Original subtitles

♪

-♪ Hey, everybody, have you heard the news? ♪

♪ Joe Bob is back in town

♪ He's over at the drive-in, hanging around ♪

♪ Watching crazy movies, so come on down ♪

♪ To Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ Blood, beasties, boobies, and more ♪

♪ Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's a spooky good time with monsters and ghosts ♪

♪ Crazy, kooky fun with the world's greatest host ♪

♪ Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's gonna be legendary

♪ Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's gonna be very scary

♪ Joe Bob's "Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ Let's go

♪

[Static]

-So I have this question about kung fu.

-Go for it.

-Welcome to "The Last Drive-in," by the way.

We got kung fu tonight.

-Wait, what? We do?

-Yeah, we have kung fu.

We have lame Kung fu in the final act.

But I have this question about kung fu.

And the movie, by the way, is "Graduation Day."

-Whoo.

-It is graduation time in all the high schools of America,

and we're honoring the graduates of American high schools

by passing out free cannabis in the states where it's legal.

-Are we? -Not really.

-Oh. -Although that would be another

question that I have.

Why in all '80s movies is there a weed smoking scene?

At least one weed smoking scene in every slasher film,

starting with the foundation film, "Halloween," 1978.

-I feel like it's because it was risqué

and naughty at the time, you know?

It's like Randy taught us in the classic "Scream."

It's the sin factor. -[Sighs]

-You know some bad shit is gonna go down if they're sinning.

-Alright, well, if it's in "Scream" it's gospel, right?

-Exactly. -In Darcy world.

Darcy the Mail Girl, ladies and gentlemen,

with us as always. -Ah.

-To field your messages throughout the evening.

And tonight,

we're going to stage your actual high school graduation

because you never graduated high school.

-Thanks for that. -So we're gonna give you

a diploma from the Briggs High School

of Exploitation Cinema Studies.

-And I will be honored to accept it.

-Alright, John Brennan, are you back there?

Do you know how to play that song

that they always play at -- -"Pomp and Circumstance."

-Oh, you know the actual name of the song?

-Composed by Sir Edward William Elgar in 1901.

-Wow, okay. I'm glad I asked.

-"Pomp and Circumstance March number one."

-Thanks for the clarification.

-In the key of D. -Okay, so we're gonna play that.

-They don't play the whole thing, though.

They only play the trio section.

-Okay. Thank you, John Brennan.

-And the trio section

is named "Land of Hope and Glory."

-Okay, good -- good graduation song trivia.

We got it. -[Tuning kazoo]

-It's some kind of British Empire anthem.

We rule the world. Colonialism is cool.

Hail to the conquering --

-[Playing "Pomp and Circumstance"]

-Wonderful sentiments for graduating high school seniors.

What are you doing, John?

Okay, John.

Later. That's good. I'm glad you know the tune.

-That was so good.

-Yeah, okay. Thank you, John.

-Okay, so when we do those -- -Yeah.

-Just gonna run it by you.

Is it okay if I flash real quick?

-What do you mean flash?

-I just thought if I ever walked across the stage

to get a diploma, I'd kind of like, pom,

whip open my gown and, like, flash the audience,

'cause I feel like that's what they do in movies.

So, like, I need to be that person in case

no one else did it.

-Okay. You mean you want to streak.

-No, no, that's -- although... -That would be very '80s.

-We can do that too if you join me,

but I did not mean take off the whole gown.

I meant just a quick, whoo, boobies.

It could up the boob count.

-So you would be naked under the cap and gown?

-Yeah, I mean, that's what people do, right?

I've seen it in movies.

-Well, I can ask the high sheriffs at the first break

if we can do that, you know, maybe a bikini.

-I kind of figured it was gonna be a no,

but, you know, bikini's fine. You get the point.

-[Playing "Pomp and circumstance"]

-Okay, John. Alright, John.

We will make the music fit the occasion,

even if the music includes a bikini.

Alright. -So -- so it's okay to flash.

-You can bikini flash, okay? -Cool.

-So, I have this question about kung fu.

-I've heard. -There is no excuse for

not having competent kung fu in a movie.

I have personally witnessed every type of kung fu in cinema,

full contact karate, taekwondo, jujitsu,

kenpo, karate, Dragonfist fighting, Mad Monkey kung fu,

trampoline somerset samurai.

Um, Hong Kong Kindo spread eagle

triple reverse serpent on a spear kickboxing,

open foot mustache bashing.

And ever since Bruce Lee made "Enter the Dragon,"

which was what, 50 years ago?

When did he make "Enter the Dragon"?

Ever since then,

Hollywood has been full of accomplished martial arts

stunt guys and stunt gals.

And we had that long period

where there were about 97 martial arts stars,

and everybody that won an ESPN foot clobbering tournament

got a movie contract.

So all those guys stayed in Hollywood,

and they either teach martial arts or they run stunt teams.

-[Snickers] So, what's your question?

-Here's my question. -Okay.

Every time you talk to one of these black belts

or you see one in the flicks,

they start talking about how kung fu is meant

for self-defense only.

In other words, they do it to protect themselves

from psychokillers on the street.

So the kung fu masters tell you they don't do it to fight.

They do it to avoid fighting. And in fact,

if somebody ever catches them fighting for real

instead of defending themselves,

then they'll get shanghaied and whipped with a wet noodle

by the grand wazoo of kickboxing,

who's always this bald headed guy with a long beard,

and he sits cross-legged like Shirley MacLaine

on a mini series, and he calls you a sniveling pile weasel

doo-doo, if you do the wrong thing

and you pursue a lifestyle of violence.

And so they all say this, and they all mean it.

And so, here's my question.

How can you stand it?

I mean, wouldn't it be like getting ready

to have sex for 40 years but never having sex

but always being ready to have it just in case?

I mean, what if nobody ever comes up to you on the street

and picks a fight?

I mean, what if you go through your whole life

and nobody jumps out of a building onto your back

or tries to rape your sister or beats up a little old lady

while you're crossing the street?

I mean, it can happen.

It's not like we witnessed 17 crimes a day.

I mean, Wouldn't you end up getting so desperate

that you'd go into the meanest parts of East St. Louis,

just hoping something dangerous would happen to you?

You know, it's sort of the same principle

as when the cops tell you to label all your belongings

in case a burglar steals them.

And so one day you decide to do it.

You label everything.

But then the next week, you buy a new stereo

and you throw out a bunch of old stuff.

So now, half of your stuff's labeled and half hidden,

and so you go, Oh, what the hell?

You're already sick of it, right?

You're not going to work that hard just in case

a burglar shows up, right?

Same deal, only these guys train every day.

So that eventually, just in case somebody jumps them,

they can be ready to kick his butt.

Don't they ever once just for a minute, say, I got to kick butt.

I need to kick butt today.

Otherwise, it's like cleaning your shotgun every day

of your life, but always eating Swanson's frozen TV dinners.

You know what I mean? [Laughter]

Anybody else ever think about this?

-Um, I'm thinking that's a no.

But why are we talking about martial arts

when this is so not a martial arts movie?

-Well, because they try to sell the ending

of this movie with kung fu.

And it's obviously not a person who's ever practiced kung fu,

and they were too cheap to hire stunt fu.

-Well, it's not the first time that's ever happened.

-Well, I wouldn't care so much

if it wasn't the big payoff climax scene.

There's no excuse for not bringing in the kung fu guy

for the day or the kung fu stunt man for the day

or the stunt woman or whatever.

-You know, maybe we should watch the movies

and let the viewers decide.

-And that's exactly what we're gonna do.

"Graduation day" is the sensitive story of a prim

and proper Navy ensign, who takes a leave of absence

to attend the funeral of her sister

tragically killed during a track meet shortly before

her high school graduation and marriage ceremony.

As soon as Navy girl hits town,

the members of the track team start dropping like extras

in a Fulci film, stalked by a black-gloved killer

with a wicked sense of humor and a stopwatch.

Sure, we've seen it before,

but have we seen it with a 7.5 minute

roller boogie gangster rock graphic death musical sequence

sung by the failed New Wave band Felony?

-Felony rocks, man. -I think not.

So let's look at those Drive-in Totals and get started.

We have nine dead bodies, six breasts,

one lecherous truck driver,

one drunken stepfather, one abusive coach,

one sing-along of "Graduation Day Blues" with harmonica,

One rowdy graduation practice, one mummified graduate,

team photo smashing, killer P.O.V. camera,

head rolls, spikes in the pole vault landing pad,

gratuitous track and field footage, gratuitous jogging,

gratuitous uneven bars, gratuitous roller skating,

fencing sabre fu, skewer-in-a-football fu,

dagger fu, kung fu, bimbo fu.

Drive-In Academy Award nominations for Patch Mackenzie,

as the creepy sister for disappearing halfway

through the movie after saying, "You have lovely eyes.

My sister had eyes like yours. She's dead now."

Michael Pataki as Principal Guglione for acting

like he's in a screwball comedy instead of a horror movie

and for telling the secretary, "You tell the truth

on your own time."

E. Danny Murphy as Kevin, Laura's boyfriend,

for keeping a photo album of snapshots

of Laura's death and for saying,

"Laura's still with me.

She'll always be with me."

Christopher George as Coach Michaels,

the bully coach, for saying, "Sally gets your little ass up

on those bars and go to work."

