Original subtitles

Everyone has a dream.

A friend dreamt of making it with a girl smelling of Nivea.

Another dreamt of having 3 dicks. Not 2, but 3.

Weird, huh?

I dreamt of something much simpler: Playing the guitar.

Simple, huh?

And I know why I dreamt that.

Dreams come from traumas.

For example, my Nivea friend.

At age 6, he saw a girl using Nivea and,

according to him, that was his first erection.

If that's true, that marks you.

Then there's my 3-dick friend.

He's a horny guy, so there's no need to explain his dream.

According to him, he wants 3 because...

I want 3: One for pissing,

another for fucking and the third for jerking off

I don't like using the same one for everything.

Jerking off is sacred. You understand, Albert?

Some day I'll set up the Jerk Off Club.

About my dream of playing the guitar, when I was 6

a guitar teacher came to my home...

You see? This is the G chord.

And since your fingers are so small,

you'll play with this.

At that first class, after giving me a pick,

he died.

He died in front of me. Mom, horrified, said:

“Why didn't he die a while ago on the 5th ?oor?”

- Why didn't he die on the 5th floor? - I don't know.

And there's the trauma. The teacher died, what a bummer...

I kept the pick

because it's rude to throw away a dying man's gift.

Besides, it's magical. When I feel my life is out of tune,

I hold it close and it's like I were tuned.

I never learned to play

because Mom wanted no private lessons

'cause people come and die.

People come and die.

That could be a definition of this world.

DON'T ASK ME To KISS YOU BECAUSE I WILL

What are you doing here? I told you not to come until 5 a.m.

I'm out of smokes. I'll get some and leave. What's that?

- Fricandeau. - Can I?

Okay.

- How's that? - It needs salt and it's cold.

- Take the pack and go. - It's my place too, you know.

- You'll take guitar lessons? - Maybe. I don't know.

I saw it at the pool and thought it could be cool.

- So you took it? - Yeah.

Someone'll get mad.

That's not your thing. You can't make fricandeau, much less a chord.

- I know, you're telling her today. - Yeah, don't you believe me?

I do, but when you say you will, the next day you haven't.

- I'll tell her today, for sure! - How long has it been?

- A long time. - Not long, but very long.

- When's the wedding? - In 5 days.

- Shit, you have to tell her. - I told you I will today.

- Okay, what will you say? - What do you mean?

- Well, that I'm leaving her. - And that's it?

It's more complicated. Say you're leaving her, not getting married,

you'll talk to the guests, to me, the best man, to her parents...

You're not just leaving her.

I know it's complex, but I'll sum it up in "I'm leaving you".

Well, that's tactical. And when she asks why?

- Maybe she won't. - Sure she will. When you take

something back to a store, they ask you "why".

Do you always say why when you leave someone?

I never have, but when they leave me I ask

how, where and even for who.

- Is there a "who"? - No, there's no "who".

I'm surprised, she's a nice piece.

I'm leaving her because... Because I...

- You? - No, because she...

Her, of course!

Our relationship isn't working out.

- It seems you don't know why. - Shit, I sure do!

A babe left me saying we didn't toot, which is worst than not working out.

- I'm dying to do the same. - Shit, she's here!

- I told you to go. - You did, didn't you?

- Put that out, she hates smoke! - Now it doesn't matter.

- You have ruined the mood. - What mood?

The cold mood I wanted to create.

Now she'll greet you, you'll converse. That's not cold.

I'll leave so you can split up.

Say hi, and go. No jokes, okay?

No, you can create your South Pole climate.

- Hi. - Hi.

How are you, darling?

- David! - Hey!

- What are you doing here? - Well...

- Didn't you have a date? - Me, a date?

- That's what Albert said. Oh, yeah, a nice piece I met

How lucky!

A bottle of champagne? What are we celebrating?

Something unforgettable, I'm sure.

I have to go, my super girl is waiting.

- Sure. Good luck. - Good luck to you too.

What's this? Candles? You hate them.

Fricandeau.

My favorite dish!

I love you, Albert

I love you too.

I couldn't believe my plan went so wrong.

5 days to the wedding and I felt a coward and a liar.

Besides, I couldn't sleep,

so I went to David's shop, where he spent many nights.

- Hi. - Hi.

- What? No? - No, I couldn't.

Do you want to come home? - No, this is comfortable.

Yes.

She's beautiful.

Yes, she is.

Like the fake girlfriend you made up.

- What fake girlfriend? - My date.

I hadn't imagined any.

I wondered if she'd like me, and I got very worked up.

Man!

I didn't jerk off! I'm ethical. I sell these.

Those are just for show.

If you didn't tell her, what did you do?

Wedding details.

Helena had a long list of things to do.

A wedding requires much time to distract you

- and not think about marriage. - That could be.

But I got it almost all off my chest. I told her I'll play the guitar,

that I too had a list of things I want to do before marrying,

and the guitar was the only one left.

Why did you pick St. John's day to get married?

- As a kid, I liked that day. - You'll stop liking it now.

You have to be a banger! You get it?

- Fireworks. - Yeah.

A banger!

- Did you charge your leg? - Yeah.

- Thanks. - You're welcome.

- Shall I turn the light off? - Okay.

- You sure you didn't jerk off? - I didn't!

- Well, maybe only once. - As I thought.

St. John's day was the best day in the world.

I'd get up early because I knew I had the urbanization to myself.

While everyone slept, I collected a treasure.

The night before no one picked up the duds.

But the best was still to come, and was worth getting up early:

What made St. John's day the happiest of my life.

The adults dove in dressed and lost coins from their pockets.

The pool was like a treasure chest. My treasure chest.

