Original subtitles

MILLER: Shit, where is it, Gasmer? Need the key to my stick.

GASMER: Come on, Yanny, you got the scoreboard.

You no score in two years. Jesus.

FEMALE REPORTER: Okay, Sean, do you have time for just one more question?

LINDEN: Yeah, yeah, sure.

REPORTER: What do you think about the public outcry

concerning the violence in hockey?

LINDEN: Well, you know, the game of hockey

is a fast moving, hard hitting contact sport played by men

with clubs in their hands and blades on their feet.

Now, the team with the most goals and men still standing in the end is the winner.

Lesser men play other games.

Real men play real hockey.

Old time hockey. Coach...

Whichever one of these assholes took my blow dryer better give it back

or I'm gonna key their fuckin' car!

That's the spirit, Miller! All right, guys, now come on, let's go.

We're only down four, we could get back in.

Let's go. Let's do something.

Palmberg, light a match and get your stinkin' ass out on the ice.

Now let's go.

LINDEN: Come on, boys. Come on, guys, let's go.

Hey, Linden, you guys suck! Fuck off.

Kiss my ass!

Mother fucker... Miller, Miller, let it go.

Come on, let's go. Come here, I'll kick your ass!

You're a fucking loser, Linden!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we're working on it!

ANNOUNCER: Third period action about to begin.

The Albany Dogs having their way with the Charlestown Chiefs, four to nothing.

Albany holding firm with that second seat in the federal league playoff picture.

The Chiefs holding on to the cellar.

Here we go.

Aw, shit!

Well, Dog Pound fans, you're missing one hell of a game tonight!

The Dog Pound leads five to nothing!

Our boys are tearing into the Chiefs tonight!

The fuse to the C4 is lit, baby! Sit down and get ready!

Come on, guys, let's get together! Let's go!

Come on, guys, kick some ass!

Keep your head up. Get up. Weaver!

Shit, I think that's a scout up there. Where?

LINDEN: Right there with the good-looking chick.

Oh, yeah, I see him. Let's go. Change! Change!

Come on, Miller.

Well, with only 10 minutes to play,

the Chiefs really gotta get something going here tonight.

It's no secret that the Chiefs' big problem all year has been defense.

They say Gasmer has allowed more rubber between his legs than a $10 hooker.

I could say that, can't I?

Fuckin' punk. Son of a bitch!

ANNOUNCER: Russell on the rocks. Brings it into the Chiefs zone.

Gasmer who has his back to the play... Fuck you, English!

...gives the finger to the Albany fans!

Can you believe it?

Gasmer turns, swears to Russell back-to-back, shoots

and hits him right in the helmet!

Get your head out of your ass, you crazy bastard!

Wolfhard feathers it over to Miller on the rush. Miller takes it.

Miller, Miller, Miller, pass the puck! Pass the...

ANNOUNCER: Linden over to the left. Miller takes a shot,

glove save by Hertz!

LINDEN: Hold on!

Time out!

Let's go! Get over here!

Hey, Albany fans, here come our beloved Dog Pound!

Let's hear it for them!

What the hell is going on out there? Miller, pass the Goddamn puck!

I didn't see you. Bullshit! Start passing the puck.

I don't care if there's a scout in the stands!

And, Gasmer, if I catch you doing your crazy serial killer routine again,

especially when there's a two-on-nothing, I'm gonna cut your full head off,

you got me? Now let's go!

Come on, guys, let's get something started.

Boys, show us what you've got.

ALL: Yeah!

Let's go! Let get the son of a bitch!

These guys are nuts, man.

Yeah, I know.

But aren't they great?

Come on, Jeff. Time to bust some balls.

Well, it looks like Linden is trying

to shake things up with the Hanson brothers.

Why don't you move it, you fuckin' retard?

We're trying to put a fuckin' show on here.

Uh-oh.

ANNOUNCER: Hey, what's this? The Hansons are moving away from the faceoff.

Sweet Jesus, they couldn't be!

Marty, I'm coming!

Oh, my God, the benches are starting to clear!

This is great! Come on, guys, not again.

ANNOUNCER: Hanson brothers' fists are in and out like fiddler's elbows!

I got the head!

ANNOUNCER: They just ripped off Casey Dog's fuckin' head!

Oh, the humanity!

Get over here! Come on, come on!

Hey, how do you like the dog hair now, huh?

Steve, I want to hold it. I want to hold it.

No, I grabbed it. I'm the one that knocked it off!

Hi, honey. Lost another one.

Hey, Linden, you going to The Catch?

No. I've got to go see the old man. I'll see you over there.

All right.

What's so important it couldn't wait until tomorrow?

How's your shoulder, son?

Well, you know, same old shit.

I heard the game on the radio. Hell of a third period.

We were lucky to get out of there before the cops showed up.

Had to leave before the cops showed up, that's a good one.

What the hell is going on here?

First the compliment about the game

and then you actually like one of my jokes.

Don't tell me you made another great deal on some boys from the prison league.

No, it's not like that. This is good news,

although it will come as a bit of a shock.

What's the good news, Fox?

I sold the Chiefs.

What?

Why, just because we've been losing a little bit?

We have won 10 games in the last two years.

So? That just means that we're due, that's all, Martin.

It means nothing of the sort. What it does mean is that I can't make the payroll.

I mean nobody is coming to our games.

I can't even pay the Federal League dues.

I mean every time I switch the light on in my office, I'm losing money.

Who'd you sell us to?

Oh, that's the beauty of it.

I made you guys a terrific deal.

They're going to pay you twice as much as I do.

And this is no rinky-dink league. No, sir.

From now on it's gonna be, uh...

It's gonna be decent restaurants, paid travel,

and you're all even gonna get per diem.

Are you bullshitting me, Martin?

On my mother's grave.

We have won the lotto.

No shit?

No shit.

Wow.

So who do we play?

Well, I'm afraid that the team is being relocated.

So the boys will have to pack up and move.

To where? Omaha.

Nebraska.

What the fuck do they know about hockey in Omaha, Nebraska?

Who knows?

But Richmond Claremont,

you know, the media guy who owns all those family channels,

it's his league and that's where his headquarters are.

I don't know if the guys are going to go for the Nebraska part.

I mean, some of these guys, you know,

they still got dreams about going to the NHL.

Yes, but you and I know that with the exception of Miller,

that's just pipe dreams.

And even he's a long shot.

What are you talking about? That kid's got talent.

Sean, he knocked out a referee

in a championship game.

He's a head case.

I know, I know. I'm working on it.

Yeah, well, that's beside the point.

This is a good deal, Sean.

It's a good deal. And the boys will go for Nebraska.

They will go for it because you're their captain, you're their coach.

They listen to you. They do.

And you're an ex-NHL pro, with a big rep.

Not anymore.

I owe you one.

Hey, Coach!

You guys fucking suck!

They had better defense at the Alamo. We're working on it.

Yeah, work on this! Give it up, Dickey.

Hey, Hap. No!

I dropped a quarter down here and I'm gonna find it.

That was two years ago, you cheap bastard!

What's up, Boo?

I might have a bun in the oven, Coach.

Oh, great, the wife?

Oh, Christ. Not again.

Tell her to get a blood test. Get a blood test.

Hang up. Hang up.

Thanks, Coach. You got it.

Yeah, hi. This is Martin Matthews

calling from American Express Collections...

WOMAN: Yeah, this is Discover Card Collections calling...

How did the fucking guys get my number?

MAN: Hey, Linden, I'm a long time fan, man,

and you suck the big one, buddy!

Prick.

One, two.

One, two.

One, two.

One, two.

