Original subtitles

There are many different ways to protect your family.

Now I hate to be the paranoid mom with the list of things that would kill her son, but...

Mm.

In-vitro was not cheap. [Chuckles]

It's just that some ways are way more annoying than others.

Okay, peanuts. He can't have peanuts.

- Okay. - Gluten.

- Of course. - Black mold.

- Mm-hmm. Okay. - Why black mold?

HBO.

- What? - What?

That show "Girls" makes him want to talk to me

about that show "Girls," which makes me want to kill him.

So I had to [Laughing] put it on the list.

Okay.

So, uh, what... like, what, um...

What time are you gonna pick Seth up tomorrow?

Oh, not till Sunday.

Oh! Oh, so, like...

oh, three whole days. [Laughs]

You can just forward his mail.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

We are so happy to be raising your son.

- That's nice. - I see you have smoke detectors.

- Mm-hmm. - Yes.

Good.

I assume you have a carbon-monoxide monitor.

- Mm-hmm. - Oh, yeah.

Obviously you don't have a gun.

- No. - Yes.

- No, we don't. - We absolutely have a gun.

You know, there've been a few break-ins in the neighborhood,

so I decided to get a gun to protect my sneakers.

Oh, and you guys.

- Right. - Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Oh, that...

That makes [Clears throat] makes perfect sense.

- Mm-hmm. - Seth, don't settle in!

Seth!

Why would you lie to her about us having a gun?

I don't know that woman.

She might have been a part of the break-ins.

White people stole our freedom, Bow.

You don't think they'll come in here and steal my Xbox?

Dre, this is serious.

Yes, protecting my family is very serious.

That's why I've been talking about getting a gun for years.

- Mnh-mnh. - Even more now that the kids are freaked out

because of that break-in on the next block.

Bow, this bourgie neighborhood

has lulled us into a false sense of security.

It's time to...

Tool up.

No.

We are not getting a gun.

Do you watch the news?

Guns are very dangerous.

Yeah, yeah. You know what's dangerous, Bow?

What?

Being murdered.

By murderers.

But when it comes to the best way to protect your family,

there's still a little bit of a debate.

And it looked like me and Bow

were about to have one big-ass debate.

thank you so much for everything.

Something came up, and it has nothing to do with the gun.

[Door closes]

Well, Seth is gone.

Let's celebrate with nuts and gluten.

And even though I hate it, let's watch that show "Girls."

This is not a joke.

There's nothing funny about the show "Girls," Bow.

I'm not playing.

We agreed on this.

- No, you agreed on this. - And I was right.

Every day at work, I see what guns do to people.

Why do you want a gun?

Why do I want a gun?

For protection.

Oh, and you don't feel safe enough

with all the ridiculous weapons

you have stashed around this house?

They're not ridiculous.

Under-counter switchblade?

Shower machete?

Blender nunchuks? Why?

In case you get attacked while making a milkshake?

It's where you're most vulnerable.

- Oh, my God. - Come on, Bow.

We'd all be a lot safer if I got a gun.

Got a gun?

You mean we've been living in this house without one?

[Sighs]

You've had us flapping in the breeze?

Okay, why don't you guys go to your room?

Why? Is there a gun in there?

Go!

- Unbelievable. - Mm-hmm.

And there go two of the four biggest reasons

why we should not have a gun.

They're two of the biggest reasons to have a gun.

Our children are frightened, Bow,

and as their father, it's my job to keep them safe.

You're insane.

Insane?

We have a hard enough time keeping Jack alive

without a lethal weapon in the house.

Every day that boy doesn't drown himself when brushing his teeth

is a victory.

No gun?

I thought dad loved us.

Apparently not, or he would've strapped up.

I'm such a fool!

I've been sleeping with my window open.

Guys, relax.

We don't need a gun.

That kind of security is fool's gold.

The real threat to our family and America is cyberterrorism.

Here it goes.

No one's watching the grid.

What... the grid?

Are you ever on anyone else's page?

God, I hope not.

- Wake up, sheep! - [Gasps]

Cyberterrorism has made burgling possible

for fat guys who can't fit through windows.

So to protect us, I'm gonna beef up our firewall.

'Cause somebody has to.

- No, they don't. - Mm, no, they don't.

It's your funeral.

Bye, freak.

[Gasps] Hey,

that girl Dominique Harris seems like she's from a gun family.

Maybe her parents will adopt us.

Good idea.

Should I go with adorable face or sad-puppy face?

I'll find it.

Uh, excuse me?

You know what?

If no one wants to say it, I will.

I'm the real target.

You guys are scraps!

Well, if you really want to learn how to defend yourself,

I could teach you the gentle art of karate.