And I'm still at a pool. I'm not a lifeguard, no.

I work in a library but, one month every summer,

my 2 hobbies coincide: Books and the pool.

They were mainly paperbacks, comics and magazines.

At the pool, people get tired of reading.

Besides, there's hardly anyone at this pool.

Urbanizations died in the 90's.

- Hi, kids, what's up? - I want this one, this one!

- The one about the wolf! - The one about the scooter!

Wait a second. Take whatever you like.

Hi. Sorry.

- Who, me? - Yeah.

- Don't worry, we're leaving. - No, that's okay, there's no hurry.

Hello!

- What a beautiful puppy! It's not a puppy. It's a dwarf

It has dwarfism - Really?

- Yeah, it's 8 years old. - I didn't know they existed.

They do, and I think it knows it's a dwarf

- It knows? - Yes.

How interesting. I wanted to talk to you about the ad.

- You give guitar lessons, right? - So it was you who took it!

- Yeah, well, I thought... - You thought what?

I had to come put another one up, and I don't live nearby.

Posters are for people to take note, not to be ripped off!

I'm joking!

I've always wanted to pull that prank, you know?

I was joking, I have more, don't worry.

Yeah, I understand.

- Well, you're not laughing. - I hardly ever laugh.

Right.

Let's

Listen, excuse me. What's the time schedule for your lessons?

We're packed. You'll have to wait until next month.

It must be this week. You've been putting up posters.

- Because you rip them off! - Or maybe because I didn't laugh?

No. Look.

Full, full, full, full.

What about this one?

This one? It's a course that starts this afternoon

This afternoon is great.

- It's for special people. - Special?

Handicapped. Besides, it's 5 days only, one hour...

5 days? That's perfect. Just what I was looking for. It's perfect!

- No, it's for the handicapped. - Right.

- If I were, could I get in? - Sure, if you were.

- Are you special? - Yes, I am. I have no taste.

- That's a good one! - It's no joke, it's a bummer.

You invite someone over and you use too much salt, or not enough.

- If that's true, you're in. - Thanks.

At 4:30. Bring a guitar.

Could it be a bit later? I'm getting married Friday

and today we try the banquet food with my in-laws.

4:30. If you have no taste, you can't help them much, can you?

- How clever! I got that one! - Yeah? That wasn't a joke.

Be on time, okay?

- You'll study guitar with retards? - Yeah.

- She's very late. - Why, is it cheaper?

- What? - The course with retards.

- I don't know. - Well, it should.

Excuse me, could you bring the appetizers and the first course?

Sure but, without the bride?

She'll be here soon.

- Can you do that? - Of course.

You're in for big trouble, you know that?

- How many hours? - 5, one a day.

- Why so few, 'cause you're retards? - How do I know?

- Do they give retards the guitar? - No, they don't. Cut that out.

I took lessons with it at home, until the teacher died.

The guy who gave you a pick and died was real?

- Why doesn't anyone believe me? - I believe you.

Did he die a natural death, or because you played lousy?

It's a musical casting too. I play while you serve the food.

You can dance to the rhythm.

- Are you the bride and groom? - No, no!

Right.

Well, I've brought you a mushroom mousse with shrimp and prawns...

- Give us no clues. - No, we're like food detectives.

Come on. 1, 2, 3, 4...

- It's out of tune. - Can you play?

Yeah, just a bit. I learned as a kid, but then my teacher

went to see another kid, and died.

- How funny! - Really, and he took my favorite pick.

I'm going or I'll be late.

- Tell Helena and her parents. - That's a bitch of a trick!

I'll compensate you.

- Do you want my alcohol mouthpiece? - Your what?

My alcohol mouthpiece.

I got stopped once and kept it. So, when I'm late,

I say I was stopped by a traffic cop.

You're crazy! Did they stop you last week, or was it the piece?

What do you think?

I was glad the road was jammed.

I was a bit afraid of meeting my classmates.

Above all because something happened when I was a kid.

One summer we went to the house of horrors.

People said it was full of monsters,

and had the largest trampoline in the world.

We sweated and felt fear, like we were supposed to,

until it appeared.

The monsters!

But they weren't monsters, they were mentally retarded kids.

We realized that that was their school, and their trampoline.

I'll never forget their faces, screaming, jumping and yelling.

I was a bit scared. I usually fear the unknown.

I think it has to do with mom.

She was always afraid and said you should trust no one.

And so I didn't.

And when I'm scared, I sweat.

And when I sweat, I stink.

So, when I must face something unknown, I use a lot of cologne.

But I stunk of cologne.

She once said something I'll never forget:

"Don't fear the unknown, fear what you don't know. “

I've never had a fuckin' idea of the difference.

- Taking guitar lessons? - With retards?

Yes, you caught on fast. It took me longer.

Why with retards, it's cheaper?

No, how narrow-minded you are.

Well, I've tasted and eaten almost everything, or everything,

and as a first course I recommend the lobster with salmon,

and thick meat as a main course,

with no potatoes and more stuff.

And for dessert, a cup of whipped cream, walnuts, chocolate

and vanilla.

Hi.

Sorry I'm late, but I got stopped to control my drinking.

To control your drinking. Okay, sit over there.

Listen, can I have it?

The mouthpiece.

- Thanks! - Let me see.

This is 2 years old. You're a liar.

Give it back. It's mine.

Okay, guys, my name is Javier

and I'm your guitar teacher.

Present yourselves.

- Who's first? - You, you!

- Okay, I'll start. Carol, student!

My name is Andres, and I'm a student.

- Well, I... - I'm Pol, a student!

Ekaitz, Basque. I forgot my guitar. Bad memory.

