All language subtitles for Black-ish s02e10 Stuff.eng

Christmas...

The most wonderful time of the year

A time for tree trimming,

roaring fires,
Christmas Carols,

but most important, a time
to be with the ones you love.

- But some would argue
- _

it's become
overly commercialized,

that it's all about stuff.

To these people, I would say...

"duh!"

[Indistinct shouting] Let go of me! Ow!

In fact, no one loves
stuff more than me...

Oh, here we go. Here we go.

Except for these four.

[Indistinct shouting]

In my house, Christmas
morning has become

like a competitive
eating contest.

Man: It is running neck and neck.

Man
2: Unbelievable... 11
hot dogs after just a minute.

Give me something else to open!

- I need it now!
- Both: Stockings!

Go!

Which is why it didn't
come as a total surprise

to hear pop say...

Whoa. Ah.

As usual, dummy, you've overdone it...

took something beautiful
and turned it into crap.

I'm taking over Christmas.

Santa's got a brand-new bag.

son, your black ass has
completely bought into

this white-Christmas nonsense.

Mm-hmm.

Buy them damn kids anything they ask for.

Hell, you even buy 'em
things they don't ask for!

It's too much, son.

Oh, so, they should just be disappointed

and wake up to nothing... like I did.

Unh-unh-unh!

There was always something
for you under the tree.

It's heavy!

It's pickles.

Boy, you know you love pickles!

Not for Christmas, I don't!

Well, you ate 'em like you loved 'em.

- You do love pickles, babe.
- Bow!

Y'all talking about how
my baby love pickles?

- Mama, we are not...
- Mm-hmm.

Can we stop talking about pickles, please?!

Fine! You the one that loved 'em so much.

The point is, you've rotted your children

from the inside out with all
the stuff you've given 'em.

You've lost the true meaning of Christmas.

Which is Jesus! He is
the reason for the season.

Well, I was going to say,
listening to Donny Hathaway

and sipping on Cutty Sark
till you're out of Cutty Sark.

Either way, your generation has ruined it

with too... Much... Stuff.

Yeah, too... Much... Stuff.

Oh, so, it's our fault?

Oh, hey, mama, uh, what
did the three wise men

bring baby Jesus in his manger?

Hmm?

Oh, gold, frankincense [Murmurs]

Speak up, mama, 'cause it sounded like

you said stuff, which I never got.

Wait a minute.
H-h-hold on.

Did you rise from the dead
and provide man with salvation?

Mm-hmm,
mm-hmm.

Well, until you do that,

you thank God for those pickles.

Amen.

You know, maybe Ruby and
pops are right, though.

- What?
- When I was growing up,

we used to have to make our own gifts.

Ooh, that sounds terrible.

Yeah, stay in your lane, Rainbow.

No, I'm agreeing with you.

Okay, all I'm saying is that we could live

with a little less stuff in our lives.

See that? Even your
own wife agrees with me.

Okay.

So, you're saying I should return

that Cartier Juste Un Clou
bracelet that I bought you.

The kids, Dre. The kids can live on less.

- We're adults.
- Oh, just for the babies.

Now, did you say "bracelet" or "bracelets"?

'Cause, you know, the whole stacking thing

is trending right now.

So it's best if you have two or like three.

Four really sells it.

All I know is that I love
the look on my kids' faces

when I give them the perfect gift.

Junior! Come here, Junior. Watch this.

Will you tell pops how
much you love the skateboard

I got you last Christmas.

Oh, I traded that for a pizza.

Get out.

Oh, yeah, I bet his little face

just lit up when he ate that pizza.

Speaking of gifts, we saw
the presents around the tree.

It felt light.

Real light, like practice-run light.

It's Christmas. We got to play to win!

Doing a bang-up job there, son.

As much as I hate to
admit it, pops was right.

My kids were monsters,

who were about to get
a lot less stuff.