And Linnea Quigley as party girl Dolores

for saying, "Must be nice to be a boy.

You can piss anywhere you want to."

Three stars. Joe Bob says check it out.

-So there are six breasts in this movie?

-Yes, six breasts, including Linnea Quigley's breasts.

-Okay, but I can't flash. [Laughter]

-Okay, you make a very good point.

-Just saying. -There is apparently

a corporate disconnect... [laughs]

...between breasts in the movie and breasts on the set.

-There's an actual breast policy?

-I wouldn't call it a policy,

but garbanzos have been discussed around here, yes.

-My garbanzos have been discussed?

-Well, remember -- remember

when I impaled you on reindeer antlers

for a "Silent Night, Deadly Night 2?"

-Of course.

And they made me make those weird scars to cover up.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

-Darcy, I realize you're the chairperson

for the Free the Nipple movement.

-And -- -I mean, it's a little bit

of a sore point for me.

It's like big inequality here.

-Well, despite the rousing success of that movie,

"Free the Nipple" in 2013. -"Rousing success."

-Well, I'm exaggerating.

But despite that movie and the "Free the Nipple" rallies...

-Whoo! -...the nipple in America

remains encased in legal cloth,

including in some cities, even at topless bars,

which I don't know.

What's the point of being a topless bar

if you're not topless?

-They don't even free the nipple there.

-We can't even start with me on this.

I'll be like you ranting for hours.

So I was going to those Free the Nipple

rallies way back in the day before it was that.

It was called Boobs, Not Bombs.

-Boobs, Not Bombs? -Mm-hmm.

Believe me, I would love to free the nipple.

-I do believe you.

-But, you know, this will be a bikini flash.

-Because you already know what they're going to say.

-Well, if you want me to,

I will go to Madison Square Garden.

I will storm the AMC corporate offices at 11 Penn Plaza.

I will stage a vigorous protest.

-And you will lose.

-Yes, I will. -I know.

[Laughter]

♪

[Static]

♪

♪

♪

[Gunshot]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-♪ Most of the people we know are crazy ♪

♪

♪ Now some are winning and some are losing ♪

♪

♪ But fools don't take the time to dance to the right place ♪

♪ But lovers are the winners of the day ♪

♪ Everybody wants to be the winner, the winner ♪

♪ Wants to be the winner

♪

♪ Now everybody

-♪ Everybody wants to be the winner, the winner ♪

♪ Wants to be the winner

-♪ Now everybody

-♪ Everybody wants to be the winner, the winner ♪

♪ Wants to be the winner

♪

♪

♪

♪

-And now, ladies and gentlemen,

presenting the winners!

[Cheers and applause]

♪

♪

-Come on, come on.

♪

30 seconds, Laura.

30 seconds, damn it. Don't disappoint me.

♪

Move your legs, Laura!

♪

[Crowd chanting "Laura!"]

♪

Move it, move it, move it!

[crowd chanting continues]

♪

♪

Move it!

Come on, push through it, damn it.

♪

♪

♪

♪

-♪ Lovers and winners are one and the same ♪

[Chanting continues]

-[Screaming]

♪

[Dramatic music playing]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-Isn't that the kid who died a couple of months ago?

Tough.

A real shame.

You knew her?

You read about those two Navy girls down in San Diego?

It was in all the papers.

I -- I hear they were a couple of real lesbos.

What's the matter, cat got your tongue?

That's okay.

I've got plenty of tongue for both of us.

[Chuckling]

-Move your hand.

-Oh, now, come on.

Give a guy a break, huh?

I'm a taxpayer.

-I said move it.

-Oh, now, you're not one of those lesbos, are you?

[Groans] Hey!

Come on, l-let loose.

-Okay.

But you even breathe in my direction,

you'll be eating your balls for brunch.

-Are you some kind of fucking nut or something?

Jesus Christ.

[Bell tolling]

Fucking graduation day.

They make a big deal out of it, like it was

something special or something.

-Let me out.

-I thought you wanted to go to Market Street.

All right, all right, all right.

Jesus Christ.

You're welcome for the ride, lady.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-[Screaming]

♪

♪

[Rock music playing in headphones]

♪

♪

[Indistinct conversations]

[Man singing]

♪

[Laughter]

♪

♪

[Indistinct conversations]

♪

♪

-Oh, good morning, Coach.

♪

-All right, the hell with it.

Let's get this show on the road.

-No! -Ah, come on, Coach.

-We can't take a newspaper picture without Paula.

She's the best cross country runner we've ever had,

and you know it. -Had is right.

[Indistinct shouting]

-Hold it down!

-Come on, coach.

She's just jogging, for God's sake.

-Do you know that for a fact?

-Yeah.

I passed her on the way to school this morning.

-What did she have to say? -Nothing.

I assumed she knew we had to be here right after homeroom.

-Boys in back.

[Indistinct shouting] -No!

We can't take the picture without Paula.

-Come on. Let's go.

-How about it, Coach?

What was the calculated risk?

How many of us were supposed to make it through the season

alive? -You're out of line, fella.

-Yeah?

You've done a lot worse, Coach.

-Oh, wait a minute. Coach, coach.

Listen, I'm on a tight schedule.

Let's take the picture. Come on. Okay?

-All right, come on. Line up.

Come on, come on.

Come on.

Watch your language, young lady.

-Let's take the junk off.

-Get your stuff off and move in closer, okay?

That's it. Nice smile, come on.

[Doorbell]

-Oh!

Oh, honey!

Oh, am I glad to see you.

Well, let me take your hat.

You lost weight.

-No, I haven't, Mom.

I've been the same way for 10 years.

-Really?

-Are you all right?

-It was awful.

Just awful.

[Sobbing]

Oh, look, honey. Anne's home.

-No shit, Sherlock.

-Don't talk to my mother like that.

-Hey, you don't like it, why don't you go back to China

or wherever the hell you came from?

I mean, nobody invited you here.

-Now, please don't fight.

Ronald's joking, that's all.

Aren't you, honey?

See?

He don't mean anything by it?

Where did you come from this time, honey?

-Guam.

-Oh, Ronald, did you hear that?

She came all the way from Guam for the graduation.

Isn't that nice?

-It's very nice.

-You can be too hard on him.

It was a terrible shock.

Now, come on, I'll take you up to Laura's room.

You relax for a while.

-What about my room, Mom?

-Oh.

Oh, Ronald made it into a wonderful dark room.

He's a terrific photographer.

You won't mind Laura's room.

It's really nice and tidy.

Nobody's been there since she died.

-Okay, Mom. -Come on.

I'll show you.

-No, it's all right.

I know where it is.

-How long you gonna stay?

-Just until after the graduation.

Why?

-Oh, nothing.

Ronald will probably want to know, that's all.

Honey, the trophy and the insurance

money -- Laura's, I mean -- are you planning on keeping them?

-No, Mom.

Did you hear that, Ronald?

You'll get to keep the money.

-Why didn't you call us from the airport?

I'd have picked you up.

-I got here all right.

-Yeah, I can see that.

-You got something on your mind?

-What did they have to call you for?

I brought her up like she was my own.

I ought to be up there getting that trophy.

I don't know why you come sniffing around.

-I've got my reasons.

-Oh, I see the Navy hasn't taught you any manners.

You're still the same big-mouth, self-centered bitch

you were the day you left here.

I ought to slap some minding into you.

-I wouldn't, if I were you.

I have learned a few things in the military.

-Bitch.

[Static]

-Okay, "Graduation Day" wastes absolutely no time stacking

up the dead bodies, and that is partly the result

of the screenwriting theory

that they used to make the movie.

The director, Herb Freed, and his wife and co-writer

Anne Marisse had spent several months going to drive-ins

and studying every slasher movie in release.

And in the year 1980,

there were quite a few slashers including Sean Cunningham's

"Friday the 13th,"

because everybody was trying to copy the success

of John Carpenter's "Halloween" from 1978.

And the reason they were doing this

is that Herb Freed had already made two horror flicks

that did not do that well.

He made "Haunts" and he made "Beyond Evil."

And they wanted to know why John Carpenter

and Sean Cunningham are making bajillions of dollars,

and they are not.

And so they found what they decided was the secret

of a successful slasher, one dead body every nine minutes.

[Laughter]

And they use that principle to write "Graduation Day."

Which makes no sense because "Halloween"

doesn't operate on that principle.

I mean, except for the opening scene,

the kills in "Halloween" are seriously delayed,

and exposition scenes abound in that movie.

Anyway, the title "Graduation Day"

and the concept of using high school graduation

as the focus actually came from the producer, not the writers.

And that producer was David Baughn,

who had worked for Russ Meyer for 13 years distributing movies

that were considered porno in many cities.

And so he was battle hardened in terms of censorship fights,

and he had recently become a sub-distributor.

Now, sub-distributors don't exist anymore.

But in the heyday of exploitation movies,

the country was divided up into territories.

And each territory would have these guys

who would pay for the advertising for his territory

in return for a piece of the action.

And the reason they did this instead of opening up

all across the country at the same time is

so they could reduce the number of prints

they would need to make because prints were very expensive,

and you might need 3,000, 4,000 prints

to play all the theaters in the country at the same time,

plus the advertising costs would be exorbitant.

So these guys would just strike 200 prints

and move them around the country.

And they would use these sub-distributors

to pay for the advertising in each territory.