Now?

- My name is... - Marcos!

- Can we dance? - Not yet. Come here.

- Will you present yourself? - Albert, student.

Well,

now that we know each other, I'll explain the course.

The course lasts 5 days.

The first and last days we'll be here, and the other 3

at one of your homes. Do you understand?

No.

I'll explain it again.

The idea is to have 3 lessons at one of your homes

so you can feel comfortable - I smell cologne.

- Is it you? - What?

- You smell of cologne. - It stinks!

- To sweat is good. - It really stinks, Javier!

- I can't stand it! - Andres, Andres!

- I'm smothering too. - No, wait!

It stinks! I can't stay here!

You do stink, but I don't care.

Will you give me the cologne? You've got a lot.

Okay, thanks.

Carol!

Okay.

Marcos, don't you want to sit?

I want to dance!

- To dance, you must be standing. - That's true.

Then Marcos will learn to play standing up, next to me.

Come here.

- You sure do stink! - He stinks, Javier!

- I sweat a lot. Okay, guys, let's start

- Get your guitars out. - I forgot mine.

- Will you give it to me? - No, it's mine.

- Don't worry, take mine. - No, not that one.

Either mine or none, Javier.

He can't touch it. His hand is weird.

It's not weird, just different. I'll bring it tomorrow.

- Okay. - Then can I have it?

Or how about Eric?

But, Pol... that's a violin.

Yeah.

- You like it? - Yeah.

I won't give it to you either.

Did you hear? Javier wanted it.

Okay, guys!

Before starting, who is left or right-handed?

- What? - I'm a Barca fan.

I'm a Santander fan. No, Osasuna...

No, a Seville fan.

- Which hand do you use to comb? - Grandma combs me with pigtails!

- I comb myself. - With which hand?

- What? - Which hand?

With both. I always pan it down the middle.

I'm left-handed.

- What a shame. - Is that bad?

Neither good nor bad, but you'll have to change the strings around.

- Okay. - That's a bitch!

- He said "bitch"! He said a dirty word!

What's a bitch?

It's when things don't turn out as you expected.

What a bitch, I left my guitar!

What a bitch, I can't dance!

If asked to play and they have right-handed guitars, what do I do?

Learn to play right-handed. Let me go on, you're delaying the class.

Have some respect.

- That's true. - Okay, guys.

Okay, the first lesson!

The strings are numbered from 1 to 6.

This would be the first,

second, third, fourth

fifth and sixth. Okay?

Your fingers are also numbered from 1 to 4.

The fifth doesn't count because it's back here.

It's 1, 2, 3 and 4.

And the frets, these spaces between gold and gold,

are also numbered. Okay? Okay, let's play a note.

Put finger 1 on fret 1 beneath string 4. It sounds like this.

- Do it again? - You understand?

- No. - Which is finger 1?

- We have 5 fingers. - The fret...

- My guitar has 3 strings. - Yeah.

I'll explain again. The strings...

are numbered from 1 to 6.

These are 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6.

Fingers are also numbered. These are 1, 2, 3 and 4.

Now let's play a note.

- Very good! - Very good!

Did you get it?

- It stinks of cologne here! - It stinks a lot!

I can't stay here.

I'm leaving too.

I didn't feel like going home.

My cowardice to tell Helena what I felt made me keep away,

and that made me stink more of cologne.

Only chlorine could hide the smell of cologne.

I love to swim at night. Nothing bad can happen to me there.

Hi.

Hey, hi!

What's this?

It got cool and I used all the towels I could find.

- Thanks. - They're nice.

- Yes. Colorful

- How'd the course go? - Fine. Well, okay...

- Play something. - No, I can't yet.

We learned the numbers of the strings and our fingers.

- You're studying math? - Almost.

- How are the retards? - Weird.

Weird. What do you mean?

- You stink of cologne. - Yes, so I've been told.

- Use a bit less. - Next time.

Helena called yesterday.

You should call her, and not spend all day here.

You must tell her.

Yeah, I know, but I don't know how.

Well, have an argument with her.

That never fails.

Yeah, argue with her, and when you reach the highest point

of a faked argument, you say you don't like to argue

and you leave her.

- That's infallible. - No, that won't work.

I've been stood up 20 times for an argument.

- Yeah, but I won't do it. - Okay, that's up to you.

I'll go take a bath, jerk off and then get to work.

Shit! How many times do you do that, 3 a day?

3? You're not home often.

Around 6. You used to know that.

- You should go out with someone. - What for? Look at you.

Jerking off is much better than a relationship.

For example, if you're low, you jerk off and your mood changes.

You are what you are afterjerking off.

You are what you are after jerking off.

Say it right. "You are what you are after jerking off."

- Create that Jerk Off Club. - It's not that easy.

The members must be first-class, and it's not easy to find them.

- I thought it was just jerking off. - You're an idiot! It's not just that.

The members must understand what it is, and how it helps people.

I have to go. I'm meeting Helena to go talk to the priest at 1.

- You, best man, should come too. - I have something else at hand.

- You can argue there. - In church?

Sure, you'll be forgiven.

If you want to be a member, I'll test you.

- Sure. Don't jerk off here, okay? - No way, man!

Besides, if you piss, it's red. But if it's the other,

- it's orange. - Orange?

Yes, yes.

You don't believe me. Will you open the pool library?

- Okay. - See you. Bye.

Okay, see you on Sunday. Bye. How punctual!

- Hi. - How are you?

- You wanted Haendel for the entry. - Yes, yes.

Marriages made listening to Haendel last many, many years.

That's a joke!

- You can't wait until Friday, huh? - I can't stop thinking about it.