So, these gifts that you were going to get

are going in my trunk.

And from now on, you get one gift.

- Dear God!
- Just kill me!

Aw! You broke my heart.

Wait. One gift for all of us to share?

Now, that is an interesting idea.

Both: Shut up!

What is wrong with you?!

I'm just asking for clarity.

No, you each get one gift.

And I'm suggesting something useful,

like cold cuts, can of
tuna, honey-baked ham.

- My favorite.
- No, no. What's going on?

There's no sense in arguing.

It's one gift

and my traditional Christmas Eve dinner.

This is your new reality.

And in the spirit of taking less,

we are all gonna start volunteering more.

Huh? We're not doing that.

There you go again...
swerving out of your lane.

Dre, come on. I backed
up your one-gift idea.

Yeah, because my idea was a good one.

Bow, come to me with
these half-baked ideas

so I don't have to shoot you
down in front of the children.

- But you...
- They lose respect for you.

He's not wrong.

Well, I'm gonna volunteer
because it's nice.

Whatever. One gift.

That idea is real.

Can our stockings be our one gift?

Both: Shut up!

What is wrong with you?

What do you guys have against clarity?!

One gift?! This is an outrage!

I think I'll ask for a yo-yo.

Is this a joke to you?

Think bigger!

But not too big. Dad said no to a Tesla.

Okay, so, we're looking at something

between yo-yo and Tesla.

So, that's, like, a Passat?

Ugh.

Uh, you guys are playing this all wrong.

If we're extra good, they'll cave.

They're cavers.

We just have to play to our strengths.

Zoey, Jack, you'll be kind.

I'll be helpful.

And, Junior...

You'll disappear.

Huh?

Uh, trust me on this.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

She's right. Less of you is more.

I-I'm not sure about this.

Well, you better get sure

because you're this close to waking up

to a stocking full of Turkey pastrami.

Say no more. I bid you adieu.

Mm. That was a great call.

Felt right.

So, I went to work knowing
I was doing the right thing

for my kids,

but my co-workers didn't
like the one-gift idea.

You cheap bastard.

No, no, no.

It's because Christmas
is about more than stuff.

Wait, what?

Why would you... oh, it's a fear campaign.

Imagine a world not about stuff.

You're creating a panic and
offering a solution... genius!

What?

It's kind of like when
the saline companies and I

created the flu vaccine
giving people the flu

in order to combat the flu... hilarious!

And when you lost that account and created

the "vaccines cause autism"
campaign... very strong!

- Aww, stop it.
- Yes.

Oh, God.

Stuff makes the world go 'round,
Dre, especially our world.

- We're ad men.
- Mm.

- And women.
- Amen, sister.

Do I seem like someone you
should be that comfortable with?

Okay, g-guys, look, look, I'm
trying to start a new tradition.

- Ah, traditions.
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, Phillip took all
of ours in the divorce.

Holidays are the hardest times... that...

[Murmurs] Gut-wrenching loneliness...

Sadness...

Settling like fresh fallen snow.

No snow plow coming for me.

- [Clears throat]
- Just cold...

Frozen.

Winter's a-coming!

Okay, o-okay,
D-Daphne, Daphne.

Okay, look, would you like
to come have dinner with us?

What? I don't need your damn pity invite.

And no matter what, I know my Christmas

is gonna be better than Lucy's.

W-what, because I'm Jewish?

No, because you're boring.

I didn't know you were Jewish.

Ha! You are growing on me.

[Footsteps approaching]

Ruby: So!

Lady Diana, how's that volunteering going?

Just because I'm not volunteering

every second of the day doesn't
mean I'm not volunteering.

[Laughs] Did you even sign up?

Yes.

Did you pass the background check?

Yes, of course.

They don't run one!

Charlatan.

- I...
- Eh!

Eh-eh.

This whole thing started

because pops convinced
Bow and me

we needed to teach
our bratty kids a lesson,

but looking around, we
didn't see any bratty kids.

