Original subtitles

Thank you, for giving me the morning

Thank you, for giving me my workplace

Thank you...

-Old people music or raw meat rolls. -That was good!

No, that was torture.

Thank you, for every day that's new

If you sing along, I'll drive into a tree.

What's the matter with you?

VIKTOR DELIVERS

-Oh, no, I don't believe it! -No worries, it brings good luck.

-Says who? -It's a saying.

-Don't believe it then. -I don't believe it.

-Your own fault. -Why is it my fault now?

That's how it is. Poop on jacket without faith in good luck... Shit.

Poop on jacket with faith in good luck... Maybe great.

-Great. Religion in two sentences. -Yes! Clever, isn't it?

Whoever still believes in God today is beyond help.

TODAY CLOSED. BECAUSE OF YESTERDAY.

So, today everything has to go perfectly. Okay?

Best service, best small talk. And very important,

-no criticism of the church. -Otherwise we'll go to hell?

Think about it. Who still goes to church nowadays?

Nobody? No idea.

Old people?

Old people who...

are believers!

And those who believe in God, also believe in...

extended warranties!

-God's an extended warranty? -If things break,

both are there for you.

-Yes, sure. It's says so the Bible. -What?

"Blessed are those who suffer, they'll be comforted

-"by extended warranties." -I didn't know that.

Through the priest, we reach out to the parish and then we re-equip them fully.

Awesome. A great business plan.

-Good morning, Kudinski, Vik... -Such a big loss.

Yes. My condolences, so unexpected. Yes.

Out of nowhere.

Yes. The ways of the Lord are sometimes inscrutable.

Yes. What I'd recommend to you now?

-Well, I'd directly sell a put... -Michael!

...slightly below the current price

with a delta between 0.2 and 0.4, as we'd discussed last time.

Yes, sure thing, Mr. Werosta, that's what I'm here for. God be with you.

Talk to you soon.

-My apologies. -No problem.

We have a small circle.

We meet once a week every Wednesday and help each other.

-Bible study group? -Stock exchange group.

Yeah, but you're a priest.

Yes.

And you are speculating in stocks?

Well, there are less and less churchgoers.

The church needs money.

Kidding.

For a moment I thought you were really

-speculating in stocks. -I do that, too.

-Isn't that prohibited? -Why?

Well, the parish money is paid for by the church tax.

And?

And you're speculating with it on the market?

Well, with current interest rates and inflation, it's almost my duty.

-Okay, and what if you lose it all? -Oh, please.

I don't take risks.

I have a foolproof system.

-Foolproof? -Foolproof.

With or without purgatory?

God is everywhere.

Strong faith is definitely needed for the stock market.

You see, the church is not only an expert in faith.

When it comes to finances, we are not untalented either, right?

Absolutely. The Catholic Church is

the biggest private landowner in Germany.

Are you serious?

And I pass this knowledge on to our parishioners.

As a second field, so to speak.

God and money.

With LED headlights,

electronic cutting height adjustment and multi-zone management.

Shouldn't we determine boundaries first?

That was an excellent choice. Money well invested, Father.

Money is nothing else but energy, with which one can do good or bad.

Just like God?

-God is love. -No, God is dead.

And the worship of money has taken his place.

-Says Nietzsche. -Well, yes, old Nietzsche.

Well, he is certainly dead already.

The saying goes one cannot serve both.

Well, God and mammon. Money.

Someone knows the Bible. Very nice!

-My father used to say that. -How nice.

My father is dead.

-My condolences. -No problem.

-Wasn't he at the tax office. -He was.

-Cool. -You think so?

Church and tax office, living from giving.

Maybe we should install the boundary wire, because the thing is...

There.

In my childhood I went to church every Sunday.

-Crazy. -How nice.

But you don't believe in God, do you?

-What do you mean by that? -Well, do you believe in God?

Yeah, that's not easy to answer. That is...

It is, with "no" for example.

Or with a happy "yes"?

We are not here to chat about God, but about cutting edges.

I have time.

Yeah, those who believe in eternity have a lot of time.

-Jesus proclaims paradise on earth. -And then came the church.

"Blessed be the poor in spirit, their kingdom is heaven."

-That's why priests go to heaven? -Michael!

The devil doesn't want competition.

"Yes?"

Or "no"?

That... What should I say? It's like with a curry sausage.

Yes? Sometimes you want it with skin, sometimes without.

-Yeah, maybe... a little bit with... -Skin?

God!