Okay.

- Hi. - Hi.

- Were you praying? - Yes.

- Where's David? - He had things to do.

Okay. Yesterday was a dirty trick.

- I hope the course was worth it. I'm sorry I stood your parents up

That's okay. Let's talk to the priest.

- The first thing is the songs. - What songs?

- Haendel, as we decided. - We didn't decide anything.

What? We spent Friday listening to sacred music.

- Yes, but we said no music. - What do you mean, no music?

We decided on no music.

On the contrary, we went for it.

I don't want any music.

Albert, don't do this to me, okay? And much less here.

I've forgiven you for yesterday.

You said it was okay and now you forgive me?

I had to talk to my parents. They don't understand the guitar course.

- Well, it's easy to understand. - They don't.

That's not normal, and I don't get it either.

What's not normal, playing the guitar, the retards, or the pack?

- It was just a comment. - Mine too. What's the problem?

- There's no problem for playing. - Then it's the retards.

- No. What's with you? - I'm just playing with retards...

I said there's no problem for playing.

- That's not what you said. - I'm saying it now, okay?

When you took that night course, I didn't say a word.

- Why bring that up now? - Why?

Because your friends seemed like fuckin' retards!

Listen, Helena, this isn't working out. Shit!

We can't stop arguing and I think...

I'm sorry, forgive me.

What's wrong, Albert?

- You've been weird for days. - No, I'm not weird.

Let's talk to the priest, and get Haendel's music.

I don't care about the music.

- Are you sure it's nothing? - No, it's nothing. Just that...

Just that I love you.

What a perfect couple!

Shall we rehearse?

Okay. With rhythm,

self-assurance, feeling and tenderness.

Or whichever way it turns out. This works as well.

This needs no rehearsing. It comes natural.

“Just that I love you.“ What an asshole!

I knew arguing wouldn't work.

I don't like it and am bad at it.

When I argue I remember my parents.

Mom and dad were arguing all the time.

They argued over my brother, and he then argued with them.

Grandma defended him and argued with them for arguing about him.

Then dad argued with mom over grandma.

When they yelled, I'd wear headphones and listen to music.

I'd turn it up very high,

and something magical happened.

The music silenced the arguments.

The chords surpassed the yelling, and the arpeggios, the screams.

And I'd fall asleep with the music at full blast.

Shit, I forgot the guitar again! I'll make a note of it.

Marcos, can I keep these?

- No. - Half for me and half for Eric?

- Who? - Eric.

Pol the beggar. Don't lend him anything.

Let me see.

- What's it say? - Don't lend him anything.

Albert stinks. Keep away

Javier, teacher. Andres, smart

- How cool! Lend it to me. - No, no. It's my notebook.

I like that route. My brother wanted to go there.

- I'll lend it to you. - Okay.

What about Eric? He'd give it back.

- No. - Is that Eric?

Yes.

Eric looks sad today.

His ears are drooping. And I'm sadder too.

Today you stink less than yesterday.

Thanks.

I've been thinking about the poster joke, and laughed a lot.

- About what? - Making believe you got mad.

- That was very good! - I've brought something to eat.

- For us! - That's not necessary.

We're waiting for a pupil, but no, thanks.

- So, please take it away. - Sure. Can I stay and listen?

I'm sorry, but you can't.

- Can we talk a moment? - Of course.

- Marcos is special. - They all are.

He didn't want to come to guitar lessons. He wanted...

- Did he tell you? - To dance, yes he did.

- His brother dances. - Why not take dance lessons?

Because if he's told to dance, he won't do it.

He's never danced. He hasn't talked much, has he?

Just enough. Words aren't that important. They're overvalued.

Oh, my lost pupil! I-“'5 go, guys!

Sorry I'm late. Dad got home late, we ate late and badly.

Then I ran, but couldn't get here on time.

Then I couldn't find the number. It's too small.

- Sorry I'm late. - That's okay. Sit down.

- Sorry I'm late. - Okay, sit down.

- I can't. - What?

I can't, Stinky is in my place.

- Come on, Andres. - I can't, Javier.

Okay. Albert, would you mind?

Thanks, thanks.

- Okay, today we'll learn a chord. - He's in my place.

- What? - That was my place the other day.

- I think so too. - You came and sat here.

- Right, guys? - No, we're not in order.

No one was there before. But Stinky is there now.

Yes, Pol was here before.

You see?

Albert, would you mind?

Well, now that we're sitting like the other day...

You 2 are not like the other day. You've changed places.

Yeah, let's change. You go here!

I'm not sure. I didn't sleep well.

So I confuse everything Mom and dad,

up and down, left and right everything.

- Yeah! Okay, can we start now?

- Yeah. - Okay.

We'll learn to play a chord.

Listen. A chord comprises pressing different strings

with different fingers on different frets.

- You understand? - Different strings and frets.

- That's what I said. - On different days?

That's a good one!

It'll have to be on the same day. We'll learn the G chord.

For a G chord, we must press

string 5 of fret 2 with finger 1.

String 6 of fret 3 with finger 2

and on the same fret, string 1 with finger 3.

Okay. It sounds like this.

Okay, now you try it. Let's see, Andres.

Stinky is looking at me.

Don't look at him, please. Go on, Andres.

Go on, you had it.

He's making believe he's not looking, but wants to.

Don't make believe you're not looking.

Very good, the first time! Carol, it's your turn.

Stinky isn't looking at me, and I want him to.

There.

Very good!

Now it's Albert's turn, and then Pol's.

- No, the finger... - I can do it, okay?

Don't worry. The first time is never right. Try again.

- I'll be right back. - Okay. Go on.

