All language subtitles for The Last Drive-In with Joe Bob Briggs S28E05 Graduation Day 720p AMZN WEB-DL DDP2 0 H 264-BFM_track3_[eng]

♪

-♪ Hey, everybody,
have you heard the news? ♪

♪ Joe Bob is back in town

♪ He's over at the drive-in,
hanging around ♪

♪ Watching crazy movies,
so come on down ♪

♪ To Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ Blood, beasties,
boobies, and more ♪

♪ Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's a spooky good time
with monsters and ghosts ♪

♪ Crazy, kooky fun with
the world's greatest host ♪

♪ Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's gonna be legendary

♪ Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's gonna be very scary

♪ Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ Let's go

♪

[Static]

-So I have this question
about kung fu.

-Go for it.

-Welcome to "The Last Drive-in,"
by the way.

We got kung fu tonight.

-Wait, what? We do?

-Yeah, we have kung fu.

We have lame Kung fu
in the final act.

But I have this question
about kung fu.

And the movie, by the way,
is "Graduation Day."

-Whoo.

-It is graduation time in
all the high schools of America,

and we're honoring the graduates
of American high schools

by passing out free cannabis
in the states where it's legal.

-Are we?
-Not really.

-Oh.
-Although that would be another

question that I have.

Why in all '80s movies
is there a weed smoking scene?

At least one weed smoking scene
in every slasher film,

starting with the foundation
film, "Halloween," 1978.

-I feel like it's
because it was risqué

and naughty at the time,
you know?

It's like Randy taught us
in the classic "Scream."

It's the sin factor.
-[Sighs]

-You know some bad shit is gonna
go down if they're sinning.

-Alright, well, if it's
in "Scream" it's gospel, right?

-Exactly.
-In Darcy world.

Darcy the Mail Girl,
ladies and gentlemen,

with us as always.
-Ah.

-To field your messages
throughout the evening.

And tonight,

we're going to stage your
actual high school graduation

because you never graduated
high school.

-Thanks for that.
-So we're gonna give you

a diploma from
the Briggs High School

of Exploitation Cinema Studies.

-And I will be honored
to accept it.

-Alright, John Brennan,
are you back there?

Do you know how
to play that song

that they always play at --
-"Pomp and Circumstance."

-Oh, you know the actual name
of the song?

-Composed by Sir Edward
William Elgar in 1901.

-Wow, okay.
I'm glad I asked.

-"Pomp and Circumstance
March number one."

-Thanks for the clarification.

-In the key of D.
-Okay, so we're gonna play that.

-They don't play
the whole thing, though.

They only play the trio section.

-Okay.
Thank you, John Brennan.

-And the trio section

is named "Land
of Hope and Glory."

-Okay, good --
good graduation song trivia.

We got it.
-[Tuning kazoo]

-It's some kind of
British Empire anthem.

We rule the world.
Colonialism is cool.

Hail to the conquering --

-[Playing "Pomp and
Circumstance"]

-Wonderful sentiments for
graduating high school seniors.

What are you doing, John?

Okay, John.

Later. That's good.
I'm glad you know the tune.

-That was so good.

-Yeah, okay.
Thank you, John.

-Okay, so when we do those --
-Yeah.

-Just gonna run it by you.

Is it okay
if I flash real quick?

-What do you mean flash?

-I just thought if
I ever walked across the stage

to get a diploma,
I'd kind of like, pom,

whip open my gown and,
like, flash the audience,

'cause I feel like that's
what they do in movies.

So, like,
I need to be that person in case

no one else did it.

-Okay. You mean
you want to streak.

-No, no, that's -- although...
-That would be very '80s.

-We can do that
too if you join me,

but I did not mean take
off the whole gown.

I meant just a quick,
whoo, boobies.

It could up the boob count.

-So you would be naked
under the cap and gown?

-Yeah, I mean,
that's what people do, right?

I've seen it in movies.

-Well, I can ask the
high sheriffs at the first break

if we can do that,
you know, maybe a bikini.

-I kind of figured
it was gonna be a no,

but, you know, bikini's fine.
You get the point.

-[Playing "Pomp and
circumstance"]

-Okay, John.
Alright, John.

We will make the music fit
the occasion,

even if the music includes
a bikini.

Alright.
-So -- so it's okay to flash.

-You can bikini flash, okay?
-Cool.

-So, I have
this question about kung fu.

-I've heard.
-There is no excuse for

not having competent kung fu
in a movie.

I have personally witnessed
every type of kung fu in cinema,

full contact karate,
taekwondo, jujitsu,

kenpo, karate, Dragonfist
fighting, Mad Monkey kung fu,

trampoline somerset samurai.

Um, Hong Kong Kindo
spread eagle

triple reverse serpent
on a spear kickboxing,

open foot mustache bashing.

And ever since Bruce Lee
made "Enter the Dragon,"

which was what,
50 years ago?

When did he make
"Enter the Dragon"?

Ever since then,

Hollywood has been full
of accomplished martial arts

stunt guys and stunt gals.

And we had that long period

where there were about 97
martial arts stars,

and everybody that won an ESPN
foot clobbering tournament

got a movie contract.

So all those guys stayed
in Hollywood,

and they either teach martial
arts or they run stunt teams.

-[Snickers]
So, what's your question?

-Here's my question.
-Okay.

Every time you talk to one
of these black belts

or you see one in the flicks,

they start talking about
how kung fu is meant

for self-defense only.

In other words,
they do it to protect themselves

from psychokillers
on the street.

So the kung fu masters tell
you they don't do it to fight.

They do it to avoid fighting.
And in fact,

if somebody ever catches
them fighting for real

instead of defending themselves,

then they'll get shanghaied
and whipped with a wet noodle

by the grand wazoo
of kickboxing,

who's always this bald
headed guy with a long beard,

and he sits cross-legged
like Shirley MacLaine

on a mini series, and he calls
you a sniveling pile weasel

doo-doo,
if you do the wrong thing

and you pursue a lifestyle
of violence.

And so they all say this,
and they all mean it.

And so, here's my question.

How can you stand it?

I mean, wouldn't it be
like getting ready

to have sex for 40 years
but never having sex

but always being ready
to have it just in case?

I mean, what if nobody ever
comes up to you on the street

and picks a fight?

I mean, what if
you go through your whole life

and nobody jumps out
of a building onto your back

or tries to rape your sister
or beats up a little old lady

while you're crossing
the street?

I mean, it can happen.

It's not like we witnessed
17 crimes a day.

I mean, Wouldn't you
end up getting so desperate

that you'd go into the
meanest parts of East St. Louis,

just hoping something dangerous
would happen to you?

You know,
it's sort of the same principle

as when the cops tell you
to label all your belongings

in case a burglar steals them.

And so one day you decide
to do it.

You label everything.

But then the next week,
you buy a new stereo

and you throw out a bunch
of old stuff.

So now, half of your stuff's
labeled and half hidden,

and so you go, Oh,
what the hell?

You're already sick of it,
right?

You're not going to work
that hard just in case

a burglar shows up, right?

Same deal,
only these guys train every day.

So that eventually, just
in case somebody jumps them,

they can be ready
to kick his butt.

Don't they ever once just for a
minute, say, I got to kick butt.

I need to kick butt today.

Otherwise, it's like cleaning
your shotgun every day

of your life, but always eating
Swanson's frozen TV dinners.

You know what I mean?
[Laughter]

Anybody else
ever think about this?

-Um, I'm thinking that's a no.

But why are we talking
about martial arts

when this is so not a
martial arts movie?

-Well, because they try
to sell the ending

of this movie with kung fu.

And it's obviously not a person
who's ever practiced kung fu,

and they were too cheap
to hire stunt fu.

-Well, it's not the first time
that's ever happened.

-Well, I wouldn't care so much

if it wasn't the big
payoff climax scene.

There's no excuse for
not bringing in the kung fu guy

for the day or the
kung fu stunt man for the day

or the stunt woman or whatever.

-You know,
maybe we should watch the movies

and let the viewers decide.

-And that's exactly what
we're gonna do.

"Graduation day" is
the sensitive story of a prim

and proper Navy ensign,
who takes a leave of absence

to attend the funeral
of her sister

tragically killed during
a track meet shortly before

her high school graduation and
marriage ceremony.

As soon as Navy girl hits town,

the members of the track team
start dropping like extras

in a Fulci film,
stalked by a black-gloved killer

with a wicked sense of humor
and a stopwatch.

Sure, we've seen it before,

but have we seen it
with a 7.5 minute

roller boogie gangster rock
graphic death musical sequence

sung by the failed
New Wave band Felony?

-Felony rocks, man.
-I think not.

So let's look at those
Drive-in Totals and get started.

We have nine dead bodies,
six breasts,

one lecherous truck driver,

one drunken stepfather,
one abusive coach,

one sing-along of "Graduation
Day Blues" with harmonica,

One rowdy graduation practice,
one mummified graduate,

team photo smashing,
killer P.O.V. camera,

head rolls, spikes in the
pole vault landing pad,

gratuitous track and field
footage, gratuitous jogging,

gratuitous uneven bars,
gratuitous roller skating,

fencing sabre fu,
skewer-in-a-football fu,

dagger fu, kung fu, bimbo fu.

Drive-In Academy Award
nominations for Patch Mackenzie,

as the creepy sister
for disappearing halfway

through the movie after saying,
"You have lovely eyes.

My sister had eyes like yours.
She's dead now."

Michael Pataki
as Principal Guglione for acting

like he's in a screwball comedy
instead of a horror movie

and for telling the secretary,
"You tell the truth

on your own time."

E. Danny Murphy
as Kevin, Laura's boyfriend,

for keeping a photo album
of snapshots

of Laura's death
and for saying,

"Laura's still with me.