HOST: Go ahead, Leticia.

I'm not really a woman...

Holy shit, a transvestite!

What does mean, this transvestite?

It's like a woman but it still has a dick.

Ah, the dick.

I like your hair. Thanks.

Is that your natural color?

Yes.

Because a lot of redheads say it's their natural color, but it's not.

Believe me, it's real.

Why don't you prove it to me?

How?

Why don't you let me take a look down below

and see if the carpet matches the drapes?

You're a pig.

What?

It's scientific.

Dyke.

Gasmer, are you sure you flushed the toilet twice?

Help! Excusez-moi!

You crazy bastard!

On the management, Sean.

Thanks, Hap.

Crappy third period.

We're working on it.

I got high score, you fuckin' piece of shit!

Piece of shit! Lay off the machine, Steve!

Fuckin' machine took my quarter!

I'll give you the quarter. Relax!

Piece of shit! Where's the button?

Hey!

Come on, guys. Knock it off

ALL: Sorry, Coach.

ALL: Piece of shit!

Hey, I was watching that!

Just one minute, eh, I got to see the Lottery America numbers.

Aw, man, you didn't spend our friggin' money

on those stupid lottery tickets again?

How are we supposed to eat now, Jeff?

Hey, don't worry, guys. I know I'm gonna win this time.

You always say that. That's what you always say.

Hey, I got 50 tickets here, all with different kinds of even numbers on them.

You know what they say about even numbers? What?

They're lucky! JACK: Right.

TELEVISION ANNOUNCER: All right, folks.

The first number in tonight's Lottery America draw is seven.

Son of a bitch!

Oh, great. Now we gotta eat

that beef jerky for another month.

I hate that fuckin' beef jerky!

What did ya give him the money for?

I didn't give him the money!

We're watching that!

LINDEN: Relax, Miller.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Listen up, fellows,

for this very important announcement.

Well, now what gotta tell you may come as a bit of a shock to some of you

but I promise,

this is a very, very good thing for all of us.

Coach, come on, what's the announcement?

Yeah, spill it, Sean.

The Chiefs have been sold.

MILLER: What? Fuck!

MILLER: Elaborate, Linden! Sean, who bought the team?

Richmond Claremont, the media guy with all the family channels.

Family channels. Family channels?

What league?

Some new league he's starting.

Look, I don't have all the details.

This is bullshit! I got a contract!

Yeah, well, it's been sold.

Where the fuck is the team going?

Beautiful Omaha, Nebraska. ALL: Nebraska?

Nebraska? They don't know shit about hockey in Nebraska.

What are you talking about, Palmberg?

They got beautiful lakes in Nebraska.

This is a good thing.

Me, I don't like to move 'cause that would disturb my routine.

Screw your routine, psycho. What about scouts? What about the NHL?

It's hard enough to get anyone to come watch us play in this shit league!

Do you think anyone is going to scout us in fuckin' Nebraska?

The boy's got a point.

Come on, guys, look at the bright side.

Here's the deal, they're gonna double our salaries.

We're gonna start to travel in style.

They're giving us fuckin' per diem.

Fuck per diem! Fuck that!

Look, there's nothing we can do about it, all right?

This is a good thing, guys.

Just give yourself some time to think about it.

And if you don't like it,

call your fuckin' agents.

Ahem!

They don't sound very happy.

They'll get over it.

Didn't I see you at the game tonight?

What sharp little eyes you have.

You were in Albany and then you came all the way back here?

I did. Any particular reason?

I just came to size you boys up.

Right.

Do you want to get out of here with me,

go somewhere and get a nightcap?

Uh, I am gonna get out of here.

But I'm going to settle my tab and go home alone.

But thanks, it was nice talking to you.

Coach, you got a minute?

Yeah, sure, kid.

It's about this deal. Do you really think it's a good idea

'cause I got a feeling this is my year to go up to the show, you know?

Well, you know, you really can't predict the show.

MILLER: I know. But you gotta admit,

my attitude's really changed, like you said.

I've improved it, you know?

Absolutely. You've done terrific.

I just hope this league is a little more high profile than the Federal League.

Absolutely.

That's all I really wanted to know.

See you tomorrow.

Hey, hold up.

Where you going?

I'm going back to my hotel.

Do you need some company?

Uh, I think you took my interest the wrong way.

How should I take it?

I think you should take it back inside and sober up

before both of us do something we might regret.

Okay.

I don't think there's anything you can do to me that I would ever

regret. Yes, there is.

Get over here.

Shoot.

LINDEN: Oh, yeah, it was a big son of a bitch.

I had to kick his ass and run him off.

No shit. Hey, Miller, did you hear this?

The coach kicked some guy's ass outside the bar last night.

Does he look worse than you?

Hey, Coach, I got a question for you.

Hey, what the hell happened to your face?

Some guy tried to mug the coach.

Yeah, a big fucker tried to roll me!

Hey, guys, the coach kicked someone's ass!

Hey, Linden, who was that piece of ass you were talking to at the bar last night?

I don't know. Probably some psychotic fan or something.

Psychotic chicks, always the best fucks.

I remember when was playing junior in Calgary,

there was this 20-year-old blonde chick.

Anyway, I got this hooker to come over

with her dog and... Hey, Palmberg,

is that one of yours?

She's nuts.

Shit.

HANSONS: Wow. A hockey chick.

You lost? Is this where the Chiefs practice?

Yeah, so?

Well, then I'm in the right place.

I'm Jessie Dage, your new coach.

What the hell are you talking about?

Fox didn't tell you?

This is kind of awkward.

It's part of the sale.

Nice shiner.

Take it easy, Sean. Take it easy.

You backstabbing son of a bitch!

Take it easy?

You hire another coach and you have the fucking balls to tell me...

Maybe I can explain.

Who the hell is this?

Rick Cooper. I represent Richmond Claremont and the new league.

Yeah, well, you better start talking, dick head.

That's funny. Hockey players are funny.

Sean Linden, played 1984 through '87 for Boston University.

Let's see.

Uh...

All-American twice, led the nation

in scoring your junior year, and led your team to a national title.

What the hell is this?

COOPER: Third pick overall in the '88 draft to Boston.

Finished second in rookie of the year voting.

Second year you were an all-star.

Hockey Weekl billed you as the next Gordie Howe.

So what?

Then the numerous on and off ice infractions.

Eight suspensions for fighting.

Six arrests in two years for drunk driving, drunken and disorderly,

numerous gambling infractions, and, how shall I put this?

One public sexual incident with the lead of Visions on Ice,

all climaxing with your suspension for the suspected organizing

in the throwing of game seven in the '92 playoffs.

Who is this fucking guy?

What is this, a fucking biography?

COOPER: The bottom line, Mr. Linden,

is your past is an issue for the new league.

So much so that your contract was almost terminated.

Mr. Fox convinced us that if you were to move to a less visible role,

you could still be useful.

A less visible role?

I'm sorry, Sean, it's a done deal.

That's it?

After all these years, that's it, I'm out? Just like that.

I'm afraid so.

But look at the bright side.

You still get to play hockey everyday

and you still get paid to do it.

It's a fuckin' joke, right? Boys, I can't believe it either.

PALMBERG: Yeah, but she's a woman.

Uh... Woman or not,

she's the new coach.

Now listen to me, it's a done deal,

so let's try to make it work.

She does have a great ass.

Well, now that we're all in such a festive mood,

why don't we talk about this team?

You guys are all lacking.

There's no pride, there's no chemistry.

You forecheck like schoolgirls.

You let the opposition crash the net at will.

I know you have to hate me for a while because I'm a woman, I get that.

