Original subtitles

In Germany, it's compulsory to drive on the right. If you drive along with 40,

-then move over. -I know, but there is a truck.

-Now... careful, it's a BMW! -Oh, my God.

-I know! -You scared me to death!

If you didn't interrupt me all the time...

-You have reached your destination. -Park here.

-This clunker is not an e-car. -Yes.

-No. -Michael, yes. Park here.

Okay.

Hello? We will be towed here.

Hybrid.

VIKTOR DELIVERS

-First delivery. -And?

Are you excited?

-Yes, totally. -You don't have to be.

Just stick to your old man. Watch and learn.

What did I teach you?

Don't eat yellow snow.

Shoes, small talk, extended warranty.

That. We won't leave without an extended warranty, Michael.

Don't call me that, please.

-But that is your name. -Yes, but everyone calls me Mika.

What do they say? Mika?

Yes, Mi-ka.

-No. -Yes.

-No. -Yes.

That doesn't suit you. I don't mind Mike, I think that's good.

Or Mickey or something, but definitely not Mika.

-You decide that? -Michael!

Your mom and I didn't just randomly choose the name.

It's the name of probably the greatest racing driver of all time.

And it's not Mika Häkkinen, but...

Michael Schumacher.

-It's Michael Schumacher, man. -Don't know him.

-Yes? -"Viktor Bringt's" here because of the TV.

-Top floor. -They'll have an elevator for sure.

Great elevator...

You really don't know Michael Schumacher?

ELEVATOR OUT OF ORDER

Michael Schumacher is the greatest Formula One driver of all time.

He was world champion seven times. No one ever achieved that before him.

-And do you know his son's name? -Michael Ballack?

Mick Schumacher.

Mick! That's a very nice name.

Good day. Are you coming?

Sixty-seven minutes late.

Yes, Berlin traffic, you understand?

No, sadly I don't understand.

"My apologies," I would have understood that.

Always insisting for others to understand. I don't want to understand that.

Do you understand?

Yes.

-Please remove your shoes. -That's not possible.

As per the Working Conditions Act,

we are obliged to wear work shoes, and that's not socks.

Do you understand?

Well, it's quite spacious here.

Used to be three apartments. Walls and ceilings came out.

-I just need air. -You could fit a soccer field in here.

-Including the grandstands. -Excuse me?

So much about the housing shortage. Twenty students could live here.

-Shoes, small talk, extended warranty. -Sorry.

Yes...

If it's no trouble, could I please have a glass of water?

With or without?

-With without. -Excuse me?

Without.

Rose quartz or amethyst?

Rose quartz.

And for you?

-Thank you. I don't drink on duty. -You should.

Our body consists of 85% water. And a lack of water

causes a lack of focus. A lack of focus causes mistakes.

I don't want you to make mistakes here. Do you want that?

I don't make mistakes, I'm a professional.

Water always gives me a rumbling tummy. I don't like water.

Nonsense.

That's a lot of books. Have you read them all?

No. A room without books is like a painting without color.

I see. It's a bit like my buddy Thorsten and his Alfa, right?

-Pardon? -He owns an old 156.

He's had the brake pads painted red,

even though it only has 120 HP.

It just looks cool.

Sick. Is that an original Brockhaus?

Oh, God.

Please put it back now. That's a first edition.

-1796. -Sorry.

-1796? -Unbelievable, right?

-Then it's no longer current. -Well please, current...

Currentness is a synonym for the cluelessness

of an overstimulated society, which tries

to distract itself from its own insignificance

with the consumption of trifles.

Sure. Sorry, I lost you somewhere around "overstimulated."

I'm practical. I think with my hands.

That's what the Neanderthals did, they died out.

They weren't so skillful. You have to be a skillful in life.

-Stop! Don't touch. -Sorry.

I would have had the coolest cave back then.

Except the Stone Age didn't end because the stones ran out.

No, it was because humans evolved into thinkers.

Yes. Thinking is a bit like swinging.

You're moving the whole time, but you don't make progress.

Speaking of progress, I can't wait all day for you to finish.

And you see, that's the difference.