She'll always be with me."

Christopher George
as Coach Michaels,

the bully coach, for saying,
"Sally gets your little ass up

on those bars and go to work."

And Linnea Quigley
as party girl Dolores

for saying,
"Must be nice to be a boy.

You can piss anywhere
you want to."

Three stars.
Joe Bob says check it out.

-So there are six breasts
in this movie?

-Yes, six breasts, including
Linnea Quigley's breasts.

-Okay, but I can't flash.
[Laughter]

-Okay,
you make a very good point.

-Just saying.
-There is apparently

a corporate disconnect...
[laughs]

...between breasts in the movie
and breasts on the set.

-There's an actual
breast policy?

-I wouldn't call it a policy,

but garbanzos have
been discussed around here, yes.

-My garbanzos have
been discussed?

-Well, remember -- remember

when I impaled you
on reindeer antlers

for a "Silent Night,
Deadly Night 2?"

-Of course.

And they made me make
those weird scars to cover up.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

-Darcy, I realize you're
the chairperson

for the Free
the Nipple movement.

-And --
-I mean, it's a little bit

of a sore point for me.

It's like big inequality here.

-Well, despite the
rousing success of that movie,

"Free the Nipple" in 2013.
-"Rousing success."

-Well, I'm exaggerating.

But despite that movie and
the "Free the Nipple" rallies...

-Whoo!
-...the nipple in America

remains encased in legal cloth,

including in some cities,
even at topless bars,

which I don't know.

What's the point
of being a topless bar

if you're not topless?

-They don't even free
the nipple there.

-We can't even start with me
on this.

I'll be like you ranting
for hours.

So I was going to those
Free the Nipple

rallies way back
in the day before it was that.

It was called Boobs, Not Bombs.

-Boobs, Not Bombs?
-Mm-hmm.

Believe me,
I would love to free the nipple.

-I do believe you.

-But, you know,
this will be a bikini flash.

-Because you already know
what they're going to say.

-Well, if you want me to,

I will go to
Madison Square Garden.

I will storm the AMC corporate
offices at 11 Penn Plaza.

I will stage a vigorous protest.

-And you will lose.

-Yes, I will.
-I know.

[Laughter]

♪

[Static]

♪

♪

♪

[Gunshot]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-♪ Most of the people
we know are crazy ♪

♪

♪ Now some are winning
and some are losing ♪

♪

♪ But fools don't take the time
to dance to the right place ♪

♪ But lovers are the winners
of the day ♪

♪ Everybody wants to be the
winner, the winner ♪

♪ Wants to be the winner

♪

♪ Now everybody

-♪ Everybody wants
to be the winner, the winner ♪

♪ Wants to be the winner

-♪ Now everybody

-♪ Everybody wants to be
the winner, the winner ♪

♪ Wants to be the winner

♪

♪

♪

♪

-And now, ladies and gentlemen,

presenting the winners!

[Cheers and applause]

♪

♪

-Come on, come on.

♪

30 seconds, Laura.

30 seconds, damn it.
Don't disappoint me.

♪

Move your legs, Laura!

♪

[Crowd chanting "Laura!"]

♪

Move it, move it, move it!

[crowd chanting continues]

♪

♪

Move it!

Come on, push
through it, damn it.

♪

♪

♪

♪

-♪ Lovers and winners
are one and the same ♪

[Chanting continues]

-[Screaming]

♪

[Dramatic music playing]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-Isn't that the kid who
died a couple of months ago?

Tough.

A real shame.

You knew her?

You read about those two
Navy girls down in San Diego?

It was in all the papers.

I -- I hear they were
a couple of real lesbos.

What's the matter,
cat got your tongue?

That's okay.

I've got plenty of
tongue for both of us.

[Chuckling]

-Move your hand.

-Oh, now, come on.

Give a guy a break, huh?

I'm a taxpayer.

-I said move it.

-Oh, now, you're not one
of those lesbos, are you?

[Groans] Hey!

Come on, l-let loose.

-Okay.

But you even breathe
in my direction,

you'll be eating your
balls for brunch.

-Are you some kind of
fucking nut or something?

Jesus Christ.

[Bell tolling]

Fucking graduation day.

They make a big deal
out of it, like it was

something special or something.

-Let me out.

-I thought you wanted
to go to Market Street.

All right, all right, all right.

Jesus Christ.

You're welcome for
the ride, lady.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-[Screaming]

♪

♪

[Rock music
playing in headphones]

♪

♪

[Indistinct conversations]

[Man singing]

♪

[Laughter]

♪

♪

[Indistinct conversations]

♪

♪

-Oh, good morning, Coach.

♪

-All right, the hell with it.

Let's get this show on the road.

-No!
-Ah, come on, Coach.

-We can't take a newspaper
picture without Paula.

She's the best cross country
runner we've ever had,

and you know it.
-Had is right.

[Indistinct shouting]

-Hold it down!

-Come on, coach.

She's just jogging,
for God's sake.

-Do you know that for a fact?

-Yeah.

I passed her on the way
to school this morning.

-What did she have to say?
-Nothing.

I assumed she knew we had to
be here right after homeroom.

-Boys in back.

[Indistinct shouting]
-No!

We can't take the
picture without Paula.

-Come on.
Let's go.

-How about it, Coach?

What was the calculated risk?

How many of us were supposed
to make it through the season

alive?
-You're out of line, fella.

-Yeah?

You've done a lot worse, Coach.

-Oh, wait a minute.
Coach, coach.

Listen, I'm on a tight schedule.

Let's take the picture.
Come on. Okay?

-All right, come on.
Line up.

Come on, come on.

Come on.

Watch your language, young lady.

-Let's take the junk off.

-Get your stuff off
and move in closer, okay?

That's it.
Nice smile, come on.

[Doorbell]

-Oh!

Oh, honey!

Oh, am I glad to see you.

Well, let me take your hat.

You lost weight.

-No, I haven't, Mom.

I've been the same
way for 10 years.

-Really?

-Are you all right?

-It was awful.

Just awful.

[Sobbing]

Oh, look, honey.
Anne's home.

-No shit, Sherlock.

-Don't talk to my
mother like that.

-Hey, you don't like it, why
don't you go back to China

or wherever the
hell you came from?

I mean, nobody invited you here.

-Now, please don't fight.

Ronald's joking, that's all.

Aren't you, honey?

See?

He don't mean anything by it?

Where did you come
from this time, honey?

-Guam.

-Oh, Ronald, did you hear that?

She came all the way from
Guam for the graduation.

Isn't that nice?

-It's very nice.

-You can be too hard on him.

It was a terrible shock.

Now, come on, I'll take
you up to Laura's room.

You relax for a while.

-What about my room, Mom?

-Oh.

Oh, Ronald made it into
a wonderful dark room.

He's a terrific photographer.

You won't mind Laura's room.

It's really nice and tidy.

Nobody's been there
since she died.

-Okay, Mom.
-Come on.

I'll show you.

-No, it's all right.

I know where it is.

-How long you gonna stay?

-Just until after
the graduation.

Why?

-Oh, nothing.

Ronald will probably
want to know, that's all.

Honey, the trophy
and the insurance

money -- Laura's, I mean -- are
you planning on keeping them?

-No, Mom.

Did you hear that, Ronald?

You'll get to keep the money.

-Why didn't you call
us from the airport?

I'd have picked you up.

-I got here all right.

-Yeah, I can see that.

-You got something on your mind?

-What did they have
to call you for?

I brought her up
like she was my own.

I ought to be up there
getting that trophy.

I don't know why you
come sniffing around.

-I've got my reasons.

-Oh, I see the Navy hasn't
taught you any manners.

You're still the same
big-mouth, self-centered bitch

you were the day you left here.

I ought to slap some
minding into you.

-I wouldn't, if I were you.

I have learned a few
things in the military.

-Bitch.

[Static]

-Okay, "Graduation Day" wastes
absolutely no time stacking

up the dead bodies,
and that is partly the result

of the screenwriting theory

that they used to make
the movie.

The director, Herb Freed,
and his wife and co-writer

Anne Marisse had spent several
months going to drive-ins

and studying every slasher movie
in release.

And in the year 1980,

there were quite a few slashers
including Sean Cunningham's

"Friday the 13th,"

because everybody was trying
to copy the success

of John Carpenter's "Halloween"
from 1978.

And the reason
they were doing this

is that Herb Freed had
already made two horror flicks

that did not do that well.

He made "Haunts"
and he made "Beyond Evil."

And they wanted to know why
John Carpenter

and Sean Cunningham are making
bajillions of dollars,

and they are not.

And so they found
what they decided was the secret

of a successful slasher, one
dead body every nine minutes.

[Laughter]

And they use that principle
to write "Graduation Day."

Which makes no sense
because "Halloween"

doesn't operate
on that principle.

I mean,
except for the opening scene,

the kills in "Halloween"
are seriously delayed,

and exposition scenes abound
in that movie.

Anyway, the title
"Graduation Day"

and the concept
of using high school graduation

as the focus actually came from
the producer, not the writers.

And that producer
was David Baughn,

who had worked for Russ Meyer
for 13 years distributing movies

that were considered
porno in many cities.

And so he was battle hardened
in terms of censorship fights,

and he had recently become
a sub-distributor.

Now, sub-distributors
don't exist anymore.

But in the heyday
of exploitation movies,

the country was divided
up into territories.

And each territory
would have these guys

who would pay for the
advertising for his territory

in return for a piece
of the action.

And the reason they did
this instead of opening up

all across the country
at the same time is

so they could reduce
the number of prints

they would need to make because
prints were very expensive,

and you might need
3,000, 4,000 prints

to play all the theaters
in the country at the same time,

plus the advertising
costs would be exorbitant.