Have you seen the
adorableness of our children?

Jack has frosting on his nose.

Shut up. [Laughs]

- My God.
- Where's Junior?

I haven't seen him in a while.

Me either. Gosh...

I don't remember the last time I saw him.

It feels like forever.

Kind of miss the little fella.

- I know, right?
- Mm.

Oh, God, his smile can
really light up a room.

- Aww.
- It's like bing!

Little curly-head sucker.

Let's go.

And then carry over the two, and...

Oh. Hey.

Hello, mama, papa.

Oh, my God. You... you guys are so...

maybe we should reconsider.

Nope! Don't fall for it.

They're trying to trick you

into forgetting what monsters they are.

Old-school Christmas one gift.

You can come out now.

Any chance at a real Christmas is over.

Might as well make our lists.
Our sad, one-gift lists.

I'm not coming out. Never say die!

Ugh.

Ugh!

Okay. Hey, Bow, what are you doing?

It's 5:30. We haven't even had dinner yet.

Yes, I know, but I need to go to sleep

so that I can wake up at 3:00 A.M.

To get to the homeless shelter.

[Sighs] Doesn't matter anyway.

I'm not gonna be able to sleep

'cause all I'm thinking about
is this whole one-gift thing.

Uh... [Paper rustles]

Have you seen their Christmas lists?

"Wizard cape.

Would prefer standard,
but waist-length is okay."

Oh, my God. This is so sad.

I know.

- Jack wants "Kold Kuts".
- [Sighing] I know.

- With two K's!
- Uh, yeah.

Dre, do you think we were too harsh

with the kids with the presents?

- [Sighs] Maybe.
- Mm.

Look, I don't want my
kids waking up on Christmas

disappointed like I did.

Every year, I told pops I wanted
Clay-colored Riedell Skates,

and every year, he gave
me food from the fridge.

- Mm-hmm.
- I had to borrow my cousin's plastic skates.

I couldn't go two feet
without falling.

I was high-stepping
like a clydesdale.

No one wanted me on their skate crew.

My poor, little crewless Clydesdale.

[Sighs] Dre?

Hmm?

Do you think maybe...

Maybe we could get the kids
just, like, a few more gifts...

not as many as we were gonna get 'em,

but just, like, you know, more than one.

And maybe some extra for Junior.

He was my favorite.

Uh, what happened to "never say die!"?

I got bit by a relentless, orange spider.

I may actually die.

Hey, kids, listen up.

[Gasps] Junior!

Oh, my goodness. Where have you been?!

Sweetheart, did you get taller?!

Son, come here, come here!

Oh, my God. I missed you, little buddy!

How are you?!

Not so good. I got bit by a poisonous...

okay, not now. Not now.

I have something important to say.

Okay. Kids...

We're bringing Christmas back.

[All cheering]

- Ah, shh, shh!
- Shhhh!

Secretly.

Nobody tell pops.

Okay.

[Chuckles]

Please help me.

So cold.

Insides turning to jelly!

Oh!

I was having lunch with
my colleagues the next day

when Bow made an
unexpected appearance.

- Oh, hey, babe.
- Hi.

- Everything okay?
- Well...

you know, w-what are you
doing here looking like this?

[Chuckles] This is my job.

Rainbow! Wow!

Why don't you come on in?

- Have a seat.
- Yeah, come and sit.

This is, uh, Daphne, and
this is, um [Fingers snaps]

Doesn't matter.

Are you okay? Because you don't...

uh, how do I say this?... Uh, look okay.

Oh. No, no, she's fine. She's fine.

She just volunteered today
at the homeless shelter.

- Why?
- Why?

Oh, she was obviously
there scouting out organs.

N-no. Because volunteering is nice.

No, that makes no sense.

Babe... why are you here?

'Cause I thought I could come here

and we could have lunch together.

Oh, my God, of course! You're hungry.