But here's the deal, we're stuck with each other.

So you could go ahead and call me a bitch behind my back, I really don't care.

When I am talking to you, you're gonna listen.

You got it?

End-to-ends, let's go.

You think she has a dog?

Miller!

"Ooh! Dump the puck, dump the puck!"

Jesus Christ, the first sign of trouble,

you get scared and dump the puck in the comer.

We're playing a trap. It's the only way to get it in the zone.

Well, here's an idea. Why don't you take it in there yourself?

They're all over me.

Well, then you skate through them.

You knock them on their ass.

That's what a real hockey player does.

Honey, you wouldn't know a real hockey player if you fucked Bobby Orr.

Oh, no.

She fucked Bobby Orr.

She fucked Bobby Orr. She fucked Bobby Orr.

HANSONS: Hockey chick!

Okay. Palmberg, you and Miller trap the neutral zone.

When I come in, you do your best.

No problem, Coach.

The rest of you guys sit down.

LINDEN: She's coming on fast, Palmberg.

PALMBERG: Miller... Fuck!

Shit!

She looks like Bobby Orr to me.

Did you see that, boys? Louisiana move.

What is this? HANSONS: Blue Bayou.

Hey, Fuse, did you forgot to take your pills today?

Ah, fuck.

We were taking it easy on you 'cause you're a woman.

Do that again. Sure.

MILLER: Come on, princess, bring it on!

PALMBERG: Fuckin' Miller!

Who taught you how to do that?

My grandfather, actually.

No shit.

Oh, now I get it.

You boys ever heard of Billy Dage?

Had the meanest slap shot in hockey.

Won the Stanley Cup three times.

That's his granddaughter.

What sharp little eyes you have.

You guys get out of here. The bus leaves in the morning

and you want to get a good night's sleep.

We want you nice and handsome

for the press conference tomorrow.

She won't last long. Chicks are soft and sensitive.

Yeah, right.

She's about as soft and sensitive as a right hook.

Taking that missed shot a little hard, aren't you?

You should know.

Listen, I didn't get the chance before so...

About last night, I just wanted to say... Forget about it.

Really, I obviously didn't know...

Well, I got the last word in, didn't I?

Yeah.

I've seen that replay a thousand times.

Everyone has.

That must kill you.

No!

It doesn't bother me.

Is it true, did you throw that game?

What do you think?

I don't know.

Well, let me know when you do.

Linden.

Do you know what's really going on now?

Yeah.

Well, when are you gonna tell the guys about it?

Soon. Just waiting for the right moment.

Well, don't wait too long. It's only going to make it worse.

I'll keep that in mind.

Here. Have some jerky. I don't want it.

It's really good, man.

JACK: Get outta here. Leave it alone.

Bet's 10 bucks.

I'm out. Schenkman, you're a cheap bastard.

Every time the betting gets a little heavy, you fold. I do so.

Whatever. Palmberg, how many cards?

None. I'm sitting pretty sucking on lady luck's titty.

Gasmer? I'll take two.

What if you got dealt a royal flush?

Would you still ask for two cards?

Me, I don't know.

I thought this medication was supposed to be helping your nutty ass.

What do they got you on

No, no, it's working. It's working.

MILLER: Then take only one card.

I take two.

Crazy bastard. What about you, Yanny?

I, uh...

Yeah, five.

You can't take five, Chernobyl.

Dvotcha, I thought you taught him how to play poker?

(DVOTCHA SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

JANACEK: Three.

You still haven't told them.

I'm still waiting for the right moment.

Hey, listen up, you guys.

Linden's got something very important he needs to tell you.

Ahem. Fine.

Fine.

All right, guys, listen up.

Some things I gotta tell you about this new league.

Now.

You guys ever heard of the Harlem Globetrotters?

We going against Globetrotters?

But they playing basketball, no, Coach?

We're not playing against the Globetrotters, Dvotcha.

But you know when they play, how it's a lot of fun.

And they do a lot of specialized tricks

and there's a lot of, you know, razzle-dazzle.

That's what we're gonna do?

Not exactly.

Now, you guys have heard of the Washington Nationals?

Those are the chumps that play against the Globetrotters.

Right? Right.

That's gonna be us?

I'm sorry, I'm Czech, maybe I'm not understanding.

We are to these people losing every game?

Something like that, yes.

This is bullshit.

We getting fucked in the dick. Yes, in the dick!

No, the ass. We're getting fucked in the ass.

Yes. That too.

LINDEN: Guys, guys.

It's about the money.

Right?

I mean come on, we all got bills.

Some of us got expensive mortgages.

Some of you got kids with high school tuitions, right?

And they're giving us per diem.

Fuck per diem!

Fuck the money!

Don't you guys see what's going on around here?

We've been sold out.

We go along with this, that's it for hockey.

We could officially kiss our careers goodbye.

That's not true. We're playing real hockey as well.

No shit?

Yeah, it's in my contract.

We play half exhibition games

and half real games against these guys.

This is horseshit. She doesn't know

what the fuck she's talking about!

JESSIE: You again with the mouth!

I know more about what I signed on to do here

than all of you guys put together.

You're gonna get more exposure in one game

in this league than if you played five years in the Federal League.

It's real hockey on real TV for real money.

You know what it sound... It sounds like real bullshit!

You know how sure I am we're going to play real games?

I'm gonna outskate you on the ice and off. Ready?

I'll make you guys a little bet.

You ask me anything about hockey.

You all get one shot. If I get them all right,

we're in this together, okay?

Okay, okay, okay.

But if we win,

you have to show us your tits for...

10 seconds.

We would like to see 15 seconds.

Don't do it. No problem.

Done. Nice!

You're fuckin' nuts!

Let's go! Who's up?

Okay, sweetheart, who's the first team to win a game by 15 goals?

Detroit Red Wings.

Beat the Rangers 15-zip, 1944. Sweet cheeks.

You're out. Who's up?

Only team to score nine goals in one period?

Buffalo Sabers beat Toronto, 1981. You're out. Next?

Question.

Uh, the first time the goalie,

he wear the mask on the NHL.

Clint Benedict, 1930. Bye.

Next?

Who was the first brother to play in the NHL?

Willie O'Ree, Boston Bruins, 1958.

You're damn right.

Next.

What ya got, boys?

He's asking if you are married,

would you do sleeping with left-winger

for inspiring on big game?

So, you're out.

Which NHL player has the biggest cock?

Bobby Orr.

Bobby!

Hockey chick!

All right.

Do I get a question? Shoot.

Toronto coach, Cal Jarvis,

what were his dying bedside words to his wife?

"I love you more than hockey."

She's a hockey chic.

Well, boys, I heard they got great steaks in Omaha.

Wow.

Maybe we were wrong about all this. This is pretty big time.

Hey.

Hey. Rick Cooper, press secretary,

lawyer and jack-of-all trades from Mr. Claremont's office.

Now, he's asked me to look after you guys.

Any problems, any questions, I'm your man.

First thing...

We have got some great new uniforms for you guys.

WOLFHARD: It looks like a friggin' rooster.

Super Chiefs.

What the hell is that? We're the Chiefs.

Well, Mr. Claremont doesn't want an incident

like the Atlanta Braves with their PC Indian problems.

So we, uh, just altered the name.

Super Chiefs is the name of a train.

Nothing more American than that, right?

Problem solved. No, no.

I know, excuse me.

See that, we wear that for many year.

I can't not wear that, okay?

Sure you can. No.

No. See, I don't think you understand.

I can't not wear that shirt.

You better listen to him on this one, Cooper.