- Fuck! - He said "fuck"!

Why did you say "fuck"?

Shit!

Albert, don't worry You'll get it.

Yeah, this course if for special people.

Not getting it the first time is normal.

You're very special.

You're the most special in class.

I'm the most special amongst my cousins, and I've got 12 or 10.

It's okay. I'm the most special at physiotherapy.

You'll get it. Come on, mate!

I'm more special than my brother.

Do you want to meet him?

David!

- Hi! - How are you?

Fine, just playing ball a while, or the ball with me.

- Where's Albert? He's not home - Taking guitar lessons, I guess.

- Yeah, of course. - Really weird, huh?

I'm about to learn to play the harmonica with the deaf or blind.

I wanted to ask you. Ls anything wrong with Albert?

- Wrong? - He acted strange at church.

Very strange. We argued over Haendel.

- Really? - Yeah.

How odd. No, he looks fine to me.

- Yeah? - Yeah, as always.

Pleased, happy, fine.

- Are you sure? - Yeah.

- Nothing's wrong with him? - No. Give it back.

If you tell me what's wrong, I may.

Nothing. I've never lied to you.

Well, I'll have to believe you.

If I do this, does it tickle?

Sure, I get hard fast. Look.

I'll have to be careful then.

Is your girlfriend coming to the wedding?

- Who? - Your date.

No, it didn't toot, so I left her stranded.

- It didn't toot? - No, I left her stranded.

- Maybe you needed more time. - No, she was "insubstantial".

Okay, I have to go. Don't say anything to Albert. I'll call him

- Sure, don't worry. - Thanks.

- Helena! - What?

I... I love you.

You're so silly.

Yeah.

But it isn't easy.

Bye, Albert - Bye.

See you tomorrow.

Ekaitz, remember to bring your...

I'll bring it.

- Let's go, Marcos! - Bye to both of you!

- Bye. - Bye.

Wait, a kiss.

Helena.

Helena!

Turn around, I'll give you a hug.

- They thought you're a retard? - Not a retard. Very retarded.

- Them and the twins. - Fuck!

In class, Carol would say: "He said fuck", and they'd ask why.

- Incredible. - I'm dropping the course.

- Why? It's entertaining - I'm out of place.

- Cause you can't play a G chord? - No, it's not that.

How can they make it, and you can't? Because it's not easy.

Because they're smart, much more than they seem

- Answer it. It could be important - Yeah, I know.

- I don't know what to do. - Tell her you fucked someone else.

Tell her you fucked a girl you met, and it'll roll in:

The breaking-off, arguments, wedding cancellation...

- That won't work. - Girls have left me for others.

I can't tell her that if it's not true.

Get a girl and a hickey. You need proof.

- I don't want someone else. - Hell, you want it all!

Soon you'll be separated or divorced. That's more expensive

and you won't have my wise advice.

Okay, but just a hickey.

That doesn't work. A girl won't do it just like that. It's passion.

So, then?

Well, if you like...

only if you like, I could do it.

- And the passion? - The passion of our friendship.

Hold it. I don't want you to give me a hickey.

Okay.

Okay, a small one.

Whatever size you want. I'm the king.

Small, large, in the shape of a rhinoceros, slanted, whatever.

- Go on. - Okay.

Well?

- It's... - It's what?

It's okay, but looks more like the bite of a rat.

Don't take a picture. It's okay.

- You seemed to rip some skin off. - That's because I get involved.

And because I do, these things happen.

- Why do I listen to you? - I just wanted to help.

I should ask the "special" guys, they're not as crazy.

Sure, believing you're one of them, they could advise you.

Maybe he knew more than just jerking off.

Maybe it was good advice to ask one of them to help me.

I had a deluxe opportunity to change,

start anew and get the help that wasn't available.

Anyway, we are who we are, and never change.

David never changed.

Do you mind me talking about jerking off?

I have a theory on jerking off I haven't explained much.

When you jerk off and have a partner,

you dedicate the end of it to her, you know?

To drain it. Everyone does that. Don't you?

Another important thing is

You're jerking off, okay? And don't have to say "stop".

But if someone else is doing it for you,

either at the beginning or the end, you say "stop"...

Little by little, people stopped coming to the bar.

They got tired of his theories.

- I had already told you? - Yeah.

How about a sandwich?

We never change.

But I was lucky, I could be me, and my special me.

That way.

Let's

Hey, guys, wait a moment.

I want to ask you something.

- About the horsefly that bit you? - No, not about the fly.

It's about me. You see...

- I have personal problems and... - What's a personal problem?

- His brother has died. - Really?

When my brother died, dad couldn't go to work for a personal problem.

He was run over by a car, but I won't be run over because

I know all traffic regulations from hereto here.

- Has your brother died? - Was he little?

- No, Carol, he hasn't died. - The horsefly?

- What happened? - The horsefly.

Well, you see,

my fiance and I...

- You're engaged? - What's her name?

- Is she pretty? - With braids?

I had a girlfriend, but she was a pain and

never stopped talking. I didn't love her.

But you love her a lot, don't you?

You love her normal? Yeah, normal.

- You love her a little bit? - A little bit.

Neither a lot nor a bit.

I simply don't love her.

Our relationship doesn't work out.

It doesn't toot.

- It doesn't toot at all. - Not at all.

- I don't know how to tell her. - Tell her what?

Yeah, what?

That I don't love her.

What would you do?

I have an idea.

- Can I tell you? - Yeah.

Come closer.

You too.

I think it's best to play dumb.

Yes, that's a good idea. You play dumb and say:

"Listen, I don't love you at all."

- Go on. - Say it.

- Hi. - Hi.