Lucy [Fingers snap] give her your lunch.

Oh. Oh, my God! I do look awful!

God, I was just trying to do
something nice for Christmas.

Christmas doesn't always
work out the way you want.

- Oh, my God.
- If I had my way,

Phillip and I would be popping "X"

and rolling around in cranberry sauce

like the old days.

Pre-holiday divorce...
that's a rookie mistake.

Early October is when you want to file,

especially in New Hampshire.

The foliage around the Concord courthouse

is absolutely fabulous.

I'll keep that in mind

as I'm trying to eat a
25-pound Turkey by myself.

Wait, by yourself?

You can't be by yourself on Christmas.

Why don't... why don't
you come over to our house?

Babe, she's not interested.

I most certainly am.

Thank you, Dre's wife.

Nobody here had the decency.

N-n-now, h-hold
up. Wait a minute.

Daphne, I invited you Tuesday.

Does lying make you feel like a man, Dre?

I...

So, to get to the fun
of our secret Christmas Eve,

all we had to do
was endure pops'

old-school
Christmas Eve dinner.

All right, everybody, dig in.

This is a Christmas Eve dinner
the way God intended it...

fresh out the box.

Are we sure this is what God intended?

Baby girl, everything tastes
better straight out the box.

Now, who wants a leg and a wing?

Is it organic?

Why aren't we having
regular Christmas Eve dinner?

Boy, if you don't hush
up and eat your food...

Okay, everybody, just eat up.
There's Turkey in the hamper.

No, no, no, baby, he's right.

Why are we eating cold
chicken out of a box?

[Muffled] Excuse me?

I want to know!

Why are you making us do this?

I'm not making you do this.

We get to do this!

I'm going to go order Sushi.

Sit down, little girl.

This is Christmas Eve dinner,

and you are going to appreciate it.

You see this mess here?

This is "stuff" talk.

There's stuffing?

How does my kids wanting to have

a decent dinner at
Christmas have anything to do

with me buying them too much stuff?

This is what you had.
You turned out all right.

I turned out all right
in spite of all of this!

Sweetie, just ignore him

seriously, we have the secret Christmas.

No! You know what?

We tried Christmas your way, and it sucks!

Oh, you're too good now?

Oh. You got a little money in your pocket,

and now my traditional Christmas Eve dinner

isn't good enough for you.

Well, fine. Go have your Sushi.

Thank you.

- Yellowfin tuna?
- You know it.

Dre: It's not about Sushi, Pops.

It's about us doing things our way,

so we're gonna go upstairs,

and we're gonna open up all
the presents that I bought

because I'm proud of the
way that we do Christmas...

secretly, in the closet!

Everybody, up! Let's go open some stuff!

[Claps] Come on! Let's get our stuff on!

Okay, Christmas!

Whoa, babe.

If you're upset, we
don't have to do this now.

Oh, no, no, no, no. We can
wait until Christmas morning.

We're gonna do this right now. Okay, I...

we are going to celebrate
Christmas, damn it, okay?!

- Wow.
- Here's a gift.

Here's a gift. Here's a
gift. There's your gift!

- Okay.
- Stuff!

Now, get to it!

A merry... Christmas.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yes!

Uh Oh.

- A 6.
- What's wrong?

Nothing. [Sighs]

Except I kind of asked
for a 6s, but it's cool.

I mean, how are you supposed to know?

Except for the part where I
wrote it down for you, but...

I can't believe this!

[Sighs] And what is wrong with you?!

I disappeared myself for
a gift card to J.Crew?!

You took money I could use every place

and turned it into money
I could use one place.

So... Jack has more presents than I do?!

Okay. Shots fired.

You're jealous of a goldfish?

A daily chore that ends in heartbreak?!

What is happening?!

We're getting stuff that we don't like.

Are you not picking up on that?

You guys!

I stood up for you guys!

I went against my father

and every tradition that I had growing up!