He's out on a weekend pass from the psycho ward.

All right. Um, hey, how about this?

You wear your old one underneath your new one.

Okay, me, I like that, me.

Thank you.

Hey, they gave me fuckin' 16. I'm supposed to be 17.

Hey, I'm 16!

They gave me 17, the assholes! I'm supposed to be 18!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Time out! Time out!

Coach is here.

Here, and we go like this.

All right, Coach. Thanks, Coach!

Hey, you got it. Thanks, Coach!

See ya later, Coach.

Hey, look. We're going to look like communist clowns again, huh?

Yeah.

What is with the wings?

Oh, it's the Better America logo.

What is Better America?

It's America's most respected family values organization.

Heads up.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome

the President and CEO of Claremont Family Media,

Richmond Claremont!

Thank you.

Thank you.

My son loves hockey.

And last year I took him to a Rangers game.

I was shocked and appalled at what we saw.

Fighting, cursing, blood.

Good thing you didn't go to Detroit.

CLAREMONT: What a shame!

All these beautiful kids in the country

with nothing but thugs as role models.

So I decided to create a fun and exciting hockey game

that the family can go to.

There will be no violence, no fighting.

Shit.

CLAREMONT: Just a good bunch of clean-cut action.

So, it is with great pride, enthusiasm and joy

that I introduce to you, your new Omaha Ice Breakers!

Ice Breakers? Everything Ice Breakers.

What about us? What about the Chiefs?

Fuckin' Super Chiefs!

Now, we needed to find a coach to bring

the Ice Breakers some style.

So, we went all the way to Broadway to find him.

I would like to introduce to you the creator

and choreographer of the family smash musical hit,

Visions on Ice. Oh, shit!

Mr. Dexter Howell!

What, you know him? No.

Thank you, Mr. Claremont.

Well, this is very exciting, isn't it?

We have assembled for you a very fine, very talented,

world class group of hockey artists.

And I promise you are gonna get a show

like you have never seen before.

I just love these boys!

I bet you do.

Thank you.

Thank you, Dexter.

Now it's time to meet some of these young men.

He was captain of the Yale hockey team,

now he's captain of the Omaha Ice Breakers

Skipper Tesh!

Skipper.

Skipper? Fuck!

Sounds like some guy's ass I kicked in high school.

Pussy.

Once we work the teams out on the road,

we're coming back here to kick off our official big city tour.

And that's not all.

The Omaha game will be nationally televised.

Of course, the Ice Breakers need someone to play.

So we snagged a doozy of a coach.

Smart, tough and experienced.

From the bloodline of a legendary hockey great, Billy Dage,

his granddaughter, Jessie Dage.

That is a fine ass pair of legs.

I thank you for being... Mr. Claremont.

Huh? You didn't introduce the Chiefs.

Yes, yes, yes.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

put your hands together for the Super Chiefs!

Stand up. Take a bow!

Jesus!

Hey, watch it, hot shot!

I got an infection.

Yeah? Yeah.

You all right? No.

Hurt when you pee? Yeah.

Hey, aren't you the guy that punched out the ref in the National Championships?

Yeah, what about it?

I don't know. It looks like it did wonders for your career.

I don't like these guys.

Miller, exhale.

We don't even know 'em.

Try bonding with them.

Palmberg, watch this.

So, where did you guys come out of, the NSync League?

It's better than the beer league.

Oh, quick and pretty.

We played Ivy League. It was a prerequisite.

Ah, that explains it then.

All the teeth, no scars, nice nose.

It was a no

Eh

What's the matter, you can't speak English there,

you dumb fuckin' Canuck

You guys, all of you, you're fuckin' losers!

That's why they hired you to play us, okay.

So blow me.

Hey, Linden.

Screw you.

Fuckin' Miller!

Miller, knock it off!

MILLER: What? We're bonding!

Well, now that we've all met each other,

the next person who steps out of line will be finished.

Is that clear?

This is a family show.

Fighting will not be tolerated.

Now, we're going to be developing a completely different style of hockey,

that none of you will have played before.

And if anybody wants to have attitude about that, just bench it.

First, we will now play two 20 minute periods instead of three...

Hey, you're fucking with the rules, man!

Mr. Palmberg, Mr. Claremont makes your rules.

And both he and I feel that this format will be more television friendly.

Is that clear?

Two...

Let us never forget that it is the Ice Breakers

that are the stars of this show.

And like the stars of a Broadway show,

they must remain fresh, healthy and unmarked.

So there will be none of that stuff

that some of your people like to do. Like, um...

Hip-checking, high-sticking, tripping...butt-ending.

These are your scripts.

Your scripts are your bibles.

Let us imagine that our script is called

"The Ice Breakers beat the Super Chiefs again."

It's a comedy, and every one of you has a part to play in it.

So, unlike a Hollywood script,

every one of these words is to be respected as written, is that clear?

There will be no rewrites.

Okay, good.

So, from now on we are not going to practice,

we're going to rehearse.

We are not going to play,

we're going to perform.

Oh, um, Mr. Linden,

head office will no longer tolerate

any lewd or lascivious behavior out of you.

What're you talking about?

Don't play coy with me, sister.

That little girl was going to be a very big star,

before your liaison got splashed

all over every tabloid in town.

Are we clear?

Yes, ma'am.

So, this is it, people.

Places, please.

Five, six, seven, eight!

Don't touch that puck! Come back here!

This is not your scene we're rehearsing! Leave it alone!

Yeah! All right! Mr. Linden.

Now, you just step back.

Come on, boys. Let's move, boys.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait a second!

What is going on here? Mr. Miller, please.

Jesus! Stop that!

Jesus Christ!

What kind of fucking bullshit is this?

Mr. Miller, you wouldn't have lasted

five minutes in Paradise On Ice.

Get out of here.

You just take your little act and you just get it right down the ice.

Go on. Hurry up.

You'll be fine, Mr. Gasmer, I promise.

Really. It's a sure crowd pleaser.

Just, um, assume the position.

That's it.

Five, six, seven, eight. Now!

ALL: Whoa!

Holy shit!

This was supposed to be a family show.

What the hell were you thinking?

Mr. Gasmer, are you all right?

Howell, when do we start practicing real hockey?

Real hockey? Yes.

This is real hockey.

No, this is you rehearsing your show.

We're supposed to play half exhibition games and half real games.

When do I work with my guys?

Soon. Soon.

Pull my finger, Jeff.

Whoa! That was a good one!

Um, gentlemen. Excuse me.

May I talk to you for a second?

Sure.

JEFF: Smells like beef jerky.

All right, all right, already.

I heard you. God!

What can I get you?

I'd love some coffee and the roast beef.

And my friend, Eminem, here,

will have the tofu with some heroin sauce.

I'll have the chicken.

See how bad we pounded those pricks today?

Yeah, well, it almost cost us our jobs.

Whatever. Hey, Palm.

Look, all I'm saying is, play it cool.

That's easy for you to say.

This is probably it for you.

I still got a shot at the NHL.

Not with that attitude.

That stunt you pulled today,

it's because of that attitude

that you probably didn't make the draft, ever think of that?

Yeah, you know, don't... Okay, come on, don't.

You always play that joke on me. It's not too fun, okay?

So, I'll just get a beer, eh? Okay.

That uniform is kind of sexy.

But you should undo a button or two,

put on a little show,

'cause nothing gets guys in the tipping mood like a little...tit action.

I'll keep that in mind.

And for you?

For me...

Chicken, no skin. Salad, fruit.

On the plate, all together.

Nothing is to touch, or else you take it back.

Thank you, fuck you.

Okay.