And so, David Baughn was a sub-distributor

for the Western territory,

which was the 13 states nearest the Pacific Coast.

And he met Herb Freed

when Fried was looking for distribution on "Haunts"

and the two guys hit it off

and they decided to form a production company

to make horror movies that they would self-distribute,

thereby keeping more of the money.

And the first one was "Beyond Evil,"

which was a haunted house picture

with John Saxon and Lynda Day George

filmed in the house where OJ did not kill his wife.

But -- but that movie -- -Really?

-But that movie didn't really perform that well.

So they decided to make an all-out slasher,

and David Baughn suggested the first one be holiday horror.

But it seemed like all the good holidays had been taken,

so he came up with the idea of graduation day

which should work because May is a really good time

to release exploitation films,

right before the summer blockbusters come out.

So the title was chosen before they had a script

or a cast or anything else.

And then Herb Freed and Anne Marisse

wrote the script with a kill every nine minutes.

And that was David Baughn's crotch that you saw there

when Anne grabs the truck driver between the legs

and chokes him, kind of a special Hitchcockian moment,

low rent cameo, crotch only cameo.

Herb Freed, by the way, was an ordained rabbi.

He graduated from Jewish theological seminary

in New York.

But while he was studying there,

he was also becoming interested in the Broadway Theater,

which is where he met his wife, Anne Marisse.

She had been in the original cast of "Fiddler on the Roof"

and done many other shows, and by the time he graduated,

Freed was kind of a confused man because he was a rabbi.

He was at Temple Beth Shalom in Mahopac, New York,

but he was also producing

and directing plays one hour south at the Maidman Playhouse

on 42nd Street in New York City.

So he eventually decided he liked the city better

than the calm waters of Lake Mahopac

and he became a TV director for BBDO,

the Giant advertising agency,

and he made more than 200 commercials for big accounts

like Pepsi, Breck, Covergirl, Clairol, Revlon.

He was the guy they called

whenever beautiful women were involved.

So he was preparing to do slashers obviously,

'cause got to know how to work with the pretty girls,

as we will see in the scenes coming up here.

[Laughter]

Ah, Darcy, you know how many rabbi

turned horror directors there are?

-Not a lot. -One.

-One? Wow. -Herb Freed.

This guy, he was also a dancer, he was a folk singer.

He could do it all. Alright, back to the movie.

It was the '60s. People did stuff like that.

Roll it.

That first kill, Paula,

the girl running through the woods

in the yellow shorts with the enormous headphones,

that's Linda Shayne, better known as

the Salmon Queen in "Humanoids from the Deep."

-Aah. -You remember her?

-That was my cosplay for that.

-Yeah, and better known as -- also known as

Bootsie Goodhead in "Screwballs,"

which she also wrote.

Lynda is one of the Roger Corman success stories.

She became an accomplished director in her own right.

And speaking of running through the woods,

why are there dead leaves everywhere?

Isn't it, May? It's May, right?

I mean -- -Global warming.

Didn't Anne, the Navy sister show up in town

to accept the track trophy at the graduation ceremony.

And why does she tell the stepdad,

played by veteran character actor Hal Bokar,

that she doesn't want the insurance money?

Since when does your sister get your insurance money?

Anyway...

And why did she smash the track team photo?

And, did she did she have time to change clothes

and run through the woods

and kill Lynda Shayne and then change back?

Darcy? -It's a slasher.

Anything is possible.

-Alright, see, that's the kind of movie knowledge

that qualifies you for your Briggs High School diploma.

[Laughter]

If you're going to graduate,

though, can I do the commencement address?

-Oh, please do, yeah. -Alright.

In my address, I have to tell you how happy

you're going to be now that you have your diploma.

-Make sure that you tell me to follow my dreams.

-Oh, yeah, follow your dreams. -Yeah.

-The same thing Walt Disney said,

or was it Walt Disney that said it?

Or Michael Jackson.

Michael Jackson said...

Dr. Phil, somebody said --

somebody said, follow your dreams.

-I feel like everybody says it.

-Michelle Obama.

I'm going with Michelle Obama said follow your dreams.

-Everyone on "American Idol" says it.

Follow your dreams to Hollywood. -Maybe it was Mahatma Gandhi.

Or did Mahatma Gandhi say follow the money?

-That was Deep Throat. -Deep Throat?

Linda Lovelace said follow the money?

-Well, probably, but no.

In "All the "President's Men,"

the informant called Deep Throat tells Robert Redford

follow the money.

-Well, it's good advice, and it has exploitation film origins.

So I'm going with follow the money.

-I don't feel like "All the President's Men"

is an exploitation film.

-No, it's not, but Deep Throat is.

-Okay, good point. -Alright, it's our world.

-I like it.

[Laughter]

♪

[Static]

[Indistinct conversations]

[Sinister cord plays]

-Hi, Sally. -Hi.

[Birds chirping]

♪

♪

♪

-Did I frighten you? -Yes, you did.

-I'm sorry.

I was looking for the auditorium.

I must have gotten lost.

It's strange, you know.

I used to know this place like the back of my hand.

-The auditorium is over there.

You can't miss it.

-That's beautiful.

-It's the honor award.

Varsity track.

-You have lovely eyes.

My sister had eyes like yours.

She's dead now.

-Oh, gee.

Well, I gotta run.

[Choir singing]

♪

[Cheers and applause]

-Hey, seniors.

Let's give our attention to our principal, Mr. Guglione.

[Booing]

-Okay, thank you.

Thank you. All right, enough.

Is this thing on?

[Indistinct shouting]

Boys and girls. [Mic feeedback]

I want you -- [Feedback continues]

Boys and girls?

[Feedback]

Alright.

Alright, seniors.

If you can't behave, we're just going to have

to call this whole thing off. [Booing]

Is that what you want to see?

Is that what you want to happen?

Well, is it?

Well, what's it going to be? Behave or quits.

Come on, make up -- behave or quits.

I mean it.

I'm serious, boys and girls.

Graduation is for you, not for me.

Remember that.

Now, simmer down.

I mean it.

That's better.

These diplomas are tickets to the adult world.

You want to get in, you've got to pay the admission price.

Respect authority. [Students booing]

Do we understand each other?

Good.

Okay.

-It's her.

-At the exercises tomorrow...

-Boy, is she weird.

-...I will call your names one at a time.

You will come up here.

And I will hand you a diploma.

You will take the diploma in your left hand

and shake with your right hand.

And no -- no jokes about being left-handed.

[Students shouting]

Then the monsignor--

[Students cheering]

The monsignor is going to say the benediction,

and you're all going to stand there with your heads bowed.

And you better be serious.

Then we're going to get to the special awards over here.

-[Whispering]

Boys and girls, we have a special guest with us today.

I would like you to give a warm welcome to Laura Ramstead's

sister, Miss Anne Ramstead.

Excuse me, Ensign Ramstead.

[Applause]

She flew all the way in from Guam to be with us today.

Tomorrow at the actual ceremony,

we are going to call for a moment of silence

in honor of Laura.

Boys and girls, that will be all for today.

[Students cheering]

-They're animals.

I swear to god, they get worse from year to year.

[Indistinct conversations]

-You're Kevin.

-Hello, Anne.

-I appreciated your letter so much.

-Thank you. -Can we talk?

-Sure. -Alone?

-Catch me later. After school.

-Well, Kevin, where?

Kevin?

[Door buzzer]

[Cheering]

-Get! We ain't got nothing here.

Go on.

Get away! Get away!

Go on, I said.

-I didn't know anyone was here.

-Hello, Anne.

-Kevin.

I was afraid you weren't here.

-I was upstairs in my room.

I see you saw it.

-It's exactly as you wrote in your letter.

-Go on, get, before I sic those dogs on you.

Get! -Don't worry about Grandma.

She can't hear a thing.

-She didn't have to die, Kevin.

-I know.

You know, Laura was crazy about you.

It was always Anne this and Anne that.

She idolized you.

-She was all I had.

Everything's different now.

-Laura's still with me.

She'll always be with me.

That'll never change.

-You're beautiful, Kevin.

You really are.

Oh, I -- I almost forgot what I came for.

-What is it?

-Laura's graduation present.

I wanted you to have it.

-Wow. It's really neat.

Thanks.

-Well, I'd better be going.

I have some things to take care of.

-Yeah.

-I'll see you later, hmm?

-Hey, thanks again.

♪

♪

[Water dripping]

♪

-[Breathing shakily]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-Anybody there?

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Screaming]

Why did you come sneaking in like that for?

-What? [Indistinct conversation]

-Quiet! Quiet!

-What.

Oh, come on.

-Now what?

-Quiet!

-What?

-That door. -What?

-What about it? -It just closed.

-Sure it did.

All by itself. -Really.

-No! Don't!

-She's nuts. She is nuts. -[Whistles]

-I think so.

I don't believe her.

What are you trying to do?

Jesus, what is with her?

-You are out to lunch.

You are out to lunch. Let's get out of here.

This girl's wacko.

-You know, you scared me so much that I wet my pants?

Do you know that?

[Giggling]

-No, I didn't really.

-Yes, you did! -I did not!

-Yes, you did.

-Hey, wait for me.

[Indistinct conversations]

-Coach Michaels tells me you're good enough

for the Olympics, huh?

-He never told me that.

