slow motion] Condom compartment.

[Music stops] What?

Didn't you get what we were doing, dumb-dumb?

We were saying real features that sound sexual.

Name one thing that sounds sexy about a condom.

Dre, don't listen to them, all right?

Look, your daughter is an "A" student

- and a chemistry wiz. - Mm-hmm.

What you need to worry about is her using all that cargo space

to haul around meth equipment.

That one probably could get

three or four aluminum tanks back there.

Some of those copper coils.

[Exhales sharply] It's actually perfect.

You know, I'm gonna get one.

You want to buy mine?

Mm, after all the disgusting things

your daughter's probably already done to it, uh, no, thanks.

- Yeah. - I-I'll get a fresh one.

I knew it. [Sighs] Just give it some time.

It'll blow over.

Yeah. Luckily, I'm willing to forgive and forget.

- Mm. - Yeah.

We're both going to make some changes and move on.

Well, that sounds good. All right, good night, babies.

Five more minutes, and then lights out, okay?

I love you.

- Good night. - Good night.

[Sighs] [Thudding]

[Groaning] Oh, my God. Aah!

Then what? And then what?!

Oh, God!

No!

J... Okay.

All right!

[Screams] Dre! Dre!

Jack, it's my pleasure having you stay with me.

Are you familiar with the term "subletting"?

- Of course not. - Well, long story short,

I'm gonna need first and last month's rent

and a valid I.D.

All I got is jellybeans.

- Ooh. - And, dude, that's me.

All right, feels a little light, but apparently you're family,

so I'm gonna let it slide.

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Let me show you to your accommodations.

I think that you'll find this unit very cozy.

[Sighs]

Oh, sorry.

No pets.

[Sighs]

Really?

Really.

I know I promised Zoey a car,

but when the rubber hit the road,

I was not prepared to give her a mobile sex box.

Unh-unh-unh.

No car until you pass your driving test.

But I already did.

Maybe in the state of California,

but not in the state of Dad-afornia.

It can never be easy with you.

Look, having a car is much more than just driving, okay?

I-I-It's... I-I-It's about changing the tire and the oil,

and... and... and monitoring

the steering and transmission fluid

and checking the tire pressure and engine maintenance.

Can't I just go to Jiffy Lube?

Mnh-mnh! Can Jiffy Lube teach you the 22 languages

necessary to survive as a driver

in this God-forsaken city?

- Mm-hmm. - Mnh-mnh.

Thank the Lord I knew Tagalog

last time I ran out of gas in Filipinotown.

[Scoffs] She's right.

Adding multiple foreign languages to the test.

You know, I know what's going on here.

You don't trust me, and you just want my car.

Oh, baby. Come on, now.

Do I think the car's gorgeous? Of course.

Did my congregation pray on it? Definitely.

Mm-hmm.

Do my friends expect me to be driving it

because I posted pictures of it on Facebook

and tagged them in?

[Ding!]

Of course.

Those petty bitches.

Of course I trust you.

But the most important thing to me is your safety.

- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. - You know what?

I'm gonna pass whatever crazy test

you want to throw at me,

and then I'm gonna drive as fast I can to Daughter-sylvania.

Not a real place.

Adding geography to the test now.

- Mm-hmm. - [Sighs]

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Meantime, I'ma hold on to these keys.

Oh.

[Car alarm blares]

Oh. Don't worry, baby.

Panic button.

- Mama's got this. - Okay.

[Alarm chirps]

[Laughs]

Don't mistake this comment as interest, but you look rough.

I barely slept last night. Junior gets night terrors.

[Screaming]

Aah!

So, I guess we got that whole

"sleeping in different rooms" thing out of our system, right?

You slept snow angel-style?

[Chuckles] Yeah. So I'm good.

Hey.

Uh, uh! Sorry, friend.

No room for you. [Whistles]

Bye.

[Chuckles]

[Ding! Ding!] _

Hm, watch this doofus crash and burn.

Hey, Jack.

Have a seat.

[Laughs]

[Ding! Ding! Ding!] _

Yeah, I may have played this all wrong.

- Rainbow: Dre! - Dre: Yeah?

Why is Zoey juggling Danishes while learning Mandarin?