So these guys would
just strike 200 prints

and move them around
the country.

And they would use
these sub-distributors

to pay for the advertising
in each territory.

And so, David Baughn
was a sub-distributor

for the Western territory,

which was the 13 states
nearest the Pacific Coast.

And he met Herb Freed

when Fried was looking
for distribution on "Haunts"

and the two guys hit it off

and they decided
to form a production company

to make horror movies
that they would self-distribute,

thereby keeping more
of the money.

And the first one was
"Beyond Evil,"

which was a
haunted house picture

with John Saxon
and Lynda Day George

filmed in the house
where OJ did not kill his wife.

But -- but that movie --
-Really?

-But that movie didn't
really perform that well.

So they decided
to make an all-out slasher,

and David Baughn suggested
the first one be holiday horror.

But it seemed like all the
good holidays had been taken,

so he came up with the idea
of graduation day

which should work because
May is a really good time

to release exploitation films,

right before the summer
blockbusters come out.

So the title was chosen
before they had a script

or a cast or anything else.

And then Herb Freed
and Anne Marisse

wrote the script
with a kill every nine minutes.

And that was David Baughn's
crotch that you saw there

when Anne grabs the truck driver
between the legs

and chokes him, kind of
a special Hitchcockian moment,

low rent cameo,
crotch only cameo.

Herb Freed, by the way,
was an ordained rabbi.

He graduated
from Jewish theological seminary

in New York.

But while he was studying there,

he was also becoming interested
in the Broadway Theater,

which is where he met his wife,
Anne Marisse.

She had been in the original
cast of "Fiddler on the Roof"

and done many other shows,
and by the time he graduated,

Freed was kind of a confused man
because he was a rabbi.

He was at Temple Beth Shalom
in Mahopac, New York,

but he was also producing

and directing plays one hour
south at the Maidman Playhouse

on 42nd Street in New York City.

So he eventually decided
he liked the city better

than the calm waters
of Lake Mahopac

and he became a TV director
for BBDO,

the Giant advertising agency,

and he made more than 200
commercials for big accounts

like Pepsi, Breck,
Covergirl, Clairol, Revlon.

He was the guy they called

whenever beautiful women
were involved.

So he was preparing
to do slashers obviously,

'cause got to know how
to work with the pretty girls,

as we will see
in the scenes coming up here.

[Laughter]

Ah, Darcy,
you know how many rabbi

turned horror directors
there are?

-Not a lot.
-One.

-One? Wow.
-Herb Freed.

This guy, he was also a dancer,
he was a folk singer.

He could do it all.
Alright, back to the movie.

It was the '60s.
People did stuff like that.

Roll it.

That first kill, Paula,

the girl running
through the woods

in the yellow shorts
with the enormous headphones,

that's Linda Shayne,
better known as

the Salmon Queen
in "Humanoids from the Deep."

-Aah.
-You remember her?

-That was my cosplay
for that.

-Yeah, and better known as --
also known as

Bootsie Goodhead in
"Screwballs,"

which she also wrote.

Lynda is one of the Roger Corman
success stories.

She became an accomplished
director in her own right.

And speaking of running
through the woods,

why are there dead leaves
everywhere?

Isn't it, May?
It's May, right?

I mean --
-Global warming.

Didn't Anne,
the Navy sister show up in town

to accept the track trophy
at the graduation ceremony.

And why does she tell
the stepdad,

played by veteran
character actor Hal Bokar,

that she doesn't want
the insurance money?

Since when does your
sister get your insurance money?

Anyway...

And why did she smash
the track team photo?

And, did she did she have time
to change clothes

and run through the woods

and kill Lynda Shayne
and then change back?

Darcy?
-It's a slasher.

Anything is possible.

-Alright, see, that's the kind
of movie knowledge

that qualifies you for
your Briggs High School diploma.

[Laughter]

If you're going to graduate,

though, can I do
the commencement address?

-Oh, please do, yeah.
-Alright.

In my address,
I have to tell you how happy

you're going to be now
that you have your diploma.

-Make sure that you tell me
to follow my dreams.

-Oh, yeah, follow your dreams.
-Yeah.

-The same thing
Walt Disney said,

or was it Walt Disney
that said it?

Or Michael Jackson.

Michael Jackson said...

Dr. Phil, somebody said --

somebody said,
follow your dreams.

-I feel
like everybody says it.

-Michelle Obama.

I'm going with Michelle Obama
said follow your dreams.

-Everyone on "American Idol"
says it.

Follow your dreams to Hollywood.
-Maybe it was Mahatma Gandhi.

Or did Mahatma Gandhi say
follow the money?

-That was Deep Throat.
-Deep Throat?

Linda Lovelace said
follow the money?

-Well, probably, but no.

In "All the "President's Men,"

the informant called Deep Throat
tells Robert Redford

follow the money.

-Well, it's good advice, and it
has exploitation film origins.

So I'm going with follow
the money.

-I don't feel like
"All the President's Men"

is an exploitation film.

-No, it's not,
but Deep Throat is.

-Okay, good point.
-Alright, it's our world.

-I like it.

[Laughter]

♪

[Static]

[Indistinct conversations]

[Sinister cord plays]

-Hi, Sally.
-Hi.

[Birds chirping]

♪

♪

♪

-Did I frighten you?
-Yes, you did.

-I'm sorry.

I was looking for
the auditorium.

I must have gotten lost.

It's strange, you know.

I used to know this place
like the back of my hand.

-The auditorium is over there.

You can't miss it.

-That's beautiful.

-It's the honor award.

Varsity track.

-You have lovely eyes.

My sister had eyes like yours.

She's dead now.

-Oh, gee.

Well, I gotta run.

[Choir singing]

♪

[Cheers and applause]

-Hey, seniors.

Let's give our attention to
our principal, Mr. Guglione.

[Booing]

-Okay, thank you.

Thank you.
All right, enough.

Is this thing on?

[Indistinct shouting]

Boys and girls.
[Mic feeedback]

I want you --
[Feedback continues]

Boys and girls?

[Feedback]

Alright.

Alright, seniors.

If you can't behave,
we're just going to have

to call this whole thing off.
[Booing]

Is that what you want to see?

Is that what you want to happen?

Well, is it?

Well, what's it going to be?
Behave or quits.

Come on, make up --
behave or quits.

I mean it.

I'm serious, boys and girls.

Graduation is for you,
not for me.

Remember that.

Now, simmer down.

I mean it.

That's better.

These diplomas are tickets
to the adult world.

You want to get in, you've got
to pay the admission price.

Respect authority.
[Students booing]

Do we understand each other?

Good.

Okay.

-It's her.

-At the exercises tomorrow...

-Boy, is she weird.

-...I will call
your names one at a time.

You will come up here.

And I will hand you a diploma.

You will take the
diploma in your left hand

and shake with your right hand.

And no -- no jokes about
being left-handed.

[Students shouting]

Then the monsignor--

[Students cheering]

The monsignor is going
to say the benediction,

and you're all going to stand
there with your heads bowed.

And you better be serious.

Then we're going to get to
the special awards over here.

-[Whispering]

Boys and girls, we have a
special guest with us today.

I would like you to give a warm
welcome to Laura Ramstead's

sister, Miss Anne Ramstead.

Excuse me, Ensign Ramstead.

[Applause]

She flew all the way in from
Guam to be with us today.

Tomorrow at the
actual ceremony,

we are going to call
for a moment of silence

in honor of Laura.

Boys and girls, that
will be all for today.

[Students cheering]

-They're animals.

I swear to god, they get
worse from year to year.

[Indistinct conversations]

-You're Kevin.

-Hello, Anne.

-I appreciated your
letter so much.

-Thank you.
-Can we talk?

-Sure.
-Alone?

-Catch me later.
After school.

-Well, Kevin, where?

Kevin?

[Door buzzer]

[Cheering]

-Get!
We ain't got nothing here.

Go on.

Get away!
Get away!

Go on, I said.

-I didn't know anyone was here.

-Hello, Anne.

-Kevin.

I was afraid you weren't here.

-I was upstairs in my room.

I see you saw it.

-It's exactly as you
wrote in your letter.

-Go on, get, before I
sic those dogs on you.

Get!
-Don't worry about Grandma.

She can't hear a thing.

-She didn't have to die, Kevin.

-I know.

You know, Laura was
crazy about you.

It was always Anne
this and Anne that.

She idolized you.

-She was all I had.

Everything's different now.

-Laura's still with me.

She'll always be with me.

That'll never change.

-You're beautiful, Kevin.

You really are.

Oh, I -- I almost
forgot what I came for.

-What is it?

-Laura's graduation present.

I wanted you to have it.

-Wow.
It's really neat.

Thanks.

-Well, I'd better be going.

I have some things
to take care of.

-Yeah.

-I'll see you later, hmm?

-Hey, thanks again.

♪

♪

[Water dripping]

♪

-[Breathing shakily]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-Anybody there?

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Screaming]

Why did you come
sneaking in like that for?

-What?
[Indistinct conversation]

-Quiet!
Quiet!

-What.

Oh, come on.

-Now what?

-Quiet!

-What?

-That door.
-What?

-What about it?
-It just closed.

-Sure it did.

All by itself.
-Really.

-No!
Don't!

-She's nuts. She is nuts.
-[Whistles]

-I think so.

I don't believe her.

What are you trying to do?

Jesus, what is with her?

-You are out to lunch.

You are out to lunch.
Let's get out of here.

This girl's wacko.

-You know, you scared me so
much that I wet my pants?

Do you know that?

[Giggling]

-No, I didn't really.

-Yes, you did!
-I did not!

-Yes, you did.

-Hey, wait for me.