-No?

Sally, could you do a couple of turns for me on the bar?

-Hey, hold it, hold it.

What do you mean a couple of turns?

Sally, get up on the bars and do your routine.

-I don't know, coach.

I'm really not up to it today.

-The man is here from the paper.

For Christ's sakes, don't embarrass me.

-Hey, it's okay, coach.

I just need a --

-Just mind your own business.

Sally, get your little ass up on those bars and go to work.

♪

-She's dead now.

-What happened?

-I'm not sure.

-What do you mean you're not sure?

-I don't know.

-You broke your concentration.

That's what happened.

I've never seen anything so sloppy.

-It doesn't really matter, Coach.

I got a good --

-Just shut up and do your job, huh?

Now, do it, Sally.

Don't disappoint me.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-It's no problem, Coach.

I got some really great stuff here.

-Go on. Go on!

♪

♪

♪

♪

-This is for you, coach.

[Stopwatch clicking]

Sit on it and rotate.

♪

♪

♪

What are you doing?

Stop it! No!

No! [Screaming]

♪

-So, I guess Vanna White's first words in show business

were, "You know you scared me so much

I wet my pants?" -Yay!

-The performance I was impressed with was Sally.

Not only did she take that fencing coil through the neck,

but she did the nudity.

She did a whole gymnastics ballet on those uneven bars.

She was believable as Coach George Michaels yelled at her.

"Get your little ass up on those bars and go to work."

Even though, correct me if I'm wrong,

but isn't he the track coach? What's he doing with a gymnast?

Anyway, Denise Cheshire played that role,

and she was not an actress at all.

She was a finalist in the 1976 Olympics gymnastics team.

She grew up in Burbank.

And after she retired from gymnastics,

she became a top-rated stunt performer

and a fitness instructor.

And she was in "Men in Black II."

She was in "Gorillas in the Mist."

But her top credit, as far as I'm concerned,

she played Jack Frost.

She was the person inside the evil snowman.

-Shut up. That is an amazing -- That is such a cool credit.

-That is beyond cool. That is a frosty credit.

So how many suspects do we have in this movie so far, Darcy?

-A lot. -Yeah.

We have Christopher George, who plays the track coach.

He's a suspect just because he yells a lot, I guess.

And I guess we're supposed to think that Laura,

the girl who dies in the opening scene has a heart attack

because he drives her too hard.

How come she just drops on the track?

Do they explain that? Everybody just runs over to her,

her boyfriend cradles her in his arms.

There's no CPR. There's no ambulance.

They could land the life flight helicopter right there

on the track, you know, but they just assume, oh, she's dead.

She didn't move for five seconds.

-I think they said it's a blood clot.

-Okay, it's a blood clot,

so that's not the coach's fault, is it?

-But maybe it's not really a blood clot.

Maybe it's a fake story.

Hmm. -Okay.

So the coach is a suspect.

And -- And by the way, I don't think you're supposed

to let up on track and field athletes.

And say the coaches, you know, drives them too hard.

I think if they're in the race,

you're supposed to keep getting them to pump harder

to the point of exhaustion, right?

-Maybe. -Like, who's -- who's

the fastest runner in the world?

-Usain Bolt.

-Yeah, right. The Jamaican dude.

Well, his coach doesn't say, "Hey, Usain.

If you start to get chest pains, pull up."

You know, you will get chest pains.

You're maxing out your body.

-Agree. -Okay.

So Coach Michaels is a suspect.

Weird beard sister Anne is a suspect

because she accosts Sally in the woods and skeeves her out.

Plus she owns black gloves.

I guess Laura's family, they're all suspects.

The dad is all pissed off.

Grandma probably can't walk, so we can rule her out.

The boyfriend keeps scrapbooks.

Lots of slasher killers keep scrapbooks.

-Yeah, like, full on altars. -They do have altars, too.

So Kevin may have an altar somewhere.

Danny Murphy is Kevin.

I think this was his first role as the boyfriend

who fails to call 911

and then mopes around about it the whole movie.

-Is Vanna White a suspect?

-Vanna White could very well be a suspect.

Are you buddies with Vanna?

-I know you guys are both from South Carolina and --

-No, she had moved out way before I was growing up.

-Alright.

Well, here's some -- there's some famous modeling picture

of Vanna White for a car dealership in North Myrtle Beach

or somewhere like that.

-Well, our families wouldn't have crossed paths then.

We were based in Charleston, Myrtle Beach.

-Is the goofy principle a suspect?

-Not a very good one.

-That's Michael Pataki,

beloved character actor for many decades.

Herb Freed told him to play it goofy.

Here's a question.

Why? If they're having graduation ceremony practice?

Why would everyone already be wearing their caps

and gowns for rehearsal?

-For class photos?

-Oh.

Good call. How do you know that?

-Do you think it was easy to earn my diploma?

-Okay, back to the movie. Roll it.

Why do people say North Myrtle Beach?

I'm not from Myrtle Beach.

I'm from North Myrtle Beach.

-Because it's the more residential part,

not the, like, glamorous touristy part.

-So if you live in Myrtle Beach,

you might have, like three beer joints

and a Ferris wheel across the street,

but in North Myrtle Beach,

you got children's playgrounds and Applebee's.

-Sort of, yeah.

North Myrtle Beach is more for shopping and,

like, picnicking and the beach is better.

-No strip clubs, right?

-Oh, I didn't say that.

Actually, the best ones are in North Myrtle Beach.

-Better than Charleston, though.

-I have to be real.

It's the one thing that Myrtle Beach has

that's better than Charleston.

-Really? -Step it up, Charleston.

-You and David Gordon Green, massive Charleston lovers.

And yet, you're giving credit to Myrtle Beach.

-Just in strip clubs.

Everything else is amazing in Charleston.

-Okay.

Charleston fired the first shot in the Civil War.

-And they're super proud about that.

-It's kind of the last shot that matters, right?

-Fair.

♪

[Static]

[Slow piano playing]

♪

-♪ With you, I could learn to

♪ With you, what a new day

♪ But who can I turn to if you

♪ Turn away

[Cheers and applause]

-Oh, why did you ever leave show business?

-Oh, I never really left it.

I mean, show biz is my life.

[Laughter]

I got tired of the parties.

-Oh, the parties!

Oh, I can't stand it.

-Kept having to kiss the behinds.

Little things that I had to do to be part of the biz.

[Indistinct conversation]

-Really, how exciting. -Yeah.

Well, when you're an entertainer as I was --

as I am --

-The bell rang 10 minutes ago.

-There aren't any more real classes.

Tomorrow's graduation day.

Hey, Mr. Roberts is going to be on tour for the whole summer.

Isn't that neat? -Oh, God.

I wish I could go with you.

-What about it, Mr. Roberts?

Do you want me to come back later or what?

-Oh, no. No, Dolores. You're right on time.

We were just kinda letting it all hang out,

as they say in the industry.

Alright, look.

I'll see you and you in the fall.

Have a really great summer. I mean it now.

-Okay. -Thanks, Mr. Roberts.

-Good-bye, Joanne. -Good-bye.

-Bye, Doris. -Bye.

-Sing one for me, honey.

[Piano playing]

[Piano keys crash]

Oh, now, Dolores, as I was saying,

there's no possible way I could pass you.

I mean, summer school is the only answer.

You've hardly been here.

Let me show you your record, and you'll see that it's --

What are you doing, dear?

As I was saying, you see, summer school isn't that bad, really.

Wait, don't do that.

I mean, not here.

Somebody could come in, you know.

Uh, Dolores, uh -- oh, my.

Dolores, I want --

Oh, Dolores.

[Piano keys strike]

-[Muttering]

[Buzzer]

Yes?

-Blondie, would you come in here for a minute,

quick like a bunny? -Quick like a what?

-Bunny. You know, rabbit, quick, chop chop.

-You lie.

-[Whistling]

-Blondie, you look just terrific.

-[Laughs] Alright, how much is there?

-Not much.

Nothing that you can't whip out in no time.

About three letters on the first side.

The body of the letter is the same for all three,

except they must be individually done

and they must be addressed to the school

superintendents, the school board,

and the athletic faculty.

And on the other side, do the same for the art department,

music department, and math, okay?

-You have got to be kidding.

I am up to my garter belts now.

Tomorrow is graduation day.

-I know that.

That's why it's got to be done quick.

-I know. Like a bunny.

-Blondie, I would appreciate this very much.

It's very important to me.

-Don't try to be nice to me.

I am really ticked off.

This is just not fair.

I'm going to be up half the night with this.

-Honey, I got an idea.

What do you say I come by your place

later on with a bottle of wine after you're finished.

Hmm?

-You know something, Mr. Guglione?

You are a real bastard.

Make it around midnight.

-[Honking noises]

[Door closes] [Laughs]

-[Humming]

♪ I said I love you

[Metal clangs]

[Whistling]

[Clanging]

♪

[Clanging continues]

♪

Did you hear it?

-Hear what?

-The strange tapping noise.

It's everywhere.

You must have heard it, didn't you?

-No, I haven't heard a thing.

-Well, there's something in the pipes.

I'm sure of it.

-Well, what do you think it is?

-I don't know, but I'm going to find out.

-You do that.

-Hello?

Is anybody in here?

[Steam hisses]

Shit!

Alright, look.

Whoever it is, I know who you are.