[Sighs] Damn it!

She's supposed to be juggling Mandarins while learning Danish.

- What? - See? I knew I did the right thing

by not letting her drive.

So, instead of talking to her about your worries,

you're giving her a list of impossible things

she can never do?

Pretty smart, right?

No. [Chuckles]

You realize that, psychologically speaking,

you are putting what a psychiatrist would call

psychic strain on her psyche.

That makes no sense.

And you were dead wrong about the twins, all right?

Did you even take a psych rotation?

Yes!

I just... I just can't remember anything.

- Oh. - God, what was I doing that semester?

[Chuckles]

[Squeaking]

What? [Gasps]

Oh.

[Keyboard keys clacking]

Welcome to "Intro to Psychology".

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - What is psychology?

Study of the mind!

Psychology is the study of the mind.

Yes!

Or is it?

Oh. Mom.

- Huh? What? Huh? - What are you doing?

Uh, uh, porn.

I'm watching p... I'm watching porn.

It's not an "Intro to Psychology" lecture.

Yeah, I-I know that stuff, sweetheart, yeah.

Uh, W-what are you doing... What are you doing still up?

[Sighs] I can't sleep.

My tenant's driving me crazy.

- Oh. - He has night terrors.

[Jack screaming]

[Thudding]

We've got to get the twins back together.

Yes, because in most cases,

a twin's search for individuation

often leads to, um, outbursts of depression,

risk-taking such as gambling,

and sometimes even cannibalism.

Mm-hmm.

That doesn't sound right.

It's not.

[Clears throat] I'm... I'm gonna go back to my...

Yes, good night, sweetheart.

Sweet dreams to you, my child.

[Sighs]

So, let's discuss the difference between

psychology and psychiatry.

There's a difference? Holy [bleep]

Dre: Back at school, Jack was starting to enjoy flying solo.

So, I went to the kitchen.

Together: And then?

I opened the freezer.

Together: And then?

I got some ice cream.

Together: And then?

I ate it!

Together: Whoa!

He ate it!

Did you see that coming?

But Diane was starting to have separation anxiety.

Can you believe those clowns?

Mr. Sheffield: Sounds like you'd rather be over there.

Why don't you go?

Pbht. I don't need them.

I made a new friend here with you.

I'm a substitute teacher. You'll never see me again.

Yep. I definitely played this all wrong.

So, I ace your test and I get my keys back?

Oh, did I mention that it was timed?

Ready, set...

[Air horn blows] go-o-o-o-o-o!

I'm a boss, boss chick, chick, chick, chick

Chick, chick, chick Check.

I'm a boss, boss chick, chick Mm-hmm.

Chick, chick, chick, chick, chick

I'm a boss, boss chick Colombia.

Bogot?.

- Bolivia. - La Paz.

It's about to go we too turnt up for you Ahh, found the hidden object.

- Iran. - Tehran.

You can chuck it up, I'm all about fame

Don't need a man, forget a trick, straight get paid Count to five in Mandarin.

I love money, that's all I got to say [Counting in Mandarin]

I'm a boss, boss chick, chick

Chick, chick, chick, chick, chick

I'm a boss, boss chick Boom. I did everything.

- Now where them keys at? - Good.

Now do it again, outside, at night, in the rain.

We are in a drought.

I don't make the rules.

Yes, you do.

You never were gonna give me this car, were you?

[Speaks Farsi] _

Well, I'm assuming that means you agree with my decision?

_

[Door closes] You're welcome, baby.

In a last-ditch effort,

Rainbow tried some dime-story psychology

or psychiatry.

She has no idea.

I can't believe she's a doctor.

Hello, Jack. Hello, Diane.

Thank you so much for agreeing to mediation.

I s... I'm sorry. Just a second.

"State the premise,

state their names,

and check on both."

Okay.

Uh [Clears throat]

How is this separation working for you guys?

I mean, I'm having a good time by myself, totally thriving.

Uh-huh.

But I'd be open to a reconciliation.

- Really? - Yeah.

Well, that's great.

So, Jack...

I... I'm sorry. Just a second.

[Clears throat]

How are you feeling?

I was nervous to split up at first.

Yes. Yeah. Here you go.