[Indistinct conversations]

-Coach Michaels tells
me you're good enough

for the Olympics, huh?

-He never told me that.

-No?

Sally, could you do a couple
of turns for me on the bar?

-Hey, hold it, hold it.

What do you mean
a couple of turns?

Sally, get up on the
bars and do your routine.

-I don't know, coach.

I'm really not up to it today.

-The man is here from the paper.

For Christ's sakes,
don't embarrass me.

-Hey, it's okay, coach.

I just need a --

-Just mind your own business.

Sally, get your little ass up
on those bars and go to work.

♪

-She's dead now.

-What happened?

-I'm not sure.

-What do you mean
you're not sure?

-I don't know.

-You broke your concentration.

That's what happened.

I've never seen
anything so sloppy.

-It doesn't really matter,
Coach.

I got a good --

-Just shut up and
do your job, huh?

Now, do it, Sally.

Don't disappoint me.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-It's no problem, Coach.

I got some really
great stuff here.

-Go on.
Go on!

♪

♪

♪

♪

-This is for you, coach.

[Stopwatch clicking]

Sit on it and rotate.

♪

♪

♪

What are you doing?

Stop it! No!

No!
[Screaming]

♪

-So, I guess Vanna White's
first words in show business

were, "You know you scared
me so much

I wet my pants?"
-Yay!

-The performance
I was impressed with was Sally.

Not only did she take that
fencing coil through the neck,

but she did the nudity.

She did a whole gymnastics
ballet on those uneven bars.

She was believable as Coach
George Michaels yelled at her.

"Get your little ass up
on those bars and go to work."

Even though,
correct me if I'm wrong,

but isn't he the track coach?
What's he doing with a gymnast?

Anyway, Denise Cheshire played
that role,

and she was
not an actress at all.

She was a finalist in the
1976 Olympics gymnastics team.

She grew up in Burbank.

And after she retired
from gymnastics,

she became a top-rated
stunt performer

and a fitness instructor.

And she was in
"Men in Black II."

She was in
"Gorillas in the Mist."

But her top credit,
as far as I'm concerned,

she played Jack Frost.

She was the person
inside the evil snowman.

-Shut up. That is an amazing --
That is such a cool credit.

-That is beyond cool.
That is a frosty credit.

So how many suspects do we have
in this movie so far, Darcy?

-A lot.
-Yeah.

We have Christopher George,
who plays the track coach.

He's a suspect just
because he yells a lot, I guess.

And I guess we're supposed
to think that Laura,

the girl who dies in the
opening scene has a heart attack

because he drives her too hard.

How come she just drops
on the track?

Do they explain that?
Everybody just runs over to her,

her boyfriend cradles her
in his arms.

There's no CPR.
There's no ambulance.

They could land the life
flight helicopter right there

on the track, you know, but they
just assume, oh, she's dead.

She didn't move
for five seconds.

-I think they said
it's a blood clot.

-Okay, it's a blood clot,

so that's not the coach's fault,
is it?

-But maybe it's
not really a blood clot.

Maybe it's a fake story.

Hmm.
-Okay.

So the coach is a suspect.

And -- And by the way,
I don't think you're supposed

to let up on track and field
athletes.

And say the coaches,
you know, drives them too hard.

I think if they're in the race,

you're supposed to keep
getting them to pump harder

to the point of exhaustion,
right?

-Maybe.
-Like, who's -- who's

the fastest runner in the world?

-Usain Bolt.

-Yeah, right.
The Jamaican dude.

Well, his coach doesn't say,
"Hey, Usain.

If you start to get chest pains,
pull up."

You know,
you will get chest pains.

You're maxing out your body.

-Agree.
-Okay.

So Coach Michaels is a suspect.

Weird beard sister
Anne is a suspect

because she accosts Sally in
the woods and skeeves her out.

Plus she owns black gloves.

I guess Laura's family,
they're all suspects.

The dad is all pissed off.

Grandma probably can't walk,
so we can rule her out.

The boyfriend keeps scrapbooks.

Lots of slasher killers
keep scrapbooks.

-Yeah, like, full on altars.
-They do have altars, too.

So Kevin may have
an altar somewhere.

Danny Murphy is Kevin.

I think this was his
first role as the boyfriend

who fails to call 911

and then mopes around
about it the whole movie.

-Is Vanna White a suspect?

-Vanna White could
very well be a suspect.

Are you buddies with Vanna?

-I know you guys are both
from South Carolina and --

-No, she had moved out way
before I was growing up.

-Alright.

Well, here's some -- there's
some famous modeling picture

of Vanna White for a car
dealership in North Myrtle Beach

or somewhere like that.

-Well, our families wouldn't
have crossed paths then.

We were based in Charleston,
Myrtle Beach.

-Is the goofy principle
a suspect?

-Not a very good one.

-That's Michael Pataki,

beloved character actor
for many decades.

Herb Freed told him
to play it goofy.

Here's a question.

Why? If they're having
graduation ceremony practice?

Why would everyone
already be wearing their caps

and gowns for rehearsal?

-For class photos?

-Oh.

Good call.
How do you know that?

-Do you think it was easy
to earn my diploma?

-Okay, back to the movie.
Roll it.

Why do people say
North Myrtle Beach?

I'm not from Myrtle Beach.

I'm from North Myrtle Beach.

-Because it's the
more residential part,

not the, like,
glamorous touristy part.

-So if you live
in Myrtle Beach,

you might have,
like three beer joints

and a Ferris wheel
across the street,

but in North Myrtle Beach,

you got children's
playgrounds and Applebee's.

-Sort of, yeah.

North Myrtle Beach is more
for shopping and,

like, picnicking
and the beach is better.

-No strip clubs, right?

-Oh, I didn't say that.

Actually, the best ones are
in North Myrtle Beach.

-Better than Charleston,
though.

-I have to be real.

It's the one thing
that Myrtle Beach has

that's better than Charleston.

-Really?
-Step it up, Charleston.

-You and David Gordon Green,
massive Charleston lovers.

And yet, you're giving credit
to Myrtle Beach.

-Just in strip clubs.

Everything else
is amazing in Charleston.

-Okay.

Charleston fired
the first shot in the Civil War.

-And they're super proud
about that.

-It's kind of the last shot
that matters, right?

-Fair.

♪

[Static]

[Slow piano playing]

♪

-♪ With you, I could learn to

♪ With you, what a new day

♪ But who can I turn to if you

♪ Turn away

[Cheers and applause]

-Oh, why did you ever
leave show business?

-Oh, I never really left it.

I mean, show biz is my life.

[Laughter]

I got tired of the parties.

-Oh, the parties!

Oh, I can't stand it.

-Kept having to
kiss the behinds.

Little things that I had to
do to be part of the biz.

[Indistinct conversation]

-Really, how exciting.
-Yeah.

Well, when you're an
entertainer as I was --

as I am --

-The bell rang 10 minutes ago.

-There aren't any
more real classes.

Tomorrow's graduation day.

Hey, Mr. Roberts is going to
be on tour for the whole summer.

Isn't that neat?
-Oh, God.

I wish I could go with you.

-What about it, Mr. Roberts?

Do you want me to come
back later or what?

-Oh, no. No, Dolores.
You're right on time.

We were just kinda
letting it all hang out,

as they say in the industry.

Alright, look.

I'll see you and
you in the fall.

Have a really great summer.
I mean it now.

-Okay.
-Thanks, Mr. Roberts.

-Good-bye, Joanne.
-Good-bye.

-Bye, Doris.
-Bye.

-Sing one for me, honey.

[Piano playing]

[Piano keys crash]

Oh, now, Dolores,
as I was saying,

there's no possible
way I could pass you.

I mean, summer school
is the only answer.

You've hardly been here.

Let me show you your record,
and you'll see that it's --

What are you doing, dear?

As I was saying, you see, summer
school isn't that bad, really.

Wait, don't do that.

I mean, not here.

Somebody could
come in, you know.

Uh, Dolores, uh -- oh, my.

Dolores, I want --

Oh, Dolores.

[Piano keys strike]

-[Muttering]

[Buzzer]

Yes?

-Blondie, would you come
in here for a minute,

quick like a bunny?
-Quick like a what?

-Bunny. You know, rabbit,
quick, chop chop.

-You lie.

-[Whistling]

-Blondie, you look
just terrific.

-[Laughs]
Alright, how much is there?

-Not much.

Nothing that you can't
whip out in no time.

About three letters
on the first side.

The body of the letter is
the same for all three,

except they must be
individually done

and they must be
addressed to the school

superintendents,
the school board,

and the athletic faculty.

And on the other side, do the
same for the art department,

music department, and math,
okay?

-You have got to be kidding.

I am up to my garter belts now.

Tomorrow is graduation day.

-I know that.

That's why it's got
to be done quick.

-I know.
Like a bunny.

-Blondie, I would
appreciate this very much.

It's very important to me.

-Don't try to be nice to me.

I am really ticked off.

This is just not fair.

I'm going to be up half
the night with this.

-Honey, I got an idea.

What do you say I
come by your place

later on with a bottle of
wine after you're finished.

Hmm?

-You know something,
Mr. Guglione?

You are a real bastard.

Make it around midnight.

-[Honking noises]

[Door closes]
[Laughs]

-[Humming]

♪ I said I love you

[Metal clangs]

[Whistling]

[Clanging]

♪

[Clanging continues]

♪

Did you hear it?

-Hear what?

-The strange tapping noise.

It's everywhere.

You must have heard it,
didn't you?

-No, I haven't heard a thing.

-Well, there's
something in the pipes.

I'm sure of it.

-Well, what do you think it is?

-I don't know, but
I'm going to find out.

-You do that.

-Hello?

Is anybody in here?