You're not supposed to be in here.

Come on now, I'm not going to hassle you or anything.

Just get your ass out, alright?

Look, I won't tell Mr. Guglione if you just get out now.

[Bucket clanging]

-Mr. Roberts, you look a lot better with your clothes on.

-Why?

Don't you find me attractive?

-Oh, sure I do. You're okay.

You're fine.

-Do you like snakes?

I call this my little cobra.

-Oh, why? Is it poisonous?

-You're very funny, Dolores.

-So are you. You're real funny.

-Oh. Oh, Dolores.

-[Laughs] -Dolores!

-Mr. Roberts, oh! [Laughing]

-Come back here!

Don't think I don't know who you are, because I do!

Come out and show your face, you miserable scum!

[Bell tolling]

-You know, you really screwed up this year.

You're going to be lucky if you graduate.

-I'm going to graduate.

-And do what?

You didn't even go to class half of the time.

-I know, but it's cool.

I talked to Mr. Roberts, and he doesn't care.

I'm going to graduate.

How many girls have you screwed?

Is it true that you've screwed the ones at Sacred Heart?

Huh?

Have you?

-What do I look like, a calculator or something?

-No, but, you know, I just wondered.

-Every one. -Every one of them?

-Cheerleaders, pom pom girls.

-You're kidding. -Every one.

-Do you know Nancy?

-We go back a long ways.

First time I met her.

-So you did do it with her, huh? -Oh, yeah.

I had to teach her a little bit.

She's only in high school. You know.

-She's my best friend. -Oh, yeah?

-Yeah, she's my best friend.

-What'd she say? -About you?

What'd she say about you?

-Mm-hmm.

-Oh, she didn't say anything about you at all.

-Probably because, you know --

-Because you were boyfriend and girlfriend, right?

-Yeah. Yeah, that's probably it.

-You know what, Tony?

-What?

-I'm really horny.

-There's time for that later.

-I really am. -No, no.

There's time for that later. -Come on.

Come on!

-What do you kids think you're doing?

-Oh, shit.

-How'd you like to get busted the day before graduation?

What would your parents say about that?

-You know, I'm going to miss you in the fall, MacGregor.

-I hear narcs are an endangered species.

-Well, they're not very bright.

You see, instead of migrating in the winter,

they fly up their own assholes and mate with themselves.

-And what comes out?

-MacGregor! -MacGregor!

-That's funny.

That's real funny.

You know, I'm a police officer.

And if I catch you smoking dope around the campus

one more time, your ass is mine.

-Oh, tough guy!

-Oh, no!

[Indistinct conversation]

-Punks.

-So, the dope-smoking campus cop MacGregor is now a suspect,

but something tells me the music teacher wearing

a baby blue polyester leisure suit,

singing "Who Can I Turn To" and talking about his days

performing in sketchy lounges is not the slasher.

That is veteran character actor Richard Balin,

still working today, as far as I know,

telling Linnea Quigley, "I call this my little cobra."

Apparently, some of the other hot chicks in the school

who want sex with the cool music teacher,

Mr. Roberts, are jealous of Linnea.

And so they're taping the aardvarking.

Is that what happened, Darcy?

Is that how we had that tape sound?

A lot of sex going on in this school.

-Oh, you also have the principal promising sex

to his secretary, if she'll type six letters.

-Yeah, six letters, and you get sex.

Yeah, weird, right?

All the women are horny as hell in this movie.

Linnea even says, "I'm so horny," to Tony

there on the park bench right... -Respect.

-...before we get reprimanded by the deputy dog campus cop.

The secretary, they call her Blondie

in the movie, is E.J. Peaker.

And she was actually married

to the principal, Michael Pataki, in real life.

But by the time this movie came around,

they were already divorced.

But E.J. Peaker is an Oklahoma girl,

musical theater specialist.

She arrived in Hollywood in 1964,

landed a role in the movie version of "Hello Dolly."

And Michael Pataki,

remember the last time we had Michael Pataki on the show.

-Mm-hmm. He was the boyfriend in "The Baby."

-Yeah, the skin freak in "The Baby,"

really the only male character in that movie.

I talked about him at length

in our season four episode with "The Baby,"

so watch that if you want the total rundown on Michael Pataki.

But he was one of the hardest working character actors

in Hollywood in the '60s, '70s, '80s, '90s.

Probably his most famous role was in "Grave of the Vampire."

But he was also Doctor Hoffman in

"Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers.

And you always have to give the full name of "Halloween 4."

And we know the reason why, don't we?

Don't we, Darcy?

-Because "Halloween 3" is amazing,

and you don't want people to be disappointed when they

find out that the "Halloween 3" characters

aren't coming back for part four, right?

-No. No, that is not the reason

that they put Michael Myers' name

in the "Halloween 4" subtitle.

Anyway, I should also mention, out of the hundreds of movies

that Michael Pataki was involved with,

he directed two films for Charles Band...

-Shut up. -...in the '70s,

"Mansion of the Doomed," and the musical sex comedy

version of "Cinderella" starring Rainbow Smith.

He almost always played his role sleazy, you know?

Died in 2010 at the age of 72.

Alright, so Linnea Quigley,

who's having sex with the dorky music teacher

to get a passing grade and then having sex with Tony

because Tony's the best cocksman in school.

I think that was the reason, Darcy, right?

-I mean, who can resist the best cocksman?

-Right.

So Linnea got this part

because the original actress hired

to play a character named Diane,

she's actually the actress pictured in the track team photo

that they keep going back to

in order to cross out the killer victims.

That actress refused to do her nude scenes.

And so they called up Linnea and Linnea said no problem.

When do you want me?

And so the character of Dolores was created

after the movie had already started filming

with a character named Diane. Alright.

Let's get back to the Camp classic "Graduation Day."

Role it.

What would you do, Darcy, if a producer

called you up and said,

"Hey, one of our actresses dropped out

and we need somebody to come in and get naked

and seduce the music teacher and seduce one

of the students and smoke some pot and have sex

and run through the woods and die?"

-I feel like you know what I'd do.

-You would say, "When do I show up?" Right?

-Freakin' dream role, man.

-Alright, I think Linnea got a lot of parts

because you never had to worry about it.

You know, yeah, it's Linnea.

She'll get naked, you know?

-And I told you I would flash in the graduation ceremony

because it would be a fitting tribute to Linnea.

She would want it. -Darcy, Darcy, believe me,

we all want to see that, but the high sheriffs

do not want to see tributes to Linnea.

And in fact, the reindeer antlers thing that we did...

-It was a tribute to Linnea. -And they didn't care.

-What if it, like, happened "accidentally"?

-Accidentally? Yeah, what do they call that?

-A wardrobe malfunction. -Right.

Like, Janet Jackson at the Super Bowl, that kind of thing.

-Exactly.

-You mean, like, a gust of wind blew your gown open,

and you had to hurriedly close it back

because you were embarrassed? -Something like that, yeah.

-Darcy, do not even go there.

Do not even think about doing that.

-Just be prepared in case you know,

something happened, you know?

-Oh, man.

There is no wind in the studio, Darcy.

-I mean, there's some big old doors over there

that can be opened up. -Nope.

-Just saying. -And you're scaring me.

-Good. [Laughter]

♪

[Static]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-[Screams]

[Gasps]

[Machine whirring]

-What the hell?

Are you crazy?

These are precision instruments.

You could snap a blade.

-I didn't touch your machines.

-Oh, you didn't?

-I didn't come here to play games, Michaels.

-Then what'd you come here for, to point a finger at a killer?

Well, go ahead.

Everybody else in town has.

-Maybe they know something.

-They don't know nothing.

All the years I gave them winners, they loved me.

And one accident.

One accident where a child gets a blood clot,

and it's my fault, and I'm out on my ass.

-I'd say you were getting off easy.

-Listen, I didn't kill your sister.

-Oh, no?

-I loved her.

-Loved? You -- You rotten bastard.

You and your stupid track team,

you pushed her and you killed her.

-I didn't kill anybody!

I gave my life to Laura, to all my kids.

Yeah, I pushed them.

I yelled at them.

But that didn't mean I didn't care for them.

I spent four years with Laura.

I molded her.

I shaped her.

She -- she was precision.

She was power.

-Like a machine.

-[Sighs]

Look, I'm sorry, miss.

I got a lot to do.

What was it you wanted anyway?

-I came for an answer.

I think I've got it.

We'll meet again, Michaels.

-Yeah, I guess we will.

-Ralph, where are you going? Go to the TV station yet?

-I'm on my way there right now, if you girls

will give me back my ball.

-Oh, so you're going to the TV station.

-Do you want your ball?

-Ralph wants his ball back.

-Here.

-What's the matter, Ralph?

No balls of your own?

-Girls, I have no time for this nonsense.

My public awaits me.

-He wants his ball.

-Aw.

-[Giggling]

♪

♪

-Crazy broads.

Hi.

Give me my ball.

♪

Give me my goddamn ball.

Hey, give me my ball.

♪

[Grunts]

♪

♪

♪

[Playing harmonica]

♪

[Cheering]

-♪ I saw Tommy in the hall, playing with his best ♪

♪ He said he was taking off teaching us a lesson ♪

♪ And I am taking you, too

[Singing continues]

-♪ Graduation day blues

-♪ You know, you Bills and Bobs and you ♪

♪ Back lot slobs with the summer jobs ♪

♪ Know the next one's going to last your whole life ♪

♪ I know it isn't pretty but it's true ♪

♪ That's why I'm talking...

