Original subtitles

Drive now! Just honk, Michael!

-Then it'll be quicker? -Honking is important!

No, I don't honk.

-Hey, I'm driving, okay? -With my car. This is my horn.

Then you can drive. That's right, you're not allowed to.

-My license, my rules. -Yes, mine, mine.

It was already like that when you were little.

You just started it.

-And always quick to blame others. -Always quick to distract from yourself.

Very important: Don't ever accept anything I say or learn from me.

-What should I learn from you? Honking? -Nope. For example,

to draw attention to yourself, to point out problems

-and to assert yourself. -Just making noise about yourself.

Michael, honking is a human right.

-What? -That is...

freedom of expression.

You see? He got it. Good for him. Thank you.

Honking doesn't change the traffic jam. Fewer cars change things.

No, fewer idiots in cars stop traffic jams.

Globally speaking, driving is much more harmful than flying.

-Nonsense. No. -Yes.

-No. -Feel free to learn something from me.

Okay. Then from now on we'll deliver with a helicopter.

-At least it doesn't have a horn. -Yes.

So...

-What are you doing? -What am I doing? Expressive dancing.

What does it look like?

Are you serious?

Yes. What do you mean "Are you serious"? Do you think I'm doing this for fun?

As if anyone would steal the clunker.

This isn't a clunker. You have to be very careful in this area.

-They'll steal your pants as you walk. -I think it looks nice.

Nice? Here?

Dad, prejudices divide society.

My son, wise guys like you are dividing society.

VIKTOR DELIVERS

Well, come on. Don't shuffle your feet like that.

-Help me instead of bitching at me. -At your age, I'd carry two of them.

And one just with your big mouth.

Oh God.

Hello?

Hello?

Viktor Bringt's here, because of the deep fryer.

-I need to go to the bathroom, okay? -What? Again?

My cereal, the linseed doesn't agree with me.

Two raw ground meat rolls and a malt beer in the morning, then it works.

"You never know how much it means to you until it's gone.

Toilet paper."

Shit.

Don't move!

-I'd have paid for the beer. -Hand over the money.

-Open the cash register. -It's a misunderstanding.

-I don't work here. -Don't mess with me.

-I'm not. -Hand over the money.

Don't move!

Okay, but if I can't move now, then...

Shut up!

-Can I answer this? -No.

-Could be important. -Open the cash register.

I'll try to explain it, okay? So,

-we came this morning... -"We"?

No. I, I!

I just wanted to say... I am me. It also says "Viktor Bringt's" here.

I'm Viktor. I'll bring it all by myself.

Are you trying to annoy me? I've got a gun.

I saw, definitely. Again.

I, by myself, came with my deep fryer today.

-Deep fryer? -Yes.

Deep fryer, it's a technician thing. A personal relationship

-develops with... -What?

I come, bring, and install equipment. Sometimes I repair something,

but that's rare now.

Shut up. The money. Quick. But slowly.

Yes!

Want me to shoot you? I can shoot you. Want me to shoot you?

Absolutely not. Please don't. Once more, calm down now.

-I don't know where the money is. -Don't mess with me!

I don't work here, for God's sake. That can't be true. What's this?

Sorry.

Maybe I'll pack up my things, leave and then you can do whatever you want?

Dad, here's one for you.

"She said, 'Beer or me.'

Sometimes I miss her."

Stop being funny, you clowns.

I just went to the bathroom. Why didn't you warn me?

CLOSED

-I warned you. -Great. What do we do now?

-I have a plan. -Please no.

-Do you know the Stockholm syndrome? -Quiet!

-That's something different. -Michael,

from now on, no matter what happens, you just say "Yes."

Okay.

-What are you supposed to say? -Yes. I got it. Yes!

A question. If we were to do it like this,

he can go now and I'll stay here.

That will be enough. He won't say anything anyway.

-You won't say anything? -Yes.

-No. Sorry, of course not. -That's the problem.

-The boy is a bit childish. -What are you talking about?

-I am 24 years old. -24 today is like 17 back then.

What?

-Yes, it's true. At 24 I was like 30. -And now you are basically 60?

No, because it changes. Well...

50 is 49. So, if you do the math...

-That makes no sense. -Yes, it does.

No, it doesn't, but Dad rarely cares about sense.

-He is your dad? -Yes.

-Hmm. -Yes, "hmm." I heard that. Thanks.

Didn't you want to empty the cash register?

Don't tell me what to do!

-Aggressive guy, your dad. -Welcome to my world.

Open the cash register.

-Open the cash register. -Yes.

Yes, I would like to. Really. But I don't work here.

I've been trying to explain that to her for hours.

Very successfully.

And I'm being aggressive? He criticizes me about raw ground meat rolls...

Here we go again.

I've told you to take care of yourself. There is only garbage in those rolls.

-Do you like them? -With onions?

-Of course! -Sure!

There!

-I always say, you are what you eat. -Leek!

-Raw pork hedgehog! -Quiet!

-Hey, how about... -If you don't shut up...

Hello.