How'd the course go? I'm not judging, don't get upset.

I just need a bit of your time.

8 new guests are coming and we must decide where to seat them.

Look what I got at the restaurant.

I think that, if we're here,

we could seat them next to your cousins,

more or less around here.

I too have something important to tell you.

Sure, go on.

Pay close attention, I'll say it just once.

- What's wrong? - Nothing.

Nothing? Are you okay?

Listen,

I don't love you at all, or almost at all.

At all or almost at all.

I get it.

We're too busy with the wedding.

Look,

it doesn't surprise me you don't love me at all, or almost at all.

You know what, Albert?

I don't love you at all, or almost at all, either.

At all or almost at all.

At all or almost at all.

The worst wasn't her not believing me,

or not taking me seriously.

The worst was that that was one of my best screws,

maybe because I thought my brother was doing it.

Then

I realized all that was senseless, and decided to drop it.

Hi.

Hi.

- I want to tell you something. - You're quitting the course.

- I think it's best. - They'll miss you a lot.

Yeah, but, the guitar isn't my thing.

- I know. - Can I ask you something?

Sure.

Why do you teach this course, for them?

- For them? - For them, because they're...

special. - Yeah, special.

We're all special.

Andres concentrates more than the others, Carol is more emotional.

- And Ekaitz is more... - Forgetful?

We could say so. Marcos is playful, Pol wants everything.

- Yeah, everything - Everything!

And we're not that different.

I live with a dwarf dog. That's not quite normal

- Then it's not for them? - Of course it's for them.

For what they give me, and also for my father.

He spent his life giving them lessons.

- I used to played with them here. - Really?

Do you know what he used to say?

That they gave a meaning to his life.

But before that, he taught many people, and said the majority

didn't have a musical ear,

and if that's a handicap, most are handicapped.

Also that some people couldn't love, and that is very serious.

- But only the usual 2 count. - What a bitch.

He said "bitch"!

- The first time I make you laugh. - That's true.

I'd be special in another world.

Sure, and maybe in this one.

Your father must be brilliant.

Yes, he was.

He died, but doing what he liked, giving guitar lessons.

What did he die of?

He had a heart attack and died

I couldn't even say goodbye.

That was a real bitch.

- I'm sorry. - No, that was over 20 years ago.

Yes, Javier, but...

your father...

- I mean your father and me... - I'm okay. Go on.

Good luck with your wedding. Here, my present.

- A dwarf guitar? - Well, it's my world

Thanks.

I felt bad.

I had the key to his world, his life, and said nothing.

I was with his father when he died, what he'd always wanted.

I remembered my childhood, the only peaceful thing

that never failed.

I remembered when mom punished me on the fridge

and I turned that into a private deserted island.

But that didn't calm me down.

I remember when she took me to the ophthalmologist

because I couldn't see license plates.

N.

R.

And we discovered she couldn't see well.

But that didn't make me happy either.

Only one person could make me forget all that.

- David, always David. - Come.

That was his good point, he always came,

but hardly ever understood me.

Let's see if I get it. You killed his father?

No. No, I didn't kill him.

- No? - Well, I did, but I didn't.

I've been thinking.

Had you continued your lessons, would you have killed the son too?

Forget it!

You may have the power to kill teachers by just thinking about it.

Very funny! I'll close shop and we'll go home, okay?

- Listen, I'm serious. - I'll be right back.

- Hi. - Hi.

Hi. What do you want?

We're looking for the stinky guy. Does he work here?

- Stinky, with a guitar? - Without, cause this one's his.

That's true!

Right. Is that a private joke?

- You're the re... guitar pupils. - Yeah.

The stinky guy's at the pool library.

Where? What?

Yeah, I don't get it either.

Albert, come on out, you've got

special company.

I said special, but not weird. Special like in...

surprise.

He's taking a long time.

- You want something to drink? - No.

Grandma says to not accept things from strangers.

And you're a strange.

- I can accept after 3 offers. - That's nice.

- A drink? - No.

- I don't know. A drink? - No.

I've made 3 offers.

I'm not thirsty.

- Why do you have a weird leg? - How direct!

It's not a weird leg, it's like a detachable leg.

- You're detachable! - You're detachable!

Hi, guys! - Albert!

- How nice. - Didn't Javier tell you...?

Yes, you've dropped the course.

That you won't be back.

But you forgot your guitar, man.

We brought it, but when I forget mine, no one brings it to me.

Thanks, Ekaitz, but I didn't forget it.

Let's say I abandoned it.

- But I got this one! - How lucky!

- It's very small. - Oh, it's late, very late!

Carol, can I drive you?

Yes, but fast! I really have to go!

- You can't go with a stranger. - He's not strange, but you are.

- You're strange and detachable. - Your leg is.

- Can I drive the rest? - No. Thank you.

You could come back to the course and drop your fiance.

She doesn't understand you. There are many girls.

I'm starting to like these kids

Yeah? Then keep them company.

- Shit, what a bitch! - Just for a while.

- Okay, but don't be long. - I won't. See you later!

Hurry, it's very late!

Well, here we are.

- Do you want to swim? - No.

Okay, 3 times.

- Do you want to swim? - No.

- Well, do you want to swim? - Yes!

You drive very, very well.

Yeah? Thanks.

- I'd like to know how to drive. - Really?

- A lot. - I'll teach you someday.

- Really? - Yeah.

Okay.

- It's right over there. - Okay.

Thanks for driving me. The bus is always packed.

And it must be lousy to travel standing.

- People always let me sit. - Shit, what luck!

Yeah.

There!

That's my house.

How quiet, huh?

Do you have a picture of your fiance? I'd like to see her.