[Steam hisses]

Shit!

Alright, look.

Whoever it is,
I know who you are.

You're not supposed
to be in here.

Come on now, I'm not going
to hassle you or anything.

Just get your ass
out, alright?

Look, I won't tell Mr. Guglione
if you just get out now.

[Bucket clanging]

-Mr. Roberts, you look a lot
better with your clothes on.

-Why?

Don't you find me attractive?

-Oh, sure I do.
You're okay.

You're fine.

-Do you like snakes?

I call this my little cobra.

-Oh, why?
Is it poisonous?

-You're very funny, Dolores.

-So are you.
You're real funny.

-Oh. Oh, Dolores.

-[Laughs]
-Dolores!

-Mr. Roberts, oh!
[Laughing]

-Come back here!

Don't think I don't know
who you are, because I do!

Come out and show your
face, you miserable scum!

[Bell tolling]

-You know, you really
screwed up this year.

You're going to be
lucky if you graduate.

-I'm going to graduate.

-And do what?

You didn't even go to
class half of the time.

-I know, but it's cool.

I talked to Mr. Roberts,
and he doesn't care.

I'm going to graduate.

How many girls have you screwed?

Is it true that you've screwed
the ones at Sacred Heart?

Huh?

Have you?

-What do I look like, a
calculator or something?

-No, but, you know,
I just wondered.

-Every one.
-Every one of them?

-Cheerleaders, pom pom girls.

-You're kidding.
-Every one.

-Do you know Nancy?

-We go back a long ways.

First time I met her.

-So you did do it with her, huh?
-Oh, yeah.

I had to teach her a little bit.

She's only in high school.
You know.

-She's my best friend.
-Oh, yeah?

-Yeah, she's my best friend.

-What'd she say?
-About you?

What'd she say about you?

-Mm-hmm.

-Oh, she didn't say
anything about you at all.

-Probably because, you know --

-Because you were boyfriend
and girlfriend, right?

-Yeah.
Yeah, that's probably it.

-You know what, Tony?

-What?

-I'm really horny.

-There's time for that later.

-I really am.
-No, no.

There's time for that later.
-Come on.

Come on!

-What do you kids
think you're doing?

-Oh, shit.

-How'd you like to get busted
the day before graduation?

What would your
parents say about that?

-You know, I'm going to miss
you in the fall, MacGregor.

-I hear narcs are an
endangered species.

-Well, they're not very bright.

You see, instead of
migrating in the winter,

they fly up their own assholes
and mate with themselves.

-And what comes out?

-MacGregor!
-MacGregor!

-That's funny.

That's real funny.

You know, I'm a police officer.

And if I catch you smoking
dope around the campus

one more time, your ass is mine.

-Oh, tough guy!

-Oh, no!

[Indistinct conversation]

-Punks.

-So, the dope-smoking campus
cop MacGregor is now a suspect,

but something tells me
the music teacher wearing

a baby blue polyester
leisure suit,

singing "Who Can I Turn To"
and talking about his days

performing in sketchy lounges
is not the slasher.

That is veteran character
actor Richard Balin,

still working today,
as far as I know,

telling Linnea Quigley,
"I call this my little cobra."

Apparently, some of the other
hot chicks in the school

who want sex
with the cool music teacher,

Mr. Roberts,
are jealous of Linnea.

And so they're taping
the aardvarking.

Is that what happened, Darcy?

Is that
how we had that tape sound?

A lot of sex
going on in this school.

-Oh, you also have
the principal promising sex

to his secretary, if
she'll type six letters.

-Yeah, six letters,
and you get sex.

Yeah, weird, right?

All the women are horny as hell
in this movie.

Linnea even says,
"I'm so horny," to Tony

there on the park bench right...
-Respect.

-...before we get reprimanded
by the deputy dog campus cop.

The secretary,
they call her Blondie

in the movie,
is E.J. Peaker.

And she was actually married

to the principal,
Michael Pataki, in real life.

But by the time
this movie came around,

they were already divorced.

But E.J. Peaker
is an Oklahoma girl,

musical theater specialist.

She arrived in Hollywood
in 1964,

landed a role in the movie
version of "Hello Dolly."

And Michael Pataki,

remember the last time we had
Michael Pataki on the show.

-Mm-hmm. He was the boyfriend
in "The Baby."

-Yeah,
the skin freak in "The Baby,"

really the only male character
in that movie.

I talked about him at length

in our season four episode
with "The Baby,"

so watch that if you want the
total rundown on Michael Pataki.

But he was one of the
hardest working character actors

in Hollywood in the '60s, '70s,
'80s, '90s.

Probably his most famous role
was in "Grave of the Vampire."

But he was also
Doctor Hoffman in

"Halloween 4:
The Return of Michael Myers.

And you always have to give
the full name of "Halloween 4."

And we know the reason
why, don't we?

Don't we, Darcy?

-Because "Halloween 3"
is amazing,

and you don't want people
to be disappointed when they

find out that
the "Halloween 3" characters

aren't coming back
for part four, right?

-No.
No, that is not the reason

that they put Michael Myers'
name

in the "Halloween 4" subtitle.

Anyway, I should also mention,
out of the hundreds of movies

that Michael Pataki
was involved with,

he directed two films
for Charles Band...

-Shut up.
-...in the '70s,

"Mansion of the Doomed,"
and the musical sex comedy

version of "Cinderella"
starring Rainbow Smith.

He almost always played
his role sleazy, you know?

Died in 2010
at the age of 72.

Alright,
so Linnea Quigley,

who's having sex
with the dorky music teacher

to get a passing grade
and then having sex with Tony

because Tony's the best
cocksman in school.

I think that was the reason,
Darcy, right?

-I mean, who can resist
the best cocksman?

-Right.

So Linnea got this part

because the original
actress hired

to play a character named Diane,

she's actually the actress
pictured in the track team photo

that they keep going back to

in order to cross
out the killer victims.

That actress refused
to do her nude scenes.

And so they called up Linnea
and Linnea said no problem.

When do you want me?

And so the character
of Dolores was created

after the movie
had already started filming

with a character named Diane.
Alright.

Let's get back to the Camp
classic "Graduation Day."

Role it.

What would you do,
Darcy, if a producer

called you up and said,

"Hey, one of our actresses
dropped out

and we need somebody to come in
and get naked

and seduce the music teacher
and seduce one

of the students
and smoke some pot and have sex

and run through the woods
and die?"

-I feel like you know
what I'd do.

-You would say,
"When do I show up?" Right?

-Freakin' dream role, man.

-Alright, I think Linnea got
a lot of parts

because you never had to worry
about it.

You know, yeah, it's Linnea.

She'll get naked, you know?

-And I told you I would flash
in the graduation ceremony

because it would be
a fitting tribute to Linnea.

She would want it.
-Darcy, Darcy, believe me,

we all want to see that,
but the high sheriffs

do not want to see tributes
to Linnea.

And in fact, the reindeer
antlers thing that we did...

-It was a tribute to Linnea.
-And they didn't care.

-What if it, like, happened
"accidentally"?

-Accidentally?
Yeah, what do they call that?

-A wardrobe malfunction.
-Right.

Like, Janet Jackson at the Super
Bowl, that kind of thing.

-Exactly.

-You mean, like, a gust
of wind blew your gown open,

and you had to
hurriedly close it back

because you were embarrassed?
-Something like that, yeah.

-Darcy, do not even go there.

Do not even think
about doing that.

-Just be prepared in case
you know,

something happened, you know?

-Oh, man.

There is no wind in the studio,
Darcy.

-I mean, there's
some big old doors over there

that can be opened up.
-Nope.

-Just saying.
-And you're scaring me.

-Good.
[Laughter]

♪

[Static]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-[Screams]

[Gasps]

[Machine whirring]

-What the hell?

Are you crazy?

These are precision instruments.

You could snap a blade.

-I didn't touch your machines.

-Oh, you didn't?

-I didn't come here to
play games, Michaels.

-Then what'd you come here for,
to point a finger at a killer?

Well, go ahead.

Everybody else in town has.

-Maybe they know something.

-They don't know nothing.

All the years I gave them
winners, they loved me.

And one accident.

One accident where
a child gets a blood clot,

and it's my fault,
and I'm out on my ass.

-I'd say you were
getting off easy.

-Listen, I didn't
kill your sister.

-Oh, no?

-I loved her.

-Loved?
You -- You rotten bastard.

You and your stupid
track team,

you pushed her
and you killed her.

-I didn't kill anybody!

I gave my life to
Laura, to all my kids.

Yeah, I pushed them.

I yelled at them.

But that didn't mean I
didn't care for them.

I spent four years with Laura.

I molded her.

I shaped her.

She -- she was precision.

She was power.

-Like a machine.

-[Sighs]

Look, I'm sorry, miss.

I got a lot to do.

What was it you wanted anyway?

-I came for an answer.

I think I've got it.

We'll meet again, Michaels.

-Yeah, I guess we will.

-Ralph, where are you going?
Go to the TV station yet?

-I'm on my way there
right now, if you girls

will give me back my ball.

-Oh, so you're going
to the TV station.

-Do you want your ball?

-Ralph wants his ball back.

-Here.

-What's the matter, Ralph?

No balls of your own?

-Girls, I have no time
for this nonsense.

My public awaits me.

-He wants his ball.

-Aw.

-[Giggling]

♪

♪

-Crazy broads.

Hi.

Give me my ball.

♪

Give me my goddamn ball.

Hey, give me my ball.