-No. -Yes.

God protects us.

Yes, with new orders for example.

"Who believes will receive."

God and money, it's always the same.

Michael, doesn't that thing have a remote control?

That happens without a wire.

-These are still from my predecessor. -I see.

-But aren't those Greek gods? -Yes.

Isn't there a commandment?

Yes, it says, "You shall have no other gods before me."

It's the first commandment.

What is meant here is less the being of God, but rather the aesthetics.

Of naked men?

Why? Fits the church.

Then they would be younger.

Thin ice!

-I'm sorry, but... -I thought it was funny.

-I thought it went too far. -Humor must be allowed.

Well, there are limits.

-Yes. -Not with God.

-Little refreshment? -Beer is always fine.

Do you know what I love about Jesus?

That he makes wine out of water?

That one wasn't bad.

His love and his forgiveness.

We live in a time of shitstorms.

Today it's called a shitstorm, in the past, inquisition.

And who invented that?

Since FIFA is corrupt, you can't love soccer anymore?

He's absolutely right.

The church can be accused of a lot. Rightly so. I don't doubt that.

Homosexuality is a sin, but walking on water is normal.

Well, if we don't sin, did Jesus then not die in vain?

Excuse me?

The X9000 is back in the bushes. Could you just quickly...

Please. Michael, go and get it, please.

What was that again? This is a special era

and you said something about love and...

Love and forgiveness.

Forgiveness.

All the more important these days.

It's still important, yes?

It's home-made.

Cold nettle tea. Great for detoxing of the body.

Or as I always say, "Nettle is God's way to make up for cauliflower."

Thank you.

How many members do you have in your parish?

I am responsible for just under 4,000 Catholics.

Tendency? Decreasing.

Are many leaving the church?

No. Most of them die.

Do you know if anyone in your parish needs anything?

-What do you mean? -Condoms for example.

No, they are prohibited in your club.

-Our care home's stair lift is broken. -That's great.

-Well, the whining can be quite annoying. -Sure.

-I'd be happy to recommend you. -That'd be great.

-On the condition... -Yes?

...you recommend my "Jesus To Go" course to your customers.

You're probably getting around a bit.

We're getting... getting around, yeah.

-I'm establishing my online course. -Online course?

For anyone who left the church.

It includes the Holy Finance Program with the tricks of the Vatican Bank.

Interested?

Sure, we'd happily distribute them.

-To our customers. -Great.

Wonderful. If you refer new subscribers to me,

-you'll even get a nice commission. -Really?

You can make a nice income on the side.

That sounds like a shady Ponzi scheme.

This generation today. Always so negative. You have to believe in something.

I don't believe, I trust in science and reason.

But don't you often feel alone in this?

What about it?

Well, I'm sure you have 100 friends on social media, you are constantly writing,

posting, liking and reading, no?

And still, there is this constant loneliness.

How does that fit together?

What has God always been?

A connection to ourselves.

But if God is dead something in us also died.

Then we seek through contact with others actually contact with ourselves.

In love for a partner, we actually seek love for ourselves.

And doesn't Nietzsche say that today we all live a life on the open sea?

-With all its winds and dangers! -That's where my course comes in.

If you sign up today, you'll also get my Forgiveness Workshop.

Cool. And how much does it cost?

Nothing.

-Nothing is free these days. -Yes. Problems are always for free.

-And God's love. -Amen.

That's not bad, the nettle stuff.

To me, it's about reaching as many people as possible.

If no nobody goes to church these days,

then I will go to them.

Well, I told him a thousand times, no?

What was Grandpa like?

Difficult.

So it runs in the family?

Definitely.

I have a photo of you. Well, of you and him.

I found it by accident in an old box in the basement in Munich.

You're wearing a chain with a cross on it.

It's possible that my father gave it to me back then.

It's totally fine if you believe in God.

I guess that makes a lot of things easier, especially with, well, you know...

What do you mean?

-The cancer. -That.

You're not afraid at all?

You know? Your grandpa and I...

There was a lot of bickering and fighting, you know?

All the way to the end.

And why?

Because he couldn't admit he made a mistake.

Always just made up some stories, some lies.

Lying is the worst.

Yeah.

The problem is, we could never really be open with each other.

And that's what I'm afraid of.

That there comes a point, where...

you have no more chances for things to be good again. You know?

Well, and we were never a real family, like you would imagine one, you know?

Everyone together at the table,

having dinner or making breakfast together.