SCHENKMAN: Yeah.

I've got some coupons here.

How's the... "Snatch of the day"?

GASMER: Don't listen to them.

HANSONS: Hey, guys. ALL: Hey!

Whoa. Where you going?

HANSONS: We're going home.

We're the wrong asthmatics.

No, you cement-head.

Howell said we're the wrong aesthetics. But we're athletic.

Guys, guys, guys! Hold on! Hold on!

What are you saying?

Howell fired you guys?

No. He said we could go home.

JEFF: Yeah, we're the wrong asthmatics.

No, it's aesthetics!

Time-out, you guys.

You were fired, you morons.

This is bullshit.

No, Coach, it's okay,

because we like to play old-time hockey,

you know, like Eddie Shore.

Dit Clapper. And Toe Blake.

And Gordie Howe. HANSONS: Gordie!

Coach, this ain't hockey.

Listen to me, boys.

This ain't over.

I'll be in touch, all right?

Okay. All right, Coach. Thanks, Coach.

See you later.

Did he say anything about me?

No. Sorry, Miller. Shit.

That's okay. See you, guys.

Ah! Never mind the kids.

Never mind the zoning laws.

I want that land.

Listen, John, for me to donate $500,000 to your party,

I don't need phone calls like this.

I'm sorry, can I help you?

Yeah. I'd like to see Richmond Claremont.

Do you have an appointment?

No. But, uh...

Why, that's impossible.

Right. Hey, wait.

Get me Mr. Cooper.

If you wanna stay a congressman and retain your tenure,

then I suggest you do something about this.

Excuse me.

Who are you?

Don't say a thing. Do not say another word. As your lawyer...

Linden, what are you doing here?

I didn't know what to do.

He said you were going to be arrested on cocaine possession.

Cooper, what's going on? Who is this man and how did he get in here?

You're an FBI agent? No. I'm Sean Linden.

I'm the captain of your new hockey team, the Super Chiefs.

This is a real badge.

Yeah.

I won it in a card game.

Movie stars, heads of state, senators

do not get in this room without clearance.

Yet a hockey lug strolls in.

Olive, go back to your desk. You stay here.

Oh...

Sean Linden.

You got a lot of juice.

I'm impressed by that.

I'm very busy but I'll give you five minutes, starting right now.

I'm here 'cause I'm pissed off about this whole Hanson thing.

The Hanson thing? What are you referring to?

The three brothers that are on the team.

They're the heart and soul of everything.

The mutant robots with thick glasses.

Howell told me they were wrong.

Why? Because they love hockey?

There's more where they came from.

You're not threatening me, are you? LINDEN: Warning you.

Oh.

Me and the guys are getting sick and tired of your off-Broadway revue.

We starting to feel like you got no respect the game. I don't.

What do you mean? I don't respect your little game, Mr. Linden.

I respect money and television ratings,

and this league brings a lot more of both.

Right.

So then it's all about cleaning up at the bank.

What's wrong with that?

We both get more of what we want.

Better America gets a vehicle to promote their wholesome agenda.

You and the Ice Breakers make some more money. I get a hit show.

What's your problem?

The problem is, you got me and the new coach

and the whole damn team down here

thinking that eventually we're gonna play in some real games.

Well, you are.

Don't bullshit a bullshitter, Mr. Claremont.

I know what it sounds like.

I respect that.

I tell you what you do.

You go tell your teammates who are losing heart

that I will double their salaries.

You're gonna double our salaries?

That depends on you.

You mean if I forget some of this conversation.

I'm forgetting this conversation right now.

Right.

Mr. Linden?

I trust we understand each other.

I'll see you around, Claremont.

He's going to double our salaries?

LINDEN: Well, that's what the man said.

So...

What do you wanna do, boys?

Do we agree?

I'm in. ALL: Yeah.

I'm ready.

CARIBOO: Yo, man, you sure you're ready?

Yeah, I'm ready. Come on.

Okay.

Thanks, Cariboo.

What the hell is going on in here?

It's okay, Coach.

The day of his high school championship,

Gasmer's girlfriend broke up with him and kneed him in the nuts.

He had a shutout that night.

It's just part of his ritual.

You crazy bastard.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen.

Better America and Claremont Family Media

take great pleasure in presenting to you the Omaha Ice Breakers,

led by their captain, Skipper Tesh.

Give a big warm welcome to Trent, Ash, Rob,

Will, Blaine, Ethan,

Jordan, Leo, Flynn and Justin!

And challenging our Omaha boys...

The Super Chiefs, from Charlestown.

Better America is a company dedicated to fine entertainment.

Better America, the name you can trust

for family values and wholesome recreation.

Better America, finding new ways

to make our country a better America.

Feel like I'm in the fuckin' Ice Capades.

That was just so rude.

Sweet.

Fuck this shit.

Let's remind these assholes who the real stars are.

Dish out some fuckin' hurt.

No problem.

You bush-league asshole. Thanks, princess.

ANNOUNCER: Puck is dropped.

Miller wins the draw. Pushes it back to Linden.

Linden, who sets out bringing it down the ice.

But don't worry, folks, this isn't going to last long.

Ice Breakers all over 'em now.

Skipper Tesh has his eye on him.

There's a pass across ice...

But Trent intercepts, flies down.

Skipper Tesh going into position now.

Fakes a shot.

Tesh picks it up and right through Gasmer's legs!

Boy, he's not going to like that.

None of them are. Miller embarrassed,

Gasmer's protesting. It's not gonna do any good.

It's still Ice Breakers one, Super Chiefs zero.

You liked that one, huh, princess?

LINDEN: You all right?

Bastard gutted me like a fish. Let it go.

ANNOUNCER: And here come the Ice Breakers again!

It's a three on two rush,

they're coming down the ice and now watch...

Ooh, the old belly slide trick!

Ooh!

That's what I call ringin' the old chapel bells.

Come on! Hey!

This is crap. I don't remember us rehearsing cheap shots.

This is fucked. Are we supposed to take this shit?

What can I tell you? We can't touch 'em. Those are the rules.

This deal keeps gettin' better and better.

Fucking bullshit.

ANNOUNCER: Now Leo spins backward, looking to pass.

But not to Skipper. He's busy checking Miller.

Shit.

Fucker.

Miller, don't!

ANNOUNCER: Look out, Skipper. Watch out behind you.

Skipper is attacked in the mid-ice, first in 10!

The crowd going crazy now.

Son of a bitch!

Boys, stay calm. Don't get angry.

What the hell... Where does it say they fight?

It doesn't say they fight on mine. Give me your page six quick!

You are hockey artists, not wrestlers!

Hockey artists!

Hey, guys!

Here we go again.

Linden! Linden!

What the hell are you doing?

If Mr. Claremont was here, he would go through the roof.

You are not supposed to touch those guys.

Tell them to lay off the cheap shots.

My guys are just defending themselves.

Defending themselves? Lady, it's like fuckin' Gladiator out there.

Skipper's ribs are bruised. And Trent's nose... Shattered.

Boo fucking hoo!

What do you expect, you pansy? This is hockey!

No, this is not hockey.

It's a goddamn circus.

That's right, a circus. And you're the clowns, so play your parts!

The next person that touches one of them

will be sued for breach of contract.

Think I'm not serious? Then try me.

COOPER: So this week is ''meet the media''.

Tomorrow, we have a photo session with the Seattle Post.

Skipper, you have an interview at 11:13 with Hockey Weekly.

Now, gentlemen, you are representing the Claremont family,

so I trust you will be on your best behavior.

No.

You sure about this?

Hey, Cooper said he wanted a circus.