♪

[Grunts]

♪

♪

♪

[Playing harmonica]

♪

[Cheering]

-♪ I saw Tommy in the hall,
playing with his best ♪

♪ He said he was taking
off teaching us a lesson ♪

♪ And I am taking you, too

[Singing continues]

-♪ Graduation day blues

-♪ You know, you Bills
and Bobs and you ♪

♪ Back lot slobs with
the summer jobs ♪

♪ Know the next one's going
to last your whole life ♪

♪ I know it isn't
pretty but it's true ♪

♪ That's why I'm talking...

-♪ Graduation day blues

-♪ Good-bye, dear high school

[High-pitched] Honey, what are
you going to do?

[Deep voice] Gee, I'd just kind
of like to know your plans, son.

♪ Forget decisions

[Cheering]

♪ Don't say we're growing
up because it's not true ♪

♪ Old man, we've still
got too much else to do ♪

♪ And me, I'm not
ready for the shock ♪

♪ That's why I'm talking
graduation day blues ♪

[Cheers and applause]

[Indistinct conversations]

♪

♪

-Listen, coach.
I'm really sorry.

I really am.

-Well, well, Coach Michaels.

Looks like you had yourself
a pretty good deal,

didn't you, surrounded by
all that fine young stuff.

You got lipstick on you.

Too bad you blew it.

Don't treat me like shit, coach.

Remember, I could hurt you
bad if I put my mind to it.

Son of a bitch.

♪

♪

♪

-♪ Alright, yeah, yeah

-So, what's this?

You're off, and I
find you with Sue?

-We're just friends.

[Felony's "Gangster Rock"
playing]

[Man singing]

-♪ I've laid awake
many of nights ♪

♪ Many a times I've thought

♪ Will I ever
found the answer ♪

♪ To what I'm thinking of?

♪ So I just keep on thinking

♪ And doing the gangster rock

-♪ The gangster rock

♪ The gangster rock

-♪ Yeah

♪

♪ Now, some people
aren't so lonely ♪

♪ Others aren't so blessed

♪ Only difference would be

♪ Childhood you had

♪ Well, I must be rocking
with Elvis ♪

♪ King of the rhythm and blues

[Man singing]

♪

-♪ The gangster rock
-♪ Whoo

-♪ The gangster rock

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-I'm going to nail
your ass tonight.

-That's what you think.

-I'm going to.
I'm serious.

-Maybe if you're lucky.
-Oh, yeah?

-♪ Alright

♪

♪ Alright, yeah, yeah

♪

[Singing continues]

♪ But I've laid
awake many of nights ♪

♪ Many of times I've thought

♪ Will I ever
found the answer ♪

♪ To what I'm thinking of?

♪ So I just keep on thinking

♪ And doing the gangster rock

-♪ The gangster rock

♪ The gangster rock

-♪ Yeah

-Hey, what's wrong?
Did I do something?

-No.
I gotta do something.

-♪ Now, some people
aren't so lonely ♪

♪ Others aren't so blessed

-You know, it's a really
nice night tonight.

It must be nice to be a boy.

You can piss
anywhere you want to.

-The world's my toilet.

-God.

[Man singing]

[Eerie rumbling]

-♪ The gangster rock

♪

♪

-Tony?

♪

Tony?

♪

Stop puttering around.

♪

♪

♪

[Gasping]

♪

Oh, my God.

[Whimpering]

Help!

[Man singing]

♪

-♪ But I've laid
awake many of nights ♪

♪ Many of times I've thought

♪ Will I ever found
the answer ♪

♪ To what I'm thinking of?

♪ So I just keep on thinking

♪ And doing the gangster rock

-♪ The gangster rock

♪ The gangster rock

-♪ Yeah

♪

[Dog barks]
-[Screams]

♪

-♪ Others aren't so blessed

♪ Only difference would be

♪ Childhood you had

♪ Well, I must be rocking
with Elvis ♪

♪ King of the rhythm and blues

[Man singing]

♪

-♪ The gangster rock
-♪ Whoo

-♪ The gangster rock

♪

-[Screams]

♪

♪

[Microphone feedback]

♪

-♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

[Music stops]

-Okay, did this just become
a new wave roller boogie musical

with somebody attaching
a football to a spear

and hurling it through
a football players stomach?

And again,
isn't the slasher supposed

to be killing the track team,
not the football team.

-Slashers.
-And then the overstretched

breakdancing Tony
getting his head sliced off,

leaving Linnea Quigley to run
heedlessly through the woods

while a band called Felony...
-Whoo!

-...dressed up like 1920s
gangsters.

You're a Felony fan.
-I am a Felony fan

because of this movie.
-Oh, man, sings the song

"Gangster Rock"
and makes us forget

that a few minutes before now
there was a hootenanny

or something with a
dude playing harmonica

for the song "Graduation Blues."

And just in case you haven't
been bizarred out yet,

you should know
that the guy playing harmonica

is Grant Loud
from the Loud family,

featured in the 1973
documentary American family

about the Loud family
of Santa Barbara, California,

which was -- that was sort of
the first ever reality show.

So, where do I start?
Alright.

How about the 7.5 minute version
of Gangster Rock?

-Yeah.
-While the roller skaters

are circling the band.

The band Felony worked for free
in exchange

for having publishing rights
to the songs that were used.

I think the only one
they used was "Gangster Rock,"

which they never recorded
and was never published.

But they would go on
to have their 15 minutes of fame

and be featured on Dick Clark's
"American Bandstand"

after their song
"The Fanatic" was used

on the soundtrack
of "Valley Girl"

and rose to number 42
on the charts

before crashing back to Earth.

The band broke up in 1992

after, sadly, the lead singer
Jeffrey Scott Spry

committed suicide.
-Aw.

-Um, the spear-
in-the-football kill.

Let me ask you, Darcy.
You're the expert on kills.

What did you think of the
spearing of the football player

with his jury-rigged football.

-That was friggin' cool.
I loved it.

-[Sighs]
-What? That was cool.

-Darcy, you can't throw
a football with a spear in it.

Much less make the spear
go through someone's body

just with the force of your arm
in the football.

-It was a very cool kill.

-And we're supposed to think
the killer rigged the spear

in the football
during the 20 seconds

that the ball was lost
in the bushes.

-Absolutely.
Slasher Logic.

-What about
the beheading part?

-Excellent.
-I didn't see much blood

when that head flies off.
[Laughter]

-But I love the way the head
somersaulted through the air.

-Somersaulted?
-Yeah.

-Can a head somersault?
-A twirl.

It's a somersault.
What do you want?

-Alright, then we had
that weird scene

where Anne goes
to the wood shop,

because, I guess,

besides being the track coach
and the gymnastics coach

and the football coach,

Christopher George is
also the shop teacher.

And he calls Anne's
sister a "precision instrument."

And she gets all pissed off
and sort of threatens him.

And by the way, who is
the main character in the movie?

Is it Anne?
Is it Christopher George?

I don't know who we're supposed
to identify with in this movie.

-It's Anne.

-But she's kind
of a loony tune.

I mean,
that actress is Patch Mackenzie,

who would do quite a bit of TV
in the '70s and '80s

and then become an acting coach
and a talent manager.

And our audience might know her
from "It's Alive III,"

or maybe not.

And of course,
Christopher George,

we hadn't talked about him
since we showed "Pieces"...

-Whoo!
-Back in 2018

on the original marathon.

"Pieces" would end up being
his next to the last movie.

I think his last movie was
"Mortuary."

Anyway, son of Greek immigrants,

quit high school
to join the Marines,

started acting
in TV commercials,

did a "Streetcar named
Desire" on Broadway,

became a good friend
of John Wayne,

appeared in several movies
with him,

starred in the TV series
"Rat Patrol"

where he got injured
in a stunt gone awry.

Oh, wait a minute.
We did talk about him again.

We featured him in "Grizzly."

I always forget he starred
in "Grizzly."

He often appeared with his wife,
Lynda Day George.

We know him from
"Enter the Ninja."

-Okay.
-"City of the Living Dead."

Died in 1983 at the age of 52,

heart attack caused
by complications from that stunt

where he got injured
on "Rat Patrol."

-No way.
-Okay, they have finally

stopped singing "Gangster Rock."
[Laughter]

We got three more dead bodies,
including Linnea Quigley.

Were three people killed
during that one song?

I think so.

And by the way,

that was
the director Herb Freed,

actually chasing Linnea Quigley
through the woods.

But now we can continue
with our quest

to find out who's killing
all the athletes.

Maybe it's Grant Loud.

Maybe it's the lead singer
of "Gangster Rock."

-Ooh.
-Let's find out.

Roll the flick.

This whole movie was filmed at
La Cañada High School

in La Cañada
Flintridge, California.

You know where that is?
-I do.

-The woods that they use
are right there by the school.

And the only time
they left campus

is to go to the house
of Laura's parents

and the house of Kevin
the boyfriend,

and those were, you may
have noticed, ginormous houses.

Those houses were in Pasadena.

But that whole area
around the Rose Bowl

is kind of a fancy area,
but it kind of fits this movie

because the cast comes off
as rich kids, don't you think?

-Oh, for sure.

-And it's spoiled rich kids,

so you don't mind so much
when they get hacked up.

Is that a trope in slashers?

-That the victims
are privileged?

-I think it is, right?

-I mean, in high school
slashers, more often than not.

You don't have a whole lot
of trailer park trash

getting killed
in high school horror.

-Yeah.

Unless it's something like
"Mountaintop Motel Massacre,"

you know, the hillbilly name.

-For sure.

I just meant,
high school strictly.

-Yeah.
-High school horror

is all about the smart
aleck students.

-I defer to your
superior knowledge.

-Shut up.

-I'm not even
being sarcastic.

-I feel like you are.
[Laughter]

♪

[Static]

[School bell rings]
-No, Mrs. Harris. No.

I'm not saying you're wrong.

No, no.

I'm not saying you're right.

Well, yes.