I wanted that, I wanted to do it differently.

-Really? -Yes.

But...

A lot of things turned out differently.

It's often like that.

I mean, if there is a God...

why...

does life have to be so unfair sometimes?

Well, I...

I do believe that everything has meaning in life.

Even the bad things.

What do you mean?

Well, there are ups and downs in life.

You forget that at times when you are down.

In retrospect, you learn from the bad times probably the most, yeah.

Life helps you to grow and stuff.

And, yeah, even such a bad disease, I think.

No idea if there's any good about that.

Look at it this way, how is it written in the Bible?

I think, "All things are possible for one who believes."

-I thought you didn't believe in God. -I don't.

-But I'm smart. -That you are.

But this fucking life is pretty complicated sometimes.

Yeah, you're right about that.

I would have liked to meet Grandpa.

-You would've gotten along. -Yes?

Both know-it-alls and no idea about soccer.

There. We installed the charging station on the right next to the building, okay?

Finally, no more lawn mowing.

Yes. It's like Easter and Christmas in one day.

-I hate Christmas. -What?

Then they all come. These hypocritical Christmas Christians.

Coughing all the time, donating nothing, complaining there was no nativity play.

Although it's always the same damn story.

Okay.

I always thought that's your best recruiting day.

-That's still the confirmation. -Because of the gifts.

But I always get a DJ at Christmas.

-What? -Sure. It is a birthday party.

Well, I don't know about that...

At Christmas, the church should be old-fashioned

and not change anything?

-Yes. -Yes.

-I think we have to go now. -Are you already done?

-I'm afraid so. -"So do not fear,

"for I am with you, I will uphold you with my righteous hand."

Forgiveness included?

For us Catholics forgiveness comes free.

-Always? -Of course, always.

That's the beauty of us Christians.

Well. Your mowing robot just drowned in the lake.

What?

"The Lord has given, the Lord has taken."

That's not funny.

-Isn't everything God's will? -No, there is also pure stupidity.

Yeah, who can understand religion?

-You have to replace it for me. -Hang on.

-You were the one who let the robot go. -Me?

-Yes. Exactly. -That is...

But maybe we can find a solution.

A solution?

If you would sign up for an extended warranty for the device...

Then we may not have seen anything.

What? How? You didn't?

Seen what?

And you would get a brand new device.

Brand new?

But...

Isn't that...

Well, maybe we only adjust the truth to the situation.

Yeah, yeah. The church is familiar with that, no?

There. Your John Hancock right here, please.

If I signed such an extended warranty, hypothetically speaking...

You'll get the mowing robot replaced.

-Fully? -Fully.

-Just like that? -Just like that.

One must not be more Catholic than the Pope.

It says, "Only who is without sin, shall not dig a pit for others."

-I think it's, "Shall not throw rocks." -Check.

There! Thank you very much.

A lot of things are often just misunderstandings.

Sure.

And God forgives.

-That's his job. -Yes.

Is there something you'd like to get off your chest?

Me? Get off my chest? Nope.

Why?

I sense a big weight on your shoulders.

On my shoulders?

No, that's... They're wide, they can take a lot.

Who honestly repents is always forgiven.

Who honestly repents is always forgiven?

You mean really always?

No, no.

It's not as if everybody thinks I've got testicular cancer, but it was just a cyst.

What?

-Nothing. -Yes.

-No. -Yes.

Wait, you don't have cancer at all?

-Me? No. -Yes.

A few Hail Marys probably won't do it.

Hey, you've been lying to us all this time?

Micha, I didn't lie to you. You know your mother. There.

I was waiting for the test results

because of that thing there. Suddenly, she started talking about cancer. And I didn't

-really contradict her and then... -Okay!

-It's her fault? -Yes.

-You didn't deny it. -Yes. Exactly.

I wanted to tell you all the time, but...

But it didn't come up.

Sure. Yeah. It didn't come up!

No, we don't sit in a shitty delivery van all day

-and drive around! -Exactly.

-Forgiveness? Anytime? This would be... -You know what?

Shut the fuck up, you bloody liar.

Micha, please!

You did the right thing.

You... I...

Michael!

Micha!

Micha!

Wait a minute. Please. Let's talk. I'm sorry, okay?

You forgot these.

Even a trampoline has a low point.

And then it goes...

And you shoot back up.

Do you understand?

Thank you, for giving me the morning

Thank you for every day that's new

Thank you, that I can know My worries can be cast on you

Translated by Melanie Martin