Didn't you read that sign out there. It's actually closed today.

I'll tell you. This weather, yes?

The air pressure. Do you understand?

So whenever the air pressure is like that,

then I can feel my big toe. And when I feel my big toe,

then I feel my knee,

then my hip. Can you feel your hip, too?

Yes, I'm telling you. You know...

I don't have to wear a mask anymore. Dr. Obermann confirmed that,

it's because of my heart, you know.

I have to take eight pills a day. Eight of them.

Every day. Yes.

-Yes. -Okay.

And now I'd like some liqueur.

If you want... you get liqueur.

What would you like? Here we have a pine liquor

made of pine cones.

Very digestible, nice and soft.

-I want to drink it, not rub it in. -It's a good one.

I want some cherry liqueur.

-Cherry liqueur. I have honey, too. -She wants a cherry liqueur.

Then she'll get some cherry liqueur.

Pretty full, yes.

Yes, yes. Cheers.

So, now I want to or have I...

Now I don't know...

Did I take my pills against forgetfulness or not?

Maybe you shouldn't drink alcohol with them?

A fox got to do what a fox got to do.

-What was I looking for now? -Your wallet?

Oh yes, right.

I have to also visit my father later.

Your father?

Yes, but he's difficult. I'm telling you, my goodness, is he difficult.

He's a know-it-all and he treats me like a little child.

-I know someone like that. -Me too.

The Eskimos, they take their old ones and put them on an ice floe and off they go...

-Smart, isn't it? -Today, we say "Inuit."

-You're such a Brainy Smurf, aren't you? -Welcome to my world.

The E-word means raw meat eater and that's pretty discriminatory.

It's not really true like that, Michael, I read about that.

-You? Read? -Yes, I read, imagine that.

-The soccer newspaper? -That too.

That was in the doctor's waiting room. There was a magazine.

I read that Eskimo isn't what he just said, it means snowshoe braider.

-Snowshoe braider? -Snowshoe raider?

Snowshoe braider.

Snowshoe braider?

At least you've learned something, Brainy Smurf.

-Who are they? -Father and son.

-Father. -Son.

Could you pour some now?

I had... You just had...

-Are you bullshitting me? -No.

Fill it up nicely, yes?

Good...

At this time of day?

Yes.

-I don't know what I was looking for. -Your wallet.

Yes, then I just have to find it.

-You know what, I'll pay. -No.

-Yes. -That's nice.

There are still young people who show respect for their elders.

Do you have 20 euros for a taxi?

You know, my hip, when the air pressure is like this, I can't walk so well.

-I only got ten. -I'll take that, too.

-You have some, too? -I have a fiver.

I'll take it.

-And you? -Yes, what, Michael?

Wow, that's nice.

-Well then. Have a nice day now. -Yes, yes...

-She totally conned us. -Maybe she got it and calls the police.

If she hasn't already forgotten.

TODAY CLOSED FOR REAL!!!

No chance.

Thing doesn't open.

Bars in Germany are now being robbed in broad daylight.

-Berlin is not Germany, Michael. -Nope.

-We're always a little ahead. -Ahead?

Here you can see early on what won't work in the future.

-Women are now robbing bars. -Don't you like women?

-Me? -Women can also rob bars.

-Yes, theoretically but... -No but! That's totally sexist!

No, that's not sexist, that's statistical.

Statistically speaking, there are about six bullets left in here.

We can try it together, or is a gun not for a woman either?

-That doesn't help. -Help him!

-Sorry. -What's the point of that?

As if it'd help, seriously. I tried already, he can't do it either.

-Try it, open this thing up. -What do you mean?

-Okay, it won't open. -There.

Hey, guys, there's a key.

I know there's a key, but it won't move.

I can drill it open. Should I drill it open? No problem.

-Have you got the drill? -Me?

-Yes, you, Michael. -We're delivering a deep fryer,

-why do we need a drill? -Good technicians

always have one with them.

Because we're drilling cash registers during robberies?

-There is no drilling! -I'll pry it open then.

-Get the pointed screwdriver. -Seriously?

Get a flat tip screwdriver, Michael. I want to go home.

-You're committing a crime. -I don't give a damn.

Now go and get the thing.

-What are you doing? -I'm getting it!

-It's really hard to help you. Really. -What are you doing?

-Opening it! -You'll break...

-It's jammed. -It's not jammed.

-May I? Thank you. -With pleasure.

Yes, like this it's easy.

-What can you actually do? -Run!

Mika! Michael!

Want me to shoot you?

No!

What was that about? Are you completely stupid?

-Are you okay? -And you?

Yes. Would you have really just let yourself be shot for me?

Of course.

Crazy.

Hello.

Doesn't anyone read the fucking sign?

I just want to look if my pants are here.

I could swear I forgot them here yesterday.

Did you happen to see some khaki pants?

No.

Khaki. What is that? Is it brown or what?

No, more like yellow.

-No, khaki is more like olive green. -No, it's...

Are you serious now?

There's some kind of "lost and found" back there.