-♪ Graduation day blues

-♪ Good-bye, dear high school

[High-pitched] Honey, what are you going to do?

[Deep voice] Gee, I'd just kind of like to know your plans, son.

♪ Forget decisions

[Cheering]

♪ Don't say we're growing up because it's not true ♪

♪ Old man, we've still got too much else to do ♪

♪ And me, I'm not ready for the shock ♪

♪ That's why I'm talking graduation day blues ♪

[Cheers and applause]

[Indistinct conversations]

♪

♪

-Listen, coach. I'm really sorry.

I really am.

-Well, well, Coach Michaels.

Looks like you had yourself a pretty good deal,

didn't you, surrounded by all that fine young stuff.

You got lipstick on you.

Too bad you blew it.

Don't treat me like shit, coach.

Remember, I could hurt you bad if I put my mind to it.

Son of a bitch.

♪

♪

♪

-♪ Alright, yeah, yeah

-So, what's this?

You're off, and I find you with Sue?

-We're just friends.

[Felony's "Gangster Rock" playing]

[Man singing]

-♪ I've laid awake many of nights ♪

♪ Many a times I've thought

♪ Will I ever found the answer ♪

♪ To what I'm thinking of?

♪ So I just keep on thinking

♪ And doing the gangster rock

-♪ The gangster rock

♪ The gangster rock

-♪ Yeah

♪

♪ Now, some people aren't so lonely ♪

♪ Others aren't so blessed

♪ Only difference would be

♪ Childhood you had

♪ Well, I must be rocking with Elvis ♪

♪ King of the rhythm and blues

[Man singing]

♪

-♪ The gangster rock -♪ Whoo

-♪ The gangster rock

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-I'm going to nail your ass tonight.

-That's what you think.

-I'm going to. I'm serious.

-Maybe if you're lucky. -Oh, yeah?

-♪ Alright

♪

♪ Alright, yeah, yeah

♪

[Singing continues]

♪ But I've laid awake many of nights ♪

♪ Many of times I've thought

♪ Will I ever found the answer ♪

♪ To what I'm thinking of?

♪ So I just keep on thinking

♪ And doing the gangster rock

-♪ The gangster rock

♪ The gangster rock

-♪ Yeah

-Hey, what's wrong? Did I do something?

-No. I gotta do something.

-♪ Now, some people aren't so lonely ♪

♪ Others aren't so blessed

-You know, it's a really nice night tonight.

It must be nice to be a boy.

You can piss anywhere you want to.

-The world's my toilet.

-God.

[Man singing]

[Eerie rumbling]

-♪ The gangster rock

♪

♪

-Tony?

♪

Tony?

♪

Stop puttering around.

♪

♪

♪

[Gasping]

♪

Oh, my God.

[Whimpering]

Help!

[Man singing]

♪

-♪ But I've laid awake many of nights ♪

♪ Many of times I've thought

♪ Will I ever found the answer ♪

♪ To what I'm thinking of?

♪ So I just keep on thinking

♪ And doing the gangster rock

-♪ The gangster rock

♪ The gangster rock

-♪ Yeah

♪

[Dog barks] -[Screams]

♪

-♪ Others aren't so blessed

♪ Only difference would be

♪ Childhood you had

♪ Well, I must be rocking with Elvis ♪

♪ King of the rhythm and blues

[Man singing]

♪

-♪ The gangster rock -♪ Whoo

-♪ The gangster rock

♪

-[Screams]

♪

♪

[Microphone feedback]

♪

-♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

[Music stops]

-Okay, did this just become a new wave roller boogie musical

with somebody attaching a football to a spear

and hurling it through a football players stomach?

And again, isn't the slasher supposed

to be killing the track team, not the football team.

-Slashers. -And then the overstretched

breakdancing Tony getting his head sliced off,

leaving Linnea Quigley to run heedlessly through the woods

while a band called Felony... -Whoo!

-...dressed up like 1920s gangsters.

You're a Felony fan. -I am a Felony fan

because of this movie. -Oh, man, sings the song

"Gangster Rock" and makes us forget

that a few minutes before now there was a hootenanny

or something with a dude playing harmonica

for the song "Graduation Blues."

And just in case you haven't been bizarred out yet,

you should know that the guy playing harmonica

is Grant Loud from the Loud family,

featured in the 1973 documentary American family

about the Loud family of Santa Barbara, California,

which was -- that was sort of the first ever reality show.

So, where do I start? Alright.

How about the 7.5 minute version of Gangster Rock?

-Yeah. -While the roller skaters

are circling the band.

The band Felony worked for free in exchange

for having publishing rights to the songs that were used.

I think the only one they used was "Gangster Rock,"

which they never recorded and was never published.

But they would go on to have their 15 minutes of fame

and be featured on Dick Clark's "American Bandstand"

after their song "The Fanatic" was used

on the soundtrack of "Valley Girl"

and rose to number 42 on the charts

before crashing back to Earth.

The band broke up in 1992

after, sadly, the lead singer Jeffrey Scott Spry

committed suicide. -Aw.

-Um, the spear- in-the-football kill.

Let me ask you, Darcy. You're the expert on kills.

What did you think of the spearing of the football player

with his jury-rigged football.

-That was friggin' cool. I loved it.

-[Sighs] -What? That was cool.

-Darcy, you can't throw a football with a spear in it.

Much less make the spear go through someone's body

just with the force of your arm in the football.

-It was a very cool kill.

-And we're supposed to think the killer rigged the spear

in the football during the 20 seconds

that the ball was lost in the bushes.

-Absolutely. Slasher Logic.

-What about the beheading part?

-Excellent. -I didn't see much blood

when that head flies off. [Laughter]

-But I love the way the head somersaulted through the air.

-Somersaulted? -Yeah.

-Can a head somersault? -A twirl.

It's a somersault. What do you want?

-Alright, then we had that weird scene

where Anne goes to the wood shop,

because, I guess,

besides being the track coach and the gymnastics coach

and the football coach,

Christopher George is also the shop teacher.

And he calls Anne's sister a "precision instrument."

And she gets all pissed off and sort of threatens him.

And by the way, who is the main character in the movie?

Is it Anne? Is it Christopher George?

I don't know who we're supposed to identify with in this movie.

-It's Anne.

-But she's kind of a loony tune.

I mean, that actress is Patch Mackenzie,

who would do quite a bit of TV in the '70s and '80s

and then become an acting coach and a talent manager.

And our audience might know her from "It's Alive III,"

or maybe not.

And of course, Christopher George,

we hadn't talked about him since we showed "Pieces"...

-Whoo! -Back in 2018

on the original marathon.

"Pieces" would end up being his next to the last movie.

I think his last movie was "Mortuary."

Anyway, son of Greek immigrants,

quit high school to join the Marines,

started acting in TV commercials,

did a "Streetcar named Desire" on Broadway,

became a good friend of John Wayne,

appeared in several movies with him,

starred in the TV series "Rat Patrol"

where he got injured in a stunt gone awry.

Oh, wait a minute. We did talk about him again.

We featured him in "Grizzly."

I always forget he starred in "Grizzly."

He often appeared with his wife, Lynda Day George.

We know him from "Enter the Ninja."

-Okay. -"City of the Living Dead."

Died in 1983 at the age of 52,

heart attack caused by complications from that stunt

where he got injured on "Rat Patrol."

-No way. -Okay, they have finally

stopped singing "Gangster Rock." [Laughter]

We got three more dead bodies, including Linnea Quigley.

Were three people killed during that one song?

I think so.

And by the way,

that was the director Herb Freed,

actually chasing Linnea Quigley through the woods.

But now we can continue with our quest

to find out who's killing all the athletes.

Maybe it's Grant Loud.

Maybe it's the lead singer of "Gangster Rock."

-Ooh. -Let's find out.

Roll the flick.

This whole movie was filmed at La Cañada High School

in La Cañada Flintridge, California.

You know where that is? -I do.

-The woods that they use are right there by the school.

And the only time they left campus

is to go to the house of Laura's parents

and the house of Kevin the boyfriend,

and those were, you may have noticed, ginormous houses.

Those houses were in Pasadena.

But that whole area around the Rose Bowl

is kind of a fancy area, but it kind of fits this movie

because the cast comes off as rich kids, don't you think?

-Oh, for sure.

-And it's spoiled rich kids,

so you don't mind so much when they get hacked up.

Is that a trope in slashers?

-That the victims are privileged?

-I think it is, right?

-I mean, in high school slashers, more often than not.

You don't have a whole lot of trailer park trash

getting killed in high school horror.

-Yeah.

Unless it's something like "Mountaintop Motel Massacre,"

you know, the hillbilly name.

-For sure.

I just meant, high school strictly.

-Yeah. -High school horror

is all about the smart aleck students.

-I defer to your superior knowledge.

-Shut up.

-I'm not even being sarcastic.

-I feel like you are. [Laughter]

♪

[Static]

[School bell rings] -No, Mrs. Harris. No.

I'm not saying you're wrong.

No, no.

I'm not saying you're right.

Well, yes.

Yes, of course you can count on that.

Look. Yes.