Thanks, Pops, but I don't know

if that's better than having a gun.

Yeah, I used to carry.

And then someone took my piece and used it against me.

What happened?

Your grandma Ruby shot me right in the biscuit.

But then I learned the gentle art of karate.

I became a walking lethal weapon.

See these guns? They don't jam.

No 10-day waiting period, and I breeze right through TSA.

Sounds ridiculous.

All right, Zo-Zo.

You are the one that said you were the real target.

Wa-wa-wait. Come back.

That's a solid point.

I'm in. And I need to learn today.

Whoa.

Martial arts is not learned in a day.

It's a long, lonely journey that begins within,

in which the student... that's you...

never questions the master... that's me.

- You understand? - Sure.

So, are you ready to begin your training?

The lessons begin.

Pledge on.

Pledge off.

Pledge on.

What does this have to do with learning karate?

Everything.

You missed a spot.

[Sighs] Pledge on.

And we will get maximum market penetration

with a multi-platform media blitz.

Now, before I continue,

does anybody want to interrupt me with personal business?

You know, I got something.

- Yeah! - Outstanding.

I hate powerpoint.

I want to get a gun, but Bow is heavy against it.

Get a gun, Dre.

You gonna need one anyway when it's time for the...

Evolution-ray.

You know, my girlfriend didn't want me to have a gun.

But I told her, "I'm a man. Men have guns."

Heh.

N-now I'm on tinder, s-so...

Well, I am a card-carrying member of the NRA.

- Whoa. - Geez, Stevens.

I didn't know California had an open carry permit.

Well, I like to think of the gun on my hip

as the permit to carry the gun on my hip.

[Chuckles] Dre, just be careful, all right?

'Cause guns go off really easy.

Like, really, really easy.

Matter of fact, get you a throwaway.

Less questions.

For who?

Anyway, look, just let me know when the gun shows up,

because I have a great place for us to go hunt the giant panda.

Oh, yeah.

Mr. Stevens, those are endangered.

Didn't say it was cheap.

Here's how you convince your wife, Dre.

Y-you buy the gun, and then you, uh...

Well, you just point it right in her face, you know?

[Chuckling] [Stammers]

Unloaded, of course. [Laughs]

I'm not a crazy person, okay?

If I was seeing eye-to-eye with the dum-dums from work,

then maybe I was on the wrong side of the issue.

Maybe.

[Sobbing]

What's going on?

We were robbed.

We were in the house,

and they came in through the back door.

I was making a milkshake!

It's where you're most vulnerable.

[Sobs]

Nothing makes a marriage stronger

than arguing over the most polarizing issue in America.

I just don't think that violence is ever the solution.

Bow, the threat is literally in our backyard.

- We're getting a gun. - So, you're saying to me,

if Janine had a gun in her house, she would have been safe?

Yes! I'm saying people protect themselves using guns.

It's what they're for.

Dre, statistics show that it would've been used against her,

or she would've shot herself or her husband.

Who still hasn't returned our leaf blower.

- So, justice? - Oh, my God.

Bow, it's not that I don't understand your perspective.

It's just that your perspective is dumb.

You are lucky we don't have a gun in this house,

'cause I would shoot you right now.

You wish you could.

See, you're making my point for me.

Clearly there is no compromise.

No, there isn't.

That's why we're getting a gun.

- No! - Yes!

[Grunts]

Look at this.

I've been keeping score.

It's time for me to win.

It's my turn!

I did not have your four children

so you could die and leave me to raise them.

- I'm not gonna... - take it back!

Can't never do nothing...

[Stomps]

That makes you look like you ate Eddie Murphy.

- What? - Take it back!

Never do nothing!

You are not turning my sanctuary into a gas-station bathroom.

- No, that... - take it back!

- But you can pee standing... - take it back!

Never let me do nothing!

I've been tanking arguments on purpose just to win a big one,

and getting a gun is a big one.

Fine. You want a big one?

You can have a urinal.

Too late. The S.S.Urinal has sailed.

We're getting a gun.

Ba-bang! Ba-bang!

Well, if you shoot the way you pee,

then we're all gonna be dead.

[Mockingly] Ba-bang! Ba-bang!

Good night.

Good night.

Mmm.

Mm. Damn it.

God.

Look at him.

That's our father.

Let's go.

[Sighs]

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey. Come here. Where are you going?

To Dominique Harris' house.

We'll be safe there.

What are you talking about? You're safe here.

Really?

With you protecting us?

- Yes, really. - Uh-huh.

This morning, we saw you

trying to put your pants on over your shoes.

I did not.

I have video.

I...

Thought they were boot cut.