- Yes. - Come on!

Look.

- She's very pretty, and a redhead. - She is.

- She still doesn't know? - No.

- I'd like to have a fiance. - Really?

To kiss me whenever I ask him to.

Yes, yes.

I'm sure you'll meet a guy you like.

Listen,

I already have.

At the guitar course.

Can you imagine who he is?

I have to go! It's late, very late!

- Listen, Carol... - It's late, late, late.

Wait, we have to talk about this.

We've been swimming!

Ekaitz is drowning!

- You like the water. - Yeah.

- But you have to go home soon. - No!

Hey, detachable, how did you detach your leg?

Normally, people never ask that.

- Why? - Why not?

I don't know, but when I wear shorts, people make believe

they don't see it, but 2 seconds later they're looking at it.

So I turn around and catch them!

How smart!

Detachable, how did you detach it?

You don't miss a trick. You're a wise rat.

A rat!

In a car accident.

- My brother died in a car. - Yeah, his brother died

in a car accident, and he knows all about cars,

traffic signs, backgrounds, mouthpieces.

- Albert gave me one - Really?

- Yeah. - It was mine.

Now it's mine.

Would you like to have 2 legs?

Of course...

I'd like to stop doing this gesture, but I can't.

I'd like to dance, but can't.

That's much easier. Why don't you dance a while?

- They don't let me. - He can't at guitar lessons!

He can't dance at guitar lessons. It's totally forbidden.

There are no lessons now, so he could dance.

- Let him dance! - Yeah, dance!

There are no guitar lessons now, so he can dance.

If you dance, I'll join you later.

If you do, I'll give you another leg.

That's a good deal.

- Go on. - Yeah, go on!

Look, just like a croquette.

I want to dance with my brother!

Now I have danced!

This guy is tireless, untiring!

- I want to dance with my brother! - Your brother's a dancer?

- They're exactly alike. - Not alike.

He's more agile. But he was clumsy as a kid.

Mom said he took his time to come out, and I almost didn't.

Go dance with him, and thanks for the leg.

Yeah, I liked it.

- Thanks for the leg! - Thanks for the leg.

- Bye, Marcos. - Bye, Marcos.

With your permission.

- Can he get back alone? - Sure, can't you go home alone?

- Yeah, sure. - Me too.

Why do you hide your hand?

It gives that movement a pedigree.

I'd like that. But look what I can do with my stump.

- Amusing, huh? - Yeah, but my hand isn't.

- I can't play the guitar. - He always forgets it.

He always forgets it.

No, I just never bring it.

I can't play with such a weird hand, ever.

You can, keep on trying.

I'd love to have that hand movement.

It would be great for jerking off.

You jerk off?

Everyone does, and many times.

- I'm sure you have today. - No, no, no!

- Don't lie, I'm sure you have. - No!

Confess it.

I jerked off today.

I already knew that.

- How'd you know? - I have a sixth sense.

I know. When I saw the blonde guy, I thought: "He's jerked off."

- And you? - How many have you done?

Well, five, for now.

- Okay, six, six. - Me, only one.

I knew that.

I didn't know you could do 6. I do half, and Eric half.

- Who is Eric? - He's here.

- He's very quiet. Hi, Eric. - Hi, Eric!

Hi!

You guys are great, perfect for the Jerk Off Club

For what?

Maybe I shouldn't tell you.

- Albert'll kill me if I do. - What?

Okay, come closer. I'll tell you.

I had to go back to the pool, David was probably hating me,

but I had to sort out the misunderstanding with Carol.

Two undesired affairs were too much.

You're still here? Weren't you going home?

I'm at home.

Sure.

Listen, Carol,

I'd like to son out that thing about the guy.

- You give up, huh? - Yes.

It's Andres.

Andres is very handsome.

Sure, Andres. He's very handsome.

A bit shy, but...

I don't think he'll ever say anything.

But maybe, if I ask him to kiss me, he'll kiss me.

- Maybe. - Yeah, maybe!

Did you think it was you?

Yes.

Will you teach me?

To do what?

To play the guitar. Will you?

- No, I can't teach. - It's easy.

Just tell me how you play the guitar.

- I pick it up and play. - And the rhythm?

It comes on its own.

I have to get back to the pool.

No, no, Albert!

I didn't get the rhythm at the beginning either,

but I thought of a kids' song that I liked a lot.

And played it. It was easier.

A kids' song?

Yeah, do you like any?

- I like "Sol Solet". - Play it.

I don't know the chords.

C...

and G. C and G, I'm sure!

Come on, C and G!

And the best of all is that the Jerk Off Club would be a place

where everyone could feel good.

- No one would judge you. Got it? - Yes.

- What a pain I'm being. - No.

- Interesting. I like it. - It's a good idea.

Me too. I've never been in a club.

Me either but, I don't know. It's kind of stupid.

No it's not. Frankly, I'd like to take pan.

Me too. I have a pedigree hand.

Yeah, detachable, let's do it!

- It's not a good idea. - Yes it is!

- Do you really want to? - Yeah!

- Okay. - Fine, what do we have to do?

It's already set up.

It's set up, just like that? Okay.

I said "okay", so it's set up.

We should do something better.

Yeah, like my pedigree hand!

We could have a good inauguration.

I've got it!

We could jerk off!

That's not a good idea.

Yeah, a special jerk-off.

My brother inaugurated a restaurant with a special meal.

So we could do a special jerk-off.

A meal is not the same as jerking off, no.

- Why? - Yeah, why?

You said you shouldn't be ashamed of jerking off.

- Yes, you said that. - Yes.

And it's true, you should never be ashamed but...