Thinkers wait, practical persons do.

Hello?

Unpack the drill, please.

Bring in position, drill, vacuum, I'd say.

Rocket science, huh?

Exactly. Well, turn that thing on, Michael.

I told you to not call me that.

-Here we go again. -Yes, it's two syllables. Mika.

My son is not called Mika.

I'm sorry, but I...

Until now having a son wasn't important to you.

You went to Munich, not me!

What? I was four.

-Exactly. -Yes, you left us.

That was more complicated.

Your family history

is very interesting, but could you start drilling now?

-Yes. -Sorry.

I am not named after someone

-who drives loudly in circles. -There is more to Formula One.

Yes, a blatant polluter.

They invented ABS which saves lives every day.

Mom would never have allowed me to be named after some racing driver.

Your mother is a dreamer.

In the world, there are dreamers and there are doers.

Like Michael Schu... macher. And now you do something.

-Do you have children? -No, of course not.

You have done it right.

Are you serious?

I didn't mean it like that. Hello? We still have a big hole to drill here, dude.

"We still have a big hole to drill here, dude."

It's his first day today.

Sometimes he's a little sensitive. I have to briefly go.

It was the same when he was two.

Children are a cross to bear.

Michael!

Is he taking a break now? He's not taking a break now.

Well, you have a really beautiful view. Wow.

Sometimes I stand here and think, "Yes, life is good after all."

You think a lot, right?

You think very little, right?

-I feel good. -That's the problem.

Humans think they're thinking, but they're only feeling.

-I don't believe that. -Belief has nothing to do with thinking.

-Your life is pretty stressful, huh? -Tell me about it.

We haven't seen each other for years and...

I think he's sweet.

-Sweet? -Yes.

Sweetly toned.

Yes, only 20-year-olds can be so toned.

Well, but people in their early 40s can also be toned

and extremely experienced.

Well, not unreasonably experienced, more like

respectfully experienced.

Early 40s?

Do you want some weed?

I always hid it here from my husband.

Ex-husband.

I wouldn't have thought that of you.

Husband or weed?

The weed here.

No way.

-Won't you be able to drill holes then? -I can always drill.

I can drill the most beautiful holes for you. Works of art.

-You can be sure of that. -Nothing is sure.

Sure, but that is.

What is it that you do actually?

-I am sitting here smoking weed. -That's clear. I meant professionally.

I am a neuroscientist.

Brain research. I'm a brain researcher.

-You don't say. -Yes.

Interesting. Is it true that we only use 10% of our brains?

No. For most people, the brain shuts down when they talk.

Yes.

-Old neuroscientist joke. -Ah, that one.

Sure, very funny.

Humor is connected to intelligence.

-You are exhausting, aren't you? -No.

Communication is exhausting because it doesn't work.

-What? -You see?

-No. -That it doesn't work.

-I don't understand. -Now you understood.

You see, every brain is a closed system.

I talk about a chair, you think about a chair, I think about a chair.

The chair in your mind looks completely different from the one in my mind.

My chair has four legs, doesn't yours?

Your chair is probably an ordinary kitchen chair.

Mine is a Thonet 16,

beech wood, with a beautiful patina due to its age.

We're both talking about a chair and think that we agree.

But that's not true.

Understanding is a misunderstanding that isn't obvious.

Then my whole marriage was a misunderstanding.

-You are separated? -Yes, you could say that.

You know, some things don't fit together, right?

It's like a Torx bit on a Phillips screw.

-Beuys next to Warhol? -Or like that.

Listen...

Have you ever thought about a extended warranty?

What kind of party is this?

-Can I have a drag? -Are you nuts?

Just kidding.

That won't work.

-It's botched. -Botched.

Question.

Should the TV really be on this wall?

-Do you see a TV stand around here? -No.

Exactly, because they're ugly. And now drill, please.

The wall is botched.

The wall cost a fortune.

It doesn't change anything. It's botched. It's soft like butter.

The TV goes on the wall. End of discussion.

Do you even need a TV?

-You can watch everything online... -Of course Dr. Benning needs a new TV.