I'm just giving him what he wants.

Excuse me, could you direct me to your nearest washroom?

I just had your continental breakfast and I gotta take a wicked shit.

I don't think you're supposed to be back here.

All right. Okay, I'm just gonna take a fuckin' shit

right here on that tray of muffins, okay?

All right. Relax.

I'll show you. Thank you.

I had the continental breakfast yesterday,

but it didn't affect my bowels this way.

MILLER: This should put some lead in your pencils.

COOPER: And the last thing on the agenda is this morning.

We will be visiting with the Women of Spokane Charity League luncheon,

and you boys will participate in a bachelor auction for charity.

It's great PR and a fantastic photo op, so...

Finish your breakfast, we leave in 15 minutes.

WOMAN: What an absolutely lovely day.

COOPER: Ladies, ladies, can I get your attention, please?

On behalf of Mr. Claremont and the Ice Breakers,

I'd like to thank you all for your hospitality.

Now on to the fun part, our bachelor auction.

Each lucky winner will spend the entire day with the bachelor of their choice.

First up, Mr. Skipper Tesh.

He was captain of the Yale hockey team,

now captain of the Ice Breakers.

Bids start at $50. $50.

Very good. Do I hear 60? BOTH: $60.

COOPER: Fantastic. Do I hear...

Is it getting hot out here?

I don't know what it is, but my heart is beating like a rabbit.

Oh!

Oh, dear God!

$100!

Oh, my. 150.

COOPER: 150!

Get it together. I can't control it!

BOTH: 200.

$250.

300.

FEMALE REPORTER: Something tragic happened today

at the celebrity auction in Spokane, Washington,

where the Ice Breakers of Omaha, Nebraska found themselves...

...in somewhat of an embarrassing predicament.

Following a breakfast reception

at the local conference center...

Shit, it's Coach!

Act natural.

MILLER: What's going on, Coach?

How you doin'?

Hey, boys.

ALL: Hello, Coach.

So, guys, I just got a call from Cooper.

Evidently someone drugged the Ice Breakers.

They all got wood at a senior citizens' luncheon today.

You know anything about that, do you? No, ma'am.

JESSIE: No?

I didn't think so.

Okay. Well, as you were.

GASMER: Good night, Coach. JESSIE: Good night.

GASMER: See you tomorrow.

Yeah?

This is Martin Matthews of the American Express collections.

I've been trying...

Christ! How do these guys find me?

Couldn't be.

Yeah?

Hey, Coop. Come on in. No.

I imagine you heard about the incident.

It's all over SportsCenter.

Yes.

Well, although there's no proof,

I think we both know who was behind this.

I'll talk to the guys.

I need a little more from you, Sean.

I need you to lead these men, show 'em the way.

I know you need the money.

Don't let them screw this up for you.

You know, my grandmother's single, if you're interested.

What the fuck did you just say,

you white trash sack of shit?

Faggot. SKIPPER: Huh?

Knock it off, guys.

We got a show to do. Miller, let's go.

Yeah, she does yoga. SKIPPER: Better watch your fuckin' back.

All right, pal.

ANNOUNCER: Skipper wins the opening faceoff,

flips to Ash, who passes to Flynn,

who takes the puck, drops back,

and throws long to Trent.

He's got it. He drops it for Skipper Tesh, who shoots and scores!

Six points for that one.

Man, have you ever seen anything like that?

What precision passing!

The Ice Breakers are still in possession...

You all right?

I'm gonna fucking kill that guy.

ANNOUNCER: ...I'll tell you the families here

and the kids seem to love that clown, Palmberg.

What a pratfall he took. They love to see...

50 bucks if you do it again.

60.

You're on. Okay.

ANNOUNCER: Play coming back now.

The Ice Breakers bring the puck up ice.

Palmberg back on his feet,

the play going by him and whoa, down he goes again!

All that's missing from the Super Chiefs tonight, folks,

are the clown shoes and funny noses.

See? They love you.

Yeah!

Whoo-hoo!

LINDEN: Way to go, boys!

Now that's what I call a show, huh?

Sounded like we were scoring goals out there.

You were scoring with the fans!

Let me get a beer.

Hello. Hi.

What are you doing at the enemy's hotel?

I splurged. It's my dime.

I couldn't take one more night in a hotel that rents by the hour.

What are you doing here?

When I played in the Pacific League,

this used to be our favorite bar.

JESSIE: When you went trolling for waitresses?

No. Stewardesses.

Stewardesses, of course.

You know something?

I always thought your grandfather was awesome.

Yeah, I'm sure he's especially proud

how I'm making a mockery of his game.

What do you mean? You're not making a mockery, it's just a show.

That happened fast, didn't it? What?

You loved this game.

You've given up on it.

No, I haven't. What would you call it?

An opportunity.

I'm accepting my position in life.

Well, congratulations.

You've got all the guys giving up and accepting their position in life.

They're playing like complete bozos out there.

What about you?

You knew the deal coming in.

Why aren't you off somewhere coaching some college?

Like the women's team at Wellesley, something like that?

Yeah.

My girls won four titles in five years.

Why aren't you still there?

Because there's nothing left to prove.

You know what I really want to do?

Coach the Ice Breakers?

Yeah.

I'd rather pour pitchers at Hooters.

I wanna coach in the NHL.

And when we start playing these real games

and I get you guys playing the way I know you can play,

then I'm gonna get some attention.

Jessie...

You don't really believe Claremont and his promise of real games, do you?

It's in my contract.

I wouldn't have signed it otherwise.

Do you know something I don't know?

To real games.

To real games.

I can't believe you just used the word ''dickweed''.

What? I saw you when you played for Boston.

I thought you were cute.

Really? This is me.

Your room must have a nice view.

It's excellent.

A lot of those little soaps?

Lots of little soaps. Yeah.

Get some rest, Sean.

You thought I was cute. You're cute.

So if I try to kiss you right now

you're not gonna hit me, are you?

Go to sleep.

Getting a little slow in your old age, huh?

I'm workin' on it.

You know, it's funny.

You used to be my idol when I was growin' up.

Remember the seventh game of the playoffs?

Kinda hard to forget.

Yes, it is.

Always wanted to ask you, did you miss that goal on purpose?

My usual response to that question, what do you think?

I don't know. That's what everybody says.

The answer's "no."

Yeah, I used to gamble.

Never on hockey.

But you had the whole net.

Never missed an easy shot, huh, Skipper?

Let a puck get by you?

Trip over your own skate?

Shit happens.

Yeah, no kiddin'.

It's too bad, though, you know?

You could have been one of the greats.

Here.

Your rookie card.

Doesn't hold the same value for me anymore, you know what I mean?

I'll see you, Linden.

Weaver!

All right, let's shake it, boys. We got a game to play.

Listen, about last night. I hope I didn't, you know...

Forget about it.

I'm workin' on it.

Oh, Palmberg!

Just five more minutes.

Coach, I only washed my hair one time. I have to go.

Be my guest. Thank you.

GASMER: Yeah, Palmberg!

What's up, kid?

Fuck off, Linden!

What's your problem? Gee, I don't know.

Maybe the fact my career's been sold down the river

to this fuckin' sideshow.

What are you talkin' about?

The other guys seem happy.

Whatever helps you sleep better.

Great news, everyone. Mr. Claremont is here tonight.

Keep your fuckin' money.

He couldn't be more pleased.

In fact, he wanted me to tell you

just how proud he is of each and every one of you.

COOPER: Great work. Great, great work!

He wants to tell you exactly how proud he is of all of you.

Damn! I love per diem!

Can you believe we almost walked away from all this?