Yes, of course you
can count on that.

Look.
Yes.

Yes. Yes.

Definitely.

She'll be there at 4 o'clock.

Absolutely.

Now, she's not about to
miss graduation exercises.

Yes.
Yes.

Yes.
That I promise you.

Yes. You bet.

Bye-bye.

[Buzzer]

-It's Mrs. Fisk.
She is fit to be tied.

Tony has not been
home all night long.

Can you imagine that?

-Well, what does she want?

-Well, she's got to
have someone to crab at,

and I guess I'm not
important enough.

-Well, why me?

I don't know where
her damn kid is.

-Well, tell her that.
She's on line two.

-Tell her what?

-If I knew what to tell these
parents, I'd have your job.

-Listen, I really don't --
I really don't have

the time today, Blondie.

You just tell her I'm not here.

-I do a lot for you,
Mr. Guglione,

Lord knows, but lying
is not one of them.

Lie to her.

-Yes, Mrs. Fisk?

How are y--
Yes.

Yes.
Yes, I did hear.

Well, apparently some of
the -- some of the kids

didn't -- they didn't
get home last night.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Well, I-I am.

And, well, I'm not.

Yes.
Yes, they are.

Well, good kids.

Sure, all of them.

Yes.

All from the same track team.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh, judging by the calls.

Yes.
Yes, I agree. I agree.

Well, I certainly would
if they were mine.

Uh-huh.
Uh-huh. Yes.

I certainly will, Mrs. Fisk.

Good-bye, dear.

Ugh.

Why are those little
bastards doing this to me?

[Telephone ringing]
It's their graduation, not mine.

You know, I feel like
calling the whole thing off.

-Mrs. Johnson's on the phone.
Apparently Ralph --

-I don't want to speak
to any more parents.

I got 1,000 people waiting
for me at 4 o'clock,

and I've got to
put on a good show.

-Just a moment.
Just a moment, Mrs. Johnson.

Mr. Guglione's office.

Yes, he is.
He's right here.

He'll be with you in a moment.

-I told you I didn't want
to speak to any more people.

Now, you tell the truth
on your time, damn it!

Are you there, Mr. Guglione?

It's Mrs. Brentwood,
Paula's mother.

-[Screaming]
-She wants to talk to you, too.

[Camera shutter clicks]

[Indistinct conversations]

-Wait. Wait, wait.
We gotta take another picture.

[Students groaning]
-Come on, one more time.

One more time.
One more time.

Just hold on.

-If you ever come out to the
club, you know, come see me.

-Really?
-Yeah.

I'd be happy to have you there.

I could tell everybody you
were one of my students.

-Oh.

I'd love to, Mr. Roberts.

[Buzzing]

-I'm not here, Blondie.

Period.

Tell them jokes.

Tell them lies.

Tell those damn parents
whatever you want to, but tell

them to stop bugging me.

You got that?

Good.

-Mr. Guglione.

-Who let you in?

-I let myself in.
-Who are you?

What do you want?

-Inspector Halliday, police.

-Halliday?
Police?

You don't look Irish.

-I'm Lebanese.

-You look Italian.

-You look Lebanese.

-Sit down.
Can I get you a cup of coffee?

-No, thanks.

The truth is, Mr. Guglione,
I really hate schools.

I'd like to do my report
and get out of here.

-Well, what can I do for you?

-Well, we've had a few calls
from hysterical parents.

It seems a few of your seniors
never made it home last night.

-You mean those kids
on the track team.

-What do you know about it?

-Inspector, today
is graduation day.

Those kids are being kicked
out of the nest, so to speak.

From now on, it's fly
or fall on their own.

They were probably
just out raising hell.

Why?
Why are their parents so upset?

That's what I don't understand.

-Neither do I.
That's why I'm here.

[Indistinct conversations]

-Hey, Chief.
What's the good word?

-Where's your badge?

-Must have lost it.

-Here's a list of home rooms.

Check them out, alright?

-Got you covered.

What if -- what if
they're not there?

-Then you write in your
report "not there."

-Do you want me
to look for them?

-No, MacGregor, we're here
to make a report, that's all.

About a bunch of inconsiderate,
irresponsible kids

about to fly out of
their nest and shit all

over the rest of us, alright?

So make it and let's go, huh?

I get claustrophobia just
being around schools.

-I got you covered.

-[Breathing steadily]

♪

♪

[Screaming]

♪

[Clock ticking]

♪

♪

♪

-Impressive, isn't it?

-It's too bad about
Coach Michaels.

-Yes. Yes, it is.
It is a pity.

He was a fine coach.

But that's the way
it is in public life.

You're only as good
as your last mistake.

Sobering thought, isn't it?

How's your report coming?

-I'm working on it.

♪

♪

♪

♪

Coach Michaels?
I'm Inspector Halliday.

Uh, six seniors didn't make
it home last night.

Would you know
anything about that?

-No.

-You didn't see anything?
You didn't hear anything?

There's nothing you can tell me?

-No.

-They were all on
your track team.

-I don't have a team.

-How do you mean that?

-In case you haven't
heard, I've been canned.

-I heard.

-Good.

Will you excuse me?

If there's nothing else,
I have to finish packing.

-Sure.

I'll see you at the
graduation ceremonies.

♪

♪

-No, there's no need to worry.

They're probably
out just planning,

you know, like, a big, big
graduation day surprise.

That's all, ma'am.

-Oh, wow.
That was quick.

Okay, so, if your kid
doesn't come home

at night,
what do you do?

You call the school principal,
right?

You don't call the police.
[Laughter]

Although the police
do show up in the form

of Inspector Halliday.

So, yeah, let's introduce yet
another meaningless character

like the music teacher.

And how about that
pole vaulter kill?

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

That was not just
any pole vaulter.

That was Tom Hintnaus,
the number one

pool vaulter at the U.S.
Olympic trials in 1980.

-Shut up.
-Unfortunately, the U.S.

boycotted
the Olympics that year,

so he never got
to go for the gold.

But who would want a gold medal

when you've already been
immortalized in "Graduation Day"

as the dude who was
so focused on clearing the bar

that he didn't realize
he was about to land

on 37 giant metal spikes.

So...

[Laughter]

Good kill, Darcy?
-It was awesome.

What are you talking about?
-I should mention --

I should mention
that the gore effects

were all created by Jill Rockow

who also did the effects
in "Beyond Evil."

And she is yet another female
in the mostly all male world

of special effects makeup.

She went on to win
primetime Emmys

for "Star Trek:
Deep Space Nine,"

and "The Shining" mini series.

And that's also
her work in "Deadly Eyes"

and the always popular

"Friday the 13th:
Final Chapter."

-Whoo.
-Okay, Darcy,

are you ready to graduate?

-I am so ready.

-Alright, you got time
to collect your thoughts

because the movie is
going to end

two or three times now.
[Laughter]

-I love the ending.

-Which ending?
-You know what I mean?

-Well, except for
the lame kung fu ending,

I do know what you mean.

-It's adorable.

-They released this flick
in the Los Angeles market

right at high school
graduation time in 1981,

and it killed at the box office.

In fact, it did so well
that during the rest of its run

as it moved around the country,
it was usually

on a double feature with
John Carpenter's "The Thing."

And for a lot of that time,
it was outgrossing "The Thing."

Unfortunately,
if you only have 200 prints,

you can only release it
on graduation day in one place.

And then you have
diminishing returns by the time

you get to New York
and it's wintertime, you know?

I got put on
the, um, this movie got put on

the Video Nasty list in the UK.
-What?

-I know, right?
-For what?

It was put on
the Video Nasty list,

so it didn't do so well over
in the UK.

But it's probably Herb Freed's
most successful movie.

He would go on
to make six more movies,

including "Tomboy"
with Betsy Russell,

"Survival Game"
with Mike Norris,

son of Chuck Norris.

And his latest movie was
in 1999, "Paradise Lost,"

which is an Amazon
rainforest mystery.

The most successful participant

to come out a graduation day
was, of course, Vanna White.

The last time I checked,

she was pulling
in $15 million a year

just in slot machine royalties.
-Dang, girl.

-Remember the newspaper
cameraman who takes

the team picture
and he takes pictures

of the gymnast
on the uneven bars.

That's Aaron Butler.

He was the casting director
for the film,

and he would go on
to drive-in immortality

as the screenwriter of the women
in prison classic

"Chained Heat."
-Yeah. Whoo!

-And as we head toward
the many faceted conclusions

of "Graduation Day,"

I want everybody to keep in mind

the philosophy
of the band Felony.

Well, I never find the answer
to what I'm thinking of,

so I just keep on thinking
and doing the gangster rock.

-Fuck, yeah.
-That was the lyric.

-Like I don't know.

-Whenever you don't
understand,

do the gangster rock.

-Wisdom.
-Roll it.

I've decided to trust you,
Darcy.

-How so?

-I'm trusting that whatever
you are wearing under that gown

will not get us into trouble.

-Oh, sir.
You should never trust me.

-I know.
That's what I thought.

Free the nipple.

You know, let's wait

until we pass the 28th amendment
to the Constitution,

the Free the Nipple Amendment,

and then you can do
whatever you want.

-Sometimes we
can't wait on history.

We have to make our own.
-Who said that?

Really? Who said that?
Thomas Payne?

We can't wait on history.

-That's a Darcy MG original.

-Oh, okay.

[Laughter]

♪

[Static]

-Do you believe her?

She thinks she's such hot stuff.

-I know it.

-What do you think she's
going to wear to that party?

-She's a bitch.

-She's gonna be
miss prima donna,

like she's really something.

-Yeah, I know.

I can't stand people like that.

-I can't stand her.

-Oh, God.

I hope I don't have
to see her next year.