-With an extended warranty. -I thought you were a pro.

Yes, that's exactly what I am, and that's why I'm telling you

this wall is botched.

Are you a doer or not? Why don't you do something?

If I am a doer? Fine.

You turn the thing on.

If I'm a doer. Turn the thing on.

Yes.

-That's too close. -What?

-You're too close. -Pardon?

You're too close.

You're too close.

-It's too close. -Yes.

-I understood. -Of course.

Men of your generation have problems with closeness.

-Younger men are much more advanced. -Definitely.

If he gets any closer, he'll be a suppository.

-Then let me drill. -You? On your first day?

Yeah, why not?

-Why not? He looks pretty strong. -Thanks.

He... Yes, fine, but you need some experience and some brains, too.

Now all of a sudden you need brains?

Guys. This is first-class, butter-soft, fake, botched wall.

And this baby has an idle speed of 4500 revolutions.

Do I have to say more?

The brain only learns when you step out of your comfort zone.

Dr. Benning...

It's like this. In life there are drills, there are suckers.

That's good, otherwise there would be chaos.

One drills, the other sucks.

And this young man is definitely a sucker.

-I am what? -You're a sucker.

-And what am I? -Exhausting.

No, sucker or driller?

You are...

You are...

You're a driller.

-Why is she one and not me? -You don't even want to drill.

How do you know what I want?

-Because I am your father. -What's my girlfriend's name?

-You have a girlfriend? -Nothing serious, right?

-You know nothing about me. -Do you like women?

I just thought because of the fingernails and stuff.

I'm totally open, really. Not that open.

I like women, don't I? Even more mature ones.

-More mature? -Stop! Wait.

You think I'm gay?

He's not gay. Right?

-No, I'm not gay. -But maybe bi.

Seriously?

I got nothing against gays. I like gays as people.

-"As people." Seriously? -Okay, one moment.

Now let your non-gay, very toned son,

who, by the way, should give women in their 30s a chance, drill in peace.

-In their 30s? -Exactly.

Well, it's your call. Take the drill, Michael.

Yes, thank you.

-I believe in you, Michael. -Mika.

Whatever.

Press.

Nice bathtub.

-That's not a hole, it's a crater! -I'll just vacuum that away.

I told you the wall is botched.

The wall is from a star architect.

Yes, but you had him drill it. A sucker.

He was supposed to drill, not blow up the wall!

What was it with the communication that doesn't work?

If you think of a hole and he thinks of a hole, then what? This.

Let's try a TV stand maybe? At the DIY store, there are some really nice ones.

-DIY store? -Yes.

What am I going to do now?

You said you need a lot of air, right? Maybe you...

could just take the wall out?

What's that supposed to look like? It looks...

Do it like this, Michael, lift from your back.

Not load-bearing.

Now it can't fall over. But don't turn on the fireplace or it gets too hot.

My interior designer will jump out of the window.

-I'd like to have your problems. -You really don't want them.

Doc. My father used to say for little problems call someone,

for big problems, drink something.

-I wouldn't have done that. -It's good, right?

-My eyes. -It's normal, over in a minute.

In India they rub it on cows to induce birth.

It's Wolfgang's homebrew.

Doc, how many fingers do you see?

Four.

Still four?

-Yes. -It's fine.

GAMING TOURNAMENT GRAN FINAL

-What's happened now? -Where is ARTE? ARTE is gone.

ARTE is a sophisticated channel. You wouldn't know it.

-Do they read books to you or what? -No, much better.

-They talk about books. -Don't they want viewers?

-They're sophisticated, just like me. -Could that be why you're alone?

-A ring enslaves. Frodo already knew that. -So you watch that?

First there were books, then movies.

-No. -Are you serious?

So. Channel found. ARTE is on 993. Exactly where it belongs. Here you go.

Do I have to always click 992 times before I get to ARTE?

-You are alone, you have time. -I can set it as channel one if you want.

-You would do that for me? -That's not okay.

-Why? -ARD is channel one.

It's called "The First," not "The Eighth."

For me, ARTE is first and 3Sat is second.