Seanie, you're the best.

Huh

You make it very good, Sean. Very good.

Very good money. Very good, Sean.

Dage, great work. Thank you.

Welcome back, old man.

You know, Mr. Claremont, um...

When I agreed to take care of the Chiefs,

you said I'd get that promotion to vice president.

I'm watching the game right now.

Talk about it later.

ANNOUNCER: And here comes Flynn to center ice.

He's calling them all together.

He's giving them the signal.

Ash, Leo, Blaine responding. Tesh getting in here.

You know what this is, ladies and gentleman.

Look. That's her.

ANNOUNCER: It's time for the Ice Breaker pinwheel.

I blew the last guy on the pinwheel.

ANNOUNCER: Where they will stop, nobody knows!

As they spin around picking up speed and okay, there goes Trent...

Oh! He slams right into Janacek! Jesus Christ!

Ladies and Gentlemen, we have another derailed Super Chief.

Boy, the kids are eating up this excellent stunt work, ladies and gentlemen.

Yanny! Yanny, you all right?

Yanny, you all right?

Son of a bitch.

All right, come on. You'll be all right. Come on, let's go.

Get up. Let me see.

Jesus Christ!

Don't worry, Coach. That's show business.

Show business.

ANNOUNCER: You know these Eastern European performers

have that strong circus background.

They love the roar of the crowd, the smell of the greasepaint.

He's eating it up, this guy.

He's taking a few minutes off now, folks.

Congratulations.

Your brainwash is complete.

ANNOUNCER: There's a baleful glance

between two ice warriors, Trent and Linden.

Now Linden skating... Oh, look out, Trent, behind ya!

He's just clocked by Linden.

They both go down and now...

Here we go again, ladies and gentleman.

You know, as I said, these stunts are carefully rehearsed,

so they look as realistic as possible.

By God, that's looking realistic.

But believe me. It's all part of the act.

I don't know where the hell we are.

Will somebody stay on the fucking script so I can tell... What?

Oh, sorry, ladies and gentlemen,

I meant to say ''frigging''. Uh, ''freaking''.

Uh, we'll be right back after this.

Would you please bring me Mr. Linden?

How about that shit, boys? Did we show 'em, huh?

That prick Trent curled up on the ice like a pussy!

Hell, yeah! Kicked their fuckin' asses.

Where the fuck were you guys?

Trying to save our jobs there, tough guy.

Oh, is that what we're calling it now, a job?

Well, that was some pretty stupid shit out there.

You guys made the rest of us look like fucking assholes.

Hey, come on, guys!

Did you forget what we are?

We're hockey players! They hit us with a cheap shot!

Look at Yanny's face!

What the hell is wrong with you, guys?

Two weeks ago you couldn't stand this bullshit!

We like the money. Fuck the money!

It's okay, Coach.

Show must go on, you know

You gotta be shittin' me.

No more beef jerky for you boys, eh?

After the big TV game,

I need to renegotiate all the Super Chief contracts.

I want more control over them.

Well, actually, sir, those contracts are long term.

We try to renegotiate them, they'll hand us our heads in court.

That's why I gave you power of attorney,

so you can figure these things out.

No matter what it takes.

No matter how far you have to go.

Yes, sir.

Stop standing there like a frozen eunuch and send Linden in.

Yes, sir.

Mr. Claremont will see you now.

Right.

You wanted to see me?

I witnessed a monster on the ice tonight.

Greek mythology teaches us the only way you can kill a monster is cut off his head.

You firing me?

Here's the deal.

I have a lot of serious money and interest

tied up in the Ice Breakers show.

If the people of Better America saw this brouhaha tonight,

they would pull the ice right out from under this whole thing.

Why don't you finance the whole thing yourself? You've got the money.

It's not about the money.

It's about their endorsement.

Better America is the country's most respected arbiter of family values.

Their approval is worth hundreds of millions of dollars.

And I'll tell you right now who is not worth hundreds of millions of dollars.

You.

Sooner or later you're gonna have to rob a bank and leave the country.

Or...

You could be a half a million dollars richer.

What are you talkin' about?

Think about it.

All your debts are paid off,

and you have a whole lot more left over.

You serious?

Damn right I'm serious.

All you have to do is convince young Mr. Miller

and the rest of your hard heads

to get back on this boat in the right direction.

How do you suppose I do that?

Turn your energy into electricity.

Motivate 'em.

Be their captain.

How's that shoulder, son?

What's up, kid?

That felt great, kicking the shit out of those guys tonight.

What's with the sling? Let me get a Molson.

I had an MRI done after the game.

Doc says if I don't get the shoulder scoped right away, I'm screwed.

That sucks.

Tell me about it.

Wanna know what the weird part is? I called Cooper to tell him.

10 minutes later, Claremont calls me himself,

says he called some big-time sports medicine clinic in Minnesota.

They'll take me right away.

You're shitting me. No shit.

Then he starts telling me about how he's making up the schedule for the season.

Says by next month we should play the Ice Breakers in some real games.

Real games, my ass!

Fuck Claremont. And fuck this whole deal.

What the hell's wrong with you, Miller?

You were a top prospect.

You should have gone to the pros but you got passed over. Know why?

You got a bad attitude.

Let me tell you, the scouts look for that stuff.

My attitude? Yeah.

We talked about that, remember?

You started turning things around back in Charlestown.

Lately, you've gone to shit.

"Gone to shit"?

What scout is gonna notice me here? This whole thing is a joke.

Here's to my attitude. No. This ''joke''

may get you some TV exposure,

give you a chance to turn things around.

You ever think of that?

Claremont is a media mogul.

We live in a media age now.

It's all about hype and publicity and advertising

and big-time endorsements.

Owners look for the guys that can do that stuff.

I'm serious.

Look... All I'm sayin' is,

don't be the guy that could have had the world

by the balls and let it all slip away.

Trust me, that's tough to live with.

PALMBERG: Real games. Nice.

Claremont called you himself? LINDEN: Absolutely.

All you gotta do is keep it clean, we'll all be on Easy Street.

See you in two weeks.

All right? See you, guys.

JANACEK: Okay. We be seeing you, Coach.

So real games, huh?

Yeah.

What did you and Claremont talk about?

Real games. Bullshit.

I've seen you play a regular season game with a broken wrist.

There's nothing wrong with your shoulder.

Guess I'm not as good as I used to be.

I'll see you around.

You suck.

Here's your ticket, Sean.

The sling was a convincing touch.

So that's it? COOPER: That was the deal.

Convince them how good they had it, then split.

Here's my card if you ever... Need anything or...

So I guess this is where I say thanks.

What he's doing to you guys isn't right.

But at least you're gettin' out.

What's stopping you?

Courage.

Naturally.

MAN ON PA: American Airlines plane...

BARTENDER: You want another one, pal?

What? Do you want another?

Yeah, sure.

MAN ON TV: Good evening. Welcome to the show.

I'm Barry McDonald, with Barry Melrose and Chris Chelios.

Let's get right to it.

This Ice Breakers show, is it legitimate entertainment or a black eye for hockey?

It's a bunch of crap.

Hockey's worked too damn hard

over the last 20 years to become legitimate.

Now this billionaire jackass has his Ice Capades show?

This league, if we call it that,

does nothing but amplify the stereotype

that hockey players are clowns and buffoons.

It's no surprise that Sean Linden is the captain of this team.

The Super Chiefs?

The guy's been thrown out for gambling on the sport. He's a cancer to the sport.

He was never found guilty of those gambling charges.

I never bought those charges.

Whatever this guy is, he is a man of integrity.