True.

Yes, then please. Let's go.

Curious...

What have we got there? I've been looking for it for ages.

The good old khaki pants.

-Are masks compulsory again? -Sick.

I see.

Well, say hello to your father for me.

See you later, alligator.

-You pay your debts. -With what?

What?

Father?

Yes, my father owns the pub, okay?

Yes...

Sorry, okay?

What are you looking at? Stockholm syndrome?

You are robbing your father's pub?

No, not at all. How was I to know I'd meet two geniuses.

You seem to hate your father quite a bit.

As if.

It's good, right?

My esophagus.

This is normal, it will pass soon.

But why?

-It's a bit complicated. -Well, fathers.

Fathers only want the best for you.

No, but what you think is best for us.

Yes, absolutely.

-That's not true. -Yes, it's true.

I once read that children argue so much with their fathers

because they need someone to rub against.

Who disagrees with them.

And they can find themselves by setting boundaries.

What? Disagreeing. Boundaries. No idea. And what about the mothers?

They argue differently.

-My father is such a stubborn person. -Mine too.

I'm not. I am sure of my opinions.

My father was robbed three times in the last six months. Three times!

-That's why you're robbing him? -Yes.

But it's the fathers' fault?

I talked to him like crazy.

"But Joy, people love my pub.

They need places where they can forget the madness out there.

Everything is still good here." Let me tell you, nothing is good.

So I made a deal with him.

If the pub is robbed again this month, it's over. Then he sells it.

-Okay, and he agreed to that? -Sure. He always thinks he knows better.

Thursdays, I take over for two hours and I knew the deep fryer would be delivered.

Well, I can't really rob myself, right?

"It was so terrible, Officer.

-"I hid in the bathroom. -What's happening?

"And then the robber forced the two technicians

"to open the cash register.

-"I was afraid he would find me... -Calm down.

-"Do something to me." -Everything's okay.

Respect. You're really very good.

I knew immediately.

And this?

-That's a gun that shoots blanks. -A blanks gun?

I want to act, but my father thinks I should study first.

And that's right.

No, not at all.

I think a real degree is totally overrated.

-What? I thought you liked studying. -I don't know.

I thought I knew what I wanted, but since I've come to Berlin

-I don't know. -It's Berlin.

If you don't enjoy college anymore, then you could join me...

Hands up!

Don't move.

-What? They are not real, right? -Drop the gun!

Gun on the floor!

That's a misunderstanding. Ouch.

Headquarters, we have the suspected perpetrator.

Just because I'm a man, right? That's sexist, Michael.

No, that's statistical.

Hey guys, he's not the perpetrator.

-And who are you? -His son.

-What a shitty day. -You can say that again.

-We have an accomplice. -I'm not his accomplice.

-Why aren't you an accomplice now? -They are no criminals.

And you are?

The daughter!

-Of the owner. -Nobody plans to rob anyone here.

We need reinforcements, the situation is confusing here.

-"Situation is confusing"? -It makes no sense.

So pissed off again. Because you're not listening properly.

I did listen properly. But the old lady was totally confused.

-You are confused. -I'm not confused. I'm hungry.

-Again? -Fries?

-No. -Yes.

Hey, thanks for not saying anything about...

You know.

Of course.

The fries are really delicious.

But maybe it would be cool if you offered sweet potato fries?

They're delicious also. And it's just a bit healthier.

It's not easy for you having a son like this.

I like my Brainy Smurf.

What I wanted to say about your father,

I understand that you're worried and that you want to protect him and everything.

But if he feels comfortable here and is happy...

then...

Yes.

I just thought...

And by the way, what I said earlier, the offer stands.

You can start with me at any time.

Yes, that would be great.

You with all your knowledge and I with my...

practical, real knowledge. That together.

We would make a great team. Not even Ronja the Robber's Daughter could stop us.

Yes, but...

No. Well, that doesn't really suit me.

Okay.

I just thought.

No problem.

If you ate a little healthier, then you'd have more energy.

Yes, woulda, coulda, shoulda.

Listen...

We shouldn't think all hairdressers are women.

Why do we think they want appliances?

Isn't that sexist? To make that assumption?

-You know... -Because it's for the kitchen...

And that's why it's sexist...

See, I'm right.

-Yes. -No deep fryer.

-Worth investigating. -No deep fryer.

-It... -No deep fryer.

I like how you think.

...IN THE MEANTIME IN BERLIN-LANKWITZ

Hello. How can I help?

I want to open the refrigerator.

Confucius says, "Often what you seek is already within you."

Pardon?

The refrigerator opening times are from 11:00 a.m. to 12:30 p.m.

and 5:00 p.m. to 7:00 p.m.

Intermittent fasting active.

-I need oat milk. -Oat milk status: available.

I need oat milk for my coffee.

Oat milk status: available.

The refrigerator opening times are from 11:00 a.m. to 12:30 p.m.

-and 5:00 p.m. to 7:00 p.m. -For real?

Intermittent fasting active.

Translated by Melanie Martin