-Joanne.
-What?

-Joanne, come here.

-What?

-Look at this.

Look.

It's blood.

-What is it?

-It is.
It's blood.

♪

[Both screaming]

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Both screaming]

♪

-No, no!

-Go get help, quick.

♪

-Help!
-Help me! Help!

Get the police!

-Coach Michaels killed Sally.

Get the police!
Come quick!

-I'm going to make sure you
don't get away this time.

-Coach is trying to kill us!

-Who's holding the coach?

-[Screaming]

Please help!

♪

♪

-[Grunting]

♪

♪

♪

-Kevin, are you all right?

-Coach Michaels,
you've got to get him.

Coach --
-Is it broken?

Oh, you're bleeding.

Oh, I'm sorry.
-It's alright.

-What did he do to you?
-Don't worry about it.

-Inspector, can't you
cover that girl up?

-Find something
to cover the body.

-What?
-I don't know.

A towel, a shower
curtain, something.

-I'm all right.

Is it broken?
-No, it's all right.

Please.

-Miss?

Could I see you a minute?

Do you know who
these people are?

-Yes.
It's the track team.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-I'm going to make
you pay, Michaels.

I'm going to make you pay.

-You don't understand nothing.

-Kevin, don't try
to do this alone!

-You hear that, Michaels?

You hear that?
They're coming to get you.

They're coming to
get you, Michaels.

Your killing days are over.

-Shut up!
-Over here!

Over here, everybody!
Come on, Michaels!

♪

♪

♪

-Kevin!

Detective.

We've got to find them.

-Who are you?
What's your stake in all this?

♪

♪

-[Grunts]

♪

♪

-You don't understand.

I've never killed
anybody in my life.

It's all been a
terrible mistake.

-Don't play innocent
with me, Michaels.

I was there.

I saw you kill her.

-What are you talking about?

-You killed Laura.

You all killed her.

And now you've all
got to be punished.

-You killed Sally?

-Sally, Ralph, Diane,

Paula, Tony, Pete!

♪

All of them.

Yeah, that's right.

You all had to be punished.

But I saved the best for
last, didn't I, Michaels?

Because you're
the only one left.

And you're the best for last.

30 seconds.

That's all it took.

Just 30 seconds
from the time you

first pushed Laura
in the race until you

and the others killed her.

Just 30 seconds.

Come on, Laura!

Come on, you can do it.

Come on, just a little bit more!

Move your ass, Laura!

Come on, 28 seconds.

30 seconds and...

you're dead.

Did you know my whole life
was changed in just 30 seconds.

We were going to be married.

Laura and me, married.

Today, just after graduation.

Today!

Today, Michaels!

♪

Michaels!

[Gunshots]

♪

♪

-Kevin, are you all right?

-He -- he killed -- I tried to
get him to tell you, but he --

-I know. We know.
It's all right now. I know.

-Kevin, do you think you
can make it to the station?

I'd like you to
make a statement.

-Yeah.
-What kind of a statement?

-Just for the record.

Exactly what happened, what
you saw, what he said to you.

Maybe you can help us make
some sense out of this mess.

-I'll go with you.
-No. No.

Look, I don't want
you getting involved. Please.

I'll go.

-I mean, did you ever see
anything so awful in your life?

You never know.

You work with people day after
day, week after week,

month after month, year after --

-Blondie. Blondie.
-What?

-Could you get
Laura's trophy for me?

I want to make sure I have
it before I leave tomorrow.

-Laura Ramstead's trophy?

-Yes.

-Kevin Badger picked it up
with her diploma.

-Are you sure?
-Well, sure I'm sure.

This morning.

In fact, he said that you
said that you wanted him to.

You did, didn't you?

I mean, Kevin's not the kind
of boy that would lie, is he?

-No.

No, of course not.

Thank you, Blondie.

Thank you.
-Sure.

[Clock ticking]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-Excuse me.

I didn't know anyone was --

[Screams]

♪

♪

-Grandma can't hear you.

And Laura really
prefers it quiet.

Don't you, sweetheart?

You see?

♪

You wouldn't believe how
awful they were to her.

They just stuck
her in the ground

and pretended like she --
like she never existed.

Nobody would even
talk about her?

You couldn't mention her name.

But I set them straight.

Now they're all dead
and gone, and Laura's

here with me forever.

I'm glad you're the
one that's here, Anne.

I want you to be the first
one to kiss the bride.

-The bride?
-Well, sure.

We're going to get married
just after graduation,

just like we planned.

♪

I thought you loved her.

What kind of a sister are you?

She's your own flesh and blood.

You're as bad as the others.

You want to try and
hurt my Laura, too.

You don't deserve
to live either.

♪

You want to try and hurt
my Laura, don't you?

Admit it.

Come on, Anne.

You don't love her.

You never loved her.

I'm going to have
to teach you, too.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Crowd chanting "Laura!"]

♪

♪

-[Screaming]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-[Grunts]

♪

♪

-[Screams]

♪

[Screaming]

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Chord strikes]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-Terrible.
Just terrible.

What more can you say?

Oh, Anne, honey, couldn't you
stay just a little while more?

-I have to be on that plane
first thing tomorrow morning.

I'm sorry, Mama.

I really am.

-Where's my vodka, damn it?

-Good night, honey.

[Dog barking]

♪

[Bell tolling]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-[Screams]

♪

♪

-Dug up from the grave.

-You did.

Woke her up?

-What you ever come here for?

Trouble.

Never nothing but trouble.

-Aren't you ashamed?

You woke up Anne in
the middle of the night.

Come on, honey.

Let's go beddy-bye.

Say good night, everybody.

You have to forgive Ronald.

He's been through a lot.

Sleep tight.

Don't let the bed bugs bite.

♪

♪

[Engine starts]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Stopwatch clicks]

-"Graduation Day"
basically has four endings.

One, Kevin chases the coach
and Inspector Halliday

shoots the wrong guy.

Two, Anne discovers
the dead body

of her sister in Kevin's room.

Three, Kevin chases Anne
across the athletic field,

gets kung fu'ed and spiked.

And four,
Anne has that shock nightmare

where she sees
a knife-wielding Kevin,

but it's really her
vodka-wielding stepdad.

And then we never get to the
actual graduation day ceremony.

But we don't make mistakes like
that at "The Last Drive-In."

Are you ready, Maestro?

Welcome, 2024 graduates

of the Briggs High School
of Exploitation Center.

Whether you have studied online

or studied here at the campus
in Senoia, Georgia,

I want you to know that you are
the future of horror

and you are the future
of American film

and horror film
for that matter.

So please come forward now
to receive your diplomas.

And always remember,
follow the money.

["Pomp and Circumstance"
playing]

[Joe Bob singing]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-[Laughs] Yeah!

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-♪ The gangster rock

-Congratulations.
-Whoo!

[Cheers and applause]

-Supposed to throw your hat,
not my hat.

Okay, congratulations, Darcy.
-Whoo!

You are graduated.
-You did it!

-[Laughs] Okay, now have a seat
because --

-Oh, we have more to do?
-Yeah, have a seat 'cause

I have some bad news for you.

-Alright. What?

-Um, you got an incomplete.

-What?

-You got an incomplete
in A24 horror,

and so you have to make it
up in summer school.

-Does that mean
we're doing summer school?

-Yeah, we are.

-Just like old school
"MonsterVision?"

-Yeah, just like it.
[Cheers and applause]

Three summer school sessions
beginning June 7.

-I'll be there.
Yay.

-Do you feel ready
to conquer the world now?

-Didn't you just say I'm
the superintendent of schools?

-Well, yes, you are.
Yeah, I did say that.

-Then I am ready to design
the summer school curriculum.

-Well, let's not go that far.

-I'm gonna tell you
what to teach and what to show.

-You will?
-Oh, I will.

And I have to take care
of the Mutant students.

-Alright.
And speaking of the Mutants,

thanks everybody
for the overwhelming support

we've had for this latest season
of "The Last Drive-In."

I'm Joe Bob Briggs
with Darcy the Mail Girl,

Professor Darcy the Mail Girl
I guess now,

reminding you that
a closed mouth gathers no feet.

And the drive-in will never die.

-Oh, okay. Smart.
[Laughter]

-A horse walks into a bar.

Bartender says, "Hey."

Horse says, "Sure."

[Laughter]

-Go back to school.
-Okay.

Here's another one.
Here's another one.

The sky was looking ominous,

so I got my phone out,
and I said, "Siri, surely

it's not going to rain today.

And she replied, "Yes, it is,
and don't call me Shirley."

And that's when I realized I
left my phone on airplane mode.

[Laughter]

-You can tell
the diehard "Airplane" fans.

[Laughter]

-♪ We are drive-in mutants

-♪ Drive-in mutants

-♪ We are not like
other people ♪

♪ We are sick
-♪ Sick

-♪ We are disgusting
-♪ Disgusting

-♪ We believe in,
we believe in ♪

-♪ Blood

♪ And breasts

♪ And beasts

-♪ Yeah, we believe in

-♪ Blood

♪ And breasts

♪ And beasts

-♪ If life had a vomit meter
-♪ Vomit meter

-♪ We'd be off the scale
-♪ Off the scale

-♪ As long as one drive-in
remains on the planet Earth ♪

♪ We will party like
jungle animals ♪

♪ We will boogie till we puke

-♪ Boogie till we puke

-♪ The drive-in will never die

♪ We will boogie till we puke

-♪ Boogie till we puke

-♪ The drive-in will never die

-♪ We believe in

♪ Blood

♪ And breasts

♪ And beasts

-♪ We believe in

-♪ Blood

♪ And breasts

♪ And beasts

-♪ Yeah, we believe in

-Made in Georgia.