McDONALD: We can all agree that he was on his way to the Hall of Fame

without that one shot.

Hey, isn't that you?

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,

Better America and Claremont Media

take great pleasure in presenting to you the Omaha Ice Breakers!

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING IN BACKGROUND)

CLAREMONT: What do you think?

I haven't seen this many wings

since we sponsored Thanksgiving.

Wait. There's something wrong with the American flag.

What? Look, it doesn't have any wings on it.

What am I gonna do with you?

Here's to the Ice Breakers. BOTH: To the Ice Breakers.

We're in money heaven, gentlemen.

Listen to that crowd.

It's fantastic. They're eatin' it up.

I knew I had a winner when I was puttin' this together.

Those are a good bunch of kids.

Now that's what I call a hell of a period!

I'd say so. Ka-ching. Oh, yeah, baby.

Hey, Palmberg, you check out the blondie and the reds, man?

(CONTINUE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

LINDEN: Hey, guys, it's over this way! Hey, guys, over here!

What the hell, Linden? I thought you were in Minnesota.

Who are those chicks?

Came with the lottery. This is Brandy.

Shut up! Shut up, you losers!

Coach has got something to say.

Go ahead, Coach.

I lied to you guys.

What are you talkin' about?

I bullshitted you.

Big time.

I was never going to get my shoulder looked at.

I was supposed to be on a plane going home.

Claremont paid me off to convince you guys how good you got it.

Wait a second. I'm confused.

Yeah, me too.

Guys,

when I was a kid,

I wanted to be Bobby Orr.

HANSONS: Yeah, Bobby Orr!

So I practiced hard every day.

Yeah. He practiced hard... Guys.

HANSONS: Sorry, Coach.

And then I played even harder,

till I made it... All the way to the pros.

Then one night I got my chance to be like Bobby Orr.

And you know what I found out?

I ain't Bobby Orr.

Claremont has tried to take away from us

who we are.

Hockey players.

You can't put a price on that.

So I came back here to tell you that tonight...

You guys ought to be who you are.

The Chiefs.

But you know something?

You could play some real hockey,

right now,

against these pricks.

It's out there waiting for you.

What do you wanna do, boys?

Real fuckin' hockey.

Old

Yep.

What do you think, Coach? We got a shot to beat these guys?

As my ballet teacher used to say,

"It ain't over till the swan takes it in the ass."

Yeah! Yeah!

ANNOUNCER: We're ready to start the second period.

Welcome back to the Super Chiefs...

No, the... Chiefs.

The Chiefs. There's a surprise here every minute.

Sure would be nice if somebody filled me in.

Whose idea was this?

Those are not the second act costumes, but the old ones.

Blue and yellow? They look like a beer can!

What the hell?

Sean Linden.

Son of a bitch.

Why aren't they wearing our uniforms?

Where are the wings?

Am I witnessing a mutiny?

No idea, Mr. Claremont.

Go and find out, and report back to me immediately.

All right! It's gonna be our size against their speed.

Don't even let them get started.

If this is our last game, make me proud.

Linden?

Call it.

Thanks, Coach.

All right, boys.

You foiled up?

Take us to the Promised Land.

ALL: Yeah!

Do it.

What's this? I thought you'd left.

I'm back, so you might wanna sit this one out.

Fuck off, Linden.

ANNOUNCER: Getting ready for the faceoff.

Skipper Tesh in the circle against, uh, Hanson.

Jesus!

No, no, no, no.

My God, they're hitting each other. This is disgusting!

Is this some kind of joke? Our name is all over this ugly show.

So is mine.

This is not what we rehearsed!

We're talking hammered.

They're playing it for real, boys.

They want a real game, we're gonna give 'em a real game! Right?

Right! Bring it on, boys! Bring it on!

No, you pansy!

ANNOUNCER: Ethan tries to pass the puck to Jordan.

Shoots! Good save.

Coming around the net, Palmberg. Passes up to Wolfhard.

Fires to Linden on the right. Linden spins.

Miller!

ANNOUNCER: Miller lines up. He shoots. He scores!

It's Ice Breakers 11, Super Chiefs Chiefs, whatever, three.

Excuse me.

It's a new game. The score's 1-0, Chiefs.

I'm sorry. Mr. Claremont won't allow it.

1-0.

Change the fuckin' score!

All right.

Chiefs one, Ice Breakers nothing.

Looks like we got ourselves a whole new game, folks.

Get ready to be fucked, old man.

First you gotta get the puck, Skippy.

Skipper, get up!

Jesus Christ, Claremont!

You promised us a fucking family show.

This is Apocalypse Now on ice.

ANNOUNCER: Blaine brings it up the ice.

He leaves a path for Skipper, who picks it up.

Gasmer's square. He falls.

Oh! Skipper scores!

You guys are bums. You can't skate with us.

Still a whole lot of hockey to be played, son.

ANNOUNCER: Palmberg ridin' high.

He's just scored. He's lovin' it.

Looks like Palmberg just scored again in the corner.

Those girls gave Palmberg a high stick. They gave me one.

You'll be hearing from our lawyers tomorrow. We're out.

Change!

Come on, move it!

Get him!

Go! Go!

Gasmer

The score's two to two. Know what happens if they score again?

What?

Three to two.

Don't let them score.

Je comprends. Two to two. Two to two.

Timeout! Timeout!

Bring it in!

You all right? Blew the shoulder out.

Can you skate? Yeah, I can skate.

Guys, 29 seconds left.

Win the draw, crash the net, score a fuckin' goal. I wanna beat these guys.

Linden, your line's up. Wolfhard, Cariboo, on D.

Let's get out there. Come on!

Let's go!

How's your shoulder, loser?

ANNOUNCER: Puck is out. Linden loses the draw. It goes to Ash.

Passes to Rob, who passes to Trent along the left wing.

Into the Chiefs' zone. It's a race to the net.

15 seconds to go. 14.

Cariboo and Wolfhard squeeze him into slot.

Saved by Gasmer!

Son of a bitch!

ANNOUNCER: Gasmer drops the puck to Cariboo, who clears to the left.

Miller picks it up.

Oh, nice move by Cariboo. He just won a play. Great team play.

Miller still has possession.

Only seconds to go in this game. He's hanging on...

Miller! Linden is clear on the left.

Miller hanging on to the puck.

Pass the puck!

Pass the fuckin' puck! He's open!

Pass the puck, Miller, you selfish son of a bitch!

ANNOUNCER: And Linden scores just as the clock runs out!

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a brand new ending.

The Chiefs win!

Think you could have waited longer?

I had to make it look pretty.

How's that shoulder?

I think it'll be okay.

It'll be okay? Ahhh! Are you crazy?

Yeah. For you.

Linden, I'm gonna sue you for everything you have.

How does it feel to be a genius?

Brilliant move, a secondhalf thriller.

The fans say it's one of the greatest hockey games they've ever seen.

I don't know if I'd call it genius.

Actually, he's not.

You gave me power of attorney to figure these things out, to do whatever it takes.

So I took your advice. I sold the Chiefs.

I'll buy 'em back. Who'd you sell 'em to?

Them.

Hey, thanks for the team!

Yeah. Thanks a lot, Dick!

The Hansons? Those morons?

Yeah. They won Lottery America.

Claremont.

Get the fuck outta here.

You stupid son of a bitch.

Doesn't that feel good, Coop?

Not right now.

What are we gonna do now?

I don't know. They're your new owners.

We're gonna play old-time hockey, like Eddie Shore.

Dit Clapper! And Toe Blake!

And Gordie Howe.

ALL: Gordie, Gordie!