For what?! For this?!

Okay.

So...

Gift receipts?

No, Diane.

All right. I did it.

I ruined the old-school
Christmas and secret Christmas.

Can't wait to see what
you do to new year's.

You know, I tried to blame you,

I tried to blame the kids,
but all this falls on me.

Well...

Nobody's disagreeing with you.

You know, a-as fathers...

We try to give our kids more than we had.

Sometimes that just isn't the best thing.

So, Christmas morning
was bright and sunny outside,

but not inside.

[Sighs] Do you think
we'll still get stockings?

What is wrong with you?

For some weird reason, dad's boss is here.

Did she bring presents?

- She did not.
- Well, hi! Hello!

Oh, my goodness. So nice you came!

[Chuckles nervously]
Dre will be right back,

but, please, uh, join our,
um, our chr... our Christmas.

Wow, uh, thank you for inviting me

to this wonderfully festive
and heartwarming environment.

D-do the kids not have presents?

Our dad threw them away before we woke up.

[Laughing nervously]

Ha! That sounds so much worse than it is.

Well, here's what happened.

So, Dre had a screaming match with his dad

over the fried Christmas chicken,

and then we went upstairs
to have our secret Christmas

in the closet and our hamper Turkey,

and Dre had already
thrown his dirty underwear

[chuckles] On top of the Turkey, so...

[Inhales deeply] And
then the goldfish died.

She did?!

Ooh. A-anyway, um, we're
all just trying to, you know,

rally and have a nice...

Normal Christmas.

- Black Jesus?
-
Happy Birthday

-
Black Jesus - Yes, she... calls him that.

- [Sighs]
-
Happy Birthday, dear redeemer king

[Blows]

You know, I'm just gonna go grab Chinese

- with the sad Jewish girl from work.
- Oh.

-
For he's a jolly good savior - please, uh, Dre will be so sad he missed you.

-
For he's a jolly good savior - I'll walk... why are you running?

Come on!
who nobody can renounce

All right, Pops, what's up?

I hate church's chicken.

What?

Don't get me wrong. It's chicken.

It's fried in delicious
batter, but I hate it.

Then why did you talk it up every year

and make it our Christmas tradition?

Because it was the best I could do,

and I was so embarrassed,

I tried to sell it as
the best that ever was.

[Sighs]

Pops, you just could've said so.

And what's that conversation look like?

"Listen, son, I work a minimum-wage job,

and I can barely keep the lights on.

So, here are some
pickles. Merry Christmas."

Well, maybe not exactly in those words.

I-I see what you're
trying to do for your kids,

and I respect it.

I just think you're trying to do too much.

Now, maybe I went a little overboard

- with the old-school Christmas...
- Mm-hmm.

But your new-school Christmas
ain't exactly working, either.

[Chuckles]

Well, there's always Kwanzaa.

[Scoffs] Boy, you ain't got no sense.

[Laughs]

But look here. You're a decent dad.

Merry Christmas.

Yes, you did.

You know, this... this feels pickle-heavy.

Boy, if you don't open
that gift... [laughs]

And this here is your crew.

Thanks, Pops.

You make it feel like
Christmas every day...

I'm also just grateful to be alive.

God rest her soul.

Diane: Look, I'm not saying
you should give me less, but...

Well, it's no "God bless us, everyone"...

[Chuckles] Come on, give me some love.

Give me some love.

- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.

[Laughter]

AlI right, I think I'm
getting the hang of this.

[All shout] Whoo! It's all right.

Why would you ask for a pair of skates

if you never learned how to skate?!

[All shouting]

Okay, Bow, can you help me?!

Listen to 'em jingle.

[Bracelets jingling] Jangle, jingle!

Baby Jesus has leftovers! Who wants cake?!

Me! Me! Me! Me!

[Pants tearing] Aah! Aah!

Okay, save me some cake!

Ow! Ooh!

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