- They weren't. - They weren't.

But I get it.

This is about the gun, isn't it?

Don't worry.

Don't worry.

I'm all on this.

I guess we should give him a chance.

We can't leave our safety in the hands of that man.

We got to start looking out for ourselves.

Well, I heard about a documentary

on security systems for young kids.

If this kid can protect his family, so can we.

The twins were the final straw.

So I went to exercise my second-amendment right

at a local gun store.

There's your shotgun, ma'am.

Do... do you have class for this to use?

[Scoffs] No, no, no.

There's plenty of stuff on YouTube.

- You...? - Honestly, it's mostly about confidence.

- Con... - Okay.

Have fun.

Oh, I don't know...

Ehh, looks like you don't know.

Hey, man, you're really gonna sell her that?

Why? 'Cause she's a woman?

I'm about to sell one to you, and you're a...

anyway, what can I help you with today?

I'd like a handgun, please.

Preferably one I can hold sideways.

Yeah, sure thing.

Just fill out this paperwork, give me a deposit,

I'll give you a gun-safety test, and I'll see you in 10 days.

10 da... you mean I have to wait and take a test?

- Mm-hmm. - She didn't have to.

Yeah, well, handguns are dangerous.

[Shotgun cocking]

[Woman grunting]

Please do that outside, ma'am.

So, obviously, the process needs a little refining.

But I was on the path of making my family safe.

Meantime, the kids still didn't trust me,

so they were on their own path.

Got yourself a gun

You from the 'hood I hope you

Got yourself a gun

You want beef, hope ya ohhh!

Got yourself a gun Unh! and when I see you, I'm-a take what I want Dre: Fearing no danger, Junior became a brave foot soldier

in the war against cyber-terror.

Got yourself a gun [Slurps]

While Zoey was working on her inner chi,

she was helping pops with his outer chores.

Vacuum the floor.

Zoey: Are you ever gonna teach me karate

or am I just gonna keep doing chores?

By mastering the mundane, one can achieve the extraordinary.

You saw "Karate Kid"... those chores were how

Mr. Miyagi turned Daniel-San into a champion.

Really? That's how you actually learn karate?

That's the only way to learn karate.

Fact... Bruce Lee's mother's house

was spic-and-span and spotless.

I see you're not convinced.

[Inhales deeply]

Tchya! Try and hit me.

- Right now? - Right now.

Okay.

Vacuum the floor! Aah!

Now, do you want to learn karate,

or would you prefer home invaders bust in here in the middle of the night

and see you with a scarf on your head?

[Stifled] Karate.

Good.

All right. [Clears throat]

Now, bend your knees.

Straighten up your back.

Good. Now...

Go plunge the toilet.

Unh, I got mine Meanwhile, the clock was ticking

on the 10-day waiting period.

Even though I was sure

I was doing the right thing by my family,

it didn't stop Bow from trying to change my mind.

She tried facts.

289 jelly beans.

The same number of people that get shot every day.

That's one every five minutes.

- Those are scary numbers. - Yeah.

- We should get two guns. - What?

She tried bribery.

I'm not gonna kill myself on that

and leave you to raise our kids.

What is wrong with you?

Take it back.

She tried coming down to my level.

Rock, paper, scissors.

Winner gets her way.

I feel sad for you.

What is that?

Gun.

Gun beats everything.

Then the gun arrived, and she tried old faithful.

I hope that gun is more important to you than sex.

What?

She don't really mean that.

You know, once she... she calms down,

she'll come crawling back to get this loving.

No, she won't.

I know.

I know.

Okay, done with that.

Mm.

Good night, babe.

I...

- oh. - Mm-hmm.

Okay. Silent treatment.

That's cool.

Now I don't have to pretend to be interested in your day.

"Word?

Tuna fish again?

Ha! You crazy, Bow."

[Loud thud]

Dre, did you hear that?

Dre, did you hear that?

Uh, Bow, you obviously don't know

how the silent treatment works.

[Loud thud] [Gasps]

Somebody's in the house!

Diane: Then why are we in here? What's dad gonna do?

Suck salsa off the burglar's shirt?!

Don't worry, guys. I know karate.

- What's on your head? - Yeah.

Oh.

Mop the floor! Mop the floor!

Okay, okay.

Okay, everybody calm down, all right?

I'm just gonna check the security cameras.

Oh, I took the liberty of adding a few features

that I think you'll find... [Chimes]

[Screams]

Those are not the features I added. I...

what the hell did you do, huh? What the hell did you do?

- Get away from me, man. - Hey, you remember Zoey's scarf?

[Loud thud] [Twins scream]

Rainbow: Get down.

Dre.