Well, okay. But as Ekaitz said,

a special jerk-off,

nothing ordinary, but something new.

- We could do a positive jerk-off. - Yeah!

A what?

You don't know what a positive jerk-off is?

You jerk off thinking of someone, and give them luck.

- What happens to them? - What? Go on.

You give them luck.

Remember when Hillary Swank won the Oscar?

- It was me. - That's impossible!

And when Halle Berry won it, that was me too.

- Okay, let's do it. - Yeah, let's do it.

Detachable, who should I dedicate it to?

To whoever you want. It's not an exact science.

Dedicate it to whoever you want.

We'll take hours to find the right person.

I know to who I'll dedicate my positive jerk-off!

- That was fast. - Me too.

Me too, and Eric too.

Well...

What about you? Do you know to who?

- No, not yet. - You don't?

Wait a minute.

Ask him.

- We haven't got all day! - Okay.

I've got it!

- Can we start then? - Yes, led by the president!

- We have to elect a president. - Yes, a president.

I want to be the president.

This has to be democratic.

- Who wants him to be president? - Me!

Me too. It's unanimous.

- The new Jerk Off Club president. - What about me?

You could be the vice-president.

That's good because, if he dies, you're the president.

And if the vice-president dies,

I'll be vice-president and president.

- That's greedy but, yes. - What is he?

You might be good at math, how about treasurer?

I could be member 25

so, if we get caught, I don't get stuffed.

- That was a joke. - I'm the president. What an honor!

- I've never been a vice-president. - Treasurer!

How intense! Let's talk about fees.

- Yeah, fees. - What fees?

Shall we start? - Yeah!

- We don't have all night. - We can count to three!

1, 2, 3. Do we start or finish on 1, 2, 3?

Do we start at 10 and advance five? Downwards or upwards?

That's it. I'm the president and I say:

To each his own!

It's not working out. I'm bad, and this guitar sounds awful.

The problem isn't the guitar, it's you.

Play it. Close your eyes and play it.

Sing, close your eyes and play it.

Your eyes...

Close your eyes and tell her.

Tell her. Close your eyes and tell her.

That's the simplest and most complicated advice of my life.

Closing my eyes is easy, saying it is difficult.

But some nights you feel up to anything.

Marcos?

- I want to dance with you. - You really want to dance?

Yes, I want to dance with you.

Let's dance, then.

I didn't know what to do. I was very scared.

I knew that when I'd say:

"We're breaking up,

I'm leaving, let's let it ride”, everything would change.

And that scared me.

But something brought me luck,

as if someone were sending me luck.

What are you doing here? If you see my dress, we'll have bad luck.

I have to talk to you.

- Talk? - Yeah, talk. We have to talk.

Okay, get me the ladder.

Go on.

Look.

Listen...

What's wrong?

Why do you close your eyes?

I love you!

What?

I closed my eyes and realized I love you.

I love you too.

- Shall we dance? - Yes.

Do you mind if I invite some more friends?

I have to go. Today's the last guitar lesson, and I want to go.

- I have to help a friend. - Okay.

- Yeah? - Yes.

I love you!

It's incredible! I love you!

Now it's Carol's turn. Applaud, guys.

Hi, guys!

- Can I sit down? - Sure.

Now we've got Carol's and Ekaitz's songs.

It's called: "How the sun smells".

Very good!

Bravo!

Very good.

Well, now it's Ekaitz's turn.

Did you bring your guitar?

You forgot it again?

- That's okay. So now... - No!

- I want to play. - Yeah?

It's here, and I want to play because I have a pedigree arm.

He has a pedigree!

This is my guitar.

My song is called: "The night we had a meeting with

the president, vice-president, treasurer and the lame guy.

- The best night of my life." - I'm the president.

If he dies, I'll be vice as well.

But I won't die, I jotted it down

- Keep on jotting down. - Here we go.

Bravo!

Vice-president, huh?

Okay, guys, this puts an end to the course.

Can I play something too?

That's risky.

Have you prepared a song?

- I've rehearsed a bit. - Then get on stage!

Thanks, Marcos.

You're welcome.

I thought up a song on the way: "Don't ask me to kiss you

because I will."

Interesting.

Don't ask me to look at you because I will.

Don't ask me to come closer because I will.

Don't ask me to kiss you,

don't ask me to kiss you,

don't ask me to kiss you because I will.

Accompany me, Andres.

Don't ask me to look at you because I will.

Don't ask me to come closer because I will.

Don't ask me to kiss you,

don't ask me to kiss you,

don't ask me to kiss you because I will.

Kiss me!

Well, guys, the course is over now.

- I'd like to... - Fuck!

- He said "fuck"! - You said "fuck"!

I'm sorry. Go on, say it.

- I'd like to give you something. - Oh, a present!

Javier, I want to give you this.

Someone gave it to me a long time ago and

he'd have liked me giving it to you.

It may help you to tune your life up a bit more.

It helped me a lot.

Thanks.

I'd like to ask you for something.

I'd love you to come to my wedding,

to sing a song and

to be my best men and women!

We'll be best men and women!

And then I understood.

I went back to 15 and remembered those kids running at me

and realized they didn't want to hurt us.

Their faces were happy and they yelled out of joy.

They just wanted to play with us, full of dreams.

Everyone has a dream.

A friend dreamt of making it with a girl smelling of Nivea.

Another dreamt of having 3 dicks. Not 2, but 3.

Weird, huh?

I dreamt of something much simpler: Playing the guitar.

Simple, huh?

And I know why I dreamt that. Dreams come from traumas.

And when the trauma disappears, you can start to grow up.

- Which one do you want? - This one.