-That's why you're alone. -I can also imagine why you're alone.

-Yes? -Yes?

-Yes? -Oh yes!

Okay, so ARTE on one, right?

You have to click three to the right, then you can click the menu...

Yes, okay.

I need to help my dad for a minute.

What are you doing?

-What? -Come here.

-And? -What?

-Can't you tell? -What?

What do you want?

-She has a crush on me! -On you?

Didn't you notice?

-She yelled at you, several times. -Exactly.

And why? Because I'm important to her. You don't yell at a dead horse.

-Understood? -No.

Tactics. Women want to be teased, it was already like that in kindergarten.

The women I know actually want to be respected.

Just trust me. I've got experience, too. You can learn a little from your old man.

It didn't work like that with Mom.

-She was pregnant after the third date. -Really?

Yes. Imagine what it's like when you suddenly got a little screamer

-at 24. -24?

Crazy, that's just as old as I am now.

Please stop...

Well, that was...

It all happened incredibly fast back then.

It was like...

in free fall.

Just like when you fall...

All right.

I didn't mean it like that. It was nice, too.

Falling is also like flying.

-Just before you hit the ground. -Sure.

You're learning from the master himself. What's our most important goal?

Come on.

-Selling a extended warranty. -Right.

-Is everything okay? -Yes.

So, I'll go in there and set up the channels for her.

Then, she'll love me. That's why I was putting up a fight.

I don't get it.

Then you just ask me, "Boss, what's actually..."

I'm not saying "boss," no way.

-Why won't you say it? I am your boss. -I won't.

-I gave you a job. -You gave me the job

because you lost your license and needed a driver.

-Are you finished now? -Yes. In a minute.

Never mind. You say, "What happens if the TV falls over?"

-Falls over? -Falls over.

That's a shitty idea.

If you want, I could put ARTE on channel one for you, like a professional.

Done it already.

What now?

Yes, here. Very simple. First press red,

select the channel, press yellow and drag to the program position.

Comfort zone.

Yes... sure.

Now?

Yes...

I... was just wondering...

What were you wondering, Michael?

Yes, what would happen if the TV falls over?

Falls over?

-Falls over. -Did you make a mistake? Did you mess up?

God forbid. No, not at all. Just...

What he meant is purely hypothetical. If, for example,

a cat was to come in through the window and then knocks the thing over?

-A cat? -Happened before.

-Here? On the top floor? -They can climb like champions.

-Or maybe a pigeon? -Yes, a pigeon.

It flies in through the window, totally cheeky and...

-flies right into the TV. -Bang.

Are you finished with the assembly?

-Are we finished? -With the assembly?

With the assembly...

We're done.

I'll be packing up my stuff.

These are beautiful books.

About the extended warranty...

It's actually really smart, because if the TV, in a few weeks, just like...

accidentally, all by itself... falls over...

-Accidentally? -Yes, accidentally. It can happen.

And then the insurance will still pay the full amount.

And in a few weeks, as you know, you can get a much bigger TV

for the same money.

It all goes so quickly in our

capitalist world, where everything gets bigger and more absurd...

Not more absurd, better. Gets better.

-That's clever. -Bigger? For a bigger wall?

Yes.

By the way...

-Unbelievable. That's... -Some talk, others do, right?

Shit!

A beer?

-You drink beer? -Yes, sure.

-Yes, because of Munich and stuff. -I hate Munich. Always have.

-Really? -Yes.

-Bavaria, too? -What? Munich is in Bavaria.

No, I meant the club.

I'm actually named after a racing driver?

...MEANWHILE IN BERLIN-WESTEND

If you want to find out more about your delivery, say "Three."

-Three. -I did not understand you.

-Three. -Two.

You want to cancel your delivery.

Abort. Abort!

You will be connected to the next available employee.

-Not on hold again! -Please wait.

Please wait.

Please wait.

That's torture!

-Please wait. -According to UN resolution 217a

dated 12/10/1948, this is forbidden!

Forbidden!

But I'll get one of you during delivery.

Isn't that right, Hektor?

Translated by Melanie Martin