- Dre, get the gun. - What?

- Get the gun! - Okay.

And don't stop pulling the trigger

until your finger cramps!

Okay, okay.

Oh, my goodness. Dre!

Why do they put so much tape on these things?

[Grunts] Okay.

Got it. Where is it? Where is it?

[Screaming] Freeze [Bleep]

Hello, son.

Thought you should know you're out of scotch.

And somebody needs an ass whupping.

Are you kidding me?

Mnh-mnh.

Dry as a bone. See?

- I can't believe I almost shot pops. - Yeah.

Really? You think you almost shot pops?

Okay, leave your dad alone, all right?

It was a false alarm. Everybody just go back to your rooms.

- No! - What?

I want him to explain how he was gonna shoot pops with a box.

Okay, look, I-I-I was just...

Flapping. In. The breeze.

Go!

Go to your rooms.

Way to turn it on dad to distract from your cyber fail.

I'm so disappointed in myself.

In yourself? But...

so does that mean I'm off the hook?

Dre, I hate guns more than I hate how Levi's fit me.

And I know I don't want guns anywhere near my children,

all right?

But somehow I panicked, okay?

And that is how people wind up shot.

That is exactly why we shouldn't have a gun in the house.

Babe, I get it.

And I shouldn't want one, either,

especially after what just happened.

But I do.

Okay, you have to explain this to me.

You need to help me understand.

It... [Sighs]

Talk to me.

You know how sometimes I look past you when I talk?

Yeah.

It's habit.

From when me and my brother would sit on our porch.

We would look over each other's shoulder to see what was coming.

A drive-by, people getting jumped, jacked.

There was always something.

And when that's your childhood, it feels like

the only way to keep yourself from being a victim

is to have a gun.

And as much as I want to get that out of my mind, Bow,

I can't.

Dre, why didn't you ever tell me that?

[Sighs]

Babe, I don't know.

Look, I-I never thought about it like that until just now.

I get it.

I do. I get it, and I hear you, okay?

But I still don't want a gun in our house.

[Sighs]

But I can't erase your experiences, either.

So I know that you are gonna make the right decision,

all right?

- Thank you. - You are welcome.

Make the right decision, though.

So, can I get that urinal?

Yeah, that'll look great in your apartment in reseda.

Mm-hmm. Get the urinal.

That's cool.

I'm, uh... I'm cool with peeing sitting down.

Zo-Zo.

Zo-Zo, I-I got to come clean.

I carry a gun, all right?

Now come out the trash.

You said guns were unreliable

and that karate was the real answer.

I say that to sucker people into fair fights.

Karate is cray-cray.

You have no idea how many black belts I've shot.

And, for the record, you did a bang-up job with the toilet.

Bang-up job.

Quick heads up,

I was using your grill to dry some socks and smalls

and, well, long story short, you need a new grill.

Okay.

What's wrong with you?

[Scoffs]

Trying to figure out what I'm gonna do with this gun.

Bow doesn't really want it,

and I can't stop feeling like I need it.

Dre, look around you, son.

You done good.

I mean, you got your kids in a place

where they're not surrounded by gangs and packs of wild dogs

and grown men riding girls' bicycles.

[Laughs]

Huh?

You... you know, I actually miss that last one.

- Yeah, me too. - Mm-hmm.

But the point is, by the time Junior has his own family,

maybe he won't feel the need to have a gun to protect them.

Okay, you do, you can't change that

any more than you can change the fact that you're a klutz.

You tried to shoot me with a box last night.

- You scared me. - Okay.

You gonna give me this damn gun until you learn some gun safety.

And if you still want it, then we'll keep it locked up.

That way, nobody'll get hurt.

All right?

Thanks, Pops.

Mm.

You know what else I miss from the 'hood?

What's that?

Being buzzed into the KFC bathroom.

- Oh, yeah. - Mm-hmm.

Now, that made you feel special.

[Laughs]

They didn't just let anybody in there.

- Mnh-mnh. - Mnh-mnh.

There may not be one way to protect your family,

but the Johnsons still figured out

a way to make everyone feel safe.

And for us, that means living with pops,

who is a master of gun-fu.

What, you not gonna let the armed man have the last chop?

That's what I thought.

What have I done?

Oh, Pops. Check it out. Zoey's teaching me karate.

Hyah!

Hyah!

Ky-yah!

[Laughs] [Vacuum stops]

Show me "shirt on hanger."

[Inhales deeply]

Shirt on hanger!

Hyah! Hyah!

Hyaaah!

Wha! Yah! Wha!

Yah!

Whoo!

Oh, yeah.

Congratulations, Zo-Zo.

The student has become the master.

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