But then I met new friends.

Oh. Like, a lot of new friends.

Uh-huh.

- So I'm cool. - Oh!

- Are you? - Yeah.

Or are you maybe feeling incomplete

without your other half?

Let's try some, uh... some word associations.

You and Diane go together like peanut butter and...

My own room.

Um, okay, I'm gonna try...

I'm gonna try another one. [Clears throat]

So, you and Diane are like milk and...

- I'm popular. - No.

No.

No. Okay, let me reframe this for you, Jack.

Okay, uh, John Cougar Mellencamp wrote a song about you.

It's called "Jack and Diane," right?

I mean, it's probably one of the most

famous guitar riffs of all time.

It's

[Vocalizes guitar riff]

[Claps]

[Claps]

It's a little ditty...

Never heard it.

Jack and Diane were twins?

Oh, no. Not exactly.

But they were brother and sister.

Um, no.

They were, uh, boyfriend and girlfriend.

[Scoffs] This feels right to you?

- Well... - Uh, w-wait a second.

I say that!

Not anymore, friend.

Interesting.

It seemed like the twins had split for good.

You know, I used to like sleeping snow angel-style.

But now... Cool story, bro.

Hey, Jack! Good to see you, dude.

Hey, Diane.

I tried one of those electric toothbrushes last night.

Cool!

And then...?

That's it. It was great.

There's no "and then."

Mm.

Thank you for your concise story, Mr. Sheffield.

But at the end of the day,

you just can't fight the bond of twins.

Oh.

[Sighs]

[Laughs] Hey, look at that nerd over there

sitting with a sub.

[Laughter]

Hey, that nerd's my twin!

[Ruby screams]

Mama!

Mama!

- Dre! - Mama, what is it?!

Somebody stole my Buick!

What?!

Call the police!

But before they come,

you make sure they know a black man owns this house!

- Okay, mama. Okay. - Whoo!

What the hell?

Is that... Oh, my God. It's Zoey.

Mm-hmm.

What the hell were you thinking? Huh?

You didn't have permission to take this car.

You were never gonna give me permission.

So you just took it?

And I hope you didn't mess with my settings, baby.

I just programmed all my A.M. church stations

and my Rickey Smiley!

You know what? You're grounded.

You're never getting this car.

That you gave me a week ago, then took back?

Then made me learn German for?

[Speaks German] _

[Sputters]

You know what? I'ma Google that!

I can't believe she stole this car.

Probably picked up a boy and was out struttin' around

like her mama at the... library.

I can't believe she stole the car and went to the library.

Boy, don't nobody care nothing about no library.

I had a Shalamar CD in here!

Black Jesus!

Where is my Shalamar CD?

Oh. I didn't see you here.

Uh, I was just trying to get my, uh... my basketball trophy.

So...

how was your day?

Are you sure you want to know?

Yeah.

Oh, my God. Today was crazy.

My shoes came untied, and then I bent down,

and then I tied them,

and then Barbara Wu stepped on it.

Oh, my God.

And then I...

Wait.

Yeah, I tied them again.

And then it was really crazy.

Donnie Pacino dropped his phone in the toilet,

and it was still ringing.

Dre, they fixed their problem without us.

- Thank God, because I'm useless. - [Sighs]

Well, I don't know anything, either.

I busted Zoey for going to the library.

- Oh. - Not my best moment.

Wow.

We're raising a real criminal.

Yep.

Dre, why would you think Zoey's personality's gonna change

just 'cause gets a car?

But what happens if she grows up

and starts doing crazy things?

You mean like a normal human being?

[Sighs]

Look, I thought it was supposed to get easier

when they grew up, not harder.

[Sighs] Well, that's dumb.

What?

Well, that's dumb.

Dre, come on. Why would you think that?

It always gets harder.

It does. And we have We have great kids.

Yeah.

Anyway, we have to trust that we raise them to be good people.

We do, and, you know,

we don't need some stupid psychiatry book to help us.

Psychology.

Damn it.

Bow was right.

You do your best to raise good kids.

And whether you like it or not, as they get older,

you have to trust them

and support them,

even if you don't always understand them.

And hopefully, if you do your job right,

when you're gone,

they'll still always be there for one another.

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