Yes. Yes.

Definitely.

She'll be there at 4 o'clock.

Absolutely.

Now, she's not about to miss graduation exercises.

Yes. Yes.

Yes. That I promise you.

Yes. You bet.

Bye-bye.

[Buzzer]

-It's Mrs. Fisk. She is fit to be tied.

Tony has not been home all night long.

Can you imagine that?

-Well, what does she want?

-Well, she's got to have someone to crab at,

and I guess I'm not important enough.

-Well, why me?

I don't know where her damn kid is.

-Well, tell her that. She's on line two.

-Tell her what?

-If I knew what to tell these parents, I'd have your job.

-Listen, I really don't -- I really don't have

the time today, Blondie.

You just tell her I'm not here.

-I do a lot for you, Mr. Guglione,

Lord knows, but lying is not one of them.

Lie to her.

-Yes, Mrs. Fisk?

How are y-- Yes.

Yes. Yes, I did hear.

Well, apparently some of the -- some of the kids

didn't -- they didn't get home last night.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Well, I-I am.

And, well, I'm not.

Yes. Yes, they are.

Well, good kids.

Sure, all of them.

Yes.

All from the same track team.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh, judging by the calls.

Yes. Yes, I agree. I agree.

Well, I certainly would if they were mine.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yes.

I certainly will, Mrs. Fisk.

Good-bye, dear.

Ugh.

Why are those little bastards doing this to me?

[Telephone ringing] It's their graduation, not mine.

You know, I feel like calling the whole thing off.

-Mrs. Johnson's on the phone. Apparently Ralph --

-I don't want to speak to any more parents.

I got 1,000 people waiting for me at 4 o'clock,

and I've got to put on a good show.

-Just a moment. Just a moment, Mrs. Johnson.

Mr. Guglione's office.

Yes, he is. He's right here.

He'll be with you in a moment.

-I told you I didn't want to speak to any more people.

Now, you tell the truth on your time, damn it!

Are you there, Mr. Guglione?

It's Mrs. Brentwood, Paula's mother.

-[Screaming] -She wants to talk to you, too.

[Camera shutter clicks]

[Indistinct conversations]

-Wait. Wait, wait. We gotta take another picture.

[Students groaning] -Come on, one more time.

One more time. One more time.

Just hold on.

-If you ever come out to the club, you know, come see me.

-Really? -Yeah.

I'd be happy to have you there.

I could tell everybody you were one of my students.

-Oh.

I'd love to, Mr. Roberts.

[Buzzing]

-I'm not here, Blondie.

Period.

Tell them jokes.

Tell them lies.

Tell those damn parents whatever you want to, but tell

them to stop bugging me.

You got that?

Good.

-Mr. Guglione.

-Who let you in?

-I let myself in. -Who are you?

What do you want?

-Inspector Halliday, police.

-Halliday? Police?

You don't look Irish.

-I'm Lebanese.

-You look Italian.

-You look Lebanese.

-Sit down. Can I get you a cup of coffee?

-No, thanks.

The truth is, Mr. Guglione, I really hate schools.

I'd like to do my report and get out of here.

-Well, what can I do for you?

-Well, we've had a few calls from hysterical parents.

It seems a few of your seniors never made it home last night.

-You mean those kids on the track team.

-What do you know about it?

-Inspector, today is graduation day.

Those kids are being kicked out of the nest, so to speak.

From now on, it's fly or fall on their own.

They were probably just out raising hell.

Why? Why are their parents so upset?

That's what I don't understand.

-Neither do I. That's why I'm here.

[Indistinct conversations]

-Hey, Chief. What's the good word?

-Where's your badge?

-Must have lost it.

-Here's a list of home rooms.

Check them out, alright?

-Got you covered.

What if -- what if they're not there?

-Then you write in your report "not there."

-Do you want me to look for them?

-No, MacGregor, we're here to make a report, that's all.

About a bunch of inconsiderate, irresponsible kids

about to fly out of their nest and shit all

over the rest of us, alright?

So make it and let's go, huh?

I get claustrophobia just being around schools.

-I got you covered.

-[Breathing steadily]

♪

♪

[Screaming]

♪

[Clock ticking]

♪

♪

♪

-Impressive, isn't it?

-It's too bad about Coach Michaels.

-Yes. Yes, it is. It is a pity.

He was a fine coach.

But that's the way it is in public life.

You're only as good as your last mistake.

Sobering thought, isn't it?

How's your report coming?

-I'm working on it.

♪

♪

♪

♪

Coach Michaels? I'm Inspector Halliday.

Uh, six seniors didn't make it home last night.

Would you know anything about that?

-No.

-You didn't see anything? You didn't hear anything?

There's nothing you can tell me?

-No.

-They were all on your track team.

-I don't have a team.

-How do you mean that?

-In case you haven't heard, I've been canned.

-I heard.

-Good.

Will you excuse me?

If there's nothing else, I have to finish packing.

-Sure.

I'll see you at the graduation ceremonies.

♪

♪

-No, there's no need to worry.

They're probably out just planning,

you know, like, a big, big graduation day surprise.

That's all, ma'am.

-Oh, wow. That was quick.

Okay, so, if your kid doesn't come home

at night, what do you do?

You call the school principal, right?

You don't call the police. [Laughter]

Although the police do show up in the form

of Inspector Halliday.

So, yeah, let's introduce yet another meaningless character

like the music teacher.

And how about that pole vaulter kill?

-Yeah. -Yeah.

That was not just any pole vaulter.

That was Tom Hintnaus, the number one

pool vaulter at the U.S. Olympic trials in 1980.

-Shut up. -Unfortunately, the U.S.

boycotted the Olympics that year,

so he never got to go for the gold.

But who would want a gold medal

when you've already been immortalized in "Graduation Day"

as the dude who was so focused on clearing the bar

that he didn't realize he was about to land

on 37 giant metal spikes.

So...

[Laughter]

Good kill, Darcy? -It was awesome.

What are you talking about? -I should mention --

I should mention that the gore effects

were all created by Jill Rockow

who also did the effects in "Beyond Evil."

And she is yet another female in the mostly all male world

of special effects makeup.

She went on to win primetime Emmys

for "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine,"

and "The Shining" mini series.

And that's also her work in "Deadly Eyes"

and the always popular

"Friday the 13th: Final Chapter."

-Whoo. -Okay, Darcy,

are you ready to graduate?

-I am so ready.

-Alright, you got time to collect your thoughts

because the movie is going to end

two or three times now. [Laughter]

-I love the ending.

-Which ending? -You know what I mean?

-Well, except for the lame kung fu ending,

I do know what you mean.

-It's adorable.

-They released this flick in the Los Angeles market

right at high school graduation time in 1981,

and it killed at the box office.

In fact, it did so well that during the rest of its run

as it moved around the country, it was usually

on a double feature with John Carpenter's "The Thing."

And for a lot of that time, it was outgrossing "The Thing."

Unfortunately, if you only have 200 prints,

you can only release it on graduation day in one place.

And then you have diminishing returns by the time

you get to New York and it's wintertime, you know?

I got put on the, um, this movie got put on

the Video Nasty list in the UK. -What?

-I know, right? -For what?

It was put on the Video Nasty list,

so it didn't do so well over in the UK.

But it's probably Herb Freed's most successful movie.

He would go on to make six more movies,

including "Tomboy" with Betsy Russell,

"Survival Game" with Mike Norris,

son of Chuck Norris.

And his latest movie was in 1999, "Paradise Lost,"

which is an Amazon rainforest mystery.

The most successful participant

to come out a graduation day was, of course, Vanna White.

The last time I checked,

she was pulling in $15 million a year

just in slot machine royalties. -Dang, girl.

-Remember the newspaper cameraman who takes

the team picture and he takes pictures

of the gymnast on the uneven bars.

That's Aaron Butler.

He was the casting director for the film,

and he would go on to drive-in immortality

as the screenwriter of the women in prison classic

"Chained Heat." -Yeah. Whoo!

-And as we head toward the many faceted conclusions

of "Graduation Day,"

I want everybody to keep in mind

the philosophy of the band Felony.

Well, I never find the answer to what I'm thinking of,

so I just keep on thinking and doing the gangster rock.

-Fuck, yeah. -That was the lyric.

-Like I don't know.

-Whenever you don't understand,

do the gangster rock.

-Wisdom. -Roll it.

I've decided to trust you, Darcy.

-How so?

-I'm trusting that whatever you are wearing under that gown

will not get us into trouble.

-Oh, sir. You should never trust me.

-I know. That's what I thought.

Free the nipple.

You know, let's wait

until we pass the 28th amendment to the Constitution,

the Free the Nipple Amendment,

and then you can do whatever you want.

-Sometimes we can't wait on history.

We have to make our own. -Who said that?

Really? Who said that? Thomas Payne?

We can't wait on history.

-That's a Darcy MG original.

-Oh, okay.

[Laughter]

♪

[Static]

-Do you believe her?

She thinks she's such hot stuff.

-I know it.

-What do you think she's going to wear to that party?

-She's a bitch.

-She's gonna be miss prima donna,

like she's really something.

-Yeah, I know.

I can't stand people like that.

-I can't stand her.

-Oh, God.

I hope I don't have to see her next year.

-Joanne. -What?

-Joanne, come here.

-What?

-Look at this.

Look.

It's blood.

-What is it?

-It is. It's blood.

♪

[Both screaming]

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Both screaming]

♪

-No, no!

-Go get help, quick.

♪

-Help! -Help me! Help!

Get the police!

-Coach Michaels killed Sally.

Get the police! Come quick!

-I'm going to make sure you don't get away this time.

-Coach is trying to kill us!

-Who's holding the coach?

-[Screaming]

Please help!

♪

♪

-[Grunting]

♪

♪

♪

-Kevin, are you all right?

-Coach Michaels, you've got to get him.

Coach -- -Is it broken?

Oh, you're bleeding.

Oh, I'm sorry. -It's alright.

-What did he do to you? -Don't worry about it.

-Inspector, can't you cover that girl up?

-Find something to cover the body.

-What? -I don't know.

A towel, a shower curtain, something.

-I'm all right.

Is it broken? -No, it's all right.

Please.

-Miss?

Could I see you a minute?

Do you know who these people are?

-Yes. It's the track team.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-I'm going to make you pay, Michaels.

I'm going to make you pay.

-You don't understand nothing.

-Kevin, don't try to do this alone!

-You hear that, Michaels?

You hear that? They're coming to get you.

They're coming to get you, Michaels.

Your killing days are over.

-Shut up! -Over here!

Over here, everybody! Come on, Michaels!

♪

♪

♪

-Kevin!

Detective.

We've got to find them.

-Who are you? What's your stake in all this?

♪

♪

-[Grunts]

♪

♪

-You don't understand.

I've never killed anybody in my life.

It's all been a terrible mistake.

-Don't play innocent with me, Michaels.

I was there.

I saw you kill her.

-What are you talking about?

-You killed Laura.

You all killed her.

And now you've all got to be punished.

-You killed Sally?

-Sally, Ralph, Diane,

Paula, Tony, Pete!

♪

All of them.

Yeah, that's right.

You all had to be punished.

But I saved the best for last, didn't I, Michaels?

Because you're the only one left.

And you're the best for last.

30 seconds.

That's all it took.

Just 30 seconds from the time you

first pushed Laura in the race until you

and the others killed her.

Just 30 seconds.

Come on, Laura!

Come on, you can do it.

Come on, just a little bit more!

Move your ass, Laura!

Come on, 28 seconds.

30 seconds and...

you're dead.

Did you know my whole life was changed in just 30 seconds.

We were going to be married.

Laura and me, married.

Today, just after graduation.

Today!

Today, Michaels!

♪

Michaels!

[Gunshots]

♪

♪

-Kevin, are you all right?

-He -- he killed -- I tried to get him to tell you, but he --

-I know. We know. It's all right now. I know.

-Kevin, do you think you can make it to the station?

I'd like you to make a statement.

-Yeah. -What kind of a statement?

-Just for the record.

Exactly what happened, what you saw, what he said to you.

Maybe you can help us make some sense out of this mess.

-I'll go with you. -No. No.

Look, I don't want you getting involved. Please.

I'll go.

-I mean, did you ever see anything so awful in your life?

You never know.

You work with people day after day, week after week,

month after month, year after --

-Blondie. Blondie. -What?

-Could you get Laura's trophy for me?

I want to make sure I have it before I leave tomorrow.

-Laura Ramstead's trophy?

-Yes.

-Kevin Badger picked it up with her diploma.

-Are you sure? -Well, sure I'm sure.

This morning.

In fact, he said that you said that you wanted him to.

You did, didn't you?

I mean, Kevin's not the kind of boy that would lie, is he?

-No.

No, of course not.

Thank you, Blondie.

Thank you. -Sure.

[Clock ticking]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-Excuse me.

I didn't know anyone was --

[Screams]

♪

♪

-Grandma can't hear you.

And Laura really prefers it quiet.

Don't you, sweetheart?

You see?

♪

You wouldn't believe how awful they were to her.

They just stuck her in the ground

and pretended like she -- like she never existed.

Nobody would even talk about her?

You couldn't mention her name.

But I set them straight.

Now they're all dead and gone, and Laura's

here with me forever.

I'm glad you're the one that's here, Anne.

I want you to be the first one to kiss the bride.

-The bride? -Well, sure.

We're going to get married just after graduation,

just like we planned.

♪

I thought you loved her.

What kind of a sister are you?

She's your own flesh and blood.

You're as bad as the others.

You want to try and hurt my Laura, too.

You don't deserve to live either.

♪

You want to try and hurt my Laura, don't you?

Admit it.

Come on, Anne.

You don't love her.

You never loved her.

I'm going to have to teach you, too.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Crowd chanting "Laura!"]

♪

♪

-[Screaming]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-[Grunts]

♪

♪

-[Screams]

♪

[Screaming]

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Chord strikes]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-Terrible. Just terrible.

What more can you say?

Oh, Anne, honey, couldn't you stay just a little while more?

-I have to be on that plane first thing tomorrow morning.

I'm sorry, Mama.

I really am.

-Where's my vodka, damn it?

-Good night, honey.

[Dog barking]

♪

[Bell tolling]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-[Screams]

♪

♪

-Dug up from the grave.

-You did.

Woke her up?

-What you ever come here for?

Trouble.

Never nothing but trouble.

-Aren't you ashamed?

You woke up Anne in the middle of the night.

Come on, honey.

Let's go beddy-bye.

Say good night, everybody.

You have to forgive Ronald.

He's been through a lot.

Sleep tight.

Don't let the bed bugs bite.

♪

♪

[Engine starts]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Stopwatch clicks]

-"Graduation Day" basically has four endings.

One, Kevin chases the coach and Inspector Halliday

shoots the wrong guy.

Two, Anne discovers the dead body

of her sister in Kevin's room.

Three, Kevin chases Anne across the athletic field,

gets kung fu'ed and spiked.

And four, Anne has that shock nightmare

where she sees a knife-wielding Kevin,

but it's really her vodka-wielding stepdad.

And then we never get to the actual graduation day ceremony.

But we don't make mistakes like that at "The Last Drive-In."

Are you ready, Maestro?

Welcome, 2024 graduates

of the Briggs High School of Exploitation Center.

Whether you have studied online

or studied here at the campus in Senoia, Georgia,

I want you to know that you are the future of horror

and you are the future of American film

and horror film for that matter.

So please come forward now to receive your diplomas.

And always remember, follow the money.

["Pomp and Circumstance" playing]

[Joe Bob singing]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-[Laughs] Yeah!

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-♪ The gangster rock

-Congratulations. -Whoo!

[Cheers and applause]

-Supposed to throw your hat, not my hat.

Okay, congratulations, Darcy. -Whoo!

You are graduated. -You did it!

-[Laughs] Okay, now have a seat because --

-Oh, we have more to do? -Yeah, have a seat 'cause

I have some bad news for you.

-Alright. What?

-Um, you got an incomplete.

-What?

-You got an incomplete in A24 horror,

and so you have to make it up in summer school.

-Does that mean we're doing summer school?

-Yeah, we are.

-Just like old school "MonsterVision?"

-Yeah, just like it. [Cheers and applause]

Three summer school sessions beginning June 7.

-I'll be there. Yay.

-Do you feel ready to conquer the world now?

-Didn't you just say I'm the superintendent of schools?

-Well, yes, you are. Yeah, I did say that.

-Then I am ready to design the summer school curriculum.

-Well, let's not go that far.

-I'm gonna tell you what to teach and what to show.

-You will? -Oh, I will.

And I have to take care of the Mutant students.

-Alright. And speaking of the Mutants,

thanks everybody for the overwhelming support

we've had for this latest season of "The Last Drive-In."

I'm Joe Bob Briggs with Darcy the Mail Girl,

Professor Darcy the Mail Girl I guess now,

reminding you that a closed mouth gathers no feet.

And the drive-in will never die.

-Oh, okay. Smart. [Laughter]

-A horse walks into a bar.

Bartender says, "Hey."

Horse says, "Sure."

[Laughter]

-Go back to school. -Okay.

Here's another one. Here's another one.

The sky was looking ominous,

so I got my phone out, and I said, "Siri, surely

it's not going to rain today.

And she replied, "Yes, it is, and don't call me Shirley."

And that's when I realized I left my phone on airplane mode.

[Laughter]

-You can tell the diehard "Airplane" fans.

[Laughter]

-♪ We are drive-in mutants

-♪ Drive-in mutants

-♪ We are not like other people ♪

♪ We are sick -♪ Sick

-♪ We are disgusting -♪ Disgusting

-♪ We believe in, we believe in ♪

-♪ Blood

♪ And breasts

♪ And beasts

-♪ Yeah, we believe in

-♪ Blood

♪ And breasts

♪ And beasts

-♪ If life had a vomit meter -♪ Vomit meter

-♪ We'd be off the scale -♪ Off the scale

-♪ As long as one drive-in remains on the planet Earth ♪

♪ We will party like jungle animals ♪

♪ We will boogie till we puke

-♪ Boogie till we puke

-♪ The drive-in will never die

♪ We will boogie till we puke

-♪ Boogie till we puke

-♪ The drive-in will never die

-♪ We believe in

♪ Blood

♪ And breasts

♪ And beasts

-♪ We believe in

-♪ Blood

♪ And breasts

♪ And beasts

-♪ Yeah, we believe in

